Ducks and Dumps & Things That Are Yellow - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Ducks and Dumps & Things That Are Yellow - Spit Hits!
Date: April 17, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this hilariously candid episode, the Spitballers Podcast trio—Andy, Mike, and Jason—return with a fresh batch of absurd "Would You Rather" questions, a riotous debate on the rules and loopholes of theft and murder hypotheticals, an unexpectedly confessional moment in the men’s room, a spirited round of "Man of the People," and an over-the-top draft of "Things That Are Yellow." Fans of clean, relatable dad-humor will find both laughter and a little childhood nostalgia in this episode.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Would You Rather: Torture by Sleep or Wasted Days?

[03:13 - 08:09]

• The Dilemma:

  • Be startled awake every 30 minutes for the rest of your life, or
  • Only be able to wake up after 12 hours every time you sleep.

• Immediate Reactions:

  • Mike: Analogizes the 30-minute option to having a newborn—"Would you rather have a newborn baby for the rest of your life?"
    • “Your nights feel like, I don’t know, a week long…” (Jason, 04:13)
  • Jason: Considers the unworkability of a forced 12-hour sleep ("You would have to not sleep to make certain appointments," 04:49).
  • Andy: Jokes that he’s tired every single day anyway:

    “I'm tired every single day of my life right now.” (Andy, 05:18)

  • The group muses about all-nighters, physically adjusting to strange sleep patterns, and if it’s really worth being so well-rested for only half your life.

• Consensus:

  • Reluctantly, Jason & Mike lean toward the 12-hour sleep, citing that constant sleep interruption is literal torture. Andy stands alone ("I'm going every 30 minutes. Absolutely. My body will adjust," 08:03).

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2. Would You Rather: Super Powers—Through, See, or Hear Through Walls?

[08:18 - 12:39]

• Which is more practical: Walking through walls, seeing through walls, or hearing through walls?
  • The group quickly eliminates hearing through walls—"I don't want to hear people talking crap about me," (Jason, 10:43).
  • Extensive tangents about logistics: Can you bring objects with you through walls? ("My wallet's not ending up on the other side of the wall," Jason, 09:21).
  • Walking through walls wins for sheer convenience—no more doors, lines, or fire hazards:

    “Never waiting in line for one of those sporting events… you’re just walking in through the side of the building.” (Jason, 12:07)

  • Bonus: “Fire hazard? Never. I walk right out.” (Andy, 12:26)
  • The crew make Terminator and bank robbery jokes, riffing about the endless non-criminal uses (“You can park wherever you want at the mall,” Andy, 11:57).

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3. Would You Rather: Daily Crime or Daily Death?

[12:53 - 19:26]

• The Scenario: Must either steal something or kill something (anything) once per day, or die.

• Their Take:

  • Murdering bugs as the practical workaround—“You can get your crickets or beetles… just buy a lifetime supply so you can live.” (Andy, 13:28)

  • Extended, hilarious debate about what constitutes theft:

    “If you take someone’s clothing and throw it out the bars… Is that stealing?” (Jason, 14:29)

  • Mike and Andy spiral into legal semantics (15:07–17:02), concluding most “throwing” is criminal mischief, not theft.

    “Your Honor, he is charged with first degree throwing of the necklace.” (Andy, 16:05)

  • Older and softer on bugs, they recount youthful bug murders vs. recent rescues:

    "When I was a young man… bugs stood no chance." (Mike, 17:39)
    “I think it has to do with… as a kid, I was much more afraid of bugs.” (Jason, 18:44)

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4. Would You Rather: Summon Toiletries or Bedding Essentials?

[19:41 - 26:27]

• Would you rather be able to instantly summon your comforter and pillow, or toilet paper?
  • Andy’s major dilemma: “I have outgrown really nice toilet paper… that used to be the problem with pooping in public.” (20:13)
  • Group rants about the state of public restrooms:

    “Is there a directive from the top, like, to all Circle K managers, DO NOT clean that?” (Jason, 20:52) “Once something’s gone awry in the bathroom…the next man has to accommodate the first man's mess.” (Jason, 21:56)

  • Mike reflects: “It’s a domino effect…eventually, you’re not peeing in the urinal at all, your back is against the wall…” (22:23)
  • Personal confession: Andy admits to once being “the source” of the urinal floor mess due to cell phone distraction, accidentally peeing on top of a low urinal. (“I peed on the top of the toilet. On the top of the urinal. But I didn’t know." Andy, 24:53)
  • Sheer mortification and laughter:

    “So you’ve gone from ‘never’ to being the worst offender ever!” (Brooks, 25:42)

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5. Man of the People (Game Show Segment)

[29:21 - 39:07]

• Fast-paced “Family Feud”-style quiz, loaded with tangents and banter about the logic of audience survey results.
  • Example: “The number one answer was JAIL. Number two was COURT. TV, billboard, and hospital.” (Game Host, 30:27)
    • “If you are in court, my friend, it is too late.” (Mike, 30:36)
  • Questions range from “Name an article of clothing kids always lose” (Jason wins with 'socks', 33:33) to “What would be hard for aliens to explain about Christmas?” (Andy gets 'Santa entering homes', 34:22).
  • Fun exchanges about chores, lemonade stands, and feeling fruit at the grocery store:
    • “Fruit and vegetables was the number one answer. Of course.” (Game Host, 37:25)
    • “Do you ever stop at a lemonade stand that wasn’t your own kids?” (Mike, 35:53)
    • “Honestly, usually their lemonade sucks. They don't know how to make it.” (Andy, 36:14)
  • Ending in a rare tie, resolved by a tiebreaker (“Name an occupation that might get tired of wearing the same thing every day?” Doctor/police officer win).

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6. Spitballers Draft: Things That Are Yellow

[40:50 - 54:55]

• Each hosts drafts four “yellow” things, with rationale and plenty of trash talk.

• Picks include:

  • Mike: Lemons, caution tape, duckling, emojis
    • “I’m going to go with a duckling…” (Mike, 47:39)
    • “…the yellow face. Yeah, they're all yellow, which I imagine that's… Did that start because of… the happy face?” (Mike, 54:18)
  • Andy: Urine, sun, mustard, school bus
    • “I’m taking P. Wait, that’s the 101?” (Andy, 41:54)
    • “I know it’s white, technically, but everybody knows the sun is yellow.” (Andy, 43:46)
    • “Do you guys like mustard?” (Andy, 49:50)
  • Jason: Banana, cheese, Pikachu, Yellow Brick Road
    • “Banana was the easy 101 for Jason… and you don’t even have it because you have pee.” (Jason, 42:27)
    • “I’m going with Pikachu. Pikachu’s the third pick.” (Jason, 51:16)
    • “I’m taking the brick road... as in the Yellow Brick Road.” (Jason, 51:55)

• Hilarious runner-ups discussed:

  • Big Bird, Minions, post-it notes, pineapple, Homer Simpson, submarine, corn on the cob, banana runs, egg yolk.

• Quotes:

  “I was just kidding about gold. If you want gold, Jay, it’s there for you.” (Andy, 52:14) “I think that'll be a popular pick among the mustardians.” (Jason, 49:44) “I may or may not have seen a YouTube video of somebody just throwing a bike lock on the front two doors of a place because they can't do anything about it. See, now that's criminal mischief.” (Jason, 47:16)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Sleep dilemma:

  “I've had a newborn baby. This is exactly what it's like… The 12 hours makes perfect sense if you can plan properly.” (Jason, 04:13)

• Public restrooms riff:

  “It’s a domino effect…eventually, you're not peeing in the urinal at all, your back is against the wall, you're peeing on the ground, and you're playing a new game.” (Andy, 22:23)

• Personal confession:

  “I go to the stall… I'm on my phone… I peed on the top of the toilet. On the top of the urinal. But I didn't know…” (Andy, 24:53)

• Yellow draft confession:

  “I'm taking P. Wait, that's the 101? …It is for me, Mike. It is for me.” (Andy, 41:54)

• Pikachu pick:

  “I'm going with Pikachu. Pikachu's the third pick. That's the one I thought you were going to sneak out.” (Jason, 51:16)

• Man of the People rules lawyer:

  “Your Honor, he is charged with first degree throwing of the necklace.” (Andy, 16:05)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:13 – Would You Rather: 12-Hour Sleep / 30-Min Wake Ups
• 08:18 – Would You Rather: Wall Powers
• 12:53 – Would You Rather: Steal or Kill Bugs
• 19:41 – Would You Rather: Summon Pillow/Toilet Paper / Public Restroom Tangents
• 24:43 – Andy’s Urinal Confession
• 29:21 – Man of the People Quiz Game
• 40:50 – Draft: Things That Are Yellow

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Tone & Vibe

The episode is uproariously casual, honest, and sometimes surprisingly confessional. There’s an abundance of “dad logic,” wordplay, and self-deprecation—all characteristic of the Spitballers’ clean, family-friendly yet irreverent humor. The tone is playful, often veering into tangents but always snapping back with hilarious self-awareness ("I'm sorry we make this show," Andy, 43:37).

