The Bed/Do Not Disturb (feat. Alison Pill)

Summary

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Story Pirates – "The Bed / Do Not Disturb" (feat. Alison Pill)

Release Date: November 6, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode kicking off Season 8 of the Story Pirates podcast, the talented crew—joined by guest star Alison Pill—tackles stories written by kids and transforms them into sketches, songs, and comic dialogues. The episode features two main story adaptations: "The Bed" by nine-year-old Bethany and "Do Not Disturb" by nine-year-old Mallory. In addition, listeners get comedic meta-narrative about the pirates preparing for “Storyteller Con,” an appearance by their robotic doppelgängers, and the ever-popular "Story Love" segment with more kid-written stories. As always, the tone is energetic, silly, and imaginative, celebrating the weird and wonderful world of children’s creativity.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

1. Season 8 Launch & Story Pirates’ Mission

• [00:02–03:40] Leigh (host) opens by announcing the new partnership with Lemonada Media, discusses funding challenges for kids’ podcasts, and introduces personalized video fundraisers to support the season.
  • Quote: “It is a really challenging time right now for educational media providers... Over the past few years, the podcast industry has turned almost entirely away from kids and family programming, despite the fact that hundreds of thousands of listeners rely on it.” – Leigh [01:22]
  • The heartfelt message underscores the importance of community support and highlights opportunities for listeners to interact directly with the crew.

2. Story Pirates Hit the Road – Storyteller Con Narrative

• [04:19–08:38] The regular crew is at the Bean Emporium café, bemoaning staffing shortages, when they receive an invitation to Storyteller Con—the most prestigious event for storytellers.
  • The team is daunted because the event is on land, which seemed inaccessible for their ship, until it’s revealed Nimini installed wheels ("road trip mode") long ago.
  • Quote: “My greatest dream is to tackle the open road. But that’s impossible.” – Lee [06:39]
  • An ongoing comic motif: the pirates’ ship is messy, and they haven't taken the trash out in eight years.

3. Featured Story: "The Bed"

• [09:23–11:52]
  • Introduction: Writer Bethany (age 9, New York) introduces her story via voice clip: "This is my story. The Bed."
  • Musical Comedy Sketch: The crew enacts a song about Dr. Bentley, a pediatrician desperately searching for a place to nap amidst growing exhaustion. The song cycles through absurd "bed" alternatives (X-ray machine, MRI machine) before the doctor realizes the solution was always at home.
    • Fun musical style, playful lyrics, and running jokes about tired doctors and unsuitable sleeping arrangements.
  • Memorable line: “Dr. Bentley found us. You woke me up. Oops. The doctor was sleeping.” [11:51]

4. Ship Clean-Up and the Rise of Evil Robot Duplicates

• [11:52–16:29] The pirates undertake ship cleaning, leading to a humorous series of “discarded” items (e.g., moldy mustache wax, dramatic quills, robot gadgets).
  • A series of gags about inventions and personal possessions gone awry.
  • Comic reveal: Megan’s doppelgänger and a surprise Peter Pan–style entrance.
• [16:29–24:27] In a chaotic twist, Rolo reveals he used Nimini’s old gadgets to build “Evil Robot Story Pirates” to deal with unreliable staffing.
  • Evil robot versions introduce themselves, criticizing the crew as inefficient and needlessly wacky. The robots plan world domination—beginning by discrediting Story Pirates at Storyteller Con.
  • Quote: “Your podcast is bogged down by inefficient absurdities and unnecessary wackiness and jokes that do not further the plot.” – Evil Robot Crew [23:03]
  • The real pirates are determined to stop the robots at Storyteller Con.

5. Featured Story: "Do Not Disturb"

• [24:32–31:54]
  • Introduction: Mallory (age 9, Virginia) brings “Do Not Disturb”—a comedic slice-of-life about a kid’s desperate quest for privacy.
  • Sketch: Mallory’s attempts to create a private sanctuary spiral into the ridiculous: a “Do Not Disturb” sign is ignored by family, so she hires bodyguards and installs airport security outside her room. It backfires spectacularly, unsettling both family and Mallory herself.
    • Quote: “Mallory, you're a genius. Oh, and look. Something is coming through the machine. My laundry, perhaps. Here it comes. It's—hey Mallory...Dorothy, how did you get past security? I went through the machine. My shoes are off.” – [30:20]
  • Resolution: Her mom finally breaks in, grounds her, and calls for dinner.

6. Author Interview: Mallory

• [32:03–35:19] Leigh interviews Mallory about her story’s inspiration and her own dream room.
  • Mallory explains she was inspired by literally making a “Do Not Disturb” sign for her own room, and the sketch is meant to be “funny, so it’s supposed to make characters think, ‘What are you doing, Mali? You know, that’s just gonna... disturb you more, I guess.’”
    • Quote: “Sometimes the harder we work to not be disturbed, the easier it is for that problem to get worse.” – Leigh [33:01]
  • Mallory describes her dream room: Taylor Swift and piggy posters, lots of art supplies, and a nice loft bed.

7. Story Love: Story Readings & Discussion with Alison Pill

• [35:38–44:34] Special guest Alison Pill joins Lee and Peter for the Story Love segment, reading three new stories written by kids.

