
The Spitballers are back and we’ve got another laughter inducing episode for you. From air sensing tires to Decisions of Extreme Importance, this episode has the laughs you need to make your week better. We bring things home with a Things You’d Want in a Treehouse draft you don’t want to miss! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!
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Andy
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Mike
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Andy
What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Okay, I can respect it. I can respect it.
Jason
That works. I mean, it's episode 363 that works.
Mike
It is what it is, man.
Jason
Welcome into the Spitballers. Would you rather on today's episode, decisions of extreme importance? Obviously, we don't.
Andy
Pretty important.
Jason
We don't deal with, like, needless minutia. Minutiae.
Andy
Which ketchup should I get? Shut up.
Jason
We're dealing with extremely important situations.
Mike
Yeah, the answer is the whataburger. Fancy ketchup, but yeah.
Andy
Or the spicy.
Mike
Or spicy. Yeah, of course.
Jason
And today we're drafting things that you would want in your very own treehouse because. Well, I never had treehouse because we never had trees.
Mike
Do they do like. Does. Are we still doing tree houses?
Jason
I think so, yeah. Yeah. Treehouses are.
Andy
I don't think they're as common. I don't think they're as common as they used to be in the 1960s, when people had work ethic and time.
Jason
Oh, you think they're correlated to not being on your phones?
Mike
That's. Hey, number one.
Jason
I'm so bored. I'll build a house in a tree.
Mike
Yeah, well, I mean, in that I feel like you're saying it's up to the kid.
Jason
Yeah, it is up to the kid. They're built by kids.
Andy
The kid.
Mike
No, the kid does not build.
Andy
The kid does not build the tree house.
Jason
Depends on what.
Mike
Build the treehouse.
Jason
Kids do build tree houses.
Andy
I don't think. I don't believe you.
Mike
No, the good. So that was the question.
Andy
It would fall down, treehouse be destroyed.
Jason
I show up and the kid.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
I show up at your house. Unlimited two by fours. Can you build a tree house?
Jason
Unlimited two by fours. Yeah, I'll get there. Yeah, unlimited. I can hit. I can hit enough nails to hold that thing up.
Mike
Are you gonna have enough scrap saying
Andy
that the floor would be made of two by fours?
Jason
Well, not only two by floors.
Andy
Oh, okay.
Mike
What else?
Jason
Wait, that's why you call them two by floors.
Andy
Oh, my.
Mike
That's why they call it that.
Andy
Oh, come on.
Jason
Come on.
Mike
I thought you were gonna hit applause, because I like.
Andy
That was awful.
Jason
Mike was in on that.
Andy
Oh, gross. Two by four.
Mike
What do you think the floor is? It's not a tree.
Jason
I had enough. Two by four.
Andy
Frame of the floor might be two by fours. But you're not walking across two by fours.
Mike
What are you walking across?
Andy
Plywood.
Jason
Yeah, he's got you there. I mean, like. Oh, no.
Mike
You don't put plywood down in a treehouse. No, you don't. It's beams. Only you beams.
Andy
So you're. You're saying they're building a deck up in the tree house?
Mike
Yes.
Andy
No, they're not.
Mike
Yes, they are. How many.
Andy
How many tree houses have you built? Genuine question zero. Yeah. Okay. How many of you know. More questions at this time.
Mike
I know you want to talk about hidden desert brush.
Jason
Like holes in the ground that, like, build out here.
Mike
I don't even know.
Andy
Hole.
Mike
I don't know what we call it.
Andy
Cave.
Mike
Sure.
Andy
Like a desert cave.
Mike
A cardboard cave. Yeah, it's made of.
Jason
Papa Josh, you grew up not in Arizona, did you?
Andy
And you grew up in the 60s?
Jason
No, but we had forts. Yeah, forts.
Andy
That's what we did.
Jason
They weren't in the trees.
Mike
No.
Andy
They were called ground tree houses.
Mike
Josh. Papa Josh your grow up. Oh, your grow up was Pennsylvania.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
They got trees.
Jason
Yeah. I just never had an actual tree house. Why lift it off the ground.
Andy
Not enough two by fours.
Jason
But we'll get into that shortly. Let's do some. Would you ra.
Andy
Would you rather.
Jason
Would you rather your shoelaces become untied every 15 minutes or. All four car tires need to be topped off with air every week?
Andy
So the hardest.
Mike
Oh, man.
Jason
Why is filling your car tire so annoying? Why can't we get to the point? What do you mean?
Andy
It used to be I used to
Jason
have to do what people do this for you now.
Andy
Discount tire.
Mike
Hashtag. Hashtag. Not a sponsor.
Andy
Hashtag. Would love to be a sponsor.
Jason
That's not convenient to have to drive to another establishment.
Andy
I would if. Oh, I agree. But it's way better if I could you do like sometimes I have a little electric pump air filler upper thing that you can plug into your car.
Jason
Can't do any hard work, can you?
Andy
And at home. At home I have this and.
Jason
Oh, I own it.
Mike
I got a question for you.
Jason
Hard work is not buying something.
Mike
You're the. The attachment piece that goes onto the tire.
Andy
Right? Right.
Mike
Is this a clamp or is this a screw?
Jason
Most of them are going to be clamp.
Andy
Yeah. You push it on and then you put.
Jason
Most of them are that little. A thumb button that you push down for a sec. Put it on and let go of the thumb button.
Andy
Mine is more like the bicycle. Mine is more like the bicycle where I push the thing on and then
Mike
you close the flap.
Andy
Close the flap.
Mike
Right. My original though was it was a screw.
Andy
That seems better.
Jason
No, it takes a long time to screw it up. No.
Mike
Also, once you've done all four tires, I guarantee the knuckle of your index finger is destroyed.
Andy
I would never do all four tires. My point is that if I do have the ability to do it at home.
Mike
Which are the most important tires?
Jason
Jay cannot wait to eat you during an apocalypse. You are going to be useless.
Mike
What is this face contraption, Andy?
Jason
No, just the look at the end of it. It's a pin.
Mike
I know. I've never seen this.
Jason
So my truck has a built in air compressor. It's still annoying to hook up the hose and fill up the tires. I'm just saying
Mike
I've never seen this clamp. I've only seen the bike tire where you push it on. Close the flap.
Andy
I did.
Mike
It was the bike tire one.
Jason
We can tell the tire pressure of all of our tires. Right. We can sense it. You get the message inside your car. Low tire pressure. Right. Why can't we just fill it?
Mike
We can sense it when it tells me exactly what the problem is.
Andy
Like, I feel a tingling on the back of my neck and I'm like, let me touch my menus and see what they are.
Jason
I just want.
Andy
Why can't we can all sense it?
Jason
Why can't the car freaking just fill them?
Andy
I would agree with that. Like, why. Why is it built in?
Jason
Yeah, the little. What do you call the nipple? What do you call the thing? Is it the nipple?
Mike
You had a word for it.
Andy
The valve.
Jason
Thank you.
Mike
No, not the valve. What do we call the cap? What do you call the cap?
Andy
What do you call the cap?
Mike
No, he had a funny word for it.
Jason
I did.
Mike
Yes.
Andy
I don't remember saying that.
Mike
You talked about as a teenager with the tiny little caps that are on.
Jason
Oh, a chromie.
Mike
A chromie. Thank you. That's a funny word.
Jason
The valve itself could be powered and then that could suck in outside air and put it in the tire and your tire could stay inflated all the time. This is not hard to do.
Mike
I think it is.
Andy
You want to know what else is
Mike
not hard to do?
Andy
To just drive up to a discount tire. Are you kidding? I'm not. I'm not. I would love.
Jason
You never want to deal with people
Mike
you don't have to deal with.
