Smell Your Feelings & Worst Ways to Wake Someone Up - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Smell Your Feelings & Worst Ways to Wake Someone Up
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason
Date: March 31, 2025
Episode #320

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Overview

This episode of Spitballers Comedy Podcast dives into a classic blend of the hosts’ signature dad-joke banter, hypothetical questions, and a lively “worst ways to wake up” draft. Andy, Mike, and Jason riff on everyday dilemmas, escalate ridiculous “Would You Rather?” questions, and debate the sensory attributes of emotions. Listeners are treated to hilarious personal anecdotes, playful debates, and some surprisingly relatable parenting struggles.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Great Scat Mute Controversy

• [01:31-03:17]
  The episode kicks off with classic chaos: Jason’s intro “scat” gets abruptly muted by Andy, sparking immediate on-air drama about whether the world was robbed of a legendary moment.
• Memorable Quote:
  • Andy: “The scat itself is not going away… It’s stupid. It’s usually bad, and I just get to have my fun with it for a week or two. That’s it.” (02:59)

2. Would You Rather: NFL Reception vs. MLB Hit

• [05:09-11:06]
  The trio debates which is more plausible for average guys: catching a 15+ yard NFL pass or hitting an MLB pitch and making it to first base.
  • Mike asserts MLB is near impossible: “Give us five chances against a Major League baseball pitcher… There is no chance.” (06:00)
  • Jason stands by his unshakable batting cage optimism.
  • Andy jokes about never playing baseball, but insists reflexes can’t be faked at that level.
• Discussion sidetracks into MLB batting averages, batting cage bravado, and “which sports do you call boring just because you’re bad at them?”

3. Would You Rather: Four Hours of Sleep vs. Choppy Eight Hours

• [11:23-22:00]
  Choices: four hours of uninterrupted sleep OR eight hours with a wake-up every hour?
  • The guys break down the science of REM cycles, fathers’ sleep struggles, and Andy’s “bougie bed” with built-in temperature control and vibrating alarm.
  • Quote:
    • Mike: “I spent my entire life sleeping under a ceiling fan that is on. Yes, because it’s wonderful.” (13:55)
• Trivia detours:
  • The origins of polyphasic sleep (Edison vs. Franklin vs. Da Vinci).
  • What is the “Uberman” sleep cycle? (20:26)
  • Andy cracks, “If it weren’t for Leonardo da Vinci… I mean, that guy was great in Titanic.” (20:43)

4. Breakfast for Dinner? Philosophical Meal Debates

• [25:46-30:18]
  Is it breakfast or dinner if you make breakfast food at night? Do “dinner foods” in the morning become breakfast?
  • Jason: “If I have steak and eggs in the evening, I’m having dinner.” (27:03)
  • Mike’s son insists first meal is breakfast—no matter the time.
  • The real meaning of “breakfast” (breaking a fast) finally dawns on the trio.
  • Quote:
    • Andy: “It is time-based, but not time of day.” (29:22-29:25)

5. Smell Your Feelings – What If Emotions Had Scents?

• [30:24-35:11]
  Imagining smells tied to emotions leads to wild improv:
  • Anger: fire, ash, burning
  • Joy: “sunshine” (cue debate on what sun smells like)
    • Mike: “When you’re out in the sun, your skin has a very particular smell… That’s called sweat.” (31:34)
  • Disgust: poop
  • Envy: dirty money
  • Anxiety: car exhaust, “You’re exhausted, you’re anxious!” (34:44)
  • Sadness: rain (which, according to Andy, can be positive!)
  • Meta joke:
    • Andy: “I will smell my arm tomorrow.” (32:18)

6. What If You Had to DIY Toothpaste?

• [35:31-41:04] COVID-era flashbacks as the group imagines toothpaste shortages:
  • Baking soda, coconut oil, even vinegar championed as multi-use miracle substances.
  • Andy describes coconut oil “oil pulling.”
• Moments of amusing ignorance:
  Jason: “You can just drink a glass of baking soda.” (39:09)
  Andy: “You can’t drink powder.” (39:18)
  The boys confirm the baking soda + vinegar volcano is indeed science.

7. Draft: “The Worst Ways to Wake Someone Up”

• [43:33-55:27] Each host selects their least favorite (and most evil) ways to drag someone from slumber — punctuated by stories and debate.
  • Jason’s picks:
    • Air horn at point blank range (43:57)
    • Mariachi band in your room (49:44)
    • Blasting death metal (50:03)
    • Pie in the face (55:03)
  • Mike’s picks:
    • Bucket of cold water (44:16)
    • Antiquing (smack of flour in the face) (49:17)
    • Ramp up the heat till you sweat awake (50:40)
    • Cinnamon roll candles (psychological torture) (53:08)
      • “They’re going to wake up and be like, where’s the cinnamon rolls? There are none!” (53:42)
  • Andy’s picks:
    • Fart in the face (45:07)
    • Waking someone with a scary clown nearby (47:48)
    • Tarantula on the face (51:41)
    • Crash cymbals to the ears (52:23)
  • Honorable mentions:
    • Hand in water (to induce accidental wetting), tickling, smelling salts, electrocution, waking someone two hours early by changing their clock.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On “fart in the face”:
  Andy: “Walk to the side of the bed, turn around, blow wind.” (45:23)

• On practical jokes:
  Mike: “[Antiquing]… They’d get a whole fistful of flour and then just spike it at the person’s face because it wakes you up… you look like a statue.” (49:17)

• On the brutality of cinnamon roll candles:
  Mike: “They’re going to wake up and be like, where’s the cinnamon rolls? …It was a ruse the whole time.” (53:42)

• On confusion over “breakfast”:
  Andy: “It should be break fast, but we say breakfast… What do we do with words?” (29:50)

• On marvels of baking soda:
  Mike: “What can’t baking soda do?” (38:48)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [03:28] – What’s coming this episode (Would You Rather, “Worst Ways to Wake Up” draft)
• [05:09] – NFL vs. MLB Would You Rather debate
• [11:23] – Sleep schedule dilemma & “bougie bed” discussion
• [25:46] – Breakfast for dinner & meal classification
• [30:24] – “Smell your feelings” improv segment
• [35:31] – Toothpaste shortage and baking soda discussion
• [43:33] – Start of “Worst Ways to Wake Someone Up” draft
• [54:19] – Honorable mentions and closing rapid-fire ideas

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Conclusion

This episode delivers rapid-fire laughs, surprisingly relatable insights into daily life (especially as tired parents), and a showcase of the hosts’ chemistry. Classic Spitballers shenanigans—packaged safely and playfully — make it a perfect episode for anyone looking for clean, genuinely funny comedy that the whole family can enjoy.

For more nonsense from the Spitballers, visit spitballerspod.com!

Transcript

[Andy]

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[Andy]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

I did it.

[Andy]

Yeah, baby. Take that spit watts. Turn and heel.

[Mike]

Hey, Andy, did you push your button?

[Jason]

No. That's not what happened.

[Mike]

Oh, it's not?

[Andy]

No. But I pushed his button. Jason reached over and I held it down. Suckers.

[Jason]

Jason reached over.

[Mike]

I didn't even see.

[Jason]

I started an amazing, legendary scat. And Jason reached over and pushed the mute button in his effort to get rid of.

[Andy]

Now, man, here's the dilemma.

[Jason]

I know you have it.

[Andy]

I can unmute it and post if we want, and it'll be there.

[Jason]

Or we can let Jason's shenanigans ride. See, the thing is, is I didn't even hear myself scat.

[Mike]

No, I couldn't hear it either.

[Andy]

Yeah, it was.

[Jason]

And it was. I bet it was amazing.

[Andy]

It was. I have no idea. It was amazing.

[Jason]

Andy, we'll have to make a decision, because basically, at this point in the show.

[Andy]

Oh, the people are so. The people are big mad. People are big mad at me.

