The Fly Guy & The Best Night With The Boys - Comedy Podcast

Summary

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Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: The Fly Guy & The Best Night With The Boys

Release Date: December 8, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason
Episode #: 349

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Overview

This episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast is a classic mix of nostalgic laughs, ridiculous hypothetical scenarios, and hotly debated “life” choices. Andy, Mike, and Jason—three self-described “middle-aged guys”—riff on classic “Would You Rather” questions, dissect the appeal of flying versus driving (and even trains), and dig into the ultimate “boys’ night” by drafting their ideal combo of movie, snack, video game, and album. The chemistry is as hilarious as ever, and the episode is packed with memorable asides, outrageous opinions, and classic Spitballers nonsense.

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Key Segments and Discussion Points

1. Show Start & Bants ([01:12])

• Opening scatting banter with Jason, who rates his own performance, “I give myself a 10 out of 10.” (Jason, 01:21)
• The group teases Jason for "paying up" on a long-standing scat bet.

2. “Would You Rather”: Sneeze Money? ([03:27]–[11:35])

Hypothetical:
Would you rather instantly get $1 for every sneeze you’ve had in your life, or $3 for every sneeze from now on?

Highlights:

• The guys do some napkin math:
  • “They say 440 sneezes per year…that’s 18 grand. That’s a good chunk of change now.” (Josh, 05:23)
  • Jason and Mike contemplate how far they’d go to trigger sneezes for cash—“Would you be wearing a necklace with a pepper shaker on it?” (Jason, 04:13)
• Sneeze strategies: Jason reveals he habitually holds in sneezes, and Mike recommends, “Just let that—let it fly, man.” ([06:25])
• Discovery of “ACHOO syndrome”: Josh explains the real scientific term for sunlight-induced sneezing, “Autosomal dominant compelling helio ophthalmic outburst. Oh my goodness, that is true.” ([09:09])
• Mike describes an experimental sneeze: “Closed mouth, tongue out. It is the ultimate raspberry.” ([08:03])

3. “Would You Rather”: Fly Guy vs. Drive Guy (Travel Preferences) ([11:35]–[23:00])

Hypothetical:
Would you rather drive 7 hours or take a 9-hour nonstop flight (cost not a factor)?

Highlights:

• Jason declares: “I’m certainly the ‘prefer to fly’ guy. I don’t have any fear of flying or anxiety.” (Jason, 12:42)
• Group debates the pain points: the time lost at airports, stress, and the lack of flexibility with flying vs. the convenience of road trips.
• Love for trains emerges: “Can we start trains up again?” (Josh, 18:31), and Jason shares extolling Europe’s train system, “Trains rule…that was amazing.” (Jason, 18:40)

Memorable Quip:

• “I got to have 5,800 sneezes the rest of my life just to break even. Not including interest. Makes no sense.” (Jason, 11:27)

4. Animal Family Dilemma: Raised by Wolves or Gorillas? ([23:37]–[29:46])

Hypothetical:
Would you rather be raised by gorillas or wolves as an abandoned infant, until rescued at 15?

Highlights:

• Discussion of the "appeal" and skills imparted: tree climbing, foraging vs. pack mentality, howling.
• “You want to be in a pack or you want to be in a band? I want to be in a band.” (Jason, 25:06)
• Josh shares fun animal facts: “Wolves are 36 to 38 [mph], so eat that!” (Josh, 29:36)

Consensus:
Split—Josh wants wolves (“I want to be able to howl at the moon”); Jason and Mike side with gorilla “coolness.”

5. Is This Real Life? (Absurd News Stories) ([31:27]–[43:48])

Each host brings a bizarre, “is this real?” news item:

a. Bald Eagle Drops Cat Through Windshield ([32:52])

• A North Carolina motorist’s claim: “You may not believe me, but I just had a bald eagle drop a cat through my windshield.” (911 call, quoted by Josh, 33:02)
• Intense disbelief and wild theorizing from the group: “This man’s a liar!” (Mike, 35:00)

b. Florida Man Drives from Sunroof ([35:49])

• A 70-year-old man is arrested for driving a Cadillac via autopilot—standing through the sunroof at 100+ mph.
• His reasoning: "He'd rather go to jail than back to his wife" (Jason, 37:12)
• Spirals into debate about bank robbing and white-collar vs. blue-collar prison time.

c. Drunk Raccoon Wrecks Liquor Store ([42:19])

• In Virginia: A passed-out raccoon is found beside the toilet after breaking in and drinking liquor.
• “Local officials said he was, quote, very drunk.” (Mike, 43:28)

6. The Spitballers Draft: The Best Night With the Boys ([45:32]–[58:44])

Draft Categories:

• Movie
• Video Game
• Snack
• Album

Each host drafts their personal “best night” combo.
Notable Picks & Banter:

Jason

• Video Game: NBA Jam (“Boomshakalaka! That’s the one…” [46:59])
• Movie: Tropic Thunder (“We’d have a blast throwing on Tropic Thunder.” [51:35])
• Snack: Beef jerky (“Everyone gets their own bag of old Trapper… I get two.” [52:30])
• Album: Smashing Pumpkins – Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

Josh

• Movie: Die Hard ("I want bullets on the screen, so I'm going Die Hard." [50:15])
• Snack: Pizza rolls ("Pizza rolls is on my list." [47:40])
• Video Game: Mario Kart
• Album: Creedence Clearwater Revival – Willie and the Poor Boys (“I'm getting the Vietnam style music… Fortunate Son on the radio.” [53:43])

Mike

• Movie: Happy Gilmore ("And all four of us are going to recite every single line." [48:49])
• Album: Blink-182 – Enema of the State (“It is a perfect album…from beginning to end.” [49:32])
• Snack: Doritos (Nacho Cheese)
• Video Game: Perfect Dark (“GoldenEye walked so Perfect Dark could run.” [56:39])

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Notable Quotes

• “You thought the last segment was gonna age us—we’re talking trains.” (Jason, 22:49)
• “Let it fly, man!” (Mike, on sneezes, 06:25)
• “I'm a fly guy... all I want to do is fly.” (Jason, 14:11)
• “You want to be in a pack or you want to be in a band? I want to be in a band.” (Jason, 25:06)
• “This man’s a liar!” (Mike, about the cat+bald eagle story, 35:00)
• “Everyone gets their own bag of old Trapper. I get two.” (Jason, 52:30)
• “Die Hard is the greatest movie of all time.” (Mike, 50:26)
• “GoldenEye walked so Perfect Dark could run.” (Mike, 56:39)

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Segment Timestamps (Approximate)

• [01:12] Show opens and hosts' banter
• [03:27] Would You Rather – Sneeze for cash?
• [11:35] Would You Rather – 7 hour drive or 9 hour flight?
• [18:31] Trains, nostalgia, and transportation tangents
• [23:37] Raised by wolves or gorillas?
• [31:27] Is This Real Life? (Absurd news stories)
  • [32:52] Bald eagle/cat story
  • [35:49] Florida man on sunroof
  • [42:19] Drunk raccoon in liquor store
• [45:32] The Spitballers Draft: Best Night With the Boys
• [58:44] Wrap-up: What did we learn today?

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Tone & Style

• Classic Spitballers: Playful, fast paced, and nostalgic, full of dad-level jokes, boisterous “how did we get here” detours, and sincere affection for dorky childhood memories.
• Good-natured Ribbing: Constant teasing, faux outrage, and banter—particularly as Jason tries to defend “fly guy” status and when discussing the completely ridiculous animal and news hypotheticals.
• Family Friendly: Lighthearted with topics that veer silly rather than crude.

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Summary

This episode delivers classic Spitballers energy: inventive hypotheticals, “dad” wisdom, and laugh-out-loud drafts. Whether you’re here for real-life absurdities (cat dropped by eagle, a raccoon bender), Jason’s eternal defense of flying, or sweet nostalgia about the “best night with the boys,” this episode is packed with clever asides and quotable moments. The Spitballers shine when debating nonsense, celebrating the mundane (sneezing for cash), and building epic–if questionable–nights in, reminding listeners why they’re two-time Comedy Podcast of the Year.

Transcript

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[Jason]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers. Podc, Andy, Mike and Jason.

That's great.

[Josh]

Nice scat, Jason.

[Jason]

Thanks, man. I enjoyed doing it today.

[Josh]

It looked like a ventriloquist type of situation, but you sounded like yourself.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I, I, I, I give myself a 10 out of 10.

[Josh]

So the second.

What do you, what do you call that? Like a. I volunteer as tribute scat.

[Mike]

No, this is a payment.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I didn't volunteer. He didn't.

