Storage Stash & TV & Movie Titles to Describe Parenting - Comedy Podcast

Summary

SPITBALLERS COMEDY PODCAST – EPISODE SUMMARY

Podcast: Spitballers Comedy Podcast
Episode: "Storage Stash & TV & Movie Titles to Describe Parenting"
Date: March 9, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

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EPISODE OVERVIEW

In this lively, award-winning installment of the Spitballers Podcast, hosts Andy, Mike, and Jason explore the chaos, hilarity, and challenges of parenting—all through the lens of TV and movie titles that capture the experience. The trio, each dads of three, also tackle ridiculous "Would You Rather" scenarios, entertain wild hypothetical situations in the Situation Room, debate the logistics of storage-unit treasure hunts, and, of course, bring their signature clean humor and playful banter throughout.

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KEY SEGMENTS & DISCUSSIONS

The Burden (or Futility) of Toilet Hygiene (04:22–13:24)

Discussion Points:

• Would you rather: Always use a toilet seat cover or never sit on a toilet again?
• The trio debates the utility (or lack thereof) of toilet seat covers and public bathroom habits.
• They explore “hovering” and the physical challenges it entails, with plenty of cheeky humor.

Notable Quotes:

• Andy (06:54): "Do you care how dirty your butt is?"
• Jason (07:28): "If I had to sit on some legs, that’s the paper thing on the urinal…and my butt cheeks get all sorts of dirty, I don’t care."
• Mike (08:11): "How strong are my quads?"

Memorable Moment:
The guys riff on the idea of sitting directly on the toilet rim and the dangers (08:11), ultimately agreeing that “dirty butt cheeks” really don’t matter as much as avoiding someone else’s pee.

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Wilderness Survival: Rainforest vs. Ocean (12:00–21:02)

Would You Rather: Survive overnight in the Amazon rainforest or afloat off the coast of South Africa with just a life preserver and arm floaties?

Discussion Points:

• Fear factor: ocean darkness and dangling feet vs. endless rainforest creatures.
• Probability of encountering sharks vs. rainforest dangers.
• How darkness and storms affect their imagined survival.

Notable Quotes:

• Andy (14:08): "In the rainforest…there’s going to be constant things touching my legs…I will never get over it."
• Mike (15:01): "I honestly think your best chance of survival is the ocean."
• Jason (19:13): "Sharks instinctively detect dropping barometric pressure and move to deep calm waters to avoid rough surface conditions. The storm is a guarantee of no sharks."

Memorable Moment:
A tangent into the terrors of the rainforest’s Siafu ants (21:13), with Andy searching "Siafu" and Mike joking, "Those things are, like, three feet tall" (22:03).

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Money Games: Lumpsum vs. Daily Gift Card (22:15–23:13)

Would You Rather:

• $2,000/month lump sum for free spending
• Or $150/day on a Visa gift card (expires daily)?

Discussion Points:

• The group agrees the daily Visa is more useful for everyday expenses like takeout and groceries.
• "I'm gonna take the Visa because food. Exactly. I'm gonna put that Visa on…Grubhub." – Andy (22:52)

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The Situation Room: The Storage Unit Treasure Hunt (25:04–33:32)

Hypothetical:
You get a key to a storage unit (within 100 miles) containing $10–$10 million; 30 days to find it, or sell the key back instantly for $5,000.

Discussion Points:

• Debating the feasibility of searching 255,000+ units.
• Strategies: outsourcing, duplicating the key, and the adventure of the hunt.
• Fantasy of running their own real-life treasure hunt for fans.

Notable Quotes:

• Jason (29:58): "The $5,000 doesn’t come with an adventure, brother. I want the adventure."
• Andy (33:20): "I want to do this. I want to hide something and make people have to waste their life on my game for no reason."

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Extreme Endurance: Paid Boredom (33:45–37:41)

Scenario:
How long could you sit absolutely still, in silence, for $500/hour—no phone, no sleep, no talking?

Discussion Points:

• Pee/poop logistics, fighting boredom, failing at sleep deprivation.
• What’s worse: busywork (fast food) or "raw-dog sitting" for big money?

Notable Quotes:

• Mike (35:59): "You won’t make it."
• Jason (36:21): "You get paid three times the money…and all you do is sit and stare… How long do you actually last?"

Memorable Moment:
Jason compares it to sitting through a long flight, Andy insists, "I'm telling you, I just did this. I did an 11-hour…flight…just sat there." (38:19)

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Dad Skills Triathlon (40:25–43:03)

Event:
Three-part competition—parallel parking, building an IKEA bunk bed, packing a car with luggage.

Assignments:

• Andy: Assembling the IKEA bed ("I trust him more." – 40:57)
• Jason: Parallel parking
• Mike: Tetris-ing all the luggage into the SUV

Memorable Moment:
Their playful roast of each other's skills, and unanimous support for their areas of strength.

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MAIN EVENT: Drafting TV & Movie Titles That Describe Parenting (45:38–56:13)

Format:
Snake draft—each selects the TV/movie titles that best encapsulate parenting experiences.

Top Picks & Rationales:

• Jason:
  • Lord of the Flies (“Parenting is chaos, kids go wild.” – 45:49)
  • Everything Everywhere All At Once (“A never-ending cycle of mess and motion.” – 51:20)
  • The Hunger Games
  • The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (“There is lots of good, there’s lots of bad, there’s lots of ugly.” – 57:04)
• Mike:
  • The Parent Trap (“Because you know what? It’s a trap and no one tells you.” – 46:34)
  • Survivor
  • Neverending Story
  • Problem Child
• Andy:
  • We Bought a Zoo (“Parenting in my house is We Bought a Zoo.” – 47:50)
  • Monsters, Inc.
  • Daddy Daycare
  • It’s a Wonderful Life (“That’s what I’m currently giving the period…when they are gone.” – 55:00)

Other Notable Titles Mentioned:

• Mission Impossible, Sleepless in Seattle, Lost, Inside Out, Series of Unfortunate Events, Groundhog Day, The Purge, Apocalypse Now, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

Memorable Quotes:

• Mike (46:55): "Everything that makes you you is gone. You are just a parental unit. You are just an Uber driver and a chef."
• Andy (47:12): "Now my family is five. Now my family is 500."
• Jason (52:04): "By the time you finish cleaning breakfast stuff, dad wins. Lunch. You finished lunch? Hey, is it dinner yet?"

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TAKEAWAYS & CLOSING (58:06–58:53)

Learnings:

• Mike: "I learned it doesn’t matter how dirty your butt cheeks are."
• Andy: "I would like to do dozens of contests worth between $10 and $10 million…I’ll foot the bill."
• Jason: Echoed the importance of embracing the good, bad, and ugly of parenting.

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NOTABLE QUOTES – RAPID-FIRE

• Andy (25:36): "Does it bring you existential peace to know…we change people’s lives?"
• Mike (29:58): "I’ll see you guys in a month."
• Jason (35:21): "Your work is eight hours of sitting. My raw dog work."
• Mike (52:25): "The parent trap, I got Survivor, and I got the Neverending Story. Because it never stops happening."
• Jason (57:04): "There’s lots of good, there’s lots of bad, there’s lots of ugly."

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HIGHLIGHTED TIMESTAMPS

• [04:22] – Bathroom hygiene debate
• [12:00] – Ocean vs. Rainforest survival
• [22:15] – Visa gift card vs. lump sum
• [25:04] – Storage stash key scenario
• [33:45] – Paid boredom “sit still” challenge
• [40:25] – Dad skill triathlon
• [45:38] – TV/movie title draft
• [58:06] – What did we learn today?

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OVERALL TONE & STYLE

• Playful, irreverent, and authentic
• Genuine reflections on parenting, blended with absurdity
• Open banter with recurring in-jokes and self-mockery
• Occasional real-life advice delivered with a wink

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This episode is a perfect blend of relatable parental anecdotes, pop-culture silliness, and the outlandish "what ifs" that define Spitballers. For both new listeners and long-time fans, it’s a hilarious window into the chaos—and joy—of raising kids and keeping your sense of humor intact.

Transcript

[Andy]

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[Mike]

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[Andy]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason

[Mike]

Skin Liddly. I like. I like the skittley diddly, though.

[Andy]

Like the mink bonk. I'm okay with that. And I love hating on this.

[Mike]

Like, you sounded like you were buffering in the middle.

[Jason]

Yeah, okay, that was the part I thought of the skiddly and the diddly, and that was where it ended. I am so tired of scatting.

[Andy]

I'm so tired. I shall sell you more Scots.

