
On today’s raucous episode we try to figure out how to ride dolphins, marvel at the wonders of the underwater flying penguin, play a brand new round of Guess Guess Goose and wrap things up with Things To Do When that Midlife Crisis Hits. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!
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Mike
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Spitballers Podcast Announcer
What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?
Jason
It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason squeed up. Beep bop beep, bro. I'm Satchbo.
Andy
Oh. The sign of any good impression is identifying yourself at the end.
Mike
You get halfway through.
Andy
You get halfway through it. And it was going great.
Mike
And then.
Andy
And then you're like, I better make sure they know.
Jason
Yeah. Who this is Tomahawk Dunk at the end.
Andy
Yeah, I'm Satchmo.
Jason
So, you know, I figured I don't have to do the scat ever again if I'm not the one that does it.
Mike
Okay.
Jason
You know what I'm saying? Your channel that was brought to you by Satchmo.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
Who knows? Scooby Doo might be the next one.
Discover Advertiser
I don't know.
Mike
I bet next week it's. It's Satchmo.
Jason
Yeah, I got a list of about one.
Andy
It's his thing. Welcome into the Spitballers, episode 298. Would you rather on today's show, Guess Guest Goose. Where someone, not yours truly, has to wear the goose honk. And then. Not that we would be familiar with any of the possible answers. A lot of research necessary for this, for this draft today. But we're going to draft things to do when your midlife crisis hits.
Jason
Yeah. After we established what we were gonna be. After we established what we were gonna be drafting, I bought some books.
Andy
Right.
Jason
Talked to, called up some old people.
Andy
No, you definitely didn't just like go in your browser history for the last two years.
Jason
Yeah, not me. What? Midlife crisis.
Andy
So that's what we're drafting. That should be entertaining. I'm looking forward to it. You can find us on x PitballersPod. You can leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts or on Spotify. We appreciate it. Actually. The best way you can help the show leave us that review, make sure you're following the episodes and tell your family and friends about the podcast.
Jason
I find that humor is more fun shared.
Andy
Find your sickest friends and then prescribe them.
Mike
I see.
Andy
Because of the medicine.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Yeah, it's the best.
Mike
That's what they say.
Andy
All right, moving on. Would you rather question from the website Uriah writes in. Would you rather have no sense of time or no sense of direction? So help me take those to the extreme because, I mean, we all know a moment in, in your day to day life where maybe you lose track of time and you all know a moment where you get lost. But take them to their nth degree here because.
Jason
Yeah, I mean, I feel like we gotta deal with the elephant in the room here, which is navigation. Right?
Mike
Like, like, sure, yeah.
Andy
That is what popped into my head.
Jason
Most of the people that I know. And this blows my, this, this shocks me because I know this does not apply to you two gentlemen and I feel like it should apply to absolutely no adult in the world. But when I have polled people around me, their sense of which direction is north or south or east or west, they have no idea. And I'm like, how are you a grown up? How do you not know which direction you're going right now? First of all, just by, I don't know, living enough years to know. Oh yeah, when I go that way, I'm going east or west. But also you can look at the sun like you don't even have to. I can go, I can go to Nebraska.
Andy
Don't stare at the sun, kids.
Jason
No, no, no, don't stare at the sun. But if I go tells you, it just tells you which direction you're heading. So. But all of them are fine because of navigation. Because getting somewhere, finding their way to somewhere has nothing to do with sense of direction. You don't need it anymore, do you?
Andy
If you didn't have a sense of direction, Are you getting lost in your own house here? Are you, like, probably when you get to the office, you do get turned around in your own house.
Mike
I mean, you might be okay for the most part in your house, but if you're, you know, just a larger place, like you go to a museum, you go to the state fair, you're. You're not gonna be able to find anything.
Jason
Mm, Repeatedly. Walmart, Costco.
Mike
Yeah, yeah, there you go.
Andy
A theme park becomes an impossibility. I mean, you are.
Jason
You better be handcuffed to your kids, you know what I mean? Because you won't find your way back to them.
Andy
Yeah, that would be a nightmare. And the no sense of time. I mean, I don't want to get too deep here, but if you have no idea about the passage of time, does anything exist at all?
Jason
Or do you.
Al
Or.
Mike
Well, it's just like, you're going to be late for stuff.
Jason
Alternatively, do you just stay young?
Andy
I guess it doesn't mean you have amnesia.
Jason
Well, I'm just saying, this just means
Andy
you don't know how much time.
Jason
We're talking about midlife crisis here. If you have no concept of time.
Al
Yeah.
Andy
You're not old, you're not young.
Jason
You're 10 years old.
Mike
You still know that at nighttime, you're going to go to sleep and you'll wake up, be like, I. I don't know how long I slept.
Andy
This is a difficult question to answer.
Jason
Yeah. I mean, the truth is, in context to this question, it just means, like, you are an idiot with directions or an idiot with time. You're always running late.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
You're always. You're always behind the eight ball.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Or so you're always.
Jason
You're always getting lost.
Mike
Yeah. You're always.
Al
Yeah.
Mike
You're either getting lost. Need to constantly ask for directions, or you're setting, like, a million timers for yourself and trying to remember what they all mean.
Andy
If you get lost, you're also going to be late.
Jason
I was going to say one of these is both of these. One of these is always both of these.
Andy
Yeah. So I got to go with the no sense of time.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
You'll be late. But you drove straight there.
Andy
I did.
Mike
Which is more embarrassing, like.
Jason
Well, I think it's more embarrassing to drive straight there and be late, because if you think about it this way, you really did if you show up somewhere late, what do you do? You make an excuse.
Andy
Oh, yeah, I took the wrong turn.
Jason
You give the reason why you're late. You don't say, oh man, I came straight here. Sorry I'm late. It's like, oh, my bad. I didn't care enough to leave on time, so that's why I'm late. Which is probably the truth half the time, man.
Andy
Yeah, I guess I'll just go. I'd rather have no sense of time. That might let me enjoy things. I'm an impatient person. That might let me like enjoy things more often because I'm just, I'm just in the moment.
Jason
I think there is a freedom to not having time ruling your life. So I will take that as well.
Andy
The freedom to being late.
Mike
I think it's more embarrassing to not be able to do directions though. Okay, so as a man, I'm a man. I know where north is.
Jason
You don't need to stop and ask for directions.
Andy
Skip from Patreon. Would you rather always have to refer to your mother in law? Oh, gosh. Oh, dear goodness. Would you always have to refer refer to your mother in law as Babe or your father in law as Tubby?
