Hiring A Larcenist & Worst Things to Step on Barefoot - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Hiring A Larcenist & Worst Things to Step on Barefoot - Spit Hits!

Air Date: May 4, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

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Main Theme/Overview

This classic “Spit Hit” episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast is a riotous blend of hypotheticals, life advice, and off-the-rails banter from Andy, Mike, and Jason. The show delivers its signature brand of clean, family-friendly comedy as the trio debates topics like “Would You Rather” dilemmas, the legal and moral implications of disposing of a dead body, and—most hilariously—the worst things you could possibly step on barefoot. The episode features lively drafts, audience questions, and the recurring game “Guess Guess Goose.”

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Episode Breakdown

Scat Intro & Self-Awareness

• [02:08] - The show opens with the customary, somewhat forced “scat” intro, followed by immediate meta-commentary from the hosts:
  • “Do people still want us to do this?” – Mike
  • “I hope not. I really think they don’t.” – Jason (02:17)
  • “We take turns scatting through the intro because it’s like a punishment, right?” – Jason (02:39)

The hosts joke about just how awkward the scatting has become for new and old listeners alike, and debate crowd-sourcing who must scat next via social media polls.

Would You Rather Scenarios

Ultimate Frisbee vs. Mini Golf vs. Golf vs. Disc Golf

• [04:54] - Listener Javier asks which game the guys would choose and who’s best at which.
  • Andy discards mini golf as “not competitive enough,” unless there's money on the line, preferring regular golf for the outdoors and competition.
    • “I just want competition. Regular golf will be my vote because it is touching grass.” – Andy (06:25)
  • Jason owns up to being “not competent at golf” and prefers disc golf, though complains about Arizona’s “hideous” disc golf courses.
  • Mike sides with mini golf: “If there’s not a windmill or a clown, get it out of my face. I want mini golf where I hit it up… that’s a hole in one!” (10:14)

Road Trip: Obnoxious Teenagers or Grumpy Elders

• [10:29]
  • Andy recalls high schooler road trips rife with “multiple teenagers barfing.”
  • Jason asks, “What is worse: a teenager’s fart or an old person’s fart?” Andy: “Old... because you feel like there’s something that’s broken. Been in the crypt for a long, long [time].” (11:36)
  • Mike points out: “Teenagers will not fall asleep. The elders will. Old people. Oh, goodness, yes.” (10:55)
  • Comprehensive debate on the likelihood of passengers dying or needing to use the restroom in the van ensues.

Morbid Tangent: Legal Duties When a Passenger Dies

• [14:22]
  • The hosts riff on what to do if someone "expires" in a van: “Can you abandon a body?” “Do you have to leave a note?” (15:16)
  • Al chimes in: “You could be charged with failure to report a death.” (15:35)
  • Jason: "If abuse of a dead body is on [your record]... I don't care your story, you're not getting hired." (16:20)
  • Leads to a running joke about hiring a larcenist over someone with “abuse of a corpse”—birth of the episode title.

Fighter Jet, Stunt Pilot, or Commercial Airline Pilot

• [18:46]
  • All agree: Fighter jet is the obvious (if aspirational) choice.
  • Jason doubts Andy/Mike’s G-force tolerance: “I just don't believe in any way, shape or form that either one of you could [handle it]… You have a hard time sitting in the passenger car of a vehicle when you're not driving.” (24:10)
  • Debate over what pilots actually do: “They do jack squat.” – Jason (19:56); “Once you’re on the interstate and just going straight, you just hold the wheel.” – Mike (21:31)
  • Entertaining speculation about whether pilots can sleep on international flights (they can, as long as one pilot is awake). (21:52)
  • Andy suggests live camera access to the cockpit for passengers. (23:05)

Supersonic/Space Flight for Travel

• [29:01]
  • Andy laments that supersonic commercial flight vanished after the Concorde era; everyone expresses trepidation about proposed suborbital rocket-travel (“I can’t do jumping jacks anymore!” – Mike, 30:24).

Game Segment: Guess Guess Goose

[30:42]

• Jason, wearing the “Goose Hat,” attempts to explain the rules with much correction and ridicule from his cohosts.
• Game Mechanics:
  • Each host guesses what percentage of people do a certain thing (e.g. Q-tipping habits, public pooping, shower behaviors).
  • Others guess “higher or lower.”
  • Tension between “majority equals correct” and “people are weird” is a recurring motif.

Notable/memorable questions:

• What percentage of people use Q-tips to clean their ears five times a week?
  • Jason: "I do this every day."
  • Both Mike and Andy overestimate; turns out it's 33%. (34:45)
• What percentage refuse to poop anywhere but home?
  • Close guesses: Mike/Andy both go high; actual is 54%. (37:09)
• Shampoo-rinsing direction in the shower?
  • Spirited, silly debate:
    • Jason: “You face the wall. You don’t face the wall. It’s irrelevant. But your hair is on the back of your head, so obviously the back should be towards the water!” (39:03)
  • Only 19% rinse facing the water—a shock to Jason, who is in the minority. (40:55)
• Attempted juice cleanse? Only 7% of people have tried it!
• Superstition about blowing out all birthday candles in one breath: 42% (44:19)
• Ignoring restaurant straws and drinking from the glass: Just 14% (46:52)
  • Kicks off a sidebar about ice chewing, teeth sensitivity, and “anemia” as a reason for ice cravings.

“Guess Goose” Final Scores:

• Andy: 4
• Mike: 2
• Jason: 1 Jason is doomed to explain the rules next time.

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Main Draft: Worst Things to Step on Barefoot

[48:22]
The trio each picks the worst imaginable things to step on sans footwear, ranging from common childhood hazards to morbidly creative inventions.

Round-by-round picks and key banter:

• Andy:

  • Lava: “The floor is lava!”
  • Fire ant hill: “A fire ant hill.”
  • Landmine: “If you think it sucks to step on a landmine with your shoes on, let me tell you, you go do that bad dog barefoot!” (59:21)
  • Nail: “It’s the Home Alone nail through the foot.”

• Mike:

  • Broken Glass: “Per the rules of the Spitballers Podcast—and the fact that Die Hard must be mentioned—broken glass will be up on that list.” (52:05)
  • Mousetrap: “I’ve never done this, but a mousetrap… have you guys ever done any mousetrapping?”
  • Hypodermic needle: “You’re gonna be so freaked out, and it’s going to hurt.” (60:27)
  • Scorpion: “Step on one, that thing’s gonna sting you, and you got venom in your foot.”

• Jason:

  • LEGO: “Those are diamonds on the floor… Everyone stepped on a LEGO.”
  • Hot, fresh dump (human): “I would step on a LEGO to avoid a hot, fresh dump.” (54:56)
  • Pregnant spider: “This has happened to me… The ground turned black with baby spiders, man. That’s genuine nightmare fuel.” (61:19)
  • Banana peel: “Not as good as hypodermic needle, but it’s on the list.” (63:31)

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• “Why are you the way that you are?” – Jason to Mike about ice chewing (50:17)
• Andy: “If you made like, what’s the dollar amount to go into a truck stop restroom barefoot?” (66:07)

Honorable mentions:

• Thumbtack, hot pavement, quicksand, small puppy (“My son broke the leg of a small puppy—first day!” – Jason, 65:40), chewed gum, bee, vomit, public restroom, fish hook, and campfire.

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Notable, Memorable One-Liners

• “If abuse of a dead body is on your record… I don’t care your story, you’re not getting hired.” – Jason (16:20)
• “Bring on the Larson!” – Mike, on hiring a larcenist (16:44)
• “You should be able to livestream the cockpit when you’re in the back [on an airplane].” – Andy (23:05)
• “Step on a leg of a thousand miles—[there’s] lava within a thousand miles.” – Jason (54:14)

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Timestamps for Segments

• 02:08 - Opening Scat & Show Banter
• 04:54 - Would You Rather (Frisbee/golf)
• 10:29 - Would You Rather (Road trip with teens vs. elders)
• 14:22 - Legal Duties with Dead Bodies (Morbid Tangent)
• 18:46 - Would You Rather (Type of Pilot)
• 30:42 - Guess Guess Goose Game Begins
• 48:22 - Spitballers Draft (“Worst Things to Step on Barefoot”)

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Closing Thoughts

As always, the Spitballers keep it light, absurd, and family-friendly—even (especially?) when they’re pondering the logistics of corpse disposal, the aeronautics industry, or the horrors of stepping, barefoot, on the unspeakable.

Final Quote:
“I learned that pilots are totally allowed to nap while you fly.” – Jason (67:41)
“Did I learn anything today? Probably not.” – Mike (67:42)

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Recommended for:
Fans of clean, improvisational comedy, playful dad banter, and those looking for a laugh-out-loud distraction from real life’s seriousness.
Find more: spitballerspod.com

Transcript

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[A]

What's going on, Spit Wads? I know you were expecting a fresh episode today, but due to some traveling and some scheduling conflicts, unfortunately, we're going to have to bring you a spit hit this fine morning and just keep you in suspense for the next great episode of the Spitballers, a brand new one coming next week. In the meantime, enjoy a fabulous classic episode.

