The Brain King & Things We'd Like To Be Famous For - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode 310: The Brain King & Things We'd Like To Be Famous For - Spit Hits!
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason
Date: July 2, 2026

---

Episode Overview

In this lively episode, the Spitballers serve up another hilarious round of off-the-cuff conversations, diving deep into topics ranging from “would you rather” workplace dilemmas to the dubious appeal of animal poops and culminating in a draft of things the guys wish they could be famous for. As always, Andy, Mike, and Jason riff with each other in a clean, family-friendly, and wildly irreverent style that has won them two Comedy Podcast of the Year awards.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

---

1. Belt Technology and Wardrobe Malfunctions

[01:48–05:24]

• Mike shares his struggle with a new "hot" belt that functions like a seatbelt with minimal stretch, and the guys riff about the folly of belts in general.
• Jason: “Belts are fashion. If belts are keeping your pants on, your pants are the wrong size.” (03:45)
• They discuss sagging pants, the trampoline test, and belts as pure fashion vs. functionality.
• Memorable Quote:
  Mike: “The fashion that infringes movement is very comedic to me. It's just like, I want to look so cool that I am uncomfortable.” (04:57)

---

2. Would You Rather: Children’s Daycare vs. Doggy Daycare

[06:00–11:15]

• Prompt: Would you rather work three hours per day at a children's daycare, or six hours at a doggy daycare?
• Andy warns about "yapper" dogs causing chaos.
• Jason: “At a children’s daycare, there is always a crier at all points of the day.” (07:25)
• Weighing pros and cons: germs vs. fleas, potty accidents, and sick days.
• Andy: “The germs. You're gonna get sicker at the daycare in three hours than you will from the dogs.” (08:54)
• All three settle on choosing the children’s daycare—less time and the potential for snacks, juice boxes, and nap time.

---

3. Would You Rather: Sloth vs. Otter as a Pet

[11:43–20:09]

• The trio hilariously struggle to distinguish otters, ferrets, and seals.
• Andy: “I confuse otters and seals, and after googling, that’s a lot more similar than I thought to a ferret.” (12:54)
• They learn otters can smell, and that otter poop—called “spraints”—supposedly smells like violets or jasmine tea.
  • Andy: “Did you just make some jasmine tea? No, that’s my otter. He just took a dump.” (15:56)
• Sloths are slow, non-smelly, and only poop once a week.
• They misidentify sloth poop as “coprolite” (which is actually fossilized feces, corrected at [20:59]).
• The whole panel ultimately votes for sloth as the superior, lower-maintenance, and more adorable pet.
  • Jason: “If a sloth hurts you, that's on you, man.” (20:29)
  • Andy (on sloth attacks): “I recommend the big step back.” (20:56)

---

4. Is This Real Life?

[22:19–32:02]

A segment where each host shares a bizarre real-life news story:

• Jason: A flight attendant on a 16-hour Hong Kong–NY flight had to hold up a broken bathroom door the entire trip. (23:11–24:45)
• Mike: NASA scientists stymied by “wind blowing out of Uranus” during Voyager 2's visit messing up data. The guys can't resist the puns. (25:13–26:20)
  • Andy: “How did they ever land on that name [Uranus]?” (26:20)
• Andy: A New Jersey man decapitates a seagull after it stole his daughter’s fry—discussing animal aggression, legality, and the relative beauty of seagulls vs. other birds. (27:19–32:02)
  • Jason: “A seagull is like a sea pigeon.” (30:34)
  • Mike (consults ChatGPT): “Objectively, I would rate the beauty of a seagull...six out of ten.” (31:21–31:30)

---

5. The Spitballers Draft: Things We’d Like to Be Famous For

[33:32–48:22]

A Snake Draft where each picks four things they'd love to be famous for (besides podcasting!)

• Andy’s Picks:

  1. Actor
     • “I grew up wanting to be an actor.” (34:21)
  2. President of the United States
  3. Stand-Up Comedian
  4. Tech Entrepreneur
     • “I want to change the world… in addition to being rich.” (49:19)

• Mike’s Picks:

  1. World’s Sexiest Man
  2. Famous Athlete (football/baseball)
  3. Highest IQ (aka “The Brain King”)
     • Jason: “You may call me the Brain King.” (42:51)
  4. King (of anywhere)
     • Mike: “I am the King.” (45:56)

• Jason’s Picks:

  1. Rockstar
  2. Richest Person (famous for being rich)
  3. Famous Explorer (modern day: space traveler)
  4. Most Accurate Meteorologist
     • “Imagine the power—if you’ve never gotten a forecast wrong...you’d be the most dangerous person on Earth.” (45:03)

• The trio riff hilariously on the perks, challenges, and realities of these famous statuses, from the glamour and risk of rockstardom to the power (and responsibility) of being the “Brain King.”

• Some honorable mentions: Olympic champion, Nobel Prize winner, notorious for an epic fart, world’s greatest author.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mike (on his new belt): “It's like a warning system. You ate too much ice cream after lunch.” (03:10)
• Jason (on dog daycare): “Once a dog is potty trained, it doesn’t want to go there. If it takes a dump in the play area, it's like...you didn't let the dog go out.” (09:22)
• Andy (on being president): “My platform is one that you want. My entire running platform is to give you what you want. And who doesn’t want what they want?” (39:59)
• Mike (on world’s sexiest man): “You want what you can’t get. Unachievable. Like, you still think you can be an actor, but world’s sexiest man? Uh….” (35:51)
• Jason (on Brain King): “The Brain King has exposed brain for sure. It’s his crown.” (42:58)
• Andy (on King vs. President): “While I will do amazing things as president…the job would be way more fun as king. The king does what he wants.” (47:15–47:37)

---

Interesting Timestamps

• Belt Discussion & Fashion Philosophy: [01:48–05:24]
• Would You Rather (Daycare Dilemma): [06:00–11:15]
• Sloth vs. Otter as Pets: [11:43–20:09]
• Naming Animal Poops: [14:51–21:25]
• Weird News ('Is This Real Life?') Segment: [22:19–32:02]
• Fame Draft Begins: [33:32–48:22]
• Best/Weirdest Things to Be Famous For: [48:22–50:28]
• Wrap-up/Learned Today: [50:44–51:09]

---

Tone & Style

The conversation is lively, packed with relentless dad-joke energy, playful jabs, spontaneous riffs, and real friendship chemistry. The trio’s ability to chase each other's tangents keeps the episode fresh and unpredictable. Even facts about animal poop or the legality of killing seagulls get the Spitballers’ signature comedic spin.

---

Listener Takeaway

This episode is a perfect blend of absurd hypotheticals, relatable life gripes, and legendary improv banter. If you enjoy clean, family-friendly comedy that doesn’t take itself too seriously, it’s a must-listen—especially for fans curious about which surprisingly weird things people (and animals) can become known for, and what the trio would truly love to be (in)famous for.

---

For more Spitballers nonsense, visit: SpitballersPod.com

Transcript

[Andy]

Spit Watts. I can tell you firsthand. Hiring the right person or hiring the wrong person makes all the difference. Indeed Sponsored Jobs helps you find candidates who move your business forward when workplace chaos hits and the right hire becomes urgent. This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs. Your post gets visibility boost so it's seen by candidates who match your criteria. Spend more time interviewing candidates who check all your boxes with Indeed Sponsored Jobs. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at Indeed.com podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire. This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs.

