Gruncles & Doctors That Aren’t Doctors - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Gruncles & Doctors That Aren’t Doctors - Spit Hits!
Date: January 29, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

Episode Overview

In this episode, the award-winning dad-trio of Andy, Mike, and Jason return for an uproarious installment built around the theme of “Doctors that Aren’t Doctors.” They dive headfirst into why we call people “doctor” when they’re not medical doctors, share personal anecdotes (including tales of the elusive “Grunkle”), riff on kitchen appliances, and debate some characteristically silly “Would You Rather” questions. The show crescendos with a draft of their favorite non-doctor “doctors”—real and fictional.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Show Cold Open & Studio Banter

• The crew jokes about breakfast sandwiches and the freezing studio temperature, leading Andy to exclaim, "It is negative 1,000 degrees in the studio right now." (01:49)
• Jason dodges his turn to perform the show's signature “scat,” blaming confusion among the hosts—a recurring bit of show chaos.

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2. Doctors: The Title Conundrum

• Main topic: Why are some “doctors” not doctors? (e.g., Dr. Phil, Dr. Dre, Dr. Seuss)
• The guys hash out distinctions:
  • Doctorate vs. Doctor: PhDs, psychologists, interior designers, philosophers, and more.
  • Medical doctors (MDs) versus those with other doctorates.
• Quote:
  "So, I mean, that is so much dissertation." – Mike (04:01)
• Jason and Andy argue that our language is confusing, with "doctor" used for both medical and non-medical professions.
• Mike proposes: “Doctor is an occupation. You’re not changing that. The other people are doctorates.” (05:30)
• The trio brainstorms alternative prestige titles, with “Headmaster” winning out for Harry Potter vibes. (06:20)

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3. "Would You Rather" — Bodily Mishaps Edition

Segments:

• [07:02] Would you rather your brain release an audible smelly fart every time you have a “brain fart” or actually get punched in the gut whenever you get an “emotional gut punch”?
  • The guys delve into literal interpretations of “brain fart” mechanism—farting through ears, nose, pores, etc.
  • Classic hypothetical debate about frequency: How often do you have brain farts vs. gut punches?
  • Quote:
    "When’s the last time you had the wind knocked out of you?" – Andy (09:03)
  • Consensus: Gut punches are rare and brutal; most would take the gut punch over constant farting.
• [11:42] Would you rather never be able to use a microwave again or never be able to use a kitchen sink?
  • Andy tells a “Grunkle” story: His great uncle has never owned a microwave. (12:04)
  • Discussion of air fryers, microwave dinners, and food culture.
  • Memorable tangent: On the rise of air fryers: "I reheat all of my leftovers exclusively in this bad dog." – Mike (16:46)

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4. Would You Rather: Luxury Transport Showdown

Segment: [17:42]

• Personal chauffeur at all times, private jet (one trip per month), or private yacht (six weekends/year).
• Heated debate on the risk and hassle of yachts (“The water wants to eat us!” – Andy, 18:24), the infrequency of boat use, and the advantages of a chauffeur versus a jet.
• Quote:
  “If you go overseas, they have to pull up a second jet next to you and you walk over to it to swap to the full one.” – Andy (22:07)

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5. Life Advice: Absurd Solutions for Everyday Dilemmas

Parking Meter Woes ([27:32])

• Landon’s parking meter broke for months; now it’s fixed and he’s ticketed—should he argue precedent?
• Hosts agree: “You stole for a long time. Don’t cry because it’s gone…laugh because you got to enjoy it.” – Andy (29:19)
• Notable exchange:
  Josh: “Historical precedent would be like, I show up and I’m like, I got away with 30 murders." (28:41)

Parking Meters & Speed Cameras ([30:11])

• Tangent on the fairness and technology of parking meters, speed cameras, and traffic enforcement.
• Josh rails against inconsistencies: “Why are [speed cameras] not allowed? That should be totally allowed.” (31:51)

Wind Chime Dilemma ([35:18])

• Kelly's neighbor's wind chimes keep her awake: How to get rid of it without confrontation?
• The guys suggest various schemes: break it, glue it, or outdo it with more wind chimes.
• Quote:
  "Spray glue makes a lot of sense to me." – Josh (37:25)
• Andy polls the table: Are you wind chime people? Mildly shocked most actually like them.

Intersection Takeovers ([40:12])

• Discussion on viral trend: groups spinning donuts in intersections, leading to cities grooving streets to prevent it.
• Quote:
  “This is why we can’t have nice things. Why do people suck?” – Mike (41:00)

---

6. The “Doctors Who Aren’t Doctors” Draft ([43:40])

Premise: Draft the best “doctor” in pop culture/real life who isn’t an actual medical doctor.

Notable Picks & Banter

• Dr. Dre (Josh, 1.01): “Everybody forgot about Dre. And he’s doing all right for himself now.”
• Dr. Seuss (Andy): “That is the quote.” (Referencing “Don’t cry because it’s over…”)
• Doc Brown (Back to the Future) (Mike): “He’s not doing medicine. He’s doing time travel.” (45:43)
• Dr. Evil (Mike): “He puts the pinky up. It’s Dr. Evil, baby.” (46:28)
• Dr. Pepper (Andy): The guys riff on Dr. Pepper fandom and hot Dr. Pepper weirdos. (47:05)
• Dr. J (Julius Erving) (Josh): “I’m going to posterize.” (51:01)
• Dr. Dolittle (Josh)
• Doc Holliday (Andy): “OK Corral. Doc Holliday, baby.” (53:15)
• Dr. Mario (Mike): “What was that all about, Nintendo? We got this plumber…also, he’s a doctor?” (54:26)
• Dr. Claw (Inspector Gadget) (Mike): “I’ll get you next time. Dr. Claw.” (55:07)
• Doc Gooden (Andy): “Famous pitcher of the New York Mets.” (55:44)
• Dr. Otto Scratchansniff (Animaniacs) (Josh): “Animaniacs was sensational.” (57:25)
• Honorable mentions: Dr. Who, Dr. Robotnik, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Dr. Frankenstein, Dr. Doom, Dr. Scholl’s.

On the rules:
Debate ensues about whether someone qualifies if they held a doctorate but no longer practice—e.g., Dr. Strange, who “is not taking any new clients.”

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Doctor Titles:
  "If you go through all of the schooling to get your doctorate, like, yeah, I'm fine with it. You have earned yourself a title." – Mike (03:54)

• On Boat Sizes:
  “I've got bad news for you guys… The classes are: Class A, Class 1, Class 2… Get out of here. Call it a sedan or something.” – Josh (23:04)

• On the “Would You Rather” Gut Punch:
  "I'm taking the gut punch. That's probably once every three years." – Andy (09:49)

• Microsphincters:
  "Oh, it'd be real high-pitched, those are tiny little sphincters." – Mike (08:44)

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Important Timestamps

• Banter & Studio Cold: 01:00–02:12
• Discussion of Doctor Titles: 02:54–05:45
• "Would You Rather" (Brain Farts / Gut Punch): 06:53–10:40
• Microwave vs Kitchen Sink Debate: 11:42–16:33
• Luxury Transport Would You Rather: 17:42–24:57
• Life Advice (Parking Meters, Speed Cameras): 27:32–34:38
• Wind Chime Neighbor Dilemma: 35:18–39:04
• Intersection Takeovers: 40:12–41:46
• Doctors Who Aren’t Doctors Draft: 43:40–59:12

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Wrap-Up & Recap

• The episode closes with a reflection on what they learned—including how little Andy claims to know about drafting and a renewed call to clean up the language around doctorates.
• Quote:
  “I learned so much about how little I know about how to draft.” – Andy (59:27)
  “And I learned we need to fix the doctorate versus doctor issue.” – Mike (59:36)

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Tone & Vibe

• Playful and irreverent, loaded with dad-jokes, side tangents, and affectionate ribbing.
• An all-ages clean show with mischievous hypotheticals and rapid-fire pop culture references.
• The hosts’ camaraderie and improvisational riffs keep the energy high and listener-friendly.

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For more clean, award-winning comedy and possibly more tales about Grunkles and wind chime warfare, visit spitballerspod.com.

Transcript

[Commercial Narrator]

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[Josh]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A sandwich with ham, potato, cream cheese. Let's go.

[Mike]

Mmm.

[Josh]

Delicious.

[Mike]

Tremendous.

[Josh]

Thank you.

[Mike]

There's so much, but I'd say we're. When something happens like that on this show, it was 100% related to the draft. Usually we were at 100%. Right now I've broken the mold that has dropped.

[Josh]

Nothing to do with today's episode. It had a little bit to do, in fact, entirely with what was on my screen. So.

[Mike]

Oh, you just.

[Andy]

You.

[Mike]

Real life into the heart.

[Josh]

Yes.

[Andy]

Is there a potato on your sandwich?

[Josh]

I'm looking at. Well, you know, do I do the potato cream cheese soup? Do I do a ham sandwich?

[Mike]

The.

[Andy]

Let's go. Is what got me. I mean, the finisher was the.

