Secret Family Recipes & Embarrassing Things That Can Happen on a Date - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Secret Family Recipes & Embarrassing Things That Can Happen on a Date
Release Date: April 14, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason
Summary by Podcast Summarizer

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Episode Overview

In this comedy-packed episode, Andy, Mike, and Jason explore "would you rather" scenarios, life advice (that you probably shouldn't follow), and draft the most embarrassing things that can happen on a date. The trio delivers rapid-fire banter and relatable dad humor, sharing personal mishaps and group wisdom, all while keeping the laughs clean and family-friendly. The episode deftly balances classic Spitballers nonsense with genuinely useful (and sometimes accidentally insightful) observations about life, relationships, and social faux pas.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Scat Wars & Show Start [01:09–03:11]

• The episode opens amid playful chaos with Andy’s “scat” intro, featuring technical payback and inside jokes about muting each other's mics.
  • Tone: Lighthearted, teasing among the hosts.
  • Notable Moment: Andy receives “revenge” from Mike for past scat interruptions, sparking good-natured ribbing.

Would You Rather Segment

Superpowers and Eternal Pets [03:15–09:45]

• Scenario: Would you rather get telekinesis for two minutes per day or pick an immortal pet from a magic pet store?
• Discussion:
  • The guys debate the practical uses of telekinesis with a 250-lb lifting limit (getting towels, shower mishaps, minor chores), then pivot to the emotional pros and cons of a pet that never dies.
  • Quote:
    • Andy: "Would you rather have spaghetti or go to Hawaii? What?" [03:26]
  • Consensus: Immortal dog wins, with Jason remarking: "My dog lives forever." [07:09]
  • Mike questions the true coolness: "An eternal dog would be very cool. But let’s not…two minutes a day of telekinesis…what are the practical uses of this?" [07:15]

Aging: Body vs. Brain [09:45–13:30]

• Scenario: Would you rather your brain ages, but your body doesn’t, or vice versa (lifespan unchanged)?
• Discussion:
  • Mike wants to keep his mind sharp, saying, "I don't want to lose my brain. I really don't." [09:59]
  • Andy argues the body declines faster, joking that AI will soon do all his thinking.
  • Jason and Andy opt for the “ageless body,” while Mike is adamant about keeping his mind.
  • Memorable comparison: Andy: "If you got a room full of 30-year-olds vs. a room full of 70-year-olds…and you say, okay, what’s eight times six? …I don’t think the gap [in cognitive function] is as big as in physical ability." [12:32]

Changing Beauty Standards vs. Your Appearance [13:30–17:00]

• Scenario: Snap your fingers to become the ideal of beauty or have the world’s beauty standards match your looks.
• Discussion:
  • The hosts analyze the mind-bending concept: do you want to look like Brad Pitt, or want everyone to prefer your current look?
  • Jason: “So do you want to be hot, or do you want everyone as ugly as Jason?” [13:55]
  • Andy decides: “I want to look like Brad Pitt,” but the group agrees: it’s about self-confidence and instant boosts vs. shifting social perceptions.

Cigarette Smoke vs. Ripe Farts at a Sporting Event [17:07–23:34]

• Scenario: Sit next to a chain smoker or someone “continuously ripping extremely ripe, lingering farts.”
• Discussion:
  • Mike wonders if "oxygen deprivation" is a risk with a constant fart cloud. [17:26]
  • Andy consults the "AI" (his phone): “Farts cannot cause lung cancer. It’s made up of gases…” [17:50]
  • Personal anecdotes follow: Andy’s daily run-ins with a smoker behind his office and a harrowing airplane fart incident.
  • Notable Quotes:
    • Andy: “I do not fart on planes. I am a man of principle.” [20:55]
    • Jason: “You cannot become a farter and then be like, I’m cool with your farts, man.” [23:00]
  • Consensus: Most prefer farts to smoking, but Jason takes cigarettes, admitting: “You could become a smoker…but you can’t become a farter and be cool with someone else’s farts.” [23:00]

Life Advice Segment [26:17–44:25]

Washing Socks: Inside Out or Not? [26:38–32:38]

• Question: Should socks be washed inside out?
• Consensus: Doesn’t matter—any extra effort is wasted, and preferences are purely personal.
  • Andy: “If you are taking the time to take your socks and turn them inside out…you are making a mistake.” [30:18]
  • Hilarious deep dive into sock-removal technique: “Mr. Rogers your sock removal” [31:50]—do you pull from the toe or do the thumb-slip-up?

DIY Furniture and Spousal Honesty [32:40–36:45]

• Situation: Listener’s husband makes “rustic” (read: ugly) coffee table—must she keep it?
• Advice:
  • “When you choose to ask your spouse to contribute via creative project…you gotta live with the result.” – Mike [33:21]
  • Jason argues: “He will get better,” but Andy suggests nudging him toward other hobbies!
  • The hosts agree, honesty is key, but sometimes compassion rules (“Maybe you just find it in the garbage.” – Andy [34:27])

Secret Family Recipes & Potluck Lies [37:20–39:48]

• Situation: Listener fakes homemade dressing, coworkers now want the “recipe.”
• Advice: Claim it as a family secret, or read off the ingredients and let them figure it out.
  • Jason: “This is a family secret. This came with Nana on the boat.” [37:47]
  • Andy (on homemade vs. store-buy dressings): “You don’t have the equipment to remake store-bought dressing.” [38:19]
  • Al Borland (producer): People who refuse to give recipes are rude.
  • Mike: “If you went somewhere and they said, ‘It’s a family secret’… that’s not rude anymore!” [39:23]

Group Text Overload & Social Obligations [39:55–44:07]

• Situation: Family group texts are overwhelming—how can listener opt out?
• Advice: The group shares a viral “dad” message quitting group text obligations—Jason: “I can’t live with this pressure. I'm out.” [41:35]
  • Mike wishes for an AI-generated daily summary of family chat.
  • Andy delivers the "truth bomb" takeaway:
    • “The obligation for reaction means nothing means anything.” [43:23]
  • Actionable life advice from the group: "Turn your read receipts off. Live the right way." [44:25]

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Draft: Most Embarrassing Things That Can Happen on a Date [46:18–59:59]

Order: Jason, Mike, Andy (snake draft)

Top Picks & Biggest Laughs

1. Pooping Your Pants

   • Andy: “You pooped your pants. You lose. There’s nothing worse than that.” [46:34]
   • The group agrees, this is the ultimate embarrassing disaster—date over, social life at risk.

2. Spilling a Drink on Your Date

   • Mike: “Now have put them in a position where they…have to be uncomfortable the rest of the night. And every minute…that’s because of you.” [48:18]

3. Forgetting Your Date’s Name

   • Jason: “If you don’t know their name, how are you finding it out?”
   • Multiple brainstormed strategies (waiter asks, compare IDs). [49:06]

4. Credit Card Declined During the Date

   • Jason: “The level of embarrassment is, I can't handle it.” [51:37]

5. Kiss Denied (Cheek Turn–Rejection)

   • Mike: “You go in for the kiss and get the cheek turn. Probably not a second date on the way.” [52:14]

6. Uncontrollable Hiccups

   • Andy: “…You are hiccuping and you can’t stop. You’re annoying. You look like a loser.” [53:03]

7. Accidentally Texting About Them TO Them

   • Andy: “Even if it was a good text…it would feel so awkward.” [54:05]

8. Food Stuck in Your Teeth All Night

   • Mike: “And you find out afterwards…” [54:44]

9. Getting Stood Up at the Restaurant

   • Jason: “You sat at that table…for two. You’re like, they’re running a little late…” [55:11]

10. Laughing at Something That Wasn't a Joke

    • Jason: “They’re telling you a story…and you thought it was a joke.” [56:24]

11. Tripping and Falling Badly

    • Mike: “No grownup should be tripping and falling ever.” [56:44]

12. Zipper Down the Whole Date

    • Andy: “You get home, and you’re like…oh no…I had my zipper down the whole date!” [58:28]

Honorable Mentions

• Wet yourself (edited out as “poop” is worse), hitting your date with the door, throwing up, choking, bad breath, body odor, wardrobe malfunctions, parents having to drive you, rip your pants, bringing a breathalyzer to a date, getting turned away from a restaurant for being underdressed.