[Jason]

They've either heard it because we put it in because he's got it.

[Andy]

Hmm. Or do we just play it now? You know what I mean? I don't think we can do that.

[Jason]

Oh, you mean right here?

[Andy]

Right here.

[Jason]

No, don't do that. Don't do that.

[Andy]

Whoa. That was so great.

[Jason]

Jason. Trying to ruin the scat for everybody.

[Mike]

What?

[Jason]

I think we need Goofster.

[Mike]

Look, look.

[Andy]

The scat itself is not going to go away. The scat itself to intro the show is absurd. It's stupid. It's usually bad, and I just get to have my fun with it for a week or two. That's it. Don't worry about it, fam. We're good. It's totally not going away.

[Jason]

All I did was feel the guilt that I hadn't pushed the button before the show started and Mike immediately thought that I messed it up.

[Mike]

And that would have been way funnier than Jason.

[Jason]

Sabotage. Yeah. Welcome to this footballers episode.

[Mike]

That was pretty funny too.

[Jason]

320. Would you rather. That's a great question. We're drafting the worst ways to wake somebody up. So what devious plans that you have concocted to wake somebody up in the morning.

[Andy]

Which look.

[Jason]

We all have. Which look. Waking a teenager up. I might need to use three or four of these.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. I mean, there is. And you'll do it three or four times each morning. You'll wake them up once.

[Jason]

That's the worst part of it. I don't mind waking somebody up one time.

[Andy]

No, that's fine.

[Jason]

Eight times is too much.

[Andy]

Yeah. I can't stand when I have to get up to wake them up. And it's like, I didn't want to get up this early, but I know you need to be up this early and you're not going to. I woke up to wake you up and then I come back later and.

[Mike]

You'Re back asleep, bro. The. The worst. The absolute worst.

[Jason]

Like, don't go back to sleep.

[Mike]

No. Oh. Not much. Makes me as furious as the. The child has gone back to sleep. What?

[Andy]

I'll get ready.

[Mike]

To be fair to it, I can't even tell you how many times I did that as a teenager.

[Andy]

That's what you do.

[Mike]

I just want to be forthright.

[Jason]

If you invent a bed that literally goes from horizontal to fully stood up.

[Mike]

You'Re talking about the Jetsons.

[Jason]

Is that what they did?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, that's right.

[Mike]

The bed goes up and dunks it right into the shower.

[Jason]

If the bed moved up over a five minute period, there's no way to fall back asleep there.

[Andy]

That's genius, Andy.

[Jason]

Just fully stand the bed up till they get knocked out.

[Andy]

They do the things with, like, the lights where it's like the light alarm clock and it'll just kind of brighten up the. That doesn't. My kids could sleep through me shining A light right in their face.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

They can't sleep standing up. That is brilliant, Andy.

[Jason]

Well, we'll see. We'll see. I think we've got some good ideas on bad ways to wake people up on today's show when we get there. Let's start here though. Would you rather Chuck from the website to save your life? Would you rather have to catch a 15 plus yard reception in the NFL against an NFL cornerback? Or make.

[Mike]

Hold on.

[Andy]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Jason]

Or make contact with an MLB baseball pitch and make it to first base.

[Andy]

And make it to first base. In both cases, one of those is finished.

[Jason]

You only get five.

[Mike]

That's. That is for us. You can disagree, but if you disagree with me, you are 100% wrong.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

Give us five chances against a major League baseball pitcher. We will go over 15. There is no, there is no chance that you're. That just fastballs though. It doesn't matter.

[Andy]

No, let them. They're pitching what they want.

[Mike]

Sure. You go and say, okay, I know a fastball is coming down the center.

[Jason]

If you think 15 pitches down the center, I will hit the ball.

[Mike]

No, you will not.

[Jason]

I 100% you will not. I've done it in cages.

[Andy]

You hit.

[Mike]

You've hit a 90 mile an hour ball.

[Jason]

I've made contact. I felt it off.

[Mike]

You have to make it to first, bro.

[Jason]

I realized that. I'm just saying like you do. Your brain does speed up. You can swing earlier.

[Mike]

The hardest thing.

[Jason]

I can't athlete a cornerback though.

[Andy]

No, there's no way you can out. I mean, you see these NFL, you.

[Mike]

Can cheat though by pushing them. Yeah, you can. You can try and get away with something. I do think you're not hitting a ball.

[Jason]

It's probably more likely because NFL quarterbacks, while they are hyper athletic, they are shorter than me.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So there is a chance that they tip the ball and I catch it off a tip or I poke them in the eye and I grab the football.

[Andy]

You've also got the box out position. Like, you know, I've got some meat on me. I've probably got weight on the cornerback, so I could maybe do the Antonio Gates turnaround and just, just rifle it in here five times and hope I can. I will have zero separation.

[Jason]

I still think that's more likely than five attempts at a pitch. I'm not hitting five attempts, so.

[Andy]

I know you played baseball, Andy. I never played such a boring game other than like in grade school when you were forced to stand in the outfield and do nothing and then sit in the dugout when you've got the ball. Nothing.

[Jason]

Quick sidebar, though. How many sports are you terrible at, therefore call boring?

[Andy]

I don't know if I'm bad at baseball. I just didn't play it. I would probably be excellent. But I would imagine that if I were to face an MLB pitcher and I. And forget. Forget making it to first because now we got to deal with sprinting and that's not my jam. I think it would take me 100 pitches to hit a ball. Like, if they were really trying. If they were really, really trying to. I mean, I believe I would do as good a job if my eyes were closed. Timing it up, just going like, you know, if someone told me when to swing and they just say, okay, try it now.

[Jason]

You played softball, right? With us. Did you play? Oh, no. Oh, you just don't play. Just don't play that sport.

[Andy]

I don't. I don't.

[Mike]

Slow pitch softball is very fun.

[Andy]

Oh, I'll bet that is much more fun.

[Mike]

I've looked. I've asked the AI Overlords. This was the prompt. What is the normal batting average for an MLB hitter? This is a professional baseball average.

[Jason]

Let me try to guess it.

[Mike]

Okay. This. The normal or average batting average for an MLB hitter tends to fall around 240 to 260. 240 to 250.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

Which.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Which means a professional who spent their whole life.

[Jason]

One in four.

[Mike]

They spent their whole life training and getting ready can do it 25% of the time.

[Jason]

This is. This is why I added the nuance, though, of like, is he throwing fastballs down the middle? Because a baseball player, when they take batting practice with fastballs down the middle, they don't bat 240. They bat 900. So if you just went to a batting cage and set it to 90 and gave me. Or us. I believe you too. And you gave us 25 swings. I think you'll get one.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah. If it's just fastballs down at all I'm talking about, I'll give you a.

[Jason]

Foul tip if you close your eyes. You will not.

[Andy]

Did you. Did you see the one where the guy from dude, perfect was like, he tried to hit.

[Jason]

I think I saw some of that.

[Mike]

I did not. Batting practice.

[Andy]

Yeah, batting practice. Tried to hit a major league pitcher and basically do this. And he did so.

[Mike]

But he's all like the main guy with the beard.

[Jason]

He's a perfect dude.

[Mike]

He's able to. He's like a super sneaky, really, really good athlete.

[Jason]

If you give Me more than five hits.

[Mike]

I would love to go to the cage and put it at 90 and.

[Jason]

See he is confident that I will fail.

[Andy]

I would. I think I'd be on your side. I think. I think on a batting cage, that's.

[Jason]

I mean, I need a few minutes to speed. Speed things up in my head.

[Andy]

Yeah, I don't think I could stand there. Like, I don't think I could swing. Forget swinging.

[Mike]

Get tired, swing.

[Jason]

No, no, no, no, no. He means being intimidated by something.

[Andy]

I think when that ball is coming at me, my back is turning. That ball comes fast. Did you see that?