[Josh]

Yeah, but I didn't volunteer the second time that you had to do his scout for him.

[Mike]

That's right.

[Jason]

And now it's paid up. Now I've got to look for new gifts.

[Mike]

I can find things.

[Josh]

That was pretty good. I mean, how did, how's it felt the last. What is that like?

[Mike]

Keep those dms.

[Jason]

It's been great because this is basically almost two months.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Where I don't scat and I adore.

[Josh]

I thought you would make up for it in comedic effect, but that really hasn't been the case.

[Jason]

No, of course not.

[Josh]

Welcome into The Spitballers, episode 349. Is that right? That is correct. Wow.

[Mike]

Awesome. The next one's about Tree Fitty. Yeah, about tree Fitty.

[Josh]

Would you rather. Is this real life? And we are drafting.

What we're calling the. The best night out with the boys or the best night with the boys. So we're drafting a.

What are we drafting? An album, a movie, a snack, and a video game. So you got the guys coming over to do something.

[Mike]

This is going to be great.

[Josh]

And we're going to pick items for each one and see if you can.

[Mike]

Build the best night who amongst us.

Middle aged guys you don't dream about and think about the times with the boys.

[Josh]

Those were good days, the high school days. I wanted to stay up late.

[Jason]

I worry a little bit making my own list about this draft. Making my. You were a loser.

[Josh]

You never had a night out with.

[Mike]

The boys, did you?

[Jason]

You got crazy. I had the best nights out. No, the issue is when it comes time to draft at the end of this show, we are really going to be showing our age.

[Josh]

Yes.

[Jason]

Because I'm, I'm looking at my list and I'm like, this is. A lot of our audience is not going to know my album.

[Mike]

They're gonna, they're not gonna.

[Jason]

You know what I mean?

[Mike]

Who do you think listens to this show?

[Jason]

That's fair. That's a good point.

[Josh]

Yeah, we'll be all right.

[Jason]

We'll make it through the boys.

[Josh]

Let's jump in.

[Jason]

Would you rather.

[Josh]

We're beginning here with a Would you rather question from Alexander over on our Patreon. Would you rather instantly receive $1 for every past sneeze you have had in your life.

Or from here on out, start receiving $3 instantly each time you sneeze?

[Mike]

I mean, come on, burden hand.

[Josh]

I mean, there's been. I'm 41 years old, I've sneezed. I don't know what my average sneeze, at least four would be more than once a year. Mike.

Sicknesses would be lucrative.

A good winter cold, very wealthy.

[Mike]

I mean, your guy over here. My allergies when I was a child.

[Josh]

Oh, you were cat.

[Jason]

Would you be like, would you be wearing, would you be like wearing a necklace with like a pepper shaker on it? If you took the $3 for every.

[Josh]

Future sneeze, I'd put an old cat on it, Right?

[Jason]

Yeah. Whatever you're allergic to. You just literally rubbing your face in the nastiest stuff.

[Josh]

Only when I'm poor. Only when I need a few dollars.

[Jason]

The issue here, the issue here is, I mean, I don't think that there is a way to redeem it. How it is right now. This is clearly burden hand. This is like.

[Josh]

Yes.

[Jason]

How many sneezes I've had in my life? I don't know, 10,000.

[Josh]

Do you know how painful 30 sneezes would be to make a hundred dollars? Right.

[Jason]

That's what I mean.

[Josh]

30 sneezes for a hundred bucks.

[Jason]

Yeah. Give me a break.

[Mike]

Do we, like, is this information available? If I go ask AI, will it know?

[Jason]

Like, it'll give you an answer. AI will always Give you an answer now, whether that answer is.

[Mike]

You got it. What a great question.

[Jason]

Oh yeah. You are so smart to ask this question. The answer is. And then it gives you some made up wrong answer.

[Josh]

I've got the number. I don't know if this is right. It seems like too much. I said, how many sneezes on average do people have per year? Give me only the number. They say 440.

[Jason]

440.

[Josh]

440 sneezes per year. I mean, this is not a lot of money.

I mean, this is. This is 18 grand. 18 grand right now. And I don't have. That's a good chunk of change now. That's more than I thought. I'm older than I thought I was.

[Jason]

You thought you were 20 years old.

[Mike]

Yeah, times 20.

[Josh]

So 440 times 41 was 18 grand. And I, I would take the 18 grand right now and not have to feel the pressure of.

[Mike]

Because you would have to do how many sneezes to make up ground.

[Josh]

I just actively try not to sneeze. I don't like sneezing. So I feel like, dude, I mean, a good, A good single sneeze is fine, but adult three bucks.

[Jason]

Oh, man, that would be thirteen hundred and twenty dollars a year moving forward.

[Josh]

If that 440 was to sustain.

[Jason]

Oh, thirteen hundred bucks a year.

[Josh]

I would double that at least. Yeah.

[Jason]

I mean, if we. Knowing the monetary, we certainly sneeze more often. So you.

[Josh]

2,500, 3,000 a year, a little stimulus, sneeze check.

[Jason]

I mean, how many times in my life have I held back the sneeze?

[Josh]

That's right.

[Jason]

Many, many, many times I have.

[Josh]

You do.

[Mike]

Of anyone I know, you are the one most likely to hold back a sneeze. And I never really understand it. Just let that. Let it go, man. Let it fly.

[Jason]

You know, sometimes, sometimes it's polite to hold it back, but I would let it fly every time if I knew I got three bucks.

[Josh]

I'm paying the bills.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Excuse me.

[Jason]

I got to pay the bills.

[Mike]

But I'm saying like a. You're in a situation, you know, and you're like, you got a big sneeze and you go. Either you go elbow or in shirt. We're sanitary people.

[Jason]

Yeah, well, for sure.

[Mike]

I mean, like that compared to what you go with, which is the hold on, you gotta pause you like.

[Josh]

And then it's, you know what you do like.

[Jason]

There's still my whole body viper.

[Mike]

There's still a sound. You still sneeze the bathroom.

[Jason]

But I'm not spraying Everything out of my mouth.

[Mike]

Right.

[Josh]

But that's right directly into your wallet.

[Mike]

Oh, that $3 just appears.

[Jason]

You gotta get a full billfold.

[Josh]

Yeah, just open the billfold. It smells like leather, and sneeze into it.

[Mike]

You're at the vending machine. You're like, man, I need that honey bun.

[Jason]

Yes. Do you guys ever. This is a funny question. I didn't know we were having this question today. And this happened today.

[Mike]

Vending machine related.

[Jason]

No, no, no. Sneeze related.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

This happened about an hour ago for me. Do you guys ever. When you are by yourself and you are. There's. There's no sanitation needs.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Do you guys ever sneeze as big as you can. You don't cover it. You try to. Extra spit.

[Josh]

I don't know about the extra.

[Mike]

Have you ever done the sneeze covering. Have you ever done the sneeze? Closed mouth, tongue out.

[Jason]

Closed mouth, tongue out? No, no. I have done doable.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah.

[Josh]

What do you mean, oh, yeah?

[Mike]

You gotta try this. It is the ultimate raspberry. You will.

[Josh]

That is the weirdest sound.

[Mike]

I go for it.

[Josh]

I feel like my head would explode.

[Mike]

Oh, no, this isn't. I'll hold your eyes open.

[Jason]

I'm try it for sure.

[Josh]

Let it. Let it rip.

[Jason]

But see, what I do is there's gonna be.

[Mike]

There's a spit.

[Jason]

I am. Mouth open, tongue out. I'm just. I am literally like.

[Mike]

But then you're not getting the.

[Jason]

No, but the projectile's incredible.

[Josh]

You walk by a homeless person, and they're like, do you have any money? And you go, hold on a second.

[Mike]

We just sneeze in their face.

[Jason]

It's three bucks. Well, you're giving them three bucks?

[Mike]

Yeah. Okay, well, if I get the $3.

[Josh]

You just say, hold on a second, and you look up at the sun.

[Jason]

My sneeze?

[Josh]

Yeah, the sun will get me a sneeze.

[Jason]

My son would be a millionaire.

[Mike]

I don't.

[Josh]

Oh, really? Is he a constant sneeze?

[Jason]

Well, because whenever he sneezes, it's like 700 sneez.

[Josh]

Oh, yeah. I'm normally a three.

[Jason]

I'm normally a two.

[Mike]

The light sneezers. I don't understand. Is it just the sun or can it be a fluorescence? I don't.

[Josh]

Just the sun.

[Jason]

I think it is. I think it is the sun. I don't think it's light bulbs.

[Mike]

Well, I've.