[Jason]

Oh, I'll probably. I'll probably have to make a deal with you, but, man, I would love it if I was done with the scouts. But at least this time I get the pick. I get the first.

[Andy]

That's true. That is true. I get the last pick. Last time you had the scat and I got the first pick. This is way worse.

[Jason]

Welcome into the spitballers podcast. Episode 359.

[Mike]

There is a 101.

[Jason]

We're happy.

[Mike]

I just want. I want people there's a one on one for that. There is a 101.

[Jason]

That's the kind of pressure I can't handle.

[Mike]

101.

[Jason]

We're drafting TV or movie titles that best describe parenting children. And there's a 101. You said.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

I don't.

[Al]

Right.

[Mike]

Out the door.

[Andy]

Out the door. I am not so sure. I know that. It's funny because we have. We each have three kids. We each have two boys and a girl.

[Mike]

There's a one on one.

[Andy]

We each have two boys and a girl. I think I know what it is. I have the same exact.

[Jason]

I think I know what it is.

[Andy]

We all have the same exact age ranges.

[Jason]

Yeah. It's better now than it used to be.

[Andy]

And yet I feel like for me

[Jason]

and you, we have such.

[Andy]

We have such different experiences.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

So, like, I wonder if our movie titles will overlap more.

[Jason]

You saying titles that describe your happiness, it's a problem for us.

[Andy]

Right? Like if I. If I'm like Pursuit of Happiness. Yeah, that's a good title.

[Jason]

Yeah. It doesn't work for us. We're playing some. Would you rather. We got the Situation Room today and we're happy to have you with us at Spitballers Pot over on X. We. We would always appreciate your reviews. If you subscribe and review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, that does us a favor. It takes a couple seconds and helps us out in the algorithm. We appreciate it. If you want to hear more of the show, that's one way you can help support. Let's jump right in.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice 1]

Would you rather.

[Jason]

Well, we have a Patreon question. Would you rather have to use one of those paper toilet seat covers which every single time you sit on the toilet.

[Mike]

I mean, like, are those, Are those doing anything?

[Andy]

Have you ever used one?

[Jason]

I have, yeah, I've used one.

[Andy]

How many? How many?

[Jason]

Once or twice.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's the same.

[Mike]

I have. I no longer.

[Jason]

I felt like an idiot.

[Mike]

I just. I wipe. I wipe down.

[Andy]

Oh, you. You pre wipe the seat?

[Mike]

Well, because. Have you been in a. Okay, hold on, hold on.

[Andy]

Are you saying obviously if I go.

[Mike]

You ever been in a stall where there was not peep?

[Andy]

Yes, plenty of times. I have been to a stall.

[Mike]

Plenty. It's every time.

[Andy]

No, no, no. I'm saying plenty of times I go into a stall and it's not covered in piss.

[Mike]

What?

[Andy]

Obviously if it is, I would wipe it down. I'm not sitting in another man's pee pee. That's not happening.

[Mike]

That's what we're talking about.

[Andy]

Off limits. But if you go in, if you go into pee pee.

[Mike]

Don't touch these cheeks.

[Andy]

That's right. I mean, my pee pee could touch your. Pee pee's not touching my cheeks. Here's the thing. If you go. I'm just curious.

[Mike]

My pee pee's clean.

[Andy]

If you were to go into sterile, a public stall and it appears to be free of liquid, do you wipe down just to.

[Mike]

You do.

[Jason]

I don't. I don't.

[Andy]

I've never.

[Jason]

I mean, what am I talking about?

[Andy]

I don't poop in public. Well, you don't pee sitting down there just for fun.

[Jason]

You do that in public.

[Mike]

In public.

[Andy]

We just uncovered something. You're in public and you are so

[Mike]

tired and lazy, brother. At home in my own domicile, sure, Yeah. I love a sit down.

[Andy]

Oh, you're gonna sit down?

[Mike]

I love a sit down. Just. I'm gonna relax. Hands free.

[Jason]

You can't be bothered to just stand in public.

[Mike]

I would if I would if I was number one. Only I have zero times done that.

[Jason]

Zero times.

[Andy]

So it's not zero for you. Don't hear what I'm not. I'm hearing everything you're not saying. If I have to, I'm the one

[Mike]

leaving the BP on the toilet seats for me.

[Andy]

If I have to just pee in a public restroom, I am of course using a urinal 100 out of 100

[Mike]

times, even if they're stalls only.

[Andy]

So if you have to pee and you walk into a bathroom and it's

[Mike]

stalls only, you're pants down, Hands up.

[Jason]

Yeah, brother, me too.

[Mike]

This is what everybody else does up there.

[Andy]

If I go to a stall that if I'm at a seat, I'm gonna sit.

[Jason]

See, this is. This brings up the whole issue of, like, here's the truth. Do you care how dirty your butt is?

[Andy]

No.

[Jason]

Does it really matter?

[Andy]

The outside of my cheeks? I don't care.

[Jason]

The outside of your butt can get as dirty as it. We think we need to keep it clean.

[Mike]

It's a fair question. But I still won't do that.

[Jason]

No, I don't want meatloaf.

[Mike]

I would do, but I won't do to my butt cheeks.

[Andy]

Here's the thing. If I were to sit down, but I won't do that with my butt cheeks on.

[Jason]

He sits on the urinal.

[Mike]

What is this? Kinky.

[Andy]

If I had to sit on, you know, some legs, that's the paper thing on the urinal. And for some reason, I don't have Pants on. And my butt cheeks get all sorts of dirty. I don't care.

[Jason]

No, it doesn't matter.

[Andy]

My head. It's really. What you care about is someone else's pee. I don't want to. And that has nothing to do with butt cheeks or legs or any part of me. No part of me can have.

[Mike]

Yeah, I agree with that.

[Andy]

Not my pee.

[Jason]

On it. No, your pee is your own. Yeah, that's what we always say here.

[Mike]

I mean, as on the inside as the outside.

[Jason]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I didn't even get through the. Halfway through the question.

[Andy]

Oh, there was a question.

[Jason]

Would you rather have to use one of the toilet paper seat covers every time you sit on any toilet? Okay, so that's your home toilet. I mean, it's your home toilet. You got to do it.

[Mike]

It doesn't do anything, but. Or it's uncomfortable.

[Jason]

Or never be able to sit on any toilet seat again. So no sitting.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. What are you hovering?

[Jason]

I guess for the number twos. You are.

[Andy]

You're doing number two.

[Mike]

How strong are my quads?

[Jason]

Squatted.

[Al]

You can either squat or you can

[Andy]

sit on the rim.

[Jason]

What do you mean? He means lift the lid. Yeah, I could learn how to do that.

[Andy]

Seat up. You're on the ledge.

[Jason]

I feel like that's a real dangerous dip.

[Andy]

That's a dangerous dip. But that's. It's doable. It's uncomfortable. Those are not made.

[Mike]

I have never.

[Jason]

No, they're not made for seating.

[Mike]

I have never.

[Andy]

No, I have accidentally.

[Jason]

Well, but like, the seat was up and you went.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's like midnight, but accidentally.

[Mike]

You sat down, you dipped, and you went, whoa. You weren't like, well, when in Rome.

[Andy]

That's true. That's true. That's a get up and fix the situation.

[Mike]

Not like I'm saying I'm here. I've never performed duties.

[Jason]

Man.

[Andy]

I want to try. I want to try. I want to try to take a dump on the rim.

[Mike]

You're going to be in balance.

[Andy]

Dump on the rim. But I want to get on the rim and take a dump.

[Mike]

The amount of leg strength. I want to poop on the ground.

[Andy]

I've done that.

[Jason]

I've been wanting to poop on the ground. Wait, you pooped on the ground?

[Andy]

I mean, I've gone camping.

[Jason]

What's happened?

[Andy]

He's talking about camping in the woods. You pooped on the ground. I'm not talking about that. Well, you said poop on the ground. I pooped on the ground.

[Mike]

That's not the ground.

[Andy]

The ground.

[Jason]

That's we're talking about toilets, okay? The ground near a toilet. The toilet's not sitting there in the. You don't go out in the woods and find a toilet.

[Andy]

I make a toilet. But I do think I have a nice one. Pooping might be hard. I'll try to sit down to pee on a rim tonight.

[Jason]

I'm fine with the toilet seat covers. I could get used to that. They're worthless. They're a little slip sliding.

[Andy]

You can't, you cannot do the thing where you can't sit on a seat. No, because like, let's just imagine that's your quiet time average every day. Let's say you're just super regular. You're super regular. This is easy peasy. I just. You could make that work. You could, you could sit on the ram and you'll be fine. But every now and then there are situations that just. You're sick. Right?