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For the New Listener

This episode delivers quintessential Spitballers: relatable dad complaints, comedy over awkward everyday moments (especially in public bathrooms), riotous debates over the minutiae of hypothetical situations, and an epic draft about yellow things. It’s a perfect snapshot of the show’s unique ability to mix nonsense, genuine friendship, and spontaneous laughs that resonate well beyond the episode.

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Listen if you love:

• Nonsensical “would you rather” debates
• Clean but somewhat edgy “dad” humor
• Hilarious anecdotes about real life fails
• Playful competitive energy and drafts
• The comedic chemistry of longtime friends

Transcript

[Andy]

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[Podcast Narrator]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Game Host]

I think I'm gonna have to boost that audio, but I loved that.

[Mike]

Hey.

[Jason]

Oh, that was.

[Brooks]

The end of.

[Jason]

It was so. I can't even do it.

[Mike]

I don't know what.

[Jason]

You kept the speed up. It was great. It was an all timer.

[Mike]

Just a bunch, bunch of click sounds apparently.

[Jason]

I loved it. Welcome into The Spitballers, episode 251. Andy, Mike and Jason, back with you, Al Borland in the building, Judge Giamatti on the pulleys and levers. And we're happy to have you with us. Thank you for tuning in, for supporting this ridiculous adventure that is the Spitballers podcast. We're here again. They keep letting us do this show.

[Mike]

Oh, they can't stop us no matter who they are.

[Jason]

No, no. If they are us, they have tried and we are drafting things that are yellow on today's show. Not one of my favorite colors.

[Mike]

Really? Oh, you know, I like yellow. It's fun, it's bright, it's happy.

[Jason]

Cowardice.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'm going to draft urine owl, you coward.

[Mike]

I mean, yeah, look, there's yellow.

[Jason]

You did say yellow. You give it the old fashioned. It's not yellow. I don't like yellow. I don't mind yellow.

[Mike]

Oh, okay.

[Jason]

They're a little bit different.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Different hue. Gotcha. Man of the people on the show today on Would you rather as well? You can follow us on Instagram. Instagram.com spitballers pod we're on YouTube and we're going to get it going.

[Podcast Narrator]

Would you rather.

[Jason]

RG from Patreon writes in and says, would you rather for the rest of your life be startled awake every 30 minutes of sleep or wake up 12 hours later every time you go to sleep?

[Mike]

So would you rather have a newborn baby the rest of your life or get 12 luxurious hours of sleep every night? But granted, you have to commit to a full 12 hours. That's a lot of time.

[Jason]

I my. You reacted the exact same way I did initially, but I am seeing some problems with the 12 hour one. First, I reacted immediately, the same as you. I was like, I've had a newborn baby. This is exactly what it's like. Your nights feel like, I don't know, a week long because you, every time you go to sleep, you're up. Then you're asleep, you're up. The 12 hours makes perfect sense if you can plan properly. However, I started thinking about what if something took you later into the night than you wanted it to and then you did have an obligation the next morning. You would then be in the position where those nights you have to not sleep at all. Because let's say, you know what, 10 o', clock, that would be 10 o' clock the next day. Right. So then let's say, oh, I'm going to go go to bed at 8 to get up at 8. But then something, something happens. You run into traffic on the way back from something that's a lot of traffic. And, and it pushes you to 10. But you got to be somewhere at 8, 8 o'. Clock.

[Judge Giamatti]

Yeah.

[Andy]

So you'd have to stay up all.

[Jason]

Night, you would have to not sleep to make certain appointments and.

[Andy]

But the alternative might be even worse than staying up, which is like, I've got to wake my kids up at 6am every day like that for school. It's school season. They've got to get up at 6. If they don't get up at 6, we ain't making it to school on time. That means I got to go to bed at 6.

[Jason]

6Pm yeah, 6pm or, or yeah, that's a huge problem.

[Mike]

You can just be tired every single day for the rest of your life.

[Andy]

I'm tired every single day of my life right now.

[Mike]

You are not. Wake up every 30 minutes.

[Jason]

Time.

[Andy]

Mike, how many notations do you have in our ongoing journal of notating when I am tired?

[Mike]

You do frequently ask whenever we sit down for a podcast and you say, I'm tired. I go, oh, I'll make a note. Now I do make the notes on these little boogie boards. So I delete it every time. But your point still stands. It's in the thousands that I've marked this many times.

[Andy]

I can't believe that that thing still works.

[Jason]

Have you tried the 12 hour plan for your.

[Andy]

No, because I'd have to go to bed at six.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean it literally is half the day. It's half the day.

[Andy]

Yeah. I don't think you can do that. I don't think you could do the 12 hour one. I mean, it sounds, it sounds great.

[Mike]

You are not remembering how tired you were.

[Jason]

It is a weird thing to be like, okay, I got 12 hours of sleep now I can stay up late. No, you can't because you have to go.

[Judge Giamatti]

Right.

[Jason]

Could you Skip like on 12 hours? Could you skip every once in a while?

[Andy]

I don't think you're going to want to do that every fourth night.

[Jason]

Do you just plow all the way through and then make up for with the next four hours of.

[Mike]

When's the last time you pulled an all nighter?

[Jason]

It's 16 years old, probably.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's a good question. Like not like up super late. No, you did.

[Mike]

I did not go to sleep.

[Andy]

I don't. I mean it's got to be 15 years.

[Jason]

I think it was like a video game, one of my teenage years or something. I played it all night long.

[Andy]

I think I did it probably right before I had children. And now since I've had children, I can't.

[Jason]

But you're doing all nighter. That's on like a 6, 7, 8 hour sleep schedule. If you pile up the 12 hour nights, couldn't you make it through?

[Andy]

I think your body might have the opposite reaction. It's so used to sleep that it won't be able. It's the people that, like, I get three hours a night that are. They're like, I can stay up all night.

[Jason]

You might live longer, but you're not awake as much of that life.

[Andy]

Right. That's a new question. Would you rather.

[Jason]

How many hours awake do you want to be?

[Andy]

Would you rather have 10 extra years of your life but you had to lose 10 waking years of.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, this is one of the hardest questions I've ever seen because I really don't want either one. But I'm going to take the 12 hours.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Because I think I'll be pretty pleasant for 12 hours.

[Mike]

It will Take a lot of planning. But waking up every 30 minutes, getting.

[Jason]

Woken up, it's torture. It stays like actual torture.

[Mike]

Imagine. Imagine that where you had to wake up two times in the entire. Whatever, eight hours that you slept. It's awful. The next day, you are. You're a zombie that you have giant, really dark bags under your eyes. It's impossible. You can't survive like that.

[Jason]

Are you going for it?

[Andy]

I'm going, man. I'm going every 30 minutes. Absolutely. My body will adjust.

[Jason]

He trusts.

[Mike]

No, it will not, because the human body can adjust to this.

[Jason]

He'll just ride it as long as his until it breaks down.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

Lily from the website Ill. Would you rather be able to walk through walls, see through walls, or hear through walls? It's a wall question.

[Andy]

It's all about the walls.

[Jason]

You know, you would still get caught trying to rob a bank by walking through walls.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Judge Giamatti]

Maybe.

[Jason]

I mean, you'd be able to escape a little bit easier.

[Mike]

Well, yeah. Okay, then can you bring.

[Game Host]

She specified in this question that to take it out of the equation because you will get caught if you try to rob a bank.

