Pooping In The Woods & An Olympic Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Pooping In The Woods & An Olympic Battle Royale

Date: March 2, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

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Episode Overview

This episode of the Spitballers Podcast dives into the trio’s signature blend of clean, irreverent comedy and everyday absurdities. Lively debates around life’s quirks—like pooping in the woods, modern bathroom luxuries, and surviving with perpetual thirst or fatigue—set the stage for hilarious and surprisingly relatable conversations. The episode culminates in a Winter Olympics “Battle Royale” draft, where each host drafts equipment from Olympic events to hypothetically conquer an icy arena.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Would You Rather: The Human Condition (04:00 – 16:00)

• Thirst vs. Tiredness:
  Would you rather always feel slightly thirsty or slightly tired, no matter how much you drink or sleep?

  • Andy instantly opts for thirst, “Give me the thirst.” (04:03)
  • Mike: “Who's not slightly tired all the time? Is that happening, children?” (04:05)
  • Jason describes how he rarely feels not tired, except for a fleeting 30 minutes after waking up:
    “I do think I've got a 30-minute window each day... some point in the day where I feel like I'm not tired.” (04:18)

• Energy Drinks & Morning Routines:

  • A comedic investigation into office energy drink consumption, leading to playful HR banter:
    • Mike, jokingly: “Al, I would claim HIPAA right now. I would not answer these questions.” (05:49)
    • Josh: “Definitely private information.” (05:53)
    • Josh admits: “I try to stick to two a day. Like the doctor. Don't always succeed.” (06:02)
    • Mike: “Two energy drinks a day keeps a doctor away—because of death.” (06:11)

• Bathroom Luxuries: Bidets, Shower Heads & Electric Toothbrushes (06:40 – 11:20)

  • Hosts play “keep, trade, cut” with bathroom items:
    • Bidet (unanimous keeper):
      • Jason: “No one goes backwards from a bidet.” (09:28)
      • Hilarious debate on “jailbreaking” showerheads—removing flow restrictors for that illegal high-pressure payoff.
      • Mike describes electric toothbrushes: “My teeth feel real clean, though.” (10:35)
      • Andy: “It's the gums that I care about. If you don't clean the gums, then you got pain.” (10:45)
      • Ominous “root scaling” stories prompt: “Just put me under.” – Jason (11:20)

• Nose Troubles: Runny vs. Stuffy (11:22 – 14:56)

  • Mike shares his lifelong struggle with a stuffy nose, joking that if his nasal spray ever ran out, “so will I.” (12:15)
  • On nasal emergencies and facial toughness:
    • Andy: “A runny nose is disgusting… you get all sore and red.”
    • Jason: “A runny nose means guaranteed, I don't care how much Kleenex... you got snot on your hands.” (13:13)
    • Paper towels vs. tissues sparks debate on facial toughness.

• "Home or Away" Food Challenge (15:02 – 17:11)

  • Would you rather never eat or drink within two miles of home, or only be able to eat/drink inside your home?
    • Hosts parse travel, family vacations, and define “home” (Mike: “Homes where the heart is, guys.” 16:35)
    • Jason, on vacation restrictions: “Oh, I go to Hawaii—Exactly. You can't go anywhere.”

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2. Game Time: Guess Guess Goose! (19:27 – 34:49)

Al Borland surveys thousands for quirky facts—hosts guess, haggle, and risk getting stuck as “the goose,” complete with a feathery prop.

Notable Questions & Timestamps:

• Stomach Sleepers (20:24)
  • Andy guesses 38%, Mike and Jason both predict lower.
  • Actual: 22%. “If I had thought through that just a little bit more...” – Andy (22:59)
• Potato Chips on a Sandwich (23:09)
  • Mike: 60%, Jason: 70% (actual). “Should absolutely be 100%.” – Jason (23:17)
• Pooping in the Woods (25:13)
  • Jason: “I could tell my body, I could tell my body—shutting it down.” (26:19)
  • Actual: 48%. “You pooped monsters!” – Jason (27:10)
• Pizza Crust Refusers (27:51)
  • Heated argument over pizza etiquette. “Sir. Sir.” – Andy, objecting to crust slander (28:11)
  • Actual: 21%
• Video Calls Without Pants (30:16)
  • Mike: 65%, actual: 47%. Jason feigns caution, Andy calls everyone out: “I feel like everybody should do that at one point or another.” (30:22)
• Mall Visits (32:14)
  • Jason: 50%, actual: 36%, revealing shopping trends have indeed shifted.
  • “Malls are a shadow of what they used to be.” – Mike (34:03)

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Scoring Finale & Banter:

• Andy ends up as the “goose” (again), donned with the appropriate prop, and subjected to light-hearted ridicule:
  “I'm a goose again. Yeah, that was worst case scenario.” – Andy (33:33)

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3. Spitballers Winter Olympics Battle Royale Draft (36:51 – 49:59)

The epic hypothetical: If you were in a wintry, frozen arena, what Winter Olympics item would you draft for battle?

First Round Picks (36:56–41:36)

• Jason: Biathlon rifle (“I'm saying I'm going to run away from you and shoot you. That's what I'm saying.” – 37:26)
• Andy: Speed skating skates & suit for mobility and offensive skating (“I want to be aerodynamic!” – 40:37)
• Mike: The gold medal, for ceremonial and symbolic “thwapping.”

Second & Third Rounds: Notable Picks

• Mike: Olympic torch (fire for the ice arena); bobsled (for defense or missile-like attacks); ski poles.
• Andy: Curling stone (“It is 42 pounds of granite… a skull crusher.” – 43:00); pair of skis for offense/mobility; netting from the hockey goal for trapping opponents.
• Jason: Full hockey goalie setup (pads & stick for defense); snowboard as an extra shield and thwapping weapon.

Draft Highlights & Memorable Quotes:

• On “illegal” Olympic items:
  • Mike tries for the Olympic torch: “Fires can't work in the cold.” – Andy (42:15)
  • Andy calls out curling stone: “That will be easily dodgeable.” – Mike (43:10)
• Strategic bickering:
  • Andy, on using netting: “I’m going to use the netting from the hockey goal to throw it upon you… and slash you with my skate/slash skis.” (47:09)
  • Jason, on his padded advantage: “Good luck. You know, I feel like I don’t need anything else between my gun, my hockey stick, and my hockey gear.” (47:37)

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4. Notable Moments & Running Jokes

• Bidet Advocacy:
  “You get used to a bidet, which is there’s a learning curve… Like, when I first had that stream of water on the booty hole … it was weird. It’s aggressive.” – Jason (09:41)

• On Surviving Without Nasal Spray:
  “If that solution were to vanish, so will I.” – Mike (12:15)

• On Pizza Etiquette:
  “I feel like my goal on pizza is to eat it in such a way that while I eat the crust, I’ve left a line of marinara on the top and I’m having a marinara breadstick.” – Andy (28:42)

• On Pooping in Nature:
  “Try it, man. It’s a good time.” – Andy
  Jason: “Not a good time.”
  Andy: “Oh, it’s a great time.” (50:12)

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Memorable Quotes

• Jason: “No one goes backwards from a bidet.” (09:28)
• Mike: “Two energy drinks a day keeps a doctor away—because of death.” (06:11)
• Andy: “Sir. Sir.” (28:11, classic moment objecting to anti-crust sentiment)
• Mike: “Apparently half of people have pooped in the woods. I call shenanigans on that.” (50:08)
• Andy: “Try it, man. It’s a good time.” (50:12)

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Important Timestamps

• Would You Rather (Thirsty/Tired): 04:00 – 06:40
• Bathroom Luxuries: 06:40 – 11:20
• Runny/Stuffy Nose: 11:22 – 14:56
• Home/Away Food Debate: 15:02 – 17:11
• Guess Guess Goose Segment: 19:27 – 34:49
• Winter Olympic Battle Royale Draft: 36:51 – 49:59

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Summary

This episode is classic Spitballers: fast-paced, offbeat, and laced with dad humor. The balance of relatable “would you rather” debates, gross-out stories, trivia challenges, and a dramatic, highly illogical Olympic battle scenario offers memorable laughs and occasional nuggets of wisdom. Anyone seeking feel-good comedy for the family will be at home—and maybe even curious about pooping in the woods.

