1KHO 708: When You Want Your Life the Way It Was | Amber Emily Smith, The Girl on the Bathroom Floor

Summary

The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast

Episode: 1KHO 708: When You Want Your Life the Way It Was
Guest: Amber Emily Smith, Author of The Girl on the Bathroom Floor
Host: Ginny Yurich
Date: February 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast features a moving conversation between host Ginny Yurich and Amber Emily Smith, author of the memoir The Girl on the Bathroom Floor: Held Together When Everything Is Falling Apart. The discussion centers on the profound impact of child loss, grief, faith, parenting, and healing in the wake of unimaginable tragedy. Through Amber's heartfelt storytelling, listeners gain insight into living through grief while nurturing a family, shifting life perspectives, and the ongoing journey to healing, hope, and renewal.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Amber’s Love Story and Family Life

• Amber met her husband, Granger Smith (country music artist), during his first music video shoot. Their relationship began as an acting job and quickly turned into real love (02:05–03:20).
• They built a family with three children while navigating the challenges of Granger's touring life (04:38–05:55).

2. The Tragedy: Losing River

• Amber’s youngest son, River, drowned in a tragic accident while she took a brief shower—a moment she relives through endless “what ifs” (08:18–11:46).
• She describes the spiral of guilt, public scrutiny, and the enduring effects of trauma:

  "Not only are you relentless in doing that to yourself, but...people were so critical and harsh on us. You hear the outside world telling you that you're a failure, and then the enemy is telling you that you failed in the one job that you had to take care of your child." —Amber Emily Smith (10:25)

3. Grief, Healing, and Faith

• Amber discusses the necessity and challenge of carrying on for her surviving children and husband amidst her pain (22:37–24:20).
• Faith became her anchor:

  "When my heart broke, I ran to Him. Through that wrestling process...the Lord healing my heart little by little, day by day." —Amber (23:11)

• She emphasizes the value of community, grief groups, and honest conversation about loss.

4. Water Safety Awareness

• Amber became an advocate for water safety after realizing that drowning is the leading cause of accidental death for children ages 1–4 (12:10–13:42).
• She urges parents to consider survival swim lessons (ISR) as a life-saving measure:

  "With Maverick, I watched him at 8 months old roll over and find the air...he was able to float and fall off the side and roll over and get the air." —Amber (13:57)

• Highlights the limitations of floatation devices and the multilayered approach needed for water safety (gates, locks, alarms, CPR).

5. Transformative Perspective Shift

• Amber describes a sharp change in what she values post-tragedy, such as a dislike of superficial distractions and more time devoted to meaningful relationships and faith (26:54–28:42).

  "When I lost my son, it's like all the color went out of the world...it was just trash and it was doing nothing for me to learn or grow." —Amber (27:14)

• She encourages deep reflection on how screens and trivial worries consume time better spent with loved ones or in spiritual growth.

6. Learning to Live in a World that Has Changed Forever

• Processing the reality that life will never return to "how it was":

  "That girl no longer existed. She died that day by the pool on June 4th." —Amber (29:30)

• The idea that one can “move forward” but never “move on”—you become a new version of yourself (Amber 2.0 vs. 1.0) (30:06–32:09).
• Despite loss, her faith and identity were transformed, and she now finds “deeper joy” and renewed purpose (31:20–32:09).

7. Grief in Marriage—Focus on Fathers

• Amber reveals (with permission) that Granger, three and a half years post-loss, struggled with suicidal thoughts—a risk that statistically rises among bereaved fathers (32:09–33:51).

  "Men want to be the rock for the family...they don't grieve as openly. That grief will eat away at your bones if you don't allow yourself to process it." —Amber (33:14)

8. Supporting Children Through Loss

• The Smiths used tools like play therapy and open dialogue to help their children process grief (41:52–43:40).
• Amber shares the importance of letting children see parental grief and openly remember their lost sibling.

9. Faith, Dreams, and New Life

• Lincoln, Amber's son, had a prophetic dream predicting the birth of a new brother—an event that brought hope and spiritual reassurance (45:20–48:01).

  "I believe in the power of the Lord and that there are no accidents or coincidences with God." —Amber (46:56)

10. Legacy: The River Kelly Fund & Organ Donation

• Smiths started a foundation in River’s memory, providing support for various causes (51:10–52:04).
• They donated River’s organs, saving lives and bringing meaning out of tragedy. Amber describes meeting the recipient of River’s kidney:

  "That's the closest that Maverick will ever be to a piece of his big brother." —Amber (53:29–53:51)

11. The Power of Community and Kindness

• Friends and strangers sustained the Smiths after their loss by handling daily needs, providing emotional support, and offering unexpected connections—such as a prayer journal from a stranger turned friend (54:23–56:23).

  "God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you are aware of about three of them." —John Piper, shared by Amber (55:01)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Surviving Grief:
  "Don’t do that to yourself, because that’s what the enemy wants, is for you to doubt yourself, to doubt the goodness of God, and to stay stuck in a place of pain and grief and questioning." —Amber (10:51)

• On Child Loss Changing You:
  "I tried to get back to being the mom and woman I was, but that girl no longer existed. She died that day by the pool on June 4th." —Amber (29:49)

• On Resilience:
  "What began as me sharing like a little devotional turned into me preparing...messages about the goodness of God and what I was learning in grief and love and parenting and joy." —Amber on her podcast, Arise With Amber (25:06)

• On Faith and Joy:
  "I will say now on this side, I have more joy than I've ever had. Deeper joy, true joy, true peace that I didn't have before." —Amber (31:42)

• On Helping Children with Grief:
  "We allowed them to see our own grief too...we just talked to them and told them that any emotion that they feel is okay." —Amber (42:17)

• On Finding Meaning After Loss:
  "When the time is right, aim to do something for somebody else and in honor of your loved one, because it does truly bring joy through a dark time." —Amber, on the River Kelly Foundation (52:04)

• On Daily Life Before Devices:
  "We would literally leave the house in the morning, come back when the sun was going down...That's what I remember is always being outside, riding my bikes with my friends, roller skating outside." —Amber (59:12)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Amber’s Story, Meeting Granger: 02:05–06:49
• Life Before and After River’s Passing: 06:49–09:44
• The ‘What Ifs’ and Guilt: 08:18–11:16
• Water Safety & Survival Swim: 12:10–16:13
• Nature, Screens, and Meaningful Living: 26:54–29:30
• Adapting to a New Normal: 29:30–32:09
• Supporting Spouses and Grieving Fathers: 32:09–33:51
• Guiding Children Through Grief: 41:52–43:40
• Lincoln’s Dream (Hope and Faith): 45:20–48:24
• Legacy & Giving Back (River Kelly Fund/Organ Donation): 51:10–54:23
• The Power of Community & Small Acts of Kindness: 54:23–56:23
• Childhood Memories Outside: 59:12–59:53

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Resources & Further Information

• Book: The Girl on the Bathroom Floor: Held Together When Everything is Falling Apart by Amber Emily Smith
• Podcast: Arise with Amber
• Foundation: River Kelly Fund
• Amber on Instagram: @amberemilysmith
• Granger's New Podcast: 999 for the One

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Tone & Takeaways

The conversation is unflinchingly honest yet filled with gentle hope, deep faith, and practical wisdom. Amber speaks with raw vulnerability and grace, giving voice to pain and healing while offering encouragement and practical steps to others navigating loss. Listeners are left with a deeper appreciation for the fleeting nature of life, the importance of real-world connection, and the ways in which profound suffering can ultimately nurture spiritual and personal transformation.