[Jason]

It's possible. It is scary.

[Mike]

I can't even. 90. I cannot imagine.

[Jason]

I mean, it's fast. Larry, how faster?

[Andy]

Bullets.

[Jason]

How fast are bullets?

[Mike]

Faster than 90? Yeah, they can go like 100 yards in a second.

[Jason]

Well, much faster than a baseball is a serve from a tennis player.

[Andy]

Yeah, but there's a lot more distance.

[Jason]

160 miles an hour, so it's soft. 500ft per second is a bullet speed.

[Andy]

I need an mph.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

How fast are bullets in miles per hour? 409 to 7,200.

[Mike]

Wait, wait, 409.

[Jason]

409 to 2,727 even.

[Andy]

That's quite the range. All right.

[Mike]

Yeah, well, I mean, I'd rather get hit by the 2000.

[Jason]

Good night. All right, Larry, from the website, would you rather get four hours of continuous sleep or eight hours of sleep, but you wake up for five minutes every hour than drift back to sleep? So I think there's two questions. One is which is actually better for you? And the second one is which is more annoying? I feel like you're never gonna feel rested with just four hours. But I would feel rested.

[Mike]

How long does it take to rim? How long do you have to be asleep for that?

[Jason]

I don't think you have to be asleep that long to rim.

[Andy]

No, I don't think you have to be. Probably 30 minutes. You can rim around there. You're not going to. You're going to have. If you wake up every hour, the combination of rim and deep sleep will be crushed. But you're probably still better getting eight hours of sleep where you wake up every five minutes.

[Jason]

I mean, I. Do you sleep through the night? No, I don't sleep through the night.

[Mike]

No. I wake up.

[Jason]

I have a wake up, like, probably once or twice. Yeah, it's either a bathroom break. It's I'm sweaty, you know, because like, we, like, try to crank. Someone fixed this problem for me, by the way. Give me the solution to this.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

This is my newest.

[Mike]

That's what we're here for.

[Jason]

This is my newest 40 and over problem.

[Andy]

We.

[Jason]

It's healthier to sleep with colder temperatures. This is proven.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's great.

[Jason]

So we crank it down a little bit. Now we don't go crazy, but it's a few degrees down, and so it's very, very cold. The air is running.

[Mike]

We're talking a sub 70 here. What are we talking about?

[Jason]

Not like 71, 72.

[Mike]

Done. The Moore's. You're a sub 70 guy, right, Jay?

[Andy]

Well, I've got a whole nother thing, which is probably my answer to Andy's thing. Sorry. It's my bougie bed.

[Mike]

This guy.

[Jason]

To go with his bougie Patreon.

[Andy]

Get your question out because it's probably the answer to your question.

[Jason]

By the way, you usually enter rim 90 minutes after falling asleep. So that would be a problem.

[Mike]

There you go, Mr. 30 minutes over here.

[Jason]

But he said, usually, help me fix this problem. Because we crank it to be cold. So when it's really cold, it's nice.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So I put the covers on. But the way an air conditioner works is once it hits the temperature, it stops blowing air. So at that point in time, I'm too hot.

[Mike]

What's going on with your fan?

[Jason]

See, I knew you were going to go there. Ceiling fan. It's not on.

[Mike]

America. Ceiling fans in every room is that.

[Jason]

You sleep with the fan.

[Andy]

We can't turn.

[Mike]

Our ceiling fan has never been off.

[Jason]

Yours is not on.

[Andy]

We can't turn our ceiling fan on. And Mike, you made a face. I spent my entire life sleeping under a ceiling fan that is on. Yes, because it's wonderful. It's delightful. It's an improvement. The ceiling fan, we moved. We moved about a year ago. And the ceiling fan in my new house is taken from a Boeing 737. The lowest setting on that thing is going to fly away. My roof will leave. It is. There's something wrong with it. We can't use it. It's unusable. And if you turn that thing up to high, it's just watch. Just hold down the covers because it's flying off you.

[Mike]

We're out of here.

[Andy]

I don't know why it's this way, but that fan is like, I might as well tape down the light switch.

[Jason]

You have like a bed that you took a mortgage out to get. So you have the bougie bed. And you didn't think, like, maybe we just swap the fan out in 10 minutes.

[Andy]

I hate to break it to you, Andy, but I don't need no fan with the bougie bed. I'm telling you, it's because what you're talking about is. Okay, you got the covers on. What do I do about the temperature? What if the bed created the temperature for you, and if you get too hot.

[Jason]

You sound like a podcast.

[Andy]

I know, I know. Not a sponsor.

[Mike]

No, no, you will not say the name of it.

[Andy]

Yeah, I will not. You're darn right, because they should be a sponsor. And I will sell a lot of your product. Unknown bed. You know who you are.

[Jason]

Say it right now. But I will bleep it.

[Andy]

Oh, that's right. That's right. And I'm gonna cover my mouth for the.

[Jason]

And do it like an ad.

[Mike]

But.

[Jason]

But have him bleep it out. That way, they know what they're gonna get.

[Andy]

Oh, okay. Well, listen to this.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

Is an incredible product. Not only will it help you sleep more, it is proven to add extra hours to your sleep.

[Jason]

Are you saying you have Andy?

[Andy]

I'm saying I have a.

[Mike]

Cover your mouth Andy.

[Andy]

Yes, I have a Jeremy's.

[Mike]

Like, oh, my gosh, I have so much beeping.

[Andy]

Anyways, that product's incredible. However hot you get, it'll cool down. Also, it's your alarm clock. I don't. We have on today's episode worst ways to wake up.

[Jason]

Just. You just stop it.

[Andy]

The best way. It vibrates and wakes me up with a warm bed.

[Jason]

You want to know what your problem is now? Because I've seen it. Your problem is when you travel, you're miserable.

[Andy]

Oh, it's the worst.

[Jason]

Because you don't got your bougie bag. I don't have my bougie. You don't got your perfect bidet. You don't got your. You even have your travel cpap. Cpap.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You got the wrong. You're not gonna have your magical flosser you just bought.

[Andy]

Oh. Which is awesome.

[Jason]

Guys, did you buy that?

[Andy]

Yes, I got it. It is unbelievable.

[Jason]

Guys.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

This show should be called what to buy if you're rich.

[Andy]

I need another podcast. Just products by Jason.

[Mike]

Yeah. Jason had to go get an appointment with a dentist. He had to leave work early. He's like, guys, that got an appointment. We're like, oh, doctor appointment.

[Andy]

An orthodontist.

[Mike]

What for? He's like, I'm for this flossing machine.

[Andy]

I tried to not see orthodontist to.

[Mike]

Get something to floss, and you got it.

[Andy]

Oh, it is unbelievable. Seven Seconds. My entire mouth flossed. All teeth. It's awesome.

[Mike]

And it works.

[Andy]

It's so good.

[Mike]

What is this thing doing?

[Andy]

Magic, I believe.

[Mike]

Is it a string or is it water?

[Andy]

No, it's water. It's a water flosser. Like, you know, you've got the built in.

[Jason]

But is it like a mouth guard?

[Andy]

Yeah, it's like a mouth guard. You put it in and then you push the button and it streams jets through each one of your teeth. Holes, crevices. Really powerfully.

[Jason]

More or less expensive than your bed.

[Andy]

Less expensive. Oh, okay, that bed. No, that bed is more.

[Mike]

This guy. Unbelievable.

[Jason]

Dear goodness. Where were we Here? The rim sleeps.

[Andy]

I don't know. I'm looking.

[Jason]

Do you need rim?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Genuinely. Do you have to? Like, would you die if.

[Mike]

No, no, no, you won't die, but you will. I don't think you'll ever feel.

[Jason]

But like, so eight hours. If you woke up for five minutes, an hour, you'll never rim. And you're saying you think that would be worse than rimming over four hours?