[Mike]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile.

[Jason]

Now.

[Mike]

I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for a 12 month plan. Required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy. See terms.

[Andy]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics probably deserve. It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Jason]

Okay, there we go. There we go. All right, we got there.

[Andy]

I tried to use my phones.

[Jason]

Well, you did. Very successful.

[Mike]

Welcome in one and all to the Spitballers, episode 310. I'm gonna tell you a story, guys. I bought a new belt.

[Jason]

Okay, okay. What was the. Hold on, hold on. You said backstory. What's wrong with the old belt?

[Mike]

It's just been a long, long time. It's just worn down and it's just an old belt. It still fits.

[Andy]

Okay, that was the question. It's like, what's the.

[Mike]

Cause belts have this built in mechanism, these little holes and you can move them around so it's like fatter, skinnier, whatever. But I wanted a new belt and there's this hot new belt. Oh, it's like the one and it like.

[Jason]

There's a hot belt and it's sweeping the nation.

[Mike]

It's really nice. It just clasps unclasp.

[Jason]

But you like a seat belt.

[Mike]

You preset it to like your size.

[Jason]

Okay, so it's a seatbelt and then

[Mike]

it's got a. Yeah, it's kind of like a seat belt. It's got a little Bit of small amount of stretch to it, right? A really small amount, but it's a nice belt. But when you preset your belt size pre eating, if you preset, I mean, because it's not quick to adjust, you just adjust it to where you want it.

[Andy]

Right.

[Mike]

And it takes a little time. And then you wear this belt and then you eat food at different amounts of time during the day, and it's like a warning system. You ate too much ice cream after lunch.

[Andy]

Yeah, I mean, there are plenty of times where the pants fit. The pants fit fine. And then those same pants is like, oh, that button's got to go. That button's got to come unto you.

[Mike]

So it's red alerting me right now because I had a little ice cream at lunch.

[Andy]

Why don't you just give it a little click, Push that seatbelt button in. Relax, brother.

[Mike]

You want me to take the eject?

[Andy]

Yeah, just eject.

[Jason]

Eject that belly.

[Andy]

There you. There it is.

[Jason]

Belt, sir.

[Mike]

Such a good idea.

[Jason]

Now, do your pants require that belt?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So the pants don't fit.

[Mike]

Is that your interpretation of that?

[Andy]

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Belts are fashion. Belts are not supposed to keep your pants on. If belts are keeping your pants on, your pants are the wrong size.

[Mike]

Well, I mean, I don't know about that because sometimes you just want it to fit a little bit nicer. I mean, the pants fit, but it's a little bit loose. Like, I feel like they'll slide down.

[Andy]

Just like if you were. If you were on a trampoline, I

[Mike]

could live the day without it.

[Andy]

Would those pants come down?

[Jason]

Ooh, the trampoline test.

[Mike]

I mean, the trampoline test is ridiculous.

[Andy]

And maybe I'm talking one of the small personal trampolines where you're doing.

[Mike]

They're not going to show off any of the goods. They're just going to slip.

[Andy]

Okay, well, I mean, what.

[Mike]

Not all the way down. Not all the way down. Just like you're saggy, like you're lowrider. Cool kid from. From grade school.

[Jason]

Just belts.

[Mike]

Wasn't that the greatest trend ever?

[Jason]

What, sagging?

[Mike]

Yeah, it's just like, I'm too cool. I'm too cool for my pants to fit.

[Andy]

There was definitely a period of time where the sagging got out of control. Like, way out of control. Where it was like, it was how below your nipple.

[Jason]

It was below your butt.

[Mike]

It was below your butt.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. I mean, it was like, wait, I see all of your underwear and some leg, then your pants.

[Mike]

The fashion that infringes Movement is very comedic to me. It's just like I want to look so cool that I am uncomfortable.

[Jason]

Like a belt.

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jason]

I mean, you just had to eject.

[Mike]

I thought this was more practical. It wasn't for the fashion. I don't show off my belt all the time. I'm not a big tuck in the shirt guy.

[Andy]

Yeah. So you don't need to wear a belt unless your pants don't fit.

[Jason]

I think belts are silly.

[Mike]

You don't wear belts ever?

[Jason]

No. Well, you can't put a belt on sweatpants, guys.

[Mike]

Okay, that's fair. Would you rather. Is this real life? And we are drafting things you'd like to be famous for. Like, you know, inventing a really cool belt.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

That's what we're drafting on today's show. You can follow us at Spitballers Pod. Thank you for subscribing following the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening. And thank you, of course, for telling your friends and family about this podcast. New episodes every week. We appreciate you.

[Andy]

Would you rather.

[Mike]

Van over on X says, would you

[Jason]

rather work down by the river?

[Mike]

Yeah. Would you rather work three hours per day at a children's daycare or six hours per day at a doggy daycare?

[Jason]

Okay, I think we went with a good time ratio here because I would much rather be hanging out with dogs all day.

[Andy]

I think you're wrong.

[Mike]

What?

[Andy]

So I love dogs. You know, I'm a dog person.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Love dogs. I take my dogs to the groomer. They're golden doodles. So they don't shed. They got to be groomed. Yeah. They got to get haircuts. And when I go in there, there's all these cute dogs. It's like a cageless groomer. And there's all these wonderfully cute dogs. It's awesome. Love seeing them. My dog enjoys it. But every now and then, including the last time I just went into this place, this was like a two weeks ago, There was a yapper.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh. I mean, these people had to work, and it. This dog didn't stop. Right. It's just.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's fair. That's real bad.

[Mike]

Forever.

[Jason]

Thank you for sharing.

[Andy]

Yes. I wanted you to experience five seconds of it because to pay my bill and get my dog took me three minutes, and that was about an hour too long.

[Jason]

So I will then follow that up with you said sometimes there's the yapper. I would venture a guess here at children's daycare, there is always a crier at all points of the day.

[Mike]

Well, and you can't kick a kid, right?

[Andy]

Yeah, maybe you can't kick a kid.

[Mike]

Whereas legally. No, no, I know.

[Andy]

You're saying, you're saying there's cameras, right?

[Jason]

So the cameras went out for a split second.

[Mike]

It's funny because I feel like.

[Jason]

Cut back to child flying through air.

[Mike]

I feel like there's a lot of people whose immediate reaction would be they'd much rather do the doggy daycare. You. If you're like a. If you're 6 out of 10 or higher on the dog person meter. I just feel like people love. That's why they go to dog parks. They like seeing other dogs and puppies. And I'm a dog guy and I'm gonna bring my dog with me.

[Andy]

Well, and the best part is I'm

[Mike]

like a 5 out of 10 dog person. So I would not choose the dog one.

[Andy]

But the doggy daycare, it's not a groomer. This is gonna be. You're just playing with dogs, keeping them entertained, maybe take them for a walk. There is some good there. Also on the bad side of the children is, and I'm going to assume here, we're past diapers. We're not doing that. This is, I don't know, most daycares. Yeah, I don't think we would be changing diapers at a daycare.

[Jason]

Probably past diapers. I don't know that you're past accidents, though.

[Mike]

No, you're not past accidents.

[Andy]

No. That's fair.

[Mike]

Although 100% of these dogs will have accidents.

[Jason]

That's more of a purpose.