[B]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[A]

Ooh, ah eee ah. Oh ah.

[B]

E e. I get it.

[C]

Do people still want us to do this?

[B]

I hope not. I really think they don't.

[C]

Like we gotta.

[B]

We gotta get.

[C]

We gotta do some.

[B]

We gotta.

[C]

We gotta fix this too.

[A]

Cause it's not quite how I play how to play it out in my head.

[B]

New listeners, they start, you know, they have no idea what's going on. They've never listened to the show. They don't know that.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And never will again.

[B]

We take turns scatting through the intro because we're. Because it's like a punishment, right? And instead they never heard me say this. These words because they immediately have shut this off. Well, what the heck? What did I click on?

[A]

That was. Sometimes we, when desperate, have an interpretation of the draft, which.

[C]

That's good.

[A]

And our draft is the worst things to step on while barefoot.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I get.

[B]

I get it.

[A]

I was. Yeah. I was letting you know a little bit of how I react when I do step on something barefoot. Guest. Guest. Goose. And would you rather, on the show

[C]

today, maybe we do one more owl and then we shut it down? You wish.

[B]

I do wish. That'd be great.

[A]

That will never work. That will never work. The people will riot.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

I think they'll be fine.

[A]

We'll be drafting top 10 people who rioted.

[D]

Should we put up a poll and we go by whatever the answer is?

[A]

Sure. Gosh.

[C]

One week at a time, though.

[A]

Anything. Anything that we do that sucks for us to do will be voted for us to do. That's how it works.

[C]

We should vote.

[A]

That's like saying maybe we should quit having ALD Scout every once in a while.

[C]

I got a great idea. I have. I have an incredible idea. You put our four names up there every week on Sunday or Monday. We put it up and say who should do the next scat. Andy, Mike, Jason.

[B]

I do not like Jeremy. Yeah. Okay. If he's involved. Yes. I like it.

[C]

It'll be the four. We'll just put it up every week.

[D]

Josh, Matt. Got a whole crew.

[A]

Well, if you're still listening. Thank you. This is The Spitballers, episode 317. Look, it's a. It's a tough. It's a tough time coming up with 317. Brilliant scats. I mean, you need to set the bar low occasionally to go higher.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And we're getting it down there at Spitballers Pod over on X. Make sure you tell your friends and family about this show. I need to tell them about the beginning of the show. And here we go.

[B]

Would you rather.

[A]

Javier from Patreon, would you rather play ultimate Frisbee, disc golf, regular golf, or mini golf? Which of you are the best? Which are you the best at? And which would you have the most fun doing? I have played enough. Ultimate.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Ultimate Frisbee.

[C]

Have you ever played ultimate Frisbee?

[A]

Ultimate Frisbee is when you're out on a soccer field.

[B]

Right.

[C]

It's basically like. It's closer to football.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But when you catch, it's.

[B]

You can only take, like, one step.

[A]

And then disc golf, obviously, we know what that is. You got the.

[B]

That's golf. Except you're throwing it onto a basket.

[A]

Yeah. With different types of discs. And then regular golf or mini golf. I. Look, mini golf is going to be out for me. It's not competitive enough.

[C]

Interesting. You must play with schlubs.

[A]

No, look, if you want to go and we want to put some money down on a game of mini golf, I'm all in. I would love it. It'll be a blast.

[B]

You're saying you're too good.

[A]

No, I'm not that good.

[B]

It sounds like you're saying you're too good.

[A]

No, I heard every time I mini golf, I win.

[B]

No, I'm not great.

[C]

I just. I don't even really try. I just.

[A]

No, I don't. I don't know if I win. That's my point. I don't know what the heck happens. Nobody keeps score. I keep score every time there's kids involved.

[C]

Yeah. That's why I keep score.

[A]

If you want to go and lock in and mini golf and battle, that'd be fun. I don't know if I win or lose, but it would be fun. I just want competition. Regular golf will be my vote because it is touching grass. It is going outside and enjoying the, you know, all of the beautiful landscaping, all 18 holes. It's an experience that you can be competitive and enjoy the outdoors.

[B]

I think competition is extremely important. And so for that reason, golf is out for me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You are not competition.

[B]

I am not competent at golf. I can't do it, man. I don't. I don't like when I can't do something and I. I want to go out there again and try it out again so that I can be mad at myself again.

[C]

Have to take lessons. It's the only way to get better at golf, really.

[B]

I feel like I know a lot of people that golf and they didn't take lessons.

[C]

They're lying to you, Andy.

[B]

Have you taken lessons?

[A]

No.

[B]

You're lying to me is what I've learned.

[A]

I've been. Someone bought me lessons once. I just never used them.

[B]

I'm so good at golf. It's just natural. Yeah, but I suck at golf, so that's out. I really like disc golf. Disc golf is.

[C]

It's very fun.

[A]

We every get every disc golf. Careful course is abysmal that I've ever been to.

[C]

Well, because you live in. We live in a garbage state.

[A]

They don't make a beautiful course for disc golf.

[B]

Yes, they do, just not in Arizona.

[A]

They just hang baskets in between, like a Ravine and some dirt and old cactuses.

[C]

There are beautiful courses. I have seen videos of people playing people who live by trees.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Disc golf is incredible. It's electric. It's very fun. Well, but I agree that the most courses here in Arizona, it's, hey, do you want to throw out of this garbage, jump into that. That mound of sand.

[B]

Watch out for rattlers. They're in this area. So I'm going to keep the disc golf. I really enjoy it. I think I can compete a little bit better than that.

[A]

I think. You think you're pretty good at disc golf.

[B]

I think I am not terrible at disc golf.

[C]

Can you rip straight?

[B]

I can rip a straight.

[A]

You're a good backyard disc golfer, Right? Have you played a course?

[B]

Yeah, I've played a handful of courses.

[A]

I've never really gone out there and done it.

[B]

It's.

[C]

It's a.

[B]

But yet criticized.

[C]

Well, because it's hideous.

[A]

I criticized it because the times that I have gone out, it is not like a picturesque golf course.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Then he's just said, I have never gone out and done it.

[A]

Not a course. I mean, I've played like a couple holes.

[B]

I'm so confused right now because he's like, I've never gone well, but when I've gone, I thought, they look terrible.

[A]

I've never played a full course. Okay. Have you ever quit?

[B]

Yeah. I don't understand. What. How do you not play a hole?

[A]

You can't find a hole on a golf course randomly somewhere, but you can go to a park and all of a sudden there's a couple of baskets and you can go play and throw on those.

[B]

You're probably getting in the way of someone's back nine.

[C]

I doubt it. Can we play through here? I'm taking mini golf, baby.

[B]

You do love mini golf. We went to Vegas a week or two ago and you were talking and talking, talking about there's some new mini golf thing there and you wanted to go. We didn't go.

[C]

No, we were unable to go. And look, mini golf. To me, I have heard tale that there is how good Andy is. No. Of a. Well, I've heard that now. Yeah, but like, I think it's like Tiger woods and someone. They put together. Put together a mini golf here in Arizona and it's. It looks like real golf. No, absolutely not. If there's not a windmill, multiple windmills, or things of a clown, something of that sort. Get it out of my face. I don't want. You don't want that? No, I want mini golf. Where I hit it up. And if I get into the middle ramp of the clown's mouth, of the glance mouth, that's a hole in one. Like, that's. That's the type of fun stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I love. All right. It is so much fun.

[A]

Tommy from Patreon, would you rather go on a 12 hour road trip in a van full of obnoxious teenagers?

[B]

Been there.

[A]

Or grumpy elders?

[C]

Oh, man, what time are we leaving?

[A]

Which is most likely to, like, go to the bathroom inside of the van?

[C]

The elders.

[B]

I mean, that's not close. The elders have bowel problems.

[C]

But who's most likely to fall asleep? The elders.

[B]

Wait, are they driving or am I driving?

[C]

No, we're driving.

[B]

So you're saying a long road trip, they're all going to pass out.

[C]

Yes. Old people.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, goodness. Yes. Teenagers will not.

[A]

I do have recollections of being a high schooler in a giant van with a bunch of other high schoolers on winding roads and having multiple teenagers barfing, threatening that they're about to puke and everyone's hiding from one another, trying not to get thrown up on.

[B]

Speaking of bodily functions, what is worst, a teenager's fart or an old person's fart? You're in the van. Okay. I think so. I think it is old.

[A]

Yeah. Because you feel like there's something that's broken. Been in the crypt for a long, long.

[B]

You're smelling real aged farts.

[A]

It does.

