Croc Talk & The Most Annoying Sounds - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

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Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Croc Talk & The Most Annoying Sounds – Spit Hits!

Air Date: February 19, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike & Jason

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Episode Overview

In this episode, the Spitballers dive headfirst into a barrel of animal chaos and bizarre human behavior, anchored by their signature “would you rather” questions and an uproarious draft of the most annoying sounds in the world. Crocodiles, alligators, traffic, late arrivals, and animal scams are all up for comedic dissection as Andy, Mike, and Jason make the mundane hilarious and the ridiculous relatable.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter: Donkey Dumps & Neighborhood Boonies

• The guys riff on outrageous things turning up in yards—specifically, an actual donkey dump in “Owl’s” front yard.
• Casual mockery about living “in the boonies,” where wild donkeys and, apparently, enormous piles of dung are part of daily life.
• [02:26] Andy: “They take huge dumps, too.”
• Lively debate on desert neighborhoods, outlet malls, and enduring local wildlife.

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2. Would You Rather: No Sense of Time or Speed While Driving?

Main Dilemma:

• Would you rather, while driving, have no ability to know the current time or your current speed?
• The Spitballers weigh the pros and cons, admitting some dependence on clocks and obsessively checking ETAs.

Notable Quotes:

• [05:36] Jason: “If I had to guess it at all times, do you feel like you’d be within a few miles?”
• [05:39] Andy: “I’d be shocked if any of us who have driven for half our lives would not be within 5 on any of our guesses…”
• Discussion reveals a generational anxiety about lateness, with Andy venting about always being on the clock due to family obligations.

Relatable Dad Moments:

• Andy details a traumatic driving lesson with his son, complicated by his own digestive emergencies.
  • [07:17] Jason: “All because you couldn’t control your bowels.”

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3. Lateness: Who’s to Blame?

• The trio commiserates on the never-ending guilt of being late—even when circumstances are beyond control; society still blames you.
• [13:01] Jason: “We all hold everyone accountable for being late. Is that wrong?”
• Example: A sports coach was just five minutes late, and parents were fuming, despite a valid freeway construction excuse.

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4. Animal Mayhem: Alligator or Shark Bite?

Would You Rather:

• Non-lethal bite from an alligator or a shark?
• Immediate reactions: alligator sounds less terrifying at first, but the conversation quickly turns as they analyze bite strength, scar pattern, and even “coolness” of shark wounds.

Quotes:

• [15:05] Mike: “There’s one shark. I don’t care how connected they are in their animal kingdoms, we should have another name. There’s one shark.”
• [16:38] Jason: “It’s a cool pattern.” (on getting bitten by a shark for the scar)

Fun Facts & Myths:

• The group navigates folk wisdom and Wikipedia-level facts about alligator vs. crocodile jaw motion (spoiler: both jaws move).
• Saltwater crocodiles are dubbed modern-day dinosaurs.
  • [20:30] Andy: “They are dinosaurs. They’re humongous.”

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5. Andy’s Ocean Woes: When Swimsuits Attack

• Andy recounts a harrowing beach day where new swim trunks + salty ocean water = unspeakable chafing in "both areas of private areas."
  • [22:11] Andy: “Both areas of private areas is how I would describe it.”
• Result: A painful, Vaseline-filled walk of shame and a lesson on the dangers lurking in comfy-looking swimwear.

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6. Is This Real Life?

“Unbelievable, but true” news stories:

• A. Florida’s Unsubtle Drug Bag
  • Florida woman arrested for carrying drugs in a bag labeled “Definitely not a bag full of drugs.”
    • [32:09] Andy: “Was it drugs?”
• B. Insurance Fraud – By Bear Costume
  • Group caught submitting claims showing “bear damage” to luxury cars, but it turns out to be a person in a bear costume.
    • [34:18] Mike: “What’s going on with the bears?”
    • [35:36] Andy: “They found the bear costume.”
• C. "Bear Actors" in Zoos
  • Chinese zoo accused of hiring people to wear bear costumes and pose as animals for visitors.
    • [37:14] Jason: “Chinese zoo denies their bear is a guy in a bear suit.”
• D. The Dumpster Rescue
  • Phoenix garbage truck driver saves a woman found inside the truck after hearing her knocking—no explanation given for how she ended up there, with company “strongly discouraging” the practice.
    • [39:31] Jason: “The company strongly discourages people from doing so.”

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7. Croc Talk Deep Dive

• The crew’s fascination with crocodilians reaches new heights with Google-fueled amazement:
  • Speed: Crocodiles can run faster than humans.
  • Abilities: Crocs can, in fact, climb trees—upending everything Andy thought he knew.
  • Adaptive Survival: Crocs “hibernate” in freezing water by sticking their nostrils into the ice, slowing their heart rate to 4 beats per minute.
    • [30:45] Jason: “Their heart rate slows to four beats a minute.”
• Notable Reactions:
  • [32:01] Mike: “Why can they climb? Monsters have superpowers.”
  • [66:35] Mike: “They do seem like an apex predator when you look at all the things that they can do.”

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8. Spitballers Draft: Most Annoying Sounds

(Starts [41:58])
A classic, light-hearted Spitballers draft. Picks include:

• Jason #1: Nails on chalkboard – “It genuinely, like, causes people physical discomfort.”
• Mike: Modified car mufflers – “If you are one of those people, you’re bad. You’re a bad person.”
• Andy: Crying baby (public places/plane) – “You can have both empathy for that person and hate the sound.”
• Jason: Smoke detector chirp – Admits he once lived through a full year with it in his bedroom.
• Mike: Chewing (especially mouth open/gum smacking) – “It is the worst sound that can be made.”
• Jason: Car alarm – “Are we not evolving past the car alarm phase of our society?”
• Jason: Snoring (“All it takes is a nudge… but I can’t sleep during a snore. It’s impossible.”)
• Mike: Beginner violin – “It sounds like death. It sounds like a creature may be suffering.”
• Andy: Teeth on a fork – “It’s visceral. I’m not out there judging you. If it happens near me, my body knows it.”
• Andy: Alarm clock – “The PTSD that comes from an alarm clock…”
• Mike: Low-health beeping in video games – “I am aware I’m about to get my life back.”
• Jason: Microphone feedback – “If you’ve ever been around one where they really couldn’t get it under control… pretty intense.”

Honorable Mentions

• Mosquito buzzing in ear
• Dogs barking at night
• Styrofoam rubbing
• Fork on a plate
• Buzzing light bulbs
• Constant cougher

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Crocodiles:
  • [26:49] Jason: “Saltwater crocodiles are the largest living reptiles and could grow to 23ft long.”
• On Shame in Animal Escape:
  • [28:48] Mike: “There would be an amount of shame with it.” (being chased down by a crocodile)
• On Unlabeled Bear Costumes:
  • [35:50] Andy: “They actually found it in a bag that said, ‘this is definitely not a bear costume.’”

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What Did We Learn Today? (Closing)

A Spitballers classic “what did we learn” segment, summing up the episode’s revelations:

• Crocodiles are even scarier than previously imagined (tree climbing, endurance, adaptability).
• Car alarms and other “safety” measures might just be making life worse.
• Most importantly: No one escapes the haunting annoyance of a smoke detector’s chirp, and everyone hates crying babies on airplanes.

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Episode Highlights with Timestamps

• Donkey Dump/Neighborhood Banter: [02:23]
• Would You Rather (Speed vs. Time): [04:31]
• Late Arrivals & Accountability: [12:20]
• Alligator vs. Shark Bite: [14:23]
• Crocodile/Jaw Differences & Saltwater Crocs: [16:33] – [20:40], [26:46]
• Andy’s Swimsuit Fiasco: [22:23]
• Is This Real Life News: [31:24]
  • Florida Drug Bag: [31:33]
  • Bear Costume Fraud: [33:02]
  • Human Bears in Zoos: [36:38]
  • Dumpster Rescue: [37:46]
• Crocodile Superpowers/Croc Climbing Trees: [29:32]
• Spitballers Draft – Most Annoying Sounds: [41:56] – [66:21]
• What Did We Learn: [66:29]

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Final Thoughts

A laughter-packed episode mixing savage animal trivia, dad anxieties, and observational comedy about the world’s most irritating sounds. Crocodiles could outmatch us in every way, but we’re still undone by a plastic smoke detector or an out-of-tune violin. If you need to laugh at life’s absurdities, this episode is a must.

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Transcript

[Mike]

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[Announcer]

We've all been there.

[Jason]

You hold onto a coupon, hoping to cash it in at the store, but then you forget about it and suddenly you've got a mountain of useless expired coupons.

[Andy]

Do you think this one's still good? Free milk?

[Mike]

Oh, mate, that expired in 1993.

[Announcer]

Dang it.

[Jason]

Fortunately, there are better ways to save money. Like by switching to Geico. You could save about $900 on car.

[Mike]

Insurance without ever touching a coupon. Ooh, how about this one? Half off floppy disks.

[Jason]

Now you should try a bit of spring cleaning.

