Secret Family Recipes & Embarrassing Things That Can Happen on a Date - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode 322: Secret Family Recipes & Embarrassing Things That Can Happen on a Date – Spit Hits!
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason
Date: January 8, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode features the award-winning trio of Andy, Mike, and Jason as they tackle ridiculous hypotheticals, dish out “life advice you should never, ever take,” and draft the most embarrassing things that can happen on a date. The vibe is lighthearted, dad joke-filled, and rooted in relatable life moments, drawn from their own dad lives and collective sense of playful banter. The Spitballers focus on delivering “clean, actually funny” comedy that’s truly for the whole family.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Scat Opening & Revenge (01:07–03:02)

• The episode opens with playful chaos surrounding the traditional “scat” intro.
• Andy and Jason pull a prank involving altering Jason’s scat voice to sound like Alvin the Chipmunk, leading to running jokes about “revenge” and confusion.
• Memorable exchange:
  • Andy (02:20): “He muted me mid-scat… I gotta get him back.”
  • Jason (03:02): “Revenge is a dish best served warm and nice. I heated that up for you.”

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Would You Rather (03:15–22:27)

Telekinesis vs. an Eternal Pet (03:15–09:43)

• Listeners ask: Would you rather have two minutes of telekinesis a day (max 250 lbs), or a magical, never-dying pet?
  • The group debates practical uses for daily, brief telekinesis (“getting a towel after a shower,” “fixing a golf shot,” "swishing basketballs"), but most agree an eternal pet is cooler.
  • Jason (06:34): “There’s something nice about those different periods of the new pet as well.”
  • Mike (09:42): “I will take the dog.”
• Consensus: Most pick the never-dying pet for sentimental reasons.

Mind Aging vs. Body Aging (09:55–13:28)

• Would you rather have your brain age but your body stay young, or your body age but your mind stay young?
  • Andy argues for keeping his mind sharp; Jason counters that the body deteriorates faster and would prefer a young body.
  • Jason (12:09): “AI is going to do all my thinking for me. So give me that body.”

Instantly Becoming Attractive vs. Changing Beauty Standards (13:28–17:01)

• Would you rather snap your fingers to become “society’s standard” of beauty or have society’s standards match how you already look?
  • Mike jokes: “Do you want to be hot, or do you want everyone as ugly as Jason?” (13:53)
  • They discuss self-perception and confidence, generally landing on wanting to look like their ideal, not just changing others’ opinions.
  • Jason (16:36): “If I snap my fingers and I do look like…the ideal version, I’ll feel great immediately and everyone thinks I look good.”

Chain-Smoking Neighbor vs. Lingering Farts (17:04–23:33)

• Would you rather sit next to a chain-smoker or endure a cloud of lingering farts at a sporting event?
  • The comedians dig into the health implications (“Do farts cause lung cancer?”), the differences in after-smell, and the horror of each scenario.
  • Jason (19:08): “He choked on a fart.”
  • Mike and Jason share real-life airplane and cigarette stories.
  • The trio splits: Mike takes cigarettes, Andy/Jason take the farts for the story value, not the experience.

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Life Advice (26:02–44:10)

Do You Wash Socks Inside Out? (26:23–30:29)

• Listener marital dispute: Should socks be washed inside out?
  • Jason’s answer is simple: “No, it don’t matter.” (26:46)
  • They explore laundry quirks and sock-drawer philosophies.
  • Andy (28:11): “I just throw them unpaired. They’re all the same socks.”
  • The consensus: Don’t waste energy flipping socks unless absolutely necessary.

When Spouse DIY Goes Wrong (32:23–36:42)

• What should you do when your spouse’s “rustic” homemade furniture is kind of a disaster?
  • They recommend gentle honesty and letting people pursue hobbies (“He will get better.”), but also suggest phased displacement ("would look great in storage!").
  • Andy (33:28): “You got to live with the result.”
  • Mike recommends: “Say, ‘Hey, you’ve gotten so much better—maybe try this table again.’”

Faking a Family Recipe with Store-Bought Dressing (37:07–39:39)

• A listener is busted after passing store-bought dressing as homemade.
  • The team unanimously agrees: Don’t fess up, just say “it’s a family secret.”
  • Jason (38:26): “You can’t replicate store-bought dressing at home. You literally don’t have the equipment.”

Opting Out of Group Texts (39:43–44:10)

• Listener overwhelmed by incessant family group texts—how to bow out?
  • They joke about “group text etiquette,” reacting to every text, and the social pressure of digital life.
  • Notable quote:
    • Mike (41:17, quoting a legendary dad text): “I can’t keep up with the pressure of always having to LOL or like or heart everyone’s random thoughts...I can’t live with this pressure. I’m out.”
  • Life advice takeaway (44:10): “Turn your read receipts off. Live free.” (Jason, echoed by all)

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The Spitballers Draft: Most Embarrassing Things That Can Happen on a Date (45:25–60:12)

Each host drafts embarrassing date scenarios with full comedic flair:

Jason’s Picks:

1. Pooping your pants — “There’s nothing worse than that. You just pooped your pants.” (45:39)
2. Uncontrollable hiccups — recently experienced; “You look like a loser.” (52:27)
3. Accidentally sending a text about your date…to your date (53:05)
4. Zipper down — “Oh no. I had my zipper down the whole time.” (57:37)

Andy’s Picks:

1. Spilling a drink on your date — “You have done something… to your date, and you have now put them in a position where they—what are they supposed to do if they’re covered in a drink?” (47:12)
2. Going in for a kiss, getting the cheek turn (51:23)
3. Food stuck in your teeth — “You find out afterwards…” (53:52)
4. Tripping and falling — “No grown-up should be tripping and falling ever.” (55:59)

Mike’s Picks:

1. Forgetting your date’s name (48:01)
2. Credit card declined when paying for the meal — “That is the most embarrassing thing.” (50:12)
3. Getting stood up (date never shows up) (54:20)
4. Laughing at something that wasn’t a joke (55:33)

Notable/Runner-Up Embarrassments:

• Calling your date the wrong name (especially an ex’s)
• Loud fart
• Throwing up or choking on dinner
• Bad breath/body odor
• Wardrobe malfunction (e.g., ripped pants)
• Forgetting deodorant
• Needing a designated driver (breathalyzer in car)
• Being driven by your parents to the date

Funniest Draft Moment:

• The group riffs on what to tell the waiter if stood up:
  • Andy (54:49): “Yeah, she got in a fatal car accident, for sure. That’s your only way out.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Andy (03:02): “Revenge is a dish best served warm and nice. I heated that up for you.”
• Jason (06:34): “There’s something nice about those different periods of the new pet as well.”
• Mike (13:53): "Do you want to be hot, or do you want everyone as ugly as Jason?”
• Jason (19:08): “He choked on a fart.”
• Jason (26:46): “No, it don’t matter.” (On sock-washing)
• Mike (41:17, quoting a viral text): “I can’t keep up with the pressure of always having to LOL or like or heart everyone’s random thoughts…”
• Jason (44:10): “Turn your read receipts off. Live free.”
• Jason (45:39): “There’s nothing worse than that. You just pooped your pants.”
• Andy (47:12): “…You have now put them in a position where they—what are they supposed to do if they’re covered in a drink?”
• Mike (50:12): “That is the most embarrassing thing.” (On credit card decline)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Scat intro & opening banter: 01:07–03:02
• Would You Rather segment: 03:15–23:33
• Life Advice Q&A: 26:02–44:10
• Embarrassing Date Draft: 45:25–60:12

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Episode Takeaways

• Don’t overthink chores like laundry—some things just don’t matter (like sock orientation).
• If your spouse is bad at DIY, nudge them gently to improve—don’t kill a new hobby.
• Sometimes, little white lies like “it’s a family secret” can save major face.
• Family group texts are overwhelming—the pressure to react is real. Set digital boundaries (“Turn off those read receipts. Live free.”)
• On dates, you can recover from most embarrassments — but pooping your pants is truly the 101 of date-ending calamities.

