← The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast
The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast
1KHO 423: The Worst Parts of Life Can Be Made Good | Tori Hope Peterson, Breaking the Patterns That Break You
01:03:35
Loading summary
Transcript63 lines
- [00:01]
Vicks Representative
The winter brings lots of opportunities for fun outside, but it also brings along more instances of illness and that awful super dry winter air, chapped lips, cracked skin, breathing issues. It can be a mess. For 125 years, Vicks has been a trusted solution for relief when you need it most to get you back to being you. The wintertime discomfort comes from dry air and the fact that the humidity is very low. But keeping indoor humidity at 40 to 60% can can help relieve that dry nose, cracked skin and chapped lips. Vicks is the only humidifier brand that offers a 1, 2, 3 combination a cough suppressant, menthol vapors and hydrating mist which provides powerful relief from coughs, congestion, stuffy noses and dry air discomfort. We really notice how the moisture for the humidifier helps to soothe nasal passages and relieve congestion. And if you combine it with Vicks VapoPads, the cooling sensation of menthol helps to enhance the relief. Find the Vicks Cool relief along with VapoSteam and a variety of VapoPads on Amazon. There's a special offer on Amazon on the Vicks Cool Relief Humidifier where you can get 20% off your purchase. Just go to Amazon.com and search Vicks VUL 600 Cool Relief Humidifier. It has a blue tank with white in the center. Be sure to click the coupon to get the discount. You need this for wintertime comfort.
- [01:22]
Jenny Urich
Welcome to the 1000 Hours Outside podcast. My name is Jenny Urich. I'm the founder of 1000 Hours Outside. I'm also kind of sick, so that's all right. And this is like one of the jobs where you're like, oh man, the way my voice sounds kind of matters. But it doesn't really matter because we have a wonderful, wonderful guest today. Tori Hope Peterson is an author, speaker, Bible teacher and lover of people. Since coming to Faith, she has shared her testimony in life as authentically as she can to help and offer hope to others. Tori is known for her fierce advocacy work for foster care, adoption and vulnerable children at home. She is a wife and mama who deeply values faith, community and hospitality and also Miss Universe.
- [02:06]
Tori Hope Peterson
Thank you. I'm so excited to be on A Thousand Hours Outside. It is something that is a part of our family and what we do. And yeah, I just love your brand and it's so cool to be on here.
- [02:19]
Jenny Urich
I'm honored, honored to meet you. I've read both of your books, which is a really cool pair of books, Tori. The first one is called Fostered. It's a memoir. One woman's powerful story of finding faith and family through foster care. And then coming out right around the time this podcast goes live is your newest book, Breaking the patterns that break you, Healing from the pain of your past and finding real hope that lasts. What a great pairing. So you go through your memoir, and then the book that comes out next is this nonfiction help you in a more general way to go through the things that might be hard in your life. Was that always the plan from the beginning?
- [02:58]
Tori Hope Peterson
Oh, I think, you know, like, you, we start this work and we don't really know where it's going. And so when I. I started sharing my story on social media, really, when I was in college and I had a professor come up to me and he said that was one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I've read in a long time. And I went to a college where people were good writers, people were very smart. And I kind of always felt like the dumb one. Honestly, I just never felt like as strongly educated as everybody else. And so when he said that, it just meant so much to me. And I. I made a blog and I started sharing my story more. And then from there, I got my first book deal. It was actually a publisher that reached out to me on social media and said, you know, we would love to publish a book of your story. And I. I wanted to share my story because I wanted to tell people what God had done in my life. If, when you read that first book, Fostered, it's really a testimony, it's a long testimony of just the love of God entering into my life and me understanding that I am his daughter and he's my father. And then after I, you know, I would say after I turned 18, after I aged out of foster care, I moved throughout 12 different homes while I was in foster care. And then I aged out, and I thought, okay, all my suffering is, it's over. Like, it's. This is probably the end. And then as an adult, it continued, and it was. I was confused. I was like, isn't this all this pain supposed to be over now that I'm done with the foster care system? And so the second book is really just the journey of what it was like to heal. And both of those books, I think, you know, when I wrote them, it's so funny when you, when you write books, you have the people in mind that you're writing them for that you hope will buy them, that you hope they will touch and it'll change their lives. But both of my books, you know, they have been Blessings to me. They have been avenues for my own healing. And, yeah, I wouldn't necessarily say it was. It was the plan, but I'm glad that. That that's what happened because it's been so helpful and so good for me, and I hope for. For the people who read it.
- [05:12]
Jenny Urich
I only know of one other person who's done the same thing where they've written a memoir and then, in a very similar way, written a book about what they've learned through all of their trials. And it's a woman who was in the Holocaust. Her name is Dr. Edith Eager. She's still alive. She's in her 90s. And she wrote a book called the Choice. It's her memoir. And then very. It's a very similar thing to have the two books together. And then her second book was called the Gift.
- [05:36]
Tori Hope Peterson
And.
- [05:36]
Jenny Urich
And it was very much like, these are the important lessons that you need to know that are universal. And I just think it's a wonderful duo of books. It's so cool to do it that way.
- [05:47]
Tori Hope Peterson
Thank you.
- [05:48]
Jenny Urich
Fostered and then breaking the patterns that break you. So I learned a lot about foster care, things that I never would have known. So I thought maybe we could talk about a couple of those things.
- [05:58]
Tori Hope Peterson
Yeah.
- [05:59]
Jenny Urich
One thing I never considered was you talked about how you're in and out of these different homes, and some of them were actual homes, and some of them were group homes. But you go into the home, and some of the parents are fantastic, and some of them are abusive. But what you wrote about. I never would have considered this, Tori, is that the ones that are good and make you feel like a daughter, you don't automatically feel like a sibling, though. And I thought that was a really interesting thing I've never considered. Could you talk about that?