[C]

It's been fermenting for 85 years.

[A]

That's genuinely.

[B]

Because that's my fear.

[A]

Ever been an old person's house and smelled smells that have never been invented? Oh, it smells new stuff.

[C]

I mean, it's like mostly bran, some. Some prunes in there. Versus the teenager is going to be, you know, good old fashioned American Mountain Dew farts. Yeah, it's gonna be some. It's gonna be code red and Taco

[B]

Bell and their stomach can take that stuff. Well, they're like, no problem.

[C]

But it also then.

[B]

Oh, yeah. It still has to be evacuated. I think I would rather the la. I don't mind loud. I'm used to it. You know, I'm an ADHD from a household of ADHD with loud noises.

[C]

Loud in a car is different.

[B]

Oh, I get. I've been. I know exactly what a road trip with a car full of teenagers is.

[C]

Like, how many we talking about? Were you like a full own. What are you doing? What?

[B]

Look, this is the life I hate.

[C]

Mike, I volunteered you for this.

[B]

Oh, who do you Think. Not me. Not me. Hey, you want to do a family trip with just our family? No. Says all of my family.

[A]

Yeah, look, the elders. You could end up, like, everybody out of the van. And some of them.

[C]

Oh, and some of them.

[A]

No, some of them might not leave the van. Like, the odds of me showing up with the same quantity of living people go up if I take the teenagers.

[C]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

So that's what I'm gonna go with. I don't want to dispose of a body.

[C]

I don't think you person on a road trip, dude. Tuck and roll, grandma.

[B]

You're saying just push them out?

[C]

Yeah, the higher the speed, the better.

[A]

Is that legal?

[B]

Speed bump?

[C]

Is it?

[A]

Why?

[C]

I mean, is illegal, probably.

[B]

No, that can't be legal. But who.

[C]

You know, who's in, who's enforcing it? The airplanes that are enforcing my speed. What are those signs?

[B]

Those are.

[C]

What is that? Why is that?

[B]

Those have to be fake signs.

[C]

Of course they're fake.

[B]

There's no airplanes.

[C]

Monitoring your tax dollars hard at work. We're just flying a plane, burning gas, destroying gas. This is costing us thousands per hour

[A]

to find a guy going 48 and a 40.

[B]

That'll be $54.

[C]

So, I mean, there's no one out. Once you're in the wild west, you're in the wild, wild west. And if. And if grandma has to take a tumble out because she's no longer with

[A]

us, then what is the rules of bodies? Oh, I see Al's now posting about this. What is your obligation? If you were with a stranger and they expire.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what are your bodily. No, it could be. I mean, I know. Like, can you always call somebody to come get the body?

[B]

Okay, let's say you're in a van. You're a passenger in a van.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

Right.

[B]

And you go to this place and everybody gets out and one person.

[C]

Like a truck stop.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, your gas station, whatever. Everybody gets out, goes inside, and you're sitting on the. You're the window seat. You got across. Grammy. Granny. And. Excuse me. Oh, she's sleeping.

[A]

Evelyn. Evelyn.

[B]

Evelyn, wake up. Evelyn, wake up, please.

[D]

I've got to go.

[B]

Evelyn.

[A]

Evelyn.

[B]

Evelyn. And then you find out she's dead, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But no one comes back to the van. They all got picked up. They got Ubers there. You're. You're the last one. Is it your obligation?

[A]

Can you abandon a body?

[B]

Can you just walk away?

[C]

Is in your car. You said, I'm a passenger.

[B]

I'm a passenger. I took this. I took this.

[C]

It's not my car.

[B]

No, it's not my car.

[A]

Do you have to leave her notice?

[C]

That's Nana's car now.

[A]

Do you have to leave a note? That's. You know how like if you accidentally hit somebody in a parking lot.

[C]

Oh, an insurance note.

[A]

Like a note that says, no, I was not the one to do this to Evelyn. She expired of natural causes. I needed to leave the body. She's too heavy. Goodbye.

[B]

Are you allowed?

[D]

From what I see, you could be charged with failure to report a death.

[B]

Oh, so if I see a death, I must report a death?

[A]

I didn't see her die. Exactly.

[B]

You saw a death. If you see a dead body, you're seeing it.

[A]

How do I know she wasn't dead before she got on there?

[C]

If you don't take a pulse, you don't know.

[D]

And if you push her out of the car, you could be charged with

[B]

abuse of a corpse. Abuse of a. I think that's a good law. I think that's a good law.

[C]

I can see some circumstances where that's a good law. Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you imagine?

[C]

But when I'm driving around with a dead body, I'm trying.

[B]

Yeah. I got places to be. You don't anymore.

[A]

Just if you're interviewing for a job and that's the one thing on your

[B]

record, abuse of a dead body. I would tell you who. We're not hiring.

[A]

You have to explain the Evelyn story to somebody.

[B]

I don't care. Your story. I don't care. If abuse of a dead body is on, that's what you get flagged for. And you're interviewing here. I don't want to. I won't believe the story.

[A]

Is there like a bankruptcy? Does it drop off your record after seven years?

[C]

I hope so. You're like, okay, we're down to two people. Person, we got grand larceny.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Or the person who abused a corpse.

[B]

Bring on the Larson.

[A]

The Larson, as they call him.

[C]

They're all Larson.

[A]

So you need.

[C]

You're kind of grand Larsonist.

[D]

No, I'll look into. No, I doubt it.

[C]

No, no.

[A]

Oh, if it is, I'm gonna be so sad.

[C]

I mean, you. If you commit arson, you're an arsonist.

[A]

Yes, but I don't know if that's

[B]

how you don't understand the meaning of. Larcenist is a person who commits larceny.

[A]

Can you even define larceny?

[B]

Oh, I was just thinking. I have no idea what it is.

[C]

Larceny is you. Is like theft.

[A]

It's a left handed arson.

[C]

At a high level.

[B]

The unlawful taking of personal property with intent to deprive the rightful owner of it permanently. Isn't that just thievery?

[C]

It is, but you have once you have thieved a certain amount of dollars.

[B]

You're a Larson.

[C]

Now you're a larcenist.

[A]

And then you can go up to Grant.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

If it's piano.

[B]

This is like, I'm a diamond level player.

[A]

So. So we figured out, like, if you're. If someone dies near you, you're kind of stuck with the body. Is that what we're figuring out?

[B]

It does seem that way. And I think you want to take care of it quick. I've not been around a dead human body that I haven't taken care of quick. But I imagine it does bad things.

[A]

But you. But you've been around some of those.

[C]

That sentence was wild, dude. Look, I've not been around a dead body ever that I didn't take care of really fast. Yeah. What happened

[B]

the way that I said that definitely felt like I have been around a lot of dead bodies that I've taken care of quickly. That is not what I meant. I just meant lots of perfume in the entirety. I haven't been around a sitting. Like a multi day sitting dead body, full stop.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Because I take care of business.

[A]

I know my responsibility. Teenagers is the vote, Jason. Teenagers, Mike.

[C]

I'll take the old people.

[A]

Joe, from the website, Would you rather be a stunt plane pilot, a fighter jet pilot, or a commercial airline pilot?

[C]

Come on. What?

[A]

We're like all fighter jet pilots.

[C]

Who's not taking a fighter jet?

[B]

Oh, really? I thought you guys first. Sure. Were going commercial airline pilot.

[C]

What?

[B]

You can't do a roller coaster, Mike.

[A]

Oh, I know.

[C]

I can't. I can't do any of these things.

[B]

You can do a commercial airline. You flew me last week.

[A]

Hold on.

[C]

I'm not a pilot.

[A]

I need to ask you guys something. How much does. I genuinely want to know. How much does a commercial airline pilot actually do?

[C]

How much are they doing well nowadays, more than they used to.

[A]

Like, doesn't it. Haven't. Hasn't it been in the back of your head that, like. Like, if you had to chart out a trip, I've always thought they're doing a little more on takeoff and landing.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But like, we've done these routes for decades and the commercial airline planes are gigantic. Like, how much are you tweaking the ride?

[B]

I don't. I don't want to. I don't want to. Diminish.

[C]

Not a lot diminish.

[B]

One of the greatest jobs and most important, Most important jobs out there, but they do jack squat. Okay? They, they, they.

[A]

They don't choose. Like, they don't. They settle in on 27,000ft instead of 22,000. They're not, like, making that call.

[C]

They're told they do have to adjust height.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Altitude.

[B]

Based on pilots. Based on what they're told.

[A]

Height.

[B]

You're going to.

[C]

Or they see a storm and they're like, hey, Houston, we're going to move up to 27,000.

[B]

You think that's the pilot's goal?

[C]

Yes. All right, well, I think that they can report that we need to move it up.

[A]

But then do they get overruled, or does the autopilot system be like, nah.

[B]

Well, I know they have autopilot, and they've had that for decades, so at

[C]

that point, it's why it's called autopilot.