Transcript

[Narrator]

Oh, it's a beautiful world Ain't nothing on screen that's ever gonna be this view oh, it's a beautiful world and I just want to share with I just want to share with you this beautiful world Such a beautiful.

[Amber Emily Smith]

This episode is brought to you by Peloton Break through the busiest time of year with the brand new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus. Powered by Peloton iq. With real time guidance and endless ways to move, you can personalize your workouts and train with confidence, helping you reach your goals in less time. Let yourself run, lift, sculpt, push and go. Explore the new peloton cross training tread [e-mail] welcome to the 1000 Hours Outside podcast.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

My name is Ginny Erton, the founder of 1000 Hours Outside, and I've just read a heartbreaking and heartwarming book all at the same time. It's a beautiful book. It came in the mail and I was like, wow, this is a beautiful book. It's called the Girl on the Bathroom Floor. The author, Amber Emily Smith is here today. Welcome, Amber.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Thank you so much. Thank you for having me.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

What a book. What a book. And a hard one to write and, you know, and in some ways a little bit of a hard one to read because you talk about child loss in the book. So that's one of the things that we're going to be talking about today. But so brave of you to share your story and I think it's really helpful for others. And you talk about how you've been helped by other people in your walk. You're like, you're constantly looking for other people's stories and how did they make it through and that type of thing. So I think it's wonderful that you put the book out there. It is a phenomenal book. The subtitle is Held Together When Everything is Falling Apart. But I would love if you would give some of your backstory. You've got this really cool falling in love story with your husband Granger, who is a country music artist.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yes. So Granger and I met going on 16 years ago and we met through his very first music video. He was putting out his very first music video and he was casting for the love interest to play the girlfriend. And I was doing acting part time back where I was living in my hometown of Fort Worth, and I just thought, okay, well I'll audition and it could be something fun for my resume. Not expecting that I was going to meet my husband and I just, we spent the day together acting like A couple in love. And then I just knew when I left that day that I had to see him again. And then we ended up having coffee a month later and got married a year after that.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

It's like a story out of a movie or out of a book where you're like, you're just going in to play a role. Wasn't there a thing where you had talked about, like, other people had auditioned and they, they maybe had picked somebody else and he was like, that's not the person.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yes, they did. They went through a whole round of auditions through Craigslist, and they ended up deciding on a girl. And then he got home that night and he just said that he felt, I don't think, I don't think we got the right girl. And that my picture, he was on Facebook and my picture popped up on the people you may know tab, and he looked at my picture and he was like, I think that's the girl just randomly shot in the dark. Messaged a random girl on Facebook. Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

What in the world?

[Amber Emily Smith]

I know.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Okay, so then what is that like when you're like, okay, you go home, you. You're acting. So the whole day is like, you're supposed to be the love interest, right? You. You kiss each other, you know, but it's all an act. You go home and you're like, wow, maybe that felt a little deeper. Are you, like, super nervous to be like, hey, were you just acting or, you know, did you feel anything too?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yes, I was. I had my best friend with me and we were driving home and it was like a two hour drive home and I was, I was just. I think she could tell that there was something different. And I was just like, I think I need. I think I like him. And she was like, no, you don't. You guys just acted like you're in love all day. You don't like you. You won't feel that way tomorrow. And I just couldn't stop thinking about him. So, yeah, I was nervous and I actually was bold and made the first move of texting him a couple weeks later and just said, hey, did you feel anything that day or were we just acting?

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah, that is so brave to actually say that. What did he say back?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Well, I was actually. I had been dating someone for a few weeks at the time, and so he said, well, regardless of what you felt at that day, you probably need to break up with who you're seeing. And I was like, yeah, you're probably right. So hard conversations broke up with. And then we waited A month before we even hung out for the first time, just to make sure, you know, that that relationship was done. And then we had coffee, and that was that.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Wow. So you're already kind of in this life of fame. You're acting. He is a country music star and travels a ton. Can you just talk about what that life is like? Yeah.

[Amber Emily Smith]

So whenever we first got together, he was just starting out touring. We were in a van and trailer. He was traveling to, like, empty bars, and sometimes we would play to only the bartender. But it was so fun. It was so fun. I loved watching him. And then it was fun that we got to, like, kind of see the momentum going as we. As we were married and began to have kids and his career started taking off. And it was just really fun to see him go from that, you know, small little place of a smoky bar to an arena. It was. It was super fun. I will always cherish those. Those days, you know, with the. With the band back then.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

What was the music video that you were in?

[Amber Emily Smith]

It's called Don't Listen to the Radio.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Like, is it still on, like, YouTube? Can your kids see it?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yes. Yeah. Funny thing. London watched it. Our daughter London, when she was about 2, and she. Granger and I fight in the video, and we. We never fight, but we had a bit. We had a big fight in the music video, and she started bawling, crying, thinking that mommy and daddy were fighting. And, yeah, it was. It's sweet that we have our very first day on camera for our kids. Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

What an interesting story. What is his most famous song?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Oh, gosh, that's hard. Probably Backroad song. That was his number one single. So I would say probably Back Road song around the year 2015.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