[Mike]

I mean, think about the. What when you have a newborn, that that's what's happening.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You're waking up like every hour, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes longer. You know, sometimes mom has to feed, sometimes dad's got to warm up a bottle, that type of stuff. It's because you're not getting the continuous sleep where I'm pretty sure you can do like a naps schedule if you wanted in a 24 hour period. As long as you're taking like two to three hour naps every so often. And like one of the famous inventors, I feel like Benjamin Franklin or somebody was on that schedule.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it was Franklin.

[Mike]

He would do that.

[Jason]

He'd do the little teeny naps.

[Mike]

That guy did a lot of stuff.

[Jason]

You know, there were people that tried to spark ideas with their naps. Did you ever hear about this? They would sit in their rocking chair and they'd hold on to like a coin or a pencil. And they knew that once they fell asleep, they'd drop it because they wanted to be woken immediately upon falling asleep. Because they believed that sparked creative ideas, like inventors.

[Andy]

Really?

[Mike]

Yeah, because I feel like that moment when you're falling asleep, at least for me, it's like, I always call it, like, I feel like I'm in the astral plane or somewhere where your thoughts are making sense to you, but you know that your thoughts are not making sense because it's just this weird primordial Ooze going on in your brain.

[Andy]

What I'm seeing about Benjamin Franklin is that he followed a strict schedule.

[Mike]

Maybe it wasn't Franklin.

[Andy]

10Pm to 5am there's somebody did that's pretty healthy.

[Mike]

So how about this, Jerry?

[Jason]

You didn't even have your bed. Instead of being like, slept on a piece of wood.

[Mike]

Hey, morons. You got the wrong guy. What? Find the right guy.

[Andy]

How about that?

[Jason]

I'm with you.

[Mike]

Come on, Doosers.

[Andy]

I believe it's Thomas Edison.

[Mike]

Okay, there we go.

[Jason]

Wow, what a far cry.

[Andy]

Oh, he knew the answer.

[Mike]

Probably stole that idea too.

[Jason]

Deucers be doosing.

[Andy]

Edison reportedly only slept three to four hours a night, considering sleep a waste of time. But then he also used napping and a unique technique.

[Jason]

Yeah, I'm doing the eight hours. That's my final answer. I'm not doing no. Four out. Four hours is just plain not enough. I already know that if you don't.

[Andy]

Get naps during the day, you cannot do the four hours.

[Jason]

And I still think I'm getting into RIM because I think I'm going to continue from where I left off after five minutes.

[Andy]

You know what? I don't think you're sleeping eight hours through the night, waking up for five minutes each hour and never getting any.

[Jason]

I'm with you.

[Mike]

How about this? Leonardo da Vinci reportedly took 20 minute naps every four hours. Known as what? The uberman sleep cycle.

[Andy]

That is correct.

[Mike]

All right, Da Vinci. You're going to argue with da Vinci.

[Andy]

If it weren't for Leonardo da Vinci. I mean, that guy was great in the Titanic. Boston. There goes our last listener. You couldn't even make it through. I could. I couldn't.

[Jason]

He even tried to say the full name out loud to see how close it sounded and still went with it.

[Andy]

It was pretty bad, man.

[Mike]

You needed. You got it. You had to pull a different movie than Titanic.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You had to be like Revenant.

[Mike]

What? Yeah. Yeah. That would have been a deeper shutter island.

[Andy]

What is. What is he most. What is Leonardo DiCaprio most famous for?

[Jason]

I would think of two movies. Romeo and Juliet and the Titanic.

[Andy]

I think Titanic. We're old. And catch me if you can.

[Jason]

Catch me if you can.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

Oh, and what's the stinking golly?

[Andy]

The Gatsby. Great Gatsby.

[Jason]

No, he was in there, but that's.

[Mike]

Not it because he was Gatsby once. Once upon a time. In Hollywood?

[Jason]

No, it's the mob. Mobby movie.

[Andy]

Oh, oh, oh. The Departed.

[Jason]

The Departed.

[Andy]

That movie is awesome.

[Mike]

Yeah. The Departed is great.

[Jason]

And Wolf of Wall street and a bunch of others.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

What's your final answer, boys?

[Andy]

Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Jason]

You both didn't answer. That's amazing.

[Andy]

I'm taking the eight hours, Al.

[Jason]

Should we move on, or do we.

[Andy]

Get out of here?

[Jason]

Go for one more?

[Andy]

Let's move on.

[Jason]

Okay. Praise the Lord.

[Mike]

Today's show is brought to you by our friends at Rocket Money. You might think you have a solid handle on your budget. Maybe your spreadsheet says you should have an extra thousand dollars left over each month, but your bank account isn't reflecting that something is off. Well, Rocket Money helps you track every dollar, uncover hidden spending, and take control of your finances. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Get alerts if your bills increase in price, if there's any unusual activity in your accounts, if you're close to going over budget, and even when you're doing a good job, Rocket Money's gonna let you know. Rocket Money has saved users over $2.5 billion, including over $880 million in canceled subscriptions alone. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket money. Go to Rocketmoney.comballers today. That's Rocketmoney.comballers Rocketmoney.comballers what's up, spitwads?

[Jason]

Look, you've tried cotton, you've tried cashmere. But have you tried alpaca Papa Josh, have you tried alpaca before? I don't think you have. It's softer than cashmere, warmer than wool and steel, breathable. That's the Paca hoodie. And it's about to be your new go to layer. Pakka makes performance apparel from Alpaca Fiber, one of the world's most sustainable natural fibers. Their best selling hoodie is softer than cashmere, warmer than wool, and breathable. It's lightweight, but still cozy. Doesn't stretch out, doesn't pill, and will keep you warm when it's cool and cool when it's hot. Basically, it adapts to wherever life takes you. I absolutely love my pack a hoodie. It is so comfortable and cozy. I can wear it out all the time. A few compliments on the way from this sweet pack of hoodie. To grab your pack of hoodie and free pair of alpaca crew socks, go to go packaapparel.com spitballers and use our code spitballers. That's go.pakaapparel.com spitballers, and enter the code. Spitballers.

[Andy]

That's a great question.

[Jason]

I can't believe you muted my scat. I can't believe you muted my scat.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

And does he have.

[Jason]

Is his arms within range of your mute?

[Mike]

I'm a foot pedal.

[Andy]

I got him.

[Mike]

Yeah, he could definitely get my pedal. But what I was going to say it like, did anyone.

[Jason]

No time.

[Mike]

Did anyone actually. Because we do a spitball is secret. Sometimes there's some accidental footsies over here where I'm going for my pedal. I give Jason little tap and I'm like. But did anyone actually see Jason pushing the button? No.

[Andy]

I had no idea. I was pretty.

[Mike]

You could have gotten away with it.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. You could have left off just.

[Mike]

You could have played full dumb of like. Yeah. What happened?

[Andy]

Oh, my God.

[Jason]

I reached over and felt his finger.

[Andy]

The problem is if I did. Okay, well, yeah, that's worse than the footsies. That's way worse when you go for your mute button and there's a finger on. Was creepy. Yeah, but that wouldn't have worked because then they would have just fixed it in post and I don't know if they fixed it in post, but I.

[Mike]

Hope they did, or we would have fully stopped the show. They would have rebooted all of the tech and you could have done it again. You missed a huge opportunity here.

[Jason]

All right, Sawyer from Patreon's great question. If you are in the process of cooking breakfast for dinner, are you making breakfast or are you making dinner?

[Mike]

Okay, okay, okay. Now we're in. Now this is the good stuff.

[Jason]

So my initial reaction, gonna throw it out there. I want to get your response. You're making dinner.

[Andy]

I mean, so I'm making dinner.

[Jason]

What's that? You're making dinner? Yeah, so we're both making dinner.

[Mike]

You're making breakfast food for dinner?

