
We discuss some would you rather questions before educating people on the difference between things like cleaning up and straightening up. Then Owl joins us for a draft of the best things that start with ‘P’! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!
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Mike
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Jason
It's.
Mike
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Jason
What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason Blub. Blop, bleep, blop. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know if this came. I don't know if it came through at all.
Mike
I don't think it came through. I just hit myself really hard.
Jason
That's what I was going to say. I don't know. Especially on the audio.
Mike
It didn't work.
Andy
I'll make himself.
Mike
I'll make sure. So hard.
Jason
Audio might not have told the tale. Please go watch this.
Mike
I was trying to give you one
Jason
of those on YouTube.
Andy
Amazing.
Jason
You slapped yourself like you were your enemy.
Andy
Yeah, the. I know exactly committed to the bit.
Jason
You challenged yourself to a duel.
Andy
I mean, what happened was Mike started it with the bark bark, you know, and then he realized it really needed something.
Mike
Oh, no.
Andy
I knew where I was going. So.
Jason
Where?
Andy
His normal mouth. Yeah, I don't even know how to do that. He hit his mouth.
Mike
You got to do it harder.
Andy
I noticed he slapped the crap out of himself twice. For one of the greatest scouts of all time. So welcome into The Spitballers episode 369. Would you rather. We know history, it's one star. We've got also our draft. We're drafting the perfect backyard, which is an awesome draft.
Jason
I think that's really fun because we're at a stage of life now where it's like, this is like, Is that a big deal? Well, it's like, stuff we actually want.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Like, you think about your backyard.
Jason
Yeah, sometimes we're drafting, you know, things that are purple, and that's fine, but it's like, I don't care that much about things that are purple. I think about my backyard, what I want in there, what I wish I had. If I had, you know, all the space and time and money to just do, you know, snap my fingers and have a perfect backyard. Well, we get to do that today.
Andy
All right. We'll kick it off with some. Would you rather.
Jason
Would you rather.
Andy
Would you rather live in an advanced technological future, but the entire world is at constant war? Or live in the 1700s, but the world is at perfect peace? So basically, convenience with danger or peace with convenience. Wait. Without convenience. Sorry.
Mike
I like the idea of you having any idea what's happening in the world in the 1700s.
Jason
Right. Like, I'm sure there's peace on the other side of this flat.
Mike
You're like, you know what I know about just this country.
Andy
Mile.
Mike
I was gonna say this street, but it's not. If you're thinking about, like, the colonizing of America is like, there wasn't streets,
Andy
but as the eye can see.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
It was like, I have this land. You go over there to the horizon when I need cabbage.
Jason
But the thing is, you don't know about war. The world is at peace in the 1700s. What that really means is you aren't
Andy
at war because nobody's coming up to burn your farm down.
Jason
Exactly. You live in peace.
Andy
Yours is gonna be. You're at perfect peace, but you are at war with things like germs. You are worm war.
Mike
You're at war with worms.
Andy
You're at war with.
Mike
They're after your crops and terror.
Andy
You're at war with any disease at that time. You cut yourself on a rock, that's a 50, 50.
Mike
It might be the end.
Andy
That could be it.
Jason
You know, you're saying these things, I think to. But this is a very easy decision. I can't fathom saying I would rather live in a great, like the question is worded this way, advanced technological future where the entire world is at war.
Andy
I still don't know your answer.
Jason
That Means that. No, you can't live in that. What you're hiding from, you're hiding from the robots. That's basically all your life is, okay? Tomorrow, snap your fingers. AI has taken over. They've got robotics. You are.
Andy
Nobody is more afraid of robots and wants to buy one than you. Well, for sure to buy them. Is that because you think they'll fight for you?
Jason
No, they're going to kill me. I know that.
Andy
Nobody is going to be more first in line.
Jason
Yes.
Andy
For a robot than Jason Moore.
Jason
So this is actually true.
Andy
You might have deposits down.
Jason
I could literally pass a lie detector test.
Mike
You probably will have the first one.
Andy
That you might be the story.
Mike
You're going to be the first robo murder.
Jason
Be the first. Yeah, I'll be the first death. And that's fine. That's fine. I'm fine with that. Because you are. We will all be robo murdered, okay? So get mine out of the way. I don't have to live in a murder.
Andy
Your murder is coming. When you ask it to do something a human should easily do, yours is going to be like, get the mail. And it slits your throat with a
Jason
piece of the mail.
Andy
I don't believe that's going to be something stupid.
Jason
I don't believe that.
Andy
Be like, give me my shoes. From where, sir? From three feet away. And the robot's going to go, this is an embarrassment, sir. You don't deserve to be alive.
Jason
Squish my face. This is what I believe.
Andy
Squish my face.
Jason
I believe that we will have a golden age of robots where every home
Mike
has, like, bicentennial man.
Jason
I don't know the reference, but every home, or the majority of homes will have robots. It will be a life of abundance. And I think that will happen. But I do actually think AI will eventually be unstoppable and uncontrollable and will take over. So would I rather live the time in between with the robots? Yes. Even knowing they will be our overlook.
Andy
Can we get real with Jason right now? I'd love to believe your, you know, your Jules Verne predictions of the future. But, Jason, you were the guy that said that 3D TV was taking over.
Jason
I've been wrong once or twice.
Andy
You were positive everyone in their house would be rocking 3D movies.
Jason
I've got two famous things I was wrong about, but.
Andy
Yes, you do.
Jason
And one was TV. Yes. And one was the 3D TV. And let me tell you, I hope. I hope it turns into three. I really hope it turns into three things.
Mike
Let me set the record straight. I really hope I'm wrong about the destruction of humanity.
Jason
Yes. Let it be known. I want. I want that out there. I'm willing to take.
Mike
I'm willing to take the L and be known as the guy who was
Andy
your gun around twice.
Jason
So, yes, I do. I don't necessarily think that we will like go to Terminator 2 style war with robots, but I don't think we'll control AI. I think it will usurp us.
Andy
So you want to live in the 1700s?
Jason
I would absolutely choose to live in the 1700s.
Andy
I want porch life, man. I want porch life.
Jason
But you also have to farm.
Andy
No, I know, it's a lot of work.
Jason
Eating is going to be a lot of work. There ain't no grocery store.
Andy
That's true. That's true. I mean, I hope it's in a nice area.
Jason
Can I talk about eating in the 1700s? Yeah. What I have learned.
Andy
Yeah, yeah.
Jason
From your visits. No, not my visits to my backyard. I've built. So here's the deal. I have built a chicken coop. I have chickens. I get eggs. I have built a really nice garden.
Mike
Did you use 1700s only tools? No.
Jason
We have automatic timer. I have hired out. This is as nice as I know can happen in where I'm living. And we've had it now for probably a year and a half, this garden. We've had a couple of ears of corn, a handful of singular handfuls of tomatoes.
Andy
Handfuls.
Jason
Handfuls.
Andy
So you would have died.
Jason
I don't know how people grow food, man. I've had this thing for a year and a half.
Andy
More room.
Jason
I've got four large beds of vegetation
Andy
and you need four acres of vegetation.
Jason
We can't. We can't survive on this.
Andy
No, no. You haven't been eating from.
Jason
I'll tell you what. My basil, my thyme, my herbs are on point. I can season my meal. Great. With my garden.
Andy
You can season your.
Jason
But that meal is coming from sprouts. That's not coming from a backyard. It's impossible. How did people. How do people survive in the 1700s?
Andy
Well, you got to go out and get yourself a buffalo or five.
Jason
Oh, that buffalo would kill me, I don't think.
Mike
Yeah, you need a calx.
Andy
Well, no, I'm saying you got to shoot them. Oh, you got to butcher them.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
But you got to go eat the meat. You got to catch some rabbits.
Mike
You can only carry 200 pounds. I know. Historical document.
Andy
That is a fact.
Mike
You just have to leave the rest of the £2,000 of meat just there to rot.
Jason
That was always so frustrating.
Andy
If you choose the 1700s one and you wish you were dead from war.
Mike
100%. 100%. I think we look back, oh, what
Andy
I wouldn't give for some more right now.
Mike
We're like. We look back and like. I romanticize it the simple.
Andy
We all do.