[B]

Yeah. It's not called auto driving. Like, it's autopilot in our car because it started with a pilot.

[C]

Yes. We all know what autopilot.

[B]

Thank you, Mike.

[A]

But nobody ever flies without two pilots.

[B]

Right. Because it's called redundancy.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You can't have one break down.

[A]

But is it three if you count the autopilot? The autopilot can't land on any commercial airline pilot. And I'm sorry to all of you out there that are.

[C]

Oh, they're loving this.

[A]

Every commercial airline pilot could fly the entire flight without autopilot.

[C]

Yes, 100%.

[A]

But if you autopilot for so many years, you forget.

[B]

No, I don't think there's much to the flying. Once you're flying, I think it's just hold steady. It's literally. I mean, it's like driving. You're driving a car and you're on a freeway and you're going. You're not doing much.

[C]

Yeah. Once you're on the interstate and you're

[B]

just going straight, you just hold the wheel straight.

[C]

Yeah. And you completely zone out. But for the important stuff, you better be there. Yeah.

[A]

Do they have sensors like my. Like a Tesla does with autopilot, where they're like, stop looking at your phone. Like, are they browsing?

[B]

Oh, they're straight. Sleeping pilots have to sleep on a plane.

[C]

What?

[B]

Yeah, I think pilots are allowed to sleep.

[C]

I think that's what you're.

[B]

International flight. Yeah.

[A]

No way. No way.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

No, they're.

[A]

Look, if you got three of them, one could sleep.

[B]

Oh, I'm not saying they're both asleep at the same time.

[A]

No, neither were we.

[B]

But maybe. But maybe pilots sleep on flights.

[A]

I don't know about that.

[B]

Yeah, pilots.

[C]

I don't. I think that's part of the gig.

[A]

I just wonder, with the age of social media and apps and stuff, can you be like, doing some, like, Candy Crush up there?

[C]

I bet there's a good amount of that once you're up in the air for sure.

[A]

Or are you just talking? Can you have a meal?

[B]

Aviation authorities like the FFA have strict rules regarding pilot rest, ensuring that at least one pilot awake at all times and monitoring the flight.

[C]

You only need one.

[B]

You only need one. That's why they got two for naps.

[C]

So Fred's. And Fred's sleeping.

[B]

He's getting paid to sleep.

[A]

So Fred's asleep. But then the main pilot has a heart attack. And Fred, how does he wake up?

[B]

Probably when he hears, ah.

[C]

Been around a lot of heart attacks.

[B]

Well, I have heart attacks that I took care of quickly, Mike. I haven't been around a heart attack that I just.

[A]

You should be able to livestream the cockpit when you're in the back.

[B]

Oh, 100%. No, the whole. There should be a monitor on the

[A]

monitors on the back of your screen. You should be able to click like

[B]

pilot cam, the same way that you could click like the map and see where you are in your travel. You can click the cockpit and just make sure that it's okay up there.

[A]

Yeah. And then there's a little buzz to wake them up.

[B]

Now the question is, should the camera be behind the pilots so you can kind of see out the window, or should the camera be in front so you could see if they're sleeping or not?

[C]

I want the sleepy one.

[A]

I think we could do both. I think we could do both. We got the tech weight limit. Fighter jet pilot would be my answer. I'm trusting that I have to acclimate to all of these through training. So in that case, I want to fly a fighter jet.

[B]

I just don't believe in any way, shape or form that either one of you could. I mean, have you seen my disc golf skill is. It's as good as my regular golf and mini golf skill is taught here ever. I'm not saying you guys can't fly a fighter.

[A]

We can't handle the G force.

[B]

I'm saying you can't handle the G force.

[A]

You don't know us, man.

[C]

Oh, I.

[B]

You have a hard time sitting in the passenger car of a vehicle when you're not driving.

[C]

Yeah, if we take too sharp a left, I'm. I'm out.

[B]

Yeah. No, I agree.

[C]

I can't fly a fighter plane. I can't. If I was offered right now, all expenses paid, we're going to take you up in an F16 and you just, Just show you're in the back. Like we'll. Don't even show. We will pick you up. We do everything. The answer is 100% no, I will not do it.

[A]

Or it will be something that. I mean, you'll have the same memories whether you do it or not. You won't have remembered it. You'll be out so quick, you'll remember.

[C]

I will remember all this stuff before it.

[B]

Yeah. Well, that's why I'm surprised that you're picking something you can't do.

[C]

If I'm saying if I could do all three. Being a fighter pilot is awesome.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, obviously fighter pilots, you already

[A]

know how to do commercial.

[B]

Now that right. We all do. Which thank goodness. Yeah, you're welcome. If I'm on a plane, you are safe. Both pilots go to sleep.

[A]

Hold on, hold on. Detour. Why do we have pilots in the plane at all?

[B]

To lift off and land.

[A]

No, but why not have them like in like a. Like a call center. Like a pilot call center where they're

[C]

just to be a drone.

[A]

They're VR flying.

[B]

Dude, that would be scary. The remote. The remote operation.

[C]

If you have some latency.

[B]

Yeah, latency is the issue. Like a wireless mouse is a problem

[C]

now and Too late.

[B]

Oh, there was a little lag. I'm sorry. Someone restart the router. What's going on?

[C]

This is.

[B]

We'll get them. Next time will not be good. No.

[A]

Maybe because then you'd have lots of pilots on call if you needed them. Anybody could take it over.

[B]

No, I think considering the lag we have in all wireless. Quick, quick, quick. We're coming in.

[C]

That's gonna be bad. No, you have to have them be. I mean, for take off landing. Just the parts that are the most dangerous.

[A]

All right, I guess.

[B]

Pilots, we love you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Please just keep flying faster if you could.

[A]

All right, we're gonna take a break and we'll be right back. What's going on, everybody? I have a busy life. We have three kids. They are always all over the place. And it is hard to find time to cook a healthy meal instead of just clicking that button and getting some nasty delivered to your house. And we've all had long days when that hunger kicks in. And we want that healthy meal and well, it's not in the fridge. And that's where factor comes in. We were using factor our family since before they were even a sponsor of the show. We're talking fully prepared meals that my son steals most of, designed by dietitians, crafted by chefs, delivered to your door. We've been subscribed for years now. They are fresh, never frozen. They go right into our refrigerator. Tons of great variety. We grab them. It's two minutes per meal and stuff that we actually enjoy that tastes great. There are more than 100 options every single week. We've got pro like I'm on a protein meal plan. I can order protein meals that I absolutely love. And we've been doing that for a long time. Head to factor meals.com ballers50off and use the code ballers50OFF to get 50% off and free daily greens per box with new subscription only while supplies last until September 27, 2026. See website for more details.

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[A]

One thing that bugs me before we start this next segment because I want to return to our topic of expertise.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Flying. We used to fly faster.

[B]

Did we?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

We used to have supersonic flight.

[A]

We used to have supersonic flight. Which to me, hearing about that seeing it with the Concorde and remembering that we went to the moon and then we didn't go back. I feel like there's this technological age that we had, and then we gave it back. But, like, we used to fly, and then they got canceled because of the sonic booms.

[C]

Yes, the sound.

[B]

You know, there was a plane that just came out that has.

[A]

I was gonna say they have the ability to navigate. Not having the boom go all the way to the ground. Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that what you were gonna say?

[B]

Is that what it was?

[C]

That's how it works.

[A]

The sonic boom ends up bouncing off parts of the atmosphere because they've technologically figured this out, and we're trying to get back to supersonic flight. It just seems weird that we used to be able to do it and now we don't.

[B]

So, you guys, have you heard about the new theoretical technology of using space travel for international travel?

[C]

I have.

[B]

Basically, you take a rocket to, you know, lower level orbit, and you could basically go from here to Japan in 30 minutes. Would you guys do that?

[A]

Not right now.

[C]

I doubt I could handle it.

[B]

I would do that.

[C]

I mean, if this is, like. And go to sleep, and we'll wake you up in 30 minutes.

[A]

You're saying you couldn't handle getting up into space?

[C]

Yeah, they're. Dude, I can't. I can't do much.

[B]

I can't do jumping jacks anymore.

[C]

I can't spin in circles.

[A]

Is there a cartwheel? You're out.

[C]

Oh, it's impossible. Yeah, my brain goes.

[A]

You got sloshy.

[C]

Yeah, I got ear problems.

[A]

All right, we're moving.

[B]

What time is it? Game time.

[A]

Well, we are playing guest Guest Goose, which, of course, Jason can explain to you while he wears a goose hat. Yeah, because when you lose Guess Guess Goose, you have to.

[B]

You're the goose.

[A]

You're the goose, and you have to explain the rules.

[B]

Oh, really? Okay. I was not prepared for that. But let me tell you what Guess Guess Goose is. What's gonna happen is it's really holding on for dear life there.