Andy
Listen, I'm not getting stuff I'm about to Discount tire. Best advertisement of all time. For free. Because they're not a sponsor. Please be a sponsor. You owe us after this. You can go if you're not. I don't know if discount is nationwide or not, but they're in Arizona, all over the place. If you go to a discount anytime during their waking hours and you drive up, there is a free air check fill station. You drive, you get in line if there's a line. Sometimes there's no line, sometimes there's no line, and then you barely talk to a human. You roll down your window and they're
Jason
like, you know, they're checking your tire to see if you need a new tire. You know that, right?
Mike
That's great. I have no idea when.
Andy
I have never.
Jason
Which is why you're in trouble.
Andy
Never once in my life. And trust me, I've done this. Like, I fill up my tires at discount.
Mike
That's all.
Jason
You don't.
Andy
Well, they do. But I have never once been pitched a new tire or told I need new tires, ever. Doing it.
Jason
Probably because you've always bought them.
Andy
So recently, you go there, they fill them up for free, you drive away, you barely talk to anyone. It is a delight so you want
Jason
to go there and enjoy that? I don't want my shoelaces untied either, but that's the one I'm going to go with.
Mike
I have rolled up to discount tire multiple times in my life. And I get there and they're like, you drove on these tires.
Jason
Oh, really?
Mike
Oh, yeah.
Jason
And then they follow it up with, would you like four new ones?
Mike
Yeah, yeah. And then I'm like, sick.
Andy
I made it.
Mike
Put four new tires on here. There you go.
Andy
Oh, really?
Mike
Because here's. Yeah, because here's the thing that's called
Jason
a drive up salesman.
Mike
No, guys. No, no, no, no, no. Do you know why I drove there? Because my tire had no air in it. And when I put air in it, it would not hold air in it. I will say that I'm like, discount tires a mile away.
Andy
I can make it look, I have never been pitched. I've been there a lot. He has. No, I've.
Mike
No, this is not.
Andy
Which makes me feel like maybe they're just telling the truth and they're pretty helpful. Yeah.
Mike
They come out and they're like. They're doing the panty thing. They're like, here, look at the tread on your tire. And Mike, I don't see anything. They're like, yeah, that's a problem. I'm like, oh, all right.
Jason
I guess I would rather change my tires more often than be caught on the side of the road.
Mike
Sure.
Andy
Yes. Being on the side of the road is awful.
Jason
It just feels like tire technology hasn't advanced to the degree of everything else.
Andy
I would agree with you. Your point of, like, the technology exists. Like, your car has an air compressor. Your car literally already has it. It has a tire sensor.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Just do your. Just do it for me.
Mike
This is Back to the future too.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Like the shoes.
Mike
Both the shoes and the jacket.
Jason
The tire industry is a consumable renewable product. It's a consumable product where you have to keep getting them. There's no incentive to come out with a tire that doesn't pop. That's all I'm saying there is.
Mike
For the person that comes out with that tire.
Jason
No. Because they'll get bought out by discount and discount will bury that thing.
Andy
That's true. That's 100% what would happen.
Jason
I wouldn't have said that if you were a sponsor, but no.
Andy
No way.
Jason
That's what you do. When you. Final answer.
Mike
When you drive by someone on the side of the road fixing a tire, what is your first thought?
Andy
I genuinely. Yes.
Mike
Oh, you Go report SAP.
Jason
Oh, yeah.
Andy
I go. I go, oh, that sucks for them.
Jason
Yep.
Mike
Yeah, you guys.
Andy
See you later.
Jason
Sucker.
Mike
That's definitely what I think.
Andy
Wait, what do you think?
Mike
What an idiot. What, like, you don't drive by those
Andy
people and you're like, oh, my God,
Jason
what if it's their fault?
Mike
Well, yeah, they're on the side of the road, right?
Jason
I have never. I can say, no, you guys don't do that.
Mike
That's just me.
Andy
I have.
Jason
You think they're idiots over there.
Andy
Oh, my gosh. No empathy.
Jason
This is a problem.
Mike
I mean, it's the same for a crash, so it's fine. You guys don't drive by a crash. You're like, what a bunch of idiots.
Andy
No, no, but I do.
Jason
I think, I hope they're okay.
Andy
I do love and I want this to continue happening and then be proliferated even more. Have you guys seen all the, like, the social media clips where people are in an accident?
Mike
Amazing. I don't know.
Andy
Someone's in an accident, they run into a pole. They're in a bush, they're whatever. And people slow down and they record themselves rolling down the window going, you can't park there.
Jason
It is unbelievable.
Andy
And then people get so pissed. Cause you would be an accident.
Jason
Dude, Daddy, they're the funniest thing you've ever seen.
Andy
I could scroll these videos for hours. I'm sorry, sir, you can't park there.
Jason
And now it's always official. It's always like, sir, sir, I don't know if you know this. See, you can't park there.
Andy
You can't park right there. It's wonderful. They're amazing.
Jason
About half the time they're met with two middle fingers and a yell. Final answer. Do you want the tires?
Andy
I'll take the tires.
Jason
Once a week, I have to take the tires. I'm with you guys every 15 minutes.
Mike
With your shoes.
Andy
Mike would just walk around with shoes.
Jason
Daily tire fills. You still taking the tires? No, no.
Andy
I'd walk around in flip flops.
Jason
Yeah. Would you with. With laces. Would you rather have a garage door that takes a full minute to open? That would be so painful. No, but it opens smooth and silently. Or one that opens in five seconds but sounds like loud crunching and scraping. Mellow as it goes up.
Andy
This is a legit question because both of those things are annoying.
Jason
One, you'd be afraid. I mean, the second one, the loud crunching and scraping.
Mike
No, but let's say you're fine.
Jason
You know, I know that you're but
Andy
you're only afraid for five seconds, right? Five seconds later, it's open. You're like, escaped it again.
Jason
Five seconds straight up and down. Seems dangerous.
Andy
How long does a normal garage door take?
Jason
Let me guess. You look up the average time it takes for a garage door to open. I'm going to guess that. That is.
Mike
Hold on, I'm going to go. I'm counting. I'm going, I'm going.
Jason
I'm going. Nine seconds.
Andy
Eight.
Mike
Oh, I was going to go eight.
Jason
Yeah, I'll go eight. Around eight.
Andy
The average residential garage door takes approximately 12 to 15 seconds to fully open or close.
Jason
Well, okay.
Mike
Okay. Fully.
Andy
Yeah. When it's done, we're talking.
Jason
Can you get in?
Mike
Yeah. Can I get into the garage or not?
Andy
Are you ever stopping your garage when I. When it's.
Mike
When I'm pulling in, my garage is still going.
Jason
I'm trying to get in.
Andy
As soon as it continues to go up.
Mike
Yeah, I know, but that's not.
Andy
You don't pause it when it's like, I can squeeze.
Mike
No, I don't. But for. For utilization. It's open enough.
Jason
I'm with you.
Mike
So I think our guess of 8 to 9 is very perfect.
Jason
We're perfect people. Jason, way off.
Mike
So here's the thing is when you have loud crunching, scraping stuff. So like, I don't know if you guys may. Because I rarely drive. For us, when I turn my car to the right, it is the squeakiest.
Jason
You got a problem.
Mike
Oh, brother. There is a huge issue.
Jason
No air in the tire.
Mike
No, there's that. The tire is fine. I don't know what it is. It squeaks when. Hey, oh, hey, Papa Josh. Car guy. I turned my car to the right only, and it squeaks. What's going on with my car?
Jason
That's not good.
Mike
You need to have that check. What is it?
Jason
It's probably a tie rod.
Mike
It's fine. That Taylor, I'm gonna have you listen to it.
Jason
I wouldn't tell me if that's that bad.
Mike
The problem is it's embarrassing.
Jason
The garage door taking a minute. That's a long time. That is.
Mike
But to have it be that loud. What your neighbors are like, what is wrong?
Jason
Trying to get. You need to get.
Andy
At least no one can sneak in or out. You know what I mean? Like, oh, I didn't know that. I didn't hear you come in.
Mike
People aren't sneaking in the garage.
Jason
That's more like.
