Internet Intruders & Best Mustaches - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Podcast Summary: Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Internet Intruders & Best Mustaches - Spit Hits!

Hosts: Andy, Mike Wright, Jason
Release Date: April 23, 2026
Episode #: 297

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Episode Overview

This episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast is a classic blend of the trio's signature clean, family-friendly humor, random life advice, and absurd discussion topics. Standout segments include "Would You Rather" scenarios, neighbor etiquette with internet moochers, and a hilarious, heavily debated draft of the world's best mustaches—iconic to fictional. Throughout, the hosts riff on personal quirks, neighborly challenges, and the pitfalls of generosity, all while keeping the banter light and the audience laughing.

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Key Discussion Segments

1. Would You Rather: Ramsay Showdown & Squirmy Situations

[03:21 - 17:20]

• Ramsay vs. Ramsey Dilemma:

  • Would you rather have every meal critiqued by Gordon Ramsay, or every financial decision judged by Dave Ramsey?
  • Andy probes for clarity—are we judged for eating or just for cooking?
  • Mike confesses to poor spending habits but also generosity:

    “You are loose with money...but you’re very generous. So I feel like ‘loose’ is the best term.” – Andy [06:12]

  • Jason (indifferent to both celebrities) jokes about “the Ramsey that held Reek captive,” referencing Game of Thrones, sparking debate on deep-cut pop culture references.
  • The hosts agree they’d rather endure Gordon Ramsay’s culinary critiques than Dave Ramsey’s financial chastisement.

• Uncomfortable Help: Contacts vs. Teeth

  • Would you rather let someone else take out your contacts or pick food out of your teeth?
  • General consensus: fingers in their mouth are less disturbing than fingers in the eye, unless dirty fingernails are involved.
  • Mike reveals his self-diagnosed “Big Baby Syndrome,” stating he can’t handle eye stuff at all:

    "I have what's known as Big Baby syndrome...I can't be touched in certain places that are sensitive to your face. Like my eyes.” – Mike [12:03]

• Pantry vs. Fridge For Life

  • Would you rather only eat foods stored in the pantry or the fridge/freezer?
  • Group decisively chooses fridge/freezer for fresher, healthier options.
  • Discussion meanders to grocery store design and why the “healthy stuff” is on the store’s perimeter:

    “Is it just because the outlets are on the outside of the store...so it’s easier to plug in all the fridges?” – Andy [18:09]

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2. Life Advice: Neighborly Nightmares & Accidental Generosity

[21:39 - 41:36]

• Nervous Neighbor & The Mighty Tree

  • Listener Jack has a large tree worrying his neighbor, who even offers to pay for removal.
  • The trio debates property lines, insurance liabilities, and regional tree etiquette, ultimately siding with keeping the tree unless it poses a real risk:

    “Who doesn’t like trees out here? We are very pro trees...so few of them are really, really mighty.” – Andy [25:19]

  • Josh, former insurance worker (“Papa Josh”), clarifies liability:

    “If a tree falls over, that’s considered an act of God.” – Jason/Josh [24:18–24:26]

• WI-FI Mooching and Avoiding Confrontation

  • Mike from Patreon’s neighbor keeps asking for the new WI-FI password, months after their own connection allegedly went “temporarily down.”
  • Mike's solution: lie and say his own internet is also down. Andy suggests being honest but Mike is all about conflict avoidance:

    “I’m changing my WI-FI password again, and when they ask for it, I’m saying, ‘My Internet’s down. Is yours down? Mine too. Crazy.’” – Mike [28:51]

  • Jason references a viral video where a neighbor demanded password-free access:

    “The neighbor comes in to demand that they take their password off, and they’re like, ‘What? No, this is my WI-FI.’” – Jason [33:49]

• HOA Rebellion: Mike’s Chicken Coup

  • Mike admits to rule-breaking in his new neighborhood by building a chicken run despite HOA bans:

    “I, Mike Wright, am gonna wave my finger against the HOA and I’ll take what comes.” – Mike [33:19]

• Generosity Gaffe: Accidental $400 Donation

  • Listener sent $400 (instead of $40) to a friend whose house burned down, triggering debate about whether to ask for the money back.
  • Hosts unanimously say: let it go—you can’t ask back after a heartfelt thank-you.

    “You can’t gift someone in a catastrophe money, have their heartfelt response, and be like, ‘Actually, bro, that is your...I need that back.’” – Mike [36:19]

  • They debate how little is “insultingly little” to send in tough times:

    “I think there is definitely too small an amount where it is an insult...and then karma got you.” – Jason [40:13]

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3. Spitballers Draft: Best Mustaches

[42:37 - 58:39]

• Draft Format:

  • Each host drafts four “best” mustaches—real, fictional, historical, or comedic.

• Notable Picks and Banter:

  • First Overall: Tom Selleck (Jason)
    “That's the vanilla ice cream of the pick.” – Andy [43:35]
  • Controversial Choices:
    • Mike selects Ron Swanson, Borat, Ron Burgundy, and Ted Lasso (modern/comedic theme).
    • Andy highlights icons: Super Mario, Sam Elliott, Albert Einstein, Teddy Roosevelt.
    • Jason snags classics: Selleck, Groucho Marx (debate if real or fake), Burt Reynolds, and closes with the Lorax (Dr. Seuss character with an epic stache).

• Debate Over What “Counts” as Iconic:

  • Squabbles erupt over generational picks—are they still famous, or “expired”? Should fictional mustaches count?
  • Andy describes Sam Elliott as:

    “That is the best phrase ever: ‘He is mustache.’” [47:05]

  • Mike champions the “comedic mustache squad,” noting:

    “When I’m assembling an iconic comedic team of mustaches, Ted Lasso’s got to be there, baby.” [54:26]

• Honorable Mentions/Undrafted:

  • Hulk Hogan, Steve Harvey, the Pringles guy, Monopoly Man, Ned Flanders, Wyatt Earp, Mark Twain, Charlie Chaplin, Freddie Mercury.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I have what's known as Big Baby syndrome...I can't be touched in certain places that are sensitive to your face. Like my eyes.” – Mike [12:03]
• “If you put a mustache on a piece of paper... is there anyone else that could…?” – Mike, arguing for Hulk Hogan’s mustache [56:14]
• “You can’t gift someone in a catastrophe money, have their heartfelt response, and be like, ‘Actually, bro, I need that back.’” – Mike [36:19]
• “That is the best phrase ever: ‘He is mustache.’” – Andy (on Sam Elliott) [47:05]
• “I, Mike Wright, am gonna wave my finger against the HOA and I’ll take what comes.” – Mike [33:19]
• “Who doesn’t like trees out here? We are very pro trees…” – Andy [25:19]

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Time-stamped Segment Guide

| Time | Segment | Key Content | |---------|------------------------------------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:21 | Would You Rather | Gordon Ramsay vs. Dave Ramsey; financial shame; culinary critiques | | 10:36 | Would You Rather (Contacts v. Teeth) | Squeamishness about others touching eyes/mouth, “Big Baby Syndrome” | | 16:22 | Pantry vs. Fridge Draft | Food preferences, grocery store design banter | | 21:39 | Life Advice: The Mighty Tree | Neighbors, property lines, insurance, tree ethics | | 27:55 | Life Advice: WIFI Moocher | Neighbor boundaries, lying to avoid confrontation, viral video refs | | 32:17 | Life Advice: HOA Chicken Coup | Defying neighborhood rules for fresh eggs | | 35:17 | Life Advice: Accidental Generosity | Venmo mistake, when to ask for money back, how much is “enough” | | 42:37 | Spitballers Mustache Draft | Iconic, comedic, and fictional mustaches—debates and surprises | | 58:07 | Honorable Mustache Mentions/Goodbyes | Unpicked legends, wrap-up |

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Takeaway Highlights

• The trio’s advice is as much about what not to do as it is about what to do (e.g., don’t expect your neighbor to supply free internet, don’t ask for your accidental disaster relief money back).
• Deep-cut references and personal quirks make the life advice segments uniquely funny—whether it’s “Big Baby syndrome” or Mike's willingness to fund neighborly indulgences just to evade discomfort.
• The mustache draft swings from classic icons like Selleck and Elliott to pop-culture favorites (Mario, Ron Burgundy) and pure comedy (Borat, the Lorax), with much bickering over what “counts” as the greatest mustache of all time.