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Listen to the full episode for all the running gags, game show hijinks, and winter warfare you never knew you needed!

Transcript

[Jason]

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[Mike]

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[Jason]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason

[Andy]

Ratty tat tat tat dat doink. I really missed the mark there.

[Mike]

Nah, it worked out.

[Jason]

It was like a guy doing the I'm falling for.

[Mike]

I'm still falling for 20ft before he

[Jason]

crashes into a wall. It's good stuff.

[Andy]

In the Rat a tats a little bit earlier so I could sync up the doink, you know what I mean? That's got it. Welcome into the Spitballers. That was the third of four scouts I have to do for Jason another month.

[Jason]

I mean, it's. That means it's six weeks away before I scat again. And hopefully by then I have sold my scat.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

For the next month.

[Andy]

This new strategy is really helping you, isn't it? What? What in the world?

[Mike]

Oh, it's a goose.

[Andy]

Am I the goose? We're doing guest guest goose today and you just threw.

[Mike]

I know. Who's not.

[Josh]

Yeah, I forgot to preset it. So I just tossed it out there.

[Andy]

It's a good thing you're not the goose today, Jason. You don't even have to deal with that.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Would you rather guess? Guess.

[Josh]

Goose.

[Andy]

And we are. We're back in the arena. But this time it's winter. We have a Battle Royale draft at the end of the show today.

[Jason]

It's a good one.

[Andy]

It's a great one. I'm excited for this. This is a Winter Olympics.

[Mike]

We're right on time, man. Right on time for the Winter Olympics.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. They just closing ceremonies and we are going to close it out with a battle. You don't want to battle in the beginning, then no one participates in the event.

[Jason]

Right after gold medals have been awarded, the killing starts.

[Andy]

That's what I'm talking about. Let's jump right in. Al Borland in the building, by the way. Papa Josh as well. Inducers alley. And we got some fun games to play today.

[Josh]

That's right.

[Andy]

All right, let's do it.

[Jason]

Would you rather.

[Andy]

All right. James from Patreon writing in. Would you rather be slightly thirsty no matter how much you drink? That doesn't sound great. Or slightly tired no matter how much you sleep? Give me the thirst.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean I feel like, I

[Mike]

feel like who's not. Who's who is not slightly tired all the time? Is that happening, children? Well, I mean, I'm speaking to a room of adults right now.

[Andy]

When's the last for 30 minutes? After caffeine?

[Jason]

Yeah. I do think that I've got a 30 minute window each day. This is a good some point in the day where I feel like I'm not tired.

[Andy]

Is it with the. It's with an energy drink?

[Jason]

No, I think it's probably about an hour after I wake up. An hour after I wake up. I got a good 30 minutes in

[Andy]

me and you before I'm like before caffeine.

[Jason]

Yeah. I don't usually. I don't usually have coffee in the morning.

[Andy]

You used to.

[Jason]

I mean, sometimes I do, but my fancy normal. I have a coffee maker. I have coffees from time to time, but I don't have a routine.

[Andy]

I drive a Dodge Stratus.

[Jason]

I'm just saying, like I don't have a. I have a morning routine and that does not include.

[Andy]

You could buy any coffee maker and

[Jason]

that does not include coffee as part of my normal routine. If I wake up and I'm really tired, I'll make myself a cup of coffee in the morning.

[Mike]

But interesting.

[Jason]

I feel like I have more coffees. Midday than I have in the morning.

[Andy]

I'm just noticing on our video screen.

[Mike]

What's that?

[Andy]

That there's like blue, then there's like the middle, then there's blue. Yeah, I just. We're redoing the set over here and I was just like, oh, I've never seen the tracks.

[Mike]

We have not experienced it.

[Jason]

Yeah. Looks weird.

[Andy]

I've been wanting. It looks really weird. I've been wondering for a while because, I mean, we buy various drinks and snacks for the office and like, it just seemed like. I really want to understand how many energy drinks are being consumed in this office by Al Borland.

[Jason]

I don't know because he was double fisting it when I saw him. I feel like he had two energy drinks in his hand right before this show.

[Mike]

Al, I would claim HIPAA right now. I would not answer these questions.

[Josh]

Definitely private information.

[Andy]

It can't be private if I'm buying it.

[Josh]

Yeah, thank you.

[Jason]

That's a good point. I mean, it's Andy's information.

[Josh]

I try to stick to two a day. Like the doctor.

[Jason]

Don't always succeed.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

Two of these and call me in the morning.

[Mike]

Two energy drinks a day keeps a doctor away because of death.

[Andy]

Watch yourself, brother.

[Mike]

My heart has exploded.

[Jason]

No longer needing a doctor.

[Andy]

I don't want to be slightly tired no matter how much I sleep. I think I will be thirsty. I mean, I'm in Arizona. I'm always a little bit thirsty.

[Jason]

I feel like I don't remember the last time I wasn't a little thirsty. Like I could always go for a. Go for a. A quinch, you know?

[Mike]

You could go for one.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

You could go for a quench. Jake from the website. Keep trade cut. Bathroom luxuries.

[Mike]

Oh, here we go. Bidets.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

Deregulated high pressure shower heads.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

This is the Jason Moore special.

[Andy]

Or any electronic toothbrush and flosser.

[Jason]

I mean, that's a necessity. So this is tough. This is tough stuff. My.

[Mike]

It's not.

[Jason]

The keep is so easy, my kid. The keep is so easy. I completely agree. It's tough because I want all three of these things. I love all three of these things. And there's different levels, right? There's needs versus desires. Like you don't need a high pressure water shower.

[Andy]

No. But extremely low is almost impossible.

[Mike]

Extremely low price.

[Jason]

But just like a normal, you know, average non illegal shower head. It gets the job done. But I don't like that as much. That's more of a.

[Mike]

Is it illegal?

[Jason]

I don't know. If it is against the law. Yet there are laws.

[Mike]

I don't know. We're Arizona. We're kind of. I mean, we're very wild west here with our.

[Jason]

So it is illegal, but it's not something that is criminal or even prosecutable on an individual level.