[Josh]

I just wanted to eat.

[Andy]

So there's a couple things going on. Welcome to the spitballers. Episode 313. Amazing.

[Mike]

Yeah, you know me.

[Andy]

It is negative 1,000 degrees in the studio right now.

[Josh]

Feels nice.

[Mike]

Which it's not like it's literally snowing in Florida.

[Andy]

Right?

[Mike]

And we're like, no, but We're. Guys, it's 50 degrees.

[Andy]

No, it was 30 degrees outside this morning.

[Mike]

It's 30 degrees here for about 10 minutes.

[Andy]

No.

[Mike]

And then the sun comes out and It's. You just plus 20 degrees immediately.

[Andy]

Look, it's cold.

[Josh]

It's 50 right now.

[Andy]

Papa Josh is very upset. Look, we don't have conditioning in this studio because we've never need. I mean, no heat, I should say. Then Jason is all but sure that he's not doing the scat. And I wish I thought it was me today. And then all of a sudden, two seconds before the show. It just makes sense that you got where you got is what I'm saying, Right.

[Josh]

Papa Joss is like, oh, Jason, you got the scat today. What? I thought Andy was getting me, and then the music started. And honestly, I thought Tater cream Cheese on the screen.

[Andy]

Even when he said you had the scat. I thought Josh was getting you. And I wasn't going to say anything. I was like, he was just going to make you do it. But welcome into the spitballers. Would you rather life advice? And we are drafting a very special draft today.

[Mike]

Do our best.

[Andy]

Doctors who aren't doctors.

[Josh]

That's right. They might be called doctors, but they're not doctors. There's no diploma.

[Mike]

No. We really gotta reign this thing in. Also, I did figure out doctorates versus doctors.

[Andy]

That's what I was gonna get to right there. That's exactly what I was gonna bring up. As we were talking about who would be eligible to be doctors that are not doctors. And really what we're mostly talking about here is we're going to draft people that are called Doctor. It's like a surname for them, but it doesn't really moniker.

[Mike]

It's fun.

[Andy]

They don't got a family practice. Okay. They're not working. But Dr. Phil came up, and that's a PhD, not an MD. That's why we have. That's the differential. He's not a doctor, but he's got a doctorate.

[Josh]

He's got a doctorate, which you get.

[Andy]

To be called doctor if you have a doctor.

[Josh]

And that's what we need to abolish. That's what we're saying we need to get rid of.

[Mike]

Well, we need to pivot. Because I'm saying, like, if you go through all of the schooling to get your doctorate, like, yeah, I'm fine with it. You have earned yourself a title. Because, I mean, that's.

[Josh]

You should be doctor. That's bachelor, doctorate of psychology, Phil.

[Mike]

Cause you got to go. You got to get a bachelor, master's, and then doctorate, right?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So, I mean, that is so much dissertation.

[Andy]

All that time.

[Mike]

You have earned the right. You have earned yourself a title. But in our dumb English language of we have people called doctors who are for health. And then you're like, my name is Doctor thing. You're like, oh, what are you a doctor of? You're like, philosophy.

[Josh]

Oh, can you write me a script? No, but I can tell you how you feel.

[Andy]

Don't you see?

[Mike]

It might me.

[Andy]

That's our fault. Oh, it's not their fault. Because a doctor had always meant a doctor to do different things. We just associated the moniker of doctor of medicine. We shorthanded them to like, well, because it bring me to the doctor.

[Mike]

But you go see the doctor, it's inoculation.

[Andy]

Because we did that, though. We Decided, that's what.

[Mike]

But it's too late. It already happened.

[Josh]

But even if I go see a doctorate of psychology, I would say, I'm going to see a psychologist.

[Andy]

No, I say, what did my doctor say? What script did my doctor give me?

[Mike]

You'd say that saying, if you're on for a psychologist.

[Andy]

Yeah. If you got a script, you'd be like, what did my doctor give me?

[Josh]

If they can write a script. Yeah, if they can write a script.

[Mike]

I'm saying, if you're on an airplane and you hear, is there a doctor on board?

[Josh]

Someone raises their hand. They're like, yes, yes.

[Andy]

I have a PhD in theology.

[Mike]

I'm a doctor of interior.

[Josh]

Sit down.

[Mike]

Interior design of art history. It's like.

[Andy]

And you win the argument. And you win the argument.

[Mike]

But I'm trying to help these people.

[Josh]

Yeah. So what we need to do is we need to.

[Andy]

Lowercase and capitals.

[Josh]

We need to change one of them. Now, the easiest.

[Mike]

No, it's doctorate. Doctor is an occupation. You were not changing that.

[Josh]

Okay, so medical.

[Andy]

Doctors are doctors.

[Mike]

That's locked in.

[Andy]

The other people are doctorates. That's too long.

[Josh]

Doctorate. Phil. Doctorate just rolls off the tongue.

[Andy]

Yeah. Doctor at Oz.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Mike]

No, I'm not. You got to have a different name. We can. I don't know if we can figure it out right now, but just, we got to think about this.

[Andy]

Okay. Well, in the meantime.

[Josh]

Would you rather.

[Mike]

Professor's just a college teacher, right?

[Andy]

A Prof. Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay. Professors. Professor is awesome.

[Josh]

You're saying the job.

[Andy]

There's only one title better than that.

[Mike]

I'm saying the title of professor is. That's awesome.

[Andy]

That's great.

[Mike]

What's better?

[Andy]

Headmaster.

[Josh]

Oh, that is. That is better. That is definitely better.

[Andy]

Have we ever drafted titles?

[Mike]

No, I don't think we.

[Josh]

Yeah, we got Mr. Mrs. Dr. Headmaster.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I mean, yeah, but Headmaster.

[Josh]

Oh, we got to draft titles.

[Andy]

You feel like you're in Hogwarts?

[Mike]

Oh, well, yes. A headmaster is like if a magical. If a child misbehaves, the headmaster is picking them up, shoulder pressing them and throwing them out.

[Andy]

Or casting a spell.

[Josh]

Yeah, probably casting a spell, but they could use their strength.

[Mike]

I'm over on Matilda.

[Andy]

I see.

[Mike]

I see.

[Andy]

Would you rather. Andrew from the website, would you rather your brain actually release an audible. Oh, gosh, we're here again. Here we are again.

[Josh]

Right off the bat.

[Andy]

I know. Would you rather your brain actually release an audible smelly fart. When you have a brain fart? Okay.

[Josh]

Does that, like, come out your ears or.

[Andy]

Actually, it's not your brain, but through your ears. Yeah. Or actually get punched in the gut when you receive an emotional gut punch. A gut punch. Let's examine this. So, like, when we say the expression, hey, that was a gut punch. So sometimes that might be like, look, my grandmother died. That was a gut punch. That would suck for that moment.

[Mike]

You're sad, and then you got punched.

[Josh]

Someone walks up.

[Andy]

Actually, they'd probably walk up and say, your grandmother died, and then wallop, sorry for your loss. And then walk away. Now, the brain fart.

[Mike]

Those are more.

[Andy]

This could be why older people are gassier. Because the brain farts. They come on. The older you get, the less you Like Papa Josh, for example.

[Mike]

Yeah. And it's got to travel down south.

[Andy]

He'd be farting all day.

[Josh]

Yeah, I don't know that we could have him in a room.

[Andy]

Wait, did you. Did you say travel? You say the brain farts and then it comes out downstairs.

[Mike]

I'm saying the way it works right now.

[Andy]

Oh, okay.

[Josh]

Because this has already happened.

[Mike]

This is just a hypothetical question of. Your brain actually farts.

[Andy]

I like that it leaks out your ears or your nose. The nose is brutal.

[Josh]

Oh, the nose is brutal. That's too much.

[Andy]

It's gotta come out of something. Mike.

[Mike]

Your pores.

[Andy]

You can't just have like an ever expanding cranium.

[Josh]

No, I think he's right. Just leaks out of all your little.

[Andy]

Is it visible? Is there a small amount of.

[Josh]

Are your farts visible? If your farts are visible, that's not a fart. You know what?

[Andy]

They might be if they came. If they came out on my pores, who knows?

[Josh]

What kind of sound would that make?

[Mike]

Just like a. Oh, out the pores.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, no, it'd be real high pitched.

[Andy]

It has to be a fart sound.

[Josh]

Oh, it would be high pitch because.

[Mike]

Those are tiny little sphincters.

[Josh]

I can't even do it.

[Andy]

Micro sphincters.

[Mike]

I mean, only dogs might hear it at that piercing.

[Andy]

Look, I don't want. I don't get gut punched as often as I have a brain fart.

[Mike]

Yeah, but it's the double up of when you get the gut punch.

[Andy]

When's the last time you had the wind knocked out of you?

[Josh]

Oh, man. It's been a long time ago, but it is. It's brutal. You feel like you're going to die for a second.

[Mike]

You do.

[Andy]

So. I mean, it's just like as you grow up, you don't have that happen to you as often.

[Mike]

Well, you're just. You're not putting yourself in the position.

[Andy]

Right. So it's like, that would suck.