[Jason]

Oh, okay. All right. Mike doesn't like that stipulation.

[Mike]

No, no, no, That's.

[Judge Giamatti]

That's fine.

[Mike]

I just. It got me running down the path of. What are the rules about walking through walls? Is it stuff that's, like, just your physical body? Well, then. But your clothes can go through. Well, then that would say, well, if stuff's in my pockets. Is that good enough?

[Jason]

You went down the rabbit hole, which.

[Mike]

Apparently I'm not allowed to do right now.

[Andy]

I think you can go with whatever normal stuff you have. Your normal.

[Jason]

I think stuff in your pockets goes with you.

[Andy]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Jason]

Yeah. I'm not. My wallet's not ending up on the other side of the wall.

[Judge Giamatti]

Right.

[Mike]

So for the bank, I could go in and just get, like, a stack of hundos.

[Jason]

I knew where you were gonna go. I knew where you're gonna go.

[Andy]

The bank is off limits if you go into the bank. If you walk through a bank wall, you're naked. On the other side, everything. The bank has special superpowers where, okay.

[Jason]

They make you naked.

[Andy]

Well, it's just nothing could travel with you.

[Jason]

Okay, this is just so Mike can't steal money.

[Andy]

That's exactly. This is just.

[Mike]

It's Terminator rules.

[Jason]

This is just for Mike not to be able to take things. Look, what's the most beneficial walking through walls? I mean, your house. You get to.

[Mike]

Oh, that'd be great.

[Jason]

I mean, point A to point B, very quickly. Seeing through walls.

[Andy]

I think seeing through walls is more.

[Jason]

Valuable, but I'm trying to think of, like, when I would use it other than just, like, I don't want to be some creep.

[Andy]

Right? No, no. But I mean, I would know where everyone is in my house at all times. You know what I mean?

[Jason]

Is that, like, one of your bigger challenges?

[Andy]

I mean, it's a common thing, like, oh, where's Tiff? Where's Jason? Where's. You know, it's like hearing through walls.

[Jason]

Feels like it would be distracting.

[Andy]

Oh, that's a nightmare.

[Jason]

Unless you could, like, target it when you wanted it and then turn it off.

[Andy]

Yeah. If you can just hear through, all walls serve a valuable purpose in.

[Mike]

We did great work at will.

[Game Host]

So this is you. You can use it whenever you want. You can turn it off whenever you want.

[Mike]

Oh, we should read the questions.

[Jason]

I don't want to hear through walls because I don't want to hear people talking crap about me.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Because I can't go to them and be like, I heard that. And then they're like, how? And I'm like, yeah, you. I answered this question on Spitballers, and.

[Mike]

I got a power say I can hear through waltz, but only through walls.

[Brooks]

I like that.

[Mike]

Andy. Andy's concern is he confronts someone who's talking crap, and they go, well, how did you hear that?

[Jason]

That's how everyone acts when you call them out on something.

[Mike]

Where did you hear this?

[Jason]

I just think that the most I would get out of the hearing one is negative to my life.

[Game Host]

Right.

[Jason]

That's my point. It's not that you're not getting trade secrets from. Not most of the time. Most of the time, it's just gonna be somebody saying, like, you know, I'll be at the bank. And the guy walks in the other.

[Mike]

Room, he's like, see how ugly that guy is?

[Jason]

I gotta help that ugly guy.

[Mike]

Naked guy just walked out. He was trying to rob the bank.

[Jason]

Yeah. So the walking through wall seems like it's great. Now outside of the bank, am I walking, like, straight out of a target? Side of the target.

[Mike]

Yeah. I'm not even talking about theft. I'm just talking about the ease of. I don't have to worry about going through doors anymore.

[Jason]

Honestly. You could park in different places at, like, the mall that's more convenient to you.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

That's actually really valuable.

[Jason]

You don't need to be near entrances.

[Andy]

The parking situation is great. You just park wherever far away. But on the side of the building where Nobody parks. But it's like, that's not the side of the building that's now the entrance.

[Jason]

You're never waiting in line for one of those sporting events, you know, to go through the checkers. You're just walking it through the side of the building.

[Andy]

You want to go to the movies if there's any seats available. Just, you know, you just go right into any event you want to get into the super bowl, no problem.

[Mike]

Fire hazard. Never.

[Andy]

Never. I walk right out.

[Judge Giamatti]

No, I don't.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. You can't be trapped in a fire.

[Mike]

Yeah, and you'll let people know as they're screaming they're running out the fire hazard. Quick, this way. Nah, man, don't need it.

[Andy]

Yeah, you're going out the other way. See, I would do the opposite. I would say, quick, this way, and I'd run out the wall.

[Brooks]

Gotcha.

[Mike]

Come with me if you want to live.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. I'm taking the walking through walls.

[Jason]

Yeah, I like that one. Lucas from Patreon. Would you rather have to steal something once per day or you die?

[Andy]

Ooh.

[Jason]

Or kill something once per day or you die. What something is this, like a bug? I mean, I'll squash a whole bunch of cockroaches.

[Game Host]

It could be an ant, a cockroach, a spider.

[Jason]

You just gotta go find it.

[Game Host]

Yep.

[Jason]

Boy, that'll be a pathetic moment at the end of my day. Like, oh, gosh, I have a kid. Like, sometimes you accidentally run into a bug that you could kill to have to go out and actively pursue.

[Andy]

I don't know. I think pet stores have us covered here. You know, it's like, I'll go buy, you know, a hundred worms for my bearded dragon.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

And so, you know, you can get your crickets or beetles. They got beetles there. Just go buy a, you know, a literal lifetime supply of bugs so that you can live.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, that would be really easy, stealing something once per day and get away with it or what? I guess it doesn't matter.

[Game Host]

It's up to you.

[Jason]

You just have to do it.

[Game Host]

How good of a theft are you?

[Jason]

How good of a theft am I? Yeah, yeah, good one.

[Andy]

Well, that actually brings up a real problem, though, because let's say you're not a good theft, right? Let's say you're a bad theft and you get caught and you go where all thefts go to jail. Now, you can't steal anything.

[Mike]

You could steal something from your cellmate.

[Jason]

Yeah, you can.

[Andy]

Oh, you better. He better have some special.

[Jason]

Just steal the bed. Steal his Clothes?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Brooks]

Steal his clothes. You got no other choice.

[Mike]

It doesn't say you have to hold on him. You could want him to throw him out the bars.

[Brooks]

Is that stealing? Yeah, I don't think that's stealing.

[Jason]

It's stealing if you can throw it out the bars.

[Andy]

Wait, wait. Okay, okay, hold on.

[Jason]

If he can't get it back, you've stolen it.

[Andy]

If you're telling me free clothes. We're in a cell. Okay, okay. And I take clothes and I throw them out the bar. Yeah, that. That other person's gonna say you theft.

[Brooks]

No, they're not gonna say that.

[Mike]

No. They'll probably call you a swear word. But like, I guess it depends on how long you have them in your possession.

[Andy]

I would think that's stealing.

[Mike]

Okay. How long do you have to. If I take something. Yeah, because I would say if you're in a store and you take something, the moment you leave, you have now stolen that option.

[Jason]

Regardless of whether you throw it out the window of the car five minutes later.

[Mike]

Well, let's say I'm at a. I'm in a store. Yeah. But I don't even.

[Jason]

Thefting.

[Mike]

I'm doing my big thefting.

[Andy]

Yeah, Right.

[Mike]

I grab a necklace and I throw it out.

[Andy]

But you're inside.

[Judge Giamatti]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And someone else picks it up.

[Andy]

You didn't steal that.

[Mike]

What did I just do?

[Jason]

And you don't know the person that.

[Mike]

You threw it to. Right? I'm not.

[Judge Giamatti]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I don't even care who to.

[Jason]

You're just into mischief.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

You're not a theft.

[Mike]

Did I steal? What did I do?

[Andy]

That's my point. When you're in that.

[Mike]

Did that person steal?

[Andy]

Oh, that person totally stole.

[Jason]

But they didn't. No, that person found something.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

They didn't steal. Nobody stole.

[Andy]

Nobody stole. But someone was stolen.

[Mike]

Something was stolen. And they're like shoplifters Will be prosecuted. Didn't shoplift. I merely took your item and threw it out the door.

