← The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast
The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast
1KHO 529: Tantrums Are an Emotional Poop | Devon Kuntzman, Transforming Toddlerhood
01:00:04
Loading summary
Transcript69 lines
- [00:02]
Nordstrom Ad
Summer's here and Nordstrom has everything you need for your best dress season ever. From beach days and weddings to weekend getaways and your everyday wardrobe. Discover stylish options under $100 from tons of your favorite brands like Mango Skims, Princess Polly, and Madewell. It's easy too, with free shipping and free returns in store order, pickup and more. Shop today in stores online@nordstrom.com or download the Nordstrom app.
- [00:31]
Jenny Yurt
Welcome to the 1000 Hours Outside podcast. My name is Jenny Yurt. I'm the founder of 1000 Hours Outside and we are going to be talking about a phenomenal topic today, toddlers. We have never had a whole show devoted to toddlers and Devin Kutzman from Transforming Toddlerhood is here. Welcome, Devin.
- [00:49]
Devin Kutzman
Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here today. Clearly, toddlers are my life. I'm super passionate about this challenging yet really exciting developmental period and I can't wait to chat.
- [00:59]
Jenny Yurt
Oh, tell us, tell us how you got interested. I mean, I personally, I love toddlers. If I were to pick a favorite age of childhood, it would be one age. One is my absolute favorite age. They are learning so much. I mean it's just so cute and all the things they say also, I know it's exhausting and they get upset about all sorts of random things and you're, you know it and it changes. Like you just you. Those things that happen, they don't happen forever but it's hard to know when you're in that time period. So us about where your interest in becoming this person that's really helping people with toddlers, where did that come from?
- [01:33]
Devin Kutzman
Yeah, absolutely. Well, you know, my background is for many years I was a nanny for high profile families all over the world. And so I took care of a lot of toddlers for a lot of families and a lot of different settings with lots of different personalities. And let me tell you, that was a crash course in toddlerhood and there were lots of ups and downs and all arounds inside of that. And, and as time went on, the one thing I noticed not only for myself but also for parents is that there is a big disconnect between what toddlers are trying to communicate with their behavior and what parents thought their toddler was communicating. And so I started to notice all of these misconnection opportunities when toddlers were so upset, parents were feeling really frustrated. Like why did I even come home? I should have go back to work. What's happening here? And so that's when I realized that on top own, you know, struggles of getting triggered, feeling frustrated and all the things. Because for a long time I felt like if I was doing a good job at my job, if this young toddler was listening to me and, like, obeying and doing all the things that he or she was supposed to do. And guess what? That's not a marker of good parenting or good caregiving. But that's what I used to think. And so once I got over that hump and realized, like, whoa, trying to control this little being and like, taking everything personally is not helping anyone out, I just thought, I have to help parents and caregivers of toddlers. And at that time, there were zero people on Instagram talking about toddlerhood. And I'm like, what are we doing here? This is the most challenging and most critical developmental period, and there's not enough support and resources. That's how transforming toddlerhood was born in 2018.
- [03:24]
Jenny Yurt
Wow. And I had people say things like that to me. Like, they would say, if you don't control if you're. That kid's gonna turn out awful. You know, talking about my own kids. And they didn't. They didn't turn out awful. So there, you know, but it is. I think that piece of control is so interesting. Devin, Dr. William Sticksra talks about this in his books, and they're phenomenal books about. And he has got a lot of them. But the fact that you, you can't. You can't control. You can't control anybody but yourself. And they do grow out of these tantrum phases. Like, at some point they are going to stop having tantrums. But one of the things that I notice as a mom, so I would love to start here, because you're exhausted. I mean, you're so tired. You may not be sleeping through the night yet. I mean, I had kids, I didn't sleep through the night till they were pretty old. So you're exhausted. Maybe you have other babies, you might be pregnant, and you're just dealing with a lot. You talk about being like one meltdown away from losing it. So you're exhaust, exhaust him. But when you go outside or when you have an engaging sensory experience with a child, whether they're playing inside with, like, water type things or, you know, shaving cream, I don't know if people do that. You always see whatever, you know, they've got pom poms and they're trying to put them in the holes. You see all these things, or just outside, they can be engaged for hours and you can get A chance to, to catch your breath. So can we talk about the. I want to start there because to me that was my best parenting strategy.
- [04:49]
Devin Kutzman
Absolutely. You know, that's been mine too. I had it when my son was born. He was just really, I guess you could characterize this colicky. He like screamed five hours a day. It was really challenging. And I was exhausted and sleep deprived. This is like from day one. It was very, very challenging. And what I noticed right away is if I took him out on our little screened in back porch, if I stepped out onto the back patio, within a few minutes he started calming down. And that was just him, even as a baby, being outside, listening, hearing all the birds, seeing the leaves rustle in the trees and everything. And so then fast forward to toddlerhood. Just this morning, my little one wakes up and he's like, I want to go outside and blow bubbles. I'm like, yes, let's get out there at 6:30 in the morning and blow bubbles. Because here's the thing. When toddlers engage all of their senses, right, the more senses we can engage, the more entertained that they're going to be with what they're doing. And so when parents are exhausted and parents need a break, we can sometimes think, oh my gosh, I just need to sit on the couch. I can't do another thing. And that's okay. If you feel this way and if you can like put a chair outside and sit in that chair and get your toddler out there to experience, experiment and explore, it's going to change your life. Because we are feeding toddlers innate developmental drive to experiment and explore. Because that is the main thing toddlers are doing in toddlerhood. Because the whole point of this developmental period is to become their own person. And the way they do that is by discovering the world around them and how they relate to it. And that's best done outside.
- [06:29]
Jenny Yurt
Which is why they're busy. They're busy because this really matters for them. And so they're asking why and they're, then they're trying different things and they're climbing up onto, onto your fridge because they're trying to learn about the world around them. And so if you are really at the end of your rope and you can find one other mom or one other parent or anyone, your sister, bring your sister with you and you can go outside for a little bit and then you can catch your breath because they're going to be engaged in the world around them. So talk to us. I mean there are some, a couple key, tricky Parts. Now you have a membership that people can join if they're really wanting to find some camaraderie during this toddlerhood time. And just to get some strategies and to know that it's normal, whatever's happening is Norma. You also have a book coming out in October called Transforming Toddlerhood. But one of the things that's tricky is that they say, no, no, and you got this cute little kid. I mean, they're so cute and they're just a baby. And then all of a sudden, one of their first words is no. They say no to everything, even the things that they want. How do we deal with that?
