
Dragon flight may come with some problems. A great round of What’s the Difference and a hilarious Children’s Book Character Battle Royale all make for one can’t miss episode. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!
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Josh
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Mike
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Andy
It's.
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Andy
What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Crooner.
Josh
All right. I don't even know if I would call that crooner.
Andy
No, I don't know what I. I'll be honest. Before the Spitball, I never heard the term crooner in my life. And then Mike brought it up once.
Josh
I mean, would you call that crooner? Mike?
Mike
Yes.
Josh
Okay, there you go. It's Crooner.
Andy
If you settle.
Mike
If you saw me driving with a hat and a cigar, you'd be like,
Josh
yeah, that's how you sound.
Mike
That's the driving crooner.
Josh
It was just pretty is buttery.
Mike
They're all smooth. And that was the thing.
Josh
Welcome in to The Spitballers, episode 324. Would you rather. What's the difference in a battle royale on today's show?
Andy
Well, going to murder you.
Josh
We'll let you know what it is in a little while.
Mike
Just don't look at the title.
Josh
Don't look at the title of the show. Add Spitballers Pot over on X. Let's kick it off.
Andy
Would you rather.
Josh
Would you rather have the speed of a cheetah, but only when barefoot? Okay. Or the strength of a gorilla, but only when you're holding a balloon? This is a really weird one. It's a really weird one.
Andy
You're. We're batting lead off with this.
Josh
Here's the. Here's the truth of the cheetah one. That would be the pick. Except if I could run that fast barefoot, how do I not injure myself?
Andy
You would injure your feet.
Josh
Because I like, I just don't think our feet as humans are as durable as a cheetah's feet. Like, I could not.
Andy
You don't have a paw.
Josh
Right. Like, when I run.
Mike
Tendons are not made for.
Josh
I'm not worried about my tendons.
Andy
You're worried about the speed.
Josh
I'm assuming the tendons are going to come part and parcel with the speed of a cheetah. It's all going to work. I'm worried about stepping on glass or stepping on a rod, anything like that. I can't see where I'm going. Ever run that fast?
Andy
It's pretty much you get to run fast in grass. Like, that's like, where else is there a comfortable enough plush footing that you can run long distances?
Mike
Oh, yeah.
Josh
Would you be okay at the beach?
Mike
Yeah, sure. Yeah, it should be fine. And the chance of stepping on something
Andy
at the beach, on a track, I will say this. It could be really valuable at the beach because sometimes you go to the beach in the summer, it's like, oh, I'm off.
Josh
Yeah. If you run that fast, do you feel heat underneath your feet?
Andy
I'm gonna say no.
Josh
I don't think no.
Mike
Average speed is 40 miles an hour.
Josh
That's a cheetah.
Andy
Holy moly.
Josh
I thought it was 60.
Mike
Well, no, that's the average. Their top speeds, they can go 65 to.
Josh
Dude.
Mike
Running. Running even 40. Running 40 miles an hour.
Josh
That would be awesome. The cheetah was by far my favorite animal growing up because of that speed. So cool.
Andy
It's fun. But see, a cheetah lives out in the wild and has to go hunt things. Where would we ever. You like, let's say you could run. You can just run with shoes on. Okay, new question. You got shoes on. You can run 40 miles an hour. When you just decide to sprint, you could sprint 40 miles an hour.
Josh
Would I run to work?
Andy
Where would you. Where would you use this?
Josh
Would I run to work?
Andy
No, it's not like you're not going to sweat.
Josh
Would I. Would you Run just like for your like, local shopping.
Andy
Like how fast I can do this in the grocery store. Check me out.
Mike
No, I just be racing people.
Andy
I'd race people. I'd race people once.
Josh
Cuz it would be like, nah, do
Andy
you don't want to raise this guy? What do you try.
Mike
But once I could. You think I can't. I don't have to run 40. I can run just barely faster than you. You ever. It's like the end of Incredibles when that. When Dash is running, they're like, go, go, go. No, too fast, too fast. Okay, now go.
Andy
What's.
Josh
What's with the gorilla holding a balloon?
Mike
Because situation. I mean, you're essentially one. You have one arm then.
Josh
So if you're holding a balloon, you've
Mike
got one very strong.
Andy
You got a little bit more than one arm.
Josh
I don't really know why you're holding the balloon.
Andy
If you're holding the balloon. I could still use, you know, I could hold. I guess if you have a balloon with like two fingers.
Mike
What do you call that thing there?
Andy
The string.
Mike
No, no, no, no. If I. When you try a balloon. And then there's the little floppy, rubbery belly button.
Andy
I like. These are called a tag. Tag. Makes sense. I knew what you meant. Like a skin tag. Yeah, but that can't be right.
Josh
I don't think it matters.
Andy
The balloon hole.
Mike
Bananas.
Josh
Look, if you.
Andy
I'm on it.
Mike
No.
Josh
Is the gorilla's strength so amazing?
Mike
Yes.
Josh
That it would change my life.
Sponsor Voice
Balloonist.
Mike
Thank you, Jeremy. I knew I said it wrong. Yeah. Gorillas are crazy strong.
Josh
I want to know how much compared to a human, can they lift? I mean, are they picking up.
Andy
I'm on it.
Josh
Are they picking up cars?
Mike
No.
Josh
Okay, so we got. Some are below picking up cars.
Andy
That's stupid.
Josh
I'm guessing they're not that strong.
Andy
It's called a neck.
Josh
Oh, you're looking up the.
Andy
Yeah, the balloon. I want to. I want a fun name.
Josh
The neck.
Andy
Some people may refer to it as the nozzle. That's a little better.
Josh
Nozzles good.
Andy
Nozzle's good.
Mike
Okay, what if I told you grab
Josh
it by the nozzle?
Mike
Let's see. So the. The strongest human weight lifters can only lift around £885. I'm not sure which exercise we're talking about where a silverback could lift. Oh, a silverback can lift over £4,000 on a bench press.
Josh
What?
Andy
£4,000?
Josh
They get them into bench presses.
Andy
I want to see. Yeah. How are they. How are they Testing this.
Josh
So then the book Congo. Anybody ever read the book Congo?
Andy
I saw the movie.
Mike
Yeah.
Josh
The movie's awful.
Andy
Wasn't good.
Mike
But that's why I didn't read the book.
Josh
But they. The gorillas would crush the skulls of the people.
Mike
Yeah, I bet they could do that.
Josh
So they could probably do that.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
I cannot take £4,000 of pressure.
Josh
They could just pop your skull and your. So I can do that with one hand. Do I get one hand of strength then?
Mike
Well, I mean, Jason's right. You can still have two hands. I was imagining, like, holding it like a football.
Andy
No, I think you just. You can't let go of the balloon, but you've got it. I mean, it's like you've got.
Mike
Oh, man, that would be a bummer.
Andy
You're in the middle of lifting something, and you drop the balloon and comes crashing down on you.
Josh
Yeah, that's fair. I mean, this might be the one time on a serious show like this where this question is too stupid for me to answer.
Andy
I'm going to go with the gorilla.
Josh
Okay.
Andy
Because I think I'll be able to use most of one hand, all of the other, and I'll use strength far more often than I would sprint anywhere.
Josh
I think knowing that you can actually escape anything would be valuable, because if you were out hiking or something and an animal came, you literally remember, they're like, don't run from a bear. No, I can run from a bear.
Andy
Wait, you're out hiking barefoot? Yeah, because have fun running 40 miles an hour on the mountainside.
Josh
I'm building my calluses up. If I know I have this super ability.
Andy
Just every day you're walking on the wall, barefoot, everything. Yeah, yeah.
Mike
I'll have this on the plus side,
Andy
if you're the gorilla, I'll just grab the animal coming at me and crush it.
Mike
You will always have balloons on you.
Andy
That's true.
Mike
Learn how to balloon animal.
Andy
They'll call me. Well, Mr. Balloon.
Mike
Why is that guy who's got a balloon? It's Mr.
Andy
Balloon. Yeah. No.
Josh
Which one did you go, Mike?
Andy
Not my.
