I’m Not Bruce Wayne! & The Worst Times For Your Phone To Die - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast – Episode Summary Episode: I’m Not Bruce Wayne! & The Worst Times For Your Phone To Die – Spit Hits! Date: May 7, 2026 Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

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Episode Overview

This episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast is classic Spitballers—an energetic, hilarious blend of absurd “Would You Rather” scenarios, pop culture impersonations, and life advice you’d be wise never to follow. Highlights include a round of “Would You Rather” with especially tricky and embarrassing choices, a “Liar Liar” trivia segment, and a draft of the worst possible times for your phone to die. The trio, with their signature dad-humor and friendly bickering, keeps the banter rolling from start to finish.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Segments

Opening Banter & Updates

• The hosts joke about previous episodes' scat singing intros, missed performances, and juggling updates.
  • Andy brags about successfully juggling for over 10 seconds, citing, “Not only did you do it easily, but you did it again and again. No problem.” (05:12, Jason)
  • Papa Josh (producer) struggles to juggle for more than nine seconds: “Second time, spit wads. We are gracious people. We did give him another try, and he still couldn’t get to 10 seconds.” (05:37, Jason)

“Would You Rather” Segment (07:26)

1. Embarrassing Public Moments (07:26-11:32)

   • Option 1: Get caught giving yourself finger guns in a bathroom mirror.
   • Option 2: Accidentally barge into a serious meeting while loudly singing Kelly Clarkson.
   • Andy picks singing: “The natural thing I need to do after that happens is I leave.” (08:25, Andy)
   • Mike insists finger guns can be owned: “You just throw those away.” (09:00, Mike)
   • Jason sides with singing, unable to own the finger guns embarrassment: “If they turn and did what you just did to me and try to get their way out of it, I have judged them eternally.” (09:18, Jason)
   • Memorable moment: The guys attempt and critique finger guns and debate accompanying spins and sound effects. (10:42)

2. Plans and Uncertainty (12:16-18:32)

   • Would you rather (A) never know what you're doing tomorrow for 5 years, or (B) know exactly what you’re doing every day for 5 years, without being able to change it?
   • “The only thing that matters to me in this context appears to be vacations.” (15:16, Jason)
   • Andy jokes about loving daily routine: “Give me another 40 years of perfectly routine days. I’d be totally—without—I don’t care.” (16:07, Andy)
   • Mike and Jason ultimately pick having all plans scheduled for the next 5 years.

3. Recurring Physical Embarrassment (18:34-22:32)

   • Would you rather trip and fall every time you enter a room of people, or have your voice crack every time you try to make a serious point?
   • Jason: “One of these is shortening our actual lifespan.” (20:23)
   • Andy reflects on aging and falls: “A stumble is a prequel to what you know will happen someday.” (20:40, Andy)
   • All agree falling is too dangerous; voice crack is more survivable, if embarrassing.

4. Batman or Joker Voice for Life (22:33-26:40)

   • Would you always talk like Christian Bale’s Batman or Heath Ledger’s Joker?
   • Andy: “Christian Bale’s Batman...no, he sounds like a guy doing a voice.” (24:06)
   • Jason defends the Batman voice for anonymity: “At least when you do that, you don’t know. You’re not just giving yourself away.” (25:03)
   • The guys do impressions, with Andy enjoying the Batman rasp.
   • Final picks: Andy chooses Batman voice; Jason & Mike, the Joker’s.

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Liar Liar Trivia Segment (29:30-40:10)

Al Borland presents three rounds of trivia, with two truths and one lie per round.

Round 1 – Bizarre Historical Facts (30:14-34:48)

• Facts:
  1. Winston Churchill commissioned a parrot to spy on German troops.
  2. Johnny Cash intercepted and decoded a classified Soviet transmission reporting Stalin’s death.
  3. Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel and declined.

Quote:
Jason (skeptical): “I cannot possibly believe that Johnny Cash was the person to receive and decode the death of Stalin.” (32:30)

• Reveal: The Churchill/parrot story was the lie.
• Shock as Johnny Cash’s military history is verified; Einstein was indeed offered Israel’s presidency in 1952.

Round 2 – Inventor Oddities (35:47-37:43)

• Facts:
  1. Treadmill inventor died of a heart attack on it.
  2. Frisbee inventor’s ashes turned into commemorative frisbees.
  3. Segway inventor died riding Segway off a cliff.
• Lie: Treadmill inventor story.

Round 3 – Modern Absurdities (37:51-39:38)

• Facts:
  1. Canadian influencer claimed to survive 21 days on artisanal ice cubes.
  2. Music in famous anti-piracy ad was itself pirated.
  3. Man ate an entire airplane, got a Guinness award, then ate said award.
• Lie: The ice-cube diet.
• Mike wins back-to-back Liar Liar rounds!

Quote:
Al: “They actually commissioned the guy to make the music for a specific film festival that they could use that one time. And then they decided they were gonna keep using it… and he sued them.” (40:01)

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The Spitballers Draft – Worst Times for Your Phone to Die (41:38-55:17)

Draft Order & Picks

Round 1
Mike: “In the bathroom (sitting down to poop).” (41:50)
Jason: “Right before Ubering home from a sketchy spot.” (43:14)
Andy: “Intruder in the home—need to call 911, phone’s dead.” (44:51)

Round 2
Andy: “Driving somewhere and need directions.” (45:44)
Jason: “Using phone for translation in a foreign country.” (46:00)
Mike: “At the gym, phone dies—no tunes.” (47:10)

Round 3
Mike: “Trying to film your kid’s big performance/game and phone dies.” (48:35)
Jason: “Trying to get into a big event (tickets are phone-only, can’t get in).” (49:49)
Andy: “Medical emergency—need to call for help.” (50:33)

Round 4
Andy: “During two-factor authentication—can’t log in without the phone.” (51:12)
Jason: “Right before deleting a regretted text (can’t unsend).” (51:46)
Mike: “On a job interview or work call, phone dies.” (52:27)

Honorable Mentions:

• Lost in the woods with no signal.
• Awaiting important phone call.
• Disneyland (everything is app-based).
• Stranded at the grocery line (need digital wallet to pay).
• Needing to sell stock in a market crash.
• Car/breakdown on the side of the road.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

On voice cracks and aging:
“I’ve realized that I’m not there yet where, like, a fall is going to be the end of me ... but I’ve realized in a couple stumbles, this is a prequel to what you know will happen someday.” (20:40, Andy)

On personality types and planning:
“I could settle into a daily routine for the next—how old am I? I’m 41. Give me another 40 years of perfectly routine days. I’d be totally…without—I don’t care.” (16:07, Andy)

On Liar Liar trivia:
“It is true. Johnny Cash was in the Air Force, assigned to Landsberg, West Germany...He was a wireless operator...” (33:43, Al)

On losing access at events:
“You can’t get into a major sporting event or a major concert [if] that line’s not moving on your phone. You can’t get in. So if your phone dies...” (49:48, Jason)

On phone surviving Uber trips:
“I was like 2% of battery away from that happening once. And I was like, what do I do? I can’t call anybody. I can’t walk home…” (44:05, Jason)

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Episode Wrap-Up

What We Learned Today

• “Falling is our greatest enemy as we age.” (55:17, Jason)
• “Josh thinks nine seconds of knowledge of something is enough to be an expert.” (55:27, Andy)
• Johnny Cash’s Air Force service and Israeli presidential offers for Einstein make for “truth is stranger than fiction” historical moments.

Overall Tone & Style

• Fun, irreverent, full of quick-witted exchanges and good-natured teasing.
• Clean, family-friendly comedy with relatable dad vibes and just enough absurdity to surprise even longtime listeners.

