B (31:59)
I appreciate you sharing that because we're seeing so much violence in the society and much can be tracked down to humiliation. And it's a practice to learn to see shame because shame is so painful that we do all these things to not feel it. And yet once you start catching on, oh, okay, that's shame in some way. I feel I've been demoted. I feel put down. I feel badness. And maybe it plays into what Paul was describing as that undercurrent of I'm bad anyway, in my own mind, then we can start seeing how when we get angry at others, that is one possible vulnerability deep down, that if we don't pay attention to, it'll keep us hooked in conflict for our lifetime. So what I'm going to do is invite you to choose a place of conflict in your personal life, one that's not traumatic. And just to start considering that I'm going to speak a little and then guide a short meditation, one that you probably have to do on your own for a longer period of time if you want to go deeper. But what I want to start with and say is that a big question comes that when we're in conflict with someone, isn't it dangerous to be compassionate? Won't that set us up for more harm? Many, many people ask me about that. And I want to say that the kind of compassion, mature compassion, that Paul has been speaking of is a commitment to alleviate and prevent suffering for all. And it's not passive, it's not a green light. Think of it as yin yang or Joan Halifax, as strong back, soft front, that we speak from truth. We have the courage and the clarity to speak from truth and to discern what's causing harm. That there's the wisdom to set the boundaries that make sense and rules and, you know, societal level, laws and soft front. We still have a tender heart. We're still inclusive. And I don't want to pretend this is simple. It's a life path. Another underlying question is what motivates us when we're in conflict? Anger is so addictive, we know it right. That it's addictive. It's very powerful. We feel more powerful. Our mind tells us the other is bad or wrong, and we believe it. And I just want to circle back here and say that when we start deepening attention, we can sense that if I live my whole life with this sense of bad othering, this clench in my heart, my heart armored. I'm never going to be inhabiting my potential, my potential to live and love fully. We know that. My friend Ruth King says anger is initiatory. It's not transformational. In other words, we need it, it's intelligent, it energizes us. But we need to wake up out of the trance of anger, of self and other, us and them if we want to act from a place that's transformational. And I remember learning a lot about this. We were when the United States was approaching the invasion of Iraq and I'm thinking of that because of Iran right now. I felt this huge anger and aversion towards political leaders for pushing the war and then was reflecting on what the Buddhists say, which is hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed. So I started turning inward. Instead of bad othering, this has just become a life commitment for me. Instead of bad othering, my commitment is to pause and turn inward. And it's sometimes really hard because bad othering feels better, as I mentioned. But when I did that, when I was with this anger about Iraq, I felt all the fear underneath it, all the powerlessness underneath it that the suffering that would unfold. And I found such grieving for what was going to happen. And that opened me up to care. And I'm sharing this with you because when I could act from care, much more powerful, much more healing. Under anger, under conflict, there's always vulnerability. And if we go deep down, there's something we care about and if we can get in touch with the care, then we can bring that wisdom and courage that Paul talked about to creating a better future, a better relationship. We can see that others aren't an enemy. Humans are not the enemy. As Paul described, we get trapped in biological systems playing out humans are not the enemy. But if we think they are, we get waylaid. As one phrase says it, vengeance is a lazy form of grief. We get waylaid. We don't pay attention to what really needs attention. We don't get down to the love and the compassion that can actually guide us. So now I want to go into the actual trainings that help us to shift from the trance, because it's a trance. It's a clench of anger and vengeance and blame into that open heartedness and wisdom of compassion. And it really comes down to, and Rick started right in with this. It comes down to vulnerability, this willingness to not feel comfortable for the sake of truth, for the sake of evolving, for the sake of wholeness. John Paul Lederick, who I very much admire, talks about moral imagination, that we can imagine the vulnerability in others, even if we can't immediately sense it. We can start imagining it and we do whatever we can to have the proximity with whoever we're bad othering so we can actually get the felt sense, oh, human like me. Because as long as there's distance and we're not paying attention, they can be a bad other. And I say this because just this morning I was listening to the stories of some people in parent circle, which is a group of Palestinian and Israelis who've all of them have lost children. And one was describing being locked in hate and anger, you know, bad othering until she was with that circle and she looked into the eyes of another woman who had also lost her child, and they could weep together. They could feel that shared space of the broken heart. So vulnerability is key. We have to feel the vulnerability. It opens naturally into tenderness. And we have to act as John said. When Paul was speaking, he talked about action as an integral part of compassion. And I want to emphasize that, that it's not just having kind feelings. It's engaging in some direct way to bring healing. And the last piece of training is to widen circles, to actually sense wider and wider circles of those that belong. So with that, I want to invite you to take a few breaths and let your attention go inward. Just notice what's here right now. Let the breath help collect your attention. And just for this short time, exploring what it means to bring awareness or superpower to a place of conflict. And you might bring some place into mind again, not where there's major hostility or trauma, but where there's distance, where there's anger, perhaps something more that you might tune into and sense your intention as you do this, to deepen understanding and connection. So the beginning of this is to be aware of the situation and sense the inner experience it triggers. You're doing what I call the U turn. So when you're sensing you're bad othering someone, you take a U turn and you sense, well, what is going on inside me? What might I be unwilling to feel? And then just breathe with that, let it be there. You might investigate as you're doing. So what am I believing about this other person or myself? Maybe I'm believing that they're not respecting me. There can be shame under that. They're not loving or caring. They don't really make me special. They don't understand me. Sense what you're believing, but more important, how it makes you feel and if it helps to put your hand on your heart, I find just that gesture can anchor more in the body and just say, how does it make me feel? What's really going on inside me? You might find that underneath there's a few emotions. Maybe under anger there's hurt or there's fear. And you might sense even more deeply, what's the unmet need? What was I hoping for? What did I want that didn't happen? Did you want attention, care, respect, understanding? And then take it the next few moments to offer yourself genuine kindness in whatever way works for you, Just feel your own awake heart, or feel the energy of the Buddha, the Bodhisattvas, or whatever larger field of benevolence you might relate to. Just feel it pouring in so that that vulnerable place is being washed through with care. And notice. Quality of presence that opens up as you deepen attention in these ways, perhaps allowing you to now look at the other person through more clear eyes, more wisdom to sense the conflict and imagine what they might be feeling. What's it like being you? You might ask the question, where does it hurt? What were they hoping for? Was it to feel respected, loved, important, understood? Just feel your own heart becoming more spacious and tender as you sense that person's vulnerability. And you might take a moment to imagine if that person had their needs met, they felt safeness, if they felt care, if they felt belonging, how that gold, the light warmth of their natural being might shine through. And you might sense who you are when you're present and caring towards another. Who are you really? So you can sense the gold, your true nature, true heart, Your shared belonging with others. And you might imagine that in widening circles that include all beings, that all beings have that vulnerability, a feeling, separate biological system is reacting. All beings have the coverings and all beings have the luminosity of gold shining through. Spirit. This is rumi out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing. There's a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass. The world is too full to talk about ideas, language, even the phrase each other doesn't make any sense. Thank you, friends. Please feel free to take a few full breaths, open your eyes, and we'll continue on together.