Ice Walkers & Electives if Students Got to Choose Them - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast — Episode 315: “Ice Walkers & Electives if Students Got to Choose Them”

Release Date: March 19, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

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Episode Overview

In this hilarious and family-friendly episode, the Spitballers dive into absurd imaginary scenarios, childhood nostalgia, and create a “draft” of high school electives—as if kids themselves were in charge of the curriculum. Along the way, they riff on ice skating disasters, dream up questionable life strategies, reminisce about Robin Hood and Zorro, and debate the future of acting with AI—all with their trademark good-natured roasting and goofball tangents.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter—Scat Riffs & Podcast Milestones

[01:35–03:59]

• The guys joke about their signature “scat” intro, pondering if it’s finally time to retire it—or not.
• Episode numbering triggers playful complaints and pride: “Episode 315. Do you guys—I mean, that's a lot of episodes.” (Andy, 02:03)
• Tease upcoming milestones, notably episode 365: “A year of show. Can't wait to see what the producers do for that one.” (Jason, 02:55)

2. Would You Rather: Bowling Shoes on Ice vs. Ice Skates at the Bowling Alley

[04:13–13:03]

• Prompt: Would you rather ice skate wearing bowling shoes, or go bowling wearing ice skates?
• Immediate split: Jason prefers trying ice skating in bowling shoes over the other way, Andy disagrees, and Mike joins the debate.
• Nostalgia about ice skating rinks and kids' birthday parties, including a cruise tale:
  • “[Jason] booked us...an exclusive rink session. And then he sat there the whole time and watched the three of us skate around.” (Josh, 08:04)
  • “You rented the entire rink and didn’t skate?” (Andy, 08:16)
  • “It was a wonderful viewing experience.” (Jason, 08:18)
• Old man vibes, “hugging the wall” embarrassment, and the idea of adult “ice walkers.”
  • “They don’t have adult versions. I mean, it’s like down by my knees, I was like, oh, I can’t do that.” (Jason, 11:04)
• Final choices:
  • Andy: “I’m going to bowl with my ice skates on...quantity of falls.” (11:33)
  • Mike and Jason: stick with ice in bowling shoes due to fear of ankle injuries at the bowling alley.

3. Would You Rather: Be Robin Hood or Zorro?

[12:42–18:40]

• General lack of Zorro expertise, but plenty of love for Robin Hood, especially the Disney fox:
  • “Robin Hood was awesome and is awesome.” (Andy, 12:52)
  • “My Robin Hood is the Fox.” (Mike, 13:25)
• Which actor is “your” Robin Hood? The group is split between Costner, the Disney fox, and “Men in Tights.”
• The lore of Zorro, including a wild discussion about an alleged upcoming Keanu Reeves Zorro movie:
  • “[Keanu] looks pretty stupid in that Zorro mask, though.” (Jason, 16:09)
  • “I don’t know the lore of Zorro. The Loro of Zorro.” (Andy, 16:27)
• AI & actor deepfakes tangent, pondering the future of resurrecting stars for movies.
  • “I wonder if we won't want to see any AI actors at all. Because if you can't praise the performance of an actor...maybe it just won’t work.” (Andy, 19:34)

4. Situation Room—Would You Go on a Million-Dollar Live Lie Detector Show?

[22:11–24:43]

• Would you take a million to do a televised lie detector test, audience submission style?
  • “There was a show like this...it was so painful and destructive.” (Jason, 23:00)
  • General consensus: They think they could handle it, since “no secrets” are that bad.
• Tangent on emotional destruction in reality TV.

5. Situation Room—Cursed by a Wizard: Daily Bee Stings or Biweekly Sprains?

[25:05–32:14]

• Scenario: Choose between being stung by a bee daily, spraining your ankle every two weeks, catching the flu monthly, or breaking your wrist yearly.
  • All three hosts have never been stung by a bee—leading to comic shock from their producers, who reveal dozens of bee stings in their own lives.
  • “Spraining your ankle...that's a forever sprain.” (Andy, 31:39)
  • “I’m beesting.” (Andy, 31:54)
• The group agrees daily bee stings may be least disruptive based on producer horror stories.

6. Situation Room—Impersonate Any Celebrity's Voice (One Phone Call Limit)

[32:52–36:14]

• Prompt: One shot to perfectly impersonate a celebrity on a call—who and what’s the goal?
  • Andy goes with Elon Musk to scam some crypto funds with, “Bring this to a bench at a park. Wire it to me...my crypto wallet.” (Andy, 33:46)
  • Jason considers U.S. presidents, but jokes the distinctive Trump voice would be a giveaway.
  • Mike: “I was going to be some lady celebrity and call one of you guys up and be like, hey, I got a big crush on you.” (Mike, 35:07)
  • Bonus: Use in sports fandom to prank-call a team into a trade.

7. Situation Room—Rebooting Any Classic TV Show with the Spitballers as Stars

[36:22–40:39]

• The guys imagine themselves stepping into classic TV trios: Full House, Friends, The Office, Parks & Rec, Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
  • “I know who I am again. David Schwimmer?” (Andy, 38:58)
  • Mike crowns himself “America’s dad” (Danny Tanner).
  • Parks & Rec emerges as their ideal pick: “Mike's Ron Swanson. I'm Andy...(Andy:) Can I be Rob Lowe in that one?” (40:28)

8. The Spitballers Draft: High School Electives Chosen by Kids

[42:30–55:08]

Draft Rules:
Imaginary high school electives, as if students wrote the course catalog.

Notable Draft Electives & Titles:

• Mike:

  • Advanced Attendance Strategies: “The art of cutting class.” (42:48)
  • Persuasive Communication: “Winning arguments at home.” (46:30)
  • Fashion & Identity: “Crafting your personal style.” (47:56)
  • Verbal Combat: “The art of roasting & witty comebacks.” (56:11)

• Jason:

  • Becoming a YouTube Star: “You want to be a podcaster...[that’s] all that the kids want.” (43:37)
  • Life Hacks for the Lazy: “How do you make everything more comfortable, do less?” (46:05)
  • Crunchwrap Capitalism: “The economics of Taco Bell at 2am.” (48:55)
  • Mastering Procrastination: “The semester starts tomorrow.” (55:10)

• Andy:

  • Crypto and Credit Cards: “How to be rich and bankrupt at the same time.” (44:23)
  • Advanced Napping: “Sleeping your way to success—literally.” (45:07)
  • Twitch Streaming for Dummies: “How to earn less than minimum wage online.” (50:30)
  • Inheritance Hacks: “Waiting for rich relatives to kick the bucket.” (52:23)

• Hilarious running joke: Andy tells a seemingly real story about someone inheriting a castle and becoming royalty, to the others’ disbelief:

  • “That’s not real. That’s only in movies.” (Jason, 54:28)

9. Memorable Quotes and Moments

• “If you’re 40 years old and hugging the wall, I would laugh at that man.” (Jason, 06:45)
• “That's a forever sprain.” (Andy, 31:39)
• “Is there a sadder thing on Earth than livestreaming to no one?” (Andy, 51:54)
• “Crunchwrap Capitalism—the economics of Taco Bell at 2:00am.” (Jason, 48:55)
• “Verbal combat—the art of roasting and witty comebacks.” (Mike, 56:11)
• “We just invented 12 spectacular classes for the demise of America.” (Andy, 56:32)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [04:13] Would You Rather: Bowling Shoes on Ice or Vice Versa
• [12:42] Would You Rather: Robin Hood or Zorro?
• [22:11] Situation Room: Lie Detector Show
• [25:05] Situation Room: Cursed Ailments
• [32:52] Situation Room: Perfect Celebrity Impersonation Call
• [36:22] Situation Room: TV Reboot Fantasy
• [42:30] The Spitballers Draft: Student-Selected High School Electives
• [55:55] Episode Cap & What Did We Learn

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Tone and Delivery

The episode style is light-hearted, self-deprecating, and packed with inside jokes—true to their “dads with hot takes” brand. Recurring bits include giving each other grief over old age, risk aversion (especially around skating), and the absurdity of modern fame and education.