- [07:33]
Devin Kutzman
Yeah, well, from our adult, fully mature brains that are looking at things through a logical lens, when we hear that no, we're like, what do you mean no? You don't tell me no. Because it challenges that illusion of control, that idea that we are in control and can control another being. But that's just an illusion. But what's happening developmentally is my toddler is saying, hey, I'm trying to become my own person and learn who I am, so I need to see how I'm a separate individual from you. And so saying no's drawing that line between you and your toddler so they can be their own person. But knowing that this is completely typical developmentally doesn't necessarily make it any easier to deal with. So I would say the first thing about no is to not take it personally and to know that, okay, my toddler is trying to communicate. All behavior is communication. And then from there, what you want to do is look at ways to. To turn a no into a not yet. So say that your toddler, you know, you, it's time to go somewhere, and your toddler is like, no, I don't want to go. You know, or something like this. Then you say, okay, well, we have to go right now. And I know you want to keep playing, and when we get home, we can play more. So you're not saying, no, we're not going to play anymore. We have to leave. You're turning this no into a not yet. I see you're having so much fun playing. When we get home, we're going to keep playing. Do you want to bring one car with you or which cars do you want to bring? And open up a backpack. Even if you have to fill an entire bag with all your kids cars, you throw it in the car and then five seconds later they forgot about it. And then they're happy to be riding down the road in the car. And everything. I think the other thing is that you really have to look at connection because oftentimes toddlers are more likely to cooperate whenever we have influence. And how do we create that influence? It's through connection. It's through connection. And so knowing that it's healthy for toddlers to say no and looking for places where we can allow them to say no because that's like giving them a sense of control. But it's inside of our boundaries that we've created. So it's like looking at how can you meet your toddler's needs within. Within your boundaries.
- [09:59]
Jenny Yurt
And you're just redirecting, you're redirecting a lot. My midwife says parenting is mostly sales. So like you said, if you're like, okay, well, let's take one of the cars with us and we're going to. I mean, it's just like that. I think that the, the scary part and the tricky part, Devin, is that when you're in those stages, and especially if it's your oldest, if it's your first child or your only child or your oldest, you don't really know that it's just going to end no matter what. No matter what, you're going to have an 8 year old that's not going. No, no, all the time. No matter what you do. It's just a phase.
- [10:35]
Devin Kutzman
It is, it's a developmental phase. And I think that's what is so. And you mentioned this at the beginning and that everything that's happening, the thing that is driving you most crazy right now in this moment where you're like, oh my gosh, is it ever going to end? Right now we're in the Y stage at my house, I have an almost three year old, and we went on a bike ride the other day and we're on like a five mile bike ride. He probably asked me why 150 times. It was like, oh my gosh, I don't, I can't. I have nothing else to say about this. You know, why is the river over there? Why are the trees hiding the river? It's like, oh my gosh. I'm like, can we just go on this bike ride?
- [11:12]
Jenny Yurt
Yes.
- [11:12]
Devin Kutzman
Enjoy ourselves. But then at the same time, I'm like, look, my kid is engaged in the world. He's excited about it. And this isn't going to last forever because guess what? Two weeks ago, he wasn't asking why every five seconds. And I guarantee two weeks from now he's going to be onto something else. And it is the most Important thing to remember is that everything that's happening is temporary, right? It's not always going to be this way. It's a stage of development. So what we need to, like, ask ourselves. So we waste so much time asking ourselves, how do I make this behavior stop? When what we should maybe be asking ourselves is, what does my child need right now to be successful? Or how can I support my child in this moment? Or how can I meet my child's needs within my boundaries so I don't lose it, right? So. Because it's okay for us adults to have our boundaries, but we don't want to ignore our child's needs for our needs. But we also don't want to fully cater to our children and ignore our needs. So we have to look at how do we meet our child's needs within our boundaries. And that's a really great way to start, you know, being able to get through some of these moments. But just also know that, gosh, I have so many parents come to me. I'm so guilty of this. I'm doing such a bad job. I think I'm messing up my kid. It's like, oh, my gosh, like, give yourself some compassion and give your kids some compassion. Like, everyone here is human, and we're just all learning as we go through life. And it's okay to not have it all figured out. And it's okay to have moments where you're like, I just, just don't want to parent anymore right now. And that doesn't mean anything about you as a parent or about your child. It just means, hey, you might just need a break or a little bit of extra support, and that's okay because you can still be a human being and a parent at the same time.
- [13:01]
Jenny Yurt
And that's why it's good to have community. Because, you know, when I'm out and about and you see kids that are melting down, which they. They're not melting down too much outside, it really is a very different environment for raising that age one to five, birth to five, it definitely. There's something about it that's calming and the child is engaged. But when I'm around, because now my youngest is eight, like, I'm able to say, that's not going to last forever. Don't worry about that. It's not that big a deal, you know, because you, you do think, you think you're going to ruin them forever if you can't figure out how to get them to stop saying no. Where it's just a phase. It's just a developmental phase, like you said. And I like to think about it in terms of potty training or a lot of different things. People will say, well, they're not going to be nursing when they still go to college. And it's like that with all of it. You know, they're not going to be nursing when they're in middle school. It's going to end at some point. And it's the same with all of these other things. You know, they're not going to still be saying why when they're 14. They're not going to care what you think. You know, they're not going to think you have the answers. So these things are. They're in a little bit of a bubble. And so that community piece, like you talk about your membership, it's just helpful because someone else can say to you, oh, you know, if you can just kind of breathe through it, it's not going to last forever. You're going to make it out on the other end. The other thing that I, to me, I thought was really tricky with toddlers, and especially if you're in an environment where it really matters. And this is the thing, if, you know, if you're in an indoor place and it's quiet or, you know, you're at the library or at the grocery store, they're volatile. They're so volatile you don't know what to expect. I mean, that is a really tricky thing, right? Like, and maybe part of, part of it is this helps the parent to learn to let go at the beginning. Like, if you can learn a little bit to let go at the beginning, that's going to help you as they get older. Because the whole point is letting go. The whole point is completely, is completely letting go. They become an adult. You've got no say even that. Dr. William sticks, right in his book, it's called what do you say? And the other ones are called self driven child. He's like, you're basically being like, here's my opinion, but it's your life, it's their life. So, you know, you're learning right off the bat to kind of let go of control. But how do I do Remember feeling nervous, like, oh my gosh, what if they have a meltdown here? What if I do this? You know, if you say the wrong thing and, you know, you, you give them the, there's mustard on their sandwich and they didn't want mustard and they wanted it cut. And now they don't want it cut and they, you know, you even Talked about like a broken cracker. I mean, I remember that with your kid, you give them a pretzel and they have been broken, and they. I mean, they are just livid. You know, the granola bar broke in half. I mean, and there's. What can you do? So how do we deal with that sort of volatile and it la. That lasts for a bit.
