Stunnin’ Randos & Fictional Devices You Wish Were Real - Comedy Podcast

Summary

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Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: “Stunnin’ Randos & Fictional Devices You Wish Were Real”

Release Date: April 7, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

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Episode Overview

This high-energy, family-friendly episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast tackles a deliciously silly mix of “Would You Rather,” explores the definitions of blunt force vs piercing trauma, debates dog-eared books, discusses midlife phases, and features two signature games: “Man of the People,” and a raucous “Spitballers Draft” on fictional devices the guys wish existed in real life. Jokes, off-the-wall hypotheticals, and the irrepressible “dad energy” keep the episode rolling with fun and laughter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter: The “Electronical” Debate

• The guys open by poking fun at Jason’s new word, “electronical,” in the context of defining a “device.”
  • Andy: "You just combine some things. That’s fine." (03:36)
  • Mike (laughing): "What type of parts would one put into an electronical device?" (03:54)
• This riff sets the tone for the episode’s light, self-deprecating humor.

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2. Would You Rather: Blunt Force Trauma vs. Piercing Injuries

(Starts: 04:10)

Question: Would you rather be immune to blunt force trauma or piercing injuries?

Key Debates and Funny Scenarios:

• The group gets surprisingly technical, wrestling with the science of what counts as “blunt” or “piercing.”
  • Andy: "If I throw a spear at you...I take that off, it’s just the wood stick...blunt force." (05:03)
  • Mike: "If it breaks the skin, it can’t go in. That’s the way this works." (05:36)
• Practical (and hilarious) implications emerge:
  • Immunity to blunt force = invincible in car accidents, falls, stubbing toes.
    • Andy: "Toe stubs, boys. Toe stubs are a thing of the past." (07:35)
  • Immunity to piercing injuries = superhero against bullets and arrows.
  • Mike: "If I could just walk through the worst neighborhood in the world, but people could just come beat me with a bat..." (09:59)
• Jason and Mike debate which is the greater survival advantage, with Andy noting everyday irritations (toe stubs) as a huge plus.

Prolonged Tangent About Midlife and Risk:

• The conversation veers into absurd “what if” scenarios—skydiving into the ocean, being skewered by a coincidentally breaching swordfish, and the perils of landing in gravel.
• The group settles on blunt force trauma being the more common risk, but piercing possibly being more deadly in rare extremes.

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3. Would You Rather: If Dyslexia or Colorblindness Were Contagious

(14:13)

A hilariously convoluted question: If dyslexia or colorblindness became a contagious infection (lasting 7-10 days), which would you rather catch?

• The team riffs on the hypothetical, then pivots to exposing Jason as a secret bookworm:
  • Andy (calling out Jason’s new reading habits): "I look over... my compadre over here has pulled out a book. He’s reading fiction strictly for pleasure." (15:56)
  • Jason confesses to buying a book light, dog-earing pages, and hunting for the perfect bookmark.
  • Chris: "We saw him dog-ear the corner of his pages, and we were giving him a hard time..." (16:53)
• The banter crescendos into whether it’s okay to dog-ear books and the superiority of built-in ribbons in hardcover editions.
• On the original question, Andy is pro temporary colorblindness, Jason would take dyslexia for a week—audible to the rescue!

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4. Cleanliness, Dust Covers & Midlife Confessions

(24:20)

• Post-ad banter, the guys talk about midlife crises.
  • Mike: "Everybody’s midlife crisis is different...I don’t know what man I’m going to be in a couple of years is the real thing..." (24:20)
  • Jason: "I felt old. And fat. And broken. And now I’m working on it, man." (25:05)
• Hilarious segue about bugs in water cups, bedside water etiquette, and the size/hygiene of bees and bumblebees, delving into whether major Arizona bees should really be called “carpenter bees.”

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5. Man of the People — Signature Game

(31:02)

Survey says…! Chris hosts Spitballers-style Family Feud, where the guys try to guess what the "people" answered.

Sample Questions & Highlights:

• Why can’t a child wait to grow up?
  Top answers: Driving, moving out, having no rules, getting a job.
  • Mike: "First thing I did when I moved out: I bought a bin of Red Vines...One hour later, I was throwing up in the toilet." (32:48)
• Hardest instrument to play?
  Controversial result: Piano beats drums.
  • Andy: "You need to independently operate all four limbs. It’s not just your fingies!" (33:47)
• Movie monsters in black & white?
  Godzilla and King Kong are top picks.
• Arguments between roommates?
  Cleanliness, money, food, and parties take the cake.

Round Winner:
After several rounds and good-natured squabbling over the rules, Andy squeaks out the win as the “Man of the People.”

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6. The Spitballers Draft: Fictional Devices You Wish Were Real

(42:24)

Rapid-fire, all-out draft of the most desirable gadgets and gizmos from sci-fi and fantasy.

First Round Picks:

• Mike: The TARDIS (Doctor Who) — because it’s the “most efficient” time and space machine (43:07)
• Jason: Star Trek Replicator — instant, perfect food (and matter) on demand (44:03)
• Andy: (Later) Iron Man’s suit for all-purpose tech superheroing (48:31)

Other Top Moments:

• Lightsaber (Star Wars) is acknowledged as a fan favorite, though Jason argues the impracticalities:
  • Jason: "I don’t wish the lightsaber was real. There would be some big problems if a lightsaber is real." (45:49)
• Hoverboard (Back to the Future)
• Star Trek Teleporter
  • Jason: "The fictional device that I cannot wait to exist." (47:13)
• Talking Dog Collar (Up)
  • Andy: "So my dog may speak to me." (49:53)
• Phaser (Star Trek) — specifically to “stun randos”
  • Jason: "Are you in my way? Then, yeah, you’re getting stunned." (51:22)
• Portal Gun (Portal video game)
• Rocketeer Jetpack
• Holodeck (Star Trek) for unlimited, immersive VR adventures

Honorable Mentions:

• Shrink ray from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
• Neuralyzer (Men in Black)
• Grapple gun (Batman)
• Pokéball
• Cerebro (X-Men)

Notable Quotes & Banter:

• Mike: "The heart wants what the heart wants. Hoverboard. Back to the Future!" (46:15)
• Andy: "If I can mute the world? Oh man..." (55:06)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Andy (on stubbing his toe): "Toe stubs are a thing of the past, boys." (07:35)
• Mike (on reading hypocrisy): "When the world–when a person, we'll call him Jason, spends his 20s and 30s in a public outcry against hiking, reading, mornings, and all of these things...and at 40, whatever, turns to [reading]. (17:13)
• Jason (on lightsabers): "There would be some big problems if a lightsaber is real." (45:49)
• Mike (on the portal gun): "Brothers, I got it–hoverboard under my feet, I've got a jetpack... we're in good shape." (53:19)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment | |------------|----------------------------------------------------------| | 03:00 | Defining “devices” & invented words (“electronical”) | | 04:10 | Would You Rather: Blunt Force vs. Piercing Trauma | | 13:39 | Would You Rather: Contagious Colorblindness/Dyslexia | | 15:56 | Jason’s Secret Reading Habits Exposed | | 24:20 | Midlife, routines, and bugs in the water cup | | 31:02 | "Man of the People" game begins | | 42:24 | The Spitballers Draft: Fictional Devices | | 55:34 | Honorable mentions & device afterthoughts |

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Tone & Style

Sticking to their signature “just three dads goofing around” energy, the episode is full of nerdy tangents, playful insults, misunderstandings, and friendly bickering. The guys expertly balance zany hypotheticals with genuine camaraderie and relatable, if ridiculous, life observations. It’s easy to jump in whether you’re a first-timer or longtime fan.

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Summary

This episode is a stellar Spitballers showcase—mixing absurd hypothetical debates (“Would You Rather”), everyday gripes (toe stubbing, book etiquette), nostalgic pop-culture picks, and a healthy dose of dad-level self-mockery. From dissecting the definition of “blunt vs piercing” to imagining a world of Star Trek tech and hoverboards, Andy, Mike, and Jason keep things light, funny, and inviting throughout.

A must-listen for fans of clean, clever comedy, geek culture, and dad jokes.

Transcript

[Jason]

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[Chris]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve.

[Jason]

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Mike]

Scumma.