Mike
How quiet is your garage?
Andy
Teenage drivers, you don't ever worry about them, like, sneaking how they're gonna wake
Jason
me up when they get home. I don't need that.
Mike
Also, when my door opens, it goes, doot, doot.
Andy
Oh, fancy pants.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
You're telling me your house doesn't have that?
Andy
I turned mine off once upon a time, but I was like, I don't need.
Jason
I'm gonna take the. I'm gonna take the full minute. I don't want to get woken up by people opening the garage late.
Mike
Oh, a minute.
Andy
I'm gonna take the five seconds. I'll take the loud.
Jason
Not good for a fire. The one minute, the one way out.
Andy
No, no.
Jason
Bad for a fire.
Andy
A minute will feel like an hour.
Jason
Feel like burning.
Andy
Honestly, sometimes the 12 to 15 second average feels like it takes too long. I'm like, come on. Just.
Jason
Where's one of my. Where's one of these guys that I got that opens it for me?
Andy
Honestly, I think if I could make it louder and quicker, I would right now, my current existing garage. If I could be like, I'll bet they can do it for you twice as fast. It will be twice as loud. Just identical.
Jason
Man could do that.
Andy
High horsepower, identical. I would choose it.
Mike
I. I bet they can do it. And if you did it, you would immediately regret it.
Jason
The way down, that's more dangerous. The way up is not a problem. Did you guys ever used to hang on it?
Andy
No.
Jason
When I was a kid.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Of course, when I was a little
Jason
kid, I would hold onto it and it would lift me off into the.
Mike
Yeah, I mean, you're talking.
Jason
I was little.
Mike
This is. Yeah, this is like six years.
Andy
This is like when I could be crushed by a garage door.
Jason
On the way up, you can't. You just go fly high?
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
It's a good life. I mean, don't try it now.
Andy
I saw the movie Scream. That door was going up.
Mike
Oh, my gosh.
Andy
Yeah. You know what I'm saying?
Mike
Yes, I know what you're talking about. The most preposterous.
Andy
The doggy door.
Mike
I like that. She's in the garage door, and it's just like, yeah, no problem. We're going to go all the way up. Carrying the weight of a human. No, it won't.
Andy
I saw it happen.
Mike
I sneeze and the garage doors like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you want to open or do you. What are you doing here? Since you're like, I'm 10ft away.
Andy
Garage door.
Jason
So I'm on team. Full minute. You guys are on the other team.
Mike
I'm on fire.
Jason
Would you Rather, your first squirt of ketchup always be gross in water?
Mike
Oh, no.
Jason
No matter what. No matter how much you shake it first. Or have your microwave always take three times as long as a normal microwave. Let me ask you a baseline question.
Mike
One long in a microwave that wasn't two minutes.
Jason
You both guessed it. But how. What do you think your microwave per week utilization is?
Mike
Oh, that's interesting.
Andy
By me or by my family?
Jason
No, by you. How many times do you push the buttons on a microwave per week? Because.
Andy
Four.
Jason
Four times?
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
I'm probably two. Maybe one.
Mike
I might be three.
Andy
It might. But the microwaves utilization in my house in a week. 182.
Mike
That is a lot of microwaving.
Jason
You guys like stuff heated?
Andy
My kids do. They like, I'll cook you this now. I'll just make a frozen.
Jason
They do a lot of the frozen, but not an air fryer.
Andy
They use the air fryer too.
Jason
How many meals do your kids eat per day?
Mike
So many.
Andy
I got teenagers, man.
Jason
Do you. I mean, what do you do? How do you get rid of the first squirt?
Andy
So the thing is, is you can
Mike
overcome it with extra cake.
Andy
With more squirt.
Jason
You can overcome it?
Andy
Yeah, you can.
Jason
But are you mixing it in there?
Mike
Yeah, it's disgusting.
Andy
The first squirt is water. Here's how you overcome it. Genuinely, you cannot squirt onto the paper plate. Okay. You need to squirt into a dish.
Mike
Yeah. I feel like you're breaking the rules.
Andy
No, no, no.
Jason
Because we do it both ways.
Andy
We do it both ways all the time. Like we gotta wait for it. Sometimes we squirt on a plate. We've got all these little ramekins that we use all the time for dipping sauces, whether it's A1 or ketchup.
Mike
Here's the ketchup waste.
Jason
Your house is a wild place.
Mike
You have a ketchup waste ramekin.
Andy
It's not a ketchup waste ramekin. It's a sauce. A dish sauce. Duhast. No, duhast.
Mike
Duhast. Ketchup.
Andy
It's a little dish that serves sauces. That's a normal thing.
Jason
But you put the bad squirt in there.
Andy
My point is, if you have the
Mike
bats ramekin, though, that's exactly what. Andy, do you call it a ramekin? You're like, I gotta you, babe. Grab the ramekin.
Andy
You guys have never used that normally.
Mike
I called the sauce dish.
Andy
Yeah, I would never say the sauce dish. I would say the Ramekin.
Mike
Grab a ramekin. I know, because that's what we're just.
Andy
Because you're into way lower. That's just what it's called. It's literally called a ramekin. It's not called sauce dish. That's what it does.
Mike
If I call it sauce dish, I am saving a full syllable.
Jason
Another word for a ramekin is bowl, dish, bowl, container.
Andy
What's the definition of a ramekin?
Mike
Sauce dish.
Jason
A small bowl or dish.
Andy
A small bowl or dish. So I'm just calling off by what it is.
Mike
Sauces and fixins.
Jason
I mean, ramekin is a weird word to begin with.
Mike
You guys, if Josh is on your side, how do you feel about that?
Andy
I feel great. Because he is wise enough to understand a vocabulary. If you know the word. Using the word isn't weird. It's just not.
Jason
It's just another word for a small dish, which means you can say small dish. Mike, hand melt.
Andy
Why would I use two words when one word is better?
Jason
That word has a lot of letters because it's shorter.
Andy
If I said, get me the small dish, she's like, do you want the small bowl? Versus is she gonna bring me out the small plate? Is she gonna bring me out a ramekin? No. If I say, bring me on the ramekitch, it brings me on the ramekitch.
Mike
Okay, okay. But how about if you say, bring me the sauce dish? Same syllables.
Jason
Bring me the sauce dish, bring me the ramekin.
Andy
Honest. Honestly, you don't want this answer.
Mike
I do. I want it. I want the smoke.
Andy
She might accidentally bring out the soy sauce dish, which is different than the ramekin. The ramekin is. I told you. You didn't. You only got one ramekin.
Mike
We have opened a new door. Tell me, what is a soy sauce dish?
Andy
It's a dish for soy sauce.
Mike
And how does it differ from a ramekin?
Andy
Technically, it's in the ramekin family.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
But it's made solely and only for dipping soy sauce.
Mike
What characteristics can't you dip into anything lower?
Andy
A sauce dish. A ramekin will have higher walls.
Mike
I feel like I would want that for a sauce.
Jason
Are you eating a quiche out of a ramekin? No.
Andy
It would have to be a big ramekin. Almost. Not even a ramekin.
Mike
What are those?
Jason
What about a little like a pudding? You put some pudding in a ramekin,
Andy
you could put a couple heapings of pudding.
Jason
How big is this ramekin?
Andy
Ramekins are small man, it's a small dish.
Mike
Are we saying is the ramekin the. Like the real. Real tiny bowl?
Andy
Yeah. I mean, just.
Mike
It doesn't look like a. More like a plate where it's like, the edges are just slightly lifted.
Andy
That's more like soy sauce.
Jason
Is it. Could you put a muffin inside of it?
Mike
So a ramekin is like a little dessert.
Andy
Google. Google ramekin and you'll know they're all the same. I mean, there's a million different types.
Mike
It wants me to search Rammstein.
Jason
I feel like ramekins would have.
Mike
How does one spell ramekin?
Andy
R A, N, E, K, I, N.
Jason
What's the dessert with, like, the crystallized.
