Zombie King & Things That Are Pointy - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

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Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Zombie King & Things That Are Pointy - Spit Hits!
Original Air Date: December 4, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

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Episode Overview

This episode features the award-winning trio of Andy, Mike, and Jason tackling a fresh round of absurd “Would You Rather” questions, dishing out life advice with their signature dad-humor, and conducting a highly questionable draft—this time of things that are pointy. If you’re here for family-friendly laughs, wild hypotheticals, useless (and occasionally shocking) wisdom, and a deep-dive into all things pointy, you’re in the right place.

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Main Discussion Segments

1. Opening Banter & Scat Stand-Ins

• [01:28] With producer Al Borland on vacation, “Papa Josh” steps in as First Chair Producer and is promptly "forced" to provide the show’s opening scat.
• The crew laments that Josh’s attempt was “vanilla” and “not taking chances.”
  • Andy [02:24]: “This isn’t the guy going up and doing the generic karaoke... This was vanilla.”

2. Would You Rather

• [03:38] Jump straight into holiday-style Would You Rather questions.

a) Urine, Bidets, and Home vs. Public Bathrooms

• Would you rather clean urine off every toilet seat before sitting, or never use a bidet again?
  • Jason reveals deep commitment to bidets, even admitting he travels with a portable one.
  • Jason [04:28]: "My youngest has never gone to the restroom without getting pee on the toilet."
  • Andy [05:18]: “Yeah. We’ve got an occasional flushing issue.”
  • Jason gets philosophical (and evangelical) about bidets:
    • Jason [07:10]: “A bidet... will wash, it'll dry. It can do all sorts of magical things.”
    • Jason [07:36]: “It’s not your fault, but you need to be aware of how awful and nasty you are now.”
    • Andy [08:01]: “It's a tough thing to do to reach that point where you're like, oh, how did I live another way?”
  • Discussion spirals into bidet travel hacks, Jason’s “vacation bidet,” and the pros/cons of public “number two’s.”

b) Patient Zero or Last Human?

• [09:31] Would you rather be patient zero of a zombie apocalypse or the last one standing?
  • Mike brings detailed zombie lore:
    • Mike [10:38]: "The whole terrifying thing to me at least of a zombie is just... a mechanical creature moving forward, looking for food.”
  • The trio debates whether they'd want to be the first or last, referencing classic zombie films and Game of Thrones.
  • Practical survival strategies are discussed, including:
    • Hamster ball fortresses (Andy [12:37]: "Would you be fine inside one of those hamster plastic balls?"),
    • Self-defense and weapon selection,
    • Philosophical takes on being king of a desolate earth:
      • Jason [14:27]: “Yeah, I want to be the last one. I made it longest... I’m best to myself.”

c) Bite Your Tongue or Stub Your Toe?

• [16:54] Bite your tongue every meal, or stub your toe three times a day?
  • Everyone viscerally recalls the agony of both, but views diverge:
    • Jason [17:13]: “Whenever you’ve got that little bump from one chomp, and then you just keep hitting it...”
    • Andy [17:30]: "Every time you do it for the first time, it hurts so bad, and then you’ve got to do it two more times."
  • Mike opts for stubbing toes; Andy hesitantly leans toward tongue-biting.

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3. Spitballers to the Rescue: Life Advice

[21:52]

• Advice questions take a turn for the real (and really ridiculous).

Receipt Hoarder Intervention

• Listener Lucas asks for help with a partner who keeps every receipt.
  • Jason [22:58]: “Why do you have any?”
  • Andy shares how he inherited his mother’s hyper-organization (“She has a book of Amazon purchases she keeps close track of.” [24:12])
  • The crew debates digital vs. physical receipts, concludes on snapping phone pics for the best of both worlds.
    • Andy [26:27]: “On something important, I'll snap a quick picture... I'm surprised how many times I need to reference the order number.”

In-Laws Living in the Basement

• Logan seeks advice: In-laws promised a “temporary” basement stay that’s stretched over a year.
  • Mike jokingly “recuses” himself—hinting it’s too real.
  • Jason [32:03]: “What’s your cash value of them leaving?”
  • Solutions: Gift them a new home, get a real estate license (they riff the idea thoroughly), or the nuclear option—flooding the basement.

Themed Dinner Fatigue

• Lily writes in—her friend is obsessed with themed, in-character dinner parties from obscure movies.
  • The hosts suggest picking easy, low-effort characters or showing up as characters who die early so you can leave.
  • Andy [38:37]: “Find a character that's been dead in the movie so you can at least leave halfway.”

Futuristic Privacy Boundaries

• Andy [29:10]: "Is there any futuristic technology you would decline from a privacy standpoint?"
  • Jason [29:27]: “I have a kind of a rule... I already know that I've got no privacy. All my data is everywhere. So I don't care. Scan me, whatever, okay? That's how I live."

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4. The Pointy Things Draft

[41:21]

• The trio drafts the best—and silliest—things that are pointy. It's a masterclass in absurdity and pop-culture mischief.

First Round:

• Jason: Unicorn horn (mythical, magical, and powerful)
  • Jason [42:00]: "I'm going to go with something a little magical. I'm going to go with something mythological. I'm going to go with the unicorn."
• Andy: Mount Everest (his latest obsession)
  • Andy [43:27]: “I'm going with Mount Everest as my pick.”
• Mike: Wizard's hat
  • Mike [44:31]: "This is the wizard's hat."

Next Rounds:

• Wolverine’s claws (Mike): “It’s out of his hands every time!” [45:54]
• Sword (Andy): “The pointiest of things, a sword.” [46:38]
• Pointer finger (Jason): “I'm a point. Look how pointy I am.” [47:19]
• Vampire stake (Jason): “That's got to be sharp. It's got to be pointy.” [48:14]
• Vampire fangs (Andy): “Vampire fangs. So I'm taking those.” [48:43]
• Stalagmites & stalactites (Mike): “I'm getting stalagmites and stalactites, baby.” [50:22]
• Swordfish (Andy): “They're cool, man. They got a sword.” [51:32]
• Punk rock hair (Jason): “Pointy hair. Very anime. Like a style.” [53:02]

Honorable Mentions:

• Narwhal, porcupine quills, spear
  • Jason [55:34]: "How did I not go spear? I am mad at myself."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Bidets:
  • Jason [07:36]: “It’s not your fault, but you need to be aware of how awful and nasty you are now.”
• On Parenting:
  • Jason [04:42]: “Bad job by me. I'll take the L.”
• On Themed Parties:
  • Jason [38:21]: "In your white Gandalf the White outfit... you home runned that thing."
• On Pointy Picks:
  • Andy [43:27]: “I'm super into Everest right now, so I'm taking Mount Everest.”
  • Mike [45:54]: “I will take Wolverine's claws.”
  • Jason [47:19]: “I'm a point. Look how pointy I am.”
  • Jason [53:02]: “Punk rock hair. That's what I'm going to draft.”

