Easy Dig Discounts & Worst Places to be Stuck Overnight - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast: "Mike’s Best Day & Things That are Orange – Spit Hits!"

Episode 325 — February 5, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

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Episode Overview

This raucous episode features the Spitballers trio — Andy, Mike, and Jason — plus a rare "scat" attempt from their producer, Papa Josh. True to form, the group delivers clean, fast-paced, and irreverent comedy, riffing on wild hypotheticals, dad observations, fantasy creatures, and the absolute worst places to spend the night. Nonsense and hilarity abound as they debate questions of power, honesty, nostalgia, and survival — all with their signature dad-joke banter.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

1. Papa Josh’s Scat Debut

[01:22 – 02:21]

• Papa Josh opens with a comedic “scat”, starting late and missing the beat, leading to friendly ribbing.
• “What he did because doing it late made it so great.” – Andy [01:49]
• “You get one shot. You get one crack, it gets in your head… and then you realize you're off rhythm.” – Andy [02:02]
• The guys joke about Papa Josh’s rhythm and tease the odds of him trying again before another 325 episodes.

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2. Would You Rather: Life of Comfort or Commanding an Army of Dwarves?

[03:20 – 10:14]

• Option 1: Free house, food, and all basic needs.
• Option 2: Command a loyal army of 1,000 dwarves (think Tolkien—4–5 feet, bearded, strong miners).
• Debates include:
  • Can dwarves provide everything you need, including electricity, food, house-building?
  • Logistics: “Four to five feet tall is not that short.” – Jason [05:13].
  • Business ideas, whether dwarves would sustain themselves, transport, and underground living.
  • The unique temptation of power over comfort.
    • “If my house cannot be… they can't generate enough revenue, I think I could take someone else's house with an army!” – Jason [08:07]
• Selections:
  • Andy & Jason: Army of dwarves.
  • Mike: Life of comfort.

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3. The Arizona ‘Caliche’ Pool Dig Conspiracy

[10:22 – 12:14]

• Local homeowners rarely have basements due to “caliche”, a hard rock justifying higher pool-dig charges.
• The guys suspect pool companies exaggerate the obstacle for profit.
  • “This is bull crap by Big Pool in Arizona…” – Mike [10:24]
  • “I hit a rock! Charge them quadruple!” – Andy [12:01]
• Laughter around occupational up-charging and local parent homeowner gripes.

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4. Would You Rather: X-Ray Vision vs. Truth Sense

[12:15 – 19:00]

• Option 1: See through physical things (walls, fridges, bank vaults).
• Option 2: See through figurative things (lies, fake promises, dishonesty).
• Extended banter about when X-ray vision would actually be useful (fridge contents, hide and seek dominance, traffic...), versus the psychological weight of knowing everyone’s real intentions.
  • “I don’t think I want to see through the lies, the fake feelings… I don’t know if we could handle as human beings knowing everyone’s genuine thoughts.” – Andy [12:32]
  • “It would be so incredible... Imagine living in a world where you know what is true and what is not true, man.” – Mike [14:44]
• Conclusion: They mostly lean toward the power to see through dishonesty, but with some reservations.

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5. Would You Rather: Mood-Matched Music or Instant Nostalgia?

[19:45 – 22:29]

• Option 1: Every song you hear perfectly matches your mood.
• Option 2: Every song triggers a specific forgotten memory or emotion.
• Nostalgia’s power is especially noted by the dads:
  • “It’s incredible when you put on a song that transports you right back…” – Andy [20:52]
  • “When it happens, it is real, it is powerful, it is emotional.” – Andy [21:12]
• They reflect on how music triggers memories as you age, not just emotion management.
• Selections: All hosts choose the nostalgia option.

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6. Would You Rather: Last Person on Earth (Solo vs. New Neighbors)

[25:17 – 31:39]

• Scenario: You're the last person on earth.
  • Option 1: One known companion.
  • Option 2: Every year, ten random people spawn beside you.
• Debates about loneliness, repopulation, logistics of survival, whether it’s even possible (or worth it) to keep living totally alone.
  • “I think that if you had one other person… you’re going to experience that same thing. It’s not enough people.” – Andy [26:52]
• Humorous tangents about trying to escape to Hawaii solo and the reality of navigating the world alone.

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7. Would You Improve Happiness or Diminish Sadness (for All Humanity)?

[31:44 – 35:31]

• A local wizard offers to either:
  • Increase everyone’s happiness in happy memories, or
  • Lessen everyone’s pain in sad memories.
• Philosophical reflection on what shapes us more — highs or lows.
  • “When you have sad moments, they teach you what happiness is… you don’t know happy without sad.” – Andy [32:35]
  • “I think it’s the sadness. I think you mitigate the sadness… studies I have seen have been: what’s more important, to think positive or to think negative less?” – Mike [34:28]
• Guidance from ChatGPT (!) tips the guys toward sadness mitigation as the more impactful global change.

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8. Finger Replacement: Knife, Lighter, Flashlight, Spork, or Sharpie?

[35:32 – 42:18]

• Choose one:
  • A built-in refillable lighter
  • A permanent 6-inch knife blade
  • A rechargeable 2000-lumen flashlight
  • A finger spork
  • A Sharpie that never dries up
• Hilarious speculation on logistics for writing, danger of a gigantic finger knife, and advances in candle lighting technology.
  • “That’s going to cause a lot of problems. It’s way too big. It’s not a finger-sized knife.” – Andy [36:30]
  • “My hand is basically a spork… It’s nature’s spork.” – Mike [39:55]
• Selections: Most hosts pick the flashlight for practicality/self-defense; no love for the spork or knife.

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9. Spitballers Draft: Worst Places to Be Stuck Overnight

[44:34 – 62:28]

Top Picks & Hilarious Analysis:

• Andy: Upside down on a roller coaster (“You are dead.”), haunted cemetery, jail cell, coffin (“My claustrophobia would not... I couldn't do it.” – Andy [60:14])
• Jason: Open ocean, tiny raft (“Just the size of the ocean, there’s nothing...”). War zone, top of Mount Everest, Amazon Rainforest (“You’re dead. The amount of things that will crawl on you while you sleep is unfathomable...” – Andy [58:38])
• Mike: Porta potty, ski lift, lion exhibit, abandoned hospital (“They're large and you're alone...the walls have seen many things.” – Mike [58:05])
• Laugh-out-loud detours debating whether you can “fall” out of a bed vs. “roll” out, how to survive upside down (spoiler: you can't for long), carnivorous Amazon ants, and whether a haunted house or boss’s office is more terrifying.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I just want an army. That’d be awesome.” – Jason, on the dwarf brigade [09:59]
• “Is that bull crap by Big Pool in Arizona?” – Mike, on ‘caliche’ & pool digging [10:24]
• “You don’t want to see through people’s lies? …Imagine living in a world where you know what’s true and what is not true!” – Mike [14:44]
• “If you're less sad, you're also happier, right? It is kind of a trick.” – Andy, on happiness vs. sadness [35:28]
• “My hand is basically a spork.” – Mike [39:55]
• “Could you fall asleep in that cemetery if that was your way out…?” – Jason, on the coffin challenge [61:47]

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Important Timestamps

• Papa Josh’s Scat Attempt: [01:22]
• Would You Rather — Dwarves vs. Comfort: [03:20]
• Arizona Caliche Pool Digging: [10:22]
• See-Through Vision vs. Detecting Lies: [12:15]
• Music: Mood Match vs. Nostalgia: [19:45]
• Last Person on Earth, Re-population Dilemma: [25:17]
• Wizard’s Offer: Boost Happiness or Diminish Sadness: [31:44]
• Super Finger Replacement: [35:32]
• Spitballers Draft: [44:34]
• Discussion: Falling off stuff (bed/bunk/Everest): [54:54]
• Draft Leftovers & Final Revelations: [62:39]

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Conclusion

This episode was classic Spitballers: absurd hypotheticals, side-splitting tangents, and whip-smart banter about the ridiculous minutiae of everyday (and fantasy) life. With topics ranging from literal armies of dwarves to controlling your musical memories and surviving the Amazon, the hosts deliver fast, accessible, and thoroughly clean comedy for the whole family.

If you ever wondered whether you’d prefer to command a thousand dwarves, trust your boss with your life in a basementless Arizona house, or whether your hand would be better off as an always-ready flashlight — Episode 325 is a must-listen.

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Transcript

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[A]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[B]

Skibidi. Bop bop.

[A]

Don't stop. I got the Riz and I'm late.

[D]

Not so, so easy.