Mike
This is not for creme brulee.
Jason
Creme brulee.
Mike
This is not for sauces.
Andy
Yes, we use it for ketchup. A1. Whatever, all the time.
Mike
No, this is. This is a dessert bowl.
Andy
It's so small.
Mike
These are primarily used for baking and serving individual portions of souffles, custards, creme
Jason
brulee, and pot pies, because they are
Andy
also able to go in the.
Mike
Of course. Yeah. So is my giant dish. My giant dish can hold the sauce, too. What are you talking about?
Jason
I put my sauces in a cereal bowl.
Andy
Oh, my gosh.
Jason
Guys are.
Andy
You guys are insane and stupid.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
I just want you to know. You guys are so stupid.
Mike
The edges are way too hard.
Andy
You're uneducated. You. They're too high for soy sauce.
Jason
For ramaking. Ramaking over here.
Mike
Too high for catsup.
Andy
No, you want the dip.
Mike
Mayonnaise.
Andy
Think about. Think about the size of a raising cane sauce cup or whatever you call it. It's like the size of a ramekin.
Mike
No, it's not.
Jason
Yeah, it's like a plastic ramekin. Yes.
Mike
And you know, you're supposed to, like, unwrap those.
Andy
Unwrap them.
Mike
Yeah, Go look that up.
Andy
What are you talking about?
Mike
Look up. People unwrapping the sauce cups, the little ketchup.
Andy
What are you talking.
Mike
Look it up. Go look it up.
Andy
Unwrapping. That's not even something you could do with it.
Mike
What are you talking about?
Andy
You are. What is going on?
Jason
Unwrap what?
Mike
I hate to say it, but Matt's on my side. He understands it.
Andy
You loser.
Jason
What thing are you talking about? The little.
Mike
You go to the fast food place, you get the little ketchup, cup the dip, and squeeze. Yeah, you can unwrap that.
Jason
Oh, yeah, you can unwrap that.
Andy
What do. You can unwrap that.
Mike
You were just attacking me.
Jason
No, I was confused. I. He's talking about the dip and squeeze.
Mike
The little.
Jason
The little one that you can either squeeze the end or open the top.
Mike
Josh says the paper. Josh. Of course it's the paper one.
Jason
But he's thinking of the.
Andy
I'm talking about the normal raisin. Yes.
Jason
What are you.
Andy
What are you talking about, Mike? I was talking about the raising cane sauce. I was specific. Raising canes. I was specific. He was specific. I literally said the raising cane sauce. You're like, people unwrap that. I'm like, what are you talking about?
Mike
I missed the raisin canes one. I'm sorry. I'm talking the normal little cups. You go to like. You go to the sauce dispensary.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
The station.
Andy
The paper ones.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
We. We can't possibly stay here.
Andy
I'll take the ramekin. What was the question?
Jason
I will first. Never heard of ketchup. Be gross. Or the microwave three times as long. I'll take the three times as long microwave.
Andy
I'll take care. I'll take the ketchup. Put it in a ramen.
Mike
I'll go extra ketchup.
Jason
We have to take a break. Collect ourselves. I have great news. Malcolm in the Middle is back.
Andy
My life is fantastic now in a four part event.
Jason
All I had to do is stay completely away from my family. Your biggest problem is that we exist.
Mike
Everyone's invited to the can't miss reunion of the year.
Jason
This family's behavior is toxic to me. You'll just take turns fighting and creating disasters.
Mike
That's what families do.
Jason
Malcolm in the Middle. Life's still unfair. Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers terms apply.
Mike
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Andy
Decisions of extreme importance.
Mike
All right.
Jason
Decisions of extreme importance. I'm going to state a. What would it be like? A statement.
Mike
Allow myself to introduce myself.
Andy
Let me hear something.
Jason
We'll decide if we agree or not. The best way to eat a cupcake is to tear off the bottom and put it on the top, making a frosting sandwich.
Mike
No, no.
Jason
You're not supposed to answer right away. You're not playing the game.
Mike
Give me the count.
Andy
All right.
Jason
Do we all have an answer?
Andy
Yeah, I've got mine.
Jason
So we say yes or no.
Mike
Okay.
Jason
The best way to eat a cupcake is to tear off the bottom and put it on top to make a frosting sandwich. Three, two, one.
Andy
Yes. Yes.
Jason
No, no, no, no.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
The better thing is to tear off the bottom and not eat it at all and just eat the top.
Andy
Okay. All right. Okay, you can bring me over to your side. Quick.
Mike
Whoa.
Andy
Okay, you can bring me over to your quick.
Mike
We're going Seinfeld muffin tops.
Jason
Why do we need to put it on the top?
Mike
Because it's too much. It's too much of a good thing.
Jason
Wrong.
Andy
It's too much. Wrong.
Mike
It's too much.
Andy
The top is the only part that matters.
Jason
Let me ask you this, Mike. Let's say you take a normal cupcake and you add double the stem. Is that too much stem?
Mike
Yes.
Jason
Okay. So at some point, we decided how much stem the ratio is. Some arbiter of stem out there decided how much stem we need, and we need less stem.
Andy
No, they didn't. The ratio is. The ratio is too stem. Right. If you were to make a cupcake tray with half of the stem. Dude, we've got a business.
Jason
Heck, yeah.
Andy
We got a business model.
Mike
We did this joke in Seinfeld.
Jason
No, those were muffins.
Andy
I don't watch Seinfeld.
Jason
This is a cupcake.
Andy
I don't watch Seinfeld.
Mike
What is the difference between a muffin
Jason
and a cupcake frosting?
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Thank you. It's literally nothing frosting. Just the wig that I put on the top.
Andy
Yeah, but the wig being diluted by more Stim.
Jason
We don't need that much stimulus.
Mike
You need it because you need.
Jason
They were taking ramekins and putting them in the oven. Now they got to go half the height.
Mike
Here's the problem. Without it, you're just chewing frosting and half the bread. No, no. You're just chewing frosting.
Andy
Guys, I have.
Mike
It's too much sugar. It's too much frosting for one bite.
Jason
Jason's probably found somebody that makes the half height like.
Mike
It's just like.
Andy
It's just like. Better than that, Andy. Better than that. I am looking for shallow cupcake. Just the same cupcake tins that are just more shallow, less stem. I am not finding them. This is a need that we can fill. This is a business that we can profit on.
Jason
You're saying nobody out there has ever just made them half as tall?
Andy
Not that I can find.
Jason
Is this a cooking quality situation?
Andy
No, the cooking quality is going to be fantastic.
Jason
So you're saying we have until this episode releases to pat.
Mike
You're trying to convince us right now in the year.
Jason
I mean, I.
Mike
Whenever you're listening.
Jason
Nonstick large, shallow muffin.
Andy
I just found it. It says nonstick large.
Jason
I'm pretty sure if someone figured out.
Andy
At Michael's.
Mike
Yeah, at Michael's.
Andy
It's yours.
Mike
At Michael's. It's not even Etsy. It's at Michael's.
Andy
I got to get one of these.
Jason
Here's the other option.
Mike
I will give Walmart.
Jason
I will give you one more option. You want to hear something a little outside the box? You want to keep the stem frosting on both sides, but then there's a thin.
Mike
That's okay.
Jason
I don't care how to eat it
Andy
at that point, you've got to cut it in half and make it a sandwich.
Mike
That's the whole thing about the cupcake is I can eat it with my hands. The cake. I need a fork.
Andy
I will say this on the stem
Jason
is fine if you put frosting inside as well.
Mike
Okay, okay. Now, okay, okay, okay. Totally agree.
Andy
So we're talking. We're talking about, like a Boston cream version of.
Jason
All right, let's get proportions. The cupcakes get the proportions the way we want.
Andy
Frosting should be throughout. Eternal.
Jason
Yeah, I mean, do you like the bite with the frosting in it, Mike? More than the bite without it.
