Flying Penguins & Things To Do When That Midlife Crisis Hits - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast – Episode Summary

Episode: Flying Penguins & Things To Do When That Midlife Crisis Hits - Spit Hits!
Podcast: Spitballers Comedy Podcast
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason
Release Date: May 14, 2026

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Episode Overview

This lively and fast-paced episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast delivers the trio’s trademark blend of clean humor, witty banter, and absurd hypothetical questions. The main focuses are a series of hilarious “Would You Rather” scenarios, the always-chaotic “Guess Guest Goose” percentage game, and a final draft segment where the hosts compete to assemble the best list of things to do when a midlife crisis hits. The episode is full of dad-joke energy, self-deprecating asides, and memorable comedic moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Opening Banter & Housekeeping

• [01:41–03:29] The hosts do a round of improv scat singing, joking about bad impressions.
  • Jason opens with a Satchmo impression: “Beep bop beep, bro. I’m Satchbo.” (01:41)
  • The group teases the idea that a key part of any impression is stating who you are at the end.
• [02:39–03:50] Quick updates on where to follow them and encouragement to share the show with friends and leave reviews ("Find your sickest friends and then prescribe them" – Andy, 03:54).

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2. Would You Rather Segment

a) No Sense of Time vs. No Sense of Direction

• [04:04–08:23]
  • The trio debate which would be worse: always being late or always getting lost.
  • Jason illustrates concern about adults not knowing cardinal directions:

    “Most of the people that I know...have no idea [which way is north]. How are you a grown up?” (04:45)

  • They eventually decide that lacking a sense of time might grant more 'freedom':

    “There is a freedom to not having time ruling your life. So I will take that as well.” – Jason (08:15)

b) Always Call Your Mother-in-Law “Babe” or Father-in-Law “Tubby”

• [08:35–13:00]
  • The group explores the cringe and social peril of both choices.
  • Notable exchange:
    • Mike: “I don’t want to do either of these.” (10:41)
    • Jason: "Two tubbies and a babe." (14:10)
  • Consensus: Most would go with "Tubby," but agree both options are mortifying.

c) Kids as Infants Again vs. 20 Years Older

• [14:10–18:53]
  • Mike is quick to choose “20 years older,” eager for parental freedom:

    “20 years older. Easy, easy.” (14:24)

  • Andy and Jason wax sentimental about reliving their kids' earlier years.
  • The trio debate the nuances of missing out on formative years, grandkids, and the “old dad” problem.
  • Al (“The Dooser”) sides with team sentimental.
  • Mike jokes that Andy and Jason are just wearing nostalgia goggles:

    “Here’s the problem. I’m the only one in this room who actually has a good memory. I remember all of it. It’s terrible.” (18:25)

d) Saddle and Ride: Dolphin vs. Bull

• [19:05–23:50]
  • The group weighs physical danger vs. risk of drowning.
  • Jason sides with dolphin, referencing its intelligence and his own fear of being gored by a bull.
  • Mike points out the challenge of dolphins possibly submerging with you in tow.
  • Papa Josh shares he has actually ridden a dolphin.
  • Spirited animal tangent: Why can’t we ride zebras or lions?

e) Animal Tangent: Taming Weird Creatures & Flightless Birds

• [23:50–26:36]
  • Jason insists zebras can’t be domesticated:

    “Zebras can’t be tamed…They’re not domesticated animals.” (23:52)

  • The group riffs on the tragedy of flightless birds.
  • Andy: “Imagine being an ostrich at the bird meetings with giant wings that still can’t fly.” (25:33)
  • Jason’s incredulity at the phrase "penguins can fly underwater":

    “That’s not flying. That’s called swimming. We got a word for that, Google AI.” (26:14)

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3. Guest Guest Goose Game

(A percentages guessing game with wrong answers resulting in the “goose hat” punishment)

Sample Questions & Results

• [28:09–32:21]

  • Big Spoon vs. Small Spoon for Cereal:

    • 47% prefer the big spoon. Andy guesses high (65%), Mike and Jason celebrate victory for team “little spoon.”
    • Quote:

      “Stop calling it the little spoon.” — Mike (31:57)

  • Spork Use:

    • 67% have used a spork more than ten times.
    • “People be sporking.” – Jason (33:29)

  • Feeling Obligated to Like Social Media Posts:

    • 62% admit to this behavior.

  • Shoes Shined at Airport:

    • 5% have done this; hosts express disbelief about the prevalence of airport shoe shine stations.
    • Andy: “They’re like the closest thing to a throne we have anymore.” (36:33)

  • Urinating in Bottles on Road Trips:

    • 29% have done this.
    • Jason, incredulous: “That means the majority of all people have peed in a bottle.” (38:54)
    • “People be sporkin’, people be peeing in bottles. That’s what I’ve learned.” — Group consensus.

  • Leaving Faucet Running While Brushing Teeth:

    • 33% do this; Mike and Andy label them “monsters.”

Game Results

• After several rounds, Jason emerges as the superior "public opinion guesser."
• Andy earns the dubious “goose” title for most wrong answers:

  “I learned I’m the goose again. And I’m taking notes on this midlife crisis thing.” – Andy (53:51)

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4. Spitballers Draft: Things To Do When That Midlife Crisis Hits

[42:57–53:43]

Draft Picks by Host

Jason:

• Buy a sports car (especially a convertible Miata) (43:38)
• Become a health nut (47:36)
• Dye gray hair (48:09) – “This beard is not natural.”
• Get a therapist (52:08)

Andy:

• Plastic surgery
• Buy a boat (“Time to be a boat guy”) (47:03)
• Get a new spouse (“Trade up for another model”) (49:03)
• Go back to school (50:43) – “Going to college right now… imagine rolling in with your dyed beard, pulling up in your Miata.”

Mike:

• Get tattoos (often flowers for aunts/uncles) (45:27)
• Start working out
• Start to travel more (49:43)
• Quit your job (“Say, ‘Screw this noise. I've wasted my whole life working here.’”) (50:21)

Honorable Mentions & Extras

• Change your wardrobe / Ditch the dad clothes
• Try new hobbies (golf, skydiving, bungee jumping)
• Become a conspiracy theorist
• Build a chicken coop (“Farm fresh eggs, baby” – Jason)

Notable Quotes:

• “Swap out the car, swap out the girl. Yeah, midlife.” – Jason (49:23)
• “Start to travel more… while you still can.” – Mike (49:47)

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Memorable Moments and Quotes

• “Two tubbies and a babe.” (14:10)
• “If you can’t fly, you shouldn’t be allowed to be in the bird club.” – Jason (25:50)
• “People be sporking.” – Jason (33:29)
• “That means the majority of all people have peed in a bottle.” – Jason (38:54)
• “They’re like the closest thing to a throne we have anymore.” – Andy on airport shoe shines (36:33)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening riff/impressions: [01:41–03:29]
• Would You Rather main section: [04:04–26:36]
• Guess Guest Goose game: [28:09–41:44]
• Spitballers Draft: Midlife Crisis: [42:57–53:43]

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Episode Takeaways

• The Spitballers continue to excel at relatable, clean comedic banter.
• Their midlife crisis draft offers a tongue-in-cheek guide — get a sports car, a tattoo, a boat, and start working out...and maybe see a therapist.
• Animal facts were checked (zebras can't be tamed!) and penguins definitely can’t “fly underwater.”
• The “Goose” hat remains one of the show's most ridiculous punishments.

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If you missed the episode, this summary brings you all the laughs, insight, and classic Spitballers absurdity, straight from the minds of Andy, Mike, and Jason.