[Mike]

Like, when we. We did, you know, a few years of. Of old man. Recreational flag football. Did anyone get the window there?

[Josh]

I'm pretty sure that was young man.

[Andy]

Is there a chance.

[Mike]

Yeah. Compared to us now. Yes.

[Andy]

Is there a chance that we're misdefining? Like, is a gut punch anything you accidentally refer to as a gut punch? Because, like, I would refer to things that maybe aren't real gut punches.

[Josh]

I think it's anything that really upsets you. Anything that just.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's more rare.

[Andy]

It's super rare. I'm taking the gut punch. That's probably once every three years.

[Josh]

I don't know, man. You ever go and you're like, oh, I hope they got the mushroom biscuit. That's what I was asking. What's the soup of the day? And they're like, tomato. And you're like, oh.

[Andy]

And then he punches you.

[Josh]

Tomato bomb.

[Andy]

See, that's. Okay. Maybe you need to go the brain fart.

[Mike]

When the soup of the day is out, that's emotionally devastating.

[Josh]

It's a pretty big gut punch, depending on what my mood was going in. Like, if I was going there for that soup.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Josh]

And it's like, you don't have it today.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Boom.

[Josh]

In the stomach.

[Mike]

Yeah, I can see that.

[Josh]

I got food on the mind. I'm gonna. I'm. Potatoes.

[Mike]

I'm gonna take the ham and tomatoes. Let's go.

[Josh]

I'm gonna take the gut punch. Just because I'm going brain fart. Brain farts are far more frequently. Just.

[Andy]

What is your bf ph.

[Mike]

Per hour?

[Josh]

Probably, like 0.1, but it's a couple times a day.

[Mike]

I'd say one to three a day.

[Josh]

Yeah. So just call it two.

[Mike]

And how many real farts?

[Andy]

We talked about the big brain fart. That's.

[Josh]

Let's call it 200. I had a clicker once.

[Andy]

We talked about the fact that the epic new brain fart that has entered the society is the. I pulled my phone out and forgot what I'm doing on my phone. Yes, we talked about that. Yes.

[Josh]

Oh, that's true in the office. Because what happens is you pull your phone out to do something.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

You're like, oh, I need to check the email. I forgot. I've got to get back to this person. You pull it out. Notification, Google home alert. This. The camera has gone off. Oh, I got to check that out. You will never remember to send that email again. Fart.

[Andy]

Okay, so final answers. Yeah, I'M going gut punch. You guys are going.

[Mike]

I'm going fart gut punch.

[Andy]

Okay, David, from the website, would you rather never be able to use a microwave again or never be able to use a kitchen sink again? I will intro you into the thought process here with a story.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Andy]

My. You know him? My great uncle?

[Mike]

Yes, your Grunkle.

[Andy]

My Grunkle?

[Josh]

That doesn't sound good. It doesn't. But it's just what he is.

[Mike]

It's from Grunkle Stan on. What is that? There's a cartoon.

[Andy]

Of course there is, Mike. You know, you have never learned anything from anywhere else.

[Mike]

Something falls. Gravity Falls. It's a great show.

[Josh]

Grumpy Grunkle Stan, cartoon character from Gravity Falls.

[Andy]

Incredible.

[Josh]

Ding, ding, ding.

[Mike]

Great show.

[Andy]

So my Grunkle has never, ever owned a microwave. Ever.

[Josh]

Good for him.

[Andy]

His house has stayed in the exact same condition and state that it was born in. In the 50s or something. Wow.

[Josh]

He's never moved?

[Andy]

No. Everything he heats up, he heats up with an oven. He'll heat the oven.

[Mike]

That's the old fashioned oven.

[Andy]

And so the other day.

[Mike]

This is not like a. Like a countertop.

[Andy]

No, this is. This is.

[Mike]

This is an OG school.

[Andy]

Yeah. There's gotta be a laminate.

[Mike]

We're waiting 15 minutes for this thing to heat up.

[Andy]

Yes. So the other day my parents were trying to do him a favor. They bought him a microwave and they unboxed the microwave and they set it on the counter and they were going to show them how to use it, and they got so many mean looks that they boxed the microwave up and they brought it back to the store. We don't have. So he's not. I mean, his answer is easy.

[Josh]

Yeah, his answer is very easy.

[Mike]

Does he have a cell phone?

[Josh]

Microwave?

[Andy]

He has a cell phone, yes. In recent years, he has pulled that off.

[Mike]

Flip phone or are we talking smartphone?

[Andy]

I think it's semi smart.

[Josh]

Semi smart.

[Andy]

It's coming in green. Green bubbles.

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Josh]

Oh, oh.

[Andy]

It's coming in green bubbles.

[Mike]

Okay, I got you.

[Josh]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

You mean the font was green?

[Josh]

Like, I didn't know what you mean.

[Andy]

He messed it up.

[Josh]

I thought you meant he was coming in green like he was new to it. Oh, okay, so he was like, his.

[Andy]

Font is only green.

[Mike]

We all had different thoughts.

[Josh]

The green bubble makes sense.

[Mike]

Okay, so. But he's very anti microwave.

[Josh]

Psa. Green bubble people are the worst. Anyways, microwave or what was the other option? Kitchen. Sick. I mean, this. I don't understand how this could actually Be a question.

[Andy]

Yeah. Look, anybody that's had their water turned off before and you wait and you see that you need to do anything, you can't do it.

[Josh]

You can't live without a kitchen sink. You cannot live without a kitchen sink.

[Mike]

No, you cannot.

[Josh]

You've got to rinse dishes. You've got to wash your hands.

[Mike]

You got to haul these into the bathroom.

[Josh]

Yeah, let me go wash the dishes, get my dish cart like I'm a busboy, bring them down the hallway to the bathroom. You just can't live that way. On the flip side, living without a microwave is probably a pretty big upgrade for your health.

[Andy]

Living without a microwave.

[Mike]

Yeah. And just taste.

[Andy]

No, but what about like leftovers and stuff?

[Josh]

No, I'm not saying I use a microwave, but I'm just saying if it was like, I can't just make a microwave dinner, instead, I'm gonna have to use my stovetop. Probably better. Unless I'm making stovetop stuff.

[Andy]

I'm gonna be honest. I haven't used my microwave to make a microwave dinner in ever like 15, 20 years. I mean.

[Josh]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

Because you're not eating microwave dinners.

[Andy]

Yeah, because who eats microwave dinners?

[Josh]

Do people eat those college kids? Oh, man. I lived on Salisbury steak, dude. Yeah, but you're feeling apple coupon.

[Andy]

You're a grownup.

[Mike]

In my early 20s, the Hungry man.

[Josh]

Had this hunger man had some stuff, dude.

[Mike]

And it was like gigantic fried chicken strips, huge potato wedges, a big old slop of cheese. Oh, man. This thing had at least 1200 plus calories in it.

[Josh]

Oh, yeah, but pure poison.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure.

[Josh]

But the.

[Mike]

Are we.

[Andy]

Am I off base here? Everyone's eating those a lot.

[Mike]

Are you.

[Andy]

You guys are both nodding back there. I apologize to all the. The industry people.

[Mike]

What are you eating back there, Papa?

[Andy]

Yeah. What's the brand?

[Josh]

Marie Callender's.

[Mike]

Oh, like a pot pie from the 90s. Popeye is not a TV dinner.

[Andy]

They still have those restaurants.

[Josh]

It's a microwave dinner. Yeah, but no, they have the whole TV dinner.

[Andy]

Actually, I would count that as a TV dinner. A pot pie in the microwave? Really? I think so, yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I mean, I know what you're talking about. Like a pre portion three section.

[Mike]

It's different.

[Andy]

I guess that's what I meant when I said I haven't heated. I probably heated.

[Josh]

It's gotta have the compartments.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

To be a microwave dinner.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Josh]

To be. Yeah.

[Mike]

And why just microwave dinner, TV dinner.

[Andy]

Microwave dinners have to tell you how much they're dinner on the Boxes.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You know what I mean? Like, you would not.

[Mike]

This is definitely dinner.

[Andy]

This is definitely your dinner.

[Mike]

But the.

[Andy]

What's your brand there? What do you got? Trader Joe's. The butter chicken. It's a microwavable. Yeah, it's really good.

[Mike]

Is it frozen or is it.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's got to be frozen. It's frozen.

[Josh]

Oh, Trader Joe's has some good frozen food.

[Mike]

I'm in on the hashtag. Not a sponsor, but I upgraded my air fryer a bit ago, so I got the double compartment.

[Andy]

I thought this was your helicopter.

[Mike]

No, I know. It's me pulling out both compartments of my.

[Andy]

Is the double worth it?

[Mike]

Because the double has. It's got air fry bake. I've thought about it and some other options. So I reheat all of my leftovers exclusively in this Bad dog. It takes longer, but it tastes so much better.

[Andy]

You see, they have these air fryers that are over like glass compartments now. Like, Ninja has one that's. It's a glass.

[Josh]

What?

[Andy]

It's glass. It sits on top of a glass bowl. And that's how you air fry.