Mike
I think Jason. Jason talked me into the gorilla.
Josh
Oh, my God.
Mike
I'm just. I'm balloons everywhere.
Josh
Grady from the website. Would you rather be able to write fly?
Andy
Does it say. Does it say that the balloon has to be inflated? Did it say it? Oh, because I can loophole this. I'll put a balloon right on my finger. Yeah, baby. I'm super strong. Don't take the balloon off my finger.
Josh
Is a balloon a balloon? If it's not inflated.
Andy
Yes. Yeah. I'll buy a bag of balloons. Inflated balloon.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Yeah. There's no other name for it. I got. Who. Who submitted this question.
Josh
That just doesn't feel like we don't know. Oh, it does say inflate it. It says inflated.
Andy
Oh, it does, yeah.
Mike
Oh, it's in big letters. Did you change that?
Josh
Yeah, I did. Grady from the website, would you rather be able to write flawlessly in any font?
Mike
That's pretty cool.
Andy
Wait, so handwrite in any font or
Josh
speak in any accent but not the language, just the accent?
Mike
Are we talking like I'm speaking English, but I will then have an accent?
Andy
Yeah. So you. You can speak in a Scottish accent. You can speak in a British accent.
Josh
If you have a British accent, you sound smarter. People take you more seriously many times.
Andy
I would say most of the time. I would say the vast majority of the time. So maybe not overseas, but in America.
Josh
If I was a judge in a courtroom and I had two lawyers and one has the British accent.
Andy
I trust.
Josh
Guilty.
Andy
I trust.
Josh
Whatever he says, I believe.
Mike
Yeah, I get that.
Josh
So here's the Pierce Brosnan.
Andy
Here's the problem with the handwriting. The handwriting flawlessly in any font is the stupidest thing ever, and let me tell you why. At the end, it looks like I typed this up.
Josh
Yes, it does. Yes, it does.
Andy
All I did was slowly type it up. In the end, I'm ending with a printed piece of paper.
Josh
I had the same thing, except it
Andy
took me four times as long. I can type, like, 100 words a minute.
Josh
Right?
Andy
I could write.
Mike
Just type. Or, like, you could write real big. You could do something on the wall.
Josh
Can you imagine if you just scribbled on a little notepad and handed me, like, a little Comic Sans note? How stupid.
Andy
I would never. I would never.
Josh
I'm a Comic Sans guy.
Andy
Don't you put that evil on me.
Mike
I don't know. You kind of look like a Comic Sans guy.
Andy
If you gonna be insulting, at least go like Impact. Don't Comic Sans.
Mike
What's wrong with Impact?
Andy
Impact is still a low. It's a low tier.
Mike
Impact is the meme font.
Josh
Okay.
Mike
Papyrus.
Josh
Oh, Papyrus.
Mike
I'm not Avatar.
Andy
Yeah, no, I'm. I'm Avenir. Next. Okay, that's my font.
Josh
That's not bad.
Mike
I don't even know the name.
Josh
We all know I'm Helvetica. I'm something boring.
Andy
Maybe times New Roman.
Josh
Yeah, Times old times. I'm Times old Roman.
Mike
Just insulting people.
Josh
I'll do the accent. I Think that that's just more exciting.
Andy
Well, you do a pretty good Scottish accent.
Josh
No, no.
Andy
You do. Watch. Listen, spitwads. Want to hear it?
Josh
Something to say.
Andy
Okay. So Scottish. Yeah. You want to. You want to.
Josh
Freedom.
Andy
Perfect.
Mike
There you go. Yeah, that's what he said.
Josh
Oh, boy.
Andy
You don't even need that one.
Josh
Ian from Patreon.
Andy
Remember your Australian actress?
Josh
Throw another shrimp on the bobby.
Andy
Do your Schwarzenegger drown? Get out of chopper.
Josh
Get down.
Mike
Yeah, that's much better.
Andy
Oh, sorry, Andy.
Mike
Get down.
Josh
Ian, for Patreon. Would you rather people think you are always lying or always being sarcastic even when you're not? Oh, man, I've run into the second one before. This was an actual problem for me in high school. Like an intervention level problem.
Mike
It is a massive problem at my house right now.
Josh
The sarcasm.
Mike
Yeah, My kids. Oh, I love it.
Josh
The sarcasm.
Andy
Dude.
Mike
Saying words funny is really underrated and we need to do it more. No, but, like, all three of my kids, like, literally the last few days, I've had to stop and say, guys, not everything has to be a sarcastic remark. I just.
Josh
Boy, who had wolf situation where I'm
Mike
like, hey, like, do you want some water?
Andy
Do you.
Mike
Do I look like I want some water? Like, oh, my God. Just answer the question. Just answer the question, man. You're driving me nuts.
Andy
I look like a fish. Yeah.
Mike
Oh, gosh. But sarcasm.
Andy
But if you always. If people always think that you're lying, that is way, way worse. I mean, you can't.
Josh
But then you just lie, which, I mean, sarcastic. You might be interpreted as a butthole.
Andy
Yes, yes.
Josh
But liar is.
Andy
You're interpreted as a liar. That is the thing.
Josh
Unless it's like a playful thing. Like, some people playfully lie all the time, Josh, you know?
Andy
Yeah.
Josh
Where they're just like, I think that's embellishing. See, that's not lying.
Andy
No, I know.
Josh
If you believe. But if you believe it.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
If you believe facts about yourself that are wrong, is that embellishing or lying? I think it's embellishing either. Really?
Josh
If you believe it's true, lying has to have intent. Right?
Andy
Right.
Mike
So it's not lying. It's embellishing.
Josh
I don't even.
Andy
Embellishing doesn't have to have.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Really?
Mike
Yeah. When you embellish something, you're like, I'm trying to make it sound better than it is.
Josh
But what if you believe it in your own.
Andy
You don't think that you could be embellishing something unknown to you? Like, that I could accidentally embellish you could.
Mike
I guess you could.
Andy
Can you accidentally lie? No, not really. Because lying to you,
Josh
it's an act.
Mike
You can accidentally not tell the truth.
Josh
I don't think you can accidentally embellish.
Andy
Okay, well, we've gone full circle here.
Josh
Yeah, maybe.
Andy
Yeah. You'd all be a liar.
Josh
That would be misremembered.
Andy
If you were known as a liar.
Mike
That would. That sucks.
Andy
And no one can trust you. No one around you can trust you. I feel like people would just call me Falcon. You know what I mean? They'd be like, I can't. Untrustworthy. A schemer. I have to be really careful around this person Now, Josh, you still your money.
Josh
You can't play any social deception games because you get voted out.
Andy
Yeah.
Josh
Does that mean because you're too convincing?
Andy
Yes. Oh, he's too good. He's the best. I'm the best at social. This is the embellishment.
Josh
It's becoming a real thing, man.
Mike
I can't do this because I'm the best.
Andy
I can't even play those games. Too good. I'm too good at these games, everybody. I'm not allowed. My friends won't let me play.
Josh
Oh, man.
Andy
Oh, man. Wait, you gotta go. I feel like he's red right now. Or. Can we. Yeah, there you go. Yes. Perfect.
Josh
If you're watching the Spitballers podcast on
Andy
YouTube, he took all of the falcon. He took the brunt of the falcon
Mike
jokes because we were at lunch and Josh was embellishing. Well, no, Josh. Josh was just being Josh. But then we brought it to his attention how much he is actually Josh. And. And he decided that he's like, I don't want to do that anymore.
Andy
Oh, he can't stop it. He can't stop it. It's just who he is, man.
Josh
I'm trying that. Maybe you could be, like, a playful liar. Like, if everybody knows that you're the goofball that always lies, maybe that could be.
Mike
I mean.
Andy
I mean, we're all going to take the sarcasm.
Josh
Yeah, I'm trying.
Mike
It doesn't matter.
Andy
Either way.
Mike
You have no friends if you're either of those people.
Josh
That's fair. Leslie submits this question to us from the website. Would you rather have the ability to become a dragon?
Mike
Oh, here we go.
Josh
At will.
Andy
Yes.