Classic Spitballers moment:
- Mike: “If I forgot deodorant on the way to the date, that date would be stood up. I would not show up.” [59:22] - Jason: “I didn’t order onions! What’s going on here?” (on bad breath) [59:24]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On washing socks:
  • Andy: “If you are taking the time to take your socks and turn them inside out…you are making a mistake.” [30:18]
• On eternal pets vs. telekinesis:
  • Jason: “My dog lives forever.” [07:09]
• On unescapable group texts:
  • Jason (quoting viral dad): “‘Unless it’s bad, then I dislike them in perpetuity. I can’t live with this pressure. I’m out.’” [41:35]
• On “Date Draft,” 1st pick:
  • Andy: “You pooped your pants. You lose.” [46:34]
• On social obligation burn-out:
  • Andy: “The obligation for reaction means nothing means anything.” [43:23]
• Actionable life advice:
  • Andy: “Turn your read receipts off. Live the right way.” [44:25]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Scat Wars & Show Start: [01:09–03:11]
• Would You Rather:
  • Telekinesis vs. Eternal Pet: [03:15–09:45]
  • Body Aging vs. Brain Aging: [09:45–13:30]
  • Beauty Standards/Appearance: [13:30–17:00]
  • Farts vs. Cigarettes at Sports Game: [17:07–23:34]
• Life Advice: [26:17–44:25]
  • Washing Socks: [26:38–32:38]
  • DIY Furniture Spouse Dilemma: [32:40–36:45]
  • Fake Family Recipe: [37:20–39:48]
  • Group Text Overwhelm: [39:55–44:07]
• Embarrassing Date Scenarios Draft: [46:18–59:59]

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Final Life Advice Takeaway

Andy: “Turn your read receipts off. Live the right way.” [44:25]
Mike: “Live free.”
Jason: “Check your breath.” [61:24]

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Tone, Style & Audience

• The Spitballers maintain their hallmark mix of self-deprecating humor, over-the-top hypothetical banter, and surprisingly relatable takes on everyday life.
• Tone is friendly, supportive, but rife with affectionate mockery and dad-level puns.
• Best for: Families, those seeking clean comedy, and fans of conversational podcasts with an improv vibe.

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Summary prepared for listeners who want all the laughs and lessons—without the risk of getting stuck in a cloud of farts or sending the wrong text to the wrong person!

Transcript

[Andy]

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[Jason]

You can.

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[Andy]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Yes.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Okay. Got him. You got me. Got him back, baby.

[Jason]

I was not a part of this plan. Yeah. And I was like, what is this sound that Jason is somehow able to make? I have never heard a human anything like this.

[Andy]

That might have been my best scat because it wasn't solely my voice. Now, that was me. Apparently you're owl. You're putting an Alvin filter on me or something. Is this what happened? Yes, sir. Oh, gotcha. Okay. Oh, I see. I see what you do.

[Mike]

On the drive in, I was like, you know, this man stole two scats from the. So let's steal another one from the history of the show. No. That's payback.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I get a little punishment.

[Mike]

He muted me mid scat or before I scattered. I got to get him back.

[Jason]

Is that a get back?

[Mike]

It's a get back.

[Andy]

I think it was an improvement.

[Jason]

Thank you, guy who hates doing the scat. You basically made it.

[Mike]

So I bailed him out.

[Jason]

You didn't have to do anything.

[Andy]

I did feel very bailed out. That was awesome.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Get me again.

[Jason]

I don't know if you know what revenge is.

[Andy]

Why?

[Mike]

Look, I did want to tell you.

[Jason]

$200 in your face. Got you so good.

[Mike]

Look, it's about the show. It's about the spitwads. We want Entertainment. All right, welcome to episode 322. We've got would you rather life advice. And we're drafting the most embarrassing things that can happen on a date.

[Andy]

Revenge is a dish best served warm and nice and delicious. I heated that up for you.

[Mike]

He's like, can I do the Alvin voice every scat?

[Andy]

Yeah, that would be awesome.

[Mike]

Yeah. It'll be a good show today. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for supporting. Thank you for sending in your ideas for would you rather. And life advice. And that's a great question. And your draft ideas are always welcome. Al Borland appreciates those very much. At Spitballers Pod on X. You can send those in. Let's get it going. Would you rather Jason, Mike, JD from Patreon writes in. Would you rather get telekinesis for two minutes every day? Which is what? Reading minds, right?

[Andy]

No, controlling stuff. No, the moving stuff with your mind.

[Mike]

Oh, I'm glad I asked.

[Andy]

Telekinesis, Kyle.

[Mike]

That would let me. That would let me. With mind. Bullets move things.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

You're thinking of telepathy.

[Mike]

Yes. Two minutes every day. We could move stuff with our minds or be given one time access to a magical pet store where whatever pet you pick out and bring home will never die.

[Andy]

So these things are very related.

[Mike]

They're not. Yeah. I mean, These are real. JD's got an imagination.

[Andy]

Would you rather have spaghetti or go to Hawaii? What?

[Jason]

For the sake of the conversation and the question, how powerful is my telekinesis? Oh, it's an important question.

[Mike]

Complete.

[Andy]

Complete. Like I can lift a building up out of the ground from the foundations. I can grab the moon.

[Jason]

It matters.

[Andy]

I was going to say £250. I don't know what that means. £250. Oh, okay, £250. So I can't lift a car?

[Jason]

No.

[Mike]

I can't lift alone. Yes.

[Andy]

Yes. Boom shakalaka. Oh, get wrecked. Oh, man.

[Jason]

See, that's revenge, dude.

[Andy]

Yeah, there you go. That's cold. That's cold blooded.

[Jason]

You do something to make someone else feel really bad.

[Andy]

Yeah. Owl.

[Mike]

Owl.

[Andy]

How did that feel?

[Jason]

Accurate.

[Andy]

Oh. Oh, no. That's why. Oh, man.

[Jason]

Candy is a turtle.

[Andy]

The. The best part of this is I really think Andy feels very bad right now. He's so upset that he did it, but can I tell you something, Andy? This is a good joke. That was a good joke.

[Jason]

Oh, my goodness.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

Oh, you're muted.

[Andy]

Oh, he muted me. He muted me. Oh, you should shoot me.

[Mike]

That's what he should do.

[Andy]

I'm so sorry. Oh, those were Jason jokes a while back.

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, you're really ruining a lot of our material here with your thin.

[Andy]

I could still be the fat guy.

[Jason]

No, you can't.

[Andy]

I mean, me and Jason talked yesterday. We were within a pound of each other.

[Mike]

Okay. All right.

[Andy]

But Jason, to be clear, can I.

[Mike]

Use telekinesis on either of you?

[Andy]

Barely.

[Mike]

Okay. Okay. Good. All right. It's hot in here, man.

[Jason]

Okay. 250 pound limit, two minutes a day.

[Mike]

What?

[Jason]

No. I get a dog that never dies.

[Mike]

See, I was gonna ask you the eternal. The eternal pet. Is that that cool?

[Andy]

Yes. I don't know if it is that cool because I don't want.

[Mike]

I don't want my pet to die. No.

[Andy]

But I wait until then to get another pet. You know what I mean? Like, I've had over my life.

[Mike]

You think, like, I've had a new pet is cool?

[Andy]

I've had Barkley, I've had Rocky. I've had these different dogs.

[Mike]

They're all dead.

[Andy]

They are. Well, not Rocky, but the rest are dead. And that sucks. That was a tragic, awful time. But there is something nice about those different periods of the new pet as well, you know?

[Jason]

Is that how you think about your wife, too?

[Andy]

I mean, you know, we're.

[Jason]

I need a new period, a new moment in my life.

[Andy]

Change can be good.

[Jason]

Not with your dog. No way. My dog lives forever.

[Mike]

An eternal dog would be very cool. But let's not. Two minutes a day of telekinesis. Does this mean that I. To be clear, is it a two minute window or do I get two total minutes of movement? So, like, I could use five seconds.

[Jason]

I'm giving you. I'm giving you the timer. That is, as you use it, it dwindles down my lifestyle.

[Mike]

What are the practical uses of this?

