Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Zombie King & Things That Are Pointy - Spit Hits!
Original Air Date: December 4, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

Episode Overview

This episode features the award-winning trio of Andy, Mike, and Jason tackling a fresh round of absurd “Would You Rather” questions, dishing out life advice with their signature dad-humor, and conducting a highly questionable draft—this time of things that are pointy. If you’re here for family-friendly laughs, wild hypotheticals, useless (and occasionally shocking) wisdom, and a deep-dive into all things pointy, you’re in the right place.

Main Discussion Segments

1. Opening Banter & Scat Stand-Ins

[01:28] With producer Al Borland on vacation, “Papa Josh” steps in as First Chair Producer and is promptly "forced" to provide the show’s opening scat.
The crew laments that Josh’s attempt was “vanilla” and “not taking chances.”
- Andy [02:24]: “This isn’t the guy going up and doing the generic karaoke... This was vanilla.”

2. Would You Rather

[03:38] Jump straight into holiday-style Would You Rather questions.

a) Urine, Bidets, and Home vs. Public Bathrooms

Would you rather clean urine off every toilet seat before sitting, or never use a bidet again?
- Jason reveals deep commitment to bidets, even admitting he travels with a portable one.
- Jason [04:28]: "My youngest has never gone to the restroom without getting pee on the toilet."
- Andy [05:18]: “Yeah. We’ve got an occasional flushing issue.”
- Jason gets philosophical (and evangelical) about bidets:
  - Jason [07:10]: “A bidet... will wash, it'll dry. It can do all sorts of magical things.”
  - Jason [07:36]: “It’s not your fault, but you need to be aware of how awful and nasty you are now.”
  - Andy [08:01]: “It's a tough thing to do to reach that point where you're like, oh, how did I live another way?”
- Discussion spirals into bidet travel hacks, Jason’s “vacation bidet,” and the pros/cons of public “number two’s.”

b) Patient Zero or Last Human?

[09:31] Would you rather be patient zero of a zombie apocalypse or the last one standing?
- Mike brings detailed zombie lore:
  - Mike [10:38]: "The whole terrifying thing to me at least of a zombie is just... a mechanical creature moving forward, looking for food.”
- The trio debates whether they'd want to be the first or last, referencing classic zombie films and Game of Thrones.
- Practical survival strategies are discussed, including:
  - Hamster ball fortresses (Andy [12:37]: "Would you be fine inside one of those hamster plastic balls?"),
  - Self-defense and weapon selection,
  - Philosophical takes on being king of a desolate earth:
    - Jason [14:27]: “Yeah, I want to be the last one. I made it longest... I’m best to myself.”

c) Bite Your Tongue or Stub Your Toe?

[16:54] Bite your tongue every meal, or stub your toe three times a day?
- Everyone viscerally recalls the agony of both, but views diverge:
  - Jason [17:13]: “Whenever you’ve got that little bump from one chomp, and then you just keep hitting it...”
  - Andy [17:30]: "Every time you do it for the first time, it hurts so bad, and then you’ve got to do it two more times."
- Mike opts for stubbing toes; Andy hesitantly leans toward tongue-biting.

3. Spitballers to the Rescue: Life Advice

[21:52]

Advice questions take a turn for the real (and really ridiculous).

Receipt Hoarder Intervention

Listener Lucas asks for help with a partner who keeps every receipt.
- Jason [22:58]: “Why do you have any?”
- Andy shares how he inherited his mother’s hyper-organization (“She has a book of Amazon purchases she keeps close track of.” [24:12])
- The crew debates digital vs. physical receipts, concludes on snapping phone pics for the best of both worlds.
  - Andy [26:27]: “On something important, I'll snap a quick picture... I'm surprised how many times I need to reference the order number.”

In-Laws Living in the Basement

Logan seeks advice: In-laws promised a “temporary” basement stay that’s stretched over a year.
- Mike jokingly “recuses” himself—hinting it’s too real.
- Jason [32:03]: “What’s your cash value of them leaving?”
- Solutions: Gift them a new home, get a real estate license (they riff the idea thoroughly), or the nuclear option—flooding the basement.