Transcript

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[Mike]

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[Spitballers Podcast Announcer]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

[Jason]

It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason squeed up. Beep bop beep, bro. I'm Satchbo.

[Andy]

Oh. The sign of any good impression is identifying yourself at the end.

[Mike]

You get halfway through.

[Andy]

You get halfway through it. And it was going great.

[Mike]

And then.

[Andy]

And then you're like, I better make sure they know.

[Jason]

Yeah. Who this is Tomahawk Dunk at the end.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'm Satchmo.

[Jason]

So, you know, I figured I don't have to do the scat ever again if I'm not the one that does it.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

You know what I'm saying? Your channel that was brought to you by Satchmo.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

Who knows? Scooby Doo might be the next one.

[Discover Advertiser]

I don't know.

[Mike]

I bet next week it's. It's Satchmo.

[Jason]

Yeah, I got a list of about one.

[Andy]

It's his thing. Welcome into the Spitballers, episode 298. Would you rather on today's show, Guess Guest Goose. Where someone, not yours truly, has to wear the goose honk. And then. Not that we would be familiar with any of the possible answers. A lot of research necessary for this, for this draft today. But we're going to draft things to do when your midlife crisis hits.

[Jason]

Yeah. After we established what we were gonna be. After we established what we were gonna be drafting, I bought some books.

[Andy]

Right.

[Jason]

Talked to, called up some old people.

[Andy]

No, you definitely didn't just like go in your browser history for the last two years.

[Jason]

Yeah, not me. What? Midlife crisis.

[Andy]

So that's what we're drafting. That should be entertaining. I'm looking forward to it. You can find us on x PitballersPod. You can leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts or on Spotify. We appreciate it. Actually. The best way you can help the show leave us that review, make sure you're following the episodes and tell your family and friends about the podcast.

[Jason]

I find that humor is more fun shared.

[Andy]

Find your sickest friends and then prescribe them.

[Mike]

I see.

[Andy]

Because of the medicine.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's the best.

[Mike]

That's what they say.

[Andy]

All right, moving on. Would you rather question from the website Uriah writes in. Would you rather have no sense of time or no sense of direction? So help me take those to the extreme because, I mean, we all know a moment in, in your day to day life where maybe you lose track of time and you all know a moment where you get lost. But take them to their nth degree here because.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, I feel like we gotta deal with the elephant in the room here, which is navigation. Right?

[Mike]

Like, like, sure, yeah.

[Andy]

That is what popped into my head.

[Jason]

Most of the people that I know. And this blows my, this, this shocks me because I know this does not apply to you two gentlemen and I feel like it should apply to absolutely no adult in the world. But when I have polled people around me, their sense of which direction is north or south or east or west, they have no idea. And I'm like, how are you a grown up? How do you not know which direction you're going right now? First of all, just by, I don't know, living enough years to know. Oh yeah, when I go that way, I'm going east or west. But also you can look at the sun like you don't even have to. I can go, I can go to Nebraska.

[Andy]

Don't stare at the sun, kids.

[Jason]

No, no, no, don't stare at the sun. But if I go tells you, it just tells you which direction you're heading. So. But all of them are fine because of navigation. Because getting somewhere, finding their way to somewhere has nothing to do with sense of direction. You don't need it anymore, do you?

[Andy]

If you didn't have a sense of direction, Are you getting lost in your own house here? Are you, like, probably when you get to the office, you do get turned around in your own house.

[Mike]

I mean, you might be okay for the most part in your house, but if you're, you know, just a larger place, like you go to a museum, you go to the state fair, you're. You're not gonna be able to find anything.

[Jason]

Mm, Repeatedly. Walmart, Costco.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, there you go.

[Andy]

A theme park becomes an impossibility. I mean, you are.

[Jason]

You better be handcuffed to your kids, you know what I mean? Because you won't find your way back to them.

[Andy]

Yeah, that would be a nightmare. And the no sense of time. I mean, I don't want to get too deep here, but if you have no idea about the passage of time, does anything exist at all?

[Jason]

Or do you.

[Al]

Or.

[Mike]

Well, it's just like, you're going to be late for stuff.

[Jason]

Alternatively, do you just stay young?

[Andy]

I guess it doesn't mean you have amnesia.

[Jason]

Well, I'm just saying, this just means

[Andy]

you don't know how much time.

[Jason]

We're talking about midlife crisis here. If you have no concept of time.

[Al]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You're not old, you're not young.

[Jason]

You're 10 years old.

[Mike]

You still know that at nighttime, you're going to go to sleep and you'll wake up, be like, I. I don't know how long I slept.

[Andy]

This is a difficult question to answer.

[Jason]

Yeah. I mean, the truth is, in context to this question, it just means, like, you are an idiot with directions or an idiot with time. You're always running late.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

You're always. You're always behind the eight ball.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Or so you're always.

[Jason]

You're always getting lost.

[Mike]

Yeah. You're always.

[Al]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You're either getting lost. Need to constantly ask for directions, or you're setting, like, a million timers for yourself and trying to remember what they all mean.

[Andy]

If you get lost, you're also going to be late.

[Jason]

I was going to say one of these is both of these. One of these is always both of these.

[Andy]

Yeah. So I got to go with the no sense of time.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You'll be late. But you drove straight there.

[Andy]

I did.

[Mike]

Which is more embarrassing, like.

[Jason]

Well, I think it's more embarrassing to drive straight there and be late, because if you think about it this way, you really did if you show up somewhere late, what do you do? You make an excuse.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, I took the wrong turn.

[Jason]

You give the reason why you're late. You don't say, oh man, I came straight here. Sorry I'm late. It's like, oh, my bad. I didn't care enough to leave on time, so that's why I'm late. Which is probably the truth half the time, man.

[Andy]

Yeah, I guess I'll just go. I'd rather have no sense of time. That might let me enjoy things. I'm an impatient person. That might let me like enjoy things more often because I'm just, I'm just in the moment.

[Jason]

I think there is a freedom to not having time ruling your life. So I will take that as well.

[Andy]

The freedom to being late.

[Mike]

I think it's more embarrassing to not be able to do directions though. Okay, so as a man, I'm a man. I know where north is.

[Jason]

You don't need to stop and ask for directions.

[Andy]

Skip from Patreon. Would you rather always have to refer to your mother in law? Oh, gosh. Oh, dear goodness. Would you always have to refer refer to your mother in law as Babe or your father in law as Tubby?

[Mike]

Wow,

[Andy]

Tubby.

[Jason]

Yeah. That was quick. That was easy.

[Andy]

Yeah, man. I've done the babe thing with friends like once or twice. I've done the babe thing with my own mother one time because I'm so used to calling my wife.

[Mike]

That's what I call my wife.

[Andy]

I call my wife Babe. I say, hey, babe, come here. And I've had a couple of times. You know, you do that for so many years and then you suddenly you're running an errand with your mother and it's like, babe, come over here. Oh, gosh.

[Mike]

Yep. Well, I'll see you never again. Yeah, it's like, but this is where I say goodbye.

[Jason]

Doesn't it become normalized if that's always like, hey, babe, you know what I mean? I'm showing up and my mother in law, hey, babe, looking good. No, it's a compliment. Versus hey, tubby. You looking bad, gramps. Why don't you go lose some weight, tubbs?

[Mike]

Well, you're not doing that. You're just always calling him Tubby.

[Jason]

Insinuated. Yeah, one of these is.

[Mike]

But you don't have to elaborate on it.

