
We’re moving metal mountains, digging deep into geology and answering life’s greatest questions in this hilarious episode before wrapping things up with a Worst Place to be Stuck Overnight draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!
Loading summary
Jason
Aruba loves you. Seriously, like the entire island. You don't believe me? Then visit it and you'll see. The beaches will soothe you with warming love. The water will heal you with cleansing love. The food will fill you with delicious, delicious food love. And the people, well, they offer the warmest love of all. That's a lot of love. Hope you like feeling incredible basically the entire time you you're there. Just be sure to return the favor. So go ahead and meet Aruba and then love Aruba. Plan your trip today@aruba.com today's show is
Mike
brought to you by our friends at indeed. We know here that hiring someone for a job, it's not just about filling a role. You got to find someone with the right background, the experience. It's a difficult thing to do. And that's what Indeed is here to help you do. Get the right person for that job. Indeed. Sponsor jobs help you match with candidates who can move your business forward. Target candidates by skills, certifications, or location. Join the 3.3 million employers worldwide that use Indeed to connect with quality talent that fits their needs. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, more results. Now with Indeed Sponsored Jobs. And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves. And at Indeed.com podcast terms and conditions apply. Hiring. Do it the right way with Indeed.
Jason
What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason Skibidi. Bop, bop, don't stop. I got the Riz and I'm late.
Mike
Not so easy.
Jason
He started so late. This is why I'm not a musician. I was like, is his mic not working?
Andy
I thought so, too. I did hear, like, a click.
Mike
Oh, no.
Jason
Okay.
Andy
I think he could have gotten there if he just started on time.
Jason
Oh, man. I don't know what he did because doing it late made it so great.
Andy
Thank you, Papa Josh. And Jason, I'm sure, is the most I got.
Mike
The Riz was in there somewhere.
Jason
That was the whole point.
Andy
I did like that he finished it with I'm late. That's the hard part, Papa Josh, is that you get one shot. You get one crack, it gets in your head. You think, I don't want to get off beat. I've had times when I thought I knew what I was going to say, and then you realize you're off Rhythm.
Jason
No, it's. It's not so easy.
Andy
Yeah. I don't know if you got the riz, but thank you for jumping in. Welcome to The Spitballers, episode 325. Papa Josh's debut. I would say every 325 episodes. He's good to go on the scat. It's another five years.
Jason
I'm guessing he's going to want redemption.
Andy
Oh, yeah.
Jason
The next two episodes he could be
Andy
like the full time guy. Would you rather. That's a great question. And we are drafting the worst places to be stuck overnight. Worst places to have to spend the night is the draft on today's show. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for supporting the show. The website is spitballerspod.com youm can learn how to become an official spitwad, submit your questions to the show, share your feedback with us, and support the podcast. If you enjoy it, go over to spitballerspod.com and become a spitwad. Let's get it going.
Jason
Would you rather.
Andy
All right, Brianna, from the website, or actually, this is from Patreon, says would you rather have a free house, free food, and every single one of your basic needs completely covered for free?
Jason
Okay, so all necessities covered.
Andy
Yep. House, food, every basic need. Or would you rather have an army of 1000 loyal dwarves who will do whatever you command?
Jason
Okay.
Mike
All right.
Andy
What?
Jason
So an army, a thousand of them, and they do whatever I command?
Andy
Like, would you be able to get all your basic needs met with an army of a thousand small dwarves?
Jason
Sure.
Andy
How big. How big is a dwarf just to define the term? Because I don't know, this is like
Mike
Lord of the Rings stuff, right?
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
My axe.
Jason
Yeah. They got to have a beard. That's like rule. I mean, if they're at working age, they've got a long beard. Right.
Andy
How soon do dwarves get their beard? Is that puberty or is that from birth?
Jason
I got to think it's like 12. Like 12 years old. They got a big beard. And I imagine they live.
Andy
I mean, they live underground. Right? Dwarves, Mike.
Mike
Between. Sorry, I'm on height. And they. Yeah, they live in the mountain or under the mountain. Or under the mountain?
Jason
Yeah, in the mines.
Andy
But not under the ground. Right. There has to be a mountain above them for some reason. Even if they're down beneath the ground
Mike
level, they like mining.
Andy
Right. And mountains have. A lot of.
Jason
Mountains are where the metal is.
Mike
Jason, you know this, of course. Yes, I do.
Jason
Of course, they call them metal mountains.
Mike
So, I mean, between four and five feet Is what I am seeing.
Jason
What, between four and five feet. That's incredible.
Andy
At first I thought you meant beneath the earth is where they're not very far down.
Mike
According to author J.R.R. tolkien, dwar are on average between 4 and 5ft tall.
Andy
Yeah. They're subterranean. They're 4 to 5ft. 4 to 5ft tall is not that short.
Mike
No, it's.
Andy
I think. I think in lore, dwarves sometimes they could be smaller. They're always hefty, though. There's never a skinny. They're not a skinny dwarf.
Jason
They're strong.
Mike
They're swinging that axe because of all the mining.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
You have to dig constantly.
Jason
Also think about. So if you've got a thousand. And I like that. It's called an army. I really do. Just means like, you know, it's not like a thousand workers or I've got a thousand soldiers. But they'll also still work. I feel like I can make a lot of businesses here.
Andy
That's what I was going to say. It's about business. Can you get the.
Mike
I don't know.
Andy
You got to get the revenue to get the free house, free food, basic needs met. I feel like the house. They take care of the house. A thousand workers. They'll build you an underground. You'll be insulated by the earth.
Mike
Are you okay with that, though? You want to live under the mountain? No skylights.
Andy
Can I get a skylight?
Mike
No way, man.
Andy
I wanted a skylight.
Mike
You can't have one.
Andy
Do I get lights at all? I mean, I got.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
It doesn't have to just be like a torch. Right. Can I run an extension?
Mike
Do they have electricity?
Andy
An extension cord?
Jason
Yeah, you can. You can. We're not.
Andy
This is modern day.
Jason
Yeah. This is today.
Andy
If I had a thousand doors down the street building me a house, they'd put an extension cord down there.
Mike
No, but no. Dwarfs can't handle electricity.
Jason
Oh, they. I feel like if they.
Andy
I'll handle the electricity. All right. I'll do that part.
Jason
You'll hire an electrician. Yes. To help with all the dwarf management.
Mike
Smelting. They got that. No problem.
Andy
They got smelting. They'll carve it out for me.
Mike
But circuits and can they get me.
Andy
Are they good at wattage? Food?
Mike
Yeah. They can hunt. I'm sure.
Andy
What do dwarves do for food? No one ever talks about this. There any things to eat under the ground?
Jason
I would imagine they hunt.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
I mean, they don't just live underground. They can go outside.
Andy
The dwarves are going out much and
Jason
then maybe not much. I mean, it's like, you know. How often. How often are you outside? Andy, how often are you outside?
Andy
What do you want? Like, amount of hours a day?
Jason
Yeah. How many hours a day are you outside? 24 hours a day. How many hours on an average day, let's say in the summer.
Andy
Okay, not much.
Jason
Not much an hour. 0.1 hour in the pool. Right? Exactly. So it's like, that's no different. Just because you live underground, they're gonna. They're gonna spend time outside when they need to spend time outside. One of these is gonna be my driver, right? No.
Andy
What can you farm underground?
Mike
Dwarfs can't drive.
Jason
Dwarfs can't drive.
Andy
Four feet tall.
Mike
No, I don't. Four to five. I don't care about the height. I'm just going upon. This is what. What they actually know how to do.
Andy
A thousand of them could carry you everywhere.
Mike
That they could do.
Andy
They could carry you like a kind of a crowd surfing transportation model.
Jason
I'm gonna teach one to try.
Andy
You're gonna. Which one of you?
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
You just have to get them a small vehicle booster seat.
Jason
I do think that having an army would be worth it. And if I. Because they're an army, if my house cannot be, you know, they can't generate enough revenue, I think I could take someone else's house with an army, then, therefore I have a free house.
Mike
I just.