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Final Thoughts

This episode exemplifies what loyal listeners love about Spitballers: offbeat debates, relatable life situations, and a cast of hosts unafraid to bare their quirks and roast each other. Whether you care about mustaches or not, the comedic chemistry and running gags keep the episode engaging—perfect for fans of friendly nonsense and those seeking a laugh-filled, family-friendly podcast.

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Links & Further Info

• Visit spitballerspod.com for more episodes and to become an official “Spitwad.”
• Want to join the debate? Suggest your favorite mustaches or submit your own life advice questions for future episodes!

Transcript

[Mike Wright]

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[Andy]

And just when you think it couldn't

[Mike Wright]

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[Jason]

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[Mike Wright]

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[Jason]

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[Mike Wright]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Jason]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Mike Wright]

Did you make yourself laugh at the end?

[Andy]

I was gonna say you can't bail out at the end and laugh at yourself.

[Mike Wright]

I don't know, man. I think that's a nice. A nice exit strategy.

[Andy]

There's a whole nother blop to drop. No, no, but you stop.

[Jason]

There definitely was nothing left there.

[Andy]

Welcome into The Spitballers. Episode 2, 297. That is a lot of episodes. At least 200 too many really. Some are saying, would you rather life advice? And we are drafting the best mustaches on today's show.

[Mike Wright]

Iconic favorite, funny, whatever you, whatever you would just.

[Andy]

Could be characters, could be actors, could be actresses.

[Mike Wright]

Sure.

[Andy]

I mean, we do not put a mustache in a box.

[Mike Wright]

Can it be milk?

[Jason]

A milk mustache?

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Not now that you didn't break it out during the draft. That would have been the kind of Jason pick that you try to sneak into a draft. But no, no, I'm sorry.

[Mike Wright]

Okay.

[Andy]

We Draw the line at milk mustaches. Spitballerspod.com is the website. Al Borland in the house. I'll say hello to everybody.

[Mike Wright]

What's up, Spitwads?

[Andy]

There you go. He's here. Proof. We are going to kick things off.

[Jason]

Were people concerned?

[Andy]

I don't know.

[Jason]

Did his parents think that he was taken hostage?

[Mike Wright]

They were demanding proof of life, and they got it.

[Andy]

Yeah, he's still here.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

Haven't paid him in years, but he's still doing the job. Would you rather Raj from Patreon, would you rather have everything you eat be critiqued by Gordon Ramsay? I already have a question about this one. Or every financial decision you make be critiqued by Dave Ramsey.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, brother.

[Andy]

Now, can I. Can I get some clarity here? Because I don't feel like, is this everything I eat or everything I cook? Because if I'm just eating something, I don't care if Gordon Ramsay critiques it.

[Mike Wright]

Right. I might want to know, am I supposed to.

[Andy]

Like, that almost seems like a benefit.

[Mike Wright]

Right.

[Andy]

As opposed to if I'm preparing it, then I feel like I am the small baby that is getting made fun of.

[Jason]

But. But there is the French fries again, huh?

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, would he do that?

[Mike Wright]

Oh, for sure.

[Andy]

He would do some dietary shame if

[Jason]

he saw the amount of French fries I eat.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, he does.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Andy]

He really, like.

[Mike Wright]

If he's gonna criticize everything you eat or critique.

[Andy]

Okay, so he's over your shoulder, and

[Mike Wright]

he's just literally, like, he's watching your choices.

[Andy]

He would probably. He would definitely criticize me for, like, if I take something off of the way the chef wants it prepared at a restaurant. You know that Chef guilt when I'm

[Jason]

like, no tomatoes, please.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're going to want the tomatoes on there.

[Jason]

No, they give you.

[Mike Wright]

No, I'm saying Gordon Ramsay would be like, you know, you don't take that off. That's. That gives you the acidity that blah, blah, blah, whatever.

[Andy]

Okay, so. And then all the financial decisions being criticized by Dave Ramsey. I mean, you're not going to be in a position where you can. You're not taking a credit card out, you're not taking a loan out, you're not taking. You're not borrowing money.

[Jason]

I'm not. I'm not very in on Dave Ramsey. I just see him tell. Yeah, I know the credit card thing. He says, absolutely no credit card.

[Andy]

Yeah. No debt at all. No debt of any kind other than your mortgage.

[Jason]

Yeah. And then.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I feel like you're going to be shamed I buy so much stupid credit.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, man. There's no way. There's no way I could deal with Dave Ramsey with my poor spending habits. I mean, like.

[Andy]

No, you have poor spending habits.

[Mike Wright]

I do, Yes. I have very poor spending habits.

[Andy]

I don't feel like that is something I.

[Mike Wright]

You're unaware of this.

[Andy]

Yeah, I feel like maybe long ago I thought you did. Have you reestablished a new pattern of old habits?

[Mike Wright]

I think I just. Well, I mean, you know, you guys accuse me of being bougie.

[Jason]

Yeah, we don't accuse you. We just.

[Andy]

I tell you.

[Jason]

We tell you what you are to your face.

[Andy]

You are. And I say this in the nicest possible way. You are loose with money.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And that has.

[Jason]

Can't take it with you, brother.

[Andy]

It works both ways. It works with the funny ways where we joke that you're bougie and you get things that are dumb. But it also works with, like, you're very generous. You have supported and given money to people. And you're not, like, you could be like, super tight wad on that side, too. Like, you can only spend money on wild and crazy things, but they never give it away. So I feel like loose is the best term.

[Mike Wright]

Yes. I have an open. I have an open hand on my money.

[Andy]

And the stores can take it or the people that around you.

[Mike Wright]

But, like, for example, when I'm trying to find out what the best pot and pan set is.

[Andy]

Right.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike Wright]

I know which one is the best.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike Wright]

It's the most expensive one. You think you do.

[Andy]

You think it's the most.

[Mike Wright]

I mean, why would it cost more if it's not the best?

[Jason]

That's good science.

[Andy]

I hope Dave Ramsey would not be. That would not be a good combo because at a minimum, Dave Ramsey wants you to have a plan for your money. That would be the best. That would be the best summary of it is. All right. Do you got a plan?

[Mike Wright]

Nope.

[Andy]

But Gordon Ramsay, like, you're cooking a lot now. You're neutral, boy.

[Mike Wright]

Like, you would love Gordon. Gordon Ramsay critiquing my. I want to get.

[Andy]

You could handle the. Even if it's vicious.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

See, I.

[Jason]

He's a fucking idiot sandwich.

[Mike Wright]

I secretly think only if I am one.

[Andy]

Gordon Ramsay's awesome.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, I openly think Gordon Ramsay is awesome.

[Jason]

I haven't watched either of these.

[Andy]

So you're not a Ramsay guy in any way? Any Ramsay? Mike doesn't know about him?

[Jason]

No, I know about the Ramsey who held Reek captive.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[Jason]

What are you going to Give me a bad joke. That was a sick reference, bro.

[Mike Wright]

Pretty good.

[Andy]

Not that good.

[Mike Wright]

That's pretty good.

[Andy]

Nobody knows what we're talking about still.

[Mike Wright]

Is it Bolton, Al?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Al. What's that about?

[Jason]

Well, Al doesn't know. I have no idea. Owl doesn't know because he's never Papa Josh.

[Andy]

What's that about?

[Jason]

I wasn't listening.

[Mike Wright]

He hasn't watched the show either. That's not fair.

[Andy]

So if some of the audience hasn't watched the show, what kind of reference is that?

[Mike Wright]

That's all of the references. Every pop culture reference in the history of references. If someone hasn't seen it, you can't go deep.

[Andy]

Deep character on a show that was over five years ago. That is deep.

[Mike Wright]

What?

[Andy]

Yeah. If you don't show up on Game

[Jason]

of Thrones, Khaleesi could go.

[Mike Wright]

I'm not talking about Khaleesi.

[Andy]

Game of yes, you could go, Khaleesi.

[Mike Wright]

You're just saying.

[Andy]

I'm saying the character on the show is a deep reference, man. I'm saying, like, if I just reference, like, a side character on an old Everybody Loves Raymond episode, it doesn't count.

[Mike Wright]

Dude, there's no one else.

[Jason]

Not a side character. He was the most hated character on the show by the end.

[Andy]

If you list them in importance, he doesn't make the first page.