Themed Dinner Fatigue

Lily writes in—her friend is obsessed with themed, in-character dinner parties from obscure movies.
- The hosts suggest picking easy, low-effort characters or showing up as characters who die early so you can leave.
- Andy [38:37]: “Find a character that's been dead in the movie so you can at least leave halfway.”

Futuristic Privacy Boundaries

Andy [29:10]: "Is there any futuristic technology you would decline from a privacy standpoint?"
- Jason [29:27]: “I have a kind of a rule... I already know that I've got no privacy. All my data is everywhere. So I don't care. Scan me, whatever, okay? That's how I live."

4. The Pointy Things Draft

[41:21]

The trio drafts the best—and silliest—things that are pointy. It's a masterclass in absurdity and pop-culture mischief.

First Round:

Jason: Unicorn horn (mythical, magical, and powerful)
- Jason [42:00]: "I'm going to go with something a little magical. I'm going to go with something mythological. I'm going to go with the unicorn."
Andy: Mount Everest (his latest obsession)
- Andy [43:27]: “I'm going with Mount Everest as my pick.”
Mike: Wizard's hat
- Mike [44:31]: "This is the wizard's hat."

Next Rounds:

Wolverine’s claws (Mike): “It’s out of his hands every time!” [45:54]
Sword (Andy): “The pointiest of things, a sword.” [46:38]
Pointer finger (Jason): “I'm a point. Look how pointy I am.” [47:19]
Vampire stake (Jason): “That's got to be sharp. It's got to be pointy.” [48:14]
Vampire fangs (Andy): “Vampire fangs. So I'm taking those.” [48:43]
Stalagmites & stalactites (Mike): “I'm getting stalagmites and stalactites, baby.” [50:22]
Swordfish (Andy): “They're cool, man. They got a sword.” [51:32]
Punk rock hair (Jason): “Pointy hair. Very anime. Like a style.” [53:02]

Honorable Mentions:

Narwhal, porcupine quills, spear
- Jason [55:34]: "How did I not go spear? I am mad at myself."

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Bidets:
- Jason [07:36]: “It’s not your fault, but you need to be aware of how awful and nasty you are now.”
On Parenting:
- Jason [04:42]: “Bad job by me. I'll take the L.”
On Themed Parties:
- Jason [38:21]: "In your white Gandalf the White outfit... you home runned that thing."
On Pointy Picks:
- Andy [43:27]: “I'm super into Everest right now, so I'm taking Mount Everest.”
- Mike [45:54]: “I will take Wolverine's claws.”
- Jason [47:19]: “I'm a point. Look how pointy I am.”
- Jason [53:02]: “Punk rock hair. That's what I'm going to draft.”

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

01:28 – Papa Josh’s vanilla scat debut
03:38 – "Would You Rather" bidet segment
09:31 – "Would You Rather": Zombie apocalypse (patient zero vs. last human)
16:54 – Bite your tongue vs. stub your toe
21:52 – Spitballers to the Rescue: Receipt hoarding
29:10 – Privacy and technology
29:56 – In-laws living in the basement advice
34:30 – Lily’s themed dinner party dilemma
41:21 – Draft: Things That Are Pointy
55:34 – Regret over not picking “spear” in the draft

Tone and Style

Warm, goofy, irreverent “dad” humor
Playful arguments, self-deprecating anecdotes, pop culture and family-friendly references
Quick-witted, improvisational riffing and plenty of sarcasm

Final Thoughts

This episode is a perfect encapsulation of the Spitballers experience—clean, hilarious, and truly nonsensical. Whether they’re championing bidet usage or arguing about swordfish utility, Andy, Mike, and Jason deliver laughter, surprising life advice, and imaginative nonsense. As always, there are some bizarre solutions, a few relatable confessions, and a draft that’s as weird as it is wonderful.

"I learned that getting your real estate license will help you with most major life events." — Jason [55:45]

“A wizard's hat only stays a wizard's hat when it's not put on anybody's head.” — Andy [55:51]

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Zombie King & Things That Are Pointy - Spit Hits!
Original Air Date: December 4, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

Episode Overview

Main Discussion Segments

1. Opening Banter & Scat Stand-Ins

[01:28] With producer Al Borland on vacation, “Papa Josh” steps in as First Chair Producer and is promptly "forced" to provide the show’s opening scat.
The crew laments that Josh’s attempt was “vanilla” and “not taking chances.”
- Andy [02:24]: “This isn’t the guy going up and doing the generic karaoke... This was vanilla.”

