← Story Pirates
Story Pirates
Butts/The Audition (feat. John Legend and F. Michael Haynie)
00:41:57
A magnetic, musical manatee (John Legend) tries to convince the Story Pirates to form a marching band, but is he really who he says he is?
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- [00:02]
Lee Overtree
Hey, Story Pirates podcast listeners. Lee here. Today's episode is really special because we have not one, but two incredible special guests. First of all, the Legend himself, John Legend is here in celebration of his brand new album for kids and families called My Favorite Dream. We also have Broadway star F. Michael Haney here to sing a brand new song that I promise you will not forget anytime soon. All of that coming up after a few words for the grown ups Story Pirates, rise and shine. It's time for a busy and productive day full of everyone's favorite activity chores. Oh, my favorite activity is sleeping. Lee, respectfully, you said you weren't gonna wake us up at 5:30 in the. And I didn't. I woke you up at 5:28 in the morning. But don't worry, chores can be fun. Especially when you spend the entire day doing them. Gather round the chore wheel, everyone. Chore wheel, Chore wheel, Chore wheel. Okay, here are everybody's chores for the day. Rachel, you're gonna swab the deck on it. Megan, you are going to braid Peter's beard on it. Peter, you're gonna wax and polish the chore. Wh. Eric, you're going to compliment the chef on it. Nimini, you're going to tell all the vegetables in the vegetable garden that they're doing a great job on it. And that's it. What about you, Lee? What's your chore? I'm going to walk around the boat tying all the ropes into knots because you know how I like to run a tight ship. Literally. I don't get it. Now everyone remember all of these chores are incredibly important and I want to make sure we don't have any. Any distractions. Distractions? You mean like a. A gigantic tidal wave? Yes, Nimini, that's a perfect example of a distraction. Thankfully, there's no chance of a gigantic tidal wave. Wow. This wave is literally humongous. It's so big that it's washing up a bunch of stuff from the depths of the ocean. A tuba, a trumpet, several different types of drum. Oh, silly sound effects machine. A sea creature. Wow. It's a whale. It's a sea lion. It's a plane. Oh, sorry. I was looking at the sky. What are you guys looking at? Whoa. It's a sea lion. Hmm, let's see. No discernible neck, 24 to 32 molars, evenly rounded paddle shaped tail. This is no sea lion. It's. It's a manatee. Yes, exactly. Thank you. Wait, it can talk? Oh, it can do a lot more than talk. Hello, Story pirates. My name is Professor Hugo St Pierre von Hugo Archibald Manatee III. But you can call me Hugh. Hugh Manatee. I don't get it, but I'm no ordinary manatee. I'm a music manatee. And I know I've only been here for roughly 30 seconds, but I can already. There's a lot of talent on this ship. Thank you. A casting director once told me that I'm constantly doing too much. You know what I think? I think it's about time the story pirates took a break from all of their chores and formed a marching band instead. Oh, thank you, but I don't think we need a. Yes, we'd love to form a marching band. Chores. Pfft. What are those? Marching band time. Yeah, let's go. We don't need this anymore. Let's see if this chore wheel floats. It doesn't. I for one, am gonna do whatever this charming manatee tells me to. I trust him. That's right. You can trust me. A random manatee with nothing to hide. Good night. Sweet, sweet chore wheel. I love story P. Very different from everybody. Confusion is the step before curiosity. Okay, that's a really funny idea. We have to send that in. You can dive deep and get to know someone. I believe all the things in my story. Human beings are just able to create the story pirates. Welcome back to the Story Pirates podcast, everyone, where we take stories written by kids and turn them into sketch comedy and songs. And today is special because a mysterious, charming manatee just flopped onto our ship and told us to start a marching band. We don't have time to start a marching band. We're supposed to be doing chores. Oh, Lee, don't be silly. We threw the chore wheel into the ocean. It made a whole splash sound and everything. Remember that? You cried. I agree with Megan. Some things are more important than chores. And something tells me this manatee is about to transform our lives through the power of song. But first, let's do a story. Okay, listeners, as you probably know, the story pirates usually traffic in high brow entertainment. You know, serious subjects that are fancy and not at all about things like butts. But every once in a while, a story comes across our collective desk that demands to be performed, even though it may be about butts. So fair warning, this next song is about