[Mike]

Right. I'm gonna be here a while.

[Andy]

You're gonna be here a while. You got diarrhea. You're sweating.

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

Your body is revolting. I'm not sitting on a rim and I'm certainly not hovering. Imagine like the, the optim.

[Mike]

Would you take like stand up breaks?

[Andy]

You'd have to.

[Jason]

You'd have to. You'd have to be like.

[Mike]

Which is a problem in itself.

[Jason]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Squat.

[Andy]

You'd have to install.

[Jason]

That's what you have.

[Andy]

You'd have to install the like, the like bars. Oh no, people like. Yeah, you know, safety bars.

[Jason]

Yeah, you have to.

[Andy]

I would want one hanging from the ceiling. So I could just hang, Just levitate bat. Yeah.

[Mike]

Would you rather have. Would you rather go rim or have a pull up bar that you. You hover?

[Andy]

I'd rather go rim.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

I can't, I can't do the levitate thing, so. Which means putting the little stupid unnecessary paper. Yeah, fine.

[Jason]

Yeah. The worst thing about the papers is like they don't do a lot and then they definitely are not absorbent. They're like onion skin paper. Yeah. So if there is pee on the rim or on the seat, it's not

[Andy]

absorbing it, smushing it out.

[Jason]

Just goes straight through to the butt cheek.

[Mike]

I mean, how about like just. Can't we have some kind of spray that like anti bacterial, like in between.

[Andy]

You don't need it. Like that's the whole point we're saying is.

[Jason]

Yeah, your butt cheeks can get as dirty as you want.

[Andy]

Exactly. They're made.

[Mike]

You're telling me germs don't move around?

[Andy]

I'M telling you, they don't go on

[Mike]

a hobbit expedition like I'm going to Mordor.

[Andy]

They might go to their, their volcano.

[Mike]

The one ring.

[Andy]

Their volcano. Their one ring that they're looking for is not going to affect me.

[Jason]

Me.

[Andy]

It's where they came from. Is this where you belong? Get your home.

[Jason]

Carl from X. Would you rather be stranded overnight, unprotected in the middle of the Amazon rainforest?

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

Or in the middle of the ocean off the coast of South Africa with nothing but a life preserver and some children's arm floaties?

[Mike]

Wait, overnight?

[Andy]

But I have.

[Jason]

Are these both overnight alborland?

[Al]

Yes, they're both.

[Andy]

What is a life preserver?

[Jason]

What is a life preserver?

[Al]

One of those rings on a ship that they throw to you.

[Andy]

Okay, that's what I was wondering. I didn't know. Life saver raft or, or a, or, or a. Okay, that's.

[Mike]

So it's not a. Because a life preserver is the. A life jacket is what we're used to.

[Jason]

So that makes the difference for you.

[Andy]

Well, people don't have life preserve if this was a tiny little boat or a life jacket. It's neither. It's the ring. Okay, so I'm in a ring with floaties.

[Jason]

Yeah. Double, double protect.

[Andy]

Or I am in the Amazon rainforest.

[Jason]

I think the mental game in both is going to be really, really hard, if I'm being honest. No, because the rainforest, when it gets dark in the rainforest, that is a horrific. There are bugs. I've seen enough Nat Geo serpents and dinosaurs. There are. You don't live, you don't survive the size of Canada. But in the ocean you're just. Your feet are just dangling like. I try to not. I would try to sit. I try to get up in that life preserver. Like legs up and out. Like I'm sitting in it like a, like a, like a tube. Like a tube.

[Mike]

The freeze still very.

[Jason]

In the water. Bite my butt.

[Andy]

The first 10 minutes, the first 30 minutes, the first hour, I'm going to be freaking out about my legs. My legs down there for the sharks to just eat on.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

After an hour I think that fades and dissipates because.

[Mike]

Because the sharks are gone.

[Andy]

Because there's probably not sharks there. Like statistically speaking, it would be very rare in a random spot for there to be sharks there. And so more than likely nothing ever touches my legs. And so after an hour, even though I mentally care about it quite a bit, I just will start to forget other things will be on my mind. And I won't, I won't even pay attention to that anymore. However, on the other side in the rainforest where when I'm scared about creepy crawlies, there's going to be constant things touching my legs, crawling on my legs. I will never get over it.

[Mike]

What would the, what's the temps? Okay. Well actually no rainy full time out coast of South Africa.

[Andy]

Yeah. What are you learning?

[Mike]

I'm not learning. I already learned.

[Jason]

Too cold.

[Mike]

No great whites.

[Jason]

No. I'm seeing that you're getting a cataclysmic decline of great whites around the coast of South Africa. There's 350 to 522 remain.

[Mike]

That too much? 350 too many.

[Jason]

I, I don't know enough about the rainforest, but I think there's stuff out there we don't even.

[Mike]

Oh, you know, you're not making it overnight. We're not making it overnight.

[Andy]

Yeah, see, you know that I got to consider making it all right in the ocean.

[Mike]

I honestly think your best chance of survival is the ocean.

[Andy]

I do too.

[Mike]

And I think unless it's cold, I don't know the temperature down there. I don't know if you can survive in the water. I don't know if you'll hypothermia or not.

[Andy]

Well, what month is this?

[Jason]

If they bite, if the shark bites my legs off, but my legs are numb, it'll be fine.

[Mike]

Yeah, I mean you'll bleed out.

[Andy]

The temperatures are going to be fine. December through February. The water is 74 to 84 degrees. That's right. So it's not arctic and the others, we're talking 64. We're not doing a tight 73. We're okay. We're going to survive at night.

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jason]

Josh thinks that the pitch black ocean at night is the scariest. I think it's pitch black ocean.

[Andy]

You know how good I'm going to sleep.

[Mike]

You're not sleeping.

[Jason]

Is it better? Hold on.

[Mike]

Zero minutes.

[Jason]

Detour. Detour. Would you rather better to be pitch black or the moon is full? Which is worse? The moon scary?

[Mike]

The pitch black.

[Andy]

Well, in the rainforest the moon would not apply, but let's just say do you want to see or not see

[Jason]

which is some of the water?

[Mike]

The darker it is the worst. I was, I was just at a.

[Andy]

That's probably true.

[Mike]

I went to like hotel in Sedona with my wife. Right. It's just, it, it's adults and we had, we had the, we have this like a nice view because that's what it's it's supposed to be an environmental type of, of a place, so huge windows in your room and everything. But Sedona is a. I think they call it a dark city. I don't know what else. But there's like, there's rules about light for.

[Jason]

As in they don't.

[Andy]

For the stars.

[Mike]

For light pollution. Yeah. Like if you've never looked at the sky in Sedona, it's awesome. It's gnarly. Like it's light pollution. Good way light. Yeah, in a great way. Like light pollution sounds hilariously stupid until you go someplace that it's actually dark and you can see. Oh no, there's actually infinity stars up in the sky and I can only see like 10 of them where we live in.

[Andy]

I was in my 20s before I realized that that was a thing.

[Mike]

It's it. The first time you see it, it's very eye opening.

[Andy]

But anyway, you look up, you go out front your house right now and you look up at the stars and there kind of aren't any. Yes, there's a handful. And then you go out into the middle of the woods or a city where there's no city of lights on the ground. You look up and it's like they are still there.

[Mike]

Yes, there are so many. But you could do the thing where you go up to the window and you could see maybe 15ft out because it was that dark. But there was. There was like a tree line and the trees kind of have a. That effect of where the light is haloing. So. And it's cold and so it's misty. And when you look out, like beyond the wall, brother, you look out this window.

[Andy]

Terrifying.

[Mike]

There is 100% guaranteed there's gigantic monsters out there beyond the tree line, which is 10ft in front of our civilized. Yeah, very fancy hotel. There's monsters out there. So when it's dark and you're a human outside, scary. It's a. It's a.

[Jason]

Give me the ocean.

[Mike]

It's. It's.

[Jason]

I can't have terrifying. I can't have weird centipede frogs climbing all on me.

[Andy]

Dude, I would. I would never get to sleep in the rainforest.

[Mike]

You won't sleep either place.

[Andy]

I know eventually I'll fall asleep in the ocean. I'm not going to get a good, solid, uninterrupted eight hours.

[Mike]

I think you'll get three to five minutes of sleep at a time.

[Andy]

That might be true, but I will get zero. You're not on a lazy route. I will get zero to zero minutes of Sleep in the rainforest.

