Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: "We Know History & Best Dipping Sauces"

Date: April 6, 2026

Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

Episode Overview

This episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast features a double-header of nonsense, laughter, and surprisingly competitive trivia. The hosts debut a brand-new segment called "We Know History," where they test their dubious mastery of world events by putting them in chronological order. The second half is devoted to drafting the best dipping sauces—a topic they take far more seriously than you’d expect. As always, hijinks, mockery, and dad-level wisdom abound.

Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Cold Open & Banter (03:02–04:02)

• Messy Scats and Fatigue:
  Andy discusses his ongoing fatigue from doing the show’s scat openers. Jason needles him, leading to laughs about "scat fatigue" and the visual vs. audio experience of the intro.

• Leap Year Confusion:
  Jason displays a questionable grasp of leap years, thinking they make the year shorter.
  Quote:

  "I was thinking that leap years had fewer days." – Jason (02:51)

2. Would You Rather

Segment: 04:02–21:45

a. Understanding Dogs vs. Being Understood by Dogs (04:05–10:15)

• Hosts debate whether they'd rather comprehend their dog's thoughts or have their dog understand everything they say.
  • Jason is wary of knowing his dogs' true feelings, fearing disappointment.
  • Andy worries about how dull or repetitive dog thoughts might be ("Eat that thing?").
  • Consensus: They’d all rather have the dog understand them— easier training, fewer messes, and maybe some peace regarding "revenge turds."

Quote:

"I want to be able to explain to him all the rules of this house and have him obey." – Jason (05:56)
"That dog was sending us a message. It was a revenge turd every time." – Jason (06:31)

b. Whisper Indoors vs. Yell Outdoors (10:15–18:08)

• They discuss the implicit social and physiological horrors of only being able to whisper inside or yell outside.
  • Andy and Jason point out that whispering is bad for your vocal cords.
  • Mike reveals misophonia:

    "My body hurts inside out. What is going on?" (11:51)

  • Hilarious philosophy about whether being in a car or plane counts as “indoors,” leading to extended, ridiculous debate ("You're inside but not indoors!").

Quote:

"You could be inside without being indoors." – Mike (15:59)

c. Magic Toolbox vs. Battery Drawer (18:09–21:45)

• Would you rather have a magic toolbox always containing the perfect tool or a drawer with any battery you need?
  • Overwhelming love for the toolbox—tools are harder to find, more expensive, and easily "borrowed" by family or workers.
  • Jason jokes about blaming lost tools on workers, introducing an ongoing running joke (“my workers”).

Quote:

"The first person that invents a tool set with built-in tracking is going to be rich." – Andy (20:55) "Let’s not lose sight of the real issue—my workers are stealing my tools!" – Jason (21:18)

3. Game Segment: "We Know History"

Segment: 24:01–39:31

A trivia game where the guys must place four historical or pop culture events in correct chronological order per round. Points for correct placements; bonus for getting all four.

Notable Moments & Rounds

• Warm Up (24:37–25:32):
  Moon landing, Declaration of Independence, Wright brothers, Civil War.
  Easy layup; all score maximum points.

• Round 1 (26:11–29:40):
  Nixon resignation, first Super Bowl, Godfather’s release, JFK assassination.

  • Jason stands alone, confidently orders Super Bowl after JFK, gets all four, gloats.*
    Quote:

    “I am the smartest man alive... This should be called ‘Jason Knows History.’” (29:00–29:20)

• Round 2 (29:54–32:15):
  Friends debut, Mario 64, Jurassic Park, SpongeBob.

  • Mike gets all four, Andy and Jason less so.*
  • Score: Mike 5, Jason 1, Andy 2.
  • Mike takes the lead.

• Round 3 (33:04–37:17):
  California Gold Rush, invention of telephone, Lincoln’s election, completion of transcontinental railroad.

  • Struggles over which predated which; Mike and Andy get two right, Jason none.
  • Clarifies Gold Rush started 1848, not 1949.
  • Quote:

    “I learned the Gold Rush was not in 1949.” – Jason (59:21)

• Round 4 (37:22–39:31):
  Instagram launch, PlayStation 2 release, first iPhone, US Office.

  • PlayStation 2 is oldest, Instagram newest; positions of iPhone and The Office surprise some.
  • Final Score: Mike 8, Jason 8, Andy 6 (no tie-breaker, ends in a draw).

4. Spitballers Draft: Best Dipping Sauces

Segment: 41:24–58:31

Each host picks the best dipping sauces in “fantasy draft” order. Betrayal, strategizing, and passionate sauces advocacy ensue.

First Round Picks

• Andy: Ranch (goes 1.01; “could drink it from a cup”) (42:06)
• Mike: Cheese Sauce (underappreciated, versatile) (43:08)
• Jason: BBQ Sauce (“good for dipping and cooking”) (45:25)

Standout Moments

• Jason’s BBQ and Ketchup Combo:

  “Barbecue sauce and ketchup...genuinely, if you’re dipping…” – Jason (47:06)

• Mike’s Raising Cane’s Sauce:
  Mike goes for the jugular with the cult-favorite, extols its virtues, and explains it’s the only reason the chicken exists.

  “The entire point of the chicken is to get the sauce into my mouth.” – Mike (49:37)

• Chick-fil-A, Sriracha Mayo, Buffalo Sauce:
  Andy and Mike go to war over the best fast-food signature sauces and spicy picks.

• Jason agonizes over picks; chooses Sweet & Sour and Marinara:
  Extended deliberation before landing on two beloved but less general-use sauces.

• Mustard Controversy:
  Jason extols the beauty of ketchup/mustard piles, but ultimately passes in favor of more versatile choices.

Draft Results (Sample Order)

• Andy: Ranch, Chick-fil-A sauce, Sriracha mayo, Honey mustard
• Mike: Cheese sauce, Raising Cane’s sauce, Buffalo, (Thousand Island debated but not picked)
• Jason: Barbecue sauce, Ketchup, Sweet & Sour, Marinara

Honorable Mentions & Closing Thoughts

• Garlic aioli, blue cheese, cocktail, tartar sauce, Thousand Island, etc., get shout-outs.
• General agreement: most sauces have narrow but intense followings.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jason, Gloating at History Game:

  “I am the smartest man alive! You guys are such dummies.” (29:00)

• Mike, on Whispering:

  "My body hurts inside out. What is going on?" (11:51)

• Andy, Sauce Draft:

  “Cheese sauce can go on a hot dog. Ranch doesn’t go on a hot dog.” (43:54)

• Jason, Toolbox Would You Rather:

  “Let’s not lose sight of that, but let’s... my workers are stealing my tools!” (21:18)

• Mike, On Chicken and Sauce:

  "The entire point of the chicken is to get the sauce into my mouth." (49:37)

• Jason, on Being Indoors vs. Outdoors in a Car:

  “You could be inside without being indoors.” (16:01)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 03:02 – Main show begins, intro banter, leap year confusion
• 04:05 – Would You Rather: Dog understanding
• 10:15 – Would You Rather: Whisper vs. yelling debate
• 18:09 – Would You Rather: Toolbox vs. battery drawer
• 24:01 – "We Know History" game starts
• 41:24 – Dipping Sauces Draft begins
• 58:31 – Honorable mentions, episode wrap-up

Episode Tone & Language

The episode is light, fast-paced, and packed with family-friendly jokes. The hosts constantly rib each other, get competitive, and embrace silliness. They turn simple topics into deep (yet absurd) debates and never miss a chance to make each other (and the audience) laugh at their own expense.

This summary captures all major jokes, debates, and trivia, making it perfect for anyone wanting the highlights and inside jokes without needing to listen to the full hour.