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Timestamps for Key Segments:

• Opening & Jugging Update: 01:58–06:17
• Would You Rather: 07:26–26:40
• Liar Liar Segment: 29:30–40:10
• Worst Times for Phone to Die Draft: 41:38–55:17

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For more Spitballers hilarity, visit spitballerspod.com.

Transcript

[Jason]

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[Mike]

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[Jason]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Andy]

All right, I'm here for it.

[Jason]

I'm here for any scat. That's not me. Great job, Mike.

[Andy]

Next episode. And you skipped your last one.

[Jason]

I skipped my last.

[Andy]

So you really gotta bring it. Don't let us down with any, like shenanigans.

[Jason]

Oh, I would never.

[Andy]

Next week. No shenanigans.

[Jason]

Would never pull out a shenanigan. I will say though, how many of

[Mike]

your last, like four actually.

[Andy]

Non shenanigans.

[Jason]

Let's see you muted. One was pure silence. One was I didn't do it. That was the best one. One was Papa Josh. And then so two. Two of the last one.

[Mike]

Only two?

[Jason]

I think so.

[Andy]

Feels. Feels like you haven't done a great one in a while, though.

[Jason]

Oh, it's been years.

[Andy]

We have a fun show today. We have Liar Liar back on the show today. He's been laboring over those lies. Normally they come very easy to him. As a dishonest person.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

At his core, lies are super simple, but it's finding the shocking truths that are right. We do have an update as well. We have. Would you rather. On the show we're drafting the worst times for your phone to die. Which these are always funny to think about because we didn't used to have them. We didn't used to have phones at all. Which meant that like there was no. All these moments. You didn't have a phone already.

[Jason]

Yeah. And people survived.

[Andy]

You weren't panic attacking.

[Jason]

We are so much.

[Andy]

I guess some people died weaker.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

Because of that. Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, yes. We are. We are soft.

[Andy]

The. The walking on the freeway to the different. Because they'll set up like a phone station. That's what they used to.

[Mike]

Oh like if your car broke down

[Andy]

every like 20 miles or something and you knew you could walk to find a phone station, maybe you'd make it.

[Jason]

You know, it would be really interesting if the. Let's. Let's say our grandparents generation. Right? Our grandparents generation. If we could snap our fingers and all of those people were here at let's say 30 years old and all of a sudden there's a whole nother generation right on top of us.

[Andy]

Okay, those.

[Jason]

Our grandparents generation living just next to us, living next to us. How much better would they be?

[Andy]

Oh, they'd be a lot better.

[Jason]

They'd be harder workers.

[Andy]

Weird though is they all looked older. Did you know that they looked older

[Jason]

when they were 30s?

[Andy]

Yes. They. You gotta look this up.

[Mike]

There's wild stuff. If you go back and look at. They look TV actors, older TV actors in the 80s.

[Jason]

We're just aging better now.

[Mike]

Yeah, I think so.

[Andy]

Because it's like it's related to maturity. They were more mature and looked the

[Jason]

things they've been through by the time they're 30. Weather a man.

[Andy]

If you go look at like the Alabama football team, the collegiate football team, it looks like just a ton of 40 year old men.

[Jason]

Wow.

[Andy]

They all look like they're 40. It's a weird thing.

[Jason]

We just got peptides and lotions and all sorts of things now keeping us young.

[Andy]

It was. It's a funny thing, by the way, I can juggle. Josh can't.

[Jason]

Oh, yes. Update on the last episode. We did test the 10 second juggle. Three balls. And Andy, not only did you do it easily, but you did it again and again. No problem.

[Mike]

First try. It's first try, first try, second try.

[Jason]

Whatever.

[Andy]

Mike.

[Mike]

He can juggle like you could juggle.

[Jason]

I'm a Juggler Papa Josh. Now, his first try. He got close.

[Andy]

Nine seconds.

[Jason]

He couldn't get there, though. And we said, we're only one try. We said only one try on the show. He said, you only get first try. He's like, ah, that was my first try. I was like, yeah, that was the. That was the test. If you can juggle, but it's okay.

[Andy]

Second time, spit wads.

[Jason]

We are gracious people. We did give him another try, and he still couldn't get to 10 seconds.

[Andy]

Nine seconds.

[Mike]

So, Josh, nine second man. Josh, can you juggle?

[Jason]

Yes. Oh, I don't know.

[Mike]

So you think. Okay, we're going to stay with this. Okay.

[Andy]

If you had to juggle. Okay, new 30 seconds to save your family's life, you take that. No. Okay, then you can't.

[Jason]

But I can juggle for short periods of time. Okay, nine seconds and under.

[Mike]

You're a juggler. Yeah, I can juggle for about two seconds.

[Andy]

I was going to say, like, if everybody lined up in the office and juggled, he would last longer than everybody else, except for me.

[Jason]

I wonder if the people at large would consider, like, if you say, oh,

[Andy]

yeah, Is that juggling?

[Jason]

Is that. Can you juggle? If you can only juggle for nine seconds, you can't ever juggle past nine seconds. You can do it 100 times. You can't juggle past nine seconds. Are you able to juggle?

[Andy]

I think in a normal environment when somebody's like, can you juggle? Show me. I think you could play off the nine seconds or less as, yes, you can juggle, because you could. That's a good time.

[Jason]

You do it for two seconds. If you do someone and they're like

[Andy]

five, and then you throw them, the ball's bad.

[Mike]

But that's just a trick. Like, you're. I mean, you're just faking, like, juggling is a trick. Hey. Yeah, but like, hey, ask me if I speak Spanish.

[Jason]

Mike, do you speak Spanish?

[Mike]

See?

[Jason]

Whoa. He sure does.

[Mike]

Done, though.

[Jason]

Math checks out.

[Mike]

I don't speak Spanish.

[Andy]

Now speak nine seconds of Spanish, though.

[Mike]

Donde esty la biblioteca?

[Jason]

Oh, that was a couple seconds.

[Mike]

But you know what the spoilers. I cannot speak Spanish.

[Jason]

Don't let him in.

[Mike]

I can pretend like, Josh.

[Andy]

He.

[Mike]

He can't. He could pretend he can juggle, but he can't juggle.

[Andy]

If you learn nine seconds, of every talent, you're the best in the world. That's all I'm saying. All right, let's kick it off with some. Would you rather. Would you Rather, Lily from the website, would you rather get caught giving yourself finger guns in the bathroom mirror?

[Mike]

Got this. So you're in the mirror, Jeremy,

[Andy]

finger guns in the mirror. Or so somebody catches you, they walk into the bathroom, they see you giving yourself finger guns in the mirror, which is hilarious. Or accidentally barge into a serious meeting while loudly singing Kelly Clarkson.

[Jason]

So you are the one barging in.

[Mike]

You're like, since you've been gone. And then.

[Andy]

And then you're like, oh, someone's in here.

[Jason]

You're not going anymore.

[Al]

You got to be doing that in your falsetto, though. There you go.

[Andy]

Very nice. Can you do nine seconds with that

[Jason]

falsetto or I can do it forever. Just don't, don't, don't time me.

[Andy]

I feel like the. I'm going to choose. I want to be caught doing the Kelly Clarkson because my. The natural thing I need to do after that happens is I leave. Like, I barged in, and my job is to get out.

[Jason]

I think in both situations, it's your turn to leave, but one is a walk.

[Andy]

But if I'm caught in the finger guns, what do I do? Just sprint out the door?

[Mike]

No, you just.

[Jason]

What?

[Mike]

That was so easy.

[Jason]

Really?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

What do you do?

[Mike]

Okay. Okay, I'm gonna pretend. And I go. I go, oh, oh.