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Overall Tone and Style

The Spitballers treat even the silliest topics with camaraderie, improvisational humor, and the everyday wisdom of three dads who don’t take themselves too seriously. The show remains accessible and genuinely funny, making it easy listening for anyone who enjoys playful banter on relatable life situations.

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For more laughs and nonsense, visit SpitballersPod.com.

Transcript

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[Jason]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Yes. Oh, yes. Okay. Got him. You got me. Got him back, baby.

[Mike]

I was not a part of this plan.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And I was like, what is this sound that Jason is somehow able to make? I have never heard a human anything like this.

[Jason]

That might have been my best scat. And it was because it wasn't solely my voice. Now, that was me, apparently your owl. You're putting an Alvin filter on me or something. Is this what happened? Yes, sir. Oh, gotcha. Okay. Oh, I see. I see what you're doing.

[Andy]

We on the drive in, I was like, you know, this man stole two scats from the. So let's steal another one from the history of the show. No, that's payback.

[Jason]

Yeah, I get it. A little punishment.

[Andy]

He muted me mid scat or before I scatted. I gotta get him back.

[Mike]

Is that a get back?

[Andy]

It's a get back.

[Jason]

I think it was an who hates doing the scat.

[Mike]

You basically made it.

[Andy]

So I bailed him out.

[Mike]

You didn't have to do anything.

[Jason]

I did feel very bailed out. That was awesome.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Get me again.

[Mike]

I don't know if you know what revenge is.

[Andy]

Why? Look, I didn't want to tell you.

[Mike]

$100 in your face. Got you so good.

[Andy]

Look, it's about the show. It's about this spit wads. We want entertainment. All right. Welcome to episode 322. We've got. Would you rather life advice? And we're drafting the most embarrassing things that can happen on a date.

[Jason]

Revenge is a dish best served warm and nice. I heated that up for you.

[Andy]

He's like, can I do the Alvin voice every scat?

[Jason]

Yeah, that would be awesome.

[Andy]

Yeah. It'll be a good show today. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for supporting. Thank you for sending in your ideas for Would you rather. And life advice. And that's a great question. And your draft ideas are always welcome. Al Borland appreciates those very much. At Spitballers Pod on X. You can send those in. Let's get it going. Would you rather Jason, Mike, JD from Patreon writes in. Would you rather get telekinesis for two minutes every day? Which is what? Reading minds, right?

[Mike]

No, controlling stuff.

[Jason]

No, the moving stuff with your mind.

[Andy]

Oh, I'm glad I asked.

[Jason]

That's telekinesis, Kyle.

[Andy]

That would let me. That would let me mind. Bullets move things.

[Jason]

Yeah. Yes.

[Mike]

You're thinking of telepathy.

[Andy]

Yes. Two minutes every day. We could move stuff with our minds or be given one time access to a magical pet store where whatever pet you pick out and bring home will never die.

[Jason]

So these things are very related.

[Andy]

They're not. Yeah, I was gonna say. I mean, These are real. JD's got an imagination.

[Jason]

Would you rather have spaghetti or go to Hawaii? What?

[Mike]

For the sake of the conversation and the question, how powerful is my telekinesis? Oh, it's an important question.

[Andy]

Complete.

[Jason]

Complete. Like I can lift a building up out of the ground from the foundations. I can grab the moon.

[Mike]

It matters.

[Jason]

I was gonna say 250 pounds. I don't know what that means. 250 pounds. Oh, okay, 250 pounds. So I can't lift a car?

[Andy]

No, I can't lift Al.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Yes. Boom shakalaka. Oh, get wrecked. Oh, man.

[Mike]

See, that's revenge, dude.

[Jason]

Yeah, there you go. That's cold. That's cold blooded.

[Mike]

You something to make someone else feel really bad.

[Jason]

Yeah. Ow. Ow. How did that feel?

[Mike]

Accurate.

[Jason]

Oh. Oh, no. That's why. Oh, man. The best part of this is I really think Andy feels very bad right now. He's so upset that he did it. But can I tell you something, Andy? This is a good joke. That's a good joke.

[Mike]

Oh, my goodness.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

Oh, you're muted.

[Jason]

He muted me. Oh, you should shoot me.

[Andy]

That's what he should do.

[Jason]

Oh, good. I'm so sorry. Oh, those were Jason jokes a while back.

[Mike]

Yeah. I mean, you're really ruining a lot of our material here with your. Your thin.

[Jason]

I could still be the fat guy.

[Mike]

No, you can't.

[Jason]

I mean, me and Jason talked yesterday. We were within a pound of each other.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

But Jason, to be clear, can I.

[Andy]

Use telekinesis on either of you?

[Jason]

Barely. Okay.

[Andy]

Okay. Good. All right. It's hot in here, man.

[Mike]

Okay. 250 pound limit, two minutes a day.

[Jason]

What? No.

[Mike]

I get a dog that never dies.

[Andy]

See, I was going to ask you the eternal. The eternal pet. Is that that cool?

[Jason]

Yes. I don't know if it is that cool because I don't want.

[Andy]

I don't want my dog.

[Jason]

I don't want my pet to die. No, but I wait until then to get another pet. You know what I mean? Like, I've had over my life. You think, like, I've had a new pet is cool? I've had Barkley, I've had Rocky. I've had these different dogs.

[Andy]

They're all dead.

[Jason]

They are. Well, not Rocky, but the rest are dead. And that sucks. That was a tragic, awful time. But there is something nice about those different periods of the new pet as well. Interesting.

[Mike]

Is that how you think about your wife, too?

[Jason]

I mean, you know, we're.

[Mike]

I need a new period, a new moment in my life.

[Jason]

Change can be good.

[Mike]

Not with your dog. No way. My dog lives forever.

[Andy]

An eternal dog would be very cool. But let's not. Two minutes a day of telekinesis. Does this mean that I. To be clear, is it a two minute window or do I get two total minutes of movement? So, like, I could use five seconds.

[Mike]

I'm giving you the timer. That is. As you use it, it dwindles down my lifestyle.

[Andy]

What are the practical uses of this? That's why I'm saying I could get like a soda out of the fridge.

[Jason]

And bring it to me. That's right. Without getting up.

[Andy]

Without getting up.

[Jason]

But that's probably 10 seconds you use.

[Andy]

If I get out of the pool, I could bring the towel to me real quick.

[Jason]

Actually, the shower, when you forget the towel, that's legit. That's fully.

[Andy]

So this is good for the few times you forget the towel.

[Jason]

That is good. Or the toilet paper.

[Andy]

Or when you lose your. What do you mean? Oh, when you lose your.

[Jason]

If you're out of toilet paper, you sat down and you're like, oh, shoot, I didn't grab a new roll.

[Andy]

I thought you were sitting right next to the toilet paper. You put your hand out and you just bring it over like a foot.

[Mike]

How are you gonna get it? Like, if you can't see it?

[Jason]

You have to be able to visually see. Yeah, you can if it's close enough. Yeah, I can get. Now if the door's shut. Oh, shoot. I can open the door. I can move that handle.

[Mike]

Can we roll over the time? Like, can I store up or. 2 minutes maximum?

[Jason]

2 minutes maximum.

[Andy]

Because you were, like, trying to stay up for one full day of telekinesis.

[Mike]

I'm trying to figure out, okay, let's.

[Jason]

Say you had one full day of telekinesis, why is that any better? What are you doing with that?

[Andy]

Well, if I can. If I stay under 250, weight wise, I can I lift myself and do I have to walk anymore?

[Mike]

That's a gray area.

[Andy]

Is it because it's my own self that's using the.

[Jason]

Yeah, physics still matter here. I think that the only advantageous thing I can see, like, if I were to, like, I could be the best basketball player of all time. I'm swishing every shot because as soon.

[Andy]

As you notice, you're going to miss, which is often, you just correct.

[Jason]

Yeah, never. Because I correct.

[Mike]

But it would be like you can get the ball exactly where it needs to be. So it would only take you maybe a second.

[Jason]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mike]

Of your.

[Andy]

Of your time, people probably wouldn't notice that you're using telekinesis on your shots. No, because you're going to get them close enough and they'll be like, why did it kind of turn a little bit there?

[Jason]

Right? He always somehow.

[Andy]

Golf. You'd be real good at golf.