[Mike Wright]

Okay. Wow. No, no, no. I'll even agree with that. But what I disagree with, and adamantly and emotionally, is that every single person out there that watched Game of Thrones, when you hear the reference of Ramsey to Reek. So now you're actually referencing two characters. No one out there didn't get it. Let me ask you, Andy, did you understand the reference?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike Wright]

Of course you did, because you've seen Game of Thrones.

[Andy]

Yeah, I just. I'm not a big fan of if you're driving. I'm not a fan of the creative.

[Mike Wright]

If you're driving in your car, you're listening, and you did not understand the reference, raise both hands up right now. And I'm sure the roads are safe right now because put them out the car window. No one is doing that.

[Andy]

All right, let's take you. I would rather have every financial decision critiqued by Dave Ramsey because I am very like, I have a plan.

[Mike Wright]

You're very organized, and I want that. I would want that, and I want Ramsey teaching and berating at my. Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

What do you need more help with, Mike?

[Mike Wright]

Oh, that's a good question.

[Andy]

Food or money?

[Mike Wright]

Food.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. You've always been Pretty good at. Like, you save where you should. You two guys are way more responsible than I am.

[Andy]

How. Do you need some money? Are you. Do you need some help?

[Jason]

I need money, too.

[Andy]

Stacy from the website, would you rather have to let somebody else take your contacts out for you? I don't think Jason could do that for himself.

[Mike Wright]

I would have to have someone else do it for me.

[Andy]

Or pick food out of your teeth for you. I mean, the idea of somebody putting their fingers in my eyes or my mouth, Are they at least using a

[Jason]

toothpick or are they not on the eyes?

[Mike Wright]

They're using their fingernail to get it out of your teeth.

[Jason]

Oh. Oh, they can just take my contacts out. That's fine.

[Andy]

Male or female?

[Mike Wright]

Does that make the difference for you?

[Andy]

It does.

[Jason]

Well, big.

[Andy]

Because big nails.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I feel like the nail, the longer it is, the more it removes their finger from my mouth.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, that's true.

[Andy]

Like the nails. An instrument you could use also.

[Jason]

Yeah. You don't want my nubby nails. No, I mean, I will be. I'll be two knuckles deep in that mouth.

[Mike Wright]

Not only that. Not only that, but the issue is how many tries is this gonna take?

[Jason]

Infinite.

[Mike Wright]

Like 30 minutes digging around. No, you. That's. That's a good reference. I mean, I. You need. I want like acrylic.

[Andy]

Ironically, it's the opposite situation for the eyes in the contacts. I do not want those nails.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Going in for the contacts.

[Mike Wright]

Okay. I agree. I don't really want anyone.

[Jason]

Did you ever contact?

[Mike Wright]

Oh, I could. I could. Could not do contacts. So I have what's known as Big Baby syndrome.

[Andy]

And it's bbs.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. If you haven't heard of it.

[Jason]

Self diagnosed.

[Mike Wright]

It's diagnosed by many people.

[Andy]

Friends and family.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. Doctors, nurses, dental.

[Andy]

I guess that's true. Anybody that knows you?

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, anybody that's ever tried to do something for me. Makeup artists, anything. They know I've got bbs because I can't be touched in certain places that are sensitive to your face. Like my eyes. Like a needle, my face needles in. Like my arm.

[Andy]

IVs.

[Mike Wright]

IV. Oh, my gosh. I can't take an IV and so I can't even do this myself.

[Andy]

You've never worn contacts?

[Mike Wright]

No, I've never worn contacts. I genuinely don't know if I actually could get contacts. If you said, here is $100,000. Put these contacts in. You have 10 minutes. Oh, I'm going to try. I am absolutely going for that money. I'm going hard after that money. I'm going to you know, psych myself up. I could do this. Everybody does this. Children have done this. And I would get that thing. I'd put whatever. I don't know. Not lotion solution.

[Jason]

I wouldn't go, lotion covers a contact

[Mike Wright]

with lotion, jams in his eye, burns, give me my money. But I don't know if I could get it. I don't know if I could get the contact lens in.

[Andy]

You did contacts mic for a little bit, yeah. I mean, so before Lasik, right?

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, before I did. After I lost it. Have I told this story that I lost a contact in my eye?

[Andy]

Oh, you lost it in the eye

[Mike Wright]

to the back of the eye?

[Jason]

No, no, no, no. So you just couldn't find it? See through turn. I mean, I'm younger. I'm like, maybe sixth grade or so. I mean, this is elementary school. And I got glasses in, I think the third grade or so. And eventually. Oh, let's try out the contacts. And one day I am going to take them out, and I just.

[Mike Wright]

I.

[Jason]

It's the pinch. I pinch the crap out of my eye.

[Mike Wright]

And you can pinch.

[Jason]

Oh, you can pinch your eye.

[Andy]

I'm gonna be honest with you. I wore contacts for, like, 10 years. I never pinched my eye. That sounds. Sounds like a guy. Maybe not every guy who can't control

[Mike Wright]

his hands pinch a sphere.

[Jason]

You could just say it. You.

[Andy]

These were the biggest contacts you've ever seen.

[Jason]

Maybe not everyone has done it, but I definitely.

[Andy]

So you pinched your eye?

[Jason]

My eyeball. And it hurt extremely bad. And then I couldn't find the contact. I assume it just had fallen out. And it was whatever. They're disposable. And time goes on. And, I mean, probably from pinching my eyeball, I'm like, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not gonna put the contacts in. And then, strangely, one of my eyes could see better.

[Mike Wright]

No, Mike, you idiot.

[Jason]

Jared.

[Mike Wright]

And maybe I pinched my eyeball into working.

[Jason]

I didn't think about that. I didn't even.

[Andy]

That's funny.

[Jason]

I didn't even connect them. But I legitimately was like, why I can see out of my eye. And this went on for days.

[Andy]

So you just slept with it?

[Jason]

Yeah, for multiple. I didn't know it was there. And multiple days went by where you could see.

[Mike Wright]

Didn't give it away.

[Jason]

That's good. And then eventually it was like, oh, probably a really good eye rub. And then boink. Oh, my God. Contact pops out.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, my God, I've lost my vision. Come on, blind again. Oh, that Is a good story, but

[Jason]

for a moment, I thought my eye had regenerated.

[Andy]

Aren't the consequences of, like, dirty. Oh, they're like, if you. If you had somebody. Let's just change the question for a split second. Like, what's your answer right away?

[Mike Wright]

My answer right away is I would. I would rather them do my teeth.

[Andy]

I'm. I would say teeth. But if you said, would you let somebody with the dirty finger put your contacts in for you or do your teeth? What would you do?

[Jason]

Still contacts.

[Mike Wright]

I feel like I might switch to contacts.

[Andy]

See, I feel like dirty finger in the mouth, dirty eye. That sounds the worst to me. So that's my vote.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. I mean, if you get, I don't know, eye infection. Well, I don't want either of these. I don't want anybody with their fingers in my eyes or mouth.

[Jason]

I guess you're more likely to get an infection.

[Andy]

That's what it feels like. But I guess it depends where the fingers were.

[Jason]

It's gross.

[Andy]

All right, Fitz, from page one.

[Jason]

Chainsaw.

[Andy]

Would you rather have the only foods in your house be foods that are typically stored in the pantry or foods that are typically stored in the fridge or freezer?

[Mike Wright]

This is a legit question.

[Jason]

What do you say, Chef?

[Mike Wright]

It's got to be the fridge.

[Jason]

Freezer has to be, because that's the fresh stuff.

[Andy]

Now, do we. Do you get the benefit of being able to microwave an oven, or is it just.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, you can.

[Andy]

You don't have to, like, wait for bread to defrost.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, you can. I mean, if you choose the pantry, you can. You have a bowl to put your cereal in. I mean, you can make the food.

[Andy]

It's just the food choices that belong in those two places.

[Mike Wright]

It's just. Would. If you choose the fridge or freezer, you can't have anything that is basically room temperature package whatever's in your pantry or vice versa. So what would happen?

[Andy]

I mean, if you just kept all your cereal in the fridge, that'd be fine.

[Jason]

Cereal, you'd be fine.

[Mike Wright]

That's a loophole. But no one puts their. Yeah, the question says foods that are typically stored in the pantry. So you can't just.

[Andy]

This was a thought experiment, Al. This is not. I'm not trying to change the question. I was just thinking, like, of the things in my pantry that I could put in the fridge and be fine. That would be one of them.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. Canned spaghettios.