Josh
Which sounds awesome.
Andy
It's awesome.
Josh
Or be able to summon two dragons at will, completely under your control.
Mike
Adult dragons.
Andy
So under
Mike
this matters, of course.
Andy
Adult dragons.
Mike
What do you mean?
Andy
I just said dragons. It would specify.
Josh
You don't.
Andy
You don't Ever say adult dragon? You just say dragon. You say baby dragon.
Josh
Yeah.
Andy
If you just say a dragon.
Josh
Of course they're adults.
Andy
Oh, I got you. I said dragon, but it was.
Josh
Are we adolescent?
Andy
It's an egg.
Josh
Adolescent.
Mike
Just saying. When you're talking to a genie, you gotta be very specific.
Andy
All three dragons. So the two that you could summon or the one that you become are all adults.
Mike
Are you a human sized. Okay, no, no. You're becoming a.
Andy
You're not, you're just. You are full on dragon.
Josh
Okay, but here's the thing. This is a very, very definitive answer for me.
Andy
I think it is for me too. But I'm curious if anyone's on the other side so that they can convince me.
Josh
Well, we may be on the opposite.
Mike
I have more dragon questions.
Josh
I will 100%. I want the two dragons.
Andy
Oh, I am on the other side.
Josh
I get to fly because I'm flying on a dragon.
Andy
Sure. Don't fall off. I know.
Josh
No, I won't. Because every single person in the history
Andy
they'll catch with their what? Mouth that they're giant.
Mike
They'll fly under.
Josh
I've got a backup dragon to catch me. He could fly underneath the other dragon at all times. Come catch me.
Andy
I'm sure if you fell off the first dragon, flying at 45 miles an
Josh
hour is falling off the dragon 100%. Every movie, every show, every book.
Andy
I know.
Josh
There aren't people plummeting to their desks off of dragons. They're just fine.
Andy
Look, Daenerys makes it look easy, but that's fake this.
Josh
You don't know how to train your dragon.
Andy
Okay, I'm just saying, you get companionship,
Josh
you get a friend.
Mike
Yeah, you do friends.
Josh
You get two dragon friends.
Andy
You know how much money it's gonna cost?
Mike
Yeah, they eat a lot of dragons.
Josh
That's fine. I'm pretty sure they can find food.
Andy
They're dragons.
Mike
They can. But then eventually they figure out, the people figure out they're your dragons.
Andy
Yeah, they're gonna come run after you. Where's my cattle? Pay me for my cattle. They're gone.
Josh
Yeah, well, then the dragons eat them. It's fine. I'm in power. I'm good.
Mike
So now you understand what happened with Daenerys.
Andy
Yes. And now people are sick of losing their village. Dragon King. I'm the Dragon King and you're the Dolphin King. And then people start attacking your dragons. Eventually the people will kill the dragons.
Josh
Better them than killing me, the dragon.
Andy
Well, when it's you, the dragon, you could choose to not eat people.
Mike
Yeah. And you can choose to.
Josh
You know that people, when dragons come around, they don't let. They don't go, oh, I wonder if it's a nice dragon. They go, let's kill the dragon. That's what happens.
Mike
This is what I was asking. I said I had more dragon questions.
Josh
All right, give me your dragon question.
Mike
Which dragons are we talking about here? Because dragons in like. Like in Chinese lore, whatever kind ChatGPT
Josh
would create out of a picture. If you said, show me a dragon.
Andy
Yeah. And we're not talking Chinese dragons. Euro dragons.
Mike
And then there's.
Josh
Yeah, they're not the long ones with people inside.
Mike
Why not?
Josh
Because that's not a dragon, Mike.
Mike
It is a dragon.
Andy
It is a dragon.
Josh
If I say you're a giant lion in the middle of the. In the middle of the plains, you don't go, is it a mountain lion? You just. You know what it is.
Andy
Everyone does. Know what? When we say a dragon. You know what?
Josh
No one here pictured a Chinese dragon.
Andy
Daenerys was not riding a Chinese dragon like we've been talking about. I will say that there's.
Mike
I have questions.
Andy
There is a lot. It is less likely that a Chinese dragon would need to be murdered.
Mike
Yeah, they're. They're nice, right?
Andy
Magical.
Josh
I'm summoning these two dragons at will, which means I can unsummon them, which means I don't have to feed them.
Mike
Well, do they eat when they're unsummoned? Where do they go?
Josh
They're always full when I summon them.
Andy
Yeah, I think that's.
Mike
You're gonna see reports on news like, village raided again. 20 more humans are gone.
Andy
I think. I think Andy's right there. If you. If you summon them and then, you know, disappear them, it's like a pokeball. Yeah. They're just coming back at full strength. They're just sleeping and filling their meters while they're in another world.
Josh
Smoke and stack, get out here.
Andy
So I was on the I want to become a dragon side because I want to fly. Okay. You could say, oh, I get to fly. You can do that now. You could jump out of an airplane. You could fly in an airplane. I've flown at 30,000ft.
Mike
Yeah, well, you're not doing the fly in.
Andy
Oh, okay. Well, I'm not doing the fly in if I'm riding on a dragon, either.
Mike
I thought you were talking about you wanted to turn into a dragon.
Andy
No, I'm saying I do. I want to turn into a dragon because I want to fly. I want to feel the wind beneath my wings.
Josh
If you could transform into an eagle or summon one dragon, which would you choose?
Andy
Oh, it would be a dragon.
Josh
So the wind beneath your wings is only a partial?
Andy
Yeah, I mean, that's just, like, if we're talking dragons, I'd rather be one than summon one, but summoning two, I don't know. Is there any real advantage? Not unless I'm in, like, going to
Josh
war to have more than one dragon.
Andy
Yeah, like, where would I be? Like, man, that dragon I summoned, he just couldn't. Why would you need. If only I had two dragons.
Josh
Why would anybody need two dragons?
Andy
War. I mean, like, then. Okay, I've got an army to defeat.
Josh
I guess a backup dragon in case one gets sick.
Andy
Oh, can I or has to poop or something? Oh, yeah, you don't want to be under a dragon poop.
Mike
Goodness.
Andy
Now, if I am the dragon, I can aim that thing.
Mike
Yep.
Andy
I can go right over Andy's house. Be like, you're thinking, your pool's gonna get destroyed.
Josh
The benefit of you becoming a dragon
Andy
is pooping is just with dragon scat, laying a bomb. And you're.
Josh
That's a good nickname.
Andy
I'm emptying your pool. Like, yeah, I'm gonna be up top going cannonball.
Mike
Is there.
Josh
I mean, do we have precedent on dragon. Do we know if they don't just incinerate, like, they might just incinerate their.
Andy
Their poop.
Josh
Their waste.
Mike
Oh, internal fires in the mouth. Yeah, it's not in the.
Andy
If you watch.
Josh
What if a dragon eats chipotle, though? It's not just in the mouth.
Mike
Well, then it's gonna diarrhea. Yeah, you got a real big problem.
Andy
Now I get to spray it around even further.
Josh
How did we get here? How did we get here?
Andy
Yeah, I'm definitely becoming the dragon because of the poop me. Over the top.
Josh
Final answer, or do you have more questions?
Mike
My questions are limitless.
Andy
Not all about Chinese dragons, dude.
Mike
They're awesome. They're cool dragons.
Josh
Nobody's. Nobody's saying that other dragon versions are bad. We're just saying that people know what a dragon is.
Andy
Yeah, that's all.
Josh
That's all we're saying.
Andy
I don't think your original thought when it was like, you could turn into a dragon and you went, hold up. I mean, you did. You were like an adult.
Mike
Yeah, I got people. People have questions.
Josh
They have questions.
Mike
I will. I'm going to turn into a dragon.
Josh
Okay. It wouldn't be bad.
Andy
My man. Let's fly around together. Poop on Andy's house.
Josh
Are you giving people rides?
Mike
No.
Josh
Neither do you.
Mike
No.
Josh
If you could become a dragon, you're not giving a ride.
Andy
Well, I mean, for money, I will absolutely give rides.
Josh
Oh, for like, for money.