[Mike]

I think it is. The shower head has to ship a certain way, right? Like, the manufacturer can't do this. But if you go look at your own risk. If you go look, they're like, hey, this is how the shower head works. You know what we definitely wouldn't do? We wouldn't open this part of the shower head, remove this, put it back together, then install it. We wouldn't do that.

[Jason]

But you don't have to. Just to let you know, Mike, you don't have to open the shower at all. Like, whatever it is. I'm just saying if you.

[Mike]

I've never jailbroke a shower head.

[Jason]

That's exactly what it is. Jailbreaking shower heads. If you go to Amazon and you specifically look for it, that's what I mean. You can find images where it's like. And this little piece at the end regulates the water. What's the guy doing in here? And they just barely put it in. Like, you could just tip it. These showerheads. You just tip it and, like, you know, do the banging on the side. It just fall right out.

[Andy]

They do this exact same thing with these electric E bikes for my son.

[Jason]

Oh, what could go wrong? I mean, at least with mine, I know it's a little wasteful, but I'm not like, murdering.

[Andy]

They sell it.

[Mike]

You're selling the fishes and the turtles.

[Jason]

Yeah, not someone.

[Andy]

They sell it with a 28 mile an hour limit. And then they're like. And this brown wire. You don't really need that brown wire. And then it goes like 80 miles an hour.

[Mike]

That little guy. I won't worry about that little guy.

[Andy]

So if I had to choose which one to get rid of, we all. I'm not getting rid of the bidet.

[Jason]

No one's getting rid of the bidet.

[Andy]

No.

[Jason]

No one goes backwards from a bidet.

[Mike]

Goodness gracious.

[Jason]

You get used to a bidet, which is there's a learning curve and an experience curve. Like when I first had that stream of water on the booty hole.

[Mike]

Yeah, it was weird. It's aggressive. It's a little invasive.

[Jason]

Too strong, and then it becomes not strong enough. You know, it's like, where can I crank that thing up to. Is there a regulator on this? Let me. Let me illegalize My bidet just rip through me.

[Andy]

I got two holes now. I don't feel like I need the electronic toothbrush flosser for one because I didn't use one for forever and was. Yeah, I do have broken.

[Mike]

I got cavities either way.

[Andy]

I got broken teeth either way.

[Jason]

I guess that's really true, people.

[Andy]

I don't know.

[Jason]

Well, yeah, you don't. I would never know. But it is true that, like this, all the improvements in. You know, I've had an electric toothbrush now for a long time, and I've had a cavity with it. I had a cavity with. When I had not electric toothbrushes. It's like you really making a difference. I don't know.

[Mike]

My teeth feel real clean, though.

[Jason]

They got the commercials where you watch what it does in a cup of water. It's pretty impressive, man.

[Andy]

Yeah, I think. I think it's the gums that I care about because you get like. If you don't clean the gums right, then you got pain and all that. And you need to get like. You'll have pain from root scaling and stuff like that.

[Jason]

Oh, that scaly sound.

[Andy]

Never heard about that.

[Mike]

No.

[Andy]

I feel like one of you guys had to do that once.

[Jason]

I have not had it.

[Andy]

That's. If you're like. If you let your gums get away from you, that's like the highest level of gingivitis. I've never had that either, but I know people have gone through it. They got.

[Mike]

Oh, when you have to get like the gum graft and things like that.

[Andy]

No, they just, like. They use some sort of water laser and blast away all the nastiness in there and it's painful.

[Jason]

Just put me under.

[Andy]

Blake from Patreon. Would you rather have a constantly stuffy nose that feels like Mike all the time or a constantly runny nose?

[Mike]

So I will say hashtag, they are not a sponsor, so they will get no pub. But I have. I mean, in the searching for allergy medicine and just something that can actually happen. Because if I don't do anything, I will literally have a 70% clogged nose. That's the baseline.

[Jason]

That's on a good day, right? That's nothing.

[Mike]

70 to 100% would be every day of my life. And then we have located something. And it's not Afrin, though. No, it's not Afrin.

[Jason]

That goes to 100% open.

[Mike]

It's not Afrin and 200% open. It's probably the micro dosing Afrin. Is it destroying my sinuses and My and my body, I don't care because

[Jason]

I have worth it.

[Mike]

I have told my wife, if they're, you know, like, let's say, you know, like you make doomsday, it's like, okay, well I can't survive without this. You know, we make the jokes about them a day.

[Jason]

I said, my wife's a type one diabetic. You got to have like I need to grab my insulin.

[Mike]

If a world exists where I no longer have access to this medicine for my nose. Goodbye. Goodbye. I can't go back.

[Jason]

Is it because it goes to 100% closed or you no longer know how to live with an 80% closed nose.

[Mike]

That of the like the breathing. You're like, oh my. Your mouth is always dry.

[Andy]

You've probably needed surgery for 40 years.

[Mike]

Probably.

[Jason]

And he'll probably need surgery that he doesn't get for the rest of his life as well.

[Mike]

I found a solution. I was just explaining that if that solution were to vanish, so will I.

[Andy]

I'd rather have a stuffy nose than a runny nose for sure. A runny nose. Disgusting. It's gross. And it leads to like you get all sore and red around your nostrils.

[Jason]

A runny nose means guaranteed. I don't care how much you bring Kleenex around with you. It means you got snot on your hands. You're going to end up with snot on your hands. It's just a fact. At some point you're going to do the.

[Mike]

Yeah, but that's not my problem.

[Jason]

That is to your problem. I'm gonna call you out right there. You got snot on your hands, you got yourself a self problem.

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

You don't mind?

[Mike]

Nah.

[Jason]

Oh, disgusting.

[Andy]

I'm more on Jason's side with that one.

[Mike]

Brother, you don't want to know what's on your hands right now. Unless. Unless you are regularly washing snot is the least of your concerns. Sure, maybe not the least, but not the most.

[Jason]

Some concern Things are worse to know about and it's not.

[Andy]

You know what helps if you ever get a cold though and you have the runny nose for a few days. Get the lotion. Oh my God. Get the lotion.

[Mike]

Kleenex. Lotion, Kleenex.

[Andy]

It's a night and day difference. If you use regular Kleenex you will be ripped raw.

[Jason]

When I see someone, my brother in law stayed over this, this last weekend and I watched him rip off a sheet of paper towel for the nose and blow his nose.

[Andy]

That's emergency. One time every year.

[Mike]

That's what I Use when I. When I take my nose sprays.

[Jason]

Yeah, but you can't feel your nose anymore. I mean that. I can't even. I can't watch it. I feel like you might as well be using sandpaper.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Makes you a little tougher.

[Jason]

Like, why not just get some printer paper?

[Andy]

Can you build up nasal calluses like a guitar player?

[Mike]

I mean, with my. I use paper towels all the time. It's just because I'm tougher than you.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

Okay. Yeah.

[Andy]

Try steel wool, Mike.

[Jason]

You also have snot all over your hands and don't care. Yeah, I don't take advantage. Not anymore, I don't.

[Andy]

Gross. Josh from Patreon. Would you rather never be able to eat or drink within two miles of your home? That'd be pretty annoying. Or only be able to eat and drink inside your home? Interesting.

[Jason]

Wait, so then both situations I can't eat or drink within two miles of my home? Like all the restaurants are within two miles of me are out in both situations.