[Andy]

The germs. Okay.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You're gonna get sicker at the daycare in three hours than you will from the dogs.

[Mike]

No, I don't catch fleas or dog diseases.

[Andy]

No, no, you don't.

[Jason]

You have worms, though.

[Andy]

But you.

[Mike]

What happens at a doggy daycare where, like, let's say there. How many dogs. Give me. Give me an amount.

[Andy]

20.

[Mike]

20 dogs. When are they pooping? Do they know where to poop at a daycare? Like, you bring 20 dogs to a daycare and if you just let them be, even if they were all potty trained at home, what happens to their poop?

[Jason]

The.

[Mike]

I. What's poop count?

[Jason]

I would venture to guess that most dogs, like, once a dog is potty trained, like it doesn't want to go there if it's. If it takes a dump in the play area. It's like this dog had a.

[Mike]

Had to go.

[Jason]

You didn't let the dog go Out. I mean, there's going to be. It's got to be a potty area.

[Andy]

Well, for sure there's a potty area. If there's not a potty area, I mean, that's. That's pure anarchy. That would be. There is not one doggy daycare place in the world that does not have a potty area. But the nice thing is that that potty area, that is prime pottying area because all the smells of all these different dogs, those dogs go out there, too.

[Jason]

I don't know.

[Andy]

That's what I'm saying. The dogs are clearly going to go to the bathroom. That's also how they're going to be marking their door.

[Mike]

I run my daycare that way.

[Andy]

A potty area. Yeah.

[Mike]

Potty area.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

It's a piece of turf.

[Mike]

Yeah, you're right. I mean, the first thing I thought of was you're going to get sick easily in three hours from all those kids.

[Jason]

But it's half the time for the. The daycare.

[Mike]

Three hours. So, Al, is this, like, this is your job now? Is that basically the premise? You're like nine to. Not nine to five, but you're working every day at three hours or six hours, correct? Yeah, I'm doing the kid one.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'm doing the kid one.

[Mike]

Guess how many episodes of TV that is.

[Andy]

Three.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah. And guess how many more episodes of TV you get versus the dogs. Three more.

[Mike]

One showing of Dunkirk to the kids if you need to.

[Jason]

It'll calm them down.

[Andy]

I actually would. I would choose the kids.

[Mike]

Scare them straight.

[Andy]

I would choose the kids straight up. And I do like dogs, but I love kids. I enjoy. Like, I've never, you know, I've been in situations that's not my job, but situations where I'm taking care of a group of kids for a couple hours. I've never not enjoyed it. So even though I know that this was set up to be like, oh, that would be the worst, I don't think I'd mind it.

[Jason]

I agree that it would be the worst, but it's three hours. I can. Three hours is. That's no problem.

[Mike]

If you want, there's a snack in the juice. Get the snack. Nap time. Snack.

[Andy]

Oh, I'm taking a juice box, too.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. What? Of course.

[Mike]

Who doesn't want a juice box?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Orange slice for you. Orange slice for me. What is it?

[Jason]

One for you?

[Mike]

Every kid.

[Andy]

Yes, every kid gets one.

[Jason]

One.

[Mike]

And then they just get in a line.

[Andy]

100% sure.

[Jason]

Your vitamin C off the charts.

[Mike]

Yarna from Patreon writes in. Would you rather have a sloth for a pet or an otter for a pet? You know, I get a little bit. And this is not. I mean, I'm not proud of this. I get the beaver otter world a little confused.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Ferret from ferret. Ferret. Yeah. Ferrets are. They're like otters, man. They're like land otters.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. But you can't get those two confused.

[Jason]

Well, the shape, but they're long, skinny rodents. Yeah.

[Mike]

You ever got a bratwurst and a hot dog confused other mammals.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

But one is on land and one is in the ocean.

[Mike]

That's why I call them land otters.

[Andy]

But that's fine. You could say they look otter versus parrot.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

You cannot possibly confuse a land animal and a sea animal.

[Jason]

Well, they don't stay permanently in the water. They come out.

[Andy]

Okay, so two things. One, I.

[Jason]

So if I remove. If I removed water from the equation, I just had the.

[Mike]

And you freedom and the two animals

[Jason]

are just in a room, you'd be like, I know which is which.

[Andy]

Okay, let me tell you two things. One, first, 100%.

[Jason]

Two what?

[Andy]

Two. The reason why is because I confuse otters and seals and after googling otters. That's a lot. It's much more similar than I thought to a ferret because a seal. If you could confuse a seal and

[Jason]

a ferret this whole time, you were at the premise of it's a seal.

[Andy]

I thought maybe it was a little smaller than a seal, but like, pretty

[Jason]

much a seal, so it makes so much more sense.

[Mike]

I'm looking at the chart of daughters are so cute. I'm looking at the chart of weasel like creatures here. And they're not far apart. Otters and weasels and ferrets are right next to each other on this chart of.

[Jason]

Yeah, because they're the same thing.

[Mike]

It's the same chart where, like, badgers are in that chart.

[Jason]

We don't need no stinking badgers.

[Mike]

Like, the top of it is the skunk family.

[Jason]

Do otters stink like ferrets?

[Mike]

Nothing stinks like a ferret.

[Andy]

Yeah, you've gotta.

[Mike]

They're always washed off.

[Andy]

Yeah, I was gonna say they take a dip. That's like a little mini bath. All the time they're hopping in that water. They get out. You're not gonna stink more after doing that.

[Mike]

Ferrets.

[Andy]

Wait or will you.

[Jason]

Yeah, I don't know. A wet dog.

[Andy]

Why. Why does a dog smell so bad when it's wet? Like, I can have A dog that doesn't stink. It's not stinky. It just. I mean, yep, it's fine. And then all of a sudden you put water on top of that dog and it is outrageously appalling. The scent of a wet dog.

[Mike]

Wet dog's pretty bad.

[Andy]

Could that happen to an otter?

[Mike]

I don't know. I don't know if the fur is the same, you know, the coat. But listen, let's be clear about something. Ferrets smell horrible. Ferrets were. They were created when someone pooped them out. That's what it was. Somebody pooped.

[Jason]

The first. The first ferret was like a dump from a bigger animal.

[Mike]

It was a bigger animal that dumped a ferret out and then started running around.

[Jason]

Could have been. Could have been a seal.

[Andy]

So I've got two, two pieces of information here on otters. First, yes, otters have a strong odor and can be smelly.

[Mike]

Okay?

[Andy]

So let's factor that in.

[Mike]

Maybe all the weasels are smelly.

[Andy]

But fact two, when investigating the scent of otters, the problems and the smells. Otter poop, also known as spraints.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Yeah, spraints.

[Jason]

I took a spraint.

[Andy]

Yeah, spraints my ankle. You can't take a spraint because you're not an otter. But an otter could take a spraint and that's its poop.

[Jason]

Don't tell me what I can do.

[Andy]

Has a strong odor that some say smells like violets or jasmine tea.

[Jason]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Mike]

If you smell like poop to begin with, your poop comes out smelling good. If you smell good to begin with, your poop smells bad.

[Andy]

Yeah. You like?

[Jason]

My man's got the good smelling poops.

[Andy]

They got the flowery sprints.

[Mike]

So you're hoping, just to be clear, you got a pet otter, you're hoping they take a dump so it smells better. So it smells better in your house.