Mike
Here's the thing. What bite of a cupcake are you taking that doesn't have frosting? How are you eating a cupcake?
Jason
You could mismanage the bite.
Mike
How are you possible. The Top is bigger than the bottom. It hangs over. No, because that's why it's called a muffin top.
Andy
The thing. Yeah, we all been there.
Mike
That's why my tummy's called the muffins.
Jason
It's a cupcake. There's no top. There's no hangover.
Andy
Yeah, this is.
Jason
Stop confusing muffins and cupcakes.
Andy
We're not talking about cupcakes.
Jason
You don't know what they are.
Mike
Dude, the cupcake still hangs over a bit.
Jason
No, exhausting does.
Andy
Here's a.
Mike
You can't control where it's gonna go.
Andy
Oftentimes you do have to have a frosting. Control the hang because it hangs over. You can have a frostingless bite on its own.
Jason
Sometimes I eat the bottom off till I get the cupcake on top.
Mike
Okay, well, that's a decision that you acted.
Jason
Let me be not putting it on top.
Andy
Genuine question. If you could have a cupcake that is filled on the inside with the frosting.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
And it can't get all over your face, but every bite is pretty much the same, top to bottom.
Mike
It's called a Twinkie.
Andy
Would you prefer that?
Jason
Yes.
Mike
A Twinkie.
Andy
No.
Mike
Yes.
Andy
No. What? I was describing a cupcake. Either way, you're saying. Yes, you described what?
Mike
Isn't a Ding Dong the same thing?
Jason
Mike, a Twinkie doesn't have frosting on top of. You have no idea what a cupcake is.
Mike
Okay, I've gone to Ding Dong.
Andy
This wouldn't have frosting on top either.
Jason
Wait, what?
Andy
I'm talking about injected. I'm talking about pure injection.
Jason
You're talking about Twinkie.
Andy
Okay. Would you rather have a Twinkie?
Mike
No.
Jason
Of course.
Andy
Twinkies are so good. Twinkies are better than so good.
Jason
They're way better than one ounce of real anything in a Twinkie.
Andy
No, no. Let's say a homemade Twinkie. I made this from scratch. It's the same batter. It's the same.
Jason
Maybe, but why? There's something about it being on top.
Mike
Listen, you're worried about the ingredients of your.
Jason
If you put cheese. If you put a slice of cheese on the top of a burger, or you put cheese inside the burger but not on top. There's a difference in how it tastes.
Mike
Yeah, I agree.
Jason
And that's what happens with frosting. Getting only on the inside, not on the outside. We need it on the outside, too, Jason.
Andy
So you want to inject and top.
Jason
Yes.
Andy
All right. You have me at inject and top.
Mike
I feel like you guys just want Ding Dongs.
Andy
No. There's no frosting on top.
Jason
Ding dongs are not. They're not frosting.
Mike
It's not a smooth frosting, but there is definitely a layer.
Jason
Mike's cupcake. He needs more cupcakes in his life.
Andy
I need more frosting in my life.
Jason
Best way to eat a cupcake is to do that. No, that's not the strategy.
Mike
We're going. The truth is that cupcakes are just.
Andy
Turns out, mid.
Jason
They're not that good no matter what.
Andy
Cupcakes are. Meh.
Jason
You know, I would always take. If you told me I could have one of those, like, you know, the Twinkies or like, an oatmeal cream piece or a cupcake. I'm going to take the oatmeal cream pie style. Like, I don't know. I want to make, like, homemade oatmeal cream pie.
Andy
You're sounding like an idiot, because.
Jason
No, if you can see the frosting
Andy
right away and turn it this.
Jason
Yes, I know you make.
Andy
Yeah, that one is basically, would you rather eat it as an oatmeal cream pie? Okay, so Andy and I are right. The answer is yes. Next question.
Jason
When putting on a hoodie, both hands should go through.
Andy
You make a very strong argument.
Jason
I mean, you say pudding when putting on a hoodie.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
When putting on a hoodie.
Mike
Right.
Jason
Both hands should go through the sleeves before the head goes through the top.
Mike
Oh, hold on.
Andy
Let me think. Okay, we got to take an audio break here as we try to visualize.
Mike
Why do you need to go to the bathroom?
Andy
No, I need to put on a hoodie. Excuse me one second.
Mike
Okay, Jason is put. And Andy is. Yes.
Andy
Yeah, yeah.
Jason
Yes, for sure. Both hands.
Mike
I'm trying to work through it.
Andy
Take your time, man. Take your time. Close your eyes. Visualize.
Mike
How do I.
Andy
You got a hoodie in front of you.
Mike
How do I do it?
Jason
Do you need to go get a hoodie?
Mike
No. Do you ever go head first?
Jason
I have.
Andy
I have. But there's a right way and a wrong way.
Jason
You want a polo?
Andy
Do you want the hoodie?
Mike
Here I go to. I go. I think I go two sleeves.
Andy
Then we have two sleeves, and then.
Jason
Yeah, yeah.
Andy
So that is the right way we answered it.
Jason
The proper way to eat corn on the cob is in straight rows, not by rotating it randomly.
Andy
Okay, one. Wait, wait, wait.
Mike
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Now I go to him. Now I got to think of this. I'm eating a corn on the cob.
Jason
The proper way is the question. The way they're putting It.
Mike
How are we talking a half or a full? This matters.
Jason
A full.
Mike
This is a full cob.
Jason
Full cob.
Andy
Full cob.
Mike
Full cob. That's never go full cop. It's very horizontal. People frequently go half cob.
Andy
It's a big cob. Okay. You're gonna eat this big cob.
Jason
Are you using those two sticks in the end?
Andy
Yes, of course. Because mine came three. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Mike
Hold on, hold on, hold on. The way this is worded is in straight rows.
Jason
Yeah. Supposed to just randomly.
Mike
We're doing this like a typewriter. We're going.
Andy
That's right. Rows are a typewriter. Rows are left to right or right to left.
Jason
3, 2, 1.
Andy
Yes.
Mike
Yes.
Andy
No, proper.
Jason
The proper way.
Andy
Proper is not proper way. No.
Mike
So what are you doing on this?
Andy
I'm going columns.
Mike
Monster.
Andy
No, no, no. I start on the left and I eat around.
Jason
I wish I could curse on this show.
Andy
No, no, no. If you. I'm telling you, you probably do too. You guys need to reevaluate how you eat a core.
Mike
I probably do. I think you do.
Andy
And I think Andy does too. No one eats it all the way over before turning. You eat in a.
Jason
You eat like that.
Andy
What?
Jason
You look like just there. You look like an idiot.
Mike
I eat an Alphabet, not numbers.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Yes.
Jason
Yes. I.
Mike
That's a sick Google.
Jason
There's a chance I eat the way you think in a full cob. If I go full cob, half cob.
Andy
We only were talking. We established half cob. We said big time.
Jason
You go left to right on a half cob.
Andy
I don't know.
Mike
I don't. I go the direction I read it
Andy
will be left to right.
Jason
They go right.
Mike
Oh, I'm not reading a manga. I'm eating a corn on the cob.
Andy
The truth is, in English, when you eat a corn on the cob, your bite your next bite after your first one. The next one after your first one is below where your first one was. Everybody.
Jason
Okay, hold on. We need to take a breath. Matt has said that eating on the cob sucks. Are you telling me that corn on the cob you'd rather eat like canned
Mike
corn off the cob?
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Gross.
Jason
Go away.
Andy
Listen, my youngest child has braces. He needs it. Cut off the cob and you can be just like him.
Jason
There is nothing you can be a child. There's nothing better than corn on the cob. I don't know why it's better on the cob.
Mike
Corn off the cob is stupid. Here's the thing. You ever eaten corn off the cob and gotten corn stuck in your teeth?
Andy
Yes.
Mike
No. You're a liar, Jason.
Andy
I'm lying.
Mike
I know you were.
Andy
You called me out quickly.
Mike
As for my point, that's, that's the biggest issue.