[Jason]

That's why I'm saying that I could.

[Mike]

Get like a soda out of the fridge and bring it to me.

[Andy]

That's right. Without getting up.

[Mike]

Without getting up.

[Andy]

But that's probably 10 seconds you use.

[Mike]

If I get out of the pool, I could bring the towel to me real quick.

[Andy]

Actually, the shower, when you forget to towel, that's legit. That's fully.

[Mike]

So this is good for the few times you forget the towel.

[Andy]

That is good. Or the toilet paper.

[Mike]

Or when you lose your. What do you mean?

[Andy]

Oh, if you're out of toilet paper, you sat down and you're like, oh, shoot, I didn't grab a new roll.

[Mike]

I thought you were sitting right next to the toilet paper. You put your hand out and you just bring it over like a foot.

[Jason]

How are you gonna get it? Like, if you can't see it?

[Andy]

You have to be able to visually see. Yeah, if it's close enough. Yeah, I can get it now. If the door shut. Oh, shoot. I can open the door. I can move that hand.

[Jason]

Can we roll over the time? Like, can I store up or. 2 minutes maximum.

[Andy]

2 minutes maximum.

[Mike]

Because you were, like, trying to save it for one full day of telekinesis.

[Jason]

I'm trying to figure out a way.

[Andy]

Let me say you had one full day of telekinesis. Why is that any better? What are you doing with it?

[Mike]

Well, if I can. If I stay under 250, weight wise, can I lift myself and do I have to walk anymore?

[Jason]

That's. That's a gray area.

[Mike]

Is it because it's my own self that's using the.

[Andy]

Yeah. Physics still matter here. I think that the only advantageous thing I can see, like, if I were to, like, I could be the best basketball player of all time. I'm swishing every shot because as soon.

[Mike]

As you notice, you're going to miss, which is often you just correct.

[Andy]

Yeah, but never. Because I correct.

[Jason]

But it would be like, you can get the ball exactly where it needs to be. So it only take you maybe a second.

[Andy]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jason]

Of your. Of your time.

[Mike]

People probably wouldn't notice that you're using telekinesis on your shots. No, because you're gonna get them close enough and they'll be like, why did it kind of turn a little bit there?

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

He always somehow.

[Mike]

Golf. You'd be real good at golf.

[Andy]

Real good.

[Jason]

Yeah, like the best. Well, I don't even know. You would see my slice, brother.

[Andy]

Not enough telekinesis.

[Mike]

Full two minutes to get it all the way from where you're hitting it.

[Jason]

That's hole one. I will take the dog.

[Andy]

Yeah, we're going to take the dog.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Forever. Noah from the website. I'm still sweaty. Would you rather have your brain continue to age normally but your body doesn't age? Or your body continues to age normally but your brain doesn't age?

[Andy]

This is philosophical.

[Mike]

Either way, your lifespan is the same. I don't want to lose my brain. I really don't. I already feel like I am. And, you know, I don't need to be able to go out and run a marathon, but if I can communicate with the people I care about, I think that's the way I'd go.

[Andy]

I see what you're saying. Obviously, if you lose your brain Your body is irrelevant, but this is, you know, having your brain continue to age normally. And I think that the brain ages better than the body.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

You know, I think that if I had a, you know, a 70 year old brain with a 30 year old body, that would be far Superior. Like a 70 year old is not.

[Mike]

You know, we're not saying you don't gain wisdom though, right?

[Andy]

Correct.

[Mike]

You're just like impact on memory, mental acuity.

[Andy]

Right.

[Mike]

Your cognitive function, learning.

[Andy]

My father is 74 and I don't feel like his mind is anywhere.

[Mike]

Well, you could get lucky. But I know, I mean my dad is 71, his body's in, he can't remember anything. His body's in really good shape. For 71.

[Jason]

For 70.

[Mike]

For 70.

[Jason]

But it's not a 20 something year old body.

[Mike]

No, I'm just saying like which gamble is the worst gamble? Because I know a lot of people that when they get older, their brains, their minds.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

It just naturally goes a bad way.

[Andy]

But if I compare, like if you.

[Mike]

Got, you're saying body versus brains.

[Andy]

Yes. If you got a room full of 30 year olds and a room versus a room full of 70 year olds, the room is full of just those two people. They're all 30 and they're all 70 and you say, okay, what's eight times six? What's, you know, you ask a bunch of intelligent questions. I don't think the gap between eight times six, you know, real brain busters. I'm just saying if you ask cottage cheese, you know.

[Mike]

No, I don't agree with you because look at you, your brain, right? Technology, you love technology, it changes all the time. You hit an age with your brain, it's over. You're not learning the new stuff. You're not.

[Andy]

I mean, honestly, if you want to bring technology, I was going to leave that off, but technology is going to make our brains very irrelevant. AI is going to do all my thinking for me already is. So give me that body now. Okay, now you tell, now you tell that room and you say, okay guys, I'd like 10 push ups please. And you got 30, you got the 30 year olds going down, going 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

[Jason]

You're right about that.

[Andy]

10. And then you got the 70 year olds going, I broke my hip. I just tried to get to the ground, I broke my hip.

[Mike]

But that implies, that implies 10 push ups is more valuable than.

[Andy]

I'm not saying that the body is more valuable than the brain. I'm saying that the gap is so much bigger between Body and body wears.

[Jason]

Down faster than your brain.

[Mike]

I want the brain. I want the brain. I don't want the risk of not having my brain there. I agree that the no body with a brain. Okay. I still like my life.

[Andy]

Sure.

[Jason]

I'm with you.

[Mike]

No brain with the body. I do not the risk because it's.

[Jason]

Like, I mean, you know, Alzheimer's and that stuff is like, that's, that is something that I don't wish upon anybody. So you prevent. In this scenario, you're preventing from that risk. But I think that I'm with Jason. I'm going to take the. I'm going to take the physical body.

[Mike]

Madison from X. Would you rather snap your fingers and have your appearance transform to something that closely aligns with society's standards for aesthetics and beauty? Glad Madison is. Lots of words there.

[Andy]

Say you look good.

[Mike]

Yeah. Or snap your fingers and you have society's standards for aesthetics. Beauty transform to something that closely aligns with your current appearance.

[Jason]

So do you want to be hot or do you want everyone as ugly as Jason?

[Mike]

Right. I don't think that's the summary. I think the summary would be that everybody doesn't change. It's their opinion. Their opinion becomes that what you look like.

[Jason]

Oh, standards.

[Mike]

Yes, the opinion of like, everyone. Like, you snap your fingers and Jason is the ideal man.

[Jason]

Right.

[Mike]

And so he is already fitting that.

[Andy]

Yeah, I already am.

[Mike]

So this is a really impossible question because in our, in our brains, we know what we think those standards are.

[Jason]

This is like the episode of the Twilight Zone where they take the bandages off the gal's face and she's just, she's like a Hollywood actress and everyone's.

[Andy]

Like, oh, you're hideous.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And then the big twist is everyone looks like a pig face.

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

I have not seen that episode.

[Mike]

Sounds wild in that, in the kind of analogy there. You'd be the pig face in this situation.

[Andy]

Yeah, I don't want to be the pig face.

[Jason]

But your face is like a pig.

[Mike]

And people like it.

[Andy]

Oh, people like the pig face.

[Mike]

Yes. You live in a world of pig faces.

[Andy]

I mean, if people like pig faces, I want to be a pig face.

[Mike]

Right.

[Jason]

Like if you.

[Mike]

Good example, Al. That's a good point. Yeah. If you snap your fingers, you could look like Brad Pitt or you could snap your fingers and Brad Pitt now wants to look like you.

[Andy]

Well, that's easy. I want to look like Brad Pitt.

[Mike]

But that's because you think that Brad Pitt looks like the best looking man.

[Andy]

It's because Brad Pitt is healthier. Than me. It's because if I can.

[Jason]

No, no, no. You don't change. It's people's op.

[Mike]

No, no, no.

[Andy]

One of them is I changed to look like Brad Pitt. Right? Correct. So that one. I. That's a different.

[Mike]

That's because you respect the way Brad Pitt looks.