Mike
Wow,
Andy
Tubby.
Jason
Yeah. That was quick. That was easy.
Andy
Yeah, man. I've done the babe thing with friends like once or twice. I've done the babe thing with my own mother one time because I'm so used to calling my wife.
Mike
That's what I call my wife.
Andy
I call my wife Babe. I say, hey, babe, come here. And I've had a couple of times. You know, you do that for so many years and then you suddenly you're running an errand with your mother and it's like, babe, come over here. Oh, gosh.
Mike
Yep. Well, I'll see you never again. Yeah, it's like, but this is where I say goodbye.
Jason
Doesn't it become normalized if that's always like, hey, babe, you know what I mean? I'm showing up and my mother in law, hey, babe, looking good. No, it's a compliment. Versus hey, tubby. You looking bad, gramps. Why don't you go lose some weight, tubbs?
Mike
Well, you're not doing that. You're just always calling him Tubby.
Jason
Insinuated. Yeah, one of these is.
Mike
But you don't have to elaborate on it.
Andy
Tubby is not. I guess there's Tubby Tuberville.
Mike
Right?
Andy
I was trying to think if there's ever a name of somebody where it's like, tubby is a good.
Mike
Well, Tubby Was the name of the character that I would always draw growing up.
Andy
Tubby.
Jason
Yeah, that's what most people were thinking.
Andy
Not babe.
Mike
No, tubby.
Jason
Tubby means you're fat. I mean, let's just. Let's pull the band aid off. It is a negative if someone calls you tubby. Y' all know you like them snacks. Snack count at 100, Tubby.
Andy
Oh, man. If your father in law is not good spirited, you're about to get your butt kicked over and over again.
Mike
Possibly as long as they got that old man strength.
Andy
Yeah. There's a chance you run into the wrong father in law. Where to Jason's point, if you call your mother in law babe in a funny way, it's also awful. I don't want to do either of these.
Jason
Yeah, well, the father in law comes could get upset at that.
Andy
Oh, yeah, the father in law's get up.
Jason
Who you call him babe.
Mike
So this, it's a little off topic, but I just was reminded of it because it's about this character I draw. No, no, no, no. It's about old man strength. And like the idea of that guys, as they get older, like there's just this weird. They get strong. And then I thought, well, you know, why is that? Because it's obviously the opposite of what you think of. You get older, you actually get weaker and well, back in the day, you would have guys doing intensive labor jobs.
Andy
Yes, yes. In the coal mines. Carpenter, building concrete, whatever.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
Construction for 40 years.
Andy
Carpenter.
Mike
And then push ups and it's like podcasting. Yeah, no, that's exactly where it went of like. Wait, I'm not.
Andy
You're not gonna get old man strength.
Mike
I'm not gonna get old man's strength, am I?
Andy
No, you old man strength. You, strength have it. There's a way to tell if somebody has it. Look at the hands and look at their working man hands.
Jason
No, no, this is a real thing. We.
Andy
Yes, that is it.
Mike
I don't think we're getting old man.
Andy
You have to be grizzled.
Jason
I'm telling you, you already have old man strength. I'm telling you, if you go up.
Andy
But that's another problem for the draft.
Jason
If you go up against a 20 year old and you just want to push each other. Okay, he's not moving you.
Andy
Okay?
Jason
You're moving him. That old man strength comes with a little bit of.
Andy
That's not for all of us, tubby.
Jason
But you're just calling me that drawing Mike used to do is that we. Yeah. What a term of Endearment.
Andy
I think you. Yeah, I get it. I mean, it was a reflection, at least how I think of it. It was like the mechanic did mechanic stuff. I don't. 40 years. And now they're just.
Mike
I don't think I'm getting it. I don't think I'm getting old man strength.
Andy
You're not gonna.
Mike
No.
Jason
So you're in the.
Andy
Does your son in law can call you tubby?
Mike
Well, it would be accurate at this point.
Jason
Will the next generation refer to old man strength as like a weakness? Like, oh, you don't want old man strength. They have none.
Andy
Why?
Jason
Their weak podcasting arms can't lift my baby.
Mike
Yeah, yeah, I'm worried about it.
Andy
I'm going to call the father in law, Tubby and hope he's a podcaster.
Jason
I'm going to call the mother in law babe and have fun. I think I can make it into a nice term of endearment.
Andy
That isn't until she falls for you.
Jason
Creepy. Well, I mean, that had to have happened the day she met me.
Mike
Okay, go to the side of the spouse. Would your wife rather hear you call her mother babe?
Andy
Right.
Mike
Or your dad?
Andy
Jason's probably rather.
Jason
I'm pretty confident she'd rather me call her mother.
Andy
One is directly mean and denigrating and the other can be spun in a humorous way.
Jason
And let's be honest, we are now past our own midlife crisis age. I hope, I pray. And so that means you're right in
Mike
the middle of that.
Jason
Our in laws. Please tell me I'm past it. Our in laws are. You know, I don't think this is. You know, when you call them babe. I don't think there's mixed signals here. You know, they're an age where it's just nice. It's just a.
Andy
You might have to explain yourself in a few public settings. Maybe she's my mother in law.
Mike
That doesn't make it better.
Andy
No. What is your final.
Jason
She's a babe.
Mike
Chubby.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
I poke the bear.
Jason
Two tubbies and a babe.
Andy
Two tubbies and a babe. All right, Cody from Patreon, would you rather wake up tomorrow and have your kids be infants again or have your kids be 20 years older? Oh, man, you're gonna get me here.
Mike
Oh, what, sentimental man? Yeah, 20 years older. Easy, easy.
Jason
He's like, I can't wait. If I could push a button now to skip 20 years.
Mike
Easy.
Andy
You don't want to go back.
Mike
No, no, I do.
Andy
Remember, man, here's why people have more than one kid. Is they romanticize because they make mistakes.
Jason
This is really tough because.
Mike
No, it's so easy, man.
Jason
It's tough for Andy and I. This is one of those, like, there is something really great about, I mean, obviously going back to infants. I don't want an infant. I love a baby. I don't want to have to change diapers anymore, whatever. But if you're telling me I got to relive and re. Experience the three year old, the four year old, the six year old, you know, those ages are so magical. The problem is I don't get to go back in age in this now I'm older and have to deal with.
Mike
Your kid has the old dad.
Jason
Right.
Mike
We all knew someone who had the old dad, and it was weird.
Andy
If my son became 20 years older today, he'd be five years younger than me.