2. Would You Rather

[03:38] Jump straight into holiday-style Would You Rather questions.

a) Urine, Bidets, and Home vs. Public Bathrooms

Would you rather clean urine off every toilet seat before sitting, or never use a bidet again?
- Jason reveals deep commitment to bidets, even admitting he travels with a portable one.
- Jason [04:28]: "My youngest has never gone to the restroom without getting pee on the toilet."
- Andy [05:18]: “Yeah. We’ve got an occasional flushing issue.”
- Jason gets philosophical (and evangelical) about bidets:
  - Jason [07:10]: “A bidet... will wash, it'll dry. It can do all sorts of magical things.”
  - Jason [07:36]: “It’s not your fault, but you need to be aware of how awful and nasty you are now.”
  - Andy [08:01]: “It's a tough thing to do to reach that point where you're like, oh, how did I live another way?”
- Discussion spirals into bidet travel hacks, Jason’s “vacation bidet,” and the pros/cons of public “number two’s.”

b) Patient Zero or Last Human?

[09:31] Would you rather be patient zero of a zombie apocalypse or the last one standing?
- Mike brings detailed zombie lore:
  - Mike [10:38]: "The whole terrifying thing to me at least of a zombie is just... a mechanical creature moving forward, looking for food.”
- The trio debates whether they'd want to be the first or last, referencing classic zombie films and Game of Thrones.
- Practical survival strategies are discussed, including:
  - Hamster ball fortresses (Andy [12:37]: "Would you be fine inside one of those hamster plastic balls?"),
  - Self-defense and weapon selection,
  - Philosophical takes on being king of a desolate earth:
    - Jason [14:27]: “Yeah, I want to be the last one. I made it longest... I’m best to myself.”

c) Bite Your Tongue or Stub Your Toe?

[16:54] Bite your tongue every meal, or stub your toe three times a day?
- Everyone viscerally recalls the agony of both, but views diverge:
  - Jason [17:13]: “Whenever you’ve got that little bump from one chomp, and then you just keep hitting it...”
  - Andy [17:30]: "Every time you do it for the first time, it hurts so bad, and then you’ve got to do it two more times."
- Mike opts for stubbing toes; Andy hesitantly leans toward tongue-biting.

3. Spitballers to the Rescue: Life Advice

[21:52]

Advice questions take a turn for the real (and really ridiculous).

Receipt Hoarder Intervention

Listener Lucas asks for help with a partner who keeps every receipt.
- Jason [22:58]: “Why do you have any?”
- Andy shares how he inherited his mother’s hyper-organization (“She has a book of Amazon purchases she keeps close track of.” [24:12])
- The crew debates digital vs. physical receipts, concludes on snapping phone pics for the best of both worlds.
  - Andy [26:27]: “On something important, I'll snap a quick picture... I'm surprised how many times I need to reference the order number.”

In-Laws Living in the Basement

Logan seeks advice: In-laws promised a “temporary” basement stay that’s stretched over a year.
- Mike jokingly “recuses” himself—hinting it’s too real.
- Jason [32:03]: “What’s your cash value of them leaving?”
- Solutions: Gift them a new home, get a real estate license (they riff the idea thoroughly), or the nuclear option—flooding the basement.

Themed Dinner Fatigue

Lily writes in—her friend is obsessed with themed, in-character dinner parties from obscure movies.
- The hosts suggest picking easy, low-effort characters or showing up as characters who die early so you can leave.
- Andy [38:37]: “Find a character that's been dead in the movie so you can at least leave halfway.”

Futuristic Privacy Boundaries

Andy [29:10]: "Is there any futuristic technology you would decline from a privacy standpoint?"
- Jason [29:27]: “I have a kind of a rule... I already know that I've got no privacy. All my data is everywhere. So I don't care. Scan me, whatever, okay? That's how I live."

