Podcast Summary: Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode Title: Day Owls & Movie Titles To Describe A Trip To The Bathroom - Spit Hits!
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason
Release Date: January 5, 2026
Episode Number: 312

Overview

In this delightfully absurd episode of the Spitballers, the trio returns after a holiday break and brings their signature blend of dad-humor, wild hypotheticals, and family-friendly nonsense. The episode dives into "Would You Rather" scenarios, explores quirky differences between similar words, accidentally unpacks some philosophical quandaries, and culminates in a side-splitting draft where movie titles are repurposed to describe bathroom experiences.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Welcome Back, Holiday Antics, and Show Setup

• The guys catch up post-holidays, poke fun at Mike’s “trumpet” practice for their classic scat intro, and joke about prepping for the show with instruments.
  • “I like the idea that you would practice the scat sounds with a trumpet.” — Andy (01:50)
• Mike reveals he’s been away “practicing his scats,” and they eagerly preview the movie title bathroom draft.

2. Would You Rather: The Eye Edition

• Scenario: “Would you rather all your blinks be 3 seconds long, or have 3 consecutive minutes every hour where your eyes randomly shut?”
  • The group rapidly concludes both choices would be disastrous for driving.
  • Jason proposes timing your blinks but quickly concedes: “That feels impossible.” (04:30)
  • Commiseration over the need for autonomous vehicles or personal drivers.
  • Amusing detour about the limitations and foibles of actual self-driving cars, including a local Phoenix Waymo car driving in circles (06:08).
  • Flashbacks to the viral video of a spinning helicopter rescue in Phoenix, leading to a comedic breakdown of trauma, injury, and settlement:
    • “She spun 175 times in a minute.” — Andy (08:49)
    • “Washing machines have nothing.” — Jason (08:53)
    • “That’s because her intestines went to her feet.” — Mike (10:26)
  • They confirm (repeatedly!) that the woman survived, justifying their laughter.
• Preference: Ultimately, Andy and Mike opt for the 3 minutes eyes-shut, reasoning you can at least stop what you’re doing (16:01–16:21).

3. Morning vs. Evening People: “Day Owls”

• Would you prefer an extra child-free hour in the morning or evening?
  • Jason, self-described “night owl,” surprises himself: “I’m easily taking the extra child-free hour in the morning.” (17:20)
  • Spirited sidebar on animal terminology: “night owl,” “day owl” (diurnal), and even “crepuscular owl”—leading to a mini linguistics lesson/confusion.
    • “I think you’re a crepuscular owl.” — Jason (18:30)
  • Color perception philosophical rabbit-hole—can we know our blue is the same as someone else’s blue? (20:13)
• They realize, with good-natured shame, that they all lean morning person now:
  • “I'm becoming a morning person...I’ve been trying to get to bed earlier and earlier. I’m sick of staying up too late.” — Jason (23:01)
  • “That means you’re old.” — Mike (23:51)

4. What’s the Difference? (Language Showdown)

• Trash vs. Garbage vs. Rubbish:
  • Consensus: “Rubbish” is UK English, “trash” (small bins/indoor), “garbage” (big outdoor bins/collected).
    • “Trash is just a small word. It’s a small…Throw it in the trash.” — Jason & Andy (29:11)
  • “Garbage person” > “trashy person” as an insult.
• Smudge vs. Stain vs. Blotch:
  • Stains are permanent; smudges are on glass/temporary; blotches have no definite edge (often with rashes or ink).
    • “A smudge is easily removable…The stain, by definition, is permanently there…” — Andy (31:37)
    • “Blotchy is the real key determiner...there’s no definitive edge.” — Jason (31:04)
  • Wander into tattoo tech—discuss new ink that responds to light wavelengths.
• Courage vs. Bravery vs. Valor:
  • Valor is generally for acknowledged acts after the fact (often in war). Bravery and courage can overlap, but “courage” seems reserved for noble actions, “bravery” can be foolish.
    • “Valor is not something hidden. That's something revealed.” — Jason (36:36)
    • “Anybody that is courageous is also brave, I think.” — Andy (38:30)
  • None of the hosts know anyone with valor—except for one friend who served in the military.
  • Wry conclusion: “People who have valor don't think they have valor.” (39:25)