What's a song that you love that you feel like most people don't know about?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Oh, my gosh, there's so many. I mean, hundreds would make. He would write hundreds of songs that wouldn't even make it on an album. And I. I just felt like he was just so talented and people didn't hear. That's so hard to put me on the spot because I love every single one of his songs. There's a. There's a song, a very early song called Dream on from, like, even before his very first actual single. And I loved that song. Long, long time ago, one of his very first albums.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Were you already a fan of country music?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah, but I think back then I was more into my pop fate, pop rock phase. I did love country music, But I'm a 90s country girl. I love the old 90s country. But, yeah, I loved his music, and I'm so thankful that I did, because I think that would have been really difficult if I didn't like it.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. So you have this story, this, you know, this really unique love story, and you talk about, you know, you're starting to build a family. You've got three kids. You know, you say, like, this is not a. This is not a life without hardship. You got three little kids, and your husband's on the road sometimes 250, you know, days out of the year. It's a lot. And then tragedy strikes. And so you write a book about that. That's really brave to write a book about it. I mean, it's. It's one thing, you know, to live it. Can you talk about, I think did Granger kind of, you know, he wrote a book first, right? Yes. And then was like, it would be really helpful if you shared your story, too, or you guys kind of decide together. Can you talk about that decision point where you're like, I'm actually going to put this in writing.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah. So after Granger's book came out, a lot, I mean, he tells a little bit of. Of what I was going through, but mainly it was him. And so a lot of people wondered, you know, well, what did Amber's grief look like? What did. What did Yalls. What did you guys go through in your marriage? How did your kids deal with it? And so I think just from the encouragement of, you know, our. Our family, our friends, our fans that had followed him, they kept kind of urging me to tell my side of the story. And then I. I just, by the grace of God, had an offer come from his. His publishing agent and asked. She just sent me a message. She said, I just have loved following you guys. If you ever want to put your story down on paper, I would love to help you. And so when that time came, I just reached out to her, and she was just my biggest cheerleader throughout the whole writing process.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. So one of the things that you talk about in the book is just the. The what ifs sometimes, like the hardest part of life. So, you know, you're just going about your daily life. He's about to go to the Country Music Awards, and, you know, it's like the end of the day, you're maybe gonna put your baby to bed, but you're like, I'm just gonna hop in the shower, which is so normal, especially if you're single. Mommy a lot. Right. You're like, I'm just gonna take this 10 minutes. I'm gonna hop in the shower, you know, or he's heading out on. I think so many people can relate to that, right? Like, my husband's only gone for this amount of time, you know, kind of in and out. And in that very short window of time, your sweet little boy, river drowns in your pool. Can you talk to the person who is really struggling with the what ifs? Because this came up, actually throughout the book several times. Talk about at the beginning, why did I take that break? Why didn't I just take the boys inside? Why didn't I just put river to bed? Why didn't I listen to my instincts? Then later on. This isn't fair. Why didn't I just put him to bed? Why didn't I take them inside? My baby needed me, and I wasn't there. I wanted to take a stupid shower. Then later on, you should have put him to bed. You should have taken them inside. You should have scheduled swim lessons sooner. This is all your fault. You didn't protect him. And I think these thoughts, especially when there's an accident, they can just spiral.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Amber Emily Smith]

You know, as a busy mom, you don't get a lot of time to yourself. And so it was nice, you know, he was home and. And he was with all the kids. So I thought, I'm gonna go take a shower. I was tired. It had been a long day. And so I welcomed that short break. And so, of course, as a mother, if something. Some sort of tragedy strikes, you're gonna go through the what ifs. Why didn't I do this? Why? You know, I should have been there. I should. I shouldn't have been concerned with myself. I should have just taking care of my children. You know, I should have. Should have done this, should have done that. And not only are you relentless in doing that to yourself, but, you know, with us being in the public eye, people were so critical and. And harsh on us. So you hear. You hear the outside world telling you that you're a failure, and then the enemy is telling you that you failed in the one job that you had to take care of your child. So it's like this cycle of, I think, in our. In our humanity, we always try to figure it out, well, what if I would have done this? We think we have the power, that we could have changed it. And so we just replay this loop of questions of, I should have done this, I should have done that. And so that was really, really difficult in my grief journey and Even still today, even still now that I know that God is good and that he is sovereign and every one of rivers days were numbered, naturally, because I'm fleshly and fallen, I still will say, well, think about, well, maybe we could have waited longer or we could have prayed harder or, you know, you just do that to yourself. And I try to write in the book, don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to yourself, because that's what the enemy wants, is for you to doubt yourself, to doub the goodness of God, and to stay stuck in a place of pain and grief and questioning.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah, yeah. And it was a situation where Granger had even asked you, like, can you take the boys in? You know, but you're just like, it's so normal to go take a shower. Yeah. Like, it's so normal for them to go run around outside for a little bit before bed. You do talk in the book, and you have resources in the back about water safety for children. We talk about a lot about getting kids outside. And so this is something that comes up quite a bit. Right. You're around water, especially in the warmer months. It's like, whether that's a pool or you're at a lake or something like that. Can you talk about now for Maverick, your younger one? You did isr, which is infant, I can never remember it stands for, but, like, I mean, they're tossing the babies in the pool when they're pretty young. And the babies.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I've seen videos, right.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

They're in their clothes. They're learning how to flip over and float and yell for help. Can you talk to parents just about maybe what they. What would be helpful for them to know about?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah, I think, you know, we. We live in a world where all of our kids are on, like, devices right now, and we want to get our kids back outsides, but there's dangers, you know, out there. And I think that's what a lot of parents are afraid of, is we've. We've gotten scared of the outside world and brought them into the inside world, which is even scarier. Anyway, that's a whole nother podcast. But, you know, we. We learned that drowning is the leading cause of death for children one to four, which we had no idea we had the number one killer in our own backyard. Even though we put up a big gate right when we moved in, we had a lock. We thought we were doing everything right.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

The leading cause.

[Amber Emily Smith]

The leading cause. Yeah. The leading cause. For one, unintentional death. Yeah. For one to four. And then the next age is 15 to 19, like you mentioned at. At lakes, because boating and, you know, kids, they're teenagers, they don't want to wear a life jacket. They think they can race each other. And so that's the next age gap there for drowning. And we just didn't know that. It happened so fast and so silent. I mean, my husband and my kids were outside, and nobody heard or saw a thing. There was no splash, no scream, no struggle. He just quietly slipped below the water and nobody saw a thing. And it, you know, drowning can happen in as little as 10 seconds. You lose consciousness, and then there's no brain activity. And so, you know, we learned that we should not have been using puddle jumpers, you know, the little floaties that go around their. And their arms. Because while I thought I was keeping him safe, I was actually putting my children in the drowning position, the vertical drowning position in that puddle jumper. So it gives them muscle memory. So where if they get back in the water, if they accidentally make their way to back to water, they think they can swim and they go straight down to the bottom. And so we did. We didn't know that there was ISR classes, Infant Swim Rescue, and it's been around for 50 years, and I had never heard of it. And, you know, so I knew whenever river passed and we were going to have another baby, that I would have to put Maverick in swim survival classes, which was scary to me. I mean, I lost a son to drowning, and then I have to now go put my other son in these classes and face water again. It was so empowering and also really, really sad that I didn't know about these classes for river. But with Maverick, I watched him at 8 months old roll over and find the air, and he was able to float and fall off the side and roll over and get the air. And so I think, well, again, the what ifs. If river would have had this, could he survived. But now Maverick has the skills he needs, and now he jumps in, swims across the pool. He's never worn a floaty in his life. Um, so we just really speak out about water safety and the things that we didn't know.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Is that wild at eight months? So it. It really is starting to protect them, basically, as soon as they can move. Yeah, yeah.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Because they're mobile very quickly.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. At eight months, you can crawl. And so if at eight months you'd be able to write yourself in the water even with your clothes on. I mean, I've seen kids that are they, you know, that's what they do. They'll, they're going in in their snowsuit, you know, or whatever. They're full, they're full gear and they know how to flip themselves over and, and get kick or yell or crawl out and get to the side. Eight months.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah, eight months.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Amber, that's like such a little baby. It is, it is remarkable. Yeah. So such an important thing to let people know about. But I do think that those classes are kind of hard to watch. Yeah.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Well, I think you also see the ones where I remember one going around where this lady literally threw the baby in the pool. And that is not what ISR does. They don't throw the babies in the pool. They, they mimic what would happen if a baby crawled in or if a baby step, you know, slipped off the side or. And then, you know, drowning happens. 6. I think it's 60, 60 to 70% during non swim times. So kids are in their snowsuits, they are in their PJs, they are in their clothes. They're not in their swimsuits. So those classes are just. If river would have had that, my husband was outside, he could have rolled over and yelled for daddy, but he didn't, you know, so it's just another layer of protection that you need, which we've learned. You'd need multiple layers, you need gates, you need locks, you need, you need alarms, you need to learn that cpr. You need swim survival classes. You need so many barriers because one barrier, as was our case, failed the gate.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah, yeah. Like sometimes if it just doesn't totally latch or whatever happens.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah.