[Andy]

It feels good to save big.

[Mike]

It feels good to Geico.

[Andy]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Mike]

He. Aw.

[Andy]

What? What?

[Mike]

There it is. Oh, there it is.

[Jason]

I got the layup today, boys.

[Mike]

There it was.

[Andy]

You were a real donkey there.

[Mike]

It's the last skat.

[Andy]

I. Oh, is that. Well, that's great news.

[Mike]

I think he just killed it.

[Jason]

I felt like I got the layup. Cause today on the show, our draft is the most annoying sounds. So I feel like I had a quick pathway to.

[Mike]

How dare you say that about our mule friends.

[Jason]

Our mule friends? Yeah. I mean, I didn't know what sound I was going to make. Apparently I went to he.

[Andy]

At least you went for it. The sound effect was full go.

[Jason]

Yeah, you know, we're drafting the most annoying sounds. I wanted to set the table, and I think I did. We have.

[Andy]

I'm seeing the owl is updating us that he had a donkey take a dump in his front yard last night.

[Mike]

Of course he did.

[Andy]

He lives in.

[Mike]

There's wild donkeys out there.

[Andy]

They take huge dumps, too.

[Jason]

What? Did you watch it like you saw it happen live or you. I got to go to my car.

[Andy]

This morning and found a big pile.

[Jason]

That was me.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, that was me. He's been in bulk season.

[Jason]

I haven't gone in a while, and I came by your house and thought I'd leave you a little treat.

[Mike]

Like, he's going to think this is a donkey.

[Andy]

That's just crazy for people listening. They're like, where does Owl live right where you can just wake up. And it was like, that's a donkey dump right in my front yard.

[Jason]

He lives in a neighborhood. That's the shocking thing.

[Andy]

I can drive to my house from here faster than you can get to yours.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

But you want to know what I don't have on my front yard? Donkey dumps. So I'm just saying, I'm not out in the boonies anywhere.

[Jason]

Right?

[Mike]

It's the boonies, but there's a freeway that's a direct shot there. Cause that freeway needs to connect us to our friends to the north of Arizona. And then you guys were like, what if we just. What if we're like, right in the middle of the desert?

[Jason]

Fun fact. Al also ran over 10 families of Avelina once.

[Andy]

That's true. That's true. Because he lives in the middle of the desert. You know, look, everybody listening. You've been on a road trip before. You've gone between major cities where there's nothing for hours, and then every now and then, there's an outlet mall. You know what I mean? Like, you just like, oh, there's all these shops that are supposed to be way cheaper. People could drive hours. So once upon a time, where Al lives, there was an outlet mall there. And then they decided to put some houses by it.

[Jason]

But they did not move out the donkeys.

[Andy]

No, they kept.

[Jason]

You have to. You have to herd the donkeys out before you build a neighborhood.

[Andy]

Oh, man, I love making fun of.

[Mike]

Where owls are like an infestation.

[Jason]

See, aren't you happy that I.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

Now I'm thrilled about the donkey start. Would you rather. Is this real life? And we're drafting the most annoying sounds on today's episode of this Pit Ballers. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for following the show, leaving your reviews some easy ways you can help support this independent podcast. We appreciate you. Let's kick it off.

[Andy]

Would you rather.

[Jason]

All right, we have a would you rather question coming in from our Patreon page. That darling kid says, when driving, would you rather have no ability to know the current time or no ability to know your current speed? And there's no loopholes, no autopilot, so you can't know your speed or you cannot know the time.

[Andy]

Okay, so obviously both are important when you're traveling to a destination. I mean, sometimes time doesn't matter because you're just going to the grocery store or whatever. It doesn't matter what time you get there. But a lot of times you're going to work. Got to be there by 8. You're going to, you know, the school play. Got to be there by 6, 45 or whatever. So that's important. And obviously speed limit is important. You don't want to get pulled over. You don't want to be driving poorly.

[Jason]

Let me. Let me start the question, Mike, with how in tune at this point in time are you with your speed on the road? Like how? Like, if you had to guess it at all times, do you feel like you'd be within a few miles?

[Mike]

I think I could be within four.

[Jason]

I feel like I could, too.

[Andy]

I would be shocked if any of us who have driven for half of our lives would not be within 5 on any of our guesses at any time.

[Jason]

Yeah. So we're pretty like, not knowing your speed. If it comes down to five mile an hour difference in either direction is irrelevant.

[Mike]

No. Because if you're going 50 in a 45 and you're like, I. You're like, no, I'm. I'm going a certain amount, how would it be?

[Jason]

It wouldn't bother me at all.

[Andy]

So you're, what, you're saying you think you're going 46 in a 40 and you're off by 5 and you're actually going 51?

[Mike]

Yeah, that's a problem. You'll get pulled over, but that means.

[Jason]

You'Re off by more than five because you were trying to go 40?

[Andy]

No, he was trying to go 46 and a 40. So he was off by five. He was 51.

[Jason]

I didn't think I was. Why were you trying to go 46 and a 40? That's your problem to begin with.

[Andy]

What are you talking. What are you driving a 40 if.

[Jason]

I didn't know the speed?

[Andy]

What do you drive right now?

[Jason]

No, no, no. Let me just answer the question. If I didn't know because I couldn't read it, I would always try to go the exact speed limit. That's what my point was. That makes sense then. At worst, I'm off 5 in either direction. I cannot get a ticket.

[Andy]

I have taught my children that going the exact speed limit is a danger because it is dangerous. All the cars around you are driving faster than you and needing to overtake you.

[Jason]

So I would feel safe to speed up then if I had a bunch of cars going fast.

[Andy]

Yeah, I mean, I guess. Really?

[Jason]

By the way, I did confirm with your family that your little scenario with your son learning to drive was as traumatizing as you described on this. On this podcast.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

Has he driven since Then he has.

[Andy]

Driven, but I have to make him drive. Now he doesn't. And every time it's like you.

[Jason]

All because you couldn't control your bells.

[Andy]

Yeah. I would say mostly because I couldn't control my bowels.

[Jason]

There was progressively more desperate as the drive went along. And then it became more intense for him.

[Andy]

At least 10% is my decision to have him drive. When I knew this could be a situation where I got to speed up. That part was on me.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

The others were on my bowels. But yeah, I mean. And then I do check the clock a lot because we're a family five with a lot of obligations. So it is common and frequent that we are running late.

[Jason]

I guess. I guess what I. Yeah, but that's.

[Mike]

Not the clock's fault.

[Jason]

Here's what's funny about the clock part of the question. You cannot really do anything about it.

[Andy]

I don't know if I see that. It looks like I'm, you know, it's.

[Jason]

It's like a margin.

[Andy]

I'm 10 minutes away and it. And I'm. And it's. I'm going to be two minutes late.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Yeah, that gas pedal gets a little heavy.

[Jason]

Yesterday I was 20 miles away from someplace and my ETA said I would be there three minutes late. I tried my best to get there on time. I got there 12 minutes late.

[Andy]

Oh, you didn't try your best then?

[Mike]

Because when you actually break down the truth about going that fast and how much time you're actually making up, it's fractions.

[Jason]

It is not a lot.

[Andy]

You guys don't go fast enough. No, I'm telling you, I shave off five minutes of every ETA I've ever.

[Jason]

Driven in my life. Not surface streets. You're dependent on other cars.

[Andy]

No, no, not on surface streets.

[Jason]

Freeway driving. I agree. You can improve your time.

[Andy]

You can.

[Jason]

And lower your odds of survival.

[Mike]

But yeah. Yeah. The amount of that you are. The amount of trouble and peril that you are bringing into the world versus saving five minutes. Leave five minutes earlier.

[Jason]

Well, that is. Yeah. I do like being early like you guys are. Are you early people? Are you late people?

[Andy]

We're usually 10 minutes early people.

[Jason]

I am.

[Mike]

I am.

[Jason]

You with your family is not an early person.

[Mike]

I am an on time, early person. No, you guys should like having worked with me for long enough. You know, I am an on time person. My family, not so much.

[Jason]

So then, are you in panic? Is it painful? It must be excruciating.

[Mike]

No, it is the worst.

[Andy]

I can relate a lot because I do not like being late to places. It is the worst. It's an indictment on you. Yes. It didn't matter enough or whatever. And it's like, usually it goes something like this. Like, finish your hair already, you know, like in the house. Like just it's. I think, I mean, look, it's not.

[Mike]

Too many of those now I just sit.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Quiet and be like.

[Jason]

And I go.

[Mike]

We really need to go.

[Andy]

What?

[Mike]

I really need to go. And then you put the GPS and you're like. And we're 15 minutes late.

[Andy]

My usual, my usual family. You know, if, if, if the girl side of my family is involved, we are going to put that GPS in and we are going to be 10 minutes late and we will arrive five minutes early. My man. Let's go.

[Mike]

Not making up 15 minutes.

[Andy]

That's a slight exaggeration. But not as massive as you believe.

[Mike]

Yes, 15. You can't make up 15 minutes. Oh, man. How many miles away would you have to.

