Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: The Air of Our Forefathers & Places to Visit to Get Sick – Spit Hits!

Date: January 15, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

Episode Overview

In this episode, the Spitballers—Andy, Mike, and Jason—dive into a fresh set of wild hypotheticals, clean but laugh-out-loud discussions, and their signature draft. From tooth-losing tales and the nuances of water preferences, to the most germ-ridden places you can visit, the guys riff on everyday nonsense with their unique blend of “dad joke” wisdom, good-natured ribbing, and surprisingly earnest insight.

Key Segments & Notable Moments

1. The Tale of Mike’s Missing Tooth

Timestamp: 01:04 – 04:47

• Mike reveals he recently lost a tooth, joking about how he tries to hide it and concocting wild stories about “karate on a motorcycle.”
  • "The tooth is a work in progress. I'm going to get a new one. Just haven’t found the right donor..." – Mike (03:17)
• The group humorously debates how to preserve a knocked-out tooth (milk? ice?), settling on dismissive practicalities.
  • "Don't teeth hold up?...If you exhume someone, they're just bones and teeth." – Jason (04:24)
• Andy introduces the “milk protocol” for teeth, which then gets lovingly mocked.

2. Would You Rather: Water or Everything Else?

Timestamp: 04:47 – 12:11

• The gang wrestles with a classic “Would You Rather”: Only ever drink still, unflavored water, or never drink it again (everything else allowed)?
• Jason stands firm on his water devotion, while Mike and Andy argue for the joys of coffee, soda, and, notably, hydration myths:
  • "That's like 90% of what I drink...just plain, still unflavored water." – Jason (07:14)
  • "You trying to take away my morning coffee? No, that is—just put me in the ground, brother." – Andy (11:05)
• They poke fun at dietary loopholes, cereal-milk loopholing, and the La Croix obsession in their workplace.
  • "This place drinks more sparkling water than any... It's like everyone here is addicted to sparkling water." – Jason (07:52)
• Side note on hydration: Mike passionately claims coffee does NOT dehydrate you—a hot take for the office.

3. Would You Rather: No Fire or No Wheel?

Timestamp: 12:24 – 16:28

• An existential but silly debate: Would civilization be worse off never inventing fire or the wheel?
• Andy and Mike lean “Team Fire,” arguing humanity likely wouldn’t exist without fire.
  • "If we never found fire, maybe we're all dead." – Jason (14:11)
• The debate devolves into joking about “mining from the metal tree” and Mike exposing Jason's lack of metallurgical knowledge.
  • "You're a fraud. The mask has been removed. He doesn't know everything about metal!" – Andy (13:22)

4. Would You Rather: Instant Travel, Super Sleep, or Infinite Calories?

Halve Your Trip or Teleport Past Traffic: 16:53 – 18:26

• Hands-down winner: the ability to teleport in front of cars, making driving nearly instant.
  • "That's instant teleportation... just test it out. If you're in your car, what's in front of you? Cars. Prove me wrong." – Jason (17:58)

Sleep Only 3 Hours or Eat 5000 Calories Guilt-Free: 18:31 – 24:14

• The panel debates the value of 21 waking hours vs. eating “everything you want” without weight gain.
• Temptation of big snacks, debate over “serving sizes,” and gripes about US vs. Europe food laws.
  • "What does a 5,000 calorie day look like? Tuesday." – Jason (19:23)
  • "The three hours of sleep is so tempting... I'd get more hours to play video games." – Mike (22:54)
• Final consensus: most go with infinite calories for the joy of "big time snacks," with a tangent about paranoia of going over the calorie limit and ballooning instantly.

5. Important Questions

Who Wins: Ninja Turtles vs. Power Rangers?
Timestamp: 26:42 – 31:02

• Intense 90’s kid debate: In a straight fight (no giant robots), who takes it?
• Mike tries to rationalize for the Turtles; Jason hammers home the Rangers' overwhelming advantage with “lore.”
  • "The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers would completely decimate the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles..." – Jason (29:11)
• Ultimately, all pick the Turtles out of nostalgia, while admitting it’s illogical.

Reusing a Pet’s Name After Tragedy
Timestamp: 31:02 – 33:49

• Mike tells a heartbreakingly funny story of adopting a dog (“Marley”) that lasted mere hours.
• Consensus: You can’t immediately re-use a pet name; time (and possibly new pets) must pass first.

