The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast

Episode: 1KHO 620: How Do I Make Friends? | Jennie Allen, Find Your People

Date: November 14, 2025
Host: Jenny Ertz
Guest: Jennie Allen

Episode Overview

In this episode, host Jenny Ertz welcomes bestselling author and speaker Jennie Allen to discuss themes from Allen’s book Find Your People, which centers on building authentic community in a culture of growing isolation. Their conversation delves into the modern crisis of loneliness, the importance of multi-age and need-based friendships, how to make and keep friends as an adult, embracing vulnerability, and the value of gathering for shared purpose. Rich with practical advice, memorable anecdotes, and candid self-reflection, this conversation is engaging and encouraging for anyone seeking deeper relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Crisis of Loneliness & Mental Health

• Modern isolation: Allen observes today’s society is the most isolated in history, due in part to convenience technology and the erosion of village-like dependence on others ([03:30]).
• Rise in depression: She shares research about communities where technological “advances” (e.g., home washing machines) correlated with increased depression due to decreased communal activities ([06:16]).
• Mental health and children: Allen discusses her motivation for writing Get Out of Your Head and a new children’s book (What to Do with Your Whirly Swirly Thoughts) in response to the parallel crises of anxiety in both adults and children ([01:57]).

"We are the most isolated generation that's ever lived on earth." – Jennie Allen ([03:37])
"Interestingly, once, nearly every home in the village had its own washing machine, the prevalence of depression among the moms in that region rose sharply." – Jenny Ertz reading Allen ([06:11])

The Vital Role of Community

• Natural communal living: For centuries, survival depended on close-knit communities; most of the world still lives in village-like structures ([03:36]).
• Cultural disadvantages: Many Americans lack models for deep interdependence; even as we’re surrounded by people, we lack true, supportive connections.

Reframing Friendship & Making Friends

• No one teaches us: Adults often never learned how to make or maintain friendships, a skill rarely formally taught ([08:56]).
• Social media distortions: Young generations increasingly equate online followers with deep friendship, which Allen considers less authentic ([09:00]).
• Layers of friendship: Citing her research, Allen describes layers: three to five “daily,” intimately close friends; around 50 people as supportive acquaintances; up to 150 as a social “village” ([09:41]).

"Quit looking for community and just realize that you are communal. You were built by God to live communally." – Jennie Allen ([10:55])

• The necessity of initiating: Allen is clear: making friends requires initiative, and it’s normal for initiating to feel awkward and even unreciprocated ([13:37]).

"You’ll never have friends unless you are willing to consistently initiate. It will always be awkward. People will say no, but keep inviting anyway. Friends won’t fall from the sky. Friends are always made." – Jenny Ertz paraphrasing Jennie Allen ([13:37])

Building Community: Practical Strategies

• Proximity matters: Allen advocates for intentionally cultivating friendships within five miles of home for spontaneous, consistent connection ([17:38]).

• Rules for building community:

  • Make five friends within five miles.
  • Embrace awkwardness and impromptu plans.
  • Try never to do things alone (combine errands, exercise, or kids’ activities).
  • Schedule regular group activities (e.g., Bible study, weekly dinners) for structure ([16:41], [17:35], [19:47], [23:13]).

• Accept being needy: Vulnerably sharing your needs or struggles creates reciprocity, deepens relationships, and invites others to step in ([32:43]).

"Here’s what I think: I’ve gotten good at being needy. I’m not afraid of it. Within hours of feeling anxious, I’ll say it out loud...I used to wait till it was all better, and then I’d say, ‘Oh, I’ve just been walking through this time.’ And they just started losing their minds on me...But I really thought I was being so mature, I guess. So I’ve learned the power of saying things out loud, the power of saying them quickly. It’s a game changer." – Jennie Allen ([33:02])

• The power of multi-age friendships: Allen recounts the rich growth from befriending both older mentors and younger mentees; some of her strongest connections grew out of formal roles (babysitter, former camp counselor) ([26:33], [28:47]).

