Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Search History Surprise & Things That Are Purple - Spit Hits!
Date: April 3, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

Episode Overview

In this high-energy and ridiculous episode, the Spitballers trio (Andy, Mike, and Jason) embark on a laughter-filled journey through hilarious hypotheticals, internet search shenanigans, and a draft of the “best” things that are purple. Along the way, they debate life-altering "Would You Rather" questions, dig into the nuanced differences among similar words, and riff on the absurdities of modern life. It’s classic Spitballers: rapid-fire improv, dad-joke energy, and family-friendly nonsense.

Key Segments & Discussions

1. Scat Routine & Banter (01:11–03:08)

• Opens with Jason’s enthusiastic, P-heavy scat (“blippity ploppity bloopity ploppity bow”).
• Immediate ribbing ensues; Andy and Mike jokingly critique the performance.
• Establishes the easygoing, playful tone for the episode.

"This moment in time right now, this is the greatest. This is the farthest you can get from a scat."
— Andy (02:07)

2. Would You Rather: $1 Million Cash or $5 Million Amazon Gift Card? (03:08–11:59)

• Premise: Would you rather get $1 million in cash or $5 million in Amazon gift cards?
• Initial Thoughts: The trio quickly digs into the limitations of gift cards vs. cash, such as not being able to buy houses or cars directly on Amazon.

"You can't buy vehicles and real estate on Amazon."
— Andy (03:28)

• Tactics and Loopholes: They debate buying expensive items on Amazon, flipping them for cash, and how impractical (but possibly profitable) that could be.
• They discover Amazon’s search history is full of massage chairs, leading to a hilarious "whodunit" among the staff, with Andy sheepishly accepting potential guilt.
• Discussion devolves into the ridiculous logistics of paying for a house with 10,000 $100 gift cards and the challenge of storing them.
• Final Decisions: All agree $5 million in Amazon gift cards is too much value to pass up, especially with the potential to buy gift cards for other stores and even Visa gift cards on Amazon as a workaround.

"I'm just doing the math. That means if I'm selling this house for a million dollars and each gift card is $100, that means I have 10,000 gift cards. That doesn't work. That doesn't work for life."
— Jason (11:24)

Memorable Moment:
Extended laughter as they imagine handing over thousands of gift cards to pay a landlord or buy a house.

3. Would You Rather: Never Get Sick or Never Experience Traffic? (11:59–15:59)

• Premise: Would you rather never get sick or never have to deal with traffic?
• They clarify whether “sickness” includes serious illnesses, motion sickness, or just colds/flus.
• Mike is emphatic: “I will sit in so much traffic. If I can get just motion sickness [gone], to get to those places, that's fine. And I will enjoy every moment of it.” (13:04)
• Jason is closer to picking traffic, but, considering the rarity and inconvenience of illness, all ultimately choose never being sick.

"You can't catch anything from anybody."
— Andy (14:48)

4. Would You Rather: Concert Front Row vs. Side-Stage “Wings” (16:01–19:39)

• Premise: Front row seat at your favorite artist’s concert, or side-stage “wings” view?
• The gang commiserates about how front row is often overrated—a bad view, forced to stand, hearing only the woofers.
• Backstage/side-stage, in contrast, is “special” though the sound may not be great—but you’re “in the show” in a sense.
• They name their “favorite” concerts they’d use this for—Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo, and The Midnight.

"If I could sit side stage at a concert with the biggest production, just to see that up close would be cooler than my favorite artist at a regular show."
— Andy (19:11)

Consensus: Everyone picks “stage wings.”

5. Would You Rather: Fully Functional Iron Man Suit or The Force (Star Wars)? (19:54–27:08)

• Premise: Iron Man suit with all its technological bells and whistles versus access to The Force from Star Wars?
• Extended, spirited debate. Andy is Team Force from the start, Mike and Jason are Team Iron Man ("You are way more a superhuman in the suit.").
• They discuss limitations, coolness, and practicalities—like upgrades, suit maintenance, breathing in space, and whether The Force would "run out of energy."
• Tangential side-quest into Star Wars logic: Why do Jedi ever fight with lightsabers instead of just “spamming” The Force? (22:11–23:43)
• Andy pleads: “Iron Man would beat a Jedi in a fight... Oh, he would massacre a Jedi.”
• Mike: “Would Iron Man beat a Jedi? He would massacre a Jedi!”
• Andy: “I think the opposite! Crush the metal with the Force!” (27:28–27:38)

Producer Poll:

Al (producer) chooses Iron Man Suit, the other producer chooses The Force.