[Josh]

No, I've not. Just the brightness of it. I've heard that it's called a photic sneeze reflex. Where People, this can't be true. It's known as achoo syndrome. Autosomal dominant compelling helio optimalic outburst. Oh, my goodness, that is true.

Autosomal dominant compelling helio ophthalmic outburst. And it affects 10 to 35% of people. I'm 95% sure this was a Liar liar. At one point, sunlight hits the eyes, triggers a signal to the optic nerve, which cross talks with the trigeminal nerve, of course, which causes facial sensations, including the nose. And it's mistakenly interpreted by the brain as an irritant in the nose, triggering a sneeze in 20 to 35% of people.

[Mike]

Like, I can do the thing where.

[Jason]

I thought it was just 10 to 35% and it's making up different numbers within itself.

[Josh]

It's inherited.

[Mike]

Okay, but I mean, I've heard that.

[Josh]

Where people are like, you know, where.

[Mike]

You get stuck and you're like, I gotta sneeze. I gotta get this out. And people say, look at a light. Right?

[Josh]

To stop it?

[Mike]

No, to make it, finish it. To make the sneeze come out.

[Jason]

It.

[Mike]

I don't get it.

[Jason]

Yeah, because I don't have.

[Mike]

Achoo.

[Josh]

It does say bright light, especially sunlight. So maybe, you know, if you grab a couple.

[Jason]

Sounds like 65 to 90% of people. That's not going to work for Jeremy.

[Mike]

Jeremy, the king of receipts tracked it down and he brought it up.

[Josh]

He brought this up on a liar liar episode 223. That's all true, right?

[Mike]

That was.

[Josh]

Yes.

[Mike]

That was a lifetime ago. I don't remember that.

[Josh]

Well, anyways, I won't remember this. Yeah, I guess if I sneeze in threes, I make nine bucks every time I sneeze.

[Mike]

That's not bad.

[Josh]

No, but I just don't like sneezing.

[Mike]

You will.

[Josh]

I guess I will when I need a Starbucks.

[Jason]

Well, and one moment, assuming keep in mind we've lived 40 years, how long we got left? You know what I mean?

[Josh]

Max of 40.

[Jason]

If I die at 60.

[Mike]

We can only hope.

[Jason]

It's. It's way better to take the 40.

[Mike]

Years worth of stuff.

[Josh]

No, because you get three here on out, brother.

[Jason]

Yeah, but interest I get. I can invest. Right now that you're investing in, you're.

[Josh]

Investing your sneeze cash for sure. You're not spending your sneeze cash.

[Mike]

I'm a spend that sneeze cash. No, like there's no tomorrow.

[Josh]

Come on, man.

[Mike]

I got infinite money.

[Jason]

I got to have 5,800 sneezes the rest of my Life just to break even. Not including interest makes no sense. Burden here.

[Josh]

Jordy, from the website. You are traveling to a destination that is a seven hour drive from your home. But for whatever hypothetical reason you want to come up with, it is a nine hour nonstop flight. Cost is not a factor. Would you rather fly nine hours or drive seven hours?

[Jason]

Huh?

[Josh]

Okay, I get this question because. Yeah, I do. Because we've never discussed this from a. Is flying just about a time savings or in some people's cases, you're not the one driving. You're not the one flying. Like you can sit there and do something to me.

[Jason]

I, I prefer flying over driving times a billion. I, I hate long roads.

[Josh]

So taking the longer flight.

[Jason]

No. And that's, that's the point.

[Josh]

Times a billion. You like it more times a billion.

[Mike]

Except for two hours difference, those two hours.

[Jason]

Absolutely not.

[Mike]

That's where I draw the line.

[Josh]

Not times a billion.

[Jason]

Okay. It was hyperbolic.

[Josh]

Agreed.

[Jason]

It was a little more than hyperbolic times a billion.

[Mike]

Okay, I way prefer two hours extra.

[Josh]

No.

[Mike]

What are you talking about, man? Two hours.

[Jason]

My point is, I am, of the three of us, I am certainly the prefer to fly guy. I don't have any fear of flying or anxiety. I also prefer the experience as opposed to sitting in a car for seven hours. I don't mind walking through security and then, you know, going to the airport bar, restaurant.

[Josh]

I think he takes a lot of.

[Mike]

Pride in this, Al.

[Josh]

Do you notice that?

[Jason]

Yeah, pride in what?

[Josh]

On being a flying guy.

[Jason]

Yeah, sure. I just can't wait to hear where you're going with this because it sounds.

[Josh]

Like you would prefer to fly. Yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

But at this. No.

[Mike]

But not to save two hours.

[Jason]

That's fun.

[Mike]

Are you kidding? I mean, yes, there's a laundry list of things that I love and enjoy about flying, but two hours?

[Jason]

Yeah, I want to see, I want.

[Mike]

To hear you redeem this.

[Jason]

My point is, I mean, I, I, I feel like I am taking crazy pills that you guys aren't understanding this. I like a lot of the things of flying more than driving. But if it takes longer in a one way flight and I have to sit for nine hours, all of those other things aren't worth it. Like the whole point of flying is that the time is broken up, the.

[Josh]

Time is shorter, even time. Seven hour flight, seven hour drive.

[Jason]

But it's a.

[Josh]

No, no.

[Jason]

I'm asking you if I've got a sit down. Oh, then a flight.

[Josh]

Seven hour flight. Seven hour drive.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Josh]

I would do the seven hour flight. Seven and A half hour or seven and a half hour flight?

[Jason]

Seven hours.

[Mike]

Where does it break?

[Jason]

I need clarification here. Okay, now real quick.

[Mike]

I'm a fly guy.

[Jason]

All I want to do is fly.

[Josh]

Times a billion.

[Jason]

Okay, so wait, you're being undone that security line.

[Mike]

I'mma go back and forth, back and forth.

[Jason]

Don't get me started on the peanuts.

[Mike]

Okay, so that $5 bottle of water. Oh my God. 10 of them.

[Josh]

What's the clarification you need on my 7 and a half versus 7?

[Jason]

I still have to go to the airport two hours early and do all of that rigamarole. Right?

[Josh]

Sure.

[Jason]

Then. Then I will take the drive first.

[Josh]

For a half an hour difference.

[Jason]

It's not half an hour difference now. It's two and a half hour difference.

[Josh]

It's the same as the 77 question. I'm just adding 30 minutes. The 7 7. You said rather fly.

[Jason]

But the question is I would rather be sitting in an airplane for seven hours straight than sitting in a car for seven hours.

[Josh]

Okay, that's. We'll do it that way. That's then yes, you appear in the. In the takeoff seat or you are in the car.

[Jason]

Yeah, I would prefer to be seven.

[Josh]

And a half or seven.

[Jason]

Yeah, seven and a half.

[Josh]

Eight or seven.

[Jason]

I would go. If it's a seven hour in a car, my number for in a flight would be probably 10, 10 hours.

[Josh]

You wait. This is a seven or nine question that you said you'd drive.

[Jason]

I am a fly guy. I don't know what is happening times a billion.

[Josh]

I. Yeah, look, I'm answering the drive. I like a good drive. I get a better snack selection. Jason knows. He doesn't know what the heck is happening. I can't believe he answered 10. I can't believe it.

[Jason]

It's amazing. It's incredible. Not a smart man.

[Mike]

Well, I just.

[Josh]

He spent so much time explaining in.

[Mike]

Some defense of Jason's like, that is.

[Josh]

The going to the airport.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Josh]

Oh, that is the worst part.

[Mike]

The stress of knowing I have to leave my house. And when you would. When you have three children and you're like, we have to be out the door at this time or I'm going to be having a panic attack all the way to the airport just to. That is weight and all that crap.

[Josh]

That is one of the. One of the conveniences of a road trip is 100%.

[Mike]

You leave when you want, go when.

[Josh]

You want to go. And it is a reason to do that.

[Mike]

It's fabulous.

[Josh]

I will say this. And for you know, it May come across as bougie or whatever you want to say. JSX is an airline.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, you're speaking, my lovely.

[Josh]

No, no, no, no, no. JSX is not a private airline.

[Mike]

It is a semi.

[Jason]

It's commercial.

[Josh]

It's a commercial airline that is walk on, walk off. You only have to show up 30 minutes earlier. And the reason I'm bringing it up is because Jason, literally, he's booking flights to go to Las Vegas. And the difference in price between JSX and a commercial flight was like.

[Jason]

It was 50 bucks a ticket.

[Josh]

It was 50 bucks a ticket.

[Mike]

That's wild.