butts. Nothing gross, I promise. Just, you know, about how the butts want to live in the wonderful city of Hong Kong. Yeah. And it features one of today's special guests, the incredible Broadway singer, actor, performer, F. Michael Haney. Here's the author to introduce it. My name is Malky, I'm seven years old and I live in Pennsylvania. This is my story. But listen kids and grownups too. I got important news for you. Stop what you do and take my advice. If you can hear my voice, clap twice. Now grab a pen and write this down and spread the word all over town. Butts are everywhere, Butts are nowhere. Butts are up your underwear. Butts are long, butts are strong. But want to live in Hong Kong. I know it's shocking what you heard me say. But now's not time for a Q and a. I said what I said. It's in black and white. And we'll be on the news tonight. Breaking news about the butts. Do what you will with the information. Cause the butts are getting information. Butts are everywhere, Butts are nowhere. Butts are up your underwear. Butts are long, butts are strong. Butts want to live in Hong Kong. And the butts are booming and the butts are grooving. Look to the sky, you'll see their flight. Cause the butts are leaving town tonight. Butts are everywhere, butts are nowhere. Butts are up your underwear, Butts are long, butts are strong. Butts want to live in Hong Kong. An apartment. Music Manatee. Tell us why you're really here. I've come to transform this ragtag bunch of story pirates into the greatest marching band this side of the Marriott. I am a traveling manatee, you see. I've been everywhere from the Chesapeake Bay to the Delaware River. Those are really close to each other, I think. Point is, I bring musical instruments everywhere I go, inspiring good folks all around the greater mid Atlantic area to transform their lives through the power of song. Wow. Sort of like the music Man. Never heard of it. It's really good. You should check it out. Will do you story. Pirates are in luck. Kiss all your troubles goodbye. Because professor humanity has inspired countless podcasters to become singing, dancing, trumpet tooting superstars. Remember the musical episode of Cereal? No, that was me. The entire season of this American life. That was just one long flute solo. No. Me again. You're welco. There's never been a manatee more musical than me. There's seldom been a sea creature so songly in the sea. And there's never been an aquatic animal as alliterative as me. And now it's time for the story pirates to become the next great American marching band. I don't know about this. We have a pretty good setup here. No need to rock the boat. Oh, come on, Lee. I've always said we need a musical director. Aren't I always saying that? About how nobody on this ship can carry a tune or keep a beat if they're like, depended on it. I am always saying that. Hey, I can carry a tune and keep a beat. Oh, Eric, you're actually getting a lot better. Professor Manatee, maybe you can show us all how to sing. Should we do a duet? A little pas de deux? Oh, oh, oh. No, no, no. I won't be singing today. This is about you. Let's get started. Everybody grab an instrument. I see we have some work to do. Nemene, think of the trombone as a heartbeat. It should be an extension of who you are and what you want to say. Wow. That's beautiful. Thank you. Better. Eric, think of the drums as a heartbeat. It should be an extension of who you are and what you want to say. I love that. That's the same thing he said to Nimini. And now, Rachel, I see you chose the tuba. And the cello. And the pedal. Still guitar. I like a challenge. Think of those instruments as sort of like, oh, I don't know, a heartbeat. They should be an extension of who you are and what you want to say. Wow. Poetic. Mr. Manatee. Not Mr. Manatee was my uncle. Please call me Professor. Professor Manatee, is that your only advice for everyone? The heartbeat thing? Yes. Now, let's hear the whole band together one more time. That sounded incredible. Did it? I thought it sounded almost exactly the same as the first time. Maybe you can demonstrate for us. Show us how a professional plays these instruments. Oh, I would rather not. I don't want to embarrass anyone with how good I am. I'm very good. Do you have any credentials, proof that you're actually a qualified music professor? What are you trying to say, Lee? Yeah, Lee, what are you trying to say? We love the music. Manatee. He's transforming our lives through the power of songs. Then why did this flyer just fall out of his tote bag? It has a picture of a manatee on it who looks just like him. And it says, warning, do not trust this manatee. He is a con artist who pretends to know a lot about music, but actually doesn't. Professor, do you know anything about this? That's a picture of a different guy. Different guy. I knew we could