[Andy]

PA PA PA PA dooba doo boo. We needed a classic cause Jason's ruining the show.

[Jason]

I let this one go.

[Mike]

No, no. Mute buttons. Everyone out there needs to know it was all Jason's fault. My scat last week, knowing all of her. No, it was actually. It was probably gonna be pretty good. Did you ever listen to it, Al?

[Chris]

I did, yeah. You could still hear it bleed through the other mics. That's where I left it.

[Jason]

Some people heard it, some people got.

[Chris]

A little taste of it, but it was.

[Mike]

I mean, that was probably the best ever.

[Chris]

It was a banger.

[Jason]

It was definitely the best one ever as far as how it barely came through, but. Mike, thanks for bringing us back.

[Andy]

You're welcome.

[Mike]

Welcome back one and all. Is this really episode three? Two, one? It Is blast off. Three, two, one. Would you rather man of the people. And we are drafting fictional devices we wish were real. So that'll be fun. We already eliminated the Elder Wand, Jason. It must be a device. I know you wanted to draft Harry Potters.

[Jason]

I really wanted the invisibility cloak.

[Mike]

Maybe one day we'll do, like, magical things that we wish were real.

[Jason]

Yeah, I was surprised. I mean, I guess it is inherently like a device. Seems mechanical, electronical. But I didn't think it had to be. And then I looked up the definition of device, which must be mechanical or electronical.

[Mike]

We all learn. We all learn stuff. Electronic.

[Chris]

Is that what he said?

[Jason]

He doubled down on it.

[Mike]

Did he say electronical?

[Chris]

Electronical.

[Mike]

That is such a great word.

[Andy]

We all know what it means.

[Mike]

Yeah, we just combine some things. That's fine. But we're happy to be with you once again. You can follow the show over on X at Spitballers podcast Pod. Please subscribe. Review the show.

[Andy]

That's a great band name, Electronical.

[Mike]

Yeah, that is not bad.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's my new edm.

[Mike]

What type of parts would one put into an electronical device? I mean, you know, all of the parts.

[Jason]

Yeah, well, mostly metal. Mostly metal parts, for sure.

[Mike]

All right, let's kick it off.

[Jason]

Would you rather.

[Mike]

Well, our first would you rather question comes in from Buck over on Patreon. Would you rather be immune to blunt force trauma or piercing injuries? This is not something I've examined before. Haven't really given it consideration. So piercing injuries, getting hit with a bat, bullets, arrows.

[Andy]

Is a spears. Is a bullet considered a piercing?

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, it is, for sure.

[Jason]

I get what you're saying, because it's.

[Mike]

Not like you're thinking Pierce being a point. Yeah, but they have points.

[Jason]

Yeah, they do. They're kind of rounded points.

[Mike]

They're like miniature flying metal spears.

[Jason]

They're definitely made to pierce.

[Mike]

I imagine that the spirit of the question is, like, be immune to punches and battles.

[Andy]

Oh, I get that. But I don't care what the spirit of. I have just questions now. Okay, let's say I throw. So I throw a spear at you. It's got a tip. It's got a, you know, a sharp thing on it. It's piercing. I throw a spear. I take that off. It's just the wood stick, Right? That's a blunt force.

[Mike]

Depends if it pierces you. I mean, really? I think it does. I mean.

[Jason]

No, it does. Andy's actually right. It completely just depends.

[Mike]

Would it break the skin?

[Jason]

If it breaks the skin? It was a Piercing object.

[Andy]

But you can get hit if it's hard by blunt force. That you break the skin.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

If it breaks the skin, it can't go in. That's the way this works. Blunt force trauma. You're immune to car accidents, right?

[Andy]

Some.

[Chris]

As long as you don't get impaled.

[Mike]

Oh, there's going to be a little impaling on there.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Andy]

Well, and the glass, like, if there's.

[Mike]

Any shocks, can we expand piercing injuries to. So is that impalements, too?

[Chris]

Yeah, Anything that leaves like a puncture wound. Yes.

[Mike]

Blow darts, then, that were real trouble.

[Andy]

Is a cannonball.

[Jason]

Ooh, good question, Mike.

[Andy]

Because if you hit someone in a cannonball back in the civil war, that thing went white right through.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. But that's not piercing.

[Andy]

It's not.

[Jason]

So why.

[Andy]

I thought. But it would puncture the skin.

[Jason]

It definitely punctures the skin.

[Andy]

It takes the organs out, too.

[Mike]

It takes it all out. I mean, I don't think a bowling. Bowling ball. I don't think a cannonball is piercing, man. I'll shake it his head.

[Chris]

That's not a piercing.

[Mike]

No, no. I mean, it has to have some, like, a point to it. It can't just be so strong that.

[Andy]

What's the point?

[Mike]

It's blunt. If it's blunt, it fits in the blunt area. If it's sharp. If it's in the piercing area.

[Jason]

All right, so which one are you more afraid of in your current life?

[Mike]

Yeah, I was gonna say, which is most likely? I'm more afraid of what will kill me.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

So I would imagine that blunt force trauma I'm more afraid of than piercing injuries.

[Jason]

No, wait, wait.

[Mike]

You.

[Jason]

I'm so confused because we were on the track together and then you jumped off. I did the roller coaster. Yeah. Because you're afraid of what's going to kill you.

[Mike]

Yeah. Blunt force trauma.

[Jason]

No, the piercing is going to kill you more than the blunt force trauma.

[Mike]

But what am I more exposed to on a regular basis? I'm more likely to fall and hit my head or get in a car accident that crushes my body. Blunt force trauma. Than I am to be shot.

[Jason]

Well, I would agree that the likelihood. The frequency. The frequency of a blunt force trauma is greater than the frequency of a piercing. This is what I feel like. The piercing is gonna kill you. You're gonna walk away from the blunt.

[Andy]

Force thing of the past. Boys.

[Mike]

What is?

[Andy]

Toe stubs.

[Mike]

Oh, toe stubs.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

Blunt. First.

[Andy]

Jason and I were on.

[Mike]

Oh, did you guys.

[Andy]

We were out of town? No, he was saying we were out of town. So I'm. Look, I'm in a hotel room. Stop.

[Mike]

It's new land. Yeah. It's a new map.

[Andy]

I'm not mapped out. I don't know what's going on here. Oh, man.

[Jason]

Bad one.

[Andy]

I get immediate. Immediate bruise. Like, I could just watch my toe, and it's, like, just wilting in front of your face. The color just instantly went in, man. It was.

[Mike]

There's nothing more humorous in my head than when someone's alone and hurting themselves. Something about them having to deal with that. I saw a woman. There was a video the other day where she tripped in her driveway. She took a tumble, and she's on audio on a nest cam, and she just sprawls out like a starfish afterwards. And she's like.

[Andy]

Oh.

[Mike]

She's like, world just run me over. It was so funny. It was so funny. But, yeah, I'm more likely to. Look. I'm not going to fall and hit my head as I get older. I'm not going to break my hip when I hit the ground.

[Jason]

I mean, yes, you're going to fall and hit your head. It's just not going to. You're immune to it. Right. So that doesn't mean you can't fall.

[Mike]

It's like it's. Nothing happened, though. I mean, you might as well. It's like I'm standing up so I.

[Andy]

Can jump out of an airplane.

[Jason]

Ooh, I know, man. And as long.

[Andy]

As long as I don't hit. If, like, if I hit, you go into a tree. If I hit the concrete, you're fine. I'm totally cool. But if I happen to fall into, like, oh, some branches, some sharp digs. Yeah. Some pointy branches. I got a big problem.

[Jason]

Yeah. What about gravel? Dude, Gravel would be a real problem.

[Andy]

Yeah. What's the ruling on gravel?

[Jason]

If you're falling into gravel, you're piercing all over.

[Mike]

But, dude, jump in the ocean.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Tons of skydives into the ocean, you're fine.

[Jason]

Yeah, you can't drown.

[Mike]

Unless you land on a swordfish.

[Andy]

A swordfish was breaching at the exact moment.

[Jason]

What are the chances? I think if you jumped out of a plane into the middle of the ocean, your blunt force trauma, which would kill you normally.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You'll still die. Really? Yeah. From being in the middle of the ocean.

[Mike]

Oh, well, that's true.