[Jason]

Here's another detour because these are popping in my head. Would you rather do the night in stillness of the ocean and the fear of that pitch black or a storm? Because I feel like the shark's not getting me in the storm. But the storm is awful.

[Andy]

Without a doubt it's stillness because that doesn't affect. I don't think there's no shark situation. What do you mean?

[Jason]

The sharks aren't chilling near the surface.

[Mike]

No, no.

[Jason]

There's 20 foot snow going way down.

[Mike]

There's no storms down there.

[Jason]

Yeah, they don't hate. They do not hang out near the storm swells.

[Andy]

Here's what I know that I can.

[Jason]

And they're not riding 20 foot swells

[Mike]

and jumping, jumping out.

[Andy]

Look, if it's no way they're up, oh, storm.

[Mike]

I'll go down 20ft and I'm solid. Okay.

[Andy]

Either way, I can't see my feet in this water at night. Right. I can't see my feet.

[Mike]

I mean if you had a full

[Jason]

moon, you could probably see sharks instinctively detect dropping barometric pressure and move to deep calm, stable water to avoid rough surface conditions. That storm is a guarantee of no sharks.

[Andy]

That's what I'm saying now that you read that and I have this knowledge,

[Jason]

the knowledge that we were telling you beforehand, but go on.

[Andy]

Sure. But I didn't know that you didn't believe it and I of course did not believe what you said.

[Jason]

Yes. Now would you want the storm if I need go for a ride?

[Andy]

For sure.

[Jason]

You got a floating. You're coming to the surface.

[Andy]

We're not talking like hurricane.

[Jason]

We're talking the one that George Clooney was in.

[Andy]

No, I don't want the perfect storm.

[Mike]

The perfect storm.

[Andy]

I don't want that. That is a shark.

[Mike]

There is no storm greater than the perfect storm.

[Andy]

It's literally the perfect. It's not like a perfect storm.

[Mike]

Have you seen that?

[Andy]

The perfect storm.

[Mike]

Of course he's underwater.

[Jason]

What do you think I'm going for?

[Mike]

And Marky Mark is like, yo, George, let's swim to safety. He's like, yeah, we're going to do that. And then he slinks back down to the tank.

[Jason]

Okay, it's not the perfect storm. It's an imperfect storm.

[Mike]

Okay, now we're tossing.

[Andy]

My point is if this is weather where I don't have to fight against it to essentially just stay floating on it, then I will choose that. If this is weather where like they're

[Jason]

crashing is if it's raining in the rainforest that's better too.

[Andy]

I agree completely there.

[Jason]

I'd rather be raining in the bugs and the creatures.

[Andy]

Yeah, the flying things aren't out in the rain.

[Jason]

Yeah, they're getting bum. I mean, can the rain get down to you, though?

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, it'll drip from the canopy.

[Jason]

I feel like neither being rained on

[Mike]

when you're in the ocean is really insult to injury.

[Andy]

Yeah, I got enough water down here. I don't need water.

[Jason]

How about.

[Mike]

There's more water. Fill her up.

[Jason]

All right, well, look, I'm taking the ocean. I'm gonna take the ocean.

[Mike]

I think you survive better in the ocean, even if it's scarier.

[Jason]

Al, do we have time for one more? Should we move on?

[Mike]

Oh, there's so many Amazon.

[Jason]

All right, one more.

[Mike]

You seen those ants?

[Jason]

There's everything in there has been. They got hgh up in that rainforest.

[Mike]

I mean, those ants, they ended up in what, that Indiana Jones Siafu? Papa Joshua. Yeah, that's the ants that you don't mess with.

[Andy]

I don't know of these. How do you spell that?

[Jason]

Sounds like an Egyptian God that's coming to get you. These are sick. I, A F, U. No, that's an Egyptian guy.

[Andy]

They have wings.

[Mike]

These are ants that, like, legit. Will take a chunk of. No, they'll take babies.

[Andy]

Like, they'll kill a baby.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

They don't take them. They don't lift them up.

[Jason]

I don't.

[Mike]

I mean, I don't.

[Jason]

That part. I don't know.

[Mike]

I'm just saying, like, they are terrifying ants that work and they have, like, the.

[Jason]

I'm creeped out by what I'm seeing on Google.

[Mike]

You have, like. You have the true workers. Those things are, like, I don't know, three feet tall.

[Andy]

These ants have just lobster claws.

[Mike]

They're buff. Mike from like, they bench, like, 150, the website.

[Jason]

Yeah. More than I can. Would you rather receive 2k per month in a lumps? A lump sum in your bank account that you can do whatever you want with? 2k a month or $150 per day on a Visa gift card that expires at midnight every day?

[Andy]

Oh, oh, that's really the math thing. That's actually really.

[Jason]

4,500 is double the money per day,

[Andy]

but you can't spend more than $150 ever.

[Jason]

That's the. That's the big challenge, right?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I mean, I like the permission to spend. I like that part of the gift card. Like, if I'm. If I'm halfway through the day, and I got $78 left. I'm like, I got. I gotta go spend. I think I'm doing the right thing.

[Mike]

I think that I'm taking the Visa.

[Andy]

I think I'm gonna take the Visa because food. Exactly. It's just all this does is I'm gonna put that Visa on.

[Mike]

Guaranteed feedback and dinner every day.

[Andy]

Or my grubhub or Postmates, whatever, Whatever. Lazy dinner. And I will order free food every day. And if I only spend $120, I'm fine because I spent 120.

[Mike]

That's smart. That one's actually easier than I thought it was going to be.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

What.

[Andy]

I mean, what's $2,000 a day?

[Jason]

I mean, it's going to be half. It's less than half that money.

[Mike]

I would rather take two.

[Andy]

Basically 66 bucks.

[Jason]

Yeah. All right, easy one. Let's take a break. Come back with the situation room. What's going on? Spit wads. Look. A thoughtfully built wardrobe comes down to pieces that mix well. And last. And that's where Quince shines. In fact, there were like three or four boxes from Quint sitting on our like in our closet at home. And my wife had picked up premium fabrics considered design everyday essentials that feel effortless to wear and dependable even as the seasons change. Quince has the everyday essentials you'll love with the quality that lasts. My favorite, the lightweight cashmere sweater. So comfortable. It's perfect. We. We can't do more than a lightweight sweater here in Arizona. We'll die. It's. That's about light. Lightweight is as big as we get. But look it, it's, it's awesome. Comfortable, fits well. Versatile. It makes your wardrobe work. Right now go to quints.com spitballers for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to wear it and love it. And you will. Now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to q U-I-N-C-E.com spitballers for free shipping and 365 day returns.

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[Andy]

The Situation Realm.

[Jason]

Al, can I ask you a question? Are you here? You're here, right?

[Al]

I'm here.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Al]

Sitting right in front of you.

[Jason]

It was for the audience, it was a little bit of showmanship. Just play along.

[Al]

Oh, my bad.

[Jason]

Does it comfort you? Like, does it bring you a lot of, like, existential peace to know that, like, these situations come up, you don't know how to answer them? Nobody really knows how to answer them. You have the three of us to bring to the show. Like, you can bring these questions up on the show on a regular basis. People's lives are changed. Does that bring you, like, peace?

[Al]

It does, but I. I get these questions, like, weeks in advance. So I'm sitting in there.

[Andy]

That's.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh. So they're questions. They're not. Their problems aren't solved yet.

[Al]

This is still a big problem.

[Andy]

I have to imagine, though, that you can sleep pretty well at night knowing that solutions are coming.

[Jason]

The solutions are coming.

[Andy]

Like, you know they're going to come. You know they're going to be right.

[Al]

That's what gets me through it.

[Jason]

Peaceful.

[Mike]

I mean, did you hear that convo about dirty butt cheeks?

[Jason]

That was. That was.

[Mike]

We are saving lives.

[Andy]

You don't need to worry about dirty.

[Mike]

Yeah, your butt cheeks can be as dirty as possible.

[Andy]

They're just going back to more and more.

[Jason]

All right, our first situation comes from DJ on Patreon. I'm in. A mysterious envelope has arrived on your door. Inside is a key.

[Andy]

Oh, fun.

[Jason]

And a note that reads, this key opens one storage unit within a 100 mile radius of your home.

[Andy]

100 mile radius.

[Jason]

Inside is something worth between $10 and $10 million. You may sell the key back to me right now for $5,000 guaranteed.

[Andy]

Boom, soldier.

[Jason]

Or keep the key and attempt to find the unit. But the unit will be repossessed in 30 days.

[Andy]

In 30.

[Mike]

Sir, I don't know if you realize.

