Copyright Caroling & Things People Pretend to Like - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Episode Overview

Theme/Purpose:
This episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast features Andy, Mike, and Jason diving into two hilarious and relatable topics: "Would You Rather" questions and a spirited draft of "Things People Pretend to Like." The trio, all dads with a knack for comedic banter, explore everyday life’s ridiculousness and social conventions—confessing their real opinions about books, food, art, family, and more—with their trademark mix of playful roasting and earnest admissions.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Chaotic Scat Opening (01:30–02:35)

• Mike fumbles the podcast’s signature scat opening after unplugging his headphones.
  • “The confidence pre-show was like, ‘I got this. No worry.’ …And then you pulled your headphones out.” —Jason (01:58)
• The group riffs on viral challenges (the Whitney Houston Challenge) and sets the tone for a loose, giggly episode.

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2. "Would You Rather?" Segment (04:58–25:00)

Books vs. Restaurant Food Dilemma (05:02–21:12)

• "Would you rather read two books per week (min. 250 pages, no audiobooks) or only eat restaurant food six times per year?"

• Genuine, hilarious struggle as all three confess to rarely reading physical books.

  • “My story is I told my wife… one book per month. I made it to one book.” —Mike (05:52)
  • Andy’s sister read 100 books in 2024, impressing and intimidating the group (06:06).

• They bicker about what counts as “restaurant food” and realize how heavily they rely on takeout.

  • “75% of my meals are from a restaurant!” —Jason (10:16)

• Discuss how technology (ChatGPT) has made traditional book reports and literary discipline almost obsolete.

  • “I chatgpt the monologue and the character… told me every freaking thing I needed to know…without reading the script.” —Jason (20:04)

• Ultimately, none of them willingly give up restaurants; they admit defeat as readers.

Song Placement in Movies: Opening or Closing Scene? (21:31–25:00)

• Would you rather have your song in a blockbuster’s opening or closing scene?
• All three vote for the “opening” as more iconic.
  • “Name one final scene, great music…it was only in the final scene.” —Jason (22:46)
• They debate famous examples and joke about a cappella movie themes.

Sweat Preferences (25:31–29:12)

• Would you rather sweat twice as much, sweat twice as fast, or smell twice as bad?
• The group quickly eliminates “smell.”
  • “Once you cross the threshold from not bad to bad… It’s disgusting." —Jason (28:02)
• Derail into banter about spousal hygiene, culminating in a running joke about “the worst your wife has ever smelled.”

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3. "What's the Difference?" Segment (32:11–44:41)

Squish vs. Smash vs. Crush (32:25–37:45)

• The gang debates the subtle linguistic and tactile differences.
  • “Squish is about the texture… squish could go between fingers, between toes. Squish doesn’t crumble.” —Jason (32:50)
  • Smashing is reserved for “anger,” and crushing is the “heaviest” action.

Concert vs. Performance vs. Recital (37:59–44:41)

• Recital: universally dreaded, lowest form, always amateur.
  • “There’s no professional recital.” —Andy (38:51)
• The group gripes about school events, proposing walk-in/walk-out recitals where you only see your own kid.
  • “If there is a person that says they like their kids’ recital, you’re a liar.” —Andy (38:36)

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4. Spitballers Draft: "Things People Pretend to Like" (47:00–75:18)

The heart of the episode—each host drafts things people fake-enthusiasm for.

Mike’s Picks

1. Other People’s Kids (47:15)
   • “I barely like my own kids. You think I like your kids?” —Mike (47:49)
2. Brunch (61:41)
   • “What is brunch? What are we doing?” —Mike (61:47)
3. Art (63:48)
   • “I’m sorry… I don’t get it, man.” —Mike (63:54)
4. Grind Set Hustle Culture (75:05)
   • “We aren’t supposed to work 18 hours a day… You did it. Your children hate you.” —Mike (77:09)

Jason’s Picks

1. Medium Rare Steaks (50:02)
   • “People pretend to love… medium rare. You have to order medium rare… but it’s not as good as medium.” —Jason (51:08)
2. Oysters (59:37)
   • “You are objectively… slurping snot.” —Jason (60:50)
3. Black Coffee (68:13)
   • “No one likes black coffee.” —Jason (69:04)
4. High Fashion Runway/Art Shows (73:36)
   • “You’re wearing a garbage triangle. What are we doing? It’s not clothes—it’s just nonsense.” —Jason (74:13)

Andy’s Picks

1. In-Laws (54:21)
   • “There’s nothing like the social awkwardness of loving everyone related to your spouse." —Andy (55:36)
2. Dressing Up (56:38)
   • “Dressing up means I spend more to be less comfortable." —Andy (57:03)
3. Cats (69:14)
   • “There’s nothing redeemable about a cat. The cats don’t even like you.” —Andy (69:17)
4. Deep Tissue Massages (70:50)
   • “You walk out and they’re like, ‘How was it?’ And you have to be like, ‘It was great.’” —Andy (73:22)

Honorable Mentions & Memorable Moments

• Wine, Salad, Art House Movies, IPAs, Potlucks, Meditation, Staying Up Too Late
  • “I’m so glad that movie was four hours.” —Andy, roasting art house films (77:54)
  • “Potlucks—hey, bring me the worst thing you could possibly bring me right now.” —Mike (78:15)
  • “90% cacao dark chocolate. That’s so tough to eat. Disgusting.” —Jason (78:02)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Social Pretenses:

  • “When I thumbs up your post about your kids, it means I’m thumbs upping you. I’m like, ‘Dude, you’re alive. You’re doing it man.’” —Mike (48:45)

• On Kids’ Events:

  • “We need to fix this.” —Jason, on choir/band events for parents (44:39)

• On Black Coffee:

  • “I could buy a motorcycle. It’s so bitter.” —Andy (68:50)
  • “No one likes black coffee.” —Jason (69:04)

• On Deep Tissue Massages:

  • “I want to lay on the bed and be like, ‘I’m tough. Don’t make a noise.’” —Jason (71:18)
  • “If you’re getting a massage and you can’t fall asleep…it’s not a massage.” —Mike (72:55)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:30 – Scat Opening Fumble
• 04:58 – Would You Rather
• 05:02–21:12 – Books vs. Restaurant Food
• 21:31 – Song Placement: Movie Openings vs. Closings
• 25:31 – Sweat Question
• 32:11 – What's the Difference?
• 37:59 – Concert vs. Performance vs. Recital
• 44:48 – Pre-Draft Banter
• 47:00 – “Things People Pretend to Like” Draft Begins
• 54:21 – Andy’s “In-Laws” Pick
• 56:38 – Andy’s “Dressing Up” Pick
• 59:37 – Jason’s “Oysters” Pick
• 61:41 – Mike’s “Brunch” Pick
• 63:48 – Mike’s “Art” Pick
• 68:13 – Jason’s “Black Coffee” Pick
• 69:14 – Andy’s “Cats” Pick
• 70:50 – Andy’s “Deep Tissue Massages” Pick
• 73:36 – Jason’s “High Fashion Runway” Pick
• 75:05 – Mike’s “Grind Set” Influencer Pick

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Tone & Takeaways

• Tone: Warm, sardonic, unapologetically honest, with plenty of self-deprecating humor.
• Takeaway: The recurring punchline: we all fake enthusiasm for a lot of things just to fit in—and the Spitballers are more than happy to call themselves (and everyone else) out for it.

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In the words of Mike:
“I barely like my own kids. You think I like your kids?” (47:49)

And as Andy closes the topic:
“Well, we knew that. We didn’t need to be taught.” (79:21)

Transcript

[Jason]

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[Andy]

And just when you think it couldn't.

[Jason]

Get any better, you'll stop at our award winning private island.

[Andy]

Perfect day at Coco Cay.

[Jason]

This is the undisputed champion of vacations. Book [e-mail] Big time, best time, all the time. Come see the Royal Caribbean. This episode of Spitballers comedy podcast is brought to you by Primal Kitchen. Life is full of hard decisions. Choosing a cooking oil doesn't have to be one of them. Primal Kitchen is here with pure avocado oil, a healthier everyday cooking option. It's pure and quality tested, never blended with other oils. With a high smoke point and light neutral flavor. It's great for grilling, baking, air frying and more. Plus, it contains healthy fats from avocados. Find Primal Kitchen pure avocado oil in Walmart stores or online at walmart.com and primalkitchen.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Biggity, biggity, biggity, biggity.

[Mike]

Guys.

[Jason]

I literally unplugged my headphones.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Jason]

Oh, man. You didn't know when it was?

[Mike]

No, I had to guess. Did I get it right?

[Jason]

Nope. You are way late. Way short and terrible.

[Andy]

It was funny.

[Jason]

What's going on?

[Andy]

I mean, you did. You kind of hit it in the window. So you pulled your headphones out.

[Mike]

I did.

[Andy]

You couldn't hear the music at all?

[Mike]

No, I could not.

[Jason]

The confidence pre show was like, I got this. No worry. I'm. You were so ready for this scat. And then you pulled your headphones out.

[Andy]

We have done a lot of laughing in the last hour.

[Mike]

I don't recommend that for musical cues.

[Andy]

No, that was one of your worst.

[Mike]

What in the.

[Andy]

But you did hit the window with.

[Jason]

Your biggity, biggity, biggity. You set me up well for next week where it will be my first time scouting in months.

[Mike]

Are you looking forward to that?

[Jason]

No. But now I know it doesn't matter.

[Andy]

Because that was you pull your headphones out. It could work out better for you.

[Jason]

It would work. Oh, I'll try that next week. I'll just be in the complete wrong spot.

[Andy]

Oh, that's funny.

[Mike]

Have you seen the the Whitney Houston Challenge?

[Jason]

Oh.

[Andy]

Where you have to Hit the. The drum beat, right?

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. You have to hit that. You have to hit the downbeat on the. I will always love you. It's funny and, like. It's a weird. It's like a count of, like, six. It's very weird. It's.

[Andy]

They're funny videos.

[Mike]

Yeah. Check them out, Jason. You should check them out.

[Jason]

We'll look them up.

[Andy]

Spitballers Episode 351 welcome in one and all. Would you rather. What's the difference? And we are drafting a. I think it's a fun one. We're drafting things people pretend to like.

[Jason]

Oh, there's so many things that y' all fart sniffers say you like that you're lying about.

[Mike]

I'm not sure you guys are ready for my list. Oh, man.

[Andy]

No. Not ready. Because you have the number one pick. I am. Is your number one answer.

[Mike]

People sort of.

[Jason]

I will say this sort of. There's one thing on my list that I'm fairly confident I will draft. Like, I know I'll draft it if it's available. If you guys draft it, whatever. That I believe will shock the world and make people so angry. Pissed off and angry at me.