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Summary for Non-Listeners

This episode embodies the classic Spitballers dynamic: friendly bickering, imaginative scenarios, and a shared sense of nostalgia for childhood, all while poking fun at modernity and themselves. Whether you relate to the “grandpa” who watches from the sidelines, the high schooler dreaming of Twitch fame, or have always wanted to draft a class on napping, the laughs here come as much from clever improv as from genuine affection among the hosts.

The fantasy “kid-chosen curriculum” draft is a comedic highlight—blending wish fulfillment with an undercurrent of social commentary (“the demise of America”). And if you’ve ever wondered how many dads have never been stung by a bee, somehow, you’ll learn that too.

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For more: Visit spitballerspod.com or follow the show on X/Twitter @spitballerspod. New episodes drop every Monday!

Transcript

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[Jason]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and. And give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason

[Mike]

Blatta. Chatty, Platy, Kachati Blow.

[Jason]

Okay. Different. I mean, new, exciting.

[Andy]

It's not. It was a, you know, rat, A tat.

[Jason]

Tat.

[Mike]

Yeah, it was very staccato. Machine gun. Yeah. I wasn't even sure if I was supposed to do it after the. Andy killed the Scat.

[Andy]

Right. I was retiring it last year.

[Mike]

I thought we put it down with the he all.

[Andy]

Is that what it was?

[Mike]

Yeah, that was the one.

[Andy]

Welcome into the Spitballers. Episode 315. Do you guys. I mean, that's a lot of episodes.

[Mike]

It's about 314 too many.

[Jason]

It is not enough to listen to a new episode every day of the year.

[Andy]

That'll be a big day.

[Jason]

But soon. Soon.

[Andy]

Wait, are we. When is the next Al Scat. We've got it. We got to be.

[Jason]

It's got to be close.

[Josh]

I thought we retired this cat.

[Jason]

No. Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike]

I don't think it's close.

[Andy]

Well, it's 80 whenever we see it is.

[Josh]

It is close.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Josh]

It's in, like, maybe, like the next seven episodes.

[Andy]

Oh, I'm so glad I brought this.

[Mike]

Really.

[Andy]

It just felt right, I think so every 80 or so. It feels like it's time.

[Josh]

I'll find out and let you know.

[Mike]

That is gonna be like it's in about seven months. It's too close for me.

[Andy]

Well, we got that to look forward to and then I agree. 365 episode 365.

[Jason]

That's going to be a big episode.

[Andy]

A year of show.

[Jason]

Can't wait to see what the producers do for that one.

[Andy]

Oh, man. Yeah. Would you rather. We're entering the situation Room today. I'm learning that right now and we are drafting high school electives. If the kids were in charge, so what would they choose?

[Jason]

What classes would they create? Really?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Because it's not just like I would choose.

[Mike]

They already do that.

[Jason]

Right. They do choose their own electives. That's fair. This is creating their own classes.

[Andy]

Some classes, some electives that they might want to take that they might want to get going. So we'll draft that at the end of the show. You can follow us on x@spitballers pod. Always a good moment in time to leave a review. Subscribe. Click that follow button on Apple Podcasts. Just found out. Breaking news. We are on episode 315 right now. Episode 332 is the next. That's not for a long time.

[Jason]

That is months.

[Andy]

It's a bit. But it's good to get it on the schedule. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

That is true.

[Andy]

And yeah, there you go. So, yeah, leave us those reviews. Tell your family and friends about the show. If you enjoy it, that helps us out and we're going to get it going.

[Jason]

Would you rather.

[Andy]

Well, Michael from Patreon has one of our ever important questions. Would you rather ice skate wearing bowling shoes?

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Or go bowling wearing ice skates? So let's break it down. I mean, what's your first impulse?

[Jason]

Your first impulse is definitely going ice skating.

[Andy]

With bowling skating, I'm complete opposite. What? Yeah, I would need you. I mean, I think your odds of falling are higher on the ice.

[Jason]

I think.

[Andy]

I mean, you fall on the ice

[Jason]

falling on the ice, whether I'm in ice skating shoes or bowling shoes are pretty identical.

[Andy]

I can. I could ball in ice skates poorly but not fall.

[Jason]

I agree that I probably would not fall, but I think the distance from the ball to the floor is going to throw you off big time.

[Mike]

Oh, because you're up a couple.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. You're up 4 inches higher. You're going to be.

[Andy]

I didn't think about that.

[Jason]

Launching that ball.

[Mike]

When's the last time you Ice skated.

[Andy]

I thought about this the other day because we have this place, the Ice Den. It's over.

[Mike]

Is that the. It used to be polar ice.

[Andy]

Yeah. I don't even know if they called the Ice den anymore, but it's a big ice skating rink. When it came out, everybody was ice skating over.

[Mike]

By the time the training, spring training

[Andy]

over by where we live. And I drove by it and I was like, man, when is the last time I've been in there? It's been like 15, maybe with a kids event or something.

[Jason]

But I have watched my children ice skate in recent memory.

[Mike]

Coward.

[Jason]

I'm not doing it again.

[Mike]

Coward. Why would I do it? Because it's fun.

[Andy]

Were you a rollerblade guy?

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

Obviously.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

I think if you. If you can rollerblade, you can ice skate.

[Mike]

If you.

[Andy]

It helps.

[Sponsor Announcer]

You could ice skate.

[Andy]

I. I don't know.

[Mike]

So.

[Jason]

It's been a long time.

[Andy]

You were just talking about how. You talked about how he ran in flag football.

[Mike]

Yeah, but you don't have to kick your legs up when you're skating.

[Jason]

I wonder. I have wondered a little bit if I would be better than. I mean, the last time I skated was 20 years ago.

[Andy]

But was it traumatic? And that's why you haven't done it since then?

[Jason]

I mean, it's just like I felt then like an old man trying to walk or a baby deer.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

You know, just like I.

[Andy]

Were you on the walls?

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

But that's fine.

[Jason]

Do you try to. Especially now, it's fine for the kids to do. If you're a child out there and you're ice skating for the first time, don't be embarrassed. Get out on that wall. If you're 40 years old and you're hugging the wall, walking, I would watch and I would laugh at that man. I'd be in the stands, of course, and I would be laughing at that man going, why is he out there? Yeah. Because that can't ice skate.

[Mike]

Living his life. He's like, I'm going to learn how to ice skate. And you're like, I'm going to learn how to sit.

[Andy]

You ever been ice skating?

[Mike]

Go ice skating, man.

[Andy]

You're on the wall, but you try to sell it like you meant to be there. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

Like, yeah, I know you mean.

[Andy]

It's like, oh, I got it. I'm gonna check my laces. I'm gonna check my phone.

[Mike]

Getting a breather because I've been skating so hard.

[Andy]

Yeah, like I'm. I'm I'm talking to somebody.

[Mike]

It's. I think it's.

[Andy]

It's.

[Mike]

I mean, I only go, like, once or maybe twice a year.

[Jason]

Are you good?

[Andy]

No, he's the. No, he is the biggest ice skater in the. In the.

[Mike]

But, like, I can go around the circle without falling.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And you don't ever have to touch the wall. You can just. I can?

[Mike]

Yeah. I could avoid the wall and not at the moment.

[Andy]

Every time someone gave you a hockey stick, though, you couldn't do nothing.

[Mike]

I bet I could if you. If you gave me a hockey stick and pads.

[Andy]

Yeah, let's. So that I could get this going.

[Mike]

So, like, I could. I knew that when I fall. I'm not.

[Andy]

Can you. Hockey stop.

[Mike]

I used to be able to. I bet I could get.

[Andy]

Jason's looking at me like, what is that?

[Jason]

Oh, I get what it is, but I'm.

[Andy]

As opposed to the legs. Go wide and narrow.

[Mike]

Stop. Or just running into the wall right there.

[Andy]

Those are the other two options.

[Josh]

We actually did a cruise once, Jason and I and our wives. And there was an ice skating rink on the ship.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's normal.

[Josh]

Jason booked us.

[Andy]

Yeah, that comment right there was funny.