[Jason]

Real good.

[Andy]

Yeah, like the best.

[Mike]

Well, I don't even know. You haven't seen my slice, brother.

[Jason]

Okay, not enough telekinesis.

[Andy]

Full two minutes to get it all the way from where you're hitting it.

[Mike]

That's hole one. I will take the dog.

[Jason]

Yeah, we're going to take the dog.

[Andy]

Yes. Forever. Noah from the website. I'm still sweaty. Would you rather have your brain continue to age normally but your body doesn't age? Or your body continues to age normally but your brain doesn't age?

[Jason]

This is philosophical.

[Andy]

Either way, your lifespan is the same. I don't want to lose my brain. I really don't. I already feel like I am. And, you know, I don't need to be able to go out and run a marathon, but if I can communicate with the people I care about, I think that's the way I'd go.

[Jason]

I see what you're saying. Obviously, if you lose Your brain, your body is irrelevant. But this is having your brain continue to age normally. And I think that the brain ages better than the body. I think that if I had a 70 year old brain with a 30 year old body, that would be far superior. Like I think 70 year old is not, you know, we're not saying you.

[Andy]

Don'T gain wisdom though, right? Correct. You're just like impact on memory, mental acuity.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

Your cognitive learning.

[Jason]

My father is 74 and he's, I don't feel like his mind is anywhere.

[Andy]

You know, you could get lucky but I know, I mean my, my dad is 71, his body's in, he can't remember anything. His body's in really good shape. For 71.

[Mike]

For 70.

[Andy]

For 70.

[Mike]

But that's not a 20 something year old body.

[Andy]

No, I'm just saying like which gamble is the worst gamble? Because I know a lot of people that when they get older, their brains, their minds, it just naturally goes a bad direction.

[Jason]

But if I compare, like if you got room full of.

[Andy]

You're saying bodies versus brains.

[Jason]

Yes. If you got a room full of three 30 year olds and a room versus a room full of 70 year olds, the room is full of just those two people. They're all 30 and they're all 70. And you say, okay, what's eight times six? What's, you know, you ask a bunch of intelligent questions. I don't think the gap between eight times six, you know, real brain busters. I'm just saying if you ask cottage cheese, you know.

[Andy]

No, I don't agree with you because look at your brain, right? Technology, you love technology, it changes all the time. You hit an age with your brain, it's over. You're not learning the new stuff. You're not.

[Jason]

I mean honestly, if you want to bring technology, I was going to leave that off, but technology is going to make our brains very irrelevant. AI is going to do all my thinking for me already is. So give me that body. Okay. Now you tell that room and you say, okay guys, I'd like 10 push ups please. And you got 30. You got the 30 year olds going down, going 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

[Andy]

You're right about that.

[Jason]

10. And then you got the 70 year olds going, I broke my hip, I just tried to get to the ground, I broke my hip.

[Andy]

But that implies, that implies 10 pushups is more valuable than.

[Jason]

I'm not saying that the body is more valuable than the brain. I'm saying that the gap is so much bigger between body and body.

[Mike]

Wears down faster than your brain.

[Andy]

I want the brain. I want the brain. I don't want the risk of not having my brain there. I agree that the no body with a brain. Okay. I still like my life.

[Jason]

Sure.

[Mike]

I'm with you.

[Andy]

No brain with the body. I do not the risk because it's.

[Mike]

Like, I mean, you know, Alzheimer's and that stuff is like, that's. That is something that I don't wish upon anybody. So you prevent. In this scenario, you're preventing from that risk. But I think that I'm with Jason. I'm going to take the. I'm going to take the physical body.

[Andy]

Madison from X. Would you rather snap your fingers and have your appearance transform to something that closely aligns with society's standards for aesthetics and beauty? Glad Madison is. Lots of words there.

[Jason]

Or say you look good.

[Andy]

Yeah. Or snap your fingers and you have society's standards for aesthetics, beauty transform to something that closely aligns with your current appearance.

[Mike]

So do you want to be hot or do you want everyone as ugly as Jason?

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

I don't think that's the summary. I think the summary would be that everybody doesn't change. It's their opinion. Their opinion becomes that what you look like.

[Mike]

Oh, standards.

[Andy]

Yeah, the opinion of like, everyone. Like, you snap your fingers and Jason is the ideal man.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

And so he is already fitting that.

[Jason]

Yeah, I already am.

[Andy]

So this is a really impossible question because in our, in our brains, we know what we think those standards are.

[Mike]

This is like the episode of the Twilight Zone where they take the bandages off the gal's face and she's just. She's like a Hollywood actress and everyone's.

[Jason]

Like, oh, you're hideous.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And then the big twist is everyone looks like a pig face. Right.

[Jason]

I have not seen that episode.

[Andy]

Sounds wild in the kind of analogy there. You'd be the pig face in this situation.

[Jason]

Yeah, I'd be the pig face.

[Mike]

But your face is like a pig.

[Andy]

And people like it.

[Jason]

Oh, people like the pig face.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

You live in a world of pig faces.

[Jason]

I mean, if people like pig faces, I want to be a pig face.

[Andy]

Right.

[Mike]

Like if you snap your face.

[Andy]

Good example, Al. That's a good point. Yeah. If you snap your fingers, you could look like Brad Pitt. Or you could snap your fingers and Brad Pitt now wants to look like you.

[Jason]

Well, that's easy. I want to look like Brad Pitt.

[Andy]

But that's because you think that Brad Pitt looks like the best looking man.

[Jason]

It's because Brad Pitt is healthier than me. It's because if I can.

[Mike]

No, no, you don't. You don't change. It's people's opinion of you change.

[Jason]

No, no, no. One of them is I change to look like Brad Pitt. Right? Correct. So that one. I. That's a different question.

[Andy]

That's because you respect the way Brad Pitt looks.

[Jason]

No, I'm just saying objectively, like, even outside of abdominal fat is bad. This is just aesthetics. This is not health or long term.

[Andy]

This is a mock. This question's a mind job. Because the answer is, truly, I want to snap my fingers and look like something I think is good looking.

[Mike]

So I feel like if I snap my fingers, nothing changes.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

No, no, no.

[Mike]

Yeah, all right.

[Jason]

No, I see what you're saying, Eddie. So the.

[Andy]

Can I move you with my mind?

[Jason]

The answer really should be that you want to snap your fingers and look like who you think is attractive. That is the answer for everybody. That's the real answer. Because alternatively, if it's all from your own vantage point and your own opinions, and so if you snap your fingers, it's nice that everyone else would think. Think that you are the ideal attraction, but you wouldn't.

[Andy]

But if you don't, you won't feel good.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. It will change over time. Like if everybody thinks you're attractive, you will start having self confidence and all of those things. But one happens immediately. You don't have to work out. But one happens immediately. If I snap my fingers and I do look like, you know, the ideal version, I'll feel great immediately and everyone thinks I look good. So.

[Andy]

Right.

[Jason]

I picked that one. Yeah, for sure.

[Andy]

Okay, we got time for one more.

[Jason]

Yeah, let's do one more.

[Andy]

Ethan from Patreon, you are at an outside sporting event. Would you rather have the person next to you chain smoking cigarettes? Doesn't sound great. Or continuously ripping extremely ripe, lingering farts.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

Extremely ripe.

[Andy]

Question.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Can farts cause lung cancer?

[Jason]

Ooh, that is one for AI. I'm on it.

[Andy]

I bet, like, if you're exposed to them at that, that. I mean, like, let me for a day.

[Mike]

No, you're gonna be fine.

[Andy]

Yeah, but thought experiment here. Cigarettes replace what's going into your body with fart.

[Mike]

I think it's.

[Andy]

There's. Would you get cancer fart?

[Mike]

There's chemicals that we send out that are really bad.

[Jason]

No, we're good here. Farts cannot cause lung cancer. It's made up of gases like nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide. Are there methane in there? There's a little methane, small amounts of sulfur.

[Andy]

I Want to smoke sulfur.

[Jason]

Right. But they're small amounts.

[Mike]

But these aren't small amounts. These are continuous, extremely ripe, lingering.

[Jason]

What is.