[Andy]

Yes, if you're cooking breakfast for dinner.

[Jason]

Which, by the way, highly. Highly. I'm a huge fan of it. It was the thing as a kid, if my parents made breakfast for dinner, it was like a special awesome. Like, we're cheating the system.

[Mike]

That is hilarious. Because it's so much easier to make breakfast foods than dinner foods, dude.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Eggs, bacon, toast, pancakes.

[Andy]

If you got the pre made. Yeah, just take out the frozen waffles. Does cereal count?

[Mike]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

So if you have a bowl of cereal for dinner, that's dinner.

[Jason]

Yeah, we've had a couple. I mean, there's been a handful of, like, let's just all eat a bowl of Cereal for dinner. You almost feel like you're like skipping dinner.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I feel like I didn't eat dinner. I had a box, but I didn't eat dinner.

[Jason]

But you're definitely making dinner.

[Andy]

Yeah, you're making dinner. If I have steak and eggs in the morning, I'm having breakfast. If I have steak and eggs in the evening, I'm having dinner.

[Jason]

Now, if you made the breakfast food at dinner time but didn't eat it till the morning, were you making breakfast?

[Mike]

Yeah. You're making breakfast, right?

[Andy]

Yeah, for sure.

[Mike]

Okay, for sure.

[Jason]

This one we agree on.

[Andy]

What about dinner for breakfast? Like if it's breakfast and I.

[Jason]

If you eat the leftovers from the dinner the night before at breakfast time, are you eating breakfast?

[Mike]

I think it's still breakfast.

[Andy]

That's breakfast. It's just the time of day.

[Mike]

I got a time of day question for you guys.

[Jason]

Yeah, let's hear it.

[Mike]

Because we. My son is adamant about this. Let's say you wake up, you flashback to somehow being a teenager. You wake up at 11:30am you go to your kitchen, it's around noon, but are you eating breakfast or are you eating lunch?

[Jason]

So this just happened.

[Andy]

This happens every weekend?

[Mike]

Yeah, I mean, it happens a lot.

[Jason]

For my son slept in like, my middle son slept in really, really late. Late as he's ever slept in. And I bought Chipotle for everybody at like one. And then he goes, I just ate breakfast an hour ago. That was his response. Because he had, he had. He got up at noon.

[Mike]

His first meal is breakfast.

[Jason]

No matter what he had breakfast foods. The question is really, if you wake up at noon and then you eat a sandwich, you're probably skipping breakfast and having lunch.

[Andy]

I think he ate breakfast. I think he was at breakfast.

[Mike]

It's your first meal.

[Andy]

I don't think it's time of day. I think it's time of your day.

[Mike]

Time of awakening.

[Andy]

Time of awakening. Because imagine that you are on the night shift, right? You work during the night and you're awake during the day, right? So you wake up and it's midnight, right? That's the time you are waking up. You slept all day. You wake up at midnight. Your first meal is going to be breakfast, but it's at midnight.

[Jason]

Is it breakfast? Is it breakfast food?

[Andy]

Of course it is.

[Jason]

Well, then it's fine, it's breakfast.

[Andy]

But even if you reheated the leftover dinner for your first meal, I think they're having breakfast.

[Jason]

If you woke up, how much sleep was There preceding the meal.

[Andy]

Regular seven and a half.

[Jason]

If there's enough sleep preceding the meal, it's breakfast. You're breaking the fast.

[Andy]

I think it is time based, but not time of day.

[Mike]

I guess that does.

[Andy]

Oh, breaking the fast.

[Jason]

Have a fast.

[Mike]

Is that where that word comes from?

[Andy]

That has to be where that word.

[Jason]

Yes, of course it is. Well, neither of you knew that.

[Mike]

No, it's breakfast, man.

[Andy]

It's one word they don't say break fast.

[Jason]

It's breaking the fast.

[Mike]

Breakfast.

[Andy]

The first meal of the day is called breakfast because it literally means to. To break the fast.

[Mike]

So why is it not break fast?

[Andy]

It should be break fast. It should be breakfast. But we should say in many ways, have you had breakfast today?

[Mike]

No. You had breakfast?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

What are we doing?

[Andy]

But we should have breakfast. What do we do with words?

[Jason]

We say them quickly.

[Andy]

You're saying that it's just because you can't say breakfast as fast. Because I love breakfast. McDonald's has breakfast till 10:30am and I think McDonald's breakfast is pretty good. It sounds so bad.

[Jason]

Maybe that's why they don't say it that way. Because some guy started it and he's like, no, we gotta. We gotta.

[Andy]

How about breakfast?

[Jason]

Let's sharpen that. Oh, my gosh. Spectacular. Next great question comes from Carrie on Patreon. If all emotions had a smell, what would some of them smell like? Okay, let's just play with this. Anger smells like fire or burning.

[Andy]

You go, are you ash?

[Jason]

Yeah. I mean, anger. Anger's got to be heat. Fire.

[Mike]

What was I thinking in volcano? What am I thinking of a volcano?

[Andy]

Soot.

[Jason]

Lava.

[Mike]

No, sulfur. Sulfur. Thank you, Josh.

[Jason]

Sure.

[Mike]

Sulfur. I feel like anger smells like sulfur.

[Andy]

I don't know. Because disgust.

[Jason]

You are burning.

[Mike]

But sulfur. Anger is.

[Jason]

Disgust smells like poop. Yeah.

[Andy]

Which smells like sulfur.

[Jason]

No, I'm not the sulfur guy. I was pushing the fire.

[Mike]

But I think that the anger has to have an undercurrent of, like, living smell. Some gr. There's some grotesque to it, but that's.

[Andy]

The smell of, like, ash.

[Jason]

Joy smells like sunshine or flowers.

[Andy]

So what is the smell of sunshine?

[Jason]

See.

[Andy]

Smell that sun that smells so bright.

[Mike]

It's a strong point I followed only because I went immediately to, like, when you're out. No, no, you just. When you're out in the sun, then your skin has a very particular smell where you're like, oh, I smell like I've been out in the sun.

[Andy]

What? Yeah, that's called sweat.

[Mike]

No, no, no, no, no. Not sweat.

[Jason]

Yes, Mike, you Guys need to get.

[Mike]

More in tune with what's going on with your body.

[Jason]

Great smell of sun.

[Mike]

Go out in the sun. And I'm not talking about sweaty.

[Jason]

It's an aroma.

[Mike]

Yeah. You will have a good smell.

[Jason]

You're.

[Andy]

I spend 10 minutes in the morning sun every single day. I'm a morning person now.

[Jason]

Yeah, before your hike.

[Andy]

I've never.

[Jason]

Go hiking and smell yourself.

[Andy]

I have. I did. I've never had the thought of like I smell like sun.

[Mike]

You smell your arm.

[Andy]

I will smell my arm tomorrow.

[Mike]

Smell your arm.

[Jason]

Anxiety. What does it smell like? What would anxiety smell like? That's nervous energy. Is it bo?

[Andy]

No, I don't think so.

[Jason]

No, it's not bo.

[Andy]

Is it sweaty? If you're really, really nervous, what's the smell of nervousness? Fearful man. That's a tough one.

[Jason]

I don't have a good one.

[Mike]

Okay, while you think about this, the quote smell of skin after being in the sun is often described as a warm, slightly sweet. And sometimes it is definitely slightly sweet, sometimes even slightly musky or sun warm scent and is caused by the sun's UV radiation interacting with the skin's natural oils and bacteria.

[Andy]

Okay, so you have just to be clear, it either smells sweet or musky.

[Mike]

So.

[Andy]

So it could smell like anything. Cause those are opposites.

[Mike]

But they're not saying anything. They said two very distinct smells.

[Andy]

Two very.

[Jason]

To me it's sweet and you do smell sweet and sometimes even slightly musky. It's a little mixed.