[Andy]

Did you just make some jasmine tea? No, that's my otter. He just took a dump.

[Mike]

That's my honor. He just pooped in your bed.

[Andy]

You're welcome.

[Jason]

I find this very difficult.

[Mike]

Dude, it's a spraints.

[Andy]

A spraint.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh. It's the best cologne name ever. Spraints. Smells like lavender, smells like violet.

[Andy]

Jasmine tea. The odor may come from their diet of fish, crab and other seafood. I wonder if I ate more seafood.

[Jason]

I don't.

[Andy]

I'm going to try it out, man.

[Jason]

I don't think if you lived exclusively off those things that it would change the Aroma of your dump.

[Andy]

Only one way to find out, Mike for science. So this is otters versus sloths who are adorably.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

A sloth. I might have one now. I would never know. Like, if you have a sloth, you don't know that's is a sloth and a stuffed animal. Is there a difference between them?

[Jason]

Like, they are.

[Mike]

It sits there.

[Jason]

They're awesome. They are so cute. And they make no sense as an animal. Like, you're telling me this thing is out in the wild, and this is how there's a predator that wants to eat a sloth, and the sloth's like, you can't catch me.

[Andy]

People that want to argue for or against evolution, I mean, there are. The argument is sloth. There's no way this. There's no way this thing has evolved to a point where it has survived. Like, that was just put there because how could anything that wants to. How could it exist? It is literally in a jungle full of things that will kill it.

[Mike]

And God's like, yeah, throw one of these in there. It won't be moving. It won't be moving.

[Andy]

I don't understand how they're alive, but I have an update on sloth smells.

[Jason]

Oh, they gotta be smelly.

[Andy]

No, sloths are not stinky. In fact, they don't have a strong odor at all.

[Mike]

They can't sweat because they don't build up a sweat.

[Andy]

Sloths have evolved to avoid being detected by predators by not sweating and instead smelling like the jungle.

[Mike]

So all the other animals supposedly evolved to sprinting, running, evading. And they're like, nah.

[Jason]

Well, they also.

[Mike]

We're gonna evolve to sitting.

[Jason]

They climb. Sloths spend the majority of their time up in the canopy, coming down only one time per week to relieve themselves. So you want to talk about. You don't got to be picking up doggy doo doo. You get a sloth, you go. You got one cleanup per week.

[Mike]

It's interesting that a sloth that barely moves, that lives in a tree that is just hanging around, chooses to descend for their dump. Not just.

[Jason]

Well, you don't want to poop where you sleep.

[Mike]

You should drop one.

[Jason]

Oh, wait, no.

[Andy]

What do you mean?

[Mike]

It's not poop.

[Andy]

It's croprolite. Sloth poop is called coprolite. Coprolite.

[Jason]

That's a new beer.

[Mike]

Look, a coprolite.

[Andy]

I'll take two coprolites, please. It's just a glass of sloth dung.

[Mike]

When people are naming stuff, what guy came along and is like, we need to Sub name all the poops. We can't just call it poop. Every animal has to have their own poop name.

[Andy]

Give me an animal, because I just Googled. What is sloth poop called?

[Mike]

Give me a seal.

[Andy]

What is seal?

[Mike]

Since you thought it was a. I'm

[Jason]

sure there's the sprint or whatever.

[Andy]

It's called scat.

[Jason]

Oh, there it is.

[Mike]

Scat.

[Andy]

All right, so maybe we just found the two animals.

[Mike]

You don't think I almost said skunk. A sloth up in a tree can just drop one like a bird would drop one. Why do they got to come down? Why can't they hang from the branches?

[Andy]

It's weird because everything I'm seeing, they do come down. Poop.

[Mike]

It's called the hanging rain is what I would call it.

[Andy]

Maybe it's because they hang upside down a lot. You know what I mean? Like, that's. No, you don't want that. You don't want upside down poop.

[Mike]

Upside down.

[Jason]

You ever seen a bat go to the bathroom?

[Mike]

No. Spray.

[Jason]

No, they don't. They. They turn.

[Mike]

Oh, okay.

[Jason]

They turn right side out.

[Andy]

But it takes a sloth too long. He's like, oh, no. Oh, no, it's coming.

[Jason]

I'm gonna scat my pants again.

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Andy]

Copper light. Oh, yeah, I'm going to copper.

[Mike]

Like, have you ever had a copper?

[Jason]

Ultra low calorie.

[Mike]

Dude, the answer is the sloth.

[Andy]

Oh, for sure it's a sloth. Also, as cute as an otter is, it is not nearly as cute as a sloth. Sloths are adorable from, like, you know, like, the just cute.

[Jason]

They smile at you.

[Andy]

I doubt it.

[Mike]

Slowly,

[Andy]

quickly.

[Jason]

If a sloth hurts you, that's on you, man.

[Mike]

Right? Because you would see it coming a mile away. Like, it's like a punch.

[Jason]

That's just.

[Andy]

You just take one big step back. You know what I mean? Like, and. Okay.

[Mike]

Tries to slap you. It takes 20 minutes.

[Andy]

Can sloths hurt you? Yes, sloths can hurt you. Teeth, claws, grip. A sloth's grip can cause bruising or deeper injuries if they latch onto a person. Again, I recommend the big step back.

[Mike]

Oh, we got some bad news for you.

[Andy]

Oh, no.

[Mike]

Sloth poop is not called coprolite. Coprolite is fossilized feces of any kind.

[Andy]

What?

[Mike]

Yeah, you got AI if you Google. What is sloth poop called then? Google's AI Says it's called coprolite. The Smithsonian's National Museum of Natural History has a collection of fossilized sloth poop, but they're just Referring to the fossilized poop.

[Jason]

So it's just.

[Andy]

Come on, googs, Googs, you're letting me down.

[Mike]

I mean, it's still cool that we got a name for fossilized poop.

[Andy]

All right, you know, glass half full type of guy right there.

[Mike]

All right, I know that means I

[Andy]

can have copper light.

[Mike]

Yeah, Duke of copper light.

[Jason]

Someday.

[Andy]

I just gotta save it for a while.

[Mike]

Yeah. How long does it take to become a fossil?

[Andy]

I'm on it.

[Mike]

Nobody knows.

[Jason]

Where's the best place to put it to fossilized.

[Andy]

I'm on it.

[Mike]

You gotta wait. And how. But wouldn't it just go away? Is it poop biodegradable?

[Andy]

No, it takes several thousand years.

[Jason]

Right, Thousand years.

[Andy]

Well, this is according to Google AI, so probably 12 minutes. I don't know. I mean, they have no idea.

[Mike]

All right, we'll take a break. We'll come back with some. Is this real life?

[Andy]

Is this real life?

[Mike]

Well, it is. It is that time. We've got a segment here where we're going to share three real life stories that we. You know, this is hard to believe. It's hard to believe. So who wants to begin? Somebody want to volunteer?

[Jason]

Mine? Mine's pretty short and sweet here. Which the article does, leaves me with some questions that they did not answer here. But look, we've all had a bad time on the job. Go to work. Something goes wrong at perfect. And now you have to spend the majority of your day doing something that you don't want to be doing. Well, a flight attendant on a flight from Hong Kong to New York had to spend the 16 hour trip holding up a broken bathroom door.

[Andy]

I have heard of this one.

[Jason]

What?

[Mike]

16 hours.