Andy
Yeah. I mean, dwarves, to me, they're so mysterious. They're always hidden. No one knows they exist. That's how they survive. They're so little. I feel like they must get their food underground. I'm still on the food.
Mike
You're on the underground.
Jason
They're only eating potatoes and onions and carrots.
Mike
Yeah, no, they're so sturdy. They got to be getting good protein.
Andy
Do you think they're taking down like a deer and bringing it back underground?
Mike
I think so.
Andy
Hmm. That's a long way to go. They don't have elevators and stuff, right?
Jason
No.
Andy
So you've got. You gotta walk out of the mine.
Jason
You said they don't know electricity.
Mike
Yeah, but you can make an elevator without electricity.
Andy
Oh, like a pulley system. Yeah. Jason, Jason, there was machine. Don't act too surprising.
Mike
There are machines. You're dumber. That don't use electricity.
Jason
What?
Andy
How do you think people got down into mines before they could install ladders?
Mike
Long ladders. Doesn't need a generator. Just needs something real heavy.
Andy
Okay, so we're going dwarves.
Jason
I'll take the army.
Andy
Charlie, from the website.
Mike
You're taking the army?
Jason
Yeah, I'M taking the army.
Andy
You don't want all those needs met?
Mike
Mike, I do all the free stuff, okay?
Andy
Okay. Jason wants the power.
Jason
I'm gonna get all the free stuff I want. With an army.
Andy
Would it have changed if I had just told you they're workers?
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
So the word army is what you.
Jason
Yeah, I want an army.
Mike
That's fair.
Jason
That'd be awesome.
Andy
Charlie, from the website.
Mike
Your army's not taking over nothing.
Jason
My army's not going to do anything. I'm not going to send them to war or battle. I'm not going to hurt anyone. But I have an army.
Andy
You want to have.
Jason
Yes, I want to have an army.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Yes, that would be. I mean, who of us among us?
Mike
We're not just a thousand axe carrying dwarves.
Jason
Yeah, so long as I don't have to feed them. They self sustain, you know, they can feed themselves because that's a lot.
Mike
Right. But where, where are they gonna live? Here on the ground we had digging here is very cold. We got that caliche or whatever it is.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
In Arizona. Hard to dig. No, basic.
Mike
Hold on, I got a question of the dragon. I got a. I got a question for you guys. Is that real?
Andy
Okay.
Mike
Or is this bull crap by big pool in Arizona where they're like, hey,
Andy
this is just a. Let me set the table. Because no one on earth knows what you're talking about.
Jason
This is a very geographically specific.
Andy
None of our homes, very few homes. I won't say none. Very few homes have basements. A lot of places in the country people have basements. We also have lots of pools and very hard ground and granite and hard rock. And this rock that Mike is talking about is like caliche, which is a really dense hard rock that pool companies charge you 4x to blow out of the ground so that they can put a pool in.
Jason
And he says, quote you one thing. Here's what they do. They come in and they say, I'm going to build this pool. I designed it. It's great. It's $20,000. This pool is $20,000. Now if we run into caliche, if we. I don't know if it's here or not. I just did your neighbor's pool. We didn't run into any.
Mike
Oh, that is in this area.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
But if we run into it here, I've got to get different machinery. It's much a harder dig.
Mike
Yes. Now classified.
Andy
They literally call it a hard dig. Hard dig.
Jason
Yeah. And so I'm going to have to hide.
Mike
I think it's too Hard for us.
Jason
I have to hire.
Andy
They give us an easy dig discount. They're not like, this one was a breeze. Here's half off.
Jason
Yeah, he's like, I got to hire twice as many dwarves to get this cool dog, right? And it's got to be complete nonsense. It's got.
Andy
I mean, everywhere here, they're microscopically examining the soil. There's a little bit.
Jason
I hit a rock. I hit a rock. Charge them quadruple.
Andy
Yeah. No, that is a real thing.
Jason
They're all sham artists.
Andy
Not pool artists, as you normally would call them. You guys want to move on to the next question? Yes. Charlie, from the website, would you rather be able to see through physical things, Clothes, walls, doors, or be able to see through figurative things? Lies, false promises, fake feelings, dishonesty.
Jason
Oh, man, this is so easy. Because I can tell you right now, I don't think I want to see through the lies, the fake feelings.
Andy
You want to live in your fake bubble. You want to live in a world where you are lied to.
Jason
I think in. Well, I do live in a world where I'm lied to. We all do. And I, like, I am not a proponent for lying or saying that that's good and right and that's how it should be. But it is the world we live in. And I don't know if we could handle as human beings knowing everyone's genuine thoughts. I just don't know if we can handle it.
Mike
It's not. You're not knowing.
Andy
You're not a mind reader.
Mike
You're not a mind reader. It is what they are sharing with you.
Andy
Like the. Let me give you a hypothetical example.
Jason
Okay, totally hypothetical.
Andy
Let's say you're meeting with a pool company and they say, yes. And they say to you, you know what?
Mike
And they go, we're charging you for
Andy
a hard dig no matter what you say. That's the kind of company we run. Other companies might be honest. We're not. Would you like to hire us? That would be a situation where you could say, no, I do not. You're a liar. You're lying. You're faking me out. I want to hire somebody else.
Jason
But then you're going to get the next person that comes, and they're going to say the same exact thing, and then the next person is going to say the same, and you're just going to be like, man, this sucks. This world sucks. Why is everybody bad?
Andy
You are all. You already believe that. You already believe it. You already live in that world right now. You already believe that. Everybody's a liar. And that is not a world that's fun to live in. But you don't know.
Mike
You don't know which ones are not the liars because they're sprinkled throughout.
Andy
Some people are honest. Yes, they are honest people, hard workers.
Jason
I don't know about that.
Andy
The dwarves, for one.
Jason
Well, sure, yeah.
Mike
They can't lie, right?
Jason
They have an honor system.
Mike
Yeah. So look, that's what I'm taking.
Andy
That would be to see through the kind of false promises, fake feelings.
Mike
It would be so incredible.
Andy
Yeah. You don't like pretense. You don't want some, like.
Mike
Well, I'm like, it's when you have that, it's literally you can trust everything you hear.
Andy
There would be so much you just,
Mike
you know, I mean, you're not actually hearing the truth, but you know the truth. Imagine living in a world where you
Andy
know that would feel good.
Mike
All you know what is true and what is not true, man. Like, that would be.
Jason
You're just saying you would know when people are telling the truth. You don't know everything that's true. It doesn't give you special knowledge.
Mike
But I know that. I know when it's a lie.
Andy
I don't even know how helpful seeing through walls and doors is.
Mike
I mean, it like. Are you playing a first person shooter? I guess that would be because wall hacks are very good. I mean, I guess you could translate that into actual.
Andy
I mean, it just doesn't do me a lot of good to look at that, like giant bank vault and be like, yeah, there is money in there. Like I, I think I know there's money in there.
Mike
Where's the cash?
Andy
Right?
Mike
Oh, hold on. Let me use my X ray vision.
Jason
It's in the register. I found it.
Mike
That big thing, Mark, Money.
Jason
It's in there.
Andy
Just so you know. I know how many twenties you got in there?
Jason
You know? Okay, let me, let me tell you this. You're. You just glance over towards the kitchen and you're like, I don't know what's in the fridge. I can see. I know what's in the fridge from all the way from over now.
Mike
You don't have to pay for that stupid upgraded window, right? What is that thing all about?
Andy
Is that thing working out for the fridge companies?
Mike
I don't. It's so special.
Andy
We were talking about the fridge with the window. Yeah, you go, you go. Knock, knock. You knock on the window.
Mike
You see, Mr. Fridge, you know what's
Andy
more valuable would be, is there any
Mike
milk in There like a really good
Andy
camera that you can just see everything on your phone.
Jason
Those, those exist now. I. I don't have one of the. I do have the knock knock fridge.
Mike
You have a knock knock?
Jason
I have a knock knock fridge.
Mike
How often are you going knock knock?
Jason
I was there. I don't use it. You never use it? I have never, ever. I mean, when I first got it, you had a novelty.
Andy
The knock knock fridge is this ability.