trust him. Okay, ready, everyone? Time to play that song you've been working on. 5, 6, 7, 8. Our lives have been transformed through the power of music and song. The manatee helped us Realize the talent inside us all along. Thank you, Music Manatee. Thank you, Music Manatee. Stop. Everybody stop. All of the marching and singing and dancing is rocking the boat, literally. Well, be right back after a few words. For the grownups, a new year means new opportunities. And if you've been thinking about starting your own business, let this be your sign to take the leap. Of course, this decision comes with a lot of questions, like, how do I get started? How do I come up with a brand? How do I sell stuff to people? What am I even going to sell? Well, if you have all those questions, you can take a deep breath, because Shopify's got you. Shopify makes it simple to create your brand, open for business, and get your first sale. With Shopify, you can get your store up and running easily with thousands of customizable templates. No coding or design skills required. All you need to do is drag and drop. Their powerful social media tools let you connect all your channels and create shoppable posts to help you sell everywhere people scroll. And Shopify makes it easy to manage all the details like shipping taxes and payments from one single dashboard, allowing you to focus on the important stuff, like growing your business. The best time to start your business is right now. And with Shopify, your first sale is closer than you think. Established in 2025. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com realm all lowercase go to shopify.com realm to start selling with Shopify today. Shopify.com realm stop. Everybody stop. All this marching and singing and dancing is rocking the boat. We're all going to be thrown overboard. Phew. That was a close call. Wait a second. When the boat rocked, another flyer fell out of the professor's tote bag. Oh, you don't need to read that. Don't worry about that. I mean, if we read every flyer that fell out of a manatee's tote bag, we'd never get anything done, right? This one says, warning, do not trust this manatee. He's gonna say that the manatee on the other flyer is a picture of a different guy. Ha. I knew it. Professor Manatee is lying. Say it isn't so. No, Lee's right. Gasp. It's true. I've been lying to you all. I can't sing or dance or. Or play any instruments. But you said you could. I mean, at least you heavily implied that you could. Okay, it was a suit. Yeah, yeah, that's a healthy. Why would you heavily Imply that you could sing and dance and play instruments if you couldn't. I can't think of a worse lie. This is the most betrayed I've felt since the day I was forced out of my family band, the Jonas Brothers. It's not what you think. I promise. Oh, yeah? Then explain yourself. I can't sing or dance or play instruments because I'm shy. That's right, you can't. Because you're a no good. Wait, What? You're shy? Yes, I'm shy. I love music and I love to make music. But only when no one's watching. That's why I travel around flopping onto people's ships and spreading the joy of marching bands. So I can watch people do what I never had the courage to do. Because I'm so shy. Aw. Why didn't you just tell us you were shy? I wanted to, but I was too shy. That makes sense. I'm sorry, Professor Manatee. I wouldn't have been so hard on you if I'd known that you were shy. I hope you'll forgive me, story Pirates. I didn't mean any harm. Really. I'm just a shy manatee trying to make my way in this cold, dark world. I meant what I said. I really do think you have what it takes to be a great marching man. Please don't be mad. We're not mad. We just didn't know you were shy. We forgive you. Ah, thank you, story Pirates. Oh, no. I hate to interrupt this beautiful moment, but we're stuck. What do you mean? I think while Professor Manatee was telling us about how shy he is, we accidentally navigated into the great Pacific sticky patch. This ship is totally stuck. Oh, no. What do we do? Uh oh. What do we do? We gotta get out of here. If only there were some way to move the ship back to unstuck it. I know what we need to do. We need to rock the boat. Are you saying what I think you're saying? Do you think I'm saying that we should march around and play our song so that the ship rocks back and forth? Yes. Then, yes. Ready, everyone? A five, six, seven, eight. Our lives have been transformed through the power of music and song. The manatee helped us realize the talons inside us all along. Uh oh. The boat is rocking. But not enough to unstuck us. It's almost like we need just one more person to sing and dance and play an instrument with us. Or one more manatee. Okay. Hand me that saxophone. Oh, I don't know if I can do this. I'm too shy. You can do it. A saxophone is like a heartbeat. It should