[B]

He started so late.

[A]

This is why I'm not a musician. I was like, is his mic not working?

[B]

I thought so too.

[D]

I did hear like a click. Oh, no.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I think he could have gotten there if he just started on time.

[A]

Oh, man. I don't know what he did because doing it late made it so great.

[B]

Thank you, Papa Josh. And Jason, I'm sure, is the most I got.

[D]

The Riz was in there somewhere.

[A]

That was the whole point.

[B]

I did like that he finished it with I'm late. That's the hard part, Papa Josh, is that you get one shot. You get one crack, it gets in your head. You think, I don't want to get off beat. I've had times when I thought I knew what I was going to say. And then you realize you're off rhythm.

[A]

No, it's not so easy.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know if you got the Riz, but thank you for jumping in. Welcome to the Spitballers, episode 325, Papa Josh's debut. I would say every 325 episodes. He's good to go on the scat. It's another five years.

[A]

I'm guessing he's going to want redemption.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

The next two episodes, he could be.

[B]

Like a full time guy. Would you rather. That's a great question. And we are drafting the worst places to be stuck overnight. Worst places to have to spend the night is the draft on today's show. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for supporting the show. The website is spitballerspod.com you can learn how to become an official spitwad, submit your questions to the show, share your feedback with us, and support the podcast. If you enjoy it, go over to spitballerspod.com and become a spitwad. Let's get it going.

[A]

Would you rather.

[B]

All right, Brianna, from the website, or actually, this is from Patreon, says, would you rather have a free house, free food, and every single one of your basic needs completely covered for free?

[A]

Okay, so all necessities covered.

[B]

Yep. House, food, every basic need, or would you rather have an army of 1000 loyal dwarves who will do whatever you command?

[A]

Okay.

[D]

All right. What?

[A]

So an army, A thousand of them, and they do whatever I command?

[B]

Like, would you be able to get all your basic needs met with an army of a thousand small dwarves? How big is a dwarf just to define the term? Because I don't know, this is like.

[D]

Lord of the Rings stuff, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My axe.

[A]

Yeah. They got to have a beard. That's like rule. I mean, if they're at working age, they've got a long beard. Right.

[B]

How soon do dwarves get their beard? Is that puberty or is that from birth?

[A]

I got to think it's like 12. Like 12 years old. They got a big beard. And I imagine they live.

[B]

I mean, they live underground. Right? Dwarves, Mike.

[A]

Between.

[D]

Sorry, I'm on height. And they. Yeah, they live in the mountain.

[A]

Yeah. Or under the mountain.

[D]

Or under the mountain.

[A]

Yeah, in the mine.

[B]

But not under the ground. Right. There has to be a mountain above them for some reason. Even if they're down beneath the ground.

[D]

Level, they like mining.

[B]

Right. And mountains have a lot of.

[A]

Mountains are where the metal is.

[D]

Jason, you know this.

[A]

Of course I do. Of course, they call them metal mountains.

[D]

So, I mean, between four and five feet is what I am seeing.

[B]

What?

[A]

Between four and five feet. That's incredible.

[B]

At first I thought you meant beneath the earth is where they're all mountains. Not very far down.

[D]

According to author J.R.R. tolkien, dwar are on average between 4 and 5ft tall.

[B]

Yeah. They're subterranean. They're 4 to 5ft. 4 to 5ft tall is not that short.

[D]

No, it's fine.

[B]

I think in lore, dwarves, sometimes they could be smaller. They're always hefty, though. There's never a skinny. They're not a skinny dwarf. They're dick.

[A]

They're strong.

[D]

They're swinging that ax because of all the mining.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have to dig constantly.

[A]

Also think about. So if you've got a thousand. And I like that. It's called an army. I really do. Just means like, you know, it's not like a thousand workers. I've got a thousand soldiers, but they'll also still work. I feel like I can make a lot of businesses here.

[B]

That's what I was going to say. It's about business. Can you get the.

[D]

Hold on to that at all?

[B]

You got to get the revenue to get the free house, free food, basic needs met. I feel like the house. They take care of the house. A thousand workers, they'll build you an underground. You'll be insulated by the earth.

[D]

Are you okay with that, though? You want to live under the mountain? No skylights.

[B]

Can I get a skylight?

[D]

No way, man.

[B]

I wanted a skylight.

[D]

You can't have one.

[B]

Do I get lights at all? I mean, I get a. Yeah. It doesn't have to just be like a torch. Right. Can I run an extension?

[D]

Do they have electricity?

[B]

An extension cord?

[A]

Yeah, you can. You can. We're not.

[B]

This is modern day.

[A]

Yeah. This is today.

[B]

If I had a thousand doors down the street building me a house. Yeah, but I have an extension cord down there.

[D]

No, but, no, dwarfs can't handle electricity.

[A]

Oh, they. I feel like if they.

[B]

I handle the electricity. All right, I'll do that part.

[A]

You'll hire an electrician to help with all the dwarf management.

[D]

Smelting. They got that. No problem.

[B]

They got smelting. They'll carve it out for me.

[D]

But circuits and can they get me.

[B]

Are they good at wattage? Food?

[D]

Yeah. They can hunt. I'm sure.

[B]

What do dwarves do for food? No one ever talks about this.

[A]

There ain't things to eat under the ground, I imagine. They hunt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, they don't just live underground. They can. They can go outside.

[B]

The dwarves are going, how much?

[A]

Maybe not much. I mean, it's like, you know, how often. How often are you outside, Andy? How often are you outside?

[B]

What do you want? Like, amount of hours a day?

[A]

Yeah. How many hours a day are you outside? 24 hours a day. How many hours on an average day? Let's say in the summer.

[B]

Okay, not much.

[A]

Not much an hour. 0.1 hour in the pool. Right? Exactly. So it's like that's no different just because you live underground. They're gonna. They're gonna spend time outside when they need to spend time outside. One of these is gonna be my driver, right?

[D]

No.

[B]

Can you farm underground?

[D]

Dwarfs can't drive.

[A]

Dwarfs can't drive.

[B]

Four feet tall.

[D]

No, I don't. Four to five. I don't care about the height. I'm just going upon. This is what. What they actually know how to do.

[B]

A thousand of them could carry you everywhere.

[D]

That they could do.

[B]

They could carry you like a kind of a crowd surfing transportation model.

[A]

I'm gonna teach one to try.

[B]

You're gonna. Which one of you? Yeah, you just have to get them a small vehicle booster seat.

[A]

I do think that having an army would be worth it. And if I. Because they're an army, if my house cannot be, you know, they can't generate enough revenue, I think I could take someone else's house with an army, and then therefore I have a free house.

[B]

I just. Yeah. I mean, dwarves, to me, they're so mysterious. They're always hidden. No one knows they exist. That's how they survive. They're so little. I feel like they must get their food underground. I'm still on the food.

[D]

You're on the underground.

[A]

So they're only eating potatoes and onions and carrots?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

No, they're so sturdy. They got to be getting good protein.

[B]

Do you think they're taking down like a deer and bringing it back underground?

[D]

I think so.

[B]

Hmm. That's a long way to go. They don't have elevators and stuff, right?

[A]

No.

[B]

So you gotta walk out of the mine.

[A]

You said they don't know electricity.

[D]

Yeah, but you can make an elevator without electricity.

[B]

Oh, like a pulley system. Yeah. Jason, Jason, there was machines. Don't act too surprising.

[D]

There are machines. You're dumber. That don't use electricity.

[A]

What?

[B]

How do you think people got down into mines before they could install ladders?

[D]

Long ladder. Doesn't need a generator. Just needs something real heavy.

[B]

Okay, so we're going dwarves.

[A]

I'll take the army.

[B]

Charlie, from the website.

[D]

You're taking the army?

[A]

Yeah, I'm taking the army.

[B]

You don't want all those needs met, Mike.

[A]

I do.

[D]

I'm taking all the free stuff.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Jason wants the power.

[A]

I'm gonna get all the free stuff I want. With an army?

[B]

Would it have changed if I had just told you they're workers?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So the word army is what you.

[A]

Yeah, I want an army. That's fair. That'd be awesome.

[B]

Charlie from the website.

[D]

Your army's not taking over nothing.

[A]

My army's not going to do anything. I'm not going to send them to war or battle. I'm not going to hurt anyone. But I have an army.

[B]

You want to have.

[A]

Yes, I want to have an army.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes, that would be. I mean who of us among us.

[D]

Would not want just a thousand axe carrying dwarves?