[Andy]

Tubby is not. I guess there's Tubby Tuberville.

[Mike]

Right?

[Andy]

I was trying to think if there's ever a name of somebody where it's like, tubby is a good.

[Mike]

Well, Tubby Was the name of the character that I would always draw growing up.

[Andy]

Tubby.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's what most people were thinking.

[Andy]

Not babe.

[Mike]

No, tubby.

[Jason]

Tubby means you're fat. I mean, let's just. Let's pull the band aid off. It is a negative if someone calls you tubby. Y' all know you like them snacks. Snack count at 100, Tubby.

[Andy]

Oh, man. If your father in law is not good spirited, you're about to get your butt kicked over and over again.

[Mike]

Possibly as long as they got that old man strength.

[Andy]

Yeah. There's a chance you run into the wrong father in law. Where to Jason's point, if you call your mother in law babe in a funny way, it's also awful. I don't want to do either of these.

[Jason]

Yeah, well, the father in law comes could get upset at that.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, the father in law's get up.

[Jason]

Who you call him babe.

[Mike]

So this, it's a little off topic, but I just was reminded of it because it's about this character I draw. No, no, no, no. It's about old man strength. And like the idea of that guys, as they get older, like there's just this weird. They get strong. And then I thought, well, you know, why is that? Because it's obviously the opposite of what you think of. You get older, you actually get weaker and well, back in the day, you would have guys doing intensive labor jobs.

[Andy]

Yes, yes. In the coal mines. Carpenter, building concrete, whatever.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Construction for 40 years.

[Andy]

Carpenter.

[Mike]

And then push ups and it's like podcasting. Yeah, no, that's exactly where it went of like. Wait, I'm not.

[Andy]

You're not gonna get old man strength.

[Mike]

I'm not gonna get old man's strength, am I?

[Andy]

No, you old man strength. You, strength have it. There's a way to tell if somebody has it. Look at the hands and look at their working man hands.

[Jason]

No, no, this is a real thing. We.

[Andy]

Yes, that is it.

[Mike]

I don't think we're getting old man.

[Andy]

You have to be grizzled.

[Jason]

I'm telling you, you already have old man strength. I'm telling you, if you go up.

[Andy]

But that's another problem for the draft.

[Jason]

If you go up against a 20 year old and you just want to push each other. Okay, he's not moving you.

[Andy]

Okay?

[Jason]

You're moving him. That old man strength comes with a little bit of.

[Andy]

That's not for all of us, tubby.

[Jason]

But you're just calling me that drawing Mike used to do is that we. Yeah. What a term of Endearment.

[Andy]

I think you. Yeah, I get it. I mean, it was a reflection, at least how I think of it. It was like the mechanic did mechanic stuff. I don't. 40 years. And now they're just.

[Mike]

I don't think I'm getting it. I don't think I'm getting old man strength.

[Andy]

You're not gonna.

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

So you're in the.

[Andy]

Does your son in law can call you tubby?

[Mike]

Well, it would be accurate at this point.

[Jason]

Will the next generation refer to old man strength as like a weakness? Like, oh, you don't want old man strength. They have none.

[Andy]

Why?

[Jason]

Their weak podcasting arms can't lift my baby.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, I'm worried about it.

[Andy]

I'm going to call the father in law, Tubby and hope he's a podcaster.

[Jason]

I'm going to call the mother in law babe and have fun. I think I can make it into a nice term of endearment.

[Andy]

That isn't until she falls for you.

[Jason]

Creepy. Well, I mean, that had to have happened the day she met me.

[Mike]

Okay, go to the side of the spouse. Would your wife rather hear you call her mother babe?

[Andy]

Right.

[Mike]

Or your dad?

[Andy]

Jason's probably rather.

[Jason]

I'm pretty confident she'd rather me call her mother.

[Andy]

One is directly mean and denigrating and the other can be spun in a humorous way.

[Jason]

And let's be honest, we are now past our own midlife crisis age. I hope, I pray. And so that means you're right in

[Mike]

the middle of that.

[Jason]

Our in laws. Please tell me I'm past it. Our in laws are. You know, I don't think this is. You know, when you call them babe. I don't think there's mixed signals here. You know, they're an age where it's just nice. It's just a.

[Andy]

You might have to explain yourself in a few public settings. Maybe she's my mother in law.

[Mike]

That doesn't make it better.

[Andy]

No. What is your final.

[Jason]

She's a babe.

[Mike]

Chubby.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

I poke the bear.

[Jason]

Two tubbies and a babe.

[Andy]

Two tubbies and a babe. All right, Cody from Patreon, would you rather wake up tomorrow and have your kids be infants again or have your kids be 20 years older? Oh, man, you're gonna get me here.

[Mike]

Oh, what, sentimental man? Yeah, 20 years older. Easy, easy.

[Jason]

He's like, I can't wait. If I could push a button now to skip 20 years.

[Mike]

Easy.

[Andy]

You don't want to go back.

[Mike]

No, no, I do.

[Andy]

Remember, man, here's why people have more than one kid. Is they romanticize because they make mistakes.

[Jason]

This is really tough because.

[Mike]

No, it's so easy, man.

[Jason]

It's tough for Andy and I. This is one of those, like, there is something really great about, I mean, obviously going back to infants. I don't want an infant. I love a baby. I don't want to have to change diapers anymore, whatever. But if you're telling me I got to relive and re. Experience the three year old, the four year old, the six year old, you know, those ages are so magical. The problem is I don't get to go back in age in this now I'm older and have to deal with.

[Mike]

Your kid has the old dad.

[Jason]

Right.

[Mike]

We all knew someone who had the old dad, and it was weird.

[Andy]

If my son became 20 years older today, he'd be five years younger than me.

[Jason]

Maybe you could do things together.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Take naps in the afternoon.

[Mike]

Sounds like I got a best friend that.

[Andy]

I mean, I'm just, I'm teasing it out because that is enticing to like.

[Jason]

But aren't you also. I mean, you. You are factually taking 20 years of your children's life away.

[Andy]

Yeah, they're.

[Jason]

They don't get to live to 120. Now you're just subtracting two decades of their experience.

[Andy]

Well, let's just hypothetically then it would detract three decades. You're in a coma. They live a nice 20 years and then you come out of it and they've. So for your intents and purposes, they. That would be better to enjoy their life.

[Jason]

That would be better because, I mean, this is basically saying I don't get grandchildren if I pick that one.

[Andy]

Right. Whereas if you're in a coma.

[Jason]

Right. They're going to have to find love, you know, in their.

[Mike]

Right.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. You know, you'll. I'm not saying it's impossible to get grandchildren. I'm saying there's a good chance not going to work out. Just do the math.

[Andy]

20 years, I mean, you're probably okay.

[Mike]

Yeah, you'll be fine.

[Jason]

I mean, it just depends on how they've aged.

[Mike]

You know, I think even at regular childbearing, like age, the average age that Americans are having kids, I think you'd still be fine.

[Andy]

One more caveat before I make you pick your final answer, which is, I already picked bro.

[Jason]

He's like, there's nothing that could change me here.

[Andy]

If they go back to being infants again, you do get to redo all this stuff. You screwed up as a parent.

[Jason]

I didn't Screw anything up. All right, last caveat here before we pick. We're going to change this to would you rather have your kids wake up tomorrow like they are, or have your kids be 20 years older? Mike, go.

[Mike]

Let's see, like they are right now.

[Jason]

Yeah, like nothing changes. Or you could skip 20 years.

[Andy]

Like, basically. Do you want to be in a coma? Because we can do this for you. So.