[Josh]

Which is very small. And it is. It's a regional, smaller jet airline. But what I'm saying is that they revealed to you or to me, who doesn't? I don't like to go through security. I'm a guy that shows up early. It's just in my nature. I want to show up early, which means when I do the flight thing, I'm following the stupid two hour rule. And every single time I'm like, I'm going to do this in case I get a long line. And every single time I'm through security in five minutes and I'm sitting for an hour and 55 minutes.

[Jason]

And yet. And I know if you showed up one hour early, you'd miss your phone.

[Josh]

I can't not do it.

[Jason]

It would be the one day that the security line is long.

[Josh]

But so to me, I'd rather drive than spend four hours or three hours in an airport. Go through the parking at an airport, security at an airport, the people. Right. Like ever since, like, there's just. You're around a million people. I feel like I'm going to get sick at an airport or in an airplane. So if it's close to me, if you ask me that time if it's a five hour flight or a six hour drive, I take the drive.

[Jason]

Sure. I think the heart of this question really is do you prefer to fly or drive? And I prefer to fly now. Okay.

[Josh]

I mean, there's a lot of perks because, you know, it can be stressful to drive.

[Mike]

What if you're not driving?

[Jason]

That's better. That's way better. That's.

[Mike]

You're right. Your shotgun.

[Jason]

Yeah. That's why I would prefer an airplane seat to a car seat.

[Josh]

Cross state Ubers.

Or a train. If you could take a train.

[Mike]

Oh, give me the train. I wish we had trains.

[Josh]

Can we start trains up again?

[Jason]

Trains are awesome. I took one when I was in Europe. Trains rule and it's the only time I've ever been on a train in my life. Probably the only time I'll ever. It was amazing.

[Josh]

It was as good as I thought it'd be.

[Jason]

It was better than you think it's gonna be. I was just like, first of all.

[Josh]

You could have train robberies again.

[Mike]

Oh, that's your go to.

[Jason]

It's one of the important factors.

[Josh]

You don't want to be on a train, chilling out, looking at the scenery and hear the.

[Mike]

I don't think you can do them anymore.

[Jason]

Because the trains are too fast.

[Josh]

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe the horses are faster now.

[Jason]

Did they upgrade the horses? I think they'd have to be on motorcycles.

[Josh]

Okay. That's hilarious. Mental picture, Mad Max.

[Mike]

That'd be sick. Like I.

[Jason]

The difference is when you get off your horse. When you get off your horse, when you're robbing a train, the horse doesn't fall down.

That's. That's kind of the.

[Josh]

It keeps running next to you.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Josh]

It can kind of autonomous motorcycle. We're fine.

[Mike]

I have such a romanticized idea of. Of trains that. So my. My wife and I next year are.

[Jason]

We're.

[Josh]

It's our.

[Mike]

It's 20. 20 anniversary. 20 year anniversary.

[Jason]

If you get there. Yeah.

[Mike]

If I may. Of course.

[Josh]

Thank you. Well, it hasn't happened. You don't want to go on the.

[Mike]

Cart in front of the horse.

[Jason]

Right.

[Mike]

Motorcycle and car in front of the motorcycle. One of the ideas I floated was a legit like a week long train ride.

[Josh]

Bro.

[Mike]

That'd be so week long train starting.

[Jason]

Vacation is the train.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's like start in LA and then you take the train to like Chicago.

[Josh]

Can you do that?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

They have trains in America?

[Mike]

Yeah, we do, man.

[Josh]

Are they steam engines or are they just more like they're new?

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Jason]

They're gonna be new.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Josh]

But it's like, you can do this.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'm.

[Josh]

Sounds amazing.

[Mike]

I am literally looking into it right now, bro.

[Josh]

I got my 20th coming up. Let me know. Two for one. Deal.

[Jason]

But I heard what you said you'd have to start in la. There's no train here.

[Mike]

I think. I think they said you can go up north to like Flagstaff or something. I get the train from there.

[Josh]

I got word that somebody's taking. See, I know that the east coast has trains.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

But you're all next to each other.

[Jason]

But that's not a lot of those trains. Those are basically subways like they call. Oh, I take the train.

[Mike]

And these ones like you can get yourself a nice car. See the country, like they got Hogwarts Express. They got the food cart, they got the drink cart.

[Josh]

You sleep on it.

[Mike]

Oh yeah, yeah, you sleep in there.

And the idea of that to me sounds so incredible.

[Josh]

It does. Because it's one of the things that is it great. I don't know about the driving is the scenery. If you do a road trip, but then you got to drive and you got a plan. But if a train is on a.

[Jason]

Track, the week in a train, I think you'd be. I mean you've got a small little cabin, right?

[Mike]

Well, you can get a decent sized one. Yeah.

[Jason]

It can't be wider than the train. I'm positive.

[Josh]

Pop outs.

[Jason]

Yeah. Like an rv.

[Josh]

Yeah.

Just pull it in before the tunnel.

[Jason]

I totally get the idea of this is going to take you everywhere and you get to see incredible scenery. Can I tell you guys about a cruise? Okay. Because you get to see the most incredible scenery and it takes you everywhere. Except whenever you're bored.

[Josh]

Or take me to the Rocky Mountains.

[Jason]

Whenever you're bored in your room, you can go have fun.

[Josh]

It sounds bad.

[Mike]

Yeah. Okay, but hold on. Is the train on the ocean? No.

[Jason]

Is there a casino in the train maybe? No.

[Mike]

Yeah, probably not actually.

[Jason]

Exactly. Can't be on land laws.

[Mike]

Okay. Casino.

[Josh]

There's no international tracks.

[Mike]

Are we on international land right now? In between states.

[Josh]

So would you go, Jason, just so I know. Seven hour drive, eight hour train ride.

[Jason]

Seven hour drive, eight hour train ride. Oh, definitely. Train ride.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Ten hour flight. Ten hour train ride.

[Mike]

Train. Not even close.

[Jason]

I would definitely take a train over a plane.

[Josh]

I mean, if the time savings isn't there, then you're saying the experience is.

[Jason]

The experience is so much better.

[Josh]

You can, can you get sick on a train?

[Jason]

I mean, you can get sick in the studio.

[Josh]

No, I don't.

[Mike]

No.

[Josh]

You're motion sick.

[Mike]

No, dude, even better. Like the train does like a. And not a. Not an ocean back.

[Josh]

I thought you were a fly guy.

[Mike]

But it's like a tiny. Almost rocky to sleep.

[Josh]

It sounds good and then it sounds.

[Jason]

Great and you can, you can get up.

[Josh]

You thought the last segment was gonna age us.

[Jason]

We're talking trains. Well, we've never been on a train. It's not like, oh, I miss when we grew up on the trains.

[Josh]

True, true, true.

[Jason]

But yeah, the fact that you can stand up and walk between cars and experience. Like, like the train I was on had a, had a, like cafe area. You walk. Yeah.

[Mike]

There's a food cart.

[Josh]

You have to go between carts and stand on the little metal piece holding it.

[Mike]

You have to jump.

[Jason]

I really hope. I really, genuinely hoped so. I wanted. I wanted it to be like, you are in. Open to your hat.

[Mike]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jason]

But there was none.

[Mike]

No, but it's all covered. Right.

[Josh]

Well, great conversation.

[Jason]

And I couldn't even find a place, like, where you could get out the top of the train to walk on the train like you see so often do.

[Mike]

Like a Mission Impossible.

[Josh]

Yeah. And then you lay down at the tunnel. Raj from Patreon, you survived a shipwreck as an infant, but unfortunately. Unfortunately, your parents did not.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

And how did I survive?

[Josh]

Would you rather be found and raised.

[Mike]

Because you were small enough by a band of gorillas?

[Josh]

Tarzan or a pack of wolves?

[Mike]

Yeah, exactly. Have you seen Tarzan?

[Josh]

You will live with your new animal family until the age of 15 when you are finally rescued by a group of human explorers.

[Mike]

Is there. There's got to be a story of a.

[Josh]

This is George in the jungle.

[Mike]

Yeah, but who was raised by wolves.

[Josh]

I wonder if there's got to be a seed of truth to one of those, right?

[Mike]

I think so. I've heard some story.

[Josh]

So somebody that, like, was in a plane crash and lived out there in.

[Jason]

The wild, and I think there was a story of a girl, a real story, who was basically gone for two years and was taken care of by wolves or something like that. I would have to look that up. It might be made up, but I believe it's true.

[Mike]

That was Mowgli.

[Josh]

Yeah. You're thinking of Baloo. That helped raise him.

So what are the benefits of? I feel like. I feel like in my mind, wolves are like a. Like a thicker, like, better friends, like a tighter group of interesting. Like, I feel like a pack of wolves is tighter than a group of gorillas.