[Andy]

You know, you wouldn't finger gun right at the person.

[Jason]

You would finger gun right at the person. Immediately.

[Mike]

You just throw those away.

[Jason]

But what if. What if that person throws their hands up like they're scared?

[Mike]

Then I keep going like there's a robbery.

[Jason]

What if he then starts, like, giving you his wallet?

[Mike]

Then I pretend to call the police

[Jason]

and say, there was a murder. I murdered someone with figure guns. I didn't.

[Mike]

We're doing a bit now, and I'm not going to be the one who gives up on the bit.

[Andy]

Like a Shooter McGavin in the mirror.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So here's the thing. Look, that's. That's okay. Maybe you can do that. Maybe you can get out of it. It would work, and it would be great. I think it would work, but I don't think I would have the wherewithal to immediately do that. My embarrassment in the moment would not allow me to realize, oh, I can take this further and get out of it and justify. Instead, I would be flush with embarrassment. Like, incredible. Because if I walked in on someone doing finger guns to themselves in a mirror, there's nothing they could do. If they turn and did what you just did to me and try to get their way out of it, I have Judged them eternally. They are. They are locked in as the finger guns to themselves in the mirror guy.

[Andy]

That's the question for me is how am I going to see these people again later? Like, what's more embarrassing long term?

[Jason]

Because finger guns.

[Mike]

All the people in the. It's a big office.

[Andy]

All the people in the office. Like, there's a lot of people in that room. So you're now known. The finger guns. You're caught by one person. But Kelly Clarkson breaking into the conference room.

[Jason]

Everybody sings on their own.

[Andy]

Yeah, but they don't interrupt important.

[Jason]

No, of course not. That's the embarrassing part. But the embarrassing part isn't the thing you're doing. It's just the timing. There's no situation where, like, finger gunsing to yourself in the mirror is cool.

[Mike]

You need to try it out. You never done a finger gun.

[Jason]

I have never given myself a finger gun in the mirror.

[Mike]

You've never looked at yourself like, get. Get yourself all composed. And then you're like, let's go.

[Andy]

Never now. Do you. I feel like you almost have to spin after that. After the finger gun, I go, like, spin to walk out the room.

[Mike]

It's a. I go papow.

[Andy]

Oh, you do a.

[Mike]

So you're not bang bang.

[Andy]

You're not a crazy guy. You're not doing, like four times.

[Mike]

No, I'm not firing them off. It's just a bang bang.

[Andy]

Oh, okay. So he bang bangs.

[Mike]

And you're gonna. You're gonna feel better about yourself.

[Jason]

No, I feel creepy. I feel. I'm trying it on for size. You're not seeing myself, and I'm like.

[Mike]

You're not in the back.

[Andy]

You're more of a one point, like a. I feel like you gotta.

[Jason]

I feel like you gotta wink. I feel naturally like I have to wink. No, that's dirty. Oh, man. I can't. I can't do that.

[Andy]

All right, so you're singing.

[Jason]

I'm gonna sing. And you know what? I'm gonna. That is so easy to walk off.

[Mike]

Walk off.

[Jason]

You walk in, you're singing.

[Mike]

What if you're.

[Jason]

You walk in, you go, oh, that's embarrassing. You could be done for that, but

[Andy]

it could be fun.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, look at Kelly Clarkson over there.

[Mike]

But what if you. You're a part of the meeting? You didn't realize you were right.

[Andy]

Oh, and then you have to keep coming.

[Jason]

You thought I was. I thought I was early. I was singing. Be like, oh, all right. Well, I guess the meeting started. Let's go.

[Mike]

Anybody else? No problem.

[Jason]

Because I didn't do something I am embarrassed of. I'm embarrassed that I was doing it then, but I'm not embarrassed.

[Andy]

Are there any artists that you could be caught singing that you would be embarrassed?

[Jason]

Yes, but there's probably plenty of artists over time that you don't want to sing anymore, so. But Kelly Clarkson. We're good.

[Andy]

John from the website. Would you rather spend the next five years not knowing what you're doing tomorrow? That's wild. Or know today what you are doing every day for the next five years and not be able to change it? Oh, this is a brain buster.

[Jason]

All right. Repeat. Repeat that.

[Andy]

Would you rather spend the next five years not knowing what you're going to do tomorrow? So you do not get to make plans. You don't know what's happening tomorrow or in the future?

[Jason]

Kind of how I live.

[Andy]

Yeah, you're very type B. Or have your. I'm sorry. Or know today what you're doing for the next day for the next five years. So you know everything that's gonna happen for the next five years and you can't change. And you can't change it. There's no way you're choosing that one, man.

[Jason]

No, I don't think so. That. That feels.

[Mike]

But if they're like. If you have a trip, you know about it. You're like, ooh, in two years, I'm taking that big trip to Japan.

[Andy]

I'm not sure that much changes in Jason's life if. If a is.

[Jason]

There's not that much of changes now,

[Andy]

obviously, it's like, you're going to pack sooner than you do now.

[Jason]

Right? Like, you know.

[Mike]

But you got a plan.

[Jason]

Well, I will say this. The hardship here. So, like, our family, we're taking our first ever European trip in a little while here. We're coming up close to it, and under this first option, I wouldn't know until the day of. That's like, oh, oh, guys, we got to go. We got to fly.

[Andy]

Oh, you don't have your. You wouldn't have your passport?

[Jason]

Well, I mean, you get the passport weeks ahead, so I think that's fine. But it's. Are we packed? Because we usually pack the night before.

[Andy]

You're saying now versus this situation.

[Jason]

I'm saying in this situation, I would have had my passport taken care of. Because it's.

[Andy]

Why?

[Al]

Well, because.

[Jason]

Just because I don't know what's going on tomorrow. I know I'm going to Europe at some point.

[Andy]

No, you don't.

[Jason]

You're saying that in this. I don't know anything I'm ever gonna do for the rest of my life, not just tomorrow. No question.

[Andy]

For the next five years. Yes. You don't know what you're doing tomorrow.

[Jason]

Just tomorrow. That doesn't say, I don't know what I'm doing next month.

[Andy]

Wait, that's included.

[Jason]

I don't know. Let's go to the. Let's go to the judge owl when

[Andy]

the next tomorrow comes.

[Jason]

I don't know what's going.

[Mike]

Jason is confused. You either. You either have.

[Al]

I interpret it more like Andy did.

[Mike]

You don't know what you're doing for five years, or you know exactly what's on the itinerary for five years.

[Andy]

The spirit of it. Because you can't. When. When you think to yourself, what am I doing tomorrow? Your answer is, I don't know.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

That means you can't make plans.

[Andy]

Correct.

[Jason]

You can't go on a vacation.

[Andy]

And here is the question. Yes.

[Jason]

So every vacation that I would ever take would be decided today for the next five years. For the next five years. If I take a vacation.

[Mike]

Yeah. And you'll know the day of.

[Jason]

The day of. We'll wake up that morning and be

[Mike]

like, fine, I'll throw a passport. Passport doesn't matter.

[Andy]

In the other way. You might only have one vacation that's on the. But, you know, it's planned. It's in 2.4 years.

[Jason]

And I love that this. So this is. This is revealing something about maybe us or at least just myself. When I'm thinking about future plans.

[Mike]

A planner now.

[Jason]

Future plans. No, when I. When I'm thinking about future plans, the only thing that matters to me in this context appears to be vacations. Like that.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

That's the only thing to look forward to. Like, we've got plenty of stuff. When does school start? You know, my kids are in theater. What. What weekend is that show? I don't care.

[Mike]

Those are like.

[Jason]

Those are. You know, show up the day of. Oh, we got to do this today. Okay, whatever. But it's the vacations that you look forward to.

