Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Pizza Pains & Best Sequels
Date: January 19, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

Overview

In this episode, the Spitballers—a trio of dads and award-winning podcasters—tackle life’s unimportant but highly entertaining dilemmas. The group dives into hilarious “Would You Rather” questions about pizza, French fries, and paper cuts; dispenses their signature, tongue-in-cheek life advice about modern dating and gym etiquette; and finishes with their much-anticipated draft of “Best Movie Sequels That Are Better Than the Original.” Expect plenty of banter, food confessions, and strong (mostly wrong) opinions.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Scat Singing & Setting the Tone (01:15–03:00)

• The episode opens with Andy’s fast-paced scat song, which the group critiques and jokes about.
• They jest about their supposed “seriousness” and societal role:
  Andy: “This show is... If there’s one thing the show is, it’s serious.” (02:00)

2. Would You Rather: Pizza vs. French Fry Economics (04:00–17:00)

The Question:

Would you rather pay $1 for every French fry or $25 for every slice of pizza for the rest of your life?

• Quantifying Pizza Price:
  • Andy asks, “What is a slice of pizza if I’m paying?” (04:20)
  • The group debates actual slice prices (settling between $6 and $7).
  • Mike and Jason admit to loving pizza, but lament the aging body’s inability to handle it.
    Jason: “I’m at the point in my life where it’s not worth it... I know how I feel after.” (06:06)
  • Mike is firm: “That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.” (07:08)
• Physical Aftermath:
  • Pizza reportedly causes next-day regret—stomach problems and lactose intolerance afflict everyone, even Jason’s son:
    Jason: “My son last night...‘Dad, I think I’m lactose intolerant.’” (07:55)
  • Mike recounts his keto pizza routine: “I would rip the cheese off of a slice. One of my kids would eat the cheeseless bread.” (08:30)
• Fries vs. Pizza Loyalty:
  • Andy concludes he might give up pizza: “If I had to pay $25 a slice, I’d never eat pizza again.” (09:04)
  • Jason is the lone holdout: “I haven’t had a slice of pizza in my life that I felt bad after.” (09:43)
  • Sharp disagreement on French fry supremacy—
    Jason: “French fries are overrated.”
    Mike: “French fries are the greatest food in the entire world!” (16:33-16:39)

Notable Quote:

• On pizza regret:
  Andy: “It’s a transition period...You still do it because...pizza: yum, yum, yum, yum.” (07:36)

3. Food Ingredients Rant: Chick-fil-A Nuggets and Science Jargon (10:00–15:00)

• The group critiques Chick-fil-A’s “grilled” nuggets (“There are seven X’s [in the ingredients]!”), marveling at the unpronounceable:
  Jason: “This can’t be a word. Dimethylpolysiloxane!” (11:33)
• Mike rails against scientific gatekeeping with complex food labels:
  Mike: “Stop the gatekeeping bullcrap...You can put it in terms human beings...understand.” (13:58)
• They jest about running for president with the platform “no word over ten letters.”
  Mike: “In my America, no word is over 10 letters.” (14:51)

4. Would You Rather: Salad Dressing Dilemmas & Paper Cuts for Cash (17:08–24:29)

Salad Dressing:

• Double vs. quarter the usual salad dressing.
  • All quickly choose “double”—extra dressing is always better.

Paper Cuts:

• $50/week free, or $25 for every paper cut (intentional or accidental)?
  • Mike and Jason recoil at enduring even two paper cuts a week for extra money:
    Jason: “One of these things—I get $50 for a baby. I do nothing. I have no pain.” (22:06)
  • Jokes about having “cardboard murder weapons” and becoming “Killmonger from Black Panther” with scars.

5. Life Advice: Communication Styles & Grocery Store Loyalty (27:01–34:57)

Voice Memos or Texts?

• A listener’s girlfriend sends voice memos instead of texts.
  • Andy, Mike, and Jason agree: for short, nuanced subjects, voice memos are fine. For “grocery lists,” text is king.
  • Mike pivots into a passionate segment about grocery list loyalty:
    • Jason is a hardcore “make-one-meal-at-a-time” shopper at Trader Joe’s and Sprouts:
      Jason: “There is no one in the world who loves your store more than me.” (31:17)
    • Andy and Mike prefer classic grocery stores like Fry’s.