[Andy]

Clearly, it's planned out to be a super stunt, Jason.

[Jason]

So you got boats nearby?

[Andy]

I'm not just booking a flight to London and feeling.

[Jason]

See you later.

[Andy]

Check this out.

[Mike]

Now, I was trying to think if there's an advantage to like, if you can't be shot, like, is that like a huge advantage for like being a superhero or is it more of an advantage? The blunt first trump. Like, if I could just walk through the worst neighborhood in the world, but people could just come beat me up with a bat.

[Jason]

I still, I still think the danger is being pierced. Like if you got in a car accident, right? If you got in a car accident and nothing pierced you, like today without these superpowers, right? You're. You're probably not. Not that it's a. But you're probably. You're going to be injured, you know, but you're probably okay.

[Mike]

Most people die from like.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's like you hit your head on the wheel, which we have airbags now, but you can hit your head on the side window.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I think end up.

[Mike]

People are getting decapitated in all these accidents.

[Jason]

I think they're getting crushed and pieces of car are coming into them.

[Mike]

If I have, if I am. If I'm packing, I've got weapons and I can't be pierced by bullets. That's a good place to be.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Because I can open fire on anybody. They can't open fire on me.

[Jason]

Now, I like this creative thinking, right.

[Mike]

So I could be like a cool.

[Andy]

Superhero that where does it shoots and kills everybody. The bad guy.

[Jason]

So you could be Deadpool. This is literally his.

[Andy]

No, because Deadpool just regenerates.

[Jason]

Well, sure, but I'm saying he's immune to it. And he shoots.

[Andy]

Not immune, though.

[Mike]

He is immune. Don't fight with Mike, man.

[Jason]

What do you mean he's not. What is the definition of immune?

[Andy]

Immune. Is it like it would bounce?

[Mike]

Does he feel pain?

[Andy]

No, he doesn't feel pain, but like, he can have.

[Mike]

He's pretty close to immune, Mike.

[Andy]

But you can get your limbs removed. They don't grow back. Oh, they do grow back. That's not immunity. I mean, that is not immunity.

[Jason]

That is immunity. You can't. You cannot.

[Andy]

Immune is Superman.

[Mike]

Papa Josh.

[Andy]

The bullet comes into his eyeball, it crushes him.

[Jason]

That's not what immunity is.

[Mike]

Papa Josh.

[Jason]

Mike is 100% right now. Thank you, Josh.

[Mike]

You're not. If your arm could be chopped off and it takes weeks to grow back, that's not immunity.

[Andy]

Thank you.

[Mike]

That's a good point.

[Andy]

And in like in the, in Deadpool 2, he gets a little baby.

[Mike]

If you want to say you're invincible.

[Jason]

Protection or exemption from Something like Deadpool has protection from. It's just protection. It's not the way that you would define immunity. But yeah, he's immune to the way.

[Andy]

That the word defines immunity. It doesn't exactly.

[Mike]

You should be using invincible. Yes. Invincible means that you're not going to die.

[Jason]

I think we're exact opposite. Invincible is what Mike's saying Superman is. Superman is invincible. He is 100% invincible. Nothing can.

[Mike]

I've always defined invincible as living like you're invincible from death.

[Jason]

I think we don't know the meaning of words.

[Mike]

Invincible means too powerful to be defeated or overcome.

[Andy]

If you get shot and the bullet goes into your body, but it's not going to kill you, but it still damages your body for a short period of time, you are not immune. Immune is like you can.

[Jason]

You're certainly not invincible.

[Andy]

Correct. Yeah, you're not invincible either. But immune, you know, like, you can. You can drink the poison and.

[Mike]

Are you saying you think immune is more powerful than vincibility?

[Andy]

No, I know invincibility is.

[Jason]

Invincibility is the top tier one.

[Mike]

Yes. Okay.

[Jason]

That's what Mike is saying.

[Andy]

Like, what's the difference between.

[Mike]

So, yeah, the blunt force or the piercing? Which one you want?

[Andy]

I'm going.

[Mike]

I'm going to.

[Andy]

I'm going blunt force.

[Jason]

I'm going piercing.

[Mike]

Chris from the website. Would you rather suddenly become a contagious infectious condition?

[Chris]

Which would you rather suddenly become?

[Mike]

Okay, that makes way more sense.

[Jason]

We're back to questions on immunity. Which.

[Mike]

Which would you rather suddenly.

[Andy]

Wait, okay, okay. Which would rather Read it properly.

[Jason]

Which would you rather suddenly become a contagious infectious.

[Chris]

No, no. Which would you rather suddenly become a contagious infectious condition?

[Andy]

Yep.

[Jason]

That's a terrible sentence. That's what you just read. And you read it so confidently and.

[Mike]

Like it is a bad sentence.

[Jason]

Do it again, because I still do.

[Mike]

You could have said, which of these.

[Jason]

Would you rather talk to Chris?

[Chris]

But it says, which would you rather suddenly become a contagious infectious condition?

[Mike]

It's color blindness.

[Chris]

Color blindness or dys to say, like.

[Andy]

Which of the following or which of you have to let people know there's something coming up?

[Mike]

Or would you rather color blindness or dyslexia become a contagious infectious condition? So you would occasionally acquire it just like the common cold, and it would last seven to ten days. Okay, so dyslexia or colorblindness. The premise of this question is fantastic. The wording terrible and the options are subpar. Like, we could have had some really more severe things that Become contagious. But colorblind or dyslexia, you can catch.

[Andy]

Them for about seven to 10 days.

[Mike]

Someone tell me what dyslexia really is.

[Jason]

Dyslexia means that you scramble upwards in letters. So when you're reading, you might read the second word before the first, or within words, certain letters will sit around.

[Andy]

It becomes very challenges.

[Mike]

Like reading challenges?

[Jason]

Yes. You basically can't see the world of color, or you are a poor reader. And I don't do reading. So this is, you know, what does not.

[Mike]

According to Mike.

[Andy]

This is a lie. This is a lie. Facade. This is all a trick.

[Jason]

Oh, no.

[Andy]

According to Mike, Mr. Jason, I go hiking in the mornings.

[Jason]

I'm getting exposed.

[Andy]

We were just. I just mentioned the trip. I didn't even know this was going to come up. We're on the aeroplane and I'm listening to some music. I'm vibing out. I look over. My compadre over here has pulled out a book, and I'm like, oh, that's.

[Mike]

That's new.

[Andy]

That's like. I wonder what he's reading. And it seems to be some sort of a fantasy.

[Jason]

It's Mistborn. It's like, yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh. I just assumed it was some health book. So he's just reading real books?

[Andy]

No, he is reading.

[Mike]

He's a reader.

[Andy]

He's reading fiction strictly for pleasure.

[Mike]

Tell him the big part. Tell him the special part.

[Andy]

The book comes out, and apparently the light wasn't enough for Jason, so he pulls out the little horseshoe book light.

[Mike]

Which were nice. Those are nice.

[Jason]

They're really nice.

[Andy]

They're really nice around the neck with the dual light. I'm just saying the charade is up.

[Jason]

All right, well, hold on. If we're getting exposed here. I was at. I was at a cabin yesterday. I'm out in the morning reading out by the campfire.

[Chris]

I was gonna bring that up if you didn't.

[Jason]

I took a. I took a bubble bath and I'm reading in the bathtub yesterday. I'm reading all the time.

[Chris]

Liter. Asking the group that was with us for bookmark recommendations if we had any bookmarks. We really.

[Andy]

Hold on.

[Mike]

A piece of paper, man, this would be fine.

[Andy]

I want to confirm what I just heard.

[Mike]

Not.

[Andy]

Not a book recommendation.

[Jason]

No, correct.

[Mike]

A book top.

[Andy]

A bookmark.

[Chris]

We saw him dog ear the corner of his pages, and we were giving him a hard time and. And asked him if he'd ever heard of bookmarks. But then it went down the road of he was on Amazon looking for of course. But he wanted the best.

[Jason]

The best bookmark.

[Andy]

You had to go buy a bookmark.

[Jason]

I want. I wanted the best book.

[Mike]

He's into books now. Mike, listen.

[Andy]

So what's the best? That feels like a draft.