- [15:36]
Devin Kutzman
Yeah, it absolutely does. You know, the thing is, is, as you were saying, it's our. Really what we're doing is to work ourselves out of the job, right? Like, that's the ultimate goal of parenting, is to work ourselves out of the job. But in the meantime, when you're exhausted and you have a toddler who is having lots of contradictory. This is why they're so volatile or how they seem so volatile is because they're having a lot of contradictory feelings, emotions, and needs, right? So just as much as they want to be independent and be their own person, they also are heavily dependent on you for emotional support, and they need that feeling of connectedness and closeness. And those two needs are often competing. And so that's what makes things so volatile, especially coupled with their brain development. Because toddlers have very immature brains. The part of their brain that's responsible for regulating their emotions and in return, their behavior and for logical thinking and things like this is not very well developed. So sometimes we're so afraid of these tantrums and meltdowns that we end up walking on eggshells. But the problem is, is when we're walking on eggshells and constantly trying to make it so a tantrum doesn't happen, we end up being more on the permissive side and constantly appeasing our child. And so then the tantrums never happen. So what happens as a result is our kids have too much control and power, right? Because they, like, their sense of control is, like, too much. And then they never get to have that emotional release from the tantrum. Tantrums are actually really, really healthy. And my friend Patty Whipler from Hand In Hand Parenting always says tantrums are an emotional poop. And I like to think about it like that, right? Because it's like all the things that happen during the day, wait, I want.
- [17:25]
Jenny Yurt
To have a tantrum.
- [17:26]
Devin Kutzman
Right?
- [17:27]
Jenny Yurt
Do you want to have a tantrum?
- [17:28]
Devin Kutzman
Right, Right. We got to get that out. Because all the things that happen during the day, we process it, and then we take what we need, and then we got to let go of the rest, right? And that's the emotional poop. That's the emotional release and so when we start to think of it like this, we realize that we don't need to fix our child's emotions. And emotions aren't good or bad, and they do come and go. And it's okay to let our child have the tantrum knowing that it doesn't make them a bad child and it doesn't make you a bad parent. But if you're doing what I talked about the very, very beginning, how I used to operate, like, oh my gosh, this kid's having a tantrum. They're bad and I'm doing a bad job because if I was doing a good job, they, they wouldn't be having a tantrum. Right? That way of thinking perpetuates that fear of your child's feelings and emotions and makes it so it becomes even harder in these moments. So a lot of what I talk about in my book is really just how we can create acceptance around feelings and emotions, understanding that we're all human beings and that feelings and emotions are part of that tapestry, even if we were raised in a way where feelings and emotions weren't really allowed. And that's what's hard, right? And that's what's hard about parenting these days because we're like re parenting ourselves while parenting our children.
- [18:50]
Jenny Yurt
And I think it makes sense that some of these things that are developmental phases, that they would be good for our kids. That makes sense. That makes sense from their biology. You know, Dr. Peter Gray talks about kids are biologically designed to self educate well, they're biologically designed to have tantrums, they're designed to cry. Crying releases different types of things and it's just part of the package. And as a mom of older kids, I can tell you a couple things. First of all, of all of the tantrums that I experienced, which were probably a lot. I've got five kids. I'm sure there was lots of tantrums, right, Devin? I only remember one. I only remember one. And the one I remember specifically is because I was with someone else at this museum and that person got embarrassed and like ran away. That person was there, was supposed to be like, kind of helping me. And then I had, you know, a kid that had a tantrum and I ended up having to like hold him while he screamed and cried and we went to the car. I mean, whatever. Other than that, I don't remember any of them. And I also don't remember the last one. So at some point it just ends and you don't have that anymore. But it's so good to know that this is an opportunity for them to kind of release all of that pent up emotion and then they move on.
- [20:03]
Ginny
Hey friends. Ginny here from 1000 hours outside and with summer in full swing, I always get the itch to refresh my closet. But I don't want to waste money on trendy pieces I'll only wear once. That's why I love quints. Their clothes are timeless, feel amazing and somehow cost half of what you'd expect for that kind of quality. We're talking 100% European linen tops starting at just $30. Washable silk dresses and skirts and ultra soft cotton sweaters perfect for warm weather. Lay I found myself reaching for my quince pieces again and again. Quince works directly with top artisans and skips the middlemen so you get luxury without the markup. And everything is made in ethical, responsible factories using premium materials. In fact, I'm heading to Virginia to speak at an outdoor event in July. I'm really looking forward to it, but I know it's going to be hot so the 100% European linen sleeveless swing dress has got my name on it. Give your summer closet an upgrade with quint. Go to quints.com outside for free shipping on your order and and 365 day returns. That's Q U I N C E dot com outside to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com outside.
- [21:11]
Cosmo Ad
As I talk with parents all over the country, one thing keeps coming up. How do we protect our kids, stay connected and still give them the independence they need to grow? We want to say yes you can more often to build their confidence, give them freedom and reclaim some of that childhood magic but without handing over a smartphone. That is why I always recommend Cosmo, a very unique tech company that is run by wonderful family focused leaders like Russell York who you've heard multiple times on this very show. Cosmo makes a safe smartwatch for kids called the Junior Track and their brand new Junior Track 5 is better than ever with upgraded GPS, real time location tracking, calling, messaging and more. It is designed with families in mind. There's no social media, no Internet and you approve every contact. It's step by step independence for kids and confidence for parents. As a mom of five and the founder of 1000 Hours Outside, I know how powerful it is when kids can explore, go on outdoor adventures and build real world confidence while you still have peace of mind. Cosmo is a common sense way to make that happen. Right now Cosmo is running an Amazing back to school deal plus free shipping and a risk free 30 day guarantee. Head to cosmotogether.com one kho to grab one today. That's cosmotogether.com the number one kho for an incredible deal today.