[Josh]

Jason booked us. This exclusive, just the four of us, reserved the ice skating rink. Wait, and then he sat there the

[Jason]

whole time and watched the three of us skate around. Darn right I did. And it was a great time for you. And it was a great time for me.

[Andy]

You rented the entire rink and didn't skate?

[Jason]

I didn't need to participate. This was a wonderful viewing experience.

[Mike]

Your wife didn't want you to be out there with.

[Jason]

Doing what? I'm not skating with her. If I'm out there, I'm just on the wall.

[Andy]

Well, this is the step.

[Jason]

Well, she skates around. I could actually watch her.

[Mike]

That is step one of skating.

[Andy]

How long was the rental?

[Jason]

An hour.

[Andy]

So 15, 20 minutes. You get yourself figuring out.

[Mike]

You get your skate legs while you have your sea legs, apparently. What is an ice skating rink doing on a boat?

[Andy]

It's not normal.

[Mike]

Come on.

[Jason]

Super normal.

[Mike]

No, we got to shut this down. I'm just, like, unnecessary.

[Jason]

I think it's on most Royal Caribbean ships.

[Mike]

What?

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, they do a show

[Josh]

for, like, professional Ice Capades.

[Jason]

Yeah, basically, there's amazing.

[Andy]

But then Mickey on ice, when they're

[Josh]

not doing shows, you can reserve it and.

[Andy]

Okay, I got it broken down here. There's 300 major cruise ships in operation globally. 20 have ice skating rinks.

[Mike]

Ooh, that's not.

[Jason]

You can't go Global, you gotta go.

[Andy]

Royal Caribbean is the one that has all of those. Yeah, but it's 6 to 7% of all cruise ships.

[Jason]

Yeah, but also, you're talking 300 globally

[Andy]

when you say that's normal. We didn't know you were boxed into Royal Caribbean.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, once you. Not a sponsor, once you got a, you know, a cruise line, you start accumulating those casino points. You gotta get them free rooms.

[Mike]

I just want you to get that.

[Andy]

I want you to know, like we found out you're a morning person a couple episodes ago. Yes, you are. Right there at Supes Old Manville. If you go to events that are fun and you sit and watch. Oh, man, that is real, real grandpa stuff.

[Jason]

I don't know what's more grandpa sitting and watching or hugging a wall to just barely being able to walk in a circle.

[Andy]

But you're saying to yourself, here's what old is. You're saying, I can't learn how to do it.

[Mike]

I'm too old to do that.

[Andy]

Yes, that's what you're saying. You're saying I'm too old to figure that out.

[Jason]

But here's the thing.

[Mike]

I'll just sit.

[Jason]

No, because I couldn't figure it out when I was 15. When I was 20, I tried. I couldn't figure it out when I was young. So it's not I'm too old. It's. I mean, it's not made for me. It's just. It's out of my wheelhouse.

[Mike]

I think you could do it, and I think you'd have a good time.

[Jason]

I think I could skate better in bowling shoes.

[Andy]

I mean, you had the whole rink. You could have brought, like a sled out there and started running on you.

[Mike]

If you're the only one in the rink, you can get the little Kid Walker thing.

[Andy]

Do you also bowl with the bouncer things on the side?

[Jason]

If I. If I'm having fun.

[Andy]

Yeah, the bumpers.

[Jason]

I will say this, Mike, this is not a joke. Those little Kid Walker things, I thought about it.

[Mike]

Yes. You should have done it.

[Andy]

They have, like, ice walkers.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

They're not bowling shoes. I bet.

[Jason]

But here's the problem. I couldn't do it. They're too short.

[Mike]

Oh, they didn't. They didn't have.

[Jason]

No, they don't have adult versions.

[Mike]

They don't have.

[Jason]

I mean, it's like down by my knees, I was like, oh, I can't do that.

[Andy]

They don't have a dog.

[Mike]

I think I would have done it things.

[Jason]

I think I would have. I think I would have done it.

[Andy]

And that would have been. You would have looked way cooler.

[Jason]

No, but then I feel like I could learn to skate. You can't really learn to skate while you're facing the wall. Just like trying. It's just.

[Mike]

You can learn. You'd be able to learn enough to go in a circle.

[Jason]

I don't know.

[Andy]

I could get you there. I'm going to go with the ice skating bowling. Final answer.

[Mike]

Oh, there was a question.

[Andy]

Yeah, there was. Originally. I'm going to bowl with my ice skates on. I understand the height thing is a good point, but I'm looking at quantity of falls.

[Jason]

I think you're going to roll your ankle. I really do. I think it's possible throughout the course of the day, one of these. It won't even be in the bowling act. You're finished bowling. You get a gutter ball, you turn around and you roll during.

[Andy]

There's normally a step you have to go up on maybe and now you're

[Jason]

falling from very high up.

[Andy]

So how tall are your ice skates, man? Maybe that was the whole problem. Are you on stilts?

[Jason]

They're 1 foot ice skates. They're 12 inches blades.

[Mike]

Like the bowling. Because bowling shoes are smooth on the bottom, right?

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

So how much help does an actual rubber sole give you on ice?

[Jason]

Not much. I don't think it would be a massive.

[Mike]

Would it be that big of a difference?

[Jason]

Not unless the. I think it's more texture.

[Andy]

Bowling shoes are smooth. Yeah, that would be the problem.

[Mike]

It's got to do the big difference.

[Andy]

But it's not a big one.

[Mike]

Put your weight forward.

[Andy]

Yeah. So Mike, what's your answer? Final answer.

[Mike]

I'm going to go, I guess on the ice with the bowling shoes.

[Andy]

That's where Jason's going to.

[Mike]

I agree with you. You're going to roll an ankle.

[Andy]

Well, another Jason writing in on the website says, would you rather be Robin Hood or Zorro?

[Jason]

I know nothing about Zorro other than he's got a sword and a mask.

[Andy]

I am unfortunately in that camp. I was going to ask to be educated because Robin Hood was awesome and is awesome.

[Mike]

He also is a fox.

[Andy]

That's not the Robin Hood.

[Jason]

I think of fox sometimes.

[Andy]

So when I'm a Costner.

[Mike]

Robin, who's your Robin Hood? This is a great question for the Jay. Who's your Robin Hood? Because there's a new one, right?

[Andy]

I'm a prince of thieves Robin Hood through and through.

[Mike]

Who was the new one?

[Jason]

My Robin Hood is Carrie Ellis.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Josh]

Men and tights.

[Andy]

Yep. Okay, so I got three different Robin Hood.

[Mike]

My Robin Hood is the Fox.

[Andy]

I don't think I've ever seen that.

[Jason]

Oh, it's so good.

[Andy]

It is.

[Jason]

Yeah, man, that's really good.

[Andy]

What about the Deucers? Which Robin Hood do you think of first?

[Jason]

Kevin Costner for me.

[Andy]

Yeah, the Fox. The Fox.

[Josh]

Mine's Ben and Tights. I don't know his name.

[Andy]

So we all. We just slid down the middle. So, yeah, I think that's what changes it. Like, to me, it's like, who's your Batman? Right? Like, yeah, it's a little bit of that.

[Mike]

But, I mean, I can get it.

[Andy]

Is Zorro cool?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

Zorro is.

[Andy]

Or does he just cut things in Z shapes?

[Jason]

Zorro is Antonio Banderas.

[Mike]

Yes. That's the only Zorro I know.

[Andy]

That's a problem for you.

[Jason]

It's a problem because.

[Mike]

Too sexy?

[Jason]

No, not at all. Antonio Banderas was.

[Andy]

Catherine's out of Jones in that movie.

[Mike]

Yep.

[Andy]

I'll choose Zorro.

[Jason]

Antonio Banderas went from being this heartthrob, serious actor, action star type of actor to being in the world's worst children movies. Not just Puss in Boots. Spy Kids. Spy Kids is so bad.

[Mike]

It's fine.

[Andy]

Puss in Boots is a good movie.

[Mike]

Spy Kids. He's, like, a little rough.