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[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

And I would lifeguard at this pool that had a deep end. So you would like, you would jump in off the diving board and it was surprising. First of all, it's surprising how many adults would jump in to a deep end of a pool and they didn't know how to swim. You're like, you're like 30. You know what's happening here? Like, did, did you know? Did you not know? But sometimes they would just go under and like they would jump in and they would never resurface. And then they would. It would almost look like they were like trying to climb a ladder in the water. Like that's what it looked like. And so to your point, it's not this loud splashing. You can hear it like for that type of person. Like they went in and they never resurfaced and you would not hear anything. It's completely silent. So there's a lot of resources in your book about that. Tell us about River.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Oh my goodness. I was just watching videos of him last night. You know the memories pop up on your iPhone. And he just had the most unique, sweet little voice. I just. There's no other child that had his voice. He had these deep, dark chocolate eyes that always seemed like he knew something that you didn't. He was always wanted to go fast. Nothing was fast enough for him. He always wanted to climb higher, go faster. And I was just saying, like, we have our son Maverick now, but it seems like river was past him in like, like he had an old soul or something. I don't know. It was like he knew that his life was going to be short. He tried to get in everything that he could fast. He was always laughing, always dancing. The little comedian who would come kind of come in and break up the fights of London and Lincoln and just the sweetest little boy. And he loved being outside and he loved adventure and he loved dirt. And he was just a joy, you know, in our. In our lives. And when we lost him, it was like, you know, a light. A light went out in our family. And I'll miss him every day until I get to see him again.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah, you did say you're like, we're this many years closer. Yeah, you know, we're this many years closer to seeing him again. I think, you know, when you consider child loss, I. I just read this book that was talking about how, like, when a baby is born, you just, like, you have no idea who they're going to be. Like, who is. And, and that I would imagine must be one of the hardest parts, which is like, who would he be? Yeah, who would he be at 8? Who. What would that voice sound like at 9? You know, how fast would be going at 10? Can you talk about this sort of initial grief period and you talk about, like, joining grief share and, and really kind of connecting with different people who helped a lot. Can you talk about being in a situation that you never want to be in ever, but finding different resources and people to help you along the way?

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Amber Emily Smith]

As you can imagine, you know, any. Any kind of trauma or loss or grief is really, really difficult and it's really messy. But the one thing I did know was that I still had a husband and I still had two other children who needed me. And so as. As deep of a darkness and pain that I was in, I knew I couldn't stay stuck in that place because life was going to keep continuing. And I. I didn't want my children to. My other two children to be traumatized more than they already were. So I fought against everything in me to stay in my bed all day, to cry all day, to do. You know, I. I made my. Myself get dressed. I made myself try to be a good mom. And with that came trying to heal. And so I read every book on hope in heaven that I could find. I did join a grief share group, which was helpful to be able to look other people in the eye who truly did know what you were going through, you know, because other people will say, you know, I can imagine that's so hard. But when you talk to another mother who lost a child, like, they know, they understand. And so that, that gave me the tools to have A little community. And I made myself go to church. I made my. I made myself seek the Lord. And I had heard that he was close to the brokenhearted. So when my heart broke, I ran to him. And through that wrestling process, that grieving, that. That lamenting, I began to see who God was as he reveals himself to be in scripture. And that started my. My healing journey of slowly, the Lord healing my heart little by little, day by day, and allowing me not to stay isolated. Because what the enemy wants is for you to stay in your bed, to be angry, to fight with your husband, to be mad at your kids, to not want to go out in community, not want to go to church. And. And I'm really glad that I. I didn't do that, because that's where he wants you, is to stay stuck.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. And you talk about. I mean, life just moves on. And I've always thought about that, like at funerals, and you're like, people are in their. The depths of their grief, and then, you know, everybody else goes back to work the next day. Everybody else goes to the birthday party. Everybody else. And you also have to go grocery shopping and you have to make meals and you have to do the laundry, and you have to put one foot in front of the other. And so you do talk so much in this book about your faith and how your faith helps. I do love that verse. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. And there are times in life where you are just crushed in spirit and God promises to save you. So you did end up starting your own podcast, Arise with Amber. Can you talk about that?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Amber Emily Smith]

So that started before we lost River.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

I would.

[Amber Emily Smith]

I would go in my closet and. And like, kind of take a moment to be, you know, to have five seconds to breathe. And when we lost river, that's where I went and I. We had a YouTube channel called the Smiths. And so that's where I would go in my closet and I would cry and I would talk about what I was feeling and how my grief was going and how my faith journey was going. And. And people said you should start your own channel or you should start a podcast. So that's when that switched over to Arise with Amber. And that was where I was a brand new believer. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know my way around the Bible. I was just a grieving mom trying to cling to any sort of light and hope that I could find and also try to be transparent with others. Who might be going through pain and suffering. So what began as me sharing like a little devotional turned into me preparing like 10 minute or 10 page manuscripts and messages about the goodness of God and what I was learning and grief and love and parenting and joy. And it really became this, became this little small group that we had on this little corner of the Internet where we, we learned and grew together. And it was a really sweet, sweet space.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