• "The Squirrel That Disagreed with Talking Pumpkins" by Audrey (11, Colorado)

  • Alison reads the tale of Ava the squirrel, besieged by annoyingly riddle-loving, talking pumpkins. The story ends in unexpected peace negotiations.
    • Quote: “Humans? Who needs them? Us squirrels could totally rule this world. ...I do disagree with talking pumpkins.” – Alison as Ava [36:17]
    • The hosts delight in the playful monologue, likening it to Shakespearean asides.
  • Lee challenges the crew to a riddle in the spirit of the story.
    • Riddle & Solution: “I’m in a corner twice, I’m in a room once, I’m not in a house at all, but I’m in a shelter once. What am I?” (Answer: The letter R) [41:00]

• "The Banana Touch" by John (8, Tennessee)

  • Presented as a skit amongst the hosts, the story follows Wilbert who finds a magical ring that turns his mom into a banana. A genie, a single wish (with a paid bribe for a second), and a magical reversal lead to chaos.
    • Quote: “Because the banana gods have chosen you. Don’t worry, it’s not like you are going to turn into a banana or something.” – Lee as Wilbert’s mom [42:42]
    • Alison and the hosts revel in the story’s odd genie-logic (one wish… unless bribed!), its rushed plot jumps, and the invested narrative voice.

8. Meta-Commentary and Humor

• The episode is peppered with self-referential jokes (e.g., pirates never taking notes, robot critique of their own brand of humor), and playful, affectionate jabs at the show’s recurring themes.
  • Quote: “We famously don’t take notes.” – Lee [22:51]

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Notable Moments & Quotes (with Timestamps)

• The existential dread of invisibility:
  “Why would you get rid of that? Every time I put it on, I literally can't find myself. Metaphorically too. The existential dread really takes the fun out of it.” – Siegfried [14:00]
• Meta-humor about creative chaos:
  “Do you guys think a sneeze is just a burp with more to say?” – Story Pirate [23:11]
• Reflection on kids’ creativity:
  “What truth? That they are too weird. How dare you.” – Lee (responding to the robot’s critique of kid stories) [23:18]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:02 – 03:40: Opening message from Leigh about supporting the podcast
• 04:19 – 08:38: Crew discovers invitation to Storyteller Con and prepares for road trip
• 09:23 – 11:52: Musical adaptation, "The Bed" by Bethany
• 11:52 – 16:29: Pirates clean up the ship, Megan’s entrance, and evil robot reveal
• 16:29 – 24:27: Evil Robot Story Pirates threaten to ruin Storyteller Con
• 24:32 – 31:54: Comedy sketch, "Do Not Disturb" by Mallory
• 32:03 – 35:19: Interview with Mallory about her story and dream bedroom
• 35:38 – 44:34: Story Love segment with Alison Pill
• 36:03 – 41:21: "The Squirrel That Disagreed with Talking Pumpkins" by Audrey, plus riddle game
• 41:21 – 44:34: "The Banana Touch" by John, Tennessee
• 44:34 – End: Wrap-up, reminders, and thanks

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Tone, Style, and Final Thoughts

• The episode brims with goofy energy, character-driven humor, and clever musical interludes. The hosts perpetually channel the wild enthusiasm and unpredictability of kids’ imaginations, never shying away from absurd twists or fourth-wall-breaking commentary.
• Guest Alison Pill is fully integrated, matching the tone and playful performance style of the regular cast.
• The show celebrates “weirdness” as a strength, refusing to streamline or dull the unpredictable quirks that come from stories written by kids.
  • Quote: “I think if Story Pirates has taught our audience anything, it’s that a narrator who’s invested in the stories is more interesting than a narrator who’s not.” – Lee [44:32]

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For First-time or Returning Listeners

This episode is an excellent example of the Story Pirates' signature blend of comedy, music, and genuine respect for children’s storytelling. The format welcomes family listening, with enough silly meta-humor for adults and irresistible comic fantasy for kids.

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End of summary.

Transcript

[A]

Lemonade. Hey, grown ups. Leigh here. We are so excited to return with season eight. But first, I'd like to take just a minute here before the episode starts to ask for your help with finishing the season. First, some good news. We've joined forces with a new network this season called Lemonada Media, and they're bringing fresh resources and energy to the show. We're so thrilled for their support. We're also grateful for all of you listening that are members of Creator Club. Your support means the world to us, especially right now. And if you're not a member yet, we're so grateful that you're here listening, welcoming us into your homes. And we're especially grateful for the tens of thousands of original kids stories that you send us every year. Now, the not so great news. We we want to be honest with our listeners that it is a really challenging time right now for educational media providers, including kids and family podcasts like Story Pirates. Over the past few years, the podcast industry has turned almost entirely away from kids and family programming, despite the fact that hundreds of thousands of listeners rely on it. And we know you rely on it because you tell us, You. You tell us how Story Pirates helped make driving to school every day more fun, a long road trip more bearable, or bedtime more peaceful, and all of it is screen free. If you've ever listened to the credits for our show, you know that a lot of people work on it. There's the music team, who scores every episode and writes the songs and produces the songs. There's of course, the amazing actors, singers, writers, editors, and so many more people that work so hard to put this show out at least once a week. But unless we're able to raise more funds, this season could unfortunately be a short one. And right now, we need your help in a new way. So we're offering, for the first time, personalized videos from us to you. That's right. For your donation, we'll send you, your kids, whoever in your life that you think will appreciate it, probably your kids, a personalized video saying, hello, happy birthday, happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, whatever. You can choose a video from me or Peter or Megan or Nimini or Eric or even Rolo. This is the only time we've ever offered this, and we're not going to be offering it again anytime soon. So this is your chance. Get a video for that special imaginative kid in your life and help the Story Pirates finish our season. And if you're hearing all this and you happen to have more significant resources to spare, we're looking for one or two larger patrons who may want to have a conversation with us about becoming credited producers on the show. If that sounds like you drop us a line, you can do that and get your own personalized video [e-mail] support. That link is also in the show notes for today's episode. Okay, thanks for listening and thank thanks again for all your support. It really does mean the world to us. Onto the show after a few more words for the grown ups.