[Josh]

I have not seen it.

[Mike]

And then it falls into the bowl.

[Josh]

I got a new air fryer that is.

[Andy]

It's not levitating. It's in the bowl being air fry.

[Josh]

I've got one that is really wide, so I could do pizzas in there.

[Mike]

Like a full size pizza?

[Josh]

Well, yeah, like a frozen pizza. You put it in there.

[Andy]

Whoo.

[Mike]

That's nice, huh? Learning all sorts of stuff.

[Andy]

How big can they make air fryers?

[Josh]

Big enough for.

[Mike]

Big enough for pizza.

[Andy]

Yeah. That's fair. Okay, where were we? Yeah, I'm gonna keep the sink.

[Josh]

Yeah, of course.

[Mike]

Not possible.

[Andy]

Steve from Patreon. Would you rather a personal shape chauffeur? Personal chauffeur at all times. Which sounds amazing. A private jet. It's only available for one trip a month. That sounds amazing. Or a private yacht available for six weekends per year.

[Josh]

Six weekends per year is outstanding.

[Andy]

I. Dude, I feel like the water. The water is too dangerous. The water's just.

[Mike]

You know what's going on down there.

[Josh]

You can be on a lake.

[Mike]

You wouldn't even believe what's going on.

[Josh]

You can be on a private yacht on the lake.

[Andy]

That's lame.

[Mike]

You can't have a yacht on a lake.

[Josh]

That's like a yacht on the lake.

[Andy]

You might as well.

[Josh]

I've looked it up.

[Andy]

You might as well have it on the freaking land.

[Mike]

I mean, that's not a boring.

[Andy]

The yacht to me. Is cool because of the ocean. Yes, but then I also feel like the ocean wants to eat us.

[Josh]

Yeah, I was.

[Mike]

We don't belong there.

[Andy]

Like, we will die on it, like six weekends a year. I'll die in one of those.

[Josh]

Okay, if you're afraid to go on a boat, then, sure, cancel the boat out. But I'm just saying that if you.

[Mike]

Ever call a boat, they'd be real mad at you.

[Josh]

Well, I would assume you're way more scared on a boat in the ocean than a yacht.

[Mike]

That's the same. Same, same, same baby, same, same.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Mike]

Anything on the ocean, the ocean cares not for. Of your boat.

[Josh]

Yes. It wants to swallow you. You're telling me you're on a little two person, you know, boat with an oar. That's the same saying.

[Mike]

That's a canoe.

[Josh]

It's big enough. No, it's wide. It's wide. It's a fishing boat.

[Andy]

I gotta read this. The number of yachts is from AI search labs. Google. Thank you. The number of yachts that sink each year varies, but there have been more yacht sinkings in recent years. In 2024, 12 yachts were completely destroyed, which is the highest number of yachts destroyed in the last decade.

[Josh]

But we don't know if people were on them when they sunk.

[Andy]

What do you think, they go out on their own?

[Josh]

I think hurricanes happen and then they're in the harbor. What do you think it's on land?

[Mike]

Yeah. You can't park your yacht. I can't pull that thing up into the backyard.

[Andy]

Rough weather. Collisions, agents, collisions.

[Josh]

You're in the middle of the ocean, bro.

[Andy]

Watch out, it counts with colliding to the land.

[Josh]

Oh, all right.

[Andy]

Never seen a shipwreck. Age of the fleet. Older yachts are more likely to sink, as you might know.

[Josh]

Math checks out on that one.

[Andy]

So you're just. You would just sail across the ocean?

[Mike]

Blue.

[Josh]

No, I don't think that's what I'm going to take. My only point was that it was very gracious to have six weekends per year. Al Borland and I, a couple years ago, we went in on a boat club. So have you heard?

[Andy]

I know you did. And how'd that work out?

[Mike]

What kind of boats would you.

[Josh]

So they.

[Mike]

It was like renting a boat.

[Josh]

Yeah. So up at the lake by us, there was a boat club where you could.

[Mike]

Was it a yacht?

[Josh]

No, yachts.

[Andy]

He looked into it at the time.

[Josh]

There were really nice boats. There's like, you know, you could have 20 people on a boat. It's A double decker with a slide out the back. Or you could get a speedboat or. And it was only like 200 bucks a month as far as For a. Compared to owning a boat.

[Andy]

Does that include rescue?

[Josh]

It's a lake. I can swim. No rescue needed, no crashes. We went 100%. But my point is like, how many.

[Andy]

Times you take it out?

[Josh]

Exactly three times in two years. Like, I just finding a time to go to the lake just never worked for my schedule. Because it's not worth it. A lake. To your point, it's not good enough. It's just not good enough.

[Andy]

The idea of having a boat and doing that, it's a lot of work. It's great. When you got it and you're out on the lake, it's amazing. Yes, but it's a lot of. Like, you'd rather just rent a boat.

[Josh]

Oh, for sure. That's. I mean, owning a boat. Like my wife wanted to get a boat and I'm like, you have so much startup money, then you gotta take care of it. Maintenance, Maintenance. And like. I'm not. I want you to know I will do none of that.

[Andy]

That's what the club's about.

[Josh]

I will wipe none of the things off the outside. You have to. I mean, the answer here is clearly a private jet. For me, it's a private jet.

[Andy]

Once a month is nice. That'd be nice.

[Josh]

I can make time for once a month. And you know where I can go? Anywhere. I mean, most places. Anywhere within probably a thousand miles. I was gonna say.

[Andy]

Would you like. Yeah. How far would you travel?

[Josh]

I would travel as far as Tank, Laos.

[Andy]

Oh, so yeah, I guess that makes sense.

[Josh]

I don't know. Can you do like a private jet from Phoenix to New York?

[Mike]

I would think so.

[Josh]

Okay, well, that's all I need. New York, Florida, California.

[Andy]

If you go overseas, they have to pull up a second jet next to you and you walk over to it to swap to the full one.

[Mike]

Oh, it's not the executive decision. Jet comes in a drink, fuels you. We could look into it real quick on the boats. Do we have any other classification for boats as they get bigger?

[Josh]

Like bigger than a yacht?

[Mike]

No, no, no.

[Andy]

There's the yacht, the cap.

[Mike]

Yeah. It's because you're like, you're like a two person boat and then you're like, I got this 20 person boat.

[Andy]

Right. It doesn't feel like it's fair.

[Mike]

You know what? I got a car. I got a sedan. I got a minivan.

[Josh]

Right.

[Mike]

I got a sprinter van.

[Andy]

They definitely have different names for boats. We just don't know them. We just call them boats. Because other people will call all cars cars. But you'd be like, no, that's a sports car.

[Josh]

I've got bad news for you guys.

[Mike]

Which one of us.

[Josh]

For both of you.

[Andy]

I'm quitting.

[Josh]

There are different classes of boats based on size.

[Mike]

No, that's great news.

[Josh]

No, it's bad news because here's what the classes are.

[Mike]

Boat. Boaty, McBoat face.

[Josh]

It's worse than that.

[Mike]

Mike.

[Josh]

You've got class A, class one, class two class. Get out of here. Call it a sedan or something. Come up with a cool name.

[Andy]

Yeah, we don't have class one cars. Class two cars.

[Josh]

Yeah. That's stupid.

[Mike]

Boat people, respect your craft. Respect the boat.

[Josh]

Here.

[Andy]

Here's my only concern with the post personal chauffeur situation. If I can speak properly. I would love that. I hate. I honestly would love to be driven everywhere that I ever go. I would make me. It would make me want to go to restaurants that are in downtown or in. Like, I don't like the driving to unknown areas for a long period of time. It's stressful. I don't like it. I would love the chauffeur. I do worry I'd leave the dude sitting out front all the time. Like, it would. It would wear off. Like, would I just. Would you invent places you have to go to feel like the dude's not just sitting there?

[Josh]

That's his job, man.

[Andy]

To sit in the car.

[Josh]

Sit in the car.

[Andy]

Oh, I would feel bad.

[Josh]

Read a book, watch a movie. He's got a phone that's got Netflix on it.

[Andy]

He's.

[Josh]

He's living his life in there.

[Andy]

I'd probably send him on little.

[Josh]

Oh, you're going to make him an errand boy for his sake.

[Mike]

That's an assistant.

[Josh]

Right. Go pick up my dry cleaning. Do you want me to drive you there, sir? No, I want you to drive you there. Get out of the car.

[Mike]

I won't be doing that.

[Andy]

A mannequin of me would be put into the vehicle when he does the errands.

[Josh]

Does the mannequin get out and do the errands once you get there? Because I don't think it's gonna work unless he's gotta park and go do your bidding.

[Mike]

Sure, sir. It's the mannequin again. He got me. Yeah.

[Andy]

I'd be like, I would go out there and I'd get in, I'd put the mannequin, and then I'd sneak out.

[Mike]

How many times can you trick him?

[Andy]

And then I'd just get on the phone. I would call, I'd keep the thing down and get on the phone.

[Mike]

Oh, like fear.