[C]

It really is. That thing is one seam from explosion.

[B]

Mike, you will never get this on your. Your skull, all right?

[A]

Has never had to.

[B]

So there's going to be questions.

[D]

Last time, no, Andy did.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

There's going to be questions that we ask, and the person who asks the question will set the percentage. They will decide what.

[C]

We're off to a real bad start.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Keep going, please.

[B]

Wait. Why am I wrong? You're good. Okay, I'm going to Keep going. Yeah, but I feel like you guys are really telling me I'm wrong here. So you ask a question, and then you set your line, your guess as to what percentage of people do this or don't do this. What is so funny?

[C]

It's just being explained poorly.

[B]

Okay. And then the other two guys are going to say if they think it's higher or lower than that percentage. How many times can you say percentage? Well, I don't understand what's happening.

[D]

You guys, you nailed it. You nailed it.

[B]

Great job, Al.

[C]

Just in case you're wrong, it's just unclear.

[D]

Yeah, he would say they would set the percentage as if that they were setting the correct answer. There is a correct answer. They're going to try and guess what it is. Three points if they guess exactly. Two points if you're within 5% in each direction. And then the other two guys will guess higher or lower.

[B]

The just too tight.

[D]

If they get that correct, they get one point.

[C]

When you're explaining this game, you really just need an example. Like if you say. All right, what percentage of people wash their hands after going to the bathroom?

[B]

Okay, well, let's just start. Yeah, I'll start. Since I'm.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

You're the goose. Some goose. What? Okay. All right. What.

[A]

How we're supposed to do it, Al?

[D]

Usually we go anti Mike, Jason, and that's how it's set up in the doc, but we can.

[B]

Can you figure it out? Yeah, we can figure it out. What percentage of people use cotton swabs to clean out their ears at least five times per week?

[A]

A cotton swab is like a Q

[C]

tip, a thing that we all definitely don't use to clean our ears.

[B]

Right. The package says not to. I know. I do this. I do this every day.

[C]

Yeah, clean with a Q tip. I don't.

[B]

Oh, are you lying?

[C]

Of course I'm lying.

[A]

All right. I don't.

[C]

What do you clean your ears with?

[A]

I just put my.

[B]

Like a dog just.

[A]

No, I put my pinky in a Kleenex and just do the Kleenex.

[B]

You can't get deep enough.

[A]

But you're not supposed to use those things. I took the instruction manual. That's what they want you to think of. What percentage of people use them to clean five times per week?

[B]

Well, so that's a daily user.

[A]

So Jason sets the line. Right?

[B]

I set the line.

[D]

And then Andy and Mike write down your higher or lower answers.

[B]

All right. I think it's going to be. I think it's going to be 40%

[C]

of people do this five times is a lot.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, people read this and I don't know if I do it five times. I would have answered yes because I do it on a regular basis. I think this is saying, like, part of your morning routine or something.

[A]

Do we just say higher or lower?

[B]

This is so tight on the neck. This is really awesome.

[A]

Probably balance it on there without the tie on, can't you?

[B]

Yeah, probably.

[C]

You do it like a mustang.

[A]

So who goes first? Who goes next?

[C]

I already wrote mine down.

[A]

Okay. I did too. I'm gonna go higher.

[C]

I am also gonna go higher.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

The like at least 50.

[B]

50.

[C]

It's almost every time I shower.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

With a Q tip.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, because it cuz it's wet.

[A]

They say you're just jamming the wax back down into your ear.

[C]

Not if you look at my Q tip.

[B]

Yeah, that is say that I am

[C]

pulling out lots of earwax.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[C]

I'm a waxy.

[B]

So you're both going higher than my 40% owl.

[D]

We are starting off with zero points.

[C]

Oh, no.

[D]

The correct answer was 33. So Jason was only 32 points over his. His point threshold.

[C]

Y' all nasty. Just running around with earwax pouring out.

[B]

All right, who here. We've got six. Six guys in a box here. Deucer's Alley. How many of you on a regular basis, use Q tips to clean your ear out?

[D]

I do it on a regular basis, but not five times a week. I probably do it about once a week.

[B]

My question was regular basis.

[D]

It's a regular basis.

[C]

It's an audio podcast. You're nodding.

[B]

Your nodding means I don't know what

[A]

you're doing once a week.

[C]

Once a week. What?

[B]

Yeah, you got it.

[C]

It's an audio podcast.

[A]

I have an electric camera cleaner that I go in there with.

[C]

Oh, wait, wait, hold on.

[D]

You got a scope for your ears?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Hold on.

[A]

Does that work?

[C]

Fancy boy? Tell me more about this.

[A]

Yeah, maybe give me an Amazon link.

[B]

I got one once.

[C]

Why are you gatekeeping? It's great. It's like a $10 tool has a camera on it.

[A]

Just go in there.

[B]

It's disgusting. Pull up the camera. Wait, wait, wait. You don't want to look at this camera.

[C]

This is an electric tool that goes in your ear that has a camera, and you're saying it only costs $10? It's. It's not electric. It has like a scoop and then

[A]

the cameras attached to it so you

[C]

can see where you're scooping Is the camera electric?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Okay, so what. What I said was a ten dollar camera. I don't trust the $10 thing to do that.

[A]

So no points.

[B]

All right, no points.

[A]

What percentage of people do not poop anywhere other than in their own homes whenever possible?

[C]

Oh, man. I know some.

[A]

So non public poopers. What percentage of people do not poop anywhere other than their own homes whenever possible? I think I'm going to go with

[B]

it's 100% of me.

[A]

I'm going to go with 57%.

[C]

It's hard because when you say whenever possible, whenever possible, I would say 100% of people would try to do the poop at home. But you went 57%.

[A]

I went 57%. I don't know what the definition really is.

[C]

Do not. Okay, so this is the people that do not.

[A]

Oh, they don't poop anywhere other than their own home.

[B]

What percentage of people do not poop anywhere other than their own home?

[A]

So only 57% of people are making really strong efforts to make sure, no matter what, it's at home. Okay, it's probably higher than that. I'm going to go 57%.

[B]

Do you have your answer?

[C]

I wrote it down.

[B]

Yeah. All right. I am going higher than that. I'm going to go over.

[C]

I'm going higher.

[B]

All right, so we have a chance at no points again.

[D]

We did get some points, but they didn't come from Mike or Jason. Andy got the correct answer is 54. So he was three point, which gives him two points.

[A]

Okay, cool. All right, I'm winning. Goose face. Wow.

[C]

This is the worst version of this game ever.

[A]

All right, Mike, it's your turn.

[C]

Okay. What percentage of people rinse shampoo out of their hair while facing the shower spray?

[A]

Oh, that's such a good question.

[B]

Such a good question.

[A]

After we answer it, I want to pull the room.

[C]

Yeah. Because apparently there are people who don't do this.

[A]

Okay, that's revealed.

[B]

What? You psychopath.

[A]

I'm with you.

[B]

What?

[A]

100% of the time I do that.

[B]

Wait, you face the shower?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. Oh, my God.

[C]

What percentage of people. Let me read it again. Percentage of people rinse shampoo out of their hair while facing the.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Facing the shower spray. I am gonna go.

[A]

Give me that number.

[C]

40%.

[A]

So you're thinking people. Some people. Jason, they do it backwards.

[B]

I'm.

[C]

Jason's in. Apparently, one of them.

[B]

I do it correctly. These people.

[C]

What are you doing to. Well, okay. He's short. Okay, hold on.

[A]

He's really short.

[C]

Yeah. Number one, this is a tall person thing.

[A]

He's itty bitty.

[C]

Number two, are you a. You're a bougie rainfall shower man?

[B]

No, no, no, no. I'm a high pressure. Take the skin off man. Rainfall. Okay, so it's from the.

[C]

But it's. But I'm saying from the wall.

[A]

Okay, you're backwards.

[C]

You go backwards 100%.

[B]

That's so weird. I'm washing my hair, not. My face doesn't have hair to wash. I'm washing the back of my head, not the front. Now you only have hair in the back.

[A]

Let me ask you. Oh, he does only have it in the back.

[B]

Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. When you're washing your face, do you stand with your back to the wall or do you put your face towards the wall?

[A]

The argument is so dumb because it's on the top of your head. Equally on the top of your head.

[B]

It's equally on the top. So the top is irrelevant. Right. You face the wall. You don't face the wall. It's irrelevant. It's on the top. But then your hair. I'm looking at you, Andy. Your hair is on the back of your head like crazy.

[A]

I got it all over.

[B]

And you don't have any hair on the front of your. I mean, you've got a beard.

[C]

This guy Jason. Packing while to rinse it out.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

This isn't while wash. Like while I wash my face, I don't do it into the shower. Cause I need to scrub the soap. But then I turn around and. And I rinse it directly into the water.

[B]

What was your number?