[Jason]

So they. The door came off its hinges three minutes after the plane left the Hong Kong International Airport. And then.

[Mike]

We don't got no duct tape.

[Jason]

I don't. I don't know. That's what I'm saying.

[Mike]

We're like, what about the duct tape? No, let's use Dolores.

[Andy]

You can't tape the door because the door needs to. The door needs to work and function.

[Jason]

Right.

[Mike]

Because there's only that bathroom.

[Jason]

Because then. Well, on an international fight, they're going

[Mike]

to have more than one bathroom. You lock the door with a person. That's what the had to do.

[Andy]

And then what do you do? Like a three knock system when you're done.

[Jason]

I got a lot of questions here, but they're saying in this article that this flight attendant spent the entire 16 hours holding up the door.

[Mike]

Oh, so this thing really came off the Hinge.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. This isn't just like the locking mechanism broke.

[Jason]

This is correct.

[Mike]

The door. We can't lay this on the ground.

[Andy]

We don't have a door anymore.

[Jason]

Yeah, there's no.

[Mike]

We can't lay this on the ground either.

[Andy]

Yeah. Where do we put this?

[Mike]

Yeah, I guess you don't have a place to store a big door in a flight. And it would be dangerous, right? It would be dangerous to have a loose. A loose door is one of the biggest fears that I have.

[Andy]

Turbulence, Door tumbling through the cabin. Watch out for the door. It's like a beach ball at a

[Jason]

party, except it's a door man decapitated by flying bathrooms.

[Mike]

Yeah, a door would be dangerous. I don't. They normally make you.

[Jason]

So maybe that's why they held it.

[Andy]

But 6.

[Jason]

16 hours.

[Mike]

16 hours. You hope they tipped.

[Andy]

I imagine this is just like. Put your back against it. It's not having a. Yeah, it's not holding it up.

[Mike]

That's a long time to lean against the wall. 16 hours.

[Andy]

Well, it's a long flight. I mean, it's a long time to sit.

[Jason]

In the images, it says the flight attendant appeared to be holding the door from behind as she sat in her seat for takeoff. So I'm imagining somehow her legs were able to hold it up. But still, 16 hours is. That's ridiculous.

[Mike]

This article writes all the jokes itself. It's a real article. It's from November 13th.

[Andy]

Oh, that's recent.

[Mike]

And I'm just going to read you the headline. But then I'm going to read you the sub headline and then I'm going to read you the details. Wind blowing out of Uranus makes it hard to probe. NASA complains.

[Andy]

Yep, I get it.

[Mike]

A quote, rare, intense wind event may have messed up our opportunity to probe Uranus.

[Andy]

Been there.

[Mike]

Scientists have found that a rare wind event during NASA's Voyager 2 flyby of Uranus in 1986 may have seriously messed with our understanding of the planet. And while the jokes write themselves, the research is very real. So.

[Jason]

Remember when they were trying to push Uranus?

[Andy]

I don't remember. I would never have stood for that.

[Mike]

They made an effort for Uranus.

[Jason]

I feel like there was a time period there where we were all children cackling when we learned our solar system. And then, no, it's Uranus. And we're like, no, it's not.

[Andy]

No, it's not. It's Uranus, loser.

[Mike]

So, yeah, that's it. NASA was really complaining because they can't probe Uranus.

[Andy]

How did they ever land on that name? You know what I mean? Like, the first. Was there a Mr. Uranus who found it?

[Mike]

Well, I think, you know that they're

[Jason]

all Roman gods, right?

[Mike]

It's like Jupiter and Saturn and Neptune.

[Jason]

I mean, you take the step forward. There was a Roman God named Uranus.

[Mike]

Yes. He was a Greek God of the sky, of the Badon, the father of the titans, the son and the husband of Gaia, Earth. In Roman mythology, he was known. Yeah, he was the father God of the sky and father of the titans.

[Andy]

Interesting. Wow.

[Mike]

Yeah. And Uranus is actually where the.

[Jason]

The titans come out.

[Mike]

No, I was getting the ferret. I was getting to the ferret. I was tying it in. But the ferret gives the. It's okay, Jason. Is this real life?

[Andy]

All right, so we've all been to a place where maybe there's some pesky birds or something trying to steal your food, you know, like, shoo. Go away.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

Is that the beginning of your, like,

[Mike]

comedy line at the front of the comedy show? We can all relate, right?

[Andy]

Andy will probably like this, since he likes to kick dogs. Apparently, New Jersey man admits to decapitating seagull after attempting to take fries from daughter. I mean, wait.

[Mike]

That's a disproportionate reaction.

[Andy]

That is a little. Dude, I do not want to marry that girl like that dad. That dad has a little bit of an overreaction problem.

[Mike]

So when I heard you say it my first, I wasn't thinking. Siegel, when you said, give me that fry back, I mean, a seagull's a big bird.

[Andy]

I hate it.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

I would be super afraid to, like, handle a seagull to begin with, much less rip its head off. I feel like I could rip the head off a pigeon if I had

[Andy]

to push comes to shove, like, just physically. Much easier.

[Mike]

Physically it would be, but, like, you're starting to get into a category of bird that.

[Jason]

You could take a seagull. They're just more rambunctious. Do you twist to get the head?

[Andy]

I think you're gonna have to.

[Mike]

I'm just trying to think technically.

[Jason]

Remember the old. The old. The Kool Aid things when we were a kid?

[Mike]

Yeah. The twisty.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. That's a seagull's head.

[Andy]

Yeah. You got to twist that to it.

[Jason]

It's not a pull. Okay.

[Mike]

If dad made a juice drink with a little fake head on top and you had to pop the head off to drink, that have been great.

[Jason]

And then it's cherry.

[Andy]

What if.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

So she took a fry, the bird took a fry and lost its life.

[Andy]

Lost its life. There's no report of whether the guy got the fry back, but.

[Mike]

Illegal.

[Andy]

Oh yeah, it's illegal. He was released on a legal further court date. Yeah, he. He ripped the head off a bird. Of course it's illegal.

[Mike]

What do you mean of course?

[Andy]

You can't just go around killing animals.

[Mike]

No, you can't. Like, but for just cause, self defense.

[Andy]

Where's the line though, your honor?

[Mike]

You could kill a spider or.

[Andy]

Yeah, Jason, no, you should kill a spider.

[Jason]

You should kill a spy. This man stood his ground against the sea.

[Mike]

You're telling me I'm getting arrested? If it was a pigeon.

[Andy]

No. No one cares about that.

[Jason]

Those are the flying rats.

[Andy]

You did a service.

[Mike]

It's so weird that we judge the animals worth by their visual aesthetic.

[Andy]

It's true.

[Mike]

A rat, I'd rip the head off a vulture.

[Andy]

I kill rats all the time. But there's rats at the cabin. We put rat traps out because I don't want rats in my cabin. And that's. You know, when you really think about it, that's. That's crazy.

[Mike]

I mean, it's a little crazy.

[Andy]

It's a little crazy because there's no guilt. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

No one else cares because they all know how ugly it is, right? Smelly disease.

[Jason]

They bring disease.

[Mike]

Yeah. Pigeons disease, rats disease.

[Andy]

Yeah, but I'll bet seagulls bring disease. They just aren't talked about it. Cause they're beautiful.

[Mike]

I wouldn't call them beautiful.

[Andy]

You wouldn't call a seagull beautiful?

