Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Ducks and Dumps & Things That Are Yellow - Spit Hits!
Date: April 17, 2025

Episode Overview

In this hilariously candid episode, the Spitballers Podcast trio—Andy, Mike, and Jason—return with a fresh batch of absurd "Would You Rather" questions, a riotous debate on the rules and loopholes of theft and murder hypotheticals, an unexpectedly confessional moment in the men’s room, a spirited round of "Man of the People," and an over-the-top draft of "Things That Are Yellow." Fans of clean, relatable dad-humor will find both laughter and a little childhood nostalgia in this episode.

Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Would You Rather: Torture by Sleep or Wasted Days?

[03:13 - 08:09]

• The Dilemma:

  • Be startled awake every 30 minutes for the rest of your life, or
  • Only be able to wake up after 12 hours every time you sleep.

• Immediate Reactions:

  • Mike: Analogizes the 30-minute option to having a newborn—"Would you rather have a newborn baby for the rest of your life?"
    • “Your nights feel like, I don’t know, a week long…” (Jason, 04:13)
  • Jason: Considers the unworkability of a forced 12-hour sleep ("You would have to not sleep to make certain appointments," 04:49).
  • Andy: Jokes that he’s tired every single day anyway:

    “I'm tired every single day of my life right now.” (Andy, 05:18)

  • The group muses about all-nighters, physically adjusting to strange sleep patterns, and if it’s really worth being so well-rested for only half your life.

• Consensus:

  • Reluctantly, Jason & Mike lean toward the 12-hour sleep, citing that constant sleep interruption is literal torture. Andy stands alone ("I'm going every 30 minutes. Absolutely. My body will adjust," 08:03).

2. Would You Rather: Super Powers—Through, See, or Hear Through Walls?

[08:18 - 12:39]

• Which is more practical: Walking through walls, seeing through walls, or hearing through walls?
  • The group quickly eliminates hearing through walls—"I don't want to hear people talking crap about me," (Jason, 10:43).
  • Extensive tangents about logistics: Can you bring objects with you through walls? ("My wallet's not ending up on the other side of the wall," Jason, 09:21).
  • Walking through walls wins for sheer convenience—no more doors, lines, or fire hazards:

    “Never waiting in line for one of those sporting events… you’re just walking in through the side of the building.” (Jason, 12:07)

  • Bonus: “Fire hazard? Never. I walk right out.” (Andy, 12:26)
  • The crew make Terminator and bank robbery jokes, riffing about the endless non-criminal uses (“You can park wherever you want at the mall,” Andy, 11:57).

3. Would You Rather: Daily Crime or Daily Death?

[12:53 - 19:26]

• The Scenario: Must either steal something or kill something (anything) once per day, or die.

• Their Take:

  • Murdering bugs as the practical workaround—“You can get your crickets or beetles… just buy a lifetime supply so you can live.” (Andy, 13:28)

  • Extended, hilarious debate about what constitutes theft:

    “If you take someone’s clothing and throw it out the bars… Is that stealing?” (Jason, 14:29)

  • Mike and Andy spiral into legal semantics (15:07–17:02), concluding most “throwing” is criminal mischief, not theft.

    “Your Honor, he is charged with first degree throwing of the necklace.” (Andy, 16:05)

  • Older and softer on bugs, they recount youthful bug murders vs. recent rescues:

    "When I was a young man… bugs stood no chance." (Mike, 17:39)
    “I think it has to do with… as a kid, I was much more afraid of bugs.” (Jason, 18:44)

4. Would You Rather: Summon Toiletries or Bedding Essentials?

[19:41 - 26:27]

• Would you rather be able to instantly summon your comforter and pillow, or toilet paper?
  • Andy’s major dilemma: “I have outgrown really nice toilet paper… that used to be the problem with pooping in public.” (20:13)
  • Group rants about the state of public restrooms:

    “Is there a directive from the top, like, to all Circle K managers, DO NOT clean that?” (Jason, 20:52) “Once something’s gone awry in the bathroom…the next man has to accommodate the first man's mess.” (Jason, 21:56)

  • Mike reflects: “It’s a domino effect…eventually, you’re not peeing in the urinal at all, your back is against the wall…” (22:23)
  • Personal confession: Andy admits to once being “the source” of the urinal floor mess due to cell phone distraction, accidentally peeing on top of a low urinal. (“I peed on the top of the toilet. On the top of the urinal. But I didn’t know." Andy, 24:53)
  • Sheer mortification and laughter:

    “So you’ve gone from ‘never’ to being the worst offender ever!” (Brooks, 25:42)

5. Man of the People (Game Show Segment)

[29:21 - 39:07]