Jason
Maybe you could do things together.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Take naps in the afternoon.
Mike
Sounds like I got a best friend that.
Andy
I mean, I'm just, I'm teasing it out because that is enticing to like.
Jason
But aren't you also. I mean, you. You are factually taking 20 years of your children's life away.
Andy
Yeah, they're.
Jason
They don't get to live to 120. Now you're just subtracting two decades of their experience.
Andy
Well, let's just hypothetically then it would detract three decades. You're in a coma. They live a nice 20 years and then you come out of it and they've. So for your intents and purposes, they. That would be better to enjoy their life.
Jason
That would be better because, I mean, this is basically saying I don't get grandchildren if I pick that one.
Andy
Right. Whereas if you're in a coma.
Jason
Right. They're going to have to find love, you know, in their.
Mike
Right.
Jason
Yeah, yeah. You know, you'll. I'm not saying it's impossible to get grandchildren. I'm saying there's a good chance not going to work out. Just do the math.
Andy
20 years, I mean, you're probably okay.
Mike
Yeah, you'll be fine.
Jason
I mean, it just depends on how they've aged.
Mike
You know, I think even at regular childbearing, like age, the average age that Americans are having kids, I think you'd still be fine.
Andy
One more caveat before I make you pick your final answer, which is, I already picked bro.
Jason
He's like, there's nothing that could change me here.
Andy
If they go back to being infants again, you do get to redo all this stuff. You screwed up as a parent.
Jason
I didn't Screw anything up. All right, last caveat here before we pick. We're going to change this to would you rather have your kids wake up tomorrow like they are, or have your kids be 20 years older? Mike, go.
Mike
Let's see, like they are right now.
Jason
Yeah, like nothing changes. Or you could skip 20 years.
Andy
Like, basically. Do you want to be in a coma? Because we can do this for you. So.
Mike
And we're. This is like the assumption that they're 20 years older. So they have. They have self reliance. Oh, absolutely.
Jason
They've moved out.
Mike
I get my house, you get your house. Wait, what's the downside?
Jason
All right, back to the original question. I'm taking it. I'm taking the infants.
Andy
I'm doing it too. I'm going to go. I'm reliving it.
Mike
Weirdo. Old dads enjoy it. Enjoy all the new mistakes you get to make.
Andy
All right, Al, how are you today?
Al
Doing great.
Andy
What's your answer for that one?
Al
I'm going to have to go back to infant stages.
Andy
Yeah, yeah. He's sentimental like me. We have time for another.
Al
Would you rather I just have one Mike?
Andy
So it's a little.
Al
It's a little less task.
Jason
Yeah, yeah.
Mike
Your single child will have his own issues. Yeah.
Jason
You took a lazy way out, man.
Andy
Yeah, These are, you know, Papa Josh.
Mike
Do I at least have someone who's. Who's willing to admit it?
Jason
My kids are getting older, man. I'm kind of missing the younger days.
Mike
Oh, man. You guys just don't remember. Here's the problem. I'm the only one in this room who actually has a good memory. I remember all of it. It's terrible. There's some good stuff. So much terrible.
Jason
Oh, my gosh. All right, so you're saying we're just having nostalgic viewpoints? We only remember the good.
Mike
You know, you can't go back home. You know that phrase? That's what they're talking about.
Jason
And then we got the falcon inducers alley, where if he skipped 20 years, he'd just have 8 year olds. So cool, man.
Andy
All right, are we. We got time for one more? Are we moving on?
Al
Yeah, let's do one more.
Andy
All right, Dahlia, from the website, would you rather have to try and saddle and ride a dolphin or saddle and ride a bull? Ooh, this is like, do I have to find the dolphin or is it brought to me?
Jason
You got to be in a tank.
Al
Yeah, it's in a tank.
Andy
I'm in a tank. I just got to get a hold of it.
Jason
Yeah, you're not finding a bull out in the wild either. You're in a rodeo pin. It's just like.
Andy
Well, I'm thinking, like, the one thing I know about dolphins from my vast research, like, if I have a bucket of fish, they're going to come hang out with me. But I don't know how I get a bull to hang out with me. Like, a bucket of. What does a bull eat?
Mike
Grass.
Andy
I mean, I just don't feel like you see bulls coming over to you because you hold out some grass. And my number one priority here is how do I get on this thing?
Jason
If we really have to be the one to saddle them, there's. I mean, well, we're not going to do either, but I would not have the courage to even attempt a bull like dolphin. I can be convinced that I can befriend this and over enough time.
Andy
Intelligence.
Jason
Yeah, there's intelligence. They'll know I'm a friend. We will become besties, and then maybe someday they will let me harness its swimming power. But a bull, I won't walk near it. I won't be its friend, because I am afraid of being its skewer by being gored. Yes.
Andy
Only one animal can gore you in
Mike
this example, but a dolphin. What if a dolphin's like, sweet. You ready to go 50ft under the water?
Andy
That's true.
Jason
But the thing. I'm not, like, strapped into this saddle, am I? Like, walk.
Andy
You've got your feet.
Jason
I got a seatbelt.
Andy
You got the feet in stirrups? Yeah. You're in the stirrups.
Jason
Okay. But I can take my.
Andy
You could get out, but you might be 50ft down by the time you get them off. Now, let me ask a question, because Papa Josh trained dolphins. This is not a lie. He is really old. He's lived five, six, seven midlife crises. Now, Papa Josh, have you ever saddled or seen a dolphin saddled?
Jason
No.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
I have ridden a dolphin, though.
Andy
Just.
Jason
Do you bare back?
Andy
Do you just hold on to the fin?
Jason
Yep.
Andy
How fast? How'd that go?
Jason
I love that he started nodding as well. Again, this is an audio podcast. You got to use your words.
Andy
So that would be a yes on the fin. How did it go?
Jason
Very cool and fast.
Andy
Did it. Did it ever try to submerge?
Jason
Yeah, I've been under. I've, like, been pushed underwater by him, too. Superman style. Neat.
Andy
Oh, like where you put the. You put your feet on there on their.
Mike
Flying through the water.
Jason
No one's friends with a bull.
Mike
Yeah, but how Cool. Would you be if you.
Jason
If, like, your horse was a bull?
Andy
Imagine Paul Bunyan, a Western where three dudes roll up on their horses and one dude's rolling up on their bull.
Jason
Dude, that would be amazing.
Mike
I would be scared of. Oh, for sure. That's Tubby over there.