[Mike]

These are heavy. They sit in the air like a cloud.

[Andy]

If you sit in a cloud of farts, do you. When you leave there? Because if I'm next to the cigarette smoker, I leave, I'm gonna smell like cigarettes all day.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

My clothes.

[Mike]

You will smell like farts.

[Andy]

You will. That's the question.

[Mike]

If you're sitting in.

[Andy]

If you're sitting in. The farts are permanent.

[Jason]

They will permeate.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's getting in that shirt.

[Andy]

Your shirt. How long, though? Like, eight hours goes by, I'm gonna smell like cigarettes. You're telling me I take my shirt off at the end of the day and I smell it. It smells like the farts of the morning?

[Mike]

I think so.

[Jason]

All right, I got an update here.

[Mike]

I think so.

[Jason]

Oh, what if it was extreme amounts and a constant cloud of farts that never leave? Okay. And now this is a game changer. But says not lung cancer. Still, oxygen deprivation is the big immediate death. Yeah. You might die from farts. Like now.

[Mike]

He choked on a fart.

[Jason]

So I've got personal experience with both of these recently.

[Andy]

He does both at the same time. I.

[Jason]

So really? Yes.

[Mike]

I'm more. I'm more.

[Andy]

I hope this is an airplane or something.

[Jason]

This was an airplane. So we just.

[Mike]

I'm more surprised about the.

[Jason]

The cigarettes.

[Mike]

The cigarettes. So, like, where.

[Jason]

I know.

[Mike]

Where are you? Around that.

[Jason]

Where am I Around cigarettes. Every day here, after I eat lunch, I take two laps. I take two laps around the building.

[Andy]

Okay, your fart laps.

[Jason]

I am outside in the open air, and there is a person who is every day taking a smoke break. The same person every day, no matter what.

[Andy]

Right.

[Jason]

That person just sits down and smokes behind one of the buildings. I can't. I really, like. I'm not around it a lot. I don't. I can't believe I'm outside and I walk 15ft away from this person.

[Mike]

Yeah, all the way away.

[Jason]

And I'm like. I have to hold my breath because I'm, like, straight smoking a cigarette.

[Andy]

So you're kind of going. Just to be clear, you're kind of going on a smoke break every day at lunch.

[Jason]

Yeah. For health, you know, trying to make sure. Trying to make sure I stay healthy, get my legs moving, and suck in that tobacco. I didn't realize you were having doing.

[Andy]

You should bring a mask that you put on 30ft away.

[Jason]

Yeah, just put it on. Wait till they look at me walk.

[Andy]

Through, take the mask off, Store up your farts.

[Jason]

Oh, fight fire with fire.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Nice. I like that. I thankfully always have my farts stored up, and I am ready at any moment.

[Andy]

It's frightening.

[Jason]

But also, we just flew to Chicago, and I thought I was going to make that whole plane flight. You didn't make a statement yet, but right at the end, man, someone.

[Andy]

Oh, you.

[Jason]

No, not me. I do not fart on planes. Now you're a man.

[Andy]

I will say this.

[Jason]

I am a man of principle. That you don't. You don't make a hundred other people recirculate your insights like, don't do it, people. I will say this. If I'm on a plane, I will. Sometimes, if I really need. I'll give a little test.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'll give a little.

[Jason]

All right.

[Andy]

To see if you're packing smell.

[Jason]

See if I'm packing heat, you know, or just wind. Wind is fine. Okay.

[Mike]

But if earth.

[Jason]

Yeah, if it's earth, then. Then you just. You got to suck it up, and you don't do it. You can walk to the bathroom and fart in air if you got to do it, of course. But someone did not abide by my rules, and that was nasty. There was an egg fart. You know what I mean? That was one of them.

[Mike]

Where it's, like, may not have had control. If it's that bad.

[Jason]

Yeah, they didn't.

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Andy]

Don't let them off the hook.

[Jason]

I'm still gonna take the farts over the cigarettes.

[Andy]

I think so, too.

[Mike]

I think I'm taking the cigarette. Cigarettes.

[Andy]

What's a better story? It's a funny story.

[Mike]

To know the farts is the way better story.

[Andy]

Oh, man. I was stuck in a bunch of farts for a little while.

[Mike]

Oh, dude. Other people's farts.

[Jason]

Other people's farts. I can smell then when I have an egg fart myself.

[Mike]

You know what I mean?

[Jason]

Like, I'm like, whoa, that is insane. Let me see that again. But if I smell even a mildly bad fart from someone else, it's so weird, I want to vomit.

[Andy]

It's so weird how that works.

[Mike]

And it's like, I could. Cigarettes. I don't want to be around it, but I'll. I know what it is.

[Andy]

So wind.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

You know wind and not earth.

[Jason]

No, Jeremy, you used wind, and then you used to smoke many decades ago, right? I'm curious. I would imagine when you smoked, you did not in any way, shape or form mind the smell of Smoke, right? Yeah, for the most part. I mean, you're a smoker, so in.

[Mike]

These situations, you don't notice it if.

[Jason]

You'Re always around a smoker. I'm not advocating to take up smoking, but you could. You could become a smoker. And now I don't care. You can't become a farter and then be like, I'm cool with your farts, man. Interesting.

[Andy]

Interesting.

[Jason]

So, like, you have an avenue here to be totally okay outside of cancer that just by, like, smoking.

[Mike]

This is blowing me away.

[Andy]

Literally.

[Mike]

Just take it. Just take up the habit.

[Jason]

I'm just saying you're having it.

[Mike]

It's one day.

[Andy]

You're outside sporting event when you're smoking cigarette.

[Jason]

I forgot the principle. It's just one day.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Oh, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna become a smoker for a day. Don't smoke, kids.

[Andy]

Did you ever smoke, Mike?

[Mike]

I did not growing up.

[Andy]

Did you, Jay?

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

No. Yeah. None of us.

[Jason]

No. And we are alive. Coincidence, right?

[Andy]

I did take up farting, though. All right, we'll take a break. Back with some. This episode is supported by Prizepix. Whether you're starting a new routine or making player picks for the first time, trying something new can be hard. But in life and on Prizepix, it always feels good to be right. And guess what? Just found out about this. Prizepix now has early payouts if your player gets off to a hot start. You now have the option to cash out those winnings before the game even finishes. And they added a new social feature, little social feeds feature that you can share your prize picks with your friends and copy lineups from winners with a single click. We do this around the office, and the only thing that I'm going to make you promise me is that you won't be friends with Al Borland. That's all you've got to do. You got to make sure about that. How simple was it for me to get started on Prizepix? As simple as it gets. We come from the app development space. Their app is perfect. It's simple, it's easy to use. It makes the sport watching experience better. Download the Prize Picks app today and use the code spitballers to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's the code spitballers to get $50 in Lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. It's good to be right. What's up, spitwads? People keep asking about my 2026 resolutions, and I've got the usual goals, you know, like read, read a bunch of books, you know, that type of thing. Keep yourself in shape. But I got a new one at the top of my list. It is get comfy. And that is where Bombas comes in. They're bringing serious comfort to all of your everyday go tos. Maybe this is the year you take up running or tennis or in my case, play more pickleball. And I've been wearing the all new Bombus sport socks and they are perfect and they are perfectly comfortable. They're sweat wicking and cushioned where you need them most. They keep you comfy and locked in and they've also got you covered with the comfiest everyday footwear imaginable. Look, I love all of my Bombas products. All of my socks. So comfortable. An actual noticeable difference. And they've got the Sunday slippers. They got all sorts of great stuff. Head over to bombas.com spitballers and use the code spitballers for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O M B A S.com spitballers code spitballers at checkout. You're going to love it.

[Jason]

Spitballers to the rescue.

[Andy]

Well, we, we take a moment every once in a while to really dish out some important life advice to make an impact on your life. We things like taking up smoking, you know.

[Mike]

You know, to get rid of the smell.

[Andy]

Wait a minute.

[Jason]

If you smell smoke, just light up.

[Andy]

This is the real name.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's pure irony.

[Andy]

But yes, the first question in life advice is from a Patreon supporter named not smoke.

