Search History Surprise & Things That Are Purple - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

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Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Search History Surprise & Things That Are Purple - Spit Hits!
Date: April 3, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

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Episode Overview

In this high-energy and ridiculous episode, the Spitballers trio (Andy, Mike, and Jason) embark on a laughter-filled journey through hilarious hypotheticals, internet search shenanigans, and a draft of the “best” things that are purple. Along the way, they debate life-altering "Would You Rather" questions, dig into the nuanced differences among similar words, and riff on the absurdities of modern life. It’s classic Spitballers: rapid-fire improv, dad-joke energy, and family-friendly nonsense.

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Key Segments & Discussions

1. Scat Routine & Banter (01:11–03:08)

• Opens with Jason’s enthusiastic, P-heavy scat (“blippity ploppity bloopity ploppity bow”).
• Immediate ribbing ensues; Andy and Mike jokingly critique the performance.
• Establishes the easygoing, playful tone for the episode.

"This moment in time right now, this is the greatest. This is the farthest you can get from a scat."
— Andy (02:07)

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2. Would You Rather: $1 Million Cash or $5 Million Amazon Gift Card? (03:08–11:59)

• Premise: Would you rather get $1 million in cash or $5 million in Amazon gift cards?
• Initial Thoughts: The trio quickly digs into the limitations of gift cards vs. cash, such as not being able to buy houses or cars directly on Amazon.

"You can't buy vehicles and real estate on Amazon."
— Andy (03:28)

• Tactics and Loopholes: They debate buying expensive items on Amazon, flipping them for cash, and how impractical (but possibly profitable) that could be.
• They discover Amazon’s search history is full of massage chairs, leading to a hilarious "whodunit" among the staff, with Andy sheepishly accepting potential guilt.
• Discussion devolves into the ridiculous logistics of paying for a house with 10,000 $100 gift cards and the challenge of storing them.
• Final Decisions: All agree $5 million in Amazon gift cards is too much value to pass up, especially with the potential to buy gift cards for other stores and even Visa gift cards on Amazon as a workaround.

"I'm just doing the math. That means if I'm selling this house for a million dollars and each gift card is $100, that means I have 10,000 gift cards. That doesn't work. That doesn't work for life."
— Jason (11:24)

Memorable Moment:
Extended laughter as they imagine handing over thousands of gift cards to pay a landlord or buy a house.

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3. Would You Rather: Never Get Sick or Never Experience Traffic? (11:59–15:59)

• Premise: Would you rather never get sick or never have to deal with traffic?
• They clarify whether “sickness” includes serious illnesses, motion sickness, or just colds/flus.
• Mike is emphatic: “I will sit in so much traffic. If I can get just motion sickness [gone], to get to those places, that's fine. And I will enjoy every moment of it.” (13:04)
• Jason is closer to picking traffic, but, considering the rarity and inconvenience of illness, all ultimately choose never being sick.

"You can't catch anything from anybody."
— Andy (14:48)

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4. Would You Rather: Concert Front Row vs. Side-Stage “Wings” (16:01–19:39)

• Premise: Front row seat at your favorite artist’s concert, or side-stage “wings” view?
• The gang commiserates about how front row is often overrated—a bad view, forced to stand, hearing only the woofers.
• Backstage/side-stage, in contrast, is “special” though the sound may not be great—but you’re “in the show” in a sense.
• They name their “favorite” concerts they’d use this for—Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo, and The Midnight.

"If I could sit side stage at a concert with the biggest production, just to see that up close would be cooler than my favorite artist at a regular show."
— Andy (19:11)

Consensus: Everyone picks “stage wings.”

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5. Would You Rather: Fully Functional Iron Man Suit or The Force (Star Wars)? (19:54–27:08)

• Premise: Iron Man suit with all its technological bells and whistles versus access to The Force from Star Wars?
• Extended, spirited debate. Andy is Team Force from the start, Mike and Jason are Team Iron Man ("You are way more a superhuman in the suit.").
• They discuss limitations, coolness, and practicalities—like upgrades, suit maintenance, breathing in space, and whether The Force would "run out of energy."
• Tangential side-quest into Star Wars logic: Why do Jedi ever fight with lightsabers instead of just “spamming” The Force? (22:11–23:43)
• Andy pleads: “Iron Man would beat a Jedi in a fight... Oh, he would massacre a Jedi.”
• Mike: “Would Iron Man beat a Jedi? He would massacre a Jedi!”
• Andy: “I think the opposite! Crush the metal with the Force!” (27:28–27:38)

Producer Poll:

Al (producer) chooses Iron Man Suit, the other producer chooses The Force.

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6. What’s the Difference? (27:08–37:51)

A rapid-fire series where the guys try (often semi-seriously) to define the distinctions between confusingly similar things, riffing and bickering the whole time.

a) Salve vs. Ointment vs. Balm (28:01–30:28)

• Jason: “Balms are exclusively for lips.”
• Andy: “A salve needs to be a little minty... Like putting out a fire, if you’ve got a burn.”
• Lots of jokes about drinking salve (“You could drink a salve,” Jason deadpans), but ultimately, they settle on a scale of thickness:
  • Salve: Most liquid
  • Ointment: Thicker
  • Balm: Almost waxy

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b) Amateur vs. Beginner vs. Novice (30:28–33:44)

• “Beginner” = You just started.
• “Novice” = You just started and you suck.
• “Amateur” = Not professional, may still be good, but it’s not your career.
• Extended riffing about juggling and “novice luck” as opposed to “beginner’s luck.”

c) Game vs. Match vs. Contest (33:46–37:51)

• Game: Smaller unit (e.g., in tennis: “game, set, match”)
• Match: The larger overall competition.
• Contest: Usually has a single winner (person or animal!), “trivial,” and often involves pies or best-looking pigs (Charlotte’s Web, Babe references).
• They muse about how words mean different things in different sports and bemoan the oddity of European “matches.”

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7. Draft: Things That Are Purple (39:53–52:59)

Draft Order: Jason, Andy, Mike (snake draft style)

1. Jason: Grapes
   (Immediate regret: “I had the first pick, and I went with grapes...”)
2. Andy: Thanos
3. Mike: Amethyst
4. Mike: Royalty (“the color of royalty” — more concept than object)
5. Andy: Grimace (McDonald's character)
6. Jason: Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle)
7. Jason: Purple Rain (Prince song/album/movie)
8. Andy: Shredder (TMNT villain)
9. Mike: Eggplant (“very hip and very trendy...as an emoji!”)
10. Mike: Joker (as a purple-themed villain)
11. Andy: Waluigi (Mario franchise)
12. Jason: Purple Stuff (“from the Sunny Delight commercial!”)

Debate and honorable mentions:
Plums, Purple Heart (the medal), bruises, Mace Windu’s lightsaber, Barney, Twitch logo, teams (Vikings, Ravens), and the one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater. Joking lament about the lack of truly awesome purple objects in the world.

"There's just not a lot of great purple things... The color let God down."
— Jason (40:34)

"Purple might be my favorite color."
— Mike (46:43)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jason (scat anxiety): “This is the furthest I am away from scatting. Again. Feels good. Feels real good.” (02:12)
• Amazon Massage Chair Search Mystery:
  (06:00–06:42) – The entire cast tries to uncover which one of them keeps searching for massage chairs, with playful accusations and denials, ending in Andy’s noncommittal “maybe it was me…”
• Iron Man Suit vs The Force:
  “You are way more a superhuman in the suit than you are [with the Force].” — Jason (23:39)
  “Iron man could mow down 100 Jedis.” — Jason (27:28)
  “Just crush the metal, and you’re done. Use the Force to crush the body inside the metal.” — Andy (27:36)
• Purple Draft Regrets:
  “I had the first pick, and I went with grapes... I really did.” — Jason (43:27)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Scat & Banter: 01:11–03:08
• Would You Rather – $1M vs $5M Amazon: 03:08–11:59
• Would You Rather – Never Sick vs Never Traffic: 11:59–15:59
• Concert Front Row vs. Side-Stage: 16:01–19:39
• Iron Man Suit vs. The Force: 19:54–27:08
• What's the Difference Segment: 27:08–37:51
• Purple Draft: 39:53–52:59
• Honorable Mentions & Draft Debrief: 52:59–end

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Episode Highlights

• Classic Spitballers mixture of absurd hypotheticals, high school-level debates about semantics, and group therapy over the scarcity of purple items.
• Standout “who’s been searching for massage chairs?” moment (05:31–06:42).
• Genuinely nerdy but hilarious “Iron Man suit vs. The Force” debate (including cameo input from producers) (19:54–27:08).
• The mass existential crisis that is the “Things That Are Purple” draft, ending in collective purple fatigue and Jason’s new-found hatred of the color.
• Endearing group dynamic: the guys lovingly roast each other, vent about life’s weirdest problems, and spiral into improvised tangents full of genuine laughter.