[Mike]

And we're. This is like the assumption that they're 20 years older. So they have. They have self reliance. Oh, absolutely.

[Jason]

They've moved out.

[Mike]

I get my house, you get your house. Wait, what's the downside?

[Jason]

All right, back to the original question. I'm taking it. I'm taking the infants.

[Andy]

I'm doing it too. I'm going to go. I'm reliving it.

[Mike]

Weirdo. Old dads enjoy it. Enjoy all the new mistakes you get to make.

[Andy]

All right, Al, how are you today?

[Al]

Doing great.

[Andy]

What's your answer for that one?

[Al]

I'm going to have to go back to infant stages.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. He's sentimental like me. We have time for another.

[Al]

Would you rather I just have one Mike?

[Andy]

So it's a little.

[Al]

It's a little less task.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Your single child will have his own issues. Yeah.

[Jason]

You took a lazy way out, man.

[Andy]

Yeah, These are, you know, Papa Josh.

[Mike]

Do I at least have someone who's. Who's willing to admit it?

[Jason]

My kids are getting older, man. I'm kind of missing the younger days.

[Mike]

Oh, man. You guys just don't remember. Here's the problem. I'm the only one in this room who actually has a good memory. I remember all of it. It's terrible. There's some good stuff. So much terrible.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh. All right, so you're saying we're just having nostalgic viewpoints? We only remember the good.

[Mike]

You know, you can't go back home. You know that phrase? That's what they're talking about.

[Jason]

And then we got the falcon inducers alley, where if he skipped 20 years, he'd just have 8 year olds. So cool, man.

[Andy]

All right, are we. We got time for one more? Are we moving on?

[Al]

Yeah, let's do one more.

[Andy]

All right, Dahlia, from the website, would you rather have to try and saddle and ride a dolphin or saddle and ride a bull? Ooh, this is like, do I have to find the dolphin or is it brought to me?

[Jason]

You got to be in a tank.

[Al]

Yeah, it's in a tank.

[Andy]

I'm in a tank. I just got to get a hold of it.

[Jason]

Yeah, you're not finding a bull out in the wild either. You're in a rodeo pin. It's just like.

[Andy]

Well, I'm thinking, like, the one thing I know about dolphins from my vast research, like, if I have a bucket of fish, they're going to come hang out with me. But I don't know how I get a bull to hang out with me. Like, a bucket of. What does a bull eat?

[Mike]

Grass.

[Andy]

I mean, I just don't feel like you see bulls coming over to you because you hold out some grass. And my number one priority here is how do I get on this thing?

[Jason]

If we really have to be the one to saddle them, there's. I mean, well, we're not going to do either, but I would not have the courage to even attempt a bull like dolphin. I can be convinced that I can befriend this and over enough time.

[Andy]

Intelligence.

[Jason]

Yeah, there's intelligence. They'll know I'm a friend. We will become besties, and then maybe someday they will let me harness its swimming power. But a bull, I won't walk near it. I won't be its friend, because I am afraid of being its skewer by being gored. Yes.

[Andy]

Only one animal can gore you in

[Mike]

this example, but a dolphin. What if a dolphin's like, sweet. You ready to go 50ft under the water?

[Andy]

That's true.

[Jason]

But the thing. I'm not, like, strapped into this saddle, am I? Like, walk.

[Andy]

You've got your feet.

[Jason]

I got a seatbelt.

[Andy]

You got the feet in stirrups? Yeah. You're in the stirrups.

[Jason]

Okay. But I can take my.

[Andy]

You could get out, but you might be 50ft down by the time you get them off. Now, let me ask a question, because Papa Josh trained dolphins. This is not a lie. He is really old. He's lived five, six, seven midlife crises. Now, Papa Josh, have you ever saddled or seen a dolphin saddled?

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

I have ridden a dolphin, though.

[Andy]

Just.

[Jason]

Do you bare back?

[Andy]

Do you just hold on to the fin?

[Jason]

Yep.

[Andy]

How fast? How'd that go?

[Jason]

I love that he started nodding as well. Again, this is an audio podcast. You got to use your words.

[Andy]

So that would be a yes on the fin. How did it go?

[Jason]

Very cool and fast.

[Andy]

Did it. Did it ever try to submerge?

[Jason]

Yeah, I've been under. I've, like, been pushed underwater by him, too. Superman style. Neat.

[Andy]

Oh, like where you put the. You put your feet on there on their.

[Mike]

Flying through the water.

[Jason]

No one's friends with a bull.

[Mike]

Yeah, but how Cool. Would you be if you.

[Jason]

If, like, your horse was a bull?

[Andy]

Imagine Paul Bunyan, a Western where three dudes roll up on their horses and one dude's rolling up on their bull.

[Jason]

Dude, that would be amazing.

[Mike]

I would be scared of. Oh, for sure. That's Tubby over there.

[Jason]

Well, that's the king. I mean, you go back in time, you redo any old Western. Any great old Western, like the Three Amigos, and one of them has a bull, that's the king.

[Andy]

Real talk, real question. Okay, why can't we tame all of them? Why are some animals untameable?

[Jason]

Like a zebra. Like a zebra is a horse. But you can't tame a zebra.

[Andy]

Can you not?

[Jason]

No, zebras can't be tame.

[Andy]

Or, like, why can't we, like, you know, ride a lion, you know, or a wolf? Why can't we ride a big wolf?

[Mike]

Well, we turned them into dogs. You can't tame a zebra.

[Jason]

Where does this come from?

[Andy]

I don't think you can tame a zebra.

[Jason]

This comes from the back of my noggin. And I'm pretty sure it's right because I've.

[Mike]

Where have you heard this?

[Andy]

Here's the results. Zebras can be trained and hybridized.

[Jason]

No, they can't.

[Andy]

But they have never been domesticated.

[Jason]

Yeah, they're not domesticated animals.

[Andy]

Unpredictable, aggressive, and strong territorial streaks, making them difficult to train and difficult to shadow.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, it's a somewhat known thing.

[Andy]

No, you're right.

[Mike]

Yeah. I've never heard this in my life.

[Andy]

Listen, we, as human beings, we saddle and ride everything we can. We've already accomplished the saddle and ride of all things. We've tried camels.

[Jason]

Check. Elephants, Check. Horses, Check. Zebras? Didn't work.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Did not work.

[Andy]

Yeah. I mean, I think a few people might have got it done, but.

[Jason]

Yeah, but I mean, you don't have zebra rides at the.

[Andy]

No.

[Jason]

And you never will, Mike.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's right.

[Jason]

They're ornery, they're aggressive, They're. They're so upset about these stripes. They are. They feel like they're in prison.

[Mike]

Then why am I watching a video of people racing on zebras right now?

[Jason]

Because AI can do anything.

[Mike]

This is not AI.

[Andy]

There's outliers. Now, listen, if I was a zebra and I was trying to hide in the bush and I looked like a referee from a football game, I'd be pretty pissed, too.

[Jason]

All right, when I say, do people ride zebras? While some people have ridden zebras in the past, zebras are not typically ridden because they are not domesticated and have not evolved to support the weight of a human rider.

[Andy]

Yeah. That's the biggest zebra. I am a bunch of people on zebras at Churchill Downs. Flying down the back. Oh, and one guy gets tossed.

[Jason]

Yeah. Because that's the point.

[Andy]

This is going horribly. They're all tossed from these zebras.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

This is what we do as people.

[Jason]

I'm not saying you can't do. Do stupid things.

[Andy]

Right.