Jason
I could see through the front of my fridge. Who cares? Except I gotta stand there. I gotta. I gotta be.
Mike
This should. This needs to be how the superpower works. You have to walk up to the wall and knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Mr. Money, are you in there?
Jason
Okay, hold on. Let's cut. I do want to figure out a good use case essentially for this X ray vision. Where would it be actually valuable?
Mike
I mean, when you're in high pressure,
Jason
like war situations, which I don't find myself in.
Andy
You have an army and you don't find yourself in war?
Mike
I told you, I army takes care of that. Yeah, in the war.
Jason
No, no, but like in our normal real life, when do I need to see through stuff? When would it be helpful? I'll tell you one thing that would be really helpful for me.
Andy
There's some traffic around the corner.
Jason
There's genuinely helpful. I am so comically a scaredy cat. Like, my reactions are absurd. Just the over the top, you know, the videos. You'll be scrolling reels and you'll see scare videos where people have these ridiculous reactions. That's me. That's me. Every time.
Andy
If your wife just filmed those, you would have a popping Instagram channel.
Jason
Shut your mouth. Shut. Shut up. Yeah, but being able to know if someone is around a corner for me is literally just. I don't have to scream. I don't have to walk around the corner.
Mike
You would be an incredible Scarer yourself.
Jason
Oh, I know exactly when they're coming.
Mike
No, no, dude. Like the other day, we were in the office, I tried to get one of our employees, Schneider, I noticed.
Andy
Oh, you tried to scare him.
Jason
Yeah, like the light snuck behind the door.
Mike
He was like. He left his light off in his office. I was like, well, it's already dark. Okay, I'm gonna hide behind the door. Only he noticed that the door was slightly more ajar than when he had left. So I got totally busted.
Andy
But it's like, you would be a better criminal.
Mike
You would.
Andy
Because when you're being pursued, you'd know where everybody was at all times that are coming after You.
Jason
You know how easy it would be to win at hide and seek? I mean, on both. Both sides. Both sides. Because as the seeker, I'm going to find you immediately.
Andy
Is there professional hide and seek?
Jason
Yes, there is.
Andy
So you could win like, $1,000 a year on that.
Jason
More than that. I saw this.
Andy
You could see through the ground to see if Calichi's in there.
Jason
Yeah, that's right. I could see.
Mike
For a pool company, it's not. This is more dirt.
Jason
I refuse to find out that that
Andy
is not a real thing ever. Did you really dig footings, Al? Yeah, I did. And it's real caliche. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Jason
It's.
Andy
It's very difficult.
Mike
Is there anywhere where it is not existing in Arizona?
Andy
Yes.
Jason
No, no, no. But is there anywhere where they are going to go where it doesn't exist? Probably not. Yeah, exactly.
Andy
Are they stopping on purpose of inventing a machine to cut through this so they can keep hard dig costs?
Mike
But it's like they. They forget to bring that one. Oh, yeah, just bring that one.
Jason
You know, the pool. The major pool companies own that machine. They're not renting. They own that machine. They're just like, yeah, but I gotta. I gotta go back and get the other one.
Mike
I didn't. I didn't gas it up this morning.
Andy
All right, I got one more for you guys. Sienna from Twitter writes in. Would you rather have every song you hear for the rest of your life always be an absolute perfect match for your current mood?
Mike
Okay, that's good.
Andy
So that's kind of like your own, like, movie soundtrack or something, right?
Mike
Yeah, a little bit. Or just, you know, when you're upset, sometimes you want to. You're like, I got to get it out. I got to put the emo on or.
Andy
Oh, okay. So more.
Mike
Tonight will be the night. Sometimes you gotta do that, man.
Andy
You ever hear that? Come on. You're like, I didn't know I was in that mood. Or always. So that. So every song perfectly matches your mood, or every song always unlocks a forgotten memory or emotion from the past because there's nothing. Music is magic like that.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
It is incredible.
Andy
You will hear a song, an older song, and it will bring you back to where you were when you heard it or how old you were.
Jason
If you are young right now, let's say you're a teenager, you're talking to me.
Andy
Got it.
Jason
If you're a teenager, you don't understand this superpower yet, right?
Andy
Yeah, our parents understood it when we were young, and we thought they Were dumb.
Jason
It's incredible when you put on a song that transports you right back to your teenage years and you're like, oh, there's certain songs where I just remember, like the car I was in, the street I was on, the table I was sitting at, wherever.
Andy
The school dance I was at.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
You know, that type of stuff.
Jason
I mean, and it, and it doesn't happen that often, but when it happens, it is real, it is powerful, it is emotional. And if I could do that. Oh, if I could do that every single time I turn on any song, I can have some kind of great memory recalled. I mean, that's like one of the best questions we've ever heard of.
Andy
Now, Mike, if you had the ability to have a song match your perfect mood, and that's a station, let's say, right, you just flip that station on. Would you listen to that station all the time? Do you want it to match your mood a lot?
Mike
I do.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
But then it becomes a question of sometimes when you're scratching that itch, you know, I'm angry, I need some angry music. Do I stay.
Andy
You stay angry.
Mike
Do I stay angry or longer because I'm angry. But a banger comes on, I'm like, oh, yeah, this is. Gives good stuff. Feed the rage. And then I just end up in a loop.
Andy
What would be funny is if we each had a station and you could tune into the other person's station to see how. To see how they're doing.
Jason
How is Mike?
Mike
That would be nice.
Andy
Oh, don't talk to him today.
Mike
You're like, oh, he's actually, he's doing pretty good.
Andy
It's a beautiful morning. So which one are you going with? I'm going nostalgia.
Mike
Yeah, I'm taking the memories for sure.
Andy
We'll take a break and we got some more we'll move on to. That's a great question.
Mike
Today's show is brought to you by our friends at Gorton's Seafood. Gorton's seafood isn't new. It's been trusted since 1849. Their over 175 year legacy speaks for itself. When you're choosing dinner, you want to know it's worth it every time. Gorton's delivers uncompromising quality and reliable fresh taste. It's an easy, dependable choice that takes the stress out of mealtime. Gorton's products work for every occasion with a wide variety of products that'll make appetizers like coconut shrimp a breeze to more creative options like new taco tenders to shake things up. Effortlessly solve the snack, appetizer or main meal dilemma with one trusted brand. Fish sticks. Come on, people. Fish sticks are delicious. They're fantastic. And Gordon's makes the best ones. My wife loves the fish sandwich as well. It's just. It's great. It's a great product. It's delicious. Visit gortons.com to learn more, find a store and get recipe inspiration.
Andy
What's going on? Spit wads. Look. A thoughtfully built wardrobe comes down to pieces that mix well and last. And that's where Quint's shines. In fact, there were like three or four boxes from Quince sitting on our, like in our closet at home. And my wife had picked up premium fabrics considered design everyday essentials that feel effortless to wear and dependable even as the seasons change. Quince has the everyday essentials you'll love with the quality that lasts. My favorite, the lightweight cashmere sweater. So comfortable. It's perfect.
Mike
We.
Andy
We can't do more than a lightweight sweater here in Arizona.
Mike
We'll die.
Andy
It's. That's about. Lightweight is as big as we get. But look, it's. It's awesome. Comfortable, fits well. Versatile. It makes your wardrobe work. Right now go to quince.com spitballers for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to wear it and love it. And you will now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling. For clothes that don't last, go to Q U I n c e.com spitballers for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com spitballers.
Jason
That's a great question.
Andy
All right, we'll start here. Paul, from the website, you are the last person on Earth.
Mike
Okay, great.
Andy
Everything else on Earth is unchanged.
Jason
I just got up to here. Okay, great.
Mike
We did it. We did it, everybody.
Andy
We did it.
Jason
Solitude.
Andy
Yeah, this will be interesting. You're the last person on Earth. The Earth itself is unchanged. So all the stores are still there. Everything inside them remains unchanged. Everything on Earth just poof. Right. You're the last person. Would you want one person, you know, one person you know to be with you or every year, 10 random people spawn right next to you?
Jason
I have questions.
Andy
Yes, questions.
