
On today’s episode we discuss the merits and measurements of golden geese, figure out what to do with yard poopers in Life Advice and wrap things up with a Best Places to Host a Private Party Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!
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Mike
Aruba loves you. Seriously, like, the entire island. You don't believe me? Then visit it and you'll see. The beaches will soothe you with warming love. The water will heal you with cleansing love. The food will fill you with delicious, delicious food love. And the people, well, they offer the warmest love of all. That's a lot of love. Hope you like feeling incredible basically the entire time you're there. Just be sure to return the favor. So go ahead and meet Aruba, and then love Aruba. Plan your trip today@aruba.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason
Andy
Blibbity. Blop, blop, blop.
Commercial Announcer
Come on.
Mike
Oh. Oh, my God.
Andy
Whoops and doozles, everybody.
Jason
He hit a wall.
Mike
Oh, that makes me so happy.
Jason
He's not impervious.
Mike
Oh, wait, I missed. Oh, nope.
Andy
Did you.
Jason
Did you guys see the most recent failure of the Star Spangled Banner?
Andy
No.
Jason
Did you catch this?
Andy
We had another one. We had a disaster of that proportion. Did they just stop?
Jason
Oh. Oh, yeah. She messed up a note in the middle of it, and then she used some language into the mic. Yeah. Oh, she goes, oh, I messed it up. Oh, oh, oh, no. And then she resumes. Then she gets to another part that she starts to mess up.
Andy
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Jason
I'm so nervous. Oh, no.
Mike
Oh.
Jason
And then she collapsed, and then she finished it. So I don't know if later on. Yeah, she asked if she can restart, but it was. You can hear them going, it's live. And then she just keeps going.
Mike
Outside of pissing your pants in that moment, I don't know that you can do much worse. That's like my. You know, my kids do theater. I did theater growing up. There's always the thing of, like, if you forget your line or whatever, you just got to kind of go on. What happened with your scat was the equivalent of, like, I don't remember my line. And you run off stage. You're like, no.
Andy
Nope, I would. Ashley Simpson did the. Oh, yeah, I did. I just did an Irish jig off the side. But this poor. That poor woman that makes me feel so bad. But also like what I'm trying to think. How do you phrase the question as a musician, right. I know that there's a little like you can get like, hey, I'm singing the anthem to open the Super Bowl. Okay, that one I get. There's so many eyes on you. That's massive publicity. But like for.
Jason
Oh, you're saying upside. What's the upside?
Mike
What?
Andy
Yeah, what is. What do you stand to gain except for at the done. The like at the end of it you're like, thank God I made it through and that is done.
Mike
Oh no, there's some. I mean that is. That's an all time achievement award. That's like what do you stand to gain at throwing out a ball at the beginning of a baseball game? You can mess up. You can go out there and you throw out the first pitch. It's like I can screw up. The best case scenario is I just completed. But the thing is, is I say I got to throw out the first pitch.
Jason
Yeah, but you know what? You wouldn't do that at. You wouldn't like turn your life upside down to go throw the first pitch out at a single. A baseball game. You do it at an MLB game.
Mike
Of course. I'm way too big for.
Andy
Come on.
Jason
This is what. But like this singer was like some C span political event that she's the one singing for. I'm just saying do you love. Do you get to trade in like can you trade in five small performances for one medium performance and can you do five mediums to get to a ball game and five ball games for the super bowl or what? How's that work?
Andy
It's an incredibly. If you don't sing, it's a hard song to sing. It's an incredibly difficult song. And having an acapella scared out of your mind and you're in a. I mean you might be in an uncontrolled environment for what. How are you hearing yourself? Things can go wrong. They're saying there's. There is very little to gain.
Jason
And if you're at a ball game, the speakers are always delayed.
Andy
Delayed like getting the slap back of the sound.
Jason
So you've got to nail it with like a monitor. Right? I mean.
Andy
Oh yeah, I assume most of them have in ears. But just overall like oh no, I messed up like the downs.
Mike
It's.
Andy
I guess there's some upside, but I just, I'm weighing everything is risk, reward. The risk of something going really wrong is so much Higher than something going, right? And then a good benefit to your Life.
Jason
You can 4D chest the thing and mess it up on purpose and get
Andy
this kind of just get the publicity.
Mike
Oh, yeah. Catapult yourself to whatever kind of fame you can get. Grasp. But I've always wondered this. It's been a genuine question, like, if all the people, the halftime performer or the national anthem singer, they. They got to get free tickets to the event, right? They're not just like, okay, you come in through the back door and then you leave and you don't get to watch.
Jason
You think they do it for the ticket.
Mike
But I'm wondering what that ticket is, because could you imagine if it's like, super nosebleed, and you go down, you
Jason
see the national anthem, hers became nosebleed.
Mike
You sing the national anthem, it's based
Andy
off of how good you do.
Mike
You're up. You're up. There in the city, they've got. We've got 12 seats from top to
Jason
bottom, and you got 12 notes you got to hit.
Andy
So.
Mike
But. But I feel like if I was in the cheap seats, the top row of the upper deck and whatever, and I'm at. I'm at this game or whatnot. And then about five minutes after the game starts, you know, he comes walking up the. The person who sang the national anthem and comes and sits next to me, I'd be like, oh, man, they did you dirty.
Andy
Like, hey, you did really good.
Mike
Oh, that would be.
Jason
I think the national anthem singing, that must just be like, one of the benchmarks of being a singer. Like, if you have the opportunity to do that, you do it because you're a singer for sure.
Mike
Like, I know my kids would love to sing the national anthem at a ball game, any kind of. They don't like baseball because they're smart, and they would.
Jason
When we had that, it was the COVID year, but we were actually supposed to throw out the first pitch. At a Diamondback season, we were, the three of us, we were scheduled, and it was on the calendar. And then Covid hit and, you know, our chance for publicity went out the door. But I thought many times, like, what can I say? What can the three of us do to get on Sports Center? That's what my thought process was. It wasn't, can we throw three strikes? It was, what can I do to get on SportsCenter? What could we. What could we come up with throwing
Andy
out the first pitch? I mean, we would have to do, like, a full three students.
Jason
Use the worst.
Mike
I'd swap the Ball for a tomato. You know what I mean? I get that ball, I wind up Reaching that pocket.
Jason
1931.
Mike
Reaching that pocket. Get a. Okay. An onion. I don't know.
Andy
What do you want? Wait, it's better.
Mike
Tomatoes are old. In class.
Andy
It's a modern vegetable.
Jason
Was an old school thing in my head.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
All right, moving forward.
Andy
What is that? A tomato.
Mike
Would you rather I just.
Jason
I see people throwing tomatoes at like street performers in medieval times.
Andy
Yeah, that's what I was thinking. The dude is in the. I don't know what.
Jason
The marionette or.
Mike
I was talking about the.
Andy
Your head and your hands are through the wood stocks.
Mike
Stocks. Yeah. You remember those? Yeah.
Andy
You're getting.
Jason
But we turn to the Josh for the middle.
Andy
I feel like Josh is my random trivia guy.
Jason
Yeah, that's fair.
Mike
I don't know how I feel when I think of, you know, tomatoes being thrown. I only think of Fozzie. Is that his name?
Jason
Did he throw out tomatoes?
Mike
That's not medieval times.
Andy
He is more like a banana. Banana cream pie.
Mike
No, he's tomatoes. It's like always tomatoes.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
He got that from the Middle Ages. All right. Would you rather Cedric from Patreon, the local wizard, just shortened Earth.
Andy
Oh, he's back.
Jason
Shortened Earth's years by one month. So it's an 11 month year. Which month would you rather get rid of? July or August?
Andy
Oh, so we.
Jason
Okay, that's weird.
Mike
It's weird because you're naming two very similar months.
Jason
Yeah. Why isn't this just. Which month would you get rid of?
Mike
Or even if it's like totally different seasons where it's like, do you want to get rid of November?
Andy
Cut a month of the season?
Mike
Or, you know, June. And it's like, oh, yeah, the hotter the cold. This is like you want.