[Andy]

No. Yeah, but in the first scenario, you'd have to drive 2.1 miles away to eat ever, right? So you can't eat in the first one. You have to drive away from your home at least two miles before you can consume food.

[Mike]

So,

[Jason]

man.

[Mike]

So you're picking, like for people. If you work, you are picking. Would you rather be able to eat at work or not? Or eat at home? So I get. Where are you the most?

[Jason]

You pretty much have to eat outside your home, right?

[Mike]

Because that's what I think. So when you're working, I mean, there

[Jason]

are other considerations here. Let's say you toke chook. That was a chosen and a took. You chook. Let's see you chook.

[Mike]

You tried it twice.

[Jason]

Option of you can only eat or drink inside your home. Right? Well, good luck on that family vacation.

[Mike]

Right?

[Andy]

There can't be.

[Jason]

Oh, I go to Hawaii. Exactly. You can't go anywhere. You have to choose.

[Andy]

No, technically.

[Jason]

Are you saying that your home is your hotel?

[Andy]

You could buy a residence and wherever

[Jason]

you're going, I got a beach house.

[Andy]

And then sell it. Right. Is that a way to get out

[Mike]

of that homes where the heart is, guys.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, dude. My heart is in this restaurant.

[Mike]

Every time you're about to eat, you just have to declare, I'm home.

[Jason]

I'm home. Nom, nom, nom.

[Andy]

A third option could be like, you can only eat at the place you spend the most time. But I guess that's your home. I guess that's not your work.

[Jason]

It's always going to be the home because of sleep. You'd have to say the place you spend the most waking time.

[Andy]

Yeah. Where's that?

[Jason]

Probably home.

[Andy]

All right, let's take a break. We'll jump into some guest guest goose.

[Mike]

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[Andy]

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[Mike]

We.

[Andy]

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[Jason]

What time is it? Game time.

[Mike]

Oh yeah.

[Jason]

Put the goose on you dumb nerd. You lost this last time around. So now this entire segment, you wear

[Josh]

a goose, which, ironically, I was looking to see the last time we did this segment, and I couldn't remember, and I pulled it up, and apparently I was not here for this. And it was the episode where Josh didn't know that he had the answers.

[Mike]

Oh, yes. That was.

[Josh]

That was a good watch.

[Andy]

It feels like I should have been saved from the goose. Like, I should have been immune.

[Josh]

No, I watched the whole segment. You deserved it.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

I feel like earned is.

[Andy]

I do like this. Yeah, I'll take. I like it. I don't feel like I want to be the goose again, though. For those playing along at home, we will do six rounds of guest. Guest goose. Al Borland has hit the streets and surveyed a large amount of average.

[Mike]

You wouldn't even believe.

[Josh]

Thousands.

[Andy]

Thousands.

[Mike]

Can't believe how many people.

[Andy]

And so we'll take turns being the one to read the question and set the line, basically. So you'll follow along at home. The first question. What percentage of people are stomach sleepers?

[Jason]

Are we Interesting.

[Mike]

Have we gotten to the point where it's like. It's just. It's okay, because at least in my experience, when we were young, I was told, you can't sleep on your stomach.

[Andy]

I was not told that.

[Jason]

No, I think that's coming. It's super bad for babies. Like, that's where it comes from. Babies are not supposed to sleep on their stomachs because they can literally. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Because they really control their head and everything. Wait, so it was. We just transfer that.

[Jason]

I was.

[Mike]

I feel like all through my growing up, they were like, it's bad for your neck. It's bad for your back. I mean, it's kind of funny you never heard that.

[Andy]

Yeah, it kind of is.

[Mike]

Then why is it the most comfortable position?

[Andy]

Well, it depends on how hard your mattress is.

[Jason]

Why is everything.

[Andy]

Do you look like an. Do you look like the letter U when you're sleeping on your stomach?

[Jason]

That's the other thing. The soft mattress. The soft mattress.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

It's bad for your back.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

Why is it so comfortable? Like, it's the like. Like, you lay on a soft mattress and you're like, this is Right. This is how my body can rest comfortably. It's like, that's gonna destroy what.

[Mike]

Our bodies apparently are designed in such a way that the mattress we feel the most comfortable on will be the mattress we wake up with the most back pain.

[Jason]

Yeah. It makes no sense. It's like our food. Oh, this is terrible. That's good for you.

[Andy]

All right. What percentage of people are stomach sleepers? I have to set the line here, by the way. It's 3 points if you guess the exact percentage. 2 points of view if the guesser is correct, within 5% in each direction, 1 point if the higher, lower guesser gets it correct.

[Josh]

Man.

[Andy]

What percentage of people are stomach sleepers? I'm going to say 38%.

[Mike]

All right, that's a good guess. 38%.

[Jason]

I wrote down my percentage.

[Mike]

Crap.

[Jason]

So I was on a side of that.

[Andy]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Jason]

Well, I'm letting.

[Mike]

Mike, I wrote it down.

[Jason]

Okay. All right. I am lower.

[Mike]

I'm lower as well.

[Jason]

I thought about 28%.

[Andy]

You guys might be right.

[Mike]

I don't feel great about it.

[Andy]

Because you've got back inside two other options. 33 might be at a minimum.

[Jason]

You've also.

[Andy]

I think I was wrong.

[Jason]

You've also got people who aren't. There's a fourth category.

[Andy]

It's no choice.

[Jason]

Exactly.

[Andy]

However you want.

[Jason]

They sleep on all of them. So. Yeah. What is the answer?

[Andy]

I bet it's closer to 25%.

[Josh]

The correct answer is 22%.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Andy]

If I had thought through that just a little bit more. Did you both go lower?

[Jason]

I did.

[Andy]

Yeah. If I had thought through that a little bit more, I think I would have settled in.

[Jason]

The goose was goose. My bad.

[Mike]

All right, Mike, I'm up. What percentage of people have ever put potato chips in a sandwich?

[Andy]

Number should be 100.

[Jason]

Should absolutely be 100%.

[Andy]

It's still not. There's no standardized, like, place that will do this.

[Jason]

It's not a normal. You don't go to.

[Mike]

They're always like, hey, we got this super wacky sub potato chips on it.

[Jason]

You're like, yeah, we've all done that.

[Andy]

Do it on purpose.

[Jason]

Why would you.

[Mike]

We put French fries on.

[Jason]

Why wouldn't you go, yeah, we've done that to, like, Subway. You got, like, the lettuce, the onion. There should be the chips like this should be like, I'll put some ruffles and some mayo.

[Andy]

Yeah, they're crap. They're crushed up.

[Mike]

I've done both.

[Jason]

I like them preferably not crushed up.

[Andy]

Mike, you pick the.

[Mike]

Wow. What percentage of people put potato chips in a sandwich?

[Jason]

I'll.

[Mike]

60%. I have no idea where to go with this.

[Jason]

It's a tough line because we're cool.

[Mike]

Yeah, but people aren't always so cool.

[Andy]

You got yours, Jay.

[Jason]

Are you guys. You guys have mine? Of course. But I feel like I'm going to be really. Maybe I'm low.

[Andy]

Lower.

[Jason]

See, I went higher. I put 70%. I feel like I'm going to be, like, exact opposite, so I don't feel good about this.

[Josh]

What? You felt like you were going to be exact? Is that what you said exactly?