[Jason]

You can try to ride a dolphin,

[Andy]

a hippo or a rhino.

[Jason]

Yeah, go for it, man. See how that hippos gonna love you.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah. Just because we can doesn't mean we should.

[Jason]

What animal that is not currently saddled would you wish to ride the most?

[Andy]

I mean, the rhino is right there with the horn.

[Jason]

Yeah, see, I'm going. I'm going to your. I'm going to your lion. I'm going to the king of the jungle. I mean, because I can jump. Your rhino's not jumping.

[Andy]

Yeah, the lion would be cool. I'm not going to argue.

[Mike]

I think the problem with the line is just. But if we're doing the way that it runs, I don't know that it's going to work out for you.

[Andy]

If you're on the lion and I'm on the rhino and we're doing like old school, you know, we're going to run at each other with. And battle. I'm going to win.

[Jason]

Yeah, I believe that. I believe that. And then I hope you'll be skewered. Hope Mike chooses some kind of bird.

[Andy]

Zebra.

[Mike]

If there was a bird that you could actually.

[Andy]

You want to ride. They ride ostriches, don't they?

[Mike]

They can't fly. That's all I know.

[Jason]

We didn't say anything about flying.

[Andy]

Is that a bird with an asterisk? Is that what an ostrich is?

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, that's a bird. Wink.

[Andy]

You know how.

[Mike]

Yeah. Why do we have. Why do we have like an ostrich and an emu and they can't fly? That would be terrible. When you go to the bird meetings,

[Andy]

it would suck if you were them. And you show up and you're like, my wings are bigger than all yours combined and I can't get off the ground.

[Mike]

You're like, I run really fast. Like, that's. That's cool. See ya.

[Andy]

That's why they stick their heads straight

[Mike]

in the ground, man.

[Jason]

Which they don't.

[Mike]

I can't see you flying also.

[Andy]

That's right.

[Jason]

I think a prerequisite.

[Mike]

Watch this Blanc.

[Jason]

A prerequisite for being a bird should Be flight. If you can't fly, you shouldn't be allowed to be in the bird club. And I just googled, can penguins fly?

[Mike]

Oh, they cannot.

[Jason]

Oh, no, they can.

[Andy]

You had to Google that.

[Jason]

They can. If you have the stupidest answer of all time, which is penguins can't fly through the air, but they can fly underwater. No, they can't.

[Andy]

That's not flying.

[Jason]

That's called swimming. We got a word for that. We got a word for that, Google AI, called swimming. They could swim fast. That doesn't. Michael Phelps can't fly. Well, Michael, he can't fly through the air, but he can fly in the water.

[Mike]

I got a submarine. It's a flying submarine.

[Jason]

Exactly.

[Andy]

The birds of prey, those great whites. All right, we'll take a break. We'll come back with some guest guest. Goose.

[Spitballers Podcast Announcer]

Adobe Firefly is the all in one creative studio with AI powered image and video editing for today's creative process. Built for creators of every kind, Firefly helps you generate, edit, and experiment fast because the asks aren't getting smaller, the budgets aren't getting bigger, and the timelines. Oh, yeah, still tight. With all the best creative AI models in one place, Firefly brings your ideas to life. Unlock a better way to make. With Adobe Firefly, it's smart to always

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[Jason]

What time is it? Game time.

[Andy]

I think that's the first time I've watched that drop on video. How'd it look ever? It looked great.

[Jason]

What do you think? I still haven't watched it.

[Andy]

Gas, gas. Goose time now. Mike. Mike it is. Finally.

[Mike]

Yeah, no, I got it.

[Andy]

I mean, I've been down this road, brother.

[Mike]

How does it work? Well, you just put it on your

[Andy]

chin, you wear it like a hat, and you strap it under your chin and.

[Jason]

And you look like a goose.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's great. It's really great.

[Mike]

Is this gonna fit on my gigantic.

[Andy]

I don't know if you can strap it in.

[Jason]

Those goose legs look like they are about to break it to the limit.

[Andy]

You might need to leave those dangling.

[Mike]

Oh, that's real scratchy.

[Andy]

Yeah, you can let them dangle.

[Mike]

I don't know if it'll stay on.

[Jason]

It won't Stay on.

[Mike]

Okay, we're good.

[Andy]

So Mike, for those listening at home, looks ridiculous.

[Jason]

It's got a goose on his head or ridiculous?

[Andy]

No, it's a goose. All right, Al, explain how this game works.

[Jason]

Ridiculous.

[Andy]

We are doing guest. Guest goose.

[Al]

Yes, sir. We pulled a bunch of people and we got the correct answer. If you. All right.

[Jason]

I didn't know I was gonna have to talk today.

[Andy]

Wanna try again?

[Al]

Yeah, sure. Why not?

[Jason]

You're gonna be trying to guess the

[Al]

percentage of people that said, nope, I

[Jason]

don't want to try again.

[Mike]

I got you.

[Jason]

Oh, this is great. No, no, no. The best part is there's no editing allowed. There is no editing allowed. We love you. All right, let's go to the doosers cam here.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

And let's. Third time's the try. How does this game go?

[Al]

We're just going to go straight to the scoring 3 points if you guess the correct answer, 2 points if you are within 5% in each direction, and 1 point to the other people who are guessing higher or lower than what the guesser guessing.

[Jason]

The docers cam is so great right now because you have two people that are so happy. It's unbelievable. I've never seen these two producers look so happy.

[Andy]

Honestly, I think it's five of the six in the room that are pretty happy right now.

[Jason]

Oh, I'm good. All right, so to clarify, you pulled some people and people said what they believe. The average number of whatever this question is going to be is. We found out what the average is. We're going to guess what that average is. One of us. And then the other people are going to have to guess higher up.

[Al]

Just let us play.

[Andy]

Let's play and follow along.

[Al]

That's literally exactly what I said.

[Andy]

All right. Am I reading this?

[Al]

Yes, sir.

[Andy]

Okay. And this is for me to guess. And you guys can decide higher or lower based on the.

[Mike]

Oh, this is a great question.

[Al]

Jason and Mike will be guessing higher or lower. Andy will be guessing a percentage.

[Andy]

How?

[Mike]

Where?

[Andy]

Here it goes. What percentage of people prefer to use the big spoon instead of the small spoon while eating breakfast cereal?

[Mike]

We've been here before.

[Jason]

I mean, how. What percentage of people are stupid?

[Andy]

So this has been a famous discussion point on the show where some of us are more evolved. And then there's these two.

[Jason]

You're team small spoon, too. Yes. Yeah. Good man, Mike.

[Mike]

Yes. Because I'm not a Neanderthal.

[Andy]

The vitriol that has hit social media. What percentage of people use the big spoon instead of the small when eating breakfast cereal? I'M going to say that number is 65%. Use the big spoon.

[Mike]

Oh, that's a good. That's a good answer.

[Andy]

65%.

[Mike]

Because I think we did find out that more people use the big spoon.

[Andy]

And just to clarify the rules, if I get within 5% in either direction. In either direction, I get two points. Two points. And if. And then they get one point if they guess higher or lower.

[Al]

Yep. And if you nail it right on the head, you get three points.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Has that ever happened?

[Al]

Yeah, you did. One time.

[Jason]

Oh, man. Good job.

[Mike]

So, big spoon. You're setting the line at 65%.

[Andy]

I think 65% of people use the big spoon. And then the other 35.

[Mike]

Are you guys all right?

[Jason]

I got mine locked in my.

[Mike]

The problem is I have my. My morals and my principles versus the truth versus what the truth might be. I'm going to go.