[Jason]

Hold on, hold on.

[Mike]

What a hundred mile radius looks like.

[Andy]

Hold on, hold on.

[Jason]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Mike]

I'm gonna.

[Jason]

I'm gonna help. I'm gonna help us get into this situation here. Because this key only works on one unit.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

You got 30 days to try as many units as you want.

[Andy]

I will say this. You can absolutely find this unit.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, you can.

[Andy]

You can. If you've got 30 days where you're taking off work, you don't work anymore. Your job is. I go from unit to unit within 100 mile radius. And I just put the key in one. And I just walk down every single aisle. I will bet you there are.

[Mike]

Every single aisle.

[Andy]

I'm saying there are 500,000 storage units in.

[Jason]

That's. So that's. That's the question. 30 days.

[Mike]

Oh, a store. Okay. Okay.

[Andy]

You. You could use whatever resources you have, though.

[Al]

You could outsource. You could pay people out of your. What are you doing over there?

[Jason]

People.

[Al]

But you might lose money on the.

[Jason]

Can you duplicate the key?

[Al]

That's a good point.

[Andy]

Of course you can.

[Jason]

You can duplicate the key. Look, I'm going to tell you right now how many storage.

[Mike]

First off, there are. I didn't even. I didn't even hear storage unit. So I was just thinking there's a chest somewhere within 100. I'm like, no, no, no, that's impossible.

[Jason]

You should have heard what I said.

[Mike]

I'm hearing you now.

[Andy]

Okay, so how many storage units do you think are within.

[Jason]

There are on average 465 storage facilities.

[Al]

Facilities.

[Mike]

This is easy.

[Jason]

Within 100 mile range.

[Andy]

Okay, but so each facility has what, like how many thousands?

[Jason]

That's. I mean probably a storage facility probably has about 100 to 200 units. I'm guessing no more than that.

[Mike]

How many can you. How many facilities can you cover in one day?

[Jason]

A few.

[Andy]

Five or six.

[Mike]

So there is. There's a chance.

[Jason]

550 units per.

[Mike]

I have my spray bottle.

[Jason]

550 units per facility. Get him. But.

[Mike]

There we go.

[Andy]

Anymore?

[Mike]

Take that laptop.

[Jason]

Rotate to the direct spray.

[Andy]

I'm not a kitty cat.

[Mike]

This one just.

[Jason]

You are a kitty cat.

[Mike]

Oh, I got it. Okay, we're good.

[Jason]

Do it again, Jay.

[Andy]

I would. Yeah,

[Jason]

he's being glasses.

[Mike]

And your microphone.

[Jason]

550 units might be an expensive spritz. I think you could probably do.

[Andy]

Wait, how many?

[Jason]

550 per unit normally.

[Andy]

Bull crap.

[Jason]

No, that's a lot.

[Andy]

That's not enough.

[Jason]

That is a lot. I just said 100 to 200 and it went up to 550. You got to live with the answer. Now, the problem is, is that makes it 255,000 units in a 100 mile radius. So you have to cover as much ground in a 100 mile radius. Now, I don't like this whole thing where like the unit could be $10.

[Andy]

That's my $10 million if I spend.

[Jason]

Yeah, I'll take the 5,000. If you're not going to promise me.

[Andy]

Treasure, if you told me that there's $10 million in one of this, I'm abso.

[Jason]

What if It's a million.

[Andy]

Well, I mean, if I know it's a million, I'm still doing it. Yes.

[Mike]

10 and 5 grand. Right? So $10 is the low end. $5,000 is the guarantee.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

So between the guarantee and the upside, it's going to be more.

[Jason]

It's probably going to be more than the five.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Probability says

[Jason]

so. Look.

[Mike]

Oh, I'm taking that.

[Jason]

I'd like. Look, the 5000.

[Mike]

I'll see you guys in a month.

[Jason]

The 5000 doesn't come with an adventure, brother. I want the adventure.

[Mike]

We do need. We need more adventures.

[Jason]

We don't have enough treasure hunt.

[Mike]

I agree. I.

[Jason]

If. I think we should.

[Andy]

If you told me that, I think

[Jason]

we should hide gold money. Gold money.

[Andy]

That's interesting. I mean, we could find.

[Jason]

We could do.

[Andy]

We could do this.

[Jason]

We could find.

[Andy]

We could literally do this because we have $10. We could say it's between 10 and $10 million. We can do. We could get.

[Jason]

Put $18. I mean, you get your.

[Andy]

Anywhere between 10 and 10 million.

[Mike]

You're talking like the geo trackers, like, the geo tracking.

[Jason]

Ours will be cooler. Ours will definitely be in a chest.

[Mike]

What do you get when you.

[Jason]

Like a pirate.

[Mike]

When you. When you. If you're geo tracking and you find the thing, what do you get the thing?

[Jason]

I don't know. It's probably. It's like a Happy Meal toy.

[Andy]

Yeah, you get like Skittles and whatever.

[Mike]

When you get between 10 and $10

[Andy]

million, I mean, that's what it feels like. It's always $10. The guy that's doing this. If it's.

[Jason]

I'm gonna give $100 the range. No, no, no, no, no. This is real.

[Andy]

Okay?

[Jason]

I'm gonna give $100 to Josh.

[Andy]

All right?

[Jason]

I'm gonna have him hide it in Arizona.

[Andy]

Okay. He's gonna find it in my pocket.

[Jason]

Oh, Josh.

[Andy]

Yeah. Josh will be the one to recover it.

[Mike]

Oh, dude, it was in my pocket all along.

[Andy]

I hit it there, then I washed my pants and boom, I got you taken care of.

[Mike]

I found it. It was on Reddit first.

[Jason]

I'll give you a hundred dollars, okay? You can hide it.

[Mike]

There's. There's. There's IG accounts that do this. They literally just hide money, and then they're like, go find it.

[Jason]

That's not. We're treasure hiders.

[Andy]

All right?

[Mike]

That's what it is.

[Andy]

I want to do this for real. I want to. I want to hide treasure.

[Jason]

I think we should hide treasure. All right, now, Al, what would you do? Of These choices, is it ruined by the 10 to 10 million? If it was a thousand? No, let's say it was 5,000 to 10 million.

[Al]

So you're locking in the base or

[Jason]

the base is at least what you got. Why not?

[Al]

Absolutely. Going for now.

[Jason]

I don't know how many you could actually search per day. I feel like you could search maybe maybe 2,000 units a day. So 2,000 units a day times 30 days copying is 60,000 out of 250,000. You got a 1 in 5 chance of finding the $10 million.

[Andy]

If we with that math you could

[Al]

do some sleuth work too. Like find out what kind of key. If you can copy the key only goes to this type of lock.

[Jason]

Then you can find man how upsetting it would be if you found $50.

[Andy]

Here's the thing. If we are on the other side of this, we're the host side. We're creating this game. I worry about key duplication, key code distribution. I want to make sure there is only one way to access this that is not duplicatable. I don't know how to do that. But if we could do that.

[Jason]

Oh, there's a very easy way.

[Andy]

How?

[Jason]

There's no key. You just bury it somewhere.

[Andy]

Yeah, but the one thing I like about this, like Mike thought originally it was like you have a key to something and you got to find it in a hundred mile radius. That's impossible. I like the fact that this is doable. This isn't like a, you know, $100 million treasure that's hidden out in the middle of the woods or desert somewhere and people have to find it. Like the documentaries. This is saying anyone can really like if you want to try, you can get this. I want to do this. I want to hide something and make people have to waste their life on my game for no reason.

[Jason]

And you give them barely anything.

[Andy]

10 to 10 million, right? No, it could be $10 million.

[Jason]

I'm going for the adventure. You guys are taking the 5K still.

[Andy]

Oh, you're going to be so excited when you find it.

[Jason]

Jesse from 50 bucks for sure. You are now offered 500 per hour to sit in an empty room and do absolutely nothing. No phone, no talking, no sleeping, no standing. You sit still in a chair. How many hours?

[Andy]

Raw dog and sitting.

[Jason]

How many hours do you last?

[Mike]

Oh, this is just a one time thing.

[Andy]

I can do that for. I can sit for a long time. No, it's a one time.

[Al]

It's not like you can do this

[Jason]

as your job ADD boy.

[Mike]

No, you Can't.

[Jason]

Although that is what about pee. Good follow up.

[Andy]

What is that? What is what about pee?

[Mike]

With pee and poop, you can pee while you.

[Andy]

Because I think about, like, you establish

[Mike]

this from the show.

[Andy]

Okay, so I have to pee my pants. Poop my pants.