Jason
Well, that's the king. I mean, you go back in time, you redo any old Western. Any great old Western, like the Three Amigos, and one of them has a bull, that's the king.
Andy
Real talk, real question. Okay, why can't we tame all of them? Why are some animals untameable?
Jason
Like a zebra. Like a zebra is a horse. But you can't tame a zebra.
Andy
Can you not?
Jason
No, zebras can't be tame.
Andy
Or, like, why can't we, like, you know, ride a lion, you know, or a wolf? Why can't we ride a big wolf?
Mike
Well, we turned them into dogs. You can't tame a zebra.
Jason
Where does this come from?
Andy
I don't think you can tame a zebra.
Jason
This comes from the back of my noggin. And I'm pretty sure it's right because I've.
Mike
Where have you heard this?
Andy
Here's the results. Zebras can be trained and hybridized.
Jason
No, they can't.
Andy
But they have never been domesticated.
Jason
Yeah, they're not domesticated animals.
Andy
Unpredictable, aggressive, and strong territorial streaks, making them difficult to train and difficult to shadow.
Jason
Yeah, I mean, it's a somewhat known thing.
Andy
No, you're right.
Mike
Yeah. I've never heard this in my life.
Andy
Listen, we, as human beings, we saddle and ride everything we can. We've already accomplished the saddle and ride of all things. We've tried camels.
Jason
Check. Elephants, Check. Horses, Check. Zebras? Didn't work.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Did not work.
Andy
Yeah. I mean, I think a few people might have got it done, but.
Jason
Yeah, but I mean, you don't have zebra rides at the.
Andy
No.
Jason
And you never will, Mike.
Andy
Yeah, that's right.
Jason
They're ornery, they're aggressive, They're. They're so upset about these stripes. They are. They feel like they're in prison.
Mike
Then why am I watching a video of people racing on zebras right now?
Jason
Because AI can do anything.
Mike
This is not AI.
Andy
There's outliers. Now, listen, if I was a zebra and I was trying to hide in the bush and I looked like a referee from a football game, I'd be pretty pissed, too.
Jason
All right, when I say, do people ride zebras? While some people have ridden zebras in the past, zebras are not typically ridden because they are not domesticated and have not evolved to support the weight of a human rider.
Andy
Yeah. That's the biggest zebra. I am a bunch of people on zebras at Churchill Downs. Flying down the back. Oh, and one guy gets tossed.
Jason
Yeah. Because that's the point.
Andy
This is going horribly. They're all tossed from these zebras.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
This is what we do as people.
Jason
I'm not saying you can't do. Do stupid things.
Andy
Right.
Jason
You can try to ride a dolphin,
Andy
a hippo or a rhino.
Jason
Yeah, go for it, man. See how that hippos gonna love you.
Andy
Yeah. Yeah. Just because we can doesn't mean we should.
Jason
What animal that is not currently saddled would you wish to ride the most?
Andy
I mean, the rhino is right there with the horn.
Jason
Yeah, see, I'm going. I'm going to your. I'm going to your lion. I'm going to the king of the jungle. I mean, because I can jump. Your rhino's not jumping.
Andy
Yeah, the lion would be cool. I'm not going to argue.
Mike
I think the problem with the line is just. But if we're doing the way that it runs, I don't know that it's going to work out for you.
Andy
If you're on the lion and I'm on the rhino and we're doing like old school, you know, we're going to run at each other with. And battle. I'm going to win.
Jason
Yeah, I believe that. I believe that. And then I hope you'll be skewered. Hope Mike chooses some kind of bird.
Andy
Zebra.
Mike
If there was a bird that you could actually.
Andy
You want to ride. They ride ostriches, don't they?
Mike
They can't fly. That's all I know.
Jason
We didn't say anything about flying.
Andy
Is that a bird with an asterisk? Is that what an ostrich is?
Jason
Yeah, yeah, that's a bird. Wink.
Andy
You know how.
Mike
Yeah. Why do we have. Why do we have like an ostrich and an emu and they can't fly? That would be terrible. When you go to the bird meetings,
Andy
it would suck if you were them. And you show up and you're like, my wings are bigger than all yours combined and I can't get off the ground.
Mike
You're like, I run really fast. Like, that's. That's cool. See ya.
Andy
That's why they stick their heads straight
Mike
in the ground, man.
Jason
Which they don't.
Mike
I can't see you flying also.
Andy
That's right.
Jason
I think a prerequisite.
Mike
Watch this Blanc.
Jason
A prerequisite for being a bird should Be flight. If you can't fly, you shouldn't be allowed to be in the bird club. And I just googled, can penguins fly?
Mike
Oh, they cannot.
Jason
Oh, no, they can.
Andy
You had to Google that.
Jason
They can. If you have the stupidest answer of all time, which is penguins can't fly through the air, but they can fly underwater. No, they can't.
Andy
That's not flying.
Jason
That's called swimming. We got a word for that. We got a word for that, Google AI, called swimming. They could swim fast. That doesn't. Michael Phelps can't fly. Well, Michael, he can't fly through the air, but he can fly in the water.
Mike
I got a submarine. It's a flying submarine.
Jason
Exactly.
Andy
The birds of prey, those great whites. All right, we'll take a break. We'll come back with some guest guest. Goose.
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Jason
What time is it? Game time.
Andy
I think that's the first time I've watched that drop on video. How'd it look ever? It looked great.
Jason
What do you think? I still haven't watched it.
Andy
Gas, gas. Goose time now. Mike. Mike it is. Finally.
Mike
Yeah, no, I got it.
Andy
I mean, I've been down this road, brother.
Mike
How does it work? Well, you just put it on your
Andy
chin, you wear it like a hat, and you strap it under your chin and.
Jason
And you look like a goose.
Andy
Yeah, it's great. It's really great.
Mike
Is this gonna fit on my gigantic.
Andy
I don't know if you can strap it in.
Jason
Those goose legs look like they are about to break it to the limit.
Andy
You might need to leave those dangling.
Mike
Oh, that's real scratchy.
Andy
Yeah, you can let them dangle.
Mike
I don't know if it'll stay on.
Jason
It won't Stay on.
Mike
Okay, we're good.
Andy
So Mike, for those listening at home, looks ridiculous.
Jason
It's got a goose on his head or ridiculous?
Andy
No, it's a goose. All right, Al, explain how this game works.
Jason
Ridiculous.
Andy
We are doing guest. Guest goose.
Al
Yes, sir. We pulled a bunch of people and we got the correct answer. If you. All right.
Jason
I didn't know I was gonna have to talk today.
