Spitballers Comedy Podcast
Episode 322: Secret Family Recipes & Embarrassing Things That Can Happen on a Date – Spit Hits!
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason
Date: January 8, 2026
Episode Overview
This episode features the award-winning trio of Andy, Mike, and Jason as they tackle ridiculous hypotheticals, dish out “life advice you should never, ever take,” and draft the most embarrassing things that can happen on a date. The vibe is lighthearted, dad joke-filled, and rooted in relatable life moments, drawn from their own dad lives and collective sense of playful banter. The Spitballers focus on delivering “clean, actually funny” comedy that’s truly for the whole family.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
Scat Opening & Revenge (01:07–03:02)
- The episode opens with playful chaos surrounding the traditional “scat” intro.
- Andy and Jason pull a prank involving altering Jason’s scat voice to sound like Alvin the Chipmunk, leading to running jokes about “revenge” and confusion.
- Memorable exchange:
- Andy (02:20): “He muted me mid-scat… I gotta get him back.”
- Jason (03:02): “Revenge is a dish best served warm and nice. I heated that up for you.”
Would You Rather (03:15–22:27)
Telekinesis vs. an Eternal Pet (03:15–09:43)
- Listeners ask: Would you rather have two minutes of telekinesis a day (max 250 lbs), or a magical, never-dying pet?
- The group debates practical uses for daily, brief telekinesis (“getting a towel after a shower,” “fixing a golf shot,” "swishing basketballs"), but most agree an eternal pet is cooler.
- Jason (06:34): “There’s something nice about those different periods of the new pet as well.”
- Mike (09:42): “I will take the dog.”
- Consensus: Most pick the never-dying pet for sentimental reasons.
Mind Aging vs. Body Aging (09:55–13:28)
- Would you rather have your brain age but your body stay young, or your body age but your mind stay young?
- Andy argues for keeping his mind sharp; Jason counters that the body deteriorates faster and would prefer a young body.
- Jason (12:09): “AI is going to do all my thinking for me. So give me that body.”
Instantly Becoming Attractive vs. Changing Beauty Standards (13:28–17:01)
- Would you rather snap your fingers to become “society’s standard” of beauty or have society’s standards match how you already look?
- Mike jokes: “Do you want to be hot, or do you want everyone as ugly as Jason?” (13:53)
- They discuss self-perception and confidence, generally landing on wanting to look like their ideal, not just changing others’ opinions.
- Jason (16:36): “If I snap my fingers and I do look like…the ideal version, I’ll feel great immediately and everyone thinks I look good.”
Chain-Smoking Neighbor vs. Lingering Farts (17:04–23:33)
- Would you rather sit next to a chain-smoker or endure a cloud of lingering farts at a sporting event?
- The comedians dig into the health implications (“Do farts cause lung cancer?”), the differences in after-smell, and the horror of each scenario.
- Jason (19:08): “He choked on a fart.”
- Mike and Jason share real-life airplane and cigarette stories.
- The trio splits: Mike takes cigarettes, Andy/Jason take the farts for the story value, not the experience.
Life Advice (26:02–44:10)
Do You Wash Socks Inside Out? (26:23–30:29)
- Listener marital dispute: Should socks be washed inside out?
- Jason’s answer is simple: “No, it don’t matter.” (26:46)
- They explore laundry quirks and sock-drawer philosophies.
- Andy (28:11): “I just throw them unpaired. They’re all the same socks.”
- The consensus: Don’t waste energy flipping socks unless absolutely necessary.
When Spouse DIY Goes Wrong (32:23–36:42)
- What should you do when your spouse’s “rustic” homemade furniture is kind of a disaster?
- They recommend gentle honesty and letting people pursue hobbies (“He will get better.”), but also suggest phased displacement ("would look great in storage!").
- Andy (33:28): “You got to live with the result.”
- Mike recommends: “Say, ‘Hey, you’ve gotten so much better—maybe try this table again.’”
Faking a Family Recipe with Store-Bought Dressing (37:07–39:39)
- A listener is busted after passing store-bought dressing as homemade.
- The team unanimously agrees: Don’t fess up, just say “it’s a family secret.”