- [06:30]
Tori Hope Peterson
Yeah. I think when I was moving from foster home to foster home, I wanted to be accepted and loved so badly. I wanted a family, I wanted a home, and I wanted to stay in a home, even though I moved so much from the outside, it probably looked like I didn't want to stay in the homes that I was in, but I did. And when I would enter into a home, it would feel like I was trying to. I don't know what other word to use in shapeshift. Like, I was trying to mold myself to be like the family and just like, whatever they liked, I like. I had this one foster family. They were super into basketball. The parents both played basketball in college, and both their kids were, like, basketball stars in high school. And I ran track in high school, and I am. I'm like 5, 3, 110 pounds. And I was like, let's try basketball. And because I wanted. I wanted to be good at it because I wanted them, I wanted to fit in. And within, like, the first month, I ran into a girl and broke my nose. I twisted my ankle. Like, it was just like, it. It wasn't working. And so when I think about just trying to fit in, you know, it never felt as natural as I would have hoped it would. And I think now being a foster mom, it is really similar. I've learned that you can love a child. Like, you can have that instant love. And like, even in foster care, I can love my foster parents and I can wanna be them. But what I've learned is that love is not attachment. And so when we learn about attachment, which I talk more about in my second book, you know, there are different attachment styles. And what we want to move towards, you know, in. In children and as adults, is a secure attachment. And that usually takes time and work and effort and walls being broken down and a lot of reflection from acknowledgement of, you know, maybe the. The unhealthy attachment styles that, that you have. And. And when I was young, I didn't. I didn't even know what attachment styles were. But learning about my attachment styles has been, like, mind blowing. Super helpful. I would encourage, no matter what background you came from, it doesn't have to be foster care, especially if you come in from a dysfunctional background or if you don't have the best relationship with your. Your family of origin, your caregivers. Attachment styles are just so incredibly interesting. And what I encourage people to do is just look them up. There's like four or five, and you just read about them. And I think the best thing to do is read about them and then you kind of identify like, you reflect and identify like, these are the ones that I identify with the most and just learn more about them. For myself, I struggle with, especially when I was a young adult and a teenager, is what's referred to as anxious, anxious attachment style. It's where you kind of latch on to people and you just want them to love and accept you and you're willing to do, like, anything for them to do that. And then when things maybe get too close or too intimate, you kind of put your walls up and you. What I did was I would try and test people. I would try and see like, I'm gonna do something real crazy and see if you actually stick around and stay. And then you know, usually relationships. Relationships corrode when we do that. And so learning about your attachment styles, so helpful to learn how you connect with different people.
- [10:01]
Jenny Urich
You have just gained so much wisdom in this book. Breaking the patterns that break you. You go through all of these different lies that we might believe, like, time always heals. And one of the things you talked about was friendships. You would say, I would do everything. I would be the one that invited all the time. I would tolerate anything because I just wanted to be invited and I wanted to be a part. But since then, and you're still really pretty young, you've learned all of these bits and pieces of relationship and life and you've made changes. Like, I thought this was just a really wise thing. I used to be the friend who always reached out. And now once we have a get together, I wait, I wait for the other person to initiate the next one. And I thought, gosh, that's like an amazing thing to have learned and to have implemented in your life. So there's so many specific things that you get out of this book. Breaking the patterns that break you. Another thing about the foster system, one of the things you had talked about was often they base where you're placed based off of the number of beds that the home might have. And you talk about this attachment style and the needs that you have, and you're trying to shape shift, but really you just need some healing. And you say, well, in some cases, that's too many kids. And the adult in that home can't. Can't. Foster is a dumb word to use there. The adult in the home can't fully help the. What the needs with what the needs are. And so you had said, I thought this was like a phenomenal idea, almost like a points system where it's like, well, this kid needs this amount of help. And so once we reach this amount of help that's needed, that that's the limit of kids. It's not based off of beds. Can you talk about that?
- [11:41]
Tori Hope Peterson
Yeah. This is probably a little controversial in the foster care space, and there's not a lot of talk about it, but at the end of the day, there's a lot of foster families with really big families with a lot of foster children in their home. And the risk that I see with that is that when you're taking in foster children into your home, these children have just such greater, higher needs than a child who hasn't had as much trauma or who has never been removed from their family of origin. And so what happens is when you have all these children with a lot of trauma living in the same home. It's really hard to just like you said, care for them to the extent and to fulfill all of their needs, to give them the attention and care that they need to heal. And so right now, the way that the foster care works, as you said, it's however many beds a home has, then you kind of call that family and ask them if they'll take kids until the beds are full. But I. What I suggest is maybe like some kind of sliding scale or some kind of point system where we look at the child's trauma or we look at the child's needs and we rate those needs and we can't take in, you know, another child until those needs go down or we taken. It's kind of like if there was the highest level, you couldn't have kids that their point system adds up past that highest level. And I think that would just be to assure that kids are getting their needs fulfilled. The hard part with this is that right now we don't have in the United States, and especially in big cities, we don't have enough foster families for the children coming into foster care. And so why homes are packed and why caseworkers cases are overloaded is honestly because there's so many kids coming into care and not enough foster families to take them and receive them and care for them long term.
- [13:48]
Jenny Urich
That's one of the things that you're out speaking about and advocating for. And you do talk about your compassion for the caseworkers. You had some really awful situations where you went to the caseworkers and said, there's abuse in this home or something's off here. And then they would call you a liar or they wouldn't fix it for you. But you did have a lot of compassion for them saying like what you're saying now that they're in a system that's not designed for anyone to win. And if there was this boundary of a point system or something like that, that would help because they wouldn't just be trying to file kids into wherever they can fit them. Do you have anything else to say about that?
- [14:26]
Tori Hope Peterson
Yeah, I think caseworkers jobs are so incredibly hard. I used to really. I was really mad at my caseworkers because like you said, I spoke up about abuse that happened in homes. They didn't investigate it. They just moved me on and told me, you know, you're going to be really hard to place now since you lied about that. And it was so heartbreaking because it Wasn't a lie. I was trying to protect other kids in the home. And then you know what? I had four more years in the foster care system after that first time. I reported abuse. And the entire time that I was in care, I was questioning, should I have actually told? Because what if I could have stayed there and then just protected the kids? Like, I could have just kept the secret, and I could have. I could have helped everybody. And, you know, you carry that for that to be carried as a kid, you know, I thought, this is my fault. The kids being abused is my fault now. And for that, for you to carry that as a young person already with so much trauma. I had a lot of anger towards caseworkers when I was a younger adult, when I was a teenager. And now as a foster parent, it's so wild, right? Like, you know how our moms. Our moms always told us when we were kids, they're like, you won't understand until you become a mom. And you're, like, rolling your eyes as a teen. And you're like, yeah, whatever. I understand.