- [22:37]
Ginny
Let's have some real talk life insurance talk. You probably have some through work, right? But here's the thing. If you're laid off or change jobs, that coverage can disappear overnight. And even if you've got your own policy, are you sure you're not paying too much for too little? That's why I'm heading to Select Quote. They've been doing this for over 40 years, helping more than 2 million people secure over $700 billion in coverage. Their mission is simple. They shop, you save in just 15 minutes. A licensed select Quote agent compares policies from top rated carriers to find the right one for your health in your budget. And they do it for free. Need coverage fast. Some of their partners offer same day policies up to $2 million with no medical examination. And if you have pre existing conditions like high blood pressure or diabetes, they work with providers who get that too. Life insurance is never cheaper than it is today. So take care of your future while it's simple and affordable. Get the right life insurance for you for less and save more than 50%@SelectQuote.com 1000 hours save more than 50% on term life insurance@SelectQuote.com 1000 hours today to get started. That's SelectQuote.com 1000 hours.
- [23:50]
Jenny Yurt
I also noticed a lot of times, Devin, and you could probably talk to this as well, is that often when our kids had a tantrum they would fall asleep. So maybe they were really tired. And goodness, do I feel like that, you know, if I'm really tired and have to deal with anything that's stressful and life is stressful. Oh my gosh, if you're a toddler and you don't really have control and everyone's telling you what to do and you got a big brother that's kind of knocking you around and there's a baby and you can't get your mom's attention and you know, you know, a couple weeks ago you were nursing and now you've been moved out for the baby. I mean, these are stressful things. You're scared at night. So if you're tired, I mean, when I'm tired, I have much less bandwidth. So sometimes there's other factors there. They're tired, they're overstimulated, they had too much Sugar, they maybe they don't feel good around food dies. Maybe there's different food things that are going on. Maybe they were hungry. I fell in like 97% of the time. I could pinpoint the reason as to why we were like, a little more tippy.
- [24:48]
Devin Kutzman
Yeah. This is why curiosity is absolutely one of our best and most like underrated parenting tools. Right. And I think the reason why we forget about curiosity is because being curious about what's driving the behavior, being curious about what's underneath the behavior that we see on the surface requires us to, to slow down, to pause, to jump off of the emotional roller coaster that we might have jumped on with our child. Like, we have to be the one to like, pull the brakes. And sometimes that's really hard to do when we also are tired and hungry and need a break and all those things. But when we start just being able to separate our emotions from our actions, because I always say a reaction is an emotion in action. And so when we can start separating our emotions from our actions, and I talk about this a lot in my book, I have like several sections all about how to do this and to start being calm and being an emotionally safe parent, we can start getting curious about what's underneath and what's driving the behavior. And oftentimes we'll be surprised when we get start getting curious. We're going to start seeing, oh, my kid has some basic needs here. They need to feel connected. They're like, you know, fighting for my attention with the other kids or fighting for my attention with my phone. Right. Because I've been on my phone all morning. Or they have sensory needs that aren't being met, or developmental needs like that need to experiment and explore, to feel capable, to have a role in the family. All of these things, along with feelings, emotions, and their temperament, I mean, these are all things that impact behavior. And the more we get curious, the more we'll see patterns and then the more we will understand. Because if you really want to transform behavior, just only addressing the behavior on the surface is not going to get you very far. But when you address what's driving the behavior, that's how you truly transform the behavior. Because now we're addressing why the behavior is happening and that's what makes it happen less in the future.
- [26:57]
Jenny Yurt
And it may just be happening because that's what happens with two year olds, you know, or that's what happens with developmentally appropriate. Yeah, yeah. And it's going to change. Okay, so let's talk about this, because you just brought this up. And I think this is a, a good point. It's something that you talk about quite a bit, which is having a role in the family. And I learned quite a bit about this from Michaeline Duclef's book called Hunt Gather Parent, where she was talking about traveling to these different cultures and they're engaging the child. I mean, as soon as they can, as soon as that child is able to help, they want to help. Toddlers want to help. They want to be involved, they want to be in the kitchen, they want to be cracking the eggs. And she says they let them, they let them, even though it's a little bit messier and a little bit slower. And she says it gives them their family membership card. So you said one of their developmental needs is they want to have a role in the family, which can be surprising. You know, they're 19 months. How could they want to have a role in the family? They're two and a half, you know, they can, they're hardly talking in sentences and yet they want to be involved. Can you talk about why that's important? Important? What can families do?
- [27:56]
Devin Kutzman
Yes. You know, the thing is, is that all human beings, we have to remember, like toddlers. Yes, they're not many, there are definitely not many adults, but they're human beings. And all human beings want to have a sense of belongingness. Right. Like there's something that we all desire that and even a one year old, an 18 month old, they're going to desire that as, as well. And so when children have a role in the family, something magical happens all of a sudden. First of all, we're able to get things done. We don't have to let things pile up and say, I have to do that when my kid's sleeping or when they're in bed. We actually do the things that need done throughout the day and then our children can join alongside us. They're also learning life skills. We're feeding the, their developmental drive to, you know, have a sense of belongingness and have a role in the family. And all of this translates to having a team, raising a team player. Because, you know, if you want to have a five year old, a school age child, five, six, seven, eight, nine year old, that helps around the house. Then one day waking up and expecting a six year old who's never had a role in the family to just start, you know, unloading the dishwasher or emptying a trash can or something like this, it's going to be really, really challenging. Which is why we have to End up dangling this idea of, okay, if you do this chore, I'm going to pay you this allowance to try to motivate a child to be a team player. But what's so magical is if we start involving them in small little tasks along the way, you know, even if they don't do it perfectly, like pulling their blanket up on the bed to make their bed okay, it's not going to look perfect, it's not going to look beautiful. But you know, they're gonna do, they're.
- [29:42]
Jenny Yurt
Gonna like that because they, they want to feel pulling and they get to try and smooth it out. It's sensory for them. It looks good.