[Jason]

I'm going to go higher, and I will take lower. I trust the people.

[Al]

The correct answer is 47%.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay. Team little spoon.

[Jason]

Yeah. That means the majority of people are using the little spoon. They're using the correct spoon. I'm just using the spoon.

[Mike]

Stop calling it the little spoon.

[Andy]

There is some variability between what the big spoon is in the set and the small spoon is in the set.

[Jason]

That's like five guys calling it a little cheeseburger. It's just a full size cheeseburger. You calling it a little cheese? It's just a spoon.

[Mike]

Yeah, exactly. I don't have a little spoon. I have a spoon and I have a big spoon.

[Jason]

Yeah, a little spoon is like a teaspoon. I don't use that.

[Andy]

I hate y'. All.

[Jason]

All right, Mike, you're up.

[Mike]

So, okay, I'm up with Jason.

[Al]

Got one point there. Nothing for Andy and Mike.

[Mike]

All right, my question is, what percentage of people have used sporks more than 10 times.

[Andy]

Wow.

[Mike]

In their lives?

[Andy]

10 times.

[Mike]

That's a lot of sporking.

[Andy]

We're a spork house. We have sporks.

[Mike]

Sporks are great.

[Andy]

They come in handy when you're, like, having a birthday party and you run out of the regular utensils.

[Jason]

All right, I know the numbers.

[Mike]

I just need to know how old these people are.

[Jason]

You think sporks were, like, popular older generations?

[Andy]

No, they feel like kid things.

[Mike]

No, I'm just saying, like, the older you are, the more likely it is that you've used a spork 10 times.

[Andy]

I mean, I guess that's fair. Now, Mike, you need to make the selection.

[Mike]

Yep. I'M going to set my percentage at. Dude, I have no idea.

[Andy]

This one's tough. I'm not jealous.

[Jason]

I wrote down my percentage number.

[Mike]

50%.

[Jason]

Dang.

[Mike]

Sabotage.

[Andy]

Okay, I got my answer locked.

[Jason]

All right, I do too. I wrote 55%, so I guess I'll take the over.

[Andy]

I'll take the lower.

[Al]

The correct answer is 67%.

[Mike]

Whoa. People be sporking.

[Jason]

People be sporking. Yeah.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

Do we ever move away from utensil related things? Because it's not working for me.

[Jason]

Well, we'll move away.

[Al]

That was the last one.

[Jason]

All right, here's the next question. What percentage of people admit feeling obligated to like friends social media posts? How many? So.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

What percentage of people are telling the truth? That's what this question is. What percentage of people admit feeling obligated to like friends social media posts? Okay, I'm gonna go with 75%.

[Mike]

Oh, that's a good guess.

[Andy]

I've got mine figured out.

[Mike]

That's a good guess. You're at 75%. All right, Andy, you can answer.

[Jason]

You just.

[Mike]

You're higher or lower.

[Andy]

I am higher.

[Mike]

I am higher too.

[Andy]

Okay. All right.

[Al]

The correct answer is 62%.

[Andy]

Gosh darn it, I am wearing the goose.

[Mike]

Man, you guys are tired.

[Andy]

Oh, wait, you have no points.

[Al]

No, nobody got any points on that round.

[Andy]

All right, all right.

[Al]

So currently we have Jason with two and you guys with nothing. So I'm shocked. Anybody's game.

[Jason]

It's still way too close.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

I thought it's funny because I went 75% to kind of play the range, but I was going to be in the 80s.

[Andy]

Yeah. My number was 80.

[Jason]

That means a lot of people were lying.

[Andy]

Yeah. All right. What percentage of people have had their shoes shined at an airport?

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Andy]

How many people are 60 and older?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Old timey shoes shined at an airport. What percentage? Oh, boy.

[Mike]

I can't believe those things are still there.

[Andy]

All right, And I have to give the percentage, right?

[Mike]

Yes, you do.

[Andy]

I love a good shoe. 20%.

[Jason]

Oh, okay.

[Andy]

20. Wait, this is only.

[Jason]

I have my answer.

[Andy]

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Point of clarity.

[Jason]

Sure.

[Andy]

I mean, I feel like it's men who get their shoe shine.

[Mike]

It's people.

[Andy]

Are they all being pinged? Like, do I need to cut this in half?

[Jason]

I don't know. I don't know that he has the answer to that.

[Al]

Yes, the percentage is over both genders.

[Andy]

Can I change or am I locked?

[Al]

I'm fine with you changing.

[Andy]

15.

[Mike]

15%.

[Andy]

15%.

[Mike]

Okay, so I will then go higher.

[Jason]

I will go lower.

[Al]

The correct answer is 5%.

[Jason]

Yeah. Yeah, baby. What?

[Mike]

Why do they have them? Why are they.

[Jason]

Because. Because it costs money to get rid of them. It was like they built them a long time ago when they were used, and it's like, we're not doing construction around here yet. Actually, to be honest, I don't. I don't see them recently.

[Andy]

You're part of the 5%.

[Jason]

No, no, I've never. I was trying to get you to go higher so that I.

[Andy]

You've never. You've had to have had.

[Jason]

I've had my shoe shine, but not in an airport. That was so specific.

[Andy]

Oh, at an airport. I really took that as ever.

[Jason]

Oh, no. I would have been part of the 8%.

[Mike]

The amount of shoeshine stations that I have seen at an airport.

[Andy]

They bought them in bulk.

[Mike]

It had.

[Andy]

They bought them a long time ago.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Someone out there is unloading shoeshine stations on people.

[Andy]

I just love how grandiose people love these things. They're just so big. They're like the closest thing to a throne we have anymore.

[Jason]

It is awesome. It is a really cool experience, and it cleans your shoes. But here's the reason. Here's the sole reason why it's not common anymore. We're not wearing shiny shoes, man. You can't just shine my shoes. Like, I. No. None of us in here have shoes that could go be polished right now.

[Andy]

What's funny is if the shoe shine thing actually just offered to like, clean my white Nikes, they needed to pivot. I'd be like, kind of like, all right, cool.

[Mike]

Like, the guys in the mall, do they do that?

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. There's little places that do that. But if the shoe shine people, if the union, if they have such a thing, ever pivoted.

[Andy]

Well, the union's dying off.

[Jason]

We got to stop shining and just start cleaning. It would be like the shoe clean. Mike, you're telling me you wouldn't. Oh, you got an hour to kill at the airport. Hop up there and have some. I might have your Nikes looking fresh.

[Mike]

Yeah, I might do it.

[Jason]

All right, you're up.

[Mike]

Oh, I am. Okay. What percentage of people have urinated in bottles to avoid stopping during road trips?

[Andy]

Say it one more time. I'm sorry.

[Mike]

What percentage of people have urinated in bottles to avoid stopping during road trips?

[Al]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Well, I'm one of them.

[Mike]

I am going to go. I'm going to go 30%.

[Jason]

Okay. I have my answer locked in.

[Andy]

Yeah. I might get a point here. Yeah, we both lower.

[Jason]

Way too high.

[Andy]

I'm thinking it's like a 3% number. Oh, really?

[Al]

The correct answer is 29%.

[Jason]

What?

[Al]

Mike was 1% off.

[Andy]

You're telling me.

[Mike]

I think I get a bonus point for the disgrace that I just faced.

[Andy]

How in the world. Which, by the way, he. And Bottles is also.

[Jason]

Yeah, this is both genders somehow.

[Andy]

Both genders. How are you telling me that that number is 29%?