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For Fans Who Missed the Show:
This episode is classic Spitballers: snappy banter, goofy hypothetical choices, accidental philosophy (“the color let God down”), and a uniquely specific draft that will leave you pondering why purple just doesn’t get its due in the color world. The interplay between Andy, Mike, and Jason is on-point, with comedy fueled as much by their failures as their successes.

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Best Dad Joke Energy Award:
"We play pickleball. We have the same thing. Except better sport."
— Jason (36:36)

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Transcript

[Jason]

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[Jason]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A blippity ploppity bloopity ploppity bow.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

Yeah. All right.

[Andy]

I'm down. I'm down for that.

[Jason]

I came with the P today.

[Andy]

Yeah, no, it's good. It's good. I'm in.

[Jason]

All right.

[Andy]

That was fine. You were.

[Mike]

I thought you were a robot.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Were you going for a robot?

[Jason]

I was not going. I was going. So we're doing a purple draft, too.

[Andy]

So the letter P. Just the letter.

[Mike]

I just wanted plosions.

[Jason]

Plosions. That was my motivation. And now we approach my favorite part of the Spitballers comedy podcast, which is the furthest I am away from scatting. Again.

[Andy]

Yeah. This moment in time right now, this is the greatest. This is the farthest you can get from a scat.

[Jason]

Feels good. Feels real good.

[Andy]

And you did well. I mean, you have such a wide range of outcomes, all the way from the most terrible scats to kind of bad ones. Right. Anywhere in that range. No, that was good. I like it. Welcome in.

[Mike]

I liked it.

[Andy]

Yeah, we liked your scat.

[Jason]

Thank you, guys.

[Mike]

You're welcome. Because I didn't.

[Jason]

Oh, you rapscallion.

[Andy]

This is coming from Mr. No, I.

[Mike]

Did poodle over there.

[Andy]

Would you rather. What's the difference?

[Mike]

And we are drafting you could have said poodle.

[Jason]

I should have. Would have stayed with my plosions.

[Andy]

We are drafting things that are purple on today's episode. Thank you for joining us. Al Borland is here.

[Jason]

What's up, Spit Watts?

[Andy]

There he is. There he is. Papa Josh in the building as well. Gross. What's up, Spit Wads?

[Mike]

There you go.

[Andy]

And let's kick it off.

[Jason]

Would you rather.

[Andy]

All right, Stefan from Patreon says, would you rather receive 1 million in cash or a $5 million Amazon gift card?

[Jason]

That's so funny. That's a good question. That's actually legitimate.

[Andy]

You can't buy vehicles and real estate on Amazon.

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

So those would be off the table.

[Mike]

They probably have tiny houses.

[Andy]

You could buy a bunch of tiny houses to construct a bigger house.

[Mike]

Just saying.

[Andy]

But I'm saying in theory, like the big events, like someone who gets a million dollars, the number one thing they say normally is like, I'm going to buy a new house or I'm going to buy a new car. So that might. Other than the tiny house or like a bunch of E bikes that Mike is picking up. But $5 million on Amazon is. I mean, most other stuff in life will be free for you forever.

[Mike]

I'm looking up the most expensive stuff possible.

[Andy]

Are you? I was thinking, obviously, your groceries are free for life forever, because you buy them on Amazon.

[Mike]

Sure.

[Andy]

All of your household items or needs of any kind, any electronic, anything like that. Free forever, Man.

[Jason]

That's so weird, though.

[Andy]

It is a weird situation.

[Jason]

And you can't, like, I don't think it'd be worth your time to try to buy and sell stuff. You know what I mean? Like to buy expensive stuff and sell it for 50%. In theory, yeah. Like, in theory, you could buy $5 million worth of stuff, sell it for two and a half million. You got more than the million you got in cash. But the amount of work to buy and sell all of these things, so.

[Mike]

So I guess you found the most noise. It's not what I found.

[Andy]

Jewelry or alcohol.

[Mike]

It was someone at some point was trying to sell him $4 million oil painting from 1815.

[Andy]

Oh, okay.

[Mike]

That's not what I'm laughing at.

[Andy]

That's your quick way to turn something.

[Mike]

Over into I am laughing at. So the we are hashtag, not sponsored. We all use Amazon because the entire United States uses Amazon. We also have a company, Amazon. Right. That we use to get our products here. Amazon tracks things that you've been searching for. Apparently someone has been doing a lot of research on massage chairs.

[Jason]

You don't say.

[Mike]

Because based on recent views, we need to buy a bunch of massage chairs.

[Andy]

I can promise you. I know you guys think that's me.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

But I have not searched Amazon for massage chairs.

[Mike]

Who's doing it.

[Andy]

Occasionally, there is a troll in this office who does search for massage chairs to include them in the what I want from the company. Like we have a Slack channel where if you need like, I don't know, some more coffee, you send.

[Mike]

There's so many massage chairs, guys.

[Andy]

Who's searching for these?

[Jason]

We're all trying to figure out who's searching for these. Let me just ask a follow up question here. Mike. Mike, have you, let's say, in the last week purchased a massage chair?

[Mike]

No, I can't.

[Jason]

Owl, have you purchased a massage chair in the last week? I have not, no. Papa Josh, have you purchased a massage chair in the last week?

[Mike]

Nope.

[Jason]

No, I too have not purchased a massage chair. Andy, have you purchased a massage chair in the past week? Oh, you have?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah, I have.

[Jason]

We're all trying to figure out who's searching for massage chairs.

[Andy]

I feel like I've been framed. Maybe it was me.

[Jason]

Yeah, I think it was you. And you just don't remember.

[Andy]

Maybe I did some research and don't remember.

[Mike]

Yeah, well, yeah, just normal stuff in our searches. So massage chairs, they would be chairs and rugs.

[Andy]

Rugs. Boy, good times. Look, I don't know how this is a good question, because if you had said like 1 million in cash or 2 million on Amazon, it's an easy cash for me, I would agree. But because it's 5 million, it's five times as much. Jason's right. You could take that view. You could buy and flip the stuff. That could be your full time job. Buy it, flip it, turn it into cash and you're fine. If you. And you're just drawing, you're almost just drawing on your $5 million.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

In fact, if you did that, boy, would you avoid taxes? Kind of. Because if you sold a bunch of stuff for cash, I mean, not that I recommend you don't report your offer.

[Mike]

Up sales, but whatever you sell, make sure it's paid for in cash.

[Andy]

You could kind of get around that. Yeah, you're just selling TVs for cash.

[Jason]

The first thought I had was like if you had to sell everything for 50%, you buy 5 million, you sell it, you get two and a half million dollars. It's not worth the. I mean, you're talking about like 100,000 different things. You got to Buy and sell. But then I realized, like, wait, that's an extra one and a half million dollars to sell stuff that's worth the work.

[Andy]

Yeah. You could put that effort in.

[Mike]

You could just take the five and invest it. Or, I mean, like, with five, you could live forever.

[Andy]

What do you mean you don't have five?

[Mike]

Oh, the five is the Amazon.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, sorry.

[Andy]

Welcome to the show. I. Mr. Search History.

[Mike]

I'm distracted by our search history.

[Jason]

This actually brings up a good question. Can you buy, like, ETFs with Amazon?

[Mike]

Can you buy their stock?

[Jason]

Can you buy their stock?

[Andy]

No, you can't.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Andy]

No. I mean, you could buy an unlimited amount of a lot of items, but from an expensive standpoint, you can buy.

[Jason]

A lot of chicken stock.

[Andy]

Oh, chicken stock. You searched for stock and you got chicken stock on Amazon.

[Jason]

I just wanted to see.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's about right.

[Jason]

You could buy on Amazon what kind.

[Mike]

Of dividend you get on chicken stock stock.

[Jason]

I'm almost surprised that you can't buy stocks on Amazon. Like, they sell everything.

[Andy]

Like, you could buy a corporate stock certificate you have to fill out and give to people. Like, one of those.

[Jason]

I think you have to take. You're right, Andy. It's just too. It's five times the amount.

[Andy]

It's too much money. Yeah.

[Jason]

And on things you're going to buy, you're still going to buy things the rest of your life. So. Yeah, I'm gonna take the five milli.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

And you can't. You buy other gift cards on Amazon, so at least you can translate it into other.