Jason
When I grew up, I needed all corn.
Mike
It gets crammed in the crevices, but
Andy
I, I have tools for that.
Jason
Yeah, we got the.
Andy
I got them at work.
Jason
You don't eat popcorn.
Andy
I got them at home.
Jason
Popcorn gets everywhere.
Andy
You don't eat beef jerky. Beef jerky gets sometimes.
Mike
What is this argument? Straw man.
Jason
Get out of here.
Andy
It's not a straw man. Foods are worth it 100%.
Mike
I don't, I don't like the amount of high fiving that's going on.
Andy
Get on our level, man. But my point is this, Andy. After you take your first bite and
Jason
I'll say any you're thinking, I'm going.
Andy
You're going to take your next bite will be below your first bite.
Jason
I'm diagonal.
Andy
No, you're not.
Mike
I'm purely.
Andy
You are way too Taipei to go diagonal. I could be diagonal. You would never.
Jason
You are like full stick of butter, right?
Andy
Yeah. Okay, well, you take a full stick of butter, you put it on like a plate, then you put those little things in the.
Mike
What's your preferred. Do you want it to be corn? Do you want it to be a character? I used to like, we had Mickey and Minnie growing up.
Andy
I used to like the corn that looked like corn that goes in, that goes into the. Now I've got more like plush. Nice handles.
Mike
Oh, my God. Okay, describe the handles.
Jason
He's got like an actual handle.
Andy
Yeah, it's like. It's like a black and yellow.
Mike
No, but like multi finger. What are we talking about here? It's like a single finger goes in.
Andy
No, no, you don't go inside.
Jason
You're just like a teapot.
Andy
Each side is a nice plush like 2 inch hand.
Mike
Would it be better to have a giant grip? Oh, like, like a full hand.
Andy
Yeah. Where you don't have to turn and
Jason
grab the end of a baseball bat.
Andy
Yeah, but, but I think what he's saying is instead of having it turned
Mike
towards the cob, I'm saying if you're flat out.
Andy
If your hands could grip something.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Almost like a Nintendo Switch. Like a Nintendo Switch.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Or flying a helicopter.
Andy
Or it's a yoke and you push those things in. That'd be.
Jason
I feel like we want to be here. We don't want to be here.
Andy
I want to be here when I hold it, But I think you're right. When I eat.
Mike
What if it were giant Harley handlebars
Andy
and you had to hold it up here?
Jason
That's nice. The Harley.
Andy
The Harley. Dude. Harley on the cob.
Jason
Dude, that place will blow up.
Andy
But I'm telling you, the proper way to eat corn on the cob. Now, the question is in straight rows, not by rotating it randomly. I think they might have made a mistake because rows are left to right, columns are top to bottom.
Mike
Right.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Rose is incorrect. However, I think the heart. The spirit of the question is, do you eat them in line?
Jason
In an organized fashion.
Andy
In an organized fashion. And the answer to that is yes, but not call. Not Rose. Not Rose.
Mike
I believe I do columns.
Jason
You should open presents one at a time so everyone can watch. Not a free for all.
Andy
I've got a strong opinion.
Mike
Oh, man, that's. This is tough. One at it.
Andy
I've got mine locked.
Jason
See, if you just. There's so much context. All right. You should open presents one at a time so everyone can watch. Not a free for all. Three, two, one.
Andy
Yes. Yeah, because we're parents.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Because we spent all the money on these gifts.
Mike
This is not how my Christmas goes.
Andy
No, you're in charge, Michael.
Mike
Nope.
Andy
Oh, am I?
Mike
Am I, Jason?
Andy
I guess not. I apologize. That's. That's hard.
Mike
The boss is in charge at home.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
I.
Mike
As. As a youth growing up, I was in a one at a time family. I am now in a family of it's one present at a time, but everyone gets one. And then we get say go.
Jason
Yeah, actually, that's fine.
Andy
That's okay.
Jason
That's okay. That is through the morning.
Andy
Yeah, I think that's fine. The problem is with that. You really have to sync up the total number of days per person. You can fib a little bit.
Mike
Total. We making sure that everything is total. Sometimes people open a present in our house where it's like, there's six things in here.
Jason
Oh. To even it out.
Mike
Yeah. You're like, no, don't worry. All that stuff definitely goes together.
Andy
You're like, okay, we're gonna have to shove some stuff together.
Mike
This one's. This one's book. Socks and a motorcycle. Put it all together.
Andy
This one's short. So what can we wrap? You got some socks we can wrap. That'll be his first open.
Jason
Every president should time release every five minutes, Then you could just space.
Mike
That would be nice.
Jason
The majority of showers should happen in the morning, not at night. The majority of showers should happen in the morning, not at night. Three, two, one.
Mike
No.
Andy
No. Both of you are. No.
Jason
I used to be a morning. I'm almost. I would say 95% of my showers are at night now, so.
Andy
You would. But you think people should stink during the day when they're with other people and then be clean by themselves at night in their bed.
Mike
What is happening during the night, over the night, what do you do you get stinky.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Your entire life is lived.
Jason
I thought you lived in a super bed.
Andy
I do.
Jason
That just keeps you nice and cool. What, you sweating all over yourself?
Andy
Yeah. Not everybody lives in my super bed.
Jason
You poop yourself at night.
Andy
Do you live in a super bed? No. So then you're stinky in the morning.
Jason
I'm not. I've fallen in love with the night shower. I've fallen in love with it. I love going to bed clean, perfectly clean. And like, my proportion of sweat is always as far away as I am from the last shower I took. I will shower. I will like, sweat more and more and more. So I like.
Andy
I sleep better versus waiting shower mostly at night.
Mike
I honestly, right now, almost all my showers are like the evening after workout.
Jason
I will say if I work out in the afternoon, that's my shower of the day.
Mike
Yep.
Andy
See, this is when I work out
Jason
today, and then I'll go take a
Andy
shower when I work out in the morning. And so I shower after that. So I think the real answer to this question is work out after you or shower after you work out.
Mike
I do agree the majority of showers,
Jason
I don't mind two showers. Either if I need a second shower or I want to do my hair that next morning, I'm gonna hop in
Andy
even if I don't need it. I'm gonna tell you right now, if I shower at night. My biggest problem with showering at night is it robs me of a morning
Jason
shower and you are in control of your life.
Andy
So I can shower at night, wake up fresh, and go, I will soon. I want another shower.
Jason
Although your shower is like 45 minutes each, so I understand the time constraints.
Andy
Yeah, it's tough. It's a hard, hard knock life.
Mike
Well, this may not be an issue. I feel like we've talked about shower towels and someone had like, fresh. That might have been Jeremy, who was just like, has a fresh shower towel every time he steps into the bathroom.
Jason
I do not at all.
Mike
So the issue with the multiple showers
Jason
also Jason probably no def.
Andy
I wish it was not me.
Mike
I was pretty sure it was. It was. Al, the issue is when you go to shower again and your towel's still
Jason
kind of damp, moist towel.
Mike
It feels.
Jason
You need to grab a nap.
Mike
That feels kind of gross. Oh, I'm never grabbing.
Jason
Let me tell you my towel situation. Right now. We have. I have one special towel that is like bigger, softer, nicer.
Mike
So it's like a. It's the Jason.
Jason
It's not the best sheet. I've gotten that before. It's bigger, though. It's wonderful. I. I don't know why. I don't know why I've never bought another one. I just have one I like.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
And sometimes I push it. I'm like, I gotta get this thing washed. But I didn't really want to wash it. I want to throw it in our to be washed bucket.
Andy
Oh.
Jason
And then I switched. Then I. Then I back. I have my backup towel. But, dude, I've been on this backup towel for like two weeks. Nobody's washing this other towel.
Andy
Oh, man.
Jason
And I'm like holding out for her to wash nobody.
Mike
If only we do someone who could watch.
Jason
I'm trying not to go wash the towels.
Mike
Why?