[Mike]

Good for you.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Hey fellas. Marital dispute that needs settling. And I know you guys won't steer us wrong.

[Jason]

You're darn right.

[Andy]

We're all still married. Simple question. Should socks be washed inside out or not?

[Jason]

I mean, simple answer. It's a real genuinely simple answer. No, it don't matter.

[Mike]

Oh, it was not a yes or no question.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Should they be washed inside out? Oh, no. Or not. You're right. Yeah. So yeah, I read it wrong.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

I don't try to do one of them, but I imagine the best thing for the sock would be inside out where the feetsies were.

[Mike]

Yeah, I don't think that it matters.

[Jason]

I can't fathom that it makes any ounce of difference.

[Andy]

Here's where it may make some sort of difference. If there was anything inside the sock.

[Jason]

Like if it was filled with mayonnaise.

[Andy]

Well. Or like something that couldn't permeate.

[Jason]

I don't even know What?

[Andy]

That would be something between your toes.

[Jason]

Something between my toes? Is my foot on. I mean, you take a sock off. You take the sock off and you put it in. Half the time when you put.

[Andy]

I've never thought about this before.

[Jason]

Half the time when you put clothes in one way, I feel like it comes out inside out anyways. It makes. So do you fold your socks?

[Andy]

Do you put them in pairs?

[Mike]

No, I do.

[Jason]

I do not. But I don't just clump them. I take my socks out and then I, like, give them a nice little tug, stretch them out and lay them in a flat line. And then I have a flat layer of socks. I just grab two socks at a time. It's great.

[Andy]

See, I just throw them unpaired. They're all the same socks.

[Mike]

Oh, you what?

[Andy]

I just throw them into a drawer, then I just grab two out of the drawer. What's the big deal with that? Wait, you're shaking your head over there.

[Mike]

Type A.

[Andy]

That's crazy.

[Mike]

That is Lives with an unorganized drawer closed.

[Andy]

I don't look at it.

[Jason]

Yeah, but. No, I get what. I get what he's freaking out about now. It's not that. That is a weird thing to do. No, it is that. That is a weird thing for you to do.

[Andy]

I'm not ocd.

[Mike]

No, that's not ocd. It's.

[Jason]

But you're.

[Mike]

But you want things. Your Type A, you want it organized. I guess you.

[Andy]

I'm more impatient than your desktop has. Oh, yeah, my desktop has over a million icons. All right.

[Mike]

Okay. Now, the check sock drawer checks out.

[Andy]

My form of type A is. Can I. Efficiency. Yeah, it's. Can I delete it from my brain and not think about it?

[Mike]

I think there could be something to. If it's inside out, maybe it's washed slightly better. But then I add all the time of. I have to.

[Andy]

Right.

[Jason]

Slide them in.

[Mike]

Yes, yes. And that is fundamentally so obnoxious.

[Andy]

If this was something I was putting on a part of my body that I cared more about being clean all the time.

[Mike]

So, like, I would think about pants.

[Andy]

I mean, my feet. I don't care if it's perfectly clean. Sock.

[Jason]

You're saying if people wore face socks, you might care? I mean, it's not a. I'm like, what part of your body do you care more about, if not underwear?

[Mike]

Yeah, I mean, the hot zones. You got the pits, you got the underpants, then you got your feet.

[Andy]

My feet just feel more, like, immune from. You know, they got thick skin. They're way down there, you know, they're very like. Like nobody's, like, around my feet all the time.

[Mike]

It's the outcast of your body. So far away.

[Jason]

They're made to get dirty.

[Andy]

They're calloused up. I run on them.

[Mike]

It's the farthest thing from your brain. You don't care about my feet.

[Andy]

Thank you. You got on board quickly.

[Jason]

Genuinely. If you are taking the time to take your socks and turn them inside.

[Andy]

Out, congrats on your life.

[Jason]

To do absolutely nothing to make it no different other than now. You have to right side them in so that you can fold them or put them on or whatever. You are making a mistake. So I don't know which. I don't know which one of you is doing it wrong, but you don't need to. You don't need to turn your socks inside out.

[Mike]

Getting them. Getting them inside out. That's easy because you can do that. That's how you take it off your foot.

[Jason]

Sure. Yeah, but.

[Mike]

But then they're still adding us. Yeah, they're adding the step of having to correct them all after doing laundry.

[Andy]

That part would suck.

[Jason]

How do you take your socks off? Do you guys take, like, are your socks usual?

[Andy]

Nice.

[Jason]

Oh, my goodness gracious. That's a you joke every day of the week. All right, that's fair. Do you guys do the pull from the back and it comes off inside out, or do you do the like. No, take it off the heel and then pull from the toes.

[Mike]

I'm usually in higher socks, so I do the thumbs in the, you know, I guess the top and then slip it up.

[Andy]

Really?

[Jason]

So your socks come off, not inside out.

[Mike]

Correct.

[Jason]

Mine as well.

[Andy]

That's a big difference on the height of the sock. Because if I. Yeah, because they're not going to come off really easily. Just grab them. If it's a tall sock, but I use my ankle socks. I don't care how they come off.

[Jason]

It's ironic because I feel like if I had tall socks, they would always be inside out because I would grab it at the top and.

[Andy]

But they're tighter.

[Mike]

Yeah, but it's an investment in the future.

[Andy]

Interesting, because I.

[Mike]

Because I don't want.

[Andy]

So you, Mr. Rogers, your sock removal. You go sit nicely in a chair, and you carefully take your socks off, because you're not doing that standing up.

[Mike]

No, two feet in, I would say.

[Andy]

No, I meant your thumb. He beat this thing with his hands.

[Mike]

The sock removal is almost always like, I'm going to bed. So I get in the bed and I. And now I'm already.

[Andy]

No midday soccer move.

[Mike]

No, I don't.

[Andy]

Interesting. Jason Barefoot, midday?

[Jason]

No, not. Not usually. I mean, there's. There's times where, you know, you. You play pickleball and you go to take a midday shower or something. I will say that when I am sweaty, those are going to always end up inside out.

[Mike]

That is, if they're. If the. If the socks are sweaty, it's harder.

[Andy]

To get them off because you just don't want to. You want to touch the least amount of soft.

[Mike]

Exactly.

[Jason]

I'm gonna grab the bag and just rip.

[Andy]

Kelsey from Twitter. My not very handy husband has decided to try his hand at making us some new furniture to save money. But his quote, rustic coffee table looks more like something I would have made from popsicle sticks in kindergarten. Is this Brandy? We even had a guest ask if we're going for a deconstructed look.

[Mike]

Well, if you're going for rustic, then.

[Andy]

I think he's ending up rustic on accident.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Now he is on Etsy, searching for the next furniture project. How do I fix this? Or must I embrace this DIY disaster? I do have an opinion on this, by the way, which is when you choose to ask your spouse to contribute via creative project because you've looked up Pinterest and you see all these things that you love, you got to live with the result. That's my opinion. You either. If you're taking the time, you're paying the price.

[Jason]

Well, it doesn't seem like she necessarily asked because it said, you know, he's decided to try his hand at making some new furniture. So he might be taking this on.

[Mike]

By himself to save money. So new furniture was necessary.

[Jason]

Okay. And he's like, no, I got this. And then it was trash. And are you forced to keep the trash? Probably.

[Mike]

Yeah. You have to keep the trash. The dude has a hobby, and like a. This is a good hobby of. You're gonna make stuff with your hands.

[Andy]

Yeah. But if you're.

[Mike]

He will get better.

[Andy]

If you were, like, a terrible, terrible painter. But you liked to paint. Do I have to hang up all of your pictures on my wall?

[Jason]

No, you don't.

[Andy]

See, I know in my house, if I did this, my wife would just walk in and be like, that sucks. Yeah, you would walk, and I'd be like, okay.

[Jason]

You would walk in and find that in the garbage. Yeah. Here's the thing. He's on Pinterest looking for new DIY projects. She'd be like, you need to usurp that. And Find requests for new hobbies. Like, you need to find him a new hobby. Something that, you know he's going to love this, you know, and it's not furniture making.

[Mike]

That's the devil you don't know.

[Andy]

Can you say, that's a good first try?