[Jason]

We go, baby.

[Andy]

You can translate it into other stuff.

[Mike]

Like Roblox Currency exchange.

[Jason]

I search gift cards is the first thing.

[Mike]

Some Roblox and some V bucks.

[Jason]

Yeah. Unlimited skins for me.

[Andy]

So some stuff that you couldn't get on Amazon, you could buy a gift card for those items.

[Jason]

Yeah, like restaurants. You can, you know, go to the Olive Garden all you want.

[Andy]

Yeah. Only chains can you get the gift cards. All right, I'm going 5 million. Mike, are you in on that?

[Mike]

I am going the. Oh, bunch of Visa gift cards, too, guys.

[Jason]

Oh, there we go.

[Mike]

Yeah, we did it.

[Jason]

We've five million.

[Andy]

Well, the five. Yeah, we found. We found the cheat.

[Jason]

Yeah. Still hard to buy a house with Visa gift cards.

[Andy]

Oh, man, that would be like, sir, with it.

[Mike]

We'll be taking out a loan. We're paying. Paying plastic today.

[Andy]

How much would you drop.

[Mike]

Thousands of gift cards.

[Jason]

Thousands.

[Mike]

New question.

[Andy]

You're selling your house. Let's say you're selling your house. For $500,000.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Would you accept 500,000 in gift cards? The answer is probably no.

[Jason]

No, of course not.

[Andy]

How much more than your asking price would it need to be to accept it in Visa gift cards?

[Jason]

I think if I'm selling a $500,000 house, I'd need a million dollars in gift cards.

[Andy]

So it's the 2x.

[Jason]

Yeah, I think 2x.

[Andy]

And then you go try to buy.

[Jason]

I imagine Mike is lower than that.

[Mike]

No, really, you need the full.

[Andy]

So if someone offered you 600 in Visa gift cards, can you take five? You know, you couldn't take them to the bank.

[Mike]

Well then. But. I know, but the Visa gift cards are notorious of. They always have like their little hidden fees.

[Jason]

These are guaranteed to work fee free.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

No, I don't even know if that double.

[Andy]

But they do have a maximum denomination. They're not million dollars.

[Jason]

No, they're $100 each.

[Andy]

Yeah, they're 100 each.

[Mike]

You can't pay your rent.

[Andy]

You could. Your landlord will take.

[Mike]

I will give you landlord will take 2x. So now I'm back to even. But I have a bunch of gift cards. Yeah.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

Now I'm just doing the math. That means if I'm selling this house for a million dollars and each gift card is $100, that means I have 10,000 gift cards. That doesn't work. That doesn't work. That doesn't work for life. Where do you. Where do you.

[Andy]

You have 1000 safes?

[Jason]

Just sell your house like a normal person.

[Mike]

Why are you even considering this? What a stupid question. Be normal.

[Andy]

All right. Matt from the website, would you rather never get sick or never experienced traffic ever? That's an interesting trait.

[Jason]

I think it's unfair.

[Andy]

Unfair trade.

[Jason]

I think it's unfair. Now, maybe the gravity of sickness goes further than my initial thought, but I'm.

[Andy]

Thinking, like, the older you get, it will.

[Mike]

Is this just. I mean, is this like big sick or just common?

[Jason]

Well, see, that makes a difference.

[Andy]

It's all sick.

[Mike]

If it's big sick, you have to go with that one, right?

[Andy]

Oh, do you mean like big sick, like seasick?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, okay.

[Jason]

Not like motion sickness. Yes, I know what you were saying. You were saying like the big C, like cancer. But it sounded like, are we going all the way to seasick like it was. I could ride on a boat.

[Andy]

That's kind of the maximum sick.

[Mike]

Hold on.

[Andy]

Would it take away seasick?

[Mike]

Does that count? Motion? It's called motion sickness.

[Jason]

Absolutely no motion sickness.

[Andy]

We're riding our.

[Mike]

Do I get Roller coasters.

[Andy]

Yeah, you do.

[Jason]

You get roller coasters back. You go on cruises.

[Mike]

I will sit in so much traffic. If I can get just motion sickness.

[Andy]

Which you will.

[Mike]

To get to those places, that's fine. And I will enjoy every moment of it.

[Jason]

See, my initial thought was, you've got to take the traffic because how often do you get sick?

[Mike]

Like, just takes one big one, Jay.

[Jason]

I know, I know, I know, I know. Like motion sickness. Yes, but.

[Mike]

Exactly.

[Jason]

But, like, if you're getting sick, you lose roller coasters two or three times a year. Is that fair? Four times a year. Like once a quarter. You get sick.

[Andy]

That's a lot.

[Jason]

Is it? I don't.

[Andy]

I think. I think if you said.

[Jason]

Or if you're a papa Josh. Once every 10 years.

[Andy]

I would say twice a year for maybe the average person. A couple colds.

[Jason]

So twice a year versus how often are you in traffic? Twice a week.

[Andy]

Not if I can avoid it.

[Mike]

Yeah. If I don't. If I never leave my house, I.

[Andy]

Guess I'd never have to think about that. That's a weird thought because all of my. Like, as a very planning type of person, literally half of my thought process is, how do I make this thing easier? I think about when the restaurant's going to be more busy or when the roads are going to be more busy. Like, if I could just get in my car at rush hour and drive out to Scottsdale.

[Jason]

Yeah, great. You got an airplane to catch. Matter what time.

[Andy]

That's true.

[Jason]

You just go.

[Andy]

But I just think it would be.

[Jason]

So much more frequently used. However, if this does include seasickness. Seasickness. Then you obviously have to take that.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if that counts as. Like, you haven't come down with it. Like a sickness. Right.

[Mike]

I mean, I did the older I got.

[Andy]

No, not seasick. I'm talking about sea.

[Mike]

Oh, the actual big six.

[Andy]

Okay. That's not like you picked it up. It's not transmissible.

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

I think you have transmissible immunity.

[Jason]

Okay. So just. So. Yeah.

[Andy]

You can't catch nothing from no one. You're the best nurse.

[Jason]

You can't get Covid.

[Andy]

No.

[Jason]

You can't get little C.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's little C. You can't catch anything from anybody.

[Jason]

This is tough. If it doesn't include the big ones.

[Andy]

Yeah. You can still break your leg and you can still get C. Sick.

[Mike]

Yeah, well, breaking leg is not sick exactly. But you wouldn't get an infection.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

Oh, that's true. That's true.

[Mike]

So go ahead, compound this Fracture. I don't care.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'm gonna. I think I'm gonna just choose. Never get sick, I guess.

[Jason]

Yeah, I'm there, too.

[Andy]

Not that you don't handle sickness well, from what I've heard.

[Jason]

Thank you.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Wait, is this sarcasm?

[Mike]

I think so.

[Jason]

Oh, okay. Darn.

[Andy]

Is this something you're not aware of?

[Jason]

Well, I mean, I'm a big baby. That's all I'm talking about.

[Andy]

Yeah. I thought that was playing into, like, a joke, like a family joke. I didn't know you were gonna take it personally.

[Jason]

No, I just. At first I thought you were complimenting me. I just was like, oh, that's sweet of you to say. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[Andy]

What show am I on?

[Jason]

Am I the butt of this joke?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Yes, I am.

[Andy]

Mike, which one?

[Mike]

Never get sick.

[Andy]

All right, John from Patreon, you've been given your choice of seats for your favorite artists concert. Would you rather sit front row or be on the stage? But watching from the stage, Wings, this feels like a real. Like, Al Borland just personally had this question, being a man of the stage.

[Mike]

So you get to. Me, you get to be on stage, but you're on the side. So, like. Like, behind the curtain.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Basically.

[Jason]

Yep.

[Andy]

Or front row. Front row is a little overrated.

[Mike]

Front row is super overrated.

[Andy]

Front row is. You're. You're not. I mean, you're certainly standing for the entirety of the show.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Which I guess is a normal.

[Jason]

There's front row seats.

[Mike]

If they say there's no but.

[Andy]

Yes. Under your butt, there is technically a seat.

[Mike]

But if you're the front row, you could. Without being blocked, you can fight the trend and say, I'm just going to sit.

[Andy]

That's true. But also, you're. A lot of times those seats end up being kind of under the stage.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. The seat is 4 or 5ft tall.

[Andy]

And you're, like, not, like, directly, like, buried under it. Is that what you're picturing?

[Mike]

Like, that's what it sort of sounded like.

[Andy]

Dude.

[Mike]

People would pay for that under the seat.