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:28 – Papa Josh’s vanilla scat debut
• 03:38 – "Would You Rather" bidet segment
• 09:31 – "Would You Rather": Zombie apocalypse (patient zero vs. last human)
• 16:54 – Bite your tongue vs. stub your toe
• 21:52 – Spitballers to the Rescue: Receipt hoarding
• 29:10 – Privacy and technology
• 29:56 – In-laws living in the basement advice
• 34:30 – Lily’s themed dinner party dilemma
• 41:21 – Draft: Things That Are Pointy
• 55:34 – Regret over not picking “spear” in the draft

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Tone and Style

• Warm, goofy, irreverent “dad” humor
• Playful arguments, self-deprecating anecdotes, pop culture and family-friendly references
• Quick-witted, improvisational riffing and plenty of sarcasm

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a perfect encapsulation of the Spitballers experience—clean, hilarious, and truly nonsensical. Whether they’re championing bidet usage or arguing about swordfish utility, Andy, Mike, and Jason deliver laughter, surprising life advice, and imaginative nonsense. As always, there are some bizarre solutions, a few relatable confessions, and a draft that’s as weird as it is wonderful.

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"I learned that getting your real estate license will help you with most major life events." — Jason [55:45]

“A wizard's hat only stays a wizard's hat when it's not put on anybody's head.” — Andy [55:51]

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Transcript

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[Jason]

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What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Mike]

Give it.

[Andy]

Okay. All right. I feel like he didn't take any chances.

I feel like he didn't take any chances.

[Jason]

I really wanted we so spit.

[Mike]

That was Papa Josh.

[Jason]

Welcome to the show.

Al Borland is not. Is not here today. He's on vacation.

[Andy]

You were gonna say he's not with us.

[Jason]

I was gonna say he's no longer with us. You know, R and B. And so right before the show, we made Papa Josh, who is sitting in. In the main, you know, he's. What do they call that in band? First chair. First chair producer. Today he's the first chair producer. We're like, congratulations, you get scat. I just wanted worse. I just wanted way. I wanted a colossal calamity.

[Andy]

This wasn't the guy that gets up and does the.

What am I thinking of?

[Mike]

No idea.

[Andy]

Karaoke. This isn't the guy going up and doing the generic karaoke. You know, that's all it was. It wasn't taking a chance. This is not some extreme song that he went up and on stage and did. This was vanilla.

[Jason]

That's a good point. Now what am I thinking?

[Mike]

Oh, you think of what I'm doing.

[Andy]

Just so you know, you only get out of scouts when Al Borland doesn't. So you're still next. I mean, you're the next one, too.

[Jason]

That's fine. That probably means I have to get the number one pick again next week, so I'm down with that.

[Andy]

Yeah, you would. Actually. Would you rather life advice?

[Mike]

And that's all right.

[Andy]

That's fine.

[Mike]

I'll allow it.

[Jason]

I tried.

[Andy]

And today we're drafting things that are pointy. So I'm sure you're thrilled to have the number one pick.

We've got a great show for you today. You can follow us at Spitballers pod over on twitter/x YouTube.com Spitballers to watch the show and tell your friends about it. It's a family friendly podcast where we make our producer scat every 80 second show. Is that what it is? Something like that 86 show. Let's get it.

Would you rather Antonio from Patreon writes in and says, would you rather have to clean? Oh, we're getting right into it. Would you rather have to clean urine off of the seat every time you go into a bathroom to take a number two? Okay. So you have to sit.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

Or never be able to use a bidet again the rest of your life.

So this is a trick question for Jason. He would never go and take a number two at a, at a. In a public place.

[Jason]

Well, that, that is true. I do avoid that at all costs. And I'm in there. And there are great costs to. To holding on to what I have to hold on to.

But it's like I. I have so much experience.

Cleaning up pee off of the toilet. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. My youngest, he has children. My youngest has never, never gone to the restroom without getting pee on the toilet.

[Andy]

Dude, that is a parenting problem.

[Jason]

I agree. Bad job by me. I'll take the L can I just.

[Andy]

I want to fix.

[Mike]

Jay. I'm with you. That the boys are nasty and we look. We don't run with the sign, apparently. Look, that's. That's. Maybe the parenting fail is I don't have the if you tinkle or if you sprinkle when you tinkle sign. I don't have the nursery rhyme up on the wall reminding everyone.

[Andy]

That's the only thing that'll get it done.

[Mike]

Maybe. Did you have that song?

[Andy]

No. No, I didn't. And none of my kids be on the.

[Mike]

I mean, you know, of.

[Andy]

I will. There is one problem in our house, though.

[Mike]

Yeah, Here we go. All right.

[Jason]

Mr. Parent of the year.

[Andy]

Yeah. We've got an occasional flushing issue.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You got a Duke Schneider lift over.

[Jason]

Yeah, I'd rather Clean up a little bit.

[Andy]

I think I would, too. Man. When I go in there and I find, like, something cooking, I mean, it's cooked. It's.

[Mike]

You open the door, you go, whoa.

[Andy]

Why is it in there? Why hasn't somebody noticed it? Yeah, I mean, I wanted to change the question because I just don't feel like this one really fits the bill. Jason, how many times do you go to the bathroom per day at all?

[Jason]

Pee or poop?

[Andy]

I would say. No, no, no, no. Just poo once.

[Jason]

Usually one healthy BM a day.

[Andy]

I wanted to change it to, like, do you want to live your life with no bidet? Or.

You got to do one public poop and one home poop a day, but you keep it.

[Jason]

Let me ask you a question. Is the bidet in the public area?

[Andy]

Nah, wipe once. But then, look, we've all been on vacation where it's like, okay, you don't have your bidet.

To clean you off, but you're thrilled to get home and get fresh.

[Jason]

Yeah, I'm going to do whatever gets me a bidet.

[Andy]

So you're willing to public poop?

[Jason]

If that's the only way I can get a bidet, then I'll have to do it. I mean, spitwads, if you don't have a bidet, I don't blame you.

[Andy]

This is one of your biggest. Like, if you're running for office, this is one of your platforms, 100%.

[Jason]

I don't want to shame you because I spent the majority of my life without a bidet.

[Mike]

You know, you don't know what you don't.

[Andy]

You were in the dark, just like.

[Jason]

Yeah, if you're living in America, you don't have a bidet. We didn't grow up with bidets. They're not as common here.

[Andy]

Some people might want you to not even know what it means.

[Jason]

A bidet is like, you know, you can get the little toilet seat, or it could be the whole toilet, which will wash your booty when you're done.

[Mike]

Right?

[Jason]

It'll wash, it'll dry. It can do all sorts of magical things. It can be fancy, where it's warming the seat and warming your water. It can be cheap, where it's just going to spray like a fire hose. Cold water on your booty.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's the kind that Josh gets.

[Jason]

But what I want you to understand, I am not shaming you, but you are freaking disgusting, okay? You're just. You are. You are.

[Mike]

I think you're shaming them.

[Jason]

No, no, no, no, no. It's not your fault, but you need to be aware of how awful and nasty you are now.

[Andy]

You know, I was very. I was the last one to the party.

[Mike]

Yeah, you laid it up to her.

[Andy]

I was pretty resistant, too. I was just like, I don't need this in my life. It doesn't benefit me at all. And I kind of. I had to. I had to face the truth one day, which is a tough.

[Jason]

Preach, brother.

[Andy]

It's a tough thing to do to reach that point where you're like, oh, we. How did I live another way?

[Jason]

Well, and see that.

[Andy]

And why. Why did I choose to opt into that life?

[Mike]

Because you didn't know.

[Jason]

Once the revelation happens with certain products in your life where it's like, oh, how did I live without this? When you go back, like when we.

[Andy]

Travel and we're on vacation, is it better to never have bidet at all? I mean, like the old. Is it better to have bidet and lost the bidet than to never have bidet at all? Because now when you vacation, you realize that, and you know your body is compensated. It's. Now it needs the bidet. So when you don't have it, it's probably not feeling great.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, you're tearing that thing up.