[Jason]

That's because they go in packs or something.

[Mike]

So do gorillas.

[Josh]

And you're all a pack of gorillas.

[Mike]

I think it. Is it a pod? Josh?

[Jason]

I like dolphins.

[Mike]

You know, animals.

[Jason]

I like dolphins.

[Josh]

A band of gorillas.

[Mike]

A band of. Okay, there we go. That's pretty cool. Even better.

[Jason]

Yeah. You want to be in a pack or you want to be in a band? I want to be in a band.

[Mike]

You're literally in the gorillas.

[Josh]

The band.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

What skills do you want more? What do gorillas teach you versus what?

[Jason]

This is simple. Where am I? Do I have to be on the ground at all times because I'm a wolf? No, I want to climb up these trees like a gorilla.

[Mike]

That's Monkeys.

[Josh]

You're thinking of monkeys.

[Jason]

Gorillas can climb trees.

[Josh]

A fly guy.

[Mike]

Of course a gorilla could climb a.

[Josh]

Tree, but they don't.

[Jason]

Wait, who raised Tarzan?

[Mike]

Gorillas.

[Jason]

Case closed. Case closed.

[Josh]

Gorilla.

[Jason]

This is fictional. This is a fictional question. I'm living in a fictional world. Question. This is. I'm an infant surviving a plane crash and I'm raised by gorillas or wolves in that world. Those are the cartoons.

[Josh]

Yes. Gorillas can climb trees. Yeah. The young girl. Young gorillas will climb for food, to play or build nests. It is not common. Not common for male adults to climb due to their large size.

[Jason]

Now me as a young human following the other young. I'm not doing what dad gorillas doing. I'm doing what young boy gorillas.

[Josh]

But you're gonna eat a lot of like if you want to eat meat, you want to be with the wolves.

[Mike]

Gorillas.

[Josh]

Gorillas are gonna eat a lot of.

[Jason]

Like I'm a herbivore.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Or I'm an omnivore. Right.

[Josh]

You're gonna eat a lot of fruit. I think gorillas are omni.

[Jason]

I think they're omni.

[Josh]

They eat some meat, but they eat a lot of. I believe they eat a lot of like fruits and veggies.

[Jason]

Well. And humans need that. Do you see a lot of wolves eating?

[Josh]

I just know you like foraging for berries. You like your steak?

[Jason]

I do like my steak. Gorillas can eat steak too. I get all if I'm a gorilla.

[Mike]

But to be accepted by the wolves, are you going to have to be quadratel?

[Jason]

Yes. And I actually think there was something about that story of the girl who was. I don't remember if it was wolves or like a wild pack of dogs. Jarrett, see if you can find this. It was wild dogs. I know who you're talking about. Okay. Yeah. And I think when she was found later she was like mostly on all fours. So I think if you're with the wolves, you are hands on the ground.

[Josh]

I've got some food related numbers for you. Percentage of diet for gorillas, that is meat, 3%.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Josh]

Percentage for wolves, 70%.

[Jason]

What's the other 30%?

[Mike]

Wait, what are they, what are they eating at 30%?

[Jason]

I don't know. You got. You're looking it up. I don't know.

[Josh]

This is from americanwolves.com.

What, what do wolves eat?

[Mike]

Wolves eat other stuff.

[Josh]

Apparently they eat.

[Mike]

They getting some foliage in there.

[Josh]

Spring diet.

I don't know. Beavers, rabbits, mice. That's all meat.

[Jason]

Wolves are carnivores.

[Josh]

Spring will bring fruits and vegetables 70% of the time.

[Jason]

70%, yeah.

[Josh]

Fruits and vegetables for some of the spring.

[Jason]

Really?

[Josh]

Yeah. And. But mostly meat. I'm just saying, if you want 3% meat, then go ahead.

[Mike]

Probably about 70%.

[Josh]

Yeah, I like the 70. I'm going to go wolves. I want to be able to howl at the moon.

[Jason]

And howling is cool. That's the first good thing you've said.

[Mike]

Our gorillas, like, they have. They got to have like the leader.

[Josh]

They beat their chests.

[Mike]

Yeah, they do that and they challenge. But it's like there's got to be a leader of the gorilla pack.

[Josh]

Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

Alpha gorilla.

[Mike]

Do you have to try to become the alpha gorilla at some point?

[Josh]

Can you just be submissive from the.

[Mike]

Beginning or do you just like. Cause lions, you win. I thought with lions, like there's one and if you don't win, you're out. You got to go find your own pride to be a part of. And wolves are like the, like, wolves like take turns being in charge.

[Josh]

One gorilla perk would be how long they live. If you want, if you have a good relationship with them, they live longer than the wolves do. I mean, I know you're not a gorilla or a wolf, but like your family would be around longer, your gorilla family. Right.

I'm going, I'm taking wolves. They're cooler.

[Mike]

I'm going.

[Josh]

Which one's cooler?

[Mike]

That's a good question.

[Jason]

Which one is cooler?

[Josh]

Yeah, which one's cooler?

[Jason]

A gorilla is cooler.

[Mike]

I think a gorilla is cooler.

[Josh]

So same.

[Jason]

Who would win in a fight?

[Josh]

Okay.

[Jason]

The gorilla.

[Josh]

Real quick, same question. You could, every time you snap your fingers, you could turn into that animal. You'd choose gorilla?

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, that's easy. That's easy peasy.

[Josh]

I mean, I could run like the wind if I was a wolf.

[Jason]

I think you'd be surprised how fast a gorilla could run if he wanted to.

[Mike]

Check on americangorilla.com.

They gotta be real fast. They got, they got. We gotta be 20 mile an hour here.

[Josh]

Wolves are 36 to 38, so eat that.

[Mike]

Yeah, but can they climb trees?

[Jason]

Yeah. Can they climb a tree?

[Josh]

No.

[Jason]

And can they pick things up with their thumbs?

[Josh]

No, they can't.

[Jason]

Could they grab another wolf and pick him up and throw him? No, but my gorilla could.

[Mike]

With the mouth you could.

[Josh]

One gorilla is beating one wolf. I know that. Let's take a break and then we'll get into. Is this real life?

[Jason]

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[Jason]

Is this real life? All right, let's get back to the gorillas.

[Josh]

Well, let me ask the producers. I wanted to know which they would pick. If you had to be raised by gorillas or wolves, what would you select? We got Al Borland. We have Papa Josh. Which one would you go with? It's easy. Gorillas for me. Yeah.

[Jason]

Gorillas.

[Josh]

Both went. Gorillas.

[Jason]

Do you remember the question that was massively viral and popular of who would win in a fight? 100 humans.

[Mike]

Yeah. Or the one gorilla or one gorilla?

[Josh]

Was it 100?

[Jason]

Yeah. And now imagine that question with 100 humans or one wolf. Like, I'll grab his back. Left leg.

[Josh]

Oh. It's more about what's fun. Like if you had to choose between a wolf or, I don't know, a falcon. Which one are you choosing?

[Mike]

Falcon.

[Josh]

Yeah, but the wolf's gonna eat the falcon if they fought.

[Jason]

Good luck catching the falcon. What a dumb example.

[Josh]

You're not gonna catch the wolf.

[Jason]

I'm not sure if you're raised by falcons that you just learned to fly.

[Josh]

No, no.

[Jason]

That wasn't very short life.

[Josh]

I said to turn into them like the beast.

[Mike]

Just go off the cliff, son.

[Jason]

You gotta jump to age. Push them out of the nest. Time to leave the nest.

[Josh]

All right. Is this real life? We've each picked up three news stories that we saw that we said to ourselves, my goodness, is this real life? Mine is. Motorists in North Carolina tells 91 1, I just had a bald eagle Drop a cat through my windshield.

And there is a picture that comes along with it, which I'll share to you guys in the channel. You guys can look the story.

[Mike]

How are you sure it was an eagle?

[Josh]

Well, the phone call said, this is what they said on the 911 call. Quote, you may not believe me, but I just had a bald eagle drop a cat through my windshield. The incredulous driver said, did the cat survive?

[Mike]

No, there's no.

[Josh]

I don't think so.

[Mike]

Based off of this photo. This is not what happened.

[Jason]

Did the bald eagle come to eat its prey?

[Josh]

I hope not. It's not clear if the feline slipped from the eagle's talons or was discarded because the big bird didn't have a taste for it.

[Mike]

The cat didn't do this?

[Jason]

No, it didn't not have a taste for it. That's how it kills its animals.

[Josh]

Well, I think there's pretty good proof if you find a cat in your car afterwards.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'm looking at the size of this hole in this windshield. There's just. There's no way.

