The Bird Gang & Things That Make You Feel Self Conscious - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: The Bird Gang & Things That Make You Feel Self Conscious - Spit Hits!

Released: February 12, 2026

Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

Episode Overview

In this episode, the Spitballers tackle a broad and hilarious set of topics—namely, things that make us all feel self-conscious. Throughout, Andy, Mike, and Jason deliver their trademark blend of relatable humor, rapid-fire banter, and “life advice you should never take,” alongside their recurring segments “Would You Rather,” “Is This Real Life,” and the Spitballers Draft.

This episode is a true showcase of their clean and family-friendly yet genuinely funny comedy style, as the trio riff on everything from intense dental hygiene and animal analogies to the perils of parking and the universal awkwardness of being the “uncool parent.” Along the way, they sprinkle in viral news stories (from depressed bears to birds wrapped in tortillas) and dig deep into what makes a person self-conscious.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Things That Make You Feel Self-Conscious (Episode Theme)

• Introduction & Cold Open
  • The guys riff about dental hygiene, water picks, and the anxiety over “things that make you feel self-conscious.”
  • Andy frames the episode: “Today we are drafting things that make you feel self-conscious.” (02:29)
  • The trio jokes about their staff, giving each a “bird” nickname (falcon, owl, vulture) and debating which is the baldest—or ugliest—bird.
  • Notable line:
    • “A vulture is one of the ugliest birds.” – Andy (04:13)

2. Would You Rather (03:29–34:56)

• Talent vs. Ability vs. Skill

  • The team debates the nuanced differences between “talent,” “ability,” and “skill,” prompted by in-office pickleball battles.
  • They recall a staff member claiming he had “too much talent to place the ball where he wants.”
  • Mike: “Is talent just like the ceiling you’re born with? Some people, like, I was encoded with just a…musical talent.” (07:36)
  • Jason: “If you have the ability, that automatically comes with talent…If I’ve got the ability to dominate on a basketball court, then I will be a talented basketball player.” (09:34)
  • The trio agrees skill ultimately wins out—with Jason using Tiger Woods and Michael Phelps as references.

• Height, Weight, and Vanity

  • “Would you rather be 6’4” and slim but with constant back pain, or 5’0” and a little chubby but feel great?” (12:43)
  • Lively debate ensues about height, the “power dynamics” of being tall, and how being the shortest person in the room impacts confidence.
  • Jason: “There’s gotta be some psychology that comes along with that…Physically, you look down on people.” (15:15)
  • Andy: “Looking up at somebody is a bad feeling.” (16:54)

• Claustrophobia vs. Darkness

  • “Would you rather crawl 100 yards through a tight cave, or spend a night in pitch-black, underground darkness?”
  • Discussion veers into the terrors of cave spiders, bats, and what it means to be truly claustrophobic.
  • Jason: “When I watch someone go into one of these tiny sliver caves…my feet disappear, I can barely breathe.” (23:43)
  • All three end up choosing the darkness.

• Hot Air Balloon vs. Hang Gliding

  • “With no training, would you rather try to pilot a hot air balloon or hang glide off a cliff?” (28:50)
  • Andy: “The essence of a hot air balloon is, it’s the Eeyore of adrenaline!” (28:57)
  • Mike and Jason ultimately choose hang gliding (more personal control), Andy goes for the balloon (less risk).

3. Is This Real Life? (34:56–44:31)

• Introduced as: “Stories in the news lately we can’t quite believe…”

• Florida: Depressed Bear Selfie Epidemic

  • Jason relays the story of police issuing warnings about people taking selfies with a traumatized black bear.
  • Jason: “‘The bear has shown signs of stress—stressed, depressed, lemon zest.’ That was how the bear is feeling!” (37:42)
  • The guys riff on the phrase “lemon zest” and question how anyone knows if a bear is depressed.

• Vermont: Lawmaker’s Five-Month Water Prank

  • Mike covers a Vermont representative who secretly poured water in a rival’s bag for five months—caught by sting operation.
  • Mike: “Level of petty that I am admiring greatly.” (39:31)
  • Jason: “This feels like councilman Jam from Parks & Rec—‘You got jammed!’” (41:09)

• Texas: Owl Saved by a Tortilla

  • Andy shares a feel-good headline: “Texas family saves orphaned baby bird by wrapping it in a tortilla.”
  • The guys crack up imagining a “birdrito” and discuss burrito-blanket products now for sale thanks to this viral story.
  • Mike: “Maybe we need a new one…bird ritos.”

4. Spitballers Draft: Things That Make You Feel Self-Conscious (46:33–END)

Each host chooses their top self-conscious triggers, with comedic stories and debates.

Drafted Picks:

• Mike:

  1. Wearing shirts that are too tight
  2. Calling someone by the wrong name
  3. Accidentally touching hands (or feet) with someone
  4. Parking in public (especially with an audience)

• Jason:

  1. Going to the gym (fear of being watched or judged)
  2. Swimming in public (the “topless” swimsuit dilemma for men)
  3. Being a “Karen” (complaining about food or returning items)
  4. Having bad breath

• Andy:

  1. Dancing in public, especially as a tall guy
  2. Trying to act like a “cool dad” in front of kids' friends
  3. Under- or overdressing for an event
  4. Child’s public meltdown

Other Notable Picks & Stories:

• The anxiety of running into people you’re supposed to know but don’t recognize (Jason)
• Spelling in public and “starting a story that clearly isn’t going to land, but having to finish it” (Andy)
• The challenge of parking spots that are comically small–“I’ll bypass a closer, tight spot to find an easier place to park in.” (67:12, Mike)
• Not getting a joke when everyone else does (Mike)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Differences between Talent, Skill, and Ability

• Mike (07:36): “Is talent…the ceiling you are born with? Some people, like, I was encoded with a musical talent. But then I had to hone it, be taught, and work on it. Then it became a…skill.”
• Jason (09:34): “If you have the ability, that automatically comes with talent…If I’ve got the ability to dominate on a basketball court, then I will be a talented basketball player.”

On Height and Power Dynamics

• Jason (15:15): “There’s gotta be some psychology that comes along with [being taller than others]…Because I will tell you this, on the other side…I feel a little self conscious. I don’t feel self conscious. I feel like a loser.”
• Andy (16:54): “Looking up at somebody is a bad feeling.”

“Is This Real Life?” Segment

• Jason (37:42): “It [the bear] was described as, quote, stressed, depressed, [and] lemon zest. That was how the bear is feeling!”
• Mike (39:31): “A level of petty that I am admiring greatly.” (About the Vermont lawmaker water prank)

Draft Picks - Self-Conscious Stories

• Mike (47:22): “When your shirt is too tight around the midsection, you are uncomfortable the entire day. It’s all I can think about.”
• Jason (48:36): “Going to the gym, I feel very self-conscious…I don’t want to use a machine when other people are, like, say, two machines away.”
• Andy (51:32): “Dancing in public—We all look the same, like weirdo owlbirds. Like birds dancing around with too many limbs.”
• Mike (55:15): “Calling someone the wrong name…like, you could’ve met him the night before.”
• Jason (54:24): “I’m topless. Which is…that’s how you refer to a man without a top on. I go topless at the beach, water parks…I don’t have a shirt—take that! That’s the worst.”
• Andy (63:24): “Not much feels more self-conscious than when your small child is acting up or throwing a giant fit in public.”

Other Classic Moments & Banter

• Jason (71:31): “I don’t want people looking at my Google history…but it’s not because of bad searches. It’s for misspelled words.”
• Andy (70:49): “Starting a story and realizing it’s not going to land, but having to finish it.”
• Mike (69:12): On parking, “I will bypass a closer, tight spot to find an easier place to park in. 100% will do that.”

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Episode theme & intro banter: 01:07–03:16
• Would You Rather segment: 03:29–32:36
• Is This Real Life? segment: 34:56–44:31
• Spitballers Draft—Self-Conscious Triggers: 46:33–end

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Final Thoughts

This episode is packed with hilarious, personal, and deeply relatable moments about the everyday anxieties of adulthood, filtered through the Spitballers’ energetic and self-deprecating humor. Listeners will find themselves nodding along as the trio confess the little things that make everyone feel out of place, judged, or just plain awkward—all while delivering punchlines and memorable stories.

If you’ve ever second-guessed your parking skills, worried about being the “uncool dad,” or lived in fear of a public wardrobe malfunction—this one’s for you.

Transcript

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[Mike]

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[Jason]

Great.

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[Jason]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve. It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Blabba da bla.

[Mike]

Oh no, don't look at my face.

[Andy]

All right, I get it.

[Mike]

All right, check that one off.

[Andy]

Don't look at my face, that is. I'm assuming you're missing a tooth as well.

[Mike]

Me? I would never.

[Andy]

Things that make you feel self conscious.

[Mike]

Haven't you heard my dental care routine? These things ain't going nowhere.

[Andy]

You do nothing.

[Jason]

Well, he goes nowhere. He doesn't go to a dentist. But he destroys his teeth and gums.

[Mike]

No, I destroy bacteria.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You nuke your mouth so that the only thing that can live is gums and teeth.

[Andy]

Yeah. This is referring to your usage of the water pick at the highest level. Yeah. And annihilating.

[Jason]

I mean, I can't get that thing past a three. I can't, man.

[Mike]

I'm trying to find an engineer who will take off the restrictor plates so I can crank this thing up to.

[Jason]

11, hook it up to a gas powered. Have to pull the.