[Andy]

That's where I was going for sure.

[Jason]

Man. If this thing's not used to getting wiped into oblivion, then when you go on a vacation and you.

[Andy]

Say, what toilet paper you get, first of all.

[Jason]

When you go on a vacation, you're eating a certain way. You know what I mean? That's part of the problem.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And that is you won't tear it up. I barely walk when I get back from vacations, and I need that bidet.

[Andy]

Yeah. Now you have a. But you do have a vacation bidet now.

[Jason]

I do. I travel now.

[Andy]

Is that a handheld?

[Jason]

It is a handheld.

[Andy]

So you've got to aim, fire, and everything.

[Jason]

Battery operated.

[Andy]

Now, do you want. Do you put warm water in it?

[Jason]

Oh, you know it, brother. I'm waiting for that sink to warm up before I fill that thing.

[Andy]

I wonder how long you would survive in certain places.

[Jason]

Not long.

[Andy]

Yeah. Brady says, would you rather be patient zero of a zombie apocalypse or be the last one standing? Ooh, Patient zero means you've been bitten and converted.

[Mike]

Patient zero is you are the reason that the infection.

[Andy]

Oh, that's right. That's right. You are the zombie.

[Mike]

Yeah. You are the original OG Zombie. That if people survive and they're able to trace it back, they'll find you.

[Jason]

I am curious, Mike. You're the Zombie expert here.

[Andy]

Yes. Dr. Zombie. Yeah.

[Jason]

Is there. I know this isn't the usual, but is there any canon on zombie lore?

[Andy]

Oh, you were asked the same thing.

[Jason]

I was going to ask where zombie number one is King zombie.

[Mike]

Oh, no, you weren't like, you know, right? Yeah, there are, there are zombie leaders. Yeah. There are movies like that. I don't care for them as like I think Josh, army of the Dead. Like they had a king zombie in that one as well.

[Andy]

Which definitely nod for the podcast.

[Mike]

He's approving me and I'm passing it on to the audio.

[Andy]

He could have said anything.

[Mike]

So there's a king zombie, which it brings in some problems with the zombies because the whole terrifying thing to me at least of a zombie is just it. There's no thought process at all. It is simply a mechanical creature moving forward, looking for food. And it will and it cannot be stopped. Where if you have a leader now, there's like orders to follow, emotions and so it's like I don't care for it as much, but it definitely does. It's out there.

[Jason]

Let me give you a counter argument, okay. Because I know we were all big fans of Game of Thrones. The White Walkers are essentially mindless, brainless zombies. And yet they have a leader.

[Andy]

They have like the brain thing is what I was gonna bring up. And I don't know if they were brainless because they had strategy and thoughts and they did things. That was my point. Like if you're patient number one and zombies have no thoughts, therefore what's the point? I mean, like, if you can't.

Like, why would I want to be the first dead? Because I'd be dead.

[Jason]

Well, here's why.

[Mike]

You'd be undead.

[Andy]

I know, but I wouldn't have any memory.

[Jason]

But here's the thing. The reason you'd want to be that is because you didn't need to watch everyone around you die. Die and get eaten. You yourself did not get eaten into a zombie.

[Andy]

Is a revolver for.

Protection, slash other kinds of protection purposes. Is that like a necessary thing in the zombie. In a zombie apocalypse universe, like, do you need to have the option to say goodnight before they beat you?

[Mike]

You can, you can go with that strategy. But like, I mean, maybe you weren't asked this, but weapon wise, a physical weapon is far more value. Maybe not more, but you need to have a physical one because you're going to run out of ammo. I guess that's part of.

[Jason]

They never do.

[Andy]

Would you be fine inside of one of those, like hamster Plastic balls in a zombie movie.

[Mike]

Now that is an interesting question. I don't know if I've ever seen that strategy.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

It's one big plastic. It can't be the inflatable.

[Jason]

No, they'll go right through the inflatable.

[Mike]

Yeah. If it's the plastic where it's full of air.

[Andy]

Yeah. Or metal even.

[Mike]

But just an actual. No, like a. A real hamstring where it's really hard plastic.

[Jason]

Right.

[Mike]

I think they can't get in that.

[Andy]

I don't think they could get in there.

[Mike]

You can't get a bite on it.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

But then you grease that baby up.

[Jason]

Yeah. Here's the thing, though.

[Andy]

Slipping all off.

[Jason]

I mean, there's holes in that, right? Your fingers are going to go through.

[Andy]

You wouldn't need air holes.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

So what's a finger going to do?

[Jason]

Fingers are going to get bit.

[Mike]

But, you know, how big of an air hole do you need? It can be real tiny. Do you know how small air is?

[Andy]

How big fingers are?

[Jason]

Just thinking of. I mean, you gotta be able to see out.

[Mike]

Well, it's clear plastic.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You've never seen clear plastic.

[Mike]

What kind of ball are you?

[Andy]

How many are you putting hamsters in balls they can't see out of with no air?

[Jason]

Okay. I'm looking at hamster balls. They're totally clear.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Okay. I remember these now. Yeah.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

What were you thinking of?

[Jason]

It was like a mesh. Like a hard plastic. Not see through with you just look through the holes.

[Andy]

I just feel like you could kind of cruise through the.

[Jason]

That's not a thing.

[Andy]

Well, you could cruise through the world in one of those.

[Mike]

The problem, once you're. If you get swarmed and stopped, then you're done. Like, you won't get. You won't be able to move. You won't be able to get out of it.

[Andy]

I still haven't thought I would just attract them all to a fence and just With a long javelin. If they're walking, if they don't climb.

[Mike]

If they're just the walking zombies, you can be. All right. If it's running zombies, then you'd rather be patient zero. Let's get it out of the way.

[Andy]

Let's get real. Yeah. I mean, do you want to be patient zero? Do you want to be the last one standing? Do you want to have fought to the end of.

[Jason]

Yeah, I want to be the last one. You do? Yeah. I'm best to no one.

[Andy]

You're best to no one?

[Jason]

Yeah, I'm best to myself. I made it longest, but if you're.

[Andy]

Being best to yourself is going to factor in.

[Mike]

But you're first out of one. Like, of the remaining remaining people, you're.

[Andy]

One of one being the king of the world, King of all humans. If you're the only human. Is that how you would look at. Would you crown yourself?

[Jason]

I mean.

[Mike]

So look, I'd at least hold an election.

[Jason]

We've all. Oh, you do.

[Andy]

A democratic vote.

[Mike]

Yeah. This is valid. I voted.

[Andy]

Can you vote for yourself?

[Mike]

Yes, of course.

[Jason]

You always cast your own vote.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

This is great. Unanimous. Unanimous.

[Andy]

President, has there ever been canon of zombies that have like, thinking brains of any kind?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

But that just like.

[Mike]

Well, like the. So as far as I know, the. Like at least the original real popularity spread was Night of the Living Dead. So Romero's movie from. I mean, it's a black and white movie. It's very old. And like the third one, he started to dabble. I think it was day. Day of the Dead.

[Andy]

Don't talk to us as though we could validate our knowledge or.

[Mike]

I'm talking to myself trying to figure it out. I believe it was the third one in his string of movies where they did start to think and they're. Because it's their old memories that are coming back. So you see shots of like zombies playing the tuba and things like that.

[Andy]

Interesting.