[Mike]

Because it's not just the driver. It's not the driver I've been in.

[Jason]

No, I know it's not the driver, but our point is, like, look, I've got a family. I've got two girls, three boys in the family. The boys in my family have peed in bottles before. I've never. Never experienced the other. And maybe that's common, but I feel like that cuts 50% out. So now you're actually. If that's true and 50% cuts out, that means the majority of all people have peed in a bottle.

[Andy]

Yeah. This is wild, man. That's a wild one. Now, I still get a point, though, right?

[Jason]

No. Oh, yeah, we both do. We were lower.

[Mike]

Oh, that's bull crap.

[Andy]

But it's over. I'm goosed.

[Mike]

That's bull crap.

[Jason]

No, you guys are t. You guys are tied.

[Andy]

No, Mike just got three.

[Jason]

Well, how did he get three? How did he get 30? No, he said 20.

[Al]

He said he should have gotten two.

[Andy]

Yeah, okay.

[Mike]

I should have got three.

[Jason]

Was that you, Falcon? No, that was Papa Jessica.

[Andy]

All right, I need a chance to

[Mike]

change it to a three.

[Andy]

If you tie. We ruled this, right.

[Mike]

Yeah, there's.

[Andy]

You keep it.

[Jason]

No, no, no, no. You go to overtime.

[Al]

Yes.

[Andy]

Oh, okay. Okay, Jason, is the final question here. I got a.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

What percentage of people, when brushing your teeth, keep the faucet running continuously until they are done?

[Andy]

You can tell Mike's disgusted by these people.

[Mike]

Monsters.

[Jason]

I used to be one of these people.

[Mike]

But then you learned.

[Jason]

Yeah. I mean, it just. There's no why.

[Andy]

Why?

[Jason]

There's no reason.

[Andy]

There's only one reason.

[Jason]

What's the reason?

[Andy]

If you want to get the water hot for washing your face after. I can.

[Mike]

I can accept that. Because that's. You're warming up the water. You're not just wasting water.

[Andy]

My master water. It takes a while.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

I can get that.

[Jason]

Okay. What percentage of people, when brushing their teeth, keep the faucet running continuously? I'm going to go with 30%.

[Mike]

Okay. I'm going to write Mine down. Just to make sure there's integrity for

[Andy]

the show, I have to do the opposite of Mike's. Can that be my official answer?

[Mike]

No, it can't, because you have to guess first. That's why I wrote mine down.

[Jason]

For the integrity of the show. No, this is for Mike to have a chance to not go to the

[Mike]

time I wrote it down. All right.

[Andy]

I hope I guessed the opposite. 30. Lower.

[Mike]

I went lower.

[Andy]

Oh, I'm done. I'm toast. I'm toast.

[Jason]

Well, wait, what was the actual answer?

[Al]

The correct answer is 33%.

[Mike]

I don't care.

[Jason]

All right, so you got proofs. I got more points.

[Mike]

I crushed big time. Look at this guy. Yeah. You don't have to wear it.

[Andy]

Okay, so I'm the goose again.

[Mike]

Jason's never been the goose.

[Andy]

No, three times. Right.

[Jason]

Love this game.

[Andy]

Yeah, you've been nailing it. Although the peeing in the bottle, that's blowing my mind.

[Mike]

All right, it's right where I thought it would be.

[Andy]

I just.

[Jason]

That's shocking.

[Andy]

Let's just take a straw poll in this room real quick. Doosers. Raise your hand if you've peed in

[Mike]

a bottle in a car.

[Jason]

Yeah, let's take another poll. Raise your hand.

[Andy]

I was five, so.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, you did too. We all have the ability. Much easier here.

[Mike]

Yeah. So, I mean, by your math, if you're saying, like, okay, it's about 50, 50 men, women in this world, and every man in this room just said, we've done it.

[Andy]

Yeah. No, he's right.

[Jason]

So that's just 60%. 60% of men means 30%, is that right? Assuming a 50. 50 split of gender. I think the math works out there. So if 60% of men, then that should be 30%. I think that's right. I think my math is right.

[Mike]

Sure, whatever.

[Andy]

Let's take a break. And we'll be back with the draft.

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[Spitballers Podcast Announcer]

The Spitballers Draft.

[Andy]

Well, we'll take our best shot at figuring out things to do when a midlife crisis hits.

[Jason]

This is gonna be tough to figure out.

[Andy]

Yeah, a lot of creativity. Jason, I mean, coincidentally has the first pick in this draft. Things to do.

[Jason]

I think there's a.

[Andy]

And you were the first one to

[Jason]

really reach that point. To reach that breaking point. Yeah, I mean, there's a. I feel like while there is no clear perfect 101, there's a classic answer to this. Like the marker of the midline.

[Andy]

Unfortunately, you are correct.

[Jason]

Is going out there and buying a sports car or whatever obnoxious.

[Andy]

That's how I wrote it, is buy a sports car.

[Jason]

Yeah. I had it written differently. And then it's like. No, it's always referred to as a sports car. We joke a lot that it's a Miata, but that's.

[Andy]

That is the joke I make all the time. It's always a Mazda Miata.

[Jason]

Exactly.

[Andy]

The convertible is.

[Mike]

The.

[Andy]

More it's gotta be the convertible.

[Jason]

Yeah, for sure.

[Mike]

Can they still make a Miata?

[Jason]

No, they can't.

[Andy]

Yeah, they do what I think they do.

[Jason]

People can't fit in that thing. Papa John's were too big. I don't think they make them anymore. He doesn't think.

[Andy]

I don't know.

[Jason]

All right.

[Andy]

I was pretty sure they make them, but they were miniature. And the fact they were convertibles. Just because your head couldn't fit in there with a convertible top down.

[Mike]

I love that, making a car. Like, how many people should we be able to fit in this car? 2.

[Jason]

Is there no back seat? Because I would love to see a human try to sit in the back seat of a Miata.

[Andy]

I think they're two seaters. They used to be, at least.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna go with what I think the. You know what I think happens a lot. And sometimes it's major, and sometimes it's just a little tweak.

[Mike]

Oh, no.

[Andy]

But I'm gonna go with plastic surgery.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'm going plastic surgery.

[Jason]

That wasn't on my list. I just kind of.

[Mike]

Because you haven't Got it yet?

[Jason]

I drew from my own experience.

[Mike]

Should put it on your list.

[Andy]

Yeah, seriously, put it on.

[Mike]

Do you have an on camera job?

[Jason]

Yeah, it's a to do list. Okay, got it.

[Mike]

I can run through all the stuff you should do.

[Jason]

Yeah. Afterwards, I'm going to pick up the free agents.

[Andy]

All right.

[Mike]

No, I meant all the surgeries. You should.

[Andy]

Yeah, he was saying specifics.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Give me that list.

[Mike]

It's a long list after the show.

[Andy]

Yeah. All right, Mike, you've got two picks.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

Sports car and plastic surgery have been taken.

[Mike]

Yep. All right, so the first one, which I have seen many times as I was growing up, as the generation older than me reached into the middle, I saw a lot of them start to get tattoos.

[Jason]

Yeah, on my list. It's on my to do list.

[Andy]

Of course, he comes in tomorrow looking so different.

[Jason]

Yeah. Gonna have a different nose. You can get a 24 Miata neck tattoo.

[Mike]

But the aunts and uncles, they got the tattoos, the tattoos started to flow.

[Andy]

What is the go to tattoo for the midlife crisis? Is it like. Is it supposed to be something, like, arty, or is it, like,

[Mike]

for.