Mike
Time of life of, like, man. It's just the hullabaloo of modern society. Wouldn't it be nice to just. All you had to do was grow your food.
Jason
But.
Mike
No. But is there even a chance mo money, more problems.
Jason
Is there a chance you win the war against an advanced technological.
Mike
No.
Jason
Yeah. There's no way we win that war.
Andy
All you hope is that the war doesn't come to you during your lifetime,
Mike
that it's somewhere around you.
Andy
But, I mean, you're right, Mike. We romanticize it for sure. But I do romanticize the ignorance of those people to the outside world. Sure, but like Jason said, if I can't see it over the mountaintop, it ain't happening. We do. The world's nice.
Mike
We do all the same for our childhood. We're like, man, everyone, how great it was, and you had to drive to Blockbuster.
Andy
We do forget.
Mike
And you're like. And then you. Okay, rewind. Go back to you. Like, we have to drive all the way to Blockbuster.
Andy
We suck.
Mike
You just.
Jason
You just can't be happy.
Mike
No. Yeah. So, yeah, there it is.
Jason
Give me not war.
Andy
I'll take 1700. Best case, I have a nice, peaceful time. Worst case, I die young and am happy.
Mike
Yeah, but it's real long.
Jason
Well, you die of starvation because I'm telling you, you can't farm through.
Mike
That's not a fast death.
Andy
1700s was a long time ago.
Jason
Yeah. Yeah, that was.
Andy
Okay, I can picture 1800s. I can't picture 1700.
Jason
Well, no, if you think about 1776, you can see, like, the foundation of America.
Andy
There's no war.
Jason
Basically, the musical Hamilton, if you think
Andy
about that, you know, without the duel.
Jason
Well, there would be duels.
Andy
No, no war.
Jason
That's not war, okay? That's part of peacetime. A gentleman's war. I challenge you to a duel.
Andy
Would you rather work at a place where you have to request all of your vacation time through a website?
Jason
Oh, yes. Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, tell me you haven't proofread the doc without telling me you haven't proofread the doc. So. Ladies and gentlemen, continue.
Mike
Andy, continue reading.
Jason
The question.
Andy
Would you rather work at a place where you have to request all of your vacation time through a website with no dark mode. Or work at a place where you are loudly and publicly ridiculed for the tiniest mistake.
Jason
Oh, this is a great question. This is a great question.
Andy
This is coming from, I'm guessing, Al in Arizona.
Jason
Oh, my goodness. So we have implemented in our workplace a new vacation request system to track things.
Mike
I feel like ownership is getting shamed for having a more organized. More organized structure to actual time off.
Jason
Tell me, have we denied ever a request through the system currently?
Mike
You want to show you what's about.
Jason
Yeah, yeah. What's about to happen? The website's going to be shut down. I'm all requests cease.
Andy
Let me read you some statistics. You want the statistics?
Jason
Oh, yeah. Let's fight fire.
Andy
2026 requests.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
49 requests for time off.
Jason
Oh, I love it.
Andy
Honestly surprised at the quantity for the speed and what happened.
Jason
I mean, come on. This is a small group.
Mike
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Andy
49 requests.
Mike
I just want. Because look, this is an evergreen show just for the listeners at home. We are halfway through.
Jason
Not even.
Mike
20. 26.
Jason
Not halfway through.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
49-6-11 requests. Record setting.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Days approved. You want the number?
Jason
Yeah, I'm afraid.
Andy
You want to take a guess?
Jason
No.
Mike
60.
Andy
Mike.
Mike
No, I'm not even going to guess.
Andy
139 days approved.
Jason
Do we pay them for work off?
Andy
Correct?
Mike
I believe so.
Jason
Okay.
Andy
Hold on.
Jason
Wait.
Mike
That's the beauty of the days denied.
Jason
Days denied. Zero. Oh, man, those are some nice spots. Hey, can. Can we get just all in light mode amongst the people in this room? I'm just curious if you got the data. Oh, we got a leaderboard. We have a leaderboard.
Andy
I think we do have a leaderboard.
Jason
Oh, you bring this question to the table, you get roasted.
Andy
You ready?
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
So who do we have in the office right now?
Jason
We got the Falcon, who I don't think has put through his two week request yet.
Andy
No, I mean honeymoon. I got.
Jason
So let's add that on.
Andy
Al and Papa Josh, this is the perfect. Twist it and turn it to you.
Jason
Wonderful.
Andy
We got a tie.
Jason
Oh, I don't even know.
Mike
Get out of here.
Andy
Al Borland and Papa Josh are tied with 13 days off.
Jason
Okay, so that. So that doesn't even count.
Andy
The falcon. The falcon is nine.
Jason
No, because he hasn't even. I know.
Andy
His is for the following year.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Okay. Okay. So this is the rest of this year.
Andy
Yeah, the rest of this year.
Jason
Okay. All right, that's fair.
Andy
He does have his honeymoon scheduled for 11 business days off. Yeah, which. Man, we. We approved them all. Yeah, we approved the heck out of them.
Jason
This was for organization. This wasn't. For shame, but you bring a question like this, we go.
Mike
Shame.
Andy
Oh, that was. That was a devious question.
Jason
So let's take record setting. Let's take the second part of this question, which makes. I don't know where this comes from.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Or a place where you are loudly and publicly ridiculed for the tiniest mistake.
Andy
Now, that's a place I wouldn't want to work. Really?
Mike
I know. That's a. That sounds like a place where they get stuff done.
Andy
Well, I guess if I was paid there, I would, Right? But not for free.
Jason
No, I.
Mike
You. You. Light mode. Light mode.
Jason
Yeah.
Al
Thank you for getting to the meat of this question.
Mike
Dark mode. Get at it.
Andy
Guys, look burnt.
Mike
Why don't you just take the text and burn it into my retina so that I can see it for hours and hours and hours after I read it?
Andy
Don't be weird with your light mode only. You have to understand, the entire society has moved to a light dark. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I go with whatever the platform says.
Mike
We had it.
Andy
I'm not all dark mode. I'm light during the day and dark during the night.
Mike
We had it all figured out. And then some sort of millennial hipster shows up and they're like, mean.
Jason
I need the opposite of this, though.
Mike
That's what you guys are.
Andy
And then it'll be twice. It'll be twilight mode. It'll be breakfast mode.
Mike
Like, well, why couldn't I customize it? I need. I want my font green.
Jason
Like.
Mike
No, this is what it is.
Jason
Alien mode is better. Light is better. You normal, regular.
Andy
So you have your show dock up right now. What mode is it?
Jason
Oh, light mode, for sure.
Andy
I click the button, dark mode out. Don't you love me? Well, that's.
Jason
I will default it to dark.
Mike
I didn't know there was a tab. Welcome to light mode, show dog.
Andy
Oh, you just turned.
Mike
Yeah, I can see it's so much better.
Andy
I will not answer this question.
Mike
What is wrong with.
Andy
I will not answer this question?
Jason
I don't.
Mike
You light mode weirdos. You turn your night shift on at night too, baby eyes.
Jason
I will say this.
Andy
Yo, dude, can I deny some of these?
Jason
Yeah, you can go back in a red.
Andy
Okay, here's a new one. Would you rather. Would you rather cancel?
Mike
It's not my energy.
Jason
No, there's a good question.
Andy
Would you rather. Would you rather cancel Company days off, New Year's Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving or Christmas. Which two do you want to cancel?
Jason
I saw Gather cancel Christmas or New Year's. I saw some kind of study or something that was done talking about how like the closer you are to people, the more that you make fun of them. Like groups that. Groups that make fun of each other are happier with each other.
Andy
That's a fact.
Jason
And so I would much rather work in a place where you are loudly and publicly ridiculed for tiny little things because that means. That means you're close.
Andy
That's love.
Jason
Or you're working for an absolute monster.
Andy
The real question is who's been made fun of the least here? Because I'd be concerned.
Jason
Oh, that's a great question.
Andy
I'd be very.
Jason
Are we including programmers here? Because they don't really make the show often enough.
Mike
No, they're. They're more robots.
Andy
Right, right.
Jason
So of the.
Andy
Of the wall, I feel like it's pretty darn fair.
Jason
Yeah, we're, it's.
Andy
We're equal opportunity self esteem destroyers.
Kiana
Yeah, man.