[A]

Yeah. So long as I don't have to feed them. They self sustain, you know, they can feed themselves because that's a lot.

[D]

Right. But where, where are they gonna live here?

[A]

Underground. We had.

[D]

Digging here is very cold. We got that caliche or whatever it is.

[A]

Yeah. In Arizona. Hard to dig. No, basic.

[D]

Hold on. I got a question of the dragon. I got a. I got a question for you guys. Is that real?

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Or is this bull crap by big pool in Arizona where they're like, hey.

[B]

This is just a. Let me set the table. Because no one on earth knows what you're talking about.

[A]

This is a very geographically specific.

[B]

None of our homes. Very few homes. I won't say none. Very few homes have basements. A lot of places in the country people have basements. We also have lots of pools and very hard ground and granite and hard rock. And this rock that Mike is talking about is like caliche, which is a really dense hard rock that pool companies charge you 4x to blow out of the ground so that they can put a pool in.

[A]

And he says quote you one thing. Here's what they do. They come in and they say, I'm going to build this pool. I designed it. It's great. It's $20,000. This pool is $20,000. Now if we run into caliche, if we. I don't know if it's here or not. I just did your neighbor's pool. We didn't run into any.

[D]

Oh, that is in this area.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But if we run into it here, I've got to get different machinery. It's much a harder dig.

[D]

Yeah. It's now classified.

[B]

They literally call it a hard dig.

[D]

A hard dig.

[A]

Yeah. And so I'm gonna have to.

[D]

It's too hard for us.

[A]

I have to hire.

[B]

They give us an easy dig discount. They're not like this one was a breeze. Here's half off.

[A]

Yeah. He's like, I gotta hire twice as many dwarves to get this cool dog.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And it's gotta be complete nonsense. It's got. I mean everywhere he.

[B]

They're microscopically examining the soil. There's a little bit.

[A]

I hit A rock. I hit a rock. Charge them quadruple.

[B]

Yeah, no, that is a real thing.

[A]

They're all sham artists.

[B]

Not pool artists, as you normally would call them. You guys want to move on to the next question?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Charlie, from the website, would you rather be able to see through physical things, Clothes, walls, doors, or be able to see through figurative things? Lies, false promises, fake feelings, dishonesty.

[A]

Oh, man, this is so easy. Because I can tell you right now, I don't think I want to see through the lies, the fake feelings.

[B]

You want to live in your fake bubble. You want to live in a world where you are lied to.

[A]

I think in. Well, I do live in a world where I'm lied to. We all do. And I, like, I am not a proponent for lying or saying that that's good and right and that's how it should be, but it is the world we live in. And I don't know if we could handle as human beings knowing everyone's genuine thoughts. I just don't know if we could handle it.

[D]

It's not. You're not knowing.

[B]

You're not a mind reader.

[D]

You're not a mind reader. It is what they are sharing with you.

[B]

Like the. Let me give you a hypothetical example.

[A]

Okay, totally hypothetical.

[B]

Let's say you're meeting with a pool company and they say, yes. And they say to you, you know what?

[D]

And they go, we're charging you for.

[B]

A hard dig no matter what you say. That's the kind of company we run. Other companies might be honest. We're not. Would you like to hire us? That would be a situation where you could say, no, I do not. You're a liar. You're lying. You're faking me out. I want to hire somebody else.

[A]

But then you're going to get the next person that comes and they're going to say the same exact thing. And then the next person is going to say the same, and you're just going to be like, man, this sucks. This world sucks. Why is everybody bad?

[B]

You are. You already believe that. You already believe that. You already live in that world right now. You already believe that everybody's a liar. And that is not a world that's fun to live in. But you don't know.

[D]

You don't know which ones are not the liars because they're sprinkled through.

[B]

Some people are honest.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

There are honest people, hard workers.

[A]

I don't know about that.

[B]

The dwarves, for one.

[A]

Well, sure, yeah.

[D]

They can't lie.

[A]

Right. They have an honor system.

[D]

Yeah. So look, that's what I'm taking.

[B]

That would be to see through the kind of false promises, fake feelings.

[D]

It would be so incredible.

[B]

Yeah. You don't like pretense? You don't want some, like.

[D]

Well, I'm like, it's when you have that, it's literally you can trust everything you hear.

[B]

There would be so much you just, you know.

[D]

I mean, you're not actually hearing the truth, but you know the truth. Imagine living in a world where, you know, that would feel good. All you know what is true and what is not true, man. Like, that would be.

[A]

You're just saying you would know when people are telling the truth. You don't know everything that's true. It doesn't give you special knowledge.

[D]

But I know that. I know when it's a lie.

[B]

I don't even know how helpful seeing through walls and doors is.

[D]

I mean, it. Like, are you playing a first person shooter? I guess that would be because wall hacks are very good. I mean, I guess you could translate that into actual.

[B]

I mean, it just doesn't do me a lot of good to look at that, like, giant bank vault and be like, yeah, there is money in there. Like, I. I think I know there's money in there.

[D]

Where's the cash?

[B]

Right?

[D]

Oh, hold on. Let me use my X ray vision.

[A]

It's in the register. I found it.

[D]

That big thing Mark money.

[A]

It's in there.

[B]

Just so you know. I know how many twenties you got in there?

[A]

You know? Okay, let me. Let me tell you this. You're. You just glance over towards the kitchen and you're like, I don't know what's in the fridge. I can see. I know what's in the fridge from all the way from over here.

[D]

Now you don't have to pay for that stupid upgraded window, right? What is that thing all about?

[B]

Is that thing working out for the fridge companies?

[D]

I don't. It's so special.

[B]

We talk about the fridge with the window. You go, knock, knock, knock. You knock on the window. You see Mr. Fridge, you know, it's more valuable.

[D]

Would be there any milk in there?

[B]

Like a really good camera that you can just see everything on your phone?

[A]

Those. Those exist now. I. I don't have one of the. I do have the knock knock fridge.

[D]

You have a knock knock.

[A]

I have a knock knock fridge.

[D]

How often are you going knock, knock?

[A]

I don't use it. You never use it? I have never, ever. I mean, when I first got it, you had a novelty.

[B]

The knock knock fridge is this ability I could see through the front of my fridge.

[A]

Who cares? Except I gotta stand there. I gotta be right there.

[D]

This needs to be how the superpower works. You have to walk up to the wall and knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Mr. Money, are you in there?

[A]

Okay, hold on. Let's cut. I do want to figure out a good use case, essentially, for this X ray vision. Where would it be actually valuable?

[B]

I mean it.

[D]

When you're in high pressure, like war situations.

[A]

Which I don't find myself in.

[B]

No, I have an army. And you don't find yourself in war.

[A]

I told you, I.

[D]

The army takes care of that. Yeah, in the war.

[A]

No, no, but like, in our normal real life, when do I need to see through stuff? When would it be helpful? I'll tell you one thing that would be really helpful for me.

[B]

There's some traffic around the corner.

[A]

There's genuinely helpful. I am so comically a scaredy cat. Like, my reactions are absurd. Just the over the top, you know, the videos. You'll be scrolling reels and you'll see scare videos where people have these ridiculous reactions. That's me. That's me. Every time.

[B]

If your wife just filmed those, you would have a popping Instagram channel.

[A]

Shut your mouth. Shut. Shut up. Yeah, but I. Being able to know if someone is around a corner for me is literally just. I don't have to scream. I don't have to walk around the corner.

[B]

I don't want to be a scare.

[D]

You would be an incredible scarer yourself.

[A]

Oh, I know exactly when they're coming.

[D]

No, dude, like, the other day, we were in the office, I tried to get one of our employees, Schneider, I noticed.

[B]

Oh, you tried to scare him.

[A]

Yeah, like the light snuck behind the door.

[D]

He left his light off in his office. I was like, well, it's already dark. Okay, I'm going to hide behind the door. Only he noticed that the door was slightly more ajar than when he had left. So I got totally busted.

[B]

But it's like, you would be a better criminal.

[D]

You would.

[B]

Because when you're being pursued, you'd know where everybody was at all times that are coming after you.

[A]

You know how easy it would be to win at hide and seek? I mean, on both. Both sides. Both sides. Because as the Seeker, I'm going to find you immediately.

[B]

Is there professional hide and seek?

[A]

Yes, there is.

[D]

There has.

[B]

So you could win like $1,000 a year on that.

[A]

More than that. I saw this.

[B]

You could see through the ground to see if caliche's in there.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. I could see for a pool company, it's not.

[D]

This is more dirt.

[A]

I refuse we find out that that.