[Mike]

No, you can. No, you can fire into the corner.

[Andy]

I can't do that with poop.

[Mike]

Yes, you can't.

[Andy]

You might be able to. I can't fire my boobs. They just fall.

[Jason]

For the hypothetical, your chair transforms into a toilet. For the times you have to pee and poop and then transforms back. Okay, how long could you go and how long do you want to go and does the denomination.

[Andy]

What's the reward here?

[Jason]

It's $500 an hour.

[Andy]

Oh, that doesn't.

[Mike]

I mean, you get one shot because the. I've seen the.

[Jason]

You know, the 5,000 an hour. Jason.

[Andy]

All right, I'm in, baby.

[Mike]

The analogies of, like, free tokens. This is a job. And you're like, oh, you realized you wasted your life doing nothing for money. But one time, one time,

[Jason]

I have a. Would you rather I want to create out of this? And I have a really good.

[Andy]

Let's call it a thousand dollars an hour easy. Math seems very rewarding.

[Jason]

500 is hard. Go on.

[Andy]

It's half as much.

[Jason]

You're right. All right, so do the thousand dollars

[Mike]

an hour, and we'll cut it in half.

[Jason]

I'm doing 12 hours, and then I'm cutting.

[Mike]

Of nothing.

[Jason]

Yeah, I can do 12 hours and nothing.

[Andy]

Keep in mind, you can sleep, right? I mean, you're going to fall asleep.

[Jason]

No, no.

[Andy]

Is that in the rules?

[Mike]

You can sleep.

[Jason]

That's what no phone, no talking, and no sleeping means.

[Andy]

Was in the.

[Jason]

Wait, you're sitting. You're raw. Dogging, sitting, staring.

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

But I'm just saying I'm going to nod off. So as soon as I nod off, you're done. It's over.

[Jason]

You're done.

[Andy]

Oh, well, then that ruins it all. I can't do so long.

[Jason]

My point is, you just meant you could sleep.

[Andy]

No, I meant, like, I could go. Like, I think I could go a week.

[Jason]

Are you sitting?

[Andy]

If I could, when I'm tired, sleep, obviously I'm not sleeping a week.

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

Stop changing it.

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

Do the answer no. You sit in a chair. How long do you want to go?

[Andy]

12 hours?

[Mike]

2 hours.

[Jason]

All right, you're going 12. Here's my. Here's my side question. Let's say you had this. This is the. Would you rather. That's going to spin off of it. Okay. You have a job eight hours a day. Your job is this. You sit in a chair.

[Mike]

You do not sit here with. This is what I was talking.

[Jason]

Here's the real question. You get paid three times the money, and all you do is sit and stare. Okay, the other job, fast food.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

$50,000 a year in fast food money. $150,000 a year in sitting still money.

[Andy]

Okay, which do you have? Eight hours, both times.

[Jason]

Eight hours, both times. One is literally no phone. No talking, no sleeping, no standing. You show up to work. You. You do bring a briefcase to work for no reason. And you set it down. You bring one to McDonald's, of course, and then you set it down and you go. You sit in the chair. You fold your arms and you sit.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Which job are you?

[Andy]

I know my answer. So I know.

[Jason]

I want to know my team.

[Mike]

I know the job that everybody would take.

[Andy]

It's.

[Mike]

It is more of a, how long do you actually last?

[Jason]

That's what I'm really curious about. Because we always think easy job. But then you get into a job and you're like, man, I want to be busy because I want the hours to go by.

[Al]

You're signing a three year deal.

[Jason]

Okay, okay, Al, I like that.

[Andy]

No, I like that. I get $450,000.

[Jason]

Then you're sitting.

[Andy]

I'm sitting.

[Jason]

No phone. Jason.

[Andy]

I understand. I understand. I'm a clock in. I'm going to do my work.

[Jason]

Your work is eight hours a city.

[Andy]

My raw dog work.

[Mike]

Yeah, you won't make it.

[Andy]

I'm not. Yeah, you won't make it. I'll survive.

[Jason]

When you get up, you stand, you

[Mike]

will not make it.

[Jason]

Walk over to the briefcase.

[Mike]

You won't make it a year. And it's 100.

[Jason]

So you think you could raw dog? No.

[Andy]

Yeah, I do. Eight hours. Absolutely.

[Jason]

Did you?

[Mike]

Absolutely not.

[Andy]

I mean, it's a flight. It's a flight overseas.

[Jason]

Every day.

[Mike]

For every day of your life, it's a flight overseas. Okay, Mr.

[Jason]

Flight overseas, what'd you do on the flight?

[Mike]

What'd you do on your flight?

[Andy]

Peed. No, honestly, this is not a joke. On my flights, I go to the bathroom every flight. No, no joke. I usually. I'm not doing this on purpose to be special. I almost always.

[Mike]

You don't just sit there and not sleep.

[Andy]

I'm telling you, I've been on a fly.

[Mike]

I've been on two hour flights with you.

[Andy]

With the long ones. With the long ones. When I'm by myself.

[Jason]

You.

[Andy]

I'm telling You. I just did this. I just did this. I didn't know all the flights you

[Jason]

don't see me on.

[Andy]

I did an 11 hour and a 12 hour flight like two weeks ago. And both times I watched one movie. So that was like a two hour version of the flight. Both flights. Each flight. The other time I turned on the flight monitor where you could see where you like what. Where you are there. It just sat there. And you definitely.

[Mike]

You had see. Moments of sleep.

[Andy]

I did not. Off. Yes.

[Jason]

See.

[Andy]

But I can't just.

[Jason]

I mean sleep.

[Andy]

I need a cpap.

[Jason]

I can't just like something I love about that.

[Mike]

Nope. I don't know if I. Yeah. Jeremy, I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it either, brother. That don't pass the sniffing just happened.

[Jason]

It would be amazing if what just happened, though, legitimately, like Jason, that's how he remembers it. But the nod off was like eight hours. That would be amazing. Like you raw dogged, five minutes into the sleep, five minutes out of the sleep and landed. And he's like, man, I was amazing.

[Andy]

I just raw dogged that whole thing.

[Mike]

That was so.

[Andy]

Easiest flight of my life.

[Mike]

I do get out of here.

[Jason]

I do think that's something. Get out of here to say something meaningful. I think it's something genuinely good for people to do if they. And I don't mean doing a flight. I mean like you drive to work, don't turn the music on one day, spend one day where it's dead silent in the car. I do think it's valuable to be

[Mike]

alone with your thoughts, of course, for like 15 minutes.

[Jason]

Well, sure, your time may change depending on your aptitude, but yeah, we're not good at that anymore. You used to have to go.

[Mike]

You weren't good at people.

[Jason]

Yes, they were. You could go to a doctor's office and sit in the waiting room and do nothing. Now you have to be on your phone.

[Mike]

No, I can do it. I can go to a doctor's office.

[Jason]

He didn't bother you back then.

[Mike]

Oh, bull crap. It bothered you because what else could

[Andy]

you have been doing?

[Mike]

I remember being a kid in the doctor's office and you're like, this is bull crap.

[Jason]

Well, a kid. I understand. Jesse from patreon. You're offering $500. Oh, wait, we did that one. Jordan from the website. The three of you must compete in a team triathlon. But it's a dad skills competition.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

Parallel parking. I'm out in a very tight.

[Andy]

It's a triathlon.

[Jason]

We're all Gonna do different things.

[Mike]

Yeah, I know. I'm out, guys.

[Jason]

Assembling an IKEA bunk bed with multiple drawers and storage nooks.

[Andy]

That's Andy.

[Jason]

And packing a barely possible amount of luggage into an suv.

[Andy]

Okay, that's Mike. I'm doing the.

[Jason]

All events are timed.

[Andy]

We're great.

[Jason]

Which one of you competing in which event?

[Andy]

I'll do. I'll do the parallel parking. I can do that.

[Jason]

Jason's fine with that.

[Mike]

I cannot do the parking.

[Andy]

You could.

[Jason]

You want me to do the ikea? I can follow an ikea.

[Andy]

You can load the luggage.

[Mike]

I can do either the bunk bed or the luggage.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

No, Andy's doing the bunk bed. I trust him more.

[Mike]

That's. That's understandable. Well, hold on.

[Jason]

You're Tetris, bro.

[Mike]

Did they. Do they want the drawers to work?

[Andy]

Yeah. At the end. It's not what the instructions say. It's what it's supposed to be. That's the rule.

[Al]

It does say all events are timed and rated on skill, execution, so you do have to do that.