[Andy]

Now, Jason, here's a question. Does that. The fact that you've heard Mike's levels on the water pick and you're a three, does that make you feel insecure?

[Mike]

It's also inferior. Jeremy's level 10 as well.

[Jason]

I don't get insecure.

[Andy]

How about self conscious?

[Jason]

Oh, self conscious.

[Andy]

A little bit, yeah. Because today we are drafting things that make you feel self conscious. I just thought I'd bring that up. Yeah, I'll bring up lots of things that might make you feel self conscious.

[Jason]

I Wonder what your 101 is going to be, Andy.

[Andy]

Me too.

[Mike]

Me too.

[Andy]

Would you rather. And is this real life on today's show? Happy to have you with us. Al Borland in the building wearing a matching hat. Do we run the Doosers camps over here? Yeah. Yes, sir.

[Mike]

It's a full Deucers Alley today. I don't know the last time that's happened for Spitball.

[Andy]

Oh, look at that.

[Jason]

Got a falcon, an owl, and a bald guy.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Trying to figure out who's who.

[Andy]

Falcon like he just started smirking the second I threw the camera up.

[Jason]

That's all he does, man.

[Andy]

He's the other. A minute ago, I walked out into the front room of this office.

[Mike]

What was he doing?

[Andy]

Smirking.

[Jason]

I was gonna say in order to.

[Andy]

And then he had the gall to tell me that I smirked first. You did start it. No, I don't start the smirk, man. I smirk because of your smirk.

[Mike]

What's going on in that brain?

[Andy]

You are the first smirk of every room.

[Jason]

I. I think he sees the world in cartoon.

[Mike]

Does he just walk around like, la.

[Jason]

La la la la da da da da.

[Andy]

He's living life.

[Mike]

And then you're like, hey, Matt. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry. I was just singing the Smurfs again.

[Andy]

So we have two birds and a bald guy in Deucers Alley, I guess. What's the baldest bird?

[Jason]

Bald eagle, man. What are you talking about? What's the baldest bird? I mean, I guess you could go.

[Mike]

You would have to go.

[Andy]

I was thinking aesthetics, not the name.

[Mike]

Vulture, but there is a B, which woof.

[Jason]

Yeah. I mean, a vulture might be like more akin to Papa John.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

A vulture is one of the ugliest birds.

[Jason]

Yeah. It's disgusting and it makes me feel. You want to.

[Andy]

It's like the bird that doesn't bathe.

[Jason]

It doesn't make me feel self conscious, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. Sure. Vulture. Oh, yeah. Oh, very much so.

[Andy]

And it doesn't have any control of being made that way. It just lost the creation lottery.

[Mike]

Well, no, it's actually that's beneficial. It's because being ugly. No, because they don't have the stuff on their head because they eat dead carcass. So I thought it was a disease prevention.

[Andy]

So you're saying that Josh's looks may have some peripheral benefit as well?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

He won't get covered in disease when he's bottom feeding.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Andy]

I mean, feel free to weigh in there, Josh.

[Mike]

He doesn't get sick according to Him?

[Jason]

No, it's the secret.

[Andy]

He's just like a vulture.

[Jason]

The vulture, the falcon, and the owl.

[Andy]

Oh, boy.

[Mike]

What is this show? I do not condone this, by the way.

[Andy]

Yeah. I was going to say we will not have. No one will hear this show because none of those three guys are going to edit it after we're done. Let's kick it off with some. Would you rather.

[Jason]

Would you rather.

[Andy]

All right, Josh from X says, would you rather be overflowing with talent, ability, or skill?

[Mike]

Okay, so I was out of the office.

[Andy]

This is a plant. I'm just going to admit this question is a plant because of a conversation that shouldn't be a conversation.

[Mike]

This is like a what's the difference? Question. But here it is.

[Andy]

So what happened yesterday was that here in the office, we play pickleball. And when I say we, I mean the three of us and Al.

[Jason]

Yeah. And when you say play, I want it clear. We dominate.

[Andy]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jason]

We're very so good at talented players.

[Andy]

And then yesterday, you know, then we have the noob crew, and that's like the Vulture and the Falcon, and they play pickleball, and they're learning and they're getting better. Solid three O's. But that's.

[Mike]

That's a devastating pickleball joke for the.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

If you got the 30 joke, you're.

[Andy]

One of us now. Mike, you were not here.

[Mike]

No.

[Andy]

This is an opportunity for a fresh, clean slate.

[Mike]

Can't wait.

[Andy]

And, Al, you can jump in if I misrepresent any of what transpired. But we got. I was saying, how did it go on Saturday? They played this. They play on Saturday. The noob crew, as they call themselves, and they get guys together and they're playing pickleball, and they've been playing a lot. And Papa Josh's phrase, and that's why this question is a plant, was that he has so much talent at pickleball, he just can't place it where he wants to place it.

[Jason]

Yeah. I believe the direct quote was something just like this.

[Andy]

I.

[Jason]

The. That was. Matt and I have the same problem, that our talent is just so much better than our ability to place the ball where we want.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

And we were trying to work through.

[Jason]

That, and we're like, wait, wait, wait. Your talent is much better than your ability to do it. Making no sense.

[Andy]

Yeah. What was your reaction to that? Because.

[Mike]

So I don't want to muddy the. Well, I mean, I can see the conversation of, like, what exactly is. What is talent? Is talent. You just. Is it like the Ceiling that you are born with. Just like your DNA. Some people, like, I was encoded with just a. I have a musical talent. Yep. It was just easier. But I have. Then I had to hone it and be taught things and work on it. And then it became, you know, a craft or I guess in this, an ability.

[Andy]

Yeah. Did you have to develop an ability to harness your talent?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

So you had to learn how to play a guitar?

[Mike]

Yeah. You have to learn the finger depths of the guitar.

[Andy]

So would you have said you were a talented guitarist before you could play the guitar?

[Jason]

Right.

[Mike]

See, that's where it's hard. It's not hard.

[Andy]

How could you be a talent, a talented guitarist, if you've never played the guitar?

[Jason]

You can't play the guitar. You cannot say, I'm really talented at the guitar.

[Mike]

Okay. You know, man. Yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

I'm on that side.

[Jason]

You could say, like, I've got a proclivity to music. You know, I've got talented, I've got talent.

[Andy]

I've got a good ear.

[Jason]

I've got talent at music. You know what I mean? And maybe, maybe what Papa Josh should have said is, like, you know, I'm athletically talented. I just don't have the ability at pickleball.

[Mike]

But you say the phrase is I have athletic ability. It's not. I don't say I have athletic talent.

[Andy]

Which would be accurate. Now, this was a fun debate we had all day yesterday. Now, this question specifically, which would you rather be overflowing with? I mean, I feel like I've got plenty of wasted talent. Does that make sense?

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

I kind of use an example. Like, I feel like I have some natural talent I was bringing up like 20 years ago in basketball, but I didn't want to put in the work to make the talent into anything.

[Mike]

Right.

[Andy]

So I didn't have the discipline to fulfill my potential.

[Jason]

If you have the ability, that automatically comes with talent. Right.

[Andy]

That's how I feel.

[Jason]

If I've got the ability to dominate on a basketball court, then I will be a talented basketball player.

[Andy]

Yeah, I agree.

[Jason]

But now, so where's ability versus skill in this question?

[Andy]

The same. How could you be over? Okay, so you're overflowing with ability or you're overflowing with skill. Those are the same thing to me.

[Mike]

Because, like, just bring it back to the conversation of Josh saying he has the talent but he can't get the ball where he wants it to go. Now, to me, that's. That's skill. That is a skill based issue. If you.

[Andy]

So that's not ability, though.

[Mike]

To me, that's not an.

[Andy]

That's not ability is ability. Just the ability to like, move your arms.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Ability.

[Andy]

Pickleball might be like. Because you're not, like, you're not missing an arm.

[Jason]

You have the ability. I have the ability to hit every shot. I just don't.

[Andy]

Now you don't have the ability to dunk a basketball. Right, Right.

[Jason]

Correct.

[Andy]

Or the skill. Do you have the skill to dunk a basketball? I think so.

[Jason]

I think I do have the skill to dunk a basketball. I just don't have the ability.

[Andy]

Do you have the talent to dunk a basketball?

[Jason]

No, sir.

[Mike]

No.

[Andy]

So you're one third.

[Jason]

How many trampolines do I have that's.

[Mike]

Gonna get this man on a trampoline? And he'll have the ability because he has the skill.

[Jason]

Okay, so we actually did break down the difference between ability and skill. And I think I'd rather have the skill at than the ability.

[Mike]

Eventually, skill wins out. Like there's certain games or competition where just a raw talent and ability can beat out somebody with skill.

[Andy]

Which does Tiger woods have the most.

[Mike]

Of that is in his heyday.

[Jason]

You're saying, yeah, Tigers. That's a real old reference right now. To be like, let me just bring up the best.

[Andy]

It's funny because I feel like Tiger woods is this example of a solo. Like he comes up because golf is by yourself. Right. And he was the best for so long at one thing. By yourself.

[Jason]

Who would.

[Andy]

So does he have more talent, ability or skill?

[Jason]

Man, oh, man.

[Mike]

Because the ability would be like, how far can you. How far can you drive? That's. I'm going to put that into ability. But skill is like the. Can you hit the drive straight? Can you. All your putting. All of your. I'm going to go. I'll go skill.

[Jason]

I think I go skill.

[Mike]

I'll go skill is the.

