Lee (0:01)

Hey Story Pirates podcast listeners. Lee here. Happy summer to celebrate our pal DJ Squirmalot, the world's greatest dj, who also happens to be a worm, has a brand new mixtape for your enjoyment. Coming up right after a few words for the grown ups. Hey grown ups. Today's episode is sponsored by Smurfs, the new movie about the smurfs in theaters July 18th. Yeah, the little Blue Smurfs. It's the perfect family movie for the summer if you like comedy, music, adventure and Rihanna. Yep, Rihanna is in it, along with an all star cast of actors that I love, including my faves, Amy Sedaris, Alex Winter and Kurt Russell. Yes, and did I mention Rihanna? Yeah, she plays Smurfette. And there's new Rihanna music in the movie too. Best of all, I love that Smurfs focuses on themes of friendship, teamwork, finding yourself, and being kind to each other. Basically, there's something for everyone in this film. So starting July 18, make sure you smurf your way to Smurfs in theaters. You'll be glad you smurfed. Hey grownups. See Story Pirates live. We're bringing the amazing Adventure Tour to more cities this fall in places like Northern and Central California, Idaho, Montana and Oregon. Want to see you there. Get tickets@storypirates.com live. What up, squirmy wormies? It's your worm dj squirm a lot here to wish you a happy summer and to our American listeners, a happy fourth of July. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam, Bam. Bam. I love summer barbecues, road trips, swimming, laptop, DJ sets under the stars on the beach of Ibiza in front of thousands of screaming fans blissing out to the greatest DJ set ever. Who also happens to be a worm. AKA me. But sometimes I. I think my favorite part about summer is baseball. That's right, the old bat, ball and glove, the smell of fresh grass and dusty dust. I just love going to a baseball game in the summer. The games themselves are almost unfathomably long, so I can just kick back and relax. And if you're lucky, you get to see what's called a mound visit, where the the coach and a bunch of players all go to the pitcher's mound to have a conversation about what they had for breakfast, I'm assuming. And if you're really lucky, the pitcher gets hungry again right then. And then they have to bring in a new pitcher so that the old pitcher can go get a snack. And then you get to wait even longer while the new pitcher warms up because apparently he didn't know Coming into the game was a possibility, so he couldn't warm up on his own earlier. Ah, I just love relaxing. And I love baseball. And that's why today's mixtape is especially exciting, because it takes place at a baseball stadium. Let's go. Here we are at the old ballpark, ready for a casual game of baseball to while away the hours. Hot dogs, get your hot dogs. Oh, I almost forgot about hot dogs. Hot dogs are the number one food at baseball games. Everyone eats them. Even DJ Squirmalot loves a hot dog. I'm away with the people after all. Piping hot hot dogs get one while they're hot. I'll take a hot dog, sir. What's this? Did one of my hot dogs jump out of the hot dog water? Uh, no, sir. I'm not a hot dog. I'm a dj. And now the hot dogs are talking to me. I better pick this one up before my customers see. Huh? Wait, what are you doing? Here you go. Little pink hot dog with sunglasses on. Let's just put you right here in this fluffy hot dog bun. Oof. Well, this is pretty soft and comfy, but hey, you. I'm not a hot dog. I'm a worm. Quiet, hot dog. You'll scare the baseball fans. Say, you actually look like an especially delicious hot dog. I'm not a hot dog. And I've been working hard all day shilling hot dogs to everybody's but myself. Hey, mister, stop it. You don't know what you're doing. Maybe it's time old hot dog salesman got a hot dog for himself. This is ridiculous. But first, you know I can't eat a hot dog plain, right? Uh, oh, I gotta put the fixings on it. Like ketchup. Ah, mustard. Come on. And that's it. Phew. Actually, I'll have some mayo too. Who puts mayo on a hot dog? Okay, little talking hot dog, I'm gonna eat you now. But do you mind if I take off your sunglasses first? Of course I mind. Oh, well, I guess they'll add a nice little crunch then. Wait, hot dog seller, please just wait. Before you eat me, I just have one last request. I'm listening. Before you eat me, I'd like to introduce the first song on today's fourth of July mixtape. Uh, I have no idea what that means, but okay. Phew. Okay, squirmy mermaids, here's the first track of Today's mixtape from 7 year old Malachi in Pennsylvania. His butts. Listen, kids. And grownups too. I got him bored in for you. Stop what you do and take my advice. If you can hear my voice, clap twice now grab a pen and write this down. And spread the word all over town. Butts are everywhere, Butts are nowhere. Butts are up your underwear. Butts are long, butts are strong. But you want to live in honko. I know it's shocking what you heard me say? But now's not time for a Q and a. I said what I said it's in black and white. And we'll be on the news tonight. Breaking news about the butts. Do what you will with the