Jason
This is our two months of inferno in Arizona. It's July and August. Just pure. Yeah. Mount Doom from corridor.
Mike
Can we just combine them? Can we say both?
Andy
That'd be great.
Mike
Yes, please, is the answer.
Jason
I will say this for children. Those are the two months, month and a half that they have off from school.
Sponsor Voice
And they'd keep July.
Jason
So they would keep July and they'd get rid of August. July also has a national holiday. August has none.
Mike
August for us. And you know, this question is posed to us. The wizard isn't asking anyone there. You know, he's asking us three gentlemen and man, August is a busy month for us. We go to five shows a week on the main footballers cut out of work a little early that. Oh, man, That's a hard month.
Jason
The paychecks are going to be the same without August.
Mike
That's a good point.
Andy
That's a good point.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
I mean, weather wise, July is out for me.
Jason
That's. You would get rid of July.
Sponsor Voice
Yeah, July.
Jason
I feel like August is always worse.
Mike
I think they're identical. I could not tell you which month.
Andy
I think July is. Is hotter. Slightly hotter. I mean we just had that run of.
Jason
I was going to say August is where you set the record. You started in July.
Andy
Yeah, but the. It's hotter in July to me and then. But we still get our. A bit of the monsoon weather. So it's. It's humid and muggy in the desert, but it's also 110 degrees.
Jason
But it never actually rains.
Andy
It never actually rains.
Mike
I think the thing is, is by August you're just even more sick of it. So you're just feeling the mental burden of non stop heat in a place where human beings shouldn't be.
Jason
July is technically one degree hotter, one degree hotter than August, historically. But again, we're saying.
Mike
I thought you were saying August was worse.
Andy
No, no, no.
Jason
He was saying July.
Andy
I'm just out.
Jason
This is rather myopic. I mean, we're in Arizona. If you could just objectively. Let's go. For other reasons other than temperature for a moment. Let's examine 12 months of the year. One of them's got to go. Are there other pragmatic reasons? Like obviously if you ditch December, it'd be less expensive.
Andy
You know what, it was a 30. 30 day, right?
Mike
Dude, I don't know.
Andy
I gotta do that. I didn't want to do the knuckles.
Mike
Wait, hold on, hold on. April, June and knuckle trick where you count your knuckles. I know that that exists.
Andy
April, May, June, July. You got a. Oh, wait, no, you
Jason
got a knuckle to knuckle.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
August. It's August 31st.
Andy
They both have 31st.
Mike
Okay, so I wanted to ask. There's six of us in this room, three deucers, three, you know, real men here. How many of us know how to do the knuckle trick to count how many days? Okay, so Mike and Andy both say they know how. Even though you just, you just gave an example of it seemed like you had no idea what you were.
Andy
No, no, no.
Jason
He said you got enough.
Andy
He was saying double and. But the way I do it is one hand and I double count or as in like I go one direction and then I start from the edge and go back. Okay, so we're doing the same thing.
Jason
What's the point of your inquiry?
Mike
I just was curious because I never learned that, and I see people do that. To know how many days are in a month.
Jason
It's not complicated. Put your fist together.
Andy
You're done.
Jason
You're done.
Mike
You did that. Done. I don't know what to count.
Jason
You just count the knuckles.
Mike
One, two, three. No, I see eight knuckles.
Jason
Start with the beginning of the year on the. The higher knuckle means 31 days.
Mike
Okay, so January will be 31.
Jason
And then that lower means it's not. It's either 30 or in Febr. Okay, so it's the lower.
Mike
But I've still got to know how many days are in that month. No, you in February, because it's not
Jason
that you can learn things.
Mike
That's the one. This is not easy, gentlemen.
Jason
Everything else is 30 or 31.
Andy
Sure it is.
Mike
I give up at 2.
Andy
Well, sometimes 25. You had 40.
Jason
How old are you? 50. You had 40 something years to learn how many days in February?
Mike
I don't need any because I just go, hey, Siri, how many days?
Jason
Oh, my gosh.
Mike
I mean, why do you need to.
Andy
You didn't have Siri 15 years ago.
Mike
You need to know how many days 15 years.
Jason
Know anything? Because we can find the information.
Mike
No, that's legit. I know. Yes, it is fully legit.
Jason
You could have found stuff when you were a kid with the encyclopedia, but that would have taken work.
Mike
Andy, how well do you know your multiplication facts right now?
Jason
Perfectly. Very well. Perfect.
Andy
Perfectly.
Mike
Okay. 8 times 6? 48, that's correct. 7 times 3? No, that's easy.
Jason
21.
Mike
Okay. I'm trying to give you.
Andy
Stop swinging up to 12. I'm pretty good.
Mike
But are you saying that it's important in today's day and age that you know your multiplication?
Jason
It's helpful. Yeah. It's kind of like if you have little bits of information all over the place, it creates a web of what we call intelligence. Tell me more. And knowing things and being intelligent does aid you at times. Stay in school, kids. But use Siri if you. If you need to. All right, whatever. Is there another reason to get rid of another month?
Andy
I have those two. I have no other idea I'd get rid of.
Jason
If you want one, get rid of February. Then you know that every month is
Andy
at least 30 or 31.
Jason
Maybe that'll straighten it out for you.
Mike
I'll do that. But it's so nice.
Andy
Can we borrow a day? Can February like.
Jason
Oh, can we?
Andy
Why Are we. Why are some 30 and 31.
Jason
Keep the double knuckles in the middle. Make July and August just 30 each, and then February becomes 30.
Mike
But then the knuckles don't work.
Jason
No, you don't need the knuckles, then.
Mike
I mean, that's what I've been saying. You got Google. You don't need a knuckles.
Jason
Where am I and what time is it?
Sponsor Voice
If we.
Andy
If we actually do some averaging out, can you. Can you work it up so that it's like we get February up to 30 and then a couple. And then the three months in the summer have 31 or something? You can mathematically work. Does anybody know?
Jason
Nobody knows who made the months, so
Andy
we're allowed to petition. That was the Mayans the least popular
Jason
month for tourism in the entire year. Do you want to know what that is?
Andy
Is this in the United States?
Jason
This is in the United States, the least popular month for activities.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
Do you know the month?
Mike
Can I guess?
Jason
That is the inquiry.
Mike
Yeah, I would say September.
Jason
Okay, Mike, do you want to take your shot?
Andy
That's a really good guess.
Mike
Thanks, man.
Andy
January.
Jason
It is January because people start cold weather. Yeah. It's all new budgets.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
And then just.
Jason
People just spend money.
Mike
Yeah, they just did all the.
Andy
And they're in the gym.
Mike
Christmas travels. Oh, that's true. They can't leave. They've got a new routine they're going to stick with this year.
Jason
All right, next question. Amanda from Twitter, would you rather have Scooby Doo or Brian Griffin as your family? Peter,
Andy
that Brian Griffin's the dog from family.
Mike
That is easy.
Jason
I mean the talking one. Oh, they both talk.
Andy
One of them. One of them is annoying. Well, which one's annoying?
Mike
That one. Oh, okay. I mean, Scooby Doo. I don't understand how that cartoon was ever popular or enjoyable. The whole thing is. I mean, it might as well be olden days. Dora the Explorer. It's just so. The characters are annoying. It's just not. It's not a pleasurable cartoon.
Andy
Shaggy. Zoinks.
Mike
Yeah, exactly. He's just annoying to me. Those two. They're supposed to be lovable and funny.
Andy
Yeah, they are.
Mike
They're not funny. They're just not funny. They're just in the.
Jason
There are a handful of shows as a kid that were popular that I just didn't really understand why they were.
Andy
Because one of them.
Jason
The Muppets are another one.
Andy
Well, Scooby Doo was. We were. I think we were too old for Scooby Doo. Like, when did that actually stop? The original Scooby Doo.
Jason
So, like, Josh must have been into it.
Andy
Yeah, for sure.
Jason
Josh, did you like Scooby Doo?
Mike
It was okay.
Andy
Yeah, but I'm saying that's his way
Mike
of saying, dude, I watch that every day.