- [15:41]
Jenny Urich
Yeah.
- [15:41]
Tori Hope Peterson
It is so real. Like, I. The things that. I have so much more compassion for my mom. I have so much more compassion for caseworkers now that I have become a foster parent, because it truly does show you such a broader perspective of what everyone is going through on the side. And I don't think that that makes, you know, my story in foster care, like, let my perspective of when I was a kid less legitimate. I'm really thankful that I wrote my book when I did. I was, you know, I was very young when I wrote my book. I was, like, 22, 23. And for a memoir, that's obviously very young. And I look back on it now, and I think oftentimes I think, oh, I would have maybe said that differently. But when I think about it, I'm like, actually, I wouldn't. That was, like, the very raw perspective that I had. And so I hope that when people read it, they look at it through the lens of like, okay, this is the perspective that she had when she was younger. And when they're caring for their teenage children who've come from hard places or their children who come from hard places as young adults, that it's still something that they can. I think it actually offers a clearer perspective of what you're going through before you experience more and what you need before you experience more, before you become a parent.
- [17:02]
Jenny Urich
Wow. One of the things that. Oh, my gosh, this is, like, the worst.
- [17:07]
Tori Hope Peterson
You're doing great that was like your first call.
- [17:10]
Jenny Urich
Someday I'm gonna come hang out with you and we're gonna go like to the Toledo Zoo or something. And I won't be sick. This was supposed to be in person and I had to make it over screens because so I didn't cough all over you.
- [17:22]
Tori Hope Peterson
You'll have all our kids and we will be outside and it'll be a dream.
- [17:25]
Jenny Urich
It'll be perfect. You also clear up and make sure that people know the purpose of foster care. I think that'd be a good thing to throw out here. It's not cheap adoption. What is the purpose of foster care?
- [17:37]
Tori Hope Peterson
I say that the purpose of foster care is to make families whole. And so that can be done through reunification. Reunification is when a child goes back with their family of origin or their first family. It can be done through adoption, which is absolutely beautiful thing. It can be done through long term foster care. So when teens come into foster care, a lot of times it's not in their best interest to be adopted because of all of the things that the foster care system offers. If you age out of foster care and it can happen through kinship care and that's usually where a family member or maybe a family friend comes and they come in and they're the people who care for the child long term.
- [18:16]
Vicks Representative
Today's show is sponsored by Strawberry Me. Are you feeling uncertain about what's next in your life or career? You're not alone. Life can be so overwhelming. Big decisions, changing relationships, or just trying not to make a mistake. There are definitely times when I question what I'm doing and I bet that's something we all struggle with. At times, it's easy to start questioning myself. Whether what I'm doing matters, if I'm capable enough or even on the right path. Sometimes it feels like no matter what I accomplish, the doubts are always there holding me back. That's why I decided to try something new. Strawberry Me personal coaching.
- [18:50]
Jenny Urich
And let me tell you, it has.
- [18:52]
Vicks Representative
Been so eye opening having someone to really listen, ask the right questions and help me focus on what truly matters. It's the kind of support I didn't even realize I needed. Strawberry Me will assess your needs and connect you with a perfect coach for you. You can start communicating in as little as four hours with a certified professional coach. Done securely online, it's more convenient and affordable than traditional coaching. And there's a broad range of coaching expertise available in the network. Visit Strawberry Me outside. That's Strawberry Me outside. And take charge of your future with the help of a certified coach. Make sure to take advantage of the special offer for 1000 hours outside podcast listeners and get 20% off your first month membership at Strawberry Me. Slash outside.
- [19:40]
Tori Hope Peterson
What's the best time of day to get a deal? All day with Jack in the Box's all day big deal meal. You get to choose from four entrees.
- [19:47]
Jenny Urich
Like the supreme croissant and five tasty tasty sides, plus a drink starting at $5.
- [19:53]
Tori Hope Peterson
So hurry in or take your time. You've got all day at Jack.
- [19:58]
Jenny Urich
Every bite's a big deal. Imagine what's possible when learning doesn't get in the way of life. At Capella University, our game changing flexpath learning format lets you set your own deadline so you can learn at a time and pace that works for you. It's an education you can tailor to your schedule. That means you don't have to put your life on hold to pursue your professional goals. Instead, enjoy learning your way and earn your degree without missing a beat. A different future is closer than you think with Capella University. Learn more at Capella. Edu. So you have all of these people who made a positive difference in your life. There's people that you read your books that make you just livid of how they treated you, how they treated other children. But then you have these other people that you talk about that made a huge difference. Mr. Rodenberger, Tanya, Gigi, Scott. What do you think it is about? It's like these stark differences. Tori. It's so interesting. It's like we're all people. And it's almost like you go one of two ways. What creates a Scott or a Gigi or a Mr. Rodenberger?
- [21:08]
Tori Hope Peterson
In my 11th foster home, you know this. Um, but in my 11th foster home, my foster parents, they were professing Christians proclaim the name of Jesus. We went to church almost every Sunday, and then behind closed doors, they abused their kids. And it created a lot of confusion for me about who God was and the character of Jesus. And I just was like, I don't want anything to do with God. Was very skeptical of religion because I felt like God was probably just like a mask that you put on to make yourself look good when you do bad things. And then I went to that, that abuse was exposed, went to my last foster home, who was Gigi, And Gigi proclaimed the name of Jesus, took me to church every Sunday. And she lived it out. She was sacrificial, she was loving. I remember I had all these questions. Like I said, I was bitter about God. I was like why didn't God give me a dad? Like, if you love me so much, why didn't give me a dad? That would solve some of my problems, right, Gigi? And she was like, I don't know. And that's the first time I heard a Christian say, I don't know. Usually when I asked questions, it was just people telling me what I should believe and how I should believe it. And that just softened my heart because I was like, oh, I'm not the only one that doesn't have answers. And as a teenager, that felt so good. And I started just listening in church after she said, I don't know. Because I was like, maybe we're just, we're learning together, right? And we would go and we would talk about it. And when I look at that situation, what I see is, right, there's two ways that we can live life, that we can proclaim the name of Jesus. And one confuses people and it pulls people away from God. And then the other one brings clarity and it brings people closer to the heart of God. And so when I think about the difference, it's hard because I don't want to say that my, that 11th foster home. I don't feel like it's in me or my, in my knowledge or wisdom to say whether they were Christians or not. But I do, I do think that when I looked at that situation, it was such a gift to me because I, it was like when I came to Christ, it was, I came to Christ very in, in Gigi's home. And I felt like what God said to me was like, there are two ways that you can do this, and one's going to do this and one's going to do this. And I think maybe the difference is, is just caring about the difference. The difference is acknowledging that the way we live, with integrity or not, is going to affect the people around us and it's either going to hurt them or heal them.