4. The Pointy Things Draft

[41:21]

The trio drafts the best—and silliest—things that are pointy. It's a masterclass in absurdity and pop-culture mischief.

First Round:

Jason: Unicorn horn (mythical, magical, and powerful)
- Jason [42:00]: "I'm going to go with something a little magical. I'm going to go with something mythological. I'm going to go with the unicorn."
Andy: Mount Everest (his latest obsession)
- Andy [43:27]: “I'm going with Mount Everest as my pick.”
Mike: Wizard's hat
- Mike [44:31]: "This is the wizard's hat."

Next Rounds:

Wolverine’s claws (Mike): “It’s out of his hands every time!” [45:54]
Sword (Andy): “The pointiest of things, a sword.” [46:38]
Pointer finger (Jason): “I'm a point. Look how pointy I am.” [47:19]
Vampire stake (Jason): “That's got to be sharp. It's got to be pointy.” [48:14]
Vampire fangs (Andy): “Vampire fangs. So I'm taking those.” [48:43]
Stalagmites & stalactites (Mike): “I'm getting stalagmites and stalactites, baby.” [50:22]
Swordfish (Andy): “They're cool, man. They got a sword.” [51:32]
Punk rock hair (Jason): “Pointy hair. Very anime. Like a style.” [53:02]

Honorable Mentions:

Narwhal, porcupine quills, spear
- Jason [55:34]: "How did I not go spear? I am mad at myself."

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Bidets:
- Jason [07:36]: “It’s not your fault, but you need to be aware of how awful and nasty you are now.”
On Parenting:
- Jason [04:42]: “Bad job by me. I'll take the L.”
On Themed Parties:
- Jason [38:21]: "In your white Gandalf the White outfit... you home runned that thing."
On Pointy Picks:
- Andy [43:27]: “I'm super into Everest right now, so I'm taking Mount Everest.”
- Mike [45:54]: “I will take Wolverine's claws.”
- Jason [47:19]: “I'm a point. Look how pointy I am.”
- Jason [53:02]: “Punk rock hair. That's what I'm going to draft.”

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

01:28 – Papa Josh’s vanilla scat debut
03:38 – "Would You Rather" bidet segment
09:31 – "Would You Rather": Zombie apocalypse (patient zero vs. last human)
16:54 – Bite your tongue vs. stub your toe
21:52 – Spitballers to the Rescue: Receipt hoarding
29:10 – Privacy and technology
29:56 – In-laws living in the basement advice
34:30 – Lily’s themed dinner party dilemma
41:21 – Draft: Things That Are Pointy
55:34 – Regret over not picking “spear” in the draft

Tone and Style

Warm, goofy, irreverent “dad” humor
Playful arguments, self-deprecating anecdotes, pop culture and family-friendly references
Quick-witted, improvisational riffing and plenty of sarcasm

Final Thoughts

"I learned that getting your real estate license will help you with most major life events." — Jason [55:45]

“A wizard's hat only stays a wizard's hat when it's not put on anybody's head.” — Andy [55:51]

Zombie King & Things That Are Pointy - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

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Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode Overview

Main Discussion Segments

1. Opening Banter & Scat Stand-Ins

2. Would You Rather

a) Urine, Bidets, and Home vs. Public Bathrooms

b) Patient Zero or Last Human?

c) Bite Your Tongue or Stub Your Toe?

3. Spitballers to the Rescue: Life Advice

Receipt Hoarder Intervention

In-Laws Living in the Basement

Themed Dinner Fatigue

Futuristic Privacy Boundaries

4. The Pointy Things Draft

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

Tone and Style

Final Thoughts

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode Overview

Main Discussion Segments

1. Opening Banter & Scat Stand-Ins

2. Would You Rather

a) Urine, Bidets, and Home vs. Public Bathrooms

b) Patient Zero or Last Human?

c) Bite Your Tongue or Stub Your Toe?

3. Spitballers to the Rescue: Life Advice

Receipt Hoarder Intervention

In-Laws Living in the Basement

Themed Dinner Fatigue

Futuristic Privacy Boundaries

4. The Pointy Things Draft

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

Tone and Style

Final Thoughts