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Peter’s Picks: The Weird Food Club/!Beard Quest!
00:27:00
Peter chooses some of his favorite stories from the Story Pirates archives.
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Peter
Hey, Story Pirates podcast listeners. Peter here. And I'm back with another pair of Peter's Picks. That's right. Once again, I have exercised my keen eye and good taste for all things hilarious to choose two of my favorite stories from the Story Pirates archives. And today's selections are a real treat, particularly if you're the kind of person who likes stories that are real weird and or gross. Peter's picks are coming up after a few words for the grownups. I love storytelling. I'm very different from everybody. Confusion is the set before curiosity. Okay, that's a really funny idea. We have to send that in. I just get some joy when I hear other people giggling. I believe all the things in my story. Human beings are just able to create the story Pirates. Welcome back to Peter's Picks. My first pick this week comes from all the way back in season three, and it's called the Weird Food Club. Now, I remember when I first read this story, because this story was already written in script form. The author had two full pages, single spaced, with incredible dialogue and an even more incredible concept of a weird food club. A group of kids who get together and enjoy the delights of mixing foods together that should definitely not be mixed together. And this is coming from a guy who's eaten a lot of weird things. But the kids in this story, they might have maybe even outdone me. I also love this story because, as you may know, Story Pirates love a good montage. And this story goes all out on the montage. I think you're gonna like it. And here's the author to introduce it. Hi, I'm Brooklyn. I'm 12 years old and I live in Pennsylvania. This is my story. It's called the Weird Food Club. Mom. Mom. Mom. Good morning, Caitlin. What's for breakfast? Blueberry pancakes. Why? Because I want to try them with ketchup. What? Why? Because Jack said it was good. Oh, Jack, huh? Well, what if you don't like it? I'll just feed it to Henry. He'd eat anything. I certainly would. Yum, yum, yum, yum. Okay, well, I guess it's your choice. Yay. Oh, no, we're out of ketchup. Oh, well, too bad. It's okay. Jack said if we're out of ketchup that I should just try it with barbecue sauce. Mustard or relish? Oh, Jack said that, did he? But I think I should try all three. Sweetie, your friend Jack sounds kind of weird. I know, right? Time to pour all three of these things onto my pancakes. Barbecue sauce. Oh, Relish. Ugh. And mustard. Ugh. Katelyn, are you sure about this? Born ready. What? Here goes nothing. Here, Henry, you can have the rest. I'm too. Well, I think we all learned a lesson here today. We sure did. That mixing gross foods together is disgusting. So it's totally awesome. What? No, that's. I gotta go tell Jack at school. Bye, Mom. A set in 1997 called. They want their zoot suit back. Oh, man, Jack, you're a legend. Did you really say that? Basically. Awesome. Jack, I did it. I did it. Hey, Katelyn. You did what? I ate the blueberry pancakes with mustard, relish, and barbecue sauce. You what? You two scram. Sure thing, Jackie boy. Skadoo. Ha ha. Nice work, Caitlin. I didn't think you had it in you. But I guess that means you're now officially a member of the Weird Food Club. Yeah. Yeah. Jack, this is a dream come true. But now that I'm a member, I have some thoughts. I'm listening. Do you think that we should have more people? I never thought of that. It's so crazy, it just might work. Should we just ask people? No, I think we should have ourselves an audition montage. This is the Weird Food Club audition montage. Next. Hi, I'm Daryl. Daryl, tell us, what's the weirdest food combination you've ever eaten? Well, one time I ate some potatoes. Uh huh. With some sweet potatoes. Uh, thanks, Darrell. Did I make it? We'll call you. Next. This is the Weird Food Club audition montage. Hi, I'm Trixie. And have you ever eaten a weird food combination? Oh, one time I put some cucumbers into my water. Thank you. Next. This is the Weird Food Club audition montage. Hi, I'm Gordon and I'll be singing Mama who Bore Me from Spring Awakening. Mama who bore Me. Thank. Thank you. Next. This is the Weird Food Club audition montage. Hi, what's your name? I'm Frank. And have you ever had a weird food combination that was totally gross? Yes, I think I have. Last year I ate a pickle. Uh huh. With an Oreo. Uh huh. And cheddar Pringles. What? I threw up like 10 times after I ate it. Frank. Welcome to the Weird Food Club. Yeah. Next. This is the Weird Food Club