[Andy]

No, I'm just saying objectively, like, even outside of abdominal fat is bad. This is just aesthetics. This is not health or long term.

[Mike]

This question's a mind job because the answer is truly, I want to snap my fingers and look like something I think is good looking.

[Jason]

So I feel like if I snap my fingers, nothing changes. All right.

[Andy]

No, no, no. Yeah, no, I see what you're saying, Eddie. So the.

[Mike]

Can I move you with my mind?

[Andy]

The answer really should be that you want to snap your fingers and look like who you think is attractive. That is the answer for everybody. That's the real answer. That's the real answer. Because alternatively, if it's all from your own vantage point and your own opinions and so if you snap your fingers, it's nice that everyone else would think that you are the ideal attraction, but you wouldn't.

[Mike]

But if you don't. But that changes, you won't feel good.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. It will change over time. Like if everybody thinks you're attractive, you will start having self confidence and all of those things. But one happens immediately. Have to work out. But one happens immediately. If I snap my fingers, you and I do look like, you know, the ideal version. I'll feel great immediately and everyone thinks I look good, so.

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

I picked that one. Yeah, for sure.

[Mike]

Okay, we got time for one more.

[Andy]

Yeah, let's do one more.

[Mike]

Ethan from Patreon, you are at an outside sporting event. Would you rather have the person next to you chain smoking cigarettes? Doesn't sound great. Or continuously ripping extremely ripe, lingering farts.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

Extremely ripe.

[Andy]

So I have a question. Yeah.

[Mike]

Can farts cause lung cancer?

[Andy]

Ooh, that is one for AI. I'm on it.

[Mike]

I bet, like, if you're exposed to them at that, that. I mean, like, let me for a day.

[Jason]

No, you're gonna be fine.

[Mike]

Yeah, but thought experiment here. Cigarettes replace what's going into your body with fart.

[Jason]

I think it's. There's.

[Mike]

Would you get cancer from that?

[Jason]

There's chemicals that we send out that are really bad.

[Andy]

No, no, we're good here. Farts cannot cause lung cancer. It's made up of gases like nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide.

[Mike]

Is there methane in there?

[Andy]

There's a little methane. Small amounts of sulfur I don't want to smoke sulfur. Right. But they're small amounts.

[Jason]

But these aren't small amounts. These are continuous. Extremely.

[Andy]

Right. Lingering. What is.

[Jason]

These are heavy. They sit in the air like a cloud.

[Mike]

If you sit in a cloud of farts, do you. When you leave there? Because if I'm next to the cigarette smoker, I leave, I'm going to smell like cigarettes all day.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

My clothes.

[Jason]

You will smell like farts.

[Mike]

Yeah, you will. That's the question.

[Jason]

If you're sitting in.

[Mike]

If you're sitting in. Farts are permanent.

[Andy]

They will permeate.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's getting in that shirt.

[Mike]

Your shirt. How long, though? Like, eight hours goes by, I'm gonna smell like cigarettes. You're telling me I take my shirt off at the end of the day and I smell it. It smells like the farts of the morning?

[Jason]

I think so.

[Andy]

All right, I got an update here.

[Jason]

I think so.

[Mike]

Uh.

[Andy]

Oh, what if it was extreme amounts and a constant cloud of farts that never leave? Okay. And now that this is. This is a game changer. But says not lung cancer. Still, oxygen deprivation is the big immediate death. Yeah. You might die from farts. Like now.

[Jason]

He choked on a fart.

[Andy]

So I've got. I've got personal experience with both of these recently.

[Mike]

He does both at the same time.

[Jason]

I.

[Andy]

So really. Yes.

[Jason]

I'm more. I'm more.

[Mike]

I hope this is an airplane or something.

[Andy]

This was an airplane. So we just.

[Jason]

I'm more surprised about the cigarettes. Cigarettes. So, like, where.

[Andy]

There. I know.

[Jason]

Like, where are you around that.

[Andy]

Where am I around cigarettes? Every day here, after I eat lunch, I take two laps. I take two laps around the building.

[Mike]

Okay, Your fart laps.

[Andy]

I am outside in the open air, and there is a person who is every day taking a smoke break. The same person every day, no matter what.

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

That person just sits down and smokes behind one of the buildings. I can't. I really, like. I'm not around it a lot. I don't. I can't believe I'm outside and I walk 15ft away from this person. Yeah, all the way away. And I'm like. I have to hold my breath because I'm, like, straight smoking a cigarette.

[Mike]

So you're kind of going. Just to be clear, you're kind of going on a smoke break every day at lunch.

[Andy]

Yeah. For health, you know, trying to make sure. Trying to make sure I stay healthy, get my legs moving, and suck in that tobacco.

[Mike]

I didn't realize you were having to. You should bring a mask that you put on 30ft away.

[Andy]

Yeah, just put it on. Wait till they look at me walk through.

[Mike]

Take the mask off.

[Jason]

Store up your farts.

[Mike]

Oh. Oh.

[Andy]

Fight fire with fire.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Nice. I like that. I thankfully always have my farts stored up, and I am ready at any moment.

[Mike]

It's frightening.

[Andy]

But also, we just flew to Chicago, and I thought I was gonna make that whole plane flight. You didn't make a statement yet, but right at the end, man, someone.

[Mike]

Oh, you.

[Andy]

Not me. I do not fart on planes.

[Mike]

Now, you're a man of principle.

[Andy]

I am a man of principle. That you don't. You don't make 100 other people recirculate your insights like, don't do it, people. I will say this. If I'm on a plane, I will. Sometimes, if I really need. I'll give a little test. Yeah, I'll give a little test. Right.

[Mike]

To see if you're packing smell.

[Andy]

To see if I'm packing heat, you know, or just wind. Wind is fine. Okay.

[Jason]

But if an earth is.

[Andy]

Yeah. If it's earth, then. Then you just. You got to suck it up, and you don't do it. You can walk to the bathroom and fart in air if you got to do it, of course. But someone did not abide by my rules, and that was nasty. That was an egg fart. You know what I mean? That was one of them.

[Jason]

Where it's, like, may not have had control if it's that bad.

[Andy]

Yeah, they didn't.

[Jason]

I don't know.

[Mike]

Don't let them off the hook.

[Andy]

I'm still gonna take the farts over the cigarettes.

[Mike]

I think so, too.

[Jason]

I think I'm taking the cigarettes.

[Mike]

What's a better story? It's a funny story, to be honest.

[Jason]

The farts is the way better story.

[Mike]

Yeah. Oh, man. I was stuck in a bunch of farts for a little while.

[Andy]

Oh, dude.

[Jason]

Other people's farts.

[Andy]

Other people's farts. I can smell the. When I have an egg fart myself.

[Jason]

You know what I mean?

[Andy]

Like, I'm like, whoa, that is insane. Let me see that again. But if I smell even a mildly bad fart from someone else, it's so weird, I want to vomit.

[Mike]

It's so weird how that works.

[Jason]

And it's like, I could. Cigarettes. I don't want to be around it, but I'll. I know what it is.

[Mike]

So wind.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

You know wind and not earth.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

Now, Jeremy, wind and the earth. You used to smoke many decades ago, right? I'm curious. I would imagine when you Smoked. You did not in any way, shape or form mind the smell of smoke, right? Yeah, for the most part. I mean, you're a smoker. So in these situations, if you're always around a smoker, I'm not advocating to take up smoking, but you could. You could become a smoker. And now I don't care. You can't become a farter and then be like, I'm cool with your farts, man.

[Mike]

Interesting. Interesting.

[Andy]

So, like, you have an avenue here to be totally okay outside of cancer that just by, like, smoking this is blowing me away.

[Mike]

Literally.

[Jason]

Just take it. Just take up the habit.

[Andy]

I'm just saying you.

[Jason]

Because it's one day you're outside sporting.

[Mike]

Event when you're smoking cigarettes.

[Andy]

It's not like, oh, I forgot the principle. It's just one day.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

Oh, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna become a smoker for a day. Don't smoke, kids.

[Mike]

Did you ever smoke, Mike?

[Jason]

I did not growing up.

[Mike]

Did you, Jay?

[Jason]

No. No.

[Mike]

Yeah. None of us.