Jason
Okay. Every year, is it 10 more?
Andy
Yes.
Mike
Yes.
Jason
Oh, well, then that's the answer.
Andy
You want more because you're trying to repopulate. Are you trying to mate?
Jason
Well, yeah. I mean, a little bit. I mean, it's just. I care about.
Mike
He doesn't need to.
Jason
It's repopulating.
Mike
Ten people At a time, man cared
Jason
about humanity, about the human race biology,
Andy
cared about humanity on this spitballers before.
Jason
But I'm just saying, like, one.
Andy
I just like, I refer to him like he's a species. Are you looking to mate?
Mike
You got to save the Earth.
Andy
So every year, 10 random.
Jason
The first weekend, the first week when you are completely the last man on earth. Awesome. I agree with you, Mike. Just incredible. But that will.
Mike
It'll wear off quickly.
Jason
Wear off, and it will become so sad and depressing and lonely. And I think that if you had one other person with you, even if it's the person you're closest to you love the most, you're going to experience that same thing. It's not enough people to not become lonely. You'll become lonely together. And I think, sure, you know, every year having 10, 20, 30, 40, you know, people, 10 years from now, there's a hundred people. There's a little bit of life happening. More things can get done.
Andy
Some, you know, more than 100 people, maybe. Right. Because then you have, like, people making babies.
Jason
Sure.
Andy
So you are rehab. But you lose. You know, it's also anybody that you know.
Mike
It's 10 random people.
Andy
It is random.
Mike
And like, what are the odds?
Andy
Oh, yeah.
Mike
How many of those people you gonna
Andy
like, yeah, how many people out of 10 randos?
Mike
I think that's generous.
Andy
Do you go through the 10. Like, do you go through the 10 that spawn and you're like, all right, you. You're Nebraska.
Mike
I need you to settle over there.
Andy
Right?
Mike
Me and the cool people, right. We're in camp. Awesome.
Andy
It's funny because if I was the last person on Earth, the difference between knowing that this was going to happen and not knowing is everything. Like, if you knew that 10 people will spawn a year from now, you could go on. But if you. If you actually thought no one would ever. You, like, you're alone forever and you're like, do you. Are you going to want to live? Are you trying to live as long as you can?
Jason
No. That's a good. That is a legitimate question. If you are completely by yourself.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Forever. There is no one else there, and you know it, and you know it
Andy
and you know it.
Mike
We're still animals.
Jason
Sure. But would you. Would you strive for the longest life possible? Would you just feel like, I don't even want to. I don't even want to live.
Andy
That's. That is the.
Jason
Eventually, you just. So I don't know, what are you living for?
Mike
It's a great question.
Jason
Deep.
Andy
It is. I Mean, if you. But if you knew that there's a hope for somebody to show up.
Jason
You're right.
Andy
You would have a reason to live.
Jason
The knowledge is powerful. And. What? And I want to add something to this. So every year, 10 random people spawn right next to you. I want to start that first year with none.
Andy
Oh, you want a year off?
Jason
I want. Yeah, I know they're coming. So now I got something to live for.
Andy
Right.
Jason
But I get.
Andy
Oh, do you. Do you, like, spend the year building, like, houses for these people?
Jason
Houses already exist. I'm not.
Andy
That's true.
Jason
First of all, I'm not capable of building a house. So literally can't.
Mike
And five years.
Jason
Too much caliche.
Mike
Yeah, exactly.
Jason
They can have the pick of the litter.
Andy
Everything's here. Yeah.
Jason
I mean, we're all living in mansions,
Andy
you know, and they spawn on you, so you probably. In that year. You just need to get to the best place.
Jason
Yes.
Mike
Yeah. You need to get to the ocean.
Jason
We're hiking to. Oh, that's a good point.
Mike
You can't stay here. If there's no people, there's no power.
Andy
I like the idea of Jason all alone, trying to get to Hawaii by himself.
Jason
Oh, I'm sitting here thinking. I'm sitting here thinking. I gotta walk. Car still?
Mike
Yeah. You can still use a car.
Jason
I can get. Yeah, for sure. I'm going to the beach.
Andy
You can't get into a boat and get somewhere.
Jason
I can't get into a boat and get some.
Andy
Do you think you could, like.
Jason
By myself.
Andy
By yourself. Could you go. I mean, all the boats are abandoned. Could you find one and get to Hawaii?
Jason
No, no, no.
Andy
Hawaii. Because they could spawn on you. Then you got Hawaii to yourself. That would be ideal.
Jason
There is no.
Andy
Can you autopilot a boat, figure out
Jason
how to do that? There is no chance I could find Hawaii if you.
Andy
All these people spawn on him in the middle of nowhere on a boat.
Jason
If you gave me.
Mike
They all just missed the boat.
Andy
They all go straight in the water.
Jason
If you. Me. A billion dollars. One billion dollars.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
But by myself. I can't talk to any human for advice because.
Andy
On how to do it.
Jason
On how to do it. But I have a billion dollars. I can have any resource I want. But completely on my own, I will die before I ever find Hawaii. There's no chance in the world I could find a Hawaii.
Andy
Is it funny to you to think that this is what the world was? It was people leaving, purpose.
Mike
Find things so insane that psychopaths.
Andy
Right.
Mike
It's so like not only do they do that, but they're like.
Andy
And they leave their families.
Mike
Like, if I go that direction, am I eventually going to fall off of the planet? There's only one way to find out. Like, no, there's. We will never find that out. If I'm in charge.
Jason
They're like, don't worry. I'll come back. You. How can you get back. How do you know how to get back here?
Andy
I guess I'll take the 10 spawn. I feel like we're not defending our, like, significant others or something here, though. Like, you would want to be. You just want to ride it out with your.
Mike
I don't need 10 new people to hate every year.
Andy
Okay, so you're.
Jason
So you're taking.
Mike
Yes.
Andy
Is it.
Jason
No. That's the question. Is it the white?
Andy
Is it the white?
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
It'll be my wife.
Andy
All right, let's go here. Aaron from the website writes in your local wizard is back.
Jason
Oh, no.
Andy
And says that he can snap his fingers, and one of the following two things will happen. Your happy moments and memories will become happier, or your sad moments will become less sad. Which do you choose? And whatever you choose will happen for everyone else in the world.
Jason
Ooh, that last part makes it interesting. I think. I think.
Andy
I think.
Jason
I think I can. I think I. Sad moments are they way.
Andy
Do they weigh more?
Jason
I don't. I think that when you have sad moments, they teach you what happiness is. You know what I mean? Like, you don't know happy without sad. So I want my happier moments to be happier.
Andy
Some people have really sad moments.
Jason
Well, that was the part that made it go, oh, shoot, if I could take away the sad moments. The trauma.
Mike
You don't take them away. You're just making they're less sad.
Jason
Mitigating the trauma. Yes, man. So what's more important? Mitigating the trauma or upping the.
Andy
I mean, I've always said, like, you kind of look back, like, we all have kids that we had early days when they were born, and, you know, it's hard taking care of newborns and toddlers and stuff. But then, like, now, you kind of just don't really think about what was hard back then.
Jason
Right?
Andy
So, like, your. Your mind does this a little bit already. It already makes the sad less sad. Right.
Jason
Time heals all wounds.
Andy
Yeah. Okay.
Jason
There's a phrase for that.
Mike
That's fair. That's fair.
Andy
So, like, happier moments. Like, I remember happy moments with more clarity than sad moments.
Mike
Really?
Jason
I think I feel like most people remember. Maybe I remember Nothing losses more than wins, bad more than good. I think there's.
Andy
But my memory, like, whitewashes away the like, bad.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
I mean, if this was just me, if this is just me, it's an easy. I want to pick happy over sad. I don't feel like I've got a bunch of you yourself to experience that, because. No, I'm saying I don't. I don't have a lot of, like, sad trauma things that, you know, I wrestle with, but I know a lot of people do. And so it's like, it really depends on each person.
Andy
You got to make a choice, though, whatever you choose. I want the world to be happy.
Jason
I want the world to be happier and happier. So I'm going to choose the happy.
Andy
But Al, you're saying more happy for you?