[Andy]

People would pay to be directly under the stage their favorite band is performing.

[Mike]

Visibility zero.

[Jason]

Zero. You don't think it's like they're standing on a grate, you know?

[Mike]

No, there's no grate. It's completely blocked and it's just completely blocked. And. Oh, they're right above the woofers, are there. So all you hear is.

[Andy]

But to be right underneath your favorite band.

[Mike]

They're up there somewhere.

[Jason]

They're up there there's obviously. There's obviously something really special to being backstage, you know, backstage pass. Like you're actually seeing something no one else can see. You're in the show in a way. And I mean, that's going to sound like crap. Yeah. I mean, the speakers are out there for the audience. There's no speakers on stage.

[Andy]

You ever been front row to a comedy show?

[Mike]

Oh, it's. Don't do it.

[Andy]

That's more dangerous.

[Mike]

Don't do it.

[Andy]

It's nice. Because the view. I mean, you would. I would choose that if I had immunity from being crowd worked.

[Jason]

That's where you got to go to a big enough show. Like, if you're like a little comedy shop, you don't want to be in the front.

[Andy]

No, I've done. But if you're like, I've done that. And you definitely.

[Jason]

Or something, you definitely don't want to.

[Andy]

Be in the front row of a comedy show with your sister.

[Jason]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andy]

I'll tell you that.

[Jason]

This is an easy stage wings, right?

[Andy]

I think so.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

But I guess how big is the stage? And I think the stage wings. I think that'd be fun.

[Jason]

So who is your favorite artist? This says you're going to your favorite artist's concert, so.

[Mike]

I don't even know anymore, man. Yeah, I'm too old.

[Andy]

Yeah. I feel like you get to pick.

[Jason]

Any concert right now. Just who would you want to see right now? They're touring, and they're not touring. They're out there. Who would you choose? If you could choose any concert in the world to go see right now, today, tomorrow night, you want to go see one, who would you see?

[Andy]

Honestly, that question is different than who I'd want to see in a normal concert if I knew this. If I could sit stage. Yeah. Well, because to me, it's about production in the context of this, I want the biggest production. I probably would go to, like, Taylor Swift.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Just to see that up close would be cooler than, like, my favorite artist or somebody. That is a smaller show.

[Jason]

Yeah. I was kind of between Swift and Olivia Rodrigo, so.

[Mike]

Sure.

[Jason]

I'm in. I'm in with the kids.

[Mike]

Well, the kids won't be side stage. They'll be in the nosebleeds.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

You got to answer who you are.

[Mike]

My favorite band right now is the Midnight, so I'd go see them.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

What time of day?

[Jason]

Oh, nice.

[Mike]

They only play at one time, Andy.

[Jason]

Noon.

[Mike]

Yeah, High noon. No one can ever go. It's right in the middle of the day. It's a big hassle.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Nobody likes it.

[Andy]

They serve lunch. Charles from Patreon, would you rather have a fully functional.

[Mike]

Here we go.

[Andy]

Iron man suit.

[Mike]

Here we go.

[Andy]

Or the Force from Star Wars?

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Wow.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

This is a question.

[Jason]

Oh, that's like.

[Andy]

It's not a question.

[Jason]

Wow. You got to think through this.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Do I explain?

[Jason]

Because I thought originally force easily. Oh, okay. I was like originally, I'm like, clearly the Iron man suit.

[Mike]

Because you are not a super Marvel nerd.

[Andy]

Yeah. But I could just like wave my hand.

[Jason]

Can you fight outer space with the Force? No.

[Mike]

You can jump through it.

[Andy]

I mean, I could.

[Mike]

I think that's happened before.

[Jason]

You can't breathe.

[Mike]

No, you can't. But you can survive out there for a little bit.

[Andy]

I could be a guy in. I could be a guy in space with the Force. But seen that freezing.

[Mike]

You have to remember to go through the progression of the Iron man suit. Because at the beginning of the movies, you know, it's this. He has to get into the suit, then the machines helping him assemble it.

[Andy]

So this is.

[Mike]

But by the end you're. He's in full nanotech where he's like, he's wearing the suit at all times and he just had his face this. You have to know these things.

[Andy]

No, I. I do know that. I'm laughing at the fact that it became that that's.

[Mike]

That's part of the question.

[Andy]

Nanotech. And so it's like he just loads it up.

[Jason]

Cord. Yeah. And next thing you know, you're in the suit. I think I'm taking this.

[Andy]

Here's the problem. And people underestimate Iron Man.

[Mike]

Would. Iron man would beat a Jedi in.

[Jason]

A. Oh, he would massacre a Jedi.

[Andy]

Can Iron Man. If you're in the suit and you fall to earth from flying.

[Jason]

Uh huh.

[Andy]

Do you live?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

How you get hurt?

[Andy]

Does the suit take over cinema?

[Mike]

Okay, no, like you're saying that the suit does.

[Andy]

The suit lost power. Yeah.

[Mike]

The suit loses.

[Andy]

Like, what's the concussion protocol in an Iron man suit?

[Mike]

If the suit loses power and you fall, you will get hurt. Cause you had. Oh, Josh. I can't remember his name now. This is ridiculous. Who's the other Iron Man?

[Jason]

War Machine.

[Mike]

Yes, War Machine. So War Machine's flying around. He fell and like he breaks his legs, right? That's part of the movie.

[Jason]

Yeah. He breaks his legs.

[Mike]

Am I remembering that right? And then he has to have the suit to look.

[Andy]

I'm taking the Force, guys. Okay, change.

[Mike]

You don't get a lightsaber.

[Andy]

I Can change mine.

[Mike]

You can.

[Andy]

I don't need a lightsaber.

[Mike]

You can change the honestly of the week.

[Andy]

Here's the greatest weird plot hole of the entire Star wars universe for everyone, always.

[Mike]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Star wars has plot holes?

[Andy]

Now you. I'm breaking news here.

[Mike]

Tread lightly.

[Andy]

Every time they're in fights, it's like, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, lightsaber, force.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Saber, saber, saber, saber, saber, saber, saber, saber. Like, is there a time between force use? Because if you have the force use. So if you play a video game where you can use the force, you spam the force, you don't use a little light sword.

[Jason]

I've thought that just through so many fights.

[Andy]

I think Vader pinches a guy's throat, but then he has to fight with a sword later.

[Mike]

You have to be fully focused, and it takes energy. So I think it's just like exercising that you got. Your force has to be in good cardio shape.

[Andy]

So wait, like, if I used it to, let's say, talk my way into a club.

[Mike]

That's just a little bit.

[Andy]

That's just a little bit.

[Mike]

The bouncer's gonna be weak.

[Andy]

So if he. I was gonna say, then the bouncer follows me in later, I could still fight him.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

No problem. So what's a high intensity force use?

[Mike]

Like, what would.

[Andy]

Would that be like doing the sats or something?

[Mike]

Raising a spaceship?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, so it's a weight thing.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's a weight thing.

[Mike]

Well, that's part of it.

[Andy]

So I toss people around. Certain people, I'd have to, like, take a breather.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Yeah. It would take more force for me.

[Mike]

Mass times acceleration. It's the force.

[Jason]

The more we talk about this. So you.

[Mike]

I'm taking the Iron man suit.

[Andy]

You both want that.

[Mike]

Oh, big.

[Andy]

You're just so much a human. Yeah, I want to be a superhuman.

[Jason]

You are way more a superhuman in the suit than you are.

[Andy]

Let me ask you this, Jason. Are you a mechanic?

[Jason]

I am not a mechanic.

[Andy]

Do you have you historically taken good care of your cars on your own and, like, all mechanical things in your home?

[Jason]

Nope.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

Not at all.

[Andy]

So when this suit starts to need whatever, it's Iron man oil and, like, needs to be like, new firmware.

[Mike]

This is a good.

[Andy]

And you've got to maintain this suit because guess what? You're up there flying. You're like, oh, crap, my left arm and don't feel right. You get home, what do you do?

[Jason]

Jarvis is in the suit. So I'm going to talk to Jarvis and have him fix it.

[Andy]

What happens when Jarvis needs fixing?

[Jason]

I'm taking the suit.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'm sorry. I just tried to make it work. All right, we're moving.