[Mike]

When the world. When a person, we'll call him Jason, spends his 20s and 30s in a public outcry against hiking, reading, mornings, all of these things. Healthy food, all of the above. And it all at 40, whatever turns to.

[Andy]

And like, you still think you're that person not realizing that you're like.

[Mike]

Yeah, you said you don't.

[Andy]

I'm not a reader.

[Chris]

It's called.

[Jason]

That's your fictional character. Yeah.

[Andy]

Also, sorry, what's. What is wrong. What does the world find so wrong with just bending the corner of a page?

[Jason]

What's wrong with this? I mean, those. Those guys gave me really hard times.

[Mike]

It's not the end of the world, man. But also, you could rip off the corner of any piece of paper and use it as bookmark.

[Jason]

I'm not looking to like, like, personally, I'm not going to ebay this book when I'm done with it, you know, or take it to a bookstore and sell it. Like, I don't care if the do.

[Andy]

People ask and like, you got it up for sale on ebay. Like, was this book dog eared?

[Mike]

How many dog ears in a book do you want is the question? Because those will. They'll start to appear when you're closing the book. You'll start to see like 20.

[Andy]

And then that book's like, I am a well read.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You want a weathered, you know, used book. I want a couple of pages that.

[Mike]

Were clearly a bookmark is a piece.

[Jason]

At some point, some coffee stick, whether it's from tears or a bath.

[Andy]

Right.

[Mike]

All bookmarks, no matter which you find on the Internet and how much they cost, will all be some thin piece of material between the pages you're reading.

[Jason]

Not entirely true.

[Andy]

Thickest bookmark.

[Jason]

There are some bookmarks that a attached to the book itself and then hold.

[Mike]

The little leather thing. Yeah. Okay.

[Jason]

But what we concluded was why don't all books come with the ribbon that like the Bible has, like, just build in the ribbon.

[Andy]

Oh, that's cost. Yeah, that's what it wasn't.

[Jason]

Cost him a penny per book. I mean, shell out charge me five extra pennies.

[Andy]

Do you not remember the story of like, when the airlines, like, we removed an olive from our salads and we've just saved hundreds of thousands of dollars.

[Mike]

We're not putting these. And the ribbons wouldn't be up to snub.

[Andy]

But hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Mike]

These penny ribbons.

[Andy]

Jeremy. Mr. Attacking our new. Our friend over here who's bettering his life reading. And you're like, you're not doing it right. What is. What is going on here? Why.

[Chris]

I don't think I attacked him. It was a group effort.

[Jason]

Yeah, well, what was the.

[Chris]

More of just a. Noticing that he dog eared it and then. Then it became that it's.

[Mike]

He was hanging out with a group.

[Chris]

Of readers of defacing a nice book.

[Jason]

Okay. Yeah. Defacing. Why are you defac. Book made me feel really bad.

[Andy]

Take that spine.

[Mike]

Yeah, I mean, I feel like I'd rather dog ear like a paperback than a hard cover. Was it hardcore?

[Chris]

It was a hard cover.

[Mike]

Yeah. I wouldn't want to do that.

[Andy]

A hard cover. Not coming with the ribbon. Now. Now we can talk.

[Jason]

Yes, yes. Now we can talk.

[Andy]

A hardback. Should come with a ribbon.

[Mike]

Should come with a ribbon. 100% or optional ribbon. You should be able to click like an. And pick your color.

[Jason]

Does it have a jacket on it? That's your bookmark.

[Andy]

Oh, those are too thick.

[Mike]

You didn't take the jacket off.

[Andy]

Take that dust cover. Throw that thing in garbage.

[Mike]

I have that thing in the old. The trash bin.

[Jason]

Okay, I will. I'm gonna deface the heck out of it.

[Mike]

Plus, you'll notice that when you take the dust cover off, it'll look much nicer on your shelf, which you have to be building now.

[Jason]

Yeah, I know. The library is in.

[Andy]

What are we doing with these dust covers? They're so obnoxious. They look. The COVID of the book looks so much better.

[Mike]

It sails.

[Andy]

It's plastic on the couch.

[Jason]

Save the money on the dust cover.

[Mike]

Put a ribbon in. There's no place to put the bio of the author without a dust cover.

[Andy]

Oh, a page in the book.

[Mike]

You can't do that.

[Jason]

Where do we write? Where do we write words?

[Andy]

No, Josh, it's not the book.

[Mike]

It is, but it's not the bookmark.

[Andy]

So do you leave it on while you're reading?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And then you move the inner cover to be where you're stupid.

[Jason]

That's the COVID into the page that you finished. I've seen that. And that's.

[Andy]

You're fired.

[Jason]

It's fine. But when you've got a. This book is pretty thick.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So if it won't get in the middle, it's. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

That won't.

[Andy]

Stress doesn't work.

[Mike]

Yeah, this is. This discussion is spectacular. I'd rather be colorblind for seven to 10 days.

[Andy]

By the way, I'd rather be is.

[Mike]

I can live without colors for a little while.

[Jason]

Oh, I'd rather be dyslexic.

[Mike]

But what about your books?

[Jason]

I can put on audible for a week. Okay, I'll listen.

[Mike]

Good job, guys. This has been something special. We'll take a break. We'll come back with man of the people.

[Andy]

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[Mike]

You know, before we jump into man of the people, I'm just thinking about this like Jason, you know, everybody's midlife crisis is different. You know, my science teacher in grade school, his was a Mazda Miata. You know, I'm just. I don't know what man I'm going to be in a couple of years is the real thing. That's the point I'm bringing up because I'm already entering that phase.

[Jason]

I'm coming out of it.

[Mike]

You're coming out of it. I'm going right in. He said. Jason said 41 was his toughest year.

[Jason]

Yeah, 41.

[Mike]

I just turned it 41. So far. It sucked.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Sorry. Because you, like, you came face to face with the demons and. But now you're changing it. I doubt it.

[Jason]

I think I just.

[Mike]

Is it mortality?

[Jason]

I think it just.

[Andy]

I felt old.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And fat and broken.

[Andy]

And now you're working on it, man.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So, you know, we'll all get there. Dude, there is a bug in my water cup that refuses to leave.

[Mike]

In your water?

[Jason]

Yeah, Just hanging out, like, right by the. If anybody's on YouTube.

[Chris]

About five minutes ago, Jason was staring into this cup and I could not figure out what was going on.

[Andy]

Of those little gnat type bugs.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

But it didn't go in the water.

[Jason]

It didn't go in the water. So I don't know if I can drink this or not, but this. I mean, it was hanging out there.

[Andy]

For a long time. That's another question. What is your response if a bug.

[Mike]

Went in the water?

[Andy]

Say the tiny little gnat goes in the water. Are you like, I can't.

[Jason]

I was. I was full. I'm currently planning on not drinking any more of that water.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

Even now.

[Jason]

Even now. Like, I don't want to.

[Mike]

You don't pluck and sip?

[Jason]

No, not unless. Not unless the. Not unless the liquid is valuable.

[Mike]

I would not pluck and sip unless I saw it go in. Like, if I. If I didn't know if it was there for like days or something.

[Andy]

Oh, how old is it?

[Mike]

How long is water around? You don't have water next to your.

[Andy]

Bed in a bottle. Like in a thermos.

[Mike]

Okay, your thermos. What do you have next to your bed?

[Jason]

I've got a bottle of water.

[Mike]

I have.

[Jason]

You know when you got a bucket?

[Andy]

No.

[Mike]

When you go to baseball games, they give you the. Like, souvenir cups. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I collect those. And all I use them for is water glasses by my bed. If. I mean, theoretically, I could use that for a couple nights. I could drink half of it. There's enough water for the next night. Now I'm getting handshake.

[Chris]

But you got it covered like a layer of dust.

[Mike]

No, there ain't. It's not covered. There is dust. Gross. There can be dust, but if I. If I.

[Jason]

And if I see the bug go in, it's fine. But otherwise it could.

[Mike]

If I see a floating bug, I'm not plucking it, I'm refilling.

[Andy]

How big of a bug? So you watching the bug go in, how big does the bug have to be before you're like, nope, I can't.

[Mike]

Yeah. I mean, it's gotta be super tiny. Like a regular fly. Like a real. Like a house fly's too big.