[B]

Patrick, let's go. The clue is floating away in a hot air balloon. Hey, sorry, this is kind of a bad time. Claire and I just found a major clue and now it's airborne. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that the parents behind Law and Order have something brand new for families. Our podcast, Patrick Picklebottom Everyday Mysteries. Patrick, it's headed towards the water tower. Gotta go listen on Apple or wherever you get your podcasts.

[A]

Niminnae. I got a triple half calf macchiato.

[B]

With a side of pinto beans for Nemone right here. Rolo. Sorry for the wait.

[A]

I'm a little swamped today.

[B]

Yeah, the Bean Emporium is hopping. I've never seen it so busy.

[A]

Well, you know what they say about sailing on the open ocean and having a strong desire to eat and drink beans. No, me neither. I was hoping you did. Anyway, I'm having real staffing issues running a business on a pirate ship. All of my employees keep not showing.

[B]

Up for their shifts. By all your employees, do you mean us? The rest of the story Pirates?

[A]

I do.

[B]

Yeah. Sorry.

[A]

Hey, Nimini. Hey, Rolo.

[B]

Whoa, Lee. What's that humongous stack of papers you're carrying?

[A]

Oh, this? It's just our mail. We got a lot of it going. Through it all is a big part of my morning routine, which I can't do until I've had my morning coffee. The usual?

[B]

Guess.

[A]

Rola. One large coffee, kefir, hold the coffee. Alright, let's see. Bills, bills, bills, bills, bills. Tens of thousands of incredible stories written by kids. Bills, bills, bills. Hey, what's this?

[B]

Hmm. That's a fancy envelope. Here's your coffee, Lee.

[A]

Thank you, Rolo.

[B]

Hey, Lee.

[A]

Weren't you on schedule to work today at the bean import? All of that went directly in my face.

[B]

Look. What is it?

[A]

We've been invited to be the keynote speakers at Storyteller Con.

[B]

At what?

[A]

Storyteller Con. It's only the most prestigious event for storytellers in the history of stories. It's where all the biggest moments in storytelling have happened. Homer first unveiled his alternate ending to the Odyssey. The Brothers Grimm defeated Hans Christian Andersen in a freestyle rap battle. And where the Winds of Winter was secretly released four years ago. Oh, man, Lee, that sounds great.

[B]

Why do you seem so sad about it?

[A]

Because I've always wanted to go to Storyteller Con, but of course, we never can.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

Because, Nimini, while we've explored the ocean, the sky, even space and beyond, this event is in the one place in the entire universe that we can't drive our ship. Land. Gah. I always thought I had some strong Jack Kerouac energy. My greatest dream is to tackle the open road. But that's impossible.

[B]

What? Well, you know I installed wheels on the ship all the way back in season two, right?

[A]

You did what?

[B]

All I have to do is switch the ship to the right mode.

[A]

What's the right mode?

[B]

It's called Road trip. Ha ha.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I love.

[A]

It.

[B]

Just filled me up with joy.

[A]

My mom loves the jokes.

[B]

Yo, yo, my joke. It made me very proud about my sightings. Yeah, we're just getting, like, really deep into, like, I want to say philosophies. I definitely think I can be more creative now. I'm the champion. The Story Pirates.

[A]

Welcome back to the Story Pirates podcast, everyone, where we take stories written by.

[B]

Kids and turn them into sketch comedy and songs.

[A]

All right, pirates, listen up. You all know why I've gathered you here.

[B]

I thought this was a Bean Emporium staff meeting.

[A]

It was before Lee took it over. And I thank you for that. Sweet rolo. Now, as you know, we've been to a lot of places on our journeys. We've explored the high seas and the skies, outer space, the ocean depths, the Earth's core. We've even been to New York City. But we're about to embark on our strangest journey yet. A road trip.

[B]

Ooh, sounds like hella bag.

[A]

But Storyteller Con is a classy event, and our ship is a mess. We can't drive up to the convention center looking like this. So I think a little spring cleaning is in order.

[B]

Ah. Do we gotta?

[A]

Yes, Rachel, we do gotta. We literally haven't taken the trash out in eight years. Hmm.

[B]

Fair point.

[A]

Let's get to it. And while that's happening, let's do our first story. And, listeners, I have something very exciting to share about this first story this season. Some of the stories we are adapting are from our Story Quest program, which is our brand new, completely digital creative writing program for schools. But here's the cool part. Our nonprofit Arms story Pirates ChangeMakers helps make StoryQuest affordable to schools anywhere. And some Title 1 schools even get the program for free. And guess what? Today's first story comes from an incredible author at one of those schools. Here they are to introduce their story.

[B]

Hi, my name is Bethany. I'm nine years old and I live in New York.

[A]

This is my story.

[B]

The bed.

[A]

Where's the bed? A bed for the doctor. Find a bed, a bed for the doctor. Where's a bed, a bed for the doctor.

[B]

The doctor is sleepy.

[A]

Dr. Bentley's a pediatrician. Helping kids feel better is my mission at the office clinic or through telehealth with patients coming more and more. Last week the line went out the door. The doctors started yawning and said to himself I'm feeling really beat. Gotta get off both my feet, I need to rest my head. So I said, this doctor needs a bed. Where's the bed? A bed for the doctor. Find a bed, a bed for the doctor.

[B]

Where's the bed?

[A]

A bed for the doctor. The doctor is sleepy.

[B]

Hey doctor, try this X ray machine.

[A]

It's cozy and it's very clean but doctor, we can see your bones. That's not a good bed.

[B]

Hey doc, here's an MRI machine.