[Andy]

That's walking me into Josh being right.

[Jason]

But. Well, and I don't want that. He's a. He's a vulture. But I will say if you take the example of Michael Phelps, who was a one solo sport, you know, the famous swimmer gold medal, whatever that feels like. It's ability. That because his dominant was a physical ability, he had like, you know, 17 foot feet.

[Andy]

So. But that. That makes me think that, like, maybe Josh was right a little bit because.

[Mike]

But he said ability and he should just.

[Andy]

No, he said he had said talent. No, no, he said he has tons.

[Jason]

Of talent, but not the ability to put it there.

[Andy]

Oh, it should have been skill.

[Jason]

Have the ability.

[Andy]

He doesn't have the skill to put it there.

[Jason]

He doesn't have the skill.

[Andy]

Oh, we did it.

[Mike]

Yeah. So he was wrong.

[Jason]

And you're still wrong, you vulture.

[Andy]

Matt from Patreon, would you rather be six four and slim but constantly have a persistent backache? What is this? Or be five foot?

[Mike]

This is a vanity question.

[Andy]

And a little chubby, but feel great.

[Jason]

And I know my answer, and it's.

[Mike]

We all know our answer.

[Jason]

Are we all the same?

[Mike]

I'm 6 4, man.

[Jason]

Yeah, I'm 6 4. I'm 64 and a little slim. I look great. I got it back from. I'm not in the best.

[Mike]

I got back pain right now.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's fine. But look at me. Look at how great this is. I mean, I would. I mean, it's not even a close question.

[Mike]

No, it's not.

[Jason]

It wouldn't take.

[Andy]

I mean, five foot is the biggest problem there.

[Mike]

Jay, you're five five. How tall are you?

[Jason]

I'm five' eleven.

[Mike]

Five' eleven. Okay, five' eleven. Little chubby, feel great or six' four? Six' four.

[Andy]

Yes, yes. Six four. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Six four slim and a backache. Six four slim or. Sorry, six four chubby and you feel great.

[Mike]

That one. I'm going chubby.

[Andy]

I think I'd go chubby, too.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

A little chubby at six. Yeah.

[Mike]

Where is the height difference?

[Jason]

Yeah, I know.

[Mike]

Is it just like. If you're at. Okay, I'm six feet, that's fine.

[Andy]

Yeah. Is that the.

[Jason]

No. I'm going to be at least six.

[Andy]

He had the talent to get to six feet. He didn't have the ability.

[Jason]

Six two to six four. That range.

[Mike]

So you're saying if it's. If the official offer from the wizard is six one, you're a little chubby, but you feel great. Or six four slim.

[Andy]

You have a backache.

[Jason]

I got a backache. Yeah. I always. So I literally think sometimes this isn't a common thought, but it is not. And it is not something that has never been really, really, really thought through by me. There's been multiple times where I actually stop and think what it must feel like, what it must. What the psychological reality would be like for people who are taller than everyone around them. You know, for the most part, that might even be you two. You guys are both six two or taller, and, you know, it's like you physically look down on people.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

You are physically superior. Yes, Yes. I mean, that's how it feels But I'm like, there's got to be some psychology that comes along with that. That's like, makes you feel good. Because I will tell you this on the other side. You guys aren't used to this. You're not hanging around NBA teams. But, like, I'll be in a group where it's just a bunch of alphas and it's like everyone is six two to six four. There's five or six guys. And I'm standing there and I'm going to tell you self conscious. I feel a little self conscious. I don't feel self conscious. I feel like a loser.

[Mike]

The good news is, Jay, when you.

[Andy]

Stand on your dippy toes.

[Jason]

Oh, you know it.

[Mike]

When I came back. While that's going on, you don't have to feel bad because we don't notice.

[Jason]

Yeah, you don't see me.

[Mike]

We see right over.

[Jason]

Yeah, I know, I know. I just hide in plain sight.

[Andy]

I have to say this because you're right, Because here's why you're right. It's not because. It's because I'm so used to being taller than everybody I'm around. Or equal. Tall or equal.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

I'm six three. So I'm either equal or taller than everybody I'm around.

[Mike]

What is the average height? I'm going to look it up.

[Andy]

It's not.

[Jason]

I think I'm technically tall.

[Andy]

It's like 510 for me.

[Mike]

Average height. This is very, well, health, which is the first response.

[Jason]

Clearly. That sounds great.

[Mike]

Average height of an American man is five nine.

[Jason]

Okay, so it's the size of an owl.

[Andy]

The reason I'm bringing it up is because I don't go around walking around thinking like I'm superior. I'm just always taller.

[Jason]

I just am superior.

[Andy]

No, no, no. I just am always taller.

[Mike]

I don't have to think it if I am.

[Andy]

But listen, this is the whole point of what I'm saying. If I do end up in a situation like we'll go to a conference and there'll be one guy or two guys that's taller than me, it changes every.

[Mike]

Yeah, the power dynamic.

[Andy]

The power dynamic completely changes. So it does exist. I'm naive to it. When I am taller than everybody else.

[Jason]

You don't realize that you already are winning.

[Andy]

I mean, looking up at somebody is a bad feeling.

[Jason]

It sucks, man. It sucks when you're around people that are all taller than you. And it's.

[Andy]

What is the power structure of this room right now?

[Jason]

Right now? I think all three of us are clearly superior to the producers. Like, genuinely.

[Mike]

Because we're physically taller.

[Jason]

Physically taller. And then all the other stuff.

[Andy]

But what's the order of the producers in, like, you know.

[Jason]

Oh, that is in power.

[Andy]

I'm 5, 9, 5 10. I'm at the bottom. Yeah.

[Mike]

It's not even worth saying, guys. It's too shameful now. I mean, this thing I had nothing to do with.

[Andy]

I was gonna say, like, Falcon, like, you. You have no control over it. You're speaking from the opposite position of us. Like, is this ringing true to you? Yeah. Okay.

[Mike]

I mean, look, I'm just. At least when the draft is coming up, things, I'm not self conscious about being short.

[Andy]

Yeah. I don't know what that's like, six two, little chubby. Is that the line?

[Jason]

Six two, a little chubby.

[Mike]

I'll take that.

[Jason]

If I feel good.

[Andy]

Get rid of the back eight.

[Jason]

A little chubby, back eight.

[Andy]

Now, would it inversely work, like, if I told you six two, a little chubby. No back eight. But you could be six eight.

[Jason]

No, because six' four.

[Andy]

You look at that as like you're.

[Jason]

Not a freak outside of. Outside of playing, I think outside of playing basketball.

[Mike]

See, but. No, but that's what tall guys have to do. You're like, I'm tall. And you're like, well, six. Well, that person. That's a freak. That is a freak of nature.

[Jason]

That's weird.

[Mike]

You're too tall.

[Jason]

You want to be like, my height. Yep, yep.

[Mike]

You see, I'm tall. I'm the perfect height.

[Jason]

I stopped. I stopped at an appropriate height.

[Mike]

Like 6, 8 is. I mean, now you like. No, no, no, I'm talking. He's a freak. No, I'm talking about the difficulties of just life.

[Andy]

Life is not. It does affect you.

[Mike]

Dude. I went and I mean, I get like. I don't think of myself as tall. I'm just like, I'm six foot, but I guess that's a little bit over average. I did over the weekend.

[Andy]

So you're taller than that?

[Mike]

I'm almost 6:1, but I'm 1 of the guys who I'm like, I don't round up.

[Andy]

I think I'm. I got a 64 at the doctor's office for the first time in my life.

[Jason]

You're growing.

[Andy]

You're growing, Boy, I'm going up.

[Mike]

You just got good posture.

[Andy]

I think I'm second puberty.

[Jason]

And Mike, you are six one because you.

[Andy]

You have to be.

[Jason]

You have made me feel like I am lying when I say I'm 5 11. And then I have. I have measured myself barefoot. I'm 5 11, like on. On the dot. And there's no way you're not two inches taller than me.

[Mike]

I'll take it. But I just. I went. I was out of town, had to get in an Uber. And I don't remember what kind of car it was, but just for the example, say, essentially like a geometro type of car where. Oh, this is when this is a problem. When I sit in the back, if I'm actually sitting upright, my head is hitting the roof of the car and I'm six foot to six one. Like if you're six, eight.

[Andy]

Yeah. You're not getting in there.

[Mike]

That's a different kind of life, man.

[Andy]

All right, well, we sorted that out. Really a lot to unpack later on. Rob from the website. Would you rather have to crawl 100 yards through an extremely narrow cave you can barely squeeze through, or spend the night in a large, natural underground cavern so dark that you cannot see the hand in front of your face?

[Jason]

One, 100%. The second one, 100%.

[Mike]

That's a long time to pitch darkness, man.

[Jason]

But I think, don't people pay for that? Like, to go on, like, a darkness retreat?

[Mike]

Yeah. And what do you think?

[Andy]

But not in a cave, man. What do you think of the freaks?

[Jason]

I think those people are probably six, eight, Mike. Because they're freaks.

[Andy]

No. I have a very important question to help me decide. Am I guaranteed to get through the hundred yards?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

Then no problem.

[Jason]

This is not a death symptom.

[Andy]

Then I'm doing that because if I know the problem with the narrow passageway and the claustrophobia is not will I make it through. It is, am I going to get stuck?

[Jason]

Let me rephrase. You are going to get through. You won't die there. But you do not know that. You can't go in knowing the future.

[Andy]

That's asking.

