Spitballers Comedy Podcast: "Jiu-Jitsu Master & The Best Animal Movies – Spit Hits!"

Episode 303 | January 22, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, & Jason

Episode Overview

This episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast is packed with the trio’s classic brand of clean, dad-friendly humor. The main attractions are ridiculous hypothetical scenarios, an extended and hilarious debate about the value of mastering jiu-jitsu versus drawing, wild real-life news stories (including a texting judge and a wayward finger), and an animated, nostalgia-tinged draft: the best animal movies. From awkward social dilemmas to childhood favorites, the laughs and friendly jabs come nonstop.

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Would You Rather: Awkward Social Terrors

[02:30]
Prompt: Would you rather give a best man’s speech for someone you barely know OR go to your kid’s schoolmate’s birthday party and blow out their candles (and stay for the rest of the party)?

• Detailed breakdown of each disaster:
  • The agony and logistical planning for blowing out another child’s candles as an adult: “You have to sell it like it’s a big gag. That’s hilarious. I mean, it’s not going to go over well. You might get punched.” – Andy [03:28]
  • Layered justifications for the act, from "saving" the birthday kid to claiming desperate personal need for a birthday wish.
• Comparing the embarrassment and possible violence from parents. The group ultimately agrees that hijacking a best man’s speech is the less scarring option.

Notable Quote:
“I was just helping him, man. Why’d you do that? He’s a little undersized. I didn’t think the lungs were going to be able to power through. I want his wish to come true. And my man lungs got them all 11 out.” – Mike [05:11]

2. Would You Rather: Master Drawing or Jiu-Jitsu?

[08:41]

• Mike quickly picks jiu-jitsu, valuing its “real-life skill” and the satisfaction of being unbeatable at tournaments—even if only for a year.
• Andy presses the longevity and hobby-satisfaction of drawing, pondering if talent is innate or strictly learnable.
• Tangents include a lively side quest: brainstorming a hobby for Mike. Ideas range from woodworking (“That’s very cumbersome and you get sweaty in the garage”), collecting (antiquing “infinitely until your next of kin is forced to sell them all”), to beer making and brunching.
• Jason suggests bootlegging, complete with moonshine logistics, and muses about art scams (“If I’m really good at drawing, do I make all these drawings and then say someone I knew made these, and now they’re gone? Because that’s the only way they’re valuable.”) [15:49]

Notable Quote:
“I wish I could do it…just looking at it, which is…that’s not a…most of the things I see drawn in my life are on a dry erase board and they’re quickly erased.” – Mike [11:47]

3. Social Norms: Doors and Elevators

[14:14] Would You Rather:

• Always stand in the elevator with your back to the door, or always pull doors shut behind you—even with people walking up?
  • Universally agree that actively shutting doors on people is egregious.
  • Detailed hilarity about elevator scenarios, from greeting every family (“Hello, welcome. Enjoy your stay.”) to speculation about smile-versus-scowl when standing backwards to strangers in an elevator.

Notable Quote:
“If I turned around and this dude had an ear to ear smile, I would run off that elevator.” – Mike [21:42]

4. Is This Real Life?

[25:55] News Stories:

• Andy: Oklahoma judge resigns after sending over 500 mocking texts to the bailiff during a murder trial, peppered with emojis and snark about lawyers' attire and skills.
  • “The judge is just side-eyeing you…The best part is the texts were being sent to the bailiff during the trial. Making fun of people with emojis included.” – Andy [26:48]
  • The trio sympathizes but is floored it was a murder trial, not traffic court.
• Mike: Canadian family pays $10,000 to ship dad's body home from Cuba…receives a much younger Russian man with tattoos instead.
  • “So they spent $10,000 to have the body returned…However, the casket arrived containing the body of a Russian man who was at least 20 years younger…with a head full of hair and tattoos.” – Mike [30:13]
• Jason: Citizen in Tacoma finds a human finger in the yard. Eventually, the owner calls in saying it was lost during a fireworks mishap—news brings a gleeful reunion (with the finger, not reattachment).
  • “He didn’t know where it went…Saw the story and called in, ‘I think that’s my finger.’” – Jason [34:42]

PSA: Don't mess with fireworks. “If we can do anything on this show, please, please, please don’t play with fireworks, everybody. It is the dumbest thing you could ever do.” – Andy [35:12]

5. The Spitballers Draft: Best Animal Movies

[38:24] Full segment; highlights below

Draft Criteria: The animal must be a predominant character or theme—not just a pet in a home. Animated films permitted.