[Mike]

What's funny is I have my one pick that I think I could get at any of the picks, but sometimes just, like, when do you. Is it Al people?

[Jason]

Was it Al people pretend to like him?

[Andy]

Was it Al Borland?

[Mike]

I have to rethink my intention.

[Andy]

Al, take your headphones out.

[Mike]

But seriously, it's like our producer. I have my one pick where I'm like, when does this reset?

[Jason]

You better draft him 101, because I'm not draft. I'm taking Owl with my second pick, so you better pull the trigger.

[Mike]

I promise. You guys don't have my pick because you're. You're. You lie to yourself.

[Jason]

Oh, oh, you think we like it?

[Andy]

You think we really do like it.

[Mike]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Andy]

Pretend.

[Mike]

I think you pretend to like it.

[Andy]

Oh, boy.

[Mike]

And it's so. It's so easy.

[Andy]

All right, we'll see.

[Jason]

I can't wait for this draft.

[Andy]

No, this draft is what I'm looking for, too. Let's kick it off with some. Would you rather I did? Hit it. I see the green.

[Jason]

Would you rather.

[Mike]

Would you rather get a new job.

[Andy]

Adam from the website? Would you rather have to read two books per week, minimum 250 pages, no audiobooks, or only be allowed to eat restaurant food six times per year?

[Mike]

Oh, that's such. Okay.

[Jason]

I thought it was gonna be six times for two Weeks.

[Andy]

Six times.

[Jason]

And then I was like, oh, they'll probably make it harder. Six times per month.

[Mike]

Have you guys.

[Jason]

Six times per year.

[Andy]

All other meals have to come.

[Mike]

Have a grocery store. Have you guys. Look, when New Year's is coming up, have you guys ever. In your New Year's resolution, I'm going to be a better me, blah, blah.

[Andy]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Mike]

Done the. Anything to do with reading?

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

In fact, I have a story about that, but go on.

[Mike]

My story is I told my wife I'm one. This is not a high bar.

[Andy]

No, no, no. How many books?

[Mike]

One book per month.

[Jason]

Okay, that's doable.

[Andy]

So to contrast, my sister Yesterday completed her 100th book.

[Jason]

Of what? Of her life.

[Andy]

Of the year.

[Jason]

Okay. Because that's insane.

[Andy]

100 books. Finished it December 16, 2024.

[Jason]

I want to quiz her on the third from last book.

[Andy]

So anyways, just to make your point, yours is 12 years.

[Mike]

I also have a question.

[Andy]

Yours is 12 a year.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yes, that's my point. Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah. Mine was one book a month. I made it to one book. Okay.

[Jason]

In the first month.

[Andy]

That's one book per month.

[Jason]

Did you complete that in January?

[Mike]

No, it was by end of year. It was by end of year. I went. Okay, hold on, hold on.

[Andy]

It's one chapter a month before you did.

[Mike]

Hold on.

[Andy]

100.

[Mike]

Your sister went 100.

[Andy]

100.

[Mike]

Okay. I was in a. You know how they have reading contests as a kid when you're a kid?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Well, they used to get a pizza. They used to. I don't know if they do that anymore. Have your kids been in a.

[Andy]

No, because mine. Because we're not entertained by the library anymore. But go on.

[Mike]

And there was like a whole hullabaloo about the amount of books I read because mine were one picture.

[Andy]

Coloring books.

[Mike]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. They were real books, but they were like one picture for every two pages. And you counted pages.

[Andy]

You did that on purpose.

[Mike]

Rules are rules, guys. I was given a threshold of rules, and I played within the rules.

[Jason]

Good for you.

[Andy]

And what about this one book for the whole year? Any pictures?

[Mike]

But hold on. Before I go to that. I got the trophy that year.

[Jason]

Congratulations. Any pictures in your one book you finished?

[Mike]

No, there was no pictures in that book. But it was just. I really thought I was going to do it. And it was just one. I made it through one.

[Andy]

She said that the hundred. She'll never do it again. It was a goal she set. And then it got. It became burden it became a burden.

[Mike]

Well, let's just. 100 books.

[Andy]

It's amazing.

[Mike]

There's 52 weeks.

[Jason]

52. Yep. That's two books a week.

[Mike]

You're talking, for the most part, two books a week.

[Jason]

Yeah, but this question is two books. Wait, would you rather read two books per week? Oh, my gosh. That's what this is.

[Andy]

Or only be allowed to eat restaurant food six times a year?

[Jason]

All right. Restaurant food. I don't think you understand how few. Six times a year you get three meals a day. And this isn't. This says eat restaurant food, not go out to a restaurant. So this is ordering or going out six times a year is not like 10% of your meals. It's not like 5% of your meals.

[Andy]

No, it's one every other month.

[Jason]

3% of your meals.

[Andy]

It's one every other month.

[Jason]

It is not 1% of your meals. It is. 0. 0.5% of your meal. Literally no meal.

[Mike]

It's impossible.

[Andy]

What's your current percentage of meals?

[Jason]

Restaurant.

[Andy]

I don't mean ordering from Instacart or.

[Mike]

Does Saturday Live do this?

[Andy]

Yeah, the Uber eats.

[Mike]

Wrapped. They did the wrapped.

[Andy]

Dude, I don't. I'm not even talking about Uber Eats. Just like going to a physical restaurant.

[Mike]

If I got a wrapped for eating out, it would be embarrassing. It would be. It would.

[Andy]

It be 100 books a year. Embarrassing.

[Mike]

It would be devastating. Just a.

[Andy]

More than 100, I'm sure.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Per month.

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jason]

No.

[Mike]

If I got a rapt for how many times I eat out versus eat in. Oh, my God, guys. It would be. It would. I would never.

[Andy]

Would you want to know about.

[Mike]

I would never share that number with you guys.

[Andy]

And I.

[Mike]

And I tell you guys a lot. I tell you guys embarrassing, embarrassing things to my life because you guys are my friends. I would never tell you that.

[Jason]

I just did the math.

[Andy]

Never.

[Jason]

I was very genuine. I did the math of three meals a day. Never shared breakfast, lunch, and dinner. How many meals are you eating? How many meals do we cook? How many meals do we go out? I did the math and I'm going to. I'm going to round here a little bit. Just a very little. It was like, point something, but basically 25% of my meals. 25%. This is 0% of meals. 25% of my meals, which I. I'm proud of, are cooked. Oh, man.

[Mike]

I thought you were going the other direction.

[Jason]

75% of my meals are from a restaurant.

[Andy]

Wonderful. Wonderful.

[Mike]

One out of four meals I order. Get out of here.

[Jason]

No, no, three out of four meals are ordered or gone to my guy.

[Andy]

I don't. Guy, I don't know if you could do my guy. Could you pull off the two books a week at 250 pages each?

[Jason]

I could not. I literally could.

[Mike]

What's the page threshold?

[Andy]

It's minimum 250. No audiobooks. I mean, you're committing at least two hours a day.

[Mike]

More than that.

[Andy]

I mean, that's the commitment.

[Mike]

Can I combo? Can I do a Kindle audio combo?

[Jason]

No, it says no audiobooks.

[Mike]

Crap.

[Jason]

Because the Kindle. Well, here's what I've learned. The book audio.

[Mike]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. We're counting audiobooks against people we're learning.

[Andy]

Let me tell you, for the normal adult reader. The normal adult reader, a 250 page book gets.

[Mike]

Never read, takes six.

[Andy]

Never read, is not read by anybody. Nobody knows what's in it.

[Jason]

Takes what?

[Andy]

Never six to ten hours. So you're committing 12 to 20 hours a week to these books.

[Mike]

Because here's the thing.

[Andy]

You want 12 to 20 hours a week back or a restaurant.

[Mike]

Here's the thing. We're all like. When I say New York Times bestseller for us of our age. Right. That does something to you. Like you. You feel.

[Andy]

Yeah. You think it's worth reading.

[Mike]

Yeah. Do you know how many books that is?

[Andy]

No, I don't.

[Mike]

25.

[Andy]

Wait, what?

[Mike]

25 books.

[Andy]

Wait, what do you mean?

[Mike]

If you're on the New York Times bestseller list in the top 10, that's 25 total. You sold 25 books.

[Andy]

What?

[Jason]

That's not true.

[Mike]

It's not true. Guys, I'm making this up.

[Jason]

Oh, okay.

[Mike]

I'm being hyperbolic. My point is no one reads books. We listen to books.

[Andy]

You might. I mean, people do read books.

[Jason]

No, I'm. I'm with Mike. I don't. No, you don't read. I. So earlier this year.

[Mike]

Go to the doosers. Go to the Doosers. Books read this year.

[Jason]

Read. Read.

[Andy]

Complete books.

[Jason]

Zero.

[Andy]

I was at a half. But if we're only counting complete.

[Mike]

No, you gotta. Here's the thing with the book is you got to round down.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Yeah. Then that's going to be a zero.

[Andy]

So wait, we're at zero. Zero. I think I'm at like a couple. Really? Yeah.

[Jason]

You've read a couple? Page by page.

[Andy]

I've read a couple pages.

[Jason]

Eyeballs.

[Mike]

No, no, no. Hold on, hold on.

[Jason]

Pages.

[Mike]

Every page?

[Andy]

I think so.

[Jason]

Wow.

[Andy]

I think a couple.

[Jason]

You're the smartest man alive. Not audio, though. Because I know you like your audio.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

I've read a lot of audiobooks.

[Mike]

2025.

[Andy]

You've read I don't know about 2025.

[Jason]

Yeah. Okay, 2024.

[Andy]

I remember one. 2025. I remember four audio. Five audio.

[Jason]

I read a lot more than I've ever read this year, genuinely in my life. We're coming to the end of this year. It's December right now. I have read far more than pretty much almost all my years. I'm at zero. This is all audiobooks. Okay, so what about your fantasy books?

[Andy]

Those aren't audio. Those are. I thought you sat in a rocking.

[Jason]

Chair, smoking cigar, reading fantasy. Started with the book. I loved holding it. I loved reading it, reading it out loud. How did you love it?

[Andy]

Did you not finish it?

[Jason]

It's so much easier and better when you listen. Like, they're just better. They know the characters. They know where it's coming from and where it's going.

[Mike]

Like, they.

[Jason]

They do a better job reading it than I do, and it's quicker.

[Andy]

My wife reads from the Kindle a lot. She reads a lot of books. She's probably done at least 25 or 30. Probably more than that.

[Jason]

Nerd.

[Andy]

But she reads every night and she reads on her Kindle. And now she's got this new contraption. It's like a pillow that holds the book out in front of you. And then. Then she has a clicker in her hand for the page turning. What?

[Mike]

Hold on.

[Jason]

Physical page turning. A physical book. She has a.