[Jason]

There's got to be the element of.

[Andy]

I have to get through this.

[Jason]

Not like, oh, I already know I get through this.

[Mike]

I mean, you can get hurt.

[Andy]

It says you have to crawl 100 yards so you can. I mean, you're forgetting this underground cavern, Jason, filled with potential unviewable spiders.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, they're there.

[Jason]

Bats creatures. Bats are there. Bears are there. There's no spiders.

[Andy]

Spiders.

[Jason]

Are there no spiders.

[Andy]

You don't get to take them out.

[Jason]

There ain't no spiders in my cave.

[Andy]

Because you can't see them.

[Jason]

I can't see them.

[Andy]

They're not there when they crawl on you.

[Jason]

They will because you know where I will see them? In my little tiny crawl space. Guess how close it's gonna be right next to me. Cause I got no room to breathe.

[Andy]

There's probably not a lot of spiders in caves, are there?

[Jason]

There's spiders everywhere.

[Andy]

If I was a spider, though, I would chill in a cave.

[Mike]

Really?

[Andy]

Yeah, I'd love that.

[Mike]

What's the amount of. Yeah, what are the amount of insects? Oh, that's true.

[Andy]

There's probably not. Because you gotta eat something.

[Mike]

Their food source is not bound.

[Andy]

You would just be in there being the food for the bats. That's not good. There might not be a lot of spiders.

[Mike]

Bats are super chill, man.

[Jason]

Yeah. It's funny because I think mo. I think most people would. If the question was just, would you rather be in a cave that has a lot of spiders or be in a cave that has a lot of bats? I think most people would say, give me the spiders.

[Mike]

I mean, really, you think that people are that scared of bats now?

[Andy]

Breaking news. There's a thousand species of cave spiders. So that makes sense because I've heard cave spider before.

[Mike]

I have heard that.

[Jason]

Shut up.

[Mike]

And if you're. I mean, saying cave spider, stupid, mouth up. They have to be larger, right?

[Andy]

No, cave spiders are larger.

[Mike]

No way.

[Jason]

They're tiny. They're microscopic.

[Andy]

All over the world other than Antarctica. So if you want to go, oh.

[Jason]

That sounds like my kind of cave.

[Andy]

It's your kind of cave.

[Jason]

Cold and no spiders. But sign me up. No spiders in your crawl.

[Andy]

Crawl space, guaranteed.

[Mike]

Oh, there we go. There, That's. That's what we needed, you jerk.

[Jason]

I.

[Andy]

That might be a place where the short people do better.

[Jason]

Yeah, but not the fat people. Okay. And this is really the actual issue, I think, you know, I'm not going to know if I'm going to get stuck in there, but I know I will get stuck before. My friend.

[Andy]

You can put as much Vaseline on.

[Mike]

Before you go down the.

[Jason]

I don't think I'd want.

[Mike]

That's not very long. That will not help you.

[Jason]

100 yards. So that's a. That's a whole football field.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

When I watch someone go into one of these type of little sliver caves on a video on YouTube and they just get their feet to disappear.

[Andy]

Oh, no.

[Jason]

I can barely breathe.

[Andy]

Right? No, I. That freaks me out. But it's the. It's the fear of getting stuck. And if you say that that's staying there. I'll probably stay in the cavern.

[Jason]

I think I'm taking the. I think this is the first question I've ever answered when I'm choosing spiders. I really think I would rather have the freedom of space. And, you know, I can't see them, obviously. I can't feel them.

[Andy]

Like, do you sleep on the ground?

[Jason]

Then where else would you sleep? I'm gonna sleep in the air.

[Andy]

Very fair. The way I put that, I meant did you. I guess I was thinking, would you. Would you sleep?

[Jason]

Yeah, I think. No, I think over 24 hours. I could stay up for 24 hours.

[Mike]

It might be a great sleep. Pitch black. Cold, dude.

[Jason]

And you're deleting hours, right? I mean, if you sleep for 10 now you're only in that.

[Andy]

How long does it take if you hear a sound? One sound in that cave and. Pitch black. That's going to be tough.

[Mike]

It will, but.

[Andy]

Hello?

[Jason]

Who is that?

[Mike]

How. Okay, so this crawl. This crawl space, I mean, I imagine you're like. It's like your toes are the only thing kind of able to push you through.

[Jason]

Toes and fingies.

[Mike]

Yeah. How long does that even take?

[Andy]

100 yards. 100 yards?

[Mike]

Crawling like that while scratching against walls. How long does that take me or Jason? I mean, it's hours. Hours.

[Jason]

Hours. Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

That's gonna take you hours.

[Andy]

And I mean, there's so many things that. Hyperventilating because you're afraid of the air and all that. Like the claustrophobia of it. I think I'm gonna turn that down.

[Jason]

I think I am somewhat claustrophobic. Like, I don't have a fear of it that I ever think of because I. But I think that's just because I don't think of being in an enclosed space.

[Mike]

But it's like if I was. An elevator doesn't trigger.

[Jason]

No, not at all. Not the slightest.

[Andy]

Phone booth.

[Jason]

No, not at all. They're.

[Andy]

Casket.

[Jason]

Yeah. I would freak out. I would freak out. If it's in.

[Mike]

Really?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

If it's in clothes like that.

[Jason]

Like, honestly. What about a phone booth that is like blacked out?

[Andy]

What about a blacked out water slide?

[Jason]

Oh, those actually do.

[Andy]

There you go.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You got a little bit.

[Jason]

A little bit of the.

[Andy]

Little of the cloth. Yeah. Damon from Patreon with no prior experience or. Mike, you never answered that last question.

[Jason]

Oh, I'm going.

[Mike]

The cave.

[Andy]

Okay. We're all in the cave.

[Mike]

Those. The people that go in the. It's a.

[Andy]

It's a weird.

[Mike]

In the crawl space is. That's a different level of fear for.

[Andy]

Let me. Let me. Let me do a little. I have a brain Idea here. Little pivot question for that last one. If you had to climb a thousand feet down on a ladder in a tube or a thousand up in a tube and come back, which would you rather do?

[Mike]

Oh, that's okay.

[Andy]

Do you know what I'm saying?

[Jason]

I don't understand what you're saying because I feel like down a tube is called the slide.

[Andy]

No, no, no, not a tube, sorry.

[Mike]

You're forced to climb a ladder down.

[Jason]

You're on a ladder inside a tube.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. I just meant it's enclosed.

[Mike]

So there is the feeling of a.

[Andy]

Straight down drilling tube is what I meant. Like, so you got a ladder down 1,000ft. Feet, or you go up one of those a thousand feet and you have to return to. You have to go down all the way. Touch the bottom or touch the top and then come back.

[Jason]

Well, then you're doing both. Irrelevant.

[Mike]

So if you.

[Andy]

One of them is, which one will.

[Jason]

You want to do first?

[Andy]

No, it's not irrelevant.

[Jason]

It's irrelevant.

[Andy]

It is not.

[Jason]

One is you're doing up and you're doing down. Both.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, you are. I guess I was thinking one was fear of heights and one was fear of being buried, but they're the same. Because if you're at the top of.

[Jason]

The thousand feet, he's just.

[Mike]

There he is.

[Jason]

He's just. Alter the show, doc. He's jaw man, works through.

[Mike]

I think the question.

[Andy]

Did you understand what I was getting at?

[Mike]

The question of.

[Andy]

All right, just climbing down.

[Mike]

Just going up or climbing down. I think is. That's a. It doesn't even have to be in a tube.

[Andy]

I feel like I'd rather climb up.

[Jason]

I feel that, too. I think I'm not looking down.

[Andy]

But you got to look.

[Jason]

Yeah, but I feel like climbing up. I'm not going to slip. For some reason, I feel like going down. I have a. A bigger potential to like, have my foot slip when I'm reaching.

[Andy]

The Falcon makes a good point. If you're going down, every step you get more relief. If you're going up, every step is less.

[Mike]

It's more anxiety for.

[Andy]

Yeah, because you're going higher.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

But every step down, you feel like you're one step closer to being done.

[Jason]

Yeah, but I mean, you could argue. Well, then to get started, you feel so high. Same thing. You're going to be at the same height either.

[Andy]

Never should have asked. All right, Damon from Patreon, with no prior experience. No prior experience or instruction at all. Would you rather have to try and pilot a hot air balloon? Or hang glide off a cliff.

[Jason]

Wow.

[Andy]

That's not even close to me.

[Jason]

Really not even close. I'm trying to think through.

[Andy]

Are you kidding me?

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

A hot air balloon. The essence of a hot air balloon is it's the Eeyore of adrenaline. It is so slow, like you are. It's just hot air. And the less hot it gets, the slower you go down. Like, everything's about the other one. I'm leaping off a cliff with what I imagine is oversized origami that could go at any direction and just send me down to the ground, I would say.

[Mike]

But there is a part of like hang gliding, I think the starting is like, I'll be able to figure that out because you just go as fast as you can down the hill and eventually physics will take over and you'll start gliding.

[Andy]

You're not going off a cliff.

[Mike]

I guess I can go off a cliff. I've seen the people go where it's not just a drop off, but it's like a hill.

[Jason]

Yeah, that would be nicer running off a hill.

[Mike]

Yeah. And then when it comes to landing, I have far more control. Like, I'll figure out how to steer and I just, I have to find a very empty area for the landing. But where the hot air balloon is like, I think I'm going to land over there. But now all of a sudden my. My balloon is getting pushed to like houses or power lines.