- [29:49]
Devin Kutzman
Yes. There's so much sensory inside of it because even like, you know, say that you, you need to dust and your child can like help you or like you're vacuuming and your kids like just spraying the windows with the spray bottle and wiping them. Like this is using multiple senses, it's using multiple skills, Fine motor skills, get gross motor skills. All of these things engage the child. So you're going to have a more well regulated child. You're going to have a child that feels connected to you. You're have a child that's learning life skills and you have a child who, once they're six, it just seems normal to help out around the house. And so that doesn't mean you have to have your toddler help every single second. Right? Sometimes you're like, all right, like I just got to go do this, that's fine. But looking for these opportunities and not shutting down your child when they show the natural interest in unloading the dishwasher at 2 years old and things like this, this is where when we shut them down, we're saying the signal that this isn't a place for you. But when we allow them to help in a developmentally appropriate way, we're building those skills and those motivations and that sense of connection.
- [30:51]
Jenny Yurt
I remember Mike Lean was saying in her book Hung Together Parent that if you can see a need and fill it, that is one of the most impressive skills that you can have. So if you just allow, and a lot of people talk about that, like, I think kids will join in and not join in, they'll come and they'll go and they'll come and they'll go and, and if when they come, you can find something for them to do that feels worthwhile, or they can just help you with what you're doing that helps them to become the type of person that can see a need and fill it. And Saheel Bloom just came out with a book called the Five Types of Wealth. And he said, if you can be that type of person as an adult, that people will fight over you. All right. People will fight over you. I don't know what's going on with my voice. People will fight over you. If you can be that type of a person, it's a big deal. And so that starts when they're really little. So that's one of the things that you talk a lot about. All right, Devin, give us a lowdown on screens. So 1 to 5. I mean, we mostly did no screen, low screen, no screen. And this is really tricky in this day and age because it is so wild to me. You know, things change so fast. Right. So our youngest is eight. So we're just three years out of the toddler phase. You know, this one to five. I don't know if I was really considered a toddler.
- [32:00]
Devin Kutzman
They're kind of transitioning out at five, I would say. Yeah.
- [32:03]
Jenny Yurt
So, you know, we're four to five years out of this phase. And now you see that the stroller, the baby bouncer, some of them come with a spot where you could attach the screen. Things have changed.
- [32:14]
Devin Kutzman
Yeah, we're a screen centric society, right? Like, even in. In the work that we do, it's virtual. It involves, you know, screens. And we're. We're a screen centric society. And it's our job as parents and caregivers to support our children in their development and doing what's developmentally appropriate for their age and their stage of development and your unique child. So, you know, the official recommendations are, you know, no screens before two and an hour a day of screen time from three to five. Those guidelines are there as guidelines, but that doesn't necessarily mean that that's what's best for your child developmentally. And I think what we need to do is, if you choose to use a screen, you've really got to be looking at a. How does the screen impact my child? Which you might not see right away, because sometimes screen impact can be cumulative in terms of, like, their behavior, because it can have implications on speech, on sleep, on attention, things of this nature. And then the other thing to ask yourself was really, what would my child be doing otherwise? What is being on a screen taking away from my child in this moment? Would they be, you know, having a role in the family? Would they be outside playing, you know, what might be happening otherwise if my child wasn't in front of a screen? So I'm all about helping parents and helping families create healthy screen habits. And to create healthy screen habits, these are type of questions we need to ask to understand what is, you know, appropriate and what fits best for your unique child and your unique family. But I tend to lean towards less screens are better the earlier on that, you know, as for as long as you can sustain that. And I will tell you that my family lives all over the place and my son has been FaceTiming with family since he was probably 12 months old. And that is something that's been really special to be able to stay connected with family members that we're not able to see often. My husband's French, so his whole family's in France. So, you know, we're not seeing them very often. And what the research shows is that video chatting is one of the exceptions prior to two, yes, it's screen time, but there's some research that shows that there's some positive impact. Now, that being said, we're not saying we're setting up our kids for two hours of screen time of video chatting a day. And you know, the reason I'm bringing this up though is because in the end, screens are a tool and they're a very powerful tool. And so you need to think about what does using this tool look like in our family and for our my child.
- [34:59]
Jenny Yurt
And I do think it's individual. Like you said, you got the situation where you're facetiming. I know you just had a post recently about being scream free in the car. And our particular situation, our kids screamed in the car, I mean, until they were like one and a half, I mean scream the whole time. And so when our second was 15 months, I was like, I'm done. We were headed somewhere, I don't know, was like. And I'm like, I swung through Walmart and I bought the things for the back of, you know, for the back. And then they didn't scream. I'm like, I can put on a Dora. So, you know, I don't, I don't think that it has to be dogmatic.
- [35:29]
Devin Kutzman
Right.
- [35:30]
Jenny Yurt
But to your point, it's like if, if. And everyone's going to have their different situations, you know, where they're whatever, like you're about to lose it, you're going to throw on a show. I mean, I think that that's realistic and it's not about shaming people. And the point is though, if you have these other protective measures built in, like they're getting outside, like they're helping with you Know their family, they're folding the towels, whatever. If more of your life is hands on then those screens, and I know they've gotten more addictive, so I don't know, I'm like a little bit older. Right. So there's definitely algorithms. And also they talk about interactive screen use as being more detrimental and more dysregulating than throwing on a cartoon or something like that. So there's things to know about that. But I think if you have a lot of protective measures built in, you don't necessarily have to be a no screen family. You know, if the, if the recommendation is an hour a day and that doesn't dysregulate your child when they're four, you know, maybe they do get to watch a couple cartoons and you get to take a little rest or whatever the thing is. So I think the problem is it's just over indexed on. We've over indexed on the screens.
- [36:37]
Devin Kutzman
Yeah. And you know, I cover, I cover screens really in depth in my book, I have a whole chapter dedicated to it that talks about these other things like, okay, should screen time be interactive or not? What makes a quality show that's appropriate for toddlers? If you do choose to give screen time, how do you do a screen time reset? All of these things. But in the end you brought up something I think is so important is this aspect of shaming. Right. And I've even posted a picture of, of my son watching a show in the car. Because sometimes when we're in the car for over an hour, like we're going down to visit family or something, then yeah, he might watch a show for a little bit and that's okay because that's what I've decided is okay for my child in that scenario. And I've received so many, you know, messages. As someone who works with toddlers and development, how could you show giving your child a screen? And I'm like, whoa. I'm like, first, how about we just all take a step back and think about moms don't need any more shame from anyone. What we need is the band together and lift each other up and support each other. And second, it's so important to know your unique child as an individual and know what works best for you and your family. And that oftentimes when we see a snapshot from someone's life, that's what it is. It's a snapshot. Right. We don't have all the information. Right.