[Jason]

You're watching through your fingers, like, oh, I'm so embarrassed right now. So now I go back to, like, the old Antonio Banderas, and I see,

[Andy]

like, I'd rather shoot a bow and arrow than I would use a, like, a little fencing sword. Because. Because, like, Zorro's sword is not. It's not Braveheart sword. This is not Leonardo sword. This is a. Like, a really thin.

[Jason]

And Robin Hood gets all the credit. They know who Robin Hood is. I'm not, like, wearing this little mask. Like, who's Zorro?

[Andy]

Right? I mean, Zorro. Zoro's not a criminal. Robin Hood's a criminal.

[Mike]

Josh, I need you to. I need you to look up something, because I just searched Zorro, and I'm getting a Keanu Reeves. Is this just an AI thing? Someone look into this.

[Andy]

Josh, the description of Robin Hood here

[Mike]

is perfect, because if Keanu's making a Zorro movie. That doesn't make any sense.

[Andy]

Master archer and forest ninja. That's Robin Hood.

[Jason]

Yeah. That sounds awesome.

[Andy]

A forest ninja. That's my final answer.

[Jason]

Yeah. I'd rather steal from the rich, Give to the poor. Yeah, I like it.

[Josh]

It looks like they are remaking it in 2025with Keanu Re.

[Mike]

No, that's not gone.

[Jason]

Is that real? It's real.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

No, please tell me. Zorro instantly throws his sword away and just pulls out two guns. He just pulls out two pistols.

[Josh]

Mask of Zorro. The legend returns.

[Jason]

Wow. There's a trailer.

[Andy]

I.

[Mike]

Look, I'm on record, Keanu. One of my favorites.

[Andy]

You're not in on this.

[Mike]

Why is he Zorro? Well, like, it doesn't make sense on a lot of levels.

[Jason]

Oh, man. I'm watching the trailer here.

[Andy]

Wait, there's a trailer?

[Jason]

There's a full trailer.

[Mike]

That's how I found it.

[Jason]

Yeah, it looks like a good period piece. Keanu looks pretty stupid in that Zorro mask, though.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh. 2025. The Mask of Zorro is the name of the movie.

[Jason]

Yeah. The People's Avengers.

[Andy]

Just give me a minute and 36 seconds, and I will let you know.

[Mike]

I don't know enough Zorro.

[Andy]

Yeah. I don't know the lore of Zorro. The Loro of Zorro. I don't know it.

[Josh]

He defends the common people while humiliating corrupt officials.

[Mike]

So he. Very Robin Hood.

[Jason]

Very Robin Hood with a sword and a mask.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh. There is a. There is an AI scene.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Of Keanu in the trailer of, like, young Zorro. Young Keanu. It is the worst I've ever seen.

[Jason]

Yeah. They should be better at that by now.

[Mike]

So this is maybe real.

[Josh]

Does the horse play a factor for you at all?

[Mike]

Yeah. No. Robin Hood got horses.

[Jason]

Yeah, he did.

[Andy]

He lives in the trees, man.

[Mike]

Yeah, he does. Yeah.

[Andy]

Well, Sherwood, he's got the best buddy of all time. Little John.

[Mike]

Is he the best buddy?

[Andy]

He's a great buddy.

[Jason]

There are about 50 moments in the trailer where young Keanu comes. I think there's a big part of the movie, and I'm out because it's. I mean, he looks.

[Andy]

There's a lot of fake.

[Jason]

He looks so fake.

[Mike]

Keanu, if it's real, I will see.

[Andy]

Is that what we're gonna get, like, in 50 years? Like, are people going out right now and buying the rights to deceased actors so that they can play roles in new movies?

[Jason]

No, not yet.

[Mike]

I don't think it's happening yet.

[Jason]

But people certainly.

[Andy]

Like, if you did, you would want to do it now while it's cheap. While it's cheap.

[Jason]

But you'd want to do the people that are alive, not the people that are dead. The people that are dead. People right now. Sorry, you're telling me they don't care about them people?

[Andy]

Some Do I mean, you. A new movie starring Marilyn Monroe or something? People wouldn't watch it. Correct.

[Jason]

There would not be a huge blockbuster.

[Andy]

Disagree.

[Jason]

An AI Marilyn Monroe right now. People wouldn't care.

[Mike]

Eventually.

[Andy]

I think that.

[Mike]

Right.

[Jason]

Eventually.

[Andy]

Or Jimmy Stewart. Those guys coming back.

[Jason]

You are. You are making my point. You are like, literally, I was with

[Mike]

you for a while.

[Andy]

So what about. What about some of the elder. Like, Sean Connery? Brand new Sean Connery movie. But he's. Yeah. Which age is he?

[Jason]

Yeah. I don't really care, man. I mean, that is Right. Didn't they do this in.

[Andy]

You won't care about Keanu either.

[Jason]

Haven't they done this with James Earl Jones voice?

[Mike]

They used AI There was something about he.

[Andy]

Yes. They gave a license.

[Mike]

Star wars had the rights so that they can always use his voice. Something like that.

[Andy]

But, I mean, which actors now are you? So, like, Brad Pitt dies, you want to see him in a movie? Yeah, I think it's. I mean, why would that be different?

[Jason]

I think it's the next generation of actors that will start.

[Andy]

Those are the ones after that.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Or is it. Is it just all the people that we like who are alive but, like. Like, the John Wick movies are incredible.

[Jason]

Keanu is aging out.

[Mike]

You. You saw the progression once we were on Wick 4. John Wick's moving a little slower than he used to, so. But if you could give me another

[Jason]

young Keanu and that's what they try

[Mike]

to do as well, then I would be.

[Jason]

But let me tell you, they can't do it. Just from the trailer I saw, we are not at the point yet.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

This is as close to somebody, like, drawing a picture of young Keanu and then taping it to the face of an actor.

[Mike]

It was bad.

[Jason]

It was so bad.

[Andy]

It was bad. I wonder if we won't want to see any AI actors at all. Because if you can't praise the performance of an actor being in the role, like maybe a Marvel movie or a character movie where it's more about the. The environment and the lore and that, like, you know, I think that will

[Jason]

use AI for moments within a movie. They will not use AI to completely ground up, replace an actor who is dad and bring them back. So, like, if it's an action movie, they'll use AI to fill in gaps on certain things.

[Andy]

It's gonna be hard for them not to do reshoots with AI or something. Oh, they'll do it when you need

[Jason]

to do a lot fewer reshoots.

[Andy]

All right, we'll take A break. We'll jump into the situation room.

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[Mike]

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[Mike]

Fish sticks. Come on, people. Fish sticks are delicious. They're fantastic.

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[Mike]

It's a great product.

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[Jason]

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[Andy]

All right, we have some situations we gotta take care of if you guys don't mind. Olivia from Patreon writes in, you are offered $1 million.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

To take a lie detector test on live TV, but you can't know any of the questions ahead of time.

[Jason]

This is a real thing.

[Andy]

They could ask absolutely anything and the audience will vote on it on what to ask. Do you go on or pass on the million?

[Mike]

I will take the million dollars.

[Andy]

So there was a no secret you currently have that is worth a million?

[Mike]

Off the top of my head. No.

[Jason]

This is a show. This was a real show. I don't know if it. Oh, yeah, 100%.

[Mike]

Oh, we are the worst.

[Andy]

Oh, it was probably to figure out if someone cheated on their spouse.

[Jason]

Yeah. I mean, it was usually like spouses and family members, they would have someone and their whole family would sit there and watch the lie detector test they took in the past, and then it was so painful and destructive, and, you know, it's like, oh, it was.

[Andy]

I mean, when our society is decimated and the aliens are like, what happened? Someone show that video?

[Jason]

Yeah. It was a brutal show. Like, and what's crazy about this show is the people that were going on the show, they had taken the lie detector test in the past. Right. And now the answers are being revealed. But they know what they were asked. They know. And they showed up knowing if they said that they cheated on their.

[Andy]

To see if they beat the test.

[Jason]

Yeah, I don't. Yeah, exactly. Are we all. No one ever beat the test.

[Andy]

It's all that TV is like, we're gladiators again. We just want.

[Mike]

Oh, very much.