[Jason]

You can. I don't think you. I don't think you're going to want to try that on. Or maybe you do. Maybe that's what you take up, a hobby.

[Andy]

Mike doesn't mean that you have to, like, lie.

[Mike]

No, you don't have to lie about it. But I'm saying to shut down what this person is doing if they're looking for another one. Like, clearly, this guy enjoyed the process. He felt good about it, and he wants. He wants to get better. So let him. Let him get better.

[Andy]

How do I fix this? You just.

[Mike]

You eventually say, hey, that would look.

[Andy]

So good in our storage unit.

[Mike]

You say, hey, you've gotten so much better. You should take another crack at this table. Like your new stuff. This looks great over here. But your new stuff looks so much better that way.

[Jason]

You're not adding new furniture. You're just replacing one bad piece.

[Mike]

Right?

[Andy]

That was actually good advice.

[Jason]

That was.

[Andy]

Mike is the master of confrontation.

[Mike]

Oh, no, I am not.

[Jason]

I mean, personally.

[Mike]

Well, I'm talking about it on the microphone. But you put me in it and I'll be like, I love it.

[Jason]

My piece of advice would be, I'm so sorry. Invest in a pivot. You know, get him some golf clubs.

[Andy]

Now, that's what I'm saying.

[Mike]

You want the husband doing four or five hour golf trips?

[Jason]

If it means I don't have bad furniture, yeah. Get out there.

[Andy]

Give me papa. Josh has made a lot of home improvements, furniture, you know, tables, things around the house.

[Mike]

He's gonna have carpentry skills.

[Andy]

Have you made something that you finished and your wife rejected?

[Mike]

Hold on. That you were proud of and then.

[Jason]

No.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

I know when it's bad. Like, you should know if it's bad.

[Andy]

Have you ever made anything bad?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

Oh, okay. So you never try to put the bad thing in the house?

[Mike]

Oh, no.

[Andy]

You just preempt it and say, I know this is bad. I'm gonna throw this in the garbage.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

So what do you do with it?

[Mike]

Or do you break it down and reuse the stuff?

[Jason]

I'll reuse the wood. Okay.

[Andy]

Okay. Have you had a project where you got all the way done and had to just fully just scrap it and start over?

[Jason]

I made the world's ugliest table One time.

[Andy]

Did you?

[Jason]

Oh, it was terrible. Terrible.

[Andy]

How long in the process did you realize it was ugly and did you finish out of just needing to finish?

[Jason]

I finished it and then I went, what have I created? It's a monster.

[Andy]

Oh, so you had the mercy on your family not to be like, honey, I finished it. Let's put it in the house. Yeah.

[Jason]

Don't do that to your family.

[Andy]

Kara from Patreon. I've been using store bought dressing for our company, Potlucks. Oh, no. But telling everyone it's my special homemade recipe.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Now several co workers want the recipe.

[Jason]

It's a family secret.

[Andy]

Should I attempt to reverse engineer the dressing from the bottles ingredient list or just fess up?

[Mike]

I think Jason landed right on the perfect answer.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'm with him.

[Mike]

This is a family secret. This came with Nana on the boat.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, the Mayflower. I call this the Mayflower dressing.

[Mike]

I was going more like an Ellis Island.

[Andy]

It's very easy to be like, well, it's a family secret. But I'm gonna give you a hint. There is some dill and you just read the ingredients list. Let them figure it out. Maybe someone does reverse engineer it for you.

[Mike]

Hey, we've perfected this over years. You don't just get it for free.

[Jason]

I can also tell you, you can't reverse engineer this. Okay. I have made homemade dressings. They're great. They are nothing at all like a store bought dressing. I mean, the amount of manufacturer. You don't have the equipment to remake storm bought dressing. You literally don't. Oh, no.

[Mike]

There's no Chef Jason has. You've not been able to crack this case.

[Jason]

I know for a fact you cannot replicate in home. A. I mean, what you do, you're. You're missing literal like heating equipment and stuff to, you know, the dressings are really, really bad for you. Oh, they're so good. If you're trying to make those, it's never gonna be replicated to what they are used to having. Not that you can't make great dressings at home.

[Andy]

Al said if you ask somebody for a recipe and they said, no, it's a secret, he'd be like, oh, that person sucks.

[Mike]

Yeah, Really?

[Jason]

I would be impressed.

[Andy]

Do you expect if you went somewhere.

[Jason]

And you're like, this is really good, can I get the recipe? And they're like, nah, it's a secret. If I said, okay. If I said there's a secret, that's rude. If I said, oh, I'm sorry, it's a family Secret. That's not rude anymore. I disagree. Is it? For the love of my mother, you suck. Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. Rest in peace. Oh.

[Andy]

Oh.

[Jason]

Who sucks now?

[Mike]

Mom's last wish.

[Jason]

Who sucks now?

[Mike]

Is to keep the secret safe.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's.

[Andy]

Maybe if you marry into the family.

[Jason]

If you play that card, then I'll back off. No, I'll play that card.

[Andy]

Carla from Twitter. My family loves.

[Mike]

Why don't you figure it out, man?

[Andy]

My family loves to have long group text conversations, but I get overwhelmed by the notifications. I have tried silencing the alerts, but then I feel like I have to find time to read through everything at some point in the future to make sure I haven't missed anything important, but there never is. How can I opt out of this without upsetting somebody I just recently had? So, for our family, when there's a birthday party for one of the kids, a lot of times the invites go out in a big group text. And just recently, my brother was like. He was so funny and over the top because the group text was like, we're having a party. It's at my house at this day. Show up if you'd like to. Please. Nobody reply to this thread no matter what. Yes. If you want to come, come. If you don't, don't reply. Please don't reply. There were a few replies.

[Mike]

Of course there's a few replies.

[Andy]

I'll be there. The. You can count on us.

[Mike]

It reminded me immediately there was. I don't know if you guys heard this story that went around. I think this was a couple years ago about a Pennsylvania dad, like one of those viral stories because he said there was quote or that he. This is what he sent to the family chat. Says I can't keep up with the pressure of always having to LOL or like or heart everyone's random thoughts, picks, and amusements for all future texts. I love them, laugh at them, or like them. Unless it's bad. Then I dislike them in perpetuity. I can't live with this pressure. I'm out.

[Jason]

Oh, man, that's.

[Mike]

That's from. And that's dad.

[Jason]

That is a man. Mike's heart.

[Andy]

You can do it, you know.

[Mike]

Just send that verbatim.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I wonder if someday we'll get to the point where I can help with this. Like, can I just get. I'll mute the notifications. Can you just have AI send me an email summary, one paragraph of what.

[Jason]

Happened that day and the obligations, the expectations, now the social needs. They're too Much. It's taking away from things that actually matter. You know, it's like the.

[Mike]

Yeah, no, no, no.

[Jason]

It's not a story.

[Mike]

No, no, no. I'm saying I legit just did this. So Biggest loser from the fantasy footballers, Brian Ketron. Great friend of the show, Brian Ketron.

[Jason]

We're. What a loser. We're.

[Mike]

We're reals bros. So, like, we'll scroll, scroll reels on Instagram and we'll send funny stuff back and forth. And, like, he.

[Andy]

Do you have to put a thumbs up on him?

[Mike]

Yeah, it's like he got in this habit of he would react to everyone I'm sending. And so then I was like, I guess I have to react to everyone you're sending. And then I just. Then one day I was like, all right, look here, dude, we're. We're resetting. I don't need you to react to every single one.

[Jason]

It does not good.

[Mike]

It does not matter to me if you react to one. I know you particularly liked that one a lot. And he brought me, like, oh, thank God.

[Andy]

He's like, but this has become too much.

[Mike]

Yeah, it was, I guess, putting his wife on blast, he said, because he has to react to every reel that his wife sends or she feels like he wasn't paying attention to him.

[Jason]

Mike, I am so proud of you as a man and happy for our audience to hear this. Truth bomb.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Bring these things up. This is what I was. This is exactly what I was talking about. The obligation for reaction means that nothing means anything.

[Andy]

Right?

[Jason]

Stop loving everything and liking everything and.