Andy
Wanna try again?
Al
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Jason
You're gonna be trying to guess the
Al
percentage of people that said, nope, I
Jason
don't want to try again.
Mike
I got you.
Jason
Oh, this is great. No, no, no. The best part is there's no editing allowed. There is no editing allowed. We love you. All right, let's go to the doosers cam here.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
And let's. Third time's the try. How does this game go?
Al
We're just going to go straight to the scoring 3 points if you guess the correct answer, 2 points if you are within 5% in each direction, and 1 point to the other people who are guessing higher or lower than what the guesser guessing.
Jason
The docers cam is so great right now because you have two people that are so happy. It's unbelievable. I've never seen these two producers look so happy.
Andy
Honestly, I think it's five of the six in the room that are pretty happy right now.
Jason
Oh, I'm good. All right, so to clarify, you pulled some people and people said what they believe. The average number of whatever this question is going to be is. We found out what the average is. We're going to guess what that average is. One of us. And then the other people are going to have to guess higher up.
Al
Just let us play.
Andy
Let's play and follow along.
Al
That's literally exactly what I said.
Andy
All right. Am I reading this?
Al
Yes, sir.
Andy
Okay. And this is for me to guess. And you guys can decide higher or lower based on the.
Mike
Oh, this is a great question.
Al
Jason and Mike will be guessing higher or lower. Andy will be guessing a percentage.
Andy
How?
Mike
Where?
Andy
Here it goes. What percentage of people prefer to use the big spoon instead of the small spoon while eating breakfast cereal?
Mike
We've been here before.
Jason
I mean, how. What percentage of people are stupid?
Andy
So this has been a famous discussion point on the show where some of us are more evolved. And then there's these two.
Jason
You're team small spoon, too. Yes. Yeah. Good man, Mike.
Mike
Yes. Because I'm not a Neanderthal.
Andy
The vitriol that has hit social media. What percentage of people use the big spoon instead of the small when eating breakfast cereal? I'M going to say that number is 65%. Use the big spoon.
Mike
Oh, that's a good. That's a good answer.
Andy
65%.
Mike
Because I think we did find out that more people use the big spoon.
Andy
And just to clarify the rules, if I get within 5% in either direction. In either direction, I get two points. Two points. And if. And then they get one point if they guess higher or lower.
Al
Yep. And if you nail it right on the head, you get three points.
Mike
Okay.
Jason
Has that ever happened?
Al
Yeah, you did. One time.
Jason
Oh, man. Good job.
Mike
So, big spoon. You're setting the line at 65%.
Andy
I think 65% of people use the big spoon. And then the other 35.
Mike
Are you guys all right?
Jason
I got mine locked in my.
Mike
The problem is I have my. My morals and my principles versus the truth versus what the truth might be. I'm going to go.
Jason
I'm going to go higher, and I will take lower. I trust the people.
Al
The correct answer is 47%.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
Okay. Team little spoon.
Jason
Yeah. That means the majority of people are using the little spoon. They're using the correct spoon. I'm just using the spoon.
Mike
Stop calling it the little spoon.
Andy
There is some variability between what the big spoon is in the set and the small spoon is in the set.
Jason
That's like five guys calling it a little cheeseburger. It's just a full size cheeseburger. You calling it a little cheese? It's just a spoon.
Mike
Yeah, exactly. I don't have a little spoon. I have a spoon and I have a big spoon.
Jason
Yeah, a little spoon is like a teaspoon. I don't use that.
Andy
I hate y'. All.
Jason
All right, Mike, you're up.
Mike
So, okay, I'm up with Jason.
Al
Got one point there. Nothing for Andy and Mike.
Mike
All right, my question is, what percentage of people have used sporks more than 10 times.
Andy
Wow.
Mike
In their lives?
Andy
10 times.
Mike
That's a lot of sporking.
Andy
We're a spork house. We have sporks.
Mike
Sporks are great.
Andy
They come in handy when you're, like, having a birthday party and you run out of the regular utensils.
Jason
All right, I know the numbers.
Mike
I just need to know how old these people are.
Jason
You think sporks were, like, popular older generations?
Andy
No, they feel like kid things.
Mike
No, I'm just saying, like, the older you are, the more likely it is that you've used a spork 10 times.
Andy
I mean, I guess that's fair. Now, Mike, you need to make the selection.
Mike
Yep. I'M going to set my percentage at. Dude, I have no idea.
Andy
This one's tough. I'm not jealous.
Jason
I wrote down my percentage number.
Mike
50%.
Jason
Dang.
Mike
Sabotage.
Andy
Okay, I got my answer locked.
Jason
All right, I do too. I wrote 55%, so I guess I'll take the over.
Andy
I'll take the lower.
Al
The correct answer is 67%.
Mike
Whoa. People be sporking.
Jason
People be sporking. Yeah.
Mike
All right.
Andy
Do we ever move away from utensil related things? Because it's not working for me.
Jason
Well, we'll move away.
Al
That was the last one.
Jason
All right, here's the next question. What percentage of people admit feeling obligated to like friends social media posts? How many? So.
Mike
Oh, yeah.
Jason
What percentage of people are telling the truth? That's what this question is. What percentage of people admit feeling obligated to like friends social media posts? Okay, I'm gonna go with 75%.
Mike
Oh, that's a good guess.
Andy
I've got mine figured out.
Mike
That's a good guess. You're at 75%. All right, Andy, you can answer.
Jason
You just.
Mike
You're higher or lower.
Andy
I am higher.
Mike
I am higher too.
Andy
Okay. All right.
Al
The correct answer is 62%.
Andy
Gosh darn it, I am wearing the goose.
Mike
Man, you guys are tired.
Andy
Oh, wait, you have no points.
Al
No, nobody got any points on that round.
Andy
All right, all right.
Al
So currently we have Jason with two and you guys with nothing. So I'm shocked. Anybody's game.
Jason
It's still way too close.
Andy
All right.
Jason
I thought it's funny because I went 75% to kind of play the range, but I was going to be in the 80s.
Andy
Yeah. My number was 80.
Jason
That means a lot of people were lying.
Andy
Yeah. All right. What percentage of people have had their shoes shined at an airport?
Mike
Oh, man.
Andy
How many people are 60 and older?
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Old timey shoes shined at an airport. What percentage? Oh, boy.
Mike
I can't believe those things are still there.
Andy
All right, And I have to give the percentage, right?
Mike
Yes, you do.
Andy
I love a good shoe. 20%.