[Andy]

Love them cold, you know, so the truth is.

[Mike Wright]

So you know how.

[Andy]

Like, what are you going to do more now?

[Mike Wright]

Definitely the fridge or freezer. Right. Now, it's one of those things where this would be an amazing health benefit. Right. Like they say, when you go to your grocery store, you're supposed to basically shop around the outside ring and never go into the middle aisles. Right. Like that's.

[Jason]

Who is they just.

[Mike Wright]

Just health whatever.

[Andy]

But that's on the basis that fresh stuff's on the outside, processed stuff's on the inside.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. Like produce, meat, cheeses, the actual bakery or whatever. Like, that's all on the outside. And then inside is all the boxed, canned, packaged.

[Jason]

Where the potato chips.

[Andy]

Is that just because the out. Is that just because the outlets are on the outside of the store so it's easier to plug on all the. The fridges.

[Jason]

No floor outlets allowed.

[Mike Wright]

I feel like Andy might actually be right.

[Jason]

Except for the freezer section, there's aisles.

[Andy]

I mean, we can overcome this. But it did seem funny at first.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. But if you trace it back, maybe

[Andy]

if you trace it all the way back, that was easier.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. I'll bet that is where it came from.

[Andy]

I hope the next time you go into a store with freezes in the middle, we see you look and there's

[Mike Wright]

like extension cords everywhere, just running up the ceiling so that they.

[Andy]

Straight up or.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Did the first person ever who did a floor outlet, were people really impressed by this?

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

Or was it like a. Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

[Mike Wright]

But is. I don't think they were impressed because to be truly pulling this off, the person that made a floor outlet knows what they're doing. They invented it. And that thing is hidden. No one knows. So I think maybe. Maybe they're impressed with their. With their inquisitiveness. Like, how is this working? Is this. Is this on a battery?

[Jason]

I see what you mean.

[Andy]

Fridge, freezer, final answer.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. I mean, this would be great to get rid of all the processed stuff that I love so much.

[Andy]

Al, do we have time for another, or do we want to move on?

[Mike Wright]

Let's move on.

[Andy]

All right, we'll take a break and jump into some life advice.

[Mike Wright]

Aruba loves you. Seriously. Like, the entire island. You don't believe me, then visit it and you'll see. The beaches will soothe you with warming love. The water will heal you with cleansing love. The food will fill you with delicious, delicious food. Love. And the people, well, they offer the warmest love of all. That's a lot of love. Hope you like feeling incredible basically the entire time you're there. Just be sure to return the favor. So go ahead and meet Aruba and then love Aruba. Plan your trip [e-mail] what's going on, everybody?

[Andy]

I have a busy life. We have three kids. They are always all over the place, and it is hard to find time to cook a healthy meal instead of just clicking that button and getting some nasty delivered to your house. And we've all had long days when that hunger kicks in and we want that healthy meal. And, well, it's not in the fridge. And that's where Factor comes in. We were using Factor our family since before they were even a sponsor of the show. We're talking fully prepared meals that my son steals most of, designed by dietitians, crafted by chefs, delivered to your door. We've been subscribed for years now. They are fresh, never frozen. They go right into our refrigerator. Tons of great variety. We grab them. It's two minutes per meal and stuff that we actually enjoy that tastes great. There are more than 100 options every single week. We've got, like, I'm on a protein meal plan. I can order protein meals that I absolutely love, and we've been doing that for a long time. Head to FactorMeals.com Ballers50OFF and use the code Ballers50OFF to get 50% off and free daily greens per box with new subscription only while supplies last until September 27, 2026. See website for more details.

[Mike Wright]

Spitballers to the rescue.

[Andy]

All right, ready to dish up some life advice? Jack submitted this question on the website. I have a large and mighty tree in my backyard. Very close to the fence.

[Jason]

Large and mighty.

[Andy]

Very close to the fence that separates me and my neighbor's yard. My neighbor, while very kind, is nervous that one day the tree could fall on her house.

[Jason]

But it's large and mighty.

[Andy]

Every time I see her, she asks if I've thought about getting it cut down.

[Mike Wright]

What?

[Andy]

And even offered to pay for the cost of removal. I have no fear of the tree falling, and I feel like she is being overly paranoid. Am I being selfish, or should I just let her pay for the removal and be done with it?

[Mike Wright]

No, you should not let her remove this tree.

[Andy]

I do. I agree that this is an awkward question when you have a property line discussion, because that's always interesting when it comes to trees. Now, I have had houses where I have benefited greatly from the shade of neighboring trees and desperately hoped that they wouldn't get rid of them. In fact, at one point in time, it looked like Mike and I were going to be neighbors and he purchased the lot next to mine, which Contained a tall and mighty tree.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

That also shaded my pool from about 3 o' clock in the afternoon through the end of the day. And my greatest fear was that for some reason the tall and mighty tree would be removed.

[Jason]

No way, man. Trees are awesome.

[Andy]

Trees are awesome. Now, if this is really, really big and really, really tall and really, really close to this person's house, you can't see any scenario where you're not scared.

[Mike Wright]

No, I'm not. I'm not, no.

[Andy]

Like a normal person, though.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. I could see where people are scared.

[Jason]

I don't at all. People have trees in their yard all the time.

[Andy]

But there are really tall, big trees that do fall down. Like, and if it was right on your property line, it would be a threat to you.

[Jason]

I got a. I have a quick insurance question.

[Andy]

Of course, to get big and tall and mighty, you have quick insurance. You have to have not fallen down for a long time.

[Jason]

That's why it's silly. Okay, go to the douche's alley. Papa Josh was once in a. He was in insurance. I couldn't remember how to say it. He was in insurance.

[Mike Wright]

Insurance is a hard word.

[Jason]

If my tree falls on your yard and hurts your house, who's liable?

[Andy]

You are.

[Jason]

Nobody.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, baby.

[Jason]

That tree's not going nowhere.

[Mike Wright]

The only way that you're liable is

[Andy]

if your tree was dead and you knew it and you did not do

[Mike Wright]

anything to mitigate it being dead and falling. But if a tree falls over, that's considered an act of God.

[Andy]

And if that's. So that means that your homeowner's insurance would cover your property damage from the act of God.

[Jason]

Correct.

[Andy]

Very good advice from Josh. Very, very astute.

[Jason]

So just make sure there's always a note from the tree that says, I am definitely alive out front at all times. No way. What? Get out of here. I cut my tree down.

[Mike Wright]

The only reason I would ever consider.

[Jason]

What if it had dropped your tree down?

[Andy]

Sorry, go ahead.

[Mike Wright]

The only reason I would ever consider it is if, you know, it says it's next to the property line. If my tree is like growing over and into their property, I'd have a little bit of guilt there. If they had a problem with it or, you know, if they got a pool and my tree is the. Is the reason that their pool is just uncleanable all the time, that would be guilt. Where I would like, maybe consider it. But. But I like trees.

[Andy]

Who doesn't like trees out here? We are very pro trees because so few of them have really. They're not mighty and strong. They don't, they don't really get it done. There are a lot of places where it's like there are too many trees. There are, you know, weather like snow. It's like if snow lands on trees that, you know, dead branches and stuff is really dangerous. If this tree had. Here's the problem for Jack, the problem is she's now raised it, which means if it does fall, it is no longer neutral. It's like she's got an I told you so and a lot of anger towards you.

[Mike Wright]

I've got good news for Jack. Your tree ain't falling. You're fine. Like, your tree's not going to fall, so you don't even have to have guilt.

[Andy]

What if a branch falls down previously and has landed in their yard?

[Mike Wright]

I would say I would cut that down. I did that.

[Jason]

I'm okay. I get that. Like the question of if the tree is over the fence line and it's, it's invading pool or even just making a yard, it's a problem for your yard. Go ahead. You can cut that part down. I think that that's like on their side. If your tree's in my yard, I think I, I can cut it.

[Andy]

I think I did some research on this at one point in time.

[Jason]

That's fine. And if my tree is going into your. Your yard and you want to cut it, what's in your yard?

[Andy]

Go ahead. The fruit of the tree, if it's a fruit bearing tree, becomes your possession if it's over the property line.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, whatever is basically a vertical line, at least here in Arizona of the. You could just trim the whole side of it straight up.

[Andy]

But that could make them mad too.

[Mike Wright]

Well, they would be the one trimming it.