[Andy]

Yeah, House. Because they're all stuck. They're covered in doo doo. But, like, a bumblebee goes in.

[Jason]

Oh, good question.

[Andy]

Perishes in that water.

[Jason]

Bumble, bumble, bumble.

[Mike]

I'm not sipping that water.

[Andy]

Honeybee, maybe.

[Jason]

Wait, what's the difference?

[Andy]

The bumblebees.

[Jason]

A bumblebee's different than a husband's.

[Andy]

Got the fuzzy butt.

[Mike]

The bumblebees are huge, man.

[Jason]

Wait, that's. I thought. I thought a bumblebee is just.

[Mike]

If it was the same, it'd be called a bee. It wouldn't be called a bumblebee.

[Jason]

I thought we just shorten it. And we don't always have to say bumblebee. We just call him a bee.

[Mike]

No, no, man.

[Andy]

It's a type of bee.

[Mike]

Have you not seen those big old bumblebees flying around? They're not.

[Andy]

Those are. The big ones are like.

[Jason]

Bumblebees are just the black and yellow regular.

[Andy]

But they're fuzzies.

[Jason]

Isn't that what a normal bee is?

[Andy]

No. A honeybee is not fuzzy.

[Jason]

Honeybees aren't fuzzy.

[Andy]

No. They're sleek death machines.

[Mike]

They got a little bit of fuzz because they got, like, a bumble. They got to get the pollen on them.

[Chris]

Mike is correct.

[Jason]

Bumblebees are cute.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

Honeybees are monsters.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

But bumblebees are much bigger.

[Jason]

They are a little.

[Andy]

Yeah. But they look Friendlier.

[Jason]

They look way friendlier.

[Mike]

They look cuddly.

[Jason]

And they're more. They're more round, less sleek. The sleekness of a honeybee is made for war. A bumblebee. Which is funny. I want these names replaced.

[Andy]

Bumblebee's a cruiser.

[Jason]

Hmm.

[Mike]

I mean, bumble's a goofy name. It's the right name for that.

[Jason]

I'm a bumbling bee. Bumblebees are genuinely cute. Like, which came first?

[Mike]

What are the ones we see flying around in Arizona that are giant?

[Andy]

You talking about.

[Jason]

You're talking big.

[Andy]

It's usually a June bug, but if it's a bee, it's a. I think it's a carpenter bee.

[Jason]

That's what I've always called big, huge black ones that are like three inches.

[Mike]

That's what I've always said was a bumblebee.

[Jason]

That's not a bumblebee.

[Andy]

No, that's incorrect. What are the giant, big, black bees?

[Jason]

No, not a wasp. It's the carpenter bee. Matt won't.

[Andy]

Wasps. You're fired.

[Jason]

You're fired.

[Mike]

We know what a wasp is.

[Jason]

You are no longer employed.

[Andy]

A wasp is an opinion. Angry looking bee. So, Josh, you're on my side.

[Jason]

It's a carpenter bee. It's the drones.

[Andy]

Come on fire today, boy.

[Mike]

Oh, no, you're not right.

[Jason]

Is it a pigeon?

[Chris]

We do have. We do have big, black bumblebees as well.

[Mike]

Oh, carpenter bee does look right.

[Jason]

We wait.

[Andy]

There's. There's big black bumblebees.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Are they snuggly? They're not snuggly. I'm so sorry.

[Chris]

No, they're not. They do have, like, a little fur coat, but then they're butt smooth.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

All right. Man of the people. I hit this button and we start. And we stop talking about bees.

[Andy]

Bumbus melanopagus.

[Chris]

Jason, do you need some water? Are you gonna be all right?

[Jason]

I would love a drink.

[Chris]

Matt would love to get that for you.

[Jason]

Yeah. You're hired temporarily to get me a drink.

[Mike]

He gets you a drink. He walks it out here on camera. You slap him in the face for saying wasps, and then he can leave.

[Jason]

Okay. All right, deal.

[Chris]

Man of the people.

[Mike]

I wouldn't even feel bad. You're not supposed to slap your employees, but this is fine.

[Jason]

No, he said wasps when we were talking about bees. Like we didn't know what a wasp.

[Andy]

Pigeon.

[Jason]

Do you know how smart we are?

[Mike]

Very.

[Jason]

I don't know what a mike is.

[Mike]

Still digging into these bumblebees.

[Andy]

Well, carpenter bee versus the black bumblebee. They look real similar.

[Mike]

Yeah, man.

[Andy]

So what do we got here? And art is one worse.

[Chris]

We have both here.

[Andy]

Oh, that's great.

[Mike]

I don't see that. That's great.

[Andy]

We also got those tarantulas.

[Jason]

You can just come right on camera and get your slap.

[Mike]

Come on in. Get your slap. There you go.

[Jason]

Let the record show I did slap him. And I also made him spill the dirty, nasty water all over the water.

[Mike]

To be clear, that water never had a bug in it. Maybe the bugs were just near it.

[Jason]

The bug was near it, but I.

[Mike]

Don'T know if it's dry bug.

[Jason]

I don't know if he was drinking. He's not man of the People drinking my water, though. Did I just get you to spit?

[Chris]

He got a spit take out of him.

[Andy]

Oh, gosh.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

It's the bug.

[Jason]

It's the bug juice. The bug juice.

[Mike]

He's covered in water.

[Andy]

That's the end of Matt. We'll see you later, bud.

[Mike]

All right, we're playing man of the People. Al Borland has gone out and surveyed thousands of people.

[Jason]

You're fired.

[Chris]

This show is just 100 people wild.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

His shirt is covered in water.

[Jason]

Okay. And that's. That's dirty. That's dirty bug water.

[Mike]

Bug water. He would call it a wasp.

[Andy]

We'll be dead soon.

[Jason]

Yeah. Wasp water. Wasp in that drink.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh. All right, Al, I'm going to let you keep talk or start talking. Tell us what we're doing.

[Chris]

Jason is the current reigning man of the People.

[Mike]

That doesn't seem right.

[Chris]

We surveyed 100 people. Top six answers are on the board. If you get the number one answer, you get three points. If you get the second answer, you get two points. And if you get any other answer, you get one point. The seventh round is worth double the points.

[Jason]

All right, let's do it. Oh, man.

[Andy]

First, not waking up for this guy.

[Mike]

Me neither.

[Chris]

Name a reason why a child can't wait to grow up.

[Jason]

No school.

[Chris]

No school is the number six answer.

[Jason]

I'm on the board.

[Andy]

Barely get that shmoney.

[Chris]

Have a job is the number three answer.

[Jason]

We're both only one point.

[Mike]

Phrase it for me again, just so.

[Chris]

I'm why a child can't wait to grow up.

[Mike]

Three, get married.

[Chris]

Romance is the number five answer.

[Andy]

Okay, okay.

[Jason]

Well, we all. We all tell us. Barely got true answer.

[Chris]

Drive is the number one answer.

[Andy]

Oh, shoot. Okay.

[Chris]

Move out. Number two answer.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Chris]

And the only other one you missed is no rules.

[Andy]

I was gonna say no bills I got bad news. Kids.

[Jason]

Brother kids, you got a lot more rules.

[Andy]

And they're.

[Mike]

The very first thing I did when I moved out was I broke the rule and I bought a bin of Red Vines going, I can eat as many as I want. One hour later, I was throwing up in the toilet. All right?

[Chris]

For me, it was binge watching mtv. Oh, you're not allowed to watch that in my house.

[Mike]

As much as you want.

[Chris]

All right, you guys all tied with one point there. Next question. Name an instrument that you need to be really coordinated to play.

[Mike]

I'm going to go violin.

[Chris]

Violin is the number four answer.

[Andy]

Drums.

[Jason]

Ah, that was what I was going to say.

[Chris]

I think that's the right answer. But it came in at the number two answer.

[Andy]

Okay, stop talking to idiots then.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Please survey better people.

[Jason]

What was the question?

[Chris]

How was it worded? Name an instrument that you'd need to be really coordinated to play.

[Mike]

Oh, you did the three.

[Jason]

Two. Saxophone.

[Chris]

That is the number six.

[Jason]

I'm on the board.

[Chris]

Yeah, you can guess.

[Andy]

Piano.

[Chris]

That is the number one answer.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's wrong.