Jason
Yeah, that's what I would choose as well.
Mike
Is the world happier if happier is magnified, or are they happier if sadness is mitigated? Oh, I think it's. I think it's the sadness. I think you mitigate the sadness of in the. Look, not a psychologist, not a doctor, but the. At least the studies I have seen have been like, what's more important to think positive or to think negative Less.
Andy
Right.
Mike
And the answer that I see the most is think negative less. Think negative less.
Andy
Okay. Mike convinced me. That's the way I'm gonna go.
Mike
So obviously I've heard that. Which makes it fact, right?
Andy
No, I mean, I haven't looked anything
Mike
up, but it sounds good.
Andy
Well, that. That one's heavy. This one's just as important.
Jason
Kate, for Page, according to Chad. GPT.
Mike
Oh, no.
Jason
You know, I just asked what's. What's more impactful?
Andy
What does a robot think?
Jason
Being happier or being less sad? Being less sad would be. Would have more impactful effect on humans overall than just being happy.
Mike
Here we go.
Andy
I mean, it kind. If you're less sad, you're also happier, right?
Jason
It is.
Andy
It is kind of a trick. But your future moments, though, you know what I mean? Future sad moments would be less sad versus future happy moments happier, too. Yeah, this one's way, way easier. Kate from Patreon, you'll be able to replace one finger on either hand with one of the following. Which do you choose? A refillable lighter. A 6 inch stainless steel blade.
Mike
Not retracted.
Andy
Just. It's no inches you're replacing.
Mike
I mean, you're full on, like Freddie or Edward scissor. Yes.
Andy
A rechargeable 2000 lumen flashlight.
Mike
How big is it?
Jason
Finger size?
Andy
Okay. Yeah.
Mike
All right.
Andy
A spork. So you got a utensil at all times or a sharpie that never goes dry.
Jason
All right, I'm down to 2.
Andy
Is. I'm guessing you're down to the blade, but I don't know the second one.
Jason
I don't want a six inch blade.
Mike
No, dude, that's unwieldy, man.
Jason
Is awful. That's gonna cause a lot of problems. It's also. It's way too big. It's not a finger sized knife. This is a six. I mean, just imagine one of your fingers was.
Andy
Would you go middle finger?
Jason
Yeah, I think so. I think it would be.
Andy
It's already your longest.
Jason
It would be like a wolverine claw at that point.
Andy
Right. Which hand dominant or dominant?
Jason
My right hand. Which is my stronger arm? I write with my left and I can't imagine writing. You know, if you can't write, which
Andy
is your stabbing hand?
Jason
Right, My right hand is my stabbing hand. So no, that one's out for me. I'm between the flashlight and the sharpie.
Mike
Okay, but if the sharpie. So that has to go.
Andy
Which finger is the sharpie?
Mike
It has to go on your writing hand and then what finger?
Andy
Yeah. Is it your point?
Mike
Can you, can you manage to write if it's your pinky?
Jason
I, I would, I would choose my left hand. That's my writing hand.
Andy
Yeah, not your stabbing hand.
Jason
Not my stabbing hand. And I would choose my middle finger because I think when I write, like, I can.
Andy
No, but like, if you were signing something with your. If you're. If you have a touchscreen, you sign with your middle finger.
Jason
I have before. I probably use dumb. When you do it, I probably use.
Andy
So you go middle finger.
Jason
I'm going middle finger.
Andy
Oh, you want the pointer?
Jason
I want my pointer. I use my pointer all the time.
Mike
You're gonna have to like, you have to grab it.
Jason
Yeah, that's what.
Mike
I'm gonna have to pinch it. Like it's a pencil.
Andy
You shouldn't have to grab it.
Mike
You can't just like stick one finger
Andy
out and it's a solid sharpie finger, man.
Mike
No, but I'm saying your handwriting, like, you're gonna be writing like, not with your wrist.
Andy
No, I'm good, man. So wait, are you considering. What are you considering besides the Sharpie?
Jason
The flashlight.
Mike
I think the flashlight's pretty good.
Jason
I mean. Yeah, my eyes are so bad. You know, you do have like a
Andy
phone in your pocket and like a watch that can do flashlight.
Mike
Oh, dude. I'm going. I'm going. Rechargeable. Flashlight. Because this thing is metal, right? Or is it just. Is this a flashlight?
Jason
Yeah, it's metal. It's a metal.
Andy
Perfect. Yeah.
Mike
Because I can still play my guitar now. I got a slide built into my hand. Okay.
Jason
Okay, Nice.
Andy
So you're going. Guitar hand is your guitar hand. Your stabbing hand.
Mike
No, my stab. No, my stabbing hand is my pick hand.
Jason
Okay, your pick hand.
Mike
So my left hand. My left hand.
Andy
Oh, the slide would get the.
Mike
Yeah, the fret hand.
Andy
So no one needs a refillable lighter. Are we in a post lighter society?
Jason
I think so. Because, like, I have a lighter and I have never needed to refill. I'm just saying, like, have you ever refilled a lighter? Like, we don't.
Mike
The only time I use a lighter at home is for when we're doing birthday cakes. When we're doing outdoor fire. No, the birthday cake. We got the electronic lighter.
Andy
Wait, what?
Jason
You don't know that.
Mike
It's like a. Basically like a little taser.
Andy
Almost works with the light birthday.
Mike
It has two metal prongs, and then you turn it on.
Andy
I've been using those long.
Mike
Oh, the barbecue lighter. Yeah, Ours is a. Ours is a rechargeable.
Jason
Cool.
Andy
It's like you're nodding over there. Is everybody got one of these cool things?
Jason
I do.
Andy
They're great.
Jason
You use them for, you know, you're lighting a candle.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
It's quick.
Mike
Yeah. Yeah.
Jason
They're good when camping too, because in the wind they still work great.
Andy
Well, I'll be darn. Can I have one of those?
Mike
Instead of a finger, you can have the flashlight or a.
Andy
No, honestly, that no one cares about the spork then.
Mike
I don't mean my hand is basically a spork.
Andy
Yeah, your hand is basically a spork. Well said.
Mike
It's nature spork.
Andy
And so the blade. No one wants the blade.
Mike
It's too big and too unwieldy.
Andy
I think if it was a blade the size of your middle finger, you'd choose it.
Mike
If you told me that it was like a Swiss army knife where my finger is regular, but I could flip a blade out of it. Okay, now we're on to something. Because it's safe.
Andy
You could sleep. Yeah, because right now, sleeping, you'd have to sheath it.
Mike
Anything, man. Like doomed.
Jason
Everything you do is ruined. If you have a six inch.
Andy
Do they not let you on a plane?
Jason
No, there's no way they let you on a plane.
Andy
Does Wolverine fly?
Jason
Well, he can attract him.
Andy
Oh, that's true.
Mike
No, but no he keeps his.
Andy
Edward Scissorhands ain't getting a whole plane.
Mike
His bones are grafted with metal. Yeah, he can fly in his own private Quinn jet.
Jason
No, he can. He can fly on. Yes, American Airlines, no problem.
Mike
No, he'll go through the metal detector.
Jason
I know. And it'll buzz and then they'll say, okay, and then they'll.
Andy
And he'll be all right.
Jason
He's got metal in his. You think people that have like, metal.
Andy
Oh, yeah. Metal hips and stuff like that?
Jason
Yeah. They can't fly because they can't remove their hips.
Mike
That's one tiny area. It's not your whole body.
Jason
Well, I've had a major surgery, Mike.
Mike
He did. He had a major surgery. Yeah.
Jason
I'm sorry. I've got Adamantium. You could strip. I mean, he might need a full.
Andy
Does Adamantium pick. I mean, you know, metal. Does that show up in the metal detector?
Jason
For sure it does, yeah.
Mike
It's the strongest of fake metals.
Jason
Of course it does, but I mean, you might.
Andy
Strongest of all fake metal that we've ever invented.
Jason
I think Unobtainium is a little bit stronger, but.
Mike
Get out of here.
Andy
And I hate that name so much.
Jason
Oh, it's the. It's when I remember the first time.