[Andy]

No, I'm saying that could make the owner of the tree.

[Mike Wright]

They are the owner of that part of the tree. I mean, by rule that could make a mad. And then you'd be like, you should have cut it down.

[Andy]

Yeah. But you can't poison your part of the tree to go over and hurt. This was literally just an. Is this real life that just happened? There's this like, well to do community in the upper Northeast where this woman like poisoned hundreds of trees on somebody's property because she wanted, she wanted to be able to see the shoreline from her property. And she had offered to get the neighbor to cut down trees and they didn't want to, so she poisoned them all.

[Jason]

Are you telling me that trees, they're trees. Trees are allergic to poison.

[Andy]

You got it.

[Mike Wright]

That's Incredible.

[Andy]

Yeah, A bunch of oak trees.

[Mike Wright]

So did she enjoy her view?

[Andy]

It's a great view now.

[Jason]

From jail.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, exactly.

[Andy]

Mike from Patreon. My neighbor keeps borrowing my WI FI password because their Internet is, quote, temporarily down after the first time they asked. I changed the password a couple days later. Then they came back over and asked for the new password. It's been three months, and I'm starting to feel like they're unpaid ISP or that they didn't pay their Internet service provider. They seem to be taxing the bandwidth pretty hard, and I'm stuck buffering all my shows. How can I tactfully cut them off without making it awkward?

[Jason]

That's tough. I get you don't want to have the confrontation of it, but this is. I mean, this is completely unacceptable.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, this is an easy answer, man. Because I hate confrontation of the neighbor. What?

[Andy]

Okay, you have your anti confrontation method. Are you signing up for second service?

[Mike Wright]

No, because this is gonna go back

[Andy]

to that Dave Ramsey thing.

[Mike Wright]

I'm changing my WI FI password again, and when they ask for it, I'm saying, my Internet's down. Is yours down, mine too? Crazy.

[Andy]

So lying is your answer?

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Okay, wait.

[Andy]

Got it. I think you probably shouldn't. Shouldn't have changed the password just a couple days later. I think that was your first mistake. You should have let that ride for a little bit. That should have been like a week.

[Mike Wright]

A week.

[Andy]

Because then you can come back when they ask again and say, oh, I just changed it. It's been down a week. What's the deal? Couple days. That's.

[Jason]

I mean, but they are where they are now. It's been three months.

[Andy]

No, I held problems only in the past. Oh, with what could have been.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, we're in charge of the future problems. Andy does the past problem.

[Andy]

I mean, if they're. If they were hurting my bandwidth, it would be. I would fix this so quick. I mean, this would up your bandwidth. You would. I would just change my password. I mean, just change it and just say, oh, no, we haven't been able to, you know, we. This is not your Internet, man.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. This is the truth, so. Right, Al, here's how. Andy, look at your Internet. You ain't wrong. Here's how Andy would fix the problem. He would let the neighbor know that Andy's bandwidth is being, like, laggy and so you can't use it right now unless it's an emergency or something. It was called honesty. And it would be totally fine. It would solve every problem out there. But you'd have to have that moment of confrontation. And I'll do everything to avoid that. So I'll double my Internet if your neighbor. I'll pay for their Internet.

[Andy]

If your neighbor borrowed a riding mower that you had bought for $6,000.

[Mike Wright]

That's a nice one.

[Andy]

Okay, it's you. So it's probably. It's $12,000.

[Jason]

Yep.

[Andy]

It's the top of the line. It's made for yards 10 times the size of yours. But you got it anyway.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, it's gonna do it faster.

[Andy]

And they said, can I borrow. I need to trim my yard. Or whatever you call it.

[Jason]

Mow my yard.

[Mike Wright]

Trim my grass.

[Andy]

I need to mow my grass. And then they put it in their garage and they forgot to return it to you. How many months until you get it back? Are you willing to go over there and ask for it back?

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, if I need it. I mean, I would let them have it until I need it. I mean, that's just great. They're storing it for me, but if I needed it, I would just say, oh, hey, I need to mow my lawn. And that doesn't feel comfortable.

[Andy]

But what if they said no?

[Mike Wright]

I'd say, okay. Yeah. I'd be like, yeah, okay. And then I'd probably have to. At that point, I would.

[Andy]

If they said, what mower?

[Mike Wright]

Oh, if they were like, they just gaslighted me.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike Wright]

I would be like, oh, man, I thought I gave you a mower. Honestly, they would probably win. I wouldn't even have to, like, do. I would probably go.

[Andy]

They'd convince you you're wrong.

[Mike Wright]

I go talk to the family and be like, man, I lost my mower. I thought I gave it to Nancy. It turns out I just lost it. I just. Someone stole our mower.

[Andy]

Did you guys see, man, I want you as a neighbor bad.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, my trees stay up. I have been a very kind neighbor to, like in my past houses. I have bought things for neighbors, loaned things for neighbors, taken care of, problems for neighbors, just to avoid confrontation. But I will say this. I will say this. Breaking news. I'm about to be a bad neighbor.

[Jason]

Oh, no.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, you're gonna. You gotta talk about this. Yeah, Yeah, I know you are.

[Mike Wright]

I just moved to a new neighborhood, and then. So I'm Rebel. I'm a new.

[Andy]

Another year, another house.

[Mike Wright]

There's an hoa.

[Jason]

Okay, okay.

[Andy]

Oh, I didn't know about that. Layer.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. In the hoa.

[Andy]

Not just the county.

[Mike Wright]

Not just the county. Not just the neighbors. There's an hoa. And in our hoa, you are not allowed to have chickens. Right? Watch me, bro. I'm building my chicken run.

[Jason]

You're waving your finger in the face of the hoa.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

And now you're telling everyone about it.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, well, so here's the thing. I didn't think about that part of it.

[Jason]

I don't think this is a good idea.

[Mike Wright]

I. Hey, police. I'm tucking it way back, like it's in a corner that's far from my neighbors.

[Andy]

Now, wait, are you wagging your finger or you're not? Now you're backing down? Now you're like, oh, I'm hiding it away.

[Mike Wright]

I want my fresh eggs, man. I don't want the popo come and shut me down.

[Andy]

So, wait, are you.

[Mike Wright]

So I, Mike Wright, hoa And city is.

[Andy]

City ordinances against.

[Mike Wright]

I don't know. But I, Mike Wright, am gonna wave my finger against the hoa, And I will. I'll take what comes. All right, Mike, you can visit me and shut me down.

[Jason]

Did you guys see. Sorry. We're going back to WI fi. Because I remembered it. There was a viral video that went out of a neighbor confront or a person confronting their neighbor because the neighbor had been using their. The other WI fi for years. And then this person put a password on it. Oh, I haven't seen this video.

[Andy]

I have.

[Jason]

The neighbor comes in to demand that they take their password off, and they're like, what? No, this is my WI fi. And they're like, yeah, but I've been using it for years.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, my gosh. That can't be real.

[Jason]

Oh, it's a real video.

[Andy]

It's just like, yeah, but that's mine.

[Jason]

And they're just. They're so angry and can't understand why someone would put a password on their WI fi.

[Andy]

Is that the one where he kind of says, that's, like, the neighborhood's Internet or something like that? Yeah. Yep.

[Jason]

It's the neighborly thing to do.

[Mike Wright]

People are so entitled.

[Andy]

There's only one thing that I wouldn't like about you as a neighbor. I just thought of it.

[Mike Wright]

Chickens.

[Andy]

No. Well, the chickens. I don't know.

[Mike Wright]

They're not even a problem. I'm not getting a rooster.

[Andy]

Here's the truth. Chickens eat bugs.

[Mike Wright]

Yes.

[Andy]

Bugs affect the whole neighborhood. That helps.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And I'm not sure that chicken poop smells bad through the neighbor.

[Mike Wright]

I'll clean it.

[Andy]

And unless you got roosters waking me up.

[Mike Wright]

No, no, no, no.

[Andy]

So not worried about that. No. The only thing with eggs I'm Pretty sure you have more trash receptacles than the whole street combined. Because you rent.

[Mike Wright]

I do.

[Andy]

10 to 20 trash receptacles.

[Mike Wright]

I have a lot. It's Sunday, and I've been to your

[Andy]

house where I want to drop you off out front. Your house. And there's no area to pull up anymore because it's just a. All of them from the neighborhood.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, I wish I could just get a dumpster.

[Jason]

We.