Jason
We should really. We should get a leaderboard going for.
Andy
Don't you feel the most loved, Al? Sometimes.
Al
Sometimes I do.
Jason
I wonder how they do you all think that you are the most ridiculed because I wonder if that's how it comes across.
Al
I don't think I'm the most.
Jason
Okay. Okay. I want to. Let's go to.
Andy
Let's go to the Josh might feel the most.
Jason
Let's go to the Doosers. I want, I want to know genuinely from each of you who do each of you think is the most ridiculed? So, hey, they all think Papa John.
Andy
So does Papa John.
Jason
Okay.
Mike
Okay. Now by a show of hands with pointing from the deucer's alley, who is the ugliest Deucer? Oh, yeah.
Jason
Oh, get out of here. Get out of here.
Mike
Jeremy, you don't think that we've got
Andy
Falcon pointing at Josh. Josh pointing at himself.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
And I'll pointing at himself.
Mike
Yeah. Because he's just trying to get out of it.
Andy
We're learning a lot.
Jason
I think you're all three beautiful.
Andy
Well, the falcon said they're not the deucers. They're the seducers back there.
Jason
The seducers.
Andy
That's what, that's what the Falcon said.
Jason
All right.
Andy
That was the greatest question we've ever had to answer.
Mike
It was.
Jason
It was great.
Andy
And it got me so good because I just.
Jason
This is a brand new system.
Mike
We just read it at the end of the day. My show doc is now in light mode, and that would not have happened without that. This question.
Andy
We got time for one more hour.
Jason
Let's do. I assume you put that in there.
Al
It was actually a lunch table discussion.
Andy
Oh, my.
Jason
Great job. We have the best team.
Andy
I'm a little more concerned with that answer.
Jason
We have the best team. That was a great question.
Andy
Would you rather have a gravel and concrete backyard with zero plants? Okay. This will set the table.
Mike
We're doing the draft.
Andy
It'll set the table for the backyard.
Jason
But I'm gonna.
Mike
We're gonna give away picks.
Andy
Do you want me to skip this one, Al, or is it safe?
Al
I. I thought it was safe, but if you want to go to a different one, there's some more in there, I think.
Andy
I think it's more of a thematic thing, Mike. I think it'll work. Would you rather have a gravel and concrete backyard? So that's not a lot with zero plants, but a pool and a lazy river in the middle of the. So it's like just dirt and pool.
Jason
Okay.
Andy
Or a lush, green, picturesque backyard with no patio or pool?
Jason
Oh, this is very easy for me, and I think that it will be very easy for everyone, and I think we'll be on different sides.
Mike
Pool.
Jason
Pool, for sure.
Mike
It's not the pool.
Jason
Yeah, see? Exactly. But it's easy to make a decision.
Mike
At that point.
Andy
You're just looking through your windows.
Mike
I have.
Andy
Because you can't go out there without a patio or a pool.
Mike
I've had a yard.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
That was. I mean, it had, like, the default track home builder patio, so I had that, but then I just had pool, and the other half of the yard was completely destroyed.
Jason
Right. And you. Did you use the pool in the summer?
Mike
We. Yes, I did.
Jason
Okay.
Mike
It's not great.
Jason
No, I know it's not great.
Andy
You have a patio.
Jason
But I guess I'm thinking. I'm thinking in this situation, you don't
Andy
have a patio either. You can't go outside without the sun hitting your face.
Jason
I had a backyard.
Andy
You can't even have a cup of coffee without the sun hitting your face.
Jason
Okay.
Mike
Just a reminder that when you're in your sun or when you're in the pool, the sun will be blasting.
Andy
I know. I'm just thinking, if you don't have a pool and you don't have a patio, can you use your backyard at all?
Jason
Neither one of these are in Arizona. Neither one of these are perfect, obviously, which is why the question exists. But I have had if it's lush.
Mike
I've got shade.
Jason
I had a house where.
Andy
That's a good nuance.
Jason
We spent a lot of money in the backyard, and we had this, like, lush. We talked to landscape. We wanted it to feel like we were at a resort. We had some palm trees. We had elevation.
Mike
I like it.
Jason
Sunken fire pit, a barbecue.
Mike
Oh, he's doing all the draft picks for the.
Jason
No, I mean, look, I don't want you to question. No. Like, we don't know what's in a backyard. The people don't know.
Mike
They've never been.
Jason
And after we got this made, we never used it. We just never went and sat outside in the backyard.
Mike
But.
Jason
But when we had a different house, that was basically what you're describing. Where the backyard's small, but we got a pool. It just takes up the whole pool. We swam all the time. It was actually in the summer. It was actually used. I don't think here you just want. I don't want to go sit under a nice tree in my backyard.
Andy
Honestly, if the trees you're describing, you're describing a normal amount of happiness.
Jason
No, but, like, if I was going to a cabin and I'm in a forest and I sit outside in nature, that's different than just, I've got a lush backyard. I'm gonna go sit in my backyard. Look how beautiful it's. How beautiful can a backyard be?
Andy
Now I'm. Now you're just losing me, man. Yep, you're losing me.
Jason
So you think you can have a beautiful enough backyard to just want to sit in it?
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Really?
Al
What about presentation, too? If you're having people over for dinner
Andy
and they look out there, I got a lazy river.
Al
Barren land with some water or some
Jason
water, Some water flowing in a river.
Andy
No one's going to think you completed the job if you have a lazy river in a pool and nothing else.
Jason
But they're still going to want to get in my laser.
Andy
I mean, a lazy river is possibly a pick today.
Mike
It's February, Jason.
Jason
It's heated. It's a lazy river. You think I'm building a lazy river that I can only use half?
Mike
You have a third mortgage to eat your pool.
Andy
It's hot cocoa. Actually. It's not water.
Mike
Arizona is a strange place because you need a pool. You have to have access to water in the summer. And yet a pool when you're younger, it's different. But once you get, you know, old enough to be crotchety and complain, a pool is really usable from about June till maybe early September.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
And Then the rest of the time.
Andy
It does. It does come to mind how much money I spend to maintain it.
Mike
Oh, yeah.
Andy
For the limited amount of use a pool.
Mike
I've heard the. The phrase a pool is a lot like a boat. Yeah. You just want to know someone who has one.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
As opposed to having your own. It's fair because. But no, there's far more time here.
Andy
So you guys are on different sides. And I.
Mike
Give me the.
Andy
I have now been moved to the pictures in Arizona.
Jason
There's no way you can live without a pool. So I will go pool.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
All right.
Andy
We'll take a break. We'll come back with another game.
Mike
Use your pool.
Andy
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Jason
What time is it? Game time.
Andy
All right, we are, we are playing the second ever edition of we know History, which might be, it might be my favorite game. How many rounds do we play?
Al
We play five.
Andy
We shoot for five. Oh, this is even better. It'll be super fun.
Al
Last time we did four in a warm up round. So we can either do four or five.
Andy
So this is very fun to. Fun to play with at. Play along with us at home. Each round there are four things that have happened in the history of mankind. And our job on this show is to put together those four items in the order that they actually happened. Because we know.
Jason
Yeah, we do.
Andy
That's one of the things we know.
Jason
We know.
Andy
You know medals and we know history.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
And we know history so well. And so you listen here to know how to chronologically view it.
Mike
I have read round one.
Jason
Yeah, it's very.
Mike
We are in big trouble. So big trouble. Are we?
Andy
Are we in big trouble?
Jason
Some of these are.
Mike
Yep.
Jason
I thought one of these was by the pyramid. I don't know.
Andy
All right, round one, guys. Let's play. Let's go. And by the way, one point for every event you have in the right slot. And then if you nail all four, you get a bonus point for five total. So you get them all in the right order, you get a bonus point. Round one, the introduction of sliced bread. Got it. The introduction of Oreo cookies. Okay. The introduction of McDonald's.
Mike
Oh my gosh.
Andy
And the introduction of Coca Cola.
Jason
Oh, my goodness.
Mike
Classic, extra classic.
Andy
I imagine it is the original Coke.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
I'm not going to give you classic or not just original invention of Coca Cola. Now, round one in order. I have mine. I know you Guys are working on them, but. So the introduction of sliced bread, Oreos, McDonald's, and Coke in order. We do need to lock in before we announce. We'll take turns announcing.