[Jason]

You've got to be way more coordinated to play the drums than drums.

[Andy]

Drums you need.

[Mike]

I feel like piano is a good answer, though. It's two hands.

[Chris]

They just need to swap drums and piano.

[Andy]

But for drums, you need to be able to independently operate all four limbs. It's not just your fingies.

[Jason]

Well, piano, you gotta use a pedal. Pedals too. That's three.

[Chris]

This is three limbs.

[Andy]

I'm telling you, I use both. It is nothing like playing the drums.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

All right, well, you mike plays both. So most more points.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Chris]

All right, we got mike three, Andy and Jason at two. The next question is. Name a famous movie monster you might see in a black and white film.

[Mike]

King Kong.

[Chris]

That is the number two answer.

[Jason]

Ooh, Godzilla.

[Chris]

That is the number one answer.

[Andy]

Shoot. Read the question again, please.

[Chris]

Name a famous movie monster.

[Jason]

I just wanted to make sure it.

[Chris]

Was black and white film.

[Andy]

Dracula.

[Chris]

That is the number four answer.

[Jason]

Okay, number three on the board.

[Chris]

Yeah, you guys are doing great. Number three was Frankenstein.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Then Mummy and Werewolf were five and six.

[Jason]

I'm not going to lie to you. I would have swapped 1 and 2.

[Mike]

King Kong.

[Jason]

Godzilla was the first name that came to mind. But then when I was thinking black and white, I was like, no, that's more King Kong.

[Mike]

Yeah, all right.

[Jason]

But I'm glad that it was.

[Mike]

They fight each other though, right?

[Jason]

Sometimes.

[Andy]

We made them the American.

[Mike]

We made them do it.

[Jason]

They don't actually exist.

[Mike]

Is King Kong Our Godzilla, I don't know.

[Jason]

Feel like.

[Andy]

I mean, they're. They're different because Godzilla is more of a. It was the warning about nuclear war, where King Kong is just a monster who comes in and climbs buildings and grabs. Yeah. He takes damsels.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

To the top.

[Chris]

All right, three rounds down, four to go. Reminder, last round is.

[Mike]

Where's our bowser?

[Chris]

Our current reigning champion is on top with five points. You two have four. Name something. College roommates might argue about the cleanliness of the room. Cleaning is the number one answer.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Money. The bill. What A rent.

[Chris]

However they're gonna say it, money is the number three answer.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Andy]

Parties. People there.

[Jason]

Which answer?

[Andy]

I mean, I'm sorry.

[Chris]

I'll get. Music is on the board, but I don't know if that's really parties part. That's the closest thing.

[Andy]

Parties. Because it's talking about, like, loud and like that.

[Chris]

That is the number five answer.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's.

[Chris]

You guys missed my number two answer, which was food. They argue about, like, who's. Like, people eating each other's food in the refrigerator.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But wait, hold on. I'm. Bills.

[Mike]

That was that one.

[Chris]

Three.

[Mike]

That one I was.

[Andy]

But I don't.

[Mike]

Because I didn't think, like, roommates of an apartment versus a.

[Andy]

You said dorm, right?

[Chris]

Just college roommates is the word.

[Jason]

So when I was my college roommates, I lived in an apartment.

[Andy]

Okay. I was thinking of dorms.

[Mike]

We both went dorms. But you're right.

[Andy]

The rent that no one's paying, it's just in your tuition.

[Mike]

All right. We're all on the board every time.

[Chris]

We got Andy with seven, Jason with six, Mike with five.

[Andy]

Saving up for round seven, guys.

[Jason]

Yeah. Smart.

[Chris]

If you were stranded on a tropical island, name something you might have to eat.

[Jason]

Oh, it's gotta be a coconut.

[Chris]

Coconut's number one answer.

[Jason]

Yeah. You're never getting into that thing. Yeah.

[Andy]

There's nothing else you can eat?

[Chris]

Fish, Seafood. Number two answer.

[Jason]

Nice.

[Andy]

A tropical island.

[Jason]

Correct.

[Andy]

Wild chickens.

[Chris]

I love the confidence.

[Andy]

Not on the board.

[Chris]

Bananas, bananas, bananas. Number three. Pineapples, four. Bugs, number five, and berries, number six.

[Mike]

I want to go on that island, though, because there's a few.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's called Hawaii.

[Mike]

Yeah. Let's get some wild chickens.

[Andy]

There's wild chickens there.

[Jason]

Yeah. But I'm guessing that if you were on one of these islands before, you would take that chicken and murder and eat it. You'd probably grab the bananas or the berries.

[Andy]

Yeah, well, no, because I got to keep up my gains.

[Jason]

Oh, that's true.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Okay, that's fair. Need that protein. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Smart.

[Andy]

Ain't catching no fish.

[Jason]

All right, next round.

[Andy]

How am I doing that?

[Chris]

All right, next round. Name a word that begins with con.

[Mike]

Concept.

[Chris]

Concept. Not on the board.

[Jason]

No, I was too quick. Confetti.

[Chris]

Confetti. Not on the board.

[Jason]

Dang it.

[Andy]

Concert.

[Mike]

Oh, that's going to be on.

[Jason]

That's going to be on there.

[Chris]

Concert. Not on the.

[Mike]

Shut out.

[Jason]

What are these words? Con artist was the only convict.

[Chris]

Was number one. Con artist was number two. Contest, contract, construction, and connect.

[Mike]

That one's kind of wild. Man.

[Andy]

Is a lot of words a full word, or is that a hyphen?

[Jason]

So when I.

[Andy]

When you were reading out of here.

[Jason]

I thought, con artist is perfect, but I was like, that's not a word.

[Mike]

Space artist.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's not a word.

[Chris]

It doesn't keep people from saying the answer.

[Mike]

That's true.

[Andy]

It is just a survey. They said drums is number two.

[Mike]

Is this last round.

[Chris]

This would be the last round.

[Andy]

Here we go. Coming in hot.

[Chris]

So we currently have a tie. Andy and Jason with nine. Mike has five. I'm doomed. It's not looking good for you.

[Mike]

Well, if you get this round and.

[Andy]

You guys don't get an answer, then, yeah, I can win.

[Jason]

Well, and if Wild chickens is the answer to this one, you're. You're good.

[Chris]

You're all going to get on the board here. Sorry, Mike. All right. Name a job that ends with the word guard.

[Jason]

Security guard.

[Chris]

That is the number two answer.

[Mike]

Ooh.

[Jason]

Andy, you have chance Three.

[Mike]

I'm not. Neither of us have buzz.

[Jason]

Name one. No, but you're getting time. What do you mean? You have to buzz in in a time.

[Andy]

No, you don't. Yes. Now when there's two people left, we.

[Mike]

Could have all been sitting here.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You don't know this game.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh.

[Mike]

Learn the rules.

[Jason]

That's not true.

[Andy]

Name a job that ends.

[Chris]

We've never had this situation. I think in most game shows. Jason's right. We would be. You would have to. There you go.

[Mike]

Lifeguard.

[Andy]

Oh, that's a good answer.

[Chris]

With enough time. So I got the number one asterisk.

[Jason]

This was absolute nonsense. He does not deserve.

[Andy]

On. Hold on.

[Mike]

I wasn't on the.

[Andy]

Hold on. Wild guard.

[Chris]

Wild guard. Not on the board. We had lifeguard, security guard, bodyguard, prison guard, national guard, and crossing guard.

[Mike]

It actually, I took a long time.

[Chris]

To think you guys were all instantly happy there, but that does.

[Andy]

I won.

[Chris]

Make Andy this week. Man of the people.

[Andy]

No way.

[Mike]

Too quick. Jay too quick. All right, we'll take a break. We'll draft.

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[Mike]

Confetti Confetti Fetty was my favorite answer for what it's worth.

[Jason]

The Spitballers draft.

[Mike]

All right, we are drafting fictional devices we wish were real fictional devices. And Jason, what do they have to be?

[Jason]

They have to be electronical or mechanic.

[Mike]

Thank you. So Mike, you are the first pick in our devices you wish were real draft. What are you going with?

[Andy]

I imagine we'll be pretty top heavy here with big ones. So it's just which one? So I'm going it's time machine for me and I'm going to go with the TARDIS as I think it's the most efficient Doctor who. Like the. Yeah, yeah, Doctor who.