[Mike]

And like, that's. That's not for me.

[Andy]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna go last man.

[Mike]

I'm going patient zero, baby.

[Andy]

All right, Jason, you're last man.

[Jason]

I'm last man. If I made it to last man, that means I've got skills that I currently do not have. That is, I know to get there, like, I can. I can aim a weapon. I can build a trap. I can't do that stuff right now. But.

[Andy]

So you just need a zombie apocalypse to kind of.

[Jason]

That's right. Hone my skills.

[Andy]

Yeah. Just. You need something to happen to make this world of. How many bidets you got a little bit rougher.

[Mike]

What can make you actually get into.

[Andy]

There's no way you have a bidet, by the way, if your last man standing like that day. Those are gone.

[Jason]

Oh, there's no way you'd have a baby. I would absolutely have.

[Andy]

I can just see him running with a gun in one hand and a backpack and a full bidet with a plug he's holding under the other arm, sprinting and not. They're like, let the bidet go. They're going to get you. And you're like, never.

[Jason]

Yeah, there's Principles.

[Andy]

George wants to know, would you rather bite your tongue every meal.

[Mike]

Oh, no.

[Andy]

Or stub your toe three times every.

[Jason]

Day.

Biting your tongue every meal is. I don't care what it is.

[Andy]

Same spot, different spot.

[Mike]

If it's every meal, you're.

[Andy]

You're gotta be. Different spot. Yeah.

[Mike]

Well, no, you will. Same spot eventually.

[Jason]

Yeah. Because whenever you. Oh, man. There's not. There's just about nothing worse, whether it's your cheek or your tongue. When you've got that little bump, that little swollen part from one chomp, and then you just keep hitting it and you're trying to avoid it, you remember it's there most of the time. And then you get a little careless.

[Andy]

He goes, yeah, but I mean, you guys are underestimating stubbing your toe because you're doing it three times a day, which means every time you do it for the first time, it hurts so bad. And then you're going, oh, gosh.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's hard.

[Andy]

I have to do this two more times.

[Jason]

I don't think I stub my toe often. I can't even, like, recall.

[Andy]

That's good, because that's. You'd be a bad walker.

[Jason]

Well, I'm just saying, like, I don't. I don't remember the last time I stubbed my toe where I'm, like. Where it was, like, a serious one, like, painful, like.

[Mike]

Oh, really?

[Jason]

Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

[Mike]

I watched yours real accurate.

[Andy]

I feel like my stub toes per year have gone down tremendously from. I think those peaked from 15 to 25.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

But you still get a good few every year.

[Andy]

Few? I mean, how many?

[Mike]

You're getting a few every year?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

Really? Are you getting. Are you changing your furniture out a lot? Are you.

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

You're even with your eyes closed, doing new things.

[Mike]

You cut a corner too sharp.

[Andy]

I think it's doing new stuff. I think the older you get, you do the same stuff. I mean, you're probably sitting.

[Jason]

I feel like every time I stub my toe while you're sitting is, like, nighttime.

[Mike]

If anyone stub their toe sitting, it's this man over here.

[Andy]

It's true.

[Jason]

I'm gonna find a way.

[Andy]

Just kicking his coffee table.

[Jason]

Yeah. I mean, it's got to be lights off.

[Andy]

I don't know.

[Jason]

I don't know how you stub your toe.

[Mike]

It happens all the time, man.

[Jason]

Not to me.

[Mike]

People stub their toes, hmm.

[Jason]

I bite my mouth or cheek or tongue. At least, like, once every couple months that happens.

[Andy]

And then how many bites days days of bites, other bites, follow up bites.

[Jason]

Yeah, it might as well be zombie in my mouth, just gnawing on my flesh.

[Andy]

I don't even know what that means. Mike, which one are you going for? I think I take the. I think I'd rather bite my tongue.

[Mike]

I'm doing. I'm going to stub the toe.

[Andy]

All right, let's. Let's take a break and dish out some advice.

[Jason]

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Spitballers to the rescue.

[Andy]

Well, you know, every so often we have to get real on this show. You know, it's fun and games. We like to make your week really happy, Entertaining, enjoyable.

[Jason]

We goof off sometimes.

[Andy]

Sometimes we have a moment or two where we're goofing around.

[Jason]

No more.

[Andy]

But this is about life advice, and sometimes we just need to keep it real. Right, Mike?

[Mike]

I agree.

[Andy]

Yeah. Lucas from the website has a crisis he's going through, and I think we're here to help.

[Jason]

Yeah, we are.

[Andy]

My significant other insists on keeping every single receipt we have filing cabinets for full of past paid invoices and receipts. How can I convince them to declutter and organize the receipts without causing another fight about it? So Lucas is obviously married to a much older woman.

[Jason]

Okay, so I am curious here. The second part of this question. How can I convince him to declutter and organize the. The receipts?

Why do you have any? Why do you have it? Andy, let me ask you. Because you're the most organized. Yeah, we'll say organized.

[Andy]

Good word.

[Jason]

Good word of us. You strike me as someone who might keep their receipts. Or at the very least, you have most recently.

Kept your receipts out of the three of us. Do you think I'm correct?

[Andy]

I get what you're saying, but I'm also.

[Mike]

Immediate reaction. Sir, would you like a receipt with that?

[Andy]

If it's more than 500, he's already lost. If it's more than 500 bucks, sure.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

For like, just a minute. And then I throw it away. The truth of the matter is I was over and this is going to sell my parents down the river. I was over at their house. They just moved and, you know, they're getting stuff at the house, and I'm helping them set up the ring doorbell. And they're like, they didn't have one part that we needed for the ring doorbell. So I say, you should pick it up on Amazon. Here's the link. My mom is so thorough. And this is why you think that I am this way, is because I inherited much of this.

[Jason]

The organization.

[Andy]

The organization, yeah. She's so thorough that she gets to the last page on Amazon and before she clicks place order, she goes and grabs a book and she brings it back over and she'll write down what she's buying and how much it costs on the final invoice of Amazon, mind you.

[Mike]

With paper.

[Andy]

With paper. Okay. So she has a book of Amazon purchases she keeps close track of, even though On Amazon, it will tell you your orders in perfect accuracy. And she had to write it down with the cost before she clicked play, placed the order.

[Jason]

Now, did this book have previous purchases? Is this, like, her receipt book?

[Andy]

Yes. This is like, a record of everything she's bought on Amazon.

[Mike]

Now, how do you keep that in order?

[Andy]

There was a benefit from this. She had bought something else I told her to buy we didn't need anymore. And it was a while back, and I'm like, oh, well, we can't return this in two shakes of a lamb's tail. She opened up a cabinet, and there was the box and everything that came with it, and she had it all to ship right back.

[Mike]

It's not worth it.

[Jason]

But she didn't need the book for that.

[Andy]

Well, no, she didn't need the book, but I'm just saying it's part of keeping everything. If you keep track of everything in a really thorough way, once every 12 years, you need it.

[Jason]

Okay, so to get back to Lucas here.

Don'T convince them to organize the receipts without causing a fight. This is a get rid of receipts problem.

[Andy]

What are your feelings on this? Like, do you not save any receipts because you just don't need them?

[Jason]

Yes, you don't need them. You don't need them for any place.

[Andy]

No, you do.

[Jason]

No, you don't.

[Mike]

Where would you need one?

[Andy]

Because you cannot. Not every place has digital records of what you purchase at all. Like, if you didn't put in your phone number at Lowe's, for example.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. They just look it up by the card.