Andy
But the thing is, is that means I could turn away from being a dragon.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
At any time.
Josh
Oh, no. So I could just take and drop them.
Andy
Yeah. And then turn back into a dragon. Sorry. Want me to catch you now? Flying.
Josh
Oh, man. All right, we'll take a break. Got another segment for you, whether you like it or not.
Mike
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Josh
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Andy
Okay.
Josh
Embellishing.
Andy
Embellishing.
Josh
Now, what is the difference between a. Between craving, wanting and needing?
Andy
Okay, craving is specific.
Mike
Craving is what we have wants and need in here. And you're starting with a different one. Want versus need is the easiest layup of all time.
Andy
Well, then this will entirely be the easiest layup of all time.
Mike
Yeah, I think it. I think it's all easy. Go ahead.
Andy
Well, I mean, craving is only for one thing.
Josh
Wait, what?
Andy
You crave something specific. Oh, I'm craving chocolate.
Mike
But you crave a want. Can you crave a need?
Andy
No, I mean, you could crave a need. I'm craving water.
Josh
No, you can't crave water. You can't crave water.
Andy
You can't crave water.
Josh
No, a craving is a luxury.
Andy
Ooh.
Josh
A craving is something you have the privilege to crave. A man without food or water does not crave.
Andy
No, that's probably true.
Josh
They need them.
Andy
Yeah. So you cannot crave needs. You can't.
Josh
I don't think so.
Andy
No. Because if you need it.
Josh
I've got a craving for, like, air. I've got a craving for air.
Mike
A real hankering for some oxygen right now.
Josh
Yeah.
Andy
Yeah. Okay, that's. I mean, that is A craving is
Josh
more intense than wanting.
Andy
Craving is much more intense.
Josh
Yeah, that's the more like. I want a cookie. I'm craving a cookie. One of them.
Mike
It's just stronger.
Josh
It's just stronger.
Mike
Okay. And need is clearly. I mean, we all know what it is.
Josh
I think this one's pretty good.
Sponsor Voice
Yeah.
Andy
Yeah.
Josh
This one's for Mike, though. For a man of many questions, please help us. What is the difference between a robot, an Android? A cyborg? I feel like Mike knows the answer.
Andy
Already knows.
Mike
I mean, a robot is fully mechanical.
Josh
Okay.
Mike
Cyborg is, I believe, a cyborg.
Josh
Is that for cybernetic organism?
Mike
I believe. So a cyborg is like, you're still part human, but you're also part machine. And an Android, I believe, is a. It's like a robot designed to be a human. Human, yes.
Andy
That is correct. Yes, an Android.
Josh
But it's fully robot.
Andy
It's fully robot, but designed to look like. And Be like a human or like
Josh
a phone or to pass as humans. Just to be clear, then all androids are robots, but not all robots are androids?
Andy
Correct.
Josh
That's true.
Andy
That is right. That is true.
Josh
And so cyborgs have some organic material.
Andy
Yeah. And it doesn't have to be human. I was gonna correct Mike on that.
Mike
Oh, okay.
Josh
That's fine.
Andy
You could be a cyborg dog. Yes.
Josh
Dragon.
Andy
Oh, a cyborg dragon.
Josh
Cyborg, Chinese dragon.
Andy
You know what a dragon is, Andy? Man, we are crushing this.
Josh
So Android then is just a humanoid flavored robot?
Mike
Yeah, because it's like, think about your Roomba. That's a robot.
Josh
So Data from Star Trek was an Android. Correct.
Andy
He was an Android, but the boars were mistaken.
Josh
Cyborgs. Oh, gosh.
Andy
They were called the Borgs.
Mike
Hold on. Did we just figure something out?
Andy
The Borg were stuck.
Josh
The Borg were Borg.
Andy
Duh. Wow, I'm dumb. What happens when something becomes so ubiquitous that it changes the meaning? Like Android. When I hear Android is a phone, I'm thinking of a phone.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
There's no human aspect to that. Are they allowed to hijack that?
Josh
No.
Andy
Are they allowed to? So then we need to call them.
Josh
They're subservient to the original meaning.
Andy
Okay.
Josh
Now, will at one point an Android operating system run on a real Android is the real question.
Mike
I would say likely.
Josh
It seems like that's going to be the case, right?
Andy
Probably, yeah.
Josh
Now, did you say Android has to be a humanoid?
Andy
Yes.
Mike
Yeah.
Josh
So unlike cyborg, which could be other animals.
Andy
Right.
Josh
An Android camp. You can't have an Android dog.
Mike
Correct.
Josh
That would be a robot dog.
Mike
Yeah. Robo dog.
Josh
Okay, what is the difference between sanitizing, disinfecting and decontaminating? This is gonna be some work, guys.
Andy
Yeah, this one. Okay, now we got the hard ones, man.
Josh
Long words, lots of letters.
Andy
Sanitizing, disinfecting, and decontaminating. Decontaminating has poop or throw up in it.
Josh
Oh, really?
Mike
It's got contaminants.
Andy
Yeah, yeah, but it's gross. But you also have the dish. It's not just virus or bacteria to me. Decontaminating is disgusting.
Josh
Huh?
Andy
If you're decontaminating it, something gross is in there. Like you can disinfect something you can't even see. A counter can look clean and you could disinfect it. You can't decontaminate a counter.
Josh
If something is contaminated, it has become bad has been mixed into it.
Andy
Bad has been mixed into it. Not just bad.
Josh
Gross.
Andy
Gross, gross has been mixed into it.
Josh
No Wait, so you could contaminate? Like if I had.
Mike
It can't just be surface level then, right?
Josh
If I had a box.
Andy
No, it can't.
Josh
Oh, wait, it can't.
Andy
I don't think so.
Josh
If I had a box of cereal and you peed in it, would it be contaminated?
Mike
Oh, yeah, because that's in the cereal.
Andy
Good luck decontaminating that.
Josh
So if you have to decontaminate. That's a throw out. You have to throw it out.
Andy
That's a throw out.
Josh
If decontamination involves throwing things away. Well, not just spraying them or sanitizing them.
Andy
No, if you throw it out, you're not decontaminated.
Josh
But the room. You take the bad thing out of the room, the room's decontaminated. If there's a poop in the room and I remove the poop.
Andy
Sure. Did I decontaminate 100%.
Josh
Then I spray, spray, spray. That's disinfecting, right?
Andy
Because you're gonna have leftover particles you can't see.
Josh
And what about the sanitizing, though?
Andy
Yeah, sanitizing and disinfecting. These are. These are tight. These are siblings.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
They're not cousins. You know what I mean?
Josh
Disinfecting and sanitize. Disinfect. Take away the infection. Sanitize. That's a positive way. It's a positive spin.
Mike
Yeah. So no disinfecting.
Josh
I'm doing something.
Mike
I think you hit it. Disinfecting, it's related to an infection. Right, where sanitize is just germs that could become an infection.
Andy
You're right. I know.
Josh
It's right there in the word.
Andy
No, it's right there in the word. Oh, my gosh.
Josh
It's almost like the words are made to tell us what they mean.
Andy
I mean, disprefects means it's infected. Sanitizing is pre infection. Yeah.
Josh
To make sure you don't have an infection that you need to disinfect.
Mike
Right, Right. You gotta sanitize the cut. If you take a dump or it would get infected.
Andy
Right. And if you take a dump on the cut, you're gonna need to decontaminate.
Josh
Okay. All right. I think I'm listening. Deucers out over there.
Mike
This is.
Andy
We know what the difference is between words.
Josh
Are we helping out a lot?
Andy
No.
Mike
What? What are we getting wrong?
Andy
Fire that.
Josh
Let me guess. You know more about it. All of it.
Andy
It's all wrong.
Mike
What are we getting wrong, Joe?
Andy
So the first thing is, when you decontaminate something, a contamination can be inorganic. It's not an organic thing, so it's not always for me. Oh, my gosh. Turn his microphone up. It's poop and pee, Josh.
Josh
It's pooping pee.