[Jason]

Oh, yes.

[Josh]

That is 70.

[Mike]

Dang it.

[Andy]

I'm good. I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be goose again. I'm gonna be goose again.

[Josh]

Jason gets one point. The other two guys get nothing on that one.

[Jason]

Beautiful.

[Andy]

All right, all right. I've still got zero.

[Jason]

All right, let's hope I can get the exact percentage again, because I get bonus points. I see them figuring out the scoring. Josh can't figure out that.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jason]

I didn't actually have the exact points,

[Andy]

but have ever put potato chip.

[Jason]

Yeah. You thought it was always.

[Andy]

No, I. No, no. I thought it was, like. Yes, yes. Like it was a normal practice. So I messed that up.

[Jason]

Guys, what percentage of people have pooped in the woods?

[Mike]

Now?

[Andy]

Pooped in the woods?

[Mike]

We're saying, like, drop chat woods.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

Not like an outhouse in the.

[Andy]

Correct.

[Jason]

When Al went out and talked to people, he didn't specify. He just said what percentage of people. He said, excuse me, sir, ma'.

[Andy]

Am.

[Jason]

Have you pooped in the woods?

[Andy]

That's right. And by the way, if you ask me that and I say I pooped in a cabin, that doesn't count.

[Mike]

Yeah. Okay. As a bear would poop.

[Andy]

Yes, as a bear.

[Jason]

As a bear. That is actually what was asked. Have you pooped As a bear would poop.

[Andy]

All right, you gotta set the line now.

[Jason]

I gotta set the line. I think that. I think people would be hesitant to say they have, even if they have. So I'm going to drop it a couple percentage points. Yeah. I think if someone asked you, have you pooped in the woods? Be, like, embarrassing.

[Mike]

I feel like it's a badge of honor.

[Andy]

Yeah, I do, too.

[Jason]

All right, well, then 5% in each direction. It's neutral. I used to go camping all the time, and I could go four or five. It doesn't matter. I'm not pooping in the woods.

[Mike]

Like, it just won't happen.

[Jason]

Or you're.

[Mike]

You are.

[Jason]

I could tell my body. I could tell my body.

[Mike]

Shutting it down.

[Andy]

You are not everybody.

[Jason]

I know.

[Mike]

He can't burp.

[Jason]

You know, one of us has, like, master control. One of us has, like, I got nothing. I could say I'm definitely going under 50. What percentage of people have pooped in the woods? Not Everybody even goes camping. I'm going to go 26%.

[Mike]

Lower. Oh, higher.

[Jason]

That's very Norm McDonald.

[Josh]

All right, Andy's gonna walk away with a point on this one. The correct answer. 48%.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

What?

[Mike]

No, it's not.

[Andy]

Yes, everybody goes on some amount of camping trip.

[Jason]

Hold on.

[Mike]

No, I literally never camped in my life.

[Jason]

Mike, you ever pooped in the woods? No. Jason? No. Andy?

[Andy]

Absolutely.

[Jason]

Okay, so we're at 33%, Jeremy.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

Papa dots.

[Jason]

Absolutely.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

Okay, 60%. What was the actual answer?

[Andy]

48.

[Josh]

48.

[Jason]

Oh, man. You pooped monsters.

[Mike]

We got to get the rest of the room on this one.

[Andy]

What? Oh, out there?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Oh, you know, falcons pooped everywhere. I mean, like, he's like, good name.

[Mike]

He was on purpose.

[Jason]

Was it.

[Andy]

Was it pooped in the desert?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

Was it pooped in a mall?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Have you ever pooped in it? Let me stop you right there.

[Josh]

Yes.

[Mike]

Did you answer is yes, the rainforest, because. Yeah.

[Jason]

What kind of woods? Oak?

[Andy]

Taj Mahal? Yes, I have.

[Jason]

We talking willows?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

And yes.

[Mike]

I can tell you which are the best leaves.

[Andy]

All right, here we go. What percentage of people do not eat the crust when eating slices of pizza?

[Mike]

How many children were asked this question?

[Andy]

Yeah, I really.

[Mike]

My children still won't eat the crust.

[Andy]

I see people not eat the crust. I resented.

[Jason]

I often leave my crust and I don't hate crust. I'm not like an anti crust person. But the crust is not the best part of the pizza. I want more it. Sir.

[Andy]

Sir.

[Jason]

Wow, you were really upset.

[Mike]

I kind of like the cross, Sir. Sir.

[Jason]

The best part of that. I respectfully disagree, sir. The best part of that was I meant to say. Sure.

[Andy]

Oh, I know, I know.

[Jason]

This is what made it great.

[Andy]

That was outstanding.

[Jason]

Oh, some pizza, the crust is the best part, but the average pizza you get the crust is the worst part. Not that it's bad, but it's the worst part. And I want more of the best part.

[Andy]

I feel like my goal on pizza is to eat it in such a way that while I eat the crust, I've left a line of marinara on the top and I'm having a marinara breadstick.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Oh, interesting.

[Mike]

I like because it changes it.

[Andy]

I wouldn't want to eat it with zero sauce.

[Jason]

Right. You gotta dip that thing in some ranch.

[Andy]

Unless it's got, like, Ollie bear.

[Mike]

I love crust.

[Andy]

All right. What percentage of people do not eat the crust when eating slices of pizza? I do think it is pretty common. I'm going to try this on for size again. 38%.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

Do not eat the crust is 38.

[Jason]

That's a good line.

[Andy]

Yeah. I think I'm going to try this number again. And you guys are both. I mean, you're both laboring, so hopefully it's a good line.

[Mike]

It is. It's solid. I'm going to go. So the percentage that don't eat the crust, I'm going to go lower. I think more people.

[Jason]

I'm going higher. I was going to. I was. If I was setting the line, I would just say 50%, because I have no idea.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

So I'll take the majority.

[Andy]

Let's find out. You guys are on opposite sides.

[Josh]

The correct answer. 21%.

[Jason]

Michael. All right.

[Andy]

If I just gotten that 25 both times, I would have really been a winner.

[Jason]

Mike and I are tied at two points.

[Andy]

Not too far behind.

[Jason]

Andy has one. Yeah. I mean, it's a one point gap. And this is the last question, right?

[Mike]

No, we got two more.

[Jason]

Okay. That's how this game works.

[Andy]

Gives me a.

[Mike]

Because there's six of them.

[Jason]

Sir. All right, Mike's turn. Yeah.

[Mike]

What percentage of people were you gonna do the question? Brother.

[Andy]

He's inventing words.

[Jason]

He doesn't know what he's saying.

[Mike]

Sir, Sir.

[Jason]

Just go.

[Josh]

It's your turn.

[Mike]

What percentage of people have conducted video calls while not wearing pants?

[Andy]

It's a great question. I feel like everybody should do that at one point or another.

[Jason]

I'm always scared.

[Mike]

Yeah. I don't think I wear underpants. Dangerous.

[Jason]

No, I know. But it's like, what if I have to get up and go somewhere.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

For any reason. You know, and that you would think I would be the one to always be video conferencing without pants, but I would probably not.

[Mike]

Like, I have, like, I've done FaceTime where you're just like, I just have my shirt on and my kids are calling like, this is fine.

