
Spitballers return with the laughs and absurdity you’ve come to love. Another Would You Rathers goes off the rails, the Situation Room puts us in… weird situations and a Best Juices draft pushes the rules on this can’t miss episode. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!
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Andy
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Mike
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What happens when three buffoons give life
Andy
advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason
Jason
Scoop.
Mike
The doop doop loop.
Andy
Bloop, bloop laugh. Sounded like a scat on a toilet.
Jason
I. I'm fine with it. It's not. It's not in your upper echelon because it didn't have a flourish. You don't.
Andy
You're.
Jason
You've set a standard that's higher than us sometimes. Yeah, Jeremy just rated it a 4 out of 10.
Andy
Yeah, like, that would have been an 8 for me, if we're being honest.
Jason
I liked the beginning. I just. You normally lead to something better.
Mike
Sometimes you gotta leave the audience wanting more.
Jason
Yes, you did. Welcome to the Spitballers episode 360. Would you rather the Situation Room and a draft on today's episode? Follow us over on X at Spitballers Pod if you want to follow Jason at Jason ffl. Mike is at FF Hitman.
Andy
I'm not at Jason FFL anymore.
Mike
He's not.
Andy
Update These show dogs. I'm at Jason Moore.
Jason
Yeah. This show.
Andy
Come on. We got producers here or what?
Producer/Assistant
That's on me. That's not Andy's fault.
Andy
Wow.
Jason
He just fell on it before I. That's a new preemptive strike strategy. That was smart.
Andy
That was very way of the samurai.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Me at FF Hitman. That's still right at Andy Holloway. And thank you for joining us. Thank you for subscribing to the show, for leaving your reviews. We appreciate you. Episode.
Mike
Reminding me to go double check on my handles here.
Jason
Yeah. Episode 360. We are five shows.
Andy
Mike. Don't do it. If you get at Mike, I'm gonna be so pissed. That won't.
Mike
That one won't.
Jason
That'll cost him over a million dollars.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
He's not getting Mike.
Mike
They. They think their handles are worth a lot of money.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
We tried to upgrade our main footballer show handle. Just like. That'd be nice.
Jason
We never did that with spit.
Mike
What update?
Andy
We never looked to see if footballers
Jason
can just be grabbed.
Mike
Okay, well, don't tell the people.
Jason
I mean, this isn't coming out for a while.
Mike
We'll be able to do it right now. Crap.
Jason
This is really not for air. Episode 365 shows away from a show for every day of the. Of the year. Do you realize that we've almost got literally one year's worth of shows?
Mike
I mean, we are one show for every angle. Or every. If you want to turn like the Earth.
Andy
No. 360 degrees.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Oh, I see.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
I guess I'm not really.
Mike
Geometry joke. It's not too high brow for you?
Jason
Kind of missed it.
Andy
You know what's funnier to obtuse.
Jason
Agreed.
Andy
So we're. We're five episodes away from having one for every day.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Nice joke, Mike. You're too obtuse. I mean, that was very cute of you.
Mike
Let him fly.
Andy
Anyways, so we were five episodes away from having one for every day of the year. But that's also five weeks, assuming no holidays. It's a long time. We. We've been doing this show for way too long.
Jason
Yeah, that's what. That was what I was getting at. Let's. Let's keep it going.
Andy
Would you rather.
Jason
All righty. Would you rather, guys, you ready for this? Mike, are you ready for this? Jason, are you ready for this?
Andy
I know I'm not ready.
Jason
Bethany from the website, Would you rather your kids and their friends think that you're the best dad on the entire plan or your wife and all her Friends think that you're the best husband in the entire planet.
Andy
Definitely the dad.
Mike
Hmm.
Jason
You want that fame?
Andy
Yeah. Yeah.
Jason
You were saying you make your kids call you super dad?
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Well, no, I don't. I don't always make them.
Mike
They just know I've offered up the name.
Andy
I've offered up the name and they've accepted. I say, who am I? And they say super dad. That's their doing. I don't say you have to call me super dad.
Mike
But what are your superpowers?
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Parenting advice, Buying juice boxes, cooking, everything.
Jason
So you want. You want to be famous to the. You'd rather be famous to the kids. Friends than your wife's friends?
Andy
Yes. Yes, I think that's true.
Jason
Yeah. I don't know if I feel that way. Well, I mean, I guess I assume already that no matter what my kids friends say, I'm not cool. Do you know what I mean? Like, it doesn't matter if they call you super dad.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
They don't actually think it because you're old.
Andy
That's why it's special.
Jason
If you can actually have them think
Andy
that it's cool, which is very hard. If you can achieve it, it's special.
Jason
I will say, I guess in this situation you actually are thought of and legitimately in the.
Mike
In the world that we live in.
Andy
I hope so. Where it's all lies.
Mike
Like, this is our job.
Andy
When
Mike
I found that my. While they might, my kids friends don't really care about the show. And I mean, some of them are into fantasy football stuff, but when you point to your YouTube subscriber amount, they
Jason
care more about that. Oh, you're like in on.
Mike
You suddenly become very cool.
Andy
Yeah. So look at this plaque I have from you. Yes. Oh, you are cool.
Jason
But you can't really walk around with a shirt with your YouTube subs on. No, because that's not.
Andy
I just carry the.
Mike
No, but, but when the friends are over, you just like play it on your phone real loud like. Oh, yeah, he totally caught me. I was just checking this new episode that we. We posted on. Oh, what, we're up to 400,000 subs, wouldn't it?
Jason
I mean, isn't it embarrassing though if like, if you're.
Mike
They have a bigger YouTube channel? Yeah.
Jason
It would be friends don't think you're a good husband.
Andy
Well, this doesn't imply that the opposite party thinks you're terrible, does it? Was that in the question?
Mike
Yeah, you're hearing what we're not saying.
Producer/Assistant
You know what?
Jason
There may be problems that Come about if your wife's. All her friends think you're the best. So. Yeah, I'm going to go with the kids one.
Andy
Yeah, the kids are eating right now. Smooth sailing.
Jason
That's smooth sailing. Yep, that's. That Just figured that one out.
Mike
Creating a situation for your wife, Joel from Patreon.
Jason
When visiting a foreign country, Jason, would you rather be able to speak the native language or read the native language?
Andy
Oh, that's legit. So I just went to a foreign country that was not a native English speaking country. So I just experienced this.
Jason
Where'd you go?
Andy
I went to Turkey and there the English language was okay to get through most of the time. I feel like reading was actually more important. Like, if I'm looking at a menu.
Jason
Did you drive yourself there? Like, did you can't drive.
Mike
There's an ocean. No, it's still not possible.
Jason
Not to get.
Andy
No, I did not drive. No, I didn't drive anywhere. I was driven. I mean, I'm not going to go there. Yeah.
Mike
And see a lot of the country.
Jason
Look, I just.
Andy
They're trying to need street signs.
Jason
You were Ubering and stuff. I didn't know you're going to call it being driven, but I mean, whatever, man.
Andy
Their traffic, Truman, is insane.
Jason
The traffic is insane.
Andy
I spent my summers in Los Angeles. Oh, man. I kept thinking, Mike and Andy could not handle these drivers. Oh, no freaking chance. You guys would have rather jumped out of the car if there was an opportunity, and there was very rarely an opportunity, but if there was an opportunity to accelerate because there was a little bit of free land in front of this vehicle. Oh, my gosh.
Jason
Did they stepped on it?
Andy
They stepped on it and there was.
Mike
I'm gonna open it up.
Andy
He breaks. It was like they saved fractions of a millisecond and they. It was unbelievable. But also too much traffic. Way too much traffic. I mean, it literally made Los Angeles look like Kansas.
Jason
Child's play.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
So you think that reading would have been more helpful?
Andy
I think reading would have been more helpful.
Jason
How much? Like, I mean, I've not been to Turkey. I don't even know what you do in Turkey. But how much. How much of it was like both languages? Was there any accommodation?