[Andy]

No, no, no, no. It's a Kindle.

[Mike]

So it hooks up to. Hold on. Hold on.

[Andy]

Hooks up to the Kindle.

[Mike]

It's a Bluetooth page turner.

[Andy]

Yes. For her Kindle. So she snuggles up in bed and she holds it.

[Jason]

She doesn't have to reach.

[Andy]

So she doesn't have to reach for the Kindle.

[Mike]

I made comments about. I don't own a Kindle.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

How does one turn a page?

[Andy]

You touch the right side of the screen.

[Mike]

You just tap it right.

[Andy]

You tap the right side of the screen.

[Jason]

But, Mike, you have to lift your arm to do it.

[Mike]

But the screen, the Kindle, the thing you're holding. Yeah, Bottom right. You just tap it.

[Andy]

No, just the right side. All of the right side.

[Mike]

Oh, the whole entire right side. The whole right side.

[Jason]

How far away is the book? Is it out of arm's reach from her when she thinks this book is. No, no, no. But it's.

[Mike]

Does she read through binoculars?

[Andy]

It's like she. Yes, I hold it across the room. How does this.

[Jason]

How does this product exist? Well, enough people are like, ah. I mean, I love to read, but she gotta touch that, right?

[Mike]

She loves it.

[Andy]

Well, I can't because before she'd lay in bed and she'd be holding the Kindle in front of her. Now this thing holds it up in front of you. Yeah. And she cuddles the pillow and she holds the clicker. Guys. Wally. Well, I mean, people make, for real, you know this. They have rings. No, they have rings for their phone. Yes. Cuz you set accessibility settings on your phone and the ring does the accessibility.

[Jason]

So you're telling me they're watching them do reels and they just. Oh my gosh. This.

[Mike]

We. We watched the movie Wall E and we were like, imagine. Imagine the world where we end up like that.

[Andy]

She. Yeah, that's what it is.

[Mike]

We're like three.

[Andy]

She's so happy.

[Mike]

We're so close to that.

[Andy]

She's so happy. And Jason's ordering one of the reels rings right now.

[Jason]

I win it.

[Mike]

When?

[Jason]

We'll look it up.

[Mike]

When is the blink one where you just look at the page?

[Andy]

Oh, and you.

[Jason]

Honestly, they need to be. The reels should be in the glasses themselves.

[Mike]

This is unbelievable.

[Andy]

I know. And so I need a Bluetooth. None of us are keeping up with two a week. We're without restaurants.

[Jason]

Okay. No, I can't.

[Andy]

That's what happens.

[Jason]

I cannot do 199.5% of my meals cooked at home. I can't do that. I will have to read. I will look up. I will chat. GPT. Tell me every book that is exactly 250 pages.

[Andy]

Oh, you'll try to go bare minimum?

[Jason]

I will have to.

[Andy]

If I'm going size 18 font.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

How. Okay, so we all. We all have children in high school, right?

[Andy]

Yep.

[Mike]

How. How are they doing, like, reading requirements right now? Because it was like, okay, I'm gonna flashback.

[Andy]

I try to get my son to read books of recreational form and he says, I've got too much to read at school.

[Mike]

But I'm saying, like, us 20 years ago, we're in high school because that's our age. We're like, man, how do I get away with this? And you're like, I go get a Cliff Notes, right?

[Andy]

Yep. They do that.

[Mike]

The equivalent.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And now you have ChatGPT.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

How do you make anyone read a book right now?

[Andy]

This is a whole discussion. Because you could actually make a pretty compelling argument as to the needlessness of a lot of the reading that they do look.

[Mike]

And I'm on team reading.

[Andy]

I love reading.

[Jason]

I think it's good for reading.

[Mike]

Just like very pro reading.

[Andy]

We all combined for one book this year.

[Jason]

We're also as a five pack, as a five pac. We got to one bind, read one book.

[Andy]

We each read a chapter, which.

[Mike]

We'Re on team. Like, you eat healthy, you sleep, and we don't do these things.

[Jason]

Right?

[Mike]

But I'm saying, like, because we're on those teams, we don't do those things because we can get away with not doing it.

[Jason]

Can I tell you when a kid.

[Mike]

Is like, hey, read the Great Gatsby. And they're like, sure, Chatgpt. Give me the summary of Great Gatsby where I can fake to a teacher that I've read it. How do we possibly do this?

[Jason]

And why do we. Why. Why do we need to combat it? Here's the thing.

[Mike]

Oh, oh, Big tech. Big tech's in the house.

[Andy]

I think the discipline of reading is valuable.

[Jason]

I agree with that. I don't disagree. I think the act of physical reading, not just listening to audiobooks, physical reading is valuable. It's valuable for your brain, your mind, your everything. But. So like my twins, they're very heavily into theater. That's their life. They're getting ready to apply to college.

[Mike]

Hey, let me ask you this. Are they into theater or are they into theater?

[Jason]

They're into theater. They're very serious. Good lord. This is film. This is cinema. This isn't a movie. This is the equivalent. They are into theater.

[Mike]

Okay? We are in a.

[Jason]

So I was a theater major in college. Like, that was what I went to school for. And there is a universal rule that is ingrained in you, and it is legitimately important. It is very real. When you are doing a monologue which you have to put together for all these auditions and whatnot, you have to read the script and they tell you you've got to read the script twice. You have to know every nuance of the character, why they're here. You can't just read this monologue in a monologue book and then go perform it and try to say the words right. Like, you don't want.

[Andy]

They want you to have context.

[Jason]

They want you to have context.

[Mike]

What kind of. I'm not. I didn't go to school for theater. What are we? Shakespeare?

[Jason]

No, no, no. I mean, whatever. But let's say not Shakespeare, just a modern. Modern could be a monologue from Mamma Mia.

[Andy]

Or something.

[Jason]

Yeah, like whatever. Whatever current modern play production is happening from Mamma Mia.

[Mike]

Yeah, I threw that one in there. That thing's an abomination.

[Jason]

So my kids had an audition last summer for a summer program, and was it Mamma Mia? It was not Mamma Mia. It was a really, like, high level program, and they did a last minute, like, they didn't find out about it until, like, the day before auditions were due. Okay.

[Andy]

And so yada, yada, yada, they killed it without reading the whole script.

[Jason]

I chatgpt the monologue and the character, and I asked chatgpt all the questions like, well, what is. What is the character's backstory? Why would this matter? Tell me every detail of why this scene would matter. And it told me in about three paragraphs every freaking thing I needed to know about the character without reading the script. Did it say, reading is done, it's over?

[Andy]

Did it say, did you just retire reading?

[Jason]

I just retired reading.

[Mike]

What did it say, though? Was it like, stop being a nerd. Just pretend like you're this person, but.

[Jason]

You got to know who that person is.

[Mike]

No, you don't. No, you don't.

[Jason]

How dare you denigrate acting.

[Mike]

I will. I will.

[Jason]

You know what? You've never watched a movie where that actor did not know the character.

[Mike]

I 100% have.

[Jason]

There's a few of them. There's a. There's a few actors out there.

[Andy]

All right, so. So final answer here so we can move on.

[Jason]

I'm reading. I can't.

[Andy]

We gotta. We gotta do the.

[Jason]

I gotta eat at a restaurant.

[Andy]

I'm eating. I'm eating six times a year. It's gonna be special timeout. I can't do two a week. I can't give up 20 hours a week.

[Jason]

That's because your wife.

[Mike]

Yeah, that sounds like a man who doesn't cook.

[Andy]

Ever.

[Mike]

This ever, Ever.

[Jason]

My restaurants at home.

[Andy]

You don't have.

[Jason]

I get home and my restaurants. Done. You can still eat, like, lunchables and stuff like that. You don't have to, like, cook every meal. It's just has to come from a grocery store.

[Andy]

Not ashamed of my wife's cooking.

[Jason]

Yeah, but there's a reason.

[Andy]

Great job. There's a reason why we're wrong with your wife's cooking.

[Jason]

I just love reading.

[Mike]

It doesn't exist.

[Jason]

Reading is valuable.

[Andy]

Owen, from the website, if you are a professional music artist, would you rather have one of your songs be the opening scene of a new blockbuster movie?

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Or in the final scene.

[Jason]

Easy answer.

[Mike]

What? Oh, final scene.

[Jason]

Oh, easy answer.

[Mike]

Okay. No, read it again.

[Andy]

What's more, read it Again, if you're a professional music artist, do you want it in the opening scene of a new blockbuster movie or the final scene of a blockbuster movie?

[Jason]

The big finish or the.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

How the movie begins? And to me, oh, man, I'm gonna say so I'm curious. Mike's music man, I want you to answer last.

[Mike]

Oh, my goodness.

[Andy]

I'm opening scene.

[Jason]

I'm 100% opening.

[Andy]

Yeah. I feel like that's the iconic. That's what comes to my mind right now with songs.

[Jason]

When you. Yeah, Forrest Gump.

[Andy]

That's it.

[Jason]

That's what's in my head. Because once the movie has become a blockbuster, it's like, this movie is awesome.

[Andy]

That's normally when you're falling asleep in the theater.

[Jason]

That's the. That's the final scene.

[Andy]

Oh, sorry, sorry. Yeah.

[Jason]

No, the opening scene sets the stage. The music is what you. Because you don't know the characters.

[Andy]

Figuring it out right now.

[Jason]

You don't know anything. What sets the stage is the music. So to me, it's definitely. I would rather have the opening. But, Mike, you're.

[Mike]

I think it's the opening.

[Jason]

Okay, we solved it then.

[Mike]

But I. Oh, man.

[Jason]

Name a name.

[Mike]

Here.

[Jason]

Here's the thing. We just instantly named the beginning opening music of an iconic movie that stuck with us for decades. Name one final scene. Great music. It was only in the final scene.

[Mike]

Final scene.

[Jason]

The biggest.

[Mike]

That's impossible.

[Jason]

Exactly.

[Mike]

Top of my head.

[Jason]

So we just answered.

[Mike]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Andy]

Feel like Braveheart.

[Mike]

Final. Final scene off the top of my head is impossible. But it's like, I can get you songs that are not the opener.

[Andy]

What about the fight scene in Star Wars, Phantom Menace? Isn't that kind of a. Isn't that a final scene? Basically? Yeah, that's a good final scene.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's good.

[Mike]

But I mean, it's like I was.

[Jason]

Just showing my youngest son, John.

[Mike]

Hold on, hold on. Wait. You were showing him what the.

[Jason]

The component was for Star Wars. Oh, yeah. We were listening to Home.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

But here's the thing. Like the movie Frozen. What's the song from Frozen?

[Jason]

Guys, the song from Frozen.

[Andy]

It's the big.

[Mike]

It's not the opening song.

[Andy]

No, no, it's the. It's.