be an extension of who you are and what you want to say. You're right. I'm ready. Here goes nothing. I don't get it. All together now. Thank you, Music Manatee. Thank you, Music Manatee, for transforming our lives through the power of. Hit it, Manatee. Music and song. Yay. We're not stuck anymore. I'm not shy anymore. Uh, we're good, actually. All right, that's plenty. Okay, Music Manatee. That's enough. You can stop singing now. Thanks, Music Manatee. Thank you. Keep the instruments. I'm heading back to the ocean. I'll never forget you. Bye. Wow. Wow. That guy was a real legend. An absolute legend. Just totally John. Legendary. We get it, Peter. Well, Story Pirates. Should we do another story? Yeah. And here to introduce it is the author. Hi, I'm Nora. I'm 10 years old and I live in Massachusetts. This is my story. The audition. Hello, this is Tom G. Yeah, I'll get back to you on that, Ronaldo. Okay, sounds good. Bye. Good morning, Tom G. Morning, Thomas. Are you ready for another day of writing Doggies the Musical? I sure am. Who was that on the phone? Oh, that was just Ronaldo from Set Design. He wants us to make a deadline for the giant dog bone. The one you said should fall on the dog dogs faces during daydreams. I forgot about the dog bone. Who is it? It's Tina. Your long suffering and often overlooked secretary. Better be important. You're interrupting our writing process. Well, it is important. I wanted to tell you. Wait. Tom G. Today's the day the big shot producer is supposed to come by and give us the money for our musical. That's actually why I came in here. Is that today? We'd better call him and ask him to come to our office. Well, there's no need to get him on the phone because. Tina, can you get that big shot producer on the phone? No, no, because the big shot producer is here. Oh. Well, did he have an appointment? No, he said he'd rather burst through the door. Did somebody say Doggies the Musical? I guess we did a while ago. Are you ready to give us our money? Not so fast, One of the Toms. Being a big shot producer means I've produced smash hits such as Cleveland the Lion Queen and How to Succeed in Business. Assuming your dad is the one who owns the business. But does doggies have what it takes to be my next smash hit? We got something really special here. A real unique story. Usually stories start with once upon a time and end with happily ever after. But, oh, no. This story is different. Say no more. I'm sold. Here's that check for an absurdly large amount of money. Thank you, Mr. Big Shot Producer. Thank you. What's a check? Now I'm off to do what big shot producers do on their off time. Watch videos of baby ducks getting rescued until we cry. Don't say we don't have heart. We got the money. Now back to writing. Tina, put on a pot of coffee. Yes, Tom G. Now dump that coffee out. What? We can't be drinking caffeine this late in the day. Then why did you stop everything? I'm pulling the plug on Doggies the Musical. Already? Turns out there's another musical about a popular animal being produced right now. Rats. I said when I found out there ain't enough room on Broadway for your show and this other show, which I refuse to name for legal reasons. Our dreams, they're shattered. We've got no choice but to go get stable office jobs. That's show business. Now, I'll just rip up that check I gave you. Here I go. Wait. Don't rip that checkup just yet. Mr. Big Shot, huh? What if we found the perfect actor to play the lead role of Rizabella? I'm intrigued. If you find the perfect actor by tomorrow, I'll give you the money for your show. But only if they're perfect. Now I'm off to watch more baby duck videos. The one where they ride that robot vacuum cleaner. How cute. How are we gonna find the perfect actor? I've got the perfect idea. I'll just open this wind. Hey, any actors out there? Hey, I'm an actor. Great. You want to be the lead in a Broadway musical? Sorry, I'm more of a Stanislavski guy. Okay, thanks anyway. Hey, forget about it. Ugh. That was my only idea. Why don't you hold an audition? What in the nation of tar is an audition? It's where you get a bunch of actors who look almost exactly alike to learn a bunch of lines and sing you a song. None of them get paid, and only one of them gets the part. I get it. We'll hold this audition tomorrow. Actors, welcome to the auditions for Doggies the Musical. I don't know a lot about auditions because this is my very first one, but I gather a big speech will help you all get inspired to do your best acting. I love encouragement. For our audition, we'd like you to sing an original song, because that's how all auditions work, right? Not really. Sometimes it's a movement piece. Okay, now that you're inspired, show us what you got. Tina. Who's up first? Uh, Tina. Where is she? Strange. Anyway, let's hear from our first actor. Hello, I'm