Mike
My order is on my boogie board.
Andy
Mine is down.
Jason
Really?
Mike
Not pencils down.
Andy
And so since we're playing all these rounds, we'll just rotate who says it first. But we all have them locked in. I will start with, I think the fur. Oh, my gosh. I feel dumb now already. I'm going to go.
Mike
We'll go real quick for everyone. Reminder, introduction of McDonald's.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Oreos, sliced bread, Coca Cola.
Andy
I am going number one, Coke. Number two, bread. Number three, McDonald's, number four, Oreos.
Mike
All right, we have a difference of opinion. I went number one, Coca Cola.
Andy
Oh, oh, okay.
Mike
Then Oreos.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
Then bread, then McDonald's.
Andy
Okay. Are you keeping track of all this, Al?
Jason
Yep, I am.
Mike
Oh, I feel bad immediately.
Jason
I am kind of in the. I'm. I'm like, between you guys, we're all starting Coca Cola.
Andy
Oh, boy.
Jason
I think that was first. Then I went. Then I went sliced bread, Oreo, and McDonald's.
Mike
Oh.
Andy
So me and you have the first two, and then we just flipped our last two.
Mike
Yes, man.
Andy
What is the true answer?
Mike
Like, I got bread and McDonald's backwards.
Andy
What's the answer in history here?
Al
You, in fact, did not get anything wrong, Mike. And you got five points.
Kiana
Yes.
Mike
Game over, baby. It's done.
Al
Andy ended up getting only Coke, right? So he got one point, and that sucks. Got two points. Yes.
Jason
So McDonald's and Coke order.
Andy
Read Mike's order, because I hate him.
Al
Is Coca Cola, oreos, sliced bread, McDonald's.
Jason
Yeah, man.
Andy
So that's. We just had Oreos wrong.
Mike
Go with your gut, everybody.
Andy
I think it was about bread.
Jason
Bread was sliced. I got bread later than you think.
Mike
Yes.
Al
I'm gonna give you the years because we had a comment.
Andy
Figure out how to slice something.
Jason
That's what this should be. 1700s. Yes.
Andy
Coca Cola.
Al
1886.
Andy
So we all got that, right?
Al
Oreos, 1912.
Mike
That's crazy.
Al
Sliced bread. 1928. That's what McDonald's. 1955.
Jason
Okay.
Andy
So I just got Oreos.
Jason
I knew McDonald's was, like, in the.
Andy
It's not over. There's five rounds.
Jason
There's plenty of time.
Mike
But no, there's not the.
Jason
The 1928. Sliced bread is such a weird thing because the others are like companies, whereas sliced bread is just doing something. It's like someone sliced bread, but you need the.
Mike
You need the machinery to do it.
Jason
I mean, being like, sold sliced bread. It's kind of like bottled water. People used to bottle water, but they didn't sell bottled water until, like, in a grocery store until way so late.
Andy
By the way, you can now ask for time off with dark mode. It's done.
Al
All right, we got it done.
Mike
Round number two, give in.
Andy
I was just a couple lines of code. Round two. Here are the four things that happened. Put them in order. The Game Boy was released.
Jason
Oh, this is going to be a Mike special. Shoot.
Andy
I know the Tetris was released.
Jason
I don't know this crap.
Andy
Donkey Kong was released and Pong was released. So we got a four video game special.
Mike
I need a qualifier.
Andy
Oh, my gosh.
Mike
Donkey Kong, the arcade game.
Al
Stand by.
Jason
Oh, Mike. Mike knows this so well.
Andy
I mean, I have mine based.
Jason
I've got mine.
Mike
Sure.
Al
Yes. Arcade game.
Mike
Okay. Oh, man.
Jason
Oh, that makes me.
Andy
That one is a problem for me, too, because my. My brain was going to basically, like. Not Atari, but first. First system, Nintendo Kong.
Mike
Right.
Jason
And that's different because everything else is a system. So. But I guess.
Andy
All right, well, Mike gets to read them first. I feel pretty underwater here, so just.
Mike
So it's Tetris, Donkey Kong, Game Boy, Pong. I'm still filling out my order. You guys already have yours?
Andy
We do, I do. But I mean, if you want to tell me yours, I totally will copy it.
Mike
Okay, I'm going to. I'm going to go with my gut again.
Andy
Go ahead.
Mike
So we got. I'm going Pong, dk, Donkey Kong, Tetris, Game Boy.
Jason
That is what I have. Pong, Kong, Tetris game.
Andy
I have Pong, Kong. Pong, Kong, Game Boy, Tetris.
Al
Jason and Mike both got five points.
Mike
Oh, my gosh.
Al
Andy got two points.
Andy
Oh, man. I thought Tetris came out on Game Boy.
Mike
It did, but they had to secure the rights for a game that already exists.
Andy
Okay.
Al
All right, so we had Pong in 72, Donkey Kong in 81, Tetris in 84, Game Boy in 89.
Andy
Oh, that's a big five year difference.
Jason
I feel like what's funny is I had Tetris and Donkey Kong reversed until Mike asked.
Andy
Until Mike said his. I'm just kidding.
Jason
It was what Mike said it was. It was. It was Mike's doing.
Mike
Erase, erase, erase.
Jason
But it was once you said it was the arcade version. Because originally I was thinking, like, but
Andy
it was arcade version of Kong.
Jason
Yeah, but I.
Andy
But. Oh, you had Kong. Wrong.
Jason
I thought I had it. Tetris, and then Donkey Kong until Owl said, this is the arcade version of Donkey Kong, which I assume came way before console.
Andy
So I have some coming back to doing this battle.
Al
We got Mike with 10 points, Jason with seven, Andy with three.
Andy
Oh, boy. 10, seven, three. We still got time. This is why five rounds works, but I'm going to lose. All right, round three.
Mike
Oh, my gosh.
Andy
The debut of Star Trek. Okay, I'm gonna try a new strategy here. Number two, the Beatles first appear on the Ed Sullivan Show.
Mike
Oh, my gosh.
Andy
Number three, the opening of Disneyland. And number four, Hawaii becoming a state.
Jason
Oh, man, that one.
Andy
See, I've got a. My strategy has failed me because these items, these. These events are very close together.
Jason
Oh, dude, one of them's not.
Andy
So this is. Man. Man, this is tough. I'm gonna go. Man. I think I'm not first, so I'm gonna just go.
Mike
Right.
Jason
I guess I'm first. Right?
Andy
But just. I'm not locked.
Jason
I wish I knew the answer to one of these.
Andy
All right, I got my list, and this is where I got to make up some hay, man.
Al
This is.
Andy
This is wide open, but I am frightened.
Jason
How you doing, Mike? Are you locked?
Mike
No, I have my list. I'm locked. And it is. This feels, like, very shameful to be an American.
Andy
You're two for two so far on the five points. So, Jason, you get to read your locked list first. Lucky guy, dude.
Jason
The Hawaiian becoming Hawaiian.
Mike
Hawaii is everything.
Jason
It is. And I feel like you want to say that that was forever ago, but I know it was the. It was the 50th, right? Or was it Alaska? I don't know. We were 48.
Andy
Don't compound your hideously. Go ahead, read it.
Mike
Read it.
Jason
I know Disneyland is first because they've celebrated 100 years.
Andy
So number one, then I'm going to
Jason
Hawaii, then I'm going Trek, then I'm going Beatles.
Andy
I don't like when part of you reading your list is proving why I'm wrong in some of my lists.
Mike
All right, I will say I have nothing to do with Jason's list.
Andy
I have Hawaii first. Disney 2, Star Trek 3, Beatles, 4.
Mike
I went Hawaii. Disney, Beatles, Star Trek.
Andy
So me and your similar.
Mike
Disneyland is not 100 years old, by the way.
Andy
No, I can't celebrate it.
Mike
They're in, like, 70 or something.
Andy
Yeah, that's what I was thinking. All right, maybe you're wrong. Maybe we're wrong.
Mike
Mike.
Al
Andy finishes the round with zero points.
Mike
Oh, no.
Jason
Oh, no.
Mike
That means Hawaii's not first.
Al
Jason and Mike, both got two points. They just got them in different.
Mike
Okay, okay, okay. Well, no, we'll take that. We'll take that.