[B]

Is not a real thing ever. Did you really dig footings, Al? Yeah, I did. And it's real caliche. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's very difficult.

[D]

Is there anywhere where it is not existing in Arizona?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

No, no, no. But is there anywhere where they are going to dig up where it doesn't exist? Probably not. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Are they stopping on purpose of inventing a machine to cut through this so they can keep.

[D]

No, they have dig costs, but it's like they forget to bring that one. Oh, yeah, just bring that one.

[A]

You know, the pool. The major pool companies own that machine. They're not renting. They own that machine. They're just like, yeah, but I gotta. I gotta go back and get the other one. I didn't.

[D]

I didn't gas it up this morning.

[B]

All right, I got one more for you guys. Sienna from Twitter writes in. Would you rather have every song you hear for the rest of your life always be an absolute perfect match for your current mood?

[D]

Okay, that's good.

[B]

So that's kind of like your own, like, movie soundtrack or something, right?

[D]

Yeah, a little bit. Or just, you know, when you're upset, sometimes you want to. You're like, I got to get it out. I got to put the emo on.

[B]

Oh, okay. So more.

[D]

Tonight will be the night. Sometimes you gotta do that, man.

[B]

You ever hear that? Come on. You're like, I didn't know I was in that mood. Or always. So that. So every song perfectly matches your mood. Or every song always unlocks a forgotten memory or emotion from the past because there's nothing. Music is magic like that.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It is incredible.

[B]

You will hear a song, an older song, and it will bring you back to where you were when you heard it or how old you were.

[A]

If you are young right now, let's say you're a teenager.

[B]

You're talking to me. Got it.

[A]

If you're a teenager, you don't understand this superpower yet, right?

[B]

Yeah, our parents understood it when we were young and we thought they were dumb.

[A]

It's incredible when you put on a song that transports you right back to your teenage years and you're like, oh, there's certain songs where I just remember, like, the car I was in, the street I was on the table I was sitting at, the.

[B]

Wherever School dance I was at.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, that type of stuff.

[A]

I mean, and it doesn't happen that often. But when it happens, it is real, it is powerful, it is emotional. And if I could do that. Oh, if I could do that every single time I turn on any song, I can have some kind of great memory recalled. I mean, that's, like, one of the best questions we've ever heard of.

[B]

Now, Mike, if you had the ability to have a song match your perfect mood, and that's a station, let's say, right, you just flip that station on, would you listen to that station all the time? Do you want it to match your mood a lot?

[D]

I do.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

But then it becomes a question of, like, sometimes when you're scratching that itch, you know, I'm angry. I need some angry music. Do I stay.

[B]

You staying?

[D]

Do I stay angry or longer? Because I'm angry. But a banger comes on, I'm like, oh, yeah, this good stuff. Feed the rage. And then I just end up in a loop.

[B]

What would be funny is if we each had a station, and you could tune into the other person's station to see how they're doing.

[A]

How is Mike?

[D]

That would be nice.

[B]

Oh, don't talk to him today.

[D]

You're like, oh, he's actually. He's doing pretty good.

[B]

It's a beautiful morning. So which one are you going with? I'm going nostalgia.

[D]

Yeah, I'm taking the memories, for sure.

[B]

We'll take a break, and we got some more we'll move on to. That's a great question.

[D]

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[A]

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[B]

All right, we'll start here. Paul, from the website, you are the last person on earth.

[D]

Okay, great.

[B]

Everything else on earth is unchanged.

[A]

I just got up to here. Okay, great. We did it. We did it, everybody.

[B]

We did it.

[A]

Solitude.

[B]

Yeah, this will be interesting. You're the last person on earth. The earth itself is unchanged. All the stores are still there. Everything inside them remains unchanged. Everything on earth just poof. Right? You're the last person. Would you want one person you know, one person you know to be with you or every year, 10 random people spawn right next to you?

[A]

I have questions.

[B]

Yes, questions.

[A]

Okay. Every year, is it 10 more?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, well, then that's the answer.

[B]

You want more because you're trying to repopulate. Are you trying to mate?

[A]

Well, yeah, a little bit. I care about.

[D]

He doesn't need to.

[A]

It's repopulating.

[D]

Ten people at a time, man.

[A]

Care about humanity, about the human race.

[B]

You cared about humanity on the spitballers before.

[A]

But I'm just saying, like one. I think I just like, I refer.

[B]

To him like he's a Species are you looking to mate?

[D]

You gotta save the Earth.

[B]

So every year, 10, Randall, the first.

[A]

Day, the first weekend, the first week, when you are completely the last man on earth. Awesome. I agree with you, Mike. Just incredible. But that will.

[D]

It'll wear off quickly wear off, and.

[A]

It will become so sad and depressing and lonely. And I think that if you had one other person with you, even if it's the person you're closest to you love the most, you're going to experience that same thing. It's not enough people to not become lonely. You'll become lonely together. And I think, sure, you know, every year having 10, 20, 30, 40, you know, people, 10 years from now, there's 100 people. There's a little bit of life happening.

[B]

More things can get done. Some, you know, more than 100 people, maybe. Right. Because then you have, like, people making babies.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So you are rehab. But you. You lose. You know, it's also anybody that you know.

[D]

It's 10 random people.

[B]

It is random.

[D]

Like, what are the. What are the odds?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

How many of those people you gonna like?

[B]

Yeah. How many people out of 10?

[D]

Random. I think that's generous.

[B]

Do you go through the 10?

[D]

That one.

[B]

Like, do you go through the 10 that spawn and you're like, all right, you. You're Nebraska.

[D]

I need you to settle over there.

[B]

Right.

[D]

Me and the cool people, right. We're in camp. Awesome.

[B]

It's funny because if I was the last person on Earth, the difference between knowing that this was going to happen and not knowing is everything. Like, if you knew that 10 people will spawn a year from now, you could go on. But if you. If you actually thought no one would ever. You, like, you're alone forever, and you're like, do you. Are you going to want to live? Are you trying to live as long as you can?

[A]

No. That's a good. That is a legitimate question. If you are completely by yourself.

[B]

Yeah. Forever.

[A]

There is no one else there, and you know it and you know it.

[B]

And you know it.

[D]

There's still animals, sure.

[A]

But would you. Would you strive for the longest life possible? Would you just feel like, I don't even want to. I don't even want to live.

[B]

That's. That is the.

[A]

Eventually, you just. So I don't know. What are you living for?

[D]

It's a great question.

[A]

Deep.

[B]

It is. I mean, if you. But if you knew that there's a hope for somebody to show up, you're right. You would have a reason to live.

[A]

The knowledge is powerful. And what And I want to add something to this. So every year, 10 random people spawn right next to you. I want to start that first. First year with none.

[B]

Oh, you want a year off?

[A]

I want. Yeah, I know they're coming. So now I got something to live for.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But I get.

[B]

Oh, do you. Do you, like, spend the year building, like, houses for these people?

[A]

Houses already exist. I'm not.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

First of all, I'm not capable of building a house, so literally can't.

[D]

And five years.

[A]

Too much caliche.

[D]

Yeah, exactly. They can.

[A]

They can have the pick of the litter.

[B]

Everything's here. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, we're all living in mansions.

[B]

You know, and they spawn on you. So you probably. In that year, you just need to get to the best place.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[D]

You need to get to the ocean.

[A]

We're hiking to. Oh, that's a good point.

[D]

You can't stay here. There's no people, there's no power.

[B]

I like the idea of Jason all alone, trying to get to Hawaii by himself.

[A]

Oh, I'm sitting here thinking. I'm sitting here thinking. I gotta walk. Car still?

[D]

Yeah, you can still use the car.

[A]

I can get. Yeah, for sure. I'm going to the beach.

[B]

You can't get into a boat and get somewhere.

[A]

I can't get into a boat and get some.

[B]

Do you think you could, like.

[A]

By myself.

[B]

By yourself. Could you go. I mean, all the boats are abandoned. Could you find one and get to Hawaii?

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Hawaii. Because they could spawn on you, then you got Hawaii to yourself. That would be ideal.

[A]

There is no.

[B]

Can you autopilot a boat, figure out.

[A]

How to do that? There is no chance I could find Hawaii if you.

[B]

All these people spawn on him in the middle of nowhere on a boat.

[A]

If you gave me.

[D]

They all just missed the boat.

[B]

They all go straight in the water.

[A]

If you. Me. A billion dollars. One billion dollars. Yeah, but by myself, I can't talk to any human for advice because in theory, that.

[B]

On how to do it.