Andy
Can you obtain it?
Jason
No, I remember the first time I heard it obtainable. My eyes rolled into the back of
Mike
my skull like a full 360.
Jason
Is that Marvel?
Andy
Is that a marvel?
Jason
No, that's Avatar. It's like James Cameron. That's the best you could come up with? Yeah. See, look, it's Unobtainium.
Andy
Uses papyrus. Unobtainium.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
We are falling. We are falling. So, Mike, you're taking the flashlight?
Mike
Yeah, I go on flashlight.
Jason
I'm going flashlight as well.
Andy
Would you feel invincible with a blade?
Jason
No.
Andy
No. Me neither.
Mike
A flashlight is. How bright was it? If I had a nice 2000 lumen.
Andy
That.
Mike
That is really good self defense.
Jason
That's true.
Mike
Ain't nobody charged lines.
Jason
Your eyes light, man.
Andy
All right, 2000 lumen. Flashlight it is. Al, I think we're going to draft now. That work for you? Yeah. With Target, filling every basket with Easter magic has never been easier. That means fun and festive finds starting at just $3. From tasty favorite day treats to the softest Gigglescape plush toys. We've got everything you need to make their day. So find all the Easter basket goodies they'll love at Target.
Mike
Our HBCUs have a legacy that's straight up golden. And McDonald's is proud to help keep it that way. Since 2021, the Golden Arches has connected
Jason
with the Thurgood Marshall College fund to
Mike
provide $1 million in scholarships for students headed to our HBCUs. That kind of cash helps keep bright
Jason
minds on the yard dreams within reach and the future golden. Learn more about McDonald's Black and Positively
Mike
Golden Scholars Scholarships at mcdblackscholars.com.
Jason
The Spitballers draft.
Andy
All right. The man who got out of his own scat.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Gets the draft first. We are drafting the worst places to be stuck overnight. The worst places you'd have to spend the night. Where do you go with number one? There is a number one to me, really, that I hope you don't pick.
Jason
Well, I can't imagine I will. I mean, these are very
Andy
subjective.
Jason
Yeah. They're just, you know, there's. It's not like, what color do you want? This is any place in the world.
Andy
I did have a thought about this because while you're thinking about that pick, what is the worst part in your mind? And maybe this will be answered by our answers. But what is the worst part of being stuck someplace overnight? Is it the fear? Is it the potential fear of something happening? Is it the real danger?
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
I mean, is it, you know, what is it?
Mike
And comfort.
Jason
Yeah. I think all of those will apply. And sometimes there are multiple at once.
Andy
Okay. What are you going with?
Jason
This is somewhere I'm stuck overnight.
Andy
That's right. Spend the night someplace.
Jason
This is going to be very specific.
Mike
Okay.
Jason
But it really hits everything. I think you're afraid. I think there's real danger.
Mike
Okay.
Jason
I think you're very al.
Andy
I'm so afraid. This draft is about to go.
Jason
You're very, real bad. You're very uncomfortable. I am. I'm stuck on a. Upside down on a roller coaster.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
Oh, okay. You know what I mean?
Mike
Yeah, yeah, that's fine.
Jason
Sometimes that happens to people. It's like, oh, we'll be. We'll be back in the morning.
Andy
Wait, does that happen?
Jason
Yeah, it does sometimes.
Andy
We'll be back in the morning.
Jason
No, not in the morning. That.
Andy
But people we don't rescue at night.
Mike
People have been stuck on.
Jason
I can't see you. I don't have a flashlight on my finger.
Mike
I picked the knife upside. It was a bad choice.
Jason
I can cut you out, though.
Andy
That's a good answer.
Jason
Okay.
Andy
And I think that's the level of specificity we're in here.
Mike
Yeah, that's fine.
Jason
You get charged extra for a hard rescue.
Andy
Okay. You probably do. You probably. They have to Bring something special and you're paying for it on a line item. You want the Jaws of Life or the jaws of life 2.0. All right, I'm going with open ocean Tiny raft.
Jason
Oh, yeah.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
Open ocean. If I have to spend the night. I mean, you are in getting a
Jason
sick tan at the night.
Andy
What?
Mike
Well, that moon is crisping my body. I'm just saying, like, if I'm stuck out there, I'm trying to make the best of it. The night will turn into morning.
Jason
It's the night.
Mike
Yeah, I was thinking all day.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
No, man.
Mike
I guess it's an overnight draft.
Andy
It's not worth places to lay out in the sun. Open ocean Tiny raft is my first pick.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
That's just the scale and size of the ocean. There's nothing, I think, that can make you feel more.
Jason
A small boat in the ocean is.
Andy
Yeah. More vulnerable than that. So, Mike, you are up. You got two picks.
Mike
I'm going to go with a porta potty.
Jason
Yep.
Andy
Oh, that's a good pick.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Oh, that would suck.
Jason
Uncomfortable. Stinky. Yes.
Mike
The dollar amount to stay in a used porta potty.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Overnight.
Andy
What do you need? I mean, I'll go to the Doosers. What do you need?
Mike
Yeah, we got to go to Josh. Let's set the low water mark here.
Andy
One night in a very used porter potty.
Mike
$50.
Jason
You got to.
Andy
Would you try to sleep or just sit?
Jason
No, I try to sleep.
Andy
Make time go by faster. So in the Corner, how much?
Jason
3,000. I'm shocked. It's in the thousand.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
My number was 5k, so we're not too far.
Andy
Okay, Matt, what do you think?
Mike
I was gonna start at a thousand,
Jason
but there he is.
Mike
There's our guy. There's our guy.
Andy
There he is. Yeah, it's more for me.
Mike
So we're going with the porta potty.
Andy
That's a great pick.
Mike
And man, I got one. I don't know if it would come back or not. We're gonna go. I'm gonna go with a ski lift.
Jason
Ah, yeah.
Mike
Okay. It wasn't. It would not have come back.
Jason
It was. It's on my list. Yeah.
Andy
That would be terrible.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Very similar to mine.
Andy
It is like the roller coaster. The roller coaster.
Mike
One ski lift.
Andy
But you got the elements.
Mike
Well, not only do you have the elements, like, you're. You're stuck. You can't jump down if you want to. Like that's like a 20 foot drop. You're toast.
Andy
20ft into the snow. I might do.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
It might be higher, but 20ft?
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
I mean, you better hope that that's
Andy
like, you can't escape this situation.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
And it's got to spend the night there.
Mike
And it's gonna be very cold.
Andy
I like that. That's like the roller coaster. You're not upside down, but it's freezing.
Mike
I mean, upside down all night. Can you survive that?
Jason
No. No, you would not. You would not survive that.
Mike
No, you can't. I don't think so.
Andy
You said that very definitively. Did you try to do that?
Mike
I feel very confident. Overnight would be. That would be it.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
What, you just die of time being upside down?
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Blood in your head. Or if you survive, you're gonna have problems.
Andy
You look this up, but I'm gonna make a guess right here of how many hours you could survive upside down. I think you could do 16 to 18 hours.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
Upside down.
Mike
Purely upside down.
Andy
It's just a guess. I'll come back to you.
Mike
I was just gonna be like, you're fine. Yeah.
Andy
It's probably weeks.
Mike
Do you have food and water?
Andy
I think you could be. All right. He's having to search again. So he didn't get the answer he liked. Well, he's typing again.
Jason
What I'm seeing is because it's very short.
Mike
Oh.
Andy
Oh, really? Yeah.
Jason
Loss of consciousness in one to two minutes. Serious physical harm at about 10 to 15.
Andy
Oh, that's not true.
Jason
And fatality could be in 30 minutes.
Andy
That's what I. Where's that from, your butt chat?
Jason
GPT.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
You can hang upside down for more than two minutes to not. And not go unconscious.
Mike
Well, now I'm on it.
Andy
I've seen lots of roller coaster people stuck upside down, and they're all awake.
Jason
All right.
Mike
Are you up, Andy?
Andy
Yes, I'm up. All right. Jason took us. Or you took a ski left. I'm going to come back and I'm going to go with. Man, this is a weird one, because I don't think anyone's really stealing from each other very much.