[Andy]

We just want to see emotional destruction.

[Jason]

I think we want to see physical destruction. I think if it was gladiators and they were murdering each other, that show would be running right now. I think people, like, if you could do it. Really uncomfortable with that show. There's no way it's still running. Because you guys haven't heard of it.

[Mike]

No, but that doesn't mean people were.

[Jason]

Mean people weren't watching.

[Mike]

I mean, how many episodes of Maury doing. You are.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Not the father. Yeah, there's.

[Andy]

You are the father of one of the two twins.

[Mike]

That is. Those shows were emotionally devastating.

[Andy]

That is true. You're just trying to see. At least those seem so, since those are like wwe. Those are sensationalized entertainment, I hope, but destroying an actual life. Let's not. Parker from Page. So you don't have any.

[Jason]

I think I could go on the show.

[Mike]

I think I could pass the test.

[Jason]

Everyone thinks they can go on the

[Mike]

show until you're on the show, but

[Jason]

either way, you leave with a million dollars.

[Andy]

Yeah, see, I have jokes right now, just so you know.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

That I can't say.

[Jason]

All right, noted.

[Andy]

I just want you to be like, there's lots of good material I have here, but I can't ask these questions.

[Mike]

What if it were a million dollars, though?

[Andy]

Then maybe. Parker from Patreon, you have once again angered the local wizard. Yeah, that sounds. I didn't know we always angered him.

[Mike]

Well, that guy's moody. Real turd.

[Andy]

He has cursed you with a recurring ailment, but he is allowing you the courtesy of choosing what the nagging curse will be. Would you choose Jason? Get stung by a bee once a day, Sprain your ankle every two weeks.

[Mike]

Is that a high sprain?

[Andy]

It's a bad sprain. It's a limpy sprain, but it's a low ankle. Get the flu once a month?

[Jason]

No, that one's out.

[Andy]

That's pretty out. Break your wrist once a year. It's the first two.

[Jason]

It's the baby. It's definitely the first two.

[Mike]

It's the b. Have you. Have either of the two ever? You, like, ever had a real sprained ankle? Yeah.

[Andy]

It feels like you broke your ankle.

[Jason]

I grew up playing basketball. I sprained my ankle all the time. It sucked. And it puts you out of commission

[Mike]

when you're out for weeks.

[Andy]

Have you seen. And I'm going to butcher it. Maybe the producers can look this up for me and nail it, but if you. I saw a video of a beekeeper intentionally stinging his wife once a week or once every couple days with bee stings from bees because of some type of exposure.

[Jason]

Therapeutically.

[Andy]

Well, as for exposure. Oh, sure enough. That was fast. Al. This is like an. Is this real life? People divided after man reveals why he purposely stings his wife with a B. Now the reason is it gotcha every time. Let me see if I can find bee sting.

[Jason]

That'd be a good one. It's like a slug bug helping his

[Andy]

wife from having beekeeper's wife syndrome, which is a syndrome that occurs when a partner, oftentimes a beekeeper's partner develops a severe allergy to bee stings after repeated micro exposure to venom, usually from regular contact with the beekeeper's clothing so they can develop an allergy. And so they combat that by building a natural resistance to the venom.

[Mike]

Wait, how? I'm confused.

[Jason]

How do they get.

[Andy]

So they can get exposure to.

[Mike]

No, I get the idea of give me the stings, but why do you.

[Andy]

You. You do that? To build a natural resistance to the venom so that they don't get a severe allergy from just exposure to the clothing of the beekeeper.

[Mike]

Oh, from the clothes.

[Andy]

The clothing.

[Mike]

How does that happen?

[Andy]

It says after.

[Mike]

Wouldn't that be good for your allergies?

[Andy]

Until the micro honey? Yeah. I don't know the difference between micro exposure to venom on clothing and being stung, which seems like micro exposure to venom on purpose all the time.

[Mike]

Wait, so you're telling me that, like,

[Jason]

macro bee stings have venom?

[Mike]

I believe so.

[Jason]

So in my world, I think that's

[Andy]

why venom from snakes.

[Jason]

Venom kills.

[Mike]

Not always.

[Jason]

Not always. But it can kill?

[Mike]

It can.

[Jason]

And not like, okay, I've got, you know, a hundred snakes attacking me, and I'm dead.

[Andy]

But like, I am seeing bee venom is a shot that Is given for bee sting allergy. So the fact that he would be exposing her to be venom like a shot sounds like something I'm going to try.

[Jason]

These have venom.

[Mike]

Sounds like something that man will go

[Andy]

to prison for eventually. He did advise that if you're going to do the same method, have an EpiPen nearby, stay close to a hospital, and never attempt without consulting a medical professional.

[Jason]

Okay, well, cool, man. I'm not going to do that to someone else. But if I have to pick one of these. Getting stung by a bee once a day, how is this a lifetime has

[Andy]

to be the pick lifetime commitment here.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Because I don't. I've never been stung, so I don't know if I'm opting into death.

[Jason]

You've never been stung either, right, Mike? I've not. So the three of us, amazingly, we've never been stung.

[Andy]

Spraining your ankle. Every. That is crazy. I mean, everybody's been.

[Mike]

Everybody.

[Andy]

Every doster's probably been stung by a bee. All three of them are not.

[Mike]

You got to be able to avoid bees, man.

[Andy]

We are good at that.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Are we? Do you get up and run like a full sprint away from them?

[Jason]

No, I think I'm actually pretty calm when a bee comes by. I'm not afraid of him.

[Andy]

Papa Josh sting me says he's been stung 50 plus times.

[Jason]

Yeah, Papa Josh is old enough to.

[Mike]

What are you doing?

[Andy]

What in the beehive are you doing?

[Jason]

I'm sure he was a beekeeper once.

[Josh]

Matt. Matt also said dozens of times.

[Andy]

What? On YouTube.

[Josh]

I've been stung once in my life.

[Mike]

What are you doing to bees?

[Andy]

You know what? I don't care if the deucer cam wasn't supposed to go on. I'm putting it on there. You can see a picture here on Al Borland. Most people are listening. So wait, how many times? 50. You said dozens. And why have you two been stung so much? Like, what mistakes have you been? Do you swat at them? Dude, we used to play outside all the time in trees, like beaches.

[Jason]

Went barefoot a lot, too, so.

[Andy]

So you stepped on. Yeah, yeah, but what about you? Is that the same story? Your feet? No, A lot of agriculture, orchards and stuff like that. They got bees flying around and they just.

[Jason]

Roy. They just killed it.

[Mike]

But the bees don't want to sting you. What are you doing to the bees?

[Andy]

I wasn't doing anything.

[Commercial Announcer]

They just.

[Mike]

No, that's not true. That's not true.

[Andy]

Now we're all. When you said dozens of times, is this 12 different times with one sting?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, I also had a neighbor that was a beekeeper too. Okay.

[Mike]

Okay, you should have led with that.

[Andy]

Your exposure is pretty high, Al. How many times?

[Josh]

Just one time.

[Andy]

And how was sucked?

[Jason]

Okay, like compare it to now.

[Andy]

What part of your body.

[Josh]

Mine was in the hand. It was on the. The door frame. And I was walking through the most people.

[Andy]

That's what it is.

[Josh]

Just put my hand up and just touched the bee.

[Andy]

Most. My wife has been stung a few times. One time she was like laying down with her knees up at a park and a bee happened to get in the crook of her knee and she just closed her knee. My daughter a couple times stepped on him around the pool.

[Mike]

Yeah, that happens.

[Andy]

You got to keep your shoes on.

[Jason]

My daughter was in a pool, she's very afraid of bees. And a bee was nearby, so she went under the water and then the bee landed basically on the water where she was.

[Andy]

Smart bee.

[Mike]

You got to move away.

[Jason]

Smart bee can't come straight up eventually from the water. And the bee stung her on the chin.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

That's a up close and personal bee sting.

[Mike]

Now that bee did that on purpose.

[Jason]

Oh, for sure. It's like I'm getting that girl.