[Andy]

Most. Most.

[Mike]

That has to be like a 50 mile trip.

[Andy]

Most of our trips are like, you know, 30 to 40, 30 minutes to an hour. Like I don't go anywhere nearby with the kids. Everything is far enough.

[Mike]

30 minute time, he's gonna make up half of it.

[Andy]

Well, no, that's what I said, that's, that's exaggerate even an hour trip.

[Mike]

You're not making a 15. Well, you know.

[Andy]

Yes. No, you are.

[Jason]

No, on the freeway you go like 75. So he's going 150 to make up half the time.

[Mike]

Yeah, exactly.

[Andy]

The math checks out.

[Jason]

I will take rules of physics. I will take not knowing my speed because if there is variability anyways. Where the speed of traffic matters more than the number. Exactly. And my experience in driving, I'm definitely, I feel like I'm going to get where I need to go, how fast I need to go all the time and I'd like to know the time.

[Andy]

I really like shaving numbers off, so I enjoy the time. I look at the time a lot more than the speed limit.

[Mike]

So clearly I'm going, I want, I'm going to know my speed because like for time it's. Yeah. When you get in the car. Oh, I'm going to check now. I'm obsessing over it. But as long as you, you either leave on time and you get there on time or you, or you leave on time and you end up waiting. Yeah, I mean, no, I left 15 minutes early earlier than I was supposed to.

[Andy]

You do know what time it is when you get in the Car. The clock is really, I mean, every, all of us should be taking. We should know the speed limit and not take the time.

[Mike]

That's why I did.

[Jason]

Can I go to a follow up question around lateness?

[Andy]

Yeah, we will allow it.

[Jason]

Here's the thing. I always want to be early. My family gets annoyed sometimes because, I don't know, we get there five minutes early and that's annoying for them to wait the five minutes for something to start.

[Andy]

Oh, my God.

[Jason]

I don't understand why, but that is, that's the way it works. But I don't feel like anybody doesn't hold somebody accountable for being late, no matter what the circumstance. Like, if you leave early and you run into bad traffic, you might get there on time. If you leave at the exact time you need to leave and you run into traffic, you're late. And when you show up late, I feel like 100% of people are like, it's your fault. Even if it wasn't your fault. Even if an accident happens and it truly really wasn't your fault, I feel.

[Andy]

Like you should have left earlier.

[Jason]

We all hold everyone accountable for being late. Is that wrong?

[Andy]

I think that it is wrong that everyone does do that. It is not wrong that it flows like everyone does. And I think maybe that's. That's inside ourself.

[Mike]

It really is. Because you're like, how dare you do this to me yesterday? How dare you be five minutes late for my time?

[Jason]

I bring it up because yesterday my son started another sports program and we were. All the kids were there and the coach was five minutes late to show up.

[Andy]

Oh, you can't be. The coach can't be late.

[Jason]

Coach lives over an hour away. There's construction on the freeway. They make it within five minutes. Every parent was furious for five minutes.

[Andy]

Yeah, because you're paying money. Yeah, I'm doing this thing.

[Mike]

Did he go five over that?

[Jason]

I don't know.

[Mike]

That's everything.

[Jason]

We got to track the coaches. Got it.

[Mike]

If you show up five minutes late and you're like, I'm so sorry. This yada. Okay, give me my five minutes on the back end and everything's fine.

[Andy]

If you're in charge, it makes a big difference. If you're an employee and you show up five minutes late, that is not good. That is bad. If you're the pastor at a wedding and you're there. Yeah. But if you're the manager who has to unlock the building for all the other employees who got there and you show up late, that's straight bush League.

[Jason]

All the apologies don't seem to matter.

[Andy]

No, they don't matter.

[Jason]

This is a good follow up question. Perfectly in sync. Jackson from the website. Would you rather take a non lethal bite by an alligator or a shark?

[Mike]

Okay, who's got feels easy? Who's got more teeth?

[Jason]

What's your default quick reaction?

[Andy]

My quick reaction is definitely the alligator. Alligator.

[Mike]

That alligator is my quick response because.

[Andy]

Size of alligators versus size of sharks. I mean, I guess I'm seeing a great white.

[Mike]

I'm going great white shark. There's.

[Andy]

Because that's what everyone sees. Okay.

[Mike]

Other sharks.

[Jason]

But it's non. Lethal.

[Mike]

Other sharks, those. Hold on. Other shark. Stop it, stop it.

[Jason]

What about the tiger shark?

[Andy]

No, yeah, it's not a shark.

[Mike]

There is. There is.

[Jason]

They kill people all the time.

[Mike]

There's the great.

[Andy]

Not like a great white.

[Mike]

It's a real big fish.

[Jason]

Get out of here.

[Mike]

There's one shark. I don't care how connected they are in their animals kingdoms, we should have another name. There's one shark. There is one shark.

[Jason]

Do you just call it a shark?

[Andy]

Yes, a shark. Great white shark is the shark.

[Mike]

Because if, if we're in the water and I go, oh, dude, there's a shark.

[Jason]

That's what you're thinking.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

100%.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You're not like, oh, that's a good brown shark.

[Mike]

I could be like, I could be. Because there's tiny little sharks that do nothing. But it's a trick, it's a trap. When you say, oh, there's a shark over there.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

You should react swiftly and get out of there. Because there's only one shark.

[Jason]

When I by default think of a bite from both of those animals. The bite from the shark is like the bite of a sandwich. The meat is coming out, it's all gone. He's swallowing some of my body.

[Andy]

I will say this, I will say this. My vote would change to getting the shark bite if. Because it's non. Lethal. Okay. So let's just say this, here's how the bite works. The mouth comes and it closes on your body. You get to even pick the spot. Whatever leg, belly, chest, you know, you can pick it. It clamps down and then releases. Yes. So it does not clamp all the way down. It doesn't take the chunk out because pretty much that's how you're going to die. This is non lethal. So the teeth go in and then come out. That's when you got to pick shark. Because the cool leftover like, oh, if.

[Jason]

You had to show a Bit.

[Andy]

If you had to show the pattern of a shark bite. Looks.

[Jason]

It's a cool pattern.

[Andy]

That's the sandwich pattern. You know, you got like a look at this chunk. And the alligator is like, what is that? It's a long, narrow.

[Jason]

Like, I could get a shark. I should get a tattoo that looks like I've been bit by a shark.

[Andy]

Oh, until that's. I want. I'll bet someone's done that.

[Jason]

I bet you. That's a good point. The shape of the scar, because you've survived it. The alligator, though. When you think about getting bit by an alligator, you know you're getting spun into oblivion.

[Mike]

I'm not counting.

[Jason]

So I think I'm getting a broken bone.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I'm getting a dislocated shoulder.

[Mike]

The alligator's bite is stronger. It's got the psi or however.

[Jason]

I doubt it.

[Andy]

I doubt it.

[Jason]

I doubt it.

[Mike]

I'm going gator on that one.

[Andy]

No way.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

If a gator's bite was as strong as a shark bite, it would. Then it would take the arm off.

[Andy]

Who has more?

[Jason]

It would take all the meat out. Like, if a gator bit my thigh and a shark bit my thigh, wouldn't the higher psi take the chunk of.

[Andy]

Is it really psi before I asked this question?

[Mike]

I'm pretty sure it is, yes.

[Andy]

Okay. All right.

[Jason]

Pounds per square inch.

[Mike]

You're measuring pressure. No, I think it's the gator and it's the alligator. Oh, what?

[Andy]

Yeah, see, now, did you say shark or did you say great white? Because that's the conversation.

[Mike]

Well, there's only one shark.

[Andy]

Yeah, but I don't know if Jeremy's on board.

[Mike]

Did you know there's only one shark?

[Jason]

I did know that, but I did this.

[Andy]

A great white has a stronger bite. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. A great white has a stronger bite than an alligator. In terms. Now, if you just say a shark, sure. There's little ones that can nibble on you and you laugh and you take them off and you throw them back in the water.

[Jason]

Is there any way that you would know? Like, you'd have the wisdom. If someone's like, you're getting bit by an alligator or a crocodile. Which one do you want? Is there any way that we would know which one?

[Andy]

Impossible. No.

[Mike]

One of them's got a pointy nose, but they both.

[Andy]

So here's how I've always. This is how I genuinely think what the difference is. I don't think I ever heard this.

[Jason]

Oh, I can't wait for this.

[Andy]

I don't know that this is real.

[Mike]

But just over the course of your life.

[Andy]

Just over the course of my life. Pieced things together in the back of my mind.

[Mike]

Your own history.

[Andy]

Something tells me that one of those two, and I'm not sure which one, the jaw opens just upward.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And then the other one, both jaws open.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Andy]

Like the bottom and the top move apart.

[Mike]

Oh, I see what you're saying.

[Jason]

So you think one of them is just like that.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And the other one is like.

[Andy]

Yes, exactly.

[Jason]

I've never thought of that in my life.

[Mike]

That can't be true.