Andy
Utter disaster. I'm removing dark mode from the employee portal.
Jason
What is the.
Al
Just a couple lines of code you guys order. The correct order is Disneyland.
Mike
Thank you.
Al
1955 didn't celebrate 100 Hawaii yet Hawaii became the 50th state in 1959.
Mike
That's so insane.
Andy
The Beatles, Disney's first year. 55.
Al
55.
Jason
So I just had tracking Beatles backwards.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
And I had Disney, Hawaii, backwards, Beatles.
Al
1964 on the Ed Sullivan show. And Star Trek debuted in 1966.
Mike
So I knew Hawaii was. Was my bugaboo.
Andy
My strategy was to write the decades next to him. And like all my decades were right and my order was completely wrong.
Al
This one was the tightest one of all of them as far as the grouping.
Andy
Gosh dang it.
Al
So I am the next one. You're gonna have a lot more breathing room.
Andy
I don't care. I'm done.
Jason
You gotta just hope that Mike and I know nothing about history round. But the problem is we.
Mike
You must know everything History.
Andy
So what is it, like 100 to 75 to 2?
Al
It's any of two people's game.
Andy
Okay.
Al
It's Mike with 12, Jason with 9, and Andy with 3.
Mike
It was so cruel the way that
Andy
you said Andy has got. And then I thought you were going
Mike
to say I loved it.
Jason
Yeah. Well done.
Andy
Round. Number four. Columbus sails to the Americas.
Mike
Okay.
Jason
Oh, man. Isn't there a song where I'm supposed
Mike
to know this, but we're not going to talk.
Jason
What are the lyrics?
Andy
Oh, my gosh. So Columbus.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
Sales to the Americas. Number two is the signing of the Magna Carta.
Jason
Dude, I just read all four of these. This is a pure guess from me. I am like, if you put these in a hopper. I just should. I should write it down. The order I'm reading. I don't even know.
Andy
And the Magna Carta. We all know what that is, Jason. But just for important document number three, the invention of the printing press.
Mike
Okay,
Andy
that was Gutenberg, Right? And number four, Steve Gutenberg. Yes, Jobs Gutenberg. Number four, the painting of the Mona Lee. This is unfair.
Jason
This is wild. Wild. So Columbus sails the ocean blue. And something two. Oh, I need the first three digits.
Mike
It would be a shame if you didn't know him.
Jason
Okay, so the invention of the printing press, obviously. Well, I guess so.
Andy
He's really working at it.
Jason
I know. 1776 is the year that America was Formed and Columbus came obviously well before that. So I've got a little bit of
Mike
a barometer anytime before that.
Jason
Anytime from 0 to 0 to 1775. Well, 2.
Mike
He knows there's a 2. So anywhere from year two.
Jason
Right. Because it could have been Columbus sailed the ocean blue and0002. Right. Like, yeah, it could be.
Mike
It could be.
Andy
Gosh,
Mike
this is redonk.
Andy
It's not easy for us either, Jason. Oh, man, man, man, man. I've got mine locked, but man, they're not good.
Jason
This is where I'm. I'm telling you guys, I'm gonna get four for four here.
Andy
Oh, you will.
Mike
Wait, you will.
Andy
Who's the first one? Me.
Jason
Yeah, I believe that's correct.
Mike
Yeah, yeah, you're. You're up. Okay, I have my list. I'm locked.
Andy
I've got Magna Carta one, Columbus, two press, three, Mona, four.
Mike
I'm going. Wait, wait, wait.
Jason
Say that again.
Andy
Magna Carta 1 printing press or sorry, Columbus 2 printing press 3 Mona Lisa 4. Are you the complete opposite?
Mike
I am. I have no matches. Oh, good. I'm Columbus.
Andy
It's my best chance of coming back.
Mike
Columbus. Yeah. Magna Carta, Mona Lisa printing press.
Jason
Oh, man, I'm. So we're going to get some different points here. I'm starting with Columbus as well. Okay, then I'm going printing press, then the Magna Carta, then Mona Lisa.
Andy
So.
Mike
Owl. This is embarrassing, dude.
Andy
I think Magna Carta was first.
Al
Magna Carta was first.
Mike
Boom.
Andy
By a lot. By. It's 12. 10 or 12.
Al
Did you just Google it?
Andy
Oh, yeah.
Jason
After. After.
Andy
I mean, I was just like. I. Let me tell you what I googled, okay. What is the Magna Carta?
Mike
That's what I know, I know. 1500.
Jason
My process just so everyone crap is. I thought, well, this is an American document signed. It's got to be after Columbus, not an American document. It's clearly not.
Mike
What is the Magna Carta it does have.
Andy
I never figured that out.
Mike
Just some foundations of democracy into it.
Andy
So wait, so I got National Royal
Al
Charter of Rights agreed to by King John.
Andy
You didn't have that first, did you?
Mike
No, I did not.
Andy
Excellent.
Mike
I have two. Two.
Andy
So what was number two?
Mike
Columbus got to be two.
Al
Number two was the invention of the printing press.
Mike
Oh, no.
Andy
Is that 14 by Gutenberg? Yeah.
Al
So I'm giving you a half point for that.
Jason
Oh,
Mike
I got zero then.
Al
And he got two and a half points.
Andy
Okay.
Al
Mike got zero points. Oh, Jason got two points.
Jason
So I'm a point away from Mike.
Andy
Baby, that's right. 12.
Al
11. 5.5.
Jason
That's right.
Al
Do I 12, Mike with 11. 5 with 11.
Andy
And last rounds were double. Right.
Mike
How did that happen?
Jason
What do you mean?
Al
You had 12 and you got no points, so you have zero.
Jason
It was 12 to nine and then I scored two.
Andy
So I still have the same amount you had before.
Mike
Okay, Yeah, I didn't realize.
Andy
But this is double. Double points for the fun of it.
Jason
You wish.
Al
Not this one.
Andy
So I'm toast.
Jason
Yeah, it's this. Why don't you just do your silly little thing, Mike, and I.
Andy
Let me submit this into the grown up. Let me. Let me submit this as an actual rule for the next time. Okay? If you go over four, there should be a penalty.
Al
I like that.
Jason
If you get.
Mike
I'm not sure if you want to do that.
Andy
You get minus one. All right, round five.
Al
So you have four and a half points.
Andy
Well, no, next time. All right, I'm aware I made that error. Magna Carta for the win. Round five, Sputnik.
Mike
Okay.
Al
Oh, actually, real quick, because again, I got. I got some notes Last time. People want to hear the correct answers and the years, so.
Mike
Okay, real quick.
Al
Magna Carta was 1215, man. Printing press, 1440. Columbus sailed the ocean blue in the year of 1492.
Jason
I knew it. Where's my half point?
Al
That painting of the Mona Lisa was 1503. Man.
Mike
I had that very wrong.
Al
All right, round five.
Andy
The launch of Sputnik, the Russian satellite. Satellite.
Jason
Thank you for telling me what that was, because I did not know.
Mike
Number two, it was the first satellite to go to space.
Andy
MLK's I had a Dream speech.
Mike
Okay, that was a very famous speech. Jason Martin Luther King Jr. For civil rights.
Jason
That one.
Mike
I am aware.
Andy
Number three. The first cell phone was made. Those are those pocket devices. They used to have cords.
Al
The first cell phone call was made.
Andy
First cell phone call. Thank you. And number four. Sesame Street.
Mike
No way.
Andy
That is the bagel shop.
Mike
No way.
Jason
That's gonna be the problem for me. Is the Sesame Street.
Mike
No way. How is Sesame street in this list?
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
No, well, I have my list, but Mike is the one that has to go first.
Mike
You're. Well, I'm. I haven't written anything down.
Andy
That's fine.
Mike
Why don't you just.
Jason
I've got three of the four. I feel confident at three of the four, but I don't know where in the world to put Sesame Street.
Mike
What?
Andy
Feel like That's. I mean, just a.
Jason
It feels like it. After everything, it feels like.
Andy
I feel like Sesame street has been around longer than we think.
Jason
Well, of course. That's the whole. I think that's the trick here of the game. It feels like Sesame street came after all those things for sure, but probably didn't.
Andy
But. But then again, cell phone first. Real cell phone. Could have been a long time earlier, too. Yeah, yeah.