Andy
Almost all of it. Almost all of it.
Jason
That's what I was thinking.
Andy
Really. There was no struggle. I'm saying, which of the two struggles did I experience more? There were times when I wanted to read something and it didn't have English and I didn't know exactly what it meant. There was almost nobody That I spoke to that couldn't comprehend a little bit.
Jason
That was Turkish.
Andy
Okay. What did you say?
Jason
Something in Turkish.
Andy
Oh, you'll have to. He was cursing like a.
Mike
You'll have to translate. It's safe for the airwaves.
Jason
I will say it is super safe. Sachi.
Mike
I'm going bula. Bill Rim speaking would be much, much better.
Jason
All right, Nate from Patreon, would you rather every meal and every snack you eat for the rest of your life have to include at least one full dill pickle spear? What? Or never be able to eat anything with cheese on it?
Mike
This is just an attack. This is.
Jason
I'm.
Mike
I am under attack.
Producer/Assistant
It was submitted, but I did put it in because I knew you would struggle.
Jason
So every meal and every snack you eat for the rest of your life, you have to include. When you say you have to include it, you got to eat it, Right?
Andy
Yeah. Eat a deal.
Jason
Pickles, beer, or you can never eat anything with cheese on it or in it again, which. Let me tell you, the amount that I.
Mike
People that like you two, you enjoy pickles.
Andy
I love pickles.
Mike
You will just. You will eat like. I was at a. I love pickles. I was at a.
Producer/Assistant
But you probably don't love them with ice cream or with a bag of.
Mike
Yeah, but you could. You can just throw it back real quick and then get to your.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Where you're going.
Andy
Honestly, it's gonna make the ice cream better. Because every time I get an ice cream, I'll be like, let me chow down on this sourdough pickle. And now ice cream.
Mike
Like, they sell bags of. My daughter did a musical, and they're. So they have a snack bar.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
But there's pickles there, and there's a bag of pickles.
Jason
Yeah. They've really started to streamline pickle distribution. You can get those little dill in a bag. They have flavors of them.
Andy
They're not good.
Jason
They're not that great.
Andy
I love pickles.
Jason
They're fine, though. They're fine.
Andy
And this idea. This concept is preservatives. Wonderful. The concept is wonderful. The execution is terrible. One, they're not good flavors.
Jason
Here's the funny thing. You have to put preservatives in those, despite the fact that pickling something is a preservative because you can't put the juice inside the bag. If the bag was filled with juice, it would be actually fine.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
The bag is filled with just a pickle.
Andy
The other issue, though, is they cut them so thick, Those little bagged pickles
Jason
they're like, they're really not that bad.
Andy
No, they're too thick. They're not chips.
Jason
Mike, have you considered that now that the snack bar is selling pickles, they got pickles on the go? Pickles are everywhere. Have you considered you're just wrong?
Andy
Have you considered that maybe good.
Jason
Maybe pickles are delicious?
Andy
When's the last time you ate a pickle?
Jason
When's the last time you pickled that?
Mike
I think it's. It's been a while. I will say I am open that perhaps my opinion is wrong.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
Maybe there are bad pickles.
Mike
Mike.
Andy
I know.
Mike
I've heard you guys talk all about it.
Andy
Tomatoes and pickles. Tomatoes and pickles are as in you
Jason
can have great or bad.
Andy
I love tomatoes and pickles. There are disgusting, foul creature versions of tomatoes and pickles. And usually that's it. Pretty much. It's usually ubiquitous at all fast food restaurants. If you go to a fast food place and you get tomatoes and pickles, they're pretty much smushy, nasty, chewy garbage. So if that's where people's opinions are coming from, grow up.
Jason
You need cold, fresh, fresh pickles.
Andy
Yeah. And tomatoes.
Mike
I mean, but for this question, never be able to eat anything with cheese on it. Again.
Andy
No pizza.
Jason
Yeah, yeah. Because pizza's got cheese.
Mike
Just like everything. Almost everything I eat, I'm putting cheese on it.
Andy
Yeah. So you're going to have a hamburger. Not a cheeseburger, a hamburger.
Mike
I can get down on a bacon, but it's better with cheese.
Jason
My daughter right now, we're trying out dairy free for her. Like just as of a couple days ago, the doctor's like, let's give this a shot.
Andy
Just as a punishment.
Jason
Yes, exactly.
Andy
It's turning into, you gotta see, you're dairy free this week.
Jason
Every day, dude.
Andy
That's the ultimate grounding.
Jason
Just like you're gluten free.
Andy
You're gluten free.
Mike
You're dairy free, gluten free, 3.0.
Jason
Oh, yeah. Any day you mess up, you gotta restart your week without it.
Mike
You got a 2.0.
Jason
But every day she gets up and has a bowl of cereal. So that's already messed up. Now she's got to do almond milk. She doesn't love it. It's fine. But then I go to make her a lunch, and her lunch is normally like a turkey and cheese sandwich. Do you know how horrible that sandwich seems the second you take one of the two elements out of the sandwich? A turkey just sitting turkey on bread.
Andy
Jeremy's wife is Dairy free. And I love cooking, and we have them over all the time. I respect for her just now. Of course you did. Yeah.
Jason
Is this.
Producer/Assistant
It's not by choice.
Mike
Okay, okay, okay.
Andy
This is for.
Producer/Assistant
She vomits if she has dairy free.
Mike
Oh, that bad. It's not just, like, respect, respect. A few stankers.
Producer/Assistant
No. She'll be up all night puking.
Andy
No, I, I, I love that.
Jason
Is this her whole life?
Mike
I've lost respect.
Producer/Assistant
It existed her whole life. She didn't discover what it was until we're together.
Mike
How long has the vomiting been going on?
Producer/Assistant
Since she had a child.
Andy
Since she had.
Mike
Oh, this was like a physiological. Physiological.
Producer/Assistant
Something changed after Michael Scott.
Jason
But your kid's fine. Your kids hammering the cheese.
Producer/Assistant
Oh, he loves it.
Andy
But I will say, man, cheese is good. It's funny because, you know, it's like, okay, well, I like cooking. I cook for the Granthams when they come over. This is a frequent thing. And now for the. This is the last, like, year or two that she's been dairy free now. And I'm always like, oh, I'll just make something dairy free. And I.
Jason
It's hard.
Andy
It's so impossible. I'm like, oh, no, I'll do a steak. No problem. It's just meat. I'm like, oh, shoot. I based that at the end, I always put the butter and the garlic, and then you baste it. You can't do that.
Jason
I bought my. My daughter asked for some chips, so I just bought a bunch of different Pringles, except for the cheese Pringles. Like, the one of them is a cheese Pringle with cheese powder. And then it's like, oh, this is worse than milk in some situations. We looked it up this morning.
Producer/Assistant
You would be surprised. Like, hamburger buns. So many hamburger buns have milk in them.
Jason
Oh, man, milk and cheese is so good. Like, that's one of those things where I'd be like, I would have to be at the point of vomiting to quit. Like, if you told me I'm gonna be in a decent amount of pain. I mean, Mike does this all the time.
Mike
Oh, yeah, Mike, Mike.
Andy
Mike has. He'll take one for his own team.
Mike
I am most certainly lactose intolerant.
Andy
Guys.
Jason
Mike's Tum Tum is a sensitive boy,
Andy
and he does not care.
Mike
I have the problems where I'm like, Mac and cheese, I accept.
Jason
Yeah. It's so mind over matter. How's that work?
Mike
Cost of admission is a knock.
Jason
I'm doing the pickle. I'm not getting rid of cheese.
Andy
I mean, we are obviously doing that because we enjoy pickles. And I'm not getting rid of. I mean, if I think about. Pizza's gone. Cheeseburgers are ruined.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Mac and cheese.
Jason
I'll eat this macadilla.
Andy
I'll eat the nachos, lasagnas, everything. Mozzarellas.