Your Go-To Stove Burner
Timestamp: 34:01 – 38:10

• Unusually passionate takes on which stove burner is “the best.”
  • "Jason has 9 burners, so you have to keep that in mind..." – Mike (34:40)
• Andy prefers the middle for venting, Mike uses back burners for child safety, Jason says “front right always.”

Letting People Cross in the Parking Lot
Timestamp: 38:17 – 43:27

• How long do you keep letting people cross before you “assert your right” to drive?
  • "The answer is: Forever, buddy." – Jason (39:20)
• Heated (but rational) urging for pedestrians to wave cars through for efficiency
  • "Let the car go. How long do I wait for that car to drive by? Half a second, maybe a full second. How long to wait for me to walk past them?" – Andy (39:54)
• Special "weather clause" applied; if it's hot or cold out, let the pedestrian go.

Standing Etiquette: Target/Walmart, Jogging When Let Through

• Respectful “light jog” required if a car pauses—“That's my level of respect for you.” – Mike (43:04)

The Spitballers Draft:

“Places To Go If You Want To Get Sick”

Timestamp: 44:41 – 64:09

Top Picks:

1. Airport/Airplane (Mike, 45:30)

• Group consensus: "People will not disrupt their travel plans... I'm about to have all of the diseases." – Jason (47:38)

2. School (Andy, 47:48)

• Immediate infection risk once your child enrolls. "Your house is now just infested..." – Andy (48:06)

3. Hospital (especially Emergency Room) (Jason, 49:13)

• "Even if you don't get sick, you feel like you did." – Jason (49:38)
• The group jokes about “sick” and “well” rooms at the doctor’s office being separated by only a few steps.

4. Daycare (Mike, 54:06)

• Universally dubbed an “incubator of all future disease.”

5. Amusement Park/Disneyland (Mike, 55:02-55:04)

• Lines, crowds, handrails, and no one cancels trips for any sickness.

6. Concert (Andy, 52:34)

• Packed, sweaty, shouting crowds: “You're just getting crushed on all sides. It is disgusting.” – Andy (53:26)

7. Sporting Event (Andy, 56:29)

• Mass-exoduses, body contact, and “striped shirt wearing referees” added for comedic flavor.

8. Elevator – Especially Full (Jason, 51:31)

• Recirculated air and no escape. “Hold your breath. That’s it.” – Jason (52:03)

9. Public Restroom (Gas Station Special) (Jason, 57:33)

• The Spitballers admit nobody uses the waxy toilet covers.

10. Subway (Andy, 61:02)

• “The air that's in there – it's not supposed to be there.”—Andy (61:14)
• Running joke: “It's an honor to breathe our forefathers' air in the subway.”

11. Small Musical Theater (w/sold out shows & tiny lobby) (Jason, 59:00)

• Locally-inspired pick, but relatable for community event parents everywhere.

12. Bar (Conference After-Party) (Mike, 63:16)

• Bar after-parties = impossible to avoid others' breath, touch, and volume.

Honorable Mentions:

• Public pool, Walmart, cruise ship, movie theater, buffet, county fair, bus, mall food court.

Best Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On water snobbery:
  "My Mountain Valley Spring glass bottled water. Ours is sewer reclaimed water; they just put some bubbles in it." – Jason & Andy tag team (09:05)

• On kid germs:
  "Kids are filthy." – Mike (48:57)

• On Air of Our Forefathers:
  "Wait, are you breathing the same air as they breathed 50 years ago in the subway?" – Mike (61:40) "100%...Ben Franklin, that was his air." – Jason & Andy (61:44)

• Pet name recycling:
  "No, you delete the first Marley. That never happened." – Jason (33:00)

• On courteous crossing:
  "I will get into a light jog...That's my level of respect for you." – Mike (43:00)

Tone and Style

• The banter is consistently clever but family friendly, with lots of call-and-response, mock logic, and “dad humor.”
• They blend genuine opinions (health, etiquette, parenting) with exaggerated scenarios for comedic effect.
• The episode includes several running gags: Mike’s dental mishaps, Jason’s “metal ignorance,” Andy’s burner preferences, and the recurring “striped sweater” woman.

Additional Tips

• Timestamps provided throughout for easy navigation.
• Draft picks are ripe for debate—share your own "sickest places" with the Spitballers on social media or at Spitballerspod.com!

For Listeners Who Missed This Episode:

You’ll walk away with new (and silly) anxieties about elevators, musical theaters, and water preferences, but also some genuinely useful etiquette tips and plenty of relatable laughs. The Spitballers keep things light, never crude, and always welcoming—whether you’re a long-time fan or new to the show.