[Mike]

Your credit card. No problem if you're paying in cash. Okay. That's a different story.

[Jason]

But if it.

[Mike]

But if it's my credit card, then it's tracked to your credit card.

[Jason]

Yeah. And I don't pay my cash.

[Andy]

I feel like I've gone in some of these places, and they'll be like, no, the best I could do is store credit because we don't have your receipt.

[Mike]

That's.

[Andy]

There are some places that do that. I don't. Maybe Lowe's was the wrong one, but.

[Mike]

I feel like that. No, it definitely used to be that.

[Andy]

Now, the key here is I snap a quick picture on your phone.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

And throw it away.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Oh, that's. That's actually good.

[Andy]

I do that sometimes on something important. I'll snap a quick picture, and I'm surprised how many times I need to reference the order number or something, because I'll have to. I'll call them up, and I'll be like, they'll be like, what. What is the number on the receipt?

[Mike]

Or whatever. That is the real answer for the people who really want to keep everything. You just digitize and then you have that organized. Why.

[Jason]

Why do. Why do receipts ever. Why do they exist? Why do we do this?

[Mike]

But they. Because they used to be really important.

[Jason]

We do not need them.

[Andy]

No, we needed cast events. Yeah, but, like, it's a remnant. It's a forgotten old. It's something to help the old people feel like they're still living in the world that they knew.

[Jason]

But, I mean, it's still the young people. You know, you go to McDonald's, just. They're printing out here.

[Andy]

Well, I mean, you do need. Look, if you buy something in the store, what's funny is, like, if they didn't give you a receipt or a bag. Do you know that feeling when they just hand you the box and then you, like, start walking towards Walmart's exit? And then you don't have either of those things, and it's like they don't know. If you just took it off the shelf. It's to prove you purchased it. How would you prove.

[Jason]

I think you couldn't. I think that every single transaction you make, like, I don't know if you guys have experienced this recently. I went to a. I went to a farmer's market. Okay. And they all accepted, like, the swipe or something. Yeah. They've got, like, the square or whatever. And so I tapped my phone on their little.

[Andy]

True. Yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

And then two seconds later, like, they don't have a printer.

[Andy]

You got a receipt?

[Jason]

I've got a receipt in my email. It's just automated. I don't know how it works. It's magic. But it's done. Like, it's time for this world to, like, grow up from receipts.

[Andy]

It's all about.

The older generation not being able to acclimate. It really is. When you were bridging a Gap, man.

[Mike]

So, Jay, when you were younger, did you ever keep your receipts?

[Jason]

No, no. Back when you were supposed to. And you had the shoebox. I think there was one. Not just the shoebox.

[Mike]

I think I'm talking about your wallets.

[Jason]

Oh, gosh, no, no.

[Mike]

I had. I had times in my life where.

[Andy]

Well, we.

[Mike]

Oh, the wallet. It was like your George Costanza. It's like 75 deep. Just so many receipts that had been there for so long that when you actually. You pull it out and look at it, you can't read anything.

[Jason]

Right.

[Mike]

It's all. Everything has rubbed and Faded off. And it's just a piece of paper now that I carry around.

[Andy]

So what I would do is if the problem, which seems to be multiple filing cabinets of space, have them, you know, set a boundary. Look, you can stair step this. Things that cost more than $500 thousand. You can hang onto those receipts for a month, something like that.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's digitized, man.

[Andy]

All right. Is that good enough advice?

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. Pretty fantastic.

[Andy]

By the way, is there any futuristic technology that you would decline from a privacy standpoint? Because you're talking about streamlining, right? Like if you walked in and it was just like a retinal scan for purchase. It was like drip your blood right here for purchase. That would be inconvenient.

[Jason]

I have a kind of a rule when it comes to my digital security, or privacy, I think is more of the right word that I have none. I already know that I've got no privacy. All my data is everywhere. So I don't care. Scan me, whatever, okay? That's how I live.

[Andy]

Scan me, drain my blood.

[Jason]

Chip me.

[Andy]

Logan from Patreon needs some life advice. Let's get serious again.

[Jason]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Andy]

My in laws have moved into our basement quote. And the quotes are probably important temporarily, but it has been a year. How do I gently nudge them towards finding their own place without starting a family feud? Logan, you are in. You are in a tough, tough spot. I'm not sure there's a more difficult situation to navigate. And I'm, you know, I think Mike probably.

[Mike]

What's the word?

[Andy]

Has some advice for you.

[Mike]

When a judge is like, I'm too close to this case.

[Jason]

They recused.

[Mike]

I have recused myself from this question.

[Jason]

Oh, wait, who wrote this question? Was this coming in?

[Andy]

Logan.

[Mike]

It was Logan.

[Jason]

Logan from Patreon. Well, thank you, Logan. This is. So how do you look?

[Andy]

There are some people that are built.

[Mike]

Disregard the notes that I will be writing down.

[Andy]

There are some people in the world that don't.

Pick up social cues or understand the way the sensibilities of the common man and woman.

[Mike]

Good stuff.

[Andy]

And they'll never get it right. Like those people will never think to themselves, hmm, I wonder if I'm overstaying my welcome. Yeah, there are people like that.

[Jason]

Oh, for sure.

You're gonna need to default. That would be my number one.

My number one piece of advice is to.

[Andy]

Oh, I think they'll let them stay there forever then.

[Jason]

Well, that's fine. They could squat. But if you stop paying that bill, you will be Kicked out. And then you got to find a new place to live and you're going to downsize.

[Andy]

All right? Different option. You adopt another child that needs the space to live in.

[Jason]

Okay, okay, so. But.

[Andy]

But that doesn't really fix your amount of people in the house problem.

[Jason]

I promise you your in laws are going to help build that crib in your bedroom. You know what I mean? They're not.

[Andy]

Can you fly? What about a plumbing situation?

[Jason]

Oh, look at Nice.

[Andy]

Are you willing to get some remediation work? Is it worth like, what would you pay in cash, Logan?

[Jason]

Oh, that's a. Yeah.

[Andy]

I mean, what's your cash value of them leaving?

[Jason]

Sometimes you got to throw money at a problem, you know?

[Andy]

I mean, that is a. I mean.

[Jason]

Like if they're in the basement. Let's say you're in a basement house. That's their area. You could back that thing up.

[Mike]

What if it's an upstairs and that's where everyone already lives?

I mean, hypothetically speaking, guys, Logan might have that problem.

[Jason]

Okay. Okay.

[Andy]

Logan could have any. I mean, he does say basement, but I mean, it could be the upper basement.

[Jason]

Yeah. So it's. Let's. It's the upstairs and everyone lives there.

[Andy]

I do like that. I thought of like flooding the basement would cost you thousands, and that thousands could have gone to getting them another place. I mean, I think getting them another place is your option here. If you put a price tag on it, what's it worth to you? 50 grand.

[Jason]

That's a lot.

[Andy]

25 grand.

[Jason]

That's a lot of money.

[Andy]

But then the alternative is saying they could live here forever.

[Jason]

How do I nudge them towards finding their own place?

[Andy]

Bedbugs.

[Jason]

You want them to move out? How do you actually get someone to. I think you gotta get your license. You gotta.

[Mike]

What kind of license?

[Jason]

Real estate. You gotta take this.

[Andy]

Oh. Cause they'll feel like they want to help you.

[Jason]

Absolutely. And you can give them a second deal.