Jason
Everything good in the world.
Mike
A pickle spear is not that big. Right.
Andy
The spear.
Mike
Because it's the triangle.
Jason
I'll tell you right now. You know what's really good?
Andy
Yeah, that's right.
Jason
A spear of pickle. Like a pickle with cheddar cheese. Sure.
Andy
What are you saying?
Jason
Unbelievably delicious.
Andy
You're saying put cheddar cheese on the pickle?
Jason
Absolutely.
Mike
Why would you not do that?
Andy
I've never thought of it. And it sounds.
Mike
Give it a rip. I will rip it.
Andy
That sounds disgusting. I will rip it.
Jason
A slight. A piece of cheese and a bite of a pickle. Eat them together.
Andy
Are you talking like craft singles here?
Jason
No, no, no. You want cheddar. It's actually special with cheddar.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
We'll see if the people agree at all. Probably not. All right. Do we have time for another one, Al? Is Mike winning with the Nancy cheese, by the way? Which one are you doing?
Mike
No, I'll eat a pickle.
Jason
Okay.
Andy
I wish this happened. In fact, I think you could learn something that you love. This really goes into all of what we just talked about is a real life situation with my son, my youngest, Isaac, years ago. This is a long time ago. This is like five years ago, maybe. Maybe even longer than that. He was very young. Seven years ago, he got. Thank you. Yes. Seven years ago.
Mike
Eight.
Andy
No, we'll go seven.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
He got in trouble. I don't remember what it was for. He got in big trouble. And we were not going to ground him. We were not. We were. We were kind of running out of punishments for whatever this issue was. And so my punishment for him was he. I was going to forget. Force him to eat pickles. That was his punishment. It was like torture for him. Pickles were.
Jason
You were going to go cruel and unusual.
Andy
Cruel and unusual.
Jason
Definitely unusual.
Andy
Some might say abusive. The way that I sat him down and said, you are grounded from everything until you eat these pickles. You're not allowed to leave until I took one pickle out of the fridge.
Jason
And this is how you get super dad. This thing right here.
Andy
Yeah. Learn.
Jason
Just double checking.
Andy
Sliced them up, and I put, like, five slices of pickles, said, you have to eat those. And he Ate one. And it was so funny because in that moment, he fell in love with pickles.
Mike
True story.
Andy
He loves pickles now. He hated them before that, but he showed me with his punishment. Is his favorite punishment of all time because it turned out to be a treat. He's like, oh, these are good.
Jason
Do we gotta do this to my.
Andy
Then he had me make him more pickles. Like, I think it was, like, really to show me up. It was like, when the punishment was over, it's like, I want more.
Mike
Not realize he could have just kept the con go.
Jason
Yeah, that would have been the way to do it.
Mike
Like, oh, no, dad, whatever you do,
Andy
don't punish me with my favorite. Oh, yeah, yeah. That would have been wise. Yeah. So punish Mike with pickles, and then he'll love him. Okay.
Mike
I mean, I'm older, you know? Like, I used to hate mustard. I like mustard now. Things have changed. I'm. That's why I'm saying I'm open to be wrong about it. I just have a feeling I will eat because I don't do zucchini either.
Andy
Oh, zucchini is disgusting garbage. It's mushy nonsense, and there's no way to redeem it. There is no cooking it or cutting.
Mike
Like, I don't like zucchini. I don't like cucumbers, just all of those.
Andy
I'm okay with cucumber. But I will say this. I want you to try pickle again in the near future, okay? But do me a favor and ask permission for the pickle from me, because not all pickles are created equal. And I don't want you to try a bad pickle. I don't want you to be like, this is a soggy nasty.
Mike
Just. Just get a pickle here.
Andy
Okay, then. Then look, Matt's willing to do this. It's got to be the cold stored clawson pickles. Not a sponsor.
Mike
The best pickles are these whole pickles or these slices.
Andy
Oh, they sell them in all kinds of ways.
Mike
But what am I supposed to go
Andy
with, like, a spear? I think that's the way. Or the small. I like the small whole ones. Those are my favorite.
Producer/Assistant
The little baby dills.
Andy
Little baby dills.
Producer/Assistant
Yeah, those are good.
Andy
I love pickles.
Mike
Pete from X does a lot of pickle chow.
Jason
Would you rather have a rapid series of five sneezes every single time someone says your name, Jason? Or get the hiccups, Mike, for 10 minutes every time someone touches you, intentionally or unintentionally?
Andy
What is this question?
Jason
It seems like a Stupid question. For a really sophisticated show like ours,
Andy
there's a really big problem in. In marriage here.
Mike
There's a.
Andy
This, this is.
Mike
Would you rather jump off a bridge?
Andy
I mean, or just have hiccups or sneezes? I think sneezes are five sneezes last the equivalent of 10 seconds to, you know, a sneeze every two seconds. So I don't have people actually use my name that often. I mean, at the beginning of every show you say follow Jason on.
Mike
We would all weaponize.
Jason
Everybody.
Producer/Assistant
Sneezes are not the same at Jason Moore.
Andy
Yeah, no, I know.
Jason
Everybody's sneezes are different. Like my. When I sneeze, it feels like I'm going through like a little earthquake. Like, I get a headache.
Andy
Really?
Mike
Oh, I sneeze big now.
Jason
Yeah, big sneeze. Hashtag. You don't know big sneeze Mike, though. But the hiccups thing is a real. Like, he has a hiccup.
Mike
I have had multiple times in my life where I've had like a 30 plus minute bout of the hiccups.
Jason
This is true.
Mike
It. If I can't explain how terrible it is because you're just. It's the stupidest feeling of they hurt. You can't stop them. And you're like, body. What are you doing?
Jason
None of the tricks work for you, right?
Mike
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
Jason
You've been scared.
Mike
Oh. To startle it out of you. I mean, that one's a little harder because I can't startle myself.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Is there anything that the little sips
Andy
of water is what usually helps me.
Jason
Any reason why the hiccups begin?
Mike
I have actually where I have found. Oh, crap. That it was something about, like, when I. When I'm coughing.
Andy
You can cough yourself the hiccups.
Mike
Yeah. Like, it just. Cause it freaks out Mike.
Jason
So when you riddled.
Mike
No, I'm saying it's not every cough. It's like.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
I can't even explain it.
Jason
But no, we've seen Mike. We've seen Mike with the hiccups not stopping for 30 minutes.
Andy
10 minutes of hiccups is so much longer than you think.
Mike
Yes.
Andy
When you get hiccups and for two minutes you feel like it lasts forever because it's so annoying. And when you have the hiccups, I feel like you can't concentrate on anything else. Your life is over until you rectify the hiccup situation. Because the entire time between hiccups, I'm just like focusing on. I'm going to get rid of this Next one. Yeah, it doesn't happen. It's 10 minutes.
Mike
Betrayal of your body for the hiccups. I feel like going that long.
Jason
The worst hiccup attacks I've ever had have been related to consuming too much custard. Very specific, very specifically custard. I don't know if it's the eggs that are mixed into custard, but I can remember I went through a phase where I. What's that? Is it Rita's?
Andy
Oh, yeah, I went through.
Jason
So I was starting to hammer, you know, very small quantities of Rita's.
Andy
That's what they call. I was hammering back custard.
Jason
That's right. But basically, yeah, I mean, I would get these massive painful. They wouldn't last 30 minutes, thank goodness.
Andy
But yeah, my hiccups are very painful and usually libation related.
Jason
Sure.
Andy
That's the one thing that does happen.
Jason
All right, we'll take a break. We'll jump into the situation room.
Mike
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Jason
What's up, spit wads? People keep asking about my 2026 resolutions. And I've got the usual goals, you know, like read. Read a bunch of books, you know, that type of thing. Keep yourself in shape. But I got a new one at the top of my list. It is get comfy. And that is where Bombas comes in. They're bringing serious comfort to all of your everyday go tos. Maybe this is the year you take up running or tennis or in my case, play more pickleball. And I've been Wearing the all new Bombas sport socks. And they are perfect and they are perfectly comfortable. They're sweat wicking and cushioned where you need them most. They keep you comfy and locked in. And they've also got you covered with the comfiest everyday footwear imaginable. Look, I love all of my Bombas products. All of my socks. So comfortable. An actual noticeable difference. And they've got the Sunday slippers. They got all sorts of great stuff. Head over to bombus.com spitballers and use the code spitballers for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O m b a s.com spitballers code spitballers at checkout. You're going to love it. All right, we're jumping in.
Andy
The situation realm.
Jason
All right, guys, it is time for us to do what we do best, which is fix other people's situate situations. Our first one here, Maddie from the website. A streaming company approaches you and offers you $200,000 to let them live stream your entire life 247 for three months.
Mike
So Jason's finally getting paid for what
Jason
he thinks has already happened.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
You cannot turn the camera. Just normal guys can't turn the cameras off. You can't pause or hide.
Andy
Okay?
Jason
Your friends, family, boss and co workers all know that it's happening.
Andy
Of course they do.
Jason
Do you take it? And what's the thing you think you're most dreading people seeing? I have questions.
Mike
This is a trap.
Andy
Nice try.
Mike
Nice rap me.
Andy
Nice try. You know, if you're gonna give up 200,000 cause you got a big secret to keep. You're not giving it away with a question about it. It's the body in my basement. I hope they don't fall. Shoot, I said it like. Come on.
Mike
My first question you would totally catch
Jason
me is the bathroom blurred out in this broadcast. Let me start there.
Andy
Well, it does say showering and bathroom cameras off. Hide or pause. So yes.
Jason
Wait, it's pause.
Mike
No, you cannot.
Andy
No, you cannot. So yes, the duties are seen.
Jason
I mean, I'm not getting violation. Yeah. I'm not going to take 200 grand to be naked on screen.
Andy
Yeah, if I were you, I would
Producer/Assistant
agree with while you're actively using the restroom or actively showering.
Jason
Okay.
Producer/Assistant
So it's like you can't just go in there and hide.
Jason
It's like sim blurring.
Andy
It's censored.
Producer/Assistant
Yeah, yeah, they'll blur it and they'll mute the audio for the toilet time.
Jason
Okay.
Mike
Bro, I'm just 247 nude in my house. Then.
Jason
Oh, to get blurred out.
Mike
Oh, it's just all blurry again.
Andy
No one's watching. Get my 200 grand.
Jason
Oh, my God.
Andy
Walking down the street.
Mike
Look, it's a lot of money, but no.
Andy
What? 200,000 for three months. I could be good for three months
Mike
just showering fully clothed.
Andy
It feels like. This question is so silly. This question is like, what's wrong with you?
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
How do we see it?
Mike
Do you want.
Jason
Did you say you're taking it? The 200k?
Mike
Did you take this huge money and then tell us your deepest, darkest secrets?
Andy
Three months? I. I don't know. I mean, if you're blurred and you're not, like, actually, like the intimate times of your life are.
Mike
They're there. Everything, it just.
Andy
I mean, the knowledge of it happening would be there, but the visual of it happening would not be there. Right. That's what we're.
Jason
People go on Survivor, people go on Big Brother, but that's all.
Mike
It gets edited.
Andy
But still it gets edited.
Jason
Seen by somebody.
Andy
Yeah. The cameras are there at all times. I think I could do this. I think I could do three months for $200,000.
Mike
It's a long time.
Jason
Three months is a while.
Andy
Three months is a while.
Mike
But, yeah, I'm sure we could all make it.
Andy
It's just. What? It's a three month experience. And honestly, I think it would be. I think you'd learn a lot about yourself through that process.
Jason
Do you think we would all behave better if we thought someone.
Andy
Yes, I was watching 100 treat your
Producer/Assistant
wife better, Treat your kids better.
Andy
I think everyone. That's why I said I can make it three months. I can be good for three months. Because you'll have to be perfect for three months. You just have to look, you know, you can't have any of your, your bad moments because everybody has bad moments. And you just.
Jason
You do.
Andy
Yeah, I'm okay. I'm the one that has from time to time bad moments. Yeah.
Jason
But I won't ask my wife's friends about me.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
I'm the best super husband. Yeah. I think maybe you're right, Al. Maybe people just. Maybe it'd be good. Maybe it'll be like those. Maybe we could do it with like fake cameras anyways and just trick people into the fact that they're being watched and then they'll behave better. Tyson from Patreon. An alien ship. Okay. This is the kind of situation we're better.
Andy
This is the real ones. Yeah.
Jason
An alien ship lands and the aliens say they Will only communicate with three representatives from Earth. Somehow. Obviously not somehow. Obviously.
Andy
What in the world is somehow?
Jason
We've been chosen.
Andy
Obviously.
Jason
One of you must greet them. One of you must give them a gift representing humanity. And one must explain what humans are, who does what and how did the first content go?
Mike
Explain what humans are.
Andy
Yeah, just tell the story of humanity.
Jason
This is pretty. Jason cannot be doing the gift. I don't care which of the other ones he does. He can't do the gift.
Andy
No, no, because give him something nice. Give him a bidet.
Jason
That's what I'm talking about. That is exactly. Because you're gonna filter. You filter your gifts like you filter your draft picks, things that you like.
Andy
Yeah, well, of course.
Jason
And you just assume alien species will be exactly in sync with you. I mean, you're not giving the gift.
Mike
They have waste.
Andy
They've got a poop.
Mike
Yeah, you don't know.
Jason
They can't self cleaning.
Andy
That's true. They could. We should really have evolved that. You know what I mean? Like just some, like real much more clean process of.
Jason
Maybe it's the bad food reading. I think if you eat good food, maybe the process is pretty clean.
Andy
Yeah. You think Taco Bell requires a bidet?
Jason
I think Taco Bell is one of those. Like best if eaten with a bidet nearby.
Andy
Okay, so one of us has to give a bay. I think you're the greeter, Jason.
Jason
Mike can't be the greeter.
Mike
Oh, I cannot.
Jason
They would declare war.
Mike
Intergalactic war.
Andy
No, Mike is out on that one. You're saying I'm out on the gift. Who explains who humans are?
Mike
No, don't let me do that.
Andy
So that means you're giving the gift. Yeah. So what would you give as.
Mike
I will give them the gift of song. Oh, I love it.
Andy
That's actually good. You'd write them a song.
Mike
Yeah, dude.
Jason
So wait.
Andy
All right, that's a great gift.
Jason
Does that mean I have to explain
Andy
to you that's better than a bidet? I think you're explaining humanity.
Jason
I'm the one doing.
Andy
I know I'm usually the Jason Explains, but I think we should do an Andy Explains. In fact, Al, why don't you hit the button for Jason Explains? But we're gonna do Andy. Jason explains in 60 seconds. Explain humanity. Go.
Mike
Oh, gosh.
Jason
It's a whole bunch of people living in a society, humans. And we've done lots of good, lots of bad, lots of. We built some pretty cool stuff that nobody thought we could build. We. We've blown up Some stuff we shouldn't have blown up. We're best when we're, like, nice to each other. And knives. No, nice when we're nice to each other.
Andy
All right, better.
Jason
And we came up with this really cool thing called podcasts that anybody could do at a low barrier of entry. And that's kind of our pinnacle accomplishment in this world. And this one's the best one of all of them.
Mike
I mean.
Andy
Oh, you did that in 30 seconds.
Jason
So.
Mike
Yeah, there's other podcasts for the end.
Jason
Yeah. I mean, some do self cleaning, butthole aliens do, but
Mike
just, like, explain what humans are.
Andy
We're sacks of meat.
Mike
Yeah. Like, we're. We're mammals.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
I mean, that's a tough one.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
I don't care. I just have to greet them. Get a hearty handshake in there.
Mike
How are you going in?
Andy
Oh, a hearty handshake.
Mike
Wait, hold on.
Jason
You're not dapping them up.
Mike
Yeah, we go and dap. We go in hand.
Andy
We're going.
Mike
Creed. Going arms wide open for a big hug.
Andy
No way. I'm going one hand extended. And I'm going to make sure I win that shake.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
I'm going to have the power shake. My hand will be on top.
Mike
First impressions?
Andy
Absolutely. I will make sure that this alien is weaker than me.
Mike
What if your hand gets just.
Andy
Just obliterated?
Jason
Just explodes?
Andy
Smeared? Then I will know what we're dealing with. That's the upside here. Everybody run. Don't give him the gift of song. He does not deserve it. Give me to a hospital.
Mike
Grip strength cannot be trifled with.
Andy
They can open every jar of pickles.
Jason
All right, we solved that one. Do you have a preference on one of these next two album? I haven't read anything.
Mike
I bet they're all give us money to do something.
Producer/Assistant
Let's go in the order they're in the doc.
Jason
Liam from Patreon. A man approaches you and hands you a phone.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
On the screen is your bank account with an extra 5,000.
Mike
Oh, yeah.
Andy
Hey, Bingo.
Mike
Go on. What terrible thing do we have to do for all this money?
Jason
With an extra $500,000 deposited, okay, he says it's yours to keep. But for the next year, you must answer every single phone call you receive. Every spam call, robocall, every wrong number. You must stay on the line for a minimum of three minutes each time. You're not allowed to explain to anyone else why you're doing this. So if you rudely answer a call in the middle of an important meeting, you can offer no explanation.
Andy
This is awesome. I would love.
Jason
Wait, so if they hang up.
Mike
Yeah.
Producer/Assistant
If it's a wrong number, you got to somehow keep them on the line for three.
Jason
So one hang up ruins the money.
Andy
Correct. Oh.
Jason
Even if they get bad signal, there's no bad side.
Producer/Assistant
There's no. You're not going to lose any money if you fail the challenge. But you might be, you know, six months into it, and there's no way
Mike
you're going to make it.
Jason
What do you mean you're not going to lose? If you're six months in and that happens, don't they take the money back? Right.
Producer/Assistant
I'm saying you're not going to.
Jason
That seems like a loss.
Andy
I feel like we lost that money.
Mike
It was already depoted, so.
Producer/Assistant
Well, yeah, you're losing what was given to you, but you're not losing anything from your original.
Jason
Oh, no, I'm losing a lot, brother. And it's the. I'm concerned about the calls that the dropouts and the bad. The bad areas.
Andy
Okay. That can't be. That can't be part of. Are you saying that if. If.
Jason
If you're driving through the mountains, if
Andy
both humans, neither one of them ever hang up, but a call is just dropped because technology fails that I lose this test.
Producer/Assistant
We can eliminate.
Andy
Okay. If that's eliminated, I'm in. I would not.
Producer/Assistant
We'll say it fails the challenge if somebody hangs up in the first three minutes.
Andy
Now, I will say this. We do several podcast recordings, and that means, you know, look, I screen calls during this time, but I would no longer be able to. We'd have to.
Jason
You have to take a call.
Andy
I'd have to take every single call.
Jason
That would become entertaining, though, because you'd like speakerphone.
Andy
I would have so much fun with this every now and then. It's not common. Usually I screen every, you know, incoming spam call or even just a number that I don't have in my phone book. But every now and then, I'm in a saucy mood and I answer and I'm.
Jason
We know. We've been watching Truman Show.
Andy
Yeah. And. Right. So you've seen.
Jason
We've seen your saucy moods, and it's
Andy
like, I just like playing along with these people and just like, oh, yeah, is that. Tell me more about your great. You gotta be kidding me. Yeah.
Jason
Is there a technique? Like, could you literally just say you think you can get away with, like, starting the conversation being like, oh, hold on one second. I cannot wait to talk to you. Give Me Just a second. And then you could like walk away. I think like two or three minutes.
Andy
I think if you do that for the entire time, you will lose one of those.
Mike
I think you could buy maybe 30 seconds.
Andy
Yeah.
Producer/Assistant
Keep in mind, Jay, if you do do that, Andy and Mike don't. I did say doo doo. Andy and Mike don't know why you're doing it. You can't offer up that explanation. You're just rudely answering the phone in
Andy
the middle of the.
Jason
And then we're like in the middle of talking to you, and you answer it and we're like, what the heck?
Andy
No, hold on. I have to get this real quick. Sorry, guys.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
Boom. Done. Easy. I'll do. I mean, I don't get called. Three minutes, Jay. Yeah, I'll be right back and I'll. I'll unplug, I'll leave the room and.
Jason
No, the nice thing is we're not live. I know what you do. You'll be like, I got a poop.
Andy
Yeah. Oh, I gotta take a.
Jason
Then you're just talking in there. One more Ryland from the website. Your local wizard has come to you with an opt in opportunity.
Mike
I bet it's money related.
Jason
I bet it is too. You're told that you have to survive an entire three hour Thanksgiving get together with your extended family.
Andy
Okay, that's.
Jason
But everything you say must rhyme.
Andy
Oh, man.
Jason
If you break the rhyme at any point, you lose $15,000. Why do you think we're so motivated by money, Al?
Producer/Assistant
Yeah, it's not me, it's the people.
Jason
If you.
Producer/Assistant
This one. You actually lose money out of your account if you accept the challenge and lose, though.
Jason
So if you break rhyme, you do the time? Is that what you're saying?
Producer/Assistant
You think that's what I'm saying?
Mike
You think I can't go to a three hour. He's not going to try my extended family and say zero words. You think I can't do that?
Jason
Have you ever tried to pull that off?
Mike
I mean, not. I've never challenged myself to zero words,
Jason
but what do you think your minimum words per Thanksgiving is? What's your words per Thanksgiving on average, man?
Mike
Thanksgiving in particular?
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Outrageously low. Wow, there is.
Jason
So what do people.
Andy
You don't. You do you get with family on Thanksgiving?
Mike
No. No, not anymore. I can't believe it, bro. You know what I do. I've told you.
Andy
I know. You go to Jack in the box, whatever, but I thought you also have like a get together with family that you attend.
Mike
No, I Put the football on. And I watch football all day long.
Jason
I thought people came over.
Mike
They used to. Yeah, I got rid of that.
Jason
Take this podcast. Every time, Mike, we're just learning. Like, so when you were getting together, did people just think, like, what do you think they would have said about you? Like, if you have a cousin that came to the Thanksgiving, you know, we all. We all grew up with different family members, extended family members. Oh, there's my second cousin, my, you know, my great uncle. What? Right when they go home and they go, oh, you see Mike was there.
Mike
They go, yeah, he's looking a little puffier. Then I think they just. They wouldn't because you just make yourself invisible.
Jason
You don't think they'd be like, he never says anything.
Mike
They might say that the puffy guy never says anything.
Andy
Can't you just make, like, one rhyme, talking about how you've lost your voice? You know, like, one.
Mike
My choice. Yeah, right.
Andy
Exactly. And then, boom, done. Everyone explains, we can. We can conquer.
Mike
But to not, like, try and skirt the rules is like three hours of rhyme.
Jason
I have throat cancer.
Andy
Exactly.
Mike
No, then. Oh, you don't say. You're going to get all sorts of attention.
Andy
No, you just keep repeating that one line for three hours.
Jason
I'm sorry.
Mike
I can't answer trying to rhyme for three hours.
Jason
I'm ravaged with throat cancer.
Andy
It would be tough.
Mike
What's our. What's our. I am pentameter here. What's the. What's the rhyme scheme?
Andy
I just.
Mike
Aabb.
Jason
Whatever my cancer joke was.
Andy
Yeah, we're AABB here. It's. It's. It's one line, then rhyme. See?
Jason
Oh, my gosh. I've got enough money here. I've got. From all these situations.
Andy
Yeah, you accumulated enough. $500,000 from your phone calls.
Jason
Thank you.
Andy
$200,000 from people watching you poop.
Jason
Right?
Andy
You don't need 15 grand.
Jason
No, no, you guys got to forget. We should have a spitballers bank account, because if you could add it up, like, if AI could go back through and figure out how much money we've earned, we're way too. You need to up the ante for our Spitballers money.
Mike
We are. We are estranged people.
Jason
Just add zeros and we'll be motivated. Okay.
Mike
We just want to know what. What will you do that you don't want to do for money?
Jason
That's really. Because we don't. Al doesn't come up with these people send these things.
Mike
Stop. Leave us alone.
Andy
We'll do anything.
Jason
All right? We'll Take a break. We'll draft.
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Andy
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Jason
Well, guys, we are. We finally got to this draft. We've been dying to do this forever. The best juices.
Andy
Oh, yeah. I'm taking steroids. No, that's not what we're talking about. What? My list is ruined.
Jason
We're talking about juices that which feels like them.
Mike
Someone calling steroids juicy orange juice is like. That's even funnier.
Andy
I love juice. I'm a big juice guy. Start the morning off every morning with a juice. Juices. Yeah.
Jason
When you were a kid, I felt like. I mean, my house growing up, I don't know if I ever drank water now. My parents did not comprehend the sugar content I was consuming. But because of that and because of whatever marketing big juice did, I mean, I had apple juice constantly. I drank squeezes apple juice, that type of stuff. Squeezes apple juice. Juice boxes. Some sugary drink at all times. Grape juice. I mean, white grape juice.
Andy
Whoa, whoa. Don't ruin the list. Let's not give away trade secrets on Tuesday.
Jason
Okay, so in that. In that situation. Mike. Yeah. You're first. I just feel like we all graduate from juices and then all of a sudden juices are weird to get right.
Andy
Juices are much more like.
Jason
They're less delicious.
Andy
No, they're great. But we under. Here's what happens when you drink juices. As a kid, you're fine. When you drink juices as a 40 year old, you're fat. So tired and metabolizing like it just. It's not good for you.
Mike
No.
Jason
And then they figured that out. It's not good for kids either, but. So you got a low sugar Versions of stuff. Yeah, but Mike, you get the first pick. I honestly, I hate being at number three. I feel like there are two.
Andy
Yeah, there's two.
Mike
There's two big.
Jason
There's two big ones. But I don't.
Andy
I don't know if you want to even go with that or you just want to go with your favorite.
Mike
I'm taking the one.
Andy
Yeah, I tried. I wanted orange juice.
Jason
I really.
Mike
I will take orange juice.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
It's not the best juice.
Andy
No. But it's the most popular juice. What were you saying?
Jason
35 to 40% of all juice sales is orange juice.
Mike
I mean, I would say orange juice is probably the second best.
Jason
That one makes sense because that's the one juice. Whereas in an adult, it is normal and acceptable.
Mike
Yeah, you can have orange juice for breakfast.
Jason
For breakfast. That's normal. It's like if you go someplace, even if you go through a drive through, they'll be like, what do you want? You want the orange juice? It comes with orange juice. You got to switch it out.
Mike
Do you want immediate heartburn?
Jason
Right.
Andy
This is where we've talked about.
Jason
Have I told this story about my dad before?
Mike
My dad, the amount of cheese he consumes.
Jason
No. He gets up in the middle of the night and has a glass of orange juice and goes back to bed. Like I'm talking. You wake up at 2am you're like, I'm kind of bebopping around the house. Walks out to the kitchen, pours himself a tall glass of oj. Drinks the entire glass of oj. Ah, time for bed.
Mike
And then goes into the chair. Because you can't possibly.
Jason
It's fine.
Mike
You can't lay down after a glass of orange juice.
Jason
I can't. My 70 year old dad can.
Andy
How.
Mike
How strong is his valve?
Jason
I don't. Yeah, he's got a strong valve.
Mike
Like mine is just corroded. Barely hanging on.
Andy
Maybe the valve that doesn't let me burp also keeps me safe from these things. Like it's. Nothing's coming up.
Mike
You never reflux?
Andy
Not really, no. I can drink orange juice, no problem. Do you ever afford it, though? You go to McDonald's now and you're like, these prices. No, really. If you're like, you get it. You get a, like a breakfast meal, but then you're like, change to orange juice. It's like five bucks.
Mike
The way that fast food is now with number one. I mean, I. Whatever, McDonald's this. Are you gonna be ordering with the app?
Andy
Oh, I know.
Mike
Shut up.
Jason
Oh, that's.
Mike
I Don't want to talk about the app.
Jason
It's not a person either. It's a robot that does.
Mike
No, but. And then.
Andy
Which is even worse.
Mike
But then I found out that my wife has been using the app and saving so much money.
Jason
Oh, really?
Mike
Oh, yeah.
Jason
Oh, give me the tips.
Mike
It's just you, the app, the app. You get coupons and then you automatically just save money.
Jason
So you say yes.
Mike
Yeah. And then you give. When you're at the drive thru, you just, you give your code and then it. That's how they sink it. So it's not that the tech is bad, it's just annoying of.
Andy
Dude, every.
Mike
I'm super old man right now, but everything needing an individualized app, I'm just. You're over it. I am. I went to sign up my kids on a football team and they're like, hey, we're running a.
Jason
We're doing, you know, one of the 5,000.
Mike
We're doing a fundraiser. Well, yeah. First off, I was like, hey, we communicate on Team Snap. We also use Slack. We also share all the video on Huddle. And they're like, hey, we're going to do a fundraiser. And I'm like, okay, fine, I'll go sign up for your fundraiser.
Jason
Better.
Andy
You got to get the app.
Mike
No, No, I don't. Man, I'm so over having 50,000 accounts.
Jason
I think you have some things to talk about at Thanksgiving, Mike. That's what I just figured out.
Mike
Oh, Orange juice, the number one pick.
Jason
Jason, you are up next.
Andy
Number two, I mean, I'm obviously going apple juice because it is the number one of the juices as far as most delicious, best juice. Like, it's better than orange juice. Apple juice is fantastic. The problem is it is so sweet. And I think, I think really, if apple juice had vitamin C, they could have big marketing, which it does not. Like. Orange juice, when you think of orange juice has sales because of this vitamin C. Like, oh, yeah, this is healthy, man. Neither one is healthy even remotely healthy. Orange juice and apple juice, it might.
Jason
There's gotta be something 34 times the vitamin C of apple juice.
Mike
There's gotta be something good in a smaller amount of orange juice.
Jason
Absolutely.
Andy
I disagree.
Mike
I think that you're getting a lot of vitamins.
Jason
Absolutely. I mean, if you go take an orange off the tree.
Andy
Oh, yeah.
Jason
This is the thing. This is the advantage of orange juice to a degree. Right. You can go take an orange off the tree and then you can make juice out of it. You don't have to add sugar. You Just drink it.
Andy
If you're literally juicing an orange, sure. Let me. Let me tell you the big box that's in the last. Or sugared up, let's say 10,000 times you've drank orange juice. How many of those were from a orange you got off a tree?
Mike
And juice.
Jason
I mean, I don't drink a lot of orange juice because of the heartburn problem.
Andy
But my point is the orange juice that is consumed is just.
Jason
Yeah. I don't. This is why I don't like being the number three pick.
Andy
Yeah. Because orange juice and apple juice are the best.
Jason
And then. So I'm going to go lemonade.
Mike
That was lemonade.
Jason
I'm going to go lemonade.
Mike
Lemonade is easily the 102. Apple juice with lemonade on the board.
Jason
Yeah, lemonade is lemon. I mean, we call it apple juice when you take apples and sugar and add it. But we call it lemonade when you take lemons and sugar.
Andy
And lemon juice is like just the stuff that scars you. And.
Jason
Yeah. We're not drinking. Yeah, sugar's involved.
Mike
Lemonade is. And you can drink lemonade as a grownup. It's not a problem.
Andy
We don't sell lemonade is more acceptable.
Jason
We don't sell orange juice on the corner. We don't sell apple juice on the corner.
Andy
We don't have orange juice stands.
Jason
No. So lemonade is the one. And then this is where it goes really sideways, because I don't. I feel like there's other options here. I'm just gonna go with the one that I think is delicious, that I think is very good for breakfast, instead of orange juice that I think is. It can be good for you. Not necessarily the way that Ocean Spray would have you use it, but I'm going to go cranberry juice.
Andy
Yay.
Mike
You're going with the bog fruit.
Andy
Yes.
Jason
Going with cranberry juice.
Andy
I was worried because, look, when we. When we do this, there's 12 things that will be selected, and we're going to. We're going to get to a place
Mike
here where cranberry is very high up the list.
Andy
Cranberry is very high up the list. It's a common juice. I hate cranberry juice. Really disgusting.
Jason
Have you just not really had the right wine? You don't like the one?
Andy
You're saying I haven't had enough sugar in mine?
Jason
Yes, probably.
Andy
Oh, fresh. Because cranberries are.
Mike
Yeah. Disgusting.
Andy
Yeah, they're. I'm not a fan, but I knew that at some point cranberry juice is good.
Jason
I might be forced to think I
Andy
might have to draft.
Jason
Cranberry juice is awesome.
Andy
Yeah, Awful. I agree. It's really good. Now this is easy because there's. To me, there are three. There's three that are great. The third one is every bit as good as apple juice and orange juice. Nowhere near as common. It's not ubiquitous.
Jason
What?
Andy
Grape juice is awesome. Grape juice is, I think, maybe better than the other two. Grape juice is perfect.
Jason
First of all, four have been drafted. Stop throwing cranberry out the window.
Andy
Yeah, that doesn't count. Cranberries.
Jason
Awful. Grape juice is good. Grape juice is the most kid drink of all of the juices.
Andy
I would agree with that. It feels like I'm not supposed to drink grape juice.
Jason
Grape juice is the most, like, iconic kid juice of the.
Mike
No, that's apple.
Jason
No, I don't think so.
Andy
They're very close. They're very straight.
Jason
One's purple. Mike. It's like bright colors.
Mike
It's. When you get a kid's meal, there's not grape juice. It's apple juice. It's always apple.
Andy
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's not common because it's not like
Jason
I feel like it's the most kids juice.
Andy
I understand what you're saying. I don't think you're an idiot for saying that.
Jason
Was that the 101 for you alone?
Producer/Assistant
No, the 101 for beast. Not drafted yet.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
Wow.
Jason
So. But you agreed with me.
Mike
Don't worry.
Producer/Assistant
I do agree.
Mike
I got you covered, big guy.
Jason
Mike, you've got two picks.
Mike
Pineapple juice.
Andy
Ah, that is his.
Jason
That's not drinkable at quantity.
Andy
That's not
Mike
a great pick.
Andy
Yeah, that's a great pick.
Jason
I thought you were going to pineapple juice, though. You cannot put down 16 ounces of pineapple juice.
Mike
You can't.
Andy
That's the problem. You can't.
Producer/Assistant
Matt, go to the store and get me some pineapple juice.
Jason
Okay. The average person, I feel like it's so concentratedly sweet. I love pineapples. I love pineapple juice. But I feel like that is a mixer.
Mike
Yeah, you can't.
Jason
When do you crack open? No. Kids are drinking pineapple juice at school. It's too sweet for kids.
Mike
I can put down a bigger glass of orange juice than I can pineapple juice. I would.
Jason
I mean, I would assume legitimately. Is there anybody that drinks pineapple juice casually?
Mike
Not frequently.
Jason
I know you do, Al. I know you do. I'm just saying, like, I've never seen a kid pop open A can of pineapple juice or get a juice box with pineapple juice. I'm not saying it's not delicious. And heck, if you throw some coconut in there and you make it a pina colada, I'm gonna drink it all day long.
Andy
Pineapple juice is probably the best of all the juice.
Jason
It's very versatile.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
I just don't think you can drink the quantities I want to drink. That's all I'm saying. Mike, you got another pick.
Mike
Not as common, but I have had it, and it's out there. I'm gonna go with cherry juice.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
Cherry tart.
Jason
Cherry.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Oh, really? Yeah. I want it tart.
Jason
It's tart. Cherry juice.
Mike
I want it.
Jason
I feel like that one is legit. Good for you.
Mike
I want to take a sip and you go like, you. You can't get away with your.
Jason
And you get that with cranberry. A little bit.
Mike
A little bit? Yeah, a little bit. But the tart cherry is like your tongue fuses to the top of your mouth. And the only way too much for me.
Jason
Oh, I get what you said.
Mike
When you're like, that's like. That's there, you know?
Andy
Good. I like cherry juice. I add cherry juice to my old fashions, but I want the sweeter. I want, like, the. What are those?
Mike
Cherries.
Andy
They're really expensive.
Jason
Maraschino.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Where it's like, those are not even real.
Andy
The juice is like. It's not even juice. It's just syrup. Yeah.
Jason
It looks, like, sweet and sour. Yes.
Andy
Luxardo. Luxardo cherries. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah.
Mike
I would never have been able to help you.
Jason
This guy ping pongs between. I can't afford orange juice and McDonald's to the most luxurious cherry brand. Dude, who are you?
Andy
Cherries are so good.
Producer/Assistant
Have been a lot of, like, really fancy old fashions.
Jason
I bet they're more than five bucks.
Andy
All right, let's see here. Oh, man. We're so.
Jason
We're getting down to the.
Andy
We're getting down exactly. There's one left that I absolutely adore. Love it. I would draft it there, but I feel like you guys might not draft this and might not like it.
Jason
That's fine.
Andy
I'm just taking.
Mike
Who cares if we like it?
Andy
But my point is I could get it with my fourth pick that. I'm playing the game.
Mike
Do it. Play the game. Play the game.
Andy
I'm going to go with it because I love it, and I don't want one of you two to grab It. Tomato juice.
Jason
I knew you were going there.
Andy
It's great. I get like, when I fly in a plane a lot.
Mike
You got to get your.
Andy
I'll get a bloody Mary. Just the mix. Just the mix. I love it. It's like V8. V8 is great.
Mike
I've gotten down on the I had a time of my life.
Andy
I don't know why.
Mike
It's great for me, where I was loving V8.
Andy
I mean, not compared to everything else we're drafting.
Mike
How much is V8 spicy?
Andy
The least sugar is in V8.
Mike
Is that thing all sugared up?
Andy
Orange juice, pineapple juice, grape juice. V8 is barely sugar by comparison. By comparison. What's it at?
Jason
Eight grams per eight ounce serving. Oh, orange juice is like 20.
Andy
Yeah, okay. That's what I was going to say.
Jason
Tomato juice is just like an old man pick. I mean, that's fine at the place. I knew you would take it. No, I don't. I don't disagree. I'm going to take grapefruit juice. I'm going to take grapefruit.
Andy
I think grapefruit juice. Cranberry is amazing.
Jason
Grapefruit juice in the morning. I mean, that's that. You can get that at a restaurant. Almost 100% of the time, they'll have grapefruit juice. So I will go with that one. Can I take fruit punch? Sure. I don't care. Can I take a juice cocktail called fruit punch?
Andy
Yeah, I'll allow. I should have taken the last pick.
Jason
I'm gonna take fruit punch. So you agree that that's a good pick?
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
I never liked fruit punch.
Jason
When you mix down with it, multiple good things that taste good together and it tastes even gooder.
Mike
Yeah, but there's ways to do it. But that one never works if you're taking the punch. Never worked for me.
Jason
Oh, great.
Andy
That's why you gave it to me.
Jason
Oh, my God.
Andy
You're taking that.
Jason
Oh, boy. I can't wait to hear this.
Andy
Now, I got two options here. One of them I think you guys can shoot down. I'm going to shoot my shot. Sunny D is no. The best of all juices in the world.
Jason
No, because that opens up just orange juice.
Andy
That's what I knew was going to be shot down.
Mike
It's just.
Jason
So what's your pick? Purple.
Andy
Purple stuff. That's not juice. Neither is fruit.
Jason
No, you can't take. Otherwise this draft would have been for things like squeeze itself and I mean, squeeze it. I also asked if I could have fruit punch cocktail.
Mike
I mean, there's got to be. There's fruit in there, right?
Jason
In the fruit punch.
Mike
Yeah, you can.
Andy
Well, I would have. I would have rather find it. I would have rather had the purple stuff and Sunny D. They're delicious.
Jason
You did take purple stuff. You got grape juice.
Andy
Yeah. Okay, whatever.
Jason
What do you think's in purple stuff?
Andy
I'm gonna go with something that is absolutely disgusting. People love it, and it is actually healthy. It is. Oh, I know where you're going, actually. Good for you.
Mike
Yeah, yeah.
Andy
It's kind of sweet. I can't stand it. I, like, can't drink it. But carrot juice. Oh, carrot juice is healthy. It's common.
Jason
I thought you were going to take coconut water.
Andy
Is that juice?
Jason
I think technically it is. I mean, it's like that coconut. It's the same thing of lemonade is you're taking coconuts, and that's funny. Technically, they call it milk, though. Yes.
Producer/Assistant
Coconut water is considered a type of natural fruit juice.
Andy
Oh, yeah. I'll take coconut water.
Jason
You already took care of juice.
Mike
They're both gross.
Jason
I am finishing with tomato juice, and carrot juice is a choice. All right, you're up, Mike.
Mike
You got. So you got the mixture? I'm gonna take a mixture where it is. Because, look, we have apple, cranberry, but they're like. There's one. It's pog juice.
Jason
Oh, no, that's totally fair. That's an amazing pick.
Mike
It's very specific.
Jason
Oh, my gosh.
Andy
What is it?
Mike
Pomegranate orange, guava?
Jason
Yeah. Dude, that is such a good pick. That might be the 101 in legit juice taste.
Mike
It is very, very tasty.
Jason
It's so.
Mike
It gives you sugary. All of the flavors that you want.
Jason
Dang it, man.
Mike
Are involved in pog juice.
Jason
You own this draft. I mean, tart, cherry, tart cherry.
Andy
Start with orange juice. Not really fair.
Jason
Pog juice is the. That's the one on one of juices, legitimately.
Mike
Ah, there we go. I wasn't. I wasn't.
Jason
If you haven't had pog. No, that. I mean, it's. It's three mixed together. But it's common.
Producer/Assistant
It's.
Jason
It's a great pick, but.
Mike
Yeah. And you get to say pog.
Jason
Yeah, it's cool.
Mike
From Hawaii. Think about pogs.
Jason
The only other real. I mean, pomegranate juice was gonna be a pick just by itself.
Mike
I couldn't really get pog.
Andy
I was gonna go pomegranate.
Producer/Assistant
I think the pog juice is actually passion fruit.
Mike
Yeah. Oh, yes, yes.
Jason
But pomegranate was gonna be a pick for sure. I thought about being healthy and throwing some green juice in there and see if I got away with that.
Andy
My favorite celery, you know. Oh, my favorite. And people don't drink this. That's why I didn't draft it. But pear juice, no one actually consumes it. Pear juice. Pear juice is.
Mike
I think that would be fine.
Jason
I feel like pear juice is probably the closest example of what I feel like. Pineapple juice is, like, where, like, I take a little bit of pear juice, you give me a glass of pear juice. That's weird.
Andy
It sounds weird, but has anybody ever
Jason
had a glass of pear juice before?
Andy
I've never had a glass. I've had little bits.
Mike
Why not?
Jason
I don't know what's up with that. Is it not good?
Andy
Pear just doesn't have good PR it really.
Jason
They seem very judged, juicy as a fruit. You could get a lot of juice out of it. Pears are very.
Andy
When they're ripe, more juice in an apple.
Jason
What is going on with big pear? Some clowns are running the show over there.
Mike
Mark. Kids, marketing is really important.
Jason
It feels like pear is the Burger king to the McDonald's of Apple.
Andy
Yeah. You know, I mean, not even Burger King. Burger King is big. Pear is like.
Jason
Don't you feel like Burger King's always just trying, though, to, like, be.
Andy
Yeah, for sure.
Jason
Just be cool.
Andy
And pear isn't even trying. That's my point. If they were trying harder, if they were better, they'd be the Burger King.
Jason
Okay, well, we figured that out.
Andy
What did we learn today? I learned that our audience thinks we'll do anything for money.
Jason
That's what I was about to say. We're very motivated by money. Jason's willing to be on television for three months straight for money.
Mike
And we learned Jason went to Turkey.
Andy
Three more months.
Jason
Yeah. What was the phrase that you comment that you said when you got to Turkey?
Mike
That was the one that you said.
Jason
No, I know, but Jason, when he arrived, he said it.
Mike
Hello.
Andy
I don't remember.
Mike
Goodbye.
Andy
Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast
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Andy
Check out spitball.com.
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Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason
Date: March 16, 2026
In this laugh-out-loud episode, the Spitballers Crew—Andy, Mike, and Jason—embark on a journey through absurd hypotheticals and lighthearted debates, all while offering their trademark “dad energy” and quick-witted comedy. The major themes include impossible “Would You Rather” scenarios (pickles vs. cheese, language skills abroad, sneeze attacks vs. hiccups), alien encounters (complete with gift-giving to extraterrestrials), and a competitive draft to determine the world’s best juices. The trio’s banter remains family-friendly, ridiculous, and rooted in the relatable chaos of modern dad life.
"We've done lots of good, lots of bad, built some pretty cool stuff nobody thought we could… we're best when we're nice to each other, and we invented podcasts." (33:25)
Drafted Juices Include:
Orange Juice (“Not the best, but the most popular.”)
Apple Juice (“Better than orange juice. Fantastic, but so sweet.”)
Lemonade (“You can drink as an adult, it’s acceptable.”)
Grape Juice (“Maybe better than the other two... the most ‘kid’ juice.”)
Pineapple Juice (“Probably the best, but can’t drink in quantity.”)
Cranberry Juice
Tart Cherry Juice
Tomato Juice (“Great for flights, V8 is great, maybe Andy’s most controversial pick.”)
Grapefruit Juice
Carrot Juice
Fruit Punch
POG (Passionfruit-Orange-Guava) Juice (“Might be the 1.01 for legit juice taste.”)
Tangents about childhood juice boxes, how juice made them “fat and tired” as adults, and the demise of pear juice (“Big Pear is failing!”).
The Spitballers’ tone is lively, quick, and packed with good-natured sarcasm. The podcast thrives on real-life dad relatability, groan-worthy puns, and sharp but playful ribbing. Absurdity is mixed with moments of genuine reflection (like on parenting, allergies, and language barriers). Their chemistry keeps the pace brisk and the laughs constant, and even when musing about the “serious” stakes of losing cheese, they remain grounded in joyful, family-safe chaos.
This episode encapsulates why the Spitballers Comedy Podcast is award-winning: it’s a blend of imaginative scenarios, heartfelt stories, and irreverent yet friendly humor. Whether pondering a world run by pickles, navigating an alien summit, or getting passionate about pineapple, the hosts create a space where nonsense, nostalgia, and real dad dilemmas collide for comedy gold.
Favorite Listener Takeaway:
If you can’t be the best dad or the best husband, at least make sure you’re not the guy stuck answering robocalls for a year—or worse, the one with a lifetime ban on cheese. And never, ever underestimate the power of a good juice draft!