Lady Lala. I'm here to sing a definitely original song. Take it away, Lady Lala. Paparazzi. I'm your paparazzi. Okay, that was pretty. Okay. Okay. I said find the perfect actor, not the okayest actor. Big shop producer. What are you doing here? Eavesdropping on the auditions. Also my wifi cut up, which means no more duck videos. Here's hoping our next actor is better than okay. And next up is Roy. Guten tag. Ich ben Roy. And I have an incredible song for you. Take it away, Roy. Axon, listen now. Well, that was loud. We do need someone who can project. Project. I can project that you two bums will be wearing ties and gossiping around a water cooler at your entry level corporate job if you don't get it together and pick the perfect actor. Harrumph. Oh, Tom G. I don't want to wear a tie. Don't worry. We have one more actor. Bonjour. I am experimental composer and world renowned artiste Enoch. You are very lucky to have me here. Take it away, Enoch. Go ahead. I am. This is the song. But you aren't singing anything. And that is the point. You brought my types. You don't get it. I'm out of here. We're never going to find the perfect actor. Well, well, well. I guess you didn't find the perfect actor for the lead role. We tried, but each audition was worse than the last. We failed. I have no choice but to tear up this check. Goodbye Doggies the Musical. Wait. Tina. What are you doing here? Um, hi. I'm here to sing a song. You sing? Yeah, and I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself. I'll be the judge of that. Alright, Tina, show us what you've got. Okay, Tina, you got this. This is remembrance. The feeling I can't qu. But now I see that this belongs to me the moment I just walked in I felt it in my bones but now I see that this is a part of me and now I see that this is a part of me. Well, big shot producer, what do you say? Am I the perfect actor to play Rizabella? That was. That was. Oh, just say it. Perfect. What? I haven't seen a performance that perfect since my smash hit production of Cellist on Top of the House. Congratulations, Tina. You got the parts. Oh, thank you, Tina. Thank you so much for saving our dream with your amazing singing. I'm so sorry that we always overlooked you. I forgive you. And now I get to star in a musical. Boy, I can't wait to be on Broadway. Oh, you won't be on Broadway. It's only 7th Avenue. But it technically is a Broadway musical, though. Technically? Technically, it's above 50, so it could be argued that it's not tactically Broadway, but rather. Hey, Toms. Yeah? Stop. Okay, fair enough. The end. And now Lee speaks with the author. So, Nora, you wrote the audition. Mm. Have you ever been on an audition yourself? I have, yes. For someone who doesn't know. Can you describe what's an audition like? An audition is basically when you get to sing, like, a little bit of a song and you get to try out for parts in the show that you want. How does it feel to be at an audition? It can feel kind of scary sometimes, but it can also feel, like, really exhilarating because you want. Want to show to the people that are running the show that you have great talent and that you got what it takes to be in the show. That's cool, because casting is, like, really important, right? Yes. I have casted a show before, and it is very stressful. What's stressful about casting it yourself? Well, you have to make sure that everyone gets something, that everyone can fit in their role and make the show great. Does theater have any lessons for us about how we should work together or treat each other? Definitely. Don't judge a book by its cover, because in acting, you never really know what someone is like until you meet them. But you can dive deep and get to know someone. And I make, like, a bunch of friends through acting, and I think it's a really fun experience because it also helps you to get out of your comfort zone and make something great. And what about a moment on stage that has been, like, exhilarating or that the audience responded to? That just felt unbelievable? Can you remember any of those? I think in one of my shows, I had a duet with someone else, and at the end, we struck this giant pose where we both had our arms extended to the end, and we had to hold it for, like, a couple of minutes, and the crowd was just cheering that whole time. It just filled me up with joy, and it was like I was smiling for the rest of the show. Wow. That must have been really special for the people in the audience, too. It was a moment. Yeah. Nora, your story is amazing. Thank you. For sharing all your thoughts about the magic of theater and for sharing this story about the magic of theater with us. Thank you so much for performing it. Bye bye. Bye. And now it's time for Story Pirates roll call. Send us your story. We read them all. We read them all. First up, from 9 year old Isla in the