[Andy]

Read receipts at that point.

[Jason]

Yes. Turn your read receipts on. No, no, no. That will never have a read receipt. Oh, my gosh. When I send a text and then it gets marked as red, I'd go, you fool. You don't know what you're doing.

[Andy]

The read receipt puts you in an obligatory spot where if you read it, you're like, crap. I wish I could unread it so I can react later.

[Mike]

No, no, no. That thing is off.

[Andy]

Because the second somebody gets hit with a read receipt, the timer begins on whether you care about them.

[Mike]

Yes, he does.

[Jason]

This is the life advice section. Not Smoke from Patreon. Kelsey from Twitter. Kara from Patreon. Carla from Twitter. The one takeaway is turn your read receipts off. That's the only important life advice that we can give today to everyone listening. Turn your read receipts off. Live the right way.

[Andy]

Live free.

[Mike]

Live your life.

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[Andy]

Do you think this one's still good?

[Jason]

Free milk.

[Geico Announcer]

Oh, mate, that expired in 1993.

[Andy]

Dang it.

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[Andy]

Ooh, how about this one?

[Mike]

Half off floppy disks.

[Geico Announcer]

Now you should try a bit of spring cleaning.

[Jason]

It feels good to save big.

[Mike]

It feels good to Geico.

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[Jason]

The Spitballers draft.

[Andy]

All right, we are drafting most embarrassing things that can happen to you on a day date. Jason, you have the first pick.

[Mike]

You're already laughing.

[Jason]

I mean, come on. There's one that you just can't come back.

[Mike]

Get it out of the way.

[Jason]

I'm gonna poop my pants. You pooped your pants. You lose. I mean, that's. There's nothing worse than that. You just pooped your pants. I mean, it's like it's over. What, what do you do? You stink, you're smelly.

[Mike]

You say, thank you for your time.

[Jason]

For your time. I would like for you to leave now because I'm not walking away before you.

[Mike]

You just, you have to, you have to do backwards.

[Andy]

Oh, my God.

[Mike]

They never see the evidence.

[Jason]

I know it's incredibly childish, but like, it's the 101. It's the one on one.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

Do you. I just imagine someone saying, like, I, I'm sorry I pooped my pants and then just sprinting.

[Jason]

I don't think you sprint your pants. But just admitting it is a bold choice. I mean, that's one of those, like, if you're at a restaurant and, you know, let's say it's the first date and you're like, I pooped my pants. I think admitting it is.

[Mike]

It's the only possible way out.

[Jason]

Oh, man, I don't know. I pooped my pants once and I didn't admit it until on this show.

[Mike]

But you weren't on A date.

[Jason]

That's true.

[Mike]

I mean, you're not getting out no matter what. But I think the only way out is. This is gonna sound really weird.

[Andy]

Okay, well, that is the 101.

[Mike]

I think I had a lot of fiber today.

[Andy]

I'm gonna go with spilling a drink on your date. I'm going spilling a drink on your date.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You have done something. I understand it was an accident, but you have done it to your date, and you have now put them in a position where they. What are they supposed to do if they're covered in a drink?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

They now have to be uncomfortable the rest of the night. And every minute, they feel that their shirt is wet or their pants are wet or wherever you spilled the drink, that's because of you. Yeah.

[Jason]

And you probably stained a nice outfit.

[Andy]

And you don't want to.

[Mike]

If it's water, it's.

[Andy]

And you're like, well, sure.

[Jason]

If it's water, that can just be a fun time. But I'm talking about soda, and I'm talking. This ain't no Sprite. This is.

[Andy]

Well, and you can't, like, be like, oh, let me help you dry that.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You know, because then you're, like, starting to grope. Yeah.

[Mike]

You know, that's a bad.

[Andy]

Don't want to do that look.

[Mike]

So that'll be spilled on them.

[Andy]

Spilled.

[Jason]

I had that on my list.

[Mike]

Okay, so I get two picks here. For the first one, I'm going to go with you. Forget their name.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Because.

[Andy]

Yep.

[Jason]

I had on my list.

[Mike]

How do you navigate.

[Andy]

I had calling them the wrong name.

[Jason]

I had calling them your ex's name.

[Andy]

Yep.

[Mike]

But if you forget.

[Andy]

I mean, one time you do that, you, like. There's no excuse for it. There's no way to unring that bell, because I had.

[Mike]

I have the calm. Your ex's name. And that would be embarrassing, but that feels like something you can move past. But if you don't know their name.

[Andy]

How are you finding it out?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, are you gonna be like, let's.

[Andy]

Compare driver's licenses, sir?

[Mike]

I think you would. The right thing to do is ideas for our drinks.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

With Sally, who I, of course, know. All right.

[Jason]

You got to go over to the waiter, and you got to say, hey, when you come back, would you ask for our names? Just say, hey, Are you a regular here? What's your name?

[Andy]

Yep. No, that would be terrible. Forgetting your date's name. That's a good one.

[Mike]

And then we'll. We'll follow that one up with.

[Jason]

Your.

[Mike]

The end of the dates happening, check shows up, that credit card got declined.

[Jason]

That's. That is the 102 to me. Yeah. So I originally had forgetting your wallet, but then I realized, I mean, that sucks, right? Like, oh, you got to pay for this. But that is nowhere. That is. That is. That's just like, whoopsie doozles.

[Andy]

I mean, you could. You could Venmo them right on the.

[Jason]

Spot and be fine getting your card declined at the date. And not like, they. Your date's gonna pay for this because someone has to, and you're declined. But the reason that they're paying is it because I forgot, is because it's like, I can't. I can't afford this thing.

[Andy]

I feel like I'd try to call the bank and speakerphone right there and be like, you know, try to solve it right in front of them. So, credit card decline, forgetting your date's name.

[Mike]

Have you ever had a decline for anything?

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's normally one of those ones where it's like, I get the text, too, and it's like they think it's fraud or something. But it's like, I mean, never for lack of funds. Yeah.

[Mike]

I'm pretty sure I've had that happen, like, while married with my wife. And it's like, that's embarrassing enough.

[Jason]

It is the most.

[Mike]

My wife.

[Jason]

There it is the most embarrassing thing. She knows how much money we have. Yeah. Like, if genuinely you can have money in the account, plenty of it. Like, sometimes your card gets flagged when you travel.

[Mike]

Right.

[Jason]

You'll go out of state and you'll make an expense, and the bank shuts it down because they think that's not where you live. And just like what you're saying, you could be with someone who knows for a fact you can afford this. You're good. You've budgeted everything.

[Mike]

You haven't been silly when you get.

[Jason]

Told, I'm sorry your card was declined. Not like, oh, you need to run that again. It didn't go through. But if it said declined, the level of embarrassment is, I can't handle it. And it's like, totally just something that can get fixed. But it's like, I.

[Andy]

That's when you. Ryan, you grab the change in the car.

[Jason]

Everyone hates me.

[Andy]

Okay, good pick, Mike. I had spilling a drink on your date. I'm going to follow that up with the end of the date as well. You go in for the kiss, and you get the cheek turn. You get the cheek turn.

[Jason]

The kiss denied.

[Mike]

You get a handshake.

[Andy]

Yeah. Kiss Denied. Pretty embarrassing. Probably not a second date on the way.

[Jason]

No. Okay. Okay.

[Andy]

So, Jason, you've pooped your pants so far.

[Jason]

Yeah, I have.

[Andy]

Date over.

[Jason]

I don't need anything else. All right, so let's see here. I'm gonna say the most embarrassing part, the most embarrassing thing to happen on a date. I'm going to. I'm going to go with this one because it's happened to me recently. Not on a date, but in a way that was so infuriating and unavoidable and long lasting. Uncontrollable hiccups. Oh, words, Mike. You know what I'm talking about. But you're talking the whole day long. You are hiccuping and you can't stop. You're annoying. You look like a loser. I didn't know hiccups were this severe. You know, it's one of those things.

[Andy]

People think you're opting into him if.

[Jason]

Someone is hiccuping for an hour.

[Andy]

Oh, boy.

[Jason]

I mean, it's.

[Mike]

I've done that. Yeah.