Jason
So I'm going to go war zone, actually, so far.
Mike
Oh, war zone.
Andy
I'm going to war zone.
Jason
Oh, that's a good thing.
Andy
I mean, why. Why that? The fear of exploding. I mean, worst places to be stuck overnight.
Mike
Yeah, it'll be pretty bad going.
Andy
War zone.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Did you have something you discovered?
Jason
No. Everything I'm looking at is like, you don't try to sleep upside down is very dangerous. But okay.
Andy
Yeah, but I'm not gonna try to.
Jason
Yeah, yeah, No, I. Every single Thing prior to warzone had been on my list. So we, my list was shrinking. But war zone is a very, very good. I mean I don't understand. If you're like in a battlefield, obviously every single person there will have to sleep. You know, if you're in a five day battle, you're going to have to sleep. I've never understood how you do that.
Mike
I think you catch like tiny little pockets of sleep. I don't think you get a knight, you get a. Yeah, you get like a micro nap.
Jason
Not like a downtime, like hey, hey, time out. What do you say 6:00am Wake back
Mike
up, get back 10:00pm can we call this off until at least 7? Trying to get my eight hours here.
Jason
All right. Okay, so I've got two picks so far.
Andy
You've. You're spending the night upside down on a roller coaster. Which I am learning. You are dead.
Jason
Yes, yes. So I have died. That was the 101.
Andy
You have died. You have died quickly.
Jason
And you know that goes right into my next pick which is a cemetery.
Mike
Oh yeah, it's on my list.
Jason
I do not want to sleep in a. And of course this is a haunted cemetery.
Mike
Is there none?
Jason
Yeah, well there are some nice looking cemeteries. Like you go and it's like, well
Andy
that one, they don't haunt the nice ones.
Jason
I guess maybe at night. I've never been to a cemetery.
Mike
I feel like Jason the bougie ghost would be at the nicest cemetery you could find.
Jason
Exactly. But I know what I'm picking.
Andy
Hold on. You're saying when Jason is a ghost he will haunt a bougie cemetery?
Mike
Of course he will.
Jason
Yeah, for sure.
Mike
He'll be above ground crypt and that
Jason
is 100% above ground crypt. Yes.
Mike
A mausoleum.
Jason
Very good.
Andy
Yes, he's a mausoleum ghost.
Jason
I've started seeing.
Andy
He liked the finer things.
Jason
But that's not the pick. I'm picking a run down rickety couple of trees. That rickety? Yeah.
Mike
What in the cemetery is rickety?
Jason
Oh, the gate. This has a gate. A big metal wrought iron gate that says I gotcha flapping.
Mike
Yeah, that thing in the wind.
Andy
It's just got one of those wooden roller coasters on the property. Real rickety.
Jason
Okay. And I'm going to go with a place I hope I never have to sleep overnight. But you know, this is made to sleep overnight. This is a place specifically intended for sleeping.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
And it's a jail cell. I don't want to spend a night in a jail cell.
Andy
All right.
Jason
Not built for that Bougie Jason will not. I don't know if I survive for the night. I might have picked two deaths here on my list.
Andy
I have the open ocean and the war zone.
Jason
Is there not a bidet? What is this? What is this little toilet?
Mike
I'm trying to figure out what is the metal toilet. It's like he passed away of non bougieness.
Andy
All right?
Jason
He had to wipe his bottom.
Mike
Bed was a little too rough. He didn't make it through the night.
Andy
Oh, man.
Jason
To be fair, my death would probably come from the inmate. I'm not alone there.
Andy
Okay. All right, I'm going to follow up War zone with Top of a Mountain peak.
Mike
Okay.
Jason
I think pretty awesome.
Andy
There's no.
Mike
You're gonna have some.
Andy
No, no, no. All right, I'm changing.
Jason
No. What?
Andy
Top of Everest? No, no, no.
Mike
I could be specific. You upgraded it.
Andy
It's fine. Top of Mount Everest. How's that sound?
Jason
That's fine.
Andy
That's.
Jason
I mean, you can fall. Don't you sleep there when you.
Andy
Oh, people do and they die there. Lots of them.
Jason
Sure, yeah. No, I know.
Andy
Cold, falling, wind, exposure. I don't want to be there.
Jason
I don't know if you fall when you're asleep.
Andy
You could.
Jason
While you're sleeping.
Andy
You could. Yeah. You roll, man.
Mike
Is it considered falling?
Andy
If you roll off a cliff? It's considered falling.
Mike
Is it? Or did you roll off the cliff?
Andy
Yes, you're f. You're asleep and you roll and you. Yeah, and you go off the cliff
Jason
and you roll off the cliff.
Andy
You're asking if that's falling.
Jason
Did you fall down?
Andy
Well, no, that's not the same thing. The fall down. You fell. You died of a fall, right?
Mike
Yeah. Okay. No, when you say it that way, it sounds right. Yeah, but to say you fell off, you're like, well, what happened? He step up? No, he rolled off.
Andy
And his fall.
Jason
When you're laying down.
Mike
That's my point.
Andy
You never fallen off a bunk bed.
Jason
But are you on a bunk bed on Everest? This is what I'm talking about.
Mike
No, hold on.
Andy
You just said you can't fall while laying down. Please retort my objection.
Mike
You can even just say the couch. If you take a nap on a couch and you roll off.
Andy
I rolled right off a bunk bed
Mike
when I was a kid. Yeah, but you rolled off. You didn't fall off.
Jason
Mmm. You said it.
Mike
I caught.
Jason
You rolled off.
Andy
This is so.
Mike
You can't fall off.
Andy
It's the dumbest sidebar.
Mike
If you're laying down, you can't Fall.
Jason
Yeah. Official verdict.
Andy
You can't trip and fall. You can fall.
Jason
You can only fall off of something. You can't fall.
Andy
Yeah, you fall off. Yeah, you're right. You can only fall off of something.
Jason
All right, we got there.
Mike
All right, I'm up.
Andy
Maybe Porta Potty and a ski lift.
Mike
I'm going to go with a lion exhibit.
Jason
Ooh, that's.
Andy
That's not great.
Jason
Daniel.
Mike
I didn't say the. Dan, it's an exhibit.
Andy
So wait, you got to go spend the night in a lion's pin?
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
That sucks.
Jason
Yeah, that's a good pick. That is a good.
Andy
That sucks.
Mike
That's called.
Andy
It's funny because.
Mike
Not sleepy.
Andy
If you had just picked, like, the Sahara or something or like, oh, you're probably fine. Yeah. Or, you know, your odds of running into a lion are low.
Mike
Yes.
Jason
Lower than in the lion's den.
Andy
Lower than in a lion's. I just think that's a crafty pick.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
Well, thank you. All right, so we got that one. And then the.
Andy
Do they give up on life in a zoo, though?
Mike
Lions? Yeah, probably.
Andy
Are they just, like, not as aggressive?
Jason
Give up on hunting as much because they're fed giant stakes and people.
Mike
But in a group of lines, if. If there's a human in there, they gotta be like, dude, we can't pass up this opportunity.
Andy
Yeah. This guy's trying to sleep.
Mike
I was born to run.
Andy
This guy's trying to sleep.
Jason
Wrong human.
Andy
All right, I got one more. Porta Potty ski lift line exhibit.
Mike
So it's like. It's like Jason's, but I think, in my opinion, it's an upside down ski lift. No, no, no. I'm going abandoned hospital.
Andy
Yes. Okay. I had abandoned asylum on my list.
Mike
Yeah. Yeah. So same. Same concept.
Jason
I have Haunted Mansion.
Andy
Yeah, These are all.
Jason
Yeah. Yes. Disneyland.
Mike
I could handle that.
Andy
So abandoned hospital. Yeah, something. They're large and abandoned and dark.
Mike
They're large and you're alone.
Andy
It's creepy.
Mike
The walls have seen many things inside of the hospital.
Andy
That's a good one. I will.
Mike
Like the people in the cemetery. They were already that way when they got there, right?
Andy
Yeah. Okay. I will close out my draft with the Amazon rainforest.