[Andy]

And it's funny, because I could be.

[Jason]

I.

[Andy]

My personality. I could be fine never going on a vacation again.

[Jason]

Really.

[Andy]

I would not care.

[Jason]

I think it's the last thing I live for now.

[Andy]

I would not. I would not care. Like, if you told me I could settle into.

[Mike]

That's wild.

[Andy]

I could settle into a daily routine for the next. How old am I? I'm 41. Give me another 40 years of perfectly routine days. I'd be totally without I don't care. Don't care.

[Jason]

That is a prison sentence.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

Guess what I don't have to do

[Mike]

if I don't live your life, if

[Andy]

I don't go on vacation, have fun. I don't have to plan. I don't have to pack. I don't have to pay.

[Mike]

Well, with this, I don't have to pay. You don't have to plan either. It's already planned.

[Jason]

Yeah. So, Andy, you're so. I would imagine, I guess, by default, personalities.

[Andy]

I guess the first one would be my choice, really, because it would omit the thing I don't like, which is having to do the planning and the adjusting.

[Jason]

Hmm.

[Andy]

Oh, I'd probably live in a complete fear state.

[Mike]

Yeah, you're adjusting.

[Jason]

Everybody would be aware.

[Andy]

I would just be like, every day I'm like, oh, crap, am I going to wake up and have to go to Paris?

[Jason]

Yeah, I think personality wise, I think I know where both me and you land.

[Andy]

Yeah, I want to know, Mike.

[Jason]

I'll. I'll figure it out the day of. And no planning. You'll plan everything out, Mike. Who are you?

[Andy]

Honestly, you're giving me a great idea. I should plan the next five years right now.

[Jason]

Yeah. Every day.

[Andy]

I can do that.

[Jason]

You can. You are so type A. You could do it. You are capable of doing it.

[Andy]

I could do that.

[Jason]

And you could do it where you could commit to it and never change a thing. After today's planning, you're like, that is what.

[Andy]

Oh, and what a great thing it'd be if somebody's like, hey, can you come to my kid's birthday?

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

And they're like, oh, but next year. And I'm like, oh, no, actually, I can't next year either.

[Mike]

I can't fit you in.

[Andy]

I've got next year planned out.

[Mike]

Oh, man, this just got even better.

[Jason]

I mean, I'm.

[Mike]

I mean, there's going to be stuff on there that you don't want to do, but the stuff that pops up that, like, catches you off guard.

[Jason]

Oh, that is the worst.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

So you're going. You're going to the Planet?

[Mike]

Yeah, I'm going to take the next five years because I have to know I have the vacation and I have. I have to see the Super Circle vacation where there's new children.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. I need. I need the vacations. I don't think. I think I'm gonna pivot. I think we're all going to future planning. I have to have the vacations. Yeah, that's. That's. That's what I'm. I am.

[Andy]

You can have day trips.

[Jason]

My daily. You know how you've got your daily routine, right?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Today's daily routine is to get me to the next vacation, right? No, that is why I do today.

[Andy]

You have been living vacation to vacation in the last few years, so.

[Jason]

All right. See you in Paris.

[Andy]

You need to do a year long cruise.

[Jason]

Oh, you're telling me, brother. Yes, I do. Is that permission?

[Andy]

A permanent vacation?

[Jason]

Yeah, Just keep paying the salary.

[Mike]

We're doing a year sabbatical.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

50%.

[Jason]

No, no, no. All right.

[Andy]

Little Forney writes in from the website. Would you rather trip and fall every time you enter a room full of people or have your voice crack every time you try to make a serious point or get in a heated argument?

[Mike]

The voice cracking is the worst because

[Andy]

it

[Mike]

still happens to me and it happens to a lot of people. It's just one of those things that does happen, but then when it does, you're like, will you go to puberty?

[Jason]

I feel like you could break.

[Mike]

You're totally derailed.

[Andy]

Yeah. You're 40 and you're still like, no, I'm not.

[Jason]

That would be a way to break the tension, though. It talks about heated arguments. How can you stay in a heated argument if someone's voice.

[Mike]

But you lost.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Yeah. But sometimes it's better to just lose and have the heated argument over. Your honor.

[Andy]

Your honor, I did not commit.

[Mike]

Never read that book, Jason.

[Jason]

You never read that book.

[Mike]

Yeah. Things losers say.

[Jason]

Oh, goodness gracious. Walked right into that one, man.

[Andy]

How to lose an argument.

[Jason]

Oh, hey, Jason, pull this lever. Okay. Shink Axe came down and decapitated me.

[Andy]

Yeah. The voice crack you're not making if you every time you make a serious point. Oh, that would be so frustrating.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

This basically means. This is another way of saying you will never make a serious point the rest of your life because every time you try to make a serious point, you will derail it by sounding unseen.

[Jason]

I don't think it is a guaranteed derailment if I am making a good point and then I have a voice crack in it, I can power through and then we just ignore it. You know what I'm saying?

[Andy]

Did you hear his voice cracker? That was super embarrassing.

[Jason]

I don't know. I think I powered through. I think I.

[Mike]

You made it to the other side. Yeah. When's the last time either of you has fallen down?

[Andy]

Dude, it's getting. It's getting more painful and more dangerous.

[Mike]

That's what I'm referring.

[Jason]

One of These is shortening our actual lifespan.

[Andy]

I've realized that I'm not there yet where, like, a fall is going to be the end of me. Obviously I'm 40, but I've realized in a couple stumbles, because a stumble is not a fall. A stumble is a prequel to what you know will happen someday.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

When you're not as capable of catching yourself. And I've had a couple of stumbles where I'm like, if I do that when I'm 60, I am going to be 100%. I'm going to be in trouble.

[Mike]

I'm going to break into a thousand.

[Andy]

We have a family cabin with a lot of steps, and I see that thing and I go, I don't know if you're part of my future.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Because those steps, they may be the end.

[Jason]

When I was 20, I could fall down a flight of steps and I'd be fine.

[Andy]

At 40, that was almost fun.

[Jason]

At 40, if I slip off the bottom step, I am definitely leaving injured. At 60, I can just fall down without a step and I will be. It might be the end.

[Andy]

Let a casket catch you at the bottom.

[Jason]

Right into a casket. No, you can't fall down that often. Every time you enter a room, falling down, I mean, you.

[Andy]

I know I weigh more than I used to weigh, but I don't feel like it's by the amount that's proportional to the amount of injury that happens now.

[Jason]

Are our bones just weaker? Like we weigh more while our bones weigh less?

[Andy]

I don't know. Bones.

[Mike]

Bones are weaker.

[Andy]

Muscles fall more awkwardly because we don't have as much.

[Jason]

I don't know, man. I feel like muscles are stronger. Like I was a weak 20 year old.

[Mike]

They can be. I was talking. Not gonna name any names, right?

[Jason]

Yeah. Just not me.

[Mike]

Yeah. No one. Wasn't talking about myself, right?

[Jason]

Yeah. But you know, other people. Yeah. I'm gonna. I'm gonna take the voice crack and power through and I'll live a long life.

[Mike]

Can't fall, man.

[Andy]

If I follow it. Yeah.

[Mike]

I can't fall once a month.

[Jason]

Yeah. Seriously, if it was fall once a month, a serious fall once a month, or voice crack every time you talk. Not even serious.

[Andy]

Not to mention I can't make a serious point if I enter a room, fall down, and then start talking. So, Johan from Patreon, do we have time for one more hour? Should we move on?

[Jason]

We got time.

[Andy]

All right. Johann from Patreon, would you rather always talk like Christian Bale's Batman swear to

[Guest]

me or I love Michael Keaton's Batman

[Andy]

or Heath Ledger's Joker?