information. Cause the butts are getting information. Butts are everywhere, Butts are nowhere. Butts are up your underwear. Butts are long, butts are strong. Butts want to live in Hong Kong? And the butts are moving and the butts are grooving. Look to the sky, you'll see their flight. Cause the butts are leaving town tonight. Butts are everywhere, Butts are nowhere. Butts are up your underwear, Butts are long, butts are strong. Butts want to live in Hong Kong. Oh yeah. Welcome back to The Story Pirates 4th of July mixtape. I'm your host, DJ Squirm A Lot. And that was an amazing song called Butts. Okay, hot dog, are you done yet? Can I eat you now? I suppose. At least I was able to leave my fans with one hot track from today's mixtape. I always hope to be doing what I love when I'm finally eating. Honestly, I thought it'd be a bird, though, not a hot dog vendor. You sure are talkative. Here I go. Aaa. Goodbye, cool world. Surprise. Huh? DJ Squirmalot, it's me, Lee. Lee. You sell hot dogs on the side? Yeah, and when I saw you here at the game, I just knew I had to pull a prank on you. But that voice. You mean this one? Yeah, that didn't sound like you at all, Lee. Look, just say that I have an undergraduate degree in theater. Ooh, fancy. And impressively. But did you really think it was nice for you to put me in a hot dog bun, cover me with condiments, and make me think that you were about to take a big bite out of me? You're right. I guess I got out of hand. But how about I clean you off with this bucket of hot dog water? Look, you're all clean now. Say, how about I take the rest of the day off and you and I just watch the whole game together? Sounds good, Lee. But first, let's check out another track on today's mixtape from a 10 year old in New York named Ruba. Here's bad art werewolf. Whoa. Whoa. Our story begins one Saturday afternoon. On a Saturday afternoon, I went to the National Art Gallery of New York and my daddy came to. Daddy came to. Well, I knew that it was risky to take my daddy with me, but it started out good. Pretty good, yeah. And he made a scene of the museum just as quickly as. I should have known he would. I should have known he would because he's a bad art werewolf. Guess he's a bad art werewolf. Well, daddy was cool. As we strolling through the big glass door we saw some paintings and some sculpture and some other kinds of art. We were having such fun I forgot what I was worried for. Just go here and enjoy the Galilee. But when we got into the garden, my daddy started snarling at the sight that we saw. Yeah, there were robots on trapeze that made my daddy so displeased. He didn't like this exhibit at all because he's a bad art. He's a bad art werewolf wolf. He's a certified. He's a bad. I were. He gets so opinionated when Mark gets overrated. Destroy the gallery. We have a werewolf gallery now, you might assume that he changes under the magic of a full moon. But be aware there are lots of different kinds of werewolves out there. My dad's a modest and that's what he knows about. So what artifies his good taste? The wolf in him comes out. When it was all over, I could see the damage he had caused exhibit destroyed by his canine teeth and werewolf claws. And that's against the rules. And when my dad returned to normal, the guard came up to formally request we depart. We gotta go right now. Well, we never did return. And it was that day that I learned to never take my dad to sleep at all. Because he's us. He's a bad werewolf. I remember a scary week back in the early aughts when the creatures and the critters started to speak. That's right, they learned to talk. It started on a Monday with mammals. They were first. They looked at each other, took a deep breath and what came out were words. The cow said, ooh, hey. Oh, coyote. The coyotes, they would shout. They tasty morsels was what they said. The humans were so freaked out, it was so freaky. I was just like, what is happening? And then my dog looks me right in the eye and goes, I have no idea. And then we just stared at each other for a full hour being like, wha? Cause it was animal Week. Animal Week, the week that the animals learned to speak. On Tuesday, all the reptiles started talking too. They said, get away from my eggs. Get away from my eggs. If it sounds to you like that was an error, it wasn't. We were screaming in terror. Cause it was Animal Week. Animal Week, the week that the animals learned to speak. So Wednesday was all about the fish. They had a lot to say once they started talking. They talked and talked all day. They said, plop, ah. Plop, plop, ah. They were pretty overzealous and the humans were helpless. Why? Cause it was Animal Week. Animal Week, the week that the animals learned to speak. Dance break. Hey. Wow. Oh, my body doesn't work the way it used to. Oh, boy. I'm gonna sit for the rest of this. Well, this story has an ending, but it isn't very fun. See, the rest of the week was happy. Ye. Turns out the animals were actually really friendly and everyone had a good time. Nothing specific happened on Thursday or Friday. And the weekend, well, it was a blast. But then the