[Jason]

Mike, you can Tetris a car.

[Mike]

I can. The problem with tetrising the car that I have is, is honestly is the patience and of like, I just want this over with. Let's go. This is good.

[Andy]

That's good for our time. But if I. I want you in

[Mike]

patience, but if I have to truly make it work, I can make it work.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

No, you're going to crush at that. I have no fears about parallel parking in a very tight spot. No issues.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I'm the one that drives when we go to lunch. And you guys always think I'm going to hit things.

[Jason]

Yeah, no, you got it.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's no problem. And Andy, steer by wire. You would be. If I were to have anything built and Jeremy was not available. You first to call?

[Jason]

Yeah. Yeah. I can follow instructions. Jeremy's more naturally gifted.

[Andy]

Jeremy does, but I can follow instructions. I would imagine if you guys both opened an IKEA box, you would approach it very differently.

[Jason]

Who?

[Mike]

Jeremy. Do you look at the instructions?

[Andy]

I can tell you. Let me answer for Jeremy.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

He's going to open it. He's going to take the instructions out first. He's going to look through it and rifle through the pictures.

[Mike]

This doesn't make any sense.

[Andy]

No, he's going to. I'm telling you, it's like, memorize it. He would. He's just getting an overview. He's glancing at these images. He's looking at what? Like, kind of.

[Jason]

Is there anything that's going to catch

[Andy]

part, I have an overview.

[Mike]

I know what this supposed to look like.

[Andy]

Burns it, then he just lights it on fire and throws it in the corner and gets to work like a man.

[Al]

You had it nailed. Except for the last part. I, I close it and I use the reference photo on the front of the instruction manual to go, oh, that goes on this side. Whatever.

[Andy]

You use your confident instincts that you can actually build ikea. We are like all people and we're like, yeah, I can't do this.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, I could build it. It's just how much see in a couple days, how many times does it take one.

[Andy]

What does it look like at the end?

[Mike]

Right. Do you want the paint side out?

[Andy]

That's always the issue. I thought I was doing paint out.

[Mike]

If I get one chance, there is a hundred percent chance that one of your pieces will be paint.

[Jason]

Sighting furniture is the most like moment where there's a. But there's a split second when you mess up where you go, I wish there was a control Z to this.

[Andy]

You know what?

[Jason]

You wish it was digital and you could undo.

[Andy]

You know what's not talked about enough with the paint.

[Mike]

Paint side out is the instructions where it's just the guy going, hmm, no.

[Andy]

When I open a drawer, When I open a drawer.

[Mike]

Right, right, right.

[Andy]

How nice is it when the inside of that drawer is painted? Okay, yeah. You complain about the outside not being painted, but when I open my drawers, they're really, they're really nice.

[Mike]

Inside, the top portion of the drawer remains the fake wood. Yeah, it's not covered.

[Jason]

All right, we're taking a break. We're gonna draft.

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[Jason]

I might hit two buttons. Might hit two buttons. Might hit 2 buttons at once. I.

[Mike]

You were just speaking for the. The people. They're like.

[Jason]

Ads might have sounded like this.

[Andy]

The spitballers draft.

[Mike]

The people love the draft. They don't want the ad break. But you get that. This is how you get a free podcast is with the ad break.

[Jason]

Lord of the Flies. Lord of the Flies is the answer for number one.

[Mike]

Oh, that's. We are drafting TV or movie title

[Jason]

that best describes parenting.

[Andy]

For sure. You're going to take It's a Wonderful Life.

[Jason]

We are Lord of the Flies.

[Mike]

TV or movie.

[Al]

Oh, they did make a movie.

[Jason]

TV or movie title that best describes parenting.

[Mike]

They have a book.

[Jason]

That's what we thought. I'm gonna go Lord of the Flies.

[Andy]

Nerd.

[Jason]

The nice thing is for those at home that don't know us very well, all three of us have three kids. We both have two boys and a girl. Different ages we all went through. Like when we started the podcast, they were all at prime.

[Mike]

They were we babbies.

[Jason]

Yeah. The prime age of all of these titles. And so Lord of the Flies.

[Mike]

That's pretty good.

[Jason]

Is a good. I don't know if that was your 101.

[Andy]

Can I guess your one on one.

[Mike]

Do you want me?

[Andy]

Life is beautiful.

[Mike]

How did you know? How did you know? The Parent Trap? Ah, the Parent trap. Because you know what? It's a trap and no one tells you it's a trap. Your life is ruined and it's gone. You thought you were a human being. No.

[Jason]

Your dad, Mike is doing his part to keep population levels low.

[Mike]

Look inside. Everything that makes you you is gone. That doesn't exist anymore. You are just a parental unit. You are just an Uber driver and a chef. This is all you do.

[Andy]

I mean, I've felt that way sometimes. For sure.

[Jason]

Jason.

[Andy]

There is that part.

[Jason]

Lord of the Flies, the parent trap. And you've got two picks.

[Andy]

Oh, man, there's so many ways I could go because there are the bad times, but there are the beautiful times and I don't know, there are cliche bad. Yeah, there's cliche bad times. There's Wonderful parts. It's a big picture. And I think with my family.

[Jason]

Oh, boy.

[Andy]

We always have a gaggle of people. Like kids. It's not just. What they don't tell you is, like, it's not just. Now my family is five. Now my family is 500. Yeah, yeah. Now it's teenage parties. Mine in particular.

[Jason]

Yours in particular.

[Andy]

So my number one pick is We Bought a Zoo. Okay, wait. Parenting in my house is We Bought a Zoo?

[Jason]

Is that a movie?

[Mike]

The Matt Damon class. Matt Damon.

[Andy]

Oh, I remember that. We Bought a Zoo.

[Al]

Dude.

[Mike]

Dozens of people saw that movie.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

That's really fun, but everyone who's a parent can relate. Especially if you're on my side, where you're hosting every event. Every. I did not get a family. I got a question.

[Jason]

When you go home today, will it just be your family?

[Andy]

No, no. Right now. I already know my kids had a half day. There's friends over, right?

[Jason]

Yeah. See, his house is.

[Andy]

It doesn't happen.

[Jason]

It's like a hotel.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's. It's a. It's a series of.

[Mike]

You've got to figure.

[Jason]

You gotta have.

[Mike]

You gotta make money on this.

[Jason]

He's one of the unique cases where, like, buying a big house is, like, pretty much a necessity.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You've got to host.

[Andy]

I have to be a bunch of these people. You know, I'm just gonna. I'm gonna keep it kind of rolling with that. That theme right now. That's kind of what I'm feeling. And I'm sure knowing you, Andy. Oh, knowing the hallways. Your home is picked up. Your own. Your home is organized. Your home is. Even when the kids are being those rapscallions, those rascals. Oh, they left a rapper out.

[Jason]

Rapper?

[Andy]

No, not my house. No. Monsters, Inc. Over in my place, baby. They are disgusting slob monsters you love. Yeah, that's just who they are.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

But no, no, no. Monsters, Inc. Faux show.

[Jason]

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. We Bought a Zoo. Monsters, Inc. For Jason. Mike, you have the parent trap so

[Mike]

far, so we also include television shows.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

Surv.

[Jason]

I'm actually sad you took it away from me. So good it was on the list.

[Mike]

Because it's a trap that you have to survive. There is no life.

[Jason]

Luckily, Mike has. I mean, none of his family will listen to this.

[Mike]

Oh, they'll never know.

[Andy]

Mike really listens. I got to be careful with what I say.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. All the laundry. Having kids is one thing. Having neurodivergent kids, that's a whole Other thing, brother. It's. You got to survive one day at a time.

[Andy]

Survivor.

[Jason]

I, I.

[Mike]

You're eating bugs.

[Jason]

This is so well time.

[Andy]

Because I had so you live in the rainforest.

[Mike]

He does.

[Andy]

It's well, give me the ocean.

[Jason]

It's well time because the last three days my wife has been out of town and I've had to be Mr. Mom and I.

[Mike]

Are you going Mr.

[Andy]

Mom?

[Jason]

So dumb.

[Mike]

Michael Keaton class.

[Jason]

I'm so dumb. I don't know all the things I don't know until she leaves. And then I'm like, I know nothing. I don't know where I packed the lunch. I don't know what they like in their lunch. I don't know what things they need to take to school. I don't know the drop off line when I get to school. I don't know the pickup time.

[Mike]

That's nice.

[Jason]

I don't know the pickup times. I don't know any of it. I'm the dumbest.

[Andy]

Oh, man. And wish.