[Andy]

I assume, Papa, this is how I die. All 50 of your stings must have been to the face, right? That's why you're so fond of. It's not like I got this way naturally. Okay? I mean, look, I'm afraid of an allergy.

[Jason]

I really don't.

[Andy]

But the two week sprained ankle, you're permanently sprained.

[Mike]

Yes, it's forever sprained.

[Andy]

That's a forever sprain. And the flu. I can't do that.

[Mike]

No, that's a. That's a full week.

[Andy]

How bad is the wrist? Is this displaced? Non displaced fracture. Can I do the wrist?

[Jason]

It's a left hand, right hand. You're going to have a cast, it's

[Mike]

going to hurt really, really bad. And then you're going to be out of commission.

[Andy]

I'm beasting.

[Mike]

What is it, like six weeks?

[Jason]

Daily Beast.

[Josh]

Does it matter if it's non dominant hand, wrist?

[Andy]

It would matter to me.

[Jason]

Yeah, both are very necessary.

[Andy]

If you told me break a wrist every five years and it's non dominant hand, I'd do that, man. I do a. You kind of get some attention when you got a broken arm or broken leg. I could go for the attention.

[Jason]

Yeah. Have people sign it.

[Josh]

And he's having people sign his cash.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'll have people sign it. I mean, I broke my leg once. I Was in crutches. Everyone's asking, hey, look at that cool guy.

[Mike]

Yeah. How old were you?

[Andy]

I was in high school.

[Mike]

Right. Old guy with broken hand. Little different. Like, what was that idiot doing? Probably ice skating.

[Andy]

Yeah. All right. Hannah has a question. You suddenly gain the ability to perfectly mimic any celebrity's voice, but only for one phone call. Who do you impersonate, and what is the call about?

[Mike]

This is way too specific.

[Andy]

I've got an answer.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

I would choose Elon Musk's voice, and I believe that he has cultivated at least a closed circle of, you know, whatever banks and people he knows. These are people.

[Mike]

Oh, you're coming up to that money.

[Andy]

These are people that know he means business when he asks for something.

[Mike]

Gotcha.

[Andy]

And if they know the voice, which is. It's an iconic. Maybe that's not the right word. Distinct voice, distinctive. I'm just going to say, bring me. Now, how much money do I ask for? I don't know.

[Mike]

But just bring it to me enough that he doesn't notice.

[Jason]

But the problem is, if they do, if they leave it by. I was gonna say, if they bring it to him, Elon Musk will say eventually, why are you bringing me this money? Because they're bringing it to him.

[Andy]

Bring this to a bench at a park. Wire it to me.

[Mike]

Yeah. My crypto wallet.

[Jason]

It's funny, because usually he's into crypto.

[Mike]

That's a good plan.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Crypto wallet. Usually here I want to go with, like, president of the United States.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Because you have the power to do so much. You could call and, you know, if you got to make one call, you could really think about choosing your time wisely. Like, oh, you can't get that reservation at the fancy restaurant. You know, I promise you, the President of the United States can. He could call up and be like,

[Andy]

that's what you're going with.

[Jason]

Maybe. But my point here is when I

[Mike]

show up and ask for my name, I'm gonna say Jason, because I won't

[Andy]

have any Secret Service with me.

[Jason]

The reservation. Yeah. I'm gonna put it under Jason Moore. But the.

[Andy]

Change the title of the White House

[Mike]

into this guy's name.

[Jason]

The problem is that the current President of the United States is Donald Trump, and everybody can do his voice.

[Mike]

Yeah. People think you're.

[Jason]

So nobody's gonna. Yeah. Nobody's gonna really believe that that's Donald Trump.

[Andy]

What if you did? Like, if you're the head of the sec. This is getting a little technical.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

You can make one phone call and Bring an investigation against any company, which means you could short that company stock ahead of time. Bring the investigation.

[Mike]

You guys are going way deeper. I was gonna be some lady celebrity and call one of you guys up and be like, hey, I got a big crush on you.

[Andy]

I guess that.

[Jason]

I guess that's actually super good. Record that.

[Mike]

And then you guys just, like, you

[Jason]

won't believe who called me last night.

[Andy]

You could never confirm it to anybody.

[Jason]

No, no, no. You kidding me? You'd come into the Scar, and you'd be like, johan, Charlotte Johansson called me last night, guys. You won't believe it. She's a big fan of the show. And then Mike goes. And Mike goes, really? Did it sound like this? And he plays the clip. And I would melt into.

[Mike]

If you really did fool somebody like

[Jason]

that, or when you.

[Mike]

Or you come in and you do nothing. And I know that it's just. It's in there. It's stewing. You're like, oh, man, do I tell everybody about this?

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Like, I'm pretty sure it was hurt.

[Jason]

You could also use this in sports. You know, if you've got a favorite sports team and they're up against, you know, a really important matchup and you impersonate the owner, call that head coach, say, hey, you're sitting this player tonight, you know? You mean you're sitting LeBron or whoever,

[Mike]

you know, trade Luka Doncic, right?

[Jason]

Someone did this. Someone actually successfully did this and convinced the Mavs to trade Luka Doncic to the Lakers.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Andy]

All right, all right. Well, there you go. There's some opportunities.

[Jason]

I'm not going to call you again. I don't want to deal with this again. You get the deal.

[Andy]

Get him out the door.

[Mike]

Don't ever ask me.

[Andy]

I don't care who you trade him for.

[Jason]

Don't shop it around.

[Andy]

I don't care how old he is. Sean, from the website, the three of you are selected to star in a reboot of a classic TV show of your choice. What show are you choosing, and what role will each of you play?

[Jason]

So can you recast? Like,

[Andy]

we're together, though, right?

[Jason]

We're together. So first thing that came to my mind is, like, Three Company, but it's like, Three's Company is two women and a guy. Can you replace, like.

[Andy]

But we. We can dress up.

[Jason]

Okay, go.

[Mike]

Three Stooges.

[Andy]

Not it.

[Jason]

No, not Three Stooges. That's too old.

[Andy]

What are the. What other funny trifectas of, like, teams should you, like? Full house.

[Mike]

You got Joey.

[Jason]

We are we literally are that. I mean, we've been comped to that a lot. And I don't even think I need to explain who's who. Like, it's self explanatory here. There's no one that would get this wrong. This would be like. This would be. If this was who Wants to Be a Millionaire? This would be the hundred dollar question. And they'd be like, oh, yeah, I don't need a phone.

[Mike]

If you haven't seen Full House, you're not gonna get it right. If you've seen the show, you've got it right.

[Jason]

Yeah, for sure.

[Andy]

Wow. I don't even feel like I have to. Yeah, you don't. I'm just trying to think like, is there one where there's like a tandem and one could be a villain of a TV show in a TV show where like. Cause maybe one of us wants to try that.

[Jason]

I mean, I could be Lex Luthor right now. Yeah, you could. Baldy. I was going to say earlier it was really upsetting when you asked Josh about his bee stings to the face. You know, because he looks the way

[Andy]

he does because he's puffy.

[Jason]

And then you switch over to our camera and the middle guy on this side is also bald.

[Andy]

And I. Oh, you realized there was more of a mirror going on.

[Jason]

Yeah, and I didn't like. I didn't like it.

[Andy]

Man on one side.

[Mike]

Oh, no. The other side.

[Andy]

Oh my gosh.

[Jason]

Terrible. Nothing's changing, I guess. Same picture. Imagine you give him some glasses, woke up in the morning, and you go

[Mike]

to brush your teeth.

[Jason]

You go to brush your teeth and you walk up to your bathroom mirror and in the mirror you see Papa John.

[Mike]

Yo, that sounds.

[Jason]

No, I don't know.

[Andy]

I don't know how you're coming to terms with this right now.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's over.

[Mike]

Oh, Jeremy gave us some good idea now.

[Andy]

Jason, you could shave your face.

[Jason]

Oh, no, I couldn't. I will be growing my hair out immediately.

[Mike]

Yeah, we could do friends. Does that would work?

[Andy]

Yeah, friends would work. Although I know who I am again.

[Mike]

You do?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Are you stupid?

[Andy]

David Schwimmer?

