Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Cold Farts & Things To Do In The Snow - Spit Hits!
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason (with Mike out sick)
Date: December 18, 2025

Episode Overview

This lively episode features Andy and Jason holding down the fort while Mike is out sick. The duo serve up the signature mix of absurdity, clean comedy, and life commentary that defines the Spitballers. In addition to a round of "Would You Rather," a rapid-fire "Jason Explains," and a special winter-themed spitballers draft ("Best Things to Do in the Snow"), the pair takes on everything from the awkwardness of restaurant birthday songs to the realities of cold plunges and the perplexities of vampire-zombie lore. As always, their unserious life advice is best enjoyed with a hefty grain of salt (and maybe, in this case, a snowball).

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Holiday Eating & Digestive Adventures (01:31–04:51)

• Andy bemoans being low-energy due to digestive discomfort after an indulgent lunch with his dad, including an oversized Mongolian beef and pork pot stickers.
• The hosts riff on post-diet food sensitivity and "the heart wants what the heart wants," with Andy joking, “Never change. I could eat any fast food and nothing wrecks me. But now it wrecks you.” (03:27)

Would You Rather: Holiday & Hygiene Edition (06:01–20:59)

Mistletoe or Lap-Sitting

• Would you rather hold mistletoe above a stranger and wink, or sit on their lap and recite your wish list?
• Jason: “I could probably get away with sitting on a stranger’s lap for a TV prank. Once you make physical contact, it’s a whole nother level." (07:13)
• Andy: “The mistletoe is the answer. Less invasive!” (08:48)

Gift-Giving Consumerism

• The group bemoans the awkward loop of adult gifting: “I gave you $10 so you give him $10 so he gives you $10…” (10:12)
• Best gifts are often small, thoughtful things—Andy: “You want to know what I want? Like a $1,000 chef’s knife. I’m never going to ask you for that!” (09:45)
• Memorable quote:
  Mike: “Nothing has hit me more this year than the oddity of the gift-giving consumerism.” (09:55)

Cleaning Conundrums

• Would you rather bum-shuffle to mop your floors, or use your bare foot and a rag to clean toilets?
• Jason: “I just commit the foot to disaster and clean it after.” (12:42)
• Andy: “I don’t think I could stick my foot in a toilet. Even if it’s brand new. It’s a mental thing.” (14:27)

Aging Dilemmas

• Would you rather age at half-speed and live to 160, or stop aging at 30 but die at your regular lifespan?
• Jason chooses longevity; Andy chooses feeling good for his remaining years: “50 years as a 30 year old is pretty awesome.” (18:12)
• Jason sums up: “It’s all about quality and quantity, right?” (20:24)

Life Support Decisions

• Quick digression into living wills and DNR orders:
• Mike: “Have you made a decision on the machine?” (20:38)
• Andy: “I’m not like, don't you dare put me on. It’s the context of the situation.” (21:17)

Jason Explains: Quantum Computing (22:24–23:55)

• Andy gives an impressively comprehensible—but highly speculative—theory on quantum computing:
  • “Instead of ones and zeros...think of it like a three-dimensional block...now you've got infinite range between on and off!” (22:44)
  • “Google’s saying it’s proven the multiverse exists.” (23:29)
• Mike: “Ant Man is real, that’s what you’re saying?”
• Andy: “I’m not. I made it all up.” (24:04)

That’s a Great Question (26:07–38:28)

Is a Door ‘On’ When Open or Closed?

• Andy: “Do you turn something on to not use it? The default mode is off.” (26:41–27:15)
• Consensus: “On” means open; “Off” is closed.

What Happens if You Fart in a Tub of Oatmeal?