[Brooks]

That's gotta be something.

[Andy]

No, it's not stealing, it's throwing.

[Mike]

Yeah, it seems like it has to be something. But what is it?

[Andy]

Your Honor, he is charged with first degree throwing of the necklace.

[Jason]

That's mischief.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Game Host]

I don't know what is illegal.

[Mike]

Is mischief illegal?

[Andy]

Yeah, I'm on. It is.

[Jason]

I'm sure. What is the something of the peace? Disturber of the peace.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. Maybe disturbing.

[Jason]

Are you disturbing some peace?

[Andy]

Well, I don't know how to spell mischief. Autocorrected me with. Did you mean. And it's not the word mischief.

[Jason]

Did you mean muskrat. That's interesting.

[Brooks]

Was this the one about the. I don't want to spell history.

[Mike]

How do you suppose M, I, S.

[Jason]

C, H. Is it cheap, EIF or I, E, F?

[Game Host]

I, E, F. Yeah.

[Andy]

I, E, F. Okay.

[Jason]

Yeah, that'll do it.

[Andy]

Criminal mischief.

[Mike]

Yeah, there's criminal mischief.

[Andy]

Criminal mischief. Mischief. It's property crime on the books in every state. Okay.

[Mike]

All right. So that's what it was.

[Andy]

Usually causing damage.

[Mike]

We think that's what it's going to be.

[Andy]

Yeah, I think you're going to be a criminal mischief now.

[Jason]

I mean, what's a sentence for mischief? That's got to be nothing. That's white collar.

[Mike]

That feels like the judge just wags his finger at you.

[Jason]

I think the. I think what Jason said that the workaround with the Beatles from a pet store. If there wasn't that, would you still go that direction? Like just go out and go for a walk and try to find something.

[Mike]

To squish it seems like it would be.

[Jason]

But.

[Mike]

Interesting in my old age. Like more merciful. Yeah. Like when I was a young man.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Bugs stood no chance. If there was a bug, I will go out of my way to make sure that I smash this insect.

[Jason]

Yeah. A lot of ants.

[Mike]

And now, like the other day we. There was. And it depends on the bug, because we were. I was in the office and I found this big, green leafy bug. And I had never seen this type of a bug before. And I was like, oh, hello, Mr. Leafy Bug. And I pick him up, I take him outside. Yeah. And I was like, you don't belong here.

[Jason]

There'll be a bug out there.

[Mike]

And then I got back in, and then there was one of those tiny little. Little black or brown beetles, and I squished him good. And it was like.

[Jason]

And you did it right after.

[Mike]

Yeah, because it was like, it's just this common beetle that, you know. Cause, like, in Arizona, it wasn't pretty enough for you. In Arizona, we have a bunch of these beetles going around.

[Jason]

Oh, so it's the frequency you see them.

[Mike]

Yeah. But there was the green leafy bug.

[Jason]

And I felt less common.

[Mike]

I felt like I couldn't smash it.

[Jason]

I think that because I've become more merciful with bugs later on as well. I think it has to do with. As a kid, I was much more afraid of bugs as an adult.

[Mike]

You weren't a bug collector?

[Jason]

No. I guess some kids are like that. But no, I was more like, it could hurt me. So I'll squish you. Even though they couldn't hurt you, they were just bugs. But now I feel like you're just self defense. I just feel like I used to be, like, afraid of grasshoppers.

[Judge Giamatti]

Right.

[Jason]

But now I don't even care. My kids are all afraid of them, and I'm just like, whatever, it's a grasshopper.

[Andy]

They're terrifying, but they.

[Mike]

Yeah, because they fly in all weird directions.

[Jason]

They don't like them.

[Andy]

Well, just whatever. They don't control themselves and know where they're going. They're just grass launchers.

[Jason]

Yeah. So anyways, I think we're done with that one.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to steal stuff. I don't want to be a theft Jeb from Twitter. Would you rather be able to summon your own comforter and pillow ill.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Or be able to summon your own toilet paper at will? Ooh, that means that. Would you become a public pooper, Jason?

[Andy]

It would be far more interesting to poop in public with a nice.

[Mike]

I'll look into it.

[Andy]

I'll look into it. The problem is I have outgrown really nice toilet paper. That used to be the problem with pooping in public was like, that toilet paper is not nice for my bum. I like nice toilet.

[Mike]

That was the only problem.

[Andy]

Well, I mean, that was like. The biggest problem is I wanted a nice toilet paper. Yeah.

[Mike]

But now it wasn't the nastiness. It's not the germs and the nasty public restroom. It was the toilet paper.

[Andy]

It just depends on the bathroom. I mean, obviously, if I'm at some Circle K bathroom, it's not just a toilet paper problem. But, you know, if I'm at a restaurant and they've got a, you know, a bathroom where you can go to the bathroom, then, yeah, I think the toilet paper is a big problem.

[Jason]

Now, look, we clearly have precedent that, like, gas stations, quick trip can clean their bathrooms. It is possible to have clean restrooms.

[Andy]

It is possible.

[Jason]

So is there a directive from the top is like, to all Circle K managers, do not clean that. Like, why. Why are they so gross? They could just have somebody clean the bathroom.

[Mike]

They could. I imagine there's just.

[Jason]

Is that on purpose?

[Mike]

There's no repercussion if you don't. They're like, hey, get to it if you have a chance.

[Jason]

Oh, that. No one's ever cleaned a bathroom with that.

[Mike]

Exactly. That's why they're so dirty.

[Jason]

My wife asked me that. If she tells me before we have a party, she goes, she's gonna say two things. Get the bathroom, if you've got a chance, it ain't gonna get clean or go clean the bathroom. There is a big difference.

[Andy]

You need a directive.

[Jason]

I need a directive.

[Mike]

Also, the fact that, I mean, humans, and I will say specifically men, are disgusting. And I don't understand. There's this small section of the population that they're like. When they go to the bathroom, they just, like. There's no rules anymore. There's like, wee.

[Jason]

I will say this. I think it's a domino effect. The first man who misses.

[Mike]

I'm not sure that they're missing, though.

[Jason]

Well, listen, what I'm saying is, is once something's gone awry in the bathroom, okay. The next man has to accommodate the first man's mess.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Therefore, his chance of making a mess is higher. He makes another mess.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You've got. All of a sudden, you are on a tightrope walk, slipping out of the bathroom. Out of the bathroom.

[Andy]

It's just a distance problem. What you're saying is if there's a little puddle on the ground.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You gotta take a step back.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

And then the next person has to take two steps back. And eventually you're not peeing in the urinal at all. Your back is against the wall, you're peeing on the ground, and you're playing a new game.

[Brooks]

It's a new game.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's true. There's a famous. I mean, we can go back in time, but our old company, we knew that somebody. And this was. This is a tech company. This ain't just Circle K. No. This is a nice building. This is a nice facilities. There's lots of, you know, very upstanding companies. But there was a person from some company somewhere that everybody knew who that person was. I mean, they didn't know.

[Andy]

Nobody knew who it was of them.

[Jason]

They knew of them because you'd go and you'd know whether they'd been in there or not.

[Andy]

It was unbelievable.

[Jason]

And, you know, when they took an off day on vacation day, you'd go.

[Andy]

Into that bathroom every single day. Every single day, this nice, pristine bathroom. You'd walk in there and you'd be like, they missed. I got in before him today because the floor is. Okay.

[Jason]

Yeah. I don't.

[Andy]

Or you come in and you'd go.

[Jason]

I mean, let's be. Let's have a conversation here.

[Mike]

Hold on.

[Jason]

Turn off the microphones. Have you ever gone on the floor.

[Mike]

Just straight on the floor? Like. No.

[Andy]

Even just a little bit, like, on purpose?

[Jason]

Like. No. Either way.

[Andy]

Well, I Mean, I've accidentally.

[Jason]

You've had some accident, right?

[Andy]

I mean. But no, of course I've never just peed on the floor.

[Mike]

No, there is.

[Jason]

It seems like there's some amount, some percentage men out there that are into that.

[Mike]

That's what I said. They feel like there's no rules and they just do whatever.

[Jason]

These are the same people littering.

[Andy]

Could it just be a cell phone problem?

[Brooks]

What do you mean?