6. Life Advice: Handling Annoying Gym Advice (35:05–38:31)

• A gym-goer gets constant, unsolicited advice about form.
  • Jason admits he’d just switch gyms to avoid confrontation.
  • Mike considers whether he'd listen based on how muscular the adviser is.
  • The group jokes about inviting the persistent adviser to AA meetings as a politely awkward deflection.

7. Life Advice: TV Show Spoiler Dilemmas (38:42–45:53)

• Listener’s boyfriend falls asleep within 10 minutes of every episode but asks to watch shows together; she’s forced to rewatch the same piece each night.
  • Group consensus: The person with the greater interest in the show dictates the viewing; if one falls asleep and cares less, the other is allowed to continue.
• Debate on how long you have to avoid spoilers for a major show—prompted by Andy’s infamous slow watching of Stranger Things.
  • Mike: “If the final season was truly one per week, I’d be caught up. But when they drop six at once, I fall behind.”

8. Draft: Best Movie Sequels That Are Better Than the Original (47:11–71:54)

Draft Order & Picks

• Andy:

  1. Empire Strikes Back (Star Wars) (48:39)
  2. Aliens (James Cameron) (60:05)
  3. Back to the Future 2 (60:33)
  4. Avengers: Endgame (70:02)

• Mike:

  1. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (50:17)
  2. John Wick 2 (58:34)
  3. Dawn of the Dead (62:33)
  4. Thor: Ragnarok (69:02)

• Jason:

  1. The Dark Knight (54:13)
  2. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (56:38)
  3. Rocky 3 (65:04)
  4. Mission: Impossible 3 (66:54)

Draft Commentary:

• The group debates what counts as a “sequel”—second or just "any after the first."
  • Jason learns mid-draft that “sequel” covers films beyond part two (53:48).
• Lots of laughter over 80s movie “goofiness,” age of Spielberg films, and iconic scenes (e.g., T2’s helicopter under the bridge).

Notable Quotes:

• “Terminator 2 is the only movie franchise where, when you say the name, you mean the sequel.” — Mike (56:46)
• On Star Wars:
  “Star Wars [A New Hope], that’s a goofy movie. Go back and watch it, guys.” – Mike (49:16)

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On pizza regret:
  “You still do it because...pizza: yum, yum, yum, yum.” — Andy (07:36)

• On scientific jargon:
  “In my America, no word is over 10 letters. We can all read the words. We’ll be fine.” — Mike (14:51)

• On draft eligibility:
  “A sequel is just any movie after the first one?" — Jason (53:30)

• On gourmet pizza vs. French fries:
  “French fries are the greatest food in the entire world!” — Mike (16:39)

• On the Netflix binge dilemma:
  “When they’re like: here’s six episodes... and then here’s the second half. Hold up, hold up, hold up...” — Mike (44:43)

Notable Segment Timestamps

• Opening Scat & Setup: 01:15 – 03:00
• Pizza vs. French Fries Debate: 04:00 – 17:00
• Ingredient Rant: 10:00 – 15:00
• Paper Cuts for Cash: 17:08 – 24:29
• Life Advice – Communication & Grocery Stores: 27:01 – 34:57
• Gym Advice Rant: 35:05 – 38:31
• TV Spoilers / Streaming Problems: 38:42 – 45:53
• Draft (Best Sequels): 47:11 – 71:54

Takeaways

• Food is funny pain: The hosts hilariously lament the impossibility of guilt-free pizza and French fry consumption as middle-aged dads.
• Communication pet peeves show up in everyday life, from excessive voice memos to unsolicited advice at the gym.
• Nostalgia rules the draft: The passionate debate about sequels exposes deep generational movie loyalties and a collective disdain for unnecessary remakes.
• Group recommendations: Listen for the sheer joy of listening to people that love arguing about things that don’t matter, while dispensing “life advice” no one should take seriously.

For more laughs, family-friendly nonsense, and the occasional accidental wisdom, follow the Spitballers every Monday.