ROUND 1

• Mike: Homeward Bound
• Jason: The Lion King
• Andy: Jaws

ROUND 2

• Mike: How to Train Your Dragon
• Jason: Free Willy
• Andy: Jurassic Park
  • Debate if dinosaurs qualify as animals. Verdict: Yes. [43:00]

ROUND 3

• Mike: Finding Nemo
• Jason: Zootopia (“It’s so good. The main characters are so good. Jason Bateman…” – Jason [48:21])
• Andy: Land Before Time (nostalgic favorite, animated dinosaur tearjerker)

ROUND 4

• Mike: Planet of the Apes (OG Heston version)
• Jason: Paddington 2 (unexpected enthusiasm, cited as near-perfect; “Paddington 2 is just a perfect movie.” – Mike [52:03])
• Andy: Paddington 2 was Jason’s alternate as well—triggering a Paddington love fest.

ROUND 5

• Mike: Emperor’s New Groove (Cusco becomes a llama; “Goofy Movie is my favorite Disney cartoon. Emperor’s New Groove is a very close second.” – Jason [53:46])

Also-Rans:

• Kung Fu Panda, Jungle Book, Milo & Otis, Charlotte’s Web, Air Bud, 101 Dalmatians, All Dogs Go to Heaven.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On What Makes an Animal Movie:

  • “If the name of the movie is the animal…we’ll allow it.” – Mike [42:28]
  • “Is a dinosaur an animal? Yes, is the answer.”—Andy [42:56]

• On Hobby Searching:

  • “Antiquing sounds awful…Shopping sounds good, antiquing sounds awful.” – Mike [12:26]
  • “What’s my ratio of crap to empty space?” – Jason, on collecting [13:04]

• On Social Responsibility:

  • “If I was there and there was just an endless line of families and no one was willing to take the door from me…I would die there.” – Mike [19:41]

• On Paddington 2:

  • “Paddington 2 is just a perfect movie.” – Mike [52:03]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Start of main show after ads: [01:05]
• Would You Rather – Best man’s speech vs. birthday candles: [02:30] – [08:41]
• Would You Rather – Drawing vs. Jiu-Jitsu: [08:41] – [15:37]
• Hobby Brainstorm and Bootlegging: [12:13] – [15:24]
• Elevator/door dilemmas: [14:14] – [23:15]
• Is This Real Life (News stories): [25:55] – [35:00]
• Animal Movie Draft: [38:24] – [56:08]
• Leftover draft picks & wrap-up reflections: [54:33] – [56:08]
• Episode sign-off: [56:23]

Takeaways and Final Thoughts

• The Spitballers’ chemistry is strongest in wild hypotheticals and when riffing on everyday social rules, peppered with rapid-fire one-liners.
• The animal movie draft sparked genuine debate about the very definition of "animal movie," with Jurassic Park and Zootopia both passing their bar, and dinosaurs (and dragons) hotly contested as animals.
• Unexpected wins go to Paddington 2 and Emperor’s New Groove, both described as "near perfect" and essential viewing.
• “Don’t play with fireworks,” turns from a story punchline to a genuine PSA.
• The show wraps up with each host sharing something new they learned—and Andy realizing Emperor’s New Groove is, indeed, an animal movie, while Mike vows never to disrespect kid birthday traditions.

For those who missed it:

• Expect a blend of truly ridiculous ‘would-you-rather’ hypotheticals, a keen nostalgia for ‘90s flicks, and low-stakes but passionate debate about what constitutes a real animal movie—all delivered with clean, improv-style dad humor.
• If you’ve never seen Homeward Bound, Paddington 2, or Emperor’s New Groove, you may want to add them to your list (and maybe send Mike some new hobby ideas).