[Mike]

Let it go.

[Andy]

Let it go. Which is. Let it go towards the end.

[Mike]

Yeah, but. But that's what I mean of, like, the middle. But. So that's what I mean of, like, the closing scene. Yeah.

[Andy]

Is final answer.

[Mike]

That's tough. But if your. If your options are the opening scene. Or like something from later in the movie. That's very difficult. That's very, very difficult.

[Andy]

Final answer. I'm going opening.

[Jason]

Yeah. Be the.

[Mike]

I mean, if I have to go between those two, because I don't have time to research, I guess I'm going opening.

[Andy]

But they said we might get a copyright strike on YouTube because of how well we did the.

[Jason]

They're going to think John Williams, that we straight stole that.

[Andy]

All right, last question here on. Would you rather Dakota from the website?

[Jason]

Have you guys ever thought about doing music Acapella?

[Andy]

Acapella. But acapella. Movie themes.

[Jason]

Like, for sure, only movie themes. Acapella. But, like, Donna, dude, we could crush that. Okay. We call it trainatonic.

[Andy]

Stop.

[Mike]

Opening song. Right, Right.

[Andy]

That's not an opening song.

[Mike]

That wasn't. That wasn't during the opening credits.

[Andy]

I don't think so.

[Mike]

I don't know. I don't know. Jaws.

[Andy]

No, that's it.

[Mike]

I mean, sorry, Steven.

[Andy]

Dakota from the west side.

[Mike]

Your movie's old.

[Jason]

What's. What's Jurassic Park?

[Andy]

That's a closing, guys.

[Mike]

That's the entire movie. That's the entire movie.

[Jason]

We are.

[Andy]

This is a. Dakota. You must change one thing about your current sweat patterns. All other things remain unchanged. Would you rather sweat twice as much or start sweating twice as fast or have it smell twice as bad? Smells out, Smells out. No one wants to eliminate that right away.

[Jason]

Twice as fast. What's that even mean?

[Andy]

I mean, did you guys.

[Mike]

What do you mean?

[Andy]

Does it mean you start working out and you sweat? Jason, twice as fast?

[Mike]

If you started sweating twice as fast, you would never stop sweating.

[Andy]

But wait, that means, like, instead of.

[Jason]

You'Re saying I would sweat more than twice as much if I started twice as fast?

[Mike]

You. Yes.

[Jason]

Just me. How about.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

How about Jeremy?

[Mike]

Oh, Jeremy.

[Jason]

No. But Jeremy can't start sweating fast. He can't start sweating fast.

[Andy]

I haven't stopped sweating in years. He also sweats a liquid that is wetter than water.

[Jason]

Always sweating.

[Andy]

I mean, you'd like to be able to do some basic things around the house without sweating. So if you sweated twice as fast, you would sweat really quickly. That's a Twice as fast. As fast.

[Jason]

So the issue I have, you're picturing smell.

[Andy]

I'm taking smell because you already.

[Mike]

Once you smell, you're already like, once I smell, I smell. But until that point, I can have sweaty stuff.

[Jason]

And I can be okay if I smell another human. A bad smell, right? Bo. Body odor.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

If I smell another human, I didn't.

[Andy]

Know what that meant?

[Jason]

Some people might not. I am disgusted beyond what is acceptable. If I'm walking, if I'm in a.

[Mike]

Lot of sensitive disguise, I understand.

[Jason]

I'm just. I'm not even that sensitive. Like my wife is crazy sensitive. Does your wife smell? No. But if she does, you know, I.

[Mike]

Mean, does she ever smell? Yeah.

[Jason]

We've been together 20 years. Just moments.

[Andy]

How about your wife?

[Mike]

Tell me the worst your wife has ever smelled.

[Jason]

What kind of question. The worst. That.

[Mike]

Shut up. Tell me the worst.

[Jason]

The worst.

[Andy]

Give me the date.

[Jason]

What were you doing?

[Andy]

Date and time.

[Jason]

What did she just finish accomplishing? The premise of that question is out of hand. Here's the truth. When anyone smells, my wife included, it's not even a matter of how much. It's not like you smell so bad. If you smell bad. Once you cross the threshold from not bad to bad, not bad to bad. It's disgusting.

[Mike]

That's my point.

[Jason]

It doesn't go to 10% gross. It goes to you are disgusting right off the bat. Yes. Oh, so I see your point.

[Mike]

But once you pass it, it doesn't matter anymore.

[Jason]

No, you're right.

[Mike]

It doesn't matter.

[Jason]

You're actually right. Once you're at 10, as soon as you're 1% smell bad. Thank you. You might as well be a thousand percent smell bad.

[Mike]

Thank you.

[Jason]

You are a piece of worthless trash.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta get in the shower.

[Andy]

It's not a bad. I don't want to sweat twice much.

[Mike]

Jason.

[Andy]

Because then I would sweat as much as. Jeremy, this conversation is out of scope.

[Mike]

Jeremy. Jeremy. What? Go to. Go to the Doozers game. Yeah.

[Andy]

What would you choose?

[Mike]

Go to the juicers game. Jeremy, how much are you sweating right now? What's the worst your wife has ever smelled?

[Jason]

Great question. My wife smells great all the time. No, no. What? But what's the worst? All right. Okay. All right. Go to Mike's solo cam. Michael.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

What was your wife in your memory? What was that made your wife smell the worst of your entire memory? You're almost going on to 20 years. I want you to think of the worst time she's ever smelled.

[Andy]

It had to be the one time she cooked.

[Mike]

No, no. It's not cooking. It's diarrhea.

[Jason]

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[Mike]

And we're back to my wife's diarrhea.

[Andy]

All right, welcome back to the show. Goodness gracious.

[Jason]

That's not body odor.

[Andy]

We needed a break.

[Jason]

That's internal odor.

[Andy]

We needed a break. And you know what? We have another segment. What's the difference between me and you?

[Jason]

Me and you?

[Andy]

Thanks for listening to the podcast. What's the difference?

[Jason]

You thank them. I will apologize. I apologize that you are listening to this podcast.

[Andy]

What is the difference between squishing something, smashing something, and crushing something?

[Mike]

Okay, squish.

[Jason]

Squish.

[Andy]

See, you just did a physical movement with squish.

[Mike]

Yeah, because squish is.

[Andy]

Squish is like if you had a stress ball, you'd be squishing a stress ball.

[Jason]

Squish is not physical. Squish has liquid. No, no, no.

[Mike]

You can physical thing with your foot.

[Jason]

You can absolutely squish on the.

[Andy]

No, not unless you have really dexterous.

[Mike]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Jason]

Squish is about the texture. Squish is. Squish could go between fingers, between toes. Squish doesn't crumble. You know what I mean?

[Andy]

A bug squishes because of its guts juice.

[Jason]

Because it's got a squishy.

[Andy]

You love squishing bugs.

[Mike]

When a bug squishes spiders when it squishes.

[Jason]

Sorry, Peter, we gotta bring this up.

[Andy]

Do we, though?

[Mike]

Yeah. No, no, no, no. Now we do bring it up. Bring it up.

[Jason]

I talked about my.

[Mike]

This is not good.

[Jason]

Yeah, I know. We're going to get it.

[Mike]

No, no, we're not.

[Andy]

What? From who?

[Jason]

PETA.

[Mike]

From PETA.

[Jason]

All right. We talked about. I don't even. I don't remember what episode. This might have been a great sound of the bug.

[Mike]

That's the sound of PETA meeting.

[Jason]

So we had a. We had an episode where I talk about I'm a severe arachnophobic. Like, I can't stand spiders. I can't handle.

[Mike]

My guy has a phobia.

[Jason]

I have a phobia. And it's like, people have phobias of clowns or heights or whatever. It doesn't mean they're necessarily bad or evil. Clowns aren't evil. Heights aren't bad.

[Mike]

You're irrationally scared.

[Jason]

Yes, I'm irrationally scared about spiders. It's not because I think they can kill me. It's because they're ooey gooey creepy because they are demonic monsters that are the spawn of Satan. And so I think I'm fair about spiders knowing that they are literally the spawn of Satan. And so, like, if I could exterminate all spiders, I would. If I could snap my fingers and they're all gone, I would do it anyways. I don't know what we said or what I said. It was probably about stepping on a spider or something. We got an email.

[Mike]

Should check out.

[Andy]

Somebody from PETA was trying to be polite.

[Jason]

Oh, they were very kind.

[Andy]

And they wanted you to send you, like, a way to remove a spider safely, but that would involve you removing a spider.

[Jason]

If they think it was like, we've got that.

[Andy]

Somebody else could do it for you.

[Jason]

Okay. Not in my house.

[Mike]

I would recommend for the guy on PETA who wrote in, Listen to the Episode where we talk about things that you throw off a building just because.

[Jason]

You just skip the hippopotamus part. This is a satire show, my guy.

[Mike]

We tell stupid jokes.

[Jason]

We're talking about our stinky wives. It's okay if we talk about stepping on a spider. People do it. It's okay. Also, I would call that pet tea because, you know, it's not.

[Mike]

Ethical treatment of insects, Right?

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyways, what was the question? Oh, so we're squishing bugs and smashing.

[Andy]

Squishing. Crushing.

[Jason]

So, okay, crushes. Crushes in here.

[Andy]

Crushing. First thing I think of is a car at a one of those. Crushing like you crush a car.

[Jason]

I am telling you, the difference between crushing and squishing is liquidity, period.

[Andy]

You can't.

[Jason]

You cannot. You can't squish a Crush something that is liquid. You can't do it. If there's any liquid in it, it's.

[Mike]

Not crushed like a squeeze it, Right?

[Jason]

You don't crush a squeeze it.

[Andy]

I've crushed it.

[Jason]

Hold on. Well, I mean, if.

[Andy]

If there was a person in the car when you crushed it, it could.

[Jason]

Be a little squishy. There's squishy parts, but you crush the car, and then there's part in the front seat goes squish. But you see what I'm saying? The math checks out, right? Yeah, but what's about smashing that? Okay, well, let's get into that, because that's different. I know you can squish a bug.

[Andy]

You can squish. What is it? Water balloon in your fingers. You could squish like some. What do the kids make? They make the slime. Slime.

[Jason]

Oh, squishy slime.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

You can't crush slime because it's uncrushable.

[Andy]

What happens if you step on a piece of cake? What are you doing?

[Jason]

Smashing. You're smashing.

[Mike]

Oh, crushing.

[Andy]

Squishing. I think you're smashing.

[Jason]

I think you might be smashing. I think smashing, though, has to deal with anger. Like, can you smash something gently? No, right?

[Mike]

Nope.

[Jason]

You can't be like. You can't take a voss. And gently.

[Mike]

What A vase.

[Andy]

He's a fancy vader guy.