[Andy]

That seems more dangerous because I have.

[Mike]

Well, no, I have full control of the camera. Like, if I stand up.

[Jason]

Drop it.

[Mike]

The kid. Yes. Whoa.

[Jason]

Sir.

[Mike]

That's why I have a loop on my phone, Jason. I don't drop my phone.

[Josh]

A FaceTime is a video call. So that would. That would count.

[Mike]

That would. Okay. Well, I was saying I think it's very different to Zoom. The risk is much higher for that because you're just going to lose awareness. I think people take risks there. Yeah, they do.

[Jason]

Reported high risk situations on Zoom.

[Mike]

They do. Percentage of. No.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

No pants on a video call. We're going to Go. I think it's more than not. 65. 65%.

[Jason]

Lower.

[Mike]

Lower.

[Josh]

The correct answer. 47%.

[Mike]

All right, all right.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

I thought it was more.

[Andy]

Does that mean that I'm tied with Mike?

[Jason]

You are two apiece. Three for me.

[Andy]

When's the last time you were a goose, Mike?

[Mike]

It's been a long time.

[Josh]

Had three prior to this one.

[Andy]

Yeah, I know.

[Jason]

Shut your mouth.

[Josh]

All right.

[Andy]

And he's safe though, right?

[Jason]

No, I'm not. I'm not safe because we could hit

[Andy]

an exact or what?

[Mike]

We can.

[Jason]

No, you can't hit an exact score here. If I don't score, we could all have a three way tie here, Right?

[Andy]

Okay. Or you better find another question.

[Josh]

I got you.

[Jason]

Okay. All right. What percentage of people visit a mall at least once a month?

[Andy]

Oh, man. That number's changed over time, Right?

[Jason]

What year was this poll taken?

[Andy]

Yeah, when did you hit the streets?

[Jason]

Was it 1988?

[Josh]

It was just a few weeks ago.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

What percentage of people visit them all at least once a month? Okay, that's very interesting.

[Jason]

I'm going to wait for me to set the line.

[Andy]

You're going to wait for you.

[Mike]

Me too.

[Andy]

I'm gonna wait for you too.

[Jason]

Gosh, man. What percentage of people visit a mall at least once a month?

[Andy]

Wonder what he's gonna chuck.

[Jason]

Sir, I'm. I'm at a loss here. So I'm gonna go 50. 50%. About half of the people.

[Andy]

Okay, so this is tough because there's a gamesmanship here, isn't there?

[Mike]

Sure.

[Jason]

Last question. Set the line right in the middle.

[Mike]

I have written to mine down. We can reveal at the same.

[Andy]

I guess. I guess we have to just live.

[Jason]

Go with whatever you believe.

[Mike]

I went lower.

[Andy]

I went higher.

[Jason]

Okay, we got a game. So long as it's between 40. No, 45 to 55%. I win 36% once a month. 36%.

[Andy]

Me and Jason are tied.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

No. That means you lose, Andy.

[Andy]

Oh, no.

[Jason]

Yeah, even better. You a goose.

[Andy]

All right. I'm a goose again. Yeah, that was worst case scenario.

[Jason]

Mike and I are the winners.

[Andy]

Well, I really thought more people went to the mall at least once a month.

[Mike]

I would. I was at 30 to 40%.

[Josh]

I don't know the last time I went to a mall.

[Andy]

Yeah, I guess that's fair.

[Mike]

It's just not the thing anymore.

[Andy]

I guess I'm more of a once every six months.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, I love going to the mall and I don't go once a month.

[Andy]

Well, and we have nostalgia built in. So if you're like a. A younger person that didn't grow up in mall cultured, dude, you might never want to go.

[Mike]

Malls are a shadow of what they used to be.

[Andy]

They used to be the happening place. Can I take this off yet? Yeah.

[Josh]

You mean not until after the advent.

[Mike]

When? Well, then I'm going to keep it going.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Mike]

When's the last time you guys were at Arrowhead Mall and, like, really walked it?

[Jason]

Couple months.

[Andy]

Couple months.

[Mike]

It's just.

[Andy]

Why didn't I answer that way? Go on.

[Mike]

Like, so many stores are just the same store. And I'm not like. I'm talking about. Yes, there's. I think there's like, six shoe stores.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

And they're the amount of hat stores, the pop culture, like, where you go to get your Funko Pops and all this stuff. It's the exact same store, but there's like, four of them.

[Jason]

Right.

[Mike]

I'm like, what? How are these stores surviving the only

[Andy]

stuff that does survive there anymore, apparently. All right, I lost. I'm the goose. Let's move on.

[Mike]

Welcome to Applebee's. What can I get for you?

[Andy]

I'll have the Bourbon street penne.

[Jason]

Yeah, And I'll have the new Big Easy Burger, please. Oh,

[Andy]

and I'll take the.

[Mike]

Guys, what did we say? You gotta wait for the customer to finish ordering.

[Jason]

Sorry.

[Mike]

I'm sorry, miss, what did you want? The Bayou Shrimp Bowl. That's better. All right, I'll have your taste of the Big Easy coming right up. Applebee's is bringing NOLA to your neighborhood with the return of the Big Easy starting at just 1199.

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[Andy]

What's up, spitballers? Fans, let's talk about. Well, one of my favorite products on the planet, and it's Factor. Look, you got cold days out there for a lot of you. Not us. We're in the warmth all the time. Maybe you got big goals, maybe got no time to cook. That's kind of our situation. Factor makes eating healthy easy with fully prepared meals designed by dietitians and crafted by chefs so you can eat well without planning or cooking. I want to just tell you about our experience with Factor. We were sent some sample meals probably years ago. My son fell in love with the meals we signed up for Factor. Our family gets it every single week. We get ours delivered on Monday. I think we get like 14 to 18 meals a week. I'm telling you, there has not been one meal that I don't like. That's the thing. I'M pretty picky. I'm a picky eater. I'm not saying I eat every vegetable they include. I'm not saying that. But every single meal. It's so quick and easy and fresh and delicious. We absolutely love it. And. And that's the best endorsement you can get is we actually use it. So you can head to factor meals.com ballers50off and use the code ballers50OFF to get 50% off and free breakfast for a year. Eat like a pro this month with factor New subscribers only. Varies by plan. One free breakfast item per box for one year while subscription is active.

[Jason]

The Spitballers draft.

[Andy]

Well, Jason, you have the number one pick.

[Jason]

It's a good draft to have the number one pick.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Unfortunately, I win. We are doing the Winter Olympic. No, I can't. I got a counterpoint for it.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

Winter Olympics battle royale. The arena has frozen over any item used by a winter athlete in the Winter Games. The Olympic games is available for drafting. In this battle. You do have the number one pick.

[Jason]

And I have a biathlon rifle. I got a rifle, guys. And you guys can't get going.

[Andy]

You hear what I'm saying?

[Jason]

I'm saying I'm going to run away from you and shoot you. That's what I'm saying.

[Andy]

Well, you're not going to run. I mean, you got the rifle, but

[Jason]

you don't have it. Doesn't mean I'm a biathlete and I got to be on skis.

[Andy]

Well, what are you going to do? You're in. You're. It's frozen over, brother.

[Mike]

Are we in snow or ice?