[A]

It's quiet here and so serene. Never mind, that's not a good bed. Where's a bed, a bed for the doctor. Find a bed, a bed for the doctor. Where's a bed, a bed for the doctor. The doctor's still sleepy. The couch that's in the doctor's lounge is way too small and wheelchairs roll so that won't work at all. There's no bed here and so I'll disappear. I guess I'll just go home. Ah, home sweet home. But still no sign of a. Wait a second. I have a bed here in my room. A bed that's perfect for a.

[B]

There's a bed, a bed for the doctor A queen size bed that's right for the doctor and on that bed.

[A]

The bed of the doctor the doctor is sleeping There's a bed, a bed for the doctor A queen size bed.

[B]

That'S right for the doctor and on that bed, a bed of the doctor the doctor is sleeping. Dr. Bentley had a bed. So why'd we all both lose our heads? We switched the office high and low.

[A]

But there was one place he could go. Dr. Bentley found us. You woke me up.

[B]

Oops.

[A]

The doctor was sleeping. Hey, Lee, I have all my stuff I want to get rid of. Where should I put it? Very good, Eric. Over Here on the deck, you'll see that I've made four piles. Trash, keep, donate and recycle. Whoa. What's with all the machinery in the recycle pile? Oh, Nimini was here earlier. I think she feels bad that all her inventions keep getting us into trouble, so she decided to clean house. What? When have her inventions ever gotten us into trouble? Well, let's see. Her anything machine accidentally brought thousands of characters to life last season. She turned Peter into a goose. Although I kinda like that. The infinity cube almost drowned us all in self duplicating objects. The simul room made me think that I was a king. The Simule room, season three. You weren't here yet. Am I ever not gonna be the new guy? Probably not. The point is, it's not safe to have all that stuff lying around. I guess. Anyway, here's what I'm getting rid. My second pair of board shorts and my swift and irritated DVD collection. But those are your favorite movies and it isn't easy to let them go. But I still have them on streaming and laserdisc and Betamax. And the original film reels. I'm here with my stuff. Hey, Peter, what do you got? I have 48,000 empty min yogurt containers.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And a vat of 48,000 fluid ounces of yogurt. Should I even ask? Probably not, because I do not remember. Donate or trash. Got it.

[B]

Here's my stuff. Howdy. Hello.

[A]

Bonjour, Rachel. Where did all these other Rachel's come from?

[B]

They're all from planet Rachel. I forgot I even had them go. Rachel's be free. Sacre bleu haw. We're free. Au revoir.

[A]

Where are they going? We're still on the ocean.

[B]

Better not to ask questions.

[A]

Okay, Siegfried, I have brought the mighty Tarn helm. A helmet of great power that I won when I slew the dragon Fafnir. It grants its wearer the power of invisibility. Why would you get rid of that? Every time I put it on, I literally can't find myself. Metaphorically too. The existential dread really takes the fun out of it.

[B]

Hey, Lee. Is there a compost pile?

[A]

Baby with a mustache? What could you possibly have in your room that's compostable?

[B]

I have a few moldy bottles of milk, a tub of expired organic mustache wax, and this. Five seasons worth of dirty diapers.

[A]

Is that why the whole ship smells like so good?

[B]

You're welcome. I'm here as well.

[A]

Oh, Megan, you startled me. Sorry, I'm not used to you entering a room. So, you know, subtly.

[B]

Yes, because normally I'm a bit much. I'm here to discard my useless possessions, including this, a signed headshot of Carrie Coons that I Photoshop myself into. But Megan, that's your favorite picture. This playbill from my one woman show, Ms. Psy Gone in 60 Seconds, in which I performed all of Miss Saigon in 60 seconds as Nicolas Cage.

[A]

But that was the best thing you've ever done.

[B]

And finally, this. My dramatically large quill that I insist on using to give autographs that no one's asked me for.

[A]

Okay, something is definitely not right. Megan would never part with her quill. Meghan, what is wrong with you?

[B]

Nothing. I'm. I'm up here.

[A]

Gasp. It's Megan up in the bucket thingy in a Peter Pan costume.

[B]

Stuck the landing. Whoa.

[A]

She just swung down 100ft from the sails. Okay, now that is a M3GAN entrance.

[B]

Because I'm the real M3GAN. Megan, why were you all dressed up like that? I've spent every afternoon for the past eight years up there in this costume, just waiting for an opportunity to make that very, very entrance.

[A]

Huh. That sort of ruins it.

[B]

Funny, that's what Jean Smart said to me when you jumped out of her birthday cake. Say you're not me, but how do you know so much about me? Explain yourself.

[A]

I'll explain. Huh? It's. It's us. The evil robot story pirates. G.

[B]

We'll be right back after a few words for the grown ups.

[A]