[Andy]

Now the power lines concerning. Not sure that, like, if you're hang gliding, how do you know you're not going down in power lines? You could just.

[Mike]

How do you. You have better control.

[Andy]

Yeah, but, but what about your loft, your lift? Like when you start hang gliding, when do you start going down?

[Mike]

I think immediately, right off the bat, gravity works. Like, you're not, you're not getting lift. You're just, you're just floating. You're slowly, you're slowly falling.

[Jason]

You're a paper.

[Mike]

I think you're gliding down.

[Andy]

It's the launch that scares me there. And you're saying that the landing scares you on the other one.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Also, if you look at the height.

[Andy]

It'S almost like gliding.

[Jason]

If you're not hang gliding at the height that you're going in a hot air balloon.

[Andy]

How dumb am I today?

[Mike]

Don't worry about it. You're doing great.

[Andy]

Pretty like five out of ten. Six out of ten.

[Mike]

You're six three, bro.

[Andy]

Yeah. Nothing matters.

[Mike]

Cheers. Yeah, it's a real six three question.

[Andy]

When you have a bad day, Mike, do you put your head on the pillow at the end of the day and you're just like, I'm going to wake up tomorrow. I'm still going to be tall.

[Mike]

I do like my feet kind of hang off the mattress and I'm like, there's only one reason this is happening.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

You ever had that happen? Your feet kind of hang up? Yeah. Just get a smaller mattress.

[Jason]

Get a son's bed and he gets.

[Andy]

A kid's bed to feel huge. All right, what's your final answer on that one?

[Jason]

Oh, man, that is. I think I'm going to go hang gliding. I think, I think I would. I think in the end.

[Andy]

That's interesting.

[Jason]

I think in the end I would succeed. I think I would be able to do it in the hot air balloon. I'm guessing there's a whole lot more practice to when to let the hot air out and how.

[Mike]

That's my concern.

[Andy]

It's funny, I was about to say, I think that they don't know what they're doing at all.

[Mike]

The truth is they may not know.

[Andy]

They'Re pulling a trigger when they want the hot air. And then the rest of it is.

[Mike]

Just like when it's hang gliding. As soon as I'm in the air, I will just be immediately, where, where am I landing with the hot air balloon? It's. Well, I got to go up for a little bit here and then it's okay. Now, now what's going on?

[Jason]

I would imagine in the rules here, you got to go to normal hot air balloon height.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

It's not like, oh, here we go. Oh, I got three feet.

[Andy]

So you guys are both hang gliding. Yeah, I'm taking the hot air and I'm taking a break. And we'll be back with some more spit ball.

[Mike]

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[Jason]

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[Andy]

All right. We have found some stories in the news lately, and this is the opportunity for us to share them with one another. Some things that are, well, they are somehow real life and we can't believe it. So would one of you guys like to begin this segment?

[Jason]

I can kick it off. I can kick it off. My story is not elaborate or long or detailed. It's just unnecessary.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

The headline is Florida police tell people to stop taking selfies with depressed black bear. So what? The Florida police had to.

[Mike]

There was a sad bear.

[Jason]

Yeah. There was a sad bear.

[Mike]

Oh, no.

[Jason]

Who was on the side of a road and apparently became a social media thing to go take selfies.

[Andy]

People taking selfies.

[Jason]

Black bear.

[Mike]

It's still a bear.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. Well, black bear is so human. This is so social media.

[Mike]

Pretty Florida, guys.

[Jason]

Yeah. I mean. I mean, in Arizona we've got a place. We go up north. That's nice. And I believe it was about a year ago that there was a black bear ate a dude.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So.

[Andy]

Yeah. Cause it's a good. Not depressed after that either.

[Jason]

Nice PSA here for all listening. Black bears can eat you.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And if they do, you're dead. Okay.

[Mike]

You're not one of side effects of being Eaten alive is death.

[Jason]

Correct. A lot of people hear, oh, I mean, alive. They think they live. No, that's not.

[Andy]

They say, no Jonah situation.

[Jason]

But they're. Yes. So there was some interesting quotes. So apparently this bear was depressed, and so they put out this statement trying to tell people to. To stop taking selfies with a bear. First of all, if a bear is moody, stay away. Yeah, but there was a couple.

[Andy]

He'll just gum you.

[Jason]

There was a couple things that.

[Andy]

So depressed.

[Jason]

Oh, he's depressed because he doesn't have teeth. Lost his teeth.

[Andy]

No, he's just. He just does not put up the effort.

[Jason]

You can't gum someone when you've got bear teeth. There's just. What is Andy.

[Mike]

Oh, man. Andy's on a touch.

[Jason]

He's out of here. He quit the show.

[Mike]

That's a 6, 5 comment, man. You're not tall enough for that one.

[Jason]

Well, he's depressed, so he's just gonna gum you. Oh, I didn't know I wasn't gumming you. Why is there all this blood? Cause you got bear teeth. My goodness. Here was one of my favorite parts in reading this article when they put out this. I don't know if it was a press release or whatever it was, but it said, we're trying to stop people from taking selfies with the berries. Clearly not in the mood for pictures.

[Mike]

When is a bear in the moon?

[Jason]

The bear has shown signs of stress. This is my favorite part. It described. You won't believe this. It described the large male bear as, quote, stressed, depressed. Lemon zest.

[Mike]

Lemon zest. What? Wait, what? That was a quote from the police.

[Jason]

Yes. Stressed. Depressed. Lemon zest. That was how the bear is feeling. What's happening in Florida?

[Andy]

Yeah, that's.

[Jason]

Is that a phrase? I just am not familiar with it rhymes, you know, I'm feeling a little stressed. Depressed. Lemon zest. But lemon zest sounds like you're not depressed. No, not at all. I got a. Like a good zesty. I'm.

[Andy]

You know, that's a. I mean, apparently they sell stickers with that on it.

[Jason]

Oh, is this so maybe it is a phrase. Maybe the police is like, they're just.

[Andy]

What is it the opposite of easy peasy, lemon squeezy?

[Jason]

I guess so. I guess so. Depressed, stressed and lemon zest. But yeah. So just psa.

[Andy]

How do they know?

[Jason]

Mess with bears, man.

[Andy]

How do they know that. That bears depressed.

[Jason]

I see some of the pictures. It legitimately looks like a very depressed bear.

[Mike]

Maybe that's just his face.

[Andy]

Is it just sitting there?

[Jason]

It's just sitting by a tree on the side of the road. I do that with people depressed.

[Andy]

Yeah. If I see a person out there, if they're depressed. If they're depressed, I go get a quick selfie with him for sure.

[Jason]

For the social.

[Andy]

Mike, go ahead.

[Mike]

All right, Mine. I'll go. So the headline is, Vermont lawmaker apologizes for Repeatedly pouring water into her colleague's back.

[Andy]

What?

[Mike]

So we are. We're not getting political here, but we just. We know. Look, in politics, two sides, they may not get along. And this is a level of petty that.

[Jason]

Is this on different sides?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Oh, yes.

[Mike]

Good. It is a level of petty that I am admiring greatly. And, guys, it went on for five months.

[Jason]

Oh, my goodness gracious. You're telling. Oh, my gosh.

[Mike]

So there's a representative who, for over the course of five months, is constantly finding water in their bag.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh. And another elected representative had been for five months pouring water in their bag.

[Mike]

It took them five months, but they finally set up a sting operation, set the camera up.

[Jason]

They.

[Mike]

The representative felt they knew who it was.

[Jason]

Oh, my God.

[Mike]

I mean, there can't be too many options. But, yeah, they. They caught the culprit on camera, and then they were forced to apologize.

[Andy]

Forced to apologize.

[Mike]

Yeah, but I'm trying to.

[Jason]

I'm sure that was real sincere.

[Mike]

The part that I love is just, like, when they're explaining how terrible. It's like, for five months, I went through this, and then they added. They. Like, she had a choice every time she did it to pour. Like, that's a way to think about. They had a choice every time to pour water into your bag over five months. But, I mean, for one, how do you keep. That's quite a bit.

[Andy]

That's quite a bit of water.

[Mike]

I'm saying, like, the being so locked into. I'm gonna keep this bit going if I'm going to pour water into someone's bag. And this is going on. And these are elected government officials.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh. This is great. This is literally feels like Councilman Jam, you know, from Parks and Rec. Like, you got jammed. You got jammed. That is awesome. That is so cool.

[Andy]

There are levels of petty and things you can do that are just not. They don't rise to the place of illegal.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

She's forced to apologize. Like, she got the better into the deal.

[Jason]

I'm not gonna lie to you. I think it's awesome. I'm sitting here thinking, who's got bags around our office? That I could just start a little Just a little bit of what? So little that you're not sure. Was it just. Was it a real humid day? Why is all my stuff a little wet?

[Mike]

But wow, I didn't. I want to try and find the apology, because that has to be something special. Apologize for over the past five months.

[Jason]

I hope it was a forced press conference. Like, you have to apologize in person. No written. No written. You know, little chat. GPT created apology.

[Andy]

You have to go up and apologize.

[Jason]

Specifically.

[Andy]

My story is just. There's a lot of bad stories out there, and this one is just the opposite. It's just pretty much. Go Google the picture.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

The headline says Texas family, so we already know how Florida people treat their animals, right?

[Mike]

Yeah. Get selfies.

[Andy]

Texas family saves orphaned baby bird. It was a baby owl.

[Jason]

Although baby owls are terrifying looking by.