[Mike]

Today's show is brought to you by our friends at Rocket Money. You might think you have a solid handle on your budget. Maybe your spreadsheet says you should have an extra thousand dollars left over each month, but your bank account isn't reflecting that something is off. Well, Rocket Money helps you track every dollar, uncover hidden spending, and take control of your finances. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Get alerts if your bills increase in price, if there's any unusual activity in your accounts, if you're close to going over budget, and even when you're doing a good job, Rocket Money's gonna let you know. Rocket Money has saved users over $2.5 billion, including over $880 million in canceled subscriptions alone. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket money. Go to Rocketmoney.comballers today. That's Rocketmoney.comballers Rocketmoney.comballers what's up, spitwads?

[Andy]

Look, you've tried cotton, you've tried cashmere, but have you tried alpaca? Papa Josh, have you tried alpaca before? I don't think you have. It's softer than cashmere, warmer than wool, and still breathable. That's the Packa hoodie, and it's about to be your new Go to layer. Pakka makes performance apparel from Alpaca Fiber, one of the world's most sustainable natural fibers. Their best selling hoodie is softer than cashmere, warmer than wool, and breathable. It's lightweight, but still cozy. Doesn't stretch out, doesn't pill, and will keep you warm when it's cool and cool when it's hot. Basically, it adapts to wherever life takes you. I absolutely love my Packa hoodie. It is so comfortable and cozy, I can wear it out all the time. A few compliments on the on the way from this sweet pack of hoodie to grab your pack of hoodie and free pair of alpaca crew socks, go to go.pakaapparel.com spitballers and use our code spitballers. That's go.pakaapparel.Com spitballers and enter the code spitballers. What's the difference between me and you, I do want to know before I ask this first, what's the difference question, what would the vote have been from our producers on that last question? The Force or the suit? Al, I take the suit. I'm going Force. All right.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

Yeah. That's a good question.

[Andy]

It is a good question. Yeah, I can see the merits. I mean, the flying is really the. That's a really good point.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Flying sounds great.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, it's really just like, put those two in a fight. It's not close. It's not remote.

[Mike]

I don't think it's close.

[Andy]

Wait, you're saying a Jedi versus Iron Man?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Iron man could mow down 100 Jedis.

[Andy]

Yeah, I think the opposite. Just crush the metal and you're done. Use the Force to crush the metal, Crush the body inside the metal. Game over.

[Jason]

I don't think you're gonna be able to crush it.

[Mike]

You can see it. We can fire missiles from very far away.

[Andy]

I will stop them, maybe. All right, this is a good debate, but the Force would win. All right. What is the difference between a salve, an ointment, and a balm? I feel like this is going to take us some time.

[Jason]

Well, balms are primarily. And correct me if I'm wrong, maybe I don't know enough entirely, exclusively for lips.

[Andy]

Oh.

[Mike]

Cause you have a lip balm.

[Jason]

Yes, lip balm.

[Mike]

My cherry lip balm.

[Andy]

I could see there.

[Jason]

I don't know of a neck balm or a.

[Mike]

There is.

[Andy]

Yeah, there's different. There's a tiger balm. That's a brand that you put on, like, injuries on the sore muscles.

[Jason]

Really?

[Mike]

Yeah. You can balm them up.

[Andy]

Here's why I was laughing, because I feel like. And correct me if I'm wrong, because I probably am, but I feel like a salve needs to be a little bit minty.

[Mike]

Oh, pepperminty.

[Andy]

I think like, a salve has to. It's almost like putting out a fire on something.

[Mike]

Okay. So it has to be.

[Andy]

I mean, like a burn. Like, if you got a burn, do you use a salve? Ointment?

[Mike]

You do put an ointment on them.

[Andy]

Oh, you do put ointments on them. Yeah, but it's not minty.

[Mike]

Don't put minty on.

[Jason]

What is the texture of a salve?

[Andy]

I think it can be almost fully liquid.

[Mike]

I thought an ointment was liquid.

[Andy]

No, an ointment is like.

[Jason]

So I think this is a progressive scale, like a gray scale of consistency and viscosity where a salve is the most liquid.

[Andy]

And then an ointment.

[Jason]

An ointment is like, you know, still liquidy, but it's a little thicker.

[Andy]

It is thicker for sure.

[Jason]

Liquid.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And then a balm is like.

[Andy]

Neosporin is an ointment.

[Jason]

Exactly. And then a balm is like, you know, you're gonna need to scoop this out.

[Andy]

Is a balm the same thing as deodorant? Would you call a deodorant an underarm balm?

[Jason]

No, I don't think so. No.

[Andy]

That's too strong. It's too hard.

[Mike]

That's too thick. Cause, like, if you.

[Andy]

So that's a stick.

[Jason]

You can't, like, just scoop it out.

[Mike]

Exactly.

[Andy]

So it's more like the consistency of like a hair mousse stuff.

[Jason]

Exactly.

[Andy]

Like a.

[Mike]

Well, thicker than mousse, but like a wax.

[Andy]

A waxy.

[Mike]

Yeah, more like that. A waxy hair product.

[Jason]

What's the word you're looking for?

[Mike]

That's it.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah, sure.

[Jason]

I think you're. What is the hair? Poma.

[Mike]

Pomade.

[Jason]

Pomade.

[Mike]

Pomade, yeah.

[Jason]

Pomade is more of a balm.

[Andy]

Some pomades can be ointmenty, like, consistency loss. But a salve. A salve. Somebody could run up to you and say, oh, my gosh, he needs this salve. And it could come out of a bottle. They could pour it right out of a bottle.

[Mike]

So you can have a drop form of salve.

[Andy]

You could have a drop.

[Jason]

You could drink a salve.

[Andy]

You could drink a salve.

[Mike]

I don't recommend it.

[Andy]

No, no. That's too much.

[Jason]

No, but you just could. You could drink bleach still.

[Mike]

Don't do that.

[Jason]

Don't do it.

[Mike]

Don't do that.

[Andy]

Okay, we've solved that.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

What is the difference between an amateur, a beginner, and a novice? Well, I.

[Mike]

Look, this one's easy.

[Andy]

Is it?

[Jason]

Yeah. Thank goodness.

[Andy]

I feel like a novice, no matter what, sucks at what they're doing.

[Mike]

They do. But a beginner means you have just started something.

[Jason]

Right. You just. You've only just begun. Yeah.

[Mike]

You are the beginner. Exactly.

[Andy]

Incredible analysis.

[Mike]

And amateur means that you are in some sort of competition.

[Jason]

You're just not paid.

[Mike]

Correct.

[Andy]

Amateurs can be champions, but they have to be. They can be good.

[Mike]

They are not professional, but they haven't.

[Andy]

Done it a while.

[Jason]

Means they're paid. Well.

[Mike]

Yeah, no, I think you can get paid.

[Andy]

Generally. Amateur means you're not paid.

[Mike]

I think you can get paid, but it's. It's a very small amount. And you also. You have another job like as a.

[Andy]

Bus boy or something.

[Mike]

Yeah. So you're like.

[Andy]

I am.

[Mike]

I'm a part time bus driver and I'm a part. But I'm amateur. Amateur bowler, Bowler, fighter, whatever it is. But it's a competition.

[Jason]

It's not your career.

[Mike]

Correct.

[Jason]

You want it to be your career, but you're just an amateur.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

So can you. If you're a college athlete, what are you?

[Jason]

You're an amateur.

[Andy]

You're not a beginner, right?

[Mike]

No.

[Andy]

You're not a novice.

[Jason]

You're an amateur.

[Andy]

You're an amateur.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's amateur athlete.

[Andy]

Athlete.

[Jason]

Yeah. You're definitely. Unless you're in the nil and you're, you know, you're getting name image like this money.

[Mike]

Yeah. I don't know if student athlete is an amateur.

[Andy]

So let's break down the difference between beginner and novice because those seem like they're very close. Like a novice.

[Jason]

I agree with what you said in the beginning.

[Mike]

You suck.

[Jason]

A novice sucks.

[Andy]

A novice is like, can a beginner have potential?

[Jason]

A beginner has luck. So you've got beginner's luck. Right.

[Mike]

You can have skill one time.

[Jason]

There's no novice luck. Novice means he's a novice.

[Andy]

Yeah, he's not.

[Jason]

Good. They're both starting. But a beginner doesn't suck.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

If they, if a beginner suck, they are a novice.

[Mike]

I'm confused now.

[Andy]

I feel like part of it has to do with like a beginner can just be. Can just be doing something quietly, secretly.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And be a beginner. Like I'm a beginner at juggling, but if I go out there and I try to show you my skill, you suck at it. I'm a novice. Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Like if I say, hey, Jason, look, I can juggle now and then, I'm just throwing the balls all over the place.

[Mike]

Have you been, have you been juggling? Juggling in your spare time?

[Jason]

You talk about like you do something on your own kind of behind the scenes. Have you started trying to juggle?