[Andy]

Could it just be they're on their phone and they have no idea where they're going.

[Jason]

They just get in the general vicinity of the bathroom and let it go.

[Andy]

They let it out and they just play on their phone and they think they're doing okay.

[Mike]

If this person is wearing any types of shorts.

[Andy]

Hold on, I gotta confess something.

[Mike]

Oh, no.

[Jason]

What? You've done that?

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

Did you just remember something?

[Andy]

Yeah. There was one time you were on a phone. It was within the last month.

[Brooks]

Is it here?

[Andy]

No. No, it wasn't here.

[Jason]

It wasn't here?

[Andy]

No, it wasn't here. I don't even. I don't even remember where it was. It was obviously somebody else remembers. I'm not often there.

[Brooks]

What happened?

[Andy]

So I start, I go to the stall I surveyed. Wait, is this stall or is it a urinal? A urinal. And I'm on my phone and I'm looking at it.

[Brooks]

I didn't realize how low this urinal was. It was so low. I was on top of it. You were a waterfall onto the ground. You peed onto the. I peed on the top of the toilet. On the top of the urinal. But I didn't know. And then all of a sudden, I.

[Andy]

Don'T know, five seconds, and I was.

[Brooks]

Like, oh, my goodness.

[Mike]

Did you visually see it or did you. Were you wearing shorts?

[Andy]

And so all of a sudden, I visually saw it.

[Mike]

Your ankles are getting missed.

[Andy]

No, no, I didn't. Somehow it was a perfect. Like, I didn't feel it. I was not made. I was not alerted to it. I just went to check in. I went to check in and went.

[Brooks]

Oh, my gosh, I'm peeing on the toilet Switch from I've never done that to being the worst offender ever so quickly.

[Andy]

Well, and then here's the problem I have. I can't do anything once it's done. I don't have cleaning supplies. I'm not gonna go.

[Jason]

You get out of there.

[Brooks]

Yes. That's what you do.

[Judge Giamatti]

Get out.

[Andy]

You.

[Brooks]

Because you dip and run. If you stay there, someone else might know you did that.

[Andy]

Could you imagine? Let's just play this out, okay? I walk into a bathroom and I see a guy with a bunch of.

[Brooks]

Toilet paper cleaning the top of this toilet.

[Mike]

I'd be like, you didn't pee on.

[Andy]

The top of that, did you? I mean, I don't want to. I don't want to be caught.

[Jason]

I get out of there. I would get out.

[Andy]

That's happened.

[Jason]

That's incredible. Now here's the thing.

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Jason]

If you never checked in, could you. Is it possible you could have finished and left?

[Andy]

I think so. I think. I think I would have had no idea. I mean, of course that's what I. Oh, man. Plus nothing.

[Jason]

Man, that was unbelievable. All right, we are moving on.

[Podcast Narrator]

Man of the people.

[Mike]

Today's show is brought to you by.

[Judge Giamatti]

Our friends at Rocket Money. You might think you have a solid handle on your budget. Maybe your spreadsheet says you should have an extra thousand dollars left over each month, but your bank account isn't reflecting that something is off. Well, Rocket Money helps you track every dollar, uncover hidden spending, and take control of your finances. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Get alerts if your bills increase in price, if there's any unusual activity in your accounts, if you're close to going over budget, and even when you're doing a good job, Rocket Money's going to let you know. Rocket Money has saved users over $2.5 billion, including over $880 million in canceled subscriptions alone. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.comballers today. That's RocketMoney.comballers RocketMoney.comballers Today's show is brought to you by our friends at Pakka. Question what's softer than cashmere and warmer than wool? It's not a riddle. It's an alpaca hoodie from Pakka. Pakka makes performance apparel from Alpaca Fiber, one of the world's most sustainable natural fibers. Their best selling hoodie is softer than cashmere, warmer than wool, and breathable. It's lightweight, but still cozy. Doesn't stretch out, it doesn't pill, which that's fantastic. When you get those little pills all.

[Mike]

Over the hoodie, it's the worst.

[Judge Giamatti]

And look, the packet is going to keep you warm when it's cold and cool when it's hot. If you've been thinking about leveling up your hoodie game, this is your sign to do it now. I am leveling up my hoodies. I love hoodie season. Is the best season of all time if you ask me. I love them and I can't wait for my pack of to show up. Looking at this thing, it's beautiful. It's a good looking hoodie and I could. I cannot wait to have this thing on to be cozy for hoodie season to grab your pack of hoodie and a free pair of alpaca crew socks. Head to go pakaapparel.com spitballers and use our code spitballers. That's go P A K A apparel.com spitballers and enter code spitballers.

[Jason]

All right, what are we doing?

[Mike]

Al?

[Game Host]

We surveyed 100 people and all the answers are on the board. If you get the first answer, it's worth three points. The second answer is worth two points. Any other answer is worth one points. Oh, my God. That literally happened last time we did this. And the final round is worth double points.

[Jason]

All right, let's kick it off. How many rounds are we doing?

[Game Host]

Seven rounds.

[Jason]

Seven rounds of man of the people. I cannot wait to lose. Okay, I'd rather be spelling.

[Game Host]

All right, gentlemen, get ready. Keep your eyes on those buttons. Name a place where it would be smart for a lawyer to advertise.

[Jason]

Freeway.

[Game Host]

Billboard is the number four answer.

[Jason]

Okay, well, that's not a very good answer, is it?

[Game Host]

Keep an eye on those buttons.

[Andy]

I'm gonna go bus.

[Game Host]

That is not on the board.

[Andy]

Bus stop. Bus. Also not on the board. Bus bench.

[Jason]

Mike, it's free.

[Mike]

One, two. Television.

[Game Host]

That is the number three answer.

[Mike]

Okay, how is TV not the number one answer?

[Andy]

Yeah, TV should really be the number one answer.

[Game Host]

The number one answer was jail. The number two answer was court, tv, billboard, and hospital.

[Jason]

I feel like we really did well considering the top two are bogus answers.

[Mike]

If you are in court, my friend, it is too late. Also, where are they going to advertise? And if you're in jail, are there.

[Andy]

A bunch of ads in jail?

[Mike]

That's the next level.

[Andy]

I haven't been in jail, but I didn't think that there was just a bunch of ads.

[Jason]

I'm surprised that those people surveyed are that interesting.

[Mike]

Go to the jail. What's the CPM here for? Advertising in your jail.

[Jason]

So one point.

[Mike]

That's ridiculous.

[Jason]

We did well.

[Mike]

That's the high score.

[Game Host]

All right, going on around. Number two. Name a reason that you would stay inside your house on a Saturday.

[Andy]

I buzzed in first.

[Game Host]

You did.

[Andy]

The reason that I would Stay inside because of bad weather.

[Game Host]

Bad weather. Verbatim is the number one answer.

[Jason]

That's what I was going to go with.

[Mike]

All right, you're sick.

[Jason]

Oh, that's the next only good answer.

[Game Host]

You're sick is the number two answer.

[Mike]

Booyah.

[Game Host]

Andy, you want to try to get one? You have three.

[Mike]

This is when magic happens.

[Andy]

Two. Come on.

[Mike]

One.

[Jason]

Your kids.

[Brooks]

You know your kids.

[Jason]

I got no idea.

[Game Host]

Your kids is not on the board.

[Mike]

What'd you do on Saturday? Oh, I just kind of stayed home, did nothing. Really? Why'd you do that? You know my kids.

[Brooks]

Yeah, that's not bad.

[Jason]

Okay, good answer.

[Game Host]

Good answer. Sleep, nap, tired. Number three answer.

[Jason]

I was gonna say work.

[Game Host]

Housework was the number five answer. And then watching TV was the number four answer.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Game Host]

All right, we're moving on to round number three. Other than a job, name something for which you would fill out an application.

[Mike]

You didn't reset the buttons.

[Judge Giamatti]

Oh.

[Mike]

Oh, college.

[Game Host]

College is the number three answer.

[Jason]

That's not good enough.

[Andy]

I'm going to go with alone.

[Game Host]

Alone is the number two answer. Number one answer still on the board for you.

[Mike]

Fill out an application.

[Game Host]

Yes, sir.

[Andy]

Three.