[Andy]

Wrapping it in a tortilla.

[Jason]

Oh, deed loose.

[Andy]

I mean, Texas. There you go. They found a Mississippi kite owl.

[Mike]

You need a tiny blanket.

[Andy]

Was worried that it was getting cold, and so they swaddled it in a warm.

[Jason]

Warmed the tortilla.

[Andy]

To them, it was a warm tortilla, and it is all they had, according to Katie, who saved the owl. And this became quite a popular, heartwarming story. And I don't know why. You only had a warm tortilla.

[Jason]

Yeah, if you only have a tortilla, it's not warm. There's like, oh, I got a tortilla in the back of the car. Otherwise, how did you warm this tortilla?

[Andy]

So apparently now it's quite the viral sensation. They're selling T shirts with the words, tortillas save lives in this Texas town. And they say, quote, never. And I mean, never underestimate the power of a tortilla. But you'll want to look at the picture of this little, teeny, adorable baby barn owl wrapped up in a warm, swaddling tortilla.

[Mike]

I'm pretty sure they sell burrito blankets. Like, you can buy bird ritos. Maybe we need a new one. But you could buy a blanket that's.

[Jason]

I'm so afraid you didn't post the picture.

[Mike]

He said to Google it, Jason. He gave clear instructions.

[Jason]

Well, that's for the people.

[Andy]

Mike's already seen it.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'm on top of this.

[Jason]

What do I Google? Just tortilla.

[Andy]

I'm pretty sure burden tortilla would start you on the right track.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

But, yes, if you need a. What is that?

[Jason]

A.

[Andy]

A palate cleanser of sorts.

[Mike]

Yes, to feel good.

[Andy]

Take a look at that. All right, we are taking a break. Back with our draft.

[Mike]

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[Jason]

Great.

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[Jason]

The Spitballers draft.

[Andy]

Unfortunately, Katie later ate the bird.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Thought it was a bird burrito.

[Andy]

Yeah, Just thought it was just a regular.

[Mike]

Regular burrito. Jeremy did share the picture with Jason, who is Internet illiterate. And then Jason's response is, looks awful. It's a nice, heartwarming story.

[Jason]

It's a nice story, but it's cute. No, it's not cute. You can't look at this thing.

[Andy]

If you were cold. I know a strange hypothetical. You wouldn't want to be swaddled in a warm tortilla. You could.

[Jason]

Yeah, the tortilla's cute.

[Andy]

The baby owls, that's food and comfort, man.

[Jason]

I think a tortilla is one of the cuter foods.

[Mike]

Okay, I can see that.

[Andy]

They make the tortilla blankets. Have you seen those?

[Jason]

We own one, and we have a tortilla beach towel.

[Andy]

You have multiple tortilla.

[Mike]

Is the beach towel still rectangular, or is it.

[Jason]

Nope. Giant circle.

[Andy]

So you're a pretty big tortilla fan.

[Jason]

I am. And Josh is now posting baby owl pictures. They're.

[Mike]

It's not the worst one.

[Jason]

They're monsters.

[Mike]

There's ones that look like humans. Find that photo.

[Jason]

Baby owls are disgusting.

[Mike]

Gotta be terrified. All right, let's do our draft.

[Andy]

The draft is things that make you feel self conscious. So we all have things that make us feel self conscious. Hypothetically, the height that you are. Yeah, Hypothetically.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, we found it.

[Andy]

Mike is so. Yeah, there are some pictures. Don't look at baby Al standing up.

[Mike]

That's for sure, dad.

[Andy]

It's on their hindquarters because they're from another planet. All right, onto the draft, gentlemen. Mike, you have the first Pick. I do things that make you feel self conscious.

[Mike]

So we are men of a certain age. We are in the middle of our lives. We're not as felt as we used to be. You have metabolism as a young one.

[Andy]

I miss it.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's the worst. But part of that is now making sure my shirts are the appropriate size. And when your shirt is too tight around the midsection, you are uncomfortable. The entire day, it's all I can think about is how do I, how do I know? How do I get a little bit of breathing room?

[Jason]

You got to do the suck the gut in all day. You could do it for 10, 30 seconds at a time. But when you're like walking around all day with, you know, this is normal, it hurts.

[Andy]

So shirts that are the wrong size.

[Jason]

Yep.

[Andy]

Shirts too tight. That's a good pick. It's close to home.

[Jason]

I'm super happy that you did not take. There's one that like, this was when we talked about, like, oh, originally it was activities that make you self conscious or however we're going to name this. But no matter what it was, there's one thing that comes to mind that's like, oh, I, I am super self conscious there. Super duper, duper, duper self conscious. And I think I always will be. It's the gym. Going to the gym. Maybe it's not for everybody. Some people, you know, are great when I.

[Andy]

That doesn't change over time. The amount of times you go. No, I mean, same level of self.

[Jason]

Consciousness, 100% same level of self conscious every time. Because I mean, like, I don't want to use a machine when other people are like say two machines away.

[Andy]

Oh, you want distance.

[Jason]

I want perfect privacy. I don't want. I'm doing it. I am doing everything wrong. Yeah, I look like I don't belong, you know, I.

[Andy]

What if somebody called you out on doing it wrong? Would you pretend like you knew?

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

Would you be like, yeah, I know, I'm just trying something different?

[Jason]

No, I'd be like, oh, yeah, sorry. I'd probably apologize.

[Mike]

You'd run, just run out.

[Jason]

Just like, leave me alone. Do you know what it took for me to get out of my truck?

[Mike]

I was just trying to give some.

[Jason]

Advice, but going to the gym, I feel very self conscious.

[Andy]

Okay, that's a good pick.

[Mike]

Go to the gym in a shirt that's too tight.

[Jason]

Oh, actually, actually. So, yeah, I've been going to the gym recently and laundry had not been done for a while. We moved and so we're very behind I had basically one T shirt left I could choose from.

[Mike]

Oh, you gotta go in the stinky shirt.

[Jason]

I should have.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Because unfortunately, it was the same day I decided to do a movement. I mean, this is all my own fault. My fault. But I was grabbing some dumbbells and, like, lifting them up.

[Mike]

Okay. Doing like, a shoulder.

[Andy]

Oh, so you got the legs.

[Jason]

The shirt just was, like, one inch too short so that my belly's hanging out each time. And I. It's just a little peekaboo. I'm telling you the truth. And one. Yeah, that's it. And two, I'm telling you the truth. Two. Every single one of these things. I'm, like, not going all the way up, but it's still a little bit. And I usually do four sets. I quit after three. I was like, yeah, okay.

[Mike]

Hey, you got to three.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Now, was the mirror straight in front of you?

[Jason]

Right in front of me. I'm standing in front of a mirror, just looking at my belly pop out over and over and over.

[Andy]

Wait, is that the best motivation for the gym?

[Jason]

Maybe Peekaboo belly to never go back.

[Andy]

Oh, that's good. My number one pick here will be. I think it's a. It's one of the negative effects of being so tall, But I'm going with dancing.

[Mike]

Dancing? Yeah.

[Andy]

We have a tall family. We all look the same. Like weirdo owlbirds. Like birds dancing around with too many limbs and too long of limbs. Dancing in abstinence is something you have to do uninhibited. I am not a super uninhibited guy. So, like, you have to let go to dance. Well, I think, yeah, you got to be committed if you just half dance. Like, luckily, I don't have to dance that much. I feel like weddings are the one time you dance and you can get lost in a sea of people looking stupid. So that's kind of fun and I've actually enjoyed it. But if I had to dance, you'd feel you start self conscious.

[Jason]

Yeah. Especially when you can't dance, which I can't.

[Andy]

Into that category. Yeah. You can't insult me with what I already know. How do I feel? So I'm going to throw this one out there because Mike mentioned being at this stage of life, and I am going to go with something that. I'm going to call it being a cool dad.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

You're self conscious.

[Andy]

Because what I'm noticing is all my kids have friends that are older now. So then when I interact with my kids, when they have their friends there, I Am the old dad.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

And that makes me feel self conscious because I am not cool no matter what I do, no matter what I say.

[Mike]

I see what you're saying.

[Andy]

I am. Your dad is here. So I find that to be the newfound like, interesting trying to be like these kids. No matter what I say to my kids friends, I am not cool.

[Mike]

Really?

[Andy]

Yeah. And neither are you. And that is what your reaction. You just think you are.

[Jason]

You don't think. You're right.

[Mike]

You don't remember being a teenager and someone else's dad showed up and you're just like, loser.

[Jason]

For sure. For sure I did. But I also remember the dads was like, dad's a cool dad.

[Mike]

Oh, you had some friends.

[Jason]

My best friend had a cool dad. That guy was so funny. I love that guy.

[Andy]

You're that guy.

[Jason]

I'm that guy. Look, guilty as charged.

[Andy]

Okay?

[Jason]

Don't be around us together. You'll feel a little self conscious, Andy.

[Andy]

Sure. Might take you more time. Jason, you're back on the clock.

[Jason]

All right. I am on the clock. And I started giggling because I knew where I'm going here with my next pick because it was the clear number two thing I thought of, like, oh, yeah, I'm uncomfortable in the gym and I'm uncomfortable when we'll call it. We'll call it swimming in public. I don't care if it's the. Call it the actual like the beach or a water park or, you know, it comes in many forms, but it's basically like I. And this is what made me giggle because it's like the shirt problem. I can't do wet clothes. It's a.

[Mike]

You have a sensory thing.