[Jason]

Sure. Yeah. You're for sure, Ross.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. You two will be in the recliners.

[Mike]

Jerry, you Joey or Chandler?

[Jason]

I think I'm Chandler and you're Joey.

[Andy]

I'll take it. And guess what? We could do Parks and Rec too. And I already know who they are. I'm stupid Adam Scott in that one. And you guys are Nick Offerman and Chris Pratt.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's actually that's my favorite.

[Andy]

Hey, guess what? Let's do Brooklyn.

[Josh]

Nine.

[Jason]

Nine.

[Andy]

I know who I'm at in that one. I'm the stupid captain.

[Jason]

Yeah, you are. You're the. You're the. You're the dad. Straight boring old man character.

[Andy]

I mean, who am I in the Office if one of us is.

[Jason]

Oh, that's a good one. The Office. I don't know.

[Andy]

Steve Corral. Rainn Wilson. So you've got Jim, and I feel like you're Jim. I'm Jim, right?

[Jason]

Yeah, you're Jim.

[Andy]

That's the one I need to be.

[Jason]

That's the one you want.

[Andy]

Because he's likable.

[Jason]

I think I would be Steve Carell. Maybe in there.

[Andy]

I think he'd be Dwight. Oh, he'd be Dwight.

[Mike]

That'd be fine.

[Andy]

Yeah, that one works. All right, let's go. That one, please.

[Mike]

I'll allow it for you.

[Jason]

Just for you.

[Mike]

Although I would.

[Jason]

Much better.

[Mike]

I liked the one where I was Offerman. I do like.

[Andy]

I don't want to be Danny Tanner. And I sure as heck. Yeah, no, it was America's Tanner. I don't want to be David Schwimmer either.

[Mike]

You don't want. You wouldn't want to do a role where, like, you're America's dad?

[Andy]

I would be all right with that.

[Mike]

That's. That's not bad.

[Andy]

Could I take my glasses off and teach a lesson every show?

[Mike]

Oh, absolutely. And you'd get the.

[Jason]

Yeah, we're definitely going. Parks and Rec final answers. Parks and Rec. Mike's Ron Swanson. I'm Andy.

[Andy]

Can I be Rob Lowe in that one?

[Jason]

Yes, you could be either Rob Lowe or Ben White. Either one of those.

[Andy]

All literally. Literally the greatest in the world. All right, what do we want to do? Al? You want to move on?

[Josh]

Let's get into the draft.

[Jason]

Who's Councilman Jam? That's Josh.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Just put a wig on.

[Andy]

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[Jason]

The Spitballers Draft all right, we are

[Andy]

drafting high school electives. If the kids were in charge. Mike, you've got the first pick in this illustrious draft.

[Mike]

I do.

[Andy]

What elective are the kids choosing?

[Mike]

So I will say I did use some help here from the robot overlords to get a better title.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

Of the class. So with the 101, I will be taking advanced attendance strategies. Oh, the art of cutting class.

[Andy]

I do. I like that very much. I also like the title. That's.

[Mike]

Yeah, I've got some good ones over here. But imagine a class that's all about cutting class. Like, how do you get extra credit in that class? You don't show up.

[Jason]

Ooh, nice. I skipped the whole semester. Straight A's.

[Andy]

Very, very nice. Jason, you are on the clock a

[Jason]

lot of different ways you can go here. This one that I want to take right now, I'm going to put that off. I'm going to put it off a little while.

[Mike]

You're going to be dangerous.

[Jason]

I'm going to live dangerously and kick it down the road. I'm going to go with becoming a YouTube star.

[Mike]

Dang it. That was the one I didn't take.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's, that's the.

[Mike]

Mine was content creation and personal branding path to online fame.

[Andy]

Yeah, very nice.

[Jason]

You want to be a podcaster. You want to be, you know, that's, that's all that the kids want.

[Mike]

And I like, I get it because

[Jason]

we all want to be us.

[Mike]

Like, yes. I mean we are very, very cool. But growing up, you, I mean like whatever is the huge entertainment business, you know, like Sports, music and movies. That's what it used to be. That's what. That's what we all.

[Jason]

Everyone wants to become that. Yeah.

[Mike]

And now it's all YouTube and like, what do you want to do? I want to be a content creator. Yeah, you're like, oh, that's gross.

[Andy]

That's a good one.

[Jason]

What do you like?

[Andy]

Well, I just created some new titles for my.

[Mike]

There you go.

[Andy]

So I will. I will be going. My first pick. I've got back to back picks. I'm going to go with crypto and credit cards. How to be rich and bankrupt at the same time.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

No joke. I got a message out of the blue the other day from my son. He was just like, you gotta go invest in XRP now.

[Mike]

Oh, no.

[Andy]

And it was just. It was just like, yeah, you're gonna get rich quick.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Andy]

So credit. Crypto and credit cards.

[Mike]

Hey, son, just send me all your money.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, I'll do it. All right. And then the second one, I'm just going to go with it, guys. Advanced napping.

[Mike]

Oh, that was probably my nappy.

[Andy]

Sleeping your way to success? Literally.

[Jason]

Yeah. I have power napping as the class for sure.

[Andy]

Professional napping. Yeah.

[Jason]

I mean, every high schooler would take that and make that first period, you know what I mean? Because my kids are not awake. When my daughter gets her schedule every year, she's like, what's our one? Because what is either easier. I'm failing, you know what I mean? Because I'm not awake yet. If that's math hour one, it won't be a problem.

[Mike]

Math can't be first or last.

[Andy]

No, we have. My son has math first. And we went to the. Meet the teacher. Tough, super cool teacher. She's like, I already know first period. They're going to be in big trouble. I try not to overwhelm them.

[Jason]

Yeah, so.

[Andy]

So that's a good teacher.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

She got to know reality. So there you go. Advanced napping.

[Jason]

All right, I'm going to take the one I wanted to take and I'm going to kick that down the road further.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Okay. I live dangerously. I'm going to just put that one off. I'm going to take life hacks for the lazy. Okay, okay, just. How do. How do you find a way to just make everything more comfortable, easy, do less life hacks for the lazy. Seems like what high schoolers would be very interested in.

[Andy]

All right, I like it.

[Mike]

I'm going to. So my first pick, I'm going to go with persuasive Communication. Winning arguments at home.

[Andy]

Oh, yes, yes.

[Mike]

We all remember trying to win that argument with mom and dad. And more often than not.

[Andy]

What's the name of it again? I liked it.

[Mike]

Persuasive communication.

[Andy]

Okay, that's good. That's good.

[Mike]

And man, if you could win some arguments with your parents when you were young, that's like, that's the dream.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, it's the drop the mic and

[Mike]

walk out of the room like, I got you. And then I'm gonna go for my third one. I don't know if kids realize that they should go with this, but it would be very helpful. Also, I'll go with fashion and identity crafting your personal style. Oh, okay. I would take that when you're in high school. Most of us, I'll just speak from the dumb dudes. We don't know what we're doing. No, we like I dressed. I mean, people may not like how I dress now, but, I mean, I was. I was objectively a bad dresser until I met my wife, and then she helped me get better clothes and I. So I'm like someone just to tell

[Andy]

you what to do.

[Mike]

I spent a really long time in my life looking real bad.

[Andy]

Okay. All right.

[Mike]

I wish there was something that could have helped.

[Jason]

You can't because you can't trust your parents. Fashion. Even if they're correct, you look stupid. And it's like, no, you'll look good in this. Like you don't know what you're talking about.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah. Your two closest friends could tell you to wear anything and you'll do it.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

So your first three picks.

[Mike]

Wait, how baggy are those jeans? Yeah.

[Andy]

Advanced attendance strategies, persuasive communication for those home arguments. And then you've taken fashion identity crafting your personal style.

[Mike]

Correct.

[Andy]

Jason, so far you have becoming a YouTube star in life hacks for the lazy. You got another pick.

[Jason]

I'm up right now.

[Andy]

Yeah. Are you going to kick it down the road again? I think you're probably safe.

[Jason]

Not yet. I'm not going to take it yet. I'm leaving it for last. I am instead going to take Crunch Wrap capitalism, the economics of Taco Bell at 2:00am okay.