[C]

I went 40%.

[B]

So you're saying. So even after all this arguing, you still think less than half of the people do it?

[C]

I do.

[B]

So then you. So then I do it the right way.

[C]

No, according to you. No, no, according to you.

[B]

I do it the way that the majority of people do it.

[C]

Majority does not equal. Correct.

[B]

I think it's ever. No, sometimes it does. Sometimes majority equals correct.

[C]

Sure, sure. But majority does not automatically equal.

[B]

I agree that. But in this one it does.

[A]

Do you have yours written down, Jay?

[B]

No, I haven't thought at all about it. So he went 40%.

[C]

You're going 40%.

[A]

The best will be when he goes higher than you and you inverse each other. Which I was thinking about.

[C]

I have my reasoning.

[B]

I think, honestly, I think you gave a really good number. I think to stay on brand, I'm going to go. I'm going to take less. I'm going to say less than 40% of people.

[A]

Higher.

[C]

Going higher. So I went 40 higher.

[B]

So you guys are, like, on my side here.

[A]

But no, I went higher. That doesn't make me on your side.

[C]

I went 40 because when in the past, when this conversation is coming up, I feel like when I have talked to the ladies, they go, yeah, they face away. So I face.

[A]

You went like, 80% of men and 100% of ladies.

[C]

That's exactly what I did.

[A]

I got you.

[C]

I went population. And then took away some for the weirdos like Jason.

[A]

All right, what's the answer?

[D]

I think your thought process. Process was correct, Mike. It's actually 19%.

[B]

Yeah. I'm the only one with a point.

[D]

100% of ladies face away from the shower.

[C]

19%.

[B]

Yeah. Because you guys are weird. The fact that you're giving me guff right now just because you outnumber me two to one here.

[C]

Yeah. Majority is right.

[B]

You're not the. I'll bet you're not the majority in this room.

[C]

I don't care. They don't mean anything.

[B]

That's true.

[D]

I'm with Mike.

[B]

Yeah, they mean everything. You said they don't mean anything.

[A]

What about the other two?

[B]

Okay, well, Josh doesn't count. He doesn't have hair to rinse out.

[C]

Yeah, you're gone.

[B]

When you did have it, I faced the shower.

[A]

Thank you. That's four out of four with Jason. Okay, so how's that for young people?

[B]

Yeah, you guys are weird, man. I can't believe that.

[A]

The logic. Your hair kind of washes itself.

[B]

The logic of, like, that you can't see that the majority of your hair is in the back versus the front. So obviously the back should be towards the water. It's like, I can't even understand how you can't see.

[A]

The point of washing your hair is to remove the soap. You want it to fall away from you.

[C]

Yeah, I don't want it falling all over my body.

[A]

Right, you don't want it, and you

[B]

don't want to lean. Where do you think it's falling?

[A]

You don't want to lean forward.

[C]

I lean forward.

[A]

You lean forward. It goes straight down to the ground.

[C]

I can see where it's going.

[D]

Oh, that's weird. I face the faucet, but I actually, like, tilt my head back.

[A]

All right, so. Right. That's why you don't matter.

[B]

Just turn your back.

[C]

But when I. When I tilt my head back, then the water goes in my ears.

[B]

You guys are weird.

[C]

It's a problem. Just face forward.

[B]

My final Question.

[A]

So is it 2 to 1 to 0 right now?

[D]

It is. That's correct.

[C]

I got zero points.

[D]

Andy has two. Jason has one.

[B]

My hat. All right, my final question. What percentage of people have attempted a juice cleanse? What percentage of people have attempted a juice.

[A]

All right, what's your number, Jay?

[B]

I think I'm going to go 35% of people.

[A]

Okay, I got mine written down.

[C]

I wrote mine down.

[A]

Less lower.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

35%.

[A]

Good night.

[B]

Hundred percent of women.

[C]

Juice cleanse when I'm dead.

[D]

All right, Andy and Mike are going to walk away with a point here.

[A]

I put 11 down. What is it?

[D]

The correct answer is seven.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

What are you doing over here?

[B]

I don't know, man. I guess I thought people were a little healthier than.

[D]

Have you done a juice cleanse, Jason?

[B]

I, I, I don't think so. I don't. I don't think so. I mean, I've done, like, a water fast. Does that count?

[C]

Nope, nope.

[B]

That's a different thing. What is the juice cleanse.

[A]

You only eat juice for, like, a week, huh?

[D]

Yeah, I think three days minimum.

[A]

All right. What percentage of people are superstitious about blowing out all their birthday candles in one breath?

[C]

Who was pulled. Did we pull the elementary school?

[A]

What percentage of people are superstitious about blowing out all their birthday candles in one breath?

[B]

Superstitious. A weird word.

[A]

Yeah, this one's a tough one for me to.

[B]

Cause it's like, Like I'm not.

[A]

I think everybody wants to do that.

[B]

That's always the goal.

[C]

Well, nowadays you, like. I mean, how often do you get anything that's not a candle?

[A]

Now, I'm going to make this one tough on you guys. 50%.

[C]

Oh, you. This guy.

[B]

I've got my answer.

[C]

I'm going lower.

[B]

I'm going higher. So we're, We're. We're at one point apiece here.

[C]

Come on, human.

[D]

It was a good guess. Andy, you were close, but not within 5%. Mike gets a point.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

The correct answer was 42%.

[C]

We ride. We ride.

[D]

All right, so we're sitting with Andy at three. There's a blast off Jason at one.

[C]

All right, so there's one for all the marbles. And the last question.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

Okay. What percentage of people generally ignore restaurant straws.

[A]

Oh, man.

[C]

And drink straight from the glass?

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I have thoughts on this, but I want to get the answers out of the way first.

[B]

Oh, goodness.

[C]

How many people. So people that don't use.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They just ignore it and drink right out of it. Glass.

[C]

I think us glass drinkers.

[A]

Are you a glass drinker?

[C]

We are the superior.

[A]

I've always felt a little bit shame.

[B]

If you get this correct and you've got a 10 percentage gap, then I can't not lose.

[C]

Wait.

[B]

Oh, I can't catch Andy and I couldn't catch you.

[C]

So correct.

[B]

If I make a good enough guess here.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So give it a go. Mike, what do you think? What percentage?

[C]

We are superior? But I do think we are not as many as the straw drinkers. The people love their straws. They love their plastic straws. I'm going to go. Okay, hold on. What percentage of people? So the people that don't use it. People that don't use straws. I'm going to go down. Where is that range? I'm gonna go 30%. I hate that 30%.

[A]

So I think some people do not use the straw. I think people think, like, the glass is somehow dirty. Cause when you drink.

[C]

Oh, it tastes so much better.

[A]

You're getting some of the.

[C]

It's like it's right from the source.

[A]

I prefer the mouse.

[B]

You prefer it from the glass?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Well, you better not have ice in there.

[C]

Oh, no, the ice. Is the ice Delicious.

[A]

I can see Jason just showering backwards with his glass.

[C]

There are techniques.

[B]

Yeah. You put your lip down, you go. And you suck the water.

[C]

Like a straw.

[B]

No, a straw. A straw is natural and easy. I can gulp through that without getting ice in the way. And my lip isn't freezing. I'm not getting water on my beard.

[A]

To be clear, you're saying no straw. You suck straw, you gulp. That's what you just said.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, Mike, your number was what?

[C]

30. 30%.

[B]

Okay, I got a. Play the game. And I just take the odds that there's 70% on one side. I'm going to go higher.

[C]

That makes sense.

[A]

I'm going to go less.

[D]

The correct answer is 14%, so Andy's getting a point.

[B]

So if I went lower, I would have. I would have died.

[D]

You would have, but you get to explain the rules again next time.

[B]

Oh, I'm going to do just as good a job.

[A]

All right, we'll take a break and we'll draft. Congratulations, Jason.

[B]

Thanks. Spit wallets. If your taco nights need a refresh, here's an easy way to change things up. Gorton Seafood. Cinco de Mayo's coming up. And if you want a convenient quality menu, Gorton's has you covered. Gorton's has been trusted since 18491849 bringing 175 years of proven quality, comforting, nostalgic meals families have relied on for generations. They always deliver dependable, great tasting seafood with consistent quality, making mealtime easy, stress free. Always worth it. We've got Gorton's at our house. I like the fish sticks. I like so many different frozen things that are so easy. You just throw them in your air fryer, throw them in your oven. Dinner is done. Dinner is improved. It's great. Tastes wonderful. They've got snacks, appetizers, coconut shrimp, new options like taco tenders. Available in two preseason flavors. Cilantro lime Taco seasoned perfect for Cinco de Mayo. Visit gortons.com to learn more. Find a store and get recipe information.

[A]

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[B]

The Spitballers draft.

[C]

Wait, Whoa. Was it 14, 14% correct?

