Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Pooping In The Woods & An Olympic Battle Royale

Date: March 2, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

Episode Overview

This episode of the Spitballers Podcast dives into the trio’s signature blend of clean, irreverent comedy and everyday absurdities. Lively debates around life’s quirks—like pooping in the woods, modern bathroom luxuries, and surviving with perpetual thirst or fatigue—set the stage for hilarious and surprisingly relatable conversations. The episode culminates in a Winter Olympics “Battle Royale” draft, where each host drafts equipment from Olympic events to hypothetically conquer an icy arena.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Would You Rather: The Human Condition (04:00 – 16:00)

• Thirst vs. Tiredness:
  Would you rather always feel slightly thirsty or slightly tired, no matter how much you drink or sleep?

  • Andy instantly opts for thirst, “Give me the thirst.” (04:03)
  • Mike: “Who's not slightly tired all the time? Is that happening, children?” (04:05)
  • Jason describes how he rarely feels not tired, except for a fleeting 30 minutes after waking up:
    “I do think I've got a 30-minute window each day... some point in the day where I feel like I'm not tired.” (04:18)

• Energy Drinks & Morning Routines:

  • A comedic investigation into office energy drink consumption, leading to playful HR banter:
    • Mike, jokingly: “Al, I would claim HIPAA right now. I would not answer these questions.” (05:49)
    • Josh: “Definitely private information.” (05:53)
    • Josh admits: “I try to stick to two a day. Like the doctor. Don't always succeed.” (06:02)
    • Mike: “Two energy drinks a day keeps a doctor away—because of death.” (06:11)

• Bathroom Luxuries: Bidets, Shower Heads & Electric Toothbrushes (06:40 – 11:20)

  • Hosts play “keep, trade, cut” with bathroom items:
    • Bidet (unanimous keeper):
      • Jason: “No one goes backwards from a bidet.” (09:28)
      • Hilarious debate on “jailbreaking” showerheads—removing flow restrictors for that illegal high-pressure payoff.
      • Mike describes electric toothbrushes: “My teeth feel real clean, though.” (10:35)
      • Andy: “It's the gums that I care about. If you don't clean the gums, then you got pain.” (10:45)
      • Ominous “root scaling” stories prompt: “Just put me under.” – Jason (11:20)

• Nose Troubles: Runny vs. Stuffy (11:22 – 14:56)

  • Mike shares his lifelong struggle with a stuffy nose, joking that if his nasal spray ever ran out, “so will I.” (12:15)
  • On nasal emergencies and facial toughness:
    • Andy: “A runny nose is disgusting… you get all sore and red.”
    • Jason: “A runny nose means guaranteed, I don't care how much Kleenex... you got snot on your hands.” (13:13)
    • Paper towels vs. tissues sparks debate on facial toughness.

• "Home or Away" Food Challenge (15:02 – 17:11)

  • Would you rather never eat or drink within two miles of home, or only be able to eat/drink inside your home?
    • Hosts parse travel, family vacations, and define “home” (Mike: “Homes where the heart is, guys.” 16:35)
    • Jason, on vacation restrictions: “Oh, I go to Hawaii—Exactly. You can't go anywhere.”

2. Game Time: Guess Guess Goose! (19:27 – 34:49)

Al Borland surveys thousands for quirky facts—hosts guess, haggle, and risk getting stuck as “the goose,” complete with a feathery prop.

Notable Questions & Timestamps:

• Stomach Sleepers (20:24)
  • Andy guesses 38%, Mike and Jason both predict lower.
  • Actual: 22%. “If I had thought through that just a little bit more...” – Andy (22:59)
• Potato Chips on a Sandwich (23:09)
  • Mike: 60%, Jason: 70% (actual). “Should absolutely be 100%.” – Jason (23:17)
• Pooping in the Woods (25:13)
  • Jason: “I could tell my body, I could tell my body—shutting it down.” (26:19)
  • Actual: 48%. “You pooped monsters!” – Jason (27:10)
• Pizza Crust Refusers (27:51)
  • Heated argument over pizza etiquette. “Sir. Sir.” – Andy, objecting to crust slander (28:11)
  • Actual: 21%
• Video Calls Without Pants (30:16)
  • Mike: 65%, actual: 47%. Jason feigns caution, Andy calls everyone out: “I feel like everybody should do that at one point or another.” (30:22)
• Mall Visits (32:14)
  • Jason: 50%, actual: 36%, revealing shopping trends have indeed shifted.
  • “Malls are a shadow of what they used to be.” – Mike (34:03)