week, well, it was done. The animals had to go back to normal and only speak to their own K and dad. But now, whenever I see a dog or a cow or a snake or even a goose. Get out of here, goose. I wonder what's on their mind. Because of Animal Week. Animal Week, the week and the animals learn to speak. Yes, it was Animal Week. Animal Week, the week that the animals are to speak. What up, squirmy wormies? It's the Story Pirates 4th of July mixtape. And I'm your host, DJ Squirmalot. And that was Animal Week by 8 year old Ronan in Rhode Island. Look, DJ Squaremallot, a fly ball. He hit that one hard. It's going and going, going. And he caught it. Huh? Oh, well, maybe the next one. Look, that one's definitely heading out of the park. It's going and going. And he caught it. Oh, well. You want a hot dog, Lee? I think my appetite for hot dogs is pretty much gone for the time being. Oh, because I pretended I was going to eat you. And because you doused me in hot dog water. Right. Sorry about that. Hey, that's summertime, baby. Sometimes someone's gonna pretend you're a hot dog. Look, that one's coming right at us. You have to catch it, Lee. But I don't have a glove. Use your bucket of hot dog water. Okay, here it comes, Lee, you caught it in splashed hot dog water over everyone in our. Uh, yeah, I don't like the way everyone's looking at us. Right now. We better get out of here. Okay. And while we head out of the stadium quickly, let's play you another hot track from fifth grader Lily in Arkansas. His Pizza Revenge Pizzas. We have a problem. People are eating hot dogs instead of pizza. And those lousy hot dogs are rubbing our noses in it. We need to get our revenge with our best agents on the case. Pep. Yes, Meg. Yes. What are you waiting for? Go. I am a slice of pepperoni pizza. Pep is a slice of pepperoni pizza. I am a slice of cheesy, cheesy pizza. Peck is a slice of cheesy, cheesy pizza. And we've got a big old problem spreading through the land. Hot dogs are too popular, which we can't stand. The pizza market's plummeting from low demand. Luckily we've got something planned. Cause people ought to eat pizza and say we're happy to eat yum. Cause if they could, they'd say. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yum. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy yum. Cause nobody should eat hot dogs. They're yucky. Mystery meat box. So now it's time to have our piece of revenge. Okay, I'm going to get the computer. Our boss is counting on us to do this. Right. See you in an hour. Bet. I'll be done in just a couple minutes. 20 minutes later. It's not working. It must be a wire. 30 minutes later. Yes. I got it fixed. I bet it's gonna end up break. Terrific. Now we can do the final and hardest part of this plan. Now it's time to make a little video. Yes. We're gonna make Tell the world the things that you and I know. Pizza wonders and hot dog horrors, yo. All right, let's take a look at this video of yours. Let's pop it in here and press play. Hot dogs are yucky and pizza is yummy. Eating a hot dog will upset your tummy. Hot dogs are rotten and pizza is rockin' the things in a hot dog are really quite shocking. Did you know hot dogs are filled with rocks? Did you know hot dogs are filled. Did you know hot dogs are filled with teeth? Did you know hot dogs are filled with. Keith. Hey, that's funny. My name's Keith. Wait, but that means. Oh, no. And you say this thing has already gone viral? That's right, boss. Listen to this crowd outside. Oh, we'll never eat hot dogs again. Our video has started spreading far and wide. We share the truth of hot dogs and the stuff inside. So Simon Pizza. Humans are now horrified and now only one pizza is to eat. Hot dogs have been defeated. So now we're gonna eat pizza. We're happy to eat yum. And when they do, they say yum yum yum. And a yum yum yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yum. Cause everybody loves pizza and we're so happy to eat y that's the way the pizzas got their revenge. And that's the way the pizzas got their in our point of view, revenge. Wow, that baseball game sure was amazing. I can't believe we watched the whole thing. Lee um, DJ Squaremalot. We left in the third inning. Hmm, that tracks. Okay, Square Melot. We'll be right back after these quick words for the grown ups. If you've ever shopped online and let's face it, who hasn't? Chances are you've bought something from a business powered by Shopify. You know that purple shop pay button you see at checkout? The one that makes buying so incredibly easy? That's Shopify. And there's a reason so many businesses sell with it. Because Shopify makes things easier. And not just for shoppers. They make it easy to start and run your business. Shopify is the commerce platform behind 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. It gives you a leg up from day dot with hundreds of beautiful ready to go templates to express your brand style so you can get up and running fast. You can tackle your important tasks from inventory to payments to analytics and more all in one place. You can also spread your brand's word with built in marketing and email