Andy
It's poop and pee. You can have a lot of contamination. There's a lot of things that can contaminate something. Yes, there are three things. I said two. There's poop, pee, and throw up. Okay, there's three different things that can contaminate something.
Josh
I mean, you remember the movie E.T.
Andy
yeah. No. Yes. I'm sorry.
Josh
To do that, they had to do some decontamination in that movie. Remember that?
Mike
Remember?
Josh
They'd set up all those big tubes where they'd have to go into, like, a decontamination chamber.
Mike
Sanitizing.
Andy
Yeah, they were sanitizing for sure.
Josh
But don't you have to go through it? Like, if you were out walking around on a planet that was full of bad stuff, then you got to go back to your hideout.
Andy
No one's sick yet.
Josh
That's what they call it.
Andy
No one's sick yet. Nothing's gross yet. You don't want to bring anything back.
Josh
You go into a decontamination chamber.
Andy
Are you sick?
Josh
Am I right, Josh?
Andy
Are you sick in that chamber?
Josh
No, I'm not. Because I got a suit on, but I want to bring it in.
Andy
Exactly. Is it gross? Is it gross in that chamber? Are you gross?
Josh
I don't.
Andy
Do you have pee, poop, or vomit on you?
Josh
No.
Andy
Then you're sanitizing. It's a sanitation stuff chamber.
Josh
All right, we.
Andy
I think it's. Any hazmat situation anytime there's a hazardous material.
Josh
We're not looking for real answers here. What is the difference between a catchphrase?
Mike
Confused what this show is.
Andy
Yeah, you guys are getting upset over science.
Josh
We are giving you.
Andy
This is truth.
Josh
Truth, not science.
Mike
Get your facts out of here.
Josh
What is the difference between a catchphrase, a motto, and a slogan?
Mike
Okay.
Andy
Oh, here we go.
Josh
A motto is for a not for profit organization.
Andy
Really?
Josh
I don't know. I figured a slogan is for profit. I was trying to figure that out. Catchphrase is just a person. A person's got a catchphrase? Yeah, a motto's like a motto.
Andy
Isn't that something you live by? Like a slogan is like a tagline, but a motto.
Josh
Do you live by a motto?
Mike
I think you live by a motto.
Andy
I think you do.
Josh
You can't have paid a company to give you a motto that's. You come up with it.
Andy
Right. You know, a lannister always pays its debts. That's the motto.
Josh
That's a family motto.
Mike
Yeah, yeah, I'm with that.
Josh
So a slogan, though, that's gotta be paid for. Do you pay an advertising company to get you a slogan?
Andy
If you have to pay in one of two ways, you either pay to receive it, or once you come up with it on your own, you pay to proliferate it. You are trying to get the slogan out there.
Mike
Are you trying to get people to turn it into their motto, though? There's a slogan, a motto before, like,
Josh
the best a man can get. Yeah, that's slogan.
Andy
Right? That's a slogan. And I don't think you could turn that into a motto. No, I don't think a motto is from the heart.
Josh
You live by a motto. Yeah, that's why I was thinking like a. Not organization anymore. No motto.
Andy
Yeah, I know. What's a motto? Like, that's all I could think of, but I didn't want to make the joke. The word. Once you say motto enough.
Josh
Boy Scout motto is to be prepared.
Mike
Exactly.
Andy
That's what we're going to live by.
Mike
Be prepared. But that could be a slogan, too.
Josh
What if.
Andy
Well, for like. Like tums.
Josh
Yeah, yeah.
Andy
Tums.
Josh
Yeah.
Andy
Be prepared.
Mike
But.
Andy
But, you know, the words can mean different things.
Mike
Right?
Andy
But a motto is like, how you want to live.
Mike
But if you. Like if I were the Tums guy, and every time you're like, hey, Mike, can I have a tum? So I say, be prepared. That's my catchphrase.
Andy
When life eats lemons, that would be your catchphrase. You got jammed.
Josh
When life keeps lemons, make lemonade. What is that?
Andy
That's a motto.
Mike
That's more of a.
Josh
That ain't a slogan.
Andy
That's none of these.
Mike
I don't think it's.
Andy
Yeah, that's none of these. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. That's a.
Mike
What an idiom?
Andy
Yeah, yeah, it's an idiom.
Josh
Catchphrase. A catchphrase is.
Mike
It probably started as a catchphrase.
Josh
Yeah, somebody started saying it a lot.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
And they're like, oh, we got these lemons. It was like, I got to make lemonade.
Josh
What is the difference between remembering, recalling and reminiscing? Reminiscing has to be dwelling on the past.
Andy
Yeah, but reminiscing is always positive.
Mike
Yes.
Andy
You don't reminisce on bad times.
Josh
Oh, do I not let me.
Andy
No, you don't. You can remember bad things.
Josh
I got in a car accident when I was 17. Do I reminisce about that?
Andy
No. No, you don't reminisce.
Josh
I was reminiscing about that car accident.
Andy
No, reminiscing is good old days. Is the good old days.
Josh
I can remember car accident. I can recall it.
Andy
Absolutely. So then what's the difference between recalling and remembering does.
Josh
I don't know if there is one.
Andy
So here's my thought that it might be. I feel like when I remember something, I'm just remember. I'm just. I remember this fact. I remember this. But if I've got to work hard to remember it, like, I've got to recall it. I've got to think, and it's going to take me a while, and then I recall.
Josh
Does Mike have a good memory or good recall?
Andy
He's got a good memory. It doesn't take him any effort.
Josh
Is he remembering things from the 90s?
Andy
He's remembering everything. No, when he recalls is when he has to stop and think real hard.
Josh
You think recalling is harder than remembering?
Andy
I do.
Josh
Is that what you're saying?
Andy
Is what I'm saying I think recalling is more difficult
Mike
or is it just you're being more rude about it because you're like, when I'm. When I want to prove you wrong, I like. If I'm like, hey, I remember it differently, or I go, I seem to recall. Oh, that you did. Like, I'm selling you. I remember what happened, but I'm being. But I rude about it.
Josh
So you think it's more rude to say, I recall this?
Mike
Yes.
Josh
Then I remember this.
Mike
Yes.
Josh
So remember, I seem to recall.
Mike
Yes.
Andy
When you say I seem to recall.
Josh
Oh, you don't. You can misremember. You can't misrecall.
Andy
That's right. Recall something.
Josh
So if you recall something, is it infallible?
Andy
It's infallible. You cannot recall something wrong.
Josh
Did that help at all? Doosers. Let's try this again.
Andy
If you can't recall something wrong, why would somebody say, if I recall correctly?
Mike
Because, you know, you're right.
Andy
Oh, yeah. You're playing. This is all part of the word game, Jer. Okay, then, yes, I learned something.
Mike
You're saying, I remember, and the fact that you don't remember makes you an idiot.
Josh
If I recall your pants fell down,
Andy
which I'm reminiscing about that right now. You're not. You can't. It was bad for you.
Josh
Oh, man. So I can reminisce about something that happened to you that brought me entertainment, even if it brought you sadness And
Andy
I'm gonna have to remember that.
Mike
It's the good old days.
Josh
Oh. So if you trip and fall or. Let's do it more. Less hypothetical.
Andy
Oh, yeah. Jeremy.
Josh
If you throw a pass to Jeremy Al Borland.
Andy
That was five years ago. He remembers right away.
Josh
Remember it like it was yesterday.
Andy
I can't reminisce about that.
Josh
That at all. And we threw him an easy to
Andy
catch pass and he, he fell like a bag of potatoes.
Josh
And so we often reminisce about that. But you do not.
Andy
Yeah, that's.
Josh
I, I remember. But you recall it, don't you?
Andy
I. No, I remember it.
Josh
Okay.
Andy
You remember it like it was yesterday. Remembering it was easy.
Josh
All right. I think we did it. It's time to draft.
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Andy
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Josh
Learn more@adobe.com do that with Acrobat.
Andy
The Spitballers draft.
Josh
Well, it has been a long while since we've done a battle royale draft, but the three of us have stepped back into the arena and we are drafting children's book characters to form a team and we'll battle each other to the death using these characters. And I will be honest with you, this one's pretty tough. It's pretty tough because a kids book character, not normally violent. Not normally.