- [23:46]
Jenny Urich
And you really get a sense of that through both of your books, that there are these almost two paths and the ramifications there are long lasting, either very positive or also very negative. And you can make such a big difference. I mean, these people in your life, Mr. Rodenberger, Tanya, they didn't know that someday you're going to write a memoir and then follow it up with this amazing self help book. They don't know that at the time when they're just buying you the shoes that you need for sports or not complaining. I mean, that's a pretty simple thing to say. I'M just not going to complain about this kid. I'm going to love them. You had even said something like, I couldn't remember a time when I heard foster parents praying for the children in their care more than they complained about them. So these are really inspiring things to take life lessons from. And you have learned so many life lessons, and you go through them and breaking the patterns that break you, all of these different lies that you talk about. And it kind of started a little bit with Mr. Rodenberger, it seemed like, because he gives you this book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens. Tell us what happened at that point.
- [24:52]
Tori Hope Peterson
Yeah, I would actually definitely say it started with him. I was like, in the seventh or eighth grade, and he had us read the book Seven Habits of a Highly Effective Teenager, which is a spin off of. There's, like, some adult versions. 7 Habits of a Highly Effective Person. And in that, the first rule was begin with the end in mind. And I don't know what 8th grader actually knows what that means. So I asked, and he basically just said, you guys need to really start taking life seriously, because if you don't, some of you are going to end up like your parents. And that was very striking to me. In that moment, what I imagined was me as a mom, similar to the life that I was living as a kid. There were drugs on the table, and people who were unsafe were coming in and out of our house. And, you know, my children were just. They were not taken care of. Things were unstable. You know, that was, like, the thing that I imagined. And then the other vision I had was, like, me as a mom, and there were not drugs on the table, There were toys on the table, and I was able to be a nurturing mom. And there were safe people in our home, and I was a safe person. I think that really was the moment that I was like, okay, I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do, but I'm going to start applying myself in school. I'm going to start taking my sports seriously. And I do think that was a moment. Like, those things are now. Every. Everyone knows, every adult knows that, like, your grades are not end all, be all. Your athletic career is not end all, be all. But I think for someone who came from the background that I came from, I did not have discipline. I did not have, like, I think I had resilience, but I wouldn't say I had discipline. And, like, a lot of the characteristics that you. You need to be a successful adult. And so what I feel like Mr. Rotenberger did was kind of started to just give me kind of like a vision to begin those things. I didn't know how to build good relationships with adults. I. I didn't even talk to my teachers or many authority figures outside of my home before Mr. Ronberger said that. But to do well in school and to do well in my sport, I had to. I had to be coachable and I had to be teachable. And. Yeah, and being coachable and teachable truly has been, like, foundational for the rest of my. My life, because I've. If I wouldn't be coachable and teachable, and now I'm an adult, and I have, you know, ministers in my life, and I have wise counsel. And if I wouldn't have learned how to take feedback and not get defensive, which I have still gotten defensive at times. But if I hadn't learned how to take feedback and even through defensiveness, actually think about it and reflect on it, I mean, breaking the patterns that break you wouldn't even be a thing. Because many of the things that I've learned are from the people who have walked. You know, just walk with me hand in hand, and not, like, judged me or pointed a finger at me and said, like, you need to fix yourself, but have said, like, I. I see you as a daughter in Christ. I see your potential. You have a beautiful future. And there are some things. There are some choices that you need to make to get there.
- [27:55]
Jenny Urich
You wrote. And it's really cool, Tori. So you wrote this with the seven habits of highly effective teens that you start to imagine at that point as a middle schooler. And it's like the light bulb goes on that there's a different way. And so it's similar in breaking the patterns that break you. You have all these lies, lies a lot of people believe you're too young, these type of things to make a difference. And it's like the first time where you're like, wait a minute, maybe things could be different. And you wrote, for the first time, God gave me a glimpse of my future. I imagine my future husband and my children. I imagined no separation, no divorce, and my children knowing and loving their father. I imagined safety and security for my children. I imagined a big house where everyone wanted to eat. I imagined making a home and building a family. And as I sat in that classroom as a middle schooler, I made a conscious decision to do everything for them. The family I didn't know yet, but would someday have. And so in that moment, these are the decisions to break generational Trauma. You had written that sometimes it takes three generations to do that, but you were able to do that in one generation. And the med. I don't know if it's a metaphor or if you would call it an analogy or just a picture. The picture of restoring an old home that wraps up this book. Breaking the patterns that break you is so deep. And I just thought, you know, you talk about you buy this old home and it has character that new homes don't have. And even when you go to restore things, well, it takes a long time. And also maybe it never even gets to perfect because there's foundation issues or things are slightly settled. Funny. And yet you wouldn't want to tear down that beautiful hundred year old home. How did you think of that? I mean, I just think that is so meaningful. Like that really sticks with me.