[Mike]

I'm telling you, you will smell sweet.

[Jason]

Envy. I think of green. What smells green?

[Andy]

Grass.

[Jason]

Envy. No, envy needs to be.

[Mike]

Envy stinks.

[Jason]

It needs to be a darker smell.

[Mike]

Smells like money.

[Andy]

Dirty. Oh yeah.

[Mike]

There's been dirty money. Grossness.

[Andy]

100% envy smells like dirty money. Everyone here knows what the smell of dirty cash.

[Mike]

Now are we going down? Bill Coin going Coin.

[Jason]

Yeah, cuz coins got us either.

[Andy]

Either way the coins. The only problem is the coins. Sometimes you smell the. The metal. Yeah, I think with the. You like that?

[Mike]

Oh, you like the metal smell? Interesting.

[Jason]

Oh man. I don't mind it when I write that down. Sadness. Sadness. What does sadness smell like?

[Andy]

Rain.

[Mike]

But rain smells.

[Andy]

Rain smells great. Yes, but sadness sometimes.

[Jason]

What about a bog? This smell like a bog.

[Andy]

This won't be a popular. This won't be a popular take. Sometimes sadness is good. Like sadness. But yeah, I mean like a good cry, I think. I think sadness and the rain.

[Jason]

I don't mind it. I think rain can work. Disgusting.

[Mike]

Mean that one's pretty easy.

[Andy]

Yeah, I Mean, that's just.

[Jason]

What is.

[Andy]

That is bo.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Are we.

[Jason]

Did we work through all of the different. We just couldn't figure out the smell for anxiety.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

What? Yeah. What smells like stress?

[Jason]

Ooh. Yeah. What's.

[Mike]

Is it like, car fumes? Like, you're like, I'm stuck in bump.

[Jason]

I don't mind that.

[Mike]

Traffic.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

There's the exhaust.

[Jason]

Oh, exhaust. You're exhausted. You're anxious. I like it.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

On the nose. No, I'm saying that joke was on the nose, but it was also.

[Mike]

Oh. Oh, that's good. That's a good joke. That's a good joke.

[Jason]

We were actually the wrong ones there.

[Mike]

I had moved on. That's a good joke.

[Andy]

Thank you. I felt like a fool.

[Jason]

Is happiness and joy. Are those the same?

[Andy]

Yep. Just make it easy. All right, all right.

[Jason]

We figured it out. Okay, let's go with. That's another sleeping question. I'm gonna skip that one. Hunter from ig. If we had another global pandemic and the toothpaste shelves were suddenly empty, what ingredients are you buying to DIY a toothpaste alternative?

[Mike]

Oh.

[Jason]

Because we've had, like, the last pandemic. It was toilet paper that was gone. It was. I still. Here's the funny thing. We're four years from when it began. More than that. Five.

[Mike]

Yeah. Going on five.

[Jason]

There were, like, one or two major runs on toilet paper where nobody could get it anywhere. People were buying it on ebay. So I literally have probably two containers of toilet paper. That is horrible. Toilet paper.

[Andy]

Oh, I know what you're saying.

[Mike]

I bought it.

[Jason]

Yeah. I was like, it was all you could get. It was all you could get. I mean, I've even got a second funny story where I bought some on ebay, and it came the tiny rolls, and it was miniaturized.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

They got you.

[Jason]

They got me mean. With mini rolls of toilet paper.

[Mike]

Hold on.

[Jason]

We're talking tiny butts would be the.

[Mike]

Only thing that could use these normal cardboard tube.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

Small roll.

[Jason]

No, no, no, Not.

[Andy]

Or the whole thing was shrunk. It was like a toy for a dollhouse.

[Jason]

I mean, it was like.

[Andy]

But the picture. The picture looked like.

[Jason]

And we got tons of them.

[Andy]

I mean, tons of them. You know how many you could fit in a box?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Because you would be on Amazon and you'd see 24 rolls of toilet paper. With the picture of these rolls, you can't. You can't tell that they're smaller.

[Jason]

We both got got.

[Andy]

Yeah, we did. We got tiny toilet Paper? Yeah.

[Mike]

I never even heard of this. Oh, but it makes so much.

[Jason]

Yeah, so. And it would come wrapped in, like, the worst packaging from somewhere in mainland China that shipped this thing off to you.

[Mike]

That's a lot.

[Jason]

But I have a couple old toilet paper rolls from, like, one ply that we never used because it came back in stock. But let's say toothpaste goes away.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I mean, I feel like. Do you just go water? You go like baking soda.

[Andy]

Coconut oil. Baking soda is good.

[Jason]

I feel like that'd be a thing, right?

[Andy]

Co. Coconut oil is a thing that people do.

[Jason]

They do that with their teeth. I feel like the oil out of your mouth would be.

[Andy]

No, it's really, really good for you. You take coconut oil, which is kind of what consistency is coconut oil.

[Mike]

It's a gritty goop.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's like a.

[Jason]

It's plasma oil.

[Andy]

But it's not. No, it's not oil in the sense.

[Jason]

That, like, I've used coconut oil. I mean, it's not.

[Andy]

It's waxy. Yeah. It depends on the temperature coconut oil is. Yeah.

[Jason]

If you get it cold, it can be more solid. It'll be more like a wax.

[Andy]

When you get it out of the container, it's always a wax. It's not like an olive oil that pours out, but coconut oil, you take it. You take a little glob, you swish it around your mouth for 30 seconds. It's supposed to be really, really good for the bacteria. And you spit. That's what you spit.

[Jason]

So you got the flossing machine. So you had more time during your routine to do the coconut oil thing.

[Andy]

Exactly. It's got a name. It's like a coconut. No, I. There's a name to swishing your mouth with coconut oil, but that's for you. It's called oil pulling. Thank you. Pulling.

[Mike]

Yes. Josh is on fire, man.

[Andy]

When you're that old, wisdom is. I mean, wisdom.

[Mike]

Ah, he's on the Google.

[Andy]

Is it. Was that Google?

[Mike]

Oh, you knew that one?

[Andy]

My wife does it, on the other hand.

[Mike]

Oh, your wife's pretty crunchy, right?

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The baking soda is what popped into my head right away. If I could grab that and mix.

[Andy]

It with a ton. Don't people put baking soda on their toothpaste?

[Jason]

No, they just. It's called. It's baking soda. The company makes it.

[Mike]

Right. Morton's Arm and Hammer.

[Jason]

Arm and Hammer.

[Andy]

Arm and Hammer makes it. Yes, but I.

[Jason]

But that's a. More of a toothpaste mixed with baking soda.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Not just straight baking soda. What can.

[Mike]

What can't baking soda do?

[Andy]

Baking soda and vinegar, I feel they're.

[Mike]

Like, hey, oh, baking soda could take care of that. Just get some of that. We'll do it.

[Andy]

That's how I feel about vinegar.

[Jason]

You know, you can.

[Mike]

Oh, dude.

[Andy]

Dude, vinegar is like. It's a miracle.

[Mike]

It's magic.

[Andy]

Why don't we use.

[Jason]

It doesn't get big press because it don't make big checks.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's right.

[Jason]

Now, baking soda, by the way, you can just.

[Andy]

I'll bet vinegar can fix your teeth.

[Jason]

This is not a recommendation, but, like, you 100% can just drink a glass of baking soda.

[Andy]

Drink a glass of baking soda?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You can't drink powder.

[Mike]

It's probably Alka Seltzer when you mix it with alcohol.

[Andy]

Okay, well, there you go. You can't. Well, you gotta specify that.

[Jason]

I do not.

[Mike]

It wasn't.

[Andy]

You do for me.

[Jason]

Nobody else on the planet were going to be putting dry baking soda in a cup and trying to drink it.

[Andy]

Because that would be eating it. Yes, but that.

[Mike]

He said drinking it was implied.