[Jason]

No, seagulls are gorgeous. I don't think I've ever thought about it that way.

[Mike]

You're confusing it with a goose.

[Jason]

No, you're thinking of like a macaw.

[Mike]

You think they're seals again, don't you?

[Jason]

No, seagull's a beautiful bird. It's fine.

[Mike]

Yeah, beautiful is reserved for the highest tier bird. A seagull is like a sea pigeon.

[Jason]

It really is.

[Mike]

I mean, they're the. I've not been annoyed with a bird more than a seagull in my life. Oh, seagulls will ruin your time at the beach. If you have any food or with

[Andy]

you at all, well, just rip its head off. I mean, that's apparently the move. But again, illegal. You will find yourself released on summons with a future court date.

[Mike]

I am. On a scale of 1 to 10, Mike, how beautiful is a seagull? Because, Chad, GPT, I said objectively rate the beauty of a seagull On a scale of 1 to 10.

[Jason]

Artificial intelligence. Objectively rate those things?

[Mike]

Yes, it says, objectively I would rate the beauty of a seagull.

[Jason]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm going to put my number at

[Mike]

a three.

[Andy]

I'm going to go 7.5.

[Mike]

Six out of ten.

[Andy]

That's not bad. That's not bad. I'm just.

[Mike]

Out of ten is not beautiful.

[Andy]

No, but that's on a scale of beautiful.

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

It's above average beauty.

[Mike]

I guess that's true.

[Andy]

How beautiful bird. Yeah, exactly. How about a weasel?

[Mike]

A Weasel is rated 8 out of 10.

[Andy]

What?

[Mike]

Weasels have sleek, slender bodies and a sense of elegance in their movement.

[Andy]

Oh, actually, weasels are super cute.

[Jason]

Wait, what?

[Andy]

I did not realize that.

[Mike]

So you can't rip their head off?

[Andy]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Mike]

This has been a very disturbing episode of the. Of, you know, the Spitballers.

[Jason]

Hey, Spitballs, I'm in on weasels.

[Andy]

We.

[Jason]

Yeah, this is a good look.

[Andy]

They've got bad pr, you know, you weasel something. Yeah, you know.

[Jason]

Yeah. Weasel is bad.

[Andy]

Yeah. I think frozen really hurt the weasel family with Weselton.

[Mike]

Also, weasel poop is still scat. So scat is really. It's covering a wide range.

[Andy]

Now. What was the second animal? What was the.

[Mike]

Also being a weasel predated that movie, but quite a bit.

[Andy]

Yeah, sure, that part did, but just the derogatory.

[Jason]

Right? I mean, are you familiar with Roger Rabbit?

[Andy]

I am familiar with Roger Rabbit. He was a bad guy.

[Jason]

Roger Rabbit.

[Andy]

No, the weasels.

[Jason]

The weasels. Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah. Weasels are like sneaky.

[Jason]

Is it because they're small, slender butts,

[Andy]

they tend to weasel their way into places.

[Mike]

I love straffed.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Not sure if you have the experience to start your dream job. Good news. These days it's the skills that count. Udemy can help you get those in demand. Skills. Want to be an AI mastermind? Learn with us. Game developer. We've got you covered. AWS certified cloud practitioner. We can help you prep. You'll learn from real world experts who love what they do so that you can love what you do. Go to udemy.com for the skills to get you started and get set for your dream job.

[Andy]

The Spitballers draft.

[Mike]

All right. Al Borland has selected a special draft for us today. Things we would like to be famous

[Andy]

instead of our podcast.

[Mike]

Right. Instead of this fine weasel based podcast.

[Jason]

Very famous Grade A celebrities.

[Andy]

Yeah. So we. We already. But if we had to be something else.

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

It would be whatever we're going to

[Mike]

draft and you get the first pick.

[Andy]

I get the first pick. I love having the first pick in this one. There are, there are two that I really want, and I think one is like a home run. But I think it could. I think it'll get back to me. I think it could. I don't know whether it will, but I think it could. The one that I want, what the heart wants. The heart wants. What the heart wants. It'd be to be an actor. I grew up wanting to be an actor.

[Mike]

So you want to be famous? I went to famous as an actor.

[Andy]

Yeah, I went to, you know, acting, directing. Like that was where I was headed until business life took over.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You quit.

[Andy]

Oh, hey, you know, I'm a retire young. I'm a. Sam Jackson didn't start acting until he was like 60 and he

[Mike]

made up for it.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'm gonna make up for it now.

[Mike]

IMDb what?

[Jason]

I mean, you're. You're a very funny fella. Were you hoping for comedy? Like, had you gone far enough into the path of like, I want to be a dramatic, serious method actor or I want to be. I want to do comedies, I want to do rhymes.

[Andy]

I really, really, really wanted to do both genuinely, like, because I. I did a lot of like, comedy improv trying

[Jason]

to Jim Carrey this thing.

[Andy]

I wouldn't. I mean, I know Jim Carrey got into some serious things, but I think that he's not that great of an actor. I love Jim Carrey.

[Mike]

Eternal Sunshine, baby.

[Andy]

See, that's the one I always hear about. I've never seen it.

[Mike]

That's outrageous that you know it is.

[Jason]

Hold on.

[Mike]

It just one of the best movies ever.

[Jason]

Where is Jim Carrey in your pantheon?

[Andy]

Top five for sure.

[Jason]

And you haven't seen Eternal Sunshine.

[Andy]

So what happened was it was like, whatever, whenever that came out.

[Mike]

Harry and Winslet, perfect.

[Andy]

I missed it for a moment. And I've always felt like.

[Mike]

And you've got a chance still.

[Andy]

I can't go back.

[Jason]

Yeah, no, it's.

[Mike]

Go back.

[Andy]

But do you think it's going to hold up?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Really?

[Mike]

Yeah, you'll be fine.

[Andy]

Well, maybe I'll put that on my to do list.

[Jason]

But it's a story driven.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Movie.

[Mike]

It's great. So actor, famous actor, famous actor, World's sexiest man.

[Andy]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Jason]

That's a good one. Yep. That's a good one.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I see why you would want that so much.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

No, it makes sense, right?

[Jason]

Like the opposite of right.

[Andy]

Like what you want, you want what

[Mike]

you can't get unachievable. Like, you still think you can be an actor, but I'm going with something,

[Andy]

you know, that is true. Most of the things are not achievable, but, you know.

[Mike]

Yeah. No World Sexiest fan is my answer. It's the number one pick.

[Jason]

Look, if Jason Kelsey can pop up as someone in the running, you never know, man. At this stage of his life, and this is not a minute now, this is not a knock on Jason Kelsey's aesthetic kind of appearance. No, it's not. It's more of a Jason Kelsey, former center for the Philadelphia Eagles. Like, this is not someone who is out there on People magazines. He is now, but, like, maybe. All right, so I'm up then?

[Mike]

Yeah, you're up.

[Jason]

All right. Rockstar, baby. We'll start off with the easy one.

[Andy]

I put that one way low on my list because it could you survive. It belonged to you.

[Mike]

How long could you make it before you drop dead?

[Jason]

A while.

[Mike]

A little while.

[Jason]

I think I could.

[Andy]

80 years.

[Jason]

No.

[Mike]

Some of them do. They look like old catcher's mitts, but they make it.