Jason
Oh, okay.
Andy
20. Wait, this is only.
Jason
I have my answer.
Andy
Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Point of clarity.
Jason
Sure.
Andy
I mean, I feel like it's men who get their shoe shine.
Mike
It's people.
Andy
Are they all being pinged? Like, do I need to cut this in half?
Jason
I don't know. I don't know that he has the answer to that.
Al
Yes, the percentage is over both genders.
Andy
Can I change or am I locked?
Al
I'm fine with you changing.
Andy
15.
Mike
15%.
Andy
15%.
Mike
Okay, so I will then go higher.
Jason
I will go lower.
Al
The correct answer is 5%.
Jason
Yeah. Yeah, baby. What?
Mike
Why do they have them? Why are they.
Jason
Because. Because it costs money to get rid of them. It was like they built them a long time ago when they were used, and it's like, we're not doing construction around here yet. Actually, to be honest, I don't. I don't see them recently.
Andy
You're part of the 5%.
Jason
No, no, I've never. I was trying to get you to go higher so that I.
Andy
You've never. You've had to have had.
Jason
I've had my shoe shine, but not in an airport. That was so specific.
Andy
Oh, at an airport. I really took that as ever.
Jason
Oh, no. I would have been part of the 8%.
Mike
The amount of shoeshine stations that I have seen at an airport.
Andy
They bought them in bulk.
Mike
It had.
Andy
They bought them a long time ago.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
Someone out there is unloading shoeshine stations on people.
Andy
I just love how grandiose people love these things. They're just so big. They're like the closest thing to a throne we have anymore.
Jason
It is awesome. It is a really cool experience, and it cleans your shoes. But here's the reason. Here's the sole reason why it's not common anymore. We're not wearing shiny shoes, man. You can't just shine my shoes. Like, I. No. None of us in here have shoes that could go be polished right now.
Andy
What's funny is if the shoe shine thing actually just offered to like, clean my white Nikes, they needed to pivot. I'd be like, kind of like, all right, cool.
Mike
Like, the guys in the mall, do they do that?
Jason
Yeah, yeah. There's little places that do that. But if the shoe shine people, if the union, if they have such a thing, ever pivoted.
Andy
Well, the union's dying off.
Jason
We got to stop shining and just start cleaning. It would be like the shoe clean. Mike, you're telling me you wouldn't. Oh, you got an hour to kill at the airport. Hop up there and have some. I might have your Nikes looking fresh.
Mike
Yeah, I might do it.
Jason
All right, you're up.
Mike
Oh, I am. Okay. What percentage of people have urinated in bottles to avoid stopping during road trips?
Andy
Say it one more time. I'm sorry.
Mike
What percentage of people have urinated in bottles to avoid stopping during road trips?
Al
Yeah.
Andy
Well, I'm one of them.
Mike
I am going to go. I'm going to go 30%.
Jason
Okay. I have my answer locked in.
Andy
Yeah. I might get a point here. Yeah, we both lower.
Jason
Way too high.
Andy
I'm thinking it's like a 3% number. Oh, really?
Al
The correct answer is 29%.
Jason
What?
Al
Mike was 1% off.
Andy
You're telling me.
Mike
I think I get a bonus point for the disgrace that I just faced.
Andy
How in the world. Which, by the way, he. And Bottles is also.
Jason
Yeah, this is both genders somehow.
Andy
Both genders. How are you telling me that that number is 29%?
Mike
Because it's not just the driver. It's not the driver I've been in.
Jason
No, I know it's not the driver, but our point is, like, look, I've got a family. I've got two girls, three boys in the family. The boys in my family have peed in bottles before. I've never. Never experienced the other. And maybe that's common, but I feel like that cuts 50% out. So now you're actually. If that's true and 50% cuts out, that means the majority of all people have peed in a bottle.
Andy
Yeah. This is wild, man. That's a wild one. Now, I still get a point, though, right?
Jason
No. Oh, yeah, we both do. We were lower.
Mike
Oh, that's bull crap.
Andy
But it's over. I'm goosed.
Mike
That's bull crap.
Jason
No, you guys are t. You guys are tied.
Andy
No, Mike just got three.
Jason
Well, how did he get three? How did he get 30? No, he said 20.
Al
He said he should have gotten two.
Andy
Yeah, okay.
Mike
I should have got three.
Jason
Was that you, Falcon? No, that was Papa Jessica.
Andy
All right, I need a chance to
Mike
change it to a three.
Andy
If you tie. We ruled this, right.
Mike
Yeah, there's.
Andy
You keep it.
Jason
No, no, no, no. You go to overtime.
Al
Yes.
Andy
Oh, okay. Okay, Jason, is the final question here. I got a.
Mike
All right.
Jason
What percentage of people, when brushing your teeth, keep the faucet running continuously until they are done?
Andy
You can tell Mike's disgusted by these people.
Mike
Monsters.
Jason
I used to be one of these people.
Mike
But then you learned.
Jason
Yeah. I mean, it just. There's no why.
Andy
Why?
Jason
There's no reason.
Andy
There's only one reason.
Jason
What's the reason?
Andy
If you want to get the water hot for washing your face after. I can.
Mike
I can accept that. Because that's. You're warming up the water. You're not just wasting water.
Andy
My master water. It takes a while.
Jason
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mike
I can get that.
Jason
Okay. What percentage of people, when brushing their teeth, keep the faucet running continuously? I'm going to go with 30%.
Mike
Okay. I'm going to write Mine down. Just to make sure there's integrity for
Andy
the show, I have to do the opposite of Mike's. Can that be my official answer?
Mike
No, it can't, because you have to guess first. That's why I wrote mine down.
Jason
For the integrity of the show. No, this is for Mike to have a chance to not go to the
Mike
time I wrote it down. All right.
Andy
I hope I guessed the opposite. 30. Lower.
Mike
I went lower.
Andy
Oh, I'm done. I'm toast. I'm toast.
Jason
Well, wait, what was the actual answer?
Al
The correct answer is 33%.
Mike
I don't care.
Jason
All right, so you got proofs. I got more points.
Mike
I crushed big time. Look at this guy. Yeah. You don't have to wear it.
Andy
Okay, so I'm the goose again.
Mike
Jason's never been the goose.
Andy
No, three times. Right.
Jason
Love this game.
Andy
Yeah, you've been nailing it. Although the peeing in the bottle, that's blowing my mind.
Mike
All right, it's right where I thought it would be.
Andy
I just.
Jason
That's shocking.