[A]

On how to do it. But I have a billion dollars. I can have any resource I want. But completely on my own, I will die before I ever find Hawaii. There's no chance in the world I could find Hawaii.

[B]

Is it funny to you to think that this is what the world was? It was people leaving purpose.

[D]

Find things so insane that psychopaths.

[B]

Right?

[D]

It's so, like. Not only do they do that, but they're like.

[B]

And they leave their families.

[D]

Like, if I go that direction, am I eventually going to fall off of the Planet. There's only one way to find out. Like, no, there's. We will never find that out. If I'm in charge.

[A]

They're like, don't worry. I'll come back. You. How can you get back. How do you know how to get back here?

[B]

I guess I'll take the tin spawn. I feel like we're not defending our, like, significant others or something here, though. Like, you would want to be. You just want to write it out with your.

[D]

Need 10 new people to hate every year.

[B]

Okay, so you're.

[A]

You're taking.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

No. That's the question. Is it the white?

[B]

Is it the white? Yeah.

[D]

It'll be my wife.

[B]

All right, let's go here. Aaron from the website writes in your local wizard is back.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

And says that he can snap his fingers, and one of the following two things will happen. Your happy moments and memories will become happier, or your sad moments will become less sad. Which do you choose? And whatever you choose will happen for everyone else in the world.

[A]

Ooh, that last part makes it interesting. I think. I think.

[B]

I think.

[A]

I think I can.

[B]

I think.

[A]

I. Sad moments.

[B]

Are they way. Do they weigh more?

[A]

I don't. I think that when you have sad moments, they teach you what happiness is. You know what I mean? Like, you don't know happy without sad. So I want my happier moments to be happier.

[B]

Some people have really sad moments.

[A]

Well, that was. That. That was the part that made it go, oh, shoot. If I could take away the. The sad moments, the trauma, like, you just make.

[D]

You don't take them away.

[A]

You're just making.

[D]

They're less sad.

[A]

Mitigating the trauma.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Man. So what's more important? Mitigating the trauma or upping the.

[B]

I mean, I've always said, like, you kind of look back. Like, we all have kids that we had early days when they were born, and, you know, it's hard taking care of newborns and toddlers and stuff, but then, like, now, you kind of just don't really think about what was hard back then.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So, like, your mind does this a little bit already. It already makes the sad less sad. Right.

[A]

Time heals all wounds.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. There's a phrase for that. That's fair.

[B]

That's fair. So, like, happier moments. Like, I remember happy moments with more clarity than sad moments, really.

[A]

I think I feel like most people remember maybe I remember nothing. Losses more than wins, bad more than good. I think there's.

[B]

But my memory, like, whitewashes away the, like, bad.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, if this was just me. If this is just me, it's an easy. I want to pick happy over sad. I don't feel like I've got a bunch of you yourself to experience that, because. No, I'm saying I don't. I don't have a lot of, like, sad trauma things that, you know, I wrestle with, but I know a lot of people do. And so it's like, it really depends on each person.

[B]

You got to make a choice, though, whatever you choose. I want the world to be happy.

[A]

I want the world to be happier and happier. So I'm going to choose the happy.

[B]

But, Al, you're saying more happy for you?

[A]

Yeah, that's what I would choose as well.

[D]

Is the world happier if happier is magnified, or are they happier if sadness is mitigated? Oh, I think it's. I think it's the sadness. I think you mitigate the sadness of in the. Look, not a psychologist, not a doctor, but the. At least the studies I have seen have been like, what's more important to think positive or to think negative less.

[B]

Right.

[D]

And the answer that I see the most is think negative less. Think negative less.

[B]

Okay. Mike convinced me. That's the way I'm gonna go.

[D]

So obviously I've heard that. Which makes it fact, right?

[B]

No, I mean, I haven't looked anything.

[D]

Up, but it sounds good.

[B]

Well, that. That one's heavy. This one's just as important.

[A]

Kate from according to Chad GPT.

[D]

Oh, no.

[A]

You know, I just asked what's. What's more impactful?

[B]

What does a robot think?

[A]

Being happier or being less sad? Being less sad would be. Would have more impactful effect on humans.

[D]

We go.

[A]

Than just being happy.

[D]

Here we go.

[B]

I mean, it kind. If you're less sad, you're also happier, right?

[A]

It is.

[B]

It is kind of a trick. But your future moments, though, you know what I mean? Future sad moments would be less sad versus future happy moments. Happier, too. Yeah. This one's way, way easier. Kate from Patreon, you'll be able to replace one finger on either hand with one of the following. Which do you choose? A refillable lighter. A 6 inch stainless steel blade.

[D]

Not retracted, just.

[B]

It's no inches you're replacing.

[D]

I mean, you're full on like Freddie or Edward. Scissors. Yes.

[B]

A rechargeable 2000 lumen flashlight.

[D]

How big is it?

[A]

Finger size?

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

All right.

[B]

A spork. So you got a utensil at all times or a Sharpie that never goes dry.

[A]

All right, I'm down to two.

[B]

Is I'm guessing you're down to the blade, but I don't know the second one.

[A]

I don't want a six inch blade.

[D]

No, dude, that's unwieldy, man.

[A]

That is awful. That's gonna cause a lot of problems. It's also. It's way too big. It's not a finger sized knife. This is a six. I mean, just imagine one of your fingers was.

[B]

Would you go middle finger?

[A]

Yeah, I think so. I think it would be.

[B]

It's already your longest.

[A]

It would be like a wolverine claw at that point. Right.

[B]

Which hand dominant or dominant?

[A]

My right hand. Which is my stronger arm? I write with my left and I can't imagine writing. You know, if you can't write, which.

[B]

Is your stabbing hand?

[D]

Right?

[A]

My right hand is my stabbing hand. So. No, that one's out for me. I'm between the flashlight and the sharpie.

[D]

Okay, but if the sharpie. So that has to go.

[B]

Which finger is the sharpie?

[D]

It has to go on your writing hand and then what finger?

[B]

Yeah. Is it your point?

[A]

Can you.

[D]

Can you manage to write if it's your pinky?

[A]

I. I would. I would choose my left hand. That's my writing hand.

[B]

Yeah, not your stabbing hand.

[A]

Not my stabbing hand. And I would choose my middle finger. Because I think when I write, like, I can.

[B]

No, but like, if you were signing something with your. If you're. If you have a touchscreen, you sign with your middle finger.

[A]

I have before. I probably use dumb.

[B]

When you do it.

[A]

I probably use.

[B]

So you go middle finger.

[A]

I'm going middle pointer.

[B]

Oh, you want the pointer?

[A]

I want my pointer. I use my pointer all the time.

[D]

You're gonna have to like, you have to grab it.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[D]

You're gonna have to pinch it like it's a pencil.

[B]

You shouldn't have to grab it.

[D]

You can't just like stick one finger.

[B]

Out and it's a solid sharpie finger, man.

[D]

No, but I'm saying your handwriting. Like, you're gonna be writing like, not with your wrist.

[B]

No, I'm good, man.

[A]

Ow.

[B]

So wait, are you considering. What are you considering besides the sharpie?

[A]

The flashlight.

[D]

I think the flashlight is pretty good.

[A]

I mean. Yeah, my eyes are so bad. You know, you do have like a.

[B]

Phone in your pocket and like a watch that can do flashlight.

[D]

Oh, dude. I'm going. I'm going. Rechargeable flashlight. Because this thing is metal, right? Or is it just a flashlight? Yeah, because I can still play my guitar now. I got a slide built in.

[A]

Okay. Nice.

[B]

So you're going. Guitar hand is your guitar hand. Your stabbing hand.

[D]

No, my stab. No, my stabbing hand is my pick hand.

[A]

Okay, your pick hand.

[D]

So my left hand. My left hand.

[B]

Oh, the slide would get the.

[D]

Yeah, the fret hand.

[B]

So no one needs a refillable lighter. Are we in a post lighter society?

[A]

I think so. Because, like, I have a lighter and I have never needed to refill. I'm just saying, like, have you ever refilled a lighter? Like, we don't.

[D]

The only time I use a lighter at home is for when we're doing birthday cakes. When we're doing outdoor fire. No, the birthday cake. We got the electronic lighter.

[B]

Wait, what?

[A]

You don't know that.

[D]

It's like a. Basically like a little taser.

[B]

Almost works with the birthday.

[D]

It has two metal prongs, and then you turn it on.

[B]

I've been using those long.

[D]

Oh, the barbecue lighter. Yeah, ours is a. Ours is a rechargeable.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

It's like you're nodding over there. Is everybody got one of these cool things?