- [37:58]
Jenny Yurt
Because you're like, okay, is it better if this kid is screaming for 90 minutes straight or that they're calm and they're watching a show that a little cartoon. I mean you have to decide that as a parent and I want to say now as having kids that are older, that that didn't matter. It didn't like turn my kids into screen zombies. It was balanced and measured and occasional and the real life overcame, I think real life overcomes. So if you have a lot of that real life built in, it's not, you know, a little bit of screens here and there is not going to. With the caveat that I do believe they've gotten more addictive and on purpose. So it's not like a little bit of social media for your 4 year old. You know, it's not like a, you know, a little bit of Fortnite for, you know, that's different but you know, a little cartoon here or there. And that's what you're talking about in your book is not. I mean we had cartoons and I feel like I turned out okay. We just didn't have them all the time and constantly.
- [38:50]
Devin Kutzman
Yeah. What's interesting, I just interviewed a screen time expert and actually they are nowadays designed. You said, oh, in their designing to be more addictive. It's actually true. There's a lot of reason research going on and a lot of people who worked in designing apps to like in TV shows for adults to hold attention have now turned around and said, hey, these, you know, things, these, these tactics that we pioneered for apps and stuff are being used in children's shows and things like this to be able to hold their attention longer. And this is why it's better to be an educated parent to have the information and then understand your unique child than to just blanket look at something and be like, you know, just doing, yeah, whatever in that moment. It's better just to look at, okay, here's, here's the information, here's how it applies to my unique family.
- [39:43]
Jenny Yurt
Yeah, I love, I love that you have all the specifics in this book. It's coming out in October because Dr. Victoria Dunkley, she talks very distinctly about the difference between passive and active screen use and that passive is better and slow is better. So if you're trying to, you know, if you need a little bit of a breather, you maybe you're picking something like Wild Kratz or an older cartoon, something like that. Even if it's something from like the 2000s, you know, you could get it on DVD or I mean, gosh, with streaming you can do anything. So you pick something that's a little bit slower and you have these options available for you. So that's going to be in your book Transforming Toddlerhood. People can learn so much there.
- [40:19]
Select Quote Ad
The Jack Welch Management Institute at Strayer University helps you go from I know the way to I've arrived with our top 10 ranked online MBA. Gain skills you can learn today and apply tomorrow. Get ready to go from make it happen to made it happen and keep striving. Visit strayer.edu Jack WelchMBA to learn more. Strayer University is certified to operate in Virginia by Chev and has many campuses including at 2121 15th Street north in Arlington, Virginia.
- [40:49]
Nordstrom Ad
On WhatsApp, no one can see or hear your personal messages. Whether it's a voice call message or sending a password to WhatsApp, it's all just this. So whether you're sharing the streaming password in the family chat or trading those late night voice messages that could basically become a podcast, your personal messages stay between you, your friends and your family. No one else, not even us. WhatsApp message privately with everyone with the.
- [41:18]
Venmo Ad
Venmo debit card, you can Venmo everything. Your favorite band's merch. You can Venmo this or their next show, you can Venmo that. Visit Venmo Me Debit to learn more. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp bank and a pursuant to license by Mastercard International, Inc. The card may be used everywhere. MasterCard is accepted. Venmo purchase restrictions apply.
- [41:34]
Jenny Yurt
I'd love to talk about yelling. I have a distinct advantage because I taught high school before I became a parent and you cannot yell. You cannot yell in a classroom and because then everybody perceives that you have lost control and they will eat you alive. So I had many years where I learned how to keep my composure. And I also had learned that yelling doesn't do anything. It does not give you the outcome you want. You just feel bad later. And so it's not, it's a lose, lose. But in these situations, you know, we've got kids with tantrums. People are watching, they're gaping, they're, they're slack jawed. Your kid's screaming wherever you're at, you know, you're embarrassed, you're tired, but no one really wants to yell. What are some strategies? How can we deal with that?
- [42:17]
Devin Kutzman
Yeah, it's challenging. You know, yelling is our own release.
- [42:21]
Jenny Yurt
It's an emotional poop, right?
- [42:23]
Devin Kutzman
It's our emotional poop, right? And so I think this is a product of what happens when we ignore Our needs and we push down our feelings and emotions. We. And then we're running on empty. And then we have our emotional poop, which is yelling, right? And so of course no one wants to yell and we feel bad afterwards, right? And so what we want to do first is just know that you're a human being. You're hear me say this over and over again because we are human beings, we're not robots. So you're not going to be a perfect parent going through life and like.
- [42:59]
Jenny Yurt
And nobody wants a perfect parent. I definitely, I remember reading that once and I was like, oh, you want. It's like inside you're like, I wish I was a perfect parent. And then no one will ever blame me for anything. And you know they're going to turn out really well. But then what I read was like, of course you don't want to be a perfect parent because what an awful adulthood you would set your child up for then. Because they're not going to be perfect. So I thought that was pretty eye opening.
- [43:22]
Devin Kutzman
It really is. And then when we say, okay, it's okay not to be a perfect parent, and we accept that, we can then start to embrace that every moment is a learning opportunity, even the moments when we yell, that is a learning opportunity. And not only is a learning opportunity for us, but for our children. So say you did yell. That's where I'd like to start, is the fact that it's. What happens next is what really makes the difference. Because you could just yell and then beat yourself up, feel ashamed, try to pretend like it didn't happen, push down all these big feelings and then it's going to happen again, you know, an hour later. Or you could say, whoa, I am so sorry I just yelled at you. I was feeling frustrated, I felt unheard, like no one heard me and I lost control of my emotions and yelled. And then if you can say to your child, how was that for you? How was that for you? When. When mommy yelled. And if they're a younger toddler 1 and 2, they might not be able to tell you if they're older toddler three and four, they're gonna say, I didn't like it, you know, something like this. And you say, I hear you. I shouldn't have yelled. I am sorry. Next time when I feel like yelling, I'm going to whatever it is. And then you practice right there and then. So you're not only showing your child that you're committed to doing differently, but you're also starting to train your brain in that second to have it go differently. That type of repair, the repair coupled with the redo is what creates learning moments for both your child that we're human beings. It teaches them conflict resolution skills. And it also changes your brain to start to build a new habit.