Mike
Some are.
Josh
I mean rarely are they not mild mannered. Yeah, that's the big challenge.
Andy
And also in a fight, you know you're going to need some power. It's hard to find real powerful children's
Josh
book characters, but we're going to give it a go because that's what we do. And Mike, you got the first pick. You seem so confident.
Mike
Well, because sometimes you have a character in a book. Sometimes they're big, sometimes they're bad. Sometimes they can huff and they could puff and they could blow your house down. I'm taking the big bad wolf, baby. I don't build no houses out of sticks in this fight.
Josh
It was. It was on my list. It would have been drafted by me. It's a great pick. It's a wolf. You want a wolf in the arena? I will. I will bring up that this wolf, if you really think about, would blow the house down and then it would let him get away and build another whole house. Yeah.
Andy
And it couldn't blow down.
Josh
Why did they get to build a whole house? He could have eaten them anytime they're building the house.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
And he couldn't have.
Mike
Well, he wasn't around for the building,
Josh
so he blows it down and then they run off.
Andy
Catch a pig. Your wolf can't catch a pig.
Mike
He can 100% catch a pig. He's a little cocky here.
Josh
If we drafted a pig, we'd be safe.
Andy
No, no.
Mike
Only if you draft the pig who builds out a brick.
Josh
Okay.
Andy
That's true. Well, no, the. All three. The pigs that built. The pig that built out of straw was totally safe because of the guy
Mike
who built out of brick.
Andy
So long as we don't wear a red, we are fine.
Josh
Let me ask you one question real quick. How many pigs did he eat in the story?
Andy
Yeah. There's three of them. A lot of chances.
Mike
How many in that particular event? None.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
But that's because of the events prior. It's not a problem. He toys with the pigs and he eats them.
Josh
All right, all right.
Mike
He's thinking. He's bad guys.
Josh
Big bad.
Mike
He's big bad.
Andy
Big bad. Big bad.
Josh
Big bad. Wolf is off the table. Jason, you have picks to make.
Andy
I have picks to make. And I'm going to take some magic in my first pick.
Josh
Okay.
Andy
I'm going to cause some chaos. I'm going to have fun doing it. Oh, I'm taking the Cat in the hat.
Mike
Oh, yeah.
Josh
I feel like of all the children's books characters, that would be you.
Andy
Thank you.
Josh
I feel like you might be the cat in the hat.
Andy
I love chaos.
Josh
Who is also the Jim Carrey of children's books.
Andy
I love magic. And Mike Myers of children's books. Yeah. Nice.
Josh
Oh, he was okay.
Andy
Yeah.
Josh
Should have been Jim Carrey.
Mike
Go well.
Josh
Would have been a better movie. Okay. Cat in the hat. All right, I like it. I will go with, is the cat
Mike
magic or is the hat magic?
Andy
Either way, he's got it. No, no, I think it's the cat. I do think it is the cat.
Josh
How much time, though, in the fight with us in the arena will you spend just, like, using your powers to tidy up?
Mike
That's the end. He's making a huge mess.
Josh
Oh, at the end. So the arena will look, like, perfect at the end.
Andy
At very end, but beforehand, it's going to be a disaster.
Josh
Oh. So the arena, like, personnel, want the cat in the hat to win.
Andy
Yes.
Josh
They're for the cleanup.
Andy
They're rooting for me for sure.
Josh
All right, I got two picks. I'm taking. I'm not taking the big and the bad. I'm taking the big and the red.
Mike
Yeah.
Josh
I'm taking Clifford, the big red dog. It's huge. It's so big. It's bigger than a house.
Andy
It's like a dragon on land.
Josh
Yeah, it's.
Mike
He's. He's a puppy, right?
Andy
He is a puppy, which is probably worse. I've had labs, and when labs grow up, they're lazy, they're calm, they want to lay down. When you got a lab puppy, there's a chance. Oh, brother.
Josh
There's a chance. He tries to play.
Andy
Oh.
Mike
The whole time he's playing, but he's
Josh
so big that if you play. If you play with him, the cat
Andy
in the hat is going to be riding your Clifford.
Mike
Just.
Andy
I will be taking him on my pet. I'm a rubbing behind the ears. Put a little magic out there, and I'm going to have him trample everyone else.
Josh
How much can the cat in the hat do? I don't know. Did you draft Harry Potter? What did you draft?
Andy
I don't know.
Mike
No one knows.
Josh
No one knows, right?
Mike
No.
Josh
He's a cat inside a hat.
Mike
And is the cat the one with the magic, or is that thing one and thing two?
Josh
No, they come out of the hat.
Andy
Yeah. They're just separate. Oh, man.
Mike
Do they come.
Josh
They don't care which. I thought about drafting. I thought about drafting those. I will go with. I'm going to go with the wild things.
Andy
Oh, that was my next pick. That was my next pick. You get one, you get a wild thing.
Josh
I was wondering if I got one or not. Do I get a pack of wild things?
Mike
You don't get.
Josh
You both think I get a wild thing?
Andy
Yeah, you get a character.
Josh
Fine. I will take a wild thing.
Andy
Yeah.
Josh
It's a monster for sure, for sure. And they're pretty creepy looking.
Andy
Oh, they're amazing looking. That is very sharp.
Josh
That book is my favorite.
Andy
That is my favorite children's book. I read that to my first son so much. I. No joke, had the entire book memorized. I could just show them the pictures and turn the page. It was like every day for years.
Mike
Pajama time for us.
Andy
Oh, really?
Mike
Did you ever do pajama time?
Andy
No.
Mike
Oh.
Josh
Oh, that book.
Mike
Yeah. You're lucky.
Josh
Yeah. I think ours was like, pout, pout Fish. But that's not a great draft. Not a great draft pick. Jason, you have the Cat in the Hat. You are back on the clock. I have Clifford and a wild thing Mike with the huffing and the puffin.
Andy
Yeah, well, the Cat in the Hat wants friend. Oh, no, Cat in the Hat wants friend. That's very nearby universe. A little bit more magic, a little bit more mischief, and a lot of mustache. Give me the Lorax. Oh, okay.
Mike
That's not where I thought we were going.
Josh
I wish I knew more about the Lorax. About the Lorax. I think he's got, like, some forest powers. He tries to know what he does.
Andy
I've seen the movie. I know he's.
Josh
You like the mustache?
Andy
I love them. I Love the mustache. DeVito rocks in that.
Josh
I do not. I do not know anything about the forest. In the forest, deucers. Weigh in if you know more about the lore.
Mike
He lives in the forest. He's like. He's supposed to be the voice and
Sponsor Voice
the protector of the trees.
Mike
And then the mean companies come in and they cut all the trees down.
Andy
Okay, he speaks for the trees.
Mike
Yeah, there you go. He speaks for the trees.
Andy
But in a battle setting, meaning manipulating or summoning natural forces. Vines, trees, roots to entangle, trap or attack opponents. That's according to.
Josh
I have done a Google search that I don't want to get into.
Andy
But apparently the Lorax he focused on,
Josh
the mustache has been banned in some locations because of its negative portrayal of the logging industry.
Mike
I told you, the whole thing is the big bad machines come in and cut down all the trees.
Josh
Okay, You've got the Lorax. You're more like. You're like a. You would hold up like a anti logging sign during the fight.
Andy
Yeah, yeah, that's right. I will protest.
Mike
He'll climb in that tree. He'll stay there the whole time.
Josh
Okay, okay. All right, Mike, you got two picks.
Mike
I thought this is where you were going. Jay of Mischief. I don't know that I'd call him a magical guy. I don't think that he's got magic, but
Josh
his.
Mike
He can be very strong when his heart gets real big. I'm going to take the Grinch.
Josh
Yep. That's where I thought he was going, too.
Mike
I thought you were going Cat in the Hat Grinch. And I was like, we need to log out, because that combo. It's over.
Andy
Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. He doesn't really have magic.
Mike
No, I don't. Yeah. He just has Brute.