- [29:51]
Tori Hope Peterson
Yeah. So my husband and I, we bought. So we moved back to my hometown from Minnesota. So now we live in Defiance, Ohio. And I wanted, I was like, we cannot have a minimum. We have to, we have to have a minimum of four bedrooms. Because we knew we wanted to do foster care. Hosting and hospitality is very important to our family. We often have friends from college and just friends from all over come and visit. My husband's family all lives in different states. So we were like, we have to have a guest bedroom. And but Jacob, he wanted a, he wanted like an investment property. Wanted like a duplex. We'd live on one side and then we could rent out the other. Like you don't find four bedroom duplexes like this. That's not going to happen. And then I was on Zillow. Shout out. They should sponsor this podcast episode. I was on Zillow and I put on the filter. Four bedrooms and multifamily home. There was one home that popped up and we went and walked through it. It was a 100 year old duplex, four bedrooms on each side. So eight bedrooms total. We walked through it and after five minutes we were like, this is it. This is our house. This is what we hoped for. We put an offer on it, didn't do an inspection. We were just like, this is our house. We moved in literally like three weeks later. It was so fast. Lived on one side, rented out the other. And we knew that it wasn't our forever home. Even though it was four bedrooms. Very like imagine a four bedroom duplex. It was very congested. So even though we had the rooms for everyone, it did not feel like we had space for everyone. So we have littles and teens and you Know, I don't know anyone who's listening to this just gets it. Like, teenagers want their space. Littles are all over the place. Me and my husband both work from home, so we were like, this is a great, great property to start with, but definitely not our forever home. But it needed a lot of work for us to transition to somewhere else. And so we started just remodeling it. And my husband, that's his thing. He. He started at the beginning of our marriage. He would find stuff off the side of the road and he would like, you know, like when people put like their old dressers on the side of the road or their old chairs. Every time my husband saw something like that, he would take it and he would flip it and then he would sell it on Facebook marketplace or sell it at a garage sale or something. And so flipping things and making things new was kind of his thing. And I, I stayed away from it. I was like, this is stressful. But when we, you know, we're in this house together, you do it together. It's just because it's where we were and it's what we did. And what I was learning. Yes. Is that, you know, I. What was happening was that we were, we really moved back to my hometown because we were in a place of pain and we were searching for healing as well. And then as we were working on this house, it was like our healing was. It was just like we were walking parallel the healing with the house. Like what was happening with the house was happening in our hearts. There would be a project and be like, okay, we're going to, we're going to work on this. We're going to fix this. And it's just one thing. We just got to get this one thing done. And then, you know, you would take that drywall off and you would see that there were 10 other issues behind it. And that's a lot like how healing is like when we really search our hearts. This is the thing that I have to fix. And then when we really start excavating and asking ourselves questions and taking inventory, it's like, oh, this pain is actually here because of this childhood trauma. And this childhood trauma was actually passed down by my mom who went through something really similar. Right. Like there's layers and layers to it. And so the restoration process of this home was just so similar. But at the same time, you know, when we looked at our home, this 100 year old home, it had so much character at the. I think we had a friend that was building a brand new Home. And it's a beautiful, beautiful home. But it was, like, all white, all black. You know that style, right? Like, all white, all black, no color. And then, like, this home that we were remodeling, you know, it had its original woodwork. It had just such intricate, beautiful character to it. What it reminded us of is that, like, we don't just. We shouldn't just throw out this beauty. We want to keep it. It's something special. It's something of its time. And I think the same is true, right? For our own brokenness. We don't just say, oh, that's in the past. I'm not going to acknowledge it. We're just going to discard of that. When we look at it and we don't hide it, but we heal it and we reveal it, what happens is we. We see that when it's mended back together carefully, when we're healed, it can do something really beautiful. It can help people. It can serve people. We can use that brokenness to ultimately offer more compassion and love.
- [34:36]
Jenny Urich
Gosh, I loved this, Tori. I mean, the writing. I was like, this is so deep. You even had A quote from C.S. lewis in there that talked about, man, it hurts. You start knocking stuff down, and you think, what? This doesn't make any sense. And then in the end, you have a palace instead of the little cottage you thought you might have had. But I want to read your words. You wrote, it has been Jacob's dream. This is your husband. Since we married, to restore something as big and broken as our duplex. I'm like, I don't want to get emotional because I'm already kind of sick. I'm like, I have to hold it together. That home has become our soft landing pad where we could make beautiful what had been broken in the home and in our hearts. Old homes possess the kind of beauty that is nearly impossible to build into new ones. And you wrote, and it might never be perfect, but what a picture to say. It's a picture that points to what you've done, which is make good out of really hard circumstances. Like, I loved this sentence, and this one's in your memoir in Fostered, where you wrote, God has made my trials, my triumphs. I got chills when I read that. So that house analogy, and then you take it further and you say, my goal is not to be a homemaker necessarily. I want to be a safe house. I want to be. I want to have a safe house, but I want to be a safe house. Can you explain what you mean by that.
- [36:00]
Tori Hope Peterson
Yeah. So that C.S. lewis quote actually came after I wrote my introduction. I found that later, and I was like, oh, my gosh, I have to put this in, because what I wrote in my introduction, in the whole point of breaking the patterns that break you is really the same heart, right? Like, we're like, we expect that God is doing something in us, but we see it as so much smaller than what it is. And, like, really, God's trying to make a palace. And. And that idea of, you know, I think as women, we're like, we want to be homemakers. We want to care for our homes. And that can be very, like, management. Like. Like, I don't. I don't want to be a manager of the home. I. I want to be a provider, a lover in a safe place. And, like, that's just the other idea. Like, God is doing so much more through us as women, through us as caregivers, and through us as just people who are. And offering care for other people who are healing. In my first book, I wrote, when it's all said and done, I don't care to be known as a powerhouse. I want to be known as a safe house. You know, God is referred to as our safe house, as our safe place. And we are made in his image. We're called to reflect Jesus. And when I look at the people in my life who had the greatest impact on me, you know, we talk about Scott, we talk about Gigi, we talk about Tanya, what they all did. You know, it's as. You know, it's amazing to be able to do platformed work. It's such a gift to be able to speak and write. But when I look at the people who are truly like, I watch them change lives every single day. They are sitting on their couch, they have an open door, they have food on their. On their stove, and it's. Anyone can come and eat it. And they sit there and they listen really, really well. My. My track coach, so he was a track coach in the evenings, but during the day he was a factory worker. And Gigi, when I was living with her, she was a nursing student, and she failed out of nursing school. And Tanya, her job is that she goes to two stores and she restocks the magazines. Like, these people, they're ordinary people, but they open their home and they show up and they love so. So radically and right. They can do that out of. They can pour out because they have that within themselves. I think when we feel safe in the arms of our Father and when we know the truth, spoken over us. What he says about us, then that pours out and we're able to offer that to other people. And as I've watched them do what they've done for me and for other girls coming from hard places, kids coming from hard places, you know, that's what inspires me to be a safe house, to be a safe person. Um, I think I just won my taxes. Yeah, I just switched to H and R Block in about one minute. All I had to do was drag and drop last year's return into H and R Block and bam. My information is automatically there so I don't have to go digging around for all my old papers to switch.