- Jason (38:26): “You can’t replicate store-bought dressing at home. You literally don’t have the equipment.”
Opting Out of Group Texts (39:43–44:10)
- Listener overwhelmed by incessant family group texts—how to bow out?
- They joke about “group text etiquette,” reacting to every text, and the social pressure of digital life.
- Notable quote:
- Mike (41:17, quoting a legendary dad text): “I can’t keep up with the pressure of always having to LOL or like or heart everyone’s random thoughts...I can’t live with this pressure. I’m out.”
- Life advice takeaway (44:10): “Turn your read receipts off. Live free.” (Jason, echoed by all)
The Spitballers Draft: Most Embarrassing Things That Can Happen on a Date (45:25–60:12)
Each host drafts embarrassing date scenarios with full comedic flair:
Jason’s Picks:
- Pooping your pants — “There’s nothing worse than that. You just pooped your pants.” (45:39)
- Uncontrollable hiccups — recently experienced; “You look like a loser.” (52:27)
- Accidentally sending a text about your date…to your date (53:05)
- Zipper down — “Oh no. I had my zipper down the whole time.” (57:37)
Andy’s Picks:
- Spilling a drink on your date — “You have done something… to your date, and you have now put them in a position where they—what are they supposed to do if they’re covered in a drink?” (47:12)
- Going in for a kiss, getting the cheek turn (51:23)
- Food stuck in your teeth — “You find out afterwards…” (53:52)
- Tripping and falling — “No grown-up should be tripping and falling ever.” (55:59)
Mike’s Picks:
- Forgetting your date’s name (48:01)
- Credit card declined when paying for the meal — “That is the most embarrassing thing.” (50:12)
- Getting stood up (date never shows up) (54:20)
- Laughing at something that wasn’t a joke (55:33)
Notable/Runner-Up Embarrassments:
- Calling your date the wrong name (especially an ex’s)
- Loud fart
- Throwing up or choking on dinner
- Bad breath/body odor
- Wardrobe malfunction (e.g., ripped pants)
- Forgetting deodorant
- Needing a designated driver (breathalyzer in car)
- Being driven by your parents to the date
Funniest Draft Moment:
- The group riffs on what to tell the waiter if stood up:
- Andy (54:49): “Yeah, she got in a fatal car accident, for sure. That’s your only way out.”
Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)
- Andy (03:02): “Revenge is a dish best served warm and nice. I heated that up for you.”
- Jason (06:34): “There’s something nice about those different periods of the new pet as well.”
- Mike (13:53): "Do you want to be hot, or do you want everyone as ugly as Jason?”
- Jason (19:08): “He choked on a fart.”
- Jason (26:46): “No, it don’t matter.” (On sock-washing)
- Mike (41:17, quoting a viral text): “I can’t keep up with the pressure of always having to LOL or like or heart everyone’s random thoughts…”
- Jason (44:10): “Turn your read receipts off. Live free.”
- Jason (45:39): “There’s nothing worse than that. You just pooped your pants.”
- Andy (47:12): “…You have now put them in a position where they—what are they supposed to do if they’re covered in a drink?”
- Mike (50:12): “That is the most embarrassing thing.” (On credit card decline)
Timestamps for Key Segments
- Scat intro & opening banter: 01:07–03:02
- Would You Rather segment: 03:15–23:33
- Life Advice Q&A: 26:02–44:10
- Embarrassing Date Draft: 45:25–60:12
Episode Takeaways
- Don’t overthink chores like laundry—some things just don’t matter (like sock orientation).
- If your spouse is bad at DIY, nudge them gently to improve—don’t kill a new hobby.
- Sometimes, little white lies like “it’s a family secret” can save major face.
- Family group texts are overwhelming—the pressure to react is real. Set digital boundaries (“Turn off those read receipts. Live free.”)
- On dates, you can recover from most embarrassments — but pooping your pants is truly the 101 of date-ending calamities.
Overall Tone and Style
The Spitballers treat even the silliest topics with camaraderie, improvisational humor, and the everyday wisdom of three dads who don’t take themselves too seriously. The show remains accessible and genuinely funny, making it easy listening for anyone who enjoys playful banter on relatable life situations.
For more laughs and nonsense, visit SpitballersPod.com.