[Jason]

I have a sensory thing.

[Andy]

So you have to choose.

[Jason]

No, I don't have to choose. There is no choice.

[Andy]

As long as no shirt.

[Jason]

I'm topless. Which is what? That's how you refer to a man.

[Andy]

Without a top on.

[Jason]

Yeah, topless. And so I go topless when I go swimming, I go topless when I go to the beach and I go topless when I go to the water.

[Andy]

So the sensory thing with wet clothes is more powerful than the self consciousness of being top.

[Jason]

Way more powerful. But yeah, so that's when I feel. That's what I feel. You know, Mike, you're sucking in your gut because your shirt's a little tight, bro. I don't have a shirt. Take that. That's the worst.

[Andy]

All right, Mike, you are back on the clock. Two picks.

[Mike]

All right. Tried to think of, you know, some moments where you're just really like, ooh. And I had one recently or whatever, the last year or so. But calling someone the wrong name is just a moment. Such a good pick, that. And guys, I had one.

[Andy]

Oh, no. It hurts me to hear that.

[Jason]

I went through. Oh, yes.

[Mike]

You knew.

[Jason]

You were like, I'm gonna nail this.

[Mike]

Because it was like, you could have met him.

[Andy]

The date.

[Mike]

Met him the night before. Oh, no. So I'm. The very next day went for a handshake and I'm like, I'm doing. It was.

[Andy]

How wrong were you?

[Mike]

Oh, not even. It was Samsonite levels. We were down. It was just like, hey, Dave. And he's like, that's not my name. Roger.

[Andy]

He said, that's not my name.

[Mike]

I was like, I was really confident it was.

[Jason]

Turned my name on.

[Mike]

And then I just. I wilted into a puddle.

[Jason]

At least you met him the day before. Like, yeah.

[Mike]

It wasn't a long term.

[Jason]

My next pick was going to be. And I can't pick it now because it's too close, but it was running into people I don't remember, which is that, you know when it's like, someone that you've. You should know this person or whatever, and you're like, I don't know. At least for you, it's like, oh, you just met him. But yeah, whenever you don't know someone's name, that's so uncomfortable.

[Andy]

I did that for the first time in a long time recently. And I had the same mental choice where I'm like, I don't need to go in there and say his name, but I know it's Nick. And then Daniel corrected me.

[Mike]

That's 100%. Because I was like, no fear.

[Andy]

We're going to be so impressive.

[Mike]

When I remember your name, that's like. That was what was going through my mind. It's like, this guy's gonna be like, oh, that's pretty cool. You remember my name. And I did not. Okay, so I've got that one. I'm going to go with one that let me find it. So this is like, we get multiple people involved. This isn't just yourself. But, you know, you're in whatever. You're in a situation where you're in close contact with someone and then like, your hands or your feet accidentally touch.

[Jason]

What. What happened to you? You're like, standing next to someone in your hands. Yeah.

[Mike]

And your hands accidentally touch. And both people immed, like, freak out.

[Jason]

That has not happened to me very much. It's not often.

[Mike]

Oh, no, no. It's not all the time. But when it does, it's debilitating like it is. It is so embarrassing because now you're.

[Andy]

I did not mean to touch you.

[Mike]

You're stuck next to this person that your hands accidentally touched and you feel like you've invaded each other's privacy.

[Andy]

I love the nuance of that pic. Oh my gosh. My Al doesn't even know how to type that into our show.

[Mike]

I just accidentally touching hands is the way I wrote it down.

[Andy]

All right.

[Mike]

It's so surprising and jarring and uncomfortable and you're like, oh, I didn't mean to do that.

[Andy]

That was not me trying to hold your hand. All right, Jason, you got another pick. Oh, that's funny. That's so funny.

[Jason]

So for me, things that I feel self conscious about or make me very uncomfortable is like being a Karen. So okay, whether it's, whether it's like complaining about food.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Or a product, you're saying like you.

[Andy]

Don'T want to come on page.

[Jason]

Yeah. Like the confrontation. Like I'm. When, when, when you push me past my limit in confrontation, watch out. I'm. I'm fantastic. No holds Bart. But in general, regular stuff. I did the food I don't like or whatever.

[Andy]

You don't confront because you don't want to be a Cameron.

[Jason]

Correct. I get so self conscious of. And when you say food, you mean like a complainer? Like a restaurant?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

At a restaurant, someone brings something out.

[Mike]

So your wife brings you something.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

So you just suffer.

[Jason]

Yeah, I just suffer because I'm too self conscious of coming across.

[Mike]

Coming across.

[Jason]

Like that guy.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

[Jason]

So instead of being happy, I just avoid it.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I eat my over salted food now.

[Andy]

Can I bring up a story?

[Jason]

Yeah. I don't know what stories are.

[Andy]

You just had to recently suffer for two and a half hours in the bay.

[Jason]

Oh my gosh. Oh my goodness.

[Andy]

Now it's not exactly. You wouldn't have been a Karen, but did you, did you not want to disrupt the trip? Is that kind of why you didn't say anything?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

So does Mike know what I'm talking about?

[Jason]

Yeah. So I went, I did, to San Diego with the family and we had a kayaking excursion. And these kayaks were not the kayaks where there's like a little foot hole to put your feet. This was the kayak where you're.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Sit on top.

[Jason]

You sit on top of the thing and your feet are, you know, you're at a 90 degree angle. Your body and your legs. My belly don't work that way. Okay. So I. That's like putting on your socks. I can't do it. We've established this. That's hold my breath. And so I've got to put my feet where my feet can't go and I can't hardly breathe. I am in massive pain the second I sit down. And I'm like. And so. And I've got my littlest son in front of me. So I'm weighing this thing down in the back. He's up in the front. He's.

[Mike]

It's a shared kayak.

[Jason]

It's a shared kayak. And so we. I mean, I.

[Andy]

But you're up like a speedboat.

[Jason]

This took me about one second to know. This ain't for me.

[Andy]

Instantly.

[Jason]

Instantly we start going out and I'm already ready to go back. I'm like thinking about going back.

[Andy]

How long was that trip?

[Jason]

Two hours. Two hours. I am still sore. My abs. I was basically doing a crunch for two hours and I didn't go back. But that was a confrontation that was just like. I don't know, I didn't want to take it from.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's a little different. You weren't going to have to confront anybody about that. But. But it would have.

[Jason]

It would have been embarrassing to be like, yeah, I can't do it. I can't kite, you know.

[Mike]

Oh, sure. Why? What's going on? What's wrong?

[Jason]

Well, you see, I can't sit up. You ever try to put your socks on?

[Andy]

All right. My. Is it me?

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

You're up for two. My final two. I need a clothing one. You guys have clothing ones? It's underdressing or overdressing.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's on my list.

[Andy]

Under or over? Both are horrible. Different feeling. When you're overdressed, you feel like a dork. When you're underdressed, you feel like you didn't care.

[Jason]

Which one's worse.

[Andy]

Over.

[Jason]

Under.

[Andy]

Oh, you know what? Hold on, hold on.

[Mike]

I think under is worse.

[Andy]

Under is worse. Yes. You can't over. You can make a joke and be like, yeah, I just wanted to, you know.

[Jason]

And you look good.

[Andy]

Yes. The other one, you're like, these are my jeans.

[Mike]

Basketball shorts. To the funeral, huh?

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah. So that is.

[Jason]

I went to this little store.

[Andy]

Have you had.

[Jason]

This just happened like last week. My wife and I went to dinner with her with my in laws and apparently this place was really, really fancy. And I didn't know I was in shorts and a polo at home. And I'm Told like, oh, you can't. You're not wearing that. You have to at least wear jeans or whatever and some pants and, yeah, some pants. So I dress nice. Button up pants, dress shoes.

[Andy]

Oh, this is gonna be good.

[Mike]

Dress shoes too.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I walk in. I had never been to this place before. I walk in, we got there a little bit later, and the second I walk in, I turn and I go, thank goodness. Thank goodness that I changed. I would have felt so bad.

[Andy]

Oh, really?

[Jason]

It was, it was so fancy.

[Andy]

I thought you were going to say you walked in. Everybody's in polo. Polos and shorts.

[Jason]

No, we get taken to our booth where my in laws were waiting. He's in a. He's in an Under Armour workout. Like, I was like, I guess he didn't get the memo.

[Andy]

So you got to be both ends. See both ends of it.

[Jason]

Yeah, so that was funny.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

I will book into my trying to be a cool dad too way earlier when I was a parent. But there's not much that feels more self conscious than when your small child is acting up or throwing a giant fit in public.

[Mike]

Public meltdown.

[Andy]

Because you just feel like you want to write, like, hand a personal apology to every individual piece person witnessing this or run the other direction.

[Jason]

I just look around and say, where's this kid's parents?

[Andy]

Yeah, no, that would be the better play because like, we've all had kids when we were growing up or when they were growing up where they had a meltdown in a store or scream their faces off and you're just like, can I survive and get this child home? But you feel like everyone's judging you.

[Jason]

Yeah, well, and they are. Because, like, I pride myself a little bit on not being judgmental. I feel like I'm a very non judgmental person and there's never been one time in my life that the true kid meltdown is not being severely judged by me. You know, I'm there. I'm like, what? Oh, come on, you can't control your child. I mean, it's just like the natural terrible parents. So it's like, yeah, you are being judged.