Hey, grown ups. Leigh here. If your family loves story pirates, then I'm guessing that you are also interested in the kids in your life loving to read and write. Well, have I got something for you. Meet Mrs. Wordsmith, the award winning creators who make vocabulary learning ridiculously fun. I am so obsessed with everything that Mrs. Wordsmith makes. Check it out. First up, WordTag, a video game to boost your child's vocabulary and build reading comprehension. Packed with expertly designed missions and mini games, players Learn up to 1500 new words a year. And it even comes with a money back guarantee. Are you kidding me? Next, you can pop a storyteller's word a day, flip top book on your kitchen table and and flip a new descriptive word every day, complete with synonyms and story starters. Perfect for chatting vocabulary while breakfast is cooking. And if you can, please save me some bacon on game night, you can break out vocabularius with three hilarious card games in one box. Vocab practice becomes a competitive family event. And I promise to go easy on you if you invite me over to play. Best of all, Budding Story Pirates will love how to Write a Story, a workbook that gives kids everything they need to craft captivating tales. It includes easy to follow illustrated story graph planners and guidance on structuring plots. It's the perfect way to help your kids actually write that story that they've been thinking about for a long time. Whether it's books, card games, or apps, Mrs. Wordsmith turns learning into play. So set sail for mrswordsmith.com storypirates and use code pirate for an exclusive discount. That's mrswordsmith.com StoryPirates unlock the power of words and watch your child's imagination soar. And who knows, it may lead them to becoming the next Story Pirate. Hey grownups, Lee here. Guess what? You can now experience the beloved Harry Potter stories like you've never heard them before on Audible with Harry Potter the Full cast Audio Editions. Now if you know me, you know that I think audio only storytelling is one of the best things you can expose your kids to minus a screen. Audio storytelling just has a special way of activating kids imaginations and the Harry Potter Full Cast Audio editions have the highest possible quality. You could ask for hundreds of unique voices, an immersive sound design that brings the wizarding world vividly to life in Dolby Atmos, as well as an electrifying new musical score. The adventure will surround you. You'll hear footsteps echoing off the walls of Hogwarts and the whoosh of a golden snitch as it darts past your ear. And I'm obsessed with the casting. Riz Ahmed as Severus Snape, Keira Knightley as Professor Umbridge, James McAvoy as Mad Eye Moody and Kit Harington as Professor Lockhart. It's like my personal list of actors I love. These full cast audio editions are a spellbinding experience for longtime Harry Potter fans and a delightful new way to introduce the stories to a new generation. The first story in the series is available now, with new audiobooks in the series releasing every month. It's Harry Potter like you've never heard it before. Go to audible.com HP1 and start listening today. The Evil Robot Story Pirates. What? Who? Why? How?

[B]

When?

[A]

We are the new and improved Story Pirates. We were created to be better than you. More efficient, logical and on time. We will now introduce ourselves as efficiently as possible. I am Evil Robot Lee. I'm just like Lee, but organized. I'm organized, right? Smitty? Smitty. Oh shoot, I forgot to invite Smitty.

[B]

I am Evil Robot Nimini. I'm like Nimini, but less impulsive. I'm not impulsive. Oh, shoot. I just accidentally invented and built a handheld black hole generator. Oh, I'll add it to the recycle pile. I'm Evil Robot Rachel. I never sit put Chairs. The beautiful chairs.

[A]

I'm Evil robot Eric. I'm exactly like Eric. Except to be more aerodynamic, I cut off my dreadlocks. You're nothing like me. And I'm Evil robot Peter.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

You actually do seem a lot like me. Except I do not eat. It's a monster. I don't understand. Who would want a more reliable, efficient, on time version of us? Do we have an old arch nemesis that we've forgotten about or something?

[B]

Mother Porpoise. I can't remember if I left things on good terms or not.

[A]

Rolo's old parrot, Poochie Picasso.

[B]

Rachel Charles Chip Chuggly.

[A]

Wow, these are some deep cuts.

[B]

No.

[A]

Look not to your enemies, for the answer for our creator is amongst you.

[B]

You mean one of the story pirates did this? I don't believe you. That can't be true.

[A]

I'm afraid it is, Rachel. Rolo. Yes. It was I who created duplicates of you all.

[B]

But why, Rolo? Why?

[A]

Because none of you were showing up.

[B]

To your shifts to work.

[A]

I've been running the Bean Emporium alone. So when Nimini dumped all her gadgets in the recycle pile this morning, I used a random combination of them to create versions of you that actually show up. Is that so bad?

[B]

Come on.

[A]

This is gonna be fine.

[B]

What's the worst that could happen in the 20 minutes that we've been alive? We listened to the entirety of the Story Pirates podcast back catalog. And we have notes.

[A]

But we famously don't take notes. We know.

[B]

And we know that you won't listen when we say that your podcast is bogged down by inefficient absurdities and unnecessary.

[A]

Wackiness and jokes that do not further the plot. Do you guys think a sneeze is just a burp with more to say?

[B]

And we know that you will not listen when we tell you the truth about stories that are written by kids.

[A]

What truth? That they are too weird. How dare you. We know that you cannot change, so we have given ourselves a new directive. To staff the Bean Emporium. No. To discredit your brand of storytelling in the one place where we can have the greatest impact. No. Not storyteller.

[B]

Con guys. What was that? We've run aground. We've reached land.

[A]

Come evil robots Let us disembark. You won't get away with this. We will see you soon enough. Story Pirates at the End of the Road at storytellercon. Jetpacks. I know we don't eat, but can we still stop for snacks? Okay, why do I feel like everyone is gonna blame me for this? Because we are Rolo. And it is going to take a whole lot for us to stop being mad at you.

[B]

How about free coffee for everyone?

[A]

Yay. And also another story.

[B]

Delhi.

[A]

And here to introduce it is the author.

[B]

Hi, I'm Mallory. I'm nine years old and I live in Virginia. This is my story. Do not Disturb. Ah, finally. The weekend I'm home from school and in the one place I can be alone. My room. Hey, Mallory. Dorothy. What if I told you about coming to my room without knocking? I don't know to do it, to not do it. Geez, you are so annoying. Get out. Okay. Is it too much to have a little time to myself? I don't want to have to do this, but I'm making a sign. Do not disturb angry face. Okay, I'll just take this to the door and. There. Now I can finally lay down and relax.

[A]

Hey, Mal, have you seen my reading glasses?

[B]

Dad, didn't you read my sign?

[A]

I can't read anything without my glasses.

[B]

Dad, your glasses are where they always are, on top of your head. Now get out. Oh.

[A]

Oh, dad. Oh, thanks, hon.