[Mike]

I know it. Did you say other than a job?

[Game Host]

Yes.

[Mike]

Oh, shucks, I don't know.

[Andy]

Two magic going one magic show.

[Game Host]

I would like to apply to see your magic show.

[Jason]

I'm assuming it's credit card.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Game Host]

Credit card is the number one answer.

[Andy]

As soon as I said loan.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Game Host]

Does rental application and insurance being 4.

[Mike]

And 5, as soon as you said loan, I knew I didn't have an answer.

[Game Host]

All right, through three rounds, we got Andy at 2, Mike at 3, Jason at 5.

[Jason]

Love losing at this game. Go on.

[Game Host]

All right, we're going on to round number four. Name an article of clothing that children are always losing.

[Andy]

I'm going to go with shoes.

[Game Host]

Shoes is the number two answer.

[Andy]

That is. Those are not parents.

[Jason]

Socks.

[Game Host]

Socks is the number one answer.

[Jason]

Thank you. Had to buy my kid all those.

[Mike]

Socks are gonna lose their glasses.

[Brooks]

Oh, the magic.

[Game Host]

Glasses are not on the board.

[Mike]

Oh, really?

[Brooks]

What?

[Game Host]

This survey was obviously not done in Arizona. Finishing out the board, we have.

[Jason]

Oh, scarf or hat?

[Game Host]

Gloves, hat and jacket.

[Jason]

See, we have advantages out here.

[Andy]

So you traveled, huh, to do these surveys?

[Game Host]

I used the Internet.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Game Host]

All right, round number where we at five.

[Mike]

It's not going well. Magic.

[Game Host]

All right. If an alien landed at Christmas time, name a Christmas tradition. That would be hard to explain.

[Andy]

Santa coming into your house to deliver presents.

[Game Host]

The number one answer.

[Jason]

Oh, man, that was really easy.

[Mike]

Christmas trees in your House.

[Game Host]

A tree inside your house is the number three answer.

[Andy]

Number three.

[Jason]

I'm going to say Christmas lights on.

[Game Host]

Your house, not on the board.

[Mike]

Cool. Cool. That one's easy. That one's easy because they're just awesome.

[Game Host]

Gift exchange was number two. Caroling and mistletoe.

[Jason]

I almost said caroling, too.

[Andy]

I feel like the aliens would understand the mistletoe.

[Jason]

I feel like I'm gonna have to start smashing this button before Jason.

[Mike]

That's. That's how it goes, man.

[Jason]

And just try to guess.

[Mike]

Yes. Did you hear bad weather over here. They gave him 10 seconds.

[Andy]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Game Host]

All right, round number six. Before a formal part time job, name a way that kids earn money.

[Mike]

Chores.

[Game Host]

Chores is the number one answer.

[Mike]

You're darn right.

[Andy]

What other answer is.

[Mike]

Good luck, suckers. Internship not on the board, unpaid.

[Game Host]

Andy is so frustrated. You're good. Jason, you have three.

[Jason]

I hate this game.

[Andy]

Two. Lawn mowing one.

[Game Host]

Mowing lawns is the number four answer.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Game Host]

Babysitting being number two.

[Andy]

Oh, that's.

[Mike]

Oh, that's lemonade stand. Oh, no one makes money with the lemonade stand.

[Andy]

You know lemonade stands. Now they're taking Venmo. I mean, like, genuinely. I've seen a couple. Well, it makes sense. We don't have, like, cash on us.

[Jason]

Have you ever gone Venmo? Then they better like it. Better be a to go cup filled up with ice. Make it easy for me, too.

[Mike]

Have you ever stopped at a children's lemonade stand that was not your own kids?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

Yes what?

[Jason]

Not in a car, though.

[Andy]

I stop every time I see one.

[Jason]

No, like, if I see him in the neighborhood, I'll walk down to it. If I see it in the neighborhood on purpose.

[Mike]

And these kids don't have, like, a food handler's card or anything?

[Jason]

No, no food handlers card, Mike.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

Just trying to make 25 cents.

[Andy]

Honestly, usually their lemonade sucks. Yeah, it's not good.

[Jason]

They don't know how to make it.

[Mike]

Why are you supporting this local business?

[Andy]

I'm supporting the children.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

They are a future. All right, what round are we at?

[Game Host]

All right, we are through six rounds, which means this round will be worth double.

[Mike]

Double points.

[Jason]

Andy, you have zero will Boo. Worth double.

[Game Host]

You do have the ability to influence who wins this. You do not have the ability to win.

[Jason]

Of course not.

[Game Host]

Andy has five, Mike has seven, and Jason has 11. Okay, round number seven. Thank you. Tell me something that you would feel before you buy it.

[Mike]

Carpet not on the board. Clothing.

[Game Host]

Clothing and materials is number two.

[Andy]

What?

[Mike]

Oh, Man.

[Game Host]

Jason, you have three seconds.

[Andy]

I'm gonna feel two. Jello.

[Game Host]

Jello is the number one answer.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Game Host]

No furniture. It's not on the board. Fruit and vegetables was the number one answer.

[Mike]

Of course.

[Andy]

Gotta squeeze that candy.

[Jason]

What about that carpet, guys?

[Game Host]

And then pillows, linens and bread. I've never felt bread, but you got.

[Mike]

To give the bread a little squeeze. Do you?

[Andy]

But real tight one.

[Brooks]

Just squeeze next time.

[Andy]

No, I don't want that one. That one's ruined.

[Jason]

Next time you guys go buy carpet. I don't want you to feel it. Do not touch that carpet.

[Game Host]

We have never had this happen. But you guys are tied. Jason and Mike, because.

[Jason]

All right, do you have another. Do you have a backup question?

[Game Host]

Look for a bonus round here.

[Mike]

Well, let me say this.

[Jason]

I won't participate.

[Mike]

I didn't technically. But in the spirit of that first question, I feel like I got the number one answer. Considering that jail and court are nonsense.

[Jason]

Jail and court were a joke.

[Mike]

I challenged that question.

[Andy]

All right, well, then we'll do a tiebreaker here.

[Mike]

Yeah. Oh, okay.

[Jason]

I surveyed a bunch of people shopping for carpet. What was one of the most important things.

[Brooks]

Yeah, that's right.

[Andy]

I said it first.

[Jason]

That's right.

[Game Host]

All right. I just got the first one I pulled up here. Name an occupation that might get tired of wearing the same thing every day.

[Judge Giamatti]

A doctor.

[Game Host]

Doctor is the number two answer.

[Brooks]

Shoot. That was what I was going to go with.

[Andy]

And his face said it was Firefighter.

[Game Host]

That is not on the board. Police officer was.

[Jason]

That's the one I was thinking of.

[Game Host]

I'll give it to you for that. But you still lost. Mike. Mike. Congratulations. You are this week's man of the people.

[Jason]

What a good job. Considering magic show is part of your winning answers, let's move on.

[Podcast Narrator]

The Spitballers draft Limu Temu and Doug.

[Jason]

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[Mike]

It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[Andy]

Limu. Is that guy with the binoculars watching us?

[Mike]

Cut the camera.

[Jason]

They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.

[Andy]

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[Jason]

Excludes Massachusetts.

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[Jason]

Well, we are here. It is draft time and we are drafting things that are yellow. Lot of good things that are yellow, Mike. And you get the first pick, so you're certainly going to get the best one.

[Mike]

Oh, I am not there. Because there are many things that are yellow when you just. When you just think of it. So I'm gonna start like, there's a.

[Andy]

One on one here. I'm really surprised.

[Jason]

There's definitely a one on one for Jason, maybe.

[Andy]

Let's see.

[Mike]

All right, well, I'm gonna go with a lemon.

[Andy]

Okay, well, that was on the top list for me. Not on my list.

[Jason]

It is yellow. It's truly yellow.

[Andy]

Very yellow.

[Mike]

It's very yellow. It's very naturally yellow.

[Jason]

No, I thought you don't like lemons.

[Mike]

No, I like lemons. I don't like lemon desserts.

[Jason]

You like lemonade? I do.

[Mike]

You're like, it's not a lemon dessert.

[Jason]

Okay, so lemons.

[Mike]

Lemons.

[Jason]

Versatile.

[Andy]

Versatile. Very yellow.