Andy
I think Scooby Doo reruns were going on while our new cartoons. They were showing it to us. But if. For. In terms of it wasn't funny because that show was old, it might have been funny. Humor changes. So there may be. It may have been a time that Scooby Doo was funny to kids.
Mike
That's fair. That's fair.
Andy
But then we.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
You know what happened? Ninja Turtles and Transformers showed up, and we're like, scooby Doo, this dude sucks.
Mike
Things got funnier. And then old funny was like, well, that's lame.
Andy
And it's old. I mean, stuff for kids has to age rapidly. Yeah.
Jason
Okay. Well, I. You know, I didn't really connect with either of these, so I guess I'll just take Scooby Doo because I feel like he solves problems, and I don't think Brian Griffin does that.
Andy
Brian Griffin, Genius. Yeah, he's. He could probably be. Make you feel real bad about yourself. Yeah, yeah.
Jason
Just a little. Little Scooby. Little.
Andy
Like a fake sophistication.
Mike
I'll take Scooby out back behind the shed.
Jason
All right.
Andy
Oh, come on.
Jason
All right.
Andy
I'll keep it. Scooby.
Jason
Eli from the website. Jason, would you rather be able to collect the pot of gold at the end of any rainbow you see or have a goose that lays golden eggs?
Mike
Oh, that is an easy goose.
Jason
How many eggs does a goose lay per year?
Mike
I would guess.
Jason
And how big is a pot?
Andy
Yeah, the pot of gold. That's a great question.
Jason
It's not. You know, it takes time to drive to a place that's going to convert gold into money. So I'm going to. If I have a goose dropping it, I can't spin the egg at the store. So I got to take the eggs to a gold conversion place. Right. That turns them into money.
Mike
You want to know where the end of the rainbow is? Not on the roads. It doesn't just end.
Andy
You're going on an adventure.
Mike
You've got to find it. And it's way over there.
Jason
And, I mean.
Mike
And honestly, I don't think you can ever get there. I think that's the point. Like, the way that the light works
Jason
in this one, you can. Yes, Jason, you can't get to the bottom of a rainbow and look up and see the rest of the.
Andy
That is 100%. The point is, you can never actually get to the edge of a rainbow because it's just perspective where you're standing here.
Jason
I'm gonna throw this out there, Jake, because again, knowledge. I'm not sure that geese can lay golden eggs.
Andy
So that's also.
Jason
We're gonna pretend both of them are true for the question.
Mike
They do lay eggs. Here's the thing. Let's say now I've got to invest in some off road vehicle.
Andy
Right.
Mike
I've got to buy something.
Andy
Yeah. You got money in before you can get money out.
Mike
Exactly. But then that's a pot. But that's the pot I get there. Right. And there's this giant pot of gold.
Andy
But what is.
Mike
How am I loading that up? How am I lifting that into my vehicle?
Jason
Buy the right vehicle. Yeah.
Mike
What is it? Bring a trailer. But you gotta pick it off the ground. You ever lifted a pot full of gold? Okay.
Jason
Hire a guy. You got a pot of gold, man,
Andy
you're gonna need a trailer. And you're gonna have to get a bobcat.
Mike
Yeah. You're gonna have to jack the thing up. But it's so much investment to get started.
Andy
But I'm saying, we always say it's a pot of gold. But then the legend, at least for us dumb Americans, oh, it's a leprechaun. Well, is it a pot of gold sized for a leprechaun? Because that would be a gold coin.
Mike
Well, but you could pick it up.
Andy
Yeah. That would not be a problem. I was putting that thing in my pocket. That doesn't have value.
Jason
From what I understand from my very advanced research I just did, if you assume that at the end of the rainbow, there is a large cauldron, that pot. Right. It looks like a cauldron. A pot. According to my sources, they think that would hold about 8,000 pounds of gold.
Mike
Good luck.
Andy
Yeah. How are you getting that on?
Jason
So listen, the practical of getting that, that would be worth. I'm getting the current price of gold right now. Canadian geese, $245 million of gold. Does that change your little.
Mike
Ooh.
Jason
I've got a little bit of an issue getting it to sell it.
Mike
Canadian geese lay one egg every one
Andy
to two days during laying season is what I'm seeing. So it says geese lay around 20 to 50 eggs per season.
Mike
Chinese geese can lay up to 90 to 100 eggs.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
Per year.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
You ain't getting no Chinese goose, man.
Mike
I'm getting a golden goose. It's got to be better.
Andy
I think I'm sweeping With the golden egg.
Jason
I'm looking. I'm looking into it right now.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
Unfortunately, I got the actual cost of a goose egg, which is three to ten dollars.
Andy
Hold on.
Jason
How much is a goose?
Andy
Or how big?
Jason
I've got the density of it all.
Mike
We got to go volume, weight. It's a value.
Jason
Here we go. A goose egg is worth about $133,000.
Mike
Just a goose egg. That's a crop.
Andy
I got to get a goose.
Mike
Got to get some geese, man. Dude, now I know how people smell.
Jason
I just told you. Those are three to ten dollars. This is $133,000 for a golden goose egg or $245 million. I only have to do the work. What. How many rainbows we getting per year? What's the rainbow per year in Arizona? 1.
Andy
I think you only get one rainbow.
Jason
Al, will you help us?
Andy
I thought in this question, the question
Mike
says every rainbow you see, but the math would.
Jason
I would say we could alter the
Mike
question to one rainbow.
Andy
One rainbow or unlimited eggs? Bird in hand versus bird in the bush?
Jason
Okay, so then you've got to take these eggs. You got daily work, or you got work One time?
Mike
I got daily excitement, man.
Jason
Is he going to lay one? Yep.
Andy
Do you think.
Mike
Yeah, no. I'd be opening that. That little egg crate, and I go, okay.
Jason
All right. It would take 1831 golden goose eggs to equal the weight of the gold in the large cauldron.
Mike
Okay, so, like, What. What's that, three or four years?
Jason
1,000. How many do they weigh?
Andy
We'll just say 50 or.
Jason
I mean, how many do they lay per year?
Mike
That's 50 eggs per year.
Andy
Yeah. Let's go 50 eggs.
Jason
Okay.
Andy
This is why you learn how to
Jason
do that 36.62 years. Years. Or as you said, a couple.
Andy
Couple years. Just a couple. Here. There. Thanks, Siri. I'm gonna go with the rainbow.
Mike
I'll take the rainbow.
Jason
I'm going rainbow. All right, we'll take a break. We'll get into some life advice.
Mike
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Mike
It's.
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Mike
Spitballers to the rescue.
Jason
I was searching for the button. I was looking. I was looking for the button. I found it because we're getting serious. So I don't want to, you know,
Andy
when we give not hit the button.
Jason
When we give life advice, we want to really take this show down a notch. This ain't saying about golden geese. This ain't about rainbows.
Mike
It was about helping people.
Jason
It's about helping people with everyday situations that are serious. And I think this is a good time that we do that.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
So just stop laughing.
Mike
We appreciate you writing in and sharing whatever difficulty you're going through. We are here for you.
Jason
And that's why we'll turn to Denise.
Mike
All right. Denise. What?
Jason
Because it's probably hard for her to write in.
Mike
Let me thank you for your bravery, Denise.
Jason
My husband and I have been noticing frequent dog poop in our front yard.
Mike
Very serious front yard.
Jason
Every time we remove it, another dump shows up.
Mike
It's good that it's dog poop, though.
Jason
Now we don't have a dog. Denise doesn't have a dog. So we installed a ring cam to see where it's coming from. Turns out it is our next door neighbor.
Andy
Their dog.
Jason
Their dog.
Mike
We're going to assume their dog because it said it's dog poop.
Jason
Every morning she walks out of her house right over to our grassroots, the dog where her dog poops and pee.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
Otherwise that ring video is a problem.
Jason
They then continue on their morning walk. What is the best way to approach this? The neighborhood has a poop habit with their own pet.