- [39:00]
Jenny Urich
Nope.
- [39:01]
Tori Hope Peterson
Sounds like we just leveled up our tax gain.
- [39:04]
Jenny Urich
Switching to H and R Block is easy.
- [39:06]
Tori Hope Peterson
Just drag and drop your last return.
- [39:08]
Jenny Urich
It's better with block. This episode is brought to you by Amazon.
- [39:14]
Tori Hope Peterson
Sometimes the most painful part of getting.
- [39:16]
Jenny Urich
Sick is the getting better part. Waiting on hold for an appointment, sitting in crowded waiting rooms, standing in line at the pharmacy, that's painful. Amazon One Medical and Amazon Pharmacy remove those painful parts of getting better with things like 247 virtual visits and prescriptions delivered to your door. Thanks to Amazon Pharmacy and Amazon One Medical Healthcare just got less painful.
- [39:40]
D
When it comes to raising kids, there's so much to consider. Things like, what do we feed them? When do we feed them? How do they sleep? What does it look like to raise kind kids? How does their nervous system work? How do I keep myself calm? What are my triggers? There's so much that comes in into play, and we are distilling all of that information for you at Voices of your Village podcast, where we bring experts in the field of early childhood and education and psychology and across the board so that you don't have to comb the Internet for information. You get to show up and hang out and have shame free judgment, free conversations and insights into what it looks like to raise kind, empathetic, emotionally intelligent humans. I'm Alyssa Blask Campbell. I have a master's degree in early childhood education. I'm a mom of two and I am walking this journey right alongside you doing this work. Come hang out with me at Voices of your village and we can dive into real conversations with actionable tips.
- [40:40]
Jenny Urich
And what you say is, you say, Miriam was a safe house. So we have people that listen in that are all different faiths. But there's a lot of really beautiful Bible stories in here, a lot of really beautiful connections that were so meaningful. I wrote so many of them. Jacob has always been One of my favorite stories in the Bible, because he says, what you meant for evil, God meant for good. And I just think that's so powerful that sometimes we get caught in the crosshairs in all sorts of different situations of unfair treatment. And Jacob was, like, wrongly accused and put in jail and thrown into a pit. And probably he could have handled some things better or he could have maybe had some better interpersonal skills. And there was some issues there. But at the end, he. He doesn't hold that against people. So you go through. You talk about Esther, you talk about Job, you talk about, like I said, God has made my trials my triumphs. And then you talk about Miriam, which I don't really hear people talk about hardly ever. Tori. And you wrote Miriam was a safe house. Talk to us about that.
- [41:40]
Tori Hope Peterson
Yeah. So Miriam was Moses sister, and she was the one that assured that Moses was safe, that he was able to be taken care of, and that he was able to be mothered. She was the one that got him to. The one that mothered him and nursed him. And when you look at the life of. Of Miriam, I also talk about her because she. She's someone who dances. And I think when we often talk about dancing in Scripture, we usually refer to David, which I did also refer to David in the book, but I think I wanted to refer to a woman who often. That was purposeful. I wanted to refer to a woman who often goes unseen. You know, David was a king, and he was very powerful, and obviously he's like one of the most important and admirable people in Scripture. But Miriam was very overlooked. And Moses wouldn't be Moses if it wasn't for Miriam being a safe house. And so I think that it just, like it emphasizes the importance of being a safe place, of caring for people, because the reality is it actually is a usually overlooked, unseen thing that's a part of my life that not a lot of people know about. And it's because you can't really be public about it because it involves very intimate parts of kids stories and vulnerable people stories that would be exploitative if you talked about it too much. And so it's a very unseen part of a lot of people's lives. But it has such value because you never know if you're caring for Moses.
- [43:20]
Jenny Urich
Oh, that's so good. Wow. I'm not sure if I've ever read anything about Miriam in all sorts of books. You know, I was like, wow, it's so cool. You talked about her watchfulness. And I thought when I Became a mom because, you know, you hear the story. And she said, oh, I know someone who can nurse him. And it, you know, it was her mother and his mother. And then I was like, oh, I didn't realize that. I mean, he might have nursed till he was seven, six or seven. I mean, the. He could have. I mean, that's the, you know, around the world or maybe back then, you know, you think in your mind, oh, a four month. It was four months or something, or, you know, certainly less than a year. But he could have nursed and had that whole early childhood with his mother and formed those attachments. Yeah, it was really cool. I want to read this. You wrote, homemaking has never been my aspiration, but making a safe house has. I do not want to just manage a house. I want to create a home where anyone feels welcome and safe. A place where there is abundant food to eat, peace to sleep, and freedom to hurt. I want to create a safe house. I want to be a safe house. And that's in breaking the patterns that break you. But it weaves so beautifully with fostered, because in fostered, you write, we value hospitality. Nearly every day, someone walks into our home unannounced and is fed. We have maintained our guest bedroom despite having six children at one point. And I don't think a week goes by that someone isn't sleeping in it for at least one night. We say our family changes monthly. And then you talk about this beautiful union that you have with Jacob like. Like the. The perfect match or the pair. And I know obviously no marriage is perfect, but you write, I thought this was such beautiful writing. I feed people. He creates spaces. He collects chairs. I gather the people to sit in them. He's unfazed by broken buildings, and I'm unafraid of the brokenhearted. And you talk about, you know, foreseeing down the road, you got pregnant before you got married, Which I'm always like, yeah, baby. But I know in the church world, you know, people can be real judgmental about that. And here you are as this pair that is impacting the world so greatly. Could you ever. You talked to me about this before the call started, but it's like, could you ever imagine, like, when you found out you were pregnant, and then people have been nasty about it. They were nasty about you and your platform, saying that you're overshadowing him. I was like, come on. Women in the church suggested my work was making my husband sad because he was not receiving opportunities that appeared as big as mine. Surely my work was demeaning to his identity. You're like, okay, why are we doing this? But could you ever imagine. Take us back to that point where you find out you're pregnant, and now here you are as this really amazing complement of each other, changing the world. Yeah.