Jason
Because I'm holding out.
Mike
Just go watch the towel.
Jason
Because it's become a battle.
Mike
Oh, it's the super who's gonna do it. Yeah, Raymond.
Jason
I mean, there's no. There's no vitriol with it. I'm just kind of like, how long is it gonna take for.
Andy
You just need to be the winner.
Mike
Yeah, just go watch.
Jason
I bet when she hears this, it'll still be in the closet. All right, we're gonna go ahead and take another break. We'll be back with our draft.
Mike
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Jason
All right, here we go. I talked about it earlier. We are drafting things that you would want in a tree house. I mean the treehouse was kind of the most iconic cool possible hangout. As a kid I had a couple of friends who had like, they didn't have the tree house because we didn't have giant trees where we were living. But they had the like raised above ground fort.
Mike
They have the, they had the swing set that also had the little house,
Jason
but it was raised. If you have a ladder to go up to it.
Andy
Yeah, sure.
Jason
It made it cool. So I mean the idea of having your own fort hideout as a kid, your own place, like what do we
Andy
think of since we grew up in Arizona and we don't really have big enough trees to really build nice tree houses easily. What do we think? Like, what's the first image that comes to mind when you think of a tree house? An actual tree house. I wonder if it's the same for all of us.
Jason
Like where is it from a movie?
Andy
Like from a movie or anything.
Mike
Mine's different now.
Jason
Home alone is what comes.
Andy
All I see is sandlot.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
All I see now is eight bit Christmas.
Andy
Okay, so we've got different ideas of our ideal.
Jason
Obviously, the higher the better. If It's a kid's treehouse. And I prefer. When I picture it, I want the ladder going up the middle. You come up the middle of the treehouse.
Andy
Oh, inside.
Jason
Inside.
Mike
Well, that. I mean, I'll go with the first pick. And I mean, what a draft to have the first pick. Because there's no way that you guys don't want this.
Andy
There is a one on one.
Mike
What?
Andy
I'll take it after you.
Mike
Okay, that's fine. There's not a one. But I'm gonna go with trapdoor. I'm gonna start it off with that. Because that's because you are correct.
Jason
Yeah. You wait.
Mike
If you're going up into a tree house and you're climbing up in the tree and you're going ding dong and opening a door, that's bull crap.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
No, you're climbing up through the trap
Andy
to come up through the middle. Now the trap door, can you pull the ladder up?
Jason
Yes.
Andy
The trap door is really just for safety. Once you're on the inside, technically, you could go up. You know what I mean? Like, if you think about it, it's kind of a problem coming up and in. Yeah, but it's. Once you're in, it's like, oh, good, I can't fall out the hole in the middle of the tree house.
Jason
Technically, you can go up into a treehouse with just a rope with the knots in it.
Andy
If you need to, you can.
Jason
Well, I mean, as a kid. Okay. I mean, a garage door could lift me as a kid, so. But no. So you're going trapdoor, I'm going trapdoor.
Andy
I'll take the most important thing for all kids when they hang out and have fun with friends. I'm gonna take a snack stash. I mean, come on. What you want up in that treehouse? That's the snacks.
Jason
I had candy and snacks.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
My desert domain, we never had snacks.
Andy
Yeah, but I'll bet you'd be real.
Mike
No, I thought that was cool alliteration right now.
Andy
It was so cool.
Mike
It was dangerous.
Jason
So I got two picks.
Mike
Could be rattlesnakes.
Andy
But you know what? You don't have snack stash.
Jason
I don't have a snack stash. I gotta go. I'm gonna go, like new and old, combination of entertainment. All right, I'm gonna combo. I got comic books. Because comic books just belong in a treehouse. Yeah, I got comic books. And then I'm gonna go, tv. I'm gonna go. I smuggle a little TV into the. I don't know if I need an Extension cord running up the tree. But do you want sort of tv, video games you want to turn on?
Mike
Yeah, you're gonna need an extension cord.
Jason
So the entertainment. I'm like, bunny rabbit. It's probably bunny ears, but I could hook up a little Nintendo to it.
Andy
All right.
Mike
Yeah. I mean, we're talking rc.
Jason
It's. What do I want? What do I want there? I want to go hide out and play some Super Mario World.
Andy
All right, it's back to me.
Jason
So it is Snack stash.
Andy
I got a snack stash. And I think one of the important things, because, look, not all tree houses are built the same. I'm sure the ones that we are envisioning right now, they're up high, they're far away, they're isolated.
Mike
Well, they're not.
Andy
They're away from parents.
Mike
I think it might be in your backyard.
Andy
Might be. But it feels probably like a different world.
Jason
Could be in the woods.
Andy
I'm going to take what is essentially binoculars. But no, no, it's a spyglass. No, it's got to be.
Mike
The periscope is on my list, dude.
Andy
Yeah, you got to be able to check out who's coming. You gotta see. Check your surroundings, man. Yeah, I'm not getting caught off guard.
Mike
Gosh darn it.
Jason
That's a good.
Andy
I'm not like, no way. No one is knocking on my trapdoor. Mike's trap door. And I'm like, does that mean your
Jason
periscope has to go down?
Andy
Well, I'm just. I'm looking out the side. I'm looking at the side with a spy.
Jason
No, you don't need to look up in the trees.
Mike
I feel like by.
Andy
Look for birds.
Mike
I feel like by definition, periscope has to go up.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
What's it called if the scope goes down?
Andy
Bariscope.
Jason
I don't know. I just wondered, like. I wondered what that looked like. So, Mike, you have a trapdoor essential.
Mike
All right, see what we got. Snacks. You took my periscope. So, I mean, you need. You're gonna be up there. You're gonna be up there a while. You gotta. Gotta be able to relax.
Jason
Of course.
Mike
I need a beanbag.
Jason
Okay, guys, you got a beanbag.
Mike
I need a beanbag for sure.
Jason
Well, it's not fun to get up there, man. When you're using on the way up there. It's hard stuff to get it up.
Mike
It's. Well, no. What? A beanbag is light as air.
Jason
Okay.
Mike
What kind of beanbags are you using?
Andy
Sorry. But dad. Dad is bringing the beanbag Up.
Jason
Okay.
Mike
What kind of beanbags are you guys using?
Jason
Did you carry a lot of bean bags up ladders as a kid?
Mike
No, but I had plenty of them and around in my room. They're heavy.
Andy
My. My son has had two different beanbags, and they are both super heavy.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
Then you have new, fancy technology beanbags
Jason
because they're filled with beans.
Mike
No, they're filled with the tire. Little styrofoam balls.
Jason
Okay, you got light. A light beanbag, I guess. Next pick.
Mike
So I've got that. And then I don't know where it's going to go. It's just going to go into a little different part of the tree. I have a rope bridge. I got a fancy rope bridge, so I can go over to maybe a little escape hatch or just maybe there's a little crow's nest.
Jason
I feel like you're very architectural with your picks. Like, all of yours are pretty. I mean, a trapdoor, beanbag, sit, walk, place to enter. Okay.
Mike
You got to utilize things to eat. Yeah.
Andy
I mean, the way to watch people.
Mike
I didn't get that.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
All right, Jason, you are up with another pick for your things you want in your treehouse.
Andy
Well, Mike's got a way to get up, a way to get out.
Mike
Yep.
Andy
I'm gonna take a way to get down. I want a zip line.
Mike
Oh, come on, baby. Come on.
Andy
Oh, parents are coming up. I'm out of here.
Mike
Zipline is definitely on my list.
Jason
It's on my list, too. It's all my.
Andy
The ultimate escape, the ultimate fun. It's a reason to go in the treehouse. I'm gonna go up there, have some snacks. Zipline.
Jason
Yeah. Yeah. No, that's. That's your treehouse. Sounds fun right now.
Andy
Yeah. You're gonna all want to come to my trip. I might not have a trap board
Mike
or anywhere to sit.
Andy
Well, we only come up eating.
Mike
This is standing room only.