[Andy]

It's probably not.

[Mike]

I don't.

[Andy]

Like I said, I don't.

[Jason]

You don't know which.

[Andy]

No, of course not. I mean, I would say the stupider one is.

[Jason]

So one opens almost like a bear trap or something like that.

[Andy]

Yeah, it does. Like the bottom. The bottom lid just stays there.

[Mike]

The bottom row. The bottom row of the teeth, whatever mandible or whatever it is, that's what.

[Jason]

I want to be bit by for sure. Because I wouldn't get the double crunch.

[Andy]

Jeremy, why don't you look that up? Verify.

[Jason]

I think I know what he's gonna find, but we can give it a go.

[Andy]

Oh, I can't. If this is right, if somehow this is right, I'm gonna be.

[Jason]

I don't know how you search for it. Does an alligator or a crocodile have an immovable lower jaw?

[Andy]

So usually I go, I'm on it. I didn't say I'm on it because I didn't know how to search for that.

[Mike]

You just search up differences between alligator and crocodile.

[Andy]

Yeah, but I want.

[Mike]

If that is a difference, number one. That would be the number one difference.

[Jason]

That's fair. I don't know. Like, I know there's saltwater crocodiles. I don't think there's saltwater alligators. That's one thing I know.

[Mike]

Alligators are just.

[Andy]

Is a crocodile more like awesome than a alligator?

[Jason]

The saltwater crocodiles are humongous.

[Mike]

I think those crocodiles are scarier also.

[Jason]

Imagine being in the ocean.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

If you saw a shark, you'd be freaked out. Right. But you're like, it's a shark in the ocean.

[Mike]

This is where you live.

[Jason]

If you see a crocodile coming at.

[Andy]

You in the waves in the ocean, we're not talking on the beach.

[Jason]

We're talking about, is that a surfboard?

[Mike]

No, that would be so much worse.

[Andy]

Also, if you have never looked up a saltwater, you know, an ocean dwelling crocodile. They are dinosaurs.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

They're humongous. They are not like the rest of their species.

[Mike]

Gators, I think, are smaller.

[Andy]

They're the Megalodon of, you know, but they exist now.

[Mike]

Like, that was my great, great gosh.

[Andy]

They're huge.

[Jason]

They're so big.

[Mike]

Are they really that big? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

They don't look great.

[Mike]

Are they bigger than a shark?

[Andy]

No, not a real shark.

[Jason]

No.

[Mike]

If you.

[Jason]

If you fought them in a great arena, I think the shark's winning.

[Mike]

Well, if there's water, yes.

[Jason]

Yes. By the way, it doesn't seem like crocodiles and alligators have immovable lower jaws. It does say that alligators have a larger upper jaw than the lower jaw. So the alligators have an overbite.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

Crocodile teeth interlock, maybe.

[Andy]

That's what I was thinking. I could see that one is going over the teeth.

[Jason]

Yeah. The alligator.

[Andy]

And one is interlocking. Okay.

[Jason]

I just want to know.

[Andy]

We definitely want the one going over.

[Jason]

Was there one courageous crocodile that at one point in time was like that water over there with the salt in it. I'm going to go get in that water. And then it just grew larger and then the salt filled it and it grew and became a dinosaur.

[Mike]

And then the alligators were just like big babies. Like, I need gentle, soft.

[Jason]

Yeah, I've got an obrabite.

[Andy]

Isn't the saltwater the softer water?

[Mike]

No, not ocean, really.

[Jason]

It's too abrasive. It's not like a home soft water system.

[Andy]

Okay, that's kind of what I was thinking.

[Jason]

It's too abrasive.

[Andy]

But now I remember having both areas of private areas hurt by ocean water. So it's much rougher in the ocean.

[Mike]

Both areas of private areas is how I would describe it. Yeah.

[Andy]

I don't know if I've ever told that story. Oh, no.

[Mike]

Did you have chafing issues?

[Andy]

I had the. Have I never told this story on the Spitballers.

[Mike]

I don't.

[Jason]

Papa Josh lost a nipple in the ocean.

[Andy]

Now, were you owl? Was this on a trip with you? Yeah. Okay. So, you know, this experience, this was brutal. One of the worst experiences of my life.

[Jason]

Sounds like it.

[Andy]

So I went to the ocean on a San Diego trip with Al Borland's family delights. Wonderful. We go out in the ocean, we're having a good time. I got new swim trunks. And those swim trunks had an inner lining.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So the built in under.

[Andy]

The built in underpants. And so that's what I wore.

[Mike]

Old school meshy or new school?

[Andy]

I think it's new school. Cheese grater. So what ended up happening was horrific and unspeakable. On this podcast, the walk. The walk back. Cause we were staying, you know, you're staying on the beach in like an Airbnb that's on the beach. Except it's not on the beach. It's a block from the beach and there's a big walk up the beach. Once I reached the point of no return in one of my private areas.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

The walk back was the most brutal, uncomfortable, bent over thing that I just had to do for 2,000ft. And when I got to the Airbnb, the amount of.

[Jason]

Oh, no crying.

[Andy]

The amount of orders we had from the local Walgreens for Vaseline. Yes.

[Jason]

And bandages.

[Andy]

It was a trip ruiner. So, yeah, no, you're out on that. In hindsight, I think the ocean waters are much, much harsher than the soft, comfy.

[Mike]

At least you came out no infections. Right.

[Andy]

That is true. That is true. And now I'm all calloused up.

[Jason]

Exfoliated. Exfoliated. Okay. I think probably time for a break, Al.

[Andy]

Sounds good.

[Mike]

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[Andy]

Is this real life?

[Jason]

Well, this is the part of the show where we share real news stories.

[Andy]

Okay, here's real news from the last segment. Saltwater crocodiles are the largest living reptiles and could grow to 23ft long.

[Mike]

That is gigantic.

[Andy]

I mean, 23, 3ft long. That's. Think about how tall a basketball hoop is and then put another basketball hoop on top of it and it's still not tall enough.

[Mike]

Then it swims.

[Andy]

And then it swims.

[Jason]

If there was a secondary question, because this one was like, if you wanted to get bit by either one, but it's non lethal, so you survive it, you make that choice. If you told me, which one do you want to go and, like, guarantee your demise? I just want the quickest. Like you'd want the shark, right?

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Jason]

Like, if, you know, this is what will be the end.

[Mike]

No, no, I know what you're saying.

[Jason]

I guess the alligator might drown you.

[Andy]

The alligator's top speed is 18 miles per hour in the water. Alligator or crocodile, the saltwater croc that we're talking about, this monster, Great white's.

[Mike]

Got to go faster than that.

[Andy]

Sure. But a human's top speed, the high speed ever reached by a swimmer was five miles per hour.

[Mike]

That was. That's our.

[Jason]

That's our Michael Phelps.

[Mike]

Yeah, Michael Phelps was like five. Those people in the pool are only going five miles an hour.

[Andy]

David Holmes. Yeah, I mean, this is why it's, like, true. I mean, I think it is. Dave.

[Jason]

Great White's 35 miles an hour.

[Andy]

I'm just saying we're not, we're not surviving.

[Mike]

Yeah, because we're not supposed to be there.

[Andy]

That's true.

[Mike]

We're not supposed to be in there.

[Jason]

Problem is, you get to land that crocodile's chasing you down. There's no way that croc can't catch you on land.

[Mike]

Correct.

[Andy]

So can I, can I out walk an Olympic swimmer? Like if they're swimming and I'm walking. Power walking?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

If you have the hip shift and I'm just right next to him and we're like, he's at the side of the pool and I'm just walking. I am not jogging. Can I beat him?

[Jason]

I think so. I feel like it'd be embarrassing to get run down on land by a crocodile. And yet every crocodile runs faster than a human. Every one of them.

[Mike]

There would be an amount of shame with it.

[Jason]

You'd be like, because it looks like you should be able to get away. Little stubby stupid legs.

[Andy]

I feel like zigzags have to work on a croc.

[Mike]

I believe that is completely old wives tale. Oh, really?

[Jason]

What about climbing a tree?

[Andy]

That would work. Crocs cannot climb a tree. No.

[Jason]

Can they stand up on their tail?

[Andy]

Yeah. Well, not on the tail. They can climb up a little.

[Mike]

So quickly.

[Andy]

I was saying they can like, you know, take. Climb up the part of it they're just not getting off the ground.

[Jason]

All right, we are into.

[Mike]

Jump out of the water.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Using that tail.

[Jason]

We are into. Is this real life where we share real life stories that just don't seem like they should be real?

[Mike]

What are you watching a croc jump Now?

[Andy]

Crocodiles can climb trees. I was just about to post that. Wait. High end of the tree canopy. They're climbing full trees.

[Mike]

How are they climbing trees?

[Andy]

It makes no sense. I thought you said there were rules to physics, Mike.

[Announcer]

There are.

[Andy]

There are not. Crocodiles can climb into trees.

[Mike]

Crocodiles are monsters. We did say that.

