Episode Overview

Theme/Purpose:
This episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast features Andy, Mike, and Jason diving into two hilarious and relatable topics: "Would You Rather" questions and a spirited draft of "Things People Pretend to Like." The trio, all dads with a knack for comedic banter, explore everyday life’s ridiculousness and social conventions—confessing their real opinions about books, food, art, family, and more—with their trademark mix of playful roasting and earnest admissions.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Chaotic Scat Opening (01:30–02:35)

• Mike fumbles the podcast’s signature scat opening after unplugging his headphones.
  • “The confidence pre-show was like, ‘I got this. No worry.’ …And then you pulled your headphones out.” —Jason (01:58)
• The group riffs on viral challenges (the Whitney Houston Challenge) and sets the tone for a loose, giggly episode.

2. "Would You Rather?" Segment (04:58–25:00)

Books vs. Restaurant Food Dilemma (05:02–21:12)

• "Would you rather read two books per week (min. 250 pages, no audiobooks) or only eat restaurant food six times per year?"

• Genuine, hilarious struggle as all three confess to rarely reading physical books.

  • “My story is I told my wife… one book per month. I made it to one book.” —Mike (05:52)
  • Andy’s sister read 100 books in 2024, impressing and intimidating the group (06:06).

• They bicker about what counts as “restaurant food” and realize how heavily they rely on takeout.

  • “75% of my meals are from a restaurant!” —Jason (10:16)

• Discuss how technology (ChatGPT) has made traditional book reports and literary discipline almost obsolete.

  • “I chatgpt the monologue and the character… told me every freaking thing I needed to know…without reading the script.” —Jason (20:04)

• Ultimately, none of them willingly give up restaurants; they admit defeat as readers.

Song Placement in Movies: Opening or Closing Scene? (21:31–25:00)

• Would you rather have your song in a blockbuster’s opening or closing scene?
• All three vote for the “opening” as more iconic.
  • “Name one final scene, great music…it was only in the final scene.” —Jason (22:46)
• They debate famous examples and joke about a cappella movie themes.

Sweat Preferences (25:31–29:12)

• Would you rather sweat twice as much, sweat twice as fast, or smell twice as bad?
• The group quickly eliminates “smell.”
  • “Once you cross the threshold from not bad to bad… It’s disgusting." —Jason (28:02)
• Derail into banter about spousal hygiene, culminating in a running joke about “the worst your wife has ever smelled.”

3. "What's the Difference?" Segment (32:11–44:41)

Squish vs. Smash vs. Crush (32:25–37:45)

• The gang debates the subtle linguistic and tactile differences.
  • “Squish is about the texture… squish could go between fingers, between toes. Squish doesn’t crumble.” —Jason (32:50)
  • Smashing is reserved for “anger,” and crushing is the “heaviest” action.

Concert vs. Performance vs. Recital (37:59–44:41)

• Recital: universally dreaded, lowest form, always amateur.
  • “There’s no professional recital.” —Andy (38:51)
• The group gripes about school events, proposing walk-in/walk-out recitals where you only see your own kid.
  • “If there is a person that says they like their kids’ recital, you’re a liar.” —Andy (38:36)

4. Spitballers Draft: "Things People Pretend to Like" (47:00–75:18)

The heart of the episode—each host drafts things people fake-enthusiasm for.

Mike’s Picks

1. Other People’s Kids (47:15)
   • “I barely like my own kids. You think I like your kids?” —Mike (47:49)
2. Brunch (61:41)
   • “What is brunch? What are we doing?” —Mike (61:47)
3. Art (63:48)
   • “I’m sorry… I don’t get it, man.” —Mike (63:54)
4. Grind Set Hustle Culture (75:05)
   • “We aren’t supposed to work 18 hours a day… You did it. Your children hate you.” —Mike (77:09)

Jason’s Picks

1. Medium Rare Steaks (50:02)
   • “People pretend to love… medium rare. You have to order medium rare… but it’s not as good as medium.” —Jason (51:08)
2. Oysters (59:37)
   • “You are objectively… slurping snot.” —Jason (60:50)
3. Black Coffee (68:13)
   • “No one likes black coffee.” —Jason (69:04)
4. High Fashion Runway/Art Shows (73:36)
   • “You’re wearing a garbage triangle. What are we doing? It’s not clothes—it’s just nonsense.” —Jason (74:13)

Andy’s Picks

1. In-Laws (54:21)
   • “There’s nothing like the social awkwardness of loving everyone related to your spouse." —Andy (55:36)
2. Dressing Up (56:38)
   • “Dressing up means I spend more to be less comfortable." —Andy (57:03)
3. Cats (69:14)
   • “There’s nothing redeemable about a cat. The cats don’t even like you.” —Andy (69:17)
4. Deep Tissue Massages (70:50)
   • “You walk out and they’re like, ‘How was it?’ And you have to be like, ‘It was great.’” —Andy (73:22)

Honorable Mentions & Memorable Moments

• Wine, Salad, Art House Movies, IPAs, Potlucks, Meditation, Staying Up Too Late
  • “I’m so glad that movie was four hours.” —Andy, roasting art house films (77:54)
  • “Potlucks—hey, bring me the worst thing you could possibly bring me right now.” —Mike (78:15)
  • “90% cacao dark chocolate. That’s so tough to eat. Disgusting.” —Jason (78:02)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Social Pretenses:

  • “When I thumbs up your post about your kids, it means I’m thumbs upping you. I’m like, ‘Dude, you’re alive. You’re doing it man.’” —Mike (48:45)

• On Kids’ Events:

  • “We need to fix this.” —Jason, on choir/band events for parents (44:39)

• On Black Coffee:

  • “I could buy a motorcycle. It’s so bitter.” —Andy (68:50)
  • “No one likes black coffee.” —Jason (69:04)

• On Deep Tissue Massages:

  • “I want to lay on the bed and be like, ‘I’m tough. Don’t make a noise.’” —Jason (71:18)
  • “If you’re getting a massage and you can’t fall asleep…it’s not a massage.” —Mike (72:55)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:30 – Scat Opening Fumble
• 04:58 – Would You Rather
• 05:02–21:12 – Books vs. Restaurant Food
• 21:31 – Song Placement: Movie Openings vs. Closings
• 25:31 – Sweat Question
• 32:11 – What's the Difference?
• 37:59 – Concert vs. Performance vs. Recital
• 44:48 – Pre-Draft Banter
• 47:00 – “Things People Pretend to Like” Draft Begins
• 54:21 – Andy’s “In-Laws” Pick
• 56:38 – Andy’s “Dressing Up” Pick
• 59:37 – Jason’s “Oysters” Pick
• 61:41 – Mike’s “Brunch” Pick
• 63:48 – Mike’s “Art” Pick
• 68:13 – Jason’s “Black Coffee” Pick
• 69:14 – Andy’s “Cats” Pick
• 70:50 – Andy’s “Deep Tissue Massages” Pick
• 73:36 – Jason’s “High Fashion Runway” Pick
• 75:05 – Mike’s “Grind Set” Influencer Pick

Tone & Takeaways

• Tone: Warm, sardonic, unapologetically honest, with plenty of self-deprecating humor.
• Takeaway: The recurring punchline: we all fake enthusiasm for a lot of things just to fit in—and the Spitballers are more than happy to call themselves (and everyone else) out for it.

In the words of Mike:
“I barely like my own kids. You think I like your kids?” (47:49)

And as Andy closes the topic:
“Well, we knew that. We didn’t need to be taught.” (79:21)