[Jason]

Ooh, wow.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

Who's going to give that one a try? So serious.

[Mike]

That's not too bad. Not too bad.

[Andy]

Look, they're both ridiculous. They're both ridiculous, but one feels more authentic. The Joker.

[Jason]

The Joker feels way more authentic.

[Mike]

Got to do a lot of smacking, though. He does that all the time.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

Cuz he's got all that freaking lipstick on. He needs to get. Don't put so much lipstick on. You got the look.

[Mike]

Christian Bale is just getting the carmax in your mouth.

[Jason]

Want to know how I got these scars?

[Andy]

Christian Bale's Batman. Look, I will forever. I know. I know how loved and beloved the Dark Knight series is, and I respect that. There are. Is it Dark Knight? The one with Joker?

[Jason]

Dark Knight.

[Mike]

Dark Knight Rises is the third.

[Andy]

Okay. The one with Joker. Absolutely. It's one of the best spectacular ever made. Yeah, but the first Batman, when he tries that voice on for size.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I just can't take it. I just can't because it's just so. It's almost like the voice cracking conversation we just had. Like when I was a kid going through puberty, the one thing I didn't want anyone to know was I was going through puberty. So I tried to fake a deeper voice than I had. Not a joke, because all these other kids around me had deeper voices and so I would talk like a deeper voice. I sounded ridiculous. And that's what Batman sounds like. No, he sounds like a guy doing a voice.

[Jason]

No, see, this is.

[Andy]

Why do that?

[Jason]

No, let me explain it.

[Andy]

Oh, I want to know.

[Jason]

This is.

[Andy]

This is.

[Guest]

I want to know. You want to know why I talk like this?

[Jason]

I'll tell you. Because this was the first superhero movie.

[Mike]

The.

[Jason]

The Nolan Dark Knight Rises, you know, trilogy, swear to me, was the first movie that tried to make superheroes real. Like. Yeah, there was a backstory. This was a realistic situation in a realistic. Yeah, and here's why. It is real. Because Christian Bale realized after watching all the cartoony Batmans, you know, the George Clooney Batman, where George Clooney is just. He's just talking just like him. Like, everybody will know it is you.

[Al]

You're just.

[Jason]

You're just you with a little bit of mask on.

[Guest]

I use my disguise. You don't know who I am.

[Jason]

That's.

[Mike]

But.

[Guest]

But at least I'm Batman.

[Jason]

But at least. At least when you do that, you don't know. You don't know. You're not Just giving yourself away. If you're putting on a mask to protect your.

[Guest]

I think you live in the city. You don't know who I am. I'm not Christian. I'm from out of town. I'm from out of town. I don't live here. My life is blatant. I changed it. I live in the caves. You're tricked.

[Jason]

But that's why, and it is silly. I remember the first red eye. I remember the first time I watched it.

[Guest]

I'm so tired.

[Jason]

It was like, whoa.

[Guest]

I just saw Bruce Wayne down the street. I promise, he's. He's the coolest. I love that guy. You're doing talks totally different than me.

[Jason]

You're doing bad, man, which is awesome. Oh, man, it just.

[Andy]

It got. It gets me, and it also gets me when he freaking pushes a button

[Jason]

on his boot and, yeah, bats come

[Mike]

running, but the Batman voice is so ridiculous.

[Andy]

I enjoyed that. So I'm choosing the Batman voice based on enjoying what just happened.

[Mike]

You're not gonna enjoy it when your entire life is eating lozenges.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's not good on my chest right now.

[Jason]

Yeah, no, I'll. I'll talk like the Joker.

[Mike]

Yeah. I mean, you have to tell a lot of stories.

[Andy]

Oh, and they have to be, like, winding stories.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah, they do.

[Andy]

And people will not trust you, but they will respect you.

[Jason]

You want to know how I got this job?

[Mike]

You know who they're not trusting?

[Guest]

This guy. I'd like a cheeseburger, a Big Mac with extra French fries, no tomatoes. No, it's not. I'm not Batman. Don't you dare put onions on that.

[Andy]

All right, we'll take a break. We'll come back with some. Liar.

[Jason]

Liar.

[Andy]

What's going on, everybody? I have a busy life. We have three kids. They are always all over the place, and it is hard to find time to cook a healthy meal instead of just clicking that button and getting some nasty delivered to your house. And we've all had long days when that hunger kicks in, and we want that healthy meal, and, well, it's not in the fridge. And that's where Factor comes in. We were using Factor, our family since before they were even a sponsor of the show. We're talking fully prepared meals that my son steals most of, designed by dietitians, crafted by chefs, delivered to your door. We've been subscribed for years now. They are fresh, never frozen. They go right into our refrigerator. Tons of great variety. We grab them. It's two minutes per meal and stuff that we actually enjoy. That tastes great. There are more than 100 options every single week. We've got like, I'm on a protein meal plan. I can order protein meals that I absolutely love. And we've been doing that for a long time. Head to factor meals.com ballers50off and use the code ballers50OFF to get 50% off and free daily greens per box with new subscription only while supplies last until September 27, 2026. See website for more details.

[Jason]

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[Andy]

All right, we are back with another spectacular edition of Liar, Liar. Al Borland has put his mind to three rounds worth of truth and lies. Two of the facts that I'm going to read are going to be true. One of them is going to be a lie.

[Mike]

We're already discussing this.

[Andy]

We are going to figure it out and we're going to win. I think Mike won last time. Am I wrong? Do we have a record that is correct?

[Al]

Yeah, the record is I've won 22 times. You guys have won three times. But Mike did win the last time

[Andy]

where I got the records. Okay, here we go. Round one. You ready, Jason?

[Jason]

I am ready.

[Andy]

Fact number one, Winston Churchill once commissioned a parrot to spy on German troops. And return with intel. But the mission was abandoned after the parrot only returned. Whistling military marches nonstop. Okay, man, we did try some weird stuff in the wars, so that could be true. Johnny Cash intercepted and decoded a Soviet communication and became the first person to inform American leaders of the death of Joseph Stalin.

[Jason]

That can't be true.

[Mike]

Johnny Cash, please.

[Andy]

That's the kind of.

[Jason]

That's the kind of.

[Andy]

That's the worrisome.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Andy]

And the third one, Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel, but he declined, saying he lacked, quote, the natural aptitude.

[Jason]

Wow, these are fascinating.

[Mike]

I believe Einstein was.

[Andy]

Are you gonna say Jewish? Because I hope so.

[Mike]

No, no, no. I was gonna say, like, I think he was actually humble about his intellect and of, like, things that he didn't know.

[Andy]

I mean, Israel wasn't around then.

[Mike]

Oh, man, now you're talking world history.

[Jason]

That. I. I don't know, I thought the

[Andy]

40s, 47 or something. The war and Israel reclaimed. So Einstein.

[Mike]

No idea, man.

[Andy]

Einstein would have predated that. Is that a clue?

[Jason]

That feels like a pretty good clue. I will say this also, why promise you that from there, if Israel didn't exist during Einstein's heyday, they did not offer him the presidency.

[Andy]

Right? Yeah.

[Jason]

That's a pretty big clue.

[Andy]

Now, I would love to know how long Einstein lived, because he might have.

[Jason]

Was he offered the first presidency like he was going to be George Washington?

[Andy]

I mean, I feel like he lived past the 40s.

[Jason]

Yeah, I think so.

[Andy]

I'm thinking he was around in the 60s.

[Jason]

Yeah, those were the good decades, let me tell you. That's my favorite.

[Andy]

So he could have. He could have been offered the presidency. The Johnny Cash one sounds ridiculous. I believe the Churchill one.