Jason
The first one is. There's probably hours, for sure. It's the size of a car.
Mike
I am struggling here, man. Hold on. I got to figure out the fourth one that I got to put in here.
Jason
I just squeezed.
Andy
Squeeze some items in between other ones.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
No, go ahead, Mike.
Mike
There's no way.
Andy
All right, Mike, you got to answer now, man. What happened first, Mike? I don't know.
Mike
I feel like we're.
Jason
I'm praying Sesame street was first.
Mike
That's what I'm putting.
Jason
I put it first.
Mike
I put it first because I have no idea what. I feel like I'm in a trap. Okay. I'm going Sesame Street, Sputnik, cell phone, mlk.
Andy
Wow. My order is completely different. Jason.
Jason
I'm going Sputnik. Mlk, Sesame street cell phone.
Andy
I have the same as Jason.
Jason
All right. Smart man, Mike.
Mike
Zero points.
Jason
Zero points.
Al
I knew Jason and Andy. Five points.
Mike
Yeah, yeah.
Al
We had Sputnik in 57.
Mike
Yeah.
Al
MLK speech in 63. Sesame street in 69. The first cell phone call. 73 you got.
Mike
I felt like it was a trap.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
And that, like, the order that made me.
Andy
That's the most. Me into third.
Jason
That's what.
Mike
It's the most logical order that you just read. Like, of course that's it.
Jason
But I had written down the decades and the event of the other three spot Nick was the cell phone. But then I was like, where's Sesame Street? So I just jammed it in. Jammed it in. I was like, it can't be lag.
Mike
I think Jason won. Yep.
Al
Jason ended with 16, Mike with 12, Andy with 10 and a half.
Jason
Who won last time?
Al
I don't know.
Andy
I'll let you know. I think Mike won. I think Mason. Oh, was it you?
Mike
Sure, it was me.
Jason
I remember me. You remember the wins?
Mike
No. History.
Jason
We know history.
Andy
You probably did, which is. I mean, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I would expect you to be the biggest loser here.
Jason
Thank you, man.
Andy
Because you were like, it has a 2 in it.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
So it's a bit of a trick,
Jason
but I got half point more than you want.
Mike
I got tricked there. I tried to out trick the trick. I should have just answered it. For real.
Andy
All right, we're gonna take a break. We'll come back with the draft.
Jason
Okay. I'll give bad news after the break.
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Jason
Start your free trial@shopify.com. The Spitballers draft.
Mike
Are you leaving the show, Jay?
Jason
That would be terrible news. No, I've got better news than that, but it's still bad news for you and I.
Andy
What's that?
Jason
I tweeted out, if you could only have 100% of this at all times, what would you prefer? Light mode or dark mode? Oh, yeah, because 333 votes in, 83% dark mode.
Andy
Yes, because listen, you guys.
Mike
Why?
Jason
Because there's a bunch of kids out there voting no.
Andy
Why? Because it's like, listen, Jason hates the light. Like, he doesn't like it when I turn the lights on. Has he noticed the fact that the other eight employees in the office always have the lights off every morning? Wait, people don't want.
Jason
You said it opposite. I hate when you turn lights off. I love the light on.
Andy
Yes, he loves the light on. He likes light mode in real life. Irl. Light mode.
Jason
Yes.
Andy
Everybody else in the office, you notice, we'll just leave the lights off because our screens are already lit. That's the philosophy behind it. You get dark mode at night. You either have your face lit up by all white or you have just letters lit up.
Mike
So that episode of Game of Thrones, like the huge fight north of the wall where no one could see nothing. You guys love that. You guys thought that was the best episode of television ever.
Andy
One amazing ingenuity on the argument. Spectacular reference to the one time that we didn't like dark mode. I agree.
Mike
What are you doing with your TVs.
Andy
83% says the whole story. And I have to. We're a two. All three of us own this company. It's crazy. And we have a pretty standard rule. If it's not something of an insane consequence, two thirds wins it.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
So these two guys. I had to change our whole entire. This is your employee portal, right? This is where you guys submit your days off, of which we've approved 100% because we're really awesome. Now there's another whole part of this website where I keep track of the employees information. We have stats and our data and documents. We talking about a robust site. It was all dark mode when I made it, buddy. Guess what I had to do?
Mike
Yeah, you had to fix the whole
Andy
stupid thing to light mode for.
Jason
Thank you for Grandma and Grandpa over here.
Andy
I guarantee you, if you pull grandparents to go say light mode for 100%
Mike
of it, they won't know what that means.
Jason
That's true.
Mike
Our original Fantasy footballers website was originally in dark mode and we had to change it because it wasn't good.
Andy
Oh, broadly, it wasn't good.
Mike
Yeah, baby. We went to light mode.
Jason
I'm pretty sure people could read it.
Andy
I'm pretty sure we were a pretty good success with that dark mode. And ever since we changed it, we were really plateauing.
Mike
I'm being serious. When things are like, if it's the black screen and the white font, it burns. Like, I can. I can just blink and I can see the entire paragraph.
Andy
But that's a you problem.
Jason
It is. It's an us problem.
Andy
But I mean, like, if you get a Kindle and you're reading a Kindle at night, most people are throwing that onto the inverted mode because it's less eye strain, it's less invasive.
Jason
But if you get a book, they print it on light mode pages.
Andy
Yeah. You want to know why?
Jason
Because it makes sense.
Andy
You have to have a light behind you to light it up.
Jason
If you. If they could have dark paper and print white text, they would never do that.
Mike
No.
Andy
It'd be awful ink.
Jason
No, no, no.
Mike
That's cost of goods.
Jason
I'm saying if it costs. If it costs the same.
Mike
Haven't we thought about not dying the whole page black? We will save millions.
Andy
We got to move on real quick.
Al
I'm going to set the record straight. Last time we did, we. We know history.
Jason
The record straight.
Al
Yeah.
Jason
I said I was the one.
Andy
Was it Mike?
Al
It was a tie between Jason and Mike. We didn't have a tiebreaker. So it ended 8, 8, 6, last.
Andy
So really, all you did was highlight. I'm last twice.
Al
That is correct.
Mike
So doesn't know history.
Jason
Well, it's called we know history. It's Mike and I. We know history and which color mode you should use on your computer.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
All right, so I'm up for.
Andy
Yeah. We are drafting, by the way, build the perfect backyard. You're. You're picking four items for your perfect backyard. I love this because it's going to be very subjective. It's going to be very. Everybody has different things that they think are important. And honestly, different parts of the country probably care about different things more. Like out here, we've talked about some things that are very important, but. Mike, go ahead.
Mike
Yes. And we had the question where I was saying, if you have only one or the other, I'm going to go against the pool. But because I will have multiple things, I will be drafting.
Jason
Ultimate pool. Of course.
Mike
Ultimate pool. I get other stuff.
Andy
Yeah, the pool. The pool is.
Jason
But it's. It's the most important.
Andy
It is the most important here. It is not the way across the United States by any stretch. I mean, most places do not. It's not very common to have a pool. And that's why community pools and country clubs and stuff are more. Or ymca, whatever. You go. You Public pools. But I get it. So the pool number one pick. It makes sense. Jason, you are up.
Jason
The pool is a fantastic.
Mike
Ultimate, ultimate pool.
Jason
Ultimate pool. Yeah. Because honestly, pools aren't all the same. A play pool versus a play. Like a diving pool with a grotto and a waterfall. Like, come on.
Andy
We're drafting all kinds of pools.
Jason
Yeah. Yeah.
Mike
Just think, like, you know that cool stuff you like in a pool. It's in. You got it in the ultimate pool.
Andy
Ultimate pool.
Mike
That's what I drafted.
Jason
That's not a thing. You don't go.
Andy
Sir, would you like to order a pool or you're more in the mood for an ultimate pool.
Mike
When you go to Jack in the Box, do you order a cheeseburger or do you want to get an ultimate cheeseburger?
Andy
Or you get a draft kit? Or.
Mike
Or an ultimate draft kit.
Jason
Yeah. No ultimate pool stands. I like that. Obviously, earlier you brought up the fact that you can't use it half the year.
Mike
Right.
Jason
So I will get something that I actually use far more than my pool.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
It is an ultimate hot tub.
