Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: The Brain King & Things We'd Like To Be Famous For - Spit Hits!

Date: November 27, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

Episode Overview

This episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast dives into the world of frivolous fame and odd life choices as Andy, Mike, and Jason—a trio of witty dads—debate which things they’d most like to be famous for, riff on the peculiarities of animal pet-ownership, and break down some truly bizarre real-life news stories. In the classic Spitballers fashion, the conversation is full of good-natured roasts, tangents, and enough irreverent life advice to fill a sloth’s week. The guys cover everything from the utility of belts and fashion faux pas to the merits of being the (self-crowned) “Brain King.”

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Belt Philosophy, Fashion, and Functionality

(Starts ~01:22)

• Jason recounts buying a new belt that operates like a seatbelt:
  • Jason: “It just clasps, unclasps, but like a seat belt… you preset it to your size.” (02:03)
  • The belt incident leads to commentary on fluctuating waist sizes throughout the day and the horror of post-lunch pants discomfort.
• Debate over whether belts are for fashion, function, or both:
  • Andy: “Belts are fashion. Belts are not supposed to keep your pants on. If belts are keeping your pants on, your pants are the wrong size.” (03:20)
• Discussion veers into sagging pants and fashion trends that inhibit comfort or movement.

2. Would You Rather: Children’s Daycare or Doggy Daycare?

(05:34)

• The hosts debate the merits of working three hours daily at a children’s daycare versus six hours at a doggy daycare.
  • Mike: “I would much rather be hanging out with dogs all day.” (05:50)
  • Andy counters with tales of non-stop yapping at doggy groomers.
  • Jason points out the immutable rule of childhood: “One, you can’t kick a kid.” (07:13)
• Poop logistics, disease vectors, and crying kids vs. yappy dogs are dissected at length.

3. Would You Rather: Sloth vs. Otter as a Pet

(11:20)

• The guys dissect the differences (and surprising similarities) between otters, sloths, ferrets, and even seals.
  • Jason: “Ferrets were created when someone pooped them out. That’s what it was. Somebody pooped the first ferret.” (14:10)
• Otter’s notoriously fragrant “spraints” (poop) become a focal point.
  • Andy: “Otter poop… known as spraints… some say smells like violets or jasmine tea.” (15:04)
• Sloths touted for their lack of smell, slow movements, and evolutionary improbability:
  • Andy: “Sloths have evolved to avoid being detected by predators by not sweating and instead smelling like the jungle.” (17:24)
• The practicality of sloth care—only needing to clean up once a week—is praised.
  • Mike: “Sloths spend the majority of their time up in the canopy, coming down only one time per week to relieve themselves. So… you got one cleanup per week.” (17:39)
• The group is unanimously pro-sloth as a pet.

4. Is This Real Life?—Weird News Stories

(24:00)

• Flight Attendant’s Nightmare: Mike recounts a true story where a flight attendant had to hold up a broken bathroom door on a 16-hour flight from Hong Kong to New York.
  • Jason: “We don’t got no duct tape?… Let’s use Dolores.” (25:06)
• NASA and Uranus Jokes: Jason shares an article titled “Wind blowing out of Uranus makes it hard to probe, NASA complains.”
  • Jason: “‘A rare intense wind event may have messed up our opportunity to probe Uranus.’” (27:11)
• Seagull Decapitation in New Jersey: Andy reports on a man who decapitated a seagull after it stole fries from his daughter.
  • Jason: “That is a disproportionate reaction.” (29:32)
  • Discussion devolves into which animals are “okay” to kill based on perceived beauty and societal norms.
• Debates on bird beauty are humorously ended via GPT’s objective rating:
  • Andy: “I’m gonna go 7.5.”
  • Jason: “Six out of ten.” (33:10)

5. The Spitballers Draft: Things You’d Like to be Famous For

(35:29) Each host drafts their top picks for things they’d like to be world-famous for, sharing childhood dreams and comedic what-ifs.

Notable Picks:

• Andy:

  • Famous Actor (36:00)
  • President of the United States (41:52)
  • Stand-up Comedian (42:45)
  • Tech Entrepreneur (51:03)

• Jason:

  • World’s Sexiest Man (37:41)
  • Famous Athlete (40:25)
  • Highest IQ / "Brain King" (44:34)
  • The King (anywhere, but specifically King of England) (47:43)

• Mike:

  • Rockstar (38:39)
  • Being Rich (39:30)
  • Famous Explorer (45:16)
  • Most Accurate Meteorologist (46:51)

• Classic Spitballers banter accompanies every pick, with tangents on whether one could retroactively make oneself king by buying an island, or the potential perks and pitfalls of president vs. king.

  • Mike: “I want to be the world’s greatest and most accurate meteorologist.” (46:51)
  • Jason: “I am the king. Not the king? So, like, of England? Sure.” (47:57)
  • Andy: “The job would be way more fun to be king. The king does nothing!” (49:32)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Belts:
  Andy: “Belts are fashion. Belts are not supposed to keep your pants on.” (03:20)
• On Career Choices:
  Jason: “One, you can’t kick a kid.” (07:13)
  Mike: “I want to be the world’s greatest and most accurate meteorologist.” (46:51)
• On Poop “Science”:
  Andy: “Otter poop... known as spraints... some say smells like violets or jasmine tea.” (15:04)
  Jason: “Ferrets were created when someone pooped them out. That’s what it was. Somebody pooped the first ferret.” (14:10)
• On Sloth Evolution:
  Andy: “People that want to argue for or against evolution... the argument is sloth.” (16:42)
• On Beauty Rankings:
  Jason: “Six out of ten is not beautiful.” (33:13)
• On Weird News:
  Jason: “‘Wind blowing out of Uranus makes it hard to probe, NASA complains.’” (27:08)
• Drafting Fame:
  Andy: “When you’re a famous comedian, people adore you… your presence is hilarious.” (43:08)
  Jason: “I am the Brain King.” (44:48)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:52: Show starts—What happens when three buffoons give life advice
• 01:22: Jason’s belt story & belt philosophy
• 05:34: Would you rather: Kids’ daycare vs. doggy daycare
• 11:20: Would you rather: Pet sloth vs. pet otter
• 24:00: Is This Real Life? (Weird News Stories)
• 29:32: Seagull decapitation discussion
• 33:10: Beauty ranking of birds (AI gives its take)
• 35:29: The Spitballers Draft – “Things You’d Like to Be Famous For”
• 43:08: Stand-up comedian as the ultimate fame
• 44:34: The “Brain King” and other aspirational titles
• 51:03: Andy’s final pick: Tech entrepreneur
• 52:47: What Did We Learn (episode wrap-up banter)

Overall Tone & Style

The tone is light-hearted, silly, and family-friendly with a charming blend of dad jokes, offbeat wisdom, and pop-culture references. The hosts riff off each other with practiced comedic timing and a genuine affection for absurdity. The episode plays out like a fast-paced conversation with your funniest friends—roasting each other, spinning elaborate “what if”s, and finding humor in even the most mundane life details.

Perfect for listeners who want clean, unpredictable comedy, a little bit of science trivia, and a lot of off-the-cuff life advice that you absolutely shouldn’t take.