Mike
Oh, this is. I feel like there's an easy first step. I mean, I don't know that it will solve your problem. Is anyone that is doing a daily dog walk in the morning, you know that. That is at a time right? There is. There is a. You know, they wake up at six, they have their coffee.
Andy
It's usually on a schedule.
Mike
It's 6:30 is when they walk the dog. So I would look back day after day after day and say, oh, they get there around 8:32 in the morning. So about 8:33 in the morning is when my sprinklers be coming on. You know what I mean? Enjoy.
Jason
You want to wet the poop, dude?
Andy
I want before they get there.
Mike
Oh, that's maybe harder.
Jason
He did it a minute after for some reason.
Mike
I wanted to do poop. I wanted to. I wanted to have the lady and the dog get soaked.
Andy
Well, but is the lady going in the grass?
Jason
Motion sensor sprinklers.
Andy
Okay, all right. That's a better idea.
Mike
Motion floodlights. Would that be enough? I guess not. If it's bright outside, wouldn't do much. But if it's still early in the morning, you know, trying to sneak that
Jason
poo, you're in rare form today, Jay. Listen, this is. This is not okay. That.
Andy
No, it's not okay for you.
Jason
If the neighbors bring a bag, does poop in the yard, pick it up yourself. Don't leave the poop for your. For the owner of the yard to have to clean up.
Mike
Could you install. You know, you go to, like, the little community field, there's always that, like, post with.
Andy
Oh, right there with the dog disposal.
Mike
It's got the little bags and the little trash can. You just install it.
Jason
You can, but you're basically saying, please poop here.
Mike
I think if my dog was constantly doing that. And then the next day I walk and I see that, I'd be like, thank you.
Andy
Oh, I would.
Jason
Thanks for the convenient bag.
Mike
I'd start, they don't want the bag. Obviously they want to leave it.
Jason
Maybe they did. Maybe they can't afford it.
Mike
Maybe they think they're doing something nice. Maybe they're like the fertilizer. This helps the yard.
Jason
If you don't clean the poop up, how many piles? Like, how big will the pile get? Because if the dog always poops there, will there be, like, two, three, four, like, multiple piles and the neighbor will never clean it up?
Mike
No, this neighbor is not a kind neighbor.
Jason
So then you poop in their yard.
Andy
Alternatively, the petty thing to do is. Is every. You get yourself a good sized box. Yep. You put every one of these dog poops in the box, and then holiday season rolls around, you wrap that thing up.
Mike
Ding dong.
Jason
See, I started out agreeing. This is not the direction I was.
Andy
I said it was petty. But you just ring the doorbell, you leave that box there.
Mike
A lot of problem for yourself, though. You're hoarding poop for a season.
Jason
No, don't hoard. Just use an instrument every day. Scoop it up with the little shovel, walk it five feet over, and turn it over.
Mike
Well, but it might not be the next door neighbor. It might be a neighbor from down the street. You know what I mean? Like, oh, I don't want to walk down the street.
Jason
Then I'm tracking this person to find their house.
Mike
Can you put little, like, mouse traps throughout the yard?
Jason
Oh, that's cruel.
Andy
It's not the dog.
Mike
It's my yard, bro.
Andy
But it's not the dog's fault. It's the human.
Jason
Yeah, it is the human.
Andy
The dog's just doing dog business.
Jason
Isn't there stuff you can spray on the yard to, like, make the dog not want to be there?
Mike
Yeah, but that doesn't work.
Jason
In my experience, rat poison works.
Mike
Okay. Yeah, but I thought this wasn't the dog. I thought this wasn't the dog's fault.
Jason
That's what Mike says.
Mike
I just want. I want a way to, like, punish the dog's owner.
Andy
Yes.
Mike
And I. I like the sprinklers.
Jason
I think if you just got a. Make sure you're not just watering the poop after.
Mike
So if you're gone, if you sprinkle before they come and you soak the yard, I don't think that the dog owner will want the dog to go in there.
Jason
There's no way, though, that the. That this dog is pooping at the same time every day on the exact moment.
Andy
It would be pretty close, though.
Jason
I mean, you're talking what, 15, 20 minute?
Andy
Yeah. So back to my idea of the box.
Jason
Okay.
Andy
Because they're gonna bring it in the house. And they're gonna open it.
Mike
Oh, you're wrapping it?
Andy
Yes.
Jason
I'm sorry. I didn't understand that.
Andy
Holiday season rolls around, I wrapped this thing up nice, like a big present, and they get, oh, Secret Santa showed up. They're gonna bring it in, they're gonna open it.
Mike
It's gonna be poop. I don't know if you've ever had a bag of poop in your life, Mike. If you've cleaned up poop from your yard and you fill a bag and you gotta take that out, just walking that bag to the dumpster is barely doable. If you're telling me that I'm gonna sit with a box right in front of my lap and I'm gonna. You know how long it takes me to wrap a package. And I'm go that stinky box up. Not happening.
Andy
You got to put the work in if you want to get them back.
Mike
I'm finding a whole new way to get them back. I'm putting something over the fence that has nothing to do with dogs.
Andy
Or what if you burn their house down? That's real easy.
Jason
Imagine letting my dog poop in someone's yard.
Andy
No, that's horrific humanity.
Jason
Those people.
Andy
Horrific.
Jason
Shouldn't be around.
Mike
What if you just put a sign in your yard for a week? You just nail a little sign. It says, no dog poops allowed from bad neighbors.
Andy
What if they think they're a good neighbor?
Jason
Yeah, they definitely do.
Mike
They're gonna bypass a sign.
Andy
But if it says bad neighbors.
Mike
So you just gotta say, no dog poops allowed.
Andy
Or any poops you could broaden. No poops.
Jason
There's gotta be some way that we can collect all the bad people in all the neighborhoods and make them all live in one neighborhood together.
Andy
They can all poop in each other's yards.
Jason
I mean, imagine the worst person in every neighborhood all living together in a new neighborhood and filming it for television. I think we're on different.
Andy
I'm trying to find out if there's legal recourse.
Jason
Well, you're not allowed to set booby traps. I know. That's illegal.
Mike
Really?
Jason
Yes.
Mike
Even on your own property? No, that's not illegal.
Jason
I think it is.
Mike
What if they're funny?
Jason
Papa Josh says yes because he's probably thought about it.
Mike
Wait, what? Like Home Alone style booby traps? You can't booby trap your property at all. Yes, you can.
Jason
I mean, Home alone. Well, like a paint can flying down and hitting him in the face.
Mike
Exactly. A little hot iron action. No, there's no Way it's illegal to booby trust your arm.
Jason
I mean, you've seen this with political signs. Have you seen this? I mean.
Mike
Oh, yeah. Where they, like electric. They electrify the political signs because people are stealing from the yard.
Jason
I saw one that was even more advanced. This person was on a main road and they had a sign that was within. Like a car could easily turn to the right, run it over and then go back and they put strips to pop the tires and people would go to run over this political sign.
Mike
Good for them.
Jason
And then the person would end up popping their tire as they run over the sign.
Mike
It should not be illegal. You want to drive through my yard, you should have tires.
Jason
I'm on your side. I think to some degree you should not be able to go in again.
Andy
Someone left a broken bottle there. What am I going to do about it?
Jason
I'm thinking you've got.
Mike
Doing so is illegal under US law. Come on, man. Yeah.
Andy
I thought this was America.
Mike
I thought this was America. Good goof.
Andy
Land of the free. Can't booby trap my own yard.
Jason
I think the rule is you're only allowed to defend with reasonable and justified levels of force.
Andy
Yeah. Hot iron.
Mike
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. A painting is reasonable. I'm not putting a shotgun. I'm not putting a shotgun. Like you open the door, you get blasted in the chest.
Jason
That is what the court case was real. Yeah.
Mike
Well, yeah, that makes sense. That's called murder. That should be supes. Illegal.
Andy
We're just talking about facial reconstruction surgery.
Mike
Yeah. We're talking about. You reach for that doorknob, it's on fire.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Ironically, in that court case, the court noted that it would have been justified to shoot the person with the shotgun had the person been home at the time of the intrusion. What? But rigging up the booby trap is illegal. Ok, I'm back to unhappy with that ruling. That's fair.