[Jason]

I didn't know what that was.

[Andy]

Oh yeah, it's the Doctor who want.

[Mike]

Like it's like bigger on the inside.

[Andy]

And you can go any time or place you want to. The DeLorean's awesome but you're reliant on a lot of stuff as we saw in the movies, that chaos can happen.

[Mike]

I feel like the DeLorean and you.

[Andy]

Got to get to 88.

[Mike]

The DeLorean's kind of a weird answer because the real Device There is Mr. Fusion.

[Andy]

Right. It was just the flux capacitor, I guess because at number one.

[Mike]

Oh, right.

[Andy]

Number one does flex fusion.

[Mike]

Yeah, you're right.

[Andy]

You're right. Jason has no idea what time machine is.

[Jason]

You guys are talking like it's real.

[Mike]

Time machine is.

[Jason]

Well, what actually makes it work is the writing.

[Mike]

Are we good with that?

[Andy]

In the world of Back to the Future, we're talking about what makes it real.

[Mike]

All right, okay. So the TARDIS is the number one pick by Mike. Jason, you're on the clock.

[Jason]

I'm going to go with the heart wants what the heart wants. Good.

[Andy]

Good for you.

[Jason]

And this might not be the most popular, but it's would be incredible. And I don't think enough credit is given in the Star Trek universe to the Replicator.

[Andy]

Oh, it's on my list firmly.

[Mike]

So I'm really disappointed because that's my number one pick. It's.

[Jason]

It's unbelievable.

[Andy]

The food machine.

[Jason]

The food machine just make me any food. Perfect. Immediately right now from.

[Mike]

It's not just food.

[Jason]

No, it's not. It's not.

[Mike]

It rearranges subatomic particles into anything that you want.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I mean, it just can't be organic. You. You can.

[Andy]

So you can. You can make electronicals.

[Mike]

Like you just can't work like a. You can't like make a person's arm.

[Andy]

Or something like that, but you can make a machine.

[Mike]

You can make.

[Andy]

I mean, you can make a bio or a mechanical.

[Mike]

Like a quick. Really? Yeah, like a computer map.

[Andy]

I don't Star Trek.

[Jason]

When, when, when they.

[Andy]

Because I have self respect.

[Jason]

Like when they.

[Mike]

It creates things from thin air.

[Jason]

Watch Star Trek doing this draft, I realized your list is sturdy. They are the best of all the sci fi cool stuff. They did it the best. But yeah, that. You know, when you ask it for a dish, it's putting it on a plate, it's making a plate.

[Mike]

The Replicator is a great pick.

[Jason]

What do you do with that? You just throw it away. I mean, how do they not just get overrun by plates? Every time everyone eats, a brand new plate exists.

[Mike]

You put the plate right back into the machine and it rearranges the particles for the next thing recycles forever. Lightsaber. Okay.

[Andy]

Yeah. Figure that one would happen.

[Mike]

I didn't really want it to be my first pick. I wanted to get into the Replicator and start talking about it, like, I'm smart and you picked it.

[Jason]

It's obviously a very popular one that you know will do well in the draft, but I think, like, fictional devices you wish were real. I don't wish the lightsaber was real. That is.

[Mike]

A lot of people do.

[Jason]

No, no, no. I get that.

[Andy]

There would be some big problems.

[Jason]

Yeah, there's big problems if a lightsaber is real.

[Mike]

Yeah. I'm going in the back of a lot of vaults, straight in. All right. So you threw me off a little bit. I thought I was very, very safe with the replicator. So I've got the lightsaber. I'm just going to. Heart wants what heart wants. I'm going hoverboard back to the future.

[Andy]

Yeah, baby. That's nice.

[Mike]

We. You could pretend like we've made stuff like that. We haven't. We haven't made anything. Yeah, the one that's out there, they're all pretend, man. They're all. No, they're all like, oh, if you put it on a magnet floor, special.

[Andy]

Track, then it doesn't work. As long as it can hover over everything but water, you're good.

[Mike]

I feel like hoverboard lightsaber, and I have those, and I'm using them at the same time. I'm the cool man. I'm the coolest dude ever.

[Jason]

You just flying down, cutting balls in half.

[Mike]

Yo, Biff, come here. All right, Jason, you're back on the clock.

[Andy]

That's a very different movie.

[Mike]

It is.

[Andy]

If you give Marty, you give him.

[Mike]

A lightsaber, he's going to be all right.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

I would have taken this one first, but I felt like with your tardis, so I'm unfamiliar with Doctor who. This can go anywhere and anytime.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So I could be like, I'm yesterday in China.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So that. That's way better than what I'm about to pick. But I want the teleporter from Star Trek.

[Andy]

It's still very cool.

[Jason]

The fact that I could just, like, you know, beam somewhere. That is still the device. That is the fictional device that I cannot wait to exist. And it will say, beam me down 100%.

[Andy]

No, they go, beam me down.

[Mike]

Beam me down, Scotty. They never beam you down.

[Andy]

They do.

[Mike]

That energizes the one Jason's a big fan of.

[Andy]

It's the word energizical.

[Jason]

Yeah. So I'll take Star Trek. Teleportation is going to be so great. And will 100% exist.

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah. And Jason has been so. It's so important to him that people know he was the one.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I believe for the beginning.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

I believe we're gonna teleport ourselves.

[Andy]

We're not, it seems. I mean, I feel like you have to go wormhole teleportation. We can't do the. Disassemble your body, send your genetic code.

[Mike]

Over and reassemble powder.

[Jason]

I'm already there.

[Andy]

Where?

[Jason]

Wherever I'm going, I'm not. I'm not being disassembled and reassembled. Is anyone else confused?

[Mike]

He's been drinking a lot.

[Andy]

Okay, so I'm up.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Sick. I'm gonna take the cuz I thought this was. I thought it would never make it back. Give me the Iron man suit.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

Because I will do almost all those things. I mean, I can fly, I can go to space if I need to go to war. I can be a single man army. Very excited for that one.

[Mike]

And then what slows you down in that suit, by the way?

[Jason]

Having to pee like that would be.

[Andy]

There's no way. There's no way you can pee in there for sure.

[Jason]

You could poop if you go high enough. That's fine. It'll evaporate, you know, by the time it hits the ground.

[Mike]

No saying you pee in the suit. You're saying you're peeing out of the suit.

[Jason]

That's right. I'm not going to pee in my suit.

[Andy]

If you go up.

[Mike]

People pee in suits, brother.

[Andy]

Peeing out the suit. You got a whole nother freezing problem.

[Mike]

People pee in scuba suits.

[Jason]

Oh, you think it's really cold up there?

[Andy]

Up in the air, up in the atmosphere or space? Very cold.

[Jason]

I'm not going to outer space in ocean opening my suit. I'm just going, you know.

[Andy]

How high up are we going?

[Jason]

Thousand feet.

[Andy]

A thousand.

[Mike]

Oh, people can see.

[Jason]

I don't. You're giving them way too much credit.

[Mike]

Yeah, I am. That's a good point.

[Andy]

And then for my next pick, let's see. Speaking of the heart wants from the movie up.

[Jason]

Okay, I will be taking all those balloons.

[Andy]

No, I will be taking the talking dog collar.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

So that my dog may speak to me.

[Mike]

Oh, that's a cool pick.

[Andy]

I mean, me and my dogs, I'm gonna know exactly what they want.

[Mike]

Man. The idea that your dogs can talk and then you get the collar on and they're just saying nothing.

[Andy]

Oh, that's definitely what's happening. Treats poop, treat poop, poop.

[Jason]

Or way worse, they just tell you how free me, how sad they are. Oh, yeah, you're like, I hate. Well, I hate.

[Mike]

I remember my siblings.

[Andy]

You know what? I would rapidly improve the life of my dog if he said that.

[Jason]

Because I don't want to be trapped in this house anymore. I'd like to leave and go out. And so you just let him go out the front door?

[Andy]

I won't let him go out. Cuz you'll die.

[Mike]

Yeah, I was gonna say you'd be like, oh, I can't let you go because you'll just die.

[Andy]

Maybe the frequency of walks increases. Okay, but until he actually says that, then no, he can just sleep in the house.