Mike
I am in at. Son of a gun old man Mike.
Jason
Yeah. Hot tub is so much more valuable. I have a pool and a hot tub attached, and I don't ever go in the pool. I go in hot tubs and year round because I don't even if it's hot.
Mike
Oh, I don't care.
Jason
I don't need it.
Mike
I'll be hotter.
Jason
I still have the jets on my cool water.
Andy
I was going to take hot tub.
Mike
Oh, man.
Andy
But I didn't think. I hadn't even crossed my mind to take the ultimate hot tub.
Jason
Yeah, me either. Until hearing about all these ultimate draftkids.
Andy
I'm not gonna stoop to those levels. But I will say my first pick is gonna be the ultimate grill.
Mike
Oh, the ultimate.
Jason
The ultimate grill. It's got a flat top. It's got gas, it's plumbed. This ain't no propane tank.
Andy
It has got it all, boys. My backyard is.
Jason
What's the ultimate backyard?
Andy
I've got the ultimate grill, obviously. And here we are.
Jason
We've got another, like, everything has to be the ultimate. Now, I know I'm looking at things on my list maybe. Only I want you to know it's like a really good version.
Andy
It's not the bad version. It's not the cheap version of it.
Jason
It's the ultimate.
Andy
Okay. I'm going to follow up the ultimate grill with something that we use so much, and I think if I use it so much in Arizona and love it so much, most parts of the country are going to use it even more. I'm going to take the ultimate fire pit.
Mike
Oh, yeah.
Andy
And this is no run of the mill.
Mike
Oh, no. It's just a top cheer.
Andy
This is the kind that's got the real good fire in it. And the chairs are so comfortable. And my goodness, do they have cup holders? The ultimate fire pit.
Mike
You won't even believe how many cup holders we.
Andy
We are going hardcore ultimate here.
Jason
All right, I'm.
Andy
I feel good with this. I had third and fourth pick. I feel good.
Jason
Yeah, it's. It is all right. But you really left me something great. Because in the ultimate version of this, the fences are high, the LEDs are bright, and I've got multiple sports I can do on my ultimate sport court.
Mike
Yeah. Okay. That's backyard. I mean, great pick.
Jason
If I had to pick only one, it would have been basketball. Even though I love pickleball more. But you're the kids. I can do all of them.
Mike
I mean, it's just a regular sport.
Jason
No, it's an ultimate sports court.
Andy
Can't do sandbox volleyball on it.
Jason
No, I can't do it, but I
Andy
can do regular volleyball. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Jason
Bust up Them knees.
Andy
All right, it's back to Mike, and we are really building some ultimate backyard.
Jason
I like.
Andy
He already put the ultimate prefix in for the rest of our picks in the.
Mike
That's very presumptive of you.
Jason
I mean, probably right.
Andy
We might draft the better than ultimate items.
Mike
Ultimitter.
Andy
Yeah. Mike, you have a. You have the ultimate pool so far.
Mike
I got the pool.
Andy
Jason's got a hot tub in a sport court. I've got a grill and a fire pit if I'm in.
Mike
The only thing that's going to make a Arizona night in the ultimate pool better is I'm watching a movie on my ultimate outdoor projector. Movie setup. I don't know what you want to call it.
Andy
So you're watching a movie, an outdoor movie or sports. So you're just invasive to the neighbors, Just blasting the.
Mike
Well, I mean, it's an ultimate backyard. It's pretty big.
Andy
So is that. Technically, you get the screen and the projector, then, yeah, you get a double because ultimate.
Mike
Yes, of course we draft a screen. No, that's ridiculous.
Andy
You do have two books in a row.
Mike
And then the only thing that's going to get me out. Oh, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, Whatever. Screw it. The only thing that's getting me out of the pool is to take a quick trip to my ultimate bar. My ultimate tiki bar, ladies and gentlemen.
Jason
Ultimate tiki bar is nice.
Mike
Well, it's got to be theme.
Jason
Well, it's only top shelf. Yeah. There's no plastic bottles.
Mike
Imagine having a bar outdoor when you could have a tiki bar.
Andy
Oh, yeah.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
You want.
Mike
I mean, there. What? There's torches.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
There's dole whip.
Jason
I don't know, man. Disney.
Andy
Disney.
Jason
Disney ruined the tiki bar for me. Just.
Mike
What do you mean? Because they. You can't do it. That's not the tiki bar.
Jason
You say the tiki bar now. Now that's in my head, and I want to kill myself.
Mike
You haven't been to enough good tiki bars, then.
Jason
I haven't been. I've. I've been to the tiki bars.
Andy
Have you been to a lot?
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Oh, okay.
Mike
Oh, tiki theme bars are everywhere. It's always a good time. It's. It's especially good if you want to get all the diseases of your friends, because you're like, right? You're like, give us this. And they bring the bowl out in four straws, and you're like, kiss each other.
Jason
Let me watch. All right, I'm up. I'm Going, look, this has been the.
Andy
You get to skip a pick.
Jason
No, no, this is. This is too good. I can't believe it's left here for me. I've got my sports court, which takes care of volleyball. Takes care of basketball.
Andy
You big volleyball guy, you. Bet you play a lot of volleyball, Jay?
Jason
My kids might.
Andy
Your kids might.
Jason
My kids might.
Andy
They won't.
Jason
Good resale value, though. So, you know.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
Just so you know, Ultimate Pool. We're playing volleyball.
Jason
Well, sure. I mean, just.
Andy
If you had taken Ultimate Sandbox, you could have played.
Mike
Yes.
Jason
I don't know if there's an ultimate version of this, which is kind of sad. It's just having one is its own nice version. It's a nice. But I'll take the ultimate version. Don't get me wrong. I'm going to take the ultimate putting green
Andy
twice.
Jason
Taking my next pick, practice the putting, which, you know, cuts the strokes off
Andy
how often you use yours. You've had one for a while.
Mike
How's your putting game, Jay?
Jason
My putting game is getting better. It's got room for improvement. I do have a putting green in my backyard, and I have never once used it. Not one single time.
Mike
Well, it's because you have a regular.
Jason
So you're.
Mike
If you had an ultimate.
Jason
Ultimate honest. Okay, so actually, you're not. You're genuinely not wrong. The reason I don't use it is because it is not ultimate enough. It's. It's flat astrotopher, and I feel like it's not going to. It's not going to play like a course. It's just like, if it was like an ultimate, like, you know, you might
Andy
want to give it a run. Yeah, maybe on my back. You've taken both of my picks, and I don't like you. My first pick here is going to be one of the best picks, guys.
Mike
Oh, wow.
Andy
And it was on the tip of my tongue until I kind of lost it. It's the ultimate sauna. Oh, into my backyard.
Jason
Yes.
Mike
Okay.
Jason
I am all about that.
Andy
Which in some ways, just walking outdoors in Arizona is sort of the ultimate sauna.
Jason
It's a dry sauna. So does yours have some steam? Then you can throw water on the rock?
Andy
Yeah, of course. It's the ultimate.
Mike
Wait, did you just say. Is yours a dry. So you can throw water on the rock?
Jason
No, I'm saying Arizona is a dry sauna. You walk outside, you're in a dry sauna. So in his sauna, he can throw water on the rocks. Have it be like a steam room. Now it's the ultimate version.
Andy
It is. It is a great.
Mike
But you're very boxed off from the. What's going on out there.
Andy
Yeah. I mean, because you want to relax.
Jason
Honestly, you're. You're not really. I mean, a lot of the ultimate saunas are glass. You can see everything.
Al
You can see.
Andy
And they can see you sweating your buns off. My final pick, because I can't have a putting green, which I really wanted, and Jason made a great pick with that one. I'm going to give it up to the kids because frankly, there's just nothing more. You know, normally when you buy kids something, it's popular, it gets used and then it's forgotten. That's like the 95% of what you buy. Children. It's a waste of your money. The one item that I've ever bought my kids that has been used for all of eternity, no matter how old they've gotten. And obviously in my backyard, all of the ultimate one. It's the ultimate trampoline. Yeah. I have to give it up. We can get on it as adults and have a good time, but for the kids, they just don't get bored of the trampoline. So I'm going ultimate. It bounces higher even when there's probably a basketball hoop in it.