[Jason]

I'm staring at a crocodile climbing a chain link fence.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh.

[Mike]

Why can. Why can they climb?

[Andy]

These are monsters. Monsters have superpowers.

[Jason]

Wow. Well, they do come from what, the Cretaceous?

[Mike]

What in the world?

[Andy]

I believe Hades.

[Jason]

Have you seen this is the crocodile episode. Have you seen what they do when they know that a lake or a river that they're in is going to freeze? Have you seen this?

[Andy]

I have no idea.

[Jason]

There's been some places, Florida recently where things have gotten really cold. There's been snow. So there's been some lagoons in areas where the water freezes. And you would imagine all the crocodiles are going to die if they're under the water. Right. Because they breathe air.

[Mike]

They're probably going to some hibernation.

[Jason]

They go and they poke just the ends of their noses up above the water, and it freezes around the end of their nostrils. So you look at the frozen lake, and there's just the nostrils of crocodiles all over it.

[Mike]

What?

[Jason]

And their heart rate slows to four beats a minute.

[Mike]

Can you imagine that nap?

[Jason]

That is a nap.

[Mike]

That's the best nap that anyone has ever experienced in their life.

[Andy]

There's gotta be a limit to how long they can stay.

[Mike]

Not if your heart's down at four beats a minute.

[Jason]

Yes, four beats a minute.

[Mike]

It's like hibernation psi.

[Andy]

Four beats per hour.

[Mike]

Did you be elite?

[Andy]

Yeah. Every 15 minutes, boom.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's crazy. Crocodiles are wild. I think I want one.

[Mike]

I don't think you do.

[Andy]

I don't think you do.

[Mike]

I don't think you. Don't mess with that.

[Jason]

Okay?

[Mike]

You don't need it. Speaking of Florida, I'll go first because mine's pretty short and sweet.

[Jason]

Alligators can climb trees.

[Mike]

A Florida woman was arrested because she got pulled over, and the police noticed her bag, her purse of some kind in the car. In the car?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

That's probable car.

[Mike]

And, you know, like, they put things like some phrases sometimes on a purse. Well, this thing said, definitely not a bag full of drugs.

[Jason]

On the purse.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's what it said on the bag. And I have. You can never guess what's inside of this bag, guys.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

I'll give you a guess.

[Andy]

Was it drugs?

[Mike]

It was, in fact drugs.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jason]

Was this, like, an Etsy purse?

[Mike]

Somebody, like, I don't know. But this person thought, well, I'll be real clever. Even if they pull me over, there's no way they're gonna look in this bag that says, definitely not a bag full of drugs.

[Jason]

That's a little crafty.

[Andy]

It's crafty, but it's didn't work.

[Jason]

No, it didn't work.

[Andy]

Not only did it not work, you couldn't possibly expect it to work. Like, if you're like, you can get that bag. If you're not putting drugs in it, then it's funny. You get pulled over, and they're like, let me see that bag. And they open it up.

[Jason]

Bubble gum.

[Andy]

I try to tell you it's definitely not a bag full of drugs.

[Jason]

So don't write down on a murder weapon.

[Andy]

But if you definitely not the murder, don't test this weapon for blood. It's like that. That's insane. That is a stupid person. Yeah, I got another stupid person.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

And it has to deal also with animals. Not quite as great as crocodiles But a superior animal, a bear.

[Mike]

I don't know, man.

[Andy]

Pretty team cross right now this article is. They told insurers a bear damaged their car, but it was actually a person in a bear costume.

[Jason]

Oh, they did it.

[Mike]

They did it.

[Andy]

Not only did they do it, they've done it several times.

[Mike]

They went insurance fraud.

[Andy]

They did insurance fraud. It was a group of four people who have been charged. The alleged scam cost three insurance companies a total of $141,000. This is. You have no idea how right you are.

[Jason]

Was it when the crowbar. Crowbar was in the hands of the bear?

[Andy]

Here's what is so funny about it. The way that this, the way that this whole situation came up. It was clear insurance fraud to try to make six figures worth of money. This was a Rolls Royce, an old car, but they had done it to several other cars, which is what flagged them. They, they did a Mercedes GT63.

[Mike]

What's going on with the bears?

[Andy]

You know, a Mercedes, they only hit.

[Jason]

The high end cars.

[Andy]

And you know, these people lived in an area where it was known for bears around there. And they had video evidence of the bear going in the car and scratching up, tearing up the inside of the car. The video evidence, my friends, has been released. And I want to read you a quote. I need a link since the people cannot see this video while listening to this podcast. But this was a quote from the investigators, from the officials, quote. Upon further scrutiny of the video enhanced, the investigation determined the bear was actually a person in a bear costume. I have watched the video. It looks like a person crawling around in a bear costume. And what's funny is when you first, first, first watch the video right off the bat you're like, oh my gosh, there's a bear in that car. Cause you know, you don't expect. But then when it crawls to the other seats, it crawls into the back seats. It's clearly a person in a bear costume. And they sent this video to the police to prove definitively. And so the police investigated. They found multiple car insurance frauds that were done. And then.

[Jason]

Did they find the bear costume?

[Andy]

They found the bear costume.

[Mike]

Come on, you gotta get rid of that.

[Andy]

Well, they were gonna do it again and again. This was their job, was tearing up cars in a bear costume. They actually found it in a bag that said, this is definitely not a bear costume.

[Mike]

So I got to go to Papa Josh real quick for a question because Josh worked in insurance for a very long time. Could these people have said, we had A bear attack. And, like, you have the remains of the interior of the car but not sent to video. Just your claim, like, a bear did this.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Like, so they didn't even need to do the video.

[Andy]

It was going over and above. That really got them in trouble.

[Mike]

Overthought it.

[Andy]

Yeah. I'm gonna share out that video for you.

[Mike]

Pretty sure bear's about to ruin my car.

[Andy]

Don't take a video. I just.

[Mike]

I have a hunch. I mean, like, there's a lot of different ways our limbs are not the same.

[Andy]

And you can tell when they were crawling because it looks like a person's limbs and not like a.

[Jason]

Did you know that this was actually a story in, I believe, mainland China at their zoos? Did you know this? That they actually had, like, people pretending to be. Yes. They had people dressed up in bear costumes pretending to be bears in an exhibit for on the zoo.

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

I thought you were talking, like, people coming to the zoo dressed in a bear costume or something. You're telling me that they actually tried to fool the guests of the zoo by having people in bear costumes?

[Jason]

Headline, Chinese zoo denies their bear is a guy in a bear suit.

[Andy]

Yes. Oh.

[Jason]

So, yeah, it's. I'm gonna send you the picture of that, too.

[Andy]

Oh, my goodness gracious.

[Jason]

And this was a. I saw this a while back. So there's a little tag team on the.

[Andy]

In real life, I know that you can be in a giant rhino and get away with it. Ace Ventura taught me that.

[Jason]

Here's the story that I picked out for. Is this real life? And this was a homegrown story. This happened in late December in Arizona. I saw it come across the wire here on our local AZ Central website. So this is. You know, it's always nice when you see it yourself.

[Mike]

Yeah, right.

[Jason]

Let me read the headline for you. Jason is aghast at this bear.

[Andy]

I can't. I'm sorry to distract. I'm looking at the picture of the bear from the Chinese zoo. It is. It's a person. It's not even wearing a bear suit. It's wearing a bear mask. It's just a person. It's a. Dude.

[Mike]

It's got a little bit of an extension for the head.

[Andy]

Gosh.

[Mike]

But otherwise.

[Andy]

Yep. Upon further video evidence, I have determined it is not a bear. It is a person in a bear suit.

[Jason]

I just love the idea of a zoo, like, going, oh, crap, that bear died, and it was the main attraction.

[Mike]

What do we do?

[Jason]

What do we do? All right, here's the story, guys. You're going to enjoy this standing up right in our backyard. Right in our backyard.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

Knocking from Phoenix garbage truck leads to woman's rescue.

[Andy]

Oh.

[Jason]

A garbage truck driver found a woman stuck in the rear container of his Waste Management garbage truck early during his morning route in Phoenix. The woman, who was not seriously injured, was found at 4:45am when the truck was in the area of local area here. She was taken to the hospital. The garbage truck driver had heard loud knocking sounds coming from inside of the container after he made his last dump.

[Andy]

So now the first question I have, because it's the most terrifying question, I just assume all these garbage trucks are.

[Mike]

Compressing like Star Wars.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Just like, I don't know. It says, quote, it is unclear how the woman ended up in the garbage truck.

[Mike]

The woman did not want to share.

[Jason]

She didn't tell him. And then it says later.

[Andy]

I'm gonna guess she started in a garbage can.

[Mike]

That's where I believe. Don't worry about it. How'd you get there?

[Jason]

My favorite part of the story, though, was when the representative from waste Management, the garbage truck company decided to comment. They said, quote, they were unaware of why or how the woman ended up in the dumpster bed at the company. Quote, strongly discourages people from doing so.

[Mike]

But if you've been tempted, but they don't forbid it.