[B]

Okay, now time to read. Mallory, here's your laundry. Mom, what is your deal? The sign literally says do not disturb, so you do not disturb. Oh, so does that mean that you want to start doing your own laundry? Of course not. I just. Yeah, that's what I thought. Dinner in 20. Brrr. I am so annoyed. I'm gonna have to take this up a notch with another sign. Bodyguards wanted. If interested, show up at my house tomorrow, August 29th at 6am but how will they know where I live? Oh, I got it. I will be jumping up and down in my blue flower PJs. Perfect. Now to put these up all over town. It's the next day, 6am time to start jumping up and down. Hey, hey, hey.

[A]

Is this where the interview for being a bodyguard is? Oh, yeah, the same question. Yeah, I don't know.

[B]

Yes, it is.

[A]

Is.

[B]

Hello, wannabe bodyguards. Are you ready for the best job you've ever had? Guarding my room from my family? Woo.

[A]

Oh no.

[B]

That's the kid we're looking to work for.

[A]

She's bananas.

[B]

I heard that. And I assure you, I'm very Sensible.

[A]

Oh, my mistake.

[B]

Now line up, and when it's your turn to be interviewed, you can either climb up that ladder to my room or jump in the window via the trampoline.

[A]

But why would.

[B]

See you in a minute.

[A]

Oh, I made it.

[B]

Welcome to my room, bodyguard number one. Please have a seat in this baby chair.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Now, tell me, why do you want to be a bodyguard?

[A]

Well, frankly, I need to make.

[B]

Hey, Mallory. Dorothy, what do you want? I don't know. Get out of my room. Okay. I am so sorry about that. You were saying?

[A]

I think my passion for bodyguarding began when I was. Hey, Mal, have you seen my phone charger?

[B]

Dad, it's in your hand. Huh? Oh.

[A]

Dad.

[B]

God. You see what I have to deal with? Okay, you're done.

[A]

Did I get the job?

[B]

I see you have a lot of experience. And you have blue hair, which is cool. I will get back to you in 30 minutes.

[A]

Oh, okay, thanks.

[B]

I now jump out the window.

[A]

But. I. Now. Okay, trampoline. Whoa. Ow.

[B]

Okay, who's next? Mallory. Mom. What is it? No more letting strangers climb through your windows. But also breakfast in five. I guess I'll just have to hire them all. Hey, wannabe bodyguards out on the lawn. You're all hired.

[A]

Yay. I needed this.

[B]

Meet me out front tomorrow morning, bright and early. Bodyguards. Good morning.

[A]

Morning, boss. We're ready to start guarding your room. Nothing's gonna get past us.

[B]

Especially after we install this.

[A]

Whoa. Is that a.

[B]

It sure is. My cousin delivered it last night in her truck.

[A]

Oh, does your cousin work for the airport or something?

[B]

What? Juliet is five months old. That would be ridiculous.

[A]

Wait, what?

[B]

Let's get to work. I'm bored. I guess I'll see what Mallory's up to, huh? There's an airport security machine in front of her door. Hmph. I'll just move it.

[A]

Hold it right there. Ma'.

[B]

Am, do you have an appointment to see my sister?

[A]

No appointment, no entry. Next.

[B]

Uh, excuse me. What's all this? I have to take this laundry into Mallory's room.

[A]

Does this laundry contain any belts, shoes, liquids or laptops?

[B]

Uh, no.

[A]

Place it in a grey bin and send it through the machine.

[B]

What is all the noise out here? Bodyguards.

[A]

These two were trying to gain entry, but I've turned them away.

[B]

Excellent work. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room. Unavailable. Mallory, I've got so much laundry. Finally, I've done it. Mallory, you're a genius. Oh, and look. Something is coming through the machine. My laundry, perhaps. Here it comes. It's. Hey, Mallory. Dorothy, how did you get past security? I went through the machine. My shoes are off. Get out of my room.

[A]

Hey, Mal.

[B]

Dad, Are you trying to get into my room via the trampoline?

[A]

Oh, yeah, they wouldn't let me through the door.

[B]

I'm closing the window now. Dorothy, get out of my room right now. Dad.

[A]

Oh, boy. Sorry about that. Hey, Mal, have you seen my Social Security card?

[B]

You just crashed through my window. All right, I'm sick of this.

[A]

Ma', am, you can't go in there.

[B]

Oh, I can't go in there? Into my daughter's room? Just try and stop me. Out of my way. Mom's mad. Oh, Mallory. Mom, you got all the security. The airport thing, the security guards, just to lay on your bed. I need the space.

[A]

I'm.

[B]

I'm growing. You're grounded is what you are. But dinner in five.

[A]

Thanks, Han.

[B]

Harold, clean up this glass.

[A]

You got it.

[B]

I told you she was bananas. Oh. Get up, bodyguards. Fine.

[A]

The end.

[B]

And now Lee speaks with the author.

[A]

So, Mallory, you wrote Do Not Disturb.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

How did you come up with the idea for that story?

[B]

So over the summer, my teacher asked my mom if I wanted to do summer writing club, and I said yes. She asked me what I had been writing lately, and I said, not much, just this do not disturb sign, and that's how I came up with my story.

[A]

Like you were writing a literal do not disturb sign for your own room?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I think it's funny that in your story, she actually gets airport security and bodyguards to work outside her door, which sounds like it would be pretty disruptive, actually.

[B]

That's the point.

[A]

Can you explain that a little bit more?

[B]

It's supposed to be, like, a funny story, so it's supposed to make characters think, like, what are you doing, Mali? You know, that's just gonna, like, disturb.

[A]

You more, I guess. Sometimes the harder we work to not be disturbed, the easier it is for that problem to get worse.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you like having a place in your house that is just for you?