• Fast-paced “Family Feud”-style quiz, loaded with tangents and banter about the logic of audience survey results.
  • Example: “The number one answer was JAIL. Number two was COURT. TV, billboard, and hospital.” (Game Host, 30:27)
    • “If you are in court, my friend, it is too late.” (Mike, 30:36)
  • Questions range from “Name an article of clothing kids always lose” (Jason wins with 'socks', 33:33) to “What would be hard for aliens to explain about Christmas?” (Andy gets 'Santa entering homes', 34:22).
  • Fun exchanges about chores, lemonade stands, and feeling fruit at the grocery store:
    • “Fruit and vegetables was the number one answer. Of course.” (Game Host, 37:25)
    • “Do you ever stop at a lemonade stand that wasn’t your own kids?” (Mike, 35:53)
    • “Honestly, usually their lemonade sucks. They don't know how to make it.” (Andy, 36:14)
  • Ending in a rare tie, resolved by a tiebreaker (“Name an occupation that might get tired of wearing the same thing every day?” Doctor/police officer win).

6. Spitballers Draft: Things That Are Yellow

[40:50 - 54:55]

• Each hosts drafts four “yellow” things, with rationale and plenty of trash talk.

• Picks include:

  • Mike: Lemons, caution tape, duckling, emojis
    • “I’m going to go with a duckling…” (Mike, 47:39)
    • “…the yellow face. Yeah, they're all yellow, which I imagine that's… Did that start because of… the happy face?” (Mike, 54:18)
  • Andy: Urine, sun, mustard, school bus
    • “I’m taking P. Wait, that’s the 101?” (Andy, 41:54)
    • “I know it’s white, technically, but everybody knows the sun is yellow.” (Andy, 43:46)
    • “Do you guys like mustard?” (Andy, 49:50)
  • Jason: Banana, cheese, Pikachu, Yellow Brick Road
    • “Banana was the easy 101 for Jason… and you don’t even have it because you have pee.” (Jason, 42:27)
    • “I’m going with Pikachu. Pikachu’s the third pick.” (Jason, 51:16)
    • “I’m taking the brick road... as in the Yellow Brick Road.” (Jason, 51:55)

• Hilarious runner-ups discussed:

  • Big Bird, Minions, post-it notes, pineapple, Homer Simpson, submarine, corn on the cob, banana runs, egg yolk.

• Quotes:

  “I was just kidding about gold. If you want gold, Jay, it’s there for you.” (Andy, 52:14) “I think that'll be a popular pick among the mustardians.” (Jason, 49:44) “I may or may not have seen a YouTube video of somebody just throwing a bike lock on the front two doors of a place because they can't do anything about it. See, now that's criminal mischief.” (Jason, 47:16)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Sleep dilemma:

  “I've had a newborn baby. This is exactly what it's like… The 12 hours makes perfect sense if you can plan properly.” (Jason, 04:13)

• Public restrooms riff:

  “It’s a domino effect…eventually, you're not peeing in the urinal at all, your back is against the wall, you're peeing on the ground, and you're playing a new game.” (Andy, 22:23)

• Personal confession:

  “I go to the stall… I'm on my phone… I peed on the top of the toilet. On the top of the urinal. But I didn't know…” (Andy, 24:53)

• Yellow draft confession:

  “I'm taking P. Wait, that's the 101? …It is for me, Mike. It is for me.” (Andy, 41:54)

• Pikachu pick:

  “I'm going with Pikachu. Pikachu's the third pick. That's the one I thought you were going to sneak out.” (Jason, 51:16)

• Man of the People rules lawyer:

  “Your Honor, he is charged with first degree throwing of the necklace.” (Andy, 16:05)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:13 – Would You Rather: 12-Hour Sleep / 30-Min Wake Ups
• 08:18 – Would You Rather: Wall Powers
• 12:53 – Would You Rather: Steal or Kill Bugs
• 19:41 – Would You Rather: Summon Pillow/Toilet Paper / Public Restroom Tangents
• 24:43 – Andy’s Urinal Confession
• 29:21 – Man of the People Quiz Game
• 40:50 – Draft: Things That Are Yellow

Tone & Vibe

The episode is uproariously casual, honest, and sometimes surprisingly confessional. There’s an abundance of “dad logic,” wordplay, and self-deprecation—all characteristic of the Spitballers’ clean, family-friendly yet irreverent humor. The tone is playful, often veering into tangents but always snapping back with hilarious self-awareness ("I'm sorry we make this show," Andy, 43:37).

For the New Listener

This episode delivers quintessential Spitballers: relatable dad complaints, comedy over awkward everyday moments (especially in public bathrooms), riotous debates over the minutiae of hypothetical situations, and an epic draft about yellow things. It’s a perfect snapshot of the show’s unique ability to mix nonsense, genuine friendship, and spontaneous laughs that resonate well beyond the episode.

Listen if you love:

• Nonsensical “would you rather” debates
• Clean but somewhat edgy “dad” humor
• Hilarious anecdotes about real life fails
• Playful competitive energy and drafts
• The comedic chemistry of longtime friends