UK we have a story called the Strange Green Snow. Now you may have heard not to eat the yellow snow, but what have you heard about green snow? Well, Isla tells us in this story that green snow might just be a whole bunch of little green aliens that clump together and look like snow, but are actually a giant alien monster that could eat your house. But don't worry, when asked, the alien will return your house by farting it back out. Isla, incredible story. Next up by 5 year old George in Massachusetts, we have a story called Ghost Pepper. Now I'd heard of Ghost ghost peppers before. They are the extremely spicy pepper that probably no one should ever eat because they're too spicy. They just shouldn't exist. They're not. They're not edible. They're very, very spicy. But what I didn't know, and George has explained to us in this story, is that a ghost pepper can actually save a ghost and turn them back into a human. Pretty impressive, right? I mean, the ghost still has to eat the ghost pepper, which is still extremely spicy. But I guess it's worth it. Unless being a ghost is really fun, which I think it might be because you could fly, right? Or maybe not, I don't know. Anyway, you have got to read this story, George. Incredible work, my friend. And finally, from seven year old Julia in Georgia, we have a story called the Chicken Cow, which I'm going to read to you because it's short. The Chicken Cow. Ahem. Hi, my name is Cow, but I am a chicken cow. Yes, I am. I love to jump into leaves. Poof. Chicken again. The end. Julia. Short but sweet. And the imagery that you have created will last in my brain for a very long time. Poof. Chicken again. To read all of today's Roll Call stories, just head to storypirates.com that was roll call. Now it's time for you to write us a story. And if you don't know where to start, here's one idea. Take a picture of something normal in every day and then make up a story of what could be happening in that picture. Kind of like this from Malachi, the author of so Malachi, can you describe your picture for me? It's a wall in our backyard that has graffiti on it. All right. A wall in your backyard with graffiti on it. So what's your idea for what could be happening in this picture? It's a portal to hedgehogs who want to take over Earth and have the people be their servants. You see, listeners, sometimes writing a story is about finding an image that inspires you. Grown ups can submit stories and if you want the photos that Inspired them, at storypirates.com and remember, we respond to every single story we receive. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening and a big thanks to today's authors, Maliky and Nora. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, stay creative and stay kind. Bye. The Story Pirates podcast is a production of Story Pirate Studios, executive produced by Lee Overtree and Benjamin Salka. This episode was produced by Sam Baer, McKenna Cox, Peter McNerney, Andrew Miller, and Lee Overtree. Recording sound design and mixing by Sam Baer at the Relic Room in New York City. Theme song by Bobby Lord. Roll Call theme by Andrew Barbado. Musical scoring by Jack Mitchell. Our head writers are Rachel Winitsky and David Sidorov. Contributing writers are Peter McNerney, Lee Overtree, and Alexis Simpson. Production coordination by Denisa Wortenby. Episode artwork by Camilla Franklin. Special guests John Legend and F. Michael Haney. This episode features performances by Eric Austin, Ben Blackman, Greg Barnett, Janine Hogan, Peter McNerney, Megan O'Neill, Lee Overtree, Nimini Ware, and Rachel Winitsky. Thank youk. Music Vanity was written by Rachel Winitsky and Jack Mitchell and produced by Jack Mitchell. Butts was written and produced by Jack Mitchell. Additional engineering and recording by Brett Toobin. Special thanks to Calvin Pia, TJ Dumser and Stephanie Meyers. You see, this is what happens when the chore wheel gets thrown in the ocean. Nothing is clean, the deck has not been swabbed, the mast is gross and slightly crooked. And worst of all, no one has cleaned my ears. Peter. Peter, where are you? Hey, Lee. What's up? Peter, would you mind cleaning my ears? I can't reach them. Sure thing, Lee. Okay, let me just get positioned. And here you go. Ah, Yep, there it is. Right there. Yep, that part's dirty. Yeah, I can tell. That's a really gross spot. Okay. And done. Ah, much better. Thanks, Peter. No problem. My turn now. Ooh, I'd love to help, but I need to do. No, I need to be somewhere far away and gotta leave now because it's a long distance. It's gonna take me a while to get there. I just. Yeah, let me do the math. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Too long, Too far. Multiple hours of travel. Yeah. And I'm walking, so that means I gotta save my energy before I leave. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no.