5. Rabbit Holes & Running Jokes

• Limousine construction: Are limos “cut in half and stretched”? (14:23)
  • Jason insists, “I'm going to say this like it’s a fact…” and gets faux-vindicated by an AI snippet.
• Color terminology, tiger colors, and can you really “see” what others see?
• Morning routines: multiple toasts to silent, child-free coffee breaks.
  • “If I could wake up, do my coffee, sit on the couch and go back to sleep and redo that in a permanent repeat, I would choose that as my life.” — Andy (34:36)

6. Highlight: The Great Bathroom Movie Title Draft

[41:13] — Draft Begins

Hosts each select five movie titles that could (hilariously) describe a trip to the bathroom. The segment features raucous laughter, extended riffing, and bathroom storytelling.

Round 1

• Mike: The Exorcist
• Jason: There Will Be Blood
  • “There will be blood. Been there. You don’t want to wipe that one and go, oh no, it’s red.” — Jason (42:50)
• Andy: Mission Impossible

Round 2

• Andy: Heat
• Jason: Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
• Mike: Collateral Damage

Round 3

• Mike: House of 1,000 Corpses
• Jason: Panic Room
  • Jason shares a hilarious/frantic story about nearly not making it home from PetSmart with his son driving.
  • “About halfway through the drive, I let him know, like, I'm going to crap in your car, man.” — Jason (47:28)
• Andy: The Longest Yard & The Big Short (tandem for large and small BM)

Round 4

• Jason: Wreck It Ralph
  • “I’m gonna wreck it!”
• Mike: A River Runs Through It

Round 5

• Mike: Pompeii
• Jason: The Green Mile
  • “Sometimes we’re a little unhealthy…maybe we’re too healthy.”
• Andy: Everything Everywhere All At Once

Honorable Mentions (Rapid Fire)

• 127 Hours, The Perfect Storm, Inside Out, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, The Purge, Armageddon, Man on Fire, Free Willy, Crimson Tide, Deep Impact, Swamp Thing, The Hateful Eight, Cool Runnings, Bad Times at the El Royale, From Dusk Till Dawn, Misery, and many more.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I learned I’m a morning person.” — Jason, closing reflections (54:53)
• “You realize you just described…why people are morning people.” — Andy, on Jason's morning habits (22:58)
• “Chassis…is chassis…that’s dumb.” — Jason, English language aficionado (15:36)
• “People don’t declare their own valor.” — Andy (39:41)
• On the draft: “Most movie titles do [work]…Just name a movie!” — Jason (46:02)
• “Free Willy was the home run, Mike!” — Andy, pining for missed draft opportunities (54:16)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:08 — Show intro/scat and return from holidays
• 03:00 — Would You Rather: Blinks vs. Eye Shuts
• 06:08 — Real-life anecdotes: Autonomous cars & spinning rescue
• 17:20 — Would You Rather: Child-free morning vs. night, “Day Owls”
• 26:51 — “What’s the Difference”: Trash/Garbage/Rubbish, Smudge/Stain/Blotch, Courage/Bravery/Valor
• 41:13 — Spitballers Draft: Movie Titles for Bathroom Trips
• 47:04–48:38 — Jason’s “panic room” PetSmart bathroom emergency story
• 54:53 — What Did We Learn? episode close

Overall Tone

Lighthearted, irreverent, and peppered with classic “dad joke” delivery, the episode is a buffet of silly, sometimes juvenile, but ultimately witty banter. The chemistry between Andy, Mike, and Jason shines, with constant callbacks, mutual mockery, and giddy escalation throughout each segment.

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For listeners who enjoy playful language debates, surreal hypotheticals, and a dash of potty humor, this episode delivers wall-to-wall laughs with Spitballers’ trademark warmth and wit.