[A]

I genuinely think it's. I think people are afraid of it being like gross.

[D]

But in this room it's actually five out of six the opposite direction.

[C]

Yeah, I think it's mostly ice. Like my wife is a straw only because she can't handle the cold.

[B]

Ice sucks. The ice is terrible.

[A]

Jason can't handle the cold.

[C]

Just take it and chew up the ice.

[B]

Oh, I can't stand chewing ice.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Oh, it's.

[C]

It.

[B]

First of all, why are you the

[A]

way that you are?

[C]

Weak teeth.

[B]

No, I don't have weak teeth. It's other people that annoy the crap out of me. Chewing ice.

[A]

Oh, really? So five or six of this rim will really get under your.

[B]

You guys chew so much ice, especially Deucer's Alley. You guys are literally getting cupfuls of ice nonstop.

[C]

Get in on it, man.

[A]

Worst things to step on. Oh, there it is.

[B]

You got it back there right now. See, it's. It's an addiction. I think you're anemic. You need to look this up. Anemia is a real. Like you.

[A]

Wait, Anemic people need to chew ice?

[B]

Yeah. That's a 100% real thing. Not a joke.

[A]

I didn't think it was a joke. I'm asking about it.

[C]

If you're anemic.

[B]

I have no idea.

[A]

Why would that help you?

[B]

That is iron into your blood. It makes no sense to me, but.

[A]

Cause anemia is iron.

[B]

That's, like, one of the symptoms of anemia. Yeah. Anemia is iron. Low iron in your blood.

[A]

All right, things. The worst things to step on when barefoot is what we're drafting today. I have the first pick. This one's a little tough because I feel like there are some complicated, great answers that would maybe slip to later rounds or kind of the common ideas of things you wouldn't want to step on. I'm going to go with Lava.

[B]

Oh, that was not on my list. That's a pretty good one.

[A]

I'm going to go with Lava as my first pick.

[C]

It's a good pick.

[A]

The floor is lava to step on when you're barefoot. I'm going lava.

[B]

Oh, that's.

[A]

Lava is a great word.

[C]

Oh, lava is a great word.

[A]

It's perfect.

[B]

I love it. I gave a lot of blood today, guys. I gave a lot of blood this morning. Yeah, I needed some. Now would be the time that maybe you could get me to chew some ice.

[A]

All right, Mike, you have the next pick. And our worst things to step on. Barefoot drafts.

[C]

So there are surprisingly a lot of things that would be bad to step on with bare feet, per the rules of the Spit Bars podcast. And the fact that Die Hard must be mentioned many, many times. It really is many times as I possibly can. Broken glass will be up on that list.

[A]

It was glass or lava.

[C]

Shoot the glass.

[B]

Lava. I don't remember that.

[A]

And, oh, that's like.

[C]

Have you ever seen Die Hard?

[B]

I have, but it's been a long time.

[C]

No, you have not.

[A]

Yeah, that's the main scene.

[B]

In the main scene.

[C]

Yeah, it's a main scene. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Well, good to know. I got a lot I learned today.

[C]

Oh, Lord, man. Does he walk on broken glass in Die Hard?

[B]

I don't remember. It's been like a decade since I've seen this. I'm supposed to.

[A]

Breaking news, by the way. Dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

[B]

That's like saying the main point of Die Hard is walking you on broken glass. That is not a big boat in Titanic. Oh, my gosh.

[C]

Pretty substantial part of the movie.

[A]

It is like a. It is a pinnacle. It is a pinnacle.

[B]

For real.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. I guess I have. I'm stupid. All right.

[A]

It would be something to remember is all.

[B]

All right, I got. I got two options here, and I'm going to take the two real number one picks.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

First is classic. It's the thing that people do. Guinness Book of World Records.

[C]

I didn't know how far we would make it.

[B]

You know, I get not taking it number one, but it's a Lego. You don't want to step on a Lego. Those are diamonds. Those are diamonds on the floor.

[A]

Legos are. Yeah, that's painful.

[C]

They're very sharp and very strong.

[B]

But if you told me.

[A]

Sorry. I was just going to say, that is the one. Pick that. While the others may be technically worse for you, it's one that everybody's done.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I have never, to date, stepped in lava. Stepped in lava, yeah.

[B]

Pretty easy to avoid.

[C]

Have you been close?

[A]

Not that close, no.

[B]

Yeah. Everyone stepped on a Lego thousands of miles. And what's crazy about stepping on a Lego is I feel like

[C]

there's lava within a thousand miles.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. Be careful.

[B]

What's funny is, like, we've all stepped on rocks, we've walked on gravel, or just been walking and stepped on a rock. And that hurt.

[A]

That does hurt. And the fatter I get, the more it hurts.

[B]

You might say it's hard as a rock. The rock.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And yet we've all stepped on a LEGO piece and it's like, it is 10 times harder.

[A]

I'd rather step on 10 Legos than one Lego.

[B]

Oh, sure. Yeah. It's the same kind of balance, weight distribution. Yeah. All right, so I'll take a LEGO first. But the thing that I would step on a Lego to avoid is a hot, fresh dump. Yeah. You don't want to step in A hot, fresh dump.

[C]

I enjoyed the goose sound after you said it.

[B]

You know, I don't. Hot, fresh dump. Yeah.

[C]

Honk, honk.

[B]

Yeah, so, I mean, you need blood, man. I need blood blood. You've given way too much blood. So anyways, a Lego hot, fresh dump in a turd. A hot turd.

[A]

Mike, we're back to you. Lucky guy.

[C]

A turd, huh?

[B]

Well, a hot, fresh dump. A dump is softer than just a turd. You know, this is. This is gonna be.

[A]

We were debating. I had some of the guys giving me ideas earlier when I was brainstorming and someone said, dog poop. And then they go, wait, wait. Human poop?

[B]

No, it's the right. 100%. It's worse.

[C]

Who did that?

[B]

That's gotta be. Yeah, that's gotta be the falcon.

[A]

Matt was like, no, no, no.

[D]

Human poop.

[C]

Pull down.

[B]

Hold the phone.

[C]

Yeah, got one. That's way worse.

[B]

Yeah. When I said hot, fresh dump, that was 100% just a human dump.

[A]

Because hot and fresh is the real problem.

[B]

I've stepped in dog poop. We've all stepped in dog poop before because I'm barefoot. But, yeah, I've stepped in it on accident. Barefoot. I have. I've been in my yard and didn't see it and stepped on it. Awful. I've never in my life stepped in human poop. And I think if I did.

[C]

Now there are some other things outside where it's a bigger.

[B]

It's a bigger problem. Yes. There's a lot of. There's a lot to unpack. Because of the implications. Because of the implications. Because of the implications. Very much so, yes. A hot, fresh human dump.

[A]

Okay, Mike, you're back up. Broken glass from that indie film Die Hard.

[B]

Oh, you guys are so stupid. I know. We're on the defense. After your whole backwards shower bit that I'm hit with 80% of my whole people.

[A]

Well, yeah.

[C]

Weird enough, 80% of people who have seen Die Hard know that there's a very big scene of broken glass.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. It is. It's the most important part of Die Hard.

[C]

It's pretty important.

[A]

If you asked me to describe one scene of Die Hard, that'd be the one.

[B]

Oh, no. It's gotta be. Give me the big Hans falling from the building. That's the. That's the scene. Of course that's the scene.

[A]

All right, Mike, you're on the clock.

[B]

It's the broken glass. It was on the ground. You're so stupid. I gotta watch.

[C]

Watch the movie again. You'll Go, oh, okay. I'm gonna go. Maybe not. It's certainly not as devastating as broken glass or lava.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or a Lego.

[C]

Or a Lego. I have never done this, but I'm gonna say a mousetrap.

[A]

That would be bad. That'd be bad. Jason just had a real reaction to it.

[B]

That break your toes. I mean that, like.

[C]

Have you guys ever done any mousetrapping?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Where it's the old fashioned.

[B]

The old fashioned, literal slice of little cube of cheese, and you have to, like, crank it open and set it. And it is terrifying because it's made to cut that rat in half. And it's terrifying because when you pull it open.

[C]

Mouse. I went with. I didn't go rat trap.

[A]

It'll work on rats, man.

[B]

Cute little mousetrap.

[C]

I feel like a sewer rat would laugh at a mousetrap.

[A]

No, not if it took its head off.

[B]

No.

[C]

Well, it wouldn't be laughing then.

[B]

These things are so tight, so they

[A]

would actually go running off with it on them.

[B]

If it hit their tail. If it hit their head, then they're toast. Yeah.

[C]

So I've never done any mousetrapping. I've seen pranks of people doing it.

[A]

You want it to be quick. You want it to be quick. You. You don't want the. The mouse to get in there at the wrong angle and then be, like, spinning in a circle, because that happens. All right, so you went with mousetrap. I have lava, and I've got two picks. I'm gonna go an ant hill. A fire ant hill.