[Mike]

Don't forget.

[Jason]

It's a fancy vase. A vase.

[Mike]

Calor. How do you spell color?

[Jason]

C O L O, U, R E. Calore. But, yeah, I mean. Smash.

[Mike]

No, no. Hulk smash.

[Jason]

What is Hulk's. Hulk's whole thing.

[Mike]

Hulk doesn't squish.

[Jason]

No, no, it's not Hulk squish.

[Andy]

What?

[Jason]

But what is his secret Mike?

[Mike]

What is the Hulk's secret that he's angry.

[Jason]

That's what smashing is.

[Andy]

When you go to a smash room, you're gonna.

[Jason]

You are. You are angry. Smashing has to have emotion.

[Mike]

Squeeze.

[Jason]

You can't. You can't unemotionally smash something.

[Mike]

I. Yeah, we're good.

[Andy]

Smash burgers.

[Mike]

Oh, crap.

[Jason]

Oh, man. That's. But that's.

[Andy]

But I feel like there's a little bit of anger in it.

[Jason]

You gotta.

[Andy]

You gotta be a little violent.

[Jason]

Why'd you gotta bring up.

[Andy]

Crushing is the most. It's the heaviest. You can crush. You can't squish everything. You can crush everything I can crush. What's the difference between a concert, a performance, and a recital?

[Jason]

Concert.

[Andy]

Which one? Can I hear these things, Skip, if my kid's a part of it?

[Jason]

Concert. Concerts are performance and a recital. Well, I know which one's the worst.

[Andy]

The recital.

[Jason]

Recital. If I hear the word recital.

[Mike]

Lowest level.

[Jason]

How can I be out of this?

[Mike]

Lowest level.

[Andy]

We have to come up with a system where you can walk in, see your child, and walk out.

[Jason]

There's no professional. There's no professional recital.

[Andy]

I don't need to see your kid. Mike. You don't need to see my kid. Jason, you don't need to see my.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh, my guy.

[Andy]

Just walk in, watch a performance.

[Jason]

You are speaking language that all this is universal humanity.

[Mike]

Why aren't we doing this?

[Andy]

Not one parent.

[Mike]

Stop it.

[Andy]

We talk about things we pretend to. Like if there's a person out there that says they like their kids. Recital. You're a liar. Or you have a phone that's really fun to play on while the other kids.

[Jason]

And you're in the back row.

[Mike]

It's insane.

[Andy]

I've gone into those where they don't have WI fi.

[Jason]

There's no professional recitals, right?

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

No one could ever be, like, paid to go to the.

[Andy]

You can't charge tickets to a recital.

[Mike]

Recital implies amateur. Yeah, and the fact that, look, you can have a recital with literally only the people who care about the performance. If my child is up and it is just me, my wife, some extended family. That is a recital. I don't need Billy and Bobby's mom pretending that they want to see my kid going on a violin. Just stop it. Just stop it.

[Andy]

A concert. I can have fun at the.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, we want to go to concerts. You buy tickets to a concert.

[Andy]

I don't know about this performance thing.

[Jason]

Well, performance is different because the other two kind of imply music.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Performance is more theater. Performance is. There's there's more than music. You can't go to a gymnastics.

[Andy]

What is that?

[Jason]

You would never form. No.

[Mike]

Oh, no, no, no, no. Hold on.

[Jason]

Oh, no. I don't think that's a performance.

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Jason]

I don't think the gymnasts would ever be like, are you coming to my performance?

[Mike]

That's a competition. Yeah, because there's judges. Yeah.

[Andy]

A magic act. Is that a performance?

[Jason]

But no, nothing. Music. There is no music event ever.

[Mike]

There's only a music at a magician's performance.

[Jason]

No, no, no. Because there's more than music. I'm not saying there's no music. If there's a musical theater show, that's a performance. But it can't just be music. If it's just music, you would never call it a performance ever. Ever, Ever? No. No. World. But can I complain about my kid's school real quick?

[Andy]

Yeah, great, dude.

[Mike]

I would love nothing more.

[Jason]

Mine.

[Andy]

You pay for it. So go on.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's a private school. It's very special private school.

[Andy]

So complain. What do you buy for no reason.

[Jason]

I just had to go to the tuition. Well, the tuition. The tuition is one thing, but I had to go to a choir performance, not a recital. No, that's not a performance. Right, It's a choir.

[Andy]

No, it could be a performance, not a concert.

[Mike]

Okay, so recital sounds like rehearsal.

[Jason]

It sounds like it feels like it.

[Mike]

Once you're there, recital is rehearsal.

[Jason]

So I'm going front of people. This choir event and performance is fine. Here's the problem. So my middle schoolers. This is not a joke. I'm not making this up. I have high schoolers and a middle schooler. They're both in choir in different concerts and.

[Mike]

Wait, hold. Okay, timeout. Time out. You have. You have two twins?

[Jason]

One set of twins. Yes. Yeah, I didn't want people to think I got four kids I don't know.

[Mike]

I don't have twins. Okay, you have one set of twins, which to me infers or implies, I don't know, the right word. They're the same age.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

I just want to make sure we're on the same.

[Jason]

Making sure that the. What the definition of twins is. What do you mean implies? It means they are in first. He's not sure if it implies which one is it. It just means neither.

[Andy]

It's.

[Jason]

They are. They are.

[Andy]

It's a four.

[Mike]

Hold on, hold on.

[Jason]

Two children, twins, that are two years apart.

[Mike]

Two children that are the same age, only minutes apart.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

They're in different.

[Jason]

No, no. But my middle Schooler is in a different choir.

[Mike]

Oh, you're the youngest. Okay.

[Jason]

And so that's sometimes bad enough when they've got these together, but what my school did, and this was like two weeks ago.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Is they had a two and a half hour choir and band. Combined.

[Mike]

No, no, no.

[Jason]

Combined. So every single person there, all of them, every parent there, every parent there, everyone, all of them had to sit through half of the thing that their kids couldn't participate in. Because no one, that no one was in both, not one kid went over from the band to the choir.

[Mike]

How many kids are in this band?

[Jason]

It felt like 700,000. It was like, no, no, no, no.

[Mike]

But how many kids are actually in the band?

[Jason]

50.

[Mike]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jason]

Totally. Enough to do their own thing.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

No, no, no, no.

[Jason]

How many kids are in choir?

[Mike]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Jason]

50.

[Mike]

A children's band.

[Jason]

Yeah. So I'm sitting there through. I've got to wait for my middle school choir to go up, but I've got to wait through the band that. I don't know anyone there. I don't. And they're not that good. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

It's a middle school.

[Jason]

It's not their fault. They're learning. I'm proud of them.

[Andy]

You have like 73 years to live. You do not have time for this.

[Jason]

But then they do an hour break followed by the high school choir and band together for another hour.

[Mike]

What happens in the hour break?

[Jason]

I waited in my truck. I went out to my truck and I.

[Mike]

What did they bring you?

[Jason]

They're swapping out the middle schooling for.

[Andy]

All the high schoolers. And he had to be at both.

[Mike]

No, there's like.

[Jason]

There's like a five.

[Andy]

It's a good year for having so many kids.

[Mike]

They got like hot dogs, right?

[Andy]

They did not help. That would be helpful.

[Mike]

Is there any concessions at all?

[Andy]

No, no, no.

[Jason]

They did have some hot cocoa.

[Andy]

They don't have ticket sales to help.

[Mike]

Hot cocoa is not an hour.

[Jason]

It's.

[Mike]

Hot cocoa is 30 minutes max. Yeah.

[Jason]

Anyway, so nothing.

[Mike]

No, hold on. They don't have an hour. Anything satiating for an hour.

[Jason]

They should have had a food truck, right?

[Mike]

Yes, for the break. Of course.

[Andy]

Every school does this. It's. Here's what else they do. They'll tell you your kid, the recitals at 6. They'll say your kids need to be there at 4:30. And then you go, what am I supposed to do from 4:30 to 6?

[Jason]

Yep.

[Andy]

And then there's a parking lot of parents sitting in cars because they want the kids there an hour and a half early to the event that happened. Then you do a two and a half hour event and then you get.

[Jason]

An hour break, sit in the parking lot. Then you got a two and a half hour event for the other.

[Andy]

Well, you did.

[Jason]

And the entire time, you know, every single parent there is thinking either this is my small moment where I get to watch my kid or this is all the kids I don't know and don't care about.

[Andy]

It's not good.

[Jason]

We need to fix this.

[Andy]

We're taking a break. We're drafting. Right after.

[Jason]

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[Andy]

Well, we are drafting things people pretend to like. Things people pretend to like. Mike, you have the first pick. There are a lot of answers. What are you going with? The number one thing.

[Mike]

So I talked. I talked about it at the top of the show. I said, I have it. They have the answer. I don't know when it needed to come out. But this other. The other conversations of this show have led me. I have to take it first for the integrity and the honor, I love that of a Spitballers draft. The thing that people pretend to like other people's kids.

[Jason]

Oh, get wrecked. Get wrecked.

[Mike]

Other so true peoples. I barely like my own kids. You think I like your kids, but.

[Jason]

You act like you like them even more than you like anyone else because you have to. You have to act like I don't guffaw over my kids the way I would guffaw over someone else's kids. You know what I mean?

[Andy]

It's like this has been brought. This has been made.

[Jason]

I understand What a great 100.

[Mike]

Set the tone, guys.

[Jason]

Other people's kids.

[Andy]

This is a great answer. And this is brought like this was always the case. And then social media has made this innumerable worse because you post about somebody else's kids and then I have to reply to your post about your kids with a thumbs up or I like you. Otherwise you think I don't like your kids. It's a social construct of appreciating each other's kids.

[Mike]

And you know what?

[Andy]

When we don't, we don't know their names.

[Mike]

We don't have to do this.

[Andy]

I don't know your kids.

[Mike]

We don't have it. We don't have to do this.

[Andy]

Just raise your kids, man.

[Mike]

You know what?

[Andy]

I'm dealing with mine.

[Mike]

Yeah, you know what? The thumbs up, you give them love. Do you know what the. When I thumbs up your post about your kids, it means I'm thumbs upping you. I'm like, dude, you're alive.

[Andy]

Nice post.

[Mike]

You're doing it, man.

[Andy]

You made a post.

[Mike]

You're living with your kids.

[Jason]

Way to live.

[Mike]

The worst. So good work.

[Jason]

Good people's kids. You do pretend to like them more than what is true. And that's not to say there aren't other people's kids that I do adore and love. Sometimes it can be real. But all the time I press my.

[Andy]

One of my answers on my list that I will not pick now because of that answer is kids, birthdays party. Birthday party.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

You've got To.

[Andy]

Not only do you have to pretend, you got to pretend, and you got to pay to pretend.