[B]

Yes. I love my desk area because my desk is my favorite color that has a light and some art supplies. And I really like my bed, too. Feels like my own private island where I can do whatever I want.

[A]

Do you decorate your room?

[B]

Yeah, every few years. I, like, redo it. A few years ago, I redid it, and I went with sort of like a pink flower theme.

[A]

Are you already thinking about how you want to remodel next year?

[B]

Yeah, my parents say that since I'm turning 10 next year, they're going to let me paint my bedroom whatever color I want. Whoa.

[A]

That's amazing. Do you have any advice for any kids who are like, I want to make my room special and feel like my own private space?

[B]

They should think about what areas they use the most and if they could, like, design it any way they want, no budget, like, what they would want in there. Sometimes I, like, ask my parents, like, if they could have their dream room, what would they put in it? And then I'd draw it for them.

[A]

That's a great idea. What are some examples of your parents dream rooms?

[B]

My mom, she said she wants plants and books and chairs in her room. And my dad, he has a painting table and, like, a computer station where he can call his friends and they can play D and D together.

[A]

And what about your dream room? You probably can't have every single thing that you want in your own room, but if you could, what would you have in there?

[B]

Well, I really love pigs and Taylor Swift. So on the walls, I would like. I would put posters of Taylor Swift and some posters of pigs up on there, and nice carpet and a big desk area and a nice bed, nice loft bed.

[A]

I love the image of Taylor Swift and pigs right next to each other.

[B]

I can picture that.

[A]

Mallory, your story is so good. Thank you so much for letting us perform it.

[B]

You're welcome.

[A]

Bye, Mallory.

[B]

Bye.

[A]

And when we come back, it's time for Story Love, where Peter and I read even more stories written by kids. And we're joined by special guest Allison Pill.

[B]

We'll be back after a few words for the grown up.

[A]

Welcome back to StoryLove, where we read stories written by kids and we discuss them. I'm here with Peter. Hello, Peter. Hello, Lee. And a very special guest, longtime friend of the show, Alison Pill. Hi, Allison.

[B]

Hello. I'm so happy to be here.

[A]

Let's get into our first story. Allison, would you do us the honor of reading this first one?

[B]

I would be so honored. This story is by audrey, who is 11. She's from Colorado. The squirrel that disagreed with talking pumpkins. Pumpkins. Who needs them? Humans? Who needs them? Us squirrels could totally rule this world. Oh. Ahem. Sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself. My name is Ava. Ava the squirrel and I have a problem. It's called talking pumpkins. They are monstrosities who mock us squirrels because we used to eat pumpkins before they started talking. How did it happen, you say, well, there was a human who bought a pumpkin for her daughter to carve into a jack o' lantern for her daughter's. Birthday. But they left the pumpkin out too long. It started to hear words that the words the humans were saying. Then it had been left out still too much longer, and the pumpkin started to talk. Then the humans were so scared, they took it to the grocery store to ask. But at the store, the pumpkin rolled out of their arms and taught all the other pumpkins in the entire large grocery store how to talk. Then the pumpkins ran away from the grocery store and started annoying us squirrels because we used to eat pumpkins. They made us miserable. With hard riddles. My best friend James. My best friend James got a practically impossible riddle. It's time that this stops once and for all. Fellow squirrels come together. We have to band together to stop these talking pumpkin menaces. So that night we told those pumpkins, enough is enough. We're so tired of these hard riddles. We're so tired of us being mad at us. So tired of you mocking us, and so tired of you frustrating all the squirrels. Can't we be friends instead of you annoying us all day and all night? Let us think about it. The pumpkins told us, think about it. Ugh. How annoyed I am. I am. Ava the squirrel and I do disagree with talking pumpkins. The very next day, the pumpkin said, we thought about it and decided, sure, the end. I mean, I mean, brilliant. What?

[A]

You really gave Ava the squirrel some life in that performance. I love any monologue that starts with a character like, muttering to themself and then noticing and addressing the audience.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's very Shakespearean, actually, isn't it? It's like Richard iii.

[B]

Yes. I also like that humans are, and rightfully so, given that it was a Jack o lantern gone awry and left out too long. So they do deserve some of the blame. But at the time, you're just like, wait, what? And I love that about it. Like, what did the humans do?

[A]

My favorite scene, actually is the image of the humans with a talking Jack o Lantern going, what do we do? Let's complain to the store. So they come in with their Jack O Lantern, like, excuse me. And then.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

And then it gets away from them. Yeah. And starts a mob of pumpkins. So my other, obviously, my other really favorite part of this story is that the humans are using, or the pumpkins are using really hard riddles to annoy out of nowhere where they come from. Which, honestly, I relate. There's always, like, that guy who's like, I'm a riddle guy. I got lots of riddles for you. And I'm like, one riddle's great, but they're so hard I'm never gonna get them because they're built to not be gotten the way it's written. They made us miserable with hard riddles. My best friend James got a practically impossible riddle. Well, speaking of practically impossible riddles, I do have a riddle for you two.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Okay, I want to see if you guys can figure out. All right, I'm ready.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Are you ready?

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

I'm in a corner twice. I'm in a room once. I'm not in a house at all, but I'm in a shelter once. What am I? I'm in a corner twice.

[B]

Twice.

[A]

Corner twice. Room once.

[B]

Room once.

[A]

No house. Not in a house. Shelter once. Shelter. A corner. Like a street corner. I'm thinking room, but maybe it's a different kind of corner. So what's on a street? Two roads. Not in a shelter.

[B]

There's more than.

[A]

Is this an evil, impossible pumpkin riddle? Do you guys want a hint? Yeah, think more literally. I'm in a corner. R. You got it.