[C]

Oh, fire ants is on my list.

[A]

A fire ant hill. And then I'm gonna come in from left field on this. I'm gonna land mine.

[C]

Oh, I left it. I left it for last.

[B]

That's so good. I didn't take it there. I was gonna lose it.

[C]

Yes, you were going. Oh, man. I was saving it for last. Cause I didn't think this guy over here had landmine.

[B]

Oh, I didn't. That is such a. Dang it. That's a 101.

[A]

Let me tell you something. If you think it sucks to step on a landmine with your shoes on,

[B]

let me tell you, you go do that bad dog barefoot. That thing really hurts.

[C]

Not only do you know you bad landmine, did you. You know you're gonna explode now. Your foot hurts.

[B]

Your foot. It's barefoot.

[C]

Yes, I had landmine.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. I almost didn't take it there because I was like, it's an easy fourth pick.

[C]

Oh, man.

[A]

All right, Mike. Broken glass and mousetrap back to you.

[C]

All right, well, then I'm not. I can't play any more games. And this one. This is like the human hot dump. Like, there's. There's some physical pain here, but there are some. There's going to be some.

[B]

Really, the mental warning.

[C]

There's going to be some questions here. Hypodermic needle.

[B]

Oh, that was my next pick. 100% hypodermic needle.

[C]

I told you I can't play the game.

[B]

You can't play the game. You would not have got that.

[C]

If you're out in your yard and you step and you pull out a needle. Oh, no, I mean, count. You're like, well, I'll be in the doctor for the next week doing every single test I could possibly do. You're going to be so freaked out. And it's going to hurt.

[B]

Oh, man, that stinks. I had two really good picks left.

[C]

You have one.

[B]

And I have one really good pick left. Well, I'll take that because I know what it is. And I realize this is not a mammal, and the verbiage is not accurate scientifically, but you will know exactly what I mean, and it's correct.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

A pregnant spider, you know I'm talking about. Because this has happened to me.

[C]

Why does it have. What does that have to do with the mammal?

[B]

It's not a mammal, so it's not pregnant. Does it carry a bit? It's like a egg sac that it fertilizes. It carries on its back. I didn't know what to call an egg. Sacked, fertilized back spider.

[C]

It's a spider with child.

[B]

Yeah, Mama spider, whatever you want to call it.

[C]

But what I'm talking about where they're alive and they're just babies.

[B]

I'm talking about the nightmare fuel.

[C]

Wait, you've done this?

[B]

I have done this because you don't always know.

[A]

You're alive today, but you don't step on it in a way where you're killing all the babies. No, you're freeing them.

[B]

You can't imagine what happens to the ground. I remember this. I mean, it's genuine nightmares.

[A]

How are you talking about this?

[B]

Because there was a pool near it, and I jumped into the pool and swam away. So you stepped on it.

[C]

When you fully clothed, you jumped into a pool.

[B]

You're darn right the ground turned black with baby spiders, man.

[A]

Then you leapt into a pool and swam away. And by away, you mean, like, to the other end of the pool and

[B]

then had to climb out? Yes. There was a Grand Canyon from those babies.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

You just jumped into the pool?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, what else?

[A]

Was this recent?

[B]

No, no, this was years ago. But yeah, that is like there's a

[C]

swarm of bees or no, shift spiders that if I took two steps to the left, I would be away from.

[B]

You don't have any idea how fast they skirt. I mean, when this mama got squished, the ground exploded. I mean, they were so fast, I couldn't believe it. So, yeah, pure nightmare fuel on that one.

[C]

I only see you just the loudest. Highest screech.

[B]

Yeah, that's a hundred percent. That's 100%. What happened? I mean, it was right next to the pool. I didn't have to take a step. I just left.

[C]

That is so funny.

[A]

They don't swim then I don't know

[B]

if they're good swimmers as babies, but they can't keep up with me. All right, so I am going. I had. Man, hypodermic needle would have really brought me home. But since you took this, I'm going to go completely, completely different. Completely different direction. This is something that you avoid stepping on at all costs.

[C]

A crack close.

[B]

Don't want to break banana peel. Oh, yeah. Don't want to step on a banana peel.

[A]

You might fall into a pool.

[B]

That's right. So, yeah, it's not as good as hypodermic needle, but it's on the list.

[A]

Lego Hot fresh dump spider with baby using banana peel. Jason, you don't want to step on that.

[C]

Is a banana peel worse barefoot? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, gross.

[C]

Why?

[A]

More slippery.

[B]

And you can. But you're.

[C]

No, you're stepping on that. I assume you're stepping on the outside because you're doing the hilarious thing of you slip and you fall. Yeah, but I'm saying the outside is the peel. That's the peel you hold. There's nothing going on.

[A]

It's the gooey on the inside that gets.

[C]

You slipped. But you won't feel that on your foot.

[A]

No, but you'll slip.

[C]

Right, but the question was, is it worse with a shot?

[A]

I don't know. It could be a bad pick. You could be right. Mike has broken glass, a mousetrap, a hypodermic needle, and one pick left scorpion.

[B]

Okay. All right. Okay.

[A]

You went with a. Not a pregnant one, though.

[C]

No. Well, I don't know how the.

[A]

They do carry them on their back sometimes.

[B]

Do they?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Nah, I'm just gonna go with a good old fashioned scorpion. Okay, well, if you step on one, that thing's gonna sting you and you Got venom in your foot and your foot's going to hurt for a week.

[A]

Okay, I see it. I don't want to step on a scorpion. I have lava, a fire ant hill, a landmine. And so I've already got an animal taken care of or you know, an insect. So I don't need to go, you know, scorpion, spider. I've got the ants. I'm looking at some of these other, you know, it's a nail. It's a nail.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

It's a nail through the foot. It's the home alone nail through the foot.

[B]

Should have gone rusty, but I had rusty nails. You dropped a nail.

[C]

Regular nail.

[B]

Yeah. Just super clean right out the box.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hypodermic nail.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Al's writing in. Clean shiny nail.

[C]

It's got a note that says this was just sanitized.

[A]

There you go. There's our draft. Here's my. A few other honorable mentions. Was the thumbtack, right? The thumbtack. Hot pavement here in Arizona.

[C]

Oh, goodness.

[A]

I had quicksand, which seems stupid.

[B]

You don't want to step in quicksand.

[A]

A small puppy.

[B]

Oh, my son broke the leg of a small puppy when we got it first day.

[A]

Al's puppy.

[D]

That's my.

[B]

Barefoot or with a shoe is your dog now?

[A]

Yeah. Was it barefoot?

[B]

He was barefoot. I think the dog or the, the dog had chews. Of course.

[C]

The dog was in Doc Martens.

[B]

Yeah, I had chewed gum.

[A]

Oh yeah, I had gum and it

[B]

was like eh, a bee similar to your scorpion. And then vomit.

[C]

I didn't have vomit on the list. But after.

[A]

Oh, public restroom. I had on there too.

[B]

Oh, that's a good one.

[A]

Yeah, that's a. I mean if you made like what's the dollar amount to go into a truck stop restroom barefoot?

[B]

Oh my gosh.

[C]

Not that much. Not that I can wash my feet. It's pretty gross.

[B]

Yeah, but when are you going to wash your feet if you're at a truck stop?

[A]

Hold on, let me.

[C]

I'm going to put them in the sink.

[B]

Let me do a test and then walk out.

[A]

Al Borland and Papa Josh. Just between you two, because you know you like to get money for things. I want you to say at the same time how much the minimum amount it would take for you to go into a truck stop bathroom barefoot. My gosh.

[C]

Hold on.

[A]

I'm going to write down the minimum amount.

[C]

I'm going to write down the answer,

[A]

but I want you to sit at the same time to see if you're similar or ridiculous. Ready 3, 2, 1.

[D]

100.

[A]

$100?

[D]

Yep. Josh switched when he heard mine.

[B]

No, I swear.

[C]

It was. My guess was 50 bucks.

[B]

I thought Josh would say $5.

[C]

Yeah, I thought 50 might be too much.

[B]

Should we do it? What did we learn today?

[A]

Yeah, did you have some other ones? Sorry.

[C]

Fish hook. Ooh. And I had campfire on there, but it was. Campfire.

[B]

Lava was like something. No, lava beats the crap out of a campfire, Mike. Just so you know, I'd step on a campfire to avoid the lava.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

What did I learn today? I learned that Jason has strong opinions around the direction you shower.

[B]

I learned that pilots are totally allowed to nap while you fly.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Did I learn anything today?

[A]

Probably not.

[B]

Learned that I gave too much blood.

[A]

50 bucks, huh?

[C]

That's he.

[B]

I'm using that bathroom first. I'm going all in.

[C]

You give him 10 bucks, he'll do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Thank you. Goodbye.

[B]

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