[Andy]

I think we're more in the ice department. I'm just saying you may be slip, slip sliding.

[Jason]

I'll lay down. I'll lay down and snipe.

[Mike]

Really go prone. Your aim will be better anyway.

[Andy]

It's hard to counter affect the gun. But you will have to reload this thing. If you've seen the biathlon, like there's reloading.

[Mike]

I have not.

[Jason]

I've watched.

[Andy]

I think there is. No, there's not unlimited clips. There's not firing Tommy guns.

[Jason]

They fire like five or six shots in a row. They do, yeah. Because they got to hit a bunch of targets in a row.

[Mike]

But it's not like single bolt action. I think it is increase someone.

[Andy]

Would you do a lot of research when you decided you were going to pick a. Has anyone ever watch gun?

[Jason]

I've watched it.

[Mike]

You have?

[Jason]

Yeah. That's like the coolest event. Those dudes are awesome. They're like skiing and then they just got a gun for some reason. They're like, check this out. Now I'm gonna shoot a target on skis.

[Andy]

It is the weirdest.

[Jason]

So weird.

[Andy]

It's such a weird.

[Jason]

And it's like, it's apparently really huge and popular in other countries. Whereas like here it's like a gimmick. Right like there it's like I grew up, you know, to be a biathlete so that I could shoot a rifle on skis.

[Mike]

Like so many of the, the Winter Olympics, maybe the summer is the same. But like so many of these events are just really this. Like if you guys seen curling and. No, curling is like, that's a really. It's fun.

[Jason]

Yeah, but it really.

[Mike]

I'm saying I'm more towards like, you know, of skeleton. Right. Oh, have you seen doubles?

[Andy]

Yeah, they do doubles.

[Mike]

Why? They literally just lay on each other.

[Jason]

Wait a minute.

[Mike]

Look it up, bro.

[Jason]

Wait a minute. But they're just like a sandwich.

[Andy]

They don't do skeleton that way. They do the one where luge.

[Mike]

It's not double skeleton.

[Andy]

They're not going to put you luge is on the back.

[Mike]

Well, yeah, because feet, they're just laying on each other first is fine. But double skeleton, we draw the line.

[Jason]

Why would they just lay. Hey, you know what would make me go faster?

[Andy]

Lay up.

[Jason]

Lay down on me. Check this out.

[Andy]

So here you got the rifle. That is the number one pick.

[Josh]

What I'm seeing is they're allowed five rounds in the rifle and they're allowed to carry up to three rounds extra.

[Jason]

There you go.

[Andy]

So you get eight rounds. Well, you know what?

[Jason]

I'm gonna need two.

[Andy]

I'm gonna do my. No, you're gonna need more. Because my pick is gonna be versatile on this frozen over rink. I'm not going with the hockey skates. I'm going with the speed skating skates and suit. I'm going to be zipping all over it. And if you've seen the blades for speed skating, they are they very thin. They are longer and more dangerous to stab with.

[Jason]

Yeah, for sure.

[Andy]

So I'm going to use it to dodge your five shots. And then while you scramble to reload,

[Jason]

I'm coming over and I'll whap you with a rifle. Just take a swing like a baseball bat.

[Andy]

I'm taking the speed skating. Can I have the suit with the ice? Can I have the suit? I want to be aerodynamic.

[Jason]

Really?

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

All right. Mike allows it. I would let the record show you

[Andy]

wouldn't have allowed It.

[Jason]

Of course not. Do you know why?

[Mike]

I will allow it, Jason?

[Jason]

I know what you're taking. Yeah. That's why I don't want to allow it. No, no, no. Why?

[Mike]

Because you have a rifle. You did not declare you have rifle and ammo.

[Andy]

I was gonna say that. I was gonna say. Exactly.

[Mike]

We're just making.

[Jason]

Fine.

[Mike]

Well, actually, like get out of here. So my first picture this was while biathlon rifle is. That's the right pick. There's the cool pick. I will take a gold medal, boys, because when I. When I thwap you in the head and you are gone. When I have vanquished you with a gold medal. With my gold medal.

[Andy]

That's a glory play also.

[Jason]

That is like a, you know, I don't know how large a 3 inch gold vest don't shoot you in the metal.

[Mike]

Right?

[Jason]

You know what I mean?

[Mike]

Yeah. It might stop it.

[Andy]

Can you shoot through gold with a.

[Mike]

With a bolt action bifling rifle? No one knows.

[Jason]

Probably.

[Andy]

I don't think. I think Batman put one of those

[Josh]

things in there from distance. I think you would. You'd be.

[Jason]

I. I'd be right next to him.

[Andy]

Mike, you get another.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

And

[Mike]

so with the second pick. So I got the gold medal.

[Andy]

How do you do in the cold, Jason? Do you like the cold?

[Jason]

I actually adore the cold.

[Mike]

He does thrive. He does thrive. But I will be bringing some heat into the cold because you can't kick off the Olympics without the Olympic torch.

[Jason]

Nice.

[Mike]

I will bring fire to your ice battle now.

[Andy]

Does it?

[Jason]

I mean, I had. I had to do some research because

[Andy]

I item used by a winter athlete alone.

[Josh]

I was thinking the same thing with the metal. I was. It's right on the fence there.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Josh]

I thought we were going with the sports, but okay.

[Andy]

Sports.

[Jason]

I'm fine with it. I was going. I'm fine with it. I was going to drum. I really wanted to take the burning arrow. That was just summer, but. Yeah, but it was using the summer Olympics.

[Mike]

I just like. They got to run the torch. Do they not do that in winter?

[Andy]

I don't think so.

[Mike]

Whatever. I'm taking it.

[Andy]

It's too cold.

[Mike]

I'm too cold for that fire.

[Andy]

I'm going to take the curling.

[Jason]

Fires can't work in the cold.

[Andy]

I'm going to take the curling stone.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

It is 42 pounds of granite.

[Mike]

It's just going to be chaos in there.

[Andy]

It is a skull crusher.

[Mike]

Like a pinball.

[Andy]

It is throwable. And I just feel like that.

[Mike]

That will be Easily dodgeable. Yeah.

[Josh]

When was the last time you threw a 42 pound object?

[Mike]

Well, you don't throw it, you slide it.

[Andy]

I can swing. I could probably jump on it and ride it like a surfboard.

[Mike]

So just back off now with your

[Andy]

skates on, Mike is going to be taking the Olympic coverage and the announcers. All right, back to Jason.

[Jason]

All right, well, I thought I was going to have to maybe get one or the other, but thanks to Andy with his skates and suit, I am taking the full goalie hockey setup. I have the goalie pads and a hockey stick in one pick. Thank you, Andy.

[Mike]

Very solid.

[Jason]

You will not be.

[Andy]

He doesn't get the stick.

[Mike]

He has two picks.

[Andy]

Wait. Oh, he does have two picks. Yeah, that's true.

[Jason]

No, I got two picks, but you're telling me I don't get that together.

[Mike]

No, no, no.

[Jason]

Okay, but just to be clear, Andy gets these skates.

[Andy]

It's just. Dude, it's some freaking nylon, man. I don't need it. Take it away if you want. I mean, I just want to look

[Jason]

like a speed skate.

[Andy]

It's for aesthetics.