[Jason]

That's one.

[Andy]

It's a pay to pretend because you got to bring a guest.

[Jason]

That's one where I genuinely don't like my. Even my own kids parties, and I still pretend that I do. That's just like. I hate this.

[Mike]

Here's the thing. We all know we got the kid. If you have kids, you know if your child is likable. Do you like.

[Jason]

Yeah. You do know that. You do know if your kid is.

[Mike]

End of discussion.

[Jason]

Yep.

[Mike]

And you know what? I hope my kids are listening right now.

[Andy]

All right, Jason, you are up. Things people pretend to like.

[Jason]

All right, I'm going to bring the heat right off the bat. I was thinking.

[Andy]

A good answer.

[Jason]

I was thinking I was going to wait. I was going to let this one slide because I don't think anyone else would pick it, because people love this. It's the only right way. It's correct. It's. And here's the thing. Of the three of us, I'm the food connoisseur.

[Mike]

You are.

[Jason]

I am the chef.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

I am also the steak master. I might eat a tenderloin. Too late. But I make tenderloins. Filets, ribeyes. I love it all.

[Mike]

You're a meat man. I have no idea where this is going.

[Jason]

I'm going to be really honest, and I'm calling out the entire world, and especially my world. My world of.

[Andy]

I think I know where this is from.

[Jason]

My world of I love fancy, highly made, very curated meat.

[Mike]

Okay?

[Jason]

People pretend to love the best. The only way to get it medium rare. You have to order medium rare on your steaks. You have to. It's the only right way. I know. People are gonna be like, people are mad at me right now because this is off brand. They assume I'm a medium rare guy. What are you. I'm a medium guy.

[Andy]

I'm the.

[Jason]

I'm the best guy.

[Andy]

The truth is, I had rare stakes on my list.

[Mike]

Rare, sure.

[Andy]

Well, that's a similar thing.

[Jason]

Not many people. My reason I'm doing medium rare is because it is the.

[Andy]

Mike likes medium rare.

[Jason]

He orders it, but he doesn't like it as much as medium.

[Mike]

No, exactly.

[Jason]

He's pretending that. That you're.

[Mike]

Hold on.

[Jason]

I fully agree because I want to do this one. I really want to talk stupid.

[Mike]

I'm doing some self evaluation. You're not tougher because I order medium.

[Jason]

Okay. All right.

[Mike]

Yeah, I will eat a medium rare.

[Jason]

Me too. But it's not as good.

[Mike]

I want it medium.

[Jason]

Yes, I know. Here's the thing. The reason why I wanted to bring. The reason I want to bring this one to the table is because genuinely, people who care.

[Mike]

Yeah, we want. We want it medium, but the people.

[Jason]

Who really like are supposed to care and pretend to care. They will always be medium rare. When you go to the fancy steakhouse, they will recommend it medium rare because.

[Mike]

Because it comes medium, right?

[Jason]

Yeah, because. Exactly. Exactly.

[Mike]

The reason I order medium is because I feel like it comes more reading medium rare than it does medium well.

[Jason]

Because no one would ever want a medium rare.

[Mike]

It's like.

[Jason]

So here's the truth. Yeah, Mo. Here's the reason why medium rare is supposed to be better. Because if you overcook a steak, you completely ruin it. You do if you have medium well. You took a good piece.

[Mike]

Get your ketchup out and eat your steak.

[Jason]

And you ruined it. You turned it into an app.

[Mike]

Oh, no.

[Jason]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Mike]

The face.

[Andy]

What do you guys face when you order a steak? What do you order?

[Jason]

Medium. Every time. Nice, Papa Josh.

[Andy]

Medium rare.

[Jason]

Yep. You pretending so. Let me talk to Papa Josh.

[Mike]

Medium well.

[Jason]

Andy orders a burger patter. Burger Patty. That's fine. He doesn't count for that. I'm talking to him.

[Andy]

I grew up with, well, yes.

[Jason]

Gross. You ruin a steak when you overcook it. So therefore, people are saying it's more tender and more flavorful when it's medium rare, but when it's got that deep red center, it is flat out chewy. It is not as good as a truly medium cooked steak. It's not. And there's no flavor difference.

[Andy]

This soapbox time for Jason.

[Jason]

Yeah, this is really soapbox time because I used to. I used to always be medium rare. Always be medium rare every time. Because that's what you're supposed to do if you're a steak guy. And I would try to cook it there, and I would try to. I would always order it medium rare because I want them to know I know what I'm doing.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

Sophisticated. Yeah. No, don't be shamed out there. Mediums are better than medium rare.

[Andy]

All right? You've. You took other people's kids.

[Mike]

You took medium before we move on because it's steak related. Jason. A1.

[Jason]

Awesome.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

It's awesome.

[Mike]

Okay. Okay. This is a man of the people now.

[Jason]

Do I eat it with all my steaks? My steaks are pretty awesome. They don't need a one, but I love a one.

[Mike]

My steaks don't need a one.

[Jason]

I do mean that if I'm at a restaurant, I don't like it. I'll be like, do you have a one? Great. But even a good steak, it can still be enhanced with a one. I will never. When I make my stakes, I offer my people. Would you like some A1? Because it's awesome.

[Andy]

My number one pick is the in laws.

[Jason]

I didn't see that coming. That wasn't on my list. And that's such a good answer.

[Andy]

You don't have a choice. You don't have a choice.

[Jason]

Oh, go to. Go to Dooser's Alley. Oh, Papa Josh stared him down because your in laws, Andy, are his parents. He was looking over.

[Andy]

I'm not speed.

[Jason]

I'm just saying in general, people.

[Andy]

I'm just saying most people, not just Josh's parents. Isn't Josh technically? I mean, he's technically my brother in law.

[Mike]

Right?

[Andy]

Dang it, quick.

[Jason]

All right, good point. Go to Jeremy. Proof.

[Mike]

Go to Jeremy. Jeremy, how do you feel about your in laws?

[Jason]

Love them. Yes. Perfect answer. Go to Mike. Go to Mike. How do you feel about your in laws? I can't hear you. This is an audio episode. Oh, his mic must be. Loves working.

[Andy]

He's got the face that says I love him.

[Jason]

Okay, go, go, go to my solo. I love my in laws. I'm very lucky. No, you don't.

[Mike]

I've been to lunch with you.

[Andy]

Look, I love mine too. I genuinely do.

[Jason]

In laws go. Why don't they.

[Andy]

But the people, the majority of people of things, you have to pretend. There's nothing like the social awkwardness of having to love everybody that is related to your spouse. You have no choice.

[Jason]

I don't even love all my.

[Andy]

If you like them, you're lucky. Right? If you like them, you're lucky. If you don't like them, truly, if you don't like them, you have to pretend anyways.

[Jason]

Yeah, you're not allowed to say that you don't so love your in law.

[Andy]

We are drafting things. People pretend to.

[Jason]

This is our best draft.

[Andy]

Not things that I wear.

[Jason]

We are exposing social nonsense.

[Andy]

The other thing I got great news.

[Mike]

My in laws don't listen to my podcasts.

[Jason]

That's the good news. That's good news for you.

[Andy]

My.

[Jason]

They might get sent a clip, though.

[Andy]

My second pick.

[Mike]

It pays for their life, but I don't. They don't listen to it.

[Jason]

Oh, my God. Oh, yes. Show moment of all time. What episode is this? It pays for the life, but they don't listen. 351.

[Mike]

Yes. The best part about this, I will never hear.

[Jason]

You'll never hear anything. You'll hear about. Oh, this is great. Mike, man. Mike is living free.

[Andy]

So in laws.

[Jason]

Awesome.

[Andy]

Number two, dressing up.

[Jason]

Oh, yes.

[Mike]

Dressing up. Yes.

[Jason]

Sweatpants.

[Andy]

Yeah, Mike's wearing sweats right now. Mike already made the announcement.

[Jason]

I love to get fancy in a tuxedo.

[Andy]

I mean, don't you want to be uncomfortable?

[Mike]

You know what I love? I love when I have to button that top button.

[Jason]

Oh yeah. And put the tie, put a tie on. Dressing up, when the girls got to wear their high heels, they love walking around in the.

[Andy]

Dressing up means I spend more to be less comfortable. Right. And probably my temperature is not controlled the way I want it to be.

[Mike]

Of course, people, what a stupid thing we do.

[Andy]

I mean, and, and, and to credit, modern day, I mean this was very much the norm for the, the working culture in, in the 50s, 60s. That's how you went. You had to dress up.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

Now we're much. Now we're like, oh, that's uncomfortable. Yeah.

[Mike]

We were like, that was dumb.

[Jason]

And you don't have to look bad in comfortable clothes. No, there's comfy, good looking clothes.

[Andy]

No, but dressing up, you ever seen that?

[Mike]

The swoot.

[Jason]

Have you ever dressed up? Like if you were to say I have to dress up. Like if that's this, it's an event, whatever it is, where you say I have to dress up. Not like I'm going to a good restaurant, but you say, oh, I have to dress up for this. Has there ever been a time that you can think of in your life where you would, would qualify it with I have to dress up for this event. Where it has been comfortable clothes. No, no, those aren't connected because the neck is tight. The extra layers are tight. You're sweating through all your layers.

[Andy]

You got dress socks on.

[Jason]

Oh, dress socks.

[Andy]

Dress socks are made of onion skin.

[Jason]

Why? What is with dress socks?

[Mike]

What is that all about?

[Andy]

It's like no socks at all.

[Jason]

It's just a thin layer of skin.

[Andy]

It's pantyhose.

[Jason]

It's pantyhose. It's men's pantyhose that go up to.

[Mike]

Your calf, which I can only assume that pantyhose suck.

[Jason]

Yeah. Because we've worn dress socks.

[Mike]

Can only assume it just longer dress socks.

[Jason]

But I completely can only assume. I don't know for sure what pantyhose feels like.

[Mike]

But, but point being is like boots. Boots look fabulous.

[Jason]

Yeah, they're awesome.

[Mike]

Look great.

[Jason]

Yeah, they're Manly. Or. Or the women's boots. They're both.

[Mike]

Boots on your feet are awful.

[Jason]

Go walk a mile of those.

[Andy]

All blister makers.

[Jason]

All y'.

[Andy]

All.

[Mike]

In my Instagram and my Facebook and everything, you're like, we made. No, you didn't.

[Jason]

These boots were made for walking.

[Mike]

These boots are made for putting on your feet and sitting and not moving.

[Jason]

Those boots are made for calluses.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

For photographs.

[Mike]

Why can't we put, like, athletic boots.

[Andy]

Were invented by podiatrists.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

That can repair the feet afterwards.

[Mike]

Put comfy things in boots.