[Mike Wright]

We moors. We accumulate a lot of garbage.

[Andy]

You start doing something else that the HOA wouldn't like, you should start incinerating your trash in the backyard. Oh, maybe like your own. Burn it, baby. All right. Do we have time for another one, Al?

[Mike Wright]

Let's do one more.

[Andy]

I think we super. Did we help that one? I'm not sure. Matthew from Patreon. Something about being changed the password.

[Mike Wright]

Okay.

[Andy]

We have a friend. Matthew has a friend whose house recently burned down. That sucks. We don't have a ton of extra money, but we felt compelled to send them something to help. So I venmoed them $40. When I got to the confirmation screen, I realized I had accidentally sent them $400.

[Mike Wright]

Dude, that's big of you.

[Andy]

I instantly received a text with an ecstatic and heartfelt thank you from them before I had the chance to explain the mistake. I cannot afford that big of a gift right now.

[Mike Wright]

Yes, you can. Yeah.

[Andy]

That is the answer.

[Jason]

That is.

[Mike Wright]

You can.

[Jason]

Dude, that is done.

[Mike Wright]

So you need to go sell a dresser. Okay? You got to do what you got to do. You lost that $360. It's so funny.

[Andy]

It's over. Yeah, that is over.

[Mike Wright]

You can't gift someone in a catastrophe money, have their heartfelt response and be

[Andy]

like, actually, bro, that is your stupid tag.

[Mike Wright]

I need that back. Oh, that's so funny.

[Andy]

Go sell a dresser. Right? That is the life advice.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, man, that's. She gone. Okay. That is earmarked. Dave Ramsey would say, she gone. That's gone.

[Andy]

Now if. Let me just tease it out, because we all agree on that, right? Like, that money's toast.

[Jason]

Yeah. That money's gone.

[Andy]

And you just need to. Now you just receive the benefits of the.

[Jason]

You're having a garage sale now.

[Andy]

Well. And you've got a friend that loves you for life. Right. You just bought their affection for themselves.

[Mike Wright]

They're not your neighbor anymore, though.

[Andy]

No.

[Mike Wright]

Sorry about your house, but what if

[Andy]

you put another zero on there on accident? How many?

[Jason]

Zero.

[Andy]

How many zeros does it take to where you can.

[Jason]

Oh, four. Four grand. If you meant 400 and you go to four grand.

[Andy]

No. What if you meant 40 and you went to four grand, can you go and.

[Mike Wright]

Wait, you're saying you meant to do

[Andy]

$4 because it's so obvious that it was large. Where does it get to where you can actually say, whoops?

[Mike Wright]

I think it's the total amount of money, not the obviousness. So, for instance, if I meant to do four forty dollars and I accidentally. I put the double zeros in, thinking I was doing, you know, the cents, and it was $4,000, I would tell them, oh, my gosh, after you got the text, after I would say, I just saw that I meant to send $400. Okay. It was one extra zero, not two extra zero.

[Andy]

4000 is a fair amount of a house burns down, though I think it's proportional to.

[Mike Wright]

They're not building a house. No, but four grand.

[Andy]

If your house burned down and I gave you four grand, you wouldn't think I necessarily made a mistake.

[Mike Wright]

No, that's.

[Andy]

You'd be like, oh, that will help towards my really expensive house.

[Mike Wright]

Exceptionally generous.

[Andy]

So I just think, like, and then you got the tax. It's like, oh, my gosh, this is saving us in a hard time. I still think the 4000 is hard to fix.

[Mike Wright]

I will say this. The question has come in. And so no matter what, the answer was not given right away. This is like in fantasy football, if you accidentally click something and sometimes it's like, well, you got to live with it. You said, accept this trade. But if the answer comes immediate, it's like, this goes through. Oh, yeah, I'm glad you took that trade. Oh, whoops, I didn't mean to. That's way different than a day later. Yeah. You know, you do accept this trade. The text comes in, oh, I'm so glad you accepted this trade. And then a day later going, oh, that was an accident.

[Andy]

I mean, Matthew, this has brought me great entertainment to know that you went through this.

[Jason]

Is it inappropriate to text them and say, May I borrow $360?

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike Wright]

But what if you've got a need?

[Jason]

You're saying, borrow.

[Andy]

He's just begging. I thought this question was going another place, which I also have this question, so I might as well ask it as well. Which is like, if somebody has a major catastrophe, is there too little of money to send? That is an insult.

[Jason]

That $40.

[Andy]

That's kind of what. That's kind of my first reaction.

[Jason]

That's. You send nothing.

[Andy]

Yeah, like, don't send 40 for a. Like, the house is probably 500 grand.

[Jason]

You make them. You make them a nice dinner.

[Mike Wright]

What's. What's.

[Andy]

You say we'll take care of dinner for a little.

[Mike Wright]

What's the bare minimum? Because I know we'd all agree that 100 is fine. Yeah, but is 50 okay? Like 40 feels like.

[Andy]

No. For a house.

[Mike Wright]

For any real life event. You know, a major life event.

[Andy]

I'm judging it based on the.

[Mike Wright]

It's got to be at least 100, right?

[Andy]

I don't. I mean, if you bang your car up and get in a car accident, it doesn't have to be 100. It could be 50 for car repairs.

[Mike Wright]

Car repairs isn't a major life event.

[Andy]

Okay, so you're not counting a car accident?

[Mike Wright]

No. Who's putting a gofundme out there for a fender bender? Hey, I got rear ended a little. Check this. Go fund me out.

[Andy]

A lot of people don't have money for car repairs.

[Mike Wright]

But do they Go fund me to.

[Andy]

No, not a gofundme.

[Jason]

But neither was this of I didn't get hurt. But old Betsy, she's a wreck right now.

[Andy]

Yeah. I think that there is definitely too small an amount.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Where it is an insult, which you did it.

[Jason]

And then karma gotcha.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Jason]

All right.

[Mike Wright]

Congratulations.

[Andy]

Yeah, congratulations.

[Mike Wright]

Because you were about to get a different text when that $40 went through. The text was going to be like, dude, it's okay if you need to

[Jason]

keep this, you know, or you just get a text. That's 40, question mark.

[Mike Wright]

Did you make a typo?

[Andy]

All right, we're going to take a break and come back with our draft.

[Mike Wright]

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[Andy]

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[Jason]

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[Jason]

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[Andy]

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[Jason]

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[Mike Wright]

The Spitballers draft.

[Andy]

Well, no better way to celebrate episode 297 than to draft the best mustaches on the planet. So, Mike, you have the first pick in this draft. And there's a lot of mustaches that you must choose from,

[Jason]

man. And there's some, there's some elite top tier talent in the mustache department here.

[Andy]

It really is an iconic look. It can be like a mustache can be who you are.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, yeah, maybe.

[Andy]

You know what I mean? Like if you take somebody's mustache off of certain people, they don't exist anymore,

[Jason]

man. I'm stuck between.

[Andy]

You're struggling at number one because there's

[Mike Wright]

not know what the draft was today. You were the first.

[Jason]

Is it mustaches?

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, it was the first. Yeah. And you, you knew you were the first pick.

[Jason]

I'm going, yeah, but when you're on the clock, man, the pressure's up. I'm going, Tom Selleck.

[Mike Wright]

Okay. That's, I would say classically, that's the

[Andy]

vanilla ice cream of the pick.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, yeah. Yes.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike Wright]

It is the most common. It is. You know, that's kind of the name that comes to mind for me when I hear.

[Jason]

That's why I took it.

[Mike Wright]

But the problem for me is, like, I've never watched Tom Selleck in anything. He's my parents generation.

[Andy]

He is an expiring mustache, as I like to say.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, it's just one of those, like,

[Andy]

there will be a generation of people that don't know Tom. Like, if you ask my kid, oh,

[Jason]

they're not going to know Tom Selleck.

[Andy]

I said, what do you think of Tom Selleck's mustache. I'm just saying, like, yeah, they won't.

[Jason]

Okay. Perfect. So generationally, I better not hear anybody old.

[Andy]

I knew that I stepped in that poop.

[Jason]

You guys walked in a weird direction.

[Andy]

I knew I stepped in that poop right away. But I was just trying to agree with Jason that, like, all those real

[Jason]

modern guys with mustaches.

[Andy]

Hey, I've got more iconic mustaches.

[Jason]

All right, let's go.