[Andy]

I'm really working on.

[Jason]

No, I'm not working. I thought there was a 5% chance that this is real.

[Andy]

You always try to read my stories.

[Mike]

So the moment you perform your skill, you move from a beginner to a novice.

[Andy]

Once you. Well, no, no, no. If you perform it and suck at it.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Otherwise you're just an amateur. If I performed it, like if I go, look what I've been doing right. And I do pretty good.

[Mike]

Can you be in.

[Andy]

Well, you're an amateur juggler.

[Mike]

Is there competitive Juggling?

[Jason]

You bet your bottom.

[Andy]

I mean, I don't know. I don't know what there is in that world now.

[Jason]

I think also.

[Mike]

February 9th. Guys, I'm pretty busy. Don't look into it.

[Jason]

6:00Pm to be an amateur. To be an amateur, you have to be competing.

[Andy]

Yes, I think so.

[Mike]

Yes. 100%.

[Jason]

You can be a beginner at anything. You don't have to compete.

[Mike]

You can be a beginning. Beginning guitar player.

[Andy]

Yeah, beginning.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

We solved it. What is the difference, though, between a game, a match, and a contest? Well, clearly, matches take place only in Europe. Right.

[Jason]

They're more across the pond.

[Andy]

And a game, and a contest. There has to be one winner.

[Jason]

A contest definitely has something on the line.

[Mike]

There is a reward, but it's a team. It's usually ribbon involved.

[Andy]

A team can't win a contest. Right. It has to be one person that wins a contest.

[Mike]

Or an animal.

[Andy]

Okay, you know what? Sounds ridiculous.

[Jason]

He was so confident. He's like. No, no, no, no, no. I am well aware of the rules, but.

[Mike]

But who?

[Andy]

Babe. Babe won the pig contest.

[Jason]

That's true. You got blue ribbon.

[Andy]

What's the book? What's the book?

[Jason]

Charlotte's Web.

[Andy]

Yeah. What's the pick? What's the pick?

[Jason]

Wait, I was going to say Charlotte. Babe.

[Mike]

No, that's the movie. Babe.

[Andy]

Yeah. This is a different pig.

[Mike]

Charlotte's Webb is a different pig. Wilbur. Hey, that's one famous pig.

[Andy]

Anyways.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Animals can win contests for being large.

[Jason]

Yeah, but a team can't win a contest. Is that what you're telling me?

[Andy]

I'm asking.

[Mike]

I don't think so.

[Jason]

Yeah, I've never heard of them winning a contest.

[Andy]

Come on down and win the contest. It's one person.

[Mike]

Hold on.

[Andy]

Because they don't print a bunch of ribbons.

[Mike]

What would you call a competitive, like marching band?

[Andy]

Not a contest, not a game, not a match.

[Jason]

No losers. That's what I call them. Professional march band. Come on, you losers.

[Andy]

No, we get it. You didn't make the team.

[Mike]

Oh, Jeremy's saying competition.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's a competition.

[Mike]

Okay, so you can win a competition.

[Jason]

That's a group thing.

[Andy]

Now, in. Technically, the people out there that play tennis. You're losing your mind right now. Because in tennis it is. You have games and matches in the same place. You don't have a contest.

[Jason]

We play pickleball. We have the same thing. Except better sport.

[Mike]

Yes, much better.

[Andy]

I mean, we don't. Yeah, I guess we have games in Massachusetts. So. Hold on.

[Mike]

So then, now that Jeremy's brought Up Competition. So a contest, I think is like. It's real.

[Andy]

It's not judged on a.

[Mike]

It's like, shallow. It's just like who has the biggest.

[Andy]

Yeah. Miss Universe is a. Is that a competition?

[Mike]

That's a pageant.

[Andy]

Oh, well.

[Mike]

Oh, we don't want to start.

[Jason]

We can't out of here.

[Andy]

Like, the most delicious pie. That's a contest, right? You can bake the best apple pie.

[Mike]

Yes. It's important, but it's kind of trivial.

[Andy]

The chill. Like a chili one.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's a contest.

[Andy]

The biggest, best looking pig.

[Mike]

That's a contest.

[Jason]

What's the spelling bee?

[Andy]

That's a contest, right.

[Mike]

I think it's a competition. Is it competition?

[Andy]

Oh, it is a competition. Okay.

[Jason]

Because it's a little bit more important.

[Andy]

Something you learned in school that you now compete.

[Jason]

Okay. And what's the difference between a game and a match?

[Andy]

Game is smaller than a match. A match is the whole thing, and a game is a little thing.

[Jason]

Now, I know that that is true. I know that that is 100%. Like when you're in. When you're in tennis or you're in whatever, it's like the game is the individual. You know, is the individual part.

[Andy]

I mean, there's a phrase. Game, set, match.

[Jason]

Yeah, game, set, match. So the match is the bigger thing. I have always had a problem with that. I feel like they got it wrong. Morally, ethically. I feel like they got it wrong. Like, the match should be the small one, the whole game. Like, I won the.

[Andy]

You want words to mean a different thing.

[Jason]

I want them to mean exact opposite.

[Mike]

Like a match should be a conglomeration.

[Jason]

I know that is right.

[Andy]

Don't try to explain to him what the word actually means. He wants the word to mean something different.

[Jason]

Yeah, I'm looking for it to mean the opposite.

[Mike]

But when you're in soccer, isn't it, you won the. You won the match. Or am I just remembering the Zoolander joke?

[Andy]

If the field's big enough, one game can be a match. Okay, so that's where soccer. Yeah. Because they play on a pitch, too. They don't know what they're doing.

[Mike]

Why is it like.

[Andy]

Is it angled?

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Jason]

What's going on?

[Andy]

Is there like a bunch of tar on it?

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Jason]

I don't know. Are they. Are they like their sound? Their notes are really good, right?

[Andy]

We don't know. We weren't asked that.

[Mike]

Thank goodness.

[Andy]

Do we have time for one more? Are we moving on to the draft?

[Jason]

Let's Draft.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

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[Andy]

You didn't feel like you were learning enough there, Al?

[Mike]

Yeah, I learned so much. Al was like, I have. I can't take any more. We are all getting dumber.

[Andy]

What's the difference between a good podcast, a mediocre podcast, and a bad podcast?

[Mike]

I could show you a bad one.

[Andy]

All right. We are drafting things that are purple, things that are purple. And Jason, boy, what a lucky guy with that number one pick.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, there's just clearly the one thing we all want is purple.

[Mike]

Yeah, don't take my pick.

[Jason]

I will say this. This is one of the most difficult drafts to come up with a list for because there's not a lot of great purple.

[Andy]

Does that speak to society kind of neglecting this color?

[Jason]

No, no, no, no, no. That spe not having anything that is exclusively purple.

[Andy]

Oh, as in like, God let us down on that color.

[Jason]

I think the color let God down. He's like, that's not worth. Like, I'm gonna an orange.

[Mike]

I have plenty of purple things over here, man.

[Jason]

Yeah, I've got a list of purple things, but they're not that great. Like, when I was thinking about it, it's like, oh, there's purple carrots. But that's. Carrots belong not to purple. You know what I mean?

[Andy]

Right, Right. You have to qualify them.

[Jason]

Yeah. If it's gotta have the word purple in front of it.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

That's not a good pick.

[Jason]

That's a loser pick.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I hope your whole list is like that. Mike, I'm going to lead us off here with grapes.

[Mike]

Yeah, see, it's great. But that's a great pick. But.

[Jason]

But even that, I got to be.

[Mike]

Like, no purple grapes.

[Andy]

No, there's other.

[Jason]

There's other grapes.

[Andy]

Grapes. I think when you think of, like, if you asked, if you surveyed 100 people.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And you said, what color are grapes? I think more come in on the purple side.

[Jason]

100%. Yeah. Because if you were going to draw.

[Andy]

Them, what percentage do you think it would actually be? Like 70, 30.

[Jason]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mike]

But what is the percent of which grape is better?

[Jason]

Oh, 100% the. Not purple.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

We all like green grapes.

[Mike]

Team green grape, for sure.

[Jason]

I like. The purples are fine. Yeah, they're all good. Grapes are delicious.

[Andy]

My wife has gotten into freezing grapes.

[Mike]

Yeah, I have heard of that.

[Jason]

Too cold. Too cold.

[Mike]

Is that what you have against. My biggest problem with the frozen grapes is they're too cold thing against.

[Andy]

He's got a thing against frozen things.

[Jason]

Yeah, I don't like.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

I don't like him.