[Andy]

Oh my God. That's the solution.

[Jason]

You can give them a one get.

[Andy]

A real estate license. It's not that expensive.

[Jason]

No, it was like.

[Andy]

I know.

[Jason]

Yeah, it was like two grand. Forget 50 grand. It was like two grand.

[Andy]

A couple weeks of classes and then it's like, oh my gosh, this is gonna be so great, Grandma and Pop Pop. Because I have a license and you.

[Mike]

Need a home and I need to build up my portfolio.

[Jason]

It would be a real solid to me.

[Mike]

Yeah. Do me a favor.

[Jason]

I'll give you a good rate.

[Mike]

Commission free.

[Jason]

Yeah. Oh, commission free.

[Andy]

I'll pay you 3%.

[Jason]

Yeah. And then the nice thing is you're gonna be able to open up a portal for them so that you can help every day. Look.

[Mike]

Look at them.

[Jason]

I mean, this is you helping them, them helping you, and in the end, boom. Blam, they're out.

[Andy]

If you need some schools, let me know. All of you out there in this situation.

[Jason]

Yeah. If you're in Arizona, we've got a school we can recommend.

[Andy]

Yeah, Yeah, I think that's a great answer.

[Jason]

So default or become a realtor. Those are your two easiest paths.

[Andy]

Or flood the basement, I guess.

[Mike]

There that many real estate schools?

[Andy]

There's a handful.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

It's not.

[Andy]

It's not just one.

[Jason]

They're not all.

[Andy]

They're all super for profit. Yeah.

[Mike]

It's a private company.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

Lily from the website, My best friend insists on organizing themed dinners where you must dress as characters from obscure movies and try to stay in character throughout the night. How can I escape these without hurt feelings?

[Mike]

Do you need to recuse yourself?

[Jason]

I was wondering what these hand gestures were on the audio podcast. You were really struggling there. Is this a little too close to home? I think it is.

[Andy]

What was the question?

[Mike]

It's about themed dinners.

[Andy]

Yeah, I mean, I think you guys. Mike hasn't talked a lot, so just pay no attention to these notes I'm taking.

[Jason]

Themed dinners were much stressful.

[Andy]

Those can be fun. But you. You got to do them very, very, very periodically.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because I haven't done this. We did one. We did, like, a murder mystery party. I mean, this is. Now.

[Andy]

Those are fun.

[Mike]

A year, two years ago, those are fun.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

So reading this, I'm like, that sounds.

[Andy]

Really fun because it's been a while.

[Mike]

But if I had done one last week, I go, ooh, yeah.

[Andy]

And there's a lot of prep you got to do. You know, you got to buy stuff, so you can't do them that often.

[Jason]

Escaping things without hurting feelings is pretty easy. I mean, become a realtor, you get your license. I'm sorry. I got a client. I got to show it.

[Andy]

That's the solution for all of life's problem.

[Jason]

Get your license. No, my. You know, it's like, look, sometimes you get diarrhea.

[Mike]

It's a realtor emergency. I need to leave.

[Jason]

I'm getting paged.

I mean, we all get diarrhea from time to time. I'm just saying, they're not going to double check your toilet, you know, I.

[Mike]

Mean, I feel like you can probably.

[Andy]

You're saying that as an excuse.

[Jason]

I'M saying yes.

[Mike]

Show me that toilet.

[Jason]

I don't believe you.

[Mike]

Take a picture.

[Jason]

I don't believe you for a minute. Take a picture, you liar.

[Andy]

I don't feel like that. I do not feel justified to be like, I can't come to your party because I got diarrhea. Like, that's not the sentence I want to say.

[Jason]

Okay, well.

[Andy]

And I don't think diarrhea lasts long enough.

[Jason]

I'm throwing up. I'm sick. I'm ill. My point is, like, you.

[Mike]

Better show me that toilet.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I'm just saying. Lie.

[Mike]

I mean, I would bet for a lot of these you can find the right character that will help you get out of things.

[Jason]

Like a mime. You just show up and you don't have to do nothing.

[Mike]

Well, you would have to mime. Aren't you a warrior?

[Jason]

That is true. I do have a trophy. That is a fact. I did win.

[Mike]

But I'm saying, like, be a dodgy character. Someone who disappears. Or they're just such. They're a bit part and they're barely in the movie. And you're just like. I was really respecting.

[Andy]

Let's be honest. You're getting a dinner out of this.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You're not. Unless you're the one having to host it. You're getting a dinner.

It just sounds like you're uncomfortable with your accents. Maybe you get a dialect.

[Mike]

Go. Yeah. Okay.

[Andy]

You know what I mean?

[Jason]

Yeah. I think Mike is right. It's a matter of picking the right character. Like, let's. Let's go through some practical application here. They're doing a Lord of the Rings party.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Okay. So we gotta find the character.

[Mike]

And my axe.

[Jason]

Yeah, see, that wouldn't be good. That would be like, now you gotta do an accent. Now you gotta have a beard. You gotta probably bring an ax.

So it's like, what character?

[Andy]

I think you picked a rough movie.

[Jason]

We're here to answer hard problems.

[Mike]

What was Gandalf in between?

Gray and White.

[Jason]

Missing.

[Mike]

Yeah, dude, there you go.

[Andy]

I killed off the missing.

[Jason]

Don't show up. Don't show up. And then when they're. When they text you.

[Andy]

I'm between Gray and White.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

Hold, please.

[Jason]

Just wait. And then at the very end of the night, show up.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

In your white Gandalf the white outfit. And like, you Balrog just got me. You home runned that thing.

[Andy]

That's primo.

[Jason]

So this is.

[Andy]

So find a character that's been dead in the movie so you can at least leave halfway.

[Jason]

Absolutely. So, Lily, this is Your answer? It's a matter of finding the right character. Show up for the least amount, do the least, win the day.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah. And enjoy the dinner. All right, quick break in a pointy things draft.

[Jason]

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[Mike]

The Spitballers draft well, today we are.

[Andy]

Drafting things that are pointy things that are pointy. So, Jason, you got the number one here.

[Jason]

Yeah, I know, guys. The clear 101. And the pointy things drop. There is.

[Andy]

I think there's a lot of Pointy things out there.

[Jason]

There's no limit on things that have a little bit of a point. I mean.

[Andy]

Right?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Nothing we say on this show, but otherwise, there's a lot of things.

[Mike]

Right.

[Jason]

So here I am with the 101.

[Mike]

What do you got?

[Jason]

I'm going to look. You ready? I want something special, something unique.

Not just a regular old. Oh, that's got a. The pointy tip. I'm going with the. This is going to be quite the draft. I'm going to go with something a little magical. I'm going to go with something mythological. I'm going to go with the unicorn.

[Andy]

Oh, okay.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

It's special, it's unique, it's powerful. You can put strands of it in wands, from my understanding.

[Mike]

What does it do?

[Jason]

It powers the wand, provides the magic.

[Mike]

Oh, there's nothing else.

[Andy]

I had unicorn horn on my list, and I thought that would be a sneaky one for later in the draft. I didn't know it'd be the one I want.

[Mike]

Yeah, I mean, nerd question.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

So the. A sliver of the unicorn horn goes in the wand.

[Jason]

Right.

[Mike]

And then there's a phoenix feather is also another. So this is just like the gasoline for the wall.

[Andy]

You need a magical item.

[Jason]

Yep. Dragon heart.

[Andy]

It can just be a hair. Yeah.