So one of the things that you talk about is that all of a sudden what seemed important no longer seems important. So you're talking about it in terms of conversations. So you say everyday conversation felt intolerable at times. People would complain about things that now seem so trivial and stupid, and I'd have to fight the urge to scream it wasn't their fault. They hadn't experienced the kind of trauma I had. But it was hard to reenter the world after everything that had happened and talk about petty, superficial things. You talked about the same thing about, like television shows. Can you talk about this perspective shift? You do talk in the book then, about how much time are we spending on these 6 inch devices in our hands? There's a perspective shift here.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah, you know, it. We think we know a lot, you know, what is important in life, and we do. But ultimately, you know, trauma and tragedy really pull the veil off your eyes and really make you realize what am I spending my time on? What am I doing with my life? What am I allowing to infiltrate my mind? And I just, Yeah, I used to watch silly reality TV shows and, and you know, it's fine to relax, but I just realized that's just, just, it was just trash and it was doing nothing for me to learn or grow. And, you know, when I lost my son, it's like all the color went out of the world. Like nothing was. Nothing was. I hated the mundane, like laundry and dishes. I hated doing all of those things. I, I didn't watch TV for years just because I just had no desire to. And conversations were hard because, you know, like I said, it's not their fault. But people are talking about silly things that, like, like somebody, somebody I don't know. I can't even think of examples right now, but things that, when I, that.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Didn'T compare, I got stuck in traffic, you know, and even bigger things got in an accident. Like even bigger things that you're like, in perspective. Those are really small things.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah, so small. And it was really hard for me. And I'm just. Meanwhile, the loop of, of the visions that I was seeing was Playing in my mind over and over of my child on the concrete and CPR and all the things. And I just. It was really hard. It is really hard to try to go back to life as normal when your life is not normal anymore. Your life is shattered. Your life is a mess. And so that opened up my eyes too, to how I probably was to other people who had been suffering and I was probably talking about dumb things that didn't matter. And so really opens up your eyes to compassion for others and what they might be going through and just really thinking about what you're, what you're saying and what you're watching and what you're doing. And does it matter in light of eternity?

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. What you're spending your time on. You see, how much time do we spend staring at these six, these little six inch devices in our hand? These phones easily become idols, eating up hours in the day that could be spent in God's word. It could be spent with so many other things, spending time with the people that we love. We find ourselves constantly seeking validation through likes, comments and followers. And we start to base our self worth on how we're perceived by others. Online, we scroll endlessly, filling our minds and with things that distract us from the one who truly deserves our devotion. Tomorrow isn't promised. We're meant to live fully and appreciate our time together. So you have this total perspective shift. One of the things that you talked about, which I thought was such an important concept, is when you want your life to be the way that it was. And I think the things that we were talking about earlier, like there's things that matter for five minutes or five weeks or five months, but eventually your life does sort of get back to normal. Like you lose your job, you know, there could be really big things, you lose your home even. But you know, at some point, life can get back to the way it was. But in this case, life is never going to go back to the way that it was. You say, I tried to get back to being the mom and woman I was, but that girl no longer existed. She died that day by the pool on June 4th. Can you talk about having to adjust to a way of life that's never going to get back to the way it was.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Amber Emily Smith]

You know, I think people always say, you know, how am I ever gonna move on from this? And what I've learned is you're never gonna move on. You're all. You learn how to carry this grief. It just becomes a part of you. And you learn that you're not the same person. It was like, you know, Amber then and Amber now. Like, I am not the woman that I was. Amber 1.0 and Amber 2.0. But I've learned, you know, six years, almost seven years now down the road that that's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. And especially in. In my case, the Lord used that breaking of my heart to bring me to saving faith in him. And there's a. There's a quote by C T Stud, and it says, only one life will soon be passed. Only what's done for Christ will last. And so that just really, I am a different woman now than I was before I lost my son. And. And you just learn how to walk with this lift. Limp of life will never be the same. But that doesn't mean that it's worse. It doesn't. And I try to tell people in the book, like that bathroom floor moment, that loss, that divorce, that heartbreak, whatever it is that you're facing is not the end of your story. And it can be the beginning of something really, really beautiful. And I will say now on this side, I have more joy than I've ever had. Deeper joy, true joy, true peace that I didn't have before. I had a good, happy life. I mean, I had a good marriage. I had healthy kids. My husband was a touring musician. And we were happy, but we were doing nothing for the kingdom of God. We were very much living for ourselves and for the world. And God used this to transform us for him. So much so to where now my husband is a pastor. He's no longer doing music. I mean, he flipped our lives upside down. And it's been amazing to watch. Really hard, obviously, to. To walk through and wrestle with. But. But I. I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't. I wouldn't go back and change it because too much good has happened. And now I truly know who the Lord is. And I know that I'll see River again someday.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah, he saves those who are crushed in spirit. Yeah. So you talk about how you're a different person. The woman that you were is. Is no longer. And you also talk then about Granger and how you learned three and a half years later, after river drowned, that Granger had tried to take his life in that process and he didn't tell. And so you do talk in this book about bereaved parents, and especially fathers, are at a significantly higher risk of suicide after the loss of a child, which I didn't. I didn't know that. I mean, it does make sense, but it was. I think that's an important thing to read. Can you talk about some of his experience and what a dad should know?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah. You know, I think it. I think for men, they want to be the strong one. They want to. They want to be the rock for the family. They want to try to hold everything together so they don't grieve as openly, maybe, as. As women. Some women do. And so I don't think he ever fully processed his grief or allowed himself to grieve. He went back to work very quickly.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

He.

[Amber Emily Smith]

He did all the things that he thought he could do to help himself, but none of those things were helping. None of those things were truly healing, you know, the hole that he had in his heart. And I would say, I hope for men, you know, they. That they realize that it is that you need to grieve. You need to. You know, whether it's going to counseling or therapy or talking with your wife or whoever, a pastor, you need to lament and grieve because that grief will eat away at your bones. It'll eat away at the inside of you if you don't allow yourself to process it and let it out. And I think that's why it leads more to. To suicides and things like that, because they don't fully process what they're feeling. So that's a scary thing.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

It's interesting, too, because, like, you talked about how well, and I would imagine this is true for a lot of men, and obviously painting with a broad brush, because there are women that obviously, women work too. Like, in his particular case, you're like, okay, well, he's a. He's the touring musician. He's the main act. So if he stops working, there's 12 people that are employed that are dependent on him continuing to work. And that could be the case for a lot of people where it's not even just that, like, you're throwing yourself back into it to be distracted. It's a. In some ways, it's a necessity. Like, you have to go work. You're gonna have to keep making money, and you have this company where people are dependent on you. And so, I mean, it's so hard. It's so hard that the world just moves on. And you're like, what the heck? You know? And you talked about how, like, these feelings just ambush you out of nowhere. Like, you see the yogurt that river really liked. And, I mean, it's just, like, these random things. The flowers he liked. And it. And everyone else is Just kind of moving forward and, and in some ways you have to. You know, your kids would go back to school and you go back to work and so it's just such a helpful book. The book is called the Girl on the Bathroom Floor. Held Together When Everything is Falling Apart. You talked about your faith, your faith, the. Your faith is stronger. Granger gave up touring and enrolled in seminary.