[Andy]

Once I went through a few meltdowns that actually put me. It swung the pendulum so far that in like on a plane or anywhere, I was just like, I wanted to be the only person sympathizing with the parents because I know everybody else is judging them. And because I went through it, I was like, yeah, I've been there. I know this is. This too shall pass.

[Jason]

Once you do go through that, you become more empathetic. You feel bad for him.

[Andy]

All right, Jason, what else makes you feel self conscious?

[Jason]

Bad breath, man. Bad breath is the worst because you can't smell it, but you can think it. You know, you can't smell your own bad breath. And you're like, I've been talking a lot today. I haven't drank water. I don't know. I don't know what it is. Maybe I drank too much water. Maybe I haven't talked enough today. I don't know what it is. But then it's like, once you get that in your head, which is a good thing to have in your head, right? Like, you don't want to be oblivious to it either. But it's like, I mean, now I'm like, I'm not talking directly at people. I'm trying to, like, talk off to their shoulders.

[Mike]

Yeah, you're doing, like, weird hands. Deflect the breath.

[Andy]

Just out of self consciousness.

[Jason]

Yeah, just out of self consciousness. That's like. That might be like the number one most common self conscious of like, oh, it's my breasting.

[Andy]

I heard a. I was listening to a talk show where people call them with their problems. And this woman calls in and she's got a fiance. And everything about him, everything is amazing. He cares for her, he loves her, supports her, all this stuff. They've been engaged for like two years. They're getting ready to get married. She can't figure out how to tell him how bad his breath stinks. Like, because there's no way.

[Mike]

The halitosis.

[Andy]

There's no way to politely tell a person their breath stinks.

[Jason]

Nope. I get mad every time my wife says it. And it's.

[Andy]

You're mad at her for telling you the truth.

[Jason]

Absolutely. And thank you. And I always tell her, like, you gotta always tell me. You say, I gotta tell you. I don't have to be happy about it.

[Mike]

How dare you?

[Jason]

No.

[Mike]

Give me a mint.

[Jason]

Perhaps some binoculars.

[Andy]

All right, so having bad breath, that is a. That is a good one. Mike, you can wrap it up.

[Mike]

It is parking.

[Jason]

Just parking.

[Mike]

Parking the car. Because.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

There are so many instances where just pure panic and being so self conscious could take over your body of.

[Andy]

That helps you park better, right?

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. When you start immediately going into an anxiety attack.

[Andy]

That's funny.

[Mike]

Which my children know. I am a terrible parker. My wife knows, lets me know constantly.

[Andy]

I didn't even know you were a terrible parker.

[Mike]

It is a fear of mine. And like we have.

[Andy]

Do you go out beyond the Cars. Now have you done that?

[Mike]

I will bypass a closer tight spot to find an easier place to park in. I can see 100% will do that. And we have like.

[Andy]

So our.

[Mike]

The mall that's close to us, our shopping mall. There is a section of it. I don't know if you guys know what section I'm talking about.

[Andy]

Is it a parking horror?

[Mike]

It's down by the movie theater. I don't know what they did to these spots because these spots, they tighten them up, are the exact size of a car. There is no margin at all. And you get into this area where like Christmas time starts coming up. It's. Good Lord. It is like you will like. Finding a spot is very difficult. So someone like, if you just find the one spot. There's definitely a line behind me. 100%.

[Andy]

You got a.

[Mike]

Nail it. And there's people. There's people that are on my tail and I have to make this in and not. And I'd be like, well, I got a three point this. Everybody, I'm so sorry. Hold on.

[Jason]

When you got to throw that thing in reverse.

[Mike]

Oh man.

[Jason]

That's when the self conscious is like, you hate me.

[Mike]

Yeah, you hate me.

[Jason]

You can. You can hate me.

[Mike]

You ever are a pathetic loser.

[Andy]

You ever pulled into a spot, thought you nailed it, decided that the best thing to do would be to straighten out, backed out a little bit. A person was waiting, thinking, you're coming out of the spot for them. And then you just pull right back in the spot and get out.

[Mike]

I've had that happen.

[Andy]

And then they look at you like, I thought that was the spot.

[Mike]

I mean, look, backing into a spot. Good lord, just take my life away from me so I don't have to deal with this.

[Andy]

The cameras have made that easier.

[Mike]

Ish.

[Jason]

So you're not backing in anytime soon, huh?

[Andy]

It's. Are you a left or right?

[Jason]

You have a smaller floor. I can't believe this is difficult.

[Andy]

Left is way easier. Right for all of you. I can park left. I can't park right.

[Mike]

I think so then it makes a difference. No, it. Oh, there's a big difference.

[Andy]

It feels like a monstrous difference in being able to read it.

[Mike]

And then I'll have.

[Andy]

I want to know what the left or right from the deucers do.

[Mike]

You know, do you think about it?

[Andy]

Do you park left or right? Which would you prefer?

[Jason]

I have no issues parking at all, so I don't understand this.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'm the same. I'm pretty bad at parking. So.

[Mike]

Yeah, my man.

[Andy]

No Preference.

[Jason]

Both.

[Andy]

No preferences.

[Mike]

And then like my. I'll be so psyched out about my parking. So like when I go to back out my car, it's like, I will, I will. If I have the option, I will always back out to the right. Like, dude, it's just parking is. Is a real bugaboo for me.

[Andy]

That's funny. Yeah. For some reason for me, turning left into a spot feels like the easiest parking ever.

[Mike]

Because you have the gauge down.

[Andy]

Yeah, I have it perfectly down.

[Jason]

You're just closer. Like you're on the left side of the vehicle.

[Andy]

It's like the geometry doesn't work the same.

[Jason]

I think what it is is once.

[Andy]

You the right side feels like I gotta swing way out and then go in.

[Jason]

Maybe what happened was this was something that you experienced early on as a driver. And so now 90% of the time you are parking to the left and you get no practice going to the right. Maybe you just need to tell yourself I can only park to the right.

[Andy]

I'm pretty sure I'm teaching my son to drive right now. I'm pretty sure I told him right was harder. I'm pretty sure I told him like verbatim. Like this is more difficult. Extra ones on my list before we close things down. I had like, if you have a pimple on your face.

[Mike]

Yeah, sure, sure.

[Andy]

Starting a story and realizing it's not going to land, but having to finish it.

[Mike]

Yeah. Oh, that's terrible.

[Andy]

And the last other one was showing up late. I am the most punctual or early person. I mean, I frequently think I'm late to things and am the first one there, including this morning.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. I've got spelling. That one makes me feel real self conscious.

[Andy]

So every highway to spell, you're, you.

[Jason]

Know, like I don't want people looking at my Google history. But it's not because of some bad searches, some wrongs. It's for mistrust spelled words. It's just I just type in the word and let Google tell me. Did you mean this? Yes, I did. Google. Thank you very much.

[Andy]

Oh, your spelling only gets. It only gets worse over time with.

[Jason]

Google when I can right click and fix. I don't need to know how to spell karaoke.

[Andy]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Jason]

I'm not the best singer. Returning an item to a store. Oh my gosh.

[Andy]

Wait, that one is wild to me.

[Jason]

That's. I can't do it.

[Mike]

That falls into your same one of them.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's the confrontation. The Karen.

[Andy]

You're a Karen.

[Jason]

If you return something 100%, I feel so bad. I don't want to deal with.

[Andy]

I don't think you've return very much at all.

[Jason]

I haven't.

[Andy]

I remember you've had some big items delivered and it was like, maybe I just throw them out, give them away.

[Jason]

I have literally bought something that was decent, like a nice thing, and then it was wrong or I needed to return it. And my fear of returning things. I took it to Goodwill.

[Andy]

Oh my God.

[Jason]

I returned it to Goodwill.

[Andy]

Give me the internal monologue of the, of the employee of the. Of the shop that you're returning it to.

[Jason]

When I walk up, they're thinking, I got to not accept this item return. This is going to hurt.

[Mike]

We got to put up a fight for the company.

[Jason]

This is going to hurt my store's score. This guy, did he even buy it at this location? That type of stuff?

[Andy]

He thinks I'm going to get one over on it.

[Jason]

Long time ago I was a manager of Best Buy and I know, like, oh, you got to fight these things, whatever. And so I feel like that's been there. Also playing VR fair because I know how stupid I look to the outside world.

[Mike]

I had when you can't stop sneezing.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

I do. I had sneezing slash hiccups as well. Just when you trip like that.

[Andy]

Yeah, just tripping me. I do know how to walk actually.

[Mike]

And like not getting a joke.

[Andy]

Oh yeah.

[Mike]

To be the only one who doesn't know what's going on.

[Jason]

And you just, you're like, that's a good one.

[Mike]

Am I dumb? Like, why don't I understand what's going on right now?

[Andy]

That is a good one. Oh, I also had trying an accent or an impression and failing.

[Jason]

What did we learn today?

[Mike]

A bad impression. Feels really bad.

[Andy]

Yeah. I learned that Mike, Mike can't park.

[Jason]

I learned that I'm gonna start looking for bags I can pour some water in for a long period of time.

[Andy]

That's funny.

[Mike]

And I learned that it. The reason we feel superior is just cuz I'm taller.

[Jason]

Cuz you are.

[Andy]

That's gotta be DNA. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

Yeah. Just I'm.

[Andy]

My body knows that I'm better than you.

[Jason]

Built different.

[Mike]

Thank you for listening, everybody. Goodbye.

[Andy]

Good.

[Jason]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to. Check out Spitballers pod dot com.

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[Mike]

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[Jason]

Great.

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