[Andy]

No. And we are alive. Coincidence, right?

[Mike]

I did take up farting, though. All right, we'll take a break. Back with some life advice.

[Jason]

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[Andy]

Spitballers to the rescue.

[Mike]

Well, we, we take a moment every once in a while to really dish out some important life advice to make an impact on your life. We things like taking up smoking, you know.

[Jason]

You know, to get rid of the smell. Wait a minute.

[Andy]

If you smell smoke, just light up.

[Mike]

This is the real name.

[Andy]

Yeah. That's pure irony.

[Mike]

But yes, the first question in life advice is from a Patreon supporter named not smoke.

[Jason]

Good for you.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Hey, fellas. Marital dispute that needs settling. And I know you guys won't steer us wrong.

[Andy]

You're darn right.

[Mike]

We're all still married. Simple question. Should socks be washed inside out or not?

[Andy]

I mean, it's. Simple answer. It's a real genuinely simple answer. No, it don't matter.

[Jason]

Oh, it was not a yes or no question.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Should they be washed inside out? Oh, no. Or not. You're right. Yeah. So yeah, I read it wrong.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

I don't try to do one of them, but I imagine the best thing for the sock would be inside out. Where the feetsies were.

[Jason]

Yeah, I don't think that it matters.

[Andy]

I can't fathom that it makes any ounce of difference.

[Mike]

Here's where it may make some sort of difference. If there was anything inside the sock.

[Andy]

Like if it was filled with mayonnaise.

[Mike]

Well. Or like something that couldn't permeate.

[Andy]

I don't even know what that would be.

[Mike]

Something between your Toes.

[Andy]

Something between my toes. Is my foot on? I mean, you take a sock off. You take the sock off and you put it in. Half the time when you put.

[Mike]

I've never thought about this before.

[Andy]

Half the time when you put clothes in one way, I feel like it comes out. Inside out. Anyways. It makes. Do you fold your socks?

[Mike]

Do you put them in pairs?

[Jason]

I do.

[Andy]

I do not. But I don't just clump them. I take my socks out and then I, like, give them a nice little tug, stretch them out and lay them in a flat line. And then I have a flat layer of socks. I just grab two socks at a time. It's great.

[Mike]

See, I just throw them unpaired. They're all the same socks.

[Jason]

Oh, you what?

[Mike]

I just throw them into a drawer, then I just grab two out of the drawer. What's the big deal with that? Wait, you're shaking your head over there.

[Jason]

Type A.

[Mike]

That's crazy.

[Andy]

That is.

[Jason]

Lives with an unorganized drawer I keep closed.

[Mike]

I don't have to look at it.

[Andy]

Yeah, but. No, I get what. I get what he's freaking out about now. It's not that. That is a weird thing to do. No, it is that. That is a weird thing for you to do.

[Mike]

I'm not ocd.

[Jason]

No, that's not ocd. It's.

[Andy]

But you're.

[Jason]

But you want things. Your Type A. You want it organized. I guess you leave.

[Mike]

I'll be more impatient than you leave.

[Jason]

Type A. Your desktop has.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, my desktop has over a million icons.

[Jason]

All right. Okay. Now the check.

[Andy]

Sock torn. Check.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's a. My. My form of type A is. Can I. Efficiency. Yeah, it's. Can I delete it from my brain and not think about it?

[Jason]

I think there could be something to. If it's inside out, maybe it's washed slightly better. But then I add all the time of. I have to slide them in. Yes. And that is fundamentally so obnoxious.

[Mike]

If this was something I was putting on a part of my body that I cared more about being clean all the time.

[Jason]

So, like, I would think about pants.

[Mike]

I mean, my feet. I don't care if it's perfectly clean. Sock.

[Andy]

You're saying if people wore face socks, you might care? I mean, it's not a. I'm like, what part of your body do you care more about, if not underwear?

[Jason]

Yeah, I mean, the hot zones. You got the pits, you got the underpants, then you got your feet.

[Mike]

My feet just feel more, like, immune from, you know, they got thick skin.

[Jason]

They'Re way down there.

[Mike]

You know, they're very like. Like, nobody's, like, around my feet all the time.

[Jason]

It's the outcast of your body. So far away.

[Andy]

They're made to get dirty.

[Mike]

They're calloused up. I run on them.

[Jason]

It's the farthest thing from your brain. You don't care about my feet.

[Mike]

Thank you. You got on board quickly.

[Andy]

Genuinely. If you are taking the time to take your socks and turn them inside out, congratulations. To do absolutely nothing to make it no different other than now. You have to right side them in so that you can fold them or put them on or whatever. You are making a mistake. So I don't know which. I don't know which one of you is doing it wrong, but you don't need to. You don't need to turn your socks inside out.

[Jason]

Getting them. Getting them inside out. That's easy because you can do that. That's how you take it off your foot.

[Andy]

Sure. Yeah.

[Jason]

But then they add.

[Andy]

You're still adding a step.

[Jason]

Yeah, they're adding the step of having to correct them all after doing all injury.

[Mike]

That part would suck.

[Andy]

How do you take your socks off? Do you guys take, like. Are your socks usual?

[Jason]

Nice.

[Andy]

Oh, my goodness gracious. That's a you joke every day of the week. All right, that's fair. Do you guys do the pull from the back and it comes off inside out, or do you do the like. No, take it off the heel and then pull from the toes.

[Jason]

I'm usually in higher socks, so I do the thumbs in the, you know, I guess the top and then slip it up.

[Mike]

Really?

[Andy]

So your socks come off, not inside out?

[Jason]

Correct.

[Andy]

Mine as well.

[Mike]

That's a big difference on the height of the sock. Because if I. Yeah, because they're not going to come off really easily. Just grab them. If it's a tall sock. But I use my ankle socks. I don't care how they come off.

[Andy]

It's ironic because I feel like if I had tall socks, they would always be inside out because I would grab it at the top and.

[Mike]

But they're tighter.

[Jason]

Yeah, but it's an investment in the future.

[Mike]

Interesting, because I.

[Jason]

Because I don't want.

[Mike]

So you, Mr. Rogers, your sock removal. You go sit nicely in a chair and you carefully take your socks off. Because you're not doing that standing up. No, two feet in.

[Jason]

I would say two feet in your.

[Mike]

No, I meant your thumb. He'd be this thing with his hands.

[Jason]

The sock removal is almost always like, I'm going to Bed. So I get in the bed, and I. And now I'm already sick.

[Mike]

No midday soccer moves? No, I don't. Interesting. Jason, Barefoot, midday.

[Andy]

No, not. Not usually. I mean, there's. There's times where, you know, you. You play pickleball and you go to take a midday shower or something. I will say that when I am sweaty, those are going to always end up inside out.

[Jason]

That is, if they're. If the. If the socks are sweaty, it's harder.

[Mike]

To get them off because you just don't want to. You want to touch the least amount of socks.

[Jason]

Exactly.

[Andy]

I'm gonna grab the back and just.

[Mike]

Kelsey from Twitter. My not very handy husband has decided to try his hand at making us some new furniture to save money. But his quote, rustic coffee table looks more like something I would have made from popsicle sticks in kindergarten. Is this brandy? We even had a guest ask if we're going for a deconstructed look.

[Jason]

Well, if you're going for rustic, then.

[Mike]

I think he's ending up rustic on accident. Now he is on Etsy searching for the next furniture project. How do I fix this? Or must I embrace this DIY disaster? I do have an opinion on this, by the way.

[Andy]

I will.

[Mike]

Which is when you choose to ask your spouse to contribute via creative project. Because you've looked up Pinterest and you see all these things that you love, you got to live with the result. That's my opinion. You either. If you're taking the time, you're paying the price.

[Andy]

Well, it doesn't seem like she necessarily asked because it said, you know, he's decided to try his hand at making some new furniture. So he might be taking this on.

[Jason]

By himself, but to save money, so new furniture was necessary.

[Andy]

Okay. And he's like, no, I got this. And then it was trash. And are you forced to keep the trash? Probably.

[Jason]

Yeah, you have to keep the trash. The dude has a hobby, and like a. This is a good hobby of. You're going to make stuff with your hands.

[Mike]

Yeah, but if you're a.

[Jason]

He will get better.