tools built for you to find and keep new customers. And remember that iconic purple shop pay button that's used by millions of businesses around the world. It's why Shopify has the best converting checkout on the planet. Your customers already know and love it. If you want to see less carts being abandoned, it's time for you to head over to Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com realm. Go to shopify.com realm shopify.com realm do you want to make car rides with your kids fun and educational? Then try who's Smarted? The free 15 minute science and history podcast loved by millions of 5 year year olds, 10 year olds and parents too. Here's Mom Jenny S. I love whosmarted because it makes learning fun for my kids and honestly I learn Something new every time too. Who's Smarted is the podcast my kids ask for every single car ride. Try out who's Smarted for free today, wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back, my squirmy wormies. Let's keep the party going with a tune from 7 year old Bihan in Ontario. Here. The white color box. I was painting on the rocks. I could not open the white colored box. I did what I had to. I made the rescue service call. Oh, Mr. Rabbit came by. He can't open the box. Rabbit's a little nostril. Mr. Elephant came. He put his trunk in the box. He swallowed it whole and spit it back out. I was painting on the rocks. I could not open the white colored box. I did. Mrs. Lion came by and she tried and she tried but all her her nails broke. Kangaroo tried to jump but her feet hurt too much. She had had enough. She had enough. Finally Monkey arrived and he opened the box and he painted lion's nails. He massaged Kangaroo's legs. He gave purple carrots to Rab and some broccoli to elephants. They all got up on elephants back. They heard the phone ring. No time to pack. Someone else had made the rescue service call. Someone else had made the rescue service call. Welcome back to the Story Pirates 2025 4th of July. I'm your host, DJ Squaremallot. Let's get dancing again with this track. The raccoon's very hard choice. The best food for us raccoon. The best food is trash and garbage. The best food for us raccoons is trash and garbage. What a life eating garbage. Trash and garbage. For Rufus the raccoon and his raccoon, the taste of sweet, smelly garbage. We eat al fresco under the moon. Under the moon. All those leftover tissues and candy wrappers. We love them all. We love them all every night eating garbage. There's nothing better than garbage big and small. Here we go. The best food for us raccoons. The best food is always garbage. The best food for us raccoons is trash and garbage. Trash and garbage. All right, raccoons of Maple Avenue, it's Thursday night, which means one. What do you think? It's trash night. Jeff, give him the rundown. Well, the Henderson family has four bags of garbage out tonight. The Smith family threw out a bunch of old newspapers. Hey, Rufus, where are you going? He's opening the Miller family's door. Rufus, you know the rules. We can only eat the human's trash outside on the curb. It's fine, guys. They're at the beach. I just want to check to see if they're hiding any garbage in the house. Here I go. What a nice day. This little kitchen. I like the backsplash. And the fridge. I think that's where they hide all the garbage. Let's take a look. See? Just a smidge. So much weird looking stuff here. These little red things, they smell okay. One small bite wouldn't hurt me. Here goes nothing. Hey. Mmm. What are these yummy things? Make my heart start to sing. Let me see if I can make out the spelling. Hmm. Strawberries. And what's this? Lettuce. Fruits and vegetables. I've heard about those. I gotta go tell the others. The best food for us raccoons. The best food is always garbage. The best food for us raccoons. Raccoon friends, listen up. I just discovered the most delicious food is garbage. Yes. Must be garbage. And now my whole perspective has been spinning. It's garbage. What kind of garbage? Oh, at first it might seem a little scary, but try some of these vegetables and strawberries. Mmm. Wow. This changes everything. What's the best food for us raccoons? Is it fruit for the trash and garbage? What's the best food for us raccoons? Is it fruit and veggies or trash and garbage? I think we should vote. Yeah. Hi, I'm June Hughes with Raccoon News reporting live from Maple Avenue, where the local local raccoons are deciding whether the best food is trash and garbage or their newly discovered fruits and veggies. Ah. There's 14 votes for garbage. And 14 votes for fruits and veggies. Woofus. It's up to you to break the tie. We've spent our life eating garbage, which helps the humans and helps the earth. That's true. But healthy foods help our bodies. Like fruits and veg. We know their words. That's all so true. To end this crazy dilemma, this food dilemma, we must take an oath. What kind of o. The best food now isn't garbage or fruits and veggies? Fruits gets boat. The best food for us raccoons. The best food is fruit and garbage. The best food for us raccoons is food and garb. Trash and baddies. Oh, yeah. Good. Just