[A]

I do.

[B]

They're great.

[A]

You use them for, you know, you're lighting a candle.

[B]

Yeah, it's quick.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

They're good when camping, too, because in the wind, they still work. Great.

[B]

Well, I'll be done. Can I have one of those?

[A]

Instead of a finger?

[D]

You can have the flashlight or.

[B]

Honestly, that no one cares about the spork, then.

[D]

I mean, my hand is basically a spork.

[B]

Yeah, your hand is basically a spork. Well said.

[D]

It's nature's spork.

[B]

And so the blade. No one wants the blade.

[A]

It's too big and too unwieldy.

[B]

I think if it was a blade the size of your middle finger, you'd choose it.

[D]

If you told me that it was like a Swiss army knife, where my finger is regular, but I could flip a blade out of it. Okay, now we're onto something.

[B]

Because it's safe. You could sleep. Yeah, because right now, sleeping, you'd have to sheath it.

[D]

Anything, man. Like your pockets. Your fingers are doomed.

[A]

Everything you do is ruined. If you have a six inch.

[B]

Do they not let you on a plane?

[A]

No, there's no way they let you on a plane.

[B]

Does Wolverine fly?

[A]

Well, he can retract him.

[B]

Oh, that's true.

[D]

No, but no, Edward Scissorhands ain't getting on all planes. His hands are grafted with metal.

[A]

Yeah, he can fly.

[D]

Well, in his own private Quinn jet.

[A]

No, he can. He can fly on. Yes, American Airlines, no problem.

[D]

No, he'll Go through the metal detector.

[A]

I know. And it'll buzz and then they'll say, okay. And then they'll. And they'll see he's got metal in his. You think people that have like, metal.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Metal hips and stuff like that?

[A]

Yeah, they can't fly because they can't remove their hip.

[D]

That's one tiny area. It's not your whole body.

[A]

Well, I've had a major surgery, Mike.

[D]

He did. He had a major surgery.

[A]

Yeah, I'm sorry. I've got Adamantium. You could strip. I mean, he might need a full. Does Adamantium pick?

[B]

I mean, you know, metal. Does that show up in the metal detector?

[A]

For sure it does, yeah.

[D]

It's the strongest of fake metals. Of course it does.

[A]

But I mean, you might.

[B]

Strongest of all fake metal that we've ever invented.

[A]

I think Unobtainium is a little bit stronger, but we'll get out of here.

[B]

And I hate that name so much.

[A]

Oh, it's the. It's when I remember the first time.

[B]

Can you obtain it?

[A]

No, I remember the first time I heard it obtainable, my eyes rolled into the back of my skull like a full 360. Is that Marvel?

[B]

Is that a marvel?

[A]

No, that's Avatar James Cameron. That's the best you could come up with?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

See, look, it's Unobtainium.

[B]

Uses papyrus. Unobtainium.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We are falling. We are falling. So, Mike, you're taking the flashlight?

[D]

Yeah, I go on flashlight.

[A]

I'm going flashlight as well.

[B]

Would you feel invincible with a blade?

[A]

No.

[B]

No, me neither.

[D]

A flashlight is. How bright was it? If I had a nice 2000 lumen.

[B]

That.

[D]

That is really good self defense.

[A]

That's true.

[D]

Ain't nobody charged lines.

[A]

Your eyes light, man.

[B]

All right, 2000 lumen. Flashlight it is. Al, I think we're going to draft now. That work for you? Yeah. What's up, spit wads? Well, this is something I can speak from experience on. You want to eat better. We all want to do that. We feel like we have zero time and energy to make it happen. Sometimes you even try to eat better and you realize you just can't. You can't even order something that is actually healthy for you with all the different restaurants out there. Look, I was in that boat. I went to Factor, checked it out. We love the Factor Meals. In the beginning, when we got the Factor Meals delivered, my son was stealing all of them. Now I'm ordering enough to where I can kind of steal some and hide them from him because they are so delicious. They don't ask you to meal prep. Right. They don't ask you to follow recipes. It removes the entire problem. It's two minutes. It's real food and it's done. And I can tell you, I have tried probably 20 to 25 of the different recipes. There has not been one that I wasn't happy with. Genuinely, you're not failing out there at healthy eating. You're failing at having three extra hours a night to meal prep. And chef made meals so delicious. What? I just had like a burger with some gouda cheese last night. It was unbelievable. Head to FactorMeals.com Ballers 50 off and use the code Ballers50OFF to get 50% off your first Factor box. Plus free breakfast for one year offer only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy with Factor. We've all been there. You hold onto a coupon hoping to cash it in at the store, but then you forget about it and suddenly you've got a mountain of useless expired coupons.

[A]

Do you think this one's still good?

[D]

Free milk.

[B]

Oh, mate, that expired in 1993. Dang it. Fortunately, there are better ways to save money. Like by switching to Geico. You could save about $900 on car insurance without ever touching a coupon.

[D]

Ooh, how about this one? Half off floppy disks.

[B]

Now you should try a bit of spring cleaning.

[D]

It feels good to save big. It feels good to Geico.

[A]

The Spitballers draft.

[B]

All right. The man who got out of his own scat.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Gets the draft first. We are drafting the worst places to be stuck overnight. The worst places you'd have to spend the night. Where do you go with number one? There is a number one to me, really, that I hope you don't pick.

[A]

Well, I can't imagine. I mean, these are very.

[B]

Subjective.

[A]

Yeah. They're just, you know, there's. It's not like, what color do you want? This is any place in the world.

[B]

I did have a thought about this, because while you're thinking about that, pick what is the worst part in your mind? And maybe this will be answered by our answers. But what is the worst part of being stuck someplace overnight? Is it the first fear? Is it the potential fear of something happening? Is it the real danger? Yeah, I mean, is it, you know, what is it?

[D]

And comfort.

[A]

Yeah, I think all. All of those will apply. And sometimes there are multiple at once.

[B]

Okay, what are you going with?

[A]

This is somewhere I'm stuck overnight.

[B]

That's right. Spend the night Someplace.

[A]

This. This is going to be very specific.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[A]

But it really hits everything. I think you're afraid. I think there's real danger. Okay. And I think you're very al.

[B]

I'm so afraid. This draft is about to go.

[A]

You're very real bad. You're very uncomfortable. I am. I'm stuck on a. Upside down on a roller coaster.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Sometimes that happens to people. It's like, oh, we'll be up. We'll be back in the morning.

[B]

Wait, does that happen?

[A]

Yeah, it does sometimes.

[B]

We'll be back in the morning.

[A]

No, not in the morning. That.

[B]

But people we don't rescue at night.

[D]

People have been stuck on. I can't see you.

[A]

I don't have a flashlight on my finger.

[B]

I picked the knife upside.

[D]

It was a bad choice.

[A]

I can cut you out, though.

[B]

That's a good answer.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And that's. I think that's the level of specificity we're in here.

[D]

Yeah, that's fine.

[A]

You get charged extra for a hard rescue.

[B]

Okay. You probably do. You probably. They have to bring something special in. You're paying for it on a line item. You want the Jaws of Life or the jaws of life 2.0. All right, I'm going with open Ocean tiny raft.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

Open Ocean if I have to spend the night. I mean, you are in getting a.

[A]

Sick tan at the night.

[B]

What?

[D]

Well, that moon is crisp in my body. I'm just saying, like, if I'm stuck out there, I'm trying to make the best of it. The night will turn into morning. It's the night. Yeah, I was thinking all day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, man, it's.

[D]

I guess it's an overnight craft.

[B]

It's not worth places to lay out in the sun. Open ocean Tiny raft is my first pick.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's just the scale and size of the ocean. There's nothing, I think, that can make you feel small.

[A]

Boat in the ocean is.

[B]

Yeah. More vulnerable than that. So, Mike, you are up. You got two picks.

[D]

I'm going to go with a porta potty.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Oh, that's a good pick.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, that would suck.

[A]

Uncomfortable. Stinky. Yes.

[B]

What's the dollar amount to stay in.

[D]

A used porta potty?

[B]

Yeah. Overnight. What do you need? I mean, I'll go to the Doosers. What do you need?

[D]

Yeah, we got to go to Josh, set the low water mark here.

[B]

One night in a very used porta potty.

[D]

$50.

[B]

Would you try to sleep or just Sit.

[A]

No, I try to sleep.

[B]

Make time go by faster.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So in the Corner, how much? 3,000.

[A]

I'm shocked. It's in the thousand.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

My number was 5k, so we're not too far.