[Josh]

Well, here. Moving on to the rest of the cat.

[Jason]

A mountain lion.

[Josh]

Another. Another question. The dispatcher asked, is the cat still alive?

[Jason]

Oh.

[Josh]

But the answer was no. Although it did break the windshield and then was on to the side of the road. And the dispatcher said, I have to ask just to make sure.

[Mike]

Wait, how did the cat get to the side of the road?

[Jason]

I think it bounced.

[Josh]

It bounced?

[Jason]

I think it shattered and bounced.

[Josh]

It did.

[Mike]

You're telling me it bounced off this windshield, caused a hole that's probably at least 2ft in diameter?

[Jason]

Yeah, that's what I'm telling you.

[Josh]

What is the world telling you, though? When that happens to you, you're having a normal day. This is like the person.

[Mike]

I'm telling you, this man's a liar.

[Josh]

This is like the person who was. Who was tending to their garden in the United Kingdom and just had a normal day just tending to their garden, pulling their vegetables. Beautiful day outside. And the airliner that flew above them dropped their poop and it just doused the whole house in human excrement. That's a bad day for no reason.

[Mike]

We got an insurance situation going on.

[Josh]

Would you rather this happen to you for the story the rest of your life?

[Jason]

No, no, no, because some stories are.

[Josh]

Cat'S not worth the story nightmares.

[Jason]

I'd be afraid to drive now. I'd be like driving, going, no, you.

[Mike]

Wouldn'T, because this guy made it all up for fraud.

[Josh]

What if the legal Drop the gorilla. Would that be worth it?

[Mike]

Then maybe that hole could have appeared.

[Josh]

It's a pretty big hole.

[Mike]

A cat's not doing that.

[Josh]

You're not buying it.

[Jason]

No.

[Josh]

You think someone's.

[Mike]

A cat lands on its feet, you.

[Josh]

Think they're looking for. Oh, that's true.

[Jason]

There should be four holes and it should be stuck in there. See? Yeah, that's a good point.

[Mike]

There's this. This is not true.

[Jason]

I'm starting.

[Mike]

Someone cast a huge check.

[Josh]

Someone hit a person.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Josh]

And said an eagle dropped a person.

[Jason]

You're not gonna believe this. 9, 1, 1. But there's a cat. Something fly. Yeah. Drop the cat. Cat drop.

[Mike]

Totally unrelated. My husband's missing. There's a body about two feet from my car. It was there when I pulled over.

[Jason]

All right, I'll bring up the next story because mine deals with a car as well.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Florida man driving Cadillac from the sunroof. We'll stop there.

[Mike]

Wait, wait, hold on. Say it again.

[Jason]

Florida man driving his Cadillac from his sunroof. So he is on the freeway. He's on the freeway going over 100 miles per hour at times. Stand. There's a photograph of him standing out.

[Mike]

Oh, he's standing.

[Jason]

He is standing up out of his sunroof.

[Mike]

Does he have a big stick or something?

[Jason]

No, the car had autopilot. So he is on autopilot and he is literally doing the Titanic.

[Mike]

He's doing the Teen Wolf.

[Jason]

Oh, he is doing.

[Mike]

He's doing Teen Wolf.

[Jason]

He actually did it even more because the officer said that he saw him get out and sit on top of the car as well.

[Josh]

Come on, dude.

[Jason]

Now there's two.

[Josh]

You're gonna ruin autopilot for all of us.

[Jason]

Two other parts of this story. I mean, I don't know. He might have proved that autopilot's just fine because he didn't get an accident. I mean, he didn't. He survived.

So 1. This man is 70 years old. That is a.

[Mike]

Hold on, hold on.

[Jason]

Twist in this story.

[Josh]

That is a very. Now I understand. Because if. You know.

[Mike]

But.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, but he's done.

[Mike]

You're telling me a 70 year old man lived a good life. The dexterity and the agility to get on the roof of a driving car.

[Jason]

I think what he had was the motivation. And here it is.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Florida man driving Cadillac from sunroof says he'd rather go to jail than back to his wife. Oh, my goodness. That's what he was doing.

[Josh]

Wow.

[Jason]

His way out was getting arrested.

[Mike]

Sir. Rob a bank.

[Jason]

Yeah, I Know, because there's way more upside. It's a win win.

[Josh]

Just needed a little break.

[Jason]

You got.

[Mike]

I mean, either you go to jail.

[Jason]

Or you got a bunch of bank robbery prisoners. Does it matter how much?

[Josh]

It matters a lot. Whether you pulled a weapon.

[Mike]

Yeah. You can't go armed.

[Jason]

Okay, let's say unarmed. I'm just curious. Unarmed, no arms anywhere.

[Mike]

It's really difficult to do it that way.

[Jason]

Anywhere between. Yeah. Thank you. Anywhere between. We'll call it two hundred thousand and a million dollars. Jared, look this up with AI or something. Unarmed between two hundred thousand and a million dollars. How long can you go to prison?

[Josh]

You're going for a while, brother, but.

[Jason]

That'S what I. I don't know if.

[Josh]

This is 10 years. Five to 10 years.

[Jason]

Five to 10 years.

[Josh]

That might be worth it if you didn't hurt somebody.

[Jason]

Right? Right.

[Josh]

Yeah. No hurting, no weapons.

[Jason]

No, I.

[Mike]

What are the rules?

[Josh]

I don't know if the amount of money matters as much as.

[Jason]

I'm sure there's a threshold where.

[Josh]

Really, you think I can go in there and, like, if I.

[Jason]

If you robbed a thousand dollars, you're not going to jail for 50 years, huh?

[Mike]

What are the rules? Like pretending that to have a gun.

[Jason]

They're. They. They frown on that.

[Josh]

No, I said gum. I said bubble gum. No, but.

[Mike]

But I mean, you know, like, because.

[Jason]

I have a gum.

[Josh]

It.

I have some gum.

[Jason]

Check the tape. I said gum. I was tell. And I had gum. I told no lies.

[Mike]

Yeah, because if you.

[Josh]

I don't know why they gave me all that money.

[Mike]

If you perform a robbery with a weapon, it's considered worse in terms of your punishment. What if you just. You have the hand in the pocket, so you're like, yeah, I have a gun. But that turns out you don't.

[Jason]

Right.

[Mike]

What rule do you.

[Josh]

That feels like. What do they call that? Menacing. Ooh, that feels like menacing. But do you have any answers?

[Mike]

Do you get charged with a weapon or not? If you say you have one, it.

[Jason]

Looks like probably 10 to 15.

[Mike]

Oh, that's a long time.

[Jason]

Five to 10 felt a lot better than 10 to 15, but 10 to 15 feels a lot better than 50, so.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay, there we got it.

[Josh]

All right. Well, this poor chap has a bad marriage. Go on, Mike.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

In a good car.

[Mike]

So mine's about a story in Virginia.

[Jason]

If you do it via embezzlement. For the record, it's shorter. Oh.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. White collar.

[Jason]

Probably like three to eight.

[Josh]

I'm reading this federal thing. It's like up to 20 years without a weapon. Up to 25 if you put a person's life in jeopardy. A five year gap between no weapon and weapon.

[Jason]

That feels inappropriate.

[Josh]

I'm going to use a weapon in that case.

[Mike]

I feel like I'd be weaponized.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Not that I would.

[Jason]

No, we do not. We're not condoning no bank robbery politically.

[Josh]

When the trains come back, I'll get back into bank robbery.

[Jason]

Well, that's not a bank robbery.

[Josh]

I just feel like they belong in the same era though. Oh yeah, real good bank robbery. Because bank robbing back in the, in the train days, it was like, did that person. Do you have them right now? No, they're free.

[Mike]

Are they in your line of sight? Yeah, they're gone forever.

[Jason]

Bank robbery used to be like, you go to a bank, now there's a legitimate. Yeah, it really was like, what do you want to be when you grow up? A bank robber. A famous one. But the banks had the money back then. Now it's like, sir, we have five grand here.

[Mike]

We don't have the cash.

[Jason]

It's all electronic.

[Josh]

Yeah, I thought about that going into. There's like a chicken and pickle place, this huge facility. It's fully cashless. You can't steal anything from them, man. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

You can get some.

[Josh]

What are you laughing at?

[Jason]

Just the way you said it, it's like you thought this out. Well, I can't even rob.

[Josh]

It's because they put it in a big sign in the front of their building and it makes me think, do they do that to dissuade anybody from trying to steal from them?

[Mike]

I think they're just telling the cash people.

[Josh]

Yeah, that's what.

[Jason]

Go away.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Jason]

Grow up.

[Josh]

Get a credit card. Which is weird.