[Andy]

Right? That's. That's true.

[Mike]

They just discourage it.

[Andy]

They just strongly discourage it. If you're gonna do it, you can.

[Mike]

What's going on in there?

[Andy]

Strongly discouraged.

[Mike]

Is there anything cool?

[Andy]

There's probably some copper pipes you could sell.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

I mean, you do see, you do.

[Jason]

Believe that you're in. You gotta be in the waste basket or in the.

[Mike]

In the can.

[Jason]

In the can and then get dumped in.

[Andy]

I mean, I see.

[Jason]

Hence the injuries.

[Andy]

I do post lunch walks around our building here pretty often and walk by a handful of dumpsters. It is a very common occurrence to see a person in that dumpster.

[Jason]

Oh, you Frequently. And do you wave pretty much at.

[Andy]

Least twice a week.

[Jason]

Do you try to ignore them or.

[Andy]

Do you just say, hey, I just walk on. I'm just walking. I don't.

[Jason]

These are people looking for things.

[Andy]

These are people looking for things. But I guess if you're in there at the time that the garbage truck pulls up, if you want to earn yourself, there's a problem.

[Mike]

Yeah. I'm just not understanding how that happens.

[Jason]

If you want to earn yourself $100, I want you to do one of your around the building walks in A bear suit. One of these days you can stand. I don't care.

[Andy]

Yeah, walk on two feet.

[Jason]

You can walk on two feet.

[Andy]

Oh, all right.

[Jason]

I don't have the guy in the zoo.

[Andy]

You got to buy the suit.

[Jason]

All right, well, I'll go find one. All right, we'll take a break. We'll get into the draft.

[Mike]

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[Andy]

The Spitballers draft.

[Jason]

All right, today we are drafting the most annoying sounds in the world.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

The scout. It is in contention. You can draft it. I have the number one pick. I'm gonna go pretty vanilla here because it's a super annoying sound and it genuinely, like, causes people physical discomfort.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I have to go. Nails on a chalkboard.

[Mike]

Why does it do that?

[Andy]

I don't know. I think it's because we associate it with the feeling as well of the nails scratching it.

[Jason]

Chalkboards have that, like, really chalky. It was abrasive. It just. It grosses me out a little bit right now.

[Andy]

It was the first thing I put on my list, and then as I created the rest of my list, it was the last thing on my list simply because I realized that doesn't exist anymore. Like, for people our age. Nails on a chalkboard was a thing because, like, in classrooms, there were chalkboards. They ain't been a chalkboard in a classroom.

[Mike]

Nails on whiteboards. It's just a smooth glide.

[Jason]

They're only manufacturing chalkboards for the nails now, Right. For the freaks that totally like it.

[Andy]

But. Yeah, it's been a minute. I don't think any of them have chalkboards still. Right. It's all whiteboards.

[Jason]

There's chalkboards.

[Mike]

Really?

[Jason]

Yeah, there's chalkboards, but they all get like, somebody rolls like a wide Array a dry erase board in front of them now, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right, Mike, you are on the clock. Most annoying sounds.

[Mike]

So nails on chalkboard very high. And I'm going to go with the sound, which it sucks to, even when you bring it up, because the people who create this sound love that you hate it. And it's these freaking turds with their car mufflers and just being the loudest, most obnoxious car that you can possibly be.

[Andy]

Great pick.

[Jason]

I didn't think about that.

[Mike]

And they all, like, I can only imagine the reason you do that is because you are trying to be annoying. So then when I admit that it's annoying, I am simply giving you more power.

[Andy]

No, they're trying to be cool. They are trying.

[Mike]

I don't think so.

[Andy]

For sure they are.

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Andy]

They are. They're not trying to annoy other people. They're trying to be cool. They think in their world, in their bubble, that it's like, wow, this is an awesome car. It's so loud. It's so strong.

[Mike]

But I'm not even talking about the motor. Like, there are the muffler. Yeah. I can agree that some people, my motor is the deepest and the loudest.

[Andy]

I'm just talking about the insanely loud muffler.

[Jason]

They find other people like them.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I think there's a bubble of people that are like, whoa, man.

[Andy]

And here's cool. Here's a nice thing. You can make fun of them on this podcast.

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

Because those people aren't listening to this podcast.

[Mike]

Okay, well, if you are. If you are one of those people, we try to be uplifting, positive. But if you are one of those people, you're bad. You're a bad person.

[Andy]

Here's the uplifting part. You're able to become a good person. Yeah.

[Mike]

You don't have to be.

[Andy]

You could pull over. Right. There's a real easy change side of the road.

[Jason]

There's something about disconnect that muffler drive.

[Andy]

With a huge smile on your face, knowing you're a good person.

[Jason]

That's. The sound is so bad because you've added it on purpose. It's not like, you know, you just didn't have the money to put on the thing that makes, like, brake pads going bad.

[Andy]

And it's like your brakes are out. And that's annoying.

[Mike]

But it's like, why are you taking all my pics over here, man?

[Jason]

All car related. Jason, two picks for you. Most annoying sound.

[Andy]

So mine is going to be the opposite of Yours. Right, Mike, you were saying, silence, quiet car. No, you were saying that you didn't like this, in part because the people are wanting it. Okay, yes. This one I actually have empathy for. I feel bad for them because they very much don't want it. But it does not change the fact that a baby crying on a plane is unacceptable.

[Mike]

Yeah, because baby's crying period is unacceptable.

[Andy]

Well, but on a plane, you're stuck. You're in a fuselage for four hours, and it's just like, this is going to wreck the day when there is a baby crying on the. Nothing's more annoying than that.

[Jason]

The baby crying. And I just had down as crying baby anywhere. You can have both empathy for that person and hate the sound rage. Or in your case, rage, because it's just not. It's not something you can, like, have a conversation through. If you're at a restaurant and a baby's crying and I'm trying to talk to you about crocodiles or something, you know, we can't have a serious crocodile discussion because the baby's crying.

[Andy]

That's horrible. All right, so I know the next one I really, really want, but I don't think either of you are going to take it. It's probably. It is the worst of the worst, but I'm going to. I'm going to play the game and hope it comes back to me. So instead, I'm going to take something that I have heard. I will say, I promise. I've heard this more than you in your life. And. But by you, I mean everyone. Everyone listening. Everyone in this room.

[Mike]

That's a bold proclamation.

[Andy]

A smoke detector. Beep.

[Mike]

It's on my list because you have heard it more than anyone.

[Jason]

Why more?

[Andy]

Well, I've gone bigger houses. I've gone years without changing it.

[Jason]

You are just demented.

[Mike]

You let it just.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

Is it out? Is it. This is a ladder situation.

[Andy]

It's a ladder situation. A couple years situation. There was one time where I was renting a house, and it was almost like. It was like the two years I was there, it's not my house, and so I don't want to change it, but it was two years.

[Jason]

You're willing to suffer because it's not yours.

[Andy]

Well, and in between it, you can still forget. And then every time it's like chirp, and you're like, oh, I forgot about it.

[Mike]

You don't have to replace it. You can just take the battery out.

[Andy]

I think I ended up just knocking it down eventually.

[Mike]

See, that's the way to go. I've had parts of my life where like this upstairs. If there's a fire up here, we're in big trouble. Because there's about 5 of the smoke detectors that are just.

[Andy]

Oh, no, they're just detached. If they're. Oh, okay. I thought there were multiples beeping at the same time.

[Mike]

No, no, I'm saying take them down.

[Jason]

They do not function.

[Mike]

I'm saying in the middle of the night, I'm not going down to get the battery. I'm going to identify the problem. I'm going to fix it. And now problem has been solved.

[Andy]

I had a smoke detector. I don't know how this is possible. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it clearly is. I had a smoke detector in our master bedroom with a chirp for a whole year.

[Mike]

How is that possible?

[Andy]

Dude, I don't know. I say it out loud and I don't know. It's not a goof that happened. We just lived through it in your bedroom. We live different lives in the master bedroom.

[Jason]

I will say, I believe that all smoke detectors are designed with a photo sensor so it knows when it's nighttime. And that's the only time it's allowed to warn you of the battery. Because I can tell you honest truth, I've changed 15 to 20 batteries. I've never done it when daylight.

[Mike]

It has been there.

[Jason]

It has always been. And it always happens to be like a lot when our kids were little and it's in their room and I'm hauling a freaking ladder into the room while I'm hoping the kid stays asleep. And I'm climbing up this in pitch black hoping the kid stays asleep.

[Andy]

To change this thing, you just gotta let them learn how to live through it.

[Jason]

The problem is some of those smoke.

[Andy]

Detectors, it's like being in a McDonald's.

[Jason]

Some of the smoke detectors, you can't just take down. I learned this at a house because all our smoke detectors in the entire house were hardwired together, but they required all of them to have battery backups because the hardwire could go down. Therefore, you can't pull it off without setting off all the other alarms. Yeah, because I tried to disconnect one and the whole house went off in the middle of the night.