[Jason]

Look, I've had to do that before for, like, really bad heartburn. You can do that.

[Mike]

So it's like Alka Seltzer.

[Jason]

It's.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

Yeah. What can't baking soda do? I bet you're like, hey, I'm feeling under the weather. Go soak your feet in some baking soda. You'll feel better.

[Andy]

You take a baking soda bath yet?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, man, your skin's getting wrinkly. Rub some baking soda on it.

[Mike]

Probably.

[Jason]

Probably have you put it on those cold sticks.

[Andy]

What if you put baking soda and vinegar together, that's either got the volcano.

[Jason]

That's the volcano.

[Andy]

Wait, no, for real?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Is that the ingredients that you don't know? You never made one?

[Andy]

No, I know that there is that thing, and I think I did it when I was a kid. No, I think I did it when I was a kid, but I didn't.

[Jason]

If you baked soda and then you just pour vinegar in it, it's okay.

[Andy]

So the two independent chemicals that are unbelievably perfect, apparently. Yeah, I mean, they are.

[Jason]

Science teachers are dying.

[Andy]

Those two things are so good by themselves that it's too strong if you put them together.

[Jason]

Are you dying, Papa? Josh, as a biologist, it really is.

[Andy]

Killing me right now.

[Jason]

If you swish, they're chemical opposites. That's why they both do a good job on both ends of it.

[Mike]

If you swish baking soda with vinegar in it in your teeth. I mean, how clean are they?

[Andy]

All your teeth have exploded out of your mouth. So no, that's what you pick them up and they're going to be so shiny. Look how clean that tooth is.

[Jason]

All right, we figured it out, man.

[Mike]

We are dumb.

[Jason]

I think it's time for us to take a break and draft.

[Andy]

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[Andy]

The Spitballers draft.

[Jason]

Sometimes we talk about geography on the other podcast on Accident and people enjoy the fact that we don't know it very well, especially Jason around the country about where things are. And the best part of that is we will talk about the geography of places we've never been and then we will all settle on the answer that we've figured it out and the answer that we settle on will be wrong.

[Mike]

Well, often that's what people say opinion.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's their opinion.

[Jason]

All right.

[Andy]

I'm pretty sure we're right.

[Jason]

We are drafting the worst ways to wake somebody up. I've got the 101 despite the fact you didn't hear my scat very well and I'm going to go pretty chalk here.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

I think that the chalk worst way to wake somebody up. It's probably something you're picturing in your head already. It is an air horn at point blank range.

[Mike]

Air horn is the number one on my list.

[Andy]

Ooh, not mine.

[Jason]

I'm going air horn. I just feel like it is consistent. You're not going to. There's no messing it up. You're waking the person up. They're going to hate you for it. That's the point of the draft. Mike, you're up.

[Mike]

Yeah. Air horn was the first one. Yeah. Oh, and you have to do that.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

If you just go with Frank, that's no good. You got to wake him up. I'm going to go. The bucket of cold water.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, that. I mean, we. Have you ever been woken up that way or woken anyone else up that way?

[Mike]

No, because I am a civilized human being.

[Andy]

So when we were coming up with these lists, Andy and I, I think had an easy time. Mike was struggling. And I think this is because you think of yourself as a civilized human being. You're not a prankster.

[Mike]

No.

[Andy]

You're not a gag guy. Me. I'll hold Andy's mute button down and get him so good.

[Jason]

Right, right, right.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Charlatan and me. I'll put poison in your. In your drink.

[Andy]

What?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Gotcha.

[Mike]

You need the antidote to the poison you just drank.

[Andy]

But yeah, I had fun putting this list together. Thankfully, my one on one is still there.

[Jason]

Oh, it's gonna be a fart.

[Andy]

Oh, it's a fart in the face. I knew it. It's a fart in the face. Man.

[Mike]

Look at this. Pink eye.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's why it's a bad way to wake up.

[Jason]

Look at it. That's more of a fringe. That's a fringe choice.

[Andy]

Oh, that's. I mean, you've got to think about.

[Jason]

What you got to do to accomplish that.

[Andy]

Oh, it's very easy.

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

Walk to the side of the bed, turn around, blow wind.

[Jason]

Their face is not necessarily facing the outside of the bed if it's facing upwards. You're telling me. I don't want to picture you climbing up on this bed.

[Mike]

You're not doing a full squat.

[Andy]

I'm not doing a full squat.

[Jason]

Imagine waking them up mid getting ready to fart on them. That's a real awkward situation.

[Andy]

I genuinely believe. Go back to sleep. I genuinely believe.

[Jason]

Squats.

[Andy]

Almost done. You're ruining this. You're ruining it. I genuinely believe and I'm saying this, of course, hypothetical. I have never and would never do this.

[Jason]

You would do this. But you may never have done it yet.

[Andy]

One of those things was true. Yeah, one of those things was true.

[Mike]

If not both.

[Andy]

But if they're laying on their back and their face is not facing the side. Works just fine.

[Jason]

You've got that.

[Andy]

You work just fine.

[Jason]

You got coverage.

[Andy]

You just go near enough and, you know, give a little.

[Jason]

You know what the real joke about that is? Is what if you don't wake them? There's just something worse about you just. You go in, you fart, then you walk out and they just breathe it for a while, while they're sleeping. That's the punishment.

[Mike]

Move on with keep sleeping. Oh, man. Did you, Jay, were you involved in as a youth, hitting people with, like, the power sit up? Are you. Do you know what I'm talking about when I say that?

[Andy]

That doesn't strike a bell.

[Mike]

No reminding anybody.

[Jason]

I don't know what that is.

[Mike]

The power sit up, strike a chord.

[Andy]

Where ring a bell.

[Mike]

Multiple people have to be in on the con. But you have like, someone lays on their back and you. And you hold like a towel or sheet over their head and like, try and make them, like, do a sit up. And so you're pushing against the force of someone holding you down. And then you go, hell, your turn to do it. And then you quickly move the towel and that person goes face first into a behind. Oh, you guys never heard of this?

[Andy]

Oh, but that's nice.

[Jason]

I can see it. But no, I never did.

[Mike]

Okay, so you were not involved in that, but now you have a new move.

[Andy]

Yeah, kids, try it.

[Jason]

Jason went fart in the face. I have air horn, Mike, bucket of cold water. Jason has a second pick.

[Andy]

I am going to go with hiding a scary clown next to them. Okay, so we've all seen. If you haven't seen these videos, they are awesome.

[Jason]

Now, I mean, point of clarity, that'll be. That's not going to wake them.

[Andy]

No, no, no. But I mean, you got to wait on it. You wait on it. Or you can just.

[Jason]

That's scaring somebody who's awake.

[Andy]

You wake them up with a clown in their face is the point. You can wake them up however you want.

[Jason]

You're kind of nuts. A little.

[Andy]

I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

[Jason]

That's not a word.

[Andy]

The videos where people are, you know, they wake up. They wake up and they look next to them. Right next to them is just scary clown or whatever horse is that. But, you know, you can do a million things. Just put something scary right next to him. Have them wake up to that. That's a good time. Yeah, Mike loves that idea.

[Jason]

Mike, you have a bucket of cold water. What's your next way to wake somebody up?

[Mike]

All right, the next one, man. Which one of these ones do I go with? All right, we're going to go. There was a. There was a popular show when we were youths of a group of guys who would do very stupid things, and it was really, really funny. And one of the things. One of the pranks that they would pull on each other, they called it antiquing. Now, this is. I'm just talking to the people at home. They know what I'm talking about. And antiquing was they would just take. They'd get a whole fistful of flour and then just spike it at the person's face because it wakes you up. And then the person like, you look like a statue.

[Andy]

Yeah. Oh, I love this idea. I love this.

[Jason]

So a fistful of powder.

[Mike]

So it's called antiquing.