- [45:06]
Jenny Yurt
It's so good. The love and logic books really help me. It is practice. And I love what you said. This is an opportunity for growth. You're training your own brain. I mean, I think a little kid would think it's funny if you said I just had an emotional poop. You know, I'm really trying to learn to be better. And you have to start to think like, did this accomplish what I wanted it to accomplish? The answer is always emphatically never. No, it will never. Yelling never produces what you hope it's going to produce, which is control. It just produces broken relationships and then you feel bad. So it never works. And if you can start to learn these different strategies along the way to help yourself. And I had a couple. I can remember the times when I've yelled in my home just because I learned as a teacher not to do it. Once again, you can train yourself, you can train yourself to like, learn how to be calm, have little things that you say, whatever it is, and you know, box breathing, whatever the things are. But I have a couple instances where I did yell and oh my gosh, do my kids remember them? But one of them was during COVID So during COVID and we're in Michigan. Michigan, everything was like, like heightened fear to the nth degree. And we had meat because you know, we had stacked up on meat. We had had some pigs and we had some meat in our freezer and one of the kids left the freezer open and I yelled. And when I looked back on it, you know, you like repair the relationship and you apologize for yelling. I was like, oh, I had a lot of insight. I was afraid. I was afraid we're all going to starve and we had all that food in there and it gets ruined. And all you had to do was close the freezer and you weren't careful and. But it starts to give you insight into your own behavior and where does that emotional poop come from? And then you realize there's always insight into our kids behavior too. Like it didn't come from nothing. It came from fear or it came from overwhelm or, you know, it came from feeling lack of control. And then you have insight into that's where kids tantrums come from too.
- [46:59]
Devin Kutzman
Yeah, that's so powerful. It really is, because oftentimes we're either parenting the past, right? Where we're like, either we beat ourselves up so much and made ourselves feel so guilty for not being perfect that that's the place we're parenting from, or we're, like, still focused on, like, what our kid did five minutes ago or five hours ago. So when the next thing happens, we're parenting from that place, or we're parenting, like, so far in a, like, pretend, extrapolated future of like, oh, my gosh, is my kid gonna be a bully because he's pushing kids down? Oh, my gosh, is my child going to be physical at school and get kicked out of school because they're hitting? So we're parenting most of the time in moments that actually happen in the past, or probably we're worried about in the future instead of the present moment. And that's where a lot of that's where things go off the rails for us. Right? But we're also human beings. So as you said, it's about creating this awareness, because awareness is the first step to creating change. We can't change a habit or a pattern if we don't realize that the pattern's happening and where it's coming from. So awareness and curiosity are our best friends in all aspects of parenting.
- [48:14]
Jenny Yurt
And really, what if this is the whole point to begin with? What if the point is that, you know, you have this child, Maybe you're in your 20s, maybe you're in your early 30s. You know, you've had your whole childhood yourself, and then now all of a sudden, now you're the parent, and you're like, oh, you've got four years to practice how to maintain your composure. I mean, it's an amazing thing to be able to practice. That's how much time I had to practice in the high school classroom. And it really did change life, I can tell you. You know, there's been two times I have yelled at my kids. I can tell you the exact times. It did not accomplish what I wanted it to. I felt bad about it. They talked about it for, like, nine years afterward, you know, because it was, like a thing for them. But this is your opportunity. Like, it's so exhausting, and it's stretching and it's pushing you to your limit, but also, what a grand opportunity to grow, to train your brain to learn new things. So it really is a wonderful phase. You're transforming toddlerhood and. But you are transforming yourself as a person at the same time. They're happening simultaneously. It's It's a good thing. It's a good thing. We all need to grow. It's like basically forced growth.
- [49:17]
Devin Kutzman
It's uncomfortable because it's uncomfortable. It's outside our comfort zone because it's the unknown. And everything unknown is outside of our comfort zone. And so it's going to feel uncomfortable. And it's a good thing. As you.
- [49:27]
Jenny Yurt
Yes, yes. They are transforming. You're transforming. Everyone is growing and transforming. It's a really good thing. And, you know, often it's happening at these stages of life where you still have decades of life to live. And so if you are learning these skills of training your brain and maintaining your composure, it's going to help you in all sorts of other areas of life, too. I want to hit one more practical thing because this is one of the things you talk about that's a challenging toddler behavior is they run away. And some of them really run away. We would sometimes go outside now, sometimes they're running away when they, you know, it's like it's time to clean up or, you know, you've got to go somewhere. So they're going to run away. And then sometimes kids are just runners. And I had friends where we. When we went out to play outdoors, it's like we'd have to be so far from the parking lot, maybe fencing. Fencing is good. You know, some kids are just runners. What are some practical situations for dealing with kids that run away? When it's time to get dressed, it's time to get going, or they just are running.
- [50:23]
Devin Kutzman
Yes. Well, we want to look at it like inside the moment and outside the moment, because inside the moment are the moments to keep your child safe and to get things back on track. Outside the moment is the time to teach skills. Right. If we're like in the middle of a crisis, that's not the moment to be teaching skills. That's the moment to make sure your child's safe and to get things back on track. But outside the moment is the time to, you know, talk about what happened, talk about what we can do next time to have it go differently, to play games like, you know, Simon says, or red light, green light, or just games that help your child build impulse control. Because toddlers are runners because they don't have a lot of impulse control, and they're testing limits because they're trying to be their own person. And that coupled together is why your toddler is sprinting off. So if this is happening in the house or like in a fenced in controlled environment, Outside, I recommend, don't go running after them, because then it becomes a game. The more you run, the more they run. And then there you go, right?
- [51:21]
Jenny Yurt
Yeah. They got all the control. Like, I can make somebody. I can make somebody run after me.
- [51:26]
Devin Kutzman
Exactly. It so powerful. And then the power dynamics, like, topsy turvy here.
- [51:31]
Jenny Yurt
Yeah.
- [51:32]
Devin Kutzman
And so I like to think of it like kind of like a cat. Like, if anyone's ever had a cat, if your cat's like, escaped out of the house or something, the last thing you want to do is run after your cat. They're just going to run off. Right. So what do you want to do? If you're in a controlled environment, your kid's safe, let your child run till they're done running, then they're sitting there. Then slowly walk over there nonchalantly. Don't make a ton of eye contact. Go sit nearby, Start talking to them, and you can. I. In my book, I talk about the recipe for effective discipline, which we can talk about another day. But you start with some connection, being like, hey, looks like you really don't want to get dressed. You ran off there. What happened? You know? And so you start engaging them, and then you get back on track. Now, if this is in an uncontrolled environment, your job as a parent is to keep your kids safe, no matter what. I always say the best time to use the word no and stop, it's not on a daily basis where your kid's just doing things that are frustrating and annoying to you. It is best reserved for safety situations, so it's not overused and drowned out, because that's when you want to yell at your child. No. Or stop and run after them and do what it takes to get your child back so that you know that they're safe. Right. So how you deal with it in the moment totally depends on is your child safe or is there a potential for danger? And then you might have to say something like, hey, I know you really want to run, and it's not safe to run here. I can't let you run here. So you either have to hold mama's hand, or I'm going to strap you in the stroller so you're safe. When we get to the playground, then you can run.