as well. Once there was a whale named Glowy. Hi. He lived in a luxury cave mansion. Sweet. He was always happy eating krill pot roasts and playing his fish station 4 in single player mode. But one day, the whale named Glowy, that's me. Was cleaning his ginormous baske. Cause I'm a whale when he suddenly realized despite the size of his cave he felt small and alone. He swam through every room and he felt something was missing. He swam through every room and he said something is missing. A friend. Friend, that's what I need. A friend. Someone to share my luxury cave mansion with me. A friend. That's what I need. A friend. So he decided to search the sea While he ate his krill flakes swam out the double doors when he found a sea urchin chilling on the ocean floor. Will you be my friend? Asked Chloe. Eek, said the sea urchin. He was scared of Glowy's side as Chloe said oh well that's fine. I'm off to find a friend. That's what I need, a friend. Someone to share my luxury cave mansion with me. A friend. That's what I need. A friend. Someone to share my luxury cavemansion with me. We can make a krill pot roast on my stove and switch my fish station four to auntie player own a friend, that's what I need. A friend. So he continued to search the sea. Chloe started swimming towards a coral reef where he found a little clown fishing anemone. Will you be my my friend? Asked Chloe. Eek. Squealed the fish. He was afraid of Chloe's booming voice. This is harder than I thought. I hope by now I would have caught a friend that's all I need. Somebody who isn't afraid of me. A friend that would be sweet. Somebody who can live in my mansion with me. Somebody I can welcome to my home and when I'm lonely calm up on my cellular oh yeah, friend, that's all I need. So he made one last attempt to search the sea. Chloe had nearly lost all hope when he changed his course and swam towards the the North Pole. There he found a narwhal munching on krill. So he mustered up his courage and all his will. Can you be my friend? Asked Chloe. Sure, said the narwhal. He wasn't scared of Chloe's booming voice or size. In fact he said fishes often swim for me Frightened of the horn between my eyes and gloey said I would never never swim away. As your friend I'm here to stay. Yeah, I finally found a friend. I love it. Wouldn't it be sweet if you shared my lingerie cave mansion with me? It would be sweet. I found a friend you will see a friend. All the fun we'll have together you and me. We can make a creole pot roast on the stove and play like Fish Station 4 and multiplayer more cause we're friends, that's all we need. Somebody to cook with and play with and live with and stay with. In the lingerie cat mansion in the deep blue. And I lived happily ever after. It's the Story Pirates 4th of July mixtape. And I'm DJ Square Milan, a square square man. My worries they're lasting song was Glowy and the Friend Adventure by two brothers Clive and Silas in California. And we have time for one more track from Lucy, a seven year old in New Mexico. Here's Old man Homer. DJ Squirmalot out. I'm thankful every day to meet Lucy's dad. And I'll tell you about the craziest venture that she had started. When I built my own time machine. It could take you anywhere with just. I'm tapping on the screen. Lucy, come check this out. Yeah, this very special gadget works like a phone in the moment. Lucy saw it, man, I should have known. She begged and she pleaded and she wanted to learn how to use a special phone. So I gave her a turn. So I said, where you want to go? She said, 1900 to meet the bell and the photo on our wall. I'm going back and family Old man Homer. I'm paying old man Homer a call. Well, the trip to 1900, it was pretty fast. With a few clicks on my phone, she had made it to the past. Her town looked different. Little cars and malls. It was simpler times here in Seneca Falls. Lucy left for home and she was door to door. She found him doing shopping at the general store. She said, Excuse me, Mr. Homer, can't I have a word? I came far away. I flew here like a bird. He said, where you coming from? She said, from the future. You're the fella in the photo on her wall. Headed back in time to meet old man Homer. I'm Ben. Old man Homer call. I'm a relative of yours from the future. My name's Lucy. Nice to meet you, Lucy. How are things? Things in the future? Honestly not great. But hey, listen, we only have one photo of you in our whole house. Taking photographs is mighty hard around these parts. Well, I have something for you that might change that. In the future, taking photos is a breeze. Click this button, just smile and say cheese. Use this camera. Take pictures of your lives. Back in the future, I'll see you, my family mar. Okay. Back in the future, Lucy ran inside and she climbed into the attic where the photo books would hide. Sitting at the bottom was a dusty book filled with all the photographs that Homer went and took. And I said where's photos from? She said 1900. From the fella in a photo on her wall headed back and down. You need old man? Old man? I paid old man o' morai. All right. I love taking pictures.