[Jason]

Very.

[Mike]

Yes. Extremely yellow.

[Andy]

Okay, I'm on the clock.

[Mike]

You are.

[Andy]

There's no way P. I'm going.

[Brooks]

I'm taking P. Wait, that's the 101?

[Andy]

Yeah, that's the 101. Of course, Marty.

[Mike]

But always.

[Andy]

It is for me, Mike. It is for me. No water here.

[Jason]

Have you seen the top of that urinal?

[Andy]

Yeah. I mean, come on. On the spitballers, you're telling me the one on one isn't P?

[Jason]

Wasn't even on the list.

[Mike]

It's not on my list. No, because you're gross. I'm above that.

[Jason]

Yeah. He's got lemons.

[Andy]

I saw Brooks back there shaking his head. Yeah, he knew.

[Mike]

That's the 101.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I mean, you definitely laid your claim to urine. So I've got the pick.

[Mike]

You do.

[Jason]

Which means I'm going to take a banana. I mean, banana was the easy 101 for Jason. I assumed it's your favorite fruit, and you don't even have it because you have pee.

[Andy]

That is true. It was a tough call between banana and pea, but I went with P. Well, good.

[Brooks]

Then I get to follow up banana.

[Mike]

Oh, goodness gracious.

[Jason]

And take that from you and follow it up with something even far better than a banana, which is cheese.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah.

[Brooks]

Cheese is the goat.

[Jason]

That's the number one. Cheese is great.

[Mike]

Cheddar is on my list.

[Jason]

Yeah. You know what it is? It's very Gouda. It's awesome. It's cheese. It's yellow. It's great. Wait, Gouda?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

It's yellow, too, Mike.

[Mike]

It is.

[Jason]

You betcha.

[Mike]

Gouda is a yellow cheese.

[Jason]

All the Gouda I eat is yellow. Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Yeah, there's light yellows and dark yellows.

[Andy]

And white, just like there's white cheddar and yellow cheddar.

[Jason]

All right, it's back to you now. Peas off the board.

[Andy]

Dang it. Oh, wait, I have it. So we're good?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Okay, so this was diarrhea.

[Brooks]

You guys ever had yellow diarrhea? I'm sorry that we make this show.

[Jason]

I'm sorry this exists.

[Andy]

Oh, man. If only it was yellow. I'm gonna take the sun.

[Mike]

Ooh, good pick.

[Jason]

Good pick.

[Mike]

Way better than P. Actually. Terrible pick.

[Andy]

Well, I know it's white, technically, but everybody knows the sun is yellow.

[Jason]

You're taking the stereotypical view of the sun.

[Mike]

Wait, wait, wait. I know that technically it's not actually yellow.

[Jason]

I mean, not all lemons are yellow either, right?

[Andy]

That's correct.

[Jason]

I mean, they're green.

[Andy]

Certainly not in their entire life.

[Mike]

So are bananas.

[Andy]

Yeah, see?

[Game Host]

So, but.

[Andy]

But here's. Here's the truth. When you look at the sun, it's yellow. If we were to go to outer space and look from outer space. Okay, it's white.

[Jason]

If you drew any of these things on a piece of paper for your kids, what color would you color them?

[Mike]

I would color it yellow.

[Jason]

Yeah. As I would the pea, for the record.

[Game Host]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I would not be drawing like, this.

[Mike]

Is a really hydrated man. I just need to point out that scientifically you are not correct.

[Andy]

I am never correct scientifically, Mike.

[Jason]

All right, Mike, you have. Jason has urine in the sun. I've got banana and cheese. Don't mix them. And then Mike has lemons.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

And something else.

[Mike]

Now I am going to go, there's a lot of stuff that's yellow. I'm going to start this off with police tape or caution tape.

[Jason]

Caution tape.

[Mike]

I mean, you're just a big fan.

[Jason]

It's just.

[Mike]

It's very yellow.

[Jason]

Just stay away.

[Mike]

And I'm trying to. Trying to diversify my draft picks here.

[Jason]

It's pretty hard to cross caution tape.

[Mike]

You're not allowed to. Yeah. And then they make it yellow so that it's like, clearly.

[Jason]

See. Yeah.

[Andy]

There.

[Mike]

This is tape. Now, is it. Is it police tape or is it caution tape?

[Andy]

I think it's caution tape.

[Jason]

It's police tape if they use it.

[Mike]

So, like, I can use it and.

[Andy]

Yeah, you can rope off anything you want.

[Mike]

And I could say, sir, please, please don't enter this area.

[Jason]

Caution is what you're saying.

[Andy]

Honestly, I feel like that shouldn't be sold. You know what I mean? Like.

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

It's too powerful a tool.

[Mike]

And on top of that.

[Jason]

No, those are the ones that say police ones say official caution tape. You can buy unofficial caution tape, which.

[Mike]

If it actually says. It probably says do not cross. But if all if it said was caution tape, I can go in there and just be careful.

[Andy]

Yeah, be careful. Have caution.

[Jason]

Actually, that kind of tape is what's around, like, potholes and stuff. Whereas crime scene tape. Does it say something different on the tape?

[Mike]

Probably says police sign.

[Andy]

Police line.

[Game Host]

Yeah, police line, do not cross. But you can buy it on Amazon.

[Brooks]

I can buy police tape?

[Game Host]

Yes, you can.

[Jason]

You know, those are fun. Don't do this. But those are fun social experiments in my head. Cause people will obey anything that looks official. Even if I walked up in plain clothes with some police tape and I start taping off an area, like, I could probably tape right in between a line that people are in, and they'd have to go get in another line because they would just obey it.

[Mike]

If you had a construction vest on.

[Jason]

Oh, that'd be.

[Mike]

Or a suit.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Then people would absolutely be like, name.

[Jason]

Tag with a lanyard.

[Mike]

You'd see a bunch of people, it just says Todd getting all upset. And they're like, well, I'll go around now.

[Andy]

Don't do this. But, you know, the next time you're at a restaurant or something and someone treats you rude and have real bad service, just go caution off the front of that building. Just, just. Just put a little caution tape right there. And then you're good. Just jokes on them. No more customers.

[Jason]

Yeah. I may or may not have seen a YouTube video of somebody just throwing a bike lock on the front two doors of a place because they can't do anything about it.

[Mike]

See, now that's criminal mischief.

[Jason]

That's criminal mischief. All right, Mike, you Have limits and caution tape. But you have to drop another yellow thing.

[Mike]

I have plenty of them on my list. And for this one, I'm going to go. We got to add some cuteness.

[Jason]

No.

[Mike]

Into this draft.

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

Wow.

[Mike]

Yeah. I don't. I mean, I'm.

[Andy]

There's something cute that Andy really wants.

[Mike]

I'm going to go with a duckling.

[Jason]

Oh, all right. That's fine.

[Mike]

And he got very worried. But yeah. Little. Little baby ducks that are very yellow. And they are incredible.

[Jason]

I mean, the yellow ones are.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

No, that makes sense. So not a rubber ducky, an actual real life duckling.

[Judge Giamatti]

Yes.

[Jason]

People don't keep ducks as pets, do they?

[Andy]

Not really.

[Mike]

It's not impossible.

[Jason]

Like, I like ducklings. And then you have to give them. Give them back to the.

[Mike]

To the world. One of my buddies I grew up with, they had some farmland. They had chickens, and then they had a couple ducks.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

And they were awesome.

[Jason]

Really?

[Judge Giamatti]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I mean, they take huge dumps.

[Jason]

Oh, do they?

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

What a show we got here.

[Andy]

Is that why they're called ducks? This is just big dumps.

[Jason]

No. I don't know if you got a way to shut this guy's mic off.

[Mike]

What is that?

[Andy]

I don't have.

[Jason]

Somebody give this guy.

[Andy]

Do they go on the ground or do they go in the water?

[Mike]

They do. They'll do both.

[Andy]

Really?

[Mike]

Yeah. Sink or swim, Wherever they are. You're asking if the turd sinks or swims?

[Andy]

Yes, I am.

[Mike]

That part I can't recall.

[Andy]

Car.

[Mike]

There's probably a sink. Very dense.

[Andy]

All right, I think we've lost Andy. All right.

[Brooks]

What is happening?