[Mike]

I do, too.

[Jason]

I kind of do. Even though the problem here is now,

[Andy]

what do we move forward with?

[Jason]

Well, I know mine. Okay, do yours. I cannot possibly. I cannot possibly believe that Johnny Cash was the person to receive and decode the death of Stalin and is the first person to inform American leaders that just. I feel like he's a little bit busy.

[Andy]

It's a stupid lie.

[Jason]

Well, that's fair. That is a stupid lie. Like, how would you come up with that? Why would you decide that if it wasn't true?

[Andy]

Yes, I know.

[Mike]

It's what the song Ring of Fire is about.

[Andy]

Burning ring of fire.

[Jason]

Interesting. I was thinking Great balls of fire. But that's not Johnny Cash.

[Mike]

That's not Johnny Cash.

[Jason]

Great call. I'm going to lock in Johnny Cash because I just. I find it possible I'm Going to lock in.

[Andy]

Albert Einstein wasn't offered the President.

[Mike]

I'm going with the Johnny Cash one. All right.

[Andy]

At least maybe we'll make it through.

[Al]

I'm sorry, who?

[Jason]

What did you.

[Al]

What did you each say? I'm sorry.

[Jason]

So I'm going Johnny Cash. The other two are going, Albert Einstein.

[Mike]

No, I'm Johnny Cash.

[Jason]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Andy]

Mike and Jason are Johnny Cash. I'm Albert Einstein. The lie.

[Jason]

Oh, he's going to play.

[Andy]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Mike]

Is it the Winston?

[Andy]

No, no, no. The Churchill's a lie.

[Al]

The Churchill is a lie.

[Jason]

Come on. There's no way Johnny Cash was. I got to look this up. It is.

[Al]

It is true. Johnny Cash was in the air force assigned to Landsberg, West Germany on a three year tour. He was a wireless operator and he.

[Andy]

At no point.

[Mike]

Johnny Cash.

[Al]

The Johnny Cash.

[Andy]

At no point did I put two and two together. That Johnny Cash wasn't like musician Johnny Cash 100%. I should have thought he had a previous.

[Al]

No, it was the musician.

[Andy]

No, I mean he wasn't actively a musician while he was.

[Al]

I see. Yes.

[Andy]

Like I didn't put together. He's serving. Which makes perfect sense.

[Jason]

It does. But the odds of that are still astronomically small. There's only one person in the history. You're welcome to look it up.

[Andy]

Only one person in the President of the world.

[Al]

Einstein was offered the second presidency of Israel.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Al]

In 1952.

[Andy]

I believe so. They just barely. Wow. They offered the presidency to Einstein in 1952. And he knew better.

[Jason]

He knew better. John Adams. You want to be George Washington, not John Adams. You know what I mean?

[Andy]

He didn't want to be the Atoms of Israel.

[Jason]

You don't want to be the number two.

[Mike]

I mean, I have an article that says. Well, does it sound crazy? Well, it might just be true.

[Jason]

The Johnny Cash.

[Al]

Yeah, I'm looking at the same article. Keep reading it. It states it as fact.

[Jason]

It might be a fact. Okay, but the odds of.

[Mike]

I mean, so burning the Ring of Fire is about the fall of Joey Stalin over there, right?

[Jason]

I don't know, man. But the odds are just astronomical. One person in the history of the world was the first person to inform the American leaders. And it just so happened to be the person who became Johnny Cash.

[Andy]

That's who was at the time Johnny Cash.

[Mike]

That is unbelievable.

[Jason]

Is that his birth name?

[Andy]

That I don't know.

[Mike]

Johnny Cash?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Is that a way that we can write on this question?

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. It wasn't Johnny Cash then.

[Andy]

It's Got to be a stage name, right?

[Mike]

My father's Jonathan Cash.

[Andy]

Major Cash. He was in the army. He was Major Cash.

[Al]

John R. Cash.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jason]

He was a actual Johnny Cash.

[Mike]

That's fine.

[Jason]

Now it's.

[Andy]

Now we just compete against each other.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Al is already 23.

[Jason]

And three.

[Andy]

Round two. Why don't you guys read this one?

[Jason]

All right, round two. Lie number one or truth number one. The inventor of the modern treadmill suffered a fatal heart attack while demonstrating it to investors. Number two, the inventor of the Frisbees ashes were molded into a limited edition batch of flying discs after he died in 2010.

[Andy]

Wait, the 2010?

[Jason]

Okay, I thought the Frisbee was fitting, like, 1720.

[Mike]

Yeah, well, thankfully I didn't just blurt it out. And I thought through it, I'm like, no, the Frisbee was a. Was a pie tin. And then someone figured out we could turn this to a Frisbee. But that's a back to the future joke.

[Jason]

Okay? And then the final truth or lie. The inventor of the Segway died after accidentally riding his Segway off a cliff. So let me just tell you this. One inventor of a cool thing died using it. That is a fact. Because it's either the treadmill or the Segway.

[Andy]

I think the segue one. I think the segue one's 100% true.

[Mike]

Yeah, I didn't want to say it. 100% true.

[Andy]

I think that one's 100% true. I think. I think it's. It's plausible that Mr. Frisbee was so proud of that invention that he might want that done.

[Jason]

I think a lot of things wrong with that, though. I don't know how you mold ashes into something.

[Mike]

Well, you just put some ashes inside of the plastic. That seems pretty easy.

[Jason]

Okay, so you're just. But that's not molding your ashes. I mean, they'll consider it that. But I'm just like, you can't just.

[Mike]

I'm going treadmill is the lie.

[Andy]

I'm going treadmill's the lie.

[Jason]

I'm going to go. I'm going to go Frisbee. Because I still can't believe that the inventor of Frisbee died in 2010.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Al]

The treadmill is the lie. So Mike and Andy got that correct. Jason got that wrong.

[Andy]

Round three. In 2005, a Canadian influencer claimed to do a 21 day ice fast surviving exclusively on artisanal ice cubes.

[Jason]

Not just I can't do regular ice

[Andy]

cubes harvested from glaciers. He sold an Ebook called Freeze yourself thin before eventually admitting he was secretly supplementing with beef jerky.

[Mike]

It's like the Liver King just secretly

[Jason]

supplementing with

[Mike]

anabolic steroids they supplemented with different things.

[Andy]

Fact number two, the background music used in the you wouldn't steal a car anti piracy campaign turned out to be pirated.

[Mike]

Oh, man, that's gotta be true. That has to be true.

[Andy]

That sounds.

[Mike]

Oh, the government.

[Andy]

A man once ate an entire airplane piece by piece after realizing he could digest metal. He received an award from the Guinness Book of World Records. The award was brass and he ate it.

[Jason]

100% true. Now, I don't. Don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm not saying that. I know that that is true. Like sometimes we know. We're like, I've heard this. I'm aware. No idea. That's true. People do weird.

[Mike]

People have eaten weird stuff.

[Jason]

I can't imagine that that's it.

[Mike]

I'm going with the ice is fake.

[Jason]

I'm going to try to go over three and I'm going to go with the background music and you wouldn't. I mean, they're literally making a. Don't piracy. Don't, don't, don't piracy. Because I guess don't pirate.

[Andy]

Piracy.

[Jason]

Yeah. An anti piracy campaign that was pirated. That just, I hope better.

[Mike]

Oh, there's that one. Has to be true.

[Jason]

It feels true. So I'm going to pick it.

[Andy]

What one did you go with? Mike.

[Mike]

I'm going. The lie is the ice.

[Andy]

I'm going to do the background music.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

All right.

[Al]

The lie was the ice.

[Jason]

Mike wins.

[Al]

So Mike.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Al]

Second place.