[Mike]

What if. What if you had a dog collar, but it makes you speak in dog.

[Andy]

That's fine too.

[Mike]

He would understand you. You wouldn't know what you're saying though, right?

[Andy]

No, I would, but everyone else who was hearing me would hear bark, bark, bark.

[Mike]

Jason, what Star Trek item are you picking?

[Jason]

The Star Trek item I am drafting is the phaser.

[Mike]

Okay. He's going Star Trek again.

[Andy]

You're just doing a full.

[Jason]

I mean, look, they're awesome things. They're awesome things. What are you doing?

[Mike]

So you don't want a lightsaber? Would you want a phaser?

[Jason]

Well, yeah, because a second set it to stun.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I mean, come on, you stunning randos.

[Jason]

Oh, yes. From the back, they won't know.

[Andy]

Are you in my way?

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Then, yeah, you're getting stunned.

[Mike]

Just so you go on an elevator and when it opens up on the next floor, they're all laying on the ground.

[Jason]

I don't think they fall over. They just kind of freeze all over if you're stunned.

[Andy]

Well, I know this is.

[Mike]

This ain't no Mr. Freeze machine.

[Andy]

I don't know Star Trek enough to.

[Mike]

Know that they fall over.

[Andy]

They fall over. Yes, please, like, go to sleep.

[Mike]

Yes. This is not like. It's not freeze tag.

[Andy]

How do you not know this?

[Jason]

It's been a minute since I've been watching Star Trek. I grew up on it.

[Andy]

Did they still use the phasers in Next Generation?

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

They just shaped different. More like a gun, I think.

[Andy]

Oh, unless like in OG it was.

[Mike]

More like a remote control.

[Jason]

I don't know.

[Chris]

I see you typically fall unconscious and drop to the ground.

[Mike]

That's because sometimes you'd be confused, like, oh, I hope that was on stun because they fell over if it was on kill.

[Jason]

If I see a video Star Trek 10 things you didn't know about phasers, I'm gonna watch that.

[Mike]

Well, you should. Yeah.

[Andy]

I mean, number one Is if you stun someone, they fall down.

[Jason]

I didn't know that.

[Mike]

Am I back up?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay, let's have some fun. I'm going Rocketeer jetpack.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

That's not very cool compared to my Iron man suit.

[Jason]

But you know what's funny is, I cool.

[Andy]

Until I knew Iron Man, I had.

[Jason]

The Rocket man jetpack on my Rocket Man. The Rocketeer.

[Andy]

Give him some respect. It's a great movie.

[Jason]

The Rocketeer jetpack on my list. I didn't have the Iron man because I felt like the Iron man was, like, too much of a vehicle.

[Mike]

The jetpack, but way better, also works with my lightsaber, which is. And then I'm actually gonna go into the video game universe here. I'm going the portal gun. Portal. Fabulous game.

[Andy]

You better have some good, sturdy legs.

[Mike]

Just to be able to jump through it or.

[Jason]

Well, yeah. I mean, if.

[Andy]

No, like, when you fall through it, if you come from the ceiling.

[Mike]

Well, I've got a.

[Jason]

Choose where you're shooting that thing.

[Mike]

Brothers. I got it.

[Andy]

Inertia.

[Mike]

Still built a hoverboard under my feet. I've got a jetpack. If I'm coming down too fast, we're in good shape.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's. Those are real. They work together fantastically.

[Chris]

All right.

[Jason]

I was actually. The portal gun was potentially my next pick, but since you took it, I'm taking the holodeck. So I'm going four for four on.

[Mike]

Is that a device?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

The holodeck is the most.

[Mike]

He got serious.

[Jason]

It's the coolest version of all. Let me show you these plans, the VR stuff. Because, like, in. You know, it's like the Ready Player One headset or whatever.

[Andy]

Right.

[Jason]

You know, we pretty much. We don't have the. We don't have the Oasis or the, you know, the destination, but we've got the tech right now. And it's like. It's weird, but in the holodeck, you go into a room, and then all of a sudden, the entire world changes. People can come, and I don't know how it. I don't know how it happens, because it's like, in theory, it is a room, you know, with dimensions. But then once they are in the holodeck and it changes. Now they can be. They can walk forever.

[Andy]

Well, I mean, if the floor is.

[Jason]

Did you.

[Andy]

Did you see that, like, cool treadmill that the Disney. Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

Where you walk for. Yeah. Okay.

[Andy]

So, I mean, if the 4 is.

[Jason]

That it has to be.

[Andy]

Then maybe. Maybe we can get there. All right. My. With my final pick. Man. I guess I have some overlap with the tardis, but I will take the remote from Click.

[Mike]

Is that a freeze remote?

[Andy]

That was the Adam Sandler. I don't remember. I mean, imagine pausing. Imagine a television remote. Yeah, and anything on the TV remote. So you could pause, you can rewind, you could turn people down.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Which. Oh, man.

[Mike]

Mute.

[Andy]

Yeah. If I can mute the world, you.

[Jason]

Can go straight to Netflix. Is there a Netflix button on there?

[Andy]

Yeah, obviously.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

But then your TV crashes.

[Mike]

So Mike has the Tardis, the Iron man suit, a talking dog collar, and the remote. Jason has the Replicator, teleporter, phaser, and holodeck from Star Trek. I've got the lightsaber, hoverboard, jetpack, and portal gun. Some honorable mentions as we close this thing out. I still had the shrink ray from Honey, I Shrunk the Kid. I couldn't think of how practical that would be.

[Andy]

Oh. I mean, the problem is how large it is.

[Mike]

Yeah, it is big, but if you.

[Andy]

Could actually shrink things like, that would be.

[Mike]

That would solve our world trash issues.

[Andy]

It would be unbelievable. I mean, in hunger.

[Mike]

Oh, and the memory deletion device.

[Andy]

I have neural on there to just.

[Mike]

Make people forget stuff. The grapple gun from Batman, I put on there.

[Andy]

Oh, that is awesome.

[Mike]

I have always. I spent my whole life being like, how does that work? Every time. How does it work? You just fire it up into the sky. No matter what, it will hook onto.

[Jason]

Something, it will find its destination, and it will bring you there.

[Andy]

Jeremy, how do I shrink hunger? I make the food gigantic. Jeremy.

[Mike]

Yeah, buddy?

[Jason]

Does it work?

[Chris]

Oh, this is from Blew up the kids.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, that's a good point.

[Andy]

It does both.

[Mike]

It only does one.

[Andy]

He makes a new machine in the second one.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Really?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, I guess I haven't seen it in a while.

[Jason]

So, wait, so in the first one, how do they come back?

[Mike]

That's a strong point. He might have figured out.

[Jason]

What?

[Andy]

Jeremy?

[Mike]

He can only make tiny things regular size.

[Chris]

I thought it only shrug. I have no idea.

[Mike]

Maybe it can do both. I mean, it's pretty. It was out of control, to be honest. That it was. Was really barely hanging on until.

[Andy]

Until the baseball diffused the beam.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And we're all right. I had a. A pokeball.

[Mike]

Huh?

[Andy]

Just in case.

[Jason]

Just in case you came upon a.

[Andy]

I mean, that was the problem, but.

[Mike]

It'S like real animals.

[Andy]

But if you could. Yeah, if you just like, he's throwing.

[Mike]

Out, like, a little.

[Andy]

I'm just saying if it worked on anything that's alive. And I was like, you get out of here. You go in this ball.

[Mike]

It's not magic. That's device I had.

[Jason]

Cerebro.

[Mike]

What is that?

[Andy]

That's the X Men.

[Jason]

Yeah. Put on the little helmet and you can find anyone anywhere and see what's going on around the world.

[Mike]

Okay. Okay. Well, there you go.

[Jason]

What did we learn today? I learned that electronical is not a word.

[Mike]

We did not learn what invincible and immune means.

[Andy]

Yeah. And we still have to figure out this blunt force trauma verse piercing. Where's the line? Where's the line?

[Mike]

If it blows a hole right through you, you're pierced.

[Andy]

Yes, it's a problem.

[Jason]

Strong in a lightsaber. Pierce.

[Andy]

No. No. Goodbye.

[Jason]

Thanks for listening to the stuff. Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

[Andy]

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