[Andy]

What? Yeah. Yeah, My current house. I dealt with that problem and it caused me to actually change the battery. Yeah, I got to fix this thing. This is unlivable. And I can live through all the.

[Jason]

Shot power down to the house and.

[Mike]

Went back to bed.

[Jason]

Mike, you are back on the clock. Jason took the crying baby and the smoke detector chirp. Very good picks, Mike. You have the custom exhaust on the car, and you're back on the clock.

[Mike]

All right, we're going to go. We're going to go with chewing.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Chewing.

[Jason]

I did think you might take this pick.

[Mike]

Chewing is annoying. It's. It's disgusting. It is the worst sound that can be made.

[Andy]

Yeah. Chewing with your mouth open.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

It's awful.

[Mike]

Why is this so bad this morning? Why is it so bad this morning?

[Jason]

Because what you're doing is you're using these little ivory pieces in your mouth to break food down with a mixture of saliva to swallow.

[Mike]

That's why.

[Jason]

It's so you can hear.

[Andy]

Hear the saliva sticking and releasing from.

[Jason]

Why does it bother you?

[Mike]

Yeah. Like nails on a chalkboard. It's like, okay, that reminds you of doing it. Yeah, I can see that. That makes sense. But, like, chewing it doesn't remind me of eating, which I'd be like, oh, that sounds.

[Andy]

Yeah, that sounds great.

[Mike]

I love eating.

[Andy]

The act of chewing is awesome.

[Mike]

Yeah. I like to chew my food.

[Jason]

Chew respectably.

[Andy]

Yeah. This morning on the drive to school, my eldest son was chewing gum, but he was smacking it.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Andy]

I was like, those lips. If you have gum, those lips are shut. I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear you chew your gum. No. That's a great pick.

[Jason]

Okay, my next pick. I'm going to go with the car alarm. The car alarm that is going off, and nobody seems to figure out it's their car and no one can stop it. And it just seems like there should be some way for someone else to stop it. I feel like we're.

[Andy]

You always have to check if it's yours.

[Jason]

Are we not evolving past the car alarm phase of our society?

[Andy]

I think we are. I think now so many cars, you can check on your app where they are. You know what I mean? Like, it's just what you think.

[Jason]

They install it just so you can find your car.

[Andy]

No, I'm just saying, if you have that, do you really need a car alarm? Do you?

[Jason]

I thought the car alarm was to stop someone from breaking in.

[Andy]

I guess I see it as stop someone from stealing your car. I guess they could break in and steal something out of your car.

[Jason]

Right? You could stop them with that.

[Mike]

Yeah, but no one's gonna stop them.

[Jason]

No. No. Well, because the default is somebody left their alarm on. That's. The default is. You're like, oh, who's gonna turn that off. Not. Is there somebody stealing it.

[Andy]

Also, here's the biggest problem with the car alarms. 1280 out of 1289 are false. There's no one breaking in. There's no one stealing your car. I've.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's. It's. It's. Idiot with their loud car muffler.

[Jason]

Boy who cries wolf.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's Boy who cries wolf. It's like every time that you hear a car alarm, it's like someone's got to go push a button.

[Jason]

You almost need the alarm to be like, it's really someone this time.

[Andy]

Right. Or just know when it's not someone and then don't cry wolf.

[Jason]

This is why I think we're just evolving past it. I think now, cars you can't. Newer cars you can't steal. Right. As easily.

[Andy]

It's much more difficult.

[Mike]

Tell that to Nick Cage.

[Andy]

Oh, he can steal it in 60 seconds.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Under nails on a chalkboard. Car alarm. My third pick here. I'm going to come back with snoring. I'm going to come back with snoring because, yeah, when it happens. And look, I. I'm only going to barely throw my wife under the bus here. My wife has barely.

[Mike]

Is all it takes to kill you.

[Jason]

It is, it is. It's all. Yeah. A little bit under the bus is all the way under the bus, isn't it? Yeah. She. She is not a like Jason. You are. You are a regular snorer. When we. Long ago before you.

[Andy]

If I don't have my cpap, I will be chopping wood.

[Jason]

Yeah. And Mike and I and you, we shared a hotel room a couple times and it was like, oh, man, you're. It's. There's something to it. Like you're at peace and you're causing. Like you're at complete.

[Mike]

There is something funny about that.

[Jason]

You're at complete peace while the other people around you going, oh, please make it stop. And so my wife, I would say she lightly snores once every few months and all it takes is a nudge. Right. But I can't sleep during a snore. It's impossible. So normally I'll do the. Like, you're snoring, you're snoring. And then she'll go. And then that's it.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's funny.

[Jason]

I don't think I've ever snored.

[Mike]

Snoring. Well, yeah, I mean, I've never heard myself snore.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I spent years snoring, you know, in bed and having that just had to Be dealt with and then I get a cpap.

[Mike]

You've snored other places too?

[Andy]

Well, sure, but I'm just saying that's.

[Mike]

What I was laughing at.

[Andy]

Once I got my cpap, I don't snore anymore. And now if the wife, she can't sleep without your snoring. If the wife snores, I am just aghast. It's just.

[Jason]

Oh, you're like offended.

[Andy]

Well, it's just like.

[Mike]

Is it louder than. How loud is your CPAP machine? I'm not familiar.

[Andy]

Oh, it's just a nice blowing air.

[Mike]

Nice to whoosh.

[Jason]

Oh, that's like what you want to.

[Mike]

Go to be really loud, right?

[Andy]

Maybe, maybe. I think it's a nice sound, honestly.

[Mike]

So it's the one wearing it.

[Andy]

No, no, no. Like, she said it too.

[Mike]

Okay. It's a white noise machine.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's like a little white noise.

[Jason]

If you have a white noise machine, is there an option on there for cpap?

[Andy]

Yeah. Or snoring? That's. No, it is terrible.

[Jason]

All right, back to Mike.

[Mike]

All right, we're going to go. Oh, man, we're going to.

[Jason]

Having a hard time over there.

[Mike]

It is, it is. Because this isn't a sound you hear all the time. It's just. We understand how terrible it is because it sounds like death. It sounds like a creature may be suffering and needs to be put out of its misery. But it's beginner violin. Beginner violin.

[Andy]

Not frequent.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's what I say.

[Jason]

Like, I don't.

[Mike]

I'm not saying that I hear it all the time, but when you do hear it, it is. That's one of those where one of your eyes just. It shuts. You can't stop it. Your head starts tilting. Your eyebrows go up if they play too long.

[Andy]

Full aneurysm.

[Mike]

Because inside your body is like, I need to get out. Something really bad has happened.

[Jason]

Would more people play violin if it wasn't for the beginner violin? Intimidation. Like the family. It's like the drums, right? Sometimes people don't buy drum kit. They're like, why don't you play really loud? Why don't you play an electric guitar with these headphones on the. On the amplifier? I wonder if that keeps people from like letting their kids play.

[Mike]

It could, but it's also. Now it's old fashioned. It's not cheap. I just think there's much cheaper instruments.

[Jason]

I just say, go play, go learn in the backyard.

[Andy]

I also feel like very wrongly and for no reason, but it also feels like one of those instruments that is cut in half. Like, it's a girl instrument. Like, violins are for girls. And so half the people already can't play. Like, the flute. Yeah, yeah, I would say. I mean, at least growing up, it just felt like that. I don't know why. It's stupid. I would love to play a violin.

[Jason]

It wasn't exclusive, but in our marching band, there was definitely, like, all the flautists were girls. Then the clarinets a little bit more split. Then you get up the saxophone, like.

[Mike]

Yeah, okay.

[Andy]

You just made me so hungry for flautas. This is a nice chicken or beef. Flautas. Let's go. That sounds.

[Mike]

That's your takeaway?

[Andy]

That was my takeaway. What was you talking about? Some sour cream, some fresh roasted Clari nuts.

[Jason]

All right, Jason, you have two picks left.

[Andy]

Okay, I got two picks left. I got roasted. We clear. Nuts.

[Mike]

We put. All right, moving on.

[Andy]

All right, so my pick that I wanted the most because it is. It drives me insane.

[Mike]

What's a clarinet player called? Do they have a different. Because a flute is my flute. Are you a Clari Nutter?

[Andy]

Clarinetist.

[Mike]

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Like, is there a word for it?

[Andy]

Clarinetist. Clarinetist.

[Mike]

Clarinetist. There you go.

[Jason]

That seems a little bit more obvious.

[Andy]

That makes sense.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

All right, well, then why not? Why aren't you a flutist?

[Jason]

That I don't understand. I don't know why you're a flautist.

[Andy]

Oh, delicious.

[Jason]

But I also don't know why you're a pianist.

[Mike]

So fair. Piano.

[Andy]

Pianoist. Why isn't it a pianoist? Why is it a pianist?

[Jason]

I think we just don't. We're not good at pronouncing that one. Jason, you are back on the clock. For goodness sakes. Pick something.

[Andy]

Okay. All right. Well, the pick that I wanted the most came back because it. It drives me insane, and I can't do anything about it. And there's. I can't put it away. I can't forget about it. I can't not notice it and just move on.