Jason
Oh, you're dead.
Mike
Yeah. You're not making it.
Andy
Yeah. I needed to match Jason's instant death of the upside down roller coaster. If you find a spot in the rainforest, it will be wet, you will get bugs on you, and then you'll probably be dead by morning.
Jason
The amount of things that will crawl on you while you sleep is unfathomable. And that I don't care about. I don't. I literally think I care less about the panther of the jungle, you know, the monster that can come and just destroy me than I care about the bugs. The bugs in the rainforest. The amount of creepy, crawly they got Siafu there. I don't know what that is.
Mike
The ants.
Andy
That sounds like some sort of God that lives in the forest.
Mike
Oh, they're crazy ants.
Andy
And scrambles your body. Yeah. All right, so rainforest. That'd be a problem. Yeah. Apparently Papa Josh knows what those ants are.
Jason
Dude, those things are crazy.
Andy
What do they do?
Jason
They're like monster sized ants and they'll eat anything in their path.
Andy
Things are bigger there, right?
Mike
Like these things are.
Andy
Everything's been scaled up in the rainforest.
Mike
If you remember the. There's a scene in Indiana Jones, the Crystal Skull where there's ants involved. It's really, really bad cgi, but those are. That's what they're supposed to be.
Andy
Yeah. It doesn't sound good.
Jason
Okay, so I know what my last pick was. It wasn't on my list, but as we started talking and thinking and I was just like, there is the worst place for me. The worst place to sleep. I could not do it. I could not handle. Is very similar to my last pick, but totally different because at the cemetery I'm just. I'm sleeping on the ground.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
I'm by a tombstone.
Mike
It might be a nice cushy grass
Jason
maybe, but how about in a coffin?
Andy
Oh, no.
Mike
I thought about that.
Jason
Oh, my goodness. My claustrophobia would not. Like. I'm not. I don't consider myself as someone who has claustrophobia.
Andy
I think everybody has coughing. Claustrophobia.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
I mean, I couldn't do it. I couldn't.
Andy
That's universal.
Jason
You see, some people, like, you know, they all sleep three days, you know, in a buried coffin or whatever.
Andy
I think like, like for a Mr.
Jason
Beast did it or something. I don't think I could do that.
Andy
Don't hyperventilate. You'll die.
Jason
Forget underground. Buried.
Andy
Oh, just, just, just out that.
Jason
Just like I'm in a room. I'm. I'm in my room.
Andy
It's a coffin. On his regular bed.
Jason
On my bed.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
So it'll be so cushy.
Jason
Oh, man. But you. As soon as you put that lid on and I can't.
Mike
Then you. Then you close your lids. I can't see.
Jason
I can't see with my lids open. Mike. There's no light in There.
Andy
Let me ask you this as a sidebar because we just finished up Jason with the upside down roller coaster, cemetery, jail cell and coffin Mike with the porta potty ski lift line exhibit and abandoned hospital. I've got the open ocean, tiny raft, the war zone, the top of Mount Everest and the rainforest.
Mike
Could have just said open ocean quick. Way worse than open ocean.
Andy
That's fine.
Jason
Yeah, you got a boat if you
Mike
take the raft away. That's so much worse.
Andy
The sidebar here, though. If the requirement was you have to fall asleep and then you escape the place, which place could you not fall asleep?
Jason
The open ocean.
Andy
Oh, yeah. You can't fall without ask.
Mike
You could if you're in the raft. You. Oh, right.
Jason
No, I fall asleep very nicely on that.
Andy
Could you fall asleep in that cemetery if that was your way out of the cemetery?
Jason
Yeah, I could do it in the coffin as well. If that was my way out. I would just.
Andy
You knew that was your way out.
Jason
Yeah, it's really knowing that I have to stay overnight that I couldn't do it there.
Andy
The lion exhibit would be the hardest
Mike
one, mentally, that one in the zone.
Andy
If I fall asleep, I'm out of here. But if I. If I don't stay awake, you sleep with one eye open expression.
Jason
So I don't know what the truth is about the Amazon rainforest. I couldn't sleep. I could never fall asleep feeling something
Andy
crawl on me or hearing sounds of things crawling around you.
Jason
I think that I could overcome. I mean, I wouldn't like it, but I think I could overcome. But if I feel something on me, I'm going to slap it away or whatever. Like, I couldn't just sleep comfortably with something crawling on me. I couldn't do it. And so in my mind, I think that the rainforest is. The ground is moving.
Andy
Nobody took an elevator with Josh. As one of the worst.
Mike
I did have. I had elevator on my list.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
And then my one that I did.
Andy
You have some others on the list. Yeah.
Mike
Because if you're stuck there. So I assumed that in the morning people find you there.
Jason
Sure.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
I was like, your boss's office.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
Okay. Yeah. I had an airport Runway. Good luck trying to sleep with jet engines.
Andy
That's so ridiculous and funny.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
I had an abandoned mine shaft. Figured that would suck.
Jason
Oh, man.
Andy
Just a swamp where crocodiles are at
Mike
a wax museum because, you know, they come to life and just.
Andy
I mean, dumpster.
Mike
You're gonna keep thinking you see people.
Andy
Yeah, fair enough.
Jason
What did we learn today?
Andy
I've underestimated how long you can stay upside down. I really have, because I have heard the stories of people upside down. Like when they're doing a caving thing and they get stuck upside down and they have to rush to get them out.
Jason
Yes. They'll die.
Andy
Because they'll die. That's the key. The death.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Did you learn anything on today's show, Jason?
Jason
I learned I want an army.
Andy
Yeah. You were really into the army, I think it'd be. You've been wanting an army for longer than you've probably admitted.
Jason
I haven't wanted one until today, but now I know I actually would love to have an army.
Andy
Yeah. All right. Mike, did you.
Mike
We're moving on from lighters.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Lighters Society.
Andy
It's over.
Mike
Zippo. You had a good run.
Andy
Not enough fire?
Mike
No. Thank you, everybody. We'll see you next time. Goodbye.
Jason
Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com. And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.
Andy
Hey, everyone, Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?
Mike
Oh, no.
Andy
We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual Together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.
Jason
Yeah, the bird looks out of your league anyways.
Andy
Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.
Mike
Momento. Seno. Frecido porriquea encuentren supas interior ordenando surropa interior que organizar cada cajon se a
Andy
como una meditacion organisen y solucione en su castiario con un nuevo armario. Visit IKEA in quentra la manira de keto
Mike
IKEA Suenya simida.
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason
Episode: 325 (March 23, 2026)
This episode brings more of the Spitballers’ signature clean, family-friendly comedy as Andy, Mike, and Jason riff on life’s absurd hypotheticals, debate ridiculous “would you rather” scenarios, and finish with a draft of the absolute worst places to be stuck overnight. From the ongoing Arizona “caliche dirt” pool installation conspiracy to the practical (and wildly impractical) uses for dwarf armies and finger-implanted gadgets, the trio’s chemistry and zany debates make for another award-worthy installment.
A. 1,000 Loyal Dwarves vs. Free Necessities
B. Arizona Pool “Hard Dig” and Caliche Conspiracy
C. See Through—Literally vs. Figuratively
D. Perfect Mood Music vs. Instant Nostalgia
A. Last Person on Earth Variant
B. Wizard Powers: Happier Hapiness vs. Less Sad Sadness
C. Replace-a-Finger: Useful or Useless?
Draft Rules: Each host drafts locations in a snake order—objective: "Worst place to have to spend the night."
Standout Picks and Commentary:
Jason
Andy
Mike
Notable Honorable Mentions & Leftovers
Sidebar Highlights & Laugh-Out-Loud Moments
| Jason | Andy | Mike | |--------------------------------------------|-----------------------------|-------------------------------| | Upside down on a roller coaster | Open ocean, tiny raft | Porta potty | | Cemetery (haunted, rickety) | War zone | Ski lift | | Jail cell | Mount Everest (peak) | Lion exhibit | | Coffin (not even buried) | Amazon rainforest | Abandoned hospital |
Final laugh:
Tune in weekly for more drafts, wild questions, and the dad-joke Olympics.