- [53:13]
Jenny Yurt
Yes. Yeah. And they may be screaming in the stroller, but if they're a runner, that's what you do to keep them safe. The formula for risk assessment, which I learned from Masterclass. This Jimmy Chin, he's an adventure photographer. He said you have to calculate how likely is it to happen at the same time as how. How hurt? What's the level of hurt that they could get? So in a situation where they could run into the street or something like that, it's very likely, especially if you have a runner and if you're by a road or something like that. So you're the one that's calculating that risk assessment when they're young, and then as they get older, you're kind of sort of passing that baton. But I love that you said reserve for safety situations. That's something really important to remember, because you don't want to be the boy that cried wolf. We had a situation. We almost never went outdoors without other people. I feel like that is a safety measure. It's really good to have another family, another set of eyes, another adult with you. There was one time, and I did it once, and I never did it again. I was like, whatever. I'll just go by myself. And we were out in the woods, and there was a man that came by, and I don't know if he was drunk or high. Something was wrong, and he was just yelling at us. And I. I mean, I. I was there with my little, little kids, and I was like. To my kids, I was like, it's time. We gotta run. I'm like, grab your stuff and run. And they did, and they listened. And they still talk about it. They're like, remember that time? But it was because there hadn't been a situation like that in the past that was like, this is the serious time now, you know? So you have to. I think you have to reserve that. I think it's very important so that your kids know when it's serious and when it's not. And. And they can differentiate. So these are all really, really incredible tools, incredible pieces of advice. The book that's coming out is called Transforming Toddlerhood. Give us a little taste of what that's going to be like.
- [54:51]
Devin Kutzman
Yes. This book is super exciting because it's the only book on the market like this, because it is written for busy, tired, exhausted parents. In mind, because it is challenging to read a parenting book that has a bunch of long chapters. You're like. You go two pages and you're like, what did I read two pages ago? I don't even remember. I'm half asleep. So I wrote a book with 45 short chapters covering almost every challenge that you could possibly have in toddlerhood, including if you feel like you have an unsupportive parenting partner, including how to stay calm Knowing your role as a parent, how to set limits, what to do, how to get your child to brush their teeth, all the things, tantrums, crying, everything. And it's a quick reference gu. So say that you're struggling with parental preference. You turn to that chapter and you're going to know exactly what to do. You want to get started with potty training. You turn to that chapter. So it's a book that is really like the user manual that parents wish their toddlers came with.
- [55:51]
Jenny Yurt
Yeah, yeah. And they're only in that stage for a little bit. And you talk about loving it, like trying to do the very best you can to enjoy it as much as you can, even though it's really hard because it is a so unique. When they're starting to learn how to say words and they say them wrong, you know, when they're experiencing, when they want. When they wake up and they want to blow bubbles, I mean, it changes. It's not like that. I mean, our oldest just turned 17. He does not want to blow bubbles and he says all his words correctly. And so, I mean, it's that really hard balance of cherishing it, knowing that it's a short season while it's really, really hard and difficult and you're exhausted. And so I love that you talk about that as well. Reasons to love the toddler years. It's a challeng mental period, but it doesn't have to be terrible. You also have a membership. People are looking for more support. Tell people about that.
- [56:40]
Devin Kutzman
Yes. So my membership will be reopened in August. And so this is a place where you can come to get discipline tools. So what is so unique about this membership is that it's a focus on healthy discipline. What is healthy? It's positive, effective, it's developmentally appropriate. So I like to call it developmentally smart. So we go go through every month a different tool that helps nurture, that works with your child's development, not against it. So you as the parent can learn how to be in charge and how to navigate all this challenging behavior in a way that feels good, that feels in alignment with the parent that you want to be, and that really nurtures your child's development and creates confidence in your parenting skills.
- [57:22]
Jenny Yurt
All right. So people can find that@transformingchilderhood.com you are on Instagram as well. So I'll make sure I'll put all that in the show notes. People can pre order the book today. It comes out in October and I'm hoping to come back in the fall in the fall. We can talk more. We can deep dive into those 45 wonderful chapters about the book. But people can pre order it. It's already out and available now for that Devin, we always end our show with the same question. What's a favorite memory from your childhood that was outside?
- [57:46]
Devin Kutzman
Oh my goodness. I have so many. I feel like I live my childhood outside. I think my favorite memory is just summer days. Like running around in our backyard and making mud in like a little bucket and painting the trees, like painting the bark on the trees and like that was like our summer activity as kids. That and riding our bikes every day all day long. And I was lucky enough to grow up in the countryside on a quarter mile long dead end street. And so all we did was traipse around the woods all day and ride our bikes all day long. And I think it really shaped who I am today and my love of bike riding still.
- [58:25]
Jenny Yurt
And just simple things. Goodness. The simple things we remember. Devin, thank you so much for what you're doing. I love, love talking about toddlers. Thank you for being here.
- [58:33]
Devin Kutzman
Thank you so much.
- [58:35]
Kodiak Ad
Mornings can be a beast. But with Kodiak you can tame your mornings and fuel your wild ones with a real quick breakfast. One that's wildly delicious, wildly nutritious and wildly easy. No more waking up early to make stuff the kids won't eat. Instead, pop some waffles in the toaster or heat up oatmeal. They'll devour on the spot. They won't even realize they're eating protein and whole grains. Keep your wild ones going with protein packed granola bars too. Find Kodiak at your local store. We're the ones with the bear on.
- [59:05]
Joyba Ad
The box craving something refreshingly delicious. Meet Joyba ready to drink bubble tea. Packed with juicy popping boba and bursting with bold, refreshing flavor, these delicious fruity bubble teas are available ready to drink at your local retailers. Just grab go and sip your way into bubble bliss. Discover Joyba's full flavor lineup and where to buy@joyba.com shop.