The Value of Conflict

• Essential for depth: The hosts agree that real relationships will feature conflict; enduring, forgiving, and working through issues (not fleeing at the first sign of hurt) are part of deep and lasting friendship ([39:38]).
  • Allen’s real-life example: mediating between two best friends in conflict strengthened their bond and taught them resilience ([39:38], [43:26]).

"You can’t be good friends until you’ve had a good fight…Once you know [you can get through conflict], you’ll be stronger for it." – Jennie Allen ([42:35])

• Mastering apology: Allen stresses apologizing freely, regardless of blame, to diffuse and heal relationship ruptures ([44:59]).

Shared Purpose & Gathering

• Why gathering matters: Relying on research from African communities, Allen highlights the unique and deeper nature of conversations that occur at night by a communal fire, versus daytime “task talk” ([47:32]).
• Ideas for togetherness:
  • Shared meals (dinners, supper clubs)
  • Joint projects (praying for schools, freezer meal nights)
  • Serving together (in ministries, charities, or shared causes)
  • Inviting people into your regular routines ([50:11], [51:18])

“Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing. Those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travelers.” – C.S. Lewis, quoted by Allen ([50:46])

Final Reflections

• Ongoing work: Allen admits sustaining friendships takes continual intentionality, transparency, and effort, not just proximity or opportunity.
• Encouragement: Anyone can start building deeper friendships now—by initiating, being vulnerable, letting go of perfection, and opening up to those already around them.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the epidemic of loneliness:
  • “We truly have built a world where we just don’t need other people. And it’s heartbreaking.” – Jennie Allen ([04:58])
• On the pull of independence:
  • “We’ve built very independent societies that don’t require each other for survival anymore—and therefore we don’t reach out.” – Jennie Allen ([06:26])
• On the awkwardness of initiating:
  • “People would rather be in their robes watching people do life together—because every single show we watch on television is about people doing life together.” – Jennie Allen ([12:54])
• On the layers of friendship:
  • “We’re really not able to have more than three to five daily friends...and then about 50 in that next layer...and about 150 in that next.” – Jennie Allen ([09:41])
• On the necessity of apologizing:
  • “I have to do this all the time. Somebody observed me and said: ‘Jenny, you didn’t need to apologize.’ And I was like, are you crazy? It doesn’t matter if I was right or wrong. You always apologize. They were hurt. You just do it.” – Jennie Allen ([44:59])
• On shared purpose:
  • “We have a deep longing for purpose. We have a deep, long shared purpose. You can create this any way, anyhow, but it’s a good starting point to just go, ‘You know what, we’re going to start praying for our kids’ schools together.’” – Jennie Allen ([51:18])

Suggested Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:57] – How the mental health crisis inspired Allen’s books
• [03:30] – Why our generation is uniquely lonely
• [06:16] – The “washing machine” depression story
• [08:56] – Losing friends, American “fast loneliness”
• [09:41] – Layers of friendship: daily, close, village
• [13:37] – The crucial role of initiation in friendships
• [17:38] – Rules for building community: five friends, five miles
• [26:33] – The magic of multi-age friendships and reaching out
• [32:43] – Embracing and expressing neediness
• [39:38] – Navigating conflict and the necessity of “fighting it out”
• [47:32] – Why gathering around a fire changes conversation
• [50:46] – C.S. Lewis on purpose in friendship
• [51:18] – Harnessing shared purpose for deeper community
• [54:33] – What happens after friendship is lost (and restored)
• [56:43] – Jennie Allen’s favorite childhood outdoor memory

Tone and Style

The conversation balances warmth, humor, empathy, and practical problem-solving, with both Jenny and Jennie drawing on personal anecdotes, research, and reader stories. The discussion is candid and inviting—acknowledging both loneliness and hope, awkwardness and growth.

Conclusion: Takeaways

• Friendship requires proactive effort and vulnerability.
• “Being needy” is not a flaw, but essential to belonging.
• You already have potential community—just look around and get intentional.
• Conflict is normal, even necessary, for real and resilient relationships.
• Gather, share purpose, and don’t put friendship in a box.

A must-listen episode for anyone longing for deeper relationships—or wondering how to help their kids form them.