[Andy]

So am I picking now?

[Mike]

You are Thanos, Dad.

[Jason]

Yeah. No, I thought for sure I would be the only one with him on my list.

[Mike]

Of course you aren't.

[Andy]

Jason, come on.

[Mike]

We just argued. The Iron Man. Super.

[Jason]

That's why I almost took Thanos first. Well, you got grapes. Oh, this sucks. Oh, Thanos, you big purple monster. Oh, man.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'm staking Thanos.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Don't worry. It's a great pick. It's way better than grapes.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Mike, you are up.

[Jason]

At least I can make wine.

[Mike]

Do you know how to do that?

[Jason]

No, but I know it comes from grapes.

[Mike]

Okay, so I am. I will start my draft with a. I guess it's a gem. I don't know.

[Jason]

Whatever.

[Mike]

You break. You break a rock open and you get Amethyst.

[Andy]

Yeah. That's a gem.

[Mike]

Yes. Wasn't 100% sure.

[Jason]

What would you have called it?

[Andy]

You break a rock open. What do you think an emerald is, Mike, a rock?

[Mike]

I don't know. I just. I'm looking at it.

[Andy]

They're all forms of purple.

[Mike]

Variety of the quartz mineral species, so. Mineral.

[Andy]

Okay. Well, if you go to the store and you buy a ring, you get an amethyst ring, and that's a great pick.

[Mike]

Amethysts are awesome.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

It is a fantastic looking rock.

[Andy]

It's purple. Purple gemstone.

[Jason]

I dropped grapes, man.

[Mike]

Dude, it's on my list. I like grapes.

[Andy]

It's on my list, but I have it on there.

[Jason]

I had the first pick, and I went with grapes.

[Andy]

You let yourself down.

[Jason]

I really did. Yeah.

[Andy]

That's what you get for putting food first.

[Mike]

All right. And then I will go with more of a. More of an abstract with my second pick.

[Andy]

Oh, boy.

[Mike]

It's probably not on anyone's list, but I will. I was going to take it. Royalty. Purple is the color of royal.

[Jason]

Given how short my list is, I'm totally going to allow it. That's a terrible pick, though.

[Mike]

That's.

[Andy]

It's interesting. Like, purple is the color of royalty.

[Mike]

Yes. 100% it is.

[Andy]

But if you're drafting things that are purple, do you have to pick one? Like, do you have to pick a purple robe?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Or a purple?

[Mike]

No. Because when we did green, I drafted envy.

[Andy]

Yeah, but we don't like your picks.

[Jason]

How is blue not the color? Because, I mean, of royalty. Royal blue. Ever heard of it?

[Andy]

Yeah, it looks purpley.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's blue with purple in it, Jake. That's how it got its name.

[Andy]

Are we good with this? We're good with this. I'm fine with it. It's good by me. I don't care.

[Jason]

All right. I got eight total things on my list, so I'm happy that you're drafted. Weirdo things.

[Andy]

All right, so I have a. I have another pick.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Well, I don't want to be Jason in this draft.

[Jason]

That's major regrets.

[Andy]

So I'm going to take grimace from McDonald's. Okay. I'm taking Grimace.

[Mike]

Yeah, he's on my list.

[Jason]

He's on my list for sure. Because there's just not a ton of awesome purple things.

[Andy]

Yeah. Thanos and Grimace. That's a good tag team.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

I am going to.

[Mike]

I'm so baffled. You can't get purple things.

[Jason]

Look, there's not a lot of great purple things, but one great purple thing that is on my list. I do, too. One great purple thing is Donatello's headband.

[Andy]

Yeah, Donatello.

[Mike]

You can just say Donatello.

[Andy]

Just take Donatello.

[Jason]

He's green, but. Okay, I'll take Donatelle.

[Mike]

Donatello is purple.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

All right.

[Andy]

I see Michelangelo's orange. Raphael's red.

[Mike]

Yes, he's purple.

[Jason]

I'm a little upset you didn't complete you.

[Andy]

Okay. Leonardo's blue.

[Jason]

There you go. All right, so I will take Donatello because he has purple around his eyes.

[Andy]

All right, you get another pick.

[Jason]

Yay.

[Mike]

Lucky.

[Jason]

I'm going to take. I think I'll make Mike proud here because it's.

[Mike]

It's more good. Go for it.

[Jason]

It's more off the beaten path. I'm going to take. I'm going to make Prince proud. I'm going to take Purple Rain.

[Mike]

Yeah, dude. I had rain on here, and I'm like, if I take this, I'm going to get so much crap.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah, my dude. Purple Rain, baby.

[Jason]

All right, There we go. Color of music. The Color Purple. Yeah, there you go.

[Andy]

Well, the pick I wanted to get back to me, that is more than a headband, but from the same universe that I was going to go with is Shredder.

[Mike]

Okay, I'm taking Shredder. Shredder is also perfect.

[Jason]

You're just going complete characters so far.

[Andy]

I'm going complete characters, Thanos. But I do for the last one.

[Mike]

There's tons of them. There's tons of.

[Andy]

Honestly, without characters, there's just not enough purple things in the world.

[Jason]

I was. That's the point that I was bringing up the world. The natural.

[Andy]

I mean, God forbid you take flower. Like, purple flowers, Jason. To combine with grapes.

[Jason]

Yeah, Purple.

[Mike]

Nerd draft.

[Jason]

Purple sucks.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

Actually, kind of like purple.

[Mike]

Purple is one.

[Andy]

I don't like light purple. I like dark purple.

[Mike]

Purple. Purple might be my favorite color.

[Jason]

Purple is now my least favorite color.

[Mike]

It's. It's such a.

[Jason]

As of today. Hate it.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

As a man who would love to be royalty, that surprises me.

[Mike]

Yeah, well, he would wear royal blue, right?

[Jason]

I would.

[Mike]

And no one would understand what he was.

[Andy]

What is this guy? Who's this blue guy? All right, Mike, you are up.

[Mike]

Okay, so I get to close this out.

[Andy]

You have Amethyst and just the concept of royalty.

[Mike]

Royalty.

[Andy]

Yeah. I like it.

[Mike]

It's fantastic. So I.

[Jason]

Crazy.

[Mike]

I have too many. I have too many.

[Andy]

Well, pick.

[Jason]

Pick your best ones or take five. I don't.

[Mike]

Draft my team for me, please. I will take. Let's go.

[Andy]

Your team's not bad, Jason. You salvaged your grapes. Pick with Donatello and Purple Rain. That's not bad.

[Mike]

Thank you. It's fantastic. It is. Okay, so this item, it's a couple of different things. It's a disgusting. Fill in for Noodles. Sometimes. It is often shared as an emoji to be certain things. I will take the eggplant. I will take the eggplant. It's very popular.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

It's very hip and very trendy right now.

[Andy]

It's a widely used. Yeah. Plant.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, that's the word. They try to make parmesan out of it, and it's disgusting.

[Andy]

I did make you two eat eggplant once.

[Mike]

Yeah, it was awful.

[Jason]

It made me want to vomit.

[Andy]

So. Good pick, Mike.

[Mike]

Well, yeah, I drafted it for the other part.

[Andy]

Did royalty eat eggplant?

[Mike]

Oh, I doubt it. There's no way.

[Andy]

Because of how gross it was.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, it's disgusting.

[Mike]

When you own the city or the country, you're not eating garbage food, but.

[Andy]

You are getting fed grapes.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, definitely. Definitely. And for my last pick.

[Andy]

You have so many.

[Mike]

I choose. It really is the problem. It's which character would I like to take? I'm going to take the Joker.

[Andy]

All right. That's very purple.

[Mike]

I will get a character on my team. One of the best villains in all of. Of the superhero land. Even though probably one of the easiest to actually defeat. If Batman would just get his stuff together.

[Andy]

You mean fighting a little flower that shoots water is not like. I mean, more like a buzzer.

[Mike]

Has no superpowers. And just continually. Every time you arrest him and he gets out, he murders dozens of people. Batman, handle the problem.

[Jason]

You're saying kill the Joker?

[Mike]

I'm saying put him somewhere where he can't kill people anymore.

[Andy]

All right, so you went with the Joker. It's a good pick. You got another character. I will go away from the characters. Although I have. I mean, I have several.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

But I feel like I'm going to try to get away with something first, because when I was picturing things that would. That look good. Purple.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I want to go with the purplest planet. I want Neptune. Can I have Neptune?

[Mike]

Neptune, purple? Sure.

[Jason]

I don't know.

[Mike]

I think of Neptune as blue.