audition. Montana. Hi, I'm Gayle. And a few years ago I put crispy bacon in my lemonade. Then I drank and chewed it. That sounds super gross. There is. Of course I am. Yeah. This is the end of the Weird Food Club audition montage. Yeah. Wow. I can't believe we finally found the perfect combination of weird food eating friends, and it only took three months. Frank and Gayle, we're lucky to have you. I'm here. Happy to be here. Well, I think it's safe to say that no club in this school could out gross us. What about a club from another school, huh? Who are you? It's us. The weirdest food club. Yeah. Yeah. We're from your rival school and we're here to outgrow you. Ladies and gentlemen of the lunchroom, welcome to the first ever gross food combination competition. Where did this crowd come from? We all know the rules. Out of three is the winner. Our first matchup is Randall versus Gale. Round one. Begin. What do you got, Gale? This one time I had melted ice cream with minced carrots and soy sauce. That's really gross. Uh, okay, pretty good. But check this. Last night I had tortilla chips with melted black licorice and capers. That looks like a point for the visiting team. Round two, Kirby versus Caitlin. Begin. Okay, one time I had Froot Loops and gazpacho with hubbas. That was a good one. Don't let her shake you, Katelyn. You got this. Okay, so a few months ago, I had a tuna tartare with sunflower seed butter floating in a bowl of Kombuch. Wow, that's clearly a point for the home team. Which means it all comes down to the final round. Darce versus Jack. Begin. All right, listen up. This morning I had a baby food injected Cinnabon topped with raw oysters, wasabi, pop rocks, liver sausage and mint jello. Oh, yeah? What'd you think of that? That was the grossest food combination humble announcer has ever heard of. I don't think there's any way Jack could possibly top that. Caitlin, what do I do? That's too gross. How can I possibly top that? I should give up. Pull yourself together. This isn't the Jack I know. The Jack that I know inspired me to be the gross food eating champion I am today. Before I met you, the weirdest food I'd ever eaten with sweet and sour sauce with French fries. That's actually a really good combination. Exactly. Now, you may not have ever eaten that many gross things all mixed together, but it's not about quantity, it's about quality. Wow, you're right, Katelyn. It looks like the student has become the master. Hey, what's happening over there? Are you getting ready to give up? I've only just begun. I have eaten many weird food combinations in my life, but the grossest one was when I ate Cheerios with warm orange juice. Jack, you did it. Thanks, Katelyn. I couldn't have done it without you. Caitlin. Mom, what are you doing here? Honestly, I'm not sure. But I saw everything. And despite the fact that this was all extremely unpleasant and I'm very uncomfortable with all of it, I think I'm proud of you. Thanks, Mom. Say, does that mean you want to join the weird food club? Absolutely not. I'm too. Oh, Henry. The end. I'll be back with another of my picks right after a few words for the grown ups. Hey grownups. Today's episode is brought to you by NordVPN. NordVPN aims to make the Internet a better place for everyone by tackling online threats, censorship and surveillance, while changing your virtual location and giving users the ability to access content that's not available in their region. Okay, so I just got a NORDVPN subscription for my Beep Boot machine, also known as a computer. And I have to be honest, I love it. At first I was like, what is this thing? I didn't even know what VPN stood for. And I definitely did not think that my Beep Boot machine really needed anything extra. But now that I have it, I'm kind of amazed at what it's doing. We're talking premium cybersecurity here. NORDVPN keeps my private data and passwords safe by encrypting my connection, especially on public WI fi, which makes networks safer to use viruses, malicious malware, phishing sites. None of these stand a chance against me or my BEEP Boot machine now, and I can use it with up to 10 different devices. Seriously, now that I have NordVPN, I realized that my previous cybersecurity strategy was the equivalent of leaving a donut on the kitchen counter when I know that Peter is around. Because that guy is always hungry for donuts. Now, my Beep Boot machine is like a fortified underground bunker that no one can get into unless they have a cool looking key that I specially designed to get in there. The key has my face on it with tiny little diamonds for the ice. To get the best discount off your NordVPN plan, go to NordVPN.com Pirates. That special link will also give you four extra