[Mike]

If you were, like, a terrible, terrible painter, but you liked to paint, do I have to hang up all of your pictures on my wall? No, you don't.

[Andy]

No, you don't.

[Mike]

See, I know in my house, if I did this, my wife would just walk in and be like, that sucks.

[Andy]

Yeah, you would.

[Mike]

And I'd be like, okay.

[Andy]

You would walk in and find that in the garbage.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah. Here's the thing. He's on Pinterest looking for New DIY projects. You need to usurp that and find requests for new hobbies. Like, you need to find him a new hobby. Something that, you know he's going to love this, you know, and it's not furniture making.

[Jason]

That's the devil you don't know.

[Mike]

Can you say that's a good first try?

[Andy]

You can. I don't think you. I don't think you're going to want to try that on. Or maybe you do. Maybe that's what you have to do.

[Mike]

Doesn't mean that you have to, like, lie.

[Jason]

No, no, you don't have to lie about it. But I'm saying to shut down what this person is doing if they're looking for another one. Like, clearly, this guy enjoyed the process. He felt good about it, and he wants to get better. So let him. Let him get better.

[Mike]

How do I fix this? You just.

[Jason]

You eventually say, hey, that would look.

[Mike]

So good in our storage unit.

[Jason]

You say, hey, you've gotten so much better. You should take another crack at this table. Like your new stuff. This looks great over here. But your new stuff looks so much.

[Andy]

Better that we're not adding new furniture. You're just replacing one bad piece.

[Mike]

Right? That was actually good advice.

[Andy]

That was.

[Mike]

Mike is the master of confrontation.

[Jason]

Oh, no, I am not. I mean, personally, while I'm talking about it on the microphone, but you put me in it and I'll be like, I love it.

[Andy]

My piece of advice would be, I'm so sorry. Invest in a pivot. You know, get them some golf clubs.

[Mike]

Now, that's what I'm saying.

[Jason]

You want the husband doing four or five hour golf trips?

[Andy]

If it means I don't have bad furniture, yeah. Get out there.

[Mike]

Give me papa. Josh has made a lot of home improvements, furniture, you know, tables, things around.

[Jason]

He's gonna have carpentry skills.

[Mike]

Have you made something that you finished and your wife rejected. Hold on.

[Jason]

That you were proud of and then.

[Andy]

No.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

I know when it's bad. Like, you should know if it's bad.

[Mike]

Have you ever made anything bad?

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

Oh, okay. So you never try to put the bad thing in the house?

[Andy]

Oh, no.

[Mike]

You just preempt it and say, I know this is bad. I'm gonna throw this in the garbage.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

So what do you do with it?

[Jason]

Or do you break it down and reuse the stuff?

[Andy]

I'll reuse the wood. Okay.

[Mike]

Okay. Have you had a project where you got all the way done and had.

[Jason]

To just fully just scrap it and start over?

[Andy]

I made the world's ugliest table one time.

[Mike]

Did you.

[Andy]

Oh, it was terrible. Terrible.

[Mike]

How long in the process did you realize it was ugly and did you finish out of just needing to finish?

[Andy]

I finished it. And then I went, what have I created? It's a monster.

[Mike]

Oh, so you had them. You had the mercy on your family not to be like, honey, I finished it. Let's put it in the house. Yeah.

[Andy]

Don't do that to your family.

[Mike]

Kara from Patreon. I've been using store bought dressing for our company potlucks. Oh, no. But telling everyone it's my special homemade recipe.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Now several co workers want the recipe.

[Andy]

It's a family secret.

[Mike]

Should I attempt to reverse engineer the dressing from the bottle's ingredient list or just fess up?

[Jason]

I think Jason landed right on the perfect answer.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'm with him.

[Jason]

This is a family secret. This came. This came with Nana on the boat.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, The Mayflower. I call this the Mayflower dressing.

[Jason]

I was going more like an Ellis Island.

[Mike]

It's very easy to be like, well, it's a family secret, but I'm gonna give you a hint. There is some dill and you just read the ingredients list. Let them figure it out. Maybe someone does reverse engineer it for you.

[Jason]

Hey, we've perfected this over years. You don't just get it for free.

[Andy]

I can also tell you, you can't reverse engineer this. Okay. I have made homemade dressings. They're great. They are nothing at all like a store bought dressing. I mean, the amount of manufacturer. You don't have the equipment to remake store bought dressing. You literally. I think you could. Oh, no. There's no.

[Jason]

Chef Jason has. You've not been able to crack this case.

[Andy]

I know for a fact you cannot replicate in home. A. I mean, what are you missing?

[Mike]

If you do.

[Andy]

You're. You're missing literal, like heating equipment and stuff to. You know, the dressings are really, really bad for you. Oh, they're so good. If you're trying to make those, it's never gonna be replicated to what they are used to having. Not that you can't make great dressings at home.

[Mike]

Al said if you ask somebody for a recipe and they said, no, it's a secret, he'd be like, oh, that person sucks.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Really? I would be impressed.

[Mike]

I'd be like, do you expect.

[Andy]

If you went somewhere and you're like, this is really good. Can I get the recipe? And they're like, nah, it's a secret. If I said, okay. If I said there's a secret. That's rude. If I said, oh, I'm sorry. It's a family secret, that's not rude anymore, I disagree. Is it for the love of my mother, you suck. Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. Rest in peace.

[Jason]

Oh.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Andy]

Who sucks now?

[Jason]

Mom's last wish.

[Andy]

Who sucks now?

[Jason]

Is to keep the secret safe.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's lost.

[Mike]

Maybe if you marry into the family.

[Andy]

If you play that card, then I'll back off. No, I'll play that card.

[Mike]

Carla from Twitter. My family loves.

[Jason]

Why don't you figure it out, man?

[Mike]

My family loves to have long group text conversations, but I get overwhelmed by the notifications. I have tried silencing the alerts, but then I feel like I have to find time to read through everything at some point in the future to make sure I haven't missed anything important, but there never is. How can I opt out of this without upsetting somebody I just recently had? So for our family, when there's a birthday party for one of the kids, a lot of the times the invites go out in a big group text. And just recently, my brother was like. He was so funny and over the top because the group text was like, we're having a party. It's at my house at this day. Show up if you'd like to. Please nobody reply to this thread no matter what. Yes, if you want to come, come. If you don't, don't reply. Please don't reply. There were a few replies.

[Jason]

Of course there's a few replies.

[Mike]

I'll be there. The you can count on us.

[Jason]

It reminded me immediately there was. I don't know if you guys heard this story that went around. I think this was a couple years ago about a Pennsylvania dad. Like, it's one of those viral stories because he said there was quote or that he. This is what he sent to the family chat says I can't keep up with the pressure of always having to LOL or like or heart everyone's random thoughts, picks, and amusements for all future texts. I love them, laugh at them, or like them. Unless it's bad. Then I dislike them in perpetuity. I can't live with this pressure. I'm out. Oh, man, that's from and that's dad.

[Andy]

That is a man after Mike's heart.

[Mike]

You can do it, you know.

[Jason]

Just send that verbatim.

[Mike]

Yeah. I wonder if someday we'll get to the point where AI can help with this. Like, can I just get. I'll mute the notifications. Can you just have AI, send me an email summary, one paragraph of what happened that day.

[Andy]

And the obligations, the expectations now the social needs, they're too much. It's taking away from things that actually matter. You know, it's like the.

[Jason]

Yeah, no, no, it's not a story.

[Mike]

No, no, no.

[Jason]

I'm saying I legit just did this. So. Biggest loser from the fantasy footballers, Brian Ketcher, great friend of the show, Brian Ketron.

[Andy]

We're. What a loser. We're.

[Jason]

We're reals bros. So, like, we'll scroll, scroll reels on Instagram and we'll send funny stuff back and forth. And, like, he.

[Mike]

Do you have to put a thumbs up on him?

[Jason]

Yeah. It's like he got in this habit of he would react to everyone I'm sending. And so then I was like, I guess I have to react to everyone you're sending. And then I just. Then one day I was like, all right, look here, dude, we're resetting. I don't need you to react to every single one. It doesn't.

[Andy]

Good.