[Andy]

It's pretty blue.

[Jason]

What's Uranus also blue? Is it okay? I thought that was purple.

[Mike]

No, I'm. I mean, a quick. Google is it looks a little.

[Andy]

Maybe you've got a problem.

[Mike]

I'm being very scientific on this.

[Andy]

Is Neptune not purple enough?

[Jason]

It's pretty blue. What color is Neptune? Google.

[Andy]

All right. Blue. All right.

[Mike]

It's blue. Yeah.

[Andy]

In that case, Waluigi.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

You're going back to the characters.

[Andy]

I'm taking Waluigi.

[Mike]

I was between Joker and Wario.

[Andy]

Yeah. Wario.

[Mike]

Wario.

[Andy]

I Could have taken Wario, but he's so yellow. Like, he would go in a yellow draft, too. Whereas Waluigi is pure purple. Pure purple. Okay, I did look, I did some research. So, Jason, back to you. Barney.

[Mike]

I was playing a lot of switch last night.

[Andy]

Barney still available?

[Jason]

Barney is still there. Also there. If I wanted another character. Violet Beauregard.

[Mike]

Oh, Violet, you're turning violet.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

But I'm not going to go that way. Not when I added a final one to my list.

[Mike]

Did we inspire mid show?

[Jason]

You inspired me. We're all this talk about purple.

[Mike]

Is it Wario?

[Jason]

No, no, no. It's. It's purple stuff.

[Mike]

Oh, my goodness. The drink from the classic OJ Purple.

[Jason]

Stuff from the Sunny Delight. Purple stuff is like, heck, yeah, man. You know, that's just grape flavored water.

[Mike]

And purple stuff is delicious.

[Jason]

Yes, it is good. Yeah. I mean, when I say purple stuff, I feel like most all of our listeners know exactly what I mean.

[Andy]

I would, but yet I feel like one half of our producers probably doesn't. Do you both know what he's talking about?

[Mike]

I have no idea. There it is.

[Jason]

Yeah, the old man knows. Yeah, yeah, I know.

[Mike]

And it's good.

[Andy]

What do you mean?

[Jason]

It's great. They do sell purple stuff now.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's artificial gray.

[Andy]

Wait, but they actually call it purple stuff.

[Jason]

It's called purple stuff.

[Mike]

The drink.

[Jason]

I bet it's good.

[Andy]

Is it made by Sunny D?

[Jason]

That is.

[Mike]

Oh, no way. You can't be smirch it in your commercial and then sell it. The hypocrisy.

[Andy]

I don't know.

[Jason]

Grape juice. That's grape juice, right? It's grape flavored water.

[Andy]

It is besmirching. You took grapes again.

[Mike]

You need to watch the commercial again because the kid's like, OJ Purple stuff.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's correct. Ooh, Sunny D. That's the whole point.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

They should have gone with the purple.

[Andy]

Stuff Ursula left on the board.

[Mike]

Sure.

[Andy]

I had bruises.

[Mike]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Jason]

I did have.

[Andy]

That's a good one. What about a raven? Are they purple enough?

[Jason]

No, they're black.

[Mike]

The football team.

[Andy]

Well, there's a reason they made them that.

[Jason]

Oh. I didn't think about teams. They could have, like, drafted the Vikings.

[Mike]

The Vikings?

[Andy]

Yeah, the Twitch logo. That was on my list. Nice, because not a lot of purple, man.

[Mike]

I had plums.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

Plums are soups. Underrated.

[Mike]

I don't know the last time I've had a plum.

[Jason]

It's been 20 years.

[Mike]

And they're Good.

[Jason]

They're super good. Why don't we eat plums when they're so delicious?

[Mike]

I don't know. Are they never insane?

[Andy]

Is there a plum shortage?

[Jason]

I think there must be. There's definitely a plum shortage in my life.

[Andy]

Plum. All out of that.

[Mike]

The one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater.

[Andy]

Okay. Yeah. Or the purple people eaters.

[Mike]

Yeah, them too.

[Andy]

Yeah. Are we producers? Can you think of some better purple things? I had Purple heart on my list, okay.

[Jason]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Andy]

Who is Purple heart?

[Jason]

What?

[Mike]

No, the award.

[Jason]

The award for medal.

[Mike]

Oh, my. Were you thinking superheroes?

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

He said in our slack channel. Purple heart goes undrafted. You guys hate heroes. And I'm going, which Marvel character is Purple Heart?

[Jason]

That I've never heard of real heroes.

[Andy]

Boy, a Purple heart is a great.

[Jason]

That's a great.

[Andy]

I do feel like.

[Jason]

Whoops. Yeah, I took purple stuff. Sorry. To all you amazing people who earned.

[Mike]

A Purple Heart to bring it all back. I had Mace Windu's lightsaber.

[Andy]

Okay. Because it's the purple one.

[Mike]

Yeah. He broke the cannon.

[Jason]

In this show.

[Andy]

All right, all right.

[Jason]

What did we learn today?

[Mike]

Oh, gosh. Did I learn anything today?

[Andy]

You know, what did I learn today?

[Mike]

I learned that salve is the liquid and ointment is not.

[Andy]

I learned that you guys just overestimate the value of the Iron man suit when you think it could be beaten.

[Mike]

By the Force easily.

[Jason]

It can't be beaten by the Force.

[Mike]

Iron man easily. Iron man easily wins that.

[Jason]

There is no way that a Jedi is strong enough to crumple that suit.

[Mike]

Now, see, here's. Here's the question. If you are talking the Dark side of the Force, perhaps. Perhaps.

[Andy]

I guess I was thinking the dark side. Okay, now wait a minute.

[Mike]

That's a fair.

[Andy]

Which. There are two sides to the Force. I get both.

[Jason]

I don't think.

[Mike]

No, you won't. No, no, no. You don't get both. You.

[Andy]

I declare at the beginning.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

Dark.

[Jason]

Yeah. Okay to dive a little deeper here.

[Andy]

Oh, boy.

[Jason]

Let's do it. I do not believe that the Force could crumple the Iron man suit. I mean, that's just. It's too strong.

[Andy]

Yeah. I mean, it lifts spacious, but no, it can't crumple a little bit of metal.

[Jason]

But couldn't you just choke the person inside the cliff?

[Andy]

Of course you could.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

The Force dominates a suit.

[Mike]

Let's see.

[Andy]

I'm thinking who wins, Robocop or the Force?

[Mike]

Oh, that's the Force.

[Andy]

Iron Man's like Iron man is like Robocop suit 2.0.

[Mike]

His chin is fully exposed.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

What an upgrade. Those cover the chin.

[Jason]

It's the same thing. I've never seen RoboCop fly. Have you seen RoboCop fly to the heavens?

[Mike]

I've seen him walk extremely slow.

[Andy]

He does walk so slow.

[Jason]

What does he have a handgun? Like, he literally doesn't have a weapon built into the suit. He has to pull out a regular handgun. And this guy's like, the Iron Man.

[Andy]

Still connected. Like, you still have that heart thing.

[Jason]

Yeah. That powers the suit.

[Andy]

Yeah, but it comes from your heart condition, so you're like.

[Mike]

No.

[Andy]

Like, weaker.

[Jason]

No. Come on, man.

[Andy]

No.

[Jason]

He got rid of a heart. He got rid of it.

[Mike]

Yeah. With.

[Andy]

But that thing, if it powers down, he dies, right?

[Mike]

No.

[Andy]

What happened to that? The first Iron man movie definitely died.

[Mike]

At the first one because he had the metal shards in his hand.

[Jason]

He got the shrapnel, and then he.

[Mike]

Got it out, and then he wore it more as a crutch.

[Jason]

Yeah. It's true.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

Well said. I learned that I hate the color purple. I just.

[Andy]

Yeah, you're not a big fan.

[Jason]

My least favorite color purple.

[Andy]

Get that amethyst away from me.

[Jason]

Don't want it.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

Ridiculous.

[Andy]

Goodbye.

[Mike]

Goodbye.

[Jason]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

[Andy]

Hey, Fidelity.

[Jason]

How can I remember to invest every month?

[Sponsor/Announcer]

With the Fidelity app, you can choose a schedule and set up recurring investments in stocks and ETFs.

[Jason]

Huh.

[Andy]

That sounds easier than I thought.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

You got this?

[Andy]

Yeah, I do. Now, where did I put my keys?

[Sponsor/Announcer]

You will find them where you left them.

[Andy]

Investing involves risk, including risk of loss. Fidelity Brokerage Services, llc. Member nyse, sipc.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

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