Jason
Because it's not a danger to you if you're not there.
Mike
Oh, my gosh. So what if you're. What if you're.
Jason
So shotgun is coming into the picture.
Mike
What if you're on a ring doorbell system and your alarm system and you've got a booby trap set up but you see the intruder? Now I'm like, I'm taking part in this.
Jason
Are you in danger?
Andy
Nope.
Mike
My stuff is. I don't know, man.
Andy
Mr. TV is in great danger right now.
Mike
Yes. What if I'm on the tv? You know what I mean?
Andy
Right.
Mike
I'm watching them. I'M like, please leave. And they're like, no. And they start reaching to. Like, they're gonna punch the tv, you know?
Jason
Okay.
Mike
Gotta take care of business.
Jason
All right. All right.
Andy
Also, you could just. You're welcome. Just ask him.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
No poo poo on my yard.
Mike
Talk to the neighbor.
Jason
It would be funny if you put a fence up, but only for that corner of the yard. Like, it doesn't go across the whole front yard. Is this a corner of the fence? All right. Glad we could help you out.
Mike
What if you put, like, a little square patch of grass out on the sidewalk in front to help? It says, like, poop here. I don't think. Now that I think about that, I don't want that poopy piece of grass in my sidewalk, so. All right. That didn't work. Just talk to the neighbor.
Jason
All right. Dave from Patreon with a question for us. My coworker constantly listens to music at their desk with a Bluetooth speaker, and it's driving me crazy. How do I ask them to keep it down without coming off as the office grump?
Mike
Dude, when. When there are distractions in an office place, they can get out of control.
Andy
Whoa. What are we talking about here?
Jason
Who are you talking about?
Mike
I have no idea. But if you go to the doozers Cam, someone's eyes are pretty big.
Andy
Why? Who's been doing the distracting?
Jason
Distraction A and distraction B over there.
Mike
That's true. Honestly, Falcon, you might not start the conversation. Okay, Papa Josh is the catalyst. Catalyst. And the primary cause of distraction in the office work environment. But should he start.
Jason
I mean, you ain't letting it go.
Andy
You two guys, he's like the Will Ferrell impression of Harry Carey. Just like he's. You think the moon's made of cheese? And he was like, josh, we're just a place of business. We're trying to get stuff done. But would you eat it? Now there's a whole conversation about, is the moon made out of cheese? They're special. Also, I mean, I think.
Jason
How do you do this? So can you start by saying turn it down?
Andy
You can, but check this out. It's a little bit of mischief, but then you make up for it. Okay, what if you sabotage the Bluetooth speaker?
Jason
How?
Andy
Drop it in water? I don't know. Just make it not function anymore.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
Okay. And then they go to use it, and then they're all mad that their Bluetooth speaker is.
Jason
I know where you're going.
Andy
And then the next day, you're like, hey, man, I heard you the speaker. I knew you were really upset, so I bought you these headphones.
Mike
Oh, yeah, some AirPod Pros I bought.
Andy
Yeah, I spared no expense. I got you. They're noise canceling and everything.
Mike
I like listening to it out loud, but thank you. I'll still take these. It's all right. I already replaced my Bluetooth speaker.
Andy
Yeah, thank you so much. Give me those back because I need the noise cancellation. Because you're too loud.
Jason
This is the same kind of people that live in that stupid neighborhood. I mean, if you don't. If you don't have awareness for the people around you, it is just. You know who else lives in that neighborhood? The people. When I walk up at a movie theater to order popcorn and they work for the movie theater and there's no one else in the line, and I'm standing at the thing and they're just turned around and they're talking to each other, or they're like, doing something and they don't come up and take my order.
Mike
That gets you real peeved, huh?
Jason
It's insane. It's insanity.
Mike
You're at that age now where you real mad.
Jason
I've been this way my whole life. It's insanity when somebody is the youth. Can somebody get in on this with me?
Andy
Why is it only stop?
Mike
Gavin, you got a job to do. You done with your jibber jabber?
Jason
It's because if I was them, I could never do that. If I saw a person waiting, it would be impossible for me not to go over and help them.
Mike
I'll bet when you were a teenager.
Jason
Nope.
Mike
You thought the same way you think now, but oftentimes didn't realize you were having a good time talking to your buddy and didn't see someone.
Andy
Look, I'd go help them if I weren't having such a good time.
Mike
That's nice of you. I'm going to just start getting my own popcorn. Just walk back there.
Jason
Another option, Sing along with every song and see how long that songs last.
Mike
So I would think if this is you're trying to teach, right, you want them to turn your music off, but this is a learning opportunity, too, and you might have to sacrifice a little bit here, but I would just make sure you get there first and get your Bluetooth speaker on prior to there.
Andy
Establish dominance.
Mike
Establish dominance.
Andy
So you're taking the armrest.
Mike
100%. This is my armrest. And so if. Here's what I know you can't do. Like if someone's playing Bluetooth music next to you, you're not Going to put a Bluetooth music on yourself. It'll just sound awful and upsetting. And so whoever establishes dominance first, they control it. So if you put your speaker on now, your neighbor's going, well, that's so rude. And they will learn.
Andy
I hope they will not.
Jason
No, you'll just have shown them that it's okay to do that.
Andy
Yeah, they will.
Jason
Terrible offer.
Andy
They will not learn. I have another idea.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
What if you got. So I don't know how you would. I don't know how it worked with Bluetooth, but just figure out a way that you can get another, like a remote or something paired to the Bluetooth speaker. And then you just keep turning it up overly loud so other people come over and so that other people start getting. Or HR has to get involved. Like, do you. Like, Bob over here keeps playing his music way too loud. And then before you know it, Bluetooth speakers are banished.
Mike
Alternatively.
Jason
Oh, yeah, just talk to him.
Mike
Oh, you could talk to him. But if you want to, just find a way to cope with what you're having to deal with. I did. I learned this on this podcast many episodes ago. Mike, I believe you brought an article to our attention. You could pour water in their bag when they're not looking. So I would say if you're a government worker and you're a duly elected official and you're upset with something, you could just, behind their back, start pouring water in their bag or purse. Just every day for months, just pour water in it.
Andy
Forgotten all about that.
Mike
So, you know, there's a lot of different ways you can do this, but
Jason
probably just talk to him or the water one.
Andy
They felt so bad once they got
Mike
caught, Liam, because you just got caught for months pouring water in a colleague's bag. It's ridiculous.
Jason
Liam from Patreon said, my friend always wants to split the bill 5050 when we eat out, which is, by the way, super easy to do. It's the easiest thing. Just split it down the middle. Right.
Andy
You can tell the serve, but there's issues.
Jason
But they always order way more than I do.
Andy
Exactly.
Jason
How do I suggest that we pay for our own order without causing awkwardness or calling them an overeater?
Mike
Oh, you just got to order more, bro. I mean, this is. This is a contest now. This is a pissing contest, and you're. You are going to do it up.
Andy
Liam, I don't know if you like lobster, but you do now. You like lobster and you love flame surf and turf.
Mike
If you see MP on the menu, okay, that Means must purchase. Okay.
Jason
That's not market price. That's must purchase.
Mike
And eventually here.
Andy
Oh, I can't stop myself.
Mike
It's just so good we're splitting this, right?
Jason
I mean, just like always, Right.
Mike
I'll take the caviar. You're going to teach them a lesson soon enough. And in the meantime, you're getting great stuff out of it.
Jason
Have you been in this situation where you were unhappy that somebody wanted a 50 50?
Andy
I have not been in this situation. I have definitely, many times as a teenager, got stuck with the. Where the group goes, and everyone's like, here's my contribution to the bill.
Jason
Oh. And it's not close.
Andy
And then they bail, and you're like, there's tax and tip, and there's like, this. I spent $10 on my meal, so here is $10.
Jason
Oh, yeah. That sounds teenager.
Andy
Yeah. And then the bill shows up and you're like, we are short the $30.