[Andy]

He's been winning everything lately.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

All right, look, this just happens. There's ineptitude everywhere. And they were like, just grab a song. We got to get this piracy over with.

[Andy]

Grab a song quick.

[Al]

They actually commissioned the guy to make the music for a specific film festival that they could use that one time.

[Guest]

Oh.

[Al]

And then they decided they were gonna keep using it and without his permission

[Mike]

and they thought they bought the whole thing.

[Al]

He bought a DVD and heard his music and sued them.

[Jason]

You wouldn't do this, would you?

[Andy]

You should get a penalty by the judge. Like an extra. Yeah, extra amount of money for irony. Yeah, like an irony. Punitive damages. All right, we will take one more break and come back and draft.

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There's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Andy]

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Mike]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Anyways, get a'@libertymutual.com or with your local agent.

[Jason]

Liberty, Liberty. Liberty.

[Andy]

Liberty.

[Jason]

The Spitballers draft.

[Andy]

We are drafting the worst times for your phone to die. And Mike, you got the number one pick. You have been very staunch that you had a 101.

[Mike]

I proclaimed there was a 101. And there might be some better answers that do eventually come out. But there was the one place I thought of because I was in fact in that place when I was made aware of what the draft is going to be. So I will say in the bathroom.

[Jason]

Yeah. I have it written down as sitting down to poop.

[Mike]

Yeah. Can you imagine? Can you imagine that?

[Andy]

We lived in that world. It was fine.

[Mike]

No, no. In that world, I mean, I guess

[Andy]

they had a magazine.

[Mike]

Yes. There was always something. Or you're like, I guess I'm reading the directions on the scrub and bubbles again.

[Jason]

I remember people used to make jokes about how they'd grab a shampoo bottle.

[Mike]

Exactly.

[Jason]

To sit down and read. They would. You don't want to just sit there and be in the moment with your poop.

[Mike]

No. With your shame.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay, so you're doing the dirty deed. It's disgusting.

[Jason]

Yeah, no, that was my one on one. It was funny because beforehand.

[Mike]

Very dirty deed.

[Jason]

When we were coming up with our list, I was like, oh, there's a one on one. And he's like, what? And Mike's like, yeah, there is.

[Mike]

And we were right there because you can imagine it.

[Andy]

And.

[Mike]

Yeah. I lived that life. I grew up in it. I can't imagine it now.

[Andy]

Right. You're very used to the phone and.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

And the pooping.

[Mike]

Yes. Increasing productivity.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

All right. So the worst time for your phone to die on the pot.

[Jason]

I know my next pick because this is an act of fear that I have had before. And I genuinely don't know what I would do. And so I came close to this once, and it was like, what do I do if my phone dies? Because I'm at, like, 2% and it is right before Ubering from a sketchy downtown spot.

[Mike]

Yeah. I have just ordered an Uber.

[Jason]

Just order. Just order. If you Uber there. If you Uber there and you're not in a great place and your phone dies, okay, we're not in New York City, where it's like, oh, just lift your hand up and grab a cab off the road. There's.

[Andy]

I'm.

[Jason]

I in. In Arizona. If we go anywhere, it's 30 miles away. You know what I mean? If we go downtown from where we live.

[Andy]

I didn't have it, but that's a great one.

[Jason]

Oh, man. I was like, 2% of battery away from that happening once. And I was like, what do I do? I can't call anybody.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I can't. I can't walk home realistically.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

There's no pay phones anymore.

[Andy]

That gives me an idea for another one, by the way. I won't. This one is just an extension of Mike's, so it's not my pick, but I had written down on the toilet when you're out of tp because the phone. The phone is important for calling somebody. And roll in a roll.

[Jason]

Yeah. At least you can scream in that situation.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's true.

[Jason]

That's my normal call.

[Andy]

That does sound like you. All right, so Mike went on the pot. You went right before you get your Uber. So, yeah, that would be a problem. I'm going to go with my first pick here. Intruder in the home.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Someone breaks in, middle of the night, you need to call 91 1. Your phone is dead. Now you're in a horror movie, right? Because in a horror movie that nobody's

[Jason]

phone's ever worked in a horror movie, they're always dead. You pick it up and they say, I'm inside the house.

[Andy]

That's true.

[Jason]

It's equally scary.

[Andy]

Yes. So I will say intruder.

[Mike]

Way scarier when they do it on your cell phone.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

And then the one that popped into my head the most, because we're so dependent on it now. It's funny because my son just learned to drive, and he goes. He drives to this, you know, our church every Sunday night for youth group. And the other day, he goes, I'm going to try to go without directions. Like, this was just, like, a fun activity because he's so used to having directions. So I was going to Say, when you're driving, you need directions.

[Jason]

Sure. Absolutely.

[Andy]

When you need to get someplace, because we're so dependent on it now.

[Jason]

There's no maps anymore.

[Andy]

No. And there's no, like, payphones to go pick up and call somebody, even in a pinch. And you want to get someplace. So I'll say driving in. Need directions.

[Jason]

All right, that's good. I just alluded to it. I'm taking my first overseas trip. Going to be going to Paris here in a little bit. And I think if you are using your phone to translate in a foreign country. Yeah, that is a pretty bad place for my phone to die, because then what do I. I can't talk to you.

[Andy]

Can you speak nine seconds of French? That's enough.

[Jason]

Oui, oui.

[Mike]

Yeah. We could proceed.

[Jason]

My name is Jason. I think that was French.

[Andy]

That is, if you say it like that.

[Jason]

I didn't know you couldn't understand what I was saying.

[Mike]

I heard. I was saying Batman.

[Jason]

Can Batman speak in French?

[Guest]

Speaking French. I'm not from here because of my voice.

[Mike]

All right, all right. I'm on the clock.

[Andy]

You're back on the clock.

[Mike]

All right. I get two picks here. So it's not all the time in my life that I am going to the gym, but when you have. When you are going to the gym and if you did not have your phone, goodness gracious.

[Jason]

You say no tunes.

[Mike]

Exactly. You're going into the gym and you're just like. You're just whatever's on. On the speakers, that's what you're listening to.

[Andy]

Raw dog in the gym.

[Mike]

Exactly. That's what the kids would call it.

[Jason]

It's bad. I will say that. Like, I prefer having AirPods, but there were a handful of times I would go to the gym and I would have forgotten my AirPods, and I'm like, oh, crap. Not as good. But also, I got music on. It's not the end of the world.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's wild.

[Andy]

I bought some gym AirPods because it

[Mike]

was going to leave them at the

[Andy]

gym and I kept forgetting to bring them, so I never got to use them. It's not that bad.

[Jason]

It's not that bad. And here's what you can do.

[Mike]

You guys are crazy. Go to the gym.

[Andy]

People are going to side with you.

[Jason]

Go to the gym and just look at everybody. At least half of them not in

[Mike]

AirPods because they forgot them.

[Jason]

Well, sure, but I'm just saying they all survive.

[Mike]

Well, of course.

[Jason]

This is not this big a problem.

[Mike]

Draft is not places you will die.

[Jason]

If your phone really? Andy's in his house with a break in Robber. All right.

[Andy]

Only bad.

[Mike]

So I'm back up. And then someone said, my name is.

[Guest]

I'm in the house too.

[Mike]

I am going to go with look, because your phone is your phone is your phone. It's your communication. It's your maps, it's your say.

[Andy]

Your phone is your phone.

[Mike]

Yeah, well, all the things that it actually does.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

It's also our camera now.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You go to the kids recital, you're trying to record this thing. I got to have this documented for when they grow up.

[Jason]

Yep. It's on my list. Filming your kids. Big moment.

[Andy]

Yeah. I said once in a lifetime.