Andy
That's right. All right, I got two palm tree. Mike, this is Arizona. You guys haven't seen palm tree houses.
Jason
My first pick, I'm actually going to go walkie talkies. Oh.
Andy
So I was all, I thought I was going walkie talkies with my last pick until I thought of the zip line. Walkie talkie is a great pick. I mean, communication is key.
Jason
Yeah. And, you know, from you to your friend's house, from the neighboring tree house that your friend built, whatever the case may be, walkie talkies just seem to be able to communicate in the treehouse. Although, man, I don't know if anybody's ever invented a walkie talkie whose battery doesn't run out within about 15 minutes. They're still working.
Andy
I feel like they should be able to be a little. Just a little clearer than.
Mike
The thing is, they have them now, but also, you don't need walkie talkies anymore.
Jason
So I'm gonna go walkie talkie
Andy
over. I go to snacks.
Jason
Where do I install this periscope we
Andy
have up at our cabin? We've got walkie talkies that we make our kids take because there's bears in the woods and things like, we make them take walkie talkies to the bears. There's a bear here in case something is going on.
Mike
Just letting you know in case. Now approaching. It was a bear.
Andy
Let's say a kid sprangs an ankle. Okay. And they want to. But it's like, you can't understand if
Mike
you are walkie talking about the bear, it is too late.
Andy
No, it could be during running. I'm running from the bear.
Mike
I got bad news. If you're running from the bear, it's too late.
Jason
And I look, I have a lot of other picks, and I'm kind of sad. I zipline.
Mike
You have one more pick.
Jason
I know. I'm gonna go. I think it's a flashlight. This is
Mike
spooky ghost stories.
Andy
I would have taken the lantern. Oh, where are you lighting? Like, off on the ground or what? Just gonna light a little spot in your.
Jason
In your treehouse for reading the comic books.
Andy
Okay, you can't do that from a lantern. You can.
Jason
You're gonna bring up. You're gonna bring a flashlight, a fire
Andy
lantern up into an LED lantern.
Jason
What a lame pick. All right, I'm going. So I got comic books, tv, walkie talkie, flashlight, and some honorable mentions we'll get to.
Andy
Yeah, no, I do have a couple of fun ones, but I'm gonna take. Look, I got something fun to eat while I'm up there. I got a way to get down. I can scope out my enemies, sure. But you want to know what I can't do without this next pick with my enemies that I spot down there?
Jason
Oh, no. You're on right now.
Andy
I'm getting a slingshot.
Mike
Yes.
Jason
We've been up the greatest decision.
Andy
I'm up there. You don't know where it's coming from.
Mike
It was the wrong version of the pick, but, yeah, you ruined. My last pick was the water balloon sling.
Jason
I had water balloons.
Andy
Sure.
Mike
A slingshot. No, you need. No, no, no. You need. It's. It's posted on the window. And this is. You can pull it all the way back. You're saying you're talking this. This thing could cover 100ft easily, but you have a regular boring slingshot.
Jason
I thought about it.
Andy
Come on. Come on by, see if.
Mike
Yeah, well, it's still gonna hurt me.
Jason
I thought about a BB gun. Other ones that I had on here.
Andy
Mike still. Yeah.
Mike
Now I got to finish without my water.
Jason
You didn't take the water balloon thing?
Mike
No, because he took a slingshot.
Jason
I thought you took it.
Mike
It's too close. So let's see here. With my last pick, it's more. Hey, it's a sentimental pick. At the end of the day, at the end of the years.
Andy
You want photos of mom?
Mike
No.
Andy
Oh, okay.
Mike
But you want to know who's been up in the. In the treehouse.
Jason
Okay.
Mike
You want your autograph wall man.
Jason
If you've been up in this architectural.
Mike
If you have come and done your time inside, you sign the wall, okay? You let people know.
Andy
Do they sign it with a marker? Do they carve it into the wood like they got a. Yeah.
Jason
Do you get the wall or the.
Mike
I'm just going to Sharpie, okay? I don't have 10 years for them.
Andy
Hurry up already.
Mike
Can't believe you took slingshot.
Jason
I almost drafted the no trespassing sign. Or the secret club sign.
Andy
No parents allowed sign.
Mike
He man. Woman haters club.
Jason
The Bluetooth speaker. I thought Mike might take.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
For listening to some music up there.
Mike
I didn't want to go too modern.
Andy
On my list was the can. The tin can string. But you took walkie talkies, which is just better. But, like, I feel like OG at one point in time. That. That was a pretty cool thing. Before our time.
Jason
Does that work?
Mike
I mean, a little bit.
Jason
Okay.
Andy
A little bit more than the water.
Jason
Yell loud enough, it works.
Mike
Well, I had a hammock.
Jason
Oh, that's not bad.
Andy
I feel like that's down on the ground or. I mean, it's obviously not on the
Mike
ground, but you don't want to.
Andy
You don't want to hammock inside the tree.
Mike
Nowhere to lay down or sit in
Jason
your tree house Would have worked.
Mike
Yes.
Jason
Sleeping bag would have been good.
Andy
I've got an old radio.
Jason
Just.
Andy
And then just games.
Mike
What about a new radio?
Andy
This. Tree houses are old.
Jason
Oh, yeah. Board games.
Andy
Yeah, just board games. You've got at least comic books to read, something to do.
Jason
I thought about the BB gum, but I feel like that's a little much.
Mike
Well, you got the slingshot. Yeah. I had a Murphy bed.
Andy
Murphy bed.
Mike
Well, maybe you want to sleep, but maybe you want to save space.
Jason
My treehouse sounds sick.
Andy
Your treehouse is humongous. It's a three bedroom.
Jason
It is like with a hammock in one room.
Mike
You can't fit just a regular single box.
Jason
Mike.
Andy
You can't fit a regular bed, but you can fit a Murphy bed.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Eventually it's got to come down.
Jason
We were growing up. The Murphy beds were heavy, but his, they can get them right up.
Mike
Yeah, well, that one, no, that one's a little bit more of a problem. We use bags. Stand by it.
Andy
What did we learn today?
Jason
Oh, I mean, I honestly, I feel like I learned that Jason knows how to build a nice tree house. I kind of want to hang out at his place.
Andy
Thank you.
Jason
It's pretty good.
Mike
I learned that you guys don't know how much a beanbag weighs.
Jason
It's not an easy thing for a kid to get up a ladder.
Mike
I'm not buying my beanbags at whatever Lovesac or whatever that store is.
Jason
Beanbags were hard for kids to lift the song above your head.
Andy
No, they're not on a rope ladder.
Mike
It's fine.
Jason
People know.
Mike
Goodbye.
Jason
Goodbye.
Andy
Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com.
Jason
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Episode: "Cupcake Conflict & Things You'd Want in a Treehouse"
Release Date: April 13, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason
This episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast is a high-energy, laugh-filled dive into nostalgic childhood debates, "decisions of extreme importance", and humorous drafts. The central theme is a playful argument about the best way to eat cupcakes (the "Cupcake Conflict") and an imaginative draft of the coolest things to have in a treehouse. Along the way, Andy, Mike, and Jason riff on everyday annoyances, parenting quirks, life hacks, and plenty of absurd hypotheticals, keeping the banter quick and witty.
Shoelaces vs. Tires: Would you rather your shoelaces become untied every 15 minutes or have to refill all four car tires with air every week?
Garage Door Dilemma:
Gross Ketchup or Slow Microwave:
Cupcake Eating Method ("Cupcake Conflict," 28:09):
Hoodie Protocol:
Corn on the Cob:
Gift-Opening Etiquette:
Shower Timing:
On the state of tire tech:
Cupcake Proportions Epiphany:
Corn Handle Innovation:
Weaponizing the Treehouse:
For listeners new and old, this episode is a classic mix of nostalgia, quick wit, and goofy wisdom — perfect for a smile and maybe some inspiration for your next “important” household or treehouse debate.