[Andy]

Wow, man.

[Jason]

But that would. That'd be terrible.

[Mike]

And there's a whole giant mess.

[Andy]

The draft is the worst way to wake someone up. Slap them with a fistful of powder. That's fantastic.

[Jason]

Okay, well, look, I'll. I'll go with. I'm gonna go with the mariachi band.

[Andy]

Oh, that would be so awesome.

[Jason]

No, no, no, no.

[Mike]

Yes, it would.

[Jason]

You're now incoherently half awake with four strangers in your room.

[Mike]

Be like, bro, where's the chips and sauce?

[Jason]

Let's do this. I'm shocked that you don't love them or that you don't hate that.

[Mike]

As long as it's a regular time. Look, it's going to startle me, but then I'm going to be getting down to some mariachi music. I love mariachi.

[Jason]

Yeah, apparently we do. And then I'll go with full volume death metal. We'll go full volume death metal. Big speaker. Wake up. Wake up. Okay, Mike, it is back to you. So you've just thrown a fistful of flour in somebody's face.

[Andy]

Antiqued them.

[Mike]

Yeah. And so we have the bucket of cold water, and I'm going to go the complete opposite of this one. This one's going to take a little bit, but I'm going to crank that heat up.

[Andy]

Oh.

[Mike]

And then because it's not going to wake you up right away, you're going to just probably do the. Sweat them out, and then you're going to wake up. Be like, it's 80 degrees in here. This is awful.

[Jason]

I actually use that as a strategy for waking up during the School year for my wife and I. Like, I set our.

[Mike]

Because it sucks.

[Jason]

I said it.

[Andy]

It works.

[Jason]

I set it to go much hotter five or ten minutes before I need to get up, because I know we're going to want to get up, and we. Because if it's cold and you wake up, you want to nestle back into play.

[Andy]

Dude, my mattress. The great. It does that. So it goes, like, 5 degrees hotter than the room at my alarm clock time.

[Jason]

Imagine how many sales they'd have if they had sponsored the show.

[Andy]

Reach out.

[Mike]

All right, you're up, J. Oh, I'm up. You got two.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

Well, the first one is. I couldn't even write it. It was so hard to write this down.

[Jason]

Oh, no. You're gonna go with it?

[Andy]

I'm gonna go with it.

[Jason]

Oh, it's my last.

[Andy]

Oh, no, it's a tarantula on the face.

[Mike]

I had spider on the chest, but.

[Jason]

Tarantula on the face is my exact quote in my list.

[Andy]

If I woke up in that fashion, I would go back to sleep forever.

[Mike]

The long sleep.

[Andy]

The long sleep. I mean, my heart would burst out of that chest. The long sleep. Good night. So that's the worst thing ever. And then, you know, we've got a couple different loud things. You got the air horn. Heavy metal. I think the worst. I think worse than an air horn because, well, I mean, on par, at least is crash symbols. If you.

[Mike]

Drums.

[Andy]

Yeah. If you're just. Is that what they're called? The. When you hit them together?

[Mike]

Yeah, there's the symbols.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. The crash symbols. Where. Just one of those right next to someone. That is. Those are so loud and awful. Sorry to all the crashers out there, whatever you call yourself, I don't think they're offended.

[Mike]

Yeah, I don't. Jeremy, what would we call that person? Do you just call them. You're part of percussion. Yeah, I guess. Are you a symbolist?

[Andy]

It's like a marching Symbolist. Symbolist. Marching symbolism. That feels too, like, philosophical.

[Mike]

You're a symbolist.

[Jason]

Hey, I think you're right. So tarantula in the face, huh? And then symbols. Mike, you got your last pick.

[Mike]

All right. For the final one.

[Andy]

A symbolist.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Is that what it is? Yeah. All right.

[Andy]

Or a percussionist, but symbolist.

[Mike]

The last one. This one is a. This is a longer psychological warfare. And I'm going to shout out the late, great Mitch Hedberg, one comedian for this of. I'm just going to have cinnamon roll candles. I'm going to light them.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

Oh, That's.

[Mike]

They're going to wake up and be like, where's the cinnamon rolls?

[Jason]

Oh, man. There are none.

[Mike]

It was a ruse the whole time.

[Andy]

That's brutal. I mean, in my house, it would be like. Like bacon candles. Because it's a common thing where on the weekend, like, maybe someone's making first one ups.

[Mike]

Making bacon. Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh. If I woke up to the smell of bacon, and then I come out and it's a freaking candle. You're grounded. Whoever it is, you can't ground me. I'm your wife. You're grounded.

[Mike]

You put a bacon candle walking into the kitchen, trying to find. Locate the source of the actual cinnamon roll, only to find no cinnamon rolls.

[Jason]

That'd be brutal.

[Andy]

What a great way to wake up. And what an awful way to wake up.

[Jason]

Right?

[Mike]

Right.

[Jason]

Because technically, that's the best way to wake up. Like, if we did a draft of best ways to wake up, it would.

[Andy]

Be Folgers in your swish. Oh, man.

[Mike]

Is Folgers still around?

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

They're not doing so good anymore. They're not doing. They're not. They can't be doing that Great.

[Mike]

Like, they used to be on the TV.

[Jason]

They've got to have some loyalists between 72 and 81 years old out there. No, that's you. You ruined what I was saying. All right, air horn, mariachi band blasting death metal. And I'll close it out with. Look, it's not antiquing, but it's just as messy. We'll go pie in the face.

[Andy]

Question, question.

[Jason]

Pie in the face.

[Mike]

Whip, whipped cream or apple?

[Andy]

But are you making them do it to themselves?

[Mike]

No, no, no. The tickle, the face.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You put. You put shaving cream in the hand. You put the shaving cream in the hand. I have that on my list.

[Jason]

I'm gonna just.

[Andy]

You're just pin them.

[Jason]

I'm walking in, silently pying them and walking out of the room.

[Andy]

All right, I like it.

[Jason]

Can you die from that?

[Andy]

No, you can't die from that. You can eat your way out.

[Mike]

Not all of us can.

[Jason]

All right, that is the worst ways to wake somebody up.

[Mike]

No one went with the hand in the water, huh?

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

That's good to make you go pee pee.

[Jason]

Yeah, I. Yeah, I was pretty through. I did the feather tickle of the nose. Like, keep doing that until somebody wakes up. That's annoying.

[Andy]

I have just tickling. Just wake someone up with tickling smelling salts.

[Mike]

Oh, that'd be good.

[Andy]

That'd be good.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And then Ride that lightning.

[Andy]

I've got.

[Jason]

Wait, you have lightning?

[Mike]

No, I should ride the lightning of the smelling salts. It feels like you got zapped.

[Andy]

Electrocution. Yeah. The only other one I had was waking them up two hours early.

[Mike]

Oh, that's brutal.

[Andy]

That's brutal because sometimes you gotta get back to sleep.

[Jason]

Pull it off with the clock switch. Just for the room.

[Andy]

Oh, yes.

[Jason]

Just that room.

[Andy]

Yeah. You're supposed to be up at 6, so you set it to 6 when it's 4am Wake them up, they get up, they start getting ready, they come out of their room.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's me.

[Andy]

Isn't that in like. I think that's in some movie.

[Mike]

Someone has to have done that.

[Jason]

You got to get them out the door on the way to work so that when they find out it's when they pull up.

[Andy]

Go away for the school bus. What did we learn today? Breakfast is.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

A very easy word to say.

[Jason]

No. Breakfast. Breakfast.

[Mike]

Baking soda should cures all.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And I We need it should be treated as gold.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I learned that I need to protect my mute button while I scat because Jason's trying to strip the world of its joy, which smells like the sun.

[Mike]

Goodbye. Smell it. Goodbye.

[Andy]

Thanks for listening to the Spitball Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

[Jason]

And we want to thank our sponsor for supporting this episode.

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