[Jason]

And that's. Of course, I know when it dies. You've been filming his game the whole time. And all of a sudden that deep pass comes, your kids running down and the phone goes off. That's a touchdown. Yep. That's a promised touchdown. Did you get that, dad? Did you get that? And you say, sure did.

[Mike]

I'm going to text it to you right now.

[Jason]

It's like that time I recorded someone's wedding without a tape. I think I told that story on here once before, but that is.

[Mike]

But I forgot.

[Andy]

And you faked it.

[Jason]

I faked it. I didn't want to distract them for their. From their wedding. Like they're walking down the aisle. But oh, man, they do not have evidence of that wedding.

[Mike]

I don't remember the end, but I hope you just like, dropped your camera into like, the punch bowl or something like.

[Jason]

Oh, no. What'd you do?

[Mike]

All right, tape is clearly ruined.

[Jason]

I thought you were going here. Mike, your phone is everything. Your phone is your phone. Your phone is your camera. Your phone is also the only access for certain events now.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You can't get into a major sporting event or a major concert with paper. You can't print it out anymore if that. You can't even screenshot if that line's not moving on your phone. You can't get in. So if your phone dies.

[Mike]

Anyone check that?

[Andy]

Yeah, I don't think it works, man.

[Mike]

Have you checked it?

[Jason]

That's a good. I wonder that sometimes.

[Mike]

Are they just telling us that it doesn't work and it works?

[Andy]

Remember if I've tried that or not. I've tried to screen. I've tried to screenshot. I don't think.

[Jason]

Danger of trying. I mean, I guess you could just try it. Take a screenshot and try. And then if you. If you actually have the ticket, then swipe it away and pull up the ticket.

[Andy]

All right, so big event. You can't get in.

[Jason]

You can't get into your big event. I mean, you go all the way down there and now it's like, no, I really have tickets.

[Andy]

It makes sense.

[Jason]

I have.

[Andy]

I have one that's in that vein and I have another one that's more serious because, you know, the draft is

[Jason]

if you die, ways to die with your phone.

[Andy]

So. So I'll go with that one first. Medical emergency. You got a medical emergency, you need to call somebody. You need your phone. You don't got your phone, your phone's dead. You're dead. All right.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

The second one is just as severe. You're trying. You're trying to do some two factor authentication.

[Mike]

Oh, man, you need.

[Andy]

You need to log in, gotta get your passwords. They're trying to text you the code or you're trying to do the little two factor, like Google app, and your phone's not work if your phone's not with you. You're not getting in. You know, it's two factor for every. It ain't one factor. Yeah, it's two factor.

[Mike]

And I can't even remember the one factor.

[Andy]

No, no, you need the app just for.

[Mike]

Tell me what the one factor.

[Andy]

Get your password. It's three factor. Good luck. So, yeah, nowadays. Nowadays we're so dependent. Mmm.

[Jason]

Man, this is. This is tough. This is. There.

[Mike]

I got.

[Jason]

I got a lot of things left on this list. I like them all, but I'm gonna go with this one. It's a new thing that we can do recently over the last couple of years. But you could delete texts now. You know, you text someone and you go, oh, I regret that. Yeah, you can unsend. Unsend the text.

[Mike]

So you can delete them if they still have them.

[Jason]

You can unsend the text where it deletes for you and someone else within a short period of time. So I'm going to say right before deleting a regretted text, you send a text and you're like, oh, I should not have sent you. Oh, text.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

That is, you know, no coming back from that one.

[Mike]

No, no, it's gone.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Mike, you get to wrap us up.

[Mike]

All right. For my last one here. So I got in the bathroom. Clearly the most important. Jim, you need the tunes recording for the video. And I will go, you're on a. You're a job interview on. On the zoo.

[Andy]

Yeah, any work call interview that makes sense that you lose it, you're done. You're not kidding.

[Mike]

And then if it's dead. Then of course you can't get back in touch with anybody.

[Jason]

No job for you.

[Andy]

Okay. No, that's good. So you went with. Yeah. The gym. On the toilet. Filming the moment in the middle of an interview. Jason, the Uber situation. Those have been. What's funny is if any of us. We've all had the low battery, needing the Uber. Have any of us actually run up against the situation and actually run out of battery?

[Mike]

No.

[Andy]

Does Uber have a way of extending your battery just long enough to get the person there?

[Jason]

I don't know, man. And it's not the trip. It's not just an Uber. It's the Uber home. You know what I mean? Like, the way back. Because if it's like you're at home or you're at your hotel and your Uber dies, you know, your phone dies.

[Mike]

When Uber dies, you're in real big trouble.

[Jason]

Well, they are. I'll just get a different Uber.

[Andy]

Wait, the driver. That's what he said in the foreign country. You picked that one. The translator. When you need to get into a big ticketed event and you don't have your phone or right before unsending a regretted text message. Can you really unsend?

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, you can. IPhone to iPhone.

[Andy]

Yeah, we gotta.

[Mike]

The blue bubbles.

[Andy]

We gotta test that.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

No green bubbles.

[Andy]

And then I have the intruder in your home driving. Need directions. Medical emergency or two factor authentication. Do you guys have any other honorable mentions here? I had lost in the woods.

[Jason]

Okay. Probably doesn't work in the woods anyways.

[Andy]

Probably doesn't. Awaiting an important phone call.

[Mike]

Disneyland.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

It is impossible if you don't have a phone call.

[Jason]

The same thing as, like, getting into an event. Everything is on your phone there. Ordering food, getting into rides, getting into the park.

[Andy]

Oh, I. So it does work. But it does say, like, so Papa. Josh just tried to do it. He sent me one. He said, unsending this. It disappeared. And then it says it does send a little, like, josh, unsent this message.

[Jason]

But you can't see the message. I can't see the message, but you

[Mike]

can see that he unsent it.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Okay, well, that's fine. No, I was just telling you I loved you. And then I thought that was too much.

[Mike]

I had a typo, so I wanted to redo it.

[Andy]

Yeah, I thought it only, like, deleted from my side. I didn't know that. Now I can send you some nasty stuff.

[Al]

Yeah, you can't.

[Jason]

Well, watch out. I had stranded on the side of a road. Yeah, that's Almost happened to me once. It's time to pay at the grocery line.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

I have just got the digital wallet.

[Andy]

Oh, no other way to pay.

[Jason]

No other way to pay. And then needing to sell during a stock market crash.

[Andy]

Oh, that's a. Dude.

[Jason]

You should have picked that one. It's like, oh, no.

[Mike]

Oh, no.

[Jason]

I gotta sell. I gotta get out. Everything's crashing big.

[Mike]

We've all been there.

[Jason]

Such a good.

[Mike]

The market's taking. And I gotta say, sell my stuff.

[Andy]

You gotta call your guy.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Not log into Robin Hood, right? No, that's. That one. That one's really a little.

[Jason]

No coming back from that. What did we learn today? I learned today that falling is our greatest enemy.

[Andy]

As.

[Jason]

As we age, we will die from falls.

[Andy]

I learned that Josh thinks nine seconds of knowledge of something is enough to be an expert.

[Mike]

Johnny Cash.

[Andy]

Oh, my.

[Mike]

Apparently, in the military, doing real good work.

[Jason]

That's not a stage name.

[Andy]

Wait, so if he lied, Stalin could still be alive. So we're saying it's all up to him.

[Jason]

John R. Cash.

[Andy]

Wow.

[Mike]

Thanks for tuning in, everybody. See you next time. Goodbye.

[Jason]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com. And Doug.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

There's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Andy]

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. Bird? What is this, your first date?

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Mike]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Jason]

Liberty. Liberty.

[Andy]

Liberty. Liberty.