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[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

You talked about your mother in law, Debbie.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

And how she had a strong faith that you noticed long before yours had grown to where it is today. You say she truly loved the Lord and it showed. And isn't that what we would want someone to say about us? You know, like, oh gosh, you know, you're someday like your daughter in law maybe no, doesn't have a strong faith but like for them to write in a book about you, like she truly had loved the Lord and it showed. What was it about Debbie that portrayed that?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah, you know I, I do write in the book that I was intimidated by her at first because she did have such a strong faith and I was still, you know, such a sinner that I just thought, oh my gosh, I'll never, I'LL never measure up to what she's looking for for her son. And. But she was never condescending. She was just. She would always just speak. It makes me cry. She would always just speak about the Lord in conversation, and if there was something wrong, she's like, well, the Bible says this about this. And she just. She would cry when she talked about Jesus. Jesus. And she could just tell. She just truly loved. She loved God. And I've always said, you know, I think she gets prettier every year. I think she's 69 now. She. She gets prettier every year because it's the light of Christ in her. And, you know, the Bible says those who look to him are radiant. And she's radiant. And she really just helped to. To plant seeds for me in my own faith. That made me. Like you said, I want to know what that is. I want to. I want to know this Jesus. I want to. I want to know who she trusts and believes and loves and why she feels the way that she does and why she seems to have peace in a situation when other people don't. So she was just a very much a catalyst in my faith. And she doesn't even really. I mean, she knows it, but I don't know that she truly knows how much. How much she did for me in my own walk, in my own journey.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

With the Lord, through her own living. Well, what's interesting in the thing that I hadn't considered was that when river died, and this is so such a sudden, right? You talk about, like, well, 72 hours ago, we were, like, having breakfast and doing the ABCs. So you're like, this is such a sudden thing of how much it affects everyone else in the family. She talked about breaking the news to the rest of the family, and your brother was in prison at the time. And you're having to say to your family, please don't be mad at us. I'm so sorry. And, you know, we have our broken hearts and we failed to keep him safe, and this is a terrible tragedy, and we're so sorry. And so you. You can see how, like, when you don't know what's going to come in life, it's very helpful if you're a matriarch of a family like Debbie, to be a person who has strong faith.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

So I. I loved. I love that you wrote about her. And I felt like it was such an inspiration and. And I hadn't thought about. And then you talked about your brother, like he was able to turn his life around and just seeing so much life change in your story. Can you talk about this is obviously, it's a very personal book. You go through everything that happens and you go through the depths of grief. You also talk then about getting a vasectomy or making long term decisions about your fertility. That was really interesting and good advice. I mean, I think you say this is like, strong advice. This is strong advice, Amber. Like, I'm like, but it's good. I think it's good to say the things that you've learned because then other people will at least consider it.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

And.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

And so often we just don't consider. We just, like, do what everyone else does. Or it's like, okay, we have our, you know, we have our three children, and so we're gonna do these things. And you said, I wouldn't recommend tubal ligation or a vasectomy to anyone. Good on you, Amber.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Good.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Can you talk about how, like, what you go on to say is, life is unpredictable? Yeah.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah. I think, you know, we wrestled with, with going through the IVF process because we thought, you know, how can we play. Play the Lord in a situation? But we kind of already did that by choosing to tie. I choose. Chose to tie my tubes after we had river, because we had our plan. We were going to have three kids. Kids. Life was going to go this way. This is what we were going to do. Everything was for us. Me, me, me. This is my plan, what I want. And life just doesn't go that way. You know, we can make all the plans in the world, but the Lord directs our steps. And so that's right. The Lord can work through those situations, obviously, and work through our sinful choices and decisions, but you never know what's going to happen. And, you know, I didn't know that we were going to lose a child, so if I would have known that we were going to lose a child, I wouldn't have tied my tubes. So I just, I wouldn't recommend. I wouldn't counsel a friend in that way. You know, I would say there's other things you can do to prevent, but I wouldn't do that because you just never know how your life's gonna go. And yeah, that. That. Because we did that, that caused a whole bunch of other things that we had to go through in order to try to have another child. So, yeah, I just, I just wrote that. I wouldn't recommend that.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah.

[Amber Emily Smith]

For other people.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah, I think that's good. I mean, good for you for saying this. The strong, hard things, things you Say life is unpredictable and despite our best laid plans, we have no idea what will happen. So then you go through this ivf and then this is more grief because you're having a miscarriage in an rv. Yeah, visit. This is a hard road. You're like, trying to, like, build a home on a piece of land and you're like, staying in this RV on your land while that's all happening. You have this miscarriage in the rv and I would love for you to talk through this. Has been a lot of grief and ups and downs in your family. How have you guided your children through it?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah, you know, we. We did. We had a miscarriage after a year, after we. Well, a little bit longer after. After we buried River. But I had come so far in that year or the 14 months in my. In my grief that I fully trusted the Lord with this new pain. And I knew that he had walked me through the loss of my son, that he would walk me through this pain as well. And I. I just fully resolved to trust God in whatever situation. So that is one of the ways that we've walk children through this is we have always said, no matter what happens in this life, with our eyes on Christ, we can make it through anything together. And we did the practical things. We put them in play therapy. You know, we did, like, the worldly things to try to help them through their grief process. Read books with them, talked with them, prayed with them, cried with them. We allowed them to see our own grief too. You know, I. I think some parents try to stuff it all away and don't ever cry or don't ever let you say the child's name or lock the door. Door. And we just didn't do that. We allowed them to see us cry. We talked to them about how the world is broken and painful and hard and, you know, mommy's really sad today. I really miss river today, but I'm gonna be okay. And we just. We just talked to them and told them that any emotion that they feel is okay. So they were in play therapy for about eight months, and we still allowed them to play with River's toys and talk about them all the time and kept his photos up. And I can't say what the right thing to do is, but that's what we did in our family and that's what. What worked for us. And by the grace of God, they are resilient and joyful and. And don't seem to have lasting trauma. You know, they're still occasionally sad. Like London said, she Cried the other day. But they're. They're happy, they're joyful, They're. They're not bogged down by. By trauma and depression and things like that. And so I can only say that that's just by the grace of God, and that's how we. We allowed them and helped them process their own pain.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. Yeah. I think that, you know, there's a lot of. There's a lot of good information out in this day and age. Like, I read a book by a man. Well, now I can't even remember what his name is, but he was talking. He, like, works with. I'm gonna look it up. His name is Dr. Bruce Perry. So I had a conversation with him, and he, like, works with kids who have gone through trauma, all different kinds of trauma. Trauma, you know, and there's just so much good information out there. And he's a really big advocate for play therapy and those types of things. So good for you. And those are things that you can pass on to other families. There was a dream. This is, like, quite the story. So, you know, you say, I wouldn't recommend tubal ligation or vasectomy. And then you're going through IVF and you're hoping to have another baby. People are criticizing. It is so interesting, the responses of people. You talk about that a lot in the book. Like, people's response to you when river passed away. People's response to you when you are trying to have another baby, when you do have another baby. People's response, even to your own kids who, you know, who are mean. You know, they're little kids at school that are like, well, if you don't play what I want to play, I'm going to talk about your brother. And it's going to make you sad, you know, so not only are you having to deal with your own grief, but you're just also having to deal with the, you know, the surrounding opinions and nastiness of people. But you are going through this process, and there's a dream. Tell us. I mean, this is quite a remarkable story.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah, so we. We didn't tell the kids that we were trying to have another baby. We didn't. They had no idea that we were going. Going through this process, us. And my son Lincoln came in. I think it was in April. I have it on my phone. He came in one morning. You know, his hair's all messy, super tired. He's rubbing his eyes, and he said, mommy, I had a dream about River. And I was just like, oh, you know, I. I pray to dream about river all the time. And so I got so excited that he got to see his brother. And I said, well, what. What was it? What did y' all do? And he said that, you know, he told me the whole dream, like they played together and he told me exactly what he was wearing. And. But then he said at the very end, he said, said, and then in the dream, river told me that you were going to have another baby. We were going to have a baby brother. It was a boy. We're going to have a baby brother. But we didn't know it yet, but it's a baby boy. And I just, I was so shocked that I ran and got my phone and recorded it. I. I went out to Granger and I said, bubby, I said, tell daddy what you. What your dream was about. So I recorded it and I have it. I think it was five. And he had this whole long, drawn out dream, every detail. And Granger and I were just shocked of, okay, is this really going to happen? Are we really going to. Is God really going to give us another baby boy? So when we had the miscarriage, we were so confused because we thought, you know, no, we. We believed that this was going to happen. And, and we did. We had another baby and it was a boy. And river was in the dream with Lincoln and told him about it. And you just can't explain things like that. People. People will say, oh, this is a coincidence. But I don't believe in coincidences. I believe in the power of the Lord and that there are no accidents or coincidences with, with God. And so that was a really sweet thing that we've held on to that Lincoln got to have that from Riv.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Oh, can I read it?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Because you say you ha. You had actually recorded it. So this is verbatim from the voice recording. He told us about heaven. He said he had fun with Sue, a giant T. Rex we had seen at a museum recently. He said Jesus was fun.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