[Andy]

Impossible. Jason, you're back on the clock. Medium rare steak was your first pick of things people pretend to like.

[Jason]

Look, a lot of my list is things you put in your mouth and things you eat. Okay, all right. This is one I have tried. I have pretended. I've pretended to. Like this.

[Andy]

I have caviar.

[Jason]

No. That's actually legitimately delicious. It might be. No, no, no, no, no.

[Mike]

There's.

[Jason]

You've never had caviar.

[Mike]

Yeah, I have.

[Jason]

Then you love it. No, no. Caviar is delicious.

[Mike]

No, you don't.

[Jason]

So you don't like salt.

[Mike]

I don't. I don't take a. I'm not saying.

[Jason]

You like spending $250 on caviar.

[Andy]

I like salt. I don't take it by the spoonful.

[Mike]

Thank you. I don't. I don't sit down and I'm like, oh, my.

[Andy]

I knew Jason would defend caviar with his life.

[Mike]

Do you have salt? And I go, it doesn't. Pour it in my mouth.

[Jason]

It's not. It doesn't taste like you're pouring.

[Mike]

Charge me 250 bucks.

[Jason]

No, you can't bring the price in because that's not what this is. This is not one of those things.

[Mike]

That charge me $10 a pour salt in my mouth. Don't do it.

[Jason]

Caviar is delicious. Don't make your pick. It might be overrated because it is very expensive. But it's delicious. Absolutely delicious. This one can also be expensive. I've seen it cheap. I've seen it expensive. But people I know say they love it. Oh, my gosh. There are cities built around this thing. And if I go to a fancy restaurant, they always will have this. And it's expensive. And they are objectively. I have tried to pretend I like it. They are objectively, nauseatingly gross. And it's oysters. It's snot. You're eating. You're slurping snot.

[Andy]

I assume because you like caviar, you Love oysters.

[Jason]

I would love to love oysters. I would love to love oysters. They're disgusting.

[Andy]

You've tried to love them.

[Jason]

I had one last night, okay? I'm trying to get on board, tending to like oysters.

[Andy]

And what'd you say? Did they ask you if you liked it?

[Mike]

You went, mmm.

[Andy]

What? Did they ask you if you liked it?

[Jason]

They. I said it was good.

[Andy]

Uh huh. And how was it?

[Jason]

But to be fair, there was some. There was caviar on it.

[Mike]

Where was the tone of your voice? Was it.

[Jason]

I was like, oh, nobody. It was better because it had caviar.

[Andy]

Nobody should have more recently had caviar.

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Andy]

Just oysters is the pick.

[Jason]

Anyway, oysters. People pretend to like them. You can't. You can't really like them. They're disgusting.

[Andy]

Mike, you are on the clock. Other people's kids.

[Mike]

Okay, we're. We're on. We're on. Food perfection. Brunch.

[Andy]

Brunch.

[Mike]

What in the world is brunch? What is happening?

[Jason]

What is wrong with brunch?

[Mike]

I'm starving. I am so hungry. By the time brunch hits and they're like, here's breakfast food.

[Andy]

You're saying because you have to delay.

[Mike]

Your breakfast, you're like, that's what brunch is. Brunch is like, hey, do you want the breakfast stuff at 8am you're like, no. What about 11? You're like, I'm starving. You're like, here's your omelette.

[Jason]

What are we doing? You want a burger at 11 and you're getting a breakfast burger?

[Mike]

What is brunch? What are we doing?

[Jason]

Why are we doing this?

[Andy]

I don't. I don't hate brunch.

[Jason]

The way you made it like an event.

[Mike]

Let's go to brunch. No, let's go to lunch. The funny thing is, let's go to breakfast.

[Andy]

The idea of waiting because you're hungry, but you got to wait because we're going out to brunch.

[Mike]

But you got to wait.

[Andy]

And I only get one meal.

[Mike]

And then you know what you're gonna eat breakfast.

[Andy]

I don't get two meals.

[Mike]

Who, what? Why are we eating breakfast at 11 in the morning?

[Andy]

All right, brunch. Didn't see it on the list.

[Mike]

We're already in lunchtime.

[Andy]

Somebody's had a problem with brunch.

[Mike]

Restaurants are open. They're open. You know what? Good Egg is open. That's fine. You know, everybody. Subway's open. If subway is open, you cannot have brunch. You Cannot be serving breakfast food when Subway is open.

[Andy]

A lot of places do brunch. Only on the weekends.

[Jason]

I'm going to be honest.

[Andy]

I'm available during the week.

[Jason]

I will be honest. So I don't mind brunch. I like a late breakfast.

[Andy]

Do you have breakfast, like an early lunch?

[Jason]

I'm fine with it. But to be completely honest, there are many times. There's a couple restaurants I really, really like. Two that I visit very often. And if you go there, either one on a Saturday.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Before, like 2pm it's brunch menu. They give me a stupid menu. I don't want. I just want your. I came here because I love your food. Why are you offering me this?

[Mike]

It's our special brunch menu.

[Andy]

Yep.

[Mike]

Throw it in the garbage.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And bring me your lunch menu.

[Jason]

I'm not like. But I. I do. I do understand that.

[Andy]

All right, Mike, one more pick.

[Mike]

All right. Art.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

Oh, there's nothing like the social pressure to appreciate art. Art that you don't appreciate art.

[Mike]

And I'm sorry.

[Andy]

You're just being honest here.

[Mike]

I'm so sorry. Painters, sculptors.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

I. I don't get it, man.

[Jason]

So my next pick. You just took my next pick away.

[Mike]

So here's what I'll say about this is the funniest part about this to me is I have spent 40 plus years on this earth. I finally, finally on. On Instagram, I got hit with a. With an artist who. And I was like, oh, you like it? I was like, holy.

[Jason]

But it's real. You really like it?

[Mike]

Like, this is. It's. It's all handmade. I was like, this is incredible. And then the price got posted now went, nope, no, it's too expensive. Nope, absolutely not. I want artists. I want to support you. I. I truly do. I, like, I'm. It. It's hyperbolic. I'm making fun of. Of art, especially, like, paintings and things. But it's like, I want to support you. I know there's people that do like it, but the second you put a price on it. And in this world of technology, well, I don't live in the Renaissance, guys. It's not too.

[Andy]

You can buy an iPad.

[Mike]

It's not 2,000 years ago. I go in, like, the same way that y' all made fun of NFTs. We're like, I just copy this. And I can do that to art.

[Andy]

I think fruit used to be more expensive before we had other stuff.

[Mike]

I can go to your art. I can get a free program. I Can screenshot.

[Andy]

Oh, you're a dirty man.

[Mike]

And I. I'm just. I don't do it.

[Jason]

Maybe I do.

[Mike]

I don't do it. Maybe I do. And then. And then I send it to a company and they're like, here's a $20 full size canvas.

[Andy]

So you're a thief.

[Mike]

No, it's the. It's just.

[Jason]

You want that original piece.

[Mike]

It's adapting to the times, and it's.

[Andy]

So you don't get it. You don't, like. You pretend to like art.

[Mike]

I saw an artist that I want to with. With 98% of me. I want to support this guy. And then he puts the price up and I go, there's just.

[Andy]

How was it thousands?

[Mike]

It's multi thousand dollars for, like a picture.

[Jason]

Like a regular sized picture.

[Andy]

I'm jealous of people that can see the nuance within art and appreciate it. I really am.

[Jason]

They're pretending, Andy. You don't have to be.

[Andy]

That's the problem is it's like, I don't get it. Like, if you. I'm not the guy. Like, if you show me, like, a baby picture and then the adult picture. Oh, put baby somebody else. And then you're like, oh, they have your eyes.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. Show me your baby.

[Andy]

I cannot tell. Somebody would be like, oh, he's got your eyes. I'm like, I believe you, but I cannot see it. I can't see it. The before and after of, like, people doing, like, skin treatments. I can't tell which one's before or after ever. Like, I don't have that.

[Mike]

Whatever.

[Andy]

The eyesight palette of being able to perceive the nuance of the art. But I'll read it and I'll be.

[Jason]

Like, wow, that's a nice piece.

[Mike]

The problem is, is art should be for everybody. All humanity.

[Andy]

From an accessibility standpoint.

[Mike]

From an accessibility. It's this huge. It's a cyclical problem. Art should be accessible to all humanity. And yet for artists to survive, art can only be accessible to the 1%. And so the 99% don't get to appreciate or grow in understanding and appreciation for the art because they can't afford it.

[Andy]

It's like, it's not in every home, but here's.

[Mike]

I could afford it. I could do it, but I can't morally afford it.

[Jason]

You know what I mean?

[Andy]

Not when you could buy caviar. Right, Jay?

[Jason]

Yeah, baby.

[Andy]

All right, Jason. My name rare steaks, oysters. You got two foods so far.

[Jason]

My next pick was going to be museums.

[Mike]

Museums rule. You get out of here. They're great.

[Jason]

What's in a museum, Mike?

[Mike]

Not an art museum.

[Jason]

History museum. Things you can't see most of the time. Most history museum. Most of the time. Most museums are just art, Whether it's sculptures.

[Mike]

Art museums suck.

[Jason]

Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. Anyways. But I won't pick that because you went art. I'm gonna go with something that I pretend to like. Look, I'm guilty of my own list, and I'm fine.

[Andy]

Yeah, we all are.

[Jason]

It's black coffee.

[Andy]

Black coffee.

[Mike]

Oh, you pretend to like black coffee.

[Jason]

Oh, we all care, Especially men. How do you take your coffee black? I don't need any cream and sugar.

[Andy]

Like we did out in the cowboy district.

[Jason]

There's no one on planet earth that could blind taste test black coffee and cream, sugar coffee and be like, I'll take this one. Give me the slope.

[Andy]

Like, you know what? It's a great answer.

[Jason]

It's awful. And we all pretend.

[Andy]

I've tried to pretend I still drink.

[Jason]

Black coffee most of the time.

[Mike]

I can do it.

[Andy]

You do it to be tough.

[Jason]

Oh, just because it's, like, cool. It's like I'm growing. Yeah, but you. But you.

[Andy]

I could buy a motorcycle. It's so bitter.

[Jason]

Sip and one.

[Andy]

One drop of milk redeems the entire splash of milk. A splash of milk or anything.

[Jason]

Yeah, black coffee. You pretend to like it. No one likes. Likes black coffee.

[Andy]

My third answer, behind in laws and dressing up, is cats.

[Jason]

I love it. Get wrecked, cat people.

[Andy]

There's nothing redeemable about a cat.

[Jason]

And he can't believe your love. He can't believe it.

[Andy]

The cats don't even like you.

[Jason]

No, the cats definitely don't.

[Andy]

The cats are tolerating you because you put slop in a little bowl, and then they can take a dump in.