Mike
Problem that happens is when it's a group and everyone chips in with their cash, and then at the end, it's like the whole bill was, like, $300. And then at the very end, you've got 120 bucks for, like, eight other people.
Andy
Exactly.
Mike
You're like, yeah, okay.
Andy
And they all leave. Yeah, I've had that happen several times.
Mike
You guys have the family member that won't let you pay for things.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Like, just absolutely. Like, it's like, oh, I. I got this. And they'll, like, never. It was.
Andy
They won't let you. They won't let you pay.
Mike
It's like you're pooping on their yard.
Andy
Are you complaining right now? I'm trying to read the tone of your voice because you're like, hey, you ever got this, buddy? All he does is just pay for all of your stuff whenever we go out. It's awesome. Oh, no, no.
Jason
I think he's got a family member that won't let him pay for that.
Mike
Yeah. But Mike's point is. That's awesome.
Jason
Oh, yeah. I got you. I got.
Andy
Is the issue.
Mike
I don't know. I just. I think it is. I believe this is not a joke. I believe it is a good thing to be able to accept kindness as well. And so sometimes people have a hard time. They will give kindness, but they would not.
Andy
Sounds like you're having a real hard time accepting their kindness.
Jason
It does. It does.
Mike
Okay. That is completely fair. In this single example. I agree. So maybe I should work on that, But I think all people should work on that. It's okay. To accept. Accept kindness, accept help.
Jason
Yeah. You never want to be in the situation where, like, it's a pride thing. Why you can't accept.
Andy
Again, I have gotten to the point where, like, I'm. Look, if we go out and, you know, like, I'm. I'll pay. Like, hey, I got it. And then if they do the. Oh, no, no, no, no thing, that's the end.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
That is the end of the conversation. We're not.
Jason
You're not going to do the.
Andy
We're not playing the game. Oh, no, I insist. No, no. I just. The game is done. If I have offered to pay and you jump in and say, no, no, no, I want. Oh, okay. Then here's what you're paying.
Mike
I am 100.
Andy
That game is done.
Mike
Thousand percent.
Andy
Get that out of my heart.
Jason
That ain't Mike's game for sure.
Mike
No, I think it's right. Like, you can offer to pay, and if they say, no, I don't want you to, then you should not pay.
Andy
Yeah. And then it's almost. You're like, I'm calling your bluff.
Jason
Have you ever had somebody that just goes, why don't you pay?
Andy
You got it this time.
Mike
Right now, this question comes.
Jason
I got the last one, didn't I?
Mike
This question comes in from Jason on set. What if that is your stance, but then your wife is always completely adamant that you pay. And so now there's, like, this fight between, like, hypothetically. Hypothetically, yeah, of course. Hypothetical situation where it's like, have you
Jason
gone to the server, like, secretly before?
Mike
Oh, many times.
Jason
Yeah. Let's take care of. Put this card on file, and let's make sure the bill's taken care of.
Mike
Yeah, exactly.
Jason
I've done that.
Mike
Sometimes you. You. You have to. Depending on. On the situation, but.
Andy
Yeah, because you got to let the family know that I'm better than you. I'm Pay for everything.
Jason
That's why they turn it down.
Mike
That's.
Andy
That's why they turn.
Mike
I agree. That's what I feel like it. It portrays sometimes. And I. Yeah, that's why I do it.
Andy
You get what. You guys do it because you're kind.
Mike
No, yeah, it's.
Andy
It's.
Mike
That's funny. Paying. Paying is putting bills to the.
Jason
To the restaurant where I'm better.
Mike
Yeah. Paying and splitting bills is always that. Like, that awkward end to the meal if it wasn't just clearly established in the beginning where you go, oh, this was nice.
Jason
There's a second awkwardness.
Mike
What are we doing here?
Jason
If you let it known beforehand that you're paying. It prohibits them from ordering what they want.
Mike
Some for sure. You got to pay at the end, you know, unless it's beforehand, like, hey, my treat, I'm going to take you out of the way.
Jason
No, but if you say that sometimes people will seriously not order stuff just
Mike
to prevent it's on them.
Andy
Take the kind, accept the kindness, be generous, accept generosity.
Mike
There you go. Great quote.
Jason
Two guys buying.
Mike
No, man, you are. We accept your. We accept your generosity today.
Jason
All right, we'll take a break, be back with our draft.
Andy
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Mike
The Spitballers draft.
Jason
All right, we are drafting the best places to host a private party. This could be anywhere on earth. Anywhere you want to have a party. That would be very cool. In fact, before Mike takes his first pick.
Mike
We know.
Jason
I remember.
Mike
I know that stinks because it's the 101 and I want it. And if. If we were in reverse order here and Andy started, it came to me, I'd have it. But.
Jason
Go ahead, Mike. I'll tell the story later.
Andy
Oh, sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'll get at it. I insist you tell your story. Your story.
Jason
All I was going to say was that one time in high school, the prom was not at, like, an empty amphitheater. It was at a science center.
Andy
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's pretty common here.
Jason
And it was. You know, a prom is a party, and it was, like, cool to have stuff around that you could look at or see. So there are places where it would be very novel and neat to have a party. That's all I was going to say.
Andy
Arizona Science Center.
Jason
Yes, sir.
Andy
Yeah, I went to one prom.
Jason
It was awesome.
Andy
For someone else's school, and that's where we were.
Jason
It's fantastic.
Andy
So the bad news of having. Of having the 101 means that the. That legendary scat I did went out there. Great news is I have the first pick for this one, so. It's Disneyland, baby.
Mike
It's not just Disneyland. It's Disneyland after hours. It's having the parts yourself, though.
Andy
No, we're starting it. So we're starting at the beginning, and
Mike
we're going just a solo. You. You get Disneyland for the day.
Andy
How unbelievable.
Mike
I can't imagine. I thought about, like, if you're. If you're Elon Musk, if you're just a billionaire and you. You can have enough money to just be like, no. Every worker works today. Okay? We're not. We're not going skeleton crew here. It's me and my friends were. We're. Every churro stand is operational.
Jason
Like, snap.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Disappeared for you.
Mike
Yeah. I mean, that's funny.
Jason
I didn't think about the whole park.
Andy
Oh, yeah.
Jason
I thought about, like, just a part of the park. So, like, if you.
Andy
Ooh. You gotta Think bigger.
Jason
If you're at this park, are you all like you and your group? It just seems like so much space.
Mike
Oh, yeah, that's part of the.
Andy
So great.
Mike
Yeah, that's part of the allure. In fact, here, let me show you how it's done. I am. I'm up next. I am not taking the Oval Office. I'm taking the whole White House.
Andy
Okay, I get the.
Mike
I'm partying at the White House.
Andy
Which other room in the White House do you like?
Mike
Oh, all of them, man. Lincoln bedroom.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
That's gonna be the whole West Wing. We're gonna do it up.
Jason
So you're taking the White House after Disneyland?
Mike
Yeah, I want Disneyland.
Andy
Which one do you want? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Mike
I wish I could. I would be happy to take California Adventures.
Andy
No, I'm the President and I'm going to be on Big Thunderbolt.
Jason
So you're.
Andy
Private party.
Mike
You know, I'm dressing up as Abe Lincoln, like, you know, for my party in the White House. I got the top hat and the beard on.
Andy
Watch your back here.
Mike
Too soon, Andy.
Jason
The next pick I'm going to go. I got a double. A double selection here. Number one again. To me, this is. I got the invitation. It shows up. It's got White House on it. That's awesome. I'm going to the White House for a party. You know where I'm going? I'm going to Alcatraz.
Mike
Oh, that's on my list.
Jason
I'm going to Alcatraz. I gotta take a boat to get to this party. And then it's all creepy and cool to be done up in a cool prison way.
Andy
Well, of course.
Mike
Well, yeah. I mean, you gotta theme the party to the locale.
Jason
Yeah, I'll hire prisoners to be like at the bars.
Mike
I would hire actors. Screaming, man. I would have just acted. I wouldn't. I wouldn't get real prisoners. That's danger to your party. That's fair.