[Josh]

Bueller.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I'd be like, yeah, back here. Good job.

[Mike]

I am totally in the back of this car.

[Josh]

Just want to waste his gas.

[Andy]

Yeah, maybe I should just let him sit up front.

[Mike]

Keep driving, sir. I can't drive anywhere. Keep driving.

[Andy]

You guys want to give some life advice?

[Josh]

Go west.

[Andy]

Sir. I'm parked. All right, we'll take a break. We'll jump into some life advice.

[Josh]

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[Mike]

No.

[Josh]

Yes. It is a blast. Download the Prize Picks app today and use the code spitballers to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code SPITBALLERS to get $50 in lineups AFTER you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks it's good to be right.

[Andy]

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[Josh]

Spitballers to the rescue.

[Andy]

Well, if you know anything about us, after 313 magnanimous episodes and that conversation, we just. In that conversation, you know that we're in the business of helping you improve your life, dishing out tough answers to tough questions. But we're willing to tell you the truth. And that's what we do here. Landon from Patreon. Probably a really important question from Landon. I've been parking in the same parking spot at a parking meter that has been broken for months. Now it's suddenly fixed and I have a ticket. How do I argue my case of historical precedent? Or do I just pay up and move on?

[Mike]

I just love the. And now it's suddenly fixed.

[Andy]

This was.

[Mike]

How dare someone do their job. Yeah.

[Andy]

This is. You're on the hook, my man. I love the idea of you going to court on historical precedent. There might be a case after a certain amount of time.

[Josh]

Please. But it can't be historical precedent of it being broken. Historical precedent. Precedent of like, this was always a spot I was allowed to park in. It's fine. Historical precedent would be like, I show up and I'm like, I got away with 30 murders.

[Mike]

That's exactly.

[Josh]

You never caught me for any of those.

[Mike]

Please go to the judge, sir.

[Andy]

No. I'm gonna be the devil's advocate for you, all right? Because I think if you have tried to apply this and you took it from. How long did he say? He said the month. Months. Right. 10 years. 10 years. Same parking spot, same parking meter broken for 10 years. Don't you have an argument against the city?

[Josh]

Doesn't the city have an argument that you owe them a lot of money?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

It's like, I don't want to bring that up. You just keep that on the hook. Yeah.

[Andy]

You don't. You pay the fine and then move on.

[Mike]

This is a risk reward.

[Andy]

Yeah. You stole for a long time.

[Mike]

Like. Yeah. You got away with it, you know?

[Andy]

Don't.

[Mike]

What is it? Don't. Don't cry because it's gone. You know, like, laugh. Because you got to enjoy it.

[Josh]

Oh. Ironically, that, I think the quote you're looking for.

[Mike]

Do I have it backwards?

[Josh]

It's somewhat similar, but it does come from a doctor.

[Andy]

Of course.

[Josh]

Not a doctor.

[Mike]

Really?

[Josh]

Yeah, I think.

[Mike]

What's the quote?

[Josh]

Well, now that you said it wrong, I can't Think of it. It's like, don't be. Don't be upset it's over. Be happy that it happened or something. I don't know.

[Andy]

You got Google, right?

[Josh]

I'm looking it up.

[Mike]

I'm pretty sure I basically said that. Close enough.

[Andy]

But that's. So that's the answer.

[Mike]

Yeah. No.

[Andy]

Just be thankful for the time you didn't pay. Also now, the ticket might amount to more than all the parking meter fees combined. That's the unfortunate part.

[Mike]

Also now, Landon, break it.

[Andy]

What do we think about parking meter.

[Josh]

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah. Cool cliche.

[Josh]

A doctor. That's not a doctor.

[Mike]

What did I say? I was really close to the doctor.

[Andy]

Who's the doctor? Are you?

[Josh]

Oh, I mean, who knows?

[Mike]

We're all trying to figure out, what.

[Andy]

Do we think of the parking meter thing. It feels antiquated to me. Like, parking meters feel like. I don't know. It's like. It's a city, right?

[Josh]

Yes. It doesn't seem anti. I mean, it is. The actual device could be antiquated, but that makes complete sense to me, that there should be parking meters for areas to incentivize people not staying past a certain time.

[Mike]

And to pay for the area, you got to maintain the streets and everything. But the.

[Andy]

You guys are both. Big parking meter. Got it.

[Mike]

Love it. But they're. I mean, they're no longer. Put your quarters in. It's. Everything is.

[Andy]

Now, is it a different cost per class of car? Class one, class two cars. Class three cars. Class four cars.

[Josh]

You're thinking of boats. Yeah, but if you do park a boat there, it's more expensive.

[Andy]

It is to pay for 5 meters.

[Josh]

Here's one thing, and I hate to admit this, but I have had this thought many times, and this reminds me of it. Like, you know the cameras, the speed camera?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Josh]

They're going to. They're going to catch you speeding, they're going to take your photo, you're going to get the ticket in the mail. And now I know at least where we live in Arizona. They've been found, I don't know, unlawful or something.

[Mike]

Constitutional.

[Josh]

Unconstitutional. And so they're not here anymore. But I never understood, like, I hate them. I hate them. You know me, I like to speed. But why are those not allowed? That should be totally allowed because you.

[Mike]

Have to face your accuser.

[Josh]

They've got photographs. I mean, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You're telling me we don't use video Evidence in court.

[Mike]

Sometimes you go to court, sometimes you can't. It's inadmissible.

[Josh]

I'm just saying it's so silly. I have proof that you are breaking.

[Andy]

The law, but do you?

[Mike]

Yeah. Did it malfunction?

[Andy]

Yeah. Is that. Is it blurry? I mean, that wasn't me.

[Josh]

Let's say it's a crystal clear picture.

[Mike]

Of you, but let's say that you're like, no, and you're licensed.

[Andy]

Part of it is the subjectivity of speeding because there are situations where you're supposed to be going. The flow of traffic. There's situations where you're supposed to be. Maybe you're evading something that you needed to evade. The nuance is what breaks it a little bit. There is a controversy right now, a cash grab, some people are claiming of people getting. They're getting tickets for passing school buses via video. So the school buses have video on them. And if they have their sign out, which you're supposed to stop behind us, and if anybody passes those, they are getting.

[Josh]

They're getting things like snapshot it and getting sent a ticket.

[Andy]

Correct.

[Josh]

This is. I don't have a problem with that.

[Andy]

You don't mind it.

[Josh]

They should stop. If you have proof that they didn't.

[Andy]

Stop, they still have red light tickets.

[Josh]

Yes.

[Andy]

So apparently that one's okay.

[Josh]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It makes no sense.

[Andy]

I think speeding is just a little more subjective than passing. A hundred percent of people aren't supposed to pass that bus. 100% people can't run a red light. But some people can change their speed.

[Josh]

Yeah, I guess that's fair. It is weirdly subjective.

[Andy]

I guess they probably send them out. Unless you're way faster, though.

[Josh]

It's so funny because, like, we've got to this point, I'm teaching my kids how to drive and I'm like, you know, the first rule is you never go the speed limit. Like it's dangerous. It's. If you're. If it's a 40 mile an hour, if it's 40 miles an hour, it is dangerous to drive 40 miles an hour. Because no one else on that road is driving 40 miles an hour. I tell them five over and it's like, that's so dumb. Like, what? We should have a speed limit. That's like the speed you should drive.

[Mike]

Almost like the word limit.

[Josh]

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. But I feel like it would be. It would be better for a police officer to give someone a ticket driving 40 than 45 one is far more dangerous.

[Andy]

There is. I've seen videos of police officers pulling over left lane.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

People that are going the speed limit but impeding traffic because it's a passing lane and because it's the fast lane.

[Mike]

Yeah. And there's some areas that have minimums, too, where speed limit and speed mid. It's. It's pretty rare. But I've.

[Josh]

I mean, that's what they. They should literally just have speed. Minimum speed limit. And then too much.

[Andy]

Too much for me.

[Mike]

But.

[Josh]

But then it's like. But you have to actually do that.

[Andy]

Are there any speed limits with boats on the water?

[Josh]

No.

[Andy]

You can't catch me with your boat club. I don't think so.

[Mike]

There are.

[Andy]

There actually are.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Josh]

I mean, there isn't.

[Mike]

Like the wake in the harbor?

[Andy]

No, there's like. If I'm on the ocean, there's individual. Yes. If it's a lake, then the lake authorities set speed limits. Yes.

[Mike]

Huh.

[Andy]

Lake Tahoe has speed limits.

[Mike]

So are they out there with the laser guns and everything?

[Andy]

Yeah. I don't believe they're monitoring them. Yeah. Oh. They keep it locked down. They also put buoys that are related to speeds. So if you're within five miles of shore, there's a speed limit that you must maintain.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Josh]

By the shore.

[Andy]

It's a little more free out there, but you do have to follow the rules.

[Mike]

Yeah, but international waters. You're good, Jay.

[Josh]

There are no laws.

[Mike]

Open it up.