[B]

Okay. Matt, what do you think?

[D]

I was gonna start at a thousand, but. Yeah.

[A]

There he is.

[D]

There's our guy. There's areas.

[B]

Yeah, it's more for me.

[D]

So we're going with the. The porta potty.

[B]

That's a great pick.

[D]

And, man, I got one. I don't know if it would come back or not. We're gonna go. I'm gonna go with a ski lift.

[A]

Ah, yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

It wasn't. It would not have come back.

[A]

It was. It's on my list.

[B]

That would be terrible.

[A]

Yeah, Very similar to mine.

[B]

Like the roller coaster. The roller coaster ski lift. But you got the elements.

[D]

Well, I mean. Well, not only do you have the elements, like, you're. You're stuck. You can't jump down if you want to. Like, that's like a 20 foot drop. You're toast.

[B]

20Ft into the snow. I might do.

[D]

Yeah, it might be higher, but 20ft?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I mean, you better hope that that's.

[B]

Like you can't escape this situation. You got to spend the night there.

[D]

And it's going to be very cold.

[B]

I like that. That's like the roller coaster. You're not upside down, but it's freezing.

[D]

I mean, upside down all night. Can you survive that?

[A]

No. No, you would not. You would not.

[B]

You would survive that.

[A]

No, you can't.

[D]

I don't think so.

[B]

You said that very definitively. Did you try to do this?

[D]

I feel very confident. Overnight, that would be it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What, you would just die of time being upside down?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Blood in your head. Or if you survive, you're gonna have problems.

[B]

You look this up. But I'm gonna make a guess right here of how many hours you could survive upside down. I think you could do 16 to 18 hours.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Upside down.

[D]

Purely upside down.

[B]

It's just a guess. You like you. I'll come back to you.

[D]

I was just gonna be like, you're fine.

[B]

Yeah, it's probably weeks.

[D]

Do you have food and water?

[B]

I think you could be all right. He's having to search again. So you didn't get the answer he liked. Well, he's typing again.

[A]

What I'm seeing is it's very short.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[A]

Loss of consciousness in one to two minutes. Serious physical harm at about 10 to 15.

[B]

Oh, that's not true.

[A]

And fatality could be in 30 minutes.

[B]

That's what I.

[D]

Where's that from?

[B]

Your butt chat? GPT.

[D]

Okay, but what you can hang upside.

[B]

Down for more than two minutes to not and not go unconscious.

[D]

Well now I'm on it.

[B]

I've seen lots of roller coaster people stuck upside down and they're all awake.

[A]

All right.

[D]

Are you up, Andy?

[B]

Yes, I'm up. All right, Jason took us or you took a ski lift. I'm going to come back and I'm going to go with. Man, this is a weird one because I don't think anyone's really stealing from each other very much. So I'm going to go war zone.

[A]

Actually so far I'm going to war zone. Oh, that's a good thing.

[B]

I mean why that. The fear of exploding. I mean worst places to be stuck overnight.

[D]

Yeah, it'd be pretty bad.

[B]

I'm going War zone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you have something you discovered?

[A]

No. Everything I'm looking at is like you don't try to sleep upside down. It is very dangerous.

[B]

But okay, yeah, but I'm not going to try to.

[A]

Yeah, no, I. Every single thing prior to warzone had been on my list. So we. My list was shrinking. But warzone is a very, very good. I mean I don't understand. If you're like in a battlefield, obviously every single person there will have to sleep. You know if you're in a five day battle you're going to have to sleep. I've never understood how you do that.

[D]

I think you catch like tiny little pockets of sleep.

[A]

You don't make you.

[D]

I don't think you get a night. You get a. Yeah, you get like a micro nap.

[A]

Not like a downtime like hey guys.

[D]

Hey. Hey. Time out everybody.

[A]

6:00Am Wake back up, get back 10:00pm.

[D]

Can we call this off until at least seven? Trying to get my eight hours here.

[A]

All right. Okay, so I've got two picks so far.

[B]

You're spending the night upside down on a roller coaster which I am learning. You are dead.

[A]

Yes, yes. So I have died. That was the 101.

[B]

You have died. You have died quickly.

[A]

And you know that goes right into my next pick which is a cemetery.

[D]

Oh yeah, it's on my list.

[A]

I do not want to sleep in a. And of course this is a haunted cemetery. Haunted cemetery.

[D]

Is there none?

[A]

Yeah, well there are some nice looking cemeteries like you go and it's like.

[B]

They don't haunt the nice ones.

[A]

I guess maybe at night. I've never been to a cemetery.

[D]

I feel like Jason the bougie Ghost would be at the nicest cemetery you could find.

[A]

Exactly. But I. That's not what I'm picking.

[B]

Hold on. You're saying when Jason is a ghost, he will haunt a bougie cemetery?

[D]

Of course he will.

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[D]

He'll be above ground crypt and that.

[A]

Is 100% above ground crypt. Yes.

[D]

A mausoleum.

[A]

Very good.

[B]

Yes, he's a mausoleum ghost.

[A]

I've started to. He liked the finer things, but that's not the pick. I'm picking a run down rickety couple of trees. That rickety? Yeah.

[D]

What in the cemetery is rickety?

[A]

Oh, the gate.

[D]

This has a gate.

[A]

A big metal wrought iron gate. Okay. I got you flapping.

[D]

Yeah, that thing in the wind is.

[B]

Just got one of those wooden roller coasters on the property. Real rickety.

[A]

Okay. And I'm going to go with a place I hope I never have to sleep overnight. But you know, this is made to sleep overnight. This is a place specifically intended for sleeping.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's a jail cell. I don't want to spend the night in a jail cell.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Not built for that bougie. Jason will not. I don't know if I'll survive of the night. I might have picked two deaths here on my list.

[B]

I have the open ocean and the war zone.

[A]

Is there not a bidet? What is this? What is this little toilet?

[D]

I'm trying to figure out what is the metal toilet. Looks like he passed away of non bougieness.

[B]

All right.

[A]

He had to wipe his bottom.

[D]

Bed was a little too rough. He didn't make it through the night.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

To be fair, my death would probably come from the inmate. I'm not alone there.

[B]

Okay. All right. I'm going to follow up war zone with top of a mountain peak.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I think pretty awesome.

[B]

There's no.

[D]

You're gonna have some.

[B]

No, no, no. All right. I'm changing.

[A]

No. What?

[B]

Top of Everest. No, no, no.

[D]

I could be specific. You upgraded it.

[B]

It's fine. Top of Mount Everest. How's that sound?

[A]

That's fine. That's. I mean, you can fall.

[B]

Don't you sleep there when you. Oh, people do. And they die there. Lots of them.

[A]

Sure, yeah. No, I know.

[B]

Cold, falling, wind, exposure. I don't want to be there.

[A]

I don't know if you fall when you're asleep.

[B]

You could.

[A]

While you're sleeping.

[B]

You could. Yeah. You roll, man.

[D]

Is it considered falling?

[B]

If you roll off a cliff, it's considered falling.

[A]

Is it?

[D]

Or did you roll off the cliff?

[B]

Yes. You're f. You're asleep, and you roll and you. Yeah, and you go off the cliff.

[A]

And you roll off the cliff.

[B]

You're asking if that's falling.

[A]

Did you fall down?

[B]

Well, no, that's not the same thing. The fall down. You fell. You died of a fall, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

No, when you say it that way, it sounds right. Yeah, but to say you fell off, you're like, well, what happened? He step up? No, he rolled off.

[B]

And his fall.

[A]

When you're laying down.

[D]

That's my point.

[B]

You never fallen off a bunk bed.

[A]

But are you on a bunk bed on Everest? This is what I'm talking about.

[B]

No, hold on. That's a good point.

[D]

This is a good point.

[B]

You just said you can't fall while laying down. Please retort my objection.

[D]

You can even just say the couch. If you take a nap on a couch and you roll off.

[B]

I rolled right off a bunk bed.

[D]

When I was a kid. Yeah, but you rolled off. You didn't fall off.

[A]

Mmm. You said it.

[B]

I caught.

[A]

You rolled off.

[B]

This is so.

[D]

You can't fall off.

[B]

It's the dumbest sidebar.

[D]

If you're laying down, you can't fall.

[A]

Yeah. Official verdict.

[B]

You can't trip and fall. You can fall.

[A]

You can only fall off of something. You can't fall.

[B]

Yeah, you fall off. Yeah, you're right. You can only fall off of something.

[A]

All right, we got there.