[Andy]

Is it young forever?

[Mike]

For the aunts in my life, it was always something. Flowers.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

All right.

[Andy]

So this feels like you're being a kid again or something.

[Mike]

I don't know. So they get the tattoos, and then we're gonna say, which one do I wanna go with? We're gonna go with. Start working out. Yeah, start working out. Take that. Oh, is that.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

He doesn't need to write that one down.

[Jason]

No, let's check. Checked off the list.

[Andy]

Okay. Okay. That would have been my next pick.

[Mike]

The working out.

[Andy]

The working out one. I'm going to go with the next most. In my opinion, the most prototypical midlife crisis purchase that you can make, which I'm going to go with Buy a boat. I'm going to go with buy a boat.

[Jason]

I'm a boat guy now. Yeah.

[Andy]

I've reached the middle of my life, and it's time to be a boat guy.

[Jason]

I'm a sailor. Okay.

[Andy]

Write that one down.

[Jason]

Yeah. To do Buy a boat.

[Mike]

I thought you were saying you bought a boat.

[Jason]

No, I have not.

[Mike]

Just everything we list.

[Jason]

Yeah. All right, I'm up.

[Andy]

You are Europe.

[Jason]

All right, well, the first one I know it's going to be the other side of Mike's working out, and it's. It's to become a health nut. Yeah. You know, like. Yeah, you're.

[Andy]

I like that language, though. Become a health nut. Yeah. Because I remember inching closer to death.

[Jason]

It's like I remember all the people when I was younger that they just reached an age where they just, they

[Mike]

bought a Nordic tract.

[Jason]

It's not the exercise, it's the diets, the nutrition. It's like, oh, now they're eating only non GMO organic, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now that's me, man. I'm talking to my kids and I'm like, this is how you know I'm going through a midlife crisis. These seed oils are very bad for you. So.

[Andy]

All right, Health nut.

[Jason]

Health nut.

[Andy]

I like it.

[Jason]

I've got one more pick here. And this one is not on the to do list, is dye your gray hair.

[Mike]

Oh, oh, it's not on the list because it's already done.

[Jason]

Because checked off, brother. Oh yeah. This beard is not natural.

[Mike]

What do you do?

[Jason]

I mean, it's mostly, I got like a couple spots.

[Andy]

What do you do if, like, I

[Mike]

have a friend who's just been dyeing their beard since I've known them.

[Jason]

Uh huh.

[Mike]

It wasn't midlife. It was like, it was like young adult.

[Jason]

Then that means that's how their beard grows. That's what it means to me. Like if they've been doing that since they were a young man, that's just what their beard is. And they should keep it up until they're 90. I'm sure they'll fool everyone.

[Andy]

All right, this next one, this next one is not prescriptive, but it is associated with a midlife crisis. So I'm going to pick it. And that's getting a new spouse. Yeah, I mean, that is, that's the unfortunately generic trade up in for another model.

[Mike]

Start dating someone way too young for you.

[Jason]

Swap out the car, swap out the girl. Yeah, midlife.

[Mike]

I don't think you're wrong, unfortunately. So my final two here. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna say start to travel more.

[Jason]

Oh, that's good.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's because you're on the list.

[Mike]

You want to go and see what the world has to offer out there and while you can. Yeah, well. And I mean, you're also at the point where you're like, okay, I'm older, I have some money, maybe I have some time off that I can actually go and do it.

[Jason]

See, I have one on my list that now is very that. But it's specifically solo trips, like a solo camping or backpacking trip.

[Andy]

Because no, like, find yourself on the trail.

[Jason]

Exactly. Like, I need, I need to get out into nature by myself.

[Andy]

Do the Pacific Coast.

[Mike]

But I mean, speaking of free time, for my last one, I will say, quit their job.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. Say, screw this noise. I've wasted my whole life working here.

[Jason]

Yeah. Go get. Go find your dream job.

[Andy]

Yeah. And with that but standalone pick, it works. Go back to school. It's the midlife. Go back to school and do it all over again.

[Jason]

What's up, fellow young kids?

[Andy]

So I'll go with that for my father.

[Mike]

Can you imagine going back, going to college right now, an in person. You go to ASU and you're surrounded by kids who are 20 to 22 years old and you're rolling up in there with your dyed beard, pulling up in your Miata.

[Jason]

I don't know. So I think, here's the truth. I think I would be extremely uncomfortable.

[Mike]

Yeah, you would.

[Jason]

And I think I would love it. Oh, I think, I think it would be like a.

[Andy]

Like when they come up and they're like, yo, gramps, what are we doing?

[Mike]

The young people give you energy.

[Jason]

Yeah, exactly, exactly. I think I would feel young again.

[Andy]

Going, leaving at 7 o' clock at night from the party.

[Mike]

Or would you just feel really old?

[Jason]

I think no, I don't think I would. I think I would feel uncomfortable, but I think I would love it. I think it would make me feel young again.

[Andy]

Okay, well, give it a go.

[Mike]

Write it down.

[Jason]

Sure.

[Andy]

All right, you've got a final asu. You've got a final pick here so far. I'll just run it, run it back while Jason figures his last one out. Mike has get tattoos, start working out, start to travel more and quit your job. I've got plastic surgery. Buy a boat, get a new spouse and go back to school. And Jason has buy a sports car, become a health nut, die them grays

[Jason]

and get a therapist. Nothing like a good midlife crisis to. Hey, if you need a therapist, get a therapist.

[Mike]

Yeah, but you're going to need one

[Jason]

when you turn 40, when you. Well, midlife. It could be 40, it could be 41 whenever for you.

[Andy]

Yeah, it could be any of.

[Mike]

Examine those childhood traumas, man. Work through it.

[Jason]

It's time to work through being old.

[Andy]

The only. I mean, literally everything on my entire list got checked off by you guys in your picks except for one which was just become nostalgic. I mean, I don't even know if that's a midlife crisis thing.

[Mike]

I had change your wardrobe.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, yeah. You might start turn those Ls into XLs.

[Jason]

Gonna have those graphic tees.

[Mike]

Well, yes, I meant like showing up younger man's clothes. Start a new hobby.

[Jason]

Yeah, for sure.

[Andy]

A new sport. Like pickleball.

[Jason]

Yeah, I have. Go skydiving.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Something to make you feel.

[Andy]

Bungee jumping.

[Mike]

How do you feel alive?

[Jason]

Become a golfer. Which is. That might be the hobby. Or. My final one was, well, no, I got to start becoming a conspiracy theorist. That's about the.

[Andy]

That's about the.

[Jason]

That's about the point in your life where you could start buying in all these theories. And then the only other one. Did you check that box yet? No, I haven't checked that box yet. But the box I have, but I'm hearing good things, is build a chicken coop and buy a baker's dozen baby chicks for farm fresh eggs, baby.

[Andy]

Yeah. I don't know who would do that.

[Jason]

No. What did we learn today?

[Andy]

Oh, what did I learn today?

[Jason]

I learned that I am a great guesser of public opinion.

[Andy]

Yeah. I learned I'm the goose again. And I'm taking notes on this midlife crisis thing. I need to check them off.

[Mike]

I learned that people do race on zebras.

[Jason]

They've done it for a very short while.

[Andy]

They've done it well, to be fair, when they ride bulls, it's for a very short while.

[Mike]

Yeah, fair.

[Andy]

That'll do it for today's episode. Back next week. Goodbye, everybody.

[Mike]

Goodbye.

[Jason]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com.

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[Jason]

Stop. This is Simplisafe. Police are on the way.

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