[Jason]

Yeah. Okay. All right.

[Mike]

Cleared it up.

[Andy]

Yeah, no, you. You got it. Okay. So I am. I'm going with something pointy for my pick, and I've actually been oddly obsessed with this item in the last month. You know how you, like, become fascinated by something and then you watch a bunch of documentaries and read books. Yeah. I'm going with Mount Everest as my pick.

[Jason]

Is there a point?

[Andy]

Yeah, there's a. Yeah, there definitely is a sharp point on the top of Everest.

[Mike]

It's a mountain, so it's not a. Not a plateau.

[Jason]

Sure. But, I mean, I see a lot of mountains where I don't sit there and think, oh, there's a point.

[Mike]

I mean, every mountain peak. Right.

[Andy]

Draw a mountain. Draw a mountain on piece of paper, Tell me what you end up with. Okay, that's a hill.

[Jason]

What if it's really big?

[Andy]

That's not a.

[Jason]

It's got a mountain.

[Andy]

He just drew this, Mike. He just drew. He drew this. A semicircle. Yeah.

[Mike]

That's not.

[Jason]

Mountains have.

[Andy]

I'm taking Mount Everest. Things were trying to ruin my picks.

[Jason]

Yeah. That's what I'm here for.

[Mike]

He's just jealous.

[Andy]

You wish.

[Jason]

It's a pretty good pick.

[Andy]

Yeah. So I know. I'm I'm super into Everest right now, so I'm taking Mount Everest.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

All right.

[Jason]

It's a pointy thing.

[Mike]

So, Jay, I thought you were going to get the one on one.

[Jason]

Oh. But you got it.

[Mike]

I did.

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

It made it all the way through the first two picks. And I'm surprised because I tipped my hand. We were talking about Gandalf.

[Andy]

I wondered.

[Mike]

Come on, guys. This is the wizard's hat.

[Andy]

Yeah, the wizard's hat is the wizard's hat. I probably would have gotten Mount Everest on the way back, wouldn't I?

[Jason]

Let me.

[Mike]

I'm going to check my notes. Yes.

[Andy]

Darn.

[Mike]

Yeah. But no, you gotta start it off.

[Andy]

Wizards hat is a great pick.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Gryffindor.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's great. It's great.

[Jason]

That's a good pick.

[Mike]

And then I will take.

[Andy]

So, to be clear, we have. So far, we have one real item and two fake pointy things. What?

[Mike]

A wizard's hat is a real thing.

[Jason]

So is a unicorn horn.

[Mike]

No items. I was much.

[Andy]

I mean, is a wizard's hat a real thing?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You could.

[Mike]

I can give you a hat right now.

[Andy]

Wizards aren't real.

[Jason]

Correct. But a wizard's hat is real.

[Andy]

I guess that's true.

[Jason]

But it's weird. Yeah.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

They aren't magical. I'm sorry to tell you that part.

[Jason]

But to be fair, they're never magical.

[Andy]

There are no wizards, Chell.

[Mike]

That's a Mickey Mouse.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[Jason]

All right. His hat. But his hat's not pointy, right? Oh, no, it is.

[Andy]

It's pretend.

[Jason]

Wizards had some fortune. I thought it was a top hat at first.

[Andy]

You know that a wizard's hat. If you make a wizard's hat right now and someone puts it on, it's just a person's hat.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

You know that's what I'm saying.

[Jason]

Don't put it on.

[Andy]

Wait. If you don't put it on, it could still be a wizard's hat. Thank you.

[Mike]

Speaking of very real things, I will take Wolverine's claws.

[Jason]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Andy]

It was on my list.

[Jason]

That's not on my list.

[Andy]

Come on, man. Wolverine's claws. Very pointy.

[Mike]

Very pointy. I mean, it's so pointy.

[Andy]

It's so disappointing.

[Mike]

It's out of his hands every time.

[Andy]

Three of my items. Three of the top ones on my. Now I've got to take something really pedestrian.

[Mike]

Wait, we've managed to take three of your picks.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

Incredible.

[Jason]

Yeah. Good work.

[Andy]

Wolverine's claws. Gandalf's. Hat, slash wizard hat is what I wrote down. And then, of course, a unicorn horn. So I've got Mount Everest. I'm gonna just go with a sword. I mean, sometimes you got to take a pointy thing.

[Mike]

Yeah, no, it's in a pointy thing.

[Andy]

Strapped. You got it. Sometimes you got to go with the pointy thing.

[Mike]

Get to the basics.

[Andy]

The pointiest of things, a sword.

[Jason]

Oh, man, I like sword. That was on my list. I don't have a very big list. Oh, wow.

[Andy]

You said that with such real struggle. Now I would. What I would do, Jason, start thinking of more pointy things and write them down.

[Mike]

You struggled to find pointy things.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's. You got two picks right now.

[Jason]

Yeah, and I'm gonna make two great picks. Look, this is what I think is the best pick in this draft. I knew it could come back to me. There's no way you guys would take it. You're gonna be like, ah, it's too round. No, there's nothing that is a better pointy thing.

[Andy]

You're pre attacking our criticism.

[Jason]

Yes, there is nothing more pointy.

[Mike]

Nothing more pointy than your pointer finger.

[Jason]

I am taking my pointer finger, baby. I'm a point. Look how pointy I am.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Mike]

It doesn't have to be sharp to be.

[Andy]

They call it your pointer finger.

[Jason]

Call it your pointer finger. I'm a point at everything. I'm going to make good points.

That's all I'm going to do.

[Mike]

What have we become?

[Andy]

What does he become?

[Jason]

And then I got two.

[Andy]

Show is pointless. Yeah.

[Jason]

All right. I'm going to look.

[Mike]

Go with a thumb.

[Jason]

We're going to go. They don't call it. There's one pointer finger. There's one. That's fine.

We did the zombie thing. I'm out. I'm gonna take a vampire spike. Okay. Okay.

[Mike]

Because steak.

[Jason]

Yes, a steak.

[Mike]

Josh thought that was very funny.

[Andy]

What was the thoughts, Josh.

[Mike]

What's so funny back there?

[Andy]

A vampire spike. It's called a steak.

[Jason]

Did I say a vampire spike?

[Mike]

You did.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I have it literally written down as vampire steak, because, of course it's a steak, but yes, a vampire steak, because that.

[Andy]

That thing that sounds like a T bone.

[Jason]

That's got to be. It's got to be sharp. It's got to be pointy. You're having to, you know, get this through flesh and it's got. Yeah. It's got to be able to, you know, withstand. You don't want it to break. You know, it's strong.

[Andy]

I'm going to follow it up then with a vampire one, too. Oh, I wrote vampire fangs.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

So I'm taking those. What do you feel about that?

[Jason]

Way cooler than this. Way cooler.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah. I thought you were gonna take another one from the list, but you didn't. Yeah. So just so we know where we're at with.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Catch everyone up.

[Andy]

Jason has a unicorn horn.

[Jason]

Awesome.

[Andy]

That's actually a phrase that's pretty weird to say. Unicorn horn. Yeah, give it a try.

[Jason]

Unicorn horn, pointy finger. Pretty fun.

[Andy]

And a vampire steak. Or a spike, as he said. Oh, man, if you use the spike, it wouldn't work because it's not wood, Right? Oh, man, that would be so disappointing.

[Jason]

I have wooden spikes.