[Jason]

It does not matter to me if you react to one. I know you particularly liked that one a lot. And he wrote. He's like, oh, thank God. He's like, but this has become too much. Yeah, it was, I guess, putting his wife on blast, he said, because he has to react to every reel that his wife sends or she feels like he wasn't paying attention to.

[Andy]

Mike, I am so proud of you as a man and happy for our audience to hear this. Truth bomb.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

Bring these things up. This is what I was. This is exactly what I was talking about. The obligation for reaction means that nothing means anything.

[Jason]

Right?

[Andy]

Stop loving everything and liking everything and be punished.

[Mike]

Everything. At that point.

[Andy]

Yes. Turn your read receipts on. No, no, no. That will never. Oh, my gosh. When I said a text and then it gets marked as read, I'd go, you fool. You don't know what you're doing.

[Mike]

The read receipt puts you in an obligatory spot where if you read it, you're like, crap. I wish I could unread it so I can react later.

[Jason]

No, no, no. That thing is off.

[Mike]

Because the second somebody gets hit with a read receipt, the timer begins on whether you care. You care about them. Yes.

[Andy]

This is the life advice section. Not Smoke from Patreon. Kelsey from Twitter. Kara from Patreon, Carla from Twitter. The one takeaway is turn your read receipts off. That's the only important life advice that we can give today to everyone listening. Turn your read receipts off. Live the right way.

[Mike]

Live Free.

[Jason]

Live your life.

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[Mike]

All right, we are drafting most embarrassing things that can happen to you on a date. Jason, you have the first pick.

[Jason]

You're already laughing.

[Andy]

I mean, come on. There's one that you just can't come back.

[Jason]

Get it out of the way.

[Andy]

I'm going to poop my pants. You pooped your pants. You lose. I mean, that's. There's nothing worse than that. You just pooped your pants. I mean, it's like it's over. What do you do? You stink, you're smelly.

[Jason]

You say, thank you for your time.

[Andy]

Thank you for your time. I would like for you to leave now. Cause I'm not walking away before you.

[Jason]

You just.

[Andy]

You have to do backward steps.

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Jason]

They never see the evidence.

[Andy]

I know it's incredibly childish, but, like, it's the 101. It's the 101.

[Jason]

Yes. Do you.

[Mike]

I just imagine someone saying, like, I'm sorry I pooped my pants and then just sprinting.

[Andy]

I don't think you sprint with poop in your pants, but just admitting it is a bold choice. I Mean, that's one of those. Like, if you're at a restaurant and, you know, let's say it's the first date, and you're like, I pooped my pants. I think admitting it is.

[Jason]

It's the only possible way out.

[Andy]

Oh, man. I don't know. I pooped my pants once, and I didn't admit it until on this show.

[Jason]

But you weren't on a date.

[Andy]

That's true.

[Jason]

I mean, you're not getting out no matter what, but I think the only way out is. This is going to sound really weird.

[Mike]

Okay, well, that is the 101.

[Jason]

I think I had a lot of fiber today.

[Mike]

I'm going to go with spilling a drink on your date. I'm spilling a drink on your date.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You have done something. I understand it was an accident, but you have done it to your date, and you have now put them in a position where they. What are they supposed to do if they're covered in a drink?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

They now have to be uncomfortable the rest of the night. And every minute they feel that their shirt is wet or their pants are wet or wherever you spilled the drink, that's because of you. Yeah.

[Andy]

And you probably stained a nice outfit.

[Mike]

And you don't want to. If it's water and you're like, well.

[Andy]

Sure, if it's water, that's. That can just be a fun time. But I'm talking about soda, and I'm talking. This ain't no Sprite. This is.

[Mike]

Well, and you can't, like, be like, oh, let me help you dry that.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You know, because then you're, like, starting to grow.

[Jason]

Yeah. You know, that's a bad.

[Mike]

Don't want to do that look.

[Jason]

So that'll be spilled on him.

[Mike]

Spilled.

[Andy]

I had that on my list.

[Jason]

Okay, so I get two picks here. For the first one, I'm gonna go with. You forget their name.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Because.

[Mike]

Yep.

[Andy]

I had on my list.

[Jason]

How do you navigate?

[Mike]

I had calling them the wrong name.

[Andy]

I had calling them your ex's name.

[Mike]

Yep.

[Jason]

But if you forget.

[Mike]

I mean, one time you do that, you, like. There's no excuse for it. There's no way to unring that bell because I had.

[Jason]

I have the calm. Your ex's name. And that would be embarrassing. But that feels like something you can move past. But if you don't know their name, how are you finding it out?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Oh, are you gonna be like, let's.

[Andy]

Compare driver's licenses, sir.

[Jason]

I think you would. The right thing to do is ideas for our drinks.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

With Sally who I of course, know. All right, you got to go over.

[Andy]

To the waiter, and you got to say, hey, when you come back, would you ask for our names? Just say, hey, are you a regular here? What's your name?

[Mike]

Yep. No, that would be terrible. Forgetting your date's name. That's a good one.

[Jason]

And then we'll. We'll follow that one up with.

[Andy]

Your.

[Jason]

The end of the dates happening, check shows up, that credit card got declined.

[Andy]

That's. That is the 102 to me. Yeah. So I originally had forgetting your wallet, but then I realized, I mean, that sucks, right? Like, oh, you got to pay for this. But that is nowhere. That is. That is. That's just like, whoopsie doozles.

[Mike]

I mean, you could. You could Venmo them right on the.

[Andy]

Spot and be fine getting your card declined at the date. And not like, they. Your date's gonna pay for this because someone has to, and you're declined. But the reason that they're paying is it because I forgot, Is because it's like, I can't. I can't afford this thing.

[Mike]

I feel like I'd try to call the bank and speakerphone right there and be like, you know, try to solve it right in front of them. So, credit card decline, forgetting your date's name.

[Jason]

Have you ever had a decline for anything?

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's normally one of those ones where it's like, I get the text, too, and it's like they think it's fraud or something, but it's like, I mean, never for lack of funds.

[Jason]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've had that happen, like, while married with my wife, and it's like, that's embarrassing enough.

[Andy]

It is the most.

[Jason]

My wife there.

[Andy]

It is the most embarrassing thing. She knows how much money we have. Yeah. Like, if genuinely you can have money in the account, plenty of it. Like, sometimes your card gets flagged when you travel, Right. You'll go out of state and you'll make an expense, and the bank shuts it down because they think that's not where you live. And just like, what you're saying, you could be with someone who knows for a fact, you can afford this. You're good. You budgeted everything.

[Jason]

You haven't been silly when you get.

[Andy]

Told, I'm sorry, your card was declined. Not like, oh, you need to run that again. It didn't go through. But if it said declined, the level of embarrassment is, I can't handle it. And it's like, totally just something that can get fixed. But it's like I.

[Mike]

That's when you. Ryan, you grab the change in the car.

[Andy]

Everyone hates me.

[Mike]

Okay, good pick, Mike. I had spilling a drink on your date. I'm going to follow that up with the end of the date as well. You go in for the kiss and you get the cheek. Turn.

[Andy]

The kiss denied.

[Jason]

Get a handshake.

[Mike]

Yeah, the kiss denied. Pretty embarrassing. Probably not a second date on the way.

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

Okay. Okay.

[Mike]

So, Jason, you've pooped your pants so far.

[Andy]

Yeah, I have. I'm date over. I don't need anything else. All right, so let's see here. I'm gonna say the most embarrassing part. The most embarrassing thing to happen on a date. I'm going to. I'm going to go with this one because it's happened to me recently. Not on a date, but in a way that was so infuriating and unavoidable and long lasting. Uncontrollable hiccups. Oh, words, Mike. You know what I'm talking about.

[Jason]

What I'm talking about.

[Andy]

But you're talking the whole date long. You are hiccuping and you can't stop. You're annoying. You look like a loser. I didn't know hiccups were this severe. You know, it's one of those things. People think you're opting into them if someone is hiccuping for an hour.

[Mike]

Oh, boy.

[Andy]

I mean, it's.

[Jason]

I've done that.

[Andy]

Yeah, I did that recently. And my kids were laughing like crazy because I couldn't. Couldn't stop. And it's like, you wish.