[Jason]

And so she just, she just got home. And I'm really. I'm really thankful for that. But let me, let me go with how I can think about my kids growing up. I'm gonna go with my next pick after Lord of the Flies. Despite Jason's opinion of how clean our house is. That is not without work. I'm going everything everywhere all at once.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

Everything everywhere all at once. Okay.

[Mike]

It's garbage.

[Jason]

If you just. That.

[Al]

That was also drafted in the movie titles to describe a trip to the bathroom.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

Which is fair if you.

[Mike]

Same, same.

[Jason]

If you stay home with your kids, you can go from one room to the next room. And it is a never ending cycle.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

The next one. I will go with what I'm calling the other thing. That just catches up to you when you are. Especially when you're single parenting at home. I'm calling it the Hunger Games.

[Mike]

Oh, that's my next one.

[Andy]

That's what I. That's all.

[Mike]

Food is all that matters.

[Jason]

Just go from food to food. That's food.

[Andy]

That was my next pick. Great pick. They love food.

[Jason]

They just.

[Andy]

Everything's just.

[Jason]

By the time you finish cleaning breakfast stuff, dad wins. Lunch. You finished lunch? Hey, is it dinner yet? Where's my snack? You didn't get the thing I like. That's the wrong kind of bread. I don't like that kind of cheese. Shut up. Stupid kids. All right. Just kidding. Lord of the Flies. Everything, everything, everything everywhere all at once in the Hunger Games. Mike, it's back to you.

[Andy]

All Right.

[Mike]

I got the Parent Trap, I've got Survivor, and I got the Never Ending Story. Because it never stops happening. It's just bad all the time. It's just I love my children. It's terrible all the time. They don't stop complaining. They don't stop fighting. They don't stop letting me go to sleep.

[Jason]

Oh, leave me alone. My gosh.

[Andy]

Mike is working the Never Story.

[Jason]

Like, is working things out right here, right now.

[Andy]

I know his next pick. It's a Tom Cruise classic.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

About a mission.

[Jason]

Mike, Jason, two picks to you. Your final two. You have We Bought a Zoo and Monsters, Inc. Which is great.

[Andy]

All right, look, I'm going to start just with, you know, my kids. They know this. They know this. If I. If I do something for them, which is every moment, you know, I was like, who did that for you?

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

They know the answer. I have trained the answer. What do you think the answer is?

[Mike]

I don't know. What's the question?

[Andy]

The question is just who did that? Why did this happen for you?

[Mike]

I did.

[Andy]

Why did. It's Super Dad. Super dad is always my answer. That's who I am. Super dad. No, that's not it.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Andy]

But because of that, Daddy Daycare. Daddy Daycare is what I'm picking here, okay? I'm in charge. I'm running stuff. I'm signing them up for school. I'm taking them here and there. Daddy Daycare. That describes my parenting. I am just simply a principal.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

You know what? I'm a headmaster.

[Mike]

That's such a cool.

[Andy]

Such a cooler type. Are you.

[Jason]

You're Dumbledore?

[Mike]

Are you Trunchbull? No.

[Andy]

Come on, man. I'm Dumbledore. Thank you, Andy.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. So Daddy daycare.

[Andy]

Daddy Daycare.

[Mike]

We're working through it. I don't know if you know, we're

[Jason]

working real stuff on the show today.

[Andy]

I. What is the difference?

[Mike]

It involves a ledge.

[Andy]

Headmaster and principal in my.

[Mike]

What's the difference? So this is my country of origin.

[Andy]

That's exactly what I was gonna say

[Jason]

is amount of money you pay the school per year.

[Andy]

The exact same role.

[Jason]

You go to university over here. Really? All my kids schools have headmasters, not principal.

[Andy]

That's way. That's way better.

[Mike]

Yeah, I wouldn't.

[Jason]

They go to Charter Preparatory Academy.

[Mike]

Never. Do you have to call them headmaster?

[Jason]

Yes, they're headmaster.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jason]

Yeah. And they have wizarding powers.

[Mike]

Absolutely not. I will never call.

[Jason]

You would if you were a part of this.

[Mike]

Yeah. I will never be a part of it.

[Jason]

Jason, One more pick.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

Are you going to find the. Give in and just say it's a wonderful Life?

[Andy]

That. That's. That is one of. That's. I'm really looking at it.

[Jason]

That might be needed. Based on Mike and counterbalancing him.

[Andy]

I think I'm going to do it. I think you might need to. I'm going to take it to Wonderful life.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

In a couple of years. I don't know if this is true for you, Mike. I assume not.

[Mike]

Oh, when my kids are gone, my life is going to be great.

[Andy]

Yeah, but I said a couple years. In a couple years, my kids are

[Mike]

going to be gone, so mine will not.

[Andy]

That's what I'm saying. I know that.

[Jason]

That's where the never ending story comes from.

[Andy]

My oldest are twins. They're the same age and they're both going to. Not just to college, out of state. To college. Like that's a guarantee for them. So I'm going to say I'm going

[Mike]

to need you to tell me what it's like. Yeah, I'm going to hear. I want to hear all about it.

[Jason]

I don't vicariously live to him leaving.

[Andy]

You know what's funny is I think.

[Mike]

What'd you do this morning?

[Jason]

Nothing.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. That sounds awesome.

[Andy]

This title is what I currently help. What a Wonderful Life. It's a wonderful life. That is what I'm currently giving the period of time several years from now when they are gone.

[Jason]

All right.

[Andy]

But several years from now, I will probably look back and say that's what this period was when I had them.

[Jason]

All right, Mike, finish this off with I got the. What do I got?

[Mike]

The parent tribe. I got Survivor Never ending story.

[Jason]

It give him some hope.

[Mike]

It's problem child.

[Andy]

They're all a problem.

[Mike]

All three of them are the worst. They're ruining my life. They're so. They're siphoning my life force. Guys. My beard is so gray. I'm dying. Nice. My joints are falling apart from them. Yes.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. Not the birthdays.

[Mike]

Look, all my resources are gone.

[Jason]

I'm gonna bring some balance with my final pick here, guys.

[Andy]

The Purge. Series of Unfortunate Events.

[Jason]

That's right.

[Andy]

Apocalypse Now.

[Jason]

Sounds like Groundhog Day for Mike as well.

[Andy]

Train wreck.

[Jason]

My final pick will be the balance. It's the good, the bad and the ugly. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

[Andy]

That is. That's probably the most truest answer you

[Jason]

get all of that.

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jason]

There is lots of good, there's lots of bad. There's Lots of ugly. There's lots of good. I am gonna finish there.

[Andy]

But aliens.

[Jason]

I did have quiet place because I was like, that is the dream in fantasy for every parent.

[Mike]

I have to help a lot with the school. And so I have. Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

[Jason]

Sure.

[Mike]

Because often I find out, no, I'm not.

[Jason]

My quiet time is gone in 60 seconds.

[Andy]

I thought about Sleepless in Seattle.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

But that's for, like, early parenting, when you lose sleep. Lost. Because that's true. You're a parent.

[Jason]

That's a great answer.

[Andy]

You're like, I don't know what I'm doing. I was never a parent until right now.

[Jason]

No, that's good. And Mission Impossible was on there. Groundhog Day was on there. Apocalypse Now.

[Andy]

Inside out. Yeah.

[Jason]

All right, well, that'll do it. For today's show, we. Oh, there it is.

[Andy]

What did we learn today?

[Jason]

I learned it.

[Mike]

Save me.

[Jason]

Mike needs some help, brother.

[Mike]

Save me.

[Andy]

I learned that I would like to do dozens of contests that are worth between $10 and $10 million. I will. I will decide how much, but I'm gonna foot the bill.

[Jason]

Yeah, okay.

[Andy]

And every contest. Every contest is going to be between $10 and $10 million.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

I learned it doesn't matter how dirty your butt cheeks are.

[Andy]

That's actually.

[Mike]

Just doesn't matter.

[Andy]

Big takeaway today.

[Mike]

Doesn't matter. Yeah.

[Jason]

If you got dirty butt cheeks, no one cares.

[Andy]

Yeah. All that bacteria is just going back

[Mike]

to more dirty cake.

[Jason]

Goodbye, everybody.

[Andy]

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to. Check out Spitballers pod dot com.

[Jason]

Why have I asked my electrician I found on Angie.com to bury my pet hamster?

[Andy]

I was so moved by how carefully

[Jason]

he buried my electrical wires, I knew

[Andy]

I could trust him to bury my

[Jason]

sweet nibbles after his untimely end.

[Andy]

This is very strange, Angie. The one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail]

[Jason]

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[Mike]

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