[Andy]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

I think of a spike is like one of the things they use on the railroads to hammer them in. I guess some of those are wood too, Probably. I have Mount Everest, a sword and vampire fangs. Mike has a wizard's hat and Wolverine's claws. And two more picks.

[Mike]

Oh, it's set up perfectly, guys, because I'm. I've got a combo here.

[Jason]

Uh.

[Mike]

Oh, I got. I got a combo.

[Andy]

Two points.

[Mike]

I got a combo of two. Two points. Just. This is a.

[Jason]

Call that a field goal.

[Mike]

What?

[Andy]

No, you don't.

[Mike]

What?

[Andy]

Two points.

[Jason]

A two pointer.

[Mike]

A two. Oh, like a basketball field goal.

[Jason]

Yeah, baby. Swish. I'm on fire. Go on, Mike.

[Andy]

Whoever is dealing him drugs needs to stop.

[Mike]

Anyways. It's a. It's a.

[Andy]

We do a football show.

[Mike]

It's a special shout out to all the spelunkers out there.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

Who are listening. We have a huge demo.

[Andy]

Yeah. A lot of splunkers. Audience, you're getting both.

[Mike]

I'm getting. I'm getting stalagmites and stalactites, baby.

[Jason]

That's nice, because you don't even. Now. It doesn't matter which.

[Mike]

Yeah. Which one's the top? I don't care. I got both.

[Andy]

Incredible. Double pick.

[Jason]

Wow.

[Andy]

Now, they haven't showed up in our show dog yet, because I know Josh doesn't know how to spell them.

[Mike]

Yeah, one of them has a C.

Stalac.

[Andy]

Stalagmites. I don't know. That's a great pick.

[Mike]

It is.

[Jason]

So one of them does not have a C, then.

[Mike]

Stalagmites. Stalactites.

[Andy]

Really?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

This is what you've remembered from class?

[Mike]

This is what I saw on the Google.

[Andy]

Wow.

[Mike]

I did not remember that. But just for those keeping track at home, the stalactites are the one on the roof. They're holding on tight.

[Andy]

On the roof.

[Mike]

Yeah, the cave roof.

[Andy]

The ceiling.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

Okay. We're so science. My final pick. I'm going to go. I don't want to be boring. I could take another boring pick.

I know so many pointy things. I mean, I know hundreds of pointy things, but I'm going to go with a swordfish. I'm going with the swordfish.

[Jason]

Oh, that's a great pick.

[Andy]

They're cool, man. They got a sword. I got the sword and the sword.

[Mike]

Human version and the fish version.

[Andy]

Yeah, dude, I got two versions of a sword. Going with the swordfish. For my final.

[Mike]

Pointy swordfish has made many appearances in our drafts.

[Andy]

Yeah. As it should. I mean, I think swordfish is one of the cooler animals.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, I think it is. It really is.

[Andy]

Some. But animals got. It could get stuck in something.

[Jason]

Yeah. Like if it goes in, like, you know, just a hole goes right into a whale.

[Andy]

Oh, like it pierces it.

[Jason]

Yeah, it would be.

[Mike]

It's stuck forever because can they swim in reverse.

[Andy]

Would you rather be.

[Mike]

Not strong enough to.

[Andy]

For the force. Would you rather be a cool looking animal that has problems like that or an ugly looking animal that's just utilitarian? It just works like a blob fish.

[Jason]

I want to be cool.

[Andy]

Okay. Okay.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Because the blobfish is not going to be part of the pointy things draft, right?

[Jason]

No, no.

[Andy]

Jason, you get one more pick. You got unicorn horn, pointer finger, a vampire steak, and then, like, you're going to need another pointy things.

[Jason]

I was thinking about a puffer fish, but it's.

[Mike]

Oh, pufferfish.

[Jason]

Swordfish is cooler. You already beat me with the vampire.

[Andy]

Yeah. You don't want to pick a second.

[Mike]

A sword. Puffer fish.

[Jason]

Is that a thing?

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Jason]

Oh, man. They got to start breeding them. So is that a thing?

[Mike]

The guy with unicorn horn.

[Jason]

So I'm going to draft.

Punk rock hair. That's what I'm going to draft.

[Mike]

Okay. There you go.

[Jason]

Very pointed, very anime. Like a style like.

[Mike]

Okay, you're going the whole. You're not going to do a mohawk.

[Jason]

Whatever.

Whatever. Pointy here.

[Andy]

He's defending that with such vigor.

[Jason]

It's the best pick I've ever made.

[Andy]

I am so impressed.

[Mike]

Would you come up with that just on the spot here?

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

The. Here's a question for you. How many times. Because you know the answer is not zero. How many times have people tried to make a unicorn? You think.

You'Ve Got to imagine somebody somewhere tried to make one.

[Jason]

I don't believe that's true.

[Mike]

How do you like a. Like a narwhal and a horse?

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

Like a new.

[Andy]

That is what I'm getting. Or a rhino and a horse would be another way to do it.

[Mike]

But a rhino is not a unit.

[Jason]

Yeah, there's kind of.

[Mike]

There's a couple.

[Jason]

They got like the small one before the big one.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

All of rhinos have doubles, I believe, so there's not like a single. Like, you know how some of the camels have got 1, 2, 3 humps? You don't think there's a rhino with like a single.

[Jason]

I don't think any camels have three humps.

[Andy]

I know we got a biologist in the building. Papa Josh. Wait, there are no three humped camels. Oh, Josh is shaking his head back there.

[Mike]

Hold on, hold on. Yeah, no, we have a one. There is a one horned rhino. Oh, all right.

[Jason]

So you breed that with a horsey.

[Mike]

Yeah, So I.

[Jason]

So when.

[Andy]

So I was right.

[Jason]

Maybe, but when? Well, because when you said that people were trying to make a unicorn, I literally thought about the magic. I'm like, nobody thinks they can make a magical animal.

[Andy]

Oh, because you think of unicorns as. Because they're like, can fly or whatever or.

[Jason]

No, that's Pegasus. That's a Pegasus.

[Andy]

No magic.

[Mike]

What do they do?

[Andy]

What's their magical power?

[Jason]

They have extreme healing properties. They're.

They're so you Dr. Zombie or Dr. Unicorn. Yeah.

[Mike]

This is part of Harry Potter.

[Jason]

Yeah, it is.

[Andy]

Hey, Papa Josh. And we've got the falcon in the building. Any glaring omissions from our pointy things draft that you guys could. That you guys thought of?

[Jason]

I was going to say narwhal, but.

[Andy]

Then you guys mentioned it. Yeah, I had porcupine quills on my list. What did you have, Matt?

[Mike]

I was going to say like a spear.

[Andy]

Jason.

[Jason]

Oh, how did I miss a spear?

[Andy]

Wow. You had to go for vampire steak.

[Jason]

I put that on the end of the stick and now I got a real weapon.

[Mike]

Yeah, I am pretty surprised you didn't go with spear.

[Jason]

How did I not go spear? I am mad at myself.

[Andy]

Well, you'll. You'll live.

[Jason]

What did we learn today?

[Mike]

There's a one horned rhino.

[Jason]

I learned that getting your real estate license will help you with most major life events.

[Andy]

I learned that a wizard's hat only stays a wizard's hat when it's not put on anybody's head. All right, that'll do it for the spitballers. Thank you for joining us once again. Thank you Papa Josh, for dropping that very vanilla scat on us and we'll be back with another episode next week.

[Mike]

Goodbye.

[Jason]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com.

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