And the third part was in my dream Mama, he was having a baby. And the third part was in my dream Mama was having a baby, but we didn't know it yet. And river was playing with our baby brother. It was a boy. But he told us that. And then we knew this is, you know, this is like a little five year old talking. And then he said, did you see me by the pool? And he woke up from cpr. And then we moved back to the old house and then we swam for a wittle bit and then we went to Go feed Murray the sweet goat next door, because that was his favorite thing. And then I was sad when I woke up.

[Narrator]

Up.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. Lee Strobel wrote a book last year called Seeing the Supernatural is a phenomenal book about dreams and angels and all the things that we often don't talk about in the faith world but are such real things. You know, God uses dreams. And what a story. What a story for Lincoln to have that and. And for your whole family.

[Amber Emily Smith]

And I love that. I love that they swam. I mean, that was the way that river passed and they swam together. You know, it's just sweet little things. And I know there. You know, there's. It's kind of split. Some people believe that the Lord still speaks through dreams, and other people believe that those have stopped. But you just can't explain things like that. I mean, there are just things that happen. And I just truly believe that the Lord still can come to us, you know, via our dreams. I think he could do whatever he wants.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yes, absolutely. And for our children, for our children. It wasn't your dream. Even though you're praying for the dream. It's Lincoln's dream.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

That's his experience. And what a precious experience for him to have that little insight that there's going to be a baby brother before anyone else. He's the one who got that. Oh, you talk a lot about how river loved to play outside. And I, you know, obviously we're. You know, that's kind of what we're doing here, just like, trying to get kids outside, trying to have less time on screens. And I talked to this woman named Aaron Lynem this past year, and she was talking about how, you know, you. You said at the beginning, you're like, oh, this video just came up of River. And, you know, there was a day and age where people didn't have that. Like, they didn't have videos and they didn't have pictures, and what they had was, like, seasonality, and they had sensory experiences from. From God's creation. And so I'd love that you talk about this. Like, you. You would say that, you know, when you go see certain flowers or the little wishers, like the dandelions, that they remind you of him. And you talk about how spring is one of your favorite times in the year. And so I decided that was a good reminder. You know, you never know what's gonna happen, and that all these beautiful sensory experiences can help remind you of your loved ones. People talk about that in all sorts of senses. Like, they'll be like, the hollyhocks remind me of my grandmother. Those are beautiful things that God did. And I never really considered it until this Aaron told me, like, it's like God's memory box. Like Facebook gives us a memory thing, right? Like memory hop or whatever it's called. But like God did it too. Yeah.

[Amber Emily Smith]

And that happens with all kinds of things. You know, outdoor nature and smells and sights and, and birds and his creation, like you said, it's this beautiful creation that he speaks through and, and it's so sensory for us.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah, yeah. It's the way that he. He allows us to bring back different memories. Okay, can you talk about Grangers? This is like a, a 180 shift here. But I thought this was so interesting. He does a yearly 100 mile walk. What is that?

[Amber Emily Smith]

No, he, he hasn't done that in a while. But he, he walked for. Every year for five years, he walked 100 miles to show support of our men and women in uniform. And so he would walk in combat boots from Austin to Fort Hood. And it. Some people would join us on the road. You know, there was old Navy SEALs that would join us and it would. Just to raise awareness for our men and women who, you know, fought and, and ultimately some of them gave their lives for us and for our freedoms. And we've just always really loved supporting law enforcement and men and women in uniform and what they do for us and how we get to live free because of, of them ultimately, obviously because of Christ, but because of them and the work that they do.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. Yeah. What a cool thing. So you talked about that in the book in the Girl on the Bathroom Floor. You also talk about the fund that you started, the River Kelly Fund. Can you talk to us about that?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah. So we started very early on, maybe a week when we left the hospital. My brother in law created a shirt because we have an apparel company and he created a shirt with a big excavator on it. It was River's favorite tractor. And we just, we didn't know what we were going to do ultimately, but we raised money and ultimately gave it back to Dell Children's Hospital. And that was the start of seeing like a little bit of a light in a dark time that we can bring good from this. This isn't all for nothing. We can do things in memory of river and support other people and spread joy and love. And so I created the River Kelly Foundation. And we've given back to so many different organizations all across the globe. And it's given back me purpose through my pain. And I would. I would say that to anybody. If you're grieving, when the time is right, aim to do something for somebody else and in honor of. Of your loved one, because it does. It truly does bring joy through a dark time, that you're able to help other people through your pain.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. So people can check that out. I'll make sure I put the links in the show notes. You also did organ donation, and you had this wonderful line in here about how the woman that had. She had poly. Polycystic kidney disease. Trying to find it here in my notes, Amber. But you had said Maverick got to meet her, and you said something like, this is the closest he'll ever be physically to his little brother. To his. To his big brother. Yeah.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah. That was such a. Another blessing in the breaking that I write about in the book is that, you know, this woman, Elda, she was on. She had kidney disease for 35 years, and she was tethered to a machine for eight to ten hours a day for. For the last three years. And I. I always found it interesting that Rivers. Three full years of his life when he just lived outdoors, hair flying back, riding his go kart, playing in the dirt. All he knew was love and joy and ice cream and all the fun things. And she stuck to a machine eight to 10 hours a day, probably questioning, where are you, Lord? Why are you letting me see suffer? And I write in the book that, you know, I could almost hear the Lord whispering to her, hold on, daughter. I'm raising up a little boy who will help heal you. And so he was able to give her his right to kidney. And now she lives a beautiful life, and she was given a second chance at life because of River's little life. So that was just another. Another blessing in the breaking of my heart, which is what I write in the book.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. And you don't always necessarily meet the people.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