[Mike]

Like, dude, when you go to a place that's like cash only, I mean, just, just say crimes are being committed here.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Police, please investigate.

[Josh]

In almost all jurisdictions, pretending to have a gun equals legally treated the exact same as having one.

[Mike]

That was my guess because it makes.

[Josh]

Victims believe their life is in danger.

[Jason]

But I can't imagine.

[Mike]

And that's how it should be.

[Jason]

But I agree with some of the charges. But I don't think you could.

[Josh]

Times a billion.

[Jason]

I don't think you could tack on like attempted murder or whatever, you know what I mean?

[Josh]

That won't be. I would want to find whatever crimes you could do that get you sent to the nice prison, you know what I mean? That's all that white fucking like Martha Stewart's prison. I would like, figure that out.

[Jason]

Art thieves.

[Josh]

If you take art, you don't go to bad prison.

[Jason]

Correct.

[Mike]

What was the Pierce Brosnan movie?

[Josh]

Mike, you can't reference movies. We won't.

[Mike]

Thomas Crown Affair. Thank you, Josh. Yeah, it's a Thomas Crownford thing.

[Jason]

It's a pretty old movie.

[Mike]

I mean, this guy should have tried.

[Josh]

To get Stewart Prison. That's all I'm saying. All right, what do you got?

[Mike]

Shop owner in Virginia shows up to work, goes inside and he finds that there's. The shop is in disarray. There are bottles of booze just smashed all over the ground. And they're like, you know, certainly somebody broke in here. Yeah, you're like, oh, crap, we got robbed. Like, they vandalized. What's going on here? And as they're checking out the damage, they end up in the bathroom and right next to the toilet is a passed out drunk raccoon.

[Jason]

Wow.

[Josh]

All right, plot twist A.

[Mike]

The raccoon had fallen through the ceiling and apparently after a bender. No, no, this is before. Oh, like it came through the ceiling.

[Josh]

That's how it ended up in there.

[Mike]

Yeah. And then it just went to town, started doing raccoon things and breaking some. Breaking some bottles and then wanted to sample the wares.

[Josh]

I never think able to get drunk.

[Mike]

They can.

[Josh]

And so this.

[Mike]

They got brains.

[Josh]

They had a passed out raccoon that got drunk and wrecked the place.

[Mike]

Yeah. Local officials said he was, quote, very drunk.

[Jason]

Oh, that's funny.

[Josh]

Wow. Okay. I didn't know that raccoons were capable of such things.

[Mike]

And so they said that they needed to. They took him away and they said, probably an ipa. We need to. So he needs to sober up before questioning.

[Josh]

Oh, come on. Ridiculous. All right, we'll take a break and we'll draft.

[Mike]

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[Jason]

The Spitballers draft.

[Josh]

All right, we are drafting the best night with the boys. You pick a movie, you pick a video game, you pick a snack, and you pick an album to listen to.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

If you need to go back in time a little bit, I understand. I can't remember the last time. Well, it was before I had kids. So.

What are you going to pick? Jason? You got the first pick. Obviously we got to pick.

[Jason]

I do.

[Josh]

Four different categories.

[Mike]

We got strategy here.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

We probably don't have overlap, but you never know.

[Jason]

Hmm.

[Josh]

I.

[Jason]

You know what? I'm going to start with the video game.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

And I'm going to do that because I would be the most sad if this one were to be picked. And I could see it being on the list at least when I'm.

[Mike]

It's civilization, isn't it, you nerd.

[Jason]

See, that's not for hanging out with the boys. That's for. That's for. I'm going to disappear for two weeks and you won't see me. Now this is. This, that's the point is that this has to be a social game.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

This has to be a game where you're competing against each other. Maybe you're doing some kind of tournament or. You know, I am world class bad at first person shooters, so that's out for me.

[Josh]

You're not doing Call of Duty.

[Jason]

Exactly. And I want to throw back and I want a throwback game.

[Mike]

Best field game of all time per Jason Moore.

[Jason]

So for me, Time Zoo Billion. I'm going NBA Jam.

[Mike]

Oh, okay.

[Jason]

I'm going Boom Shock.

[Josh]

Yeah, it was on my list.

[Jason]

On fire. That's the one that I think would have. We just have a blast. The boys would be having fun. We'd put up some kind of big tournament, you know, bracket, and then find out who's best. Thank you.

[Mike]

There we go.

[Josh]

Okay, so this is interesting because that was on the list. It wasn't on the top of my video game list. I thought about going back to back with the video game thing, but I think I have two. I'm kind of fine with there.

So I might turn to the snack department right now.

[Jason]

I was confused by this category.

[Josh]

Okay, I'm going pizza rolls.

[Mike]

Pizza rolls is on my list.

[Josh]

Not pizza. Pizza rolls. I'm going pizza rolls because I need. I'm going back in time here. Just pop them in the microwave, maybe the oven. And that seems like a night out.

[Jason]

The 101 for me in this entire draft for sure would have been just pizza. Yeah, I didn't know if that counted as a weak.

[Josh]

We were saying pizza would not count.

[Mike]

But you know what counts? Pizza rolls.

[Jason]

Yeah, sure.

[Mike]

You could have gone pizza bagels.

[Jason]

Yeah, but.

[Josh]

Yeah, because when pizza's on bagels. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

You can eat pizza anytime.

[Jason]

But I'm just thinking, like, if the boys are coming over, you're getting pizza, you're getting pizza.

[Josh]

This is something that maybe, like, I.

[Jason]

Had pizza rolls with my pizza, you know?

[Josh]

No, maybe your mom's like, hey, guys, you want a snack?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And then you're like, yeah. And she's like, I'll throw some pizza rolls on for you. Thanks, Ma. That's. I'm going pizza rolls.

[Jason]

Gotcha.

[Josh]

Mike, you are up two picks, though.

[Mike]

I got the two picks. So you went with snack. Jason went with a video game man. So we are. Okay, I'm going to start. I'm going to go with the movie first.

And it was harder to narrow it down, but.

I'm going Happy Gilmore.

[Josh]

Okay, so you went funny.

[Mike]

Yeah, we're going with the comedy. And all four of us are going to recite every single line of the movie. Or maybe we might take turns, but at some point, at least one person in the room will be reciting the lines along with the film. That's right, the film.

[Josh]

That's right, the film.

[Mike]

The themed best picture, Happy Gilmore. And then album.

[Josh]

I thought you'd go album.

[Mike]

I mean, it's. It was the first one that came to mind because there's a lot of. There's a lot of great contenders here, but nothing says 90s hanging out with the boys to me. Like Blink 182, Enema of the State.

[Jason]

When you.

[Mike]

Which is. It is perfect. It is a perfect album from. From. From beginning to end. It is nothing but perfection.

[Jason]

It's a great album. I know you are a monstrous Blink 182 fan, but when you were talking about hanging out with the boys and, like, having a party and the 90s and the first sound out of your mouth was a beat. I thought you were going Beastie Boys. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

No, no, we were on the list.

[Jason]

Is that on your list?

[Mike]

We were pop punk. Thought we were cool Rebel guys, but no. Blink182, enemy of the State. Goodness gracious, what an album.

[Josh]

All right, I'm back on the clock. I am going to go a different direction. I want bullets on the screen. So I'm going Die Hard. I'm taking Die Hard.

[Jason]

I thought for sure that'd be Mike's pick.

[Mike]

It was the first thing I wrote down, but then I was like, nah, that if we're hanging out with the guys, we're going to want to watch it.

[Josh]

It's got the one liners in it. There's a lot of.

[Mike]

Die Hard is the greatest movie of all time.

[Josh]

Some comedy. It's great. I'm going to go Die Hard with my pizza rolls.

[Jason]

Yeah. That makes it sounds awesome.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

So far so good. You're all invited.

[Jason]

That makes sense. You know, when I first was putting together my list, a lot of movies that you know, seem like, cool, great. You know my favorite movie all time. Braveheart. That's not a good one for maybe Gladiator. Braveheart. No, no, no. That's the point I'm making. It's not.

[Josh]

Gladiator's a little better.

[Jason]

Gladiator's a little better, but it's still not. And then I got to like, maybe you want something more cool like a John Wick.

[Josh]

Yep.

[Jason]

And then I just realized, like, I'm not doing any of the. I'm not doing action movies.

[Josh]

You're going comedy.

[Jason]

It's gotta be funny. We're together to laugh.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And so then I was like, well then how about the Hangover? It's great. It's funny. An all timer. But I realized like, you know, I've seen that a couple times and I started thinking, I want a movie like this won't be on your guys list. I want a movie that I want to watch again. I haven't seen it in so long and I just remember it was hysterical. And.