- [46:08]
Tori Hope Peterson
Thank you. Our marriage has been, like you said, no marriage is perfect. Our marriage has been such a journey. And what I realized, like, writing and breaking the patterns that break you, When I looked at, you know, our life, it was like, okay, we've broken the generational curses. There's not abuse in our home. Our children aren't going into foster care. We're able to provide care for other children. But what I notice in both of us, but especially in me, was that there was these thought patterns that remained, you know, and they were either the things spoken over me or maybe that it was the way that we lived when we were younger that informed unhealthy behavioral patterns. And I thought that I was going to get married. And when I was very promiscuous when I was younger and when I was. That was like, my it. Relationships were very hard for me because I would latch on to people, and then the relationship would, like, explode, and I would latch on to the next person. And I just wanted to, like I said, be loved, accepted. I was willing to do anything to get that. And then the relationship would kind of fade or dissipate. And so when I got married, I was like, oh, like, I'm gonna be married forever, so this pattern's gonna stop. Like, everything's just going to kind of fade, and everything's gonna be happily ever after. But everyone who's married, anyone who's married, knows that what happens when you are married is it. It really magnifies your struggles. It magnifies your sin. It magnifies your pain, your trauma, and your hurt. Even though it looks like a band aid, it's not. It's like you're going under a microscope, and you see every little thing that has hurt you. And so that's how it was, especially for me. And what I had to do to feel safe within myself and feel safe in my home was really acknowledge, right? Like, the brokenness within. Within our family and within me. And so in maybe it was 2020, my husband and I talk about this very briefly in the book, because I'm a big believer that, like, our stories are our stories to tell, because I found so much healing through telling my story. And so this. This is a little bit of his story, and I want him to feel like he can tell it someday. But my husband really struggled with addiction, alcohol addiction, at the beginning of our marriage. And I was looking up. I was, like, researching. I was reading books, and I was like, how do I fix him? How do I fix this issue, this problem? Because this is what I didn't want for my family. And we went to. We were very poor when we got married, and everything that we did was for free. So there was a free luncheon that we went to, and I. I just wanted the free food. But there was a speaker, and he was speaking on trauma. And the speaker on trauma said that if you have grown up in dysfunction, you're four times more likely to enter into two dysfunctional relationships. And what was so wild is that we're going back to Mr. Rotenberger, right? Like, I had known, like, this is not what I want. I'm going to do something differently. Yet when I looked at all the relationships in my life, not just romantic, but authority figures, friendships, they were all quite unhealthy. And so I'm researching, looking up, like, how do I help my husband? And what I find is that those who are often close to alcoholics or in relationships with those who struggle with addictions are codependent. And I never heard that word before. And codependency was discovered when people. Ultimately was discovered when people were researching and observing the patterns of families who struggle with alcoholism. And so I'm looking up this word codependent, and I'm seeing that my relationship patterns are all in it and through it that I enable people because I want to feel loved and accepted. I tolerate really bad things because I am addicted to relationships. But at the same time, I was also a follower of Jesus. I wanted to be a disciple. And so what I realized is that I had a unhealthy dependence on people, and I didn't really depend on. On God. And so what I started to do is I just started to observe my relationships. Yeah, just like what you said at the beginning, where instead of reaching out every day or reaching, being the one that reaches out every single time, maybe just waiting until someone else reaches out. And I had to learn how to be alone. I had to learn how to sit with myself, because at the end of the day, I was just so dependent on people. I wanted people's affirmation and reassurance and whatever. I believe that whatever someone said about me was true. And so what I had to do was I had to become dependent on God. I had to be in his word. I had to learn how to be alone. And ultimately, I don't think I would have ever been. I'll be honest, I don't think I ever would have been brave or bold enough to do that myself. It just kind of happened naturally because my job of public speaking, I would have to get on a plane by myself and I would be at restaurants and I would be eating by myself and I would be in hotels by myself. And you know, I do one whole two days by myself, all by myself. And what I had. And there were times when I would just. I want to call, I maybe have like a two hour drive and I would want to call someone and be on the phone with them that whole drive. Because to sit alone with my own thoughts, thoughts was really quite terrifying. And that's the 14 lies in breaking the patterns that break you. If you read it, you will know why sitting by myself was so terrifying. Because the lies that I believed about myself and about my life were pretty daunting and they were hard to live with. But when I, when I could get alone, when, you know, I really think that God kind of force, forceful sounds like a not godly word, but I think it was a holy kind of forcing. He forced me into this loneliness. And what it did was it helped me learn how to listen to his voice and how to depend upon him instead of people I didn't need, now I don't need. I'm not so reliant on what people say about me because ultimately I know what God says about me.
- [52:24]
Jenny Urich
We are like running out of time here. But I'm like, there are so many good stories in this book. Like when you talk about that, one of the things that stuck out to me with both books was that sometimes response to trauma or being moved from family to family is perfectionism. Because you were saying, like, I want to be liked the best and I want to be the one that gets the most points and I want to be the one that gets the most stars and can I be the favorite? And so I thought that becomes a lifelong pattern where you say you're trying to sort of earn love through accolades and achievements because people are nasty and like, you have these friends and then you go into the foster care system and their parents don't let you hang, let their kids hang out with you anymore. And you think, well, I'm going to prove them wrong. And you have all these ambitions and. And you even talked about how that now in your adult life you're sort of like, well, why didn't I get invited to this conference? Or I'm I'm over here doing this smaller thing. And you had this beautiful sentence. Maybe, just maybe you're right where you belong. And so you just become resilient about not allowing your accomplishments or your accolades to be the defining thing about you. And so these are really, really important things to read. You even talk about the book. Like, you know, this book is going to go out, it's going to be super successful, and all of these people that have hurt me, they're going to come back around and it's going to be healing and it's going to make it whole. But that doesn't always happen. And one of the lies, and you talk about these 14 lies, one of them. And I was like, oh, I've never heard anyone talk about this. This is so deep is closure that sometimes closure. Often, I guess closure doesn't look like an apology or a restored relationship. Can you talk about that real quick as we wrap up here?