[Andy]

Kelly from the website. My neighbor. Oh, there's a good one. My neighbor has a very loud wind chime that keeps me awake on windy. On windy nights. How do I get rid of it without a confrontation? The problem, Kelly, with trying to get rid of it without confrontation is that she. Very likely he or she who has the wind chime will purchase another wind chime.

[Josh]

Yeah. They'll put it back up. If you take it down, they'll get a new one.

[Andy]

Unless you want to do this. I mean, three or four wind chimes break, maybe they stop.

[Josh]

That's fair. Drain their bank account. Keep breaking now. But do you take the risk? Like, let's just play this out. Let's say that the avenue you want to go is. I want to just get rid of that wind chime. I want to break it.

[Mike]

It's vandalism.

[Josh]

It's vandalism, right. You know, a little B and E. Well, you. If you're on the property, Right.

[Andy]

Yeah. Is it?

[Josh]

I think if someone comes on my.

[Mike]

Porch, if you jump, someone's fence, and you're in their backyard. Is that a B and E?

[Josh]

I think that's a B and E.

[Mike]

You didn't break nothing.

[Andy]

That's a J and E. Yeah, I jumped. Wait, wait, what's the E part?

[Mike]

Entry. Oh, breaking an entry. Right.

[Josh]

I don't know.

[Andy]

Breaking and entering.

[Mike]

Papa Josh says just trespass.

[Andy]

So this would be jumping and entering.

[Josh]

So trespass.

[Mike]

You're just trespassing anyways.

[Josh]

Okay, so a little trespassing.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

You go on their porch, little tv, and you decide, I want to destroy this wind chime. Do you take the approach of the risk of getting caught walking to the wind chime, going up, you know, maybe jumping that backyard fence and walking up the porch to take it down or to break it, or do you try to do it from distance?

[Andy]

Oh, distance would be like a BB gun. Break all the little glass pieces, maybe a Frisbee. I figured it out. You jump the fence, you bring over some of that spray glue. This thing ain't blowing in the wind, man. You just spray every.

[Josh]

And they never know.

[Andy]

Yeah, they don't know. It's not. I mean, because it's there. Well, who's going up and hitting the wind chime?

[Mike]

I was thinking, is there a way. Can you at least just dampen the sound?

[Andy]

Like, replace it with cotton swabs or whatever?

[Mike]

Like where they hit?

[Andy]

Yeah, just spray the thing, man.

[Josh]

Spray glue makes a lot of sense to me.

[Andy]

Now, you do have to jump the fence to do this.

[Josh]

Yeah. I mean, it is.

[Mike]

Or you could build a device.

[Josh]

Like a long tube.

[Mike]

Yeah, you could build a device and get that applied over there.

[Andy]

What if you fought fire with fire and you bought four wind chimes?

[Mike]

Bigger wind chimes.

[Josh]

You're going to sleep poorly for a bit.

[Andy]

For a time.

[Josh]

Or what if the neighbor loves it and they're like, oh, I'm getting more.

[Andy]

Because they're into wind chimes.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Then you.

[Josh]

I mean, they're obviously into wind chimes.

[Andy]

I feel like there are people that are wind chime people and people that aren't.

[Josh]

I think that is true, however.

[Andy]

Are you windshine people?

[Mike]

We have a chime.

[Andy]

All right, so how loud is it? Are you. Is this a letter from somebody else? No.

[Mike]

It is. No, it is. It is. It's not egregious.

[Josh]

Yeah. I don't think I would buy a wind chime, however, I kind of inherited a place that had wind chimes before I got there.

[Mike]

And you're feeling it. You feeling them?

[Josh]

Yeah, I love them.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Wind chimes are great. And it's funny because I can hear them when I say I like them, but it doesn't bother me. I like. I guess I'm a wind chime person.

[Mike]

Yeah. You don't have to have really loud ones, but just a little bit of.

[Andy]

Can you check under your hat real quick, Jay?

[Josh]

Oh, no.

[Andy]

Is there something underneath your hat? Let me just see. Point the hat towards me. Oh, you took the piece of paper out of the hat because there's some plastic on the front of the hat still.

[Josh]

Oh, look at that.

[Andy]

And I didn't know if you had pulled a new hat out.

[Josh]

And I did pull a new hat out and I missed a piece of plastic. Thanks.

[Andy]

I was just so hopeful that the big cardboard piece was on the inside of the hat.

[Josh]

I think I would feel that you.

[Andy]

Love wind chimes too, Papa John.

[Josh]

I do. Man. There are some really good quality sounding wind chimes out there.

[Mike]

It feels good, man. It's good energy.

[Andy]

Could anybody program a wind chime to play a song? Of course you could. No, like the theme from Lord of the Rings.

[Josh]

Wind.

[Andy]

If it was hit, I'm saying if the wind hit it, it would proceed through sounds.

[Josh]

That's got to be a wind chime.

[Mike]

That's a wind too. I thought you meant just like make sure that they're all the notes. So it's like it could be a familiar melody.

[Josh]

I know you can play like, you know, the ball rolling down the hill, hitting chimes to play a whole song. That's just not a win. That's a win.

[Mike]

I don't know. I remember which country did it, but they put essentially, I think it was to help with speeding. Like they put a bunch of raised portions. Not a speed bump. You know, just like a tiny little thing.

[Andy]

Yeah, the cut out divots. But it plays songs.

[Mike]

And if you're going the proper speed, then it will do the frequencies and it will play a song.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's fun.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

I want. I want to go the right speed. That's amazing.

[Andy]

That would get you to go. He'd try to play it in 2x.

[Josh]

This song sounds way better sped up.

[Andy]

You would just try to get it on beat, which is out of respect.

[Josh]

Have you guys seen the parking lots that have speed bumps that aren't speed bumps? They just paint a yellow strip.

[Andy]

Oh, to pump fake you.

[Josh]

To pump fake you. Oh, it works, man. You slow down, but then it's nice. You roll over and you're like, I did see that.

[Andy]

They were cutting grooves, tons of little grooves into intersections now because of these takeovers that are happening where people are spinning their cars out in intersections. Have you seen that?

[Josh]

No. Is that like a new thing?

[Mike]

No, that's a thing that people just doing donuts in the.

[Andy]

A whole group of people with. Yes, a whole group of people with their cars will go and spin donuts and take over an intersection. They're called intersection takeover thing. And now they're having to take buy. Cities are buying giant machinery to cut grooves so that the spinning won't work. Can we go Google it?

[Josh]

Interesting.

[Mike]

This is why we can't have nice things. Why do people suck?

[Andy]

Yeah, it's a thing. And now the cities are having to pay money.

[Josh]

Oh my gosh.

[Andy]

It's a la. I think is where they're happening.

[Josh]

No, Fort Wayne as well. The first. The first one I see is pumping the brakes on intersection takeovers in the valley. So that's here?

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. It's everywhere, man. Take them over. Just take them over and spin around.

[Josh]

Oh my gosh. The video of this is insane. Yeah, there's just someone.

[Mike]

They're just doing donuts.

[Josh]

Just doing donuts in an intersection. How do they not get caught?

[Andy]

So now they're having to cut up the intersections so that those aren't viable, I'm guessing.

[Mike]

Unless you had a cop just sitting there. Like you could do that for a while and then leave and be fine. This is just weird. What's your goal?

[Josh]

To be an idiot?

[Mike]

Your goal is just be obnoxious.

[Josh]

That's.

[Mike]

Wow. That's so bizarre to me. So bizarre.

[Andy]

All right, I think it's probably time to jump into our draft.

[Mike]

Oh, not a doctor.

[Andy]

Let's take a break. First.

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[Josh]

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[Andy]

For whatever reason, I was so close to not remembering that there was a back end to that ad break music. And I almost just overruns us back in. All right, we are drafting doctors that aren't doctors. And Jason, with his beautiful, amazing scat, earned himself the number one spot in the draft. So batter up.

[Josh]

Yeah. I'm not sure this is the best draft to have the 101, but.

[Mike]

Oh, it's the best.

[Josh]

You think so?

[Mike]

No.

[Josh]

Yeah. I don't know. You know, there's a lot of. A lot. I've got at least 15, 16 doctors on my list here.

[Mike]

My list is so big.

[Josh]

But I don't want you to forget about this guy.

[Mike]

Yeah. Okay. It seems like the number I think.

[Josh]

It'S the one on one is Dr. Dre.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Josh]

Okay. Everybody forgot about Dre. And he's. He's doing all right for himself now. So the doctor.

[Andy]

Okay, all right.

[Josh]

You don't like Dr. Dre?

[Mike]

I don't like it.

[Andy]

It's fine. It's fine. It was one of my, like, you know, like, if in Smash Glass picks.

[Josh]

Oh, that's okay.

[Mike]

Well, then you bring it.

[Josh]

Yeah. Let's. Let's hear this great doctor who's not a doctor. Andy.

[Andy]

I only got one pick right now. Right? So, yeah, I'll go with Dr. Seuss. Dr. Seuss is the number one pick.

[Josh]

That was my number two, so. And also, that is.