[Jason]

I think I could do it. Obviously, far more difficult or easier now that you have children, you're like, oh, man.

[Andy]

Gotta hit the road.

[Jason]

Yeah. Gotta make that money, kids, another tour.

[Andy]

You just got done with your tour. I gotta go.

[Jason]

But the life on the road, I think I could do it. Yeah, I think I could do it.

[Mike]

Give it a go.

[Jason]

You're famous, man.

[Mike]

You got to.

[Jason]

The next one. I'm going to go with. This has. This is, I think, a newer thing for America in terms of people just becoming famous for it. Being rich.

[Andy]

Oh, that was my. That was the one I wanted to come back. Richest man in the world being just famous for being.

[Mike]

For having money.

[Jason]

Yeah. Because you know what I also have then?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Lots of money.

[Andy]

It's a twofer. It's a two. That's why I wanted that one so bad, because of what it insinuates.

[Jason]

I do nothing except be rich.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

There are people that. That's what they're famous for.

[Jason]

Yes, I know. It is. Being dumb.

[Mike]

Being rich. So things like to be famous, to bring to society.

[Jason]

Well, they're rich.

[Andy]

They're so rich. I know their name.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's. That's. That's a good answer. All right, I went with world sexiest man for the first. So I'm going to go ahead. You know, I was about to say it, and now I'm playing the game of whether I can sneak it by Jason. So Yeah, I can. So I'm going to go with famous athlete.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

Famous athlete is the answer that I'm going to go with because that one's not getting by Jason. I will take the best athlete in the world and famous for that because then I got to play a sport. It's not just. I'm not just not doing something. I'm doing something at the highest level and I'm famous for it.

[Andy]

Next on my list would have been NBA player. Yeah. So that would have taken. So if you got to pick your sport, you get to be famous for any sport. Because I almost.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. Pick the sport.

[Mike]

If I had to pick one, it's a little bit nuanced because it's like some are more. I would do football because the biggest sport.

[Andy]

Oh, okay. I see. Football didn't even make my list because I'm like. But yeah, I don't want a concussion.

[Mike]

I just.2 sport. I'll be a 2 sport athlete. Super famous. Yeah. Like a Deion Sanders. Bo Jackson.

[Jason]

What's going on? Baseball then.

[Mike]

And I will train sand sports. I'll be doing my own, like, you know, football jam movie. I'll be doing it all.

[Andy]

I like it. I like it.

[Mike]

You know they're supposed to make a skate jam.

[Jason]

I heard Tony Hawk.

[Mike]

It was like all but green lit and then it fell apart.

[Jason]

That is a tragedy.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Because skate jam. Yeah, that would have been awesome.

[Mike]

All right, I will go with famous athlete. Yeah.

[Andy]

All right, so I am up and I get two picks. I'm going to go with. Look, there's not many people on the planet. In fact, I would say maybe there is not a thing more famous on the planet than being the President of the United States.

[Mike]

Yeah, the president. President's on my list. And that. That fits.

[Andy]

The nice thing is that when I am president, both sides will come together. Because my platform is one that you want. My entire running platform is to give you what you want. And who doesn't want what they want?

[Mike]

I'm curious, were you ever like president of the student council?

[Andy]

Not student council.

[Mike]

Because you didn't give them.

[Andy]

I didn't give them what they wanted.

[Jason]

So you were president of what then?

[Andy]

I was president of the theater people.

[Jason]

President of the nerds.

[Andy]

We were cool, man. We were super cool. But yes, the president makes sense. And then I guess since we, you know, this might be just too close. Close to what we are already famous for. But I'm gonna take it anyways. I'm gonna go stand up comedy.

[Jason]

Yeah. That is really. If I Had not taken being rich, stand up comedy would have been next to my list.

[Andy]

It's great because that's interesting.

[Mike]

So you'd want to be famous for standup because you think people just think of you so positively.

[Andy]

You thought it positively and it's very. I mean, if we're talking fame here, it's solo. It's incredibly. Yeah, it's like you're a football player that you're famous, but like, you put a helmet on, people don't always know what you want.

[Mike]

Maybe if I was golf, maybe Tiger Woods. That's a bigger solo.

[Andy]

So when you're a famous comedian, you make a lot of money, you're funny and people adore you. People. You know what I mean? Like, if people love comedians and that's.

[Mike]

Some of them are more polarizing, but.

[Andy]

Oh, sure. I mean, there's a few.

[Mike]

But you have your legends, right?

[Jason]

And just the. It would be so amazing and so rewarding. Like, we've done live shows for our football podcast and we've all gotten a big laugh from a joke. And when you get a big laugh, Holy crap, man.

[Mike]

That feels pretty special.

[Jason]

Dad is a drug.

[Andy]

That is a drug.

[Jason]

And so, like, if your entire job is just make people laugh. And when you're a top tier stand up comic, you literally just have to walk out because people are so excited, they're ready to laugh, and they're ready to laugh that you're just. Your presence is hilarious.

[Andy]

And by the time you're there and you're a big time and you go out there, that crowd's already drunk. So it's easy.

[Mike]

That's true.

[Jason]

That's true.

[Mike]

All right. I played the gamble and it wasn't a concern. It came right back to me. Highest IQ in the world. The world's smartest. Man, if I was known, if I was famous for literally being smarter than everybody else, people will come to me trying to get my answer on all the things in the world. That's pretty cool. It's like being the Brain King.

[Andy]

So you're really drafting things that are out of your reach.

[Jason]

Right? That's right.

[Andy]

That's right. Okay. I'm gonna be sexy and smart. I'm gonna be the Brain King.

[Jason]

Sir, how shall we refer to you?

[Andy]

I'm the King of the brains.

[Jason]

You may call me the Brain King.

[Mike]

I am the Brain King.

[Andy]

The Brain King.

[Jason]

The Brain King has exposed brain for sure.

[Andy]

It's his crown.

[Jason]

The pulses.

[Andy]

Yes. Oh, my gosh. I'm pretty sure the Brain King becomes the villain.

[Mike]

I think you know, we figured out the name of this podcast. All right, Mike, two picks.

[Jason]

So one of them. It's not Brain King. Already taken this.

[Mike]

Sorry.

[Jason]

It's not as easy. Like, I don't even know how you would make it in to be known for this because of where we are in history, unless you go solar system wide. But a famous explorer, like a. Like a Lewis and Clark, someone. You. You are going Magellan.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

You are going fearlessly because you don't know what's out there. You're going into a place of land that has. That to your knowledge, has never been visited or explored. And you're like, I'm going to go check this out. I'm willing to do it.

[Mike]

One of the things on my list for. And I'll just lose it right here by bringing it up. And I don't know if you want to inherit it or just.

[Jason]

I know what my next pick is, so.

[Mike]

Okay. Well, I was just gonna say, like, famous explorer nowadays would be what I wrote down, which is space traveler.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

So, I mean, it's a new frontier, right?

[Jason]

Yeah, it's. It. I meant to me, when I'm thinking explorer, that's. That's kind of built in now because it's like, I can't go explore the United States. We found the edge. We can't explore the edges.

[Andy]

I feel like you can't explore anything.

[Jason]

Like, we got pictures of, well, ocean, jungle, rainforest. Like.

[Mike]

But it is weird that, like, there was a whole, you know, what, 150 years ago, there's a whole group of people traveling west in the United States knowing not what was before each step.