- [54:10]
Tori Hope Peterson
Yeah, closure. I think that we, you know, we crave it in relationships when maybe something is broken. Closure is ultimately, you know, some conversation or some idea of restoration. When something is broken or when something ruptures or when there's pain, you want some restoration around it. And so for us who have experienced a lot of pain and abuse, we're looking for closure, whether it's from the people who hurt us or different situations. And I had a foster dad that reached out to me later in my life, and he was like, you know, this, this. He was not a good person. In my story, he was one of the homes that was abusive and very hurtful, and he reached out later when I became an adult. And this is a pattern in my life that I talk about as well, is that when I am successful or when I'm doing well, these foster parents come back around. These foster parents who kicked me out or people who maybe they didn't see me as a good kid or just kind of ignored me. They come back around, they'll say congratulations, and they'll want to be in my life. And it was something that I. I kind of learned. I was think I was maybe conditioned. You know, if I accomplish enough, people will love me, people will come back into my life. Accolades and accomplishments are how I earn love. So I had a foster dad who came back into my life. Just. He messaged me on Facebook. And, I mean, I was pretty startled at first, and I was just very straightforward with him. I was like, just so you know, I did write a book about you. And, I mean, it wasn't about you. It was about my whole life, but you weren't a very good person in it. And he was like, that's okay, I deserve that. And I was like, oh. And I gave him a copy of my book and he, he read it, he said, he read it in like two days and he said, you know, I remember those things and I'm really sorry. And those were some of the things that I was called a liar for. And he said, you know, they were true. And that is closure, right? Like, that is. Wow, that is some restoration. Like. But that did not come until 11 years after the incident. And so for me, I, you know, I. This was what happened. The, the abuse and all the turmoil happened when I was 17 and I had to choose to forgive them even when there was no closure like that. And I think that sometimes we have to, we have to put the bow on closure ourselves because a lot of us, we don't have the opportunity to maybe have the conversation or we don't have a lot of people who are abusive or hurtful. They're not confessing what they've done, you know, they're not apologizing for. And if they are, it is, you know, 10, 20, 30 years later. And so sometimes, you know, we have this, this craving for closure, but we want closure that's out of our control and we need to put closure in our own hands. And so, you know, when we don't forgive and when we don't move on, what happens is our abuser or the perpetrator, the person, the transgressor, they have control. If I would have held on to the unforgiveness of my foster dad for all those years, I would have been bitter, I would have been angry, I would have continued to be hurt. And I don't know if I would have been able to continue to do what I'm doing now. Because, you know, if you share from a place of hurt, then you're going to hurt people. But if you share from a place of healing, you're going to heal people. And so I had to learn how to forgive even when there was no apology.
- [57:34]
Jenny Urich
Oh, it's so good. So this is one of the 14 lies they are going through. And you say, I used to long for closure. Now I see people's actions as a form of closure as well. Someone lying to cover up abuse can give us the closure we desire. Abusers blaming victims is a form of closure. Silence and non responses are forms of closure. A person refusing to confess and take responsibility for their corrupt and unjust actions is a Form of closure patterns speak louder than promises. I will take this with me. You wrote, let people's actions close the door and let God's protection seal the lock. He knows the truth and his knowing is closure enough. Gosh, that's life changing. I've never read anything like that. I was like, that's really. That's so good. It's so deep. That's just one of these 14 lies. If you are a Christ follower. There are some really cool biblical truths woven through both books. I love the part about Naaman. He didn't do anything grand to be healed. He lowered himself into the water seven times. You're talking about his childlike faith. You talk about how Jesus lost followers. I was like, oh, my gosh. I was like, that's so pertinent to today's world where you, you say the thing that is truth and you lose followers and you write, he didn't chase him down or beg him to come back or try and explain. I was like, come on, that's really good. You wrote about how when people say we aren't ready, what they don't say, see, is how God can fill in the gaps. And even this, the Lord indeed does restore what the locusts have eaten. Tori, what an incredible combo of books. It's like a one, two punch. They're so life changing and so important. We need to be obviously talking about foster care way more than we are. So you're out there like, I learned so much through your book, through your experience. The memoir is called Fostered One Woman's Powerful story of Finding Faith and family through Foster care. And the newest book, Breaking the Patterns that break you. Thank you for your grace. I've been coughing through this whole thing and blowing my nose. Tori, we always end our show with the same question. What's a favorite memory from your childhood that was outside?
- [59:44]
Tori Hope Peterson
Oh, okay, let me think on that. Favorite memory from my childhood that was outside. Trying to think back to my childhood that was outside. Okay, I think I have a memory. We'll kind of outside. Okay, that works. So I. Because of my childhood, I don't recall playing outside a whole lot, to be totally honest with you. But my mom was. She was a vacuum salesperson and she would go door to door to door. And, you know, when I think about a thousand hours outside and how we apply it to our family, like, you know, you just. You don't want your kids to be on screens. You want your kids to experience all of the beautiful life that there is to experience outside of technology. And Outside of these manufactured playgrounds, right? Like inside playgrounds, stuff like that. And so, you know, my mom, she was this, this vacuum salesperson and I would ride in the Astro van with her and we would go door to door to door and she would literally walk up with me, she would knock the door, she would do her sales pitch to try and get in the door to show the vacuum, to sell it. And you know, my mom, I'll say forever that she did the absolute best with what she had. But one of the things that my mom handed down to me and when I think about that memory is just grit and determination and hard work. I watched my mom do that from. From a very, very young age. And even though I. I didn't necessarily get to like play outside like my kids do, I watched my mom work really, really hard for our family.
- [61:34]
Jenny Urich
And what a thing. Because there was something you wrote and I don't know if I'm gonna be able to find it in my notes here, but about how the porch is really important to you. So you spend a lot of that. That outta outside time with your mom on people's porches. Just a place to build relationships and a place to look out on your neighborhood and to meet people.
- [61:53]
Tori Hope Peterson
I do. I love my porch. Please, please come over and come hang out on my porch sometime.
- [61:58]
Jenny Urich
I'm coming. Someday I'll get better. And I'm. And I'm coming. I'll come. To different.
- [62:02]
Tori Hope Peterson
For those of you listening, we only live two hours away. That's why we're trying to get to each other.
- [62:06]
Jenny Urich
We're like going to be actual friends. I just have to get over this cough. So. Tori.
- [62:12]
Tori Hope Peterson
Yeah?
- [62:12]
Jenny Urich
Thank you for your grace. The books are wonderful. I'm so honored to have read them and really honored to have had this conversation with you. Thank you for being here.
- [62:21]
Tori Hope Peterson
Thank you so much.