[Mike]

Like a smoke detector. Beep.

[Andy]

Yeah, I can move on from there.

[Mike]

Yeah, apparently.

[Andy]

But this drives me crazy. And it's. Some people do it. Some people do it this way. It's teeth on a fork. When they bite the fork when they eat, that little clip sound, that clip and scratch. It's just like nails on a chalkboard to me. The teeth scratching along the fork. Obviously, if you got plastic, whatever. I don't hear it. It's fine. But if you've got silverware, if your teeth are biting the fork and you.

[Jason]

Notice that at people, do you?

[Andy]

Oh, I can't not notice it because it's visceral. No. Well, I mean, I've accident once I bite.

[Jason]

Like an accidental bite of a metal fork.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

That's a bad experience.

[Andy]

It is a terrible experience, but I don't do the additional. Scrape it out people. You don't need to scrape the fork.

[Mike]

That's how you get all the flavor.

[Andy]

No, sir. That's how you get all the silver.

[Mike]

Yeah. It's part of the experience.

[Andy]

I like a real aluminum pasta. Yeah. You don't need to eat like that. Please be aware of it. And the problem is. Yeah, just learn to eat right. It's visceral. I'm not out there judging you. I'm not out there looking for it. If it happens near me, my body knows it. And I just like you ever turn.

[Jason]

To the neighboring table and go, did you just bite your fork?

[Andy]

I've never said anything about it.

[Mike]

Did you bite your fork at me? Good sir.

[Andy]

To anyone. Thankfully, no one in my family does. Or else I, you know, they'd be out. They'd be out of the family.

[Jason]

What's your final pick? Crying baby. Smoke detector. Chirp teeth on a fork.

[Andy]

My final pick is the crying.

[Mike]

Could have.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Is the p. The PTSD that comes from an alarm clock. And it can be any alarm clock, whether it's the old school one by the bed or whether it's the classic iPhone.

[Jason]

Even though you're a morning person.

[Andy]

I am in a more. But I see my alarm clock is just a gentle vibrating.

[Mike]

How often do you change your alarm sound?

[Andy]

I don't have an alarm sound. Like I. We don't have.

[Jason]

No, but like the one you're talking.

[Mike]

About, though, when you like for people.

[Andy]

Who have an alarm.

[Mike]

Never, never, never had an alarm start.

[Jason]

No, no, no.

[Andy]

I'm saying I never changed it. When I grew up, I had like the alarm clock that was doing the classic. And then once I got an iPhone for, you know, a decade or whatever it was, the. Whatever their default default was. I never used it. I never mixed it up.

[Jason]

You never go a song.

[Andy]

No, no. Wake up to a song would have been much better.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

But I haven't had an alarm clock sound in a long time now. So thankfully I got that out of my life.

[Mike]

For me, it's. No matter how peaceful a sound is when you like, you're selecting. I had a. One of those sunlight alarms and it was. You could you have a couple sounds you could pick from? And one of them's birds. Real pleasant birds and sounds nice to sleep with. Yeah. When you first hear it, you're like, it's great the first couple times it wakes you up. But then eventually even that peaceful sound like this is. This thing is the worst waking you up.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah. And you're like you're going association. You're going to bed with a bird gun now waking up looking. I'm gonna get you. You're not waking me up tomorrow.

[Jason]

Birds wake me up every day. Mike. You have custom exhaust chewing and beginner violin. You're finishing it up with what?

[Mike]

So I. I don't think they do this as much into. In the new school, but they. Josh could probably tell me if they are really doing it or not. But low health in a video game.

[Jason]

Interesting.

[Mike]

When you have low health in a video game and the thing comes in.

[Jason]

Very annoying sound. That sounds old.

[Mike]

Did you never. Yeah. Did you never play NES games? Like you never played a Zelda game?

[Andy]

I never played a Zelda game, no. What? I never. That was the one franchise I never played a single Zelda game.

[Mike]

Okay. Well that one specifically is the one I'm thinking of. As soon as you're down to like half a heart, the alarm goes on.

[Jason]

It never stops.

[Mike]

It never stops until you get more life. Which is. It's a weird design. It's a weird thing. Yeah. Even just newer or they're trying to figure out how to make video games. But it's just weird thing. Like we got to make sure you know that your health is low. You're in danger. And then at the same time, you're freaking me out.

[Jason]

You're like.

[Mike]

Because you won't stop with.

[Andy]

Makes it harder.

[Mike]

It's making it even worse. I am aware that I'm about to.

[Jason]

Get my life back.

[Mike]

It's a high priority right now.

[Jason]

My final pick is an easy one.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

The sonic drowning. Oh man. This is just pure panic.

[Jason]

My final pick is going to be microphone feedback.

[Andy]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

Someone messes up with the. The sound. The sound engineer messes up. Jeremy's back there. He screws something up.

[Mike]

And the sound lower. The performer points the microphone at the sound engineer's fault.

[Jason]

No matter what the performer does. The performer's awesome engineer.

[Andy]

Yeah. I agree with.

[Jason]

You got to be on top of that. But no. Yeah. They point the microphone at the amplifier.

[Andy]

Should have planned for me to point the mic at the. At the speaker.

[Jason]

If you've ever been around one where they really couldn't get it under control. That is pretty intense. So I had a lot of final picks that were really close. Like the flyer mosquito that buzzes your ear.

[Andy]

I've got that on my list.

[Jason]

Off key whistling. So if someone's walking around, but they're not a good whistler. Yeah, if you're a good whistler.

[Andy]

Welcome in, Mike. You are welcome to whistle around me anytime you want.

[Jason]

And for Papa Josh, a final one that I had on my list. Dogs barking at night.

[Andy]

I thought you were just going to say Papa Josh. Also Papa Josh, because that should be on all of our lists around here.

[Mike]

I had dogs licking themselves.

[Andy]

Oh, man. When you can hear the lick.

[Mike]

Oh, it's so bad.

[Andy]

It is. It is the worst. It's very nasty. I'm surprised we didn't take, like, a cough. Coughs are so annoying when you've got that person. Like you're in a movie theater or any venue and you got the cougher, the one who just can't stop coughing.

[Mike]

Yeah, but I don't find the actual sound of a cough to be.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's more the constant cougher. I have a dentist drill, and for my boy, this is a. Like, this is nails on a chalkboard. For him, Styrofoam rubbing together.

[Mike]

Yeah, one of my kids has that, too.

[Andy]

Cannot handle.

[Jason]

That's not a good sound. Like, nobody. Maybe some people have the phobia and it's worse. But I think everybody would agree that's not a great sound.

[Mike]

So, you know, like the material that gives, like, the fake 3D effect. So based off of where you look at. But so it's these tiny little rivets or whatever. And if you scratch it, it makes a very distinct sound. That's one of my kids. Like, he'll. He will, like, attack you like a spider monkey if you don't stop. Like, he can't control it. He turns into just a monster that has to get away from the sound.

[Andy]

A buzzing light bulb. Yeah.

[Jason]

That's terrible.

[Andy]

Awful.

[Jason]

But not as often.

[Andy]

Light bulbs should not make sound. They make light.

[Mike]

It's.

[Jason]

Keep it straight.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You're not here to make sound.

[Mike]

You're not a sound bulb.

[Andy]

There's a restaurant.

[Mike]

Light bulb, dummy.

[Andy]

There's a restaurant near here that we all like. Like a little Hawaiian barbecue place.

[Mike]

Oh, man, I totally forgot about that thing.

[Andy]

Years, Years it has been happening for.

[Jason]

How long that some dude is like, hey, I don't care about my smoke detectors. I guess we can leave the light.

[Andy]

Oh, man, that thing drives me I don't even want to go inside there. And they don't doordash. Come on, people.

[Mike]

We got to go see if it's still there.

[Andy]

Oh, I'm sure it is.

[Jason]

I had the fork on a plate.

[Mike]

Which is very similar when you cut on the plate.

[Andy]

What did we learn today? I learned that crocodiles can climb trees. That blew my mind.

[Mike]

They do seem like an apex predator when you look at all the things that they can do.

[Jason]

You also learned that they have. They can move both sides of their jaw at the same time.

[Andy]

I'm not sure. I learned that. That will go away quickly.

[Jason]

The crocodile's speed, it can chase you down no matter where you're at. That's what I learned today.

[Mike]

And I learned Jason can make up 15 minutes of a drive of a 30 minute drive somehow.

[Jason]

And he has a really passionate love of flautas.

[Andy]

Oh, they're so good.

[Mike]

To be fair, they're delicious.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Goodbye everybody.

[Mike]

Goodbye.

[Andy]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to. Check out spitballers pod.com. Martha listens to her favorite band all the time. In the car, gym, even sleeping. So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live. She saved so much, she got a seat close enough to actually see and hear them. Sort of. You were made to scream from the front row. We were made to quietly save you. More Expedia made to travel savings vary and subject to availability. Flight inclusive packages are atoll protected.

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