Spitballers Comedy Podcast
Episode: Ghost Poops & Best Tom Hanks Characters - Spit Hits!
Release Date: April 30, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason
Episode Overview
This episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast dives joyously into classic spitballing territory: the difference between types of bodily functions (with much debate and laughter about “ghost poops”), quirky “Would You Rather” dilemmas, playful language distinctions, and culminates in an epic draft of the best Tom Hanks characters. As always, hosts Andy, Mike, and Jason riff their way through ridiculous hypotheticals with wild tangents, dad-joke energy, and hilarious debates—with a little genuine life wisdom snuck in for good measure.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Opening Scat & Banter (01:39 – 03:30)
- The episode kicks off with Andy’s attempt at the show’s signature improvised “scat,” to which Mike jokes: “There was no soul…No, that’s what I’m saying. It was just—there was no heart.” (02:17)
- The trio immediately gets into playful criticism of Andy’s musical ‘skills’ and introduces the main segments for the show.
2. Would You Rather: Time-Travel Powers (03:30 – 15:10)
Premise:
Choose one time-travel ability:
- Go back 30 seconds every 10 minutes.
- Go back 1 day every 15 days.
- Go back 10 years every 30 years.
Highlights & Arguments:
- Lively debate about the merits and headaches of each time-travel power, with a strong focus on paradoxes and pop culture references.
- Jason brings up the inevitable time-travel “paradox problem”:
"You're going to kill the 30-year-old version of yourself and have a horrible surprise for your wife being 10 years older when you walk in." (05:00)
- Investment schemes and butterfly effects pop up immediately; Andy jokes about gaming the stock market, until Jason insists that “for once, take away the financial gain from the equation.” (07:08)
- Mike points out the utility of brief time jumps:
"How many conversations…there's that thing you're like, I want to say this right now...but, you know, for just humanity, kindness, the relationship, you're like, I can't say this because this will fracture the freedom..." (09:28)
- Andy and Jason discuss using longer jumps for personal growth or tragedy prevention (parenting, medical checks, wisdom):
Andy: “I think I could become a better person, a better father…” (13:27)
- Final choices:
- Jason: “I say enough dumb stuff. I’m taking the 30 seconds.” (12:24)
- Andy: “I’m definitely going 10 years.” (13:06)
- Mike: Stuck between options but sides with the practical, short-term use.
3. Would You Rather: Gross Food Edition (15:14 – 20:02)
- 32 oz. glass of milk through a sour punch straw vs. 2 Reese’s filled with mayo
- The hosts immediately pick the milk, noting the second option is “just disgusting.”
- Jason: “I might do this tonight.” (15:53)
- Side Tangent: Jason insists you can die from drinking a gallon of milk, much to Andy and Mike’s skepticism—cue playful “Internet Doctor” debate. (16:34)
- Mayo-defending moment:
Andy: “Mayo is like a base for so many things that you eat and you love and it’s delicious…Tartar sauce is just mayo and relish!” (18:01)
- Mention of new PB&J Reese’s Cups launches another joke tangent about snack innovations. (19:02)
4. Would You Rather: Neck or Eyes Frozen? (20:15 – 24:24)
- Would you rather have your neck frozen (like 1989 Batman) but eyes move or your eyes fixed but neck moves?
- Jason: “What a dumb question…Who wrote this in?” (21:39)
- After acting out the scenarios, they agree that fixed neck but moving eyes is the lesser evil, especially for practical things like driving.
- Side debate: Modern car cameras reduce the need to turn your head.
- Andy: “I use my eyes, too, on the camera…” (23:55)
5. What's the Difference? (27:10 – 43:13)
5.1 Poop, Dump, Turd (27:44)
- Size and quantity distinctions:
- Dump = the largest; "You don’t take a small dump." (27:55)
- Poop = generic, average; the emoji icon. (28:38)
- Turd = singular, nugget-like, small; “If you have a turd, you would never call that a dump. It’s not big enough.” (28:25)
- “Ghost poop” and “no-wipers” covered with alarming specificity. (30:47)
- Andy: “The ghost poop—that’s one of my favorite and hardest to achieve.” (30:48)
- Mike: “Ultimate no-wipers, man. I’m glad you probably are.” (31:38)
5.2 Friend, Buddy, Chum (33:38)
- Friend: Deeper connection, more activities together.