I think it would be fun if we all got together right now. I think we'd have a blast. Throwing on Tropic Thunder.

[Mike]

Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Jason]

You know, if you're gonna.

[Mike]

Yeah, you're gonna go down.

[Jason]

You gotta throw back. Movies can't make anymore. Yeah. So that would, that would be one of my. I got two picks right now. Right.

[Mike]

That's problematic. Oh, oh, that's problematic.

[Jason]

Yeah, the whole movie. So yeah, movie night with the boys. We will be playing NBA Jam, watching Tropic Thunder, and we are going to be snacking.

This is. This is such a weird one.

[Josh]

You're having trouble with snack versus meal?

[Jason]

Well, yeah, because everything I want is a meal. Like I want like you can eat snacks. I want like raisin canes, you know, pizza. I know it's not a snack. So then I'm between two actual snacks and I'm just gonna pick what I want. The heart wants of the heart wants. This is a weird one.

[Mike]

That is the game.

[Jason]

We're going to have endless beef jerky.

[Mike]

We're going to have beef jerky.

[Jason]

We're going to have tons of. Everyone gets their own bag of old Trapper. Not a sponsor. Should be a sponsor. Beef jerky. Everyone gets their own bag. I get two.

[Mike]

I had a buddy.

[Josh]

Beef jerky is a good pick.

[Mike]

Growing up.

[Josh]

Nothing wrong with that.

[Mike]

And him and his dad would make beef jerky.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Mike]

Holy crap.

[Josh]

From all the neighborhood cats.

[Mike]

Well, I mean, I didn't ask what was in it.

[Josh]

Now beef jerky is a good pick, Jay. Nothing to be ashamed of there. That's great pick. So you got NBA Jam, Tropic Thunder and some beef jerky as a snack.

[Jason]

Man, this sounds like a fun.

[Josh]

Mike hasn't picked a video game yet. The thing is, is I have two that I'm totally fine with.

[Mike]

Same.

[Josh]

And so then you can't hurt me.

[Jason]

No matter who you are.

[Josh]

So wait, do. I already did my movie. I already did my snacks.

[Mike]

I mean, no, I have only one video game.

[Josh]

All right, listen, my, my, my album.

I don't know why this is what I want to play, but this is what I want to play.

[Jason]

Lifehouse.

Oh, that got him. That was an uppercut.

[Josh]

It's just the worst thing you could ever put on for a boys night. Come on guys, let's go.

No. Quite whatever the opposite of Lifehouse is. I'm going Credence Clearwater Revival, Willie and the Poor Boys. I'm getting the Vietnam style music playing CCR going Fortunate son on the radio.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Josh]

I'm going. Some folks are born. I may wave the flag. Come on over, boys.

[Mike]

I, I am. I'm going to shock and I love it.

[Josh]

That's what I'm going with.

[Mike]

It's just cr.

[Josh]

Yeah, yeah, that seems like a good time. That's where I'm going. Mike, you are back. You got to pick your video game. You get to pick yours.

[Mike]

I got my Video game snack. Snack.

[Jason]

Some folks a ball.

[Mike]

It's not flashy. It just gets the job done. It's one of the. It's still my kind of go to chip snack. I'm taking the Doritos. Just nacho cheese. Just look, it's a little plain Jane of a pick.

[Josh]

That's fine.

[Mike]

But you know what? It gives the job done.

[Josh]

No, no, no. I mean, you're. What's nice there is nacho cheese. You've got something.

[Mike]

Doritos. Nacho cheese.

[Josh]

Where your fingers. Now all that grease gets on the control.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Josh]

On the controller, which I.

[Jason]

That was.

[Josh]

That's a key part of the.

[Mike]

Definitely a problem.

[Josh]

The boys night.

[Jason]

It's a real. Yeah, it's. That's a real issue. I was between. I was maybe gonna go chips and dip, but I didn't know how many dips you guys would let me have. See, and that's the problem.

[Mike]

Unless you said chips and dips. Ooh. If you said dips, then we can't fight you.

[Josh]

Chips and dips would have been solid.

[Jason]

Chips and dips would have been great because I want a whole spread. I want, like, ruffles. You could have had it with sour cream. You know, the French onion sour cream. But then I want chips and salsa with tortillas. I should have gone chips and dips.

[Mike]

Chips and dips. Why is it. Why is it always chips and dip and not chips and dips?

[Jason]

Yeah. Because a lot of times it is dips, but when you have dips, you don't call them dips. You say, I got chips and dip. Weird.

[Josh]

All right, let's not overanalyze that one.

[Mike]

And my video game with the two picks.

[Josh]

I feel like I know who wrote Doritos into the. Into our show.

[Mike]

Doc, that's what I said.

[Josh]

Is that what Al did? Is it Doritos with an apostrophe s?

[Mike]

Oh, I don't know.

[Josh]

I don't know.

[Mike]

Does Dorito own something?

[Josh]

Yeah, because I just thought that looked ridiculous.

[Mike]

Dorito. Yeah.

[Jason]

There's no apostrophe.

[Josh]

That's why I thought it was so silly.

[Jason]

Those chips.

[Josh]

Sorry.

[Mike]

It's, like, got Reese's.

[Josh]

All right.

[Mike]

My pieces.

[Josh]

Your video game. Like I said, I had two, so I'm wondering if you'll take one of my two or not.

[Mike]

I'm trying to think of.

Man, the best times with the bros. Yeah.

[Josh]

This is where. This is where I. I struggle. I feel like I'm just going to talk about it. I feel like I thought you were going to your. Your Go to would probably be Super Smash Brothers.

[Mike]

It's on the list.

[Josh]

I'm very torn, but I didn't know.

[Mike]

If you go back further, I'm torn between really three. No, the best times. The best times with the bros. It's Perfect Dark.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Mike]

It was Perfect Dark. Yeah, look. Goldeneye. Great.

[Josh]

That's the pick on my list.

[Mike]

Goldeneye set the stage. It was. We needed gold.

[Josh]

Perfect Dark is a better game.

[Mike]

We needed GoldenEye so that GoldenEye walked. So perfect Dark. Good run. It was a much better gun, brother. You had to go buy the stupid extra $40 so you could buy the $80 Nintendo cartridge. But Perfect Dark.

[Josh]

Those out there that know. They know.

[Mike]

Yeah. If you know, you know.

[Josh]

I won't go goldeneye because I don't want to take the inferior version of Perfect Dark, Although it was the center.

[Jason]

Of the more popular.

[Josh]

Yeah. And the music is better. But I'll go Mario Kart.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Josh]

I think I'll just go Mario Kart because that game, you could play endlessly, and it's competitive always because they built it to be competitive no matter what with the handicaps. And so you always have a close finish in every race, and you don't care.

[Mike]

As soon as they brought that blue shell in.

[Josh]

Yeah. Really wrecked the world. So pizza rolls with Die Hard, some CCR is blaring, and I'm playing some Mario Kart, and I'm staying up all night.

Jason, you have. What do you have left?

[Jason]

I've just got my album.

[Josh]

Oh, your album.

[Jason]

And this is. This is. I left it for last because I needed more time. And I think I have come up to a conclusion that I'm really just going with what I like, not what's necessarily popular, because I. There's. There's so many things that I do like that I think are more popular. Metallica, Black album. Love it. Nirvana. Awesome.

[Mike]

Sure.

[Jason]

You know, I grew up listening to more hip hop. You know, the Black Album. Jay Z or Eminem. My favorite first album, Bush 16 Stone. But in the end, if this is a party, I want more. I want more. And I'm getting a double album. I'm going with Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness from Smashing Pumpkins.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Jason]

You don't remember how many. There's a two album you got tonight. Tonight. Bullet with Butterfly.

[Mike]

That's all I remember from it, though, because I remember the hits. I had it.

[Josh]

Yeah. There were a lot of other songs.

[Jason]

Too, But, I mean, 1979.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Jason]

33.

[Josh]

Smashing Pumpkins.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Josh]

All right. Well, that is it. We figured out our best night with the boys. We figured out Doritos is not a possessive word, and I guess that's what I learned today.

[Jason]

What did we learn today? I learned that carnivores eat mostly meat and that 30% of their meals can be berries, which I don't know why that doesn't make them an omnivore.

[Mike]

And I learned that by times a billion. Yes, that Jason's a fly guy.

[Josh]

I was gonna say when he says times a billion, it means he slightly prefers something. Maybe that'll do it for today's Spitballers episode. Thanks for joining us. Appreciate you all out there listening and we'll be back with episode 350 next time.

[Mike]

Goodbye.

[Jason]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com.

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