Jason
When they're older, like when my kids became teenagers, it just became the place to go sit with friends. They would just go out, sit on the trampoline because it's got the net around them. Feels like they're like secluded version of the treehouse. Yeah. Basically.
Mike
Have you guys. So ultimate, though, I don't even know what to call it other than the ultimate trampoline. But have you been on a true, like a higher level gymnast type of trampoline? So we have this.
Andy
I've seen them.
Mike
We haven't. Well, I was. We have an indoor play place here in Arizona called ktr. Oh.
Andy
That's called the ankle breaker.
Mike
And I, you know, I grew up with a trampoline. I'm a regular. I know what they do. Holy crap. No, no, no, no. Your outdoor trampoline does not get anywhere close to this. This trampoline, you can. Like an outdoor one. You're like, if I'm jumping up six feet, you're like, I'm very flying.
Jason
Yes.
Mike
Not on this thing. These trampolines, you're like, you can. You watch the kids and they're going like, they're touching the roof. They're touching the, like the 20 foot roof or something.
Andy
You know, they have A full time nurse.
Mike
Yeah, I would imagine because of the amount.
Jason
I didn't know that.
Andy
But broken bones and ankles, that makes 100% sense.
Jason
Very grateful to hear that.
Andy
Oh, yeah, yeah. You sign away a lot when you. You say you want the ultimate trampoline experiments.
Mike
You signed the ultimate waiver.
Andy
So I got the grill, fire pit, sauna, and trampoline. Jason, you have the ultimate hot tub, sport court, putting green, and you have another pick.
Jason
I thought about a couple of things. I currently have like chicken coop or a vegetable garden. And I realize I don't use. Those aren't very. And they are not. There's no ultimate. No ultimate vegetable garden. Maybe you can eat for a day, once a year. These guards. I don't understand how people can feed themselves from.
Andy
You need a field.
Jason
I do apparently need a field instead. We host a lot of parties, we have a lot of events, and usually there's a ton of people. It's like fun time. So you can't have as much fun in your backyard if you don't have the ultimate outdoor speakers.
Mike
Oh, that's a good one. That's what turns it into a party. That's a good one.
Jason
You know what I mean? It's like, oh, what are you gonna play on a sport court with no music in the background?
Andy
That's a good pick. J. I thought you were going to say the ultimate stacking chairs because you had a lot of people coming over.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
But you went sound.
Jason
They stacked so high. You go 12 high.
Andy
Mike, you have the pool, the backyard theater, the tiki bar, and you're going to wrap it up with.
Mike
Oh, man, I thought trampoline was going to make it bad.
Andy
Oh, was that going to be on your list?
Mike
It was.
Jason
Can I interest you in a zipline?
Mike
I do. The zip line is very, very high.
Jason
I didn't take it because I didn't have the pool. Am I going to zip line in my hot tub?
Mike
I think you're only here for the zip line.
Andy
So you have to finish the zip line. You have to be into the pool.
Jason
Of course. Otherwise it's a. It's not ultimate.
Mike
No, that's true.
Andy
Mike is struggling.
Mike
It's the best. It's the best of what I can.
Andy
But now it's just.
Mike
You just.
Andy
You're just taking Jason's thing.
Jason
Yeah, man. Have an idea for yourself.
Mike
Fine. No, I'm gonna take him.
Jason
I'm taking the ultimate zip. Yeah, I'm coming.
Andy
I mean, either of you guys ever had to hang a zip line up? What?
Jason
No. No, you pay people.
Mike
I'm not an engineer, bro.
Andy
I've done this. It's not easy.
Jason
Yeah, of course. That's why I wouldn't do it.
Andy
Yeah, it was really difficult. I had to buy all sorts of tools.
Mike
I would hang up the world's floppiest zip line.
Jason
Yeah, I was gonna say, if I hung up a zipline, one, it wouldn't work. Two.
Mike
Limit. Two.
Jason
Three.
Mike
Could prolong.
Jason
I mean, if it works, it's a way bigger problem.
Andy
I bet Al has. Al, you've probably done that before.
Al
I have not.
Jason
Oh, okay. I got a job for you then.
Al
I didn't know people had their own zip lines.
Andy
Yeah, you can just go buy them online.
Mike
Well, when you have an ultimate pool,
Andy
all right, yeah, you just go buy them. And then you got to buy, like, seven different tools so that you can, like, tighten it tight enough.
Al
As long as you have that professionally installed. I'll come over. Sounds like a good time.
Andy
All right, that'll do it. Ultimate backyard. Man, did we ever.
Jason
What did we learn today?
Andy
What'd you learn? You guys learned something about Dark Mode? I learned that maybe a little Dark Mode lesson. I learned that my employees really like it.
Jason
Mike and I.
Mike
Yes.
Jason
No history.
Mike
Yes, Mike.
Jason
No history.
Andy
What'd you learn, Mike? Anything.
Mike
Go with your gut. Don't let Sesame street throw you astray.
Andy
Oh, you're still recording.
Mike
It was a trick question, and I fell for it.
Andy
Thank you for joining us. We'll be back with another episode next week of the Spitballers. Take care.
Mike
Goodbye.
Jason
Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to. Check out Spitballers pod dot com.
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Date: June 11, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason
Theme: Ridiculous hypothetical questions, workplace banter, and the ultimate backyard draft
In this award-winning episode, the Spitballers (Andy, Mike, and Jason) deliver their signature blend of clean, family-friendly comedy. The trio tackles wacky "Would You Rather" scenarios, recounts the struggles over workplace dark mode vs. light mode, battles it out in a rapid-fire history trivia game, and drafts their dream backyards. The episode is packed with playful ridicule, nerdy debates, and enough dad energy to power a suburban cul-de-sac.
[03:32-12:03] Would You Rather: Tech Future at War, or Peaceful 1700s?
“You are hiding from the robots... tomorrow, snap your fingers, AI has taken over. They’re going to kill me. I know that.” —Jason [05:30]
“I don’t know how people grow food, man... my basil, my thyme, my herbs are on point. I can season my meal. That meal is coming from Sprouts, that’s not coming from a backyard. It’s impossible.” —Jason [09:11]
“We look back and romanticize the simple time… Wouldn’t it be nice to just grow your food? But, no.” —Mike [10:19]
[12:14-24:43] Would You Rather: Light Mode Only or Public Ridicule at Work
“Why don’t you just take the text and burn it into my retina so that I can see it hours after I read it?” —Mike [16:11]
“Jason hates the light—he likes light mode in real life. IRL light mode.” —Andy [49:12]
[20:23-24:50] Pool vs. Lush Greenery
“A pool is a lot like a boat. You just want to know someone who has one.” [24:28]
[27:36-47:04] Trivia With High Stakes and Bruised Egos
“I know Disneyland is first because they’ve celebrated a hundred years!” —Jason, later immediately corrected [36:31]
“I tried to out-trick the trick. I should have just answered it, for real.” [47:19]
“Well, this is an American document signed… It’s got to be after Columbus! ...clearly not.” —Jason [41:53]
[52:23-66:33] Crafting the Dream Dad Yard
“It’s not the bad version. It’s not the cheap version. It’s the ultimate.” —Andy [55:22]
“It’s the one thing I bought my kids that’s gotten used forever, no matter how old they get.” —Andy [62:13] “You want the ultimate trampoline? You have to sign the ultimate waiver.” —Mike [63:50]
“I have never once used it. Not one single time.” —Jason [60:10]
“Thank you, man. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I would expect you to be the biggest loser here.” —Andy to Jason, on history trivia [47:12]
“We will all be robo murdered, okay? So get mine out of the way.” [05:56]
“The Falcon said, ‘they’re not the Deucers, they’re the Seducers back there.’” [19:48]
“83% says the whole story.” —Andy, citing his Twitter poll victory for dark mode [49:32]
This Spitballers episode epitomizes clean, high-energy, relatable comedy for all ages. The hosts riff on workplace quirks, history trivia, and backyard dreams with an easygoing roast-each-other style. Memorable for its “light mode vs. dark mode” office drama, honest confessions of gardening failure, and the universal longing for the ultimate dad yard.
For Spitballers fans, office warriors, and clean comedy lovers alike, this episode is a perfect mix of what makes this trio two-time Comedy Podcast of the Year.