[Jason]

Yep.

[Mike]

That's weird.

[Jason]

It is.

[Mike]

You can't even comprehend it.

[Jason]

It's wild. And that would be rewarding.

[Mike]

That would be kind of special.

[Jason]

And the other one, it's. I want to be the world's greatest and most accurate meteorologist.

[Mike]

So you're famous for being an amazing meteorologist.

[Jason]

I have never gotten a weather forecast wrong in my life. Imagine the power.

[Andy]

You would be the only one.

[Jason]

Imagine if you. If we actually had someone who could do that. It'd be like three months. Ooh. I wouldn't go there. It's going to rain. Like, that's.

[Mike]

And you're the only one that knows, of course. That'd be amazing. Everyone would tune in every day. You would be the most dangerous person on Earth.

[Jason]

And you know how long I would work a day? Five minutes?

[Mike]

Because you just know.

[Jason]

No, I just. I. Well, I just show up to the. To the broadcast I point at the green screen. Then I'm like, green screen. And I'm like, I'll see you later.

[Andy]

It's all in your head.

[Mike]

Nobody's thought about the Gray Sports Almanac from Back to the Future, but it's only got weather reports for the next day.

[Andy]

Yeah. Is there a betting market for weather?

[Mike]

All right, so I am the world's sexiest man. I'm an athlete. I'm the world's smartest man. And guess what?

[Jason]

Snow is at +300.

[Mike]

Sometimes you stumble into your last pick on accident. Things I'd like to be famous for. I'm the king. I am the king.

[Jason]

The king.

[Mike]

I am the king.

[Andy]

Not the king. So, like, of England.

[Jason]

Sure.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

Or like, you know, anywhere. The king of anywhere.

[Andy]

The king of anywhere.

[Mike]

Yeah. I want to be famous for being the king. The king of England. Sure.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

If you buy an island.

[Mike]

Yeah. Can you declare yourself a king?

[Jason]

That's what I'm asking. Like, if you buy an island, not if it's sovereign and you're like, I'm the king, and. Okay, well, I go to an uncharted. An island. That's.

[Mike]

If you buy an island, can you separate from.

[Jason]

Can you annex.

[Andy]

Yeah. What is the process of.

[Mike]

What if I build an island?

[Andy]

Of gaining sovereignty of land?

[Jason]

I'm more just saying, like, does the world have to recognize me as a king?

[Mike]

Can I be a king of a cruise ship? If it's my own ship on international waters?

[Andy]

I think so, yeah.

[Mike]

You could be the king. That's not my answer, but the king. We'll go. King of England, since they still have one.

[Andy]

I think you got to be a captain if it's a cruise ship.

[Mike]

I am just somewhat attracted to the regal.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I think the. It's more. Almost going back in time a little bit to when that was a thing.

[Andy]

But I will say this.

[Mike]

To be famous for being a king is kind of crazy. I'd be a merciful king. I'd be a great king.

[Jason]

Be the best king.

[Mike]

I'd be the brain king.

[Andy]

I took.

[Jason]

He's the king, and he's the smartest man alive.

[Andy]

President of the United States. And you took a king of England. And I will say this while I will do amazing things, far more valuable as the president, United States, and make everyone happy. The job would be way more fun to be king. You know what I mean? Like, if I. If you could really pick, like, would you want to be the king or the president? Be like, the king does nothing.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

The king does what he wants.

[Jason]

That's exactly. What is your job. Whatever I feel like doing today. Right.

[Andy]

My job is to do exactly what I want.

[Jason]

What's your job today, sir? Brunch.

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah. And you.

[Jason]

Very important.

[Mike]

And in the. You know, the White House would be a really cool place to live, but I feel like a king's castle is way cooler, man.

[Jason]

Oh, for sure.

[Mike]

So if you had a moat, is that all modernized? Is that castle like Buckingham? Isn't that like. I mean, that's all. Like, you got H Vac in there and stuff.

[Andy]

Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The king is not living without H Vac.

[Mike]

Okay. Like, of all the things to retrofit, Stone seems tough, but Mike or Jason, you're actor, president, stand up comic. You're living your dream. You're famous for those three things. And what's one more?

[Andy]

Yeah, I mean, I'm looking. I've got a list of things that you know are cool that I don't want. Like an author, you know, being a famous author. It's on my list. I'm not going to take that.

[Jason]

Stephen King leads a pretty good life.

[Andy]

Yeah. My dark horse pick that I'm not taking as well is just because this is another. What the heart wants is voice. Being famous for your voice. Think Morgan Freeman or the British.

[Mike]

But that's not your pick.

[Andy]

That's not my pick. I'm gonna go with a.

[Jason]

You got cut off, but it was just like Morgan Freeman or the British.

[Andy]

The British guy.

[Jason]

No, you stopped at the British.

[Mike]

Well, all the British.

[Andy]

Yeah, well, they're famous for their voice.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

But I'm going to go with a tech entrepreneur. So when you are one of the famous ones, you know, you're.

[Mike]

You want to be like, pale and just now.

[Jason]

Steve Jobs devoid of any.

[Andy]

I want to change the world. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

One divorce at a time.

[Andy]

It's in addition to.

[Mike]

No, I get it.

[Andy]

I'm rich. I've done something that has changed. The technology.

[Mike]

It always looked decent in a black. A turtleneck.

[Andy]

Turtleneck.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Some of the. We finished up. We've all got our four things to be famous for. Some of the final considerations on my list. Nobel Prize, Olympic champion.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

I've always thought Olympic champion is kind of special because you're like. It was like Michael Phelps. Like, you just. I know you're working in the other three years, but it seems like you're only working for like eight weeks every four years.

[Jason]

You're working extremely hard in between.

[Mike]

What about saving someone from a runaway train? That's a little more.

[Andy]

I don't think people get famous from

[Mike]

that, but I would.

[Jason]

You can get like small town famous.

[Mike]

This implies that you would get famous from it.

[Andy]

Sure. So then in that if, if, if the implication no matter what equals extreme fame, I would have. I would have drafted farting. You know what I mean? Like if I'm famous, like, dude, everyone knows that fart was so epic that he is famous worldwide.

[Jason]

I mean, aren't the. What animal was that that had the good smell and farts?

[Andy]

Oh, that's the otter.

[Jason]

The otter. I mean, you want to get famous, become an otter. Have rosy farts.

[Andy]

You guys got any other jasmine?

[Jason]

No.

[Mike]

You good?

[Jason]

Good.

[Mike]

All right,

[Andy]

what did we learn today? I learned that coprolite is fossilized dookie.

[Mike]

I learned that the smartest man alive is also known as the brain king.

[Jason]

I learned that Jason has a tough time with otters and seals.

[Mike]

That was funny. You were like, how can you confuse a ferret and an otter?

[Andy]

Made no sense to me.

[Mike]

One of them is the seal, you

[Andy]

know, One of them is the size of a boat.

[Mike]

Goodbye, everybody.

[Jason]

Goodbye.

[Andy]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballers pod dot com.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

You're more than just one thing. You're the boss. Hey, Google, what time is my meeting with Tim today? The athlete that class wrecks me. The ringleader. And we're good and always their mom. Everyone in the all new Mazda cx. Five more to move every side of you. Learn more@mazda USA.com Google is a trademark of Google LLC. Sequences shortened and simulated.