Scoring Finale & Banter:

• Andy ends up as the “goose” (again), donned with the appropriate prop, and subjected to light-hearted ridicule:
  “I'm a goose again. Yeah, that was worst case scenario.” – Andy (33:33)

3. Spitballers Winter Olympics Battle Royale Draft (36:51 – 49:59)

The epic hypothetical: If you were in a wintry, frozen arena, what Winter Olympics item would you draft for battle?

First Round Picks (36:56–41:36)

• Jason: Biathlon rifle (“I'm saying I'm going to run away from you and shoot you. That's what I'm saying.” – 37:26)
• Andy: Speed skating skates & suit for mobility and offensive skating (“I want to be aerodynamic!” – 40:37)
• Mike: The gold medal, for ceremonial and symbolic “thwapping.”

Second & Third Rounds: Notable Picks

• Mike: Olympic torch (fire for the ice arena); bobsled (for defense or missile-like attacks); ski poles.
• Andy: Curling stone (“It is 42 pounds of granite… a skull crusher.” – 43:00); pair of skis for offense/mobility; netting from the hockey goal for trapping opponents.
• Jason: Full hockey goalie setup (pads & stick for defense); snowboard as an extra shield and thwapping weapon.

Draft Highlights & Memorable Quotes:

• On “illegal” Olympic items:
  • Mike tries for the Olympic torch: “Fires can't work in the cold.” – Andy (42:15)
  • Andy calls out curling stone: “That will be easily dodgeable.” – Mike (43:10)
• Strategic bickering:
  • Andy, on using netting: “I’m going to use the netting from the hockey goal to throw it upon you… and slash you with my skate/slash skis.” (47:09)
  • Jason, on his padded advantage: “Good luck. You know, I feel like I don’t need anything else between my gun, my hockey stick, and my hockey gear.” (47:37)

4. Notable Moments & Running Jokes

• Bidet Advocacy:
  “You get used to a bidet, which is there’s a learning curve… Like, when I first had that stream of water on the booty hole … it was weird. It’s aggressive.” – Jason (09:41)

• On Surviving Without Nasal Spray:
  “If that solution were to vanish, so will I.” – Mike (12:15)

• On Pizza Etiquette:
  “I feel like my goal on pizza is to eat it in such a way that while I eat the crust, I’ve left a line of marinara on the top and I’m having a marinara breadstick.” – Andy (28:42)

• On Pooping in Nature:
  “Try it, man. It’s a good time.” – Andy
  Jason: “Not a good time.”
  Andy: “Oh, it’s a great time.” (50:12)

Memorable Quotes

• Jason: “No one goes backwards from a bidet.” (09:28)
• Mike: “Two energy drinks a day keeps a doctor away—because of death.” (06:11)
• Andy: “Sir. Sir.” (28:11, classic moment objecting to anti-crust sentiment)
• Mike: “Apparently half of people have pooped in the woods. I call shenanigans on that.” (50:08)
• Andy: “Try it, man. It’s a good time.” (50:12)

Important Timestamps

• Would You Rather (Thirsty/Tired): 04:00 – 06:40
• Bathroom Luxuries: 06:40 – 11:20
• Runny/Stuffy Nose: 11:22 – 14:56
• Home/Away Food Debate: 15:02 – 17:11
• Guess Guess Goose Segment: 19:27 – 34:49
• Winter Olympic Battle Royale Draft: 36:51 – 49:59

Summary

This episode is classic Spitballers: fast-paced, offbeat, and laced with dad humor. The balance of relatable “would you rather” debates, gross-out stories, trivia challenges, and a dramatic, highly illogical Olympic battle scenario offers memorable laughs and occasional nuggets of wisdom. Anyone seeking feel-good comedy for the family will be at home—and maybe even curious about pooping in the woods.

Listen to the full episode for all the running gags, game show hijinks, and winter warfare you never knew you needed!