[Andy]

All right.

[Brooks]

Jason's on the clock.

[Andy]

I'm on the clock.

[Mike]

I got. It's not why they call them dumps. Cause if I change a couple letters, it sounds like dump.

[Brooks]

Exactly. You see me? That was your joke. This is the guy that pees on the top of urinals, man.

[Andy]

And drafts Pete. All right, so I've got. I've got pee in the sun.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And I'm going to get two more picks here.

[Mike]

Well, just one right now.

[Andy]

Sure. I'm going to take something that I love, a lot of people hate, but there's no debating its color. Mustard.

[Jason]

Oh, I think that'll be a popular pick among the mustoni, mustard, onions.

[Andy]

Oh, nice pick.

[Mike]

It's mustardians.

[Jason]

Mustardians.

[Mike]

Thank you.

[Andy]

Do you guys like mustard?

[Jason]

I do. I like mustard. It's not as much as you.

[Andy]

That's fair.

[Mike]

It took some time. I did not like it as a Wee lad. But it's grown on me now somehow.

[Jason]

In my head, and you correct me if I'm wrong, but like Dijon mustard, I feel like I'm supposed to like more because it's.

[Andy]

It's fancy.

[Jason]

It's fancy.

[Game Host]

Yeah.

[Jason]

But, like, it is a completely different taste than regular mustard.

[Andy]

100%. You're supposed to like it more because it's fancy. But worse, I don't think it's not as good.

[Jason]

And a lot of times, it has little seeds in it. Right.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

What makes it Dijon? What's added in there, Mr. Chef?

[Andy]

Well, if you have to know.

[Mike]

I do.

[Andy]

I think it's, like, almost. I want to say it's like mayo.

[Jason]

There's actually mustard seeds in it or something.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

So. But I'm trying to figure out what makes it. What is Dijon mustard made of mustard? It's mustard seeds. I'll tell you.

[Mike]

That's it.

[Andy]

It's made with brown or black mustard seeds and white wine.

[Jason]

I just feel like the regular mustard's like, that stuff's always smooth.

[Andy]

Yeah. I mean, classic yellow mustard.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I'm taking yellow mustard.

[Mike]

Yeah. It's a good pick.

[Jason]

All right, so urine sun mustard. I've got banana and cheese and two picks. I'm going with Pikachu. Pikachu's the third pick. That's the one. I thought you were going to sneak out. I wanted Pikachu. I thought it'd come back to me. Luckily, it did because of duckling. So Pikachu. Yellow, cute, popular.

[Mike]

That's true.

[Jason]

Those are three qualities that I want in a pick. My last one. Just trying to figure out whether these ones count.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

Because there are. One of them is gold to gold. Gold's not yellow. Or is gold yellow?

[Andy]

Gold, yellow.

[Jason]

If you drew yellow. If you drew gold on a piece of paper, you draw yellow.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Judge Giamatti]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So can I take gold?

[Andy]

I will let you take gold.

[Mike]

I will not.

[Jason]

I mean, you're not gonna. I can move on.

[Mike]

It's not very yellow to say, like, the actual gold.

[Jason]

I'm not gonna worry about it.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

I'm gonna go with the brick road.

[Andy]

No.

[Jason]

As in the yellow brick road.

[Brooks]

No, give him gold. That was my pick on my way to Oz.

[Andy]

Dang it. I was all. I knew nobody would have the yellow brick road.

[Jason]

I'm taking the brick road.

[Andy]

Darn it.

[Mike]

That's a great pick.

[Andy]

That is a great pick.

[Mike]

That's way better than gold.

[Jason]

All right.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I was just kidding about gold. If you want gold, Jay, it's There for you.

[Mike]

Yeah. Andy will allow it.

[Andy]

No, I've got plenty of other things on my list. I'm just trying to decide what's the best one. Man, I really wanted Yellow Brick Road. I'm not gonna lie to you guys.

[Mike]

That was gonna set you up, man.

[Andy]

Pretty devastating. I think. Even though there's something I like much better on my list, I'm gonna go with the classic here. The super yellow, incredibly quintessential school bus.

[Jason]

I don't mind that pick at all.

[Mike]

It's on my list, actually.

[Jason]

It gets a great pick. It's iconic. Yeah. If you were, like, drawing a picture of a town, you need to draw a school bus in there. Did any of you ever ride the school bus?

[Andy]

Yes, a handful of times, but not regularly.

[Mike]

Yeah, no, the.

[Judge Giamatti]

I rode the bus a lot.

[Jason]

Interesting. What was that like? Was it a good time? No, I've always heard bad things.

[Mike]

Remember my tales of. I thought I had told the story of, like, when I was in junior high and we rode the bus, and it's a real chicken or egg situation. Now that I'm an adult and I can look back. Our bus driver was as crotchety and cranky as it possibly gets.

[Jason]

Impossible not to be.

[Mike]

And you're like, well, did that happen? Was this person always this way? Or was it because of all the. The hooligans on the bus who are throwing scissors out the windows at people.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

As well as other objects.

[Jason]

It was a mix. It was a mix.

[Judge Giamatti]

Yeah.

[Mike]

The bus, and it's Arizona, and it's just. It was unpleasant.

[Jason]

All right, so I finished with banana cheese, Pikachu, and Yellow Brick Road. Jason got urine, sun, mustard, school bus. Mike, you have a lemon caution tape, a little yellow duckling, and one final pick.

[Mike]

All right, we're going to close it with emojis.

[Jason]

I. Dude, it was on the list.

[Andy]

Yeah, it wasn't on my list. That's a good one.

[Jason]

It was that or the brick road. Man. That was good. I like that pick.

[Mike]

The yellow face. Yeah, they're all yellow, which I imagine that's. Did that start because of, like, just the original yellow?

[Andy]

Yeah, the happy face. The classic happy face. I think that's where that was like, the original emoji. Before these existed, I had.

[Jason]

I had pineapple on the list. I thought. I thought Mike would go pineapple. I got Big Bird on the list.

[Mike]

Big Bird is on my list.

[Jason]

Minions.

[Andy]

Okay, that's good.

[Jason]

I wasn't sure if honey was yellow. I don't think we're ever going to do a Draft for that so we.

[Mike]

Could do things that are gold.

[Jason]

There's honey, there's gold and gold. No, that's all I had left on my list. You guys got good picks.

[Andy]

I have banana runts, which I felt like I couldn't take because bananas were taken. Banana candy, egg yolk.

[Brooks]

It's always got something different.

[Andy]

Homer Simpson.

[Jason]

Oh, that was a great pick.

[Andy]

You didn't take post it notes. And the one that I said that I like most it notes good, too.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Corn on the cob.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

It's on. You guys have listed or off the cob. It's also yellow most everything. But I had this one on here for Brooksie. A submarine.

[Jason]

Absolutely. That's a good one.

[Mike]

But there's only really one, actually two yellow submarines. Because the Disneyland ones are pretty yellow. Last time, I remember.

[Podcast Narrator]

What did we learn today?

[Mike]

Oh, man. I learned that Jason is the pisser.

[Jason]

I learned. Yeah. Don't be well distracted. That was on my list.

[Andy]

Yeah. I learned that you can be called a theft.

[Jason]

Yeah, I did. Yeah.

[Mike]

Andy, let me ask you this.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Did so you. The.

[Jason]

The.

[Mike]

The person at the building was never caught.

[Jason]

Never caught.

[Mike]

Are you now, at this point, 100% sure it wasn't Jason the whole time?

[Jason]

I am not. Jason's very distractible, and now I'm worried.

[Mike]

Like, it could have been. And he. He may not have even known.

[Jason]

He could have been completely unaware. And then after he would get done at the end, he would look down and go. He was.

[Brooks]

He was just here.

[Andy]

So you're telling me that when I would have that experience of going in and say, he hasn't been here yet today? That was always my first trip.

[Jason]

That was always your first trip. Yeah.

[Andy]

Then the second trip.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

Oh, he came between when I was.

[Mike]

Here or he snuck in while I was going to the bathroom.

[Jason]

All right, everybody, put your phones away when you use the restroom. That's the message for today for Al Borland, Jess Giamatti, and the three of us. Goodbye.

[Mike]

Goodbye.

[Podcast Narrator]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com.

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