[Andy]

That is the quote. Yeah, that's why I figured that out halfway through.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Andy]

I'm going Dr. Seuss.

[Mike]

Okay. Well, there. I'm a little. I'm surprised you bypassed this one, so I'm going to take it. There is a man in a very famous trilogy in that show, in that movies, he's just called Doc.

[Josh]

Oh, my gosh. Oh, he's not on my list because.

[Mike]

He'S Dr. Emmett Brown, baby.

[Josh]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

Honestly.

[Mike]

Invented time travel.

[Andy]

I will. I'll be honest with you. I did not think that that one was allowed.

[Josh]

Oh, no, that's.

[Mike]

He's a scientist.

[Andy]

Because he's a doctor.

[Josh]

He's a scientist.

[Andy]

He's actually a doctor, though, in the show.

[Mike]

What?

[Josh]

He's a scientist in the movie.

[Mike]

What Doctor. A doctor.

[Andy]

A scientist. A doctor of.

[Mike]

Yeah, scientist.

[Andy]

He practices with his degree.

[Mike]

Science.

[Andy]

I'm so confused.

[Josh]

Dude, that's a great pick. That's a great pick.

[Mike]

We're on the same page.

[Josh]

Doc Brown.

[Mike]

Yeah. I mean, okay, yeah, he's not doing medicine. He's doing time travel.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And then the next one.

[Josh]

Medical. Doctors who aren't real doctors.

[Andy]

So you only meant doctors that don't practice medicine. Maybe you should have told me that.

[Josh]

Okay, new draft. Doctors.

[Mike]

It says it right there. Doctors that aren't doctors.

[Josh]

That's what that means. That is what that means. Anyone have a doctor here? No. Emmett Bram would not stand up.

[Mike]

No, he would not.

[Josh]

No, I can't give you the Heimlich.

[Mike]

I can fix the plane.

[Josh]

Right? Do you need to go back in time?

[Mike]

All right, a man. Where are we going to go? Here?

[Josh]

No.

[Andy]

If he picks the best medical doctor right now, I'm going to lose my Dr. Quinn.

[Josh]

Medicine woman.

[Mike]

No. Funny enough, this. This character is also in a trilogy. And he's always. He's trying to get either a million dollars or $100 million. He puts the pinky up. It's Dr. Evil, baby.

[Josh]

Very good.

[Andy]

Okay. Couple movie characters.

[Josh]

Yeah, nice.

[Andy]

Dr. Brown. Dr. Evil.

[Josh]

Pretty sure he was a real medical doctor, though, so, I mean, I never saw him prescribe, but just has that aura about him.

[Andy]

Dr. Pepper.

[Josh]

Oh, no, that was my next pick. That was my next pick for sure.

[Mike]

Oh, I. Dr. Pepper.

[Andy]

The Dr. Pepper people. By the way, voracious.

[Mike]

I have. I just had this conversation with my.

[Andy]

Daughter, too, because nobody kind of likes Dr. Pepper. My children love it. Or you don't drink it.

[Mike]

My children are Dr. Pepper people.

[Andy]

They are.

[Mike]

And, like, one of my best friends is Dr. Dr. Pepper person.

[Andy]

Are they Mr. Pitt people?

[Josh]

I thought you were gonna say one of my best friends.

[Mike]

Dr. Pepper.

[Josh]

There's gotta be someone out there, right? There must be someone out there whose last name is Pepper, of course, who got a doctorate, and he's Dr. Pepper now.

[Andy]

Is he an MD or A.

[Josh]

Does he have to, like, pay to put his sign up? You know, like. I'm sorry, that's trademarked.

[Mike]

It's a cease and disgust.

[Andy]

I would be making my word mark look so similar to the can.

[Josh]

Oh, for sure. Come to Dr. Peppers.

[Mike]

But the Dr. Pepper people are.

[Andy]

They're outrageous.

[Mike]

You're weirdos.

[Andy]

You ever had hot Dr. Pepper?

[Josh]

Oh, that's the next level of those weirdos. Hot Dr. Pepper.

[Andy]

All right, two picks, Mr. Dre.

[Josh]

It is good, though. Hot Dr. Pepper.

[Andy]

It's not that bad?

[Josh]

I mean, it's full of sugar. Like, of course it's gonna taste good. But.

[Mike]

But I mean, like.

[Andy]

But it's hot in a.

[Mike]

It's hot.

[Andy]

They use it in a Crock Pot.

[Mike]

Is hot Coke not good?

[Andy]

Yeah. Hot Coke's not Pepsi, probably.

[Josh]

Oh, that's weird. I thought you just stopped short on saying cocoa. You're saying hot Coca Cola. I'm like, hot cocoa is great. What are you talking about? Hot Coke. You know, I don't remember the rest of the word.

[Andy]

Dr. Dre is your first pick. You get two in a row, Jason.

[Josh]

All right, I've got a real person in Dr. Dre. I'm going to go with a superhuman person for my next one. I'm taking Dr. Strange. I'm going to travel in time.

[Andy]

I am the most. What do you call, uneducated person on the planet about who Doctor Strange is.

[Josh]

Oh, really?

[Mike]

I never got down with the multiverse.

[Andy]

Of madness, so I never saw any of his movies. The Doctor Strange movies. I've seen the Avengers where he's in the Avengers, where he's in him. And he's doing stuff, and I don't.

[Mike]

Know what he's doing.

[Josh]

It's funny because if you haven't seen the Sorcerer supreme, the Doctor Strange movies, his character is probably super weird in the Avengers.

[Andy]

I did see a video of him filming that movie and trying landing on the snow. Trying to be. And it took him hours because he couldn't land it without slipping on the snow.

[Mike]

Which for the people at home, they're like, he was a real doctor. Yes, he was a medical doctor at one point. And then he broke his hands, and then he became the Sorcerer Supreme. He's no longer a doctor.

[Josh]

Yeah. I mean, he's not taking any.

[Mike]

He's living in the past.

[Josh]

He's not taking anything. New clients. You cannot see him anymore.

[Mike]

Andy cannot handle this job. I don't get it. And we are. We're locked in.

[Josh]

I know. I mean, it makes complete. It's just doctors who aren't doctors. That's all it is. If he's got doctor in his name, but he's not practicing medicine. It's doctors who aren't practicing medicine and can't and don't practice medicine. That's what it is.

[Andy]

But if they.

[Mike]

Oh, no, that's got a good point. If he were on a plane and someone says there are a doctor on.

[Andy]

Board, he would stand up.

[Mike]

He would stand up.

[Josh]

He would totally stand up.

[Andy]

Yeah, buddy.

[Josh]

But to be fair. To be fair, if they were on a plane, he would never fly. And you said, is there a doctor on board? Tony Stark would stand up.

[Andy]

No.

[Josh]

Oh, he would. Tony Stark would say, not as a doctor. No, but he would say, I got this.

[Andy]

Look, you said, on a plane. Is a doctor on board?

[Mike]

You're ruining the argument.

[Andy]

And he stands up.

[Mike]

We were locked in.

[Andy]

He is now saying, I'm not in this draft. He stands up, goes, don't draft him.

[Josh]

Okay. So is Sorcerer supreme gone? Do I need to pivot to a different doctor?

[Andy]

Let these guys decide. I don't really care.

[Josh]

The judges in Deucer's Alley. You guys get to decide. Dr. Strange counts or doesn't.

[Mike]

Doesn't.

[Josh]

He's an actual doctor.

[Mike]

Yeah, I like. I was fine with him. Moving on. But since we earlier in the show set the bar.

[Andy]

As long as you trip over your own stupid roles sometimes.

[Josh]

No, I mean, look, rules are rules. I'm happy to abide by it.

[Andy]

All right, who's the next one?

[Mike]

Well, you got to do.

[Andy]

You got to do two more.

[Josh]

Yeah, I got to do two more. I'm going to go Dr. J. Dang it.

[Mike]

Julius Irving.

[Josh]

Perfect. Famous basketball player.

[Andy]

Great. I wanted him. It also rhymes with Dr. Dre. So you have Dr. Dre.

[Josh]

I got Dr. J. Dr. Dre. I should have had Dr. Seuss because it would have been a theme. You know, he likes to rhyme, and he didn't get it.

[Andy]

I didn't think Seuss rhymed with Jay or Dre.

[Josh]

So I was. Everybody got it. No. All right, so I got. I got one more pick here.

[Andy]

He's a doctor at Dunk.

[Josh]

And your prescription. I'm going posterized. All right. Since I can't take Tony Stark, you're out. I can't take Tony Stark.

[Mike]

Dr. Stark. No, he's not Dr. Iron Man.

[Josh]

But I can get Dr. Dolittle, so, yeah, that's fine. There we go. I give Robert Downey Jr. Dr. Doolittle. Yes. He was doctor. Nobody saw it.

[Mike]

Oh, you were the one at home. No, at home.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Mike]

This was streaming.

[Andy]

Who's typing these in? My favorite part is he spelled his name d, o, o.

[Mike]

Space.

[Andy]

Little did. Wait, do little.

[Josh]

Dr. Do little. He does nothing. Does jack squat.