• Andy shares a “cold fart” story from cold plunging:
  “Pro tip: don’t fart underwater in a cold plunge. It's amplified like you wouldn’t believe.” (28:49)
• On oatmeal farts: “You can hide a fart under oatmeal, but not a thousand farts!” (30:46)
• Mike: “That would be a Quaker Oats Dutch oven.” (31:22)

Restaurant Birthday Etiquette

• Should you sing for strangers celebrating birthdays?
  Andy: “If they bring their team of waiters, I’ll clap. If I’m nearby, I get in on that.” (32:15)
• Andy: “Three birthdays in one dinner? I’m in the wrong spot!” (32:31)
• Humorous hypothetical: What if you ran away when the song started? Would the waiters follow? (34:39)

Vampire Bites Zombie: Who Changes?

• Deep dive into undead metaphysics:
  • Josh: “They’re both undead, so they’re not affected by the other’s disease.” (36:34)
  • Mike: “A vampire is much stronger than a zombie. By orders of magnitude.” (37:53)
  • Andy: “I think an undead thing can become a vampire, because it’s still undead.” (38:03)

The Spitballers Draft: Best Things to Do in the Snow (40:31–57:59)

Draft Order Highlights

• Mike’s Picks:

  • 1. Snowball fight (“A snowball fight is my number one pick.” 42:34)
  • 2. Sledding
  • 3. Ice skating
  • 4. Ice fishing (“I love sitting.” 53:10)
  • 5. Build an igloo (“Do you build igloos out of snow or ice? We know nothing about snow.” 54:03)

• Andy’s Picks:

  • 1. Build a snowman (“Building a snowman is kind of the default first thing I do.” 44:18)
  • 2. Pee in the snow (“It’s one of the true privileges I have as a man.” 45:25)
  • 3. Skiing (shares a horror story about tumbling after being clipped by another skier) (50:51)
  • 4. Snowmobiling (“I hope the back of my snowmobile kicks up a bunch of snow.” 52:03)
  • 5. Tubing/dog sledding (“I would rather go tubing than sledding...Wait, dog sledding! That’s what I want!” 57:28)

Draft Banter & Notable Moments

• Andy admits: “I’ve never had a real snowball fight in my life.” (43:06)
• The Pees-perature Challenge: “Do different people have different temperatures, or is all our pee the same temperature?” (46:04)
• Sledding vs Tubing debate (56:01): Al: “On the tube, your bum is exposed to rocks… I’ve taken a rock in the bum on a snow tube.”
• Andy: “Why is laying in the snow fun? Nowhere near as fun as peeing on it.” (56:19)
• Forgotten snow activity: “Snow angels. I forgot about that!” (56:17)

What Did We Learn Today? (58:08–59:33)

• Andy: “I learned what an igloo was! I didn’t know for sure.” (59:33)
• Mike: “I learned what bum-shuffling is for cleaning your house. And I’m not going that direction.” (59:38)
• They reaffirm the importance of snowball fights, and Andy reconfirms his mental block about putting his foot in a toilet.

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Adult Gift Giving (09:55):
  Mike: “Nothing has hit me more this year than the oddity of the gift-giving consumerism.”
• Quantum Computing Pseudoscience (22:44):
  Andy: “Quantum computing is basically instead of ones and zeros...you now have the infinite range between on and off.”
• Cold Plunge Farts (29:34):
  Andy: “Pro tip: do not fart...It is an experience you’re going to have once.”
• Snow Activities (42:34):
  Mike: “A snowball fight is my number one pick.”
• First-Hand Admission (43:06):
  Andy: “I’ve never had a real snowball fight ever in my life.”

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:32] Digestive complaints & holiday eating
• [06:08] Would You Rather: holiday social awkwardness, cleaning challenges, aging
• [22:27] Jason Explains: Quantum Computing
• [26:07] That’s a Great Question (doors, farts, birthday etiquette, zombies)
• [40:31] The Spitballers Draft: Best things to do in snow

Summary: Why Listen?

Perfect for those needing a dose of laughter around the holidays, this episode is a classic showcase of the Spitballers’ wit, tangents, relatable dad logic, and the gentle roasting of their own Arizona-brand inexperience with snow. Whether you’ve never seen a snowflake or can’t survive without weekly snowball fights, there’s something for everyone—provided you don’t mind a debate about the temperature of pee.

For more Spitballers, check out: spitballerspod.com