months on a two year plan and there's no risk with Nord's 30 day money back guarantee. That link again is NordVPN.com Pirates. You can also find it in our episode description. A new year means new opportunities. And if you've been thinking about starting your own business. Let this be your sign to take the leap. Of course, this decision comes with a lot of questions like how do I get started? How do I come up with a brand? How do I sell stuff to people? What am I even going to sell? Well, if you have all those questions, you can take a deep breath because Shopify's got you. Shopify makes it simple to create your brand, open for business and get your first sale. With Shopify, you can get your store up and running easily with thousands of customizable templates. No coding or design skills required. All you need to do is drag and drop. Their powerful social media tools let you connect all your channels and create shoppable posts to help you sell everywhere people scroll. And Shopify makes it easy to manage all the details like shipping taxes and payments from one single dashboard, allowing you to focus on the important stuff like growing your business. The best time to start your business is right now, and with Shopify, your first sale is closer than you think. Established in 2025. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com realm all lowercase go to shopify.com realm to start selling with Shopify today. Shopify.com realm Aren't adventurers supposed to have a specific purpose? What are you doing on this quest? Just meeting strangers? Yep. My purpose is to have no purpose, though I sort of find purpose as I go. My basket. It's missing. I have tried many means of defense, but none have yet proven successful. I just wish someone would succeed in getting that darn sword. I am under attack by this ruffian. I want to be big and strong and fight evil. I have hope that if if you show up at her door, she might listen. Want to help me? Yell at them with your sword in a threatening manner. Sidequesting is a fantasy podcast about avoiding the main plot. It follows Ryan, an adventurer who's willing to help just about anyone out as long as they're not being asked to deal with that scary wizard everyone keeps talking about. Subscribe today on your favorite podcast. Welcome back. Now for my second pick here in this second episode of Peter's Picks is truly one of my favorites. Now, I love this story for a lot of reasons. One of the reasons is because it has a very unique protagonist. Now, we've all heard of Zeus and the other Greek gods, and we've heard stories about each of them, but have we ever heard a story about Zeus beard being cut off of his face and then Growing arms and legs and then going on an epic quest to reattach himself to Zeus's chin. Well, before this story, no, we definitely had now, but after this story, yeah, we had. We didn't have to add very much to this story. It had everything from the get go, including an excellent cheese joke and a title that starts and ends with exclamation points. You can't ignore this story. It's called Beard Quest and here's the author to introduce it. Hi, I'm Jane and I'm 12. I live in Scotland and this is my story, Beard Quest. This is Icarus Newsboy reporting live from my helicopter in the middle of Florida where a large scale battle is taking place between the king of the gods himself, Zeus, and a massive red cat. Your titanic balls of fur frighten me, not feeble feline. You're no match for my lightning bolts. Wow. Let's fly closer to the danger to get ourselves a better look. This just in. I, Icarus Newsboy, have flown too close to the cat. Enough playing around. Come at me. Ah, my face. You shaved my beard clean off. I need that for work. Zeus has a hold of your tail and around you go. Good luck attacking unsuspecting beard in space. The middle of Florida is safe once again. But that's more than I can say for the bottom half of my face. Without my beard, the other gods will surely try to overthrow me. Oh, of course. They're calling me right now. Hello, Jusier Beard and all. Shareholders meeting. Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course, of course. I remembered. Of course. In fact, I'm parking right now. I'll be right there. I'll be there right away. I've got to focus on making it through this shareholders meeting without drawing any attention to my missing beard. Zeus awa Lightning. Hey, relax. Who goes there? I'm Icarus Newsboy. And you're a talking beard with eyes and small puffy gray legs and arms. They call me Beardo, for I am the beard of the mighty Zeus. I must find him. But first, child of the news, would you happen to have a spare piece of cheese? Sure. Here you go. Yum. I like cheese. But now that I am nourished, I must find my way back to the Omega Optimus temple before Zeus is overthrown for not having a beard. I shall embark on my own on this cheese quest. Ooh, sorry, I mean, beard quest. Gods, goddesses, fellow BO board members, before we run through the numbers for Q3, let's make sure that everyone's here. Please announce yourselves and present your Beard. Thank you, Hera. Apollo, God of light, present here is my beard, airy and bright. Hephaestus, God of blacksmiths, present here is my beard, ashy and covered in soot. Aphrodite, goddess of beauty, present here is my beard, bejeweled and shimmering. Zeus, God of lightning. On time and ready to start the meeting. Now, the first order of business, I believe. Zeus, could you take off your ski mask? None of us can see your beard. Oh, the ski mask covering my face. Sure, sure, sure. I, I, I, I can, I can take it off. Why do you have a second ski mask underneath the first ski mask? Hmm? Oh, because I'm cold. Hera, I'm king of the gods, not king of the thermostat. Did somebody say king of the thermostat? Not now. King of the thermostat. Ow. Zeus, take off the second ski mask so that we can move on with the meeting. If you insist us. How many ski masks are you wearing? A lot. I told you I'm cold. I could turn up the temperature. No. Zeus, take off all of your ski masks and show us your beard. Yeesh, give me a second. This could take a while. So far my quest has gone smoothly. I found plenty of new cheese to eat, and I haven't been attacked by a single wild animal. A wild dog? Don't think you can get my cheese dog. Hurry, Flip Land. I've tamed you wild beast. Now I shall ride you all the way to the train station. Hya. Look, the train station approaches to the ticket window. My wild dog. Fair lady of ticket sales, I request your finest first class ticket for the train. That'll be 82.50. Hmm. Would you accept this wild dog as a payment instead? What's the sign say? Wild dogs accepted as payment. Huh, I missed that. Gotta keep them giant alien space cats from attacking the station somehow. Here's your ticket. Many thanks. Time to board the train. As I continue my sea squist. I mean, beard quest. Beard quest. I have to get that right. How many more ski masks are you wearing? This is the final ski mask. Let's move on with the meeting. What does everyone think of pie chart? They're cool, right? Zeus, you're still wearing a ski mask. No, I am not. This is a balaclava, which is different from a. What's the difference? Well, for starters, I only wear this when I go snowboarding. Zeus, take off your snowboarding mask, Scolabellaclava, and show us your beard. Okay, fine, if it will make you happy. That's absolutely Fine. But fair warning, I am wearing a lot of these. Goodness. Nothing better than riding on a train, munching on a nice piece of cheese, and gazing out the window at a lovely temple. Ah, the temple. This is my stop. Out of my way, train window. A large river runs before me that I could easily cross had I taken swimming lessons. So instead, I shall summon this tiny bolt of insanely hot lightning. Here, take that, river. You've evaporated into the atmosphere, making it simple for me to walk across. Now, the temple is just a short distance away and I can freely enjoy my final piece of cheese. Squawk. Squawk. That sounds like a seagull. Squar. It just picked me up. Let go of me, you vile bird. There's only one way out of this. I'll have to sacrifice my cheese throw. Aw, yuck. Is this Red Lester cheese? I hate Red Leicester Drop. Yes, it worked. And now I'm falling right towards the Omega Optimus Temple. She. I mean, be it. Quaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. One more balaclava. Balaclava? Sounds a little like baklava, doesn't it? But one's a mask and the other one a candy treat. Take the mask off. Of course I'm taking the mask off to reveal my full lush beard underneath. Definitely there. Not lost in a fight with a space cat or anything. Just a hypothetical. Woo. Is anyone else getting hurt? Don't look at me. Roll. Jump. Reattack. Sea's quest. I mean, beard. Quest. Beard, you've returned to me. Wait. Could you always walk and talk? Not now, Zeus. Play it cool in front of the shareholders. As you can see, my beard is here and always has been. Did your beard always have arms and legs? Yes. Now let's cancel the meeting because it sounds boring. I know, it really does. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy the crackers and cheese in the lobby. The cheese. We mean the end. Thanks for listening to Peter's picks. And a big thanks to today's authors, James and Brooklyn. We'll be back in the new year with another brand new episode. Until then, stay creative and stay kind.