[Mike Wright]

I'll take a modern one. A show that just finished a couple years ago instead of a show that finished. When was Tom Selleck's big hits were, like, in the 70s? They were decades ago.

[Andy]

90s, maybe.

[Mike Wright]

I'm taking Ron Swanson.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike Wright]

I'm taking Duke Silver. Give me that mustache and give me the. All the eggs you got and all the bacon you got.

[Andy]

It's a look that's a good pick, but not a first round pick. Oh, Ron Swanson does not belong. I mean, Tom Selleck's a much better pick than that.

[Jason]

Thank you.

[Mike Wright]

I'm taking the mustaches of the people I like. Also, I've never watched Tom Selleck in anything. Would you.

[Andy]

I've gotten such good picks.

[Jason]

Now, this is a question for Andy. Would you say nine years is a couple?

[Andy]

No.

[Jason]

Okay. Just checking for no reason at all.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. No, look, it's not a first round pick. I'm sorry. I just don't agree with it.

[Mike Wright]

The people are going to Tom Selleck. The people are going to come at you for that one.

[Andy]

If this was a big mustache, like, tournament, Selleck destroys Swanson.

[Jason]

Thank you.

[Andy]

I'm sorry, and I love Swanson, but I'm just.

[Jason]

All right, we're back on track.

[Andy]

I've got. I've got two mustaches to pick. Not like I don't have to because you can't unless you have two sets of mouths.

[Jason]

What?

[Andy]

Well, you can't have more than one mustache. No one can have more than one.

[Jason]

Yeah. Okay.

[Andy]

My first pick is.

[Mike Wright]

What if you were to.

[Andy]

You just cut off my pick?

[Mike Wright]

What if you were to do a horizontal stripe on your lip?

[Andy]

It's whatever's closest to the must to the lip.

[Jason]

It's still a mustache.

[Andy]

That's the only one you got.

[Mike Wright]

It's just a striped mustache.

[Andy]

I did think about the double stripe.

[Jason]

I don't believe it's still a mustache.

[Andy]

Pick number one. Yeah, I'm going Mario.

[Jason]

Yeah, Super Mario.

[Andy]

Mario.

[Jason]

Super Mario is on the list.

[Mike Wright]

You just made fun of of Ron Swanson and you went with superb.

[Andy]

They're not even video game. They're not even in the same, like,

[Mike Wright]

tier one of them grew a real mustache. I'm just saying.

[Jason]

I built an entire gigantic list and then was like, oh, yeah, Ron Swanson.

[Andy]

Thank you, Mike.

[Jason]

Super Mario was the third name on

[Mike Wright]

my rescue, you guys.

[Andy]

The world will agree. And then, goodness gracious, I will go with my look. I'm already a huge Western guy. The mustache in the Westerns are incredible. And I get handed Sam Elliott.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, that's a good thing.

[Andy]

Sam Elliott is that mustache.

[Jason]

He is mustache.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, dude, if you. He is mustache.

[Andy]

That is the best phrase ever. In fact, if a mustache was walking down the street, my first assumption, it would be Sam. So I'm thinking Sam Elliot and that freaking great mustache to go Super Mario.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. No, I love that pick. That is way better than Mario. And I enjoy Sam Elliot. Okay, so I am back on the clock. I'm going in a. I'm going in a different direction, I think, than you guys. Right? You guys are going.

[Jason]

Yeah, you are.

[Mike Wright]

You guys are.

[Jason]

What direction are we going in?

[Mike Wright]

You guys are going like, popular mustaches. Popular mustaches. You know, like, big, iconic mustaches. The best mustaches of all time. Like, that's what you're trying to do. Okay, that's not the game I'm playing.

[Andy]

No, no. Nuance.

[Mike Wright]

I'm building the best team of dudes with mustaches. I am going to entertain the masses with my mustaches. And it's going to start right now with Borat.

[Jason]

Borat.

[Mike Wright]

Borat, Borat. Yes, baby. All time. Yes.

[Andy]

Worst.

[Mike Wright]

To pick such a good pick. My wife.

[Andy]

Oh, man. The top.

[Mike Wright]

Baby, go look and remind yourself of that gorgeous regal mustache.

[Jason]

I know it's a good mustache, but Borax.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, baby. Yeah. Now, I'm so proud of my pick. It's so good, huh?

[Andy]

In the annals of time, no mustache reigns supreme like Ron Swanson and Borax.

[Mike Wright]

That's darn right.

[Andy]

All right, Mike, you're.

[Mike Wright]

See a theme.

[Andy]

I am so sorry, Mike, that I began any part of this draft with a criticism of Tom Selleck. You have made a wonderful pick.

[Jason]

I mean, okay, Borat, Super Mario. It's hard to follow.

[Andy]

All right. It's hard to follow Borat. Yeah, go ahead.

[Jason]

But I will try this one. I gotta get this name out there. I'm going with Groucho Marx.

[Mike Wright]

Okay.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Because this is just. This is a pure respect of when you buy a fake glasses with a fake nose and a mustache. That's Groucho Marx mustache.

[Andy]

It's his real mustache.

[Mike Wright]

So that was my question. I Had a genuine question. I didn't know if he put on a fake mustache.

[Jason]

I don't think he had a real.

[Mike Wright]

Or if that was real.

[Andy]

And for those that don't know Groucho Marx, you can Google it. This looks like a bow tie as a mustache, almost. I mean, this is. It's flat on the sides.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. This.

[Jason]

It can't be real.

[Andy]

It looks like a fake mustache.

[Jason]

It's a Groucho Marx mustache.

[Mike Wright]

It's got to be a fake mustache, then.

[Andy]

I don't think so.

[Mike Wright]

Someone. Someone vet that. I'll get on that.

[Andy]

Back then, they didn't have fake mustaches.

[Jason]

I think. I think he may have.

[Andy]

All right, so Groucho Marx.

[Jason]

Yes. I'm taking Groucho Marks.

[Andy]

And

[Jason]

then we're going to go. I mean, whatever. Let's just pile up the old guys. Because I was. I was torn between Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. So I'm going to go with Burt Reynolds because, look, this is. The mustache had its time.

[Andy]

I'm so.

[Jason]

It had its peak, and it was when those two guys were at the top.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah. And I definitely believe the Selleck belongs ahead of Reynolds. No question. Unfortunately, you have made a great.

[Mike Wright]

Boring.

[Andy]

Just good competition. You're a good competition for me in this draft.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

That's what I'm saying, Mike.

[Mike Wright]

I can't wait to dominate this draft.

[Jason]

What good pick are you going to make?

[Mike Wright]

Oh, it's going to be so good. It's so good.

[Jason]

Here it comes. It better not be my last pick.

[Mike Wright]

You ready for this?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike Wright]

I'm Ron Burgundy. Yeah.

[Jason]

Ok. He's on my list.

[Andy]

Perfect for your team. It is just the right compliment.

[Mike Wright]

You are going character over Ron Swanson. Borat and Ron Burgundy. Are you kidding me? Who doesn't want to hang out with that mustached group? I do. I sure do.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

I don't want to hang out with you. Want to hang out with Borat.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, he'd. Yeah. He would make me laugh like crazy. I don't. He'd be handing me bags full of his poop. I mean, funny gags.

[Jason]

What?

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

No, I don't remember that part. It's been a while.

[Andy]

Jason's getting in my head a little bit because I've got some worthy mustaches that belong here. But I am a little concerned about the fact that he went contemporary on everything.

[Mike Wright]

See that?

[Andy]

But Mike's got some.

[Mike Wright]

Ron Swanson's contemporary Mike.

[Andy]

Yeah. Last decade. Good job updating these guys, by the way. Really, really good job.

[Jason]

I don't Mind calling him contemporary. I mind you saying a couple years.

[Mike Wright]

Okay.

[Andy]

All right, I'm going to go with. Oh, by the way, I had one note next to Tom Selleck on my. On my list, which obviously you drafted him, but it was just thick. Yeah, that is a thick. When you see that mustache, there are so many people out there, so many men that are like, I can't grow that much hair per square inch. I would say almost.

[Mike Wright]

I would say almost every man on the. That has ever thought of that.

[Andy]

That's a hair per inch, like, record.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. I mean, you're Sam. Sam Elliott has. He is a mustache. He is mustache, and he does not have the thickness. His thickness still wishes that it was Tom Selleck. You know who doesn't wish that? Borat. Dude. That thing.