[D]

All right, I'm up.

[B]

Maybe Porta Potty and a ski lift.

[D]

I'm going to go with a lion exhibit.

[A]

Ooh, that's.

[B]

That's not great.

[A]

Daniel.

[D]

I didn't say the. Dan, it's just an exhibit.

[B]

So wait, you got to go spend the night in a lion's pin?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That sucks.

[A]

Yeah. That's a good pick. That is a good.

[B]

That sucks.

[D]

That's called.

[B]

It's funny because.

[D]

Not sleepy.

[B]

If you had just picked, like, the Sahara or something or, like, oh, you're probably fine. Yeah. Or, you know, your odds of running into a lion are low.

[A]

Yes. Lower than in the lion's den?

[B]

Lower than in a lion's. I just think that's a crafty pick.

[D]

Yeah. Well, thank you. All right, so we got that one. And then the.

[B]

Do they give up on life in a zoo, though?

[D]

Lions? Yeah, probably.

[B]

Are they just, like, not as aggressive?

[A]

Give up on hunting as much because they're fed giant stakes and people, but not fed people.

[D]

But in a group of lions, if. If there's a human in there, they gotta be like, dude, we can't pass up this opportunity.

[B]

Yeah. This guy's trying to sleep.

[D]

I was born to run.

[B]

This guy's trying to sleep.

[A]

Wrong human.

[B]

All right.

[D]

Oh, I got one more.

[B]

Porta Potty ski lift line exhibit.

[D]

So it's like. It's like Jason's, but I think in my opinion it's an upside down ski lift. No, no, no. I'm going abandoned hospital.

[B]

Yes. Okay. I had abandoned asylum on my list.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. So same. Same concept.

[A]

I have haunted mansion.

[B]

Yeah, these are all.

[A]

Yeah. Yes. Disneyland.

[D]

I could handle that.

[B]

So abandoned hospital. Yeah, something. They're large and abandoned and dark.

[D]

They're large and you're alone.

[B]

It's creepy.

[D]

The walls have seen many things inside of the hospital.

[B]

That's a good one. I will.

[D]

Like the people in the cemetery. They were already that way when they got there, right?

[B]

Yeah. Okay. I will close out my draft with the Amazon rainforest.

[A]

Oh, you're dead.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You're not making it.

[B]

Yeah. I needed to match Jason's instant death of the upside down roller coaster. If you find a spot in the rainforest, it will be wet, you will get bugs on you, and then you'll probably be dead by morning.

[A]

The amount of things that will crawl on you while you sleep is unfathomable. And that I don't care about. I don't. I literally think I care less about the panther of the jungle. You know, the monster that could come and just destroy me than I care about the bugs. The bugs in the rainforest. The amount of creepy, crawly.

[D]

They got Siafu there.

[A]

I don't know what that is.

[D]

The ants.

[B]

That sounds like some sort of God that lives in the forest. They're crazy and scrambles your body. Yeah. All right, so rainforest. That would be. That'd be a problem. Yeah. Apparently Papa Josh knows what those ants are.

[A]

Dude, those things are.

[D]

What do they do?

[A]

They're like monster sized ants and they'll eat anything in their path.

[B]

Things are bigger there, right?

[D]

Like these things are.

[B]

Everything's been scaled up in the rainforest.

[D]

If you remember the. There's a scene in Indiana Jones, the Crystal Skull where there's ants involved. It's really, really bad cgi, but those are. That's what they're supposed to be.

[B]

Yeah. It doesn't sound good.

[A]

Okay, so I know what my last pick was. It wasn't on my list, but as we started talking and thinking and I was just like, there is the worst place for me. The worst place to sleep. I could not do it. I could not handle. Is very similar to my last pick, but totally different because at the cemetery. I'm just. I'm sleeping on the ground. Yeah, I'm By a tombstone.

[D]

It might be a nice cushy grass.

[A]

Maybe, but how about in a coffin?

[D]

Oh, no, I thought about that.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. My claustrophobia would not. Like.

[D]

I'm not.

[A]

I don't consider myself as someone who has claustrophobia.

[B]

I think everybody has coughing claustrophobia.

[A]

I mean, I couldn't do it. I couldn't.

[B]

That's universal.

[A]

You see, some people, like, you know, they all sleep three days, you know, in a buried coffin or whatever.

[B]

I think, like, like for a Mr.

[A]

Beast did it or something. I don't think I could do that.

[B]

Don't hyperventilate. You'll die.

[A]

Forget underground, buried.

[B]

Oh, just, just, just out that.

[A]

Just like, I'm in a room. I'm. I'm in my room.

[B]

It's a coffin. On his regular bed.

[A]

On my bed.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So it'll be so cushy.

[A]

Oh, man. But you. As soon as you put that lid on and I can't.

[D]

Then you. Then you close your lids. I can't see.

[A]

I can't see with my lids open. Mike. There's no light in there.

[B]

Let me ask you this as a sidebar because we just finished up Jason with the upside down roller coaster cemetery, jail cell and coffin Mike with the porta Potty ski lift line exhibit and abandoned hospital. I've got the open ocean, tiny raft, the war zone, the top of Mount Everest and the rainforest.

[D]

Could have just said open ocean.

[B]

Quick.

[D]

Way worse than open ocean.

[B]

That's fine.

[A]

Yeah, you got a boat.

[D]

If you take the raft away. That's so much worse.

[B]

The sidebar here, though. If the requirement was you have to fall asleep and then you escape the place, which place could you not fall asleep?

[A]

The open ocean.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you can't fall off.

[D]

You're in the raft. You. Oh, right.

[A]

No, I fall asleep very nicely on that.

[B]

Could you fall asleep in that cemetery if that was your way out of the cemetery?

[A]

Yeah, I could do it in the coffin as well. If that was my way out. I would just.

[B]

You knew that was your way out.

[A]

Yeah, it's really knowing that I have to stay overnight that I couldn't do it there.

[B]

The lion exhibit would be the hardest.

[D]

One, mentally, that one. And the.

[B]

Because you're like, if I fall asleep, I'm out of here. But if I. If I don't stay awake, I sleep with one eye open expression.

[A]

So I don't know what the truth is about the Amazon rainforest. I Couldn't sleep. I could never fall asleep feeling something.

[B]

Crawl on me or hearing sounds of things crawling around you.

[A]

I think that I could overcome. I mean, I wouldn't like it, but I think I could overcome. But if I feel something on me, I'm going to slap it away or whatever. Like, I couldn't just sleep comfortably with something crawling on me. I couldn't do it. And so in my mind, I think that the rainforest is. The ground is moving.

[B]

Nobody took an elevator with Josh as one of the worst.

[D]

I did have. I had elevator on my list.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And then my one that I did.

[B]

You have some others on the list. Yeah.

[D]

Because if you're stuck there, so I assumed that in the morning, people find you there.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I was like, your boss's office.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. I had an airport Runway. Good luck trying to sleep with jet engines.

[B]

That's so ridiculous and funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I had an abandoned mine shaft. Figured that would suck.

[D]

Oh, man.

[B]

Just a swamp where crocodiles are at.

[D]

A wax museum because, you know, they come to life and just.

[B]

I mean, dumpster.

[D]

You're gonna keep thinking you see people.

[B]

Yeah. Fair enough.

[A]

What did we learn today?

[B]

I've underestimated how long you can stay upside down. I really have, because I have heard the stories of people upside down. Like when they're doing a caving thing and they get stuck upside down and they have to rush to get them.

[A]

Out because they'll die.

[B]

Because they'll die. That's the key. The death.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you learn anything on today's show, Jason?

[A]

I learned I want an army.

[B]

Yeah. You were really into the army. I think you've been wanting an army for longer than you've probably admitted.

[A]

I haven't wanted one until today, but now I know I actually would love to have an army.

[B]

Yeah. All right. Mike, did you.

[D]

We're moving on from Lighters. Yeah, Lighters Society.

[B]

It's over Zippo.

[D]

You had a good run.

[B]

Not enough fire?

[A]

No.

[D]

Thank you, everybody. We'll see you next time. Goodbye.

[A]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, Check out Spitballers pod dot com.

[D]

Your new home is now ready. Dr. Horton, America's builder, has new homes that are ready today. With new construction communities in Ellensburg and throughout the Greater Seattle area, Dr. Horton has the right home for you. At Dr. Horton, we're still building with flexible living spaces, smart home technology, and two and three car garages. More communities and more homes available every day. Find your new home in Ellensburg now [e-mail] Dr. Horton America's builder and equal.

[C]

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