Andy
I won't get real prisoners. Everything here is authentic. 100%.
Jason
No, I wouldn't go in there.
Mike
See that toothbrush shank? That's real, man. That guy just whittled that down. Watch out.
Andy
See that crazy guy? He looks like a murderer. Cuz he is. Spare no expense.
Jason
So come to my party on Alcatraz and then come to my party. And this is in the spirit of that old. The prom at the Science Center.
Andy
All right.
Jason
Come to my party at the. I know Jason won't come, but everyone else can. The Museum of National History.
Andy
Natural History.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
You said National Natural History. Okay. I just wanted to make sure we're
Jason
talking about the same place in New York City.
Andy
The dinosaur place.
Jason
Yeah, well, more than that, but, yeah. There's a giant whale hanging from the center of the Museum of Nash.
Andy
How much do you have to Natural History? How much you got to grease the wheels up there to go ride that way?
Jason
I feel like my party. Nothing. It's a ride.
Andy
I was gonna say you wait in line to do it.
Jason
You wait in line.
Mike
If you're able to have a private party and you have that whole thing, I'm allowed. It's all touchy. I'm allowed to touch out. It's all touchy. Everything is touchy. This has now become. Became an interactive science museum. All the ropes. I'm like, can you move all the ropes outside?
Jason
It was the museum, right? The movie. The museum.
Andy
Night at the museum.
Jason
Night at the museum. That's what it was. But that's where Ben Stiller. That's where the party is. But they don't come alive. Okay, Jason, you are back on the clock.
Mike
Okay, so there's not a lot of cool places left in the world. Wow. I've got most of what I want.
Jason
So Disneyland. Just to be clear, if Disneyland was gone from the world, you would have almost nothing to do.
Mike
Exactly.
Andy
Oh, Disney World.
Mike
Yeah. I mean, Disney World's a little bit far away, though. And apparently, when you try to go, there's usually a hurricane.
Andy
Yeah, it can be. I mean, you could go to. You could go to Japan to go to Disneyland.
Mike
Hey, dude, that's number one on my list of Disneylands to go to.
Jason
All right. What other touchy places are you drafting?
Mike
Other touchy places that I'm drafting, which is the draft today, I think I'm not the draft.
Andy
Go on.
Mike
I would love. We're football fans. I think having a party at a famous stadium would be really cool, kind of having it all to yourself. And when I think of famous stadiums, there are two that come to mind. Just I don't know if it's right or wrong. Like, famous any stadiums at all. I think of Wrigley Field, and I think of Lambeau, and I'm actually close between them only because if you had a party at Wrigley, I think it would be fun to have a baseball game. And you can. You can't just, like, at a party. You can't have a football game. Football games are too dangerous. Too dangerous, too advanced, Too cool.
Jason
Oh, okay. So you mean you're playing in the game?
Mike
Yeah, I'm saying the People at the party can have an impromptu.
Jason
I was trying to figure out why the players couldn't play during the party. I got you.
Mike
You can have a kickball game using the field. You know what I mean?
Andy
But that would be fun.
Mike
At the same time, I don't want to put myself in a baseball stadium. So I'm going to take Lambo.
Jason
Okay. Lambo Field.
Mike
Lambeau Field. I'll rent that out.
Jason
Just pick the right time of year, man. Don't do it in the middle of winter.
Mike
It'll be a nice, cool summer day.
Jason
Okay. Okay, Mike, you've got two picks left.
Andy
All right, so my first pick. I don't know if you guys are aware, but so the. When you visit the Eiffel Tower, there's like, there's the second floor. So it's like this huge area. I looked up. It's 4,700 square feet. So it's the second floor of the Eiffel Tower. So you're in your way.
Jason
4,700 square feet. It's a base.
Andy
Not a huge party, but yeah. I mean, me and.
Jason
So like company.
Andy
It's like 10 people. Yeah, 10 people hanging out on top of that.
Jason
Didn't know you could go up in it.
Andy
Yeah, and you can. I mean, you can climb up to the top too, if you want, but there's. There's a big enough area that you can hang out, say, have a good. Oh, yeah.
Jason
Like, if the drinks are flowing or people. There's glass and stuff, like to keep.
Andy
Well, there's also edges. Ah, I'd look out for those.
Jason
Yeah, that's what I was. As I was talking about.
Andy
Yeah. Well, we'll just have to take precautions.
Jason
Eiffel Tower, that's pretty dope.
Andy
Yeah. So you're way up there. And speaking of way up there, uh. Oh, you got to take a ride to get. To get up to this next one. I will have my party on the iss.
Jason
That was on my.
Andy
Everybody.
Mike
I thought for sure I'd get that on my last pick.
Andy
Space station.
Mike
I mean, that is. That's probably the one on one. Like, Disneyland is cool, but I thought. I thought that that would not go drafted because, you know, like, Andy started saying anywhere on Earth, and I was thinking low orbit. Yeah, I'm not on Earth.
Jason
The biggest. The biggest problem is I didn't know what the. Like, it's on my list. It would have been picked, but I didn't know what the square footage would be like.
Mike
Yeah, I don't care.
Andy
It's not two people.
Mike
Yeah. Honestly, when I have a party, that's usually the amount of people I want to invite. So this is all the way around. It's perfect.
Jason
It just feels like it might be easy to be late to that party. Yeah, I mean, you got to really time.
Mike
I don't think you can be late. I think, well, if you miss your
Andy
flight, you're gonna have to wait a month or so.
Mike
Yeah, for sure.
Andy
For another launch.
Mike
But I do think that they are. They don't. I think they're on a pretty tight schedule with those rock. All right. So am I. Back up. You are.
Jason
All right.
Mike
Space station is gone. Darn it.
Jason
I'm going to go with 3,900 square feet if you kind of.
Mike
That's not bad.
Jason
But it's all tubular.
Andy
It's all tight quarters.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
Okay. So there's one that maybe I could definitely see Andy enjoying. Might be on his list. But I'm going to. I'm going to play the game, see if it comes back to me. I'm going to take a luxury yacht. I've never been on one.
Andy
That's. Yeah, that's fair.
Jason
But you can make some assumptions. That is not bad.
Mike
I can make some pretty clear assumptions based on, you know, all the photographs of awesome yacht parties. That. That'd be cool. I'm out on the ocean, just watching dolphins swim and having a great time. Having a party on a yacht. I never thought I'd be on a boat.
Andy
What is the Andy like the dolphins? I did.
Mike
I did.
Jason
Because I just feel like there's. There's got to be a bit where Jason just talks about what stuff is. It's just what stuff is.
Andy
Two minutes with Jason stuff. There's. Out there.
Jason
I'll be seeing dolphins and, like, they'll be, like, glistening on the ocean.
Mike
I can smell the waves and the ocean and kind of the peepee water. The ocean kind of smells like pee.
Jason
Salty pee.
Mike
Salty pee.
Jason
You think the ocean smells like pee?
Mike
100%. Not mine.
Jason
It does not smell like pee.
Mike
You know how much pee is in the ocean? You know how many animals are out there excreting?
Andy
Yeah, they're pooping.
Mike
That's all of it. I mean, I was trying to be kind, gentlemanly.
Andy
Do fish they poop? Do they urinate?
Mike
They have to.
Jason
I don't care.
Mike
I really care. We've got. Oh, I need a million biologists in the house.
Jason
Papa Josh.
Mike
Papa Josh is googling.
Jason
Have you ever been peed on by a dog?
Mike
Fish do.
Jason
Yes.
Mike
Nice.
Jason
I think.
Andy
Interesting.
Jason
I don't think you're smelling pee, though, man. You're smelling like seaweed.
Andy
I don't think you are either.
Mike
Okay, then. Seaweed smells like pee.
Andy
It smells like seaweed. Seaweed does smell bad.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Is it my turn?
Mike
Yes.
Andy
Is it?
Jason
Back to me. All right, step one, pick three here. I've got Alcatraz in the Museum of Natural History. I'm gonna go. An ice hotel in Sweden, dude.
Andy
It's on my list.
Jason
An ice hotel?