Andy
But he does have Jim Carrey. If I could have had Jim Carrey and Michael. Man.
Josh
If you could combine. If you could put Mike into two characters, the Big Bad Wolf and the Grinch.
Andy
Yeah, that's very Mike.
Josh
Because Mike. Mike is like. He's gonna huff and puff and blow your house down, but he probably won't eat you.
Andy
His heart will evade.
Josh
He just wants you to think he would.
Andy
He's grouchy. He wants to not talk to you.
Mike
He wants to be alone.
Andy
But then his heart's gonna grow three sizes. Oh, he's not gonna be able to do badly.
Josh
Most children's books were written about Mike. He was the protagonist. All right, you got another pick.
Mike
One more pick. Okay.
Josh
That's a duo, though. The Big Bad Wolf and the Grinch.
Mike
And. And I'm gonna get. I'm gonna. Little telekinesis going on here. Okay. Oh, I will be taking Matilda.
Andy
Oh, I'm so happy you did that.
Josh
Explain. Explain that. Remind me. I can't recall.
Andy
I can't recall. Matilda.
Mike
No, Matilda is. It's the story.
Josh
A movie, though, right?
Mike
Yeah, but.
Andy
And there's an awesome musical. The.
Mike
She was so smart. And that. And no one was giving her enough knowledge that eventually, like, it's her.
Andy
She.
Josh
Just.
Mike
Because she's so smart, she eventually figures out telekinesis.
Josh
Okay.
Mike
And knocks over a glass of water with a.
Josh
So she can mess with.
Andy
She can push with her mom.
Sponsor Voice
Yeah.
Andy
Yep.
Josh
But not. Is this like the force from. From Star Wars?
Mike
It's not as strong as.
Josh
Not as strong.
Andy
Not as strong.
Mike
She has to think really hard to
Josh
do it, though, so she's got to concentrate.
Andy
Yeah.
Josh
And is it little things only?
Andy
Probably.
Josh
I don't know if I can say.
Mike
Yes, we never.
Andy
She can't lift a house.
Mike
No, no, no, no.
Sponsor Voice
Not a house.
Josh
But maybe a little pebble she could pick up and take.
Andy
Oh, for sure she can. Objects, books, things like that.
Mike
She can slay a giant.
Andy
I'm just happy because I've got Could
Josh
she throw the hat while the cat's still on? Oh, the hat.
Andy
I could knock the hat right off.
Mike
That's what I'm doing.
Josh
What happens if the hat gets flipped on its head and then it's like, can the cat get out through the bottom if the hat. It's facing downward?
Andy
Yeah, just stand up.
Josh
Oh, it does. Oh, okay.
Andy
I did look into it, and it seems that the cat is the magic, not the hat. So you're safe if he knocks your hat off. All right, good. I'll just, like, zip it right back to me with magic. All right, well, here's why I was happy you took Matilda.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
Because we had a whole long talk beforehand, like, what is a children's.
Mike
This is where we're pushing the line.
Andy
This is where we're pushing the line because it's like, you know, we're not taking Harry Potter here. We're not taking the Narnia series. Not teenagers, not young adults that kids sometimes read. We want children's books, you know, 10 and under. We want, you know, Dr. Seuss and these famous. Enrolled all. Thank you, sir. So give me the Big Friendly Giant.
Mike
He's on my list. But that F is doing a lot of heavy work.
Andy
Yes. But you know who's gonna love the Big Friendly Giant? Clifford. It's just a dude and his dog. He's like, oh, you're my size.
Josh
That is. The challenge with BFG was number two
Mike
on my list over here.
Josh
That's the challenge with some of these picks, because one of the. And I'll just reveal it. You can take him. You can. If you think you can coax this character into fighting, you can. But Ferdinand the Bull, okay. That story, it's a bull. You'd think you'd want a bull. But the whole point of the story is Ferdinand doesn't fight.
Andy
Yeah.
Josh
So it's like he's just going to lay down. I can't.
Mike
I had John Cena.
Josh
I can't take it.
Mike
Yeah, that was a book.
Josh
It was Ferdinand. Yeah, that was a book.
Andy
Yeah. And a bad movie.
Josh
And a bad movie.
Mike
It was not.
Josh
I'm guessing in the movie, he doesn't fight because that's the book.
Andy
Yeah.
Josh
But I have actually.
Mike
Way different than the book.
Andy
They should have got Jim Carrey.
Josh
That's the answer to so many things.
Andy
Work for Sonic.
Josh
I'm gonna. I'm gonna go a little. I'm gonna go a little battle. I feel like I'm battling the big bad wolf with this pick because of.
Mike
Are you gonna draft bricks?
Josh
Bricks is not a character in a children's book, Mike. But I know that this story, like, it keeps going. And I imagine if somebody didn't stop it, it would have kept going even further. So I probably got a shot here. I'm taking the old lady who swallowed a fly.
Andy
Oh, okay.
Josh
Because she swallowed a fly.
Andy
Why?
Mike
Well, you don't know why she swallowed a fly.
Andy
Thank you, Mike.
Josh
You don't know. Perhaps she'll die. But she didn't. A spider, a bird, a cat. She swallowed a dog, a cow, a horse. If someone didn't stop the story. She swallows a wolf. I don't know if you knew that.
Andy
Really.
Josh
She swallows a wolf and a Grinch and she swallows a Lorax for sure.
Mike
This story feels like eventually it's the snake that eats its own tail.
Josh
It might. But you'll all be.
Mike
By the end, there'll still be nothing left.
Josh
Yeah. So I'm taking the old lady who swallowed a fly.
Mike
Wow. Not on my radar, but I like it.
Josh
And you know what? From Winnie the Pooh, I'm taking Tigger.
Andy
Ah.
Josh
I feel like he's going to be a good. That's a good Tigger. He does a good job. First of all, he's a tiger.
Andy
Yeah. Second of all, he can jump.
Josh
He can battle the Cat in the Hat in the chaotic department. Right. Because he doesn't. He's well meaning, but he causes problems.
Mike
Yeah.
Josh
So, you know, I'm counting on Tigger and Clifford to accidentally kill you. That's the accidental trampling.
Mike
The old lady is the same thing.
Andy
She's just starving.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
She's just famished.
Josh
Famished. She's craving is what she's doing.
Andy
Yeah.
Josh
It's not a want, it's not a need. She's craving a fly.
Mike
Oh, man.
Josh
So I do have to start her off with, like, a few of the animals beforehand. The fly, the spider, the bird, whatever, and get her primed for you. But that does. That's my pick.
Andy
All right. Does that mean I'm up?
Josh
It does.
Mike
It does.
Andy
Is this my last pick?
Josh
It is.
Andy
Oh, man. What is? My team.
Mike
You got the Cat in the Hat, the Lorax, and the bfg.
Andy
All right, so I got some size. I got some magic.
Josh
Big Friendly Giant was a. That was a good pick.
Andy
Got some size. I got some magic, and I think I want some machinery.
Josh
You do, huh?
Andy
I got magic size machinery. I'm taking.
Josh
You didn't mention the Lorax at all in your story of what you got.
Andy
Well, it's magic. He's magic, too.
Josh
Okay.
Andy
Magic size and machinery in the little engine that could. Oh, you're taking a train. That's right. I'm taking a train.
Mike
I'm gonna run you all over.
Andy
But I mean, he doesn't need tracks.
Josh
He does story a lot. What?
Andy
He goes anywhere he wants.
Josh
Really? That's gonna suck. If he needs tracks, though, a little engine, he's just sitting out there.
Andy
But he could. You might think, you might watch him there. If I get in there, you might watch him and think, oh, he can't do this.
Mike
What?
Andy
And that's the point. He wants you to think he can't do it, but it turns out he can.
Josh
I think I can. I think I can.
Andy
I think I can. I think I can. And he does.
Mike
Where?
Andy
What?
Josh
But he might need. He might need tracks.
Mike
Thinks is leading you to believe that he doesn't need tracks.
Andy
I don't remember the pictures.
Mike
Okay.
Josh
It's a train, man.