- Buddy: Less close, maybe only one shared activity (“pickleball buddy”).
- Chum: “I don’t have a chum…Not once in my life.” (35:26) (Usually British, or “shark bait” jokes.)
- Jason: “All friends are buddies, but not all buddies are friends. And none of them are chums.” (35:11)
5.3 Nook, Cranny, Crevice (37:15 – 40:39)
- Nook: A divot or “reading nook”—a small, cozy space within one thing.
- Cranny: Teeny, tiny crack, smaller than a crevice; “a small crack or crevice.” (39:50)
- Crevice: Larger, vertical opening between two objects.
5.4 Path, Trail, Walkway (40:44 – 43:13)
- Trail: Always outdoor, dirt/rocks, narrow, “two people wide.” (42:46)
- Path: More formal, often paved, in-between.
- Walkway: Even more formal, artificial, “electrified or automated walkway” (e.g. airport).
- “If it’s paved, it’s not a trail.” (42:12)
6. The Spitballers Draft: Best Tom Hanks Characters (46:10 – 62:23)
Draft Order & Picks
Andy
- Forrest Gump (“Forrest Gump”) – [46:46]
- Walt Disney (“Saving Mr. Banks”) – [54:21]
- Captain Miller (“Saving Private Ryan”) – [55:23]
- Robert Langdon (“Da Vinci Code”) – [59:43]
Jason
- Woody (“Toy Story” series) – [47:13]
- Chuck Nolan (“Cast Away”) – [53:15]
- Josh Baskin (“Big”) – [56:10]
- Jim Lovell (“Apollo 13”) – [58:01]
Mike
- Carl Hanratty (“Catch Me If You Can”) – [48:52]
- Michael Sullivan (“Road to Perdition”) – [49:47]
Mike speaks passionately:
“Catch Me If You Can is a perfect movie. And Tom Hanks is so good and so very funny in that movie.” (49:06)
- Jimmy Dugan (“A League of Their Own”) – [56:50]
- David S. Pumpkins (SNL) – [57:21]
Mike: “100% David S. Pumpkins, baby!” (57:27)
Honorable Mentions & Tangents
- Mr. Rogers (“A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood”) – Not picked, but discussed.
- Paul Edgecomb (“The Green Mile”), Captain Sully (“Sully”), Mr. White (“That Thing You Do”), Captain Phillips (“Captain Phillips”), Professor G.H. Dorr (“The Ladykillers”; discussed at [61:23])
- The trio bemoans Tom Hanks’ “Da Vinci Code” mullet as “ruining a movie.”
Memorable Quotes & Moments
Notable Timestamps
- Opening Scat & Show Intro: 01:39 – 03:30
- Would You Rather: Time Travel: 03:30 – 15:10
- Would You Rather: Milk v. Mayo Reese’s: 15:14 – 20:02
- Would You Rather: Neck vs. Eye Freeze: 20:15 – 24:24
- What's the Difference (multiple): 27:10 – 43:13
- Best Tom Hanks Characters Draft: 46:10 – 62:23
Podcast Tone & Style
- Playful, irreverent, and family friendly: Endless puns, scatological humor, and playful arguments mixed with surprisingly thoughtful logic.
- Engaged with audience: Frequently acknowledge and riff on questions from Patreon and fans.
- Freewheeling and self-deprecating: Running gags about age, dad life, and each other’s quirks.
Summary
If you want a laugh-filled, lighthearted listen with a mix of dads being silly, debating hypotheticals, and lovingly roasting pop culture, this Spitballers episode is a must. The “poop debates” are gross-out classics, the “Would You Rathers” spark surprisingly detailed discussions about life, and the Tom Hanks character draft is both nostalgic and fiercely conducted. You’ll walk away knowing the vital difference between a trail and a path—and possibly inspired to hold your own Tom Hanks movie marathon (just don’t do it while eating a mayo-filled Reese’s).