[Jason]

I did that recently. And my kids were laughing like crazy because I couldn't stop.

[Mike]

And it's like, you wish, you want, you want. I'm good. I had a great life. But if these hiccups don't stop, it's over. Just please take me away from here.

[Jason]

All right. This one would be, I think, even.

[Andy]

Yeah. Your third pick.

[Jason]

Worse. I'm going to accidentally send a text about them.

[Mike]

Oh, to them.

[Jason]

To my bud. Oh, no. I accidentally sent a text about them to them.

[Mike]

Like, the buddy's like, how's the date going?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And you. Yeah.

[Andy]

She's.

[Jason]

Not a looker.

[Mike]

That one makes me feel. Yeah.

[Jason]

I mean, how bad would that. Even if. Even if it was a good text, even if it was like, oh, my dates looking fine tonight or whatever, I would feel like, oh, shoot, I sent that to you.

[Andy]

That one would be better, though.

[Jason]

Oh, way better. I mean, the other. The other one is, don't worry, I just pooped my pants. Like, you can leave now.

[Andy]

Okay, that's good. I will go. I'll go with a classic, but it's something that could happen and your date might not tell you.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

And you find out afterwards. But it's food stuck in your teeth the whole time. Okay. Food stuck in your teeth the entire time. Not a good feeling, right? Pretty embarrassing.

[Jason]

Yeah, pretty embarrassing. I thought you were going with something very, very similar, but different. It'll probably get drafted.

[Andy]

Okay. All right.

[Mike]

I'm going with an embarrassment that it won't be Shared with the date because they just didn't show up.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh. That's a good pitch.

[Mike]

You sat at that table.

[Jason]

Oh, how.

[Mike]

Sir, this is for two. You're like, yeah, they're showing up. They're running a little bit lower.

[Andy]

Grab them a water.

[Mike]

Because I'd be like, it's not between you and the date. It's between you and that waiter. Because eventually that waiter is gonna figure out what's going on.

[Jason]

Goodness, that is such a good pick. I didn't even think about.

[Andy]

I know what I would go with. I'd be like, after a while, I just tell the waiter, yeah, she got no fatal car accident for sure.

[Jason]

It's your only out.

[Andy]

That's your only way out.

[Mike]

You wait for the waiter to walk back up and ask you if you need anything. Like, hold on, I've got to take this in emergency.

[Jason]

Right?

[Mike]

That's why you should.

[Jason]

Oh, she's dead.

[Andy]

She's dead. Oh, boy.

[Mike]

That's why you're not at the date.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh. Okay, hold on.

[Mike]

I gotta go.

[Jason]

I gotta order. Looks like I can order now, sir.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh. Getting stood up.

[Mike]

The chef special still good? That's available?

[Andy]

Yeah, they won't be done at the scene for a while.

[Mike]

All right, I got that one. And then I don't know the best way to make this concise, but essentially you laugh at something that wasn't a joke.

[Jason]

Oh, sure. Inappropriate laugh.

[Mike]

They're telling you a story and you thought it was a. You're like, oh. And they're like, why are you. Why are you laughing? Yeah, like, I didn't tell a joke.

[Jason]

That's embarrassing in all situations. Date or not date. But when you're on a date, obviously your goal is to impress.

[Mike]

Yeah. Best version of you.

[Andy]

Which is why my 4th pick will not impress. It's a bad trip and fall.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, it's a bad.

[Andy]

You step off the curb, you eat it. It's a stupid.

[Mike]

I mean, no one that's not on.

[Andy]

My list, no grown up should be tripping and falling ever. So from the impressing standpoint.

[Mike]

And we are at the age of. Yeah, like, have you guys fallen down? We get pretty hurt recently because the only one I could think of is it's still years ago, but like, chasing kids in a. Like, my kids in the playground and you run and. Yeah, my kids at the playground and you hit the sand and I went down and my knee went right into the ground and this thing just blew up and I was just bleeding everywhere. Oh, is it Jason Kidd joke?

[Andy]

It just sounded like you said Jason Kidd. Go on, go on.

[Mike]

So the point being of not only is it incredibly embarrassing, it is very, very painful at this point to fall down.

[Andy]

We shouldn't be falling anymore.

[Jason]

Yeah, but we're gonna fall more and more as we.

[Mike]

That's why me and Jay took the physical body. That's right.

[Andy]

Good point. Good point.

[Jason]

Enjoy your hip.

[Andy]

All right, Jason, you get a final pick. You just accidentally texted your date, but it was meant for a friend. And you have one more embarrassing thing that can happen.

[Jason]

I've got quite a few left on my list here. I'm gonna take this one solely because I thought this is what you were gonna take when you had something in your teeth. Okay. That's embarrassing because it's like, oh, my gosh, how long? They didn't say anything. What did they think? You know? But it's like, you know, you were eating.

[Mike]

It happens.

[Jason]

It happens. But you want to know what's worse? And then you think, like, what did they think? Yeah, because my zipper was down. Oh, my zipper was down. That whole day.

[Mike]

I had a different answer.

[Jason]

What was yours?

[Mike]

I thought you were going, bad breath.

[Jason]

Oh, that's good, too. But you don't know. You don't know. When you get home, you never.

[Mike]

You. You find out.

[Jason]

I mean, maybe.

[Andy]

I think people have bad breath for generations.

[Jason]

Yeah. And they don't find there's no way to tell somebody but your zipper. You get home or whatever, and you're like, oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. I had my zipper down the whole time.

[Andy]

Good. That's a good pick. My honorable mentions here. I had wet yourself. Which pales in comparison to poop yourself.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Because I could spill. I can. I can fix that situation.

[Andy]

I think if you hit your date with the door, like, you were supposed to open the door for him, but you just let it slam on him. Throwing up, choking on your food.

[Mike]

Oh, choking.

[Andy]

The combo. Bad body odor. For getting deodorant.

[Jason]

Oh, for getting deodorant.

[Andy]

Which is like, the bad breath that's also. You'd be aware of that one.

[Jason]

And you'd be like, if I'm on the way and I forgot to stop.

[Mike]

By Walgreens, I didn't order onions.

[Jason]

What's going on here? Yeah, if I forgot deodorant and I was on the way to the date, that date would be stood up. I would not show up. So I had loud fart, you know? But I already pooped my pants.

[Andy]

Right.

[Jason]

That fart was before that you had rip your pants. Yeah, you know, getting out of the car.

[Andy]

Malfunction.

[Jason]

Wardrobe malfunction. I had your parents have to drive you. I mean. Oh, we should have said breathalyzer. Oh, that's a good one. Pick her up with a breathalyzer. You have to breathe into the machine.

[Andy]

To start your car.

[Jason]

Oh, man. As your first impression. And then I had getting turned away for being underdressed. Like, you show up to the restaurant and it's like, sir, no flip flops. Yeah, yeah, good ones.

[Mike]

I had left me asking the same question multiple times. Like, I'm not listening to anything you're saying. And I knocked the food out of the waiter's hand, which is too similar to the spill.

[Andy]

Yeah, I had a. I mean, this is just barely related. I was at a restaurant last night. I'm sitting by myself. I'm waiting for my son, his practice to get over. And I was finishing with a cup of coffee. I'm a normal person. I should be able to drink a cup of coffee. I'm alone in a booth. There's lots of people in the restaurant. And I just. The end of the cup of coffee. I just dropped the cup of coffee onto the little plate. So it's super loud. The coffee splashes. I now have coffee crotch.

[Jason]

Nice.

[Andy]

In the restaurant. And I'm just like, I couldn't have felt more. I didn't even have a date there. And I was like, mmm, I don't.

[Jason]

Know how to live life. All right, what did we learn today?

[Andy]

I could speak for all of us if you want.

[Jason]

Yeah. Turn on those. Turn off those.

[Andy]

Read receipts.

[Mike]

Turn off those.

[Andy]

Read receipts.

[Jason]

It is indeed the most important piece of advice.

[Mike]

Live free you've heard today.

[Andy]

Also, throw your phone in the trash. Disconnect.

[Jason]

Live in the woods.

[Mike]

Check your breath.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Goodbye.

[Jason]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballers pod dot com.

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