[Jason]

Your living room, and you clean it up.

[Mike]

And they say, I get older. I get older, and cats are better.

[Andy]

If you. If you bought me some cats, I'd never know I have cats there they would want to be hiding from.

[Mike]

There is a thing for the, like, the.

[Jason]

The.

[Mike]

The stereotype, the joke. The old cat lady is like, because.

[Andy]

You just want them around.

[Mike]

I kind of get it.

[Jason]

I think people becoming a cat lady.

[Mike]

No, because here's the thing. You know what that old lady did is like, humans. I've had enough. I have had enough. I'm going to replace it with the lowest level.

[Jason]

Dogs are needy.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

Yeah. Dogs are. Look, don't hear what I'm saying. Dogs are better. But Cats. The older I get. The more I get it. The older I get.

[Andy]

Because you can leave you alone.

[Jason]

You have to get to a point where you hate life.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Then you can. Then you can.

[Andy]

All right, and my final answer.

[Mike]

The moment you're like, I'd wish for this to be over.

[Jason]

Get.

[Mike]

Bring the cats. Bring the cats in.

[Andy]

So I had to attack cats because that's what I do. I'm horribly allergic to them. So I'm. I hold that against them. My final answer is going to be a funny one. I have several final answers. We'll have to throw them out in the honorable mention. It is deep tissue massages.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Oh, God.

[Mike]

Oh, that's the best answer we've given all. 1. What is wrong with these people?

[Andy]

Which is, by the way, when you go get a massage, it's the black coffee scenario, too. It's like, do I want, like, a Swedish massage or a deep.

[Jason]

You feel guilty being, like, Swedish? Yeah.

[Andy]

Don't give me just the one that feels good. Give me the one that feels bad. That also leaves me sore and maybe with a fever.

[Mike]

But also, here's a. Here's $200.

[Jason]

Oh, it costs more. Yeah.

[Andy]

Money for pain. You walk out.

[Jason]

I want to lay on the bed and be like, I'm tough. Don't make a noise.

[Mike]

I'm so relaxed right now.

[Jason]

Don't yelp. Don't yelp.

[Andy]

It is so close to getting somebody to whip you.

[Jason]

And this is the best.

[Mike]

The best answer we've given. What is wrong with those?

[Jason]

When you are asked. When you are there and you're asked what kind of massage you want, I feel like such.

[Andy]

I can't say Swedish.

[Jason]

I use. But I want to. Swedish. I always say Swedish.

[Andy]

They could just take a feather and.

[Jason]

Rub it on my back. That'd be the better massage. I get the Swedish, but. But I feel like such a putz every time. Give me the black coffee in the deep dishes. It's one of those, like, I just. Like, I just.

[Andy]

You know, I'll just see Al back there is. Is clearly in love with a deep tissue massage.

[Mike]

What?

[Andy]

I can tell he's looking at me like a.

[Jason]

This is such a bad take.

[Mike]

Oh, why do you hate yourself?

[Andy]

Why do you keep pretending?

[Jason]

Have you not had Swedish massages? Not pretending. Have you.

[Andy]

You're not relaxing during.

[Jason]

You're not having nice relaxing massages. I'm not go in there for that.

[Andy]

You're not going to relax.

[Jason]

He's going for physical therapy.

[Andy]

I want.

[Jason]

Yes, I want. We're talking about a Masseuse, not a pt. You're. You're going to try to rescue your body from an injury that's called a chiropractic injury. I just want all the stress in my muscles to be worked out. I have never felt better after a deep tissue massage.

[Andy]

Never.

[Mike]

Never. And you know what they're like, Jeremy.

[Andy]

And Hilda are fine.

[Mike]

Make sure you drink 10 gallons of water or you're gonna feel like you have the flu because I just beat the crap out of you.

[Jason]

They do warn you.

[Mike]

What? Brother. Brother.

[Jason]

I love it.

[Mike]

If you're getting a massage, do you.

[Andy]

Mind if I use the sledgehammer for five minutes?

[Mike]

If you're getting a massage and you can't fall asleep.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, that's a good barometer.

[Mike]

Then. Then it's not a massage.

[Jason]

No, no. I gotta trust it.

[Mike]

We are. This is soy boy.

[Jason]

Part of them struggle to stay awake. If I'm not struggling to stay awake. If that's not a real. That's my biggest issue out of massage. My cross bear is staying awake for this.

[Andy]

The best part of a deep tissue is you walk out of there and they're like, how was it? And you have to be like, it was great.

[Jason]

You have to what? And then you like it. You have to pretend that you like it.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Distracted.

[Andy]

That was great. Anyways, do you have any leave. All right, deep tissue massage is my final answer.

[Mike]

Jason.

[Andy]

You guys both have a final answer.

[Jason]

Mine is. It's very artsy, fartsy, like Mike's art. But this one is one where everyone in the world, like, you can look at art and there might be someone that is like, yeah, that is beautiful. I really do like that. There is beautiful art, but there isn't one event, artistically speaking, that every single objective, non insane person can look at and say, what are we doing? But everyone that goes to these events is like, yes. And it's high fashion Runway. High fashion. Runway art.

[Mike]

What is happening?

[Jason]

What is this?

[Mike]

What is going on?

[Jason]

Wear a trash bag or some crate like this. These high fashion Runway shows are just wearing them since an umbrella. They're nonsense. What are we doing? It's not clothes. It's not an outfit. It's not even a costume. It's just nonsense. And then everyone's just, oh, it's so amazing. So good. What? Shut up. You're so stupid. You're so. I would like an invite, and I would go and I will absolutely clap and celebrate.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, you will.

[Jason]

Like if I got that. If someone wants to bring me to the Met Gala, I'm in.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

Until then, tell us. Garbage triangle. Hey, Met. Met Gala. Prove me wrong. Okay. Until then, your stuff sucks.

[Andy]

All right, Mike, final pick. This may be the longest spitballers you've ever done.

[Mike]

Hey, when we're rolling, we're just letting out.

[Andy]

I don't.

[Mike]

This one might not be as good as the other picks, but I've had enough. I've had enough.

[Andy]

I love this draft so much.

[Mike]

I have had enough. Because we're so old and it's like we just need.

[Jason]

Every draft is like our gripes. Yeah.

[Andy]

Ivory drafts. Just thinks we hate.

[Mike]

I thoroughly admit I get trapped. I'm on the reels and things way too long. And when you get hit with these freaking. With the grind set.

[Andy]

Oh, grind set. You're talking about the guys who are.

[Mike]

Like, I've got 50 hours in one day. You know what you do? You're sleeping until 6 in the morning. I wake up at 2 in the morning.

[Andy]

The grind influencer.

[Mike]

There's four more hours. No, no, there's not four more hours. It is the exact same amount of time. And then I work for 44 hours. And that. It's on a repos. Eight hours young. What are you.

[Andy]

The best way to make.

[Jason]

I literally.

[Andy]

The best way to make $10 million is to buy 10 businesses.

[Mike]

You know what I.

[Andy]

$100,000. I sell them for a million each.

[Mike]

I spend $9 million. That buy something that's worth $10 million.

[Andy]

Boom.

[Mike]

I spend.

[Andy]

I know what you're talking about.

[Mike]

What are you talking.

[Andy]

These are the grind influencers.

[Mike]

Stop it. We aren't supposed to do this.

[Jason]

So happy. This is not in my mike.

[Mike]

My guy, my guy. We aren't supposed to do. We are not supposed to work. I know that humans, historically, we have. We have worked this hard. We aren't supposed to do you like. I love people like lions, not sheep. You know what lions do the vast majority of the day?

[Andy]

They lay out.

[Mike]

They lay in the shade and they go to sleep until they're like, ah, crap, we gotta find some food. And then a few of them go out and they go get. They go get a zebra. And they eat, and they're like, oh, man, I am bush. Because animals are not supposed to work 18 hours a day. We are not supposed to do this.

[Andy]

It's a bit of an American luxury item. It's so degrind set.

[Mike]

You know, it's like awful and cringy. And you people, when you die, all great work, great work. All that money. What are you, a pharaoh? You're going to be in a freaking pyramid and you're going to be buried with all your gold.

[Andy]

This is a great draft, man.

[Mike]

Good for you. You are learning about it.

[Andy]

You did it.

[Mike]

You won. Your children hate you.

[Andy]

Honorable mention in my list. Wine.

[Mike]

Healthy living.

[Jason]

Yeah. Wine.

[Andy]

Wine.

[Mike]

Oh, dude, why?

[Andy]

Symphony. Yeah, yeah. And salad.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And then artsy fartsy movies.

[Jason]

I've got art house movies.

[Andy]

Art house movies that I'm supposed to be like.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

IPAs.

[Andy]

I'm so glad that movie was four hours.

[Jason]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Mike]

We're gonna go Art house movies and.

[Jason]

IPAs, guys, there's the basic.

[Mike]

Why are you attacking me right now?

[Jason]

Yeah. I got 90% cacao dark chocolate. That's a great one because that's so tough to eat. Disgusting.

[Andy]

Too much.

[Mike]

I have pots.

[Jason]

And then my last one was potlucks.

[Mike]

What are we doing? Hey, everyone. Bring me the worst thing that you could possibly bring me right now.

[Andy]

And let's all mix instead of something.

[Mike]

One thing. Awesome. I'm gonna eat 10 things. Awful.

[Jason]

I'm gonna throw meditation on it.

[Mike]

Come on.

[Jason]

You pretending? Yeah, like I know. Okay, whatever.

[Andy]

I also had staying up too late.

[Jason]

See, I have going to bed too early.

[Mike]

What did we learn today?

[Jason]

I learned we're all the worst. Yeah. I learned we're the worst. I learned the best idea that might have ever come out of this show was Andy's idea that these children's concerts and choir events should be, like, staggered for parents. You come from 705 to 710. That's when you're like, let's put this into action, people.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

Yeah. Let's do it. And I. I'll be honest with you. I learned that Jason doesn't like black coffee. I swear, all these years, oh, I thought he really.

[Jason]

He drink it here all the time.

[Andy]

You put on his for me?

[Jason]

It's. I'm big. Oh, dude, I love it.

[Mike]

I mean, I learned I. I'm the worst. Yeah.

[Andy]

Well, we knew that we didn't need to be taught.

[Jason]

I learned that. That Mike's in laws better not listen to this. Oh, man.

[Mike]

Guess what? They won't. Goodbye, everybody.

[Jason]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense since the guys are up to. Check out spitballerspod.com.

[Andy]

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[Jason]

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[Andy]

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[Jason]

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[Andy]

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[Jason]

The McDonald's snack wrap is back. You brought it back. Ranch snack wrap. Spicy snack wrap. You broke the Internet for a snack? Snack wrap is back.