Andy
Yeah, the ice hotel.
Jason
I mean, why not?
Mike
I mean, that's a dream for me
Jason
that seems very, very unique and special and cool.
Andy
It will be awesome. Every year, they build a hotel out of ice, and you get to go party there.
Jason
And I think Al Borland is going to respect this pick. I don't know about the rest of the guys, but I think he will, because, look, it's just. It's just a cool place to have a party and to feel regal and unique and special. I'm taking Downton Abbey.
Mike
Oh. That was the pick I wanted to come back to.
Jason
Me taking Downton Abbey. The castle. Cause it really exists.
Andy
There's a castle there.
Jason
I mean, it's. That's what Downton.
Andy
I don't know anything about the show.
Jason
Downton Abbey.
Andy
It's for snobby people.
Mike
It's great.
Andy
Downtown Abbey.
Jason
No, no, no.
Mike
Downton Abbey.
Jason
Downton. I will post a picture of it. It is a.
Andy
There's a castle.
Jason
It is essentially an abbey, but it's a castle. It looks like a castle.
Andy
Wait, an abbey is a castle?
Mike
It's not a castle.
Andy
I thought abbey was a name.
Jason
No, there's no ramparts for you to walk. Okay, so it's not a castle, but it's an old manor.
Andy
That's not a castle.
Jason
That is humongous.
Andy
There's no moat.
Jason
All right. That's the pick, man.
Mike
Yeah. I was gonna. I was gonna end up drafting that. That was the pick that I had that I wanted, that I thought Andy likes. He would respect it. Maybe it'll get back to me. If it got back to me, I would have actually taken the Windsor Castle, just because it's bigger and more regal and it's actually castle.
Jason
You could have taken a Buckingham Palace. You can take in a million of those. So I'm taking down.
Mike
And I like it. I like it. The show's great, and that would be fun to be there, since I don't have that, but I am fancy. And we gonna cut it up. We're going to the Sistine Chapel.
Andy
Okay. All right.
Mike
And we're throwing A party.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
At the Sistine Chapel.
Jason
Okay.
Mike
I get to look at some fancy art, be part of history and cut it up.
Jason
That seems to be the big one.
Andy
Yeah, Cutting it up.
Mike
That's what. That's what you want.
Jason
Do you take a guess without looking? When do you think that was built? Give me, like, the century.
Mike
Oh, man. Okay.
Jason
If you get this right, I'll be so impressed that you don't need ceremony.
Andy
When was the Sistine Chapel built?
Jason
Yeah. Let's play a game of who's closest to the guests.
Mike
That's the one with Michael.
Andy
He did the.
Mike
Yeah, so before it took eight years.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
So you can get anywhere in that eight years, and I'll be happy.
Andy
If I got within 100 years, I'd be happy.
Jason
Yeah. If you get with 100 years,
Mike
I'm going to say the. I'm going to say the 1300s.
Jason
Okay, Mike?
Andy
I wanted to say the, like, the 1100s, but now that sounds stupid, but I'll go with that anyways.
Jason
1473.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
All right. I'm not. I said 1300s. I meant 1399. Pretty close.
Andy
That's not bad. That's not bad at all.
Jason
All right, now, that's not too bad. I didn't know if you were going to say, like, 1971. All right, Mike, you get the final pick here. Jason has the White House, the Lambeau Field luxury yacht with the dolphins swimming around, and the Sistine Chapel.
Andy
All right.
Mike
Some of the greatest art in there for the.
Andy
For my. My final pick here. It's. It's a little tough because I can't actually tell you where the party would take place, like, what room. But we would figure it out because I'm partying with the aliens, baby. I'm going to Area 51.
Mike
Okay, that's good.
Jason
Just don't.
Andy
We're gonna cut it up in some UFOs.
Jason
It's the only place where your guests might get shot trying to get to the party.
Andy
Yeah, well, you show me them aliens, man.
Jason
Yeah, I. You know, that makes sense. I thought Area 51 would get drafted.
Mike
That's a good. That's a good draft. You've got. You've got a lot of space going on.
Jason
Yeah, that makes sense.
Andy
Well, that's how I get to the ISS. It's from Area 51.
Mike
Can they launch from there?
Andy
I'm sure.
Mike
Yeah, but in the alien craft. Yeah, so no one sees it.
Andy
So it's even faster.
Jason
The only other real one I didn't take that was on my list was the Roman Coliseum. I thought that one would be good. But you took Lambeau Field. Basically the same.
Mike
I don't have a single leftover.
Andy
I had the Mount Everest base camp.
Jason
Sure.
Andy
Seems like that would be a good time.
Jason
That's going to limit your guest list as well.
Andy
It will. And this is more just. It's picture picturesque, but like Stonehenge.
Jason
Okay. In the background. Lots of pictures.
Andy
Yeah. I mean, they're like.
Mike
It's.
Andy
Other than that, you're just a grass.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
You're just in grass hills.
Mike
Yeah. You're just like. I've got a grass hill pretty near
Jason
my house with some rocks, though, man.
Andy
Not Stonehenge rock. But yeah. But if we made the rules about the museum that I can just ride the whale if I'm having a party at Stonehenge, that means I get to be all.
Jason
You can climb up on the ruins. Climb up in those hinges.
Andy
Yeah. I'm gonna be doing push ups on the top.
Mike
It's really. There are no hinges in Stonehenge. Which I feel like is.
Jason
Well, it's not spelt like that.
Andy
Yeah, it is. Hinge. There are hinged. Isn't henged with fence.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
With H E n. You can spell hinged multiple ways. This is crazy, man. Today's crazy.
Andy
It really hinges on how you spell it.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
Switch.
Jason
All right, let's close it down.
Mike
What did we learn today? I learned that if you just talk to someone doing something wrong, it's probably the easiest way.
Andy
I learned that I got a. I have some booby traps to take down.
Jason
Oh, my goodness. And I didn't learn anything today. So that'll do it for today's show. Jason with the scat. Next week. Can't wait.
Mike
What?
Jason
And we'll be back with another episode.
Mike
This was our last show ever. Congrats, guys.
Jason
Oh, my gosh. Wow. Well, have a good one then. Have a good life, everyone.
Mike
Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.
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Mike
Bahamas.
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Episode: Golden Geese & Best Places to Have a Private Party - Spit Hits!
Release Date: April 2, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason
This Spitballers episode swings through signature comedic banter as Andy, Mike, and Jason tackle oddball "Would You Rather" scenarios (including sacrificing months from the calendar and choosing between mythical treasure sources), offer questionable life advice to listeners, and cap it all off with a lively draft of the best places to throw a private party—anywhere on Earth (or even beyond it). The trio’s humor is fast, family-friendly, and full of over-the-top hypotheticals and lighthearted jabs.
Timestamps: 01:37–07:31
Memorable Moment:
“I just did an Irish jig off the side. But this poor...that poor woman. That makes me feel so bad!” – Andy (02:50)
Timestamps: 08:23–15:23
Timestamps: 15:23–17:40
Timestamps: 17:37–22:50
Timestamps: 25:17–44:39
Timestamps: 49:11–65:23
Andy:
Mike:
Jason:
Other Venues Considered:
Windsor Castle, Buckingham Palace, Roman Coliseum, Mount Everest base camp, Stonehenge.
Memorable Draft Banter:
“If we made the rules about the museum that I can just ride the whale—if I’m having a party at Stonehenge, that means I get to...be all over the hinges.” – Andy (64:53)
“The ocean smells like pee.”—Mike (59:21)
The episode blends quippy, high-energy hypotheticals with distinctly average life advice wrapped in good-natured suburban dad humor. Whether they’re breaking down the ethics of golden geese, getting heated over calendar months, or plotting revenge against inconsiderate dog owners, Andy, Mike, and Jason keep it fast and funny, rarely pausing between laughs and deadpan observations.
If you missed it:
Expect running gags, tangential wisdom, wild party fantasy drafts, and relatable takes on everyday annoyances—packaged in Spitballers’ family-appropriate style.
For More: spitballerspod.com