6. What’s the Difference? (27:08–37:51)

A rapid-fire series where the guys try (often semi-seriously) to define the distinctions between confusingly similar things, riffing and bickering the whole time.

a) Salve vs. Ointment vs. Balm (28:01–30:28)

• Jason: “Balms are exclusively for lips.”
• Andy: “A salve needs to be a little minty... Like putting out a fire, if you’ve got a burn.”
• Lots of jokes about drinking salve (“You could drink a salve,” Jason deadpans), but ultimately, they settle on a scale of thickness:
  • Salve: Most liquid
  • Ointment: Thicker
  • Balm: Almost waxy

b) Amateur vs. Beginner vs. Novice (30:28–33:44)

• “Beginner” = You just started.
• “Novice” = You just started and you suck.
• “Amateur” = Not professional, may still be good, but it’s not your career.
• Extended riffing about juggling and “novice luck” as opposed to “beginner’s luck.”

c) Game vs. Match vs. Contest (33:46–37:51)

• Game: Smaller unit (e.g., in tennis: “game, set, match”)
• Match: The larger overall competition.
• Contest: Usually has a single winner (person or animal!), “trivial,” and often involves pies or best-looking pigs (Charlotte’s Web, Babe references).
• They muse about how words mean different things in different sports and bemoan the oddity of European “matches.”

7. Draft: Things That Are Purple (39:53–52:59)

Draft Order: Jason, Andy, Mike (snake draft style)

1. Jason: Grapes
   (Immediate regret: “I had the first pick, and I went with grapes...”)
2. Andy: Thanos
3. Mike: Amethyst
4. Mike: Royalty (“the color of royalty” — more concept than object)
5. Andy: Grimace (McDonald's character)
6. Jason: Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle)
7. Jason: Purple Rain (Prince song/album/movie)
8. Andy: Shredder (TMNT villain)
9. Mike: Eggplant (“very hip and very trendy...as an emoji!”)
10. Mike: Joker (as a purple-themed villain)
11. Andy: Waluigi (Mario franchise)
12. Jason: Purple Stuff (“from the Sunny Delight commercial!”)

Debate and honorable mentions:
Plums, Purple Heart (the medal), bruises, Mace Windu’s lightsaber, Barney, Twitch logo, teams (Vikings, Ravens), and the one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater. Joking lament about the lack of truly awesome purple objects in the world.

"There's just not a lot of great purple things... The color let God down."
— Jason (40:34)

"Purple might be my favorite color."
— Mike (46:43)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jason (scat anxiety): “This is the furthest I am away from scatting. Again. Feels good. Feels real good.” (02:12)
• Amazon Massage Chair Search Mystery:
  (06:00–06:42) – The entire cast tries to uncover which one of them keeps searching for massage chairs, with playful accusations and denials, ending in Andy’s noncommittal “maybe it was me…”
• Iron Man Suit vs The Force:
  “You are way more a superhuman in the suit than you are [with the Force].” — Jason (23:39)
  “Iron man could mow down 100 Jedis.” — Jason (27:28)
  “Just crush the metal, and you’re done. Use the Force to crush the body inside the metal.” — Andy (27:36)
• Purple Draft Regrets:
  “I had the first pick, and I went with grapes... I really did.” — Jason (43:27)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Scat & Banter: 01:11–03:08
• Would You Rather – $1M vs $5M Amazon: 03:08–11:59
• Would You Rather – Never Sick vs Never Traffic: 11:59–15:59
• Concert Front Row vs. Side-Stage: 16:01–19:39
• Iron Man Suit vs. The Force: 19:54–27:08
• What's the Difference Segment: 27:08–37:51
• Purple Draft: 39:53–52:59
• Honorable Mentions & Draft Debrief: 52:59–end

Episode Highlights

• Classic Spitballers mixture of absurd hypotheticals, high school-level debates about semantics, and group therapy over the scarcity of purple items.
• Standout “who’s been searching for massage chairs?” moment (05:31–06:42).
• Genuinely nerdy but hilarious “Iron Man suit vs. The Force” debate (including cameo input from producers) (19:54–27:08).
• The mass existential crisis that is the “Things That Are Purple” draft, ending in collective purple fatigue and Jason’s new-found hatred of the color.
• Endearing group dynamic: the guys lovingly roast each other, vent about life’s weirdest problems, and spiral into improvised tangents full of genuine laughter.

For Fans Who Missed the Show:
This episode is classic Spitballers: snappy banter, goofy hypothetical choices, accidental philosophy (“the color let God down”), and a uniquely specific draft that will leave you pondering why purple just doesn’t get its due in the color world. The interplay between Andy, Mike, and Jason is on-point, with comedy fueled as much by their failures as their successes.

Best Dad Joke Energy Award:
"We play pickleball. We have the same thing. Except better sport."
— Jason (36:36)