But in this case, you were able to. And then she was able to meet Maverick. So that's such a full circle moment for your family. And I loved how you wrote about it. I can't find it in my notes anywhere. But I. I remember it because it was so striking that, you know, now that they're sort of close together, that.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah, that's the closest that he would be to a piece of his big brother.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

And she was holding his brother. Yeah. Yeah. And that she was an older woman. You know, you don't really picture that. You're like, this is a small child, but some of his organs went to people that were in their 40s and 50s.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah. Yeah. I think, you know, that's another way that the Lord surprises you, is you think, one thing I thought his organs would go to children and babies, and we would be helping another family take their baby home because we couldn't. And they went to adults.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

And so.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Which is still a miracle and a blessing, but it's not the way they thought it would. Would have been.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah, yeah. Someone's mother, you know, that has her own children. Okay, let's. Let's just hit one last topic, which is about the help from strangers and just the help from friends, too. Like the strangers. Kindness. Talked about this prayer journal from Naomi, who then became your friend. But you say during a time of loss, decisions can be hard to make, yet you are forced to make so many all at once. Write an obituary. Pick a funeral home and a burial plot. Choose burial clothes. Pick songs. Still in a state of shock and you're struggling to make even the smallest choices is you say, thankfully, my sweet friend stepped in. They helped with the older children. They helped with the funeral arrangements, help with the food. They even shopped for your funeral dress. You say this quote from John Piper, God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you are aware of about three of them. To talk about that perspective change there.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah, you never see all. All the things that the Lord is doing. And I would say during that. That month after we lost River, I was in such a state of shock. I don't. I. I still don't even probably know all the things that people did for us just because I just wasn't there. I just wasn't myself. But we had such wonderful friends and family come in and just. Just take care of things that. That needed to be done. I had one friend that showed up at my house every day for a month just to sit with me. And I think that's often. Sometimes what we miss with people in grief is we always want to fix it. I always want to fix things. And. And you can't fix really hard things. You know, you can't fix a mother's lost over her child, but just the presence of being there, sitting with them, crying with them, praying with them. And other people were doing things behind the scenes. Like. Like I said, like the Lord was doing things in our pain and in our grief. He was causing a woman to write for 30 days a prayer journal for a stranger. She had no idea who I was, but she poured over these pages, these beautiful prayers, and it's like the Lord was working in her in her heart to comfort me. And now I have a best friend through that that I wouldn't have had if I hadn't lost my son. And so God is always working and weaving lives together, even through the most painful valleys.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. Yeah. 10,000 things in your life, and you are aware about of about three. Three of them. How about dealing with the comparison? Because other people have tragedies and their kids do recover.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah, I struggled with that, really. I would. I would search stories of kids drowning, and I would, like, follow their updates, and did they open up their eyes or did they get to go home? And. And that was really difficult because some of them did. Some of them got to go home and got to be with their family again. And so I wrestled with, well, Lord, why couldn't we? Why, why? Why did they get to go home and our son didn't? But as I write in the book, comparison is a thief of your joy, and it will keep you stuck in a cycle of bitterness. And so truly, what helped me was. Was, as I said in the beginning, getting to know the God of scripture and getting to know the God of the Bible and trusting in his word because he is for you. I was just reading in the Psalms this morning that God is for you. He is for you. No matter what you're going through, no matter what season, you can know if you know him, that he is for you and that nothing slips out of his hands. And that that wasn't my path, that it wasn't meant for river to come home because if he was still supposed to be here, he would be. Because the Bible says every single one of our days are numbered before the foundation. And so coming to trust in that has really helped me in my healing and grief process in and allowed me to not compare my story to someone else's anymore.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Yeah. What a book, Amber. What a book. You really laid it all out in there, you know, the lowest of lows and your faith and a lot of low lows and dealing with child loss and dealing with how to keep your marriage together through all of it. It's a wonderful book.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Thank you.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

It's a wonderful book.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Thank you.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Very brave of you to write it and very important that it's out there. The book is called the Girl on the Bathroom Floor. Held Together When Everything is Falling Apart.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

You have a lot that you offer.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Your husband's got a book. He's got a podcast. Can you tell people, like, what are the kind of main things if they want to find more?

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah. So I actually took a Break from Arise with Amber to write the book. Still working on bringing that back in a new capacity, but, yeah, my husband Granger, he had the Granger Smith podcast. He's just now shifted it. It's called 999 for. For the one. So nine, nine four podcast.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Oh, I love that, how he leaves the 99 for the one.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

That is so creative. He's creative.

[Amber Emily Smith]

He's very creative.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

You said he came up with the book title.

[Amber Emily Smith]

He did. He gave me the book title.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

9941.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

I love that.

[Amber Emily Smith]

I know. It's so good. So, yeah. That he has that. He's now in seminary. You can find us on our socials at Amber. Emily Smith is my Instagram. That's usually where I connect with people. We still have our R. Smith channel, our YouTube channel, but we're. We're all over the place. Just. Just type in our. Our name and you'll find us.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

All right. Well, it's an honor to get a chance to talk with you. We always end our show with the same question. What's a favorite memory from your childhood?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

That was outside.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Oh, my goodness. I was just talking to the kids the other day. We would be gone. I know that I sound so old when I say this, but we would literally leave the house in the morning, come back when the sun was. Was going down. We would be. Right. Riding the bikes. We would be going through tunnels, like cement tunnels underground. It was just a joyful time. That's what I remember is always being outside, riding my bikes with my friends, roller skating outside. Those are. Those are super fun memories. I do remember going through a cement tunnel that we were a little afraid to go through. But we. That's what we did. We just explored. And it was so fun.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

So much freedom.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Yes.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

So much freedom. It makes for a good childhood, that's for sure. Amber, I so appreciate you. You sharing your story. Thank you for being here.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Thank you so much.

[Narrator]

Get outside open your eyes Feel that sunshine kissing your skin Throw your worries.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Out to the wind.

[Narrator]

Climb some trees Skin your knees Feel that grass on your feet again get out there and.

[Podcast Host (Ginny Erton)]

Take it in.

[Amber Emily Smith]

Oh.

[Narrator]

It'S a beautiful world Ain't nothing on the screen that's ever gonna beat this view oh, it's a beautiful world and I just want to share with I just want to share with you this beautiful world Such a beautiful world.