Andy
Let's just take a straw poll in this room real quick. Doosers. Raise your hand if you've peed in
Mike
a bottle in a car.
Jason
Yeah, let's take another poll. Raise your hand.
Andy
I was five, so.
Jason
Yeah, I mean, you did too. We all have the ability. Much easier here.
Mike
Yeah. So, I mean, by your math, if you're saying, like, okay, it's about 50, 50 men, women in this world, and every man in this room just said, we've done it.
Andy
Yeah. No, he's right.
Jason
So that's just 60%. 60% of men means 30%, is that right? Assuming a 50. 50 split of gender. I think the math works out there. So if 60% of men, then that should be 30%. I think that's right. I think my math is right.
Mike
Sure, whatever.
Andy
Let's take a break. And we'll be back with the draft.
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Spitballers Podcast Announcer
The Spitballers Draft.
Andy
Well, we'll take our best shot at figuring out things to do when a midlife crisis hits.
Jason
This is gonna be tough to figure out.
Andy
Yeah, a lot of creativity. Jason, I mean, coincidentally has the first pick in this draft. Things to do.
Jason
I think there's a.
Andy
And you were the first one to
Jason
really reach that point. To reach that breaking point. Yeah, I mean, there's a. I feel like while there is no clear perfect 101, there's a classic answer to this. Like the marker of the midline.
Andy
Unfortunately, you are correct.
Jason
Is going out there and buying a sports car or whatever obnoxious.
Andy
That's how I wrote it, is buy a sports car.
Jason
Yeah. I had it written differently. And then it's like. No, it's always referred to as a sports car. We joke a lot that it's a Miata, but that's.
Andy
That is the joke I make all the time. It's always a Mazda Miata.
Jason
Exactly.
Andy
The convertible is.
Mike
The.
Andy
More it's gotta be the convertible.
Jason
Yeah, for sure.
Mike
Can they still make a Miata?
Jason
No, they can't.
Andy
Yeah, they do what I think they do.
Jason
People can't fit in that thing. Papa John's were too big. I don't think they make them anymore. He doesn't think.
Andy
I don't know.
Jason
All right.
Andy
I was pretty sure they make them, but they were miniature. And the fact they were convertibles. Just because your head couldn't fit in there with a convertible top down.
Mike
I love that, making a car. Like, how many people should we be able to fit in this car? 2.
Jason
Is there no back seat? Because I would love to see a human try to sit in the back seat of a Miata.
Andy
I think they're two seaters. They used to be, at least.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna go with what I think the. You know what I think happens a lot. And sometimes it's major, and sometimes it's just a little tweak.
Mike
Oh, no.
Andy
But I'm gonna go with plastic surgery.
Mike
Yeah, I'm going plastic surgery.
Jason
That wasn't on my list. I just kind of.
Mike
Because you haven't Got it yet?
Jason
I drew from my own experience.
Mike
Should put it on your list.
Andy
Yeah, seriously, put it on.
Mike
Do you have an on camera job?
Jason
Yeah, it's a to do list. Okay, got it.
Mike
I can run through all the stuff you should do.
Jason
Yeah. Afterwards, I'm going to pick up the free agents.
Andy
All right.
Mike
No, I meant all the surgeries. You should.
Andy
Yeah, he was saying specifics.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Give me that list.
Mike
It's a long list after the show.
Andy
Yeah. All right, Mike, you've got two picks.
Mike
All right.
Andy
Sports car and plastic surgery have been taken.
Mike
Yep. All right, so the first one, which I have seen many times as I was growing up, as the generation older than me reached into the middle, I saw a lot of them start to get tattoos.
Jason
Yeah, on my list. It's on my to do list.
Andy
Of course, he comes in tomorrow looking so different.
Jason
Yeah. Gonna have a different nose. You can get a 24 Miata neck tattoo.
Mike
But the aunts and uncles, they got the tattoos, the tattoos started to flow.
Andy
What is the go to tattoo for the midlife crisis? Is it like. Is it supposed to be something, like, arty, or is it, like,
Mike
for.
Andy
Is it young forever?
Mike
For the aunts in my life, it was always something. Flowers.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
All right.
Andy
So this feels like you're being a kid again or something.
Mike
I don't know. So they get the tattoos, and then we're gonna say, which one do I wanna go with? We're gonna go with. Start working out. Yeah, start working out. Take that. Oh, is that.
Jason
Oh, yeah.
Andy
He doesn't need to write that one down.
Jason
No, let's check. Checked off the list.
Andy
Okay. Okay. That would have been my next pick.
Mike
The working out.
Andy
The working out one. I'm going to go with the next most. In my opinion, the most prototypical midlife crisis purchase that you can make, which I'm going to go with Buy a boat. I'm going to go with buy a boat.
Jason
I'm a boat guy now. Yeah.
Andy
I've reached the middle of my life, and it's time to be a boat guy.
Jason
I'm a sailor. Okay.
Andy
Write that one down.
Jason
Yeah. To do Buy a boat.
Mike
I thought you were saying you bought a boat.
Jason
No, I have not.
Mike
Just everything we list.
Jason
Yeah. All right, I'm up.
Andy
You are Europe.
Jason
All right, well, the first one I know it's going to be the other side of Mike's working out, and it's. It's to become a health nut. Yeah. You know, like. Yeah, you're.
Andy
I like that language, though. Become a health nut. Yeah. Because I remember inching closer to death.
Jason
It's like I remember all the people when I was younger that they just reached an age where they just, they
Mike
bought a Nordic tract.
Jason
It's not the exercise, it's the diets, the nutrition. It's like, oh, now they're eating only non GMO organic, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now that's me, man. I'm talking to my kids and I'm like, this is how you know I'm going through a midlife crisis. These seed oils are very bad for you. So.
Andy
All right, Health nut.
Jason
Health nut.
Andy
I like it.
Jason
I've got one more pick here. And this one is not on the to do list, is dye your gray hair.
Mike
Oh, oh, it's not on the list because it's already done.
Jason
Because checked off, brother. Oh yeah. This beard is not natural.
Mike
What do you do?
Jason
I mean, it's mostly, I got like a couple spots.
Andy
What do you do if, like, I
Mike
have a friend who's just been dyeing their beard since I've known them.
Jason
Uh huh.
Mike
It wasn't midlife. It was like, it was like young adult.
Jason
Then that means that's how their beard grows. That's what it means to me. Like if they've been doing that since they were a young man, that's just what their beard is. And they should keep it up until they're 90. I'm sure they'll fool everyone.