[Jason]

That thing is back to Borat.

[Mike Wright]

I'm just saying, all right, you want to give respect to thick mustaches? You respect Sacha Baron Cohen, because that. That dude can grow a stash.

[Jason]

He can.

[Andy]

It was fake, by the way. I just looked that up.

[Mike Wright]

No.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Oh, no, that's a fake. Man, the world crumbles.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, yeah. Groucho Marks, huh? Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

I'm not flexing on my guys being real.

[Mike Wright]

Wait, I have no idea. No, there's no way I'm vetting this. Okay.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Andy]

But the fear that you had on your face.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, that felt pretty stupid.

[Andy]

All right, I'm going a classic and an iconic. I'm going Albert Einstein.

[Jason]

Okay. Love it.

[Andy]

Bushy.

[Jason]

Oh, just unruly.

[Andy]

Genius. Unruly mustache.

[Jason]

That thing is all over the place.

[Andy]

And then I'm going to follow. Ooh, maybe I'll make a pivot. Maybe I make a pivot.

[Mike Wright]

You haven't gone yet. You can just walk to your next pick.

[Andy]

No, no. Mental pivot.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, okay.

[Andy]

Yep, I'm doing it. Teddy Roosevelt.

[Jason]

Oh, Teddy Roosevelt.

[Andy]

My mustache is presidential. Yours is Borat. I'm going president.

[Mike Wright]

And speaking of Borat, I started typing

[Jason]

in Teddy mustache to look at it.

[Mike Wright]

President. Teddy Mustache was the 22nd President.

[Andy]

Bully.

[Mike Wright]

So, speaking of Borat.

[Andy]

Please, not anymore.

[Mike Wright]

It is a real mustache.

[Andy]

Oh, thank goodness. But you were scared because of my lying.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, because you're lying. I was very scared. Well, this makes it easy. There is one man that I know left that just fits my list. He was the lowest on my ranking of mustaches in general. But when I'm assembling an iconic comedic team of mustaches, Ted Lasso's got to be there, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, look at my team. Ron Swanson Borat, Ron Burgundy, and Ted Lasso.

[Jason]

I think Ted Lasso really saves you.

[Mike Wright]

Thank you.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's perfect for your squad.

[Mike Wright]

I'm loving my grade.

[Andy]

Basically, if somebody stepped into, like, what, like a 10 year time machine, none of these mustaches existed. Right? These are all modern mustaches.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Double M's.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Modern mustache M and Ms. All right, Mike, final pick. Selleck, Groucho, March, March, and Burt Reynolds are your three. Jason has Swanson, Borat, Burgundy, and Lasso. I've got Super Mario, Sam Elliott, Albert Einstein, and Teddy Roosevelt.

[Jason]

Some may say this is where my team jumps the shark, but I don't care.

[Andy]

Wait, did you just go like a personal favorite mustache?

[Jason]

Yeah, now I'm.

[Mike Wright]

We're going my dad's.

[Jason]

No, no, my dad was a mustache man, though.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

At some point.

[Mike Wright]

No, the same era. The mustache era.

[Jason]

It's a man. He's a little tiny orange man, and he takes care of the trees. It's the Lorax, baby. Oh, my gosh, dude, look at his mustache.

[Mike Wright]

You made fun of my pics.

[Andy]

I know. He totally jumped a shark at the end like you said. Yeah, the Lorax. I mean, it is.

[Jason]

Look at the Lorax mustache.

[Andy]

If you look at a poster of Bask in its glory of the Lorax, like, all it is is a mustache.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike Wright]

What's the. What's the guy with the two guns? Did somebody see him? Yeah, he had a way bigger mustache. If you're for just that, the Lorax

[Andy]

looks like Wilford Brimley.

[Mike Wright]

He does. If that was a real guy.

[Andy]

Yeah. You could have gone Wilford Brimley.

[Mike Wright]

But I mean, look, I can't believe Hulk Hogan went undrafted. I thought you guys would go. I mean, that is. That is as iconic. You could put it this way. If you put a mustache on a piece of paper, okay, you just drew a mustache. Is there anyone else that could.

[Andy]

You could say, this is not a mustache. I mean, not a tradition.

[Jason]

It's a handlebar mustache.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, but I'm just saying if you draw that, you go, that's Hulk Hogan. That's Hulk Hogan's mustache.

[Jason]

But that's not how I draw a mustache. I draw it and I go. I do the little curly.

[Andy]

Yeah. Raleigh fingers.

[Mike Wright]

I'm saying that you.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's more embarrassing. That Raleigh fingers is not in you.

[Mike Wright]

I'm saying that if you drew a Raleigh Fingers mustache, and if you don't know who that is, it's because you're great and you didn't watch baseball if you drew that, you wouldn't look at that and go, well, that's Raleigh Fingers. You could say, oh, Raleigh Fingers had a mustache like that. But you don't know who that is. You don't know who any of these are.

[Andy]

No.

[Mike Wright]

Except for Hulk Hogan.

[Andy]

No, you're wrong.

[Mike Wright]

No, I'm not.

[Andy]

I will say this. Raleigh Fingers would have been a pick, but I was afraid of the popularity of your list.

[Jason]

Who's the guy on Steve Harvey?

[Mike Wright]

Yeah. I thought for sure I'd end up with Steve Harvey.

[Andy]

The Pringles guy on the can. The Monopoly Man.

[Jason]

Yeah. All right. Okay.

[Mike Wright]

Ned Flanders.

[Jason]

That's also.

[Andy]

That's a great one. Wyatt Earp.

[Mike Wright]

Yep. I thought for sure you'd end up with Wyatt Earp.

[Andy]

I just didn't want to double up. Sam Elliott.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Jason]

I thought you. When you said you're going to pivot, Andy, you were going to go Einstein right into Mark Twain.

[Andy]

He was on the list.

[Mike Wright]

Charlie Chaplin, very iconic mustache.

[Andy]

I had to choose Einstein versus Twain. Did I make the right choice?

[Mike Wright]

No, and here's why. The reason is because, like, I thought of Einstein, but when I think of Einstein and when anyone thinks of Einstein, as far as physically, you don't think about the mustache. You think about the top.

[Jason]

You think about the hair.

[Mike Wright]

You think about the hair like, that's. That's Mark. That is.

[Jason]

The iconic is pretty similar.

[Mike Wright]

If you. If you were to get a Halloween costume for Einstein. If you were to get a Halloween costume for Einstein. Right. It might not even come with mustache.

[Jason]

Like, the wig is more important.

[Mike Wright]

The wig is enough. You walk in with that wig.

[Andy]

That's unfortunately a decent argument that I. Hopefully, people turn the show off already. Charlie Chaplin. Yeah, it's about. Oh, he did.

[Mike Wright]

Yeah.

[Andy]

That's about the end of my list.

[Jason]

I had Dr. Phil.

[Andy]

That would have been a good Jason pick.

[Jason]

Alex.

[Mike Wright]

Not funny.

[Jason]

Alex Trebek.

[Mike Wright]

Oh, yeah, Classic.

[Jason]

But he had times where he was no must.

[Mike Wright]

That's true.

[Andy]

That's true.

[Jason]

So I couldn't fully commit. Oh, Freddie Mercury. Oh, yeah, that guy. Killer Stash.

[Mike Wright]

I looked at him earlier and I meant for him to be on my list. I'm glad you named that, because that's. That's very iconic. What did we learn today?

[Jason]

I learned that Jason is a renegade. He's going to tell his Jason moa.

[Andy]

Jason Moore.

[Mike Wright]

You mean Mike. You mean me, Mike Wright. I am a renegade. And I will build a chicken coop on my Mike Wright's property.

[Andy]

I learned about the finer details of insurance law. If the tree's not dead.

[Jason]

That's such great news.

[Andy]

You deal with your own problems.

[Mike Wright]

And I learned that even though I do agree with a lot of Dave Ramsey's teachings, I do not follow them. And I don't want him around me, and I don't want him judging me.

[Andy]

Judge thyself.

[Mike Wright]

I will. I shall not.

[Andy]

All right, goodbye everybody.

[Jason]

Goodbye.

[Mike Wright]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

[Andy]

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[Jason]

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[Andy]

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[Jason]

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[Andy]

find a gift that will make her feel seen. Celebrate the heart of the family with Mother's Day gifts on Etsy.

[Mike Wright]

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