[Mike]

Josh.

[Andy]

Probably. What?

[Mike]

I don't think he is actually. Is he actually a vet?

[Josh]

No. Wait, a vet's not a doctor. But did he have a doctorate and then transition to animals?

[Andy]

Because then we're going to let him go. Let him go.

[Josh]

All right.

[Andy]

He's not real because the animals can't talk. He's Pretend. We'll let it happen.

[Josh]

You know that Dr. Strange doesn't have magic, right?

[Mike]

Anyways, like, who. Why would you name your character Dolittle?

[Andy]

Because that's the joke that they. Dolittle.

[Josh]

Is it?

[Andy]

It's funny. Yeah. Dr. Dolittle.

[Mike]

He's like, haha. That guy who talks to animals. That's funny.

[Andy]

When it was invented, that was what funny was.

[Josh]

That must be an old character.

[Andy]

My selection here, I will go with one of my favorite characters on any movie ever. And historically, mostly how he's portrayed in movies. I'm going Doc Holliday.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

I'm going Doc Holliday in the Gunslinger.

[Josh]

Oh my gosh. I would have taken him for sure. He wasn't on the.

[Mike]

No, you would do little.

[Josh]

What a great pick. Doc Holliday.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yours talks to raccoons and stuff. Mine OK Corral. Doc Holliday, baby.

[Josh]

Great pick. See, you act like you don't understand this draft. You're doing great.

[Andy]

All right.

[Josh]

Dang it.

[Andy]

Yeah, I think he got that name because at one point in time he did some dental work. There ain't no way that's a. He ain't no practicing medicinal doctor.

[Mike]

Doctor, also a dentist is standing up.

[Josh]

No.

[Mike]

If they stand up, sir, you need to sit down immediately.

[Andy]

If he was a good.

[Josh]

You need to jump off the plane.

[Mike]

This man's heart is stopped. He doesn't have a cavity.

[Andy]

He couldn't help his own tuberculosis. I know that.

[Josh]

Yeah, yeah. He needed a doctor. He's just a doc.

[Andy]

I'm your huckleberry. All right, Mike, two picks. Dr. Brown, Dr. Evil, so far.

[Mike]

So this guy, definitely not a doctor. Just masqueraded as one at one point in his career because he's a plumber. Oh, Dr. Mario. What was that all about? Nintendo. What are you doing? We got this plumber. He goes to Mushroom Kingdom. He stays the princess. Oh, also, he's a doctor. What is that?

[Andy]

They took liberties.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Andy]

They also rides a dinosaur.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's fair, Mike. One more, but that's in a different lane.

[Andy]

With a long tongue.

[Mike]

Yeah. With a voracious appetite.

[Andy]

Mike, you got one more pick.

[Mike]

I get one more pick.

[Josh]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

Man, there it. I'm seeing a theme here. It's a lot of bad guys.

[Josh]

Oh, the doctors are evil.

[Mike]

A lot of bad guys.

[Josh]

Like Dr.

[Mike]

Evil. I've got a few. I'm going to go where you're going now. Yeah, I'm going to take that one. I'm going to. It's the. The man. I'll get you next time, Dr. Claw. Go, Dr. Claw, baby.

[Josh]

Good, that's fair.

[Mike]

That Inspector Gadget, he was always up to his no good hijinks.

[Andy]

Is it back to me?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Josh]

Oh, man, that's impressive.

[Andy]

You do a good Dr. Claw.

[Mike]

I'm also the diamond in the rough.

[Andy]

KB. All right. Dr. Seuss, Dr. Pepper, Doc Holiday, and you know what? Just because it'll annoy you guys, this is a. So this will give me no votes. Maybe from the.

[Mike]

It will only annoy me if they would stand up as a doctor.

[Andy]

Is Doc Gooden. I'm taking Doc Gooden, Famous pitcher of the New York Mets.

[Mike]

Oh, never heard of him.

[Josh]

Yeah, if I had a cricket sound effect, I would play it.

[Andy]

It brings me more joy that you haven't because you're both so stupid.

[Mike]

Was he playing with old curly mustache guy?

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. Doc Gooden's a pick.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Mike]

Is he playing with Babe Ruth?

[Andy]

I said I didn't expect either of you to appreciate it.

[Josh]

I just thought you meant civilized and I wouldn't appreciate it. Not that no one on the planet Earth.

[Mike]

Well, Doc's ancestors, they really like it.

[Andy]

Doc Gooden pitched Grunkle.

[Josh]

Grunkle probably loves that pick. That's for Grunkle.

[Andy]

All right, rounded out Jay. Who do you have?

[Josh]

All right, well, right Now I got Dr. Dre, Dr. J and Dr. Dolittle. I'm deciding between two here, but I'm gonna. I'm gonna take. The heart wants what the heart wants.

[Mike]

Do it, man.

[Josh]

It's really similar to Andy's and that. It's not. It's not a vote getter, but I was a humongous Animaniacs fan growing up. I'm taking Dr. Scratch and Sniff. Dr. Otto. Scratch and Sniff.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Josh]

Oh, baby. Yeah.

[Andy]

I don't know who that. You just insulted me for. No one knowing who you're talking about. Mike knows every reference known to man. Mike doesn't know who it is?

[Mike]

Well, I don't know the name.

[Andy]

Let me look it up.

[Josh]

It's probably 50.

[Andy]

What animal is it?

[Josh]

It's not an animal. It's a man.

[Andy]

Oh, no, no.

[Mike]

I know. This is. I didn't know his name was Dr. Scratch and Sniff, but I know who he is.

[Andy]

You and Animaniacs were a match made in heaven.

[Mike]

Animaniacs was sensational.

[Josh]

Spielberg.

[Andy]

I mean, this draft did fall apart.

[Mike]

Josh's top tier.

[Andy]

Just so I have an answer between.

[Josh]

Scratch and sniff and Dr. Scholz.

[Andy]

Oh, Dr. Scholz.

[Mike]

Dr. Scholz, I think was.

[Andy]

That's a doctor, though.

[Josh]

Yeah, but I'm taking the brand.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Brand's not a doctor.

[Andy]

Dr. Jackal. Dr. Who. Dr. Frankenstein.

[Mike]

Oh, Dr. Who.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, Bibbili. Big man.

[Josh]

I didn't watch it.

[Andy]

I chose Doc Gooden because I know him. I never saw Doctor who. I thought about taking it for the vote.

[Josh]

My wife watched. I knew that would be a huge vote getter, but I've never seen it.

[Mike]

I had Dr. Robotnik.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Who's that from Brother of Scratch and Stiff. Oh, that's Phineas and Ferb, man.

[Andy]

Oh, okay.

[Mike]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz is fantastic.

[Andy]

Some doctors have weird names.

[Mike]

And then Dr. Roxo.

[Josh]

Okay. Dr. Frankenstein. Is that a doctor? Is that a real doctor?

[Andy]

I mean, he wasn't the monster.

[Josh]

And then Dr. Moreau.

[Mike]

He did bring someone to life, though.

[Andy]

Dr. Somebody was already dead. That's more of a mortician.

[Mike]

Doctor.

[Josh]

Dr. Moreau. The island of Dr. Moreau.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Is he a real doctor? I don't think he's a scientist. Ah, whatever. Yeah.

[Andy]

So, yeah. Anybody we forgot back there?

[Josh]

Dudes, I'm sure Dr. Doom. Mike.

[Mike]

Yeah, he is on the list. He is on my list.

[Andy]

Yeah. That's better than Gooden. Anybody called? Just the doc.

[Mike]

Doc.

[Josh]

Also Doctor who.

[Mike]

Brown.

[Josh]

Is Doctor who an actual doctor?

[Mike]

No.

[Josh]

I don't know.

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Josh]

I've never watched the show.

[Mike]

Did you watch Doctor who, Josh?

[Josh]

No, I've never seen it.

[Mike]

Who is watching Doctor who?

[Andy]

My wife.

[Josh]

Oh, everybody. Everybody that I know. Everybody in Britain.

[Andy]

Everybody in Britain.

[Mike]

But they.

[Andy]

It's a British show.

[Mike]

I know people are watching.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's very, very popular, but I.

[Mike]

Don'T know who they are. Yeah, there's like, a bajillion episodes, right?

[Andy]

Yeah. And there's different doctors. They've had, like, actors change, so they're like.

[Mike]

Because that's how old the show is.

[Andy]

They've had, like, 10 of them.

[Josh]

What did we learn today?

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh.

[Josh]

So much.

[Andy]

I learned so much about how little I know about how to draft.

[Josh]

I learned that you can get a speeding ticket.

[Mike]

And I learned we need to fix the doctorate versus doctor issue.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Let's get our top people on this.

[Andy]

I still think the non MDs need just lowercase letters in front because they'll never claim it.

[Mike]

They'll just be Ted. It's embarrassing. Yeah.

[Andy]

Goodbye, everybody.

[Mike]

Goodbye.

[Andy]

See you next week.

[Josh]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense is the guys are up to. Check out spitballerspod.com.

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