Andy
All right, this next one, this next one is not prescriptive, but it is associated with a midlife crisis. So I'm going to pick it. And that's getting a new spouse. Yeah, I mean, that is, that's the unfortunately generic trade up in for another model.
Mike
Start dating someone way too young for you.
Jason
Swap out the car, swap out the girl. Yeah, midlife.
Mike
I don't think you're wrong, unfortunately. So my final two here. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna say start to travel more.
Jason
Oh, that's good.
Andy
Yeah, that's because you're on the list.
Mike
You want to go and see what the world has to offer out there and while you can. Yeah, well. And I mean, you're also at the point where you're like, okay, I'm older, I have some money, maybe I have some time off that I can actually go and do it.
Jason
See, I have one on my list that now is very that. But it's specifically solo trips, like a solo camping or backpacking trip.
Andy
Because no, like, find yourself on the trail.
Jason
Exactly. Like, I need, I need to get out into nature by myself.
Andy
Do the Pacific Coast.
Mike
But I mean, speaking of free time, for my last one, I will say, quit their job.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Oh, yeah.
Mike
Oh, yeah. Say, screw this noise. I've wasted my whole life working here.
Jason
Yeah. Go get. Go find your dream job.
Andy
Yeah. And with that but standalone pick, it works. Go back to school. It's the midlife. Go back to school and do it all over again.
Jason
What's up, fellow young kids?
Andy
So I'll go with that for my father.
Mike
Can you imagine going back, going to college right now, an in person. You go to ASU and you're surrounded by kids who are 20 to 22 years old and you're rolling up in there with your dyed beard, pulling up in your Miata.
Jason
I don't know. So I think, here's the truth. I think I would be extremely uncomfortable.
Mike
Yeah, you would.
Jason
And I think I would love it. Oh, I think, I think it would be like a.
Andy
Like when they come up and they're like, yo, gramps, what are we doing?
Mike
The young people give you energy.
Jason
Yeah, exactly, exactly. I think I would feel young again.
Andy
Going, leaving at 7 o' clock at night from the party.
Mike
Or would you just feel really old?
Jason
I think no, I don't think I would. I think I would feel uncomfortable, but I think I would love it. I think it would make me feel young again.
Andy
Okay, well, give it a go.
Mike
Write it down.
Jason
Sure.
Andy
All right, you've got a final asu. You've got a final pick here so far. I'll just run it, run it back while Jason figures his last one out. Mike has get tattoos, start working out, start to travel more and quit your job. I've got plastic surgery. Buy a boat, get a new spouse and go back to school. And Jason has buy a sports car, become a health nut, die them grays
Jason
and get a therapist. Nothing like a good midlife crisis to. Hey, if you need a therapist, get a therapist.
Mike
Yeah, but you're going to need one
Jason
when you turn 40, when you. Well, midlife. It could be 40, it could be 41 whenever for you.
Andy
Yeah, it could be any of.
Mike
Examine those childhood traumas, man. Work through it.
Jason
It's time to work through being old.
Andy
The only. I mean, literally everything on my entire list got checked off by you guys in your picks except for one which was just become nostalgic. I mean, I don't even know if that's a midlife crisis thing.
Mike
I had change your wardrobe.
Andy
Oh, yeah, yeah. You might start turn those Ls into XLs.
Jason
Gonna have those graphic tees.
Mike
Well, yes, I meant like showing up younger man's clothes. Start a new hobby.
Jason
Yeah, for sure.
Andy
A new sport. Like pickleball.
Jason
Yeah, I have. Go skydiving.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Something to make you feel.
Andy
Bungee jumping.
Mike
How do you feel alive?
Jason
Become a golfer. Which is. That might be the hobby. Or. My final one was, well, no, I got to start becoming a conspiracy theorist. That's about the.
Andy
That's about the.
Jason
That's about the point in your life where you could start buying in all these theories. And then the only other one. Did you check that box yet? No, I haven't checked that box yet. But the box I have, but I'm hearing good things, is build a chicken coop and buy a baker's dozen baby chicks for farm fresh eggs, baby.
Andy
Yeah. I don't know who would do that.
Jason
No. What did we learn today?
Andy
Oh, what did I learn today?
Jason
I learned that I am a great guesser of public opinion.
Andy
Yeah. I learned I'm the goose again. And I'm taking notes on this midlife crisis thing. I need to check them off.
Mike
I learned that people do race on zebras.
Jason
They've done it for a very short while.
Andy
They've done it well, to be fair, when they ride bulls, it's for a very short while.
Mike
Yeah, fair.
Andy
That'll do it for today's episode. Back next week. Goodbye, everybody.
Mike
Goodbye.
Jason
Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com.
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Episode: Flying Penguins & Things To Do When That Midlife Crisis Hits - Spit Hits!
Podcast: Spitballers Comedy Podcast
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason
Release Date: May 14, 2026
This lively and fast-paced episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast delivers the trio’s trademark blend of clean humor, witty banter, and absurd hypothetical questions. The main focuses are a series of hilarious “Would You Rather” scenarios, the always-chaotic “Guess Guest Goose” percentage game, and a final draft segment where the hosts compete to assemble the best list of things to do when a midlife crisis hits. The episode is full of dad-joke energy, self-deprecating asides, and memorable comedic moments.
“Most of the people that I know...have no idea [which way is north]. How are you a grown up?” (04:45)
“There is a freedom to not having time ruling your life. So I will take that as well.” – Jason (08:15)
“20 years older. Easy, easy.” (14:24)
“Here’s the problem. I’m the only one in this room who actually has a good memory. I remember all of it. It’s terrible.” (18:25)
“Zebras can’t be tamed…They’re not domesticated animals.” (23:52)
“That’s not flying. That’s called swimming. We got a word for that, Google AI.” (26:14)
(A percentages guessing game with wrong answers resulting in the “goose hat” punishment)
Big Spoon vs. Small Spoon for Cereal:
“Stop calling it the little spoon.” — Mike (31:57)
Spork Use:
Feeling Obligated to Like Social Media Posts:
Shoes Shined at Airport:
Urinating in Bottles on Road Trips:
Leaving Faucet Running While Brushing Teeth:
“I learned I’m the goose again. And I’m taking notes on this midlife crisis thing.” – Andy (53:51)
[42:57–53:43]
Jason:
Andy:
Mike:
If you missed the episode, this summary brings you all the laughs, insight, and classic Spitballers absurdity, straight from the minds of Andy, Mike, and Jason.