[Jason]

You. You want. You want to just be it. I'm good. I had a great life. But if these hiccups don't stop, it's over. Just please take me away from here.

[Andy]

All right. This one would be, I think, even.

[Mike]

Yeah, your third pick.

[Andy]

Worse. I'm going to accidentally send a text about them.

[Jason]

Oh, to them.

[Andy]

To my bud.

[Mike]

Oh, no.

[Andy]

I accidentally sent a text about them to them.

[Jason]

Like the buddy's like, how's the date going?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And you. She's.

[Andy]

Oh, no, she's not a looker.

[Jason]

That one makes me feel comfortable. Yeah.

[Andy]

I mean, how bad would that. Even if. Even if it was a good text, even if it was like, oh, my date's looking fine tonight, or whatever, I would feel like, oh, shoot, I sent that to you.

[Mike]

That one would be better, though.

[Andy]

Oh, way better. I mean, the other. The other one is. Don't worry, I just pooped my pants. You can leave now.

[Mike]

Okay, that's good. I Will go. I'll go with a classic. But it's something that could happen and your date might not tell you.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

And you find out afterwards, but it's food stuck in your teeth the whole time. Food stuck in your teeth the entire time. Not a good feeling, right? Pretty embarrassing.

[Andy]

Yeah, pretty embarrassing. I thought you were going with something very, very similar, but different. It'll probably get drafted.

[Jason]

Okay, all right. I'm going with an embarrassment that it won't be shared with the date because they just didn't show up.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh. That's a good pick.

[Jason]

You sat at that table.

[Andy]

Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, my God.

[Jason]

Sir, this is for two. You're like, yeah, they're showing up. They're running a little bit lower.

[Mike]

You can grab them a water.

[Jason]

Because I'd be like, it's not between you and the date. It's between you and that waiter. Because eventually that waiter is going to figure out what's going on.

[Andy]

Goodness, that is such a good pick. I didn't even think about.

[Mike]

I know what I would go with. I'd be like. After a while, I just tell the waiter, yeah, she got no fatal car accident for sure.

[Andy]

It's your only out.

[Mike]

That's your only way out.

[Jason]

You wait for the waiter to walk back up and ask if you need anything. Like, hold on, I've got to take this in emergency, right? That's why you.

[Andy]

She's dead.

[Mike]

She's dead. Oh, boy.

[Jason]

You're not at the date.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh. Okay, hold on.

[Jason]

I gotta go.

[Andy]

I gotta order. Looks like I can order now, sir.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh. Getting stood up.

[Jason]

All right. Is the chef special still good?

[Andy]

That's available, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

They won't be done at the scene for a while.

[Jason]

All right, I got that one. And then. I don't know the best way to make this concise, but essentially you laugh at something that wasn't a joke.

[Andy]

Oh, sure. Inappropriate laugh.

[Jason]

They're telling you a story, and you thought it was a. You're like, oh. And they're like, why are you. Why are you laughing? Yeah, like, I didn't tell a joke.

[Andy]

That's embarrassing in all situations. Date or not date. But when you're trying to. When you're on a date, obviously your goal is to impress. Yeah.

[Jason]

Best version of you.

[Mike]

Which is why my fourth pick will not impress. It's a bad trip and fall.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. It's a bad.

[Mike]

You step off the curb, you eat it. It's a st.

[Jason]

I mean, no one good one. No, that's not on my list.

[Mike]

No grown up should be tripping and falling ever. So from the impressing standpoint, and we.

[Jason]

Are at the age of. Yeah, like, have you guys volunteered? You would get pretty hurt recently. Because the only one I could think of is it's still years ago, but, like, chasing kids in a. Like, my kids in the playground and you run and. Yeah, my kids at the playground and you hit the sand and I went down and my knee went right into the ground, and this thing just blew up. I was just bleeding everywhere. Oh, is it Jason Kidd joke?

[Mike]

It just sounded like you said Jason Kidd. Go on, go on.

[Jason]

And so the point being of not only is it incredibly embarrassing, it is very, very painful at this point to fall down.

[Mike]

We shouldn't be falling anymore.

[Andy]

Yeah. But we're going to fall more and more as we.

[Jason]

That's why me and Jay took the physical body.

[Andy]

That's right.

[Mike]

Good point. Good point.

[Andy]

Enjoy your hip.

[Mike]

All right, Jason, you get a final pick. You just accidentally texted your date, but it was meant for a friend. And you have one more embarrassing thing that can happen.

[Andy]

I've got quite a few left on my list here. I'm going to take this one solely because I thought this is what you were going to take when you had something in your teeth. Okay. That's embarrassing because it's like, oh, my gosh, how long? They didn't say anything. What did they think? You know, but it's like, you know, you were eating.

[Jason]

It happens.

[Andy]

It happens. But you want to know what's worse? And then you think, like, what did they think? Yeah, because my zipper was down. Oh, my zipper was down. That whole date.

[Jason]

I had a different answer.

[Andy]

What was yours?

[Jason]

I thought you were going bad breath.

[Andy]

Oh, that's good, too. But you don't know. You don't know. When you get home, you never.

[Jason]

You. You find out.

[Mike]

I mean, I think people have bad breath for generations because they don't find.

[Andy]

Out, and they don't find out. So that's no way to tell somebody but your zipper. You get home or whatever, and you're like, oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. I had my zipper down the whole page.

[Mike]

Good. That's a good pick. My honorable mentions here. I had wet yourself, which pales in comparison to poop yourself.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Because I could spill. I can. I can fix that situation.

[Mike]

I think if you hit your date with the door, like you were supposed to open the door for him, but you just let it slam on him. Throwing up, choking on your food.

[Jason]

Oh, choking.

[Mike]

The combo Bad body odor for getting deodorant.

[Andy]

Oh, forgetting, which is like, the bad breath.

[Mike]

It's also. You'd be aware of that one.

[Andy]

And you'd be like, if I'm on the way and I forgot by Walgreens.

[Jason]

I didn't. I didn't order onions.

[Mike]

What's going on here?

[Andy]

Yeah, if I. If I forgot deodorant and I was on the way to the date, that date would be stood up. I would not show up.

[Mike]

That would be embarrassing.

[Andy]

So I had loud fart, you know, But I already pooped my pants.

[Mike]

Right, right. That fart was before that.

[Andy]

You had rip your pants. You know, getting out of the car. Malfunction. Wardrobe malfunction. I had your parents have to drive you. I mean. Oh, we should have said breathalyzer. Oh, that's a good one. Pick her up with a breathalyzer. You have to breathe into the machine.

[Mike]

To start your car.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

As your first impression.

[Andy]

And then I had getting turned away for being underdressed. Like, you show up to the restaurant, and it's like, sir, no flip flops.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, good ones. I had left. I mean, asking the same question multiple times. So I go, I'm not listening to anything you're saying. And I knocked the food out of the waiter's hand, which is too similar to the spill.

[Mike]

Yeah, I had a. I mean, this is just barely related. I was at a restaurant last night. I'm sitting by myself. I'm waiting for my son, his practice to get over, and I was finishing with a cup of coffee. I'm a normal person. I should be able to drink a cup of coffee. I'm alone in a booth. There's lots of people in the restaurant, and I just. The end of the cup of coffee. I just dropped the cup of coffee onto the little plate. So it's super loud. The coffee splashes. I now have coffee crotch.

[Andy]

Nice.

[Mike]

In the restaurant. And I'm just like. I couldn't have felt more. I didn't even have a date there. And I was like, I don't know how to live life.

[Andy]

All right, what did we learn today?

[Mike]

I could speak for all of us if you want.

[Andy]

Yeah. Turn on those.

[Mike]

Turn off those.

[Andy]

Read receipts.

[Jason]

Turn off those.

[Mike]

Read receipts.

[Andy]

Indeed. The most important piece of advice.

[Mike]

Live free.

[Andy]

You free.

[Mike]

Heard today. Also, throw your phone in the trash. Disconnect.

[Andy]

Live in the woods.

[Jason]

Check your breath.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Goodbye.

[Andy]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to. Check out spitballers pod.com.

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[Mike]

What are you doing in a meeting?

[Andy]

That could have been an email.

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