Andy
It's like putting what's inside. The story is that he can. I think I can. I think I can. So if you don't have tracks, you say, oh, he can't do it. I think I can. I think I can. He can.
Josh
Without tracks, I think he can't.
Mike
You think you can't. Look positive thinking is great. Can only get you so far.
Josh
Yeah, man.
Mike
If you don't got no tracks, then you're just gonna be spinning your wheels.
Josh
This friendly Little engines is standing in the corner of the arena.
Mike
You gotta believe he's your moral support.
Josh
Yeah, I think you can. I think you can.
Mike
You got this, Lorax.
Josh
Yeah. The logging industry is doomed.
Andy
I've got an engine. I've got a train. I'm gonna run you over.
Josh
All right, Mike, you've got Matilda, the Big Bad Wolf, and the Grinch. And you got one more pick.
Mike
Oh, man. I'm gonna go like this is. This could work terribly, but I think I'm. We're going so small that you're like your giant dog. It won't be an issue.
Josh
Okay.
Mike
Because I'm gonna get you with a tiny little bug.
Josh
All right.
Mike
Taking charlotte.
Josh
Oh, the spider.
Andy
Yeah, it was a black widow, right? Yeah, I'm on it.
Mike
It absolutely was. Or a brown recluse.
Josh
Yeah, it was one of them dirty spiders.
Mike
Either way, Jason can't be a part of this fight anymore.
Josh
Well, there will be a nice, calm spot to spin a web on the train in the corner.
Andy
Tell you that.
Mike
And then if you get Charlotte.
Andy
Oh, it's definitely not. It's definitely not. A black widow. Because it's an orb weaver spider. They spend classic, beautiful, circular webs. That is not what it is.
Josh
The web. The plan. No, like, spin it up into it.
Andy
Go, team.
Mike
The plan is actually all. That's good. Yeah, I forgot about the writing. Yeah, I forgot the book. No, it was actually.
Josh
What does he say? That's a heck of a pig. Or what is. What is.
Mike
I don't know.
Andy
I don't know.
Mike
But anyway, my plan is the babies. I was gonna, like, unleash the.
Andy
I mean, I will not be thousands of.
Mike
That's what I'm saying.
Andy
But my warriors will be.
Mike
Yeah, but they're. Your leader is gone.
Andy
Yeah, well, my leader went with the cat in the hat.
Josh
Some pig. It's some pig.
Andy
Some pig.
Josh
Or Terrific, Radiant, humble. These are things you could spin in your web. Mike.
Mike
She's very smart for a spider.
Josh
Okay, did you guys have. I had a lot of Curious George.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
He's on my list.
Josh
George was on the Very hungry caterpillar, But I was.
Mike
He was on my list.
Josh
Doubling up on the old lady with the fly.
Andy
You're just.
Josh
Yeah, I'm just eating stuff.
Mike
Harold. And the purple crayon was on my
Andy
list, but I had. I had Horton because he's an elephant. But it was very similar to the bull, where it's like, he's not a tough guy. Elephant. The tough guy. The one that really, I maybe should have drafted because you want to talk about.
Josh
Instead of the trackless engine gone.
Andy
I think he can be okay.
Mike
He's.
Josh
I'll give you one set of tracks. Just long enough. Just as long as the.
Mike
As him go back and forth.
Andy
I think I can magic some tracks with my team. But mama bear.
Mike
Oh, I had Papa Cubear on my list.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
I mean, I'm just from Berenstain Bear.
Andy
Mine was not.
Josh
Yeah.
Andy
Mine was from Goldilocks.
Josh
Oh.
Andy
Because mama bear gonna come in and be angry. Yeah. And, you know, I feel like the Berenstein bears. I had them on my list first. Because he's a bear.
Josh
Mama didn't take no crap in that book.
Andy
Yeah. I had Franklin the turtle.
Josh
Oh, gosh. Go in your. Go in your shell.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
I mean, just turtle up.
Josh
Yeah, the.
Mike
I mean, I had Max, but then you took the wild thing.
Josh
A bear. A bear would have been a good pick, but I think you did the right thing with a train.
Mike
Did you guys ever read the Mouse and the motorcycle?
Andy
Nope.
Josh
Yeah.
Mike
With Ralph S. Mouse.
Andy
Nope.
Josh
Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Mike
His whole thing was.
Josh
I can recall that he is a.
Mike
He's a mouse and he had a toy motorcycle. But when he made motorcycle sounds, it drove. So the plan was just to have this mouse making the fist, just driving around on a tiny little motorcycle.
Sponsor Voice
You'll never catch.
Andy
I had not bad Ms. Frizzle and maybe.
Mike
Oh, Ms. Frizzle would have been an elite pick.
Andy
And I. I didn't know if I would be a school bus, though, so I was gonna try just have Ms. Frizzle. If I went that way. I was gonna just draft the magic school bus, see if I could.
Josh
You would have gotten away with. See, I didn't let me gone inside.
Andy
And then my. My second favorite children's book. I just got to give her a shout out.
Josh
Okay.
Andy
Incredible. Accidentally brilliant Amelia Bedelia.
Mike
Oh, we know Amelia Bedelia.
Andy
We know she's gonna make some mistakes, but turn out all right.
Josh
Okay, that was not bad. That was a pretty good draft. I'm gonna crush you guys.
Andy
What did we learn today? I learned that Papa Josh is the best liar. He's so good at lying, his friends won't let him play lying.
Josh
He's doing so much right now. He hates you so much right now. He hates people the best.
Mike
I learned that you guys have a very Eurocentric thought process when it comes to dragons.
Andy
Right?
Josh
And I learned that my Schwarzenegger impression is just as good as it always was. Goodbye, everybody. We'll do this again sometime.
Mike
Goodbye.
Andy
Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com.
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This episode, true to the Spitballers' signature blend of PG-friendly absurdity and quick wit, revolves around the hosts exploring far-fetched “Would You Rather” scenarios, untangling the subtle (and not so subtle) differences between similar words, and ultimately drafting a team of children’s book characters for a hilarious “battle royale.” The result is a rollicking hour of playful debate, family-safe banter, and memorable one-liners, with recurring allusions to dragons, poop jokes, and the limits of sarcasm.
[02:48 – 09:54]
Prompt: “Would you rather have the speed of a cheetah, but only when barefoot, or the strength of a gorilla, but only when holding a balloon (inflated)?”
Debate Over Cheetah Speed
Gorilla Strength & Balloon Logistics
Hosts’ Picks:
[09:54 – 12:18]
“Would you rather be able to write flawlessly in any font, or speak in any accent (but not language)?”
Demo time: Josh attempts Scottish & Schwarzenegger accents to the delight of the group. [12:13–12:36]
[12:37 – 16:43]
[16:49 – 24:30]
[27:09 – 40:55]
Short, punchy segments with rapid-fire (and silly) distinctions between:
[42:09 – 1:01:36]
Setup: Each host drafts a team composed of famous children’s book characters to “battle” each other.
- Hilarious arguments about the usefulness or effectiveness of:
The episode is exuberant, fast-paced, self-aware, and packed with the trio’s signature tone: friendly, mischievous, dad-humor-infused but intelligent. They delight in overanalyzing silly hypotheticals, wordplay, and invoking vivid, ridiculous mental images (dragon poop, battle-royale children’s heroes). Occasional self-roasting and running gags (Mike’s questions, Andy’s font snobbery, Josh’s “lying” skills) keep the energy high.
If you love clean, quick-witted banter where zero topic is too silly for deep analysis, Spitballers never disappoints.
This episode offers a perfect blend of playful argument, random life “advice,” and just enough surreal imagery (dragons, balloons, and battling book characters) to leave you grinning all week.
| Segment | Time | |-----------------------------------------------|----------| | Would You Rather: Cheetah vs. Gorilla | 02:48 | | Would You Rather: Fonts vs. Accents | 09:54 | | Lying vs. Sarcasm | 12:37 | | Dragon vs. Summon Dragons | 16:49 | | What’s the Difference? Words | 27:09 | | Children’s Book Character Battle Royale Draft | 42:09 |
Hosts’ Final Reflections: