Spitballers Comedy Podcast: "Smartphone Struggles & Food To Eat Without Utensils"

Date: March 24, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason
Episode Theme:
This episode revolves around two hilarious, relatable topics: the impact of smartphones on everyday life and the all-important question of the best foods to eat without utensils. The Spitballers trio blend comedic banter, absurd hypotheticals, and surprising philosophical depth as they draft hand-held foods and debate whether the world would be better off if smartphones vanished.

Main Segments Overview

• Scat Intro & Banter (01:12–03:49)
• Would You Rather (04:54–19:00)
  • Forced Talking/Walking & Life Without Smartphones
  • Rotten Milk Thought Experiment
• What's the Difference? (24:07–37:53)
  • Usually vs. Typically vs. Most of the Time
  • "In the Air" vs. "In the Sky"
  • Steps vs. Instructions vs. Directions
• Spitballers Draft: Foods to Eat Without Utensils (39:49–56:12)
• Audience Poll & Reflection (15:29–21:28, 45:55–46:02, 58:03)

1. Scat Intro & Opening Banter

The show opens with a now-traditional 'scat' music intro and immediate deconstruction of the silliness of their opening format. Mike expresses pride in a previous musical idea, Andy relishes not doing his usual scat, and Jason jokes about redeeming the intro through "bebopping and scat dancing."

Memorable moment:

• Andy: “The first time when it was my turn to do the intro scat, where I was genuinely happy...I knew the whole time I ain't doing it.” (02:26)

2. Would You Rather

a) Talk Only When Walking or Walk Only When Talking?

Prompt: Would you rather only be able to talk if you are walking, or only be able to walk if you are talking?

• The trio explores the logistics and social nightmares of both conditions, e.g., talking on planes, police stops, and testifying in court.
• Jason: “Your honor, do you mind if I pace around?” (07:57)
• They imagine a “Treadmill Studio” for podcasting if forced to walk while talking.
• Consensus: Silent walking may be the lesser evil.

b) World With or Without Smartphones?

Prompt: Knowing what you know now, would you choose a world with smartphones or without?

• Jason (quickly): “I think I would wipe them off the planet.” (08:31)
• Andy and Mike agree the convenience is immense but the societal cost is evident.
  • Andy: “But it’s also destroyed our entire society.” (09:23)
• The guys discuss dependency: boarding passes, concert tickets, Uber, banking apps.
• Jason notes job shifts, both positive and negative.
• They mourn the death of “dumb phones”—calling/txt-only devices.
• Mike: “There’s a difference — can you get people to admit there are huge problems with phones? Yes. Can you get them to give up their phone? No.” (14:02)
• Discussion of kids and school phones. Beepers get a nostalgic shout-out.

Live Poll

Andy tweets the question and takes predictions:

• Jason bets: "64% get rid of them."
• Mike: "70% keep them."
• Result (16:17, checked later at 45:55): Around 60%+ vote to get rid of smartphones (Andy: "We have 59%. Get rid of them is winning!"). Audience is heavily skewed toward deletion, which surprises even the hosts.

3. "What's the Difference?"

A quintessentially 'Spitballers' segment parsing out everyday language:

a) Usually vs. Typically vs. Most of the Time (24:31–28:44)

• “Most of the time” is most definitive—over 50%, usually used for 60%+, and “typically” has a society-comparison flavor.
• Andy: "Typically is not a ‘me’ thing. Typically is a world-at-large thing.” (25:58)
• Mike: “Typical can be used as an insult.” (27:47)

b) In the Air vs. In the Sky (29:01–34:09)

• Comically debated in terms of height: is the sky where you can’t jump to? Where the tallest skyscraper ends? Or where oxygen thins? Mike jokes, "If you can't jump and touch it, it's in the sky," but Andy points out that's way too low.
• The 26,000’ altitude for life/breathable air is cited, and they laugh about "sky" being constantly redefined as human buildings get taller.

c) Steps vs. Instructions vs. Directions (34:51–37:53)

• Steps: finite, simple (“You can’t have 35 steps”).
• Instructions: complex, usually written/manuals.
• Directions: can be verbal, not limited to navigation; can be “of the heart or mind.”
• Off-the-rails but hilarious, ending with Jason: "You ever in life been looking for direction?" Andy: "Still am, man. Still am." (37:49–37:51)

4. The Spitballers Draft: Foods To Eat Without Utensils

Draft Structure: Build a full meal—entree, two sides, and a dessert—all hand-eaten.

Draft Picks

Andy (First Pick)

• Entree: Pizza — “Pizza should be utensil-less." (41:25)
• Dessert: Churro
• Side 1: Chips and salsa
• Side 2: Cheese curds

Jason

• Entree: Burger — “Burger, fries, and ice cream—I am as American as they come.” (50:18)
• Dessert: Ice cream cone — “No utensils: you thought I couldn’t get ice cream? Yes I can.” (46:03)
• Side 1: French fries
• Side 2: Mozzarella sticks

Mike

• Entree: Burrito — “Peak non-utensil food.” (51:42)
• Dessert: Chocolate chip cookies
• Side 1: Wings (dry rub, preferably lemon pepper. Odes about not using utensils.)
• Side 2: Deviled eggs — “Deviled eggs are so good...we have a rule: if it’s on the menu, you get it.” (50:52)

Draft Banter Highlights:

• Debate over wings as a side and flavors (43:25–44:10).
• Reverence for dry rub over saucy fingers (Andy: “...If this is for without utensils, all the better!").
• Cheesy sides (mozzarella sticks, cheese curds) get compared and differentiated in detail by region, cheese, and temperature (54:13–55:41).
• Honorable mentions: hot dogs, popcorn, fruit, corn on the cob (“corn holders” debated as utensils), and donuts.

5. Audience Poll Update & Reflection

• The poll closes with roughly 60% (exact: 60.9%) voting to delete smartphones if given the chance (58:03).
• Hosts reflect on generational differences: younger people (teens) might not vote that way; their equivalents were probably video games for their own generation.

6. Notable Quotes & Comedy Highlights

• Jason: “It’s destroyed our entire society—and everybody knows it.” (09:23–09:28)
• Andy: “Typical can only be based on a standard.” (28:57)
• Mike (on deviled eggs): “Deviled eggs, it’s called devil for a reason, because it visits you on both sides.” (51:22)
• Andy (on the draft): “I should have just ordered the trio, you know?”
• Jason: "The sky can't be below you!" | Andy retorts: "Of course it can, if you're in an airplane." (30:15–30:28)
• Mike: "You ever in life been looking for direction?" | Andy: "Still am, man. Still am." (37:49–37:51)
• Closing learning summary:
  • Andy: "I learned that the sky starts at 2,717ft but is about to move up."
  • Jason: "At least among our generation, a majority would like to delete all phones off the planet."

7. Key Timestamps

• 01:32 – Show start; intro banter/scat discussion
• 04:54–08:09 – Would You Rather: talk/walk paradox
• 08:11–21:28 – Would You Rather: erase smartphones; poll discussion
• 16:17 & 45:55 – Live poll updates on smartphone abolition
• 24:07–37:53 – What's the Difference? language games
• 39:49–56:12 – Draft: Foods to Eat Without Utensils
• 58:03 – Final poll results and episode reflections

8. Episode Tone & Takeaways

• Language & Tone: Goofy, fast-paced, clever, sometimes unexpectedly thoughtful; quintessential Spitballers chaos—comedy with “more thought than [topics] probably deserve.”
• Useful for New Listeners:
  • A solid gateway episode: the most universal themes (smartphones, food) are made fresh with dad-humor and real insight.
  • The food draft is both useful and hilarious, with real-life takeaways about how we eat.
  • The social commentary on smartphones feels both timely and reflective.

For those who haven’t listened:
This episode is classic Spitballers—irreverent, clever, and full of debates that somehow get both ridiculous and shockingly deep. The trio’s dad-core chemistry makes even linguistic nitpicking engaging, and you'll walk away sincerely questioning whether you could really let go of your phone, and more importantly, what you'd draft for your true hand-held feast.