[Mike]

Hey, kids, you got to learn that thing.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. You want to save money? You go look at that value menu. Figure out how to crunch wrap.

[Andy]

The timing is funny. That's great. Crunch wrap capitalism. The timing of. It's funny because I drove by a Taco Bell pretty late last night, and I can honestly tell you, I have

[Mike]

not did the bell ring?

[Andy]

No, I have not been to a Taco Bell.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Andy]

Or any of that caliber, Caliber of fast food in forever. And it's entirely because of my age.

[Josh]

Who's the.

[Mike]

Who's on caliber with Taco Bell for you?

[Andy]

Taco Bell's at the bottom of the run. McDonald's is there. McDonald's, Taco Bell, Arby's for sure.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Carl's Jr.

[Mike]

The ones that will have quick, dirty and gross. Oh, I mean, quick, dirty, delicious.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

[Mike]

But consequential.

[Andy]

Consequential. And also the cheapest. Whatever. The cheapest.

[Jason]

Right, that makes sense. Whatever. You can go there with 10 bucks and leave with like two bags of food.

[Andy]

But I drove by and I was like, man, people. People eat there all the time. And I forget. I was a young person. My son eats almost pure garbage all the time. Because your body can do it. All right, that's good. That's a funny name, too. I've got the crypto and credit card class. I got the advanced napping. All right. I'm going to go with a couple of exciting. Well, it's a little bit similar to yours. I think. You're going to let me keep it, though. We're going to go with Twitch Streaming for dummies. How to earn Less than Minimum wage online.

[Jason]

Sure.

[Andy]

No, how to earn less Less than Minimum wage line. So, you know, I got to be that Twitch streamer. Everyone's got to be.

[Mike]

I was.

[Andy]

Everyone must want to watch me play this game.

[Mike]

I had a couple month run there where me and my boy, we were streaming pretty regular. And you know, you get your analytics and look, I had a leg up because we have social media following, so I was able to get at least some people watching. But then, you see, they tell you what the real numbers are and it's like people who stream Fortnite. Of all of all the people out there, the average viewers for a channel of someone streaming for tonight is about half a person.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

So there are. There's like. And there's humongous channels out there.

[Andy]

Which goes the same for YouTube, the same for TikTok.

[Mike]

There's people streaming to nobody.

[Jason]

Yeah, that was when.

[Mike]

Oh, man, that would be tough.

[Andy]

When I was. When you're the one person watching and you want to leave. Yeah, I've been on My brother or other people have gone live on Instagram Live, and I'll be the first one to jump in. Oh, and I'm like, I can't leave till someone else shows up. Yeah, because then you're talking to no one, and it breaks me, man.

[Jason]

You gotta. You gotta boot up another computer with like a pseudo join in.

[Andy]

You just set the phone down and just.

[Mike]

Cause, you know, they see you leave and they're like, oh, there's no one. Okay.

[Andy]

Is there a sadder thing on Earth than livestreaming to no one? That's gotta be. Oh, yes, is the answer.

[Mike]

But I know what you mean.

[Andy]

That is his.

[Mike]

It's pretty brutal.

[Andy]

That's pretty rough.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's.

[Mike]

Hey, chat.

[Andy]

That's like having the birthday party. That's the birthday party no one comes to. And you still have the clown there.

[Jason]

Oh, man, that just. That hurts my soul.

[Andy]

I know, I know. All right, my final pick. You guys ready for this one? Yep. Few choices, few things that popped into my head, but I'm going to go with inheritance hacks waiting for rich relatives to kick the bucket.

[Jason]

Oh, okay.

[Andy]

No, kid doesn't. I mean, it's the dream of every young kid.

[Jason]

This sounds just like a health class, like a longevity course where it's like, just survive. Just survive.

[Andy]

Everyone wants, you know, they don't want relatives. They know to kick the bucket. They want to find out that they had a relative that was super rich somewhere else. And you get a letter in the mail that goes, well, your third uncle has passed away and left you a castle.

[Mike]

It's always a castle.

[Jason]

You have an uncle with a castle.

[Mike]

Everybody does.

[Andy]

So listen.

[Jason]

I don't.

[Andy]

I said that based in reality. Wait, because I.

[Jason]

You have an uncle with a castle.

[Andy]

I know. Not my uncle. I know somebody who was in my life for many years, lived here in Arizona when I was a teenager, who. This is an adult, married adult, found out of nowhere that his wife. His wife found out that she was the heir to a kingdom in another

[Jason]

country that's usually a Disney movie.

[Andy]

And literally instantaneously, overnight was flown to that country.

[Mike]

They were gone.

[Andy]

What was given a castle? What? And real.

[Jason]

Real life.

[Andy]

Real life. Tons of properties. A castle and is from. From that moment. So for 20 years, regular pictures of them at events like you would imagine. The king and queen. What? For the last 20 years.

[Jason]

I gotta get on, like ancestry.com and find something out there.

[Andy]

The leader and most influential people in the country, the king and like, became that overnight. And they had been searching the story.

[Mike]

Isn't that what the Princess Diaries is?

[Andy]

The story has been. They had been searching for them for years, and they finally found her. I watched a movie from that moment until now. 25 years.

[Jason]

They have Been royalty, infinitely rich. I genuinely believe that you believe what you're saying. I do. I really do. I genuinely believe you believe it. That's not real. That's only.

[Andy]

We'll talk. We'll chat after. I'll share.

[Jason]

That's incredible.

[Andy]

It was the most insane story.

[Mike]

Also, I realize how bad my life is now.

[Jason]

I know. I thought we were doing all right.

[Mike]

We were doing great.

[Jason]

You live in a castle, Mike.

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

You dining with kings and queens?

[Mike]

I am. Not yet.

[Jason]

Not yet.

[Andy]

I just went to his Facebook page two months ago. Another picture of them getting awards for being rich.

[Jason]

What is the name of the movie?

[Mike]

What is the king doing on Facebook?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

This is crazy. It's crazy.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

Am I back up?

[Mike]

That's when he finds this is a long con.

[Jason]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

25 years.

[Andy]

All right. You're back on the clock. Your final pick.

[Jason]

My final pick. I've put it off long enough. This is mastering procrastination.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

The semester starts tomorrow. Yeah, baby.

[Andy]

Oh, very nice.

[Jason]

Put it off as long as possible.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Put that can down the road because, look, it works.

[Mike]

Yeah. One of my.

[Andy]

It works.

[Jason]

One.

[Mike]

One of my. As a younger person, a motto. I don't know what else to call it. But if, like, you know, like, don't do, like. If you don't have to do it today, put it off till tomorrow. And if you put it off long enough, eventually you don't have to do it, man.

[Jason]

That's. That's bad advice, kids.

[Mike]

It is really bad advice. But it might work out for you.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

All right. My final pick. We all want the ability that when someone you know is talking, they're chirping at you or just any circumstance you want to be able to handle yourself. So I'm going with verbal combat.

[Jason]

Nice.

[Mike]

The art of roasting. And witness. Oh, great.

[Andy]

Mobile combat's a really cool. People take that class for the title.

[Jason]

Having comebacks in your pocket, your ammunition locked and ready to go where you're never like, yeah, you win. No, not today.

[Mike]

You wish.

[Andy]

Well, look, kids, we just invented 12 spectacular classes for the demise of America. And this is why high schoolers shouldn't choose things.

[Jason]

Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Andy]

Just put it off, all right?

[Jason]

You may not have to do it eventually. You won't have to. What did we learn today?

[Andy]

I mean, look, I learned that the Doosers have been stung by beasts thousands of times.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

What is that all about?

[Jason]

I learned that Andy believes a movie is real life.

[Mike]

And I learned we may or may not be getting a Keanu Reeves Zorro. I still don't know if it's real.

[Andy]

Well, let's hope they improve the CGI in that movie.

[Mike]

That's why I don't know if it's real. Maybe it's fake.

[Andy]

See, you can't tell anymore. Catch you next time.

[Mike]

Goodbye.

[Jason]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com.

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