[Jason]

That will be.

[Andy]

It's not for protection.

[Jason]

That will be both of my picks because I'm going to take the armor of the goalie kit and I will take a hockey stick to.

[Andy]

Okay, so not the goalie stick. Got it. You're taking a regular stick.

[Jason]

Well, actually, honestly, you're looking at me and I. I don't know that. I didn't know there's a difference.

[Andy]

Well, that's.

[Mike]

Goalie shape is gigantic.

[Jason]

Well, then that's the one I'm taking because I'm a goalie.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

Goalie stick and goalie. I got. I even had whatever the.

[Andy]

It's called a headdress.

[Mike]

Yeah, the ceremonial headdress of the hockey goalie.

[Andy]

All right, I'm taking here my chance. I'm taking a pair of skis. I can use them for mobility as well. I could. All because I'm going to eventually take off my speed skating skates and slash. They won't be on my feet anymore.

[Mike]

If you fall three times in a

[Andy]

row, I can also hit you with a giant ski. I know it's more for swinging the skis around.

[Jason]

I just watched on a flight ballerina, the John Wick.

[Mike]

Oh, how was. I haven't watched.

[Jason]

It was actually. I've seen it standing. I thought it was so good. But there is a scene in there where she does some murder with ice skates. I mean, some real cool murder with ice skates. Kids don't do murder, kids.

[Andy]

Yeah, we in winter or summer. No murder.

[Mike]

These are all just jokes.

[Andy]

My. This show is a joke. Mike. Gold medal Olympic torch. The broadcast team still available.

[Mike]

So I could take my.

[Andy]

You could take the Olympic rings, obviously. And then you can swing those around podium.

[Jason]

So look, I could stand up here and have height. Yeah. I will attack down on you.

[Andy]

You got two more picks, cowboy.

[Mike]

So I will. So we're on ice.

[Andy]

Some of it's ice, Some of it's snow. I think it's a 50. 50 miss.

[Mike]

Okay, whatever. I'm taking a bobsled.

[Andy]

That's fine.

[Mike]

All right, so.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's like a big missile.

[Mike]

I can jump in this thing. Yeah.

[Andy]

And straight.

[Jason]

And go nowhere.

[Andy]

You go straight.

[Mike]

Yeah, but it doesn't matter. I can duck down. This is built for four. And one person in here, you can

[Andy]

hide from the bullets.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And then just go. I'm zipping back and forth across the rink. Nobody's near him. That's a good pick.

[Mike]

And then, I mean, I don't. I guess some. Some skeeples.

[Andy]

Silver medal.

[Mike]

Some skeeples. I would never. A silver.

[Jason]

Embarrassing loser.

[Andy]

Ski poles are great.

[Jason]

I didn't ask the team with silver if they're happy.

[Andy]

I didn't include the ski poles with my skis because I'm a respectable person, you know, I mean, I don't just

[Mike]

get both of them, right. That would be silly.

[Jason]

When I took two picks.

[Andy]

My final pick is going to be a little bit of a tricky one here. I think it's going to be very helpful. It is going to be the netting from the hockey goal. I'm going to use the netting from the hockey goal to throw it upon you inside the box to trap you within thy netting. And then I will slash you with my skate. Slash skis. Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike]

One skate, one ski.

[Andy]

And depending on unstoppable, depending on whether Jason lets me, I'll be dressed like a speed skater or a normal person.

[Jason]

Nice try getting through my headdress. Not happening. Okay.

[Andy]

Ceremonial hockey.

[Jason]

Ceremonial hockey headdress. Yeah. Good luck. You know, I feel like I don't need anything else between my gun, my hockey stick, and my hockey gear.

[Andy]

You shoot a lot with big pads on.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Easy.

[Mike]

He said.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, I do all the time.

[Andy]

Oh, Al, you just said the same thing. Yep.

[Jason]

You know, but I might as well grab another shield that I can also use as a weapon. I'll take a snowboard. Another thwap. You on the back.

[Andy]

You're doing a lot of thwapping.

[Jason]

Like Crazy.

[Andy]

You honestly, like, Mike has a bobsled, right? Yeah, I've got. I've got skis and the skates. You didn't really have mobility. I think that was a. You said shield. It's a better pick for mobility. You're out on the ground.

[Jason]

I can move around. I can do everything.

[Mike]

It's not. If this is flat ground, that is not good for mobility.

[Jason]

That's how I feel about your bobsled.

[Andy]

What?

[Mike]

No. I push that thing and then I just go in a straight line.

[Jason]

You push it for 4 inches.

[Mike]

No way that baby will glide. That's what we're on the ice, man.

[Jason]

Usually it goes downhill.

[Andy]

I am almost out of honorable mention picks, by the way. I don't really have any.

[Mike]

I had it. I did have the starter pistol.

[Andy]

Of course. Everything an athlete doesn't have.

[Jason]

Yeah. Amazing. I mean, it's at the Winter Olympics.

[Andy]

That's sneaky. That would have started.

[Mike]

I also felt. I'm like, well, it's not going to be armed. It's just going to scare you.

[Jason]

True. Yeah. It's probably not a real bullet.

[Mike]

There's definitely not a real bullet.

[Andy]

They used to use a starter bazooka, actually. No. I almost had nothing left.

[Mike]

Oh, same.

[Josh]

So the luge, whatever the sled is that they use for the luge, those have, like two blades on the bottom of it.

[Andy]

Yeah, those are nice.

[Josh]

Shield.

[Andy]

But then describing it would have sounded like that. Yeah, I don't. Is it just called the luge?

[Jason]

Is it a loose.

[Andy]

I don't know.

[Mike]

Or a skeleton sled? I imagine. But I took Zambo. If I didn't have Zamboni, I would have gone with the skeleton sled. You took Zamboni or. I'm sorry, Not Zamboni. Bob sled.

[Andy]

You took only maintenance.

[Jason]

A good pick.

[Andy]

He's taking only maintenance. No athlete uses a Zamboni. They don't Zamboni race.

[Jason]

I don't need it to be an athlete thing. It just said at the Winter Olympics.

[Andy]

No, it doesn't. It says any item used by a winter athlete.

[Jason]

Oh, well, that wasn't what it said when we were. Yes, it is.

[Andy]

Yes, it is.

[Jason]

That isn't what was said when we were making our list.

[Andy]

It was.

[Mike]

It. I just looked. It was, but I. I didn't remember that it was.

[Andy]

I followed the rules.

[Mike]

I didn't. I just was doing Winter Olympic stuff.

[Andy]

Oh, my goodness.

[Jason]

What did we learn today?

[Andy]

Well, I mean, I'm learning that Jason's not the permanent goose, which I thought he was.

[Jason]

Yeah. I'M learning. I'm great at that. And Andy is.

[Mike]

Apparently half of people have pooped in the woods. I call shenanigans on that.

[Andy]

Try it, man. It's a good time.

[Mike]

I'm not above it.

[Jason]

Not a good time.

[Andy]

Oh, it's a great time.

[Josh]

Really.

[Jason]

How's your woods bidet?

[Andy]

Well, it's dirt. Yeah, dirt don't hurt.

[Mike]

Put some dirt on it. Goodbye everybody.

[Jason]

Bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com.

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[Mike]

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