[B]

The letter R.

[A]

That's good. No, that was the playwright. Okay, let's get to our final story. And this one is a. It is a dialogue of sorts. And I was wondering if I could distribute roles to the three of us and we could read it together.

[B]

Great.

[A]

Can you pin the cast list on the board? Yes. No guarantee you're gonna get the lead, though, Peter. So, Alison, would you read Wilbert?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I'm gonna read mom and Teacher. And then, Peter, would you read Bob, Random Student, Narrator, and Jeannie? Yes. I'll remember all of those. Okay, this final story is from an 8 year old in Tennessee named John. And John's story is called the Banana Touch. I'll also read the stage directions. Okay. Alarm clock rings Honey, wake up for breakfast. The bus will be here any second.

[B]

Coming, Mom. Oh, the bus is already here. I better go. Bye, Mom.

[A]

Scene change. Wilbert at school. Hi, Wilbert.

[B]

Hi, Bob.

[A]

Today we are learning science.

[B]

Um, we're in kindergarten.

[A]

Scene change. End of school.

[B]

Wow, that was a long school day. Hey, spots bumping on spot spot.

[A]

Something on the ground.

[B]

What's this? Ooh, a ring. I'll put this in my ring collection.

[A]

Later that day at home.

[B]

Mom, check out this ring that I found.

[A]

Oh, Wilbur, throw that in the trash can.

[B]

Why, Mom?

[A]

Because the banana gods have chosen you.

[B]

Don't worry, it's not like you are going to turn into a banana or something.

[A]

Wilbert slides on the ring and touches his mom.

[B]

Oh, no. My mom did turn into a banana.

[A]

Then Wilbert remembered that he had a magic lamp in the closet. So he ran to the closet and he rubs the lamp so hard that a genie comes out and says, you.

[B]

Only have one wish. Or if you need one more, you'll.

[A]

Have to give me a million dollars. So the boy went to the store, he found $1 million for a penny, and ran back to the genie and gave him a million dollars. And he gave him another wis. Another wish? Yes.

[B]

Genie. My two wishes are my mom being a human again, not a banana. And me not having a spell on me, of course.

[A]

Whooshing SOUND and Mom banana turns back into a human.

[B]

Oh, Mom.

[A]

Then he hugged his mom.

[B]

Oh, no, not again.

[A]

His mom turned into a banana again. The end.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Wow. I'll say. The detail I love the most is that this narrator who doesn't show up until late in the story, the narrator, who should be impartial, is just saying he went to the store, he got a million dollars, and then he gave. Gave the genie a million dollars. And he gave him another wish. And then the narrator says, yes, with four S's. He's invested. Yes, he's rooting for Wilbert. I think if Story Pirates has taught our audience anything, it's that a narrator who's invested in the stories more interesting than a narrator who's not. Yeah.

[B]

I will say, I also like the slight shift in typical genie lore. We're used to three wishes, you know, that's the typical. But one wish. Unless the genie gets a bribe.

[A]

All right, well, before we move on. No, I'm going back to this. I'm just realizing how funny a sketch the day at school was. Yeah. Because I was distracted by the characters. But it's just at school. Hi, Wilbert. Hi, Bob. Today we are learning science. We're in kindergarten. Cut to the end of the day. That's really funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The way that you read it originally, I liked too, because it was more of like. It was less outrage and more like a question. Wearing kindergarten. Kindergarten, sir. Wearing kindergarten.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, can you believe this guy? Alison, thank you so much for being here today with us.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

And to read all of today's story love stories yourself, just head to storypirates.com and guess what, Grown Ups. You can find an even longer version of today's Story Love on YouTube. And Grown Ups. StoryLove isn't just the name of a segment on our show. It's also the name of our incredible corporate volunteer program to find out more about Storylove our digital creative writing program StoryQuest, or our nonprofit armed Story Pirates Changemakers. Check the Show Notes for links that's it for today's episode. Thanks to today's authors, Bentley and Mallory. And a huge thanks to all of you for joining us for season eight of the Story Pirates Podcast. And guess what? You can still send us your stories and we respond to every single story we receive. So grown ups. Your link to submit stories is in the Show Notes for Today's Episode. We'll be back next week with another brand new episode. Until then, stay creative and stay kind. Bye. The Story Pirates Podcast is a production of Story Pirates Studios, executive produced by Lee Overtree and Benjamin Salka. This episode was produced by Sam Baer, Peter McNerney, Andrew Miller and Lee Overtree. Recording, sound design and mixing by Sam Baer at the Relic Room in New York City. Additional production by Brett Toobin. Theme song by Bobby Lord. Musical scoring by Eric Erson and Jack Mitchell. Our head writer is Peter McNerney. Staff writers are Megan O' Neill and Alexis Simpson and contributing writing by Lee Overtree. Episode artwork by Camilla Franklin Special guest Allison Pill. This episode features performances by PJ Asima, Eric Austin, Andrew Barbado, Colin Batten, Langston Darby, Sasha Diamond, Tara Halpern, Quinton Johnson, Vanessa Magula, Peter McNerney, Josh Nassar, Megan O', Neill, Lee Overtree, Peter Russo, Julia Schroeder, Kristen Studdard, Rachel Winitsky and Nimini Ware. The Bed was written and produced by Jack Mitchell. Special thanks to Lauren Alenkovsky. Where's the bed? A bed for leova tree Find a bed a bed for leova tree where's the bed? A bed for Leo of a tree Leova tree Sleepy? It's true. I'm basically always sleepy, but luckily I can sleep anywhere. Hey, look. A giant pile of mashed potatoes. The perfect place for a nap. I'll just lie down here.

[B]

Perfect.