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The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast
1KHO 749: Kids Need Happy Mothers | Dr. Meg Meeker, The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers
00:57:36
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- [00:01]
Jenny Arch
If you're a parent, you know how hard it is to find drinks that are actually good for your kids and still taste good enough that they'll drink them. That's why we have been loving Cure Hydration. I always read the label before I let my kids have anything, and Cure checks every box. Their hydration packs for adults are plant based, have no added sugar, and only 25 calories. I use them in the mornings to jumpstart my water intake or when we're traveling, especially flights, because they just make staying hydrated easier. Lemonade is probably my favorite right now. It's clean, light, and never tastes artificial. And since it hydrates better than water alone, I actually feel the difference. The kids mixes have been a big shift in our house. My kids used to resist plain water, especially after being outside all day. Now they will happily drink Cure. It's formulated with pediatricians, free of artificial flavors and major allergens, and has no added sugars. We use it after sports, long outdoor days, or even when someone's feeling rundown. Staying hydrated isn't just about water. You also need electrolytes. That's why my family loves Cure. It's clean, tastes great, and my kids love it. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you@cure hydration.com outside. Real ingredients, real hydration, ready for the whole family. All right, welcome to the 1000 Hours Outside podcast. My name is Jenny Arch. I'm the founder of 1000 Hours Outside, and one of your favorite guests is back. We are coming in live from Michigan. That's right.
- [01:20]
Dr. Meg Meeker
That's right.
- [01:20]
Jenny Arch
Yeah. You're in the better spot. I'm not in quite a good spot. But both from Michigan, Dr. Meg Meager. Welcome back.
- [01:26]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Oh, thanks for having me, Jenny.
- [01:28]
Jenny Arch
You have got an incredible podcast called Parenting Great kids with over 300 episodes. You've got your online community, and people can find that@meeker parenting.com. we'll talk about that more throughout the episode. And also, just like book after book after book, I've got a small pile here and I've got some others in my other room as well. And so your influence is just. I mean, so many books plus a community, does it seem like parents need more help than ever?
- [01:55]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Yes, yes. It's very interesting because I'm comparing the difficulties I had raising our kids and the difficulties my kids are having raising my grandkids. And I was talking with my daughter. She said, mom, it feels like all I do is say, don't do this. No, no, no. And I realized and this is to older kids, not just 2 year olds or 3 year olds. There's so much more that parents have to contend with today that I didn't. For instance, they give their kid an iPad. Kid wants an iPad. Okay. Then they fight with a kid to get off it. They give their kid video games. Then they fight with their kid to get off it, the cell phone, that kind of thing. So it seems like there's so much more that their kids have an opportunity to interact with or have that parents just have to constantly say no and fight with their kids to pull them away. I find even with my grandkids, one of the first things I'll do is run in my house and grab my phone and. And go upstairs and hide with my phone. And they don't even have phones. So it's a struggle for parents. It really is. And that's why they just need a lot of encouragement.
- [03:09]
Jenny Arch
Yeah. And in your online community, people can ask you questions.
- [03:13]
Dr. Meg Meeker
That's right.
- [03:14]
Jenny Arch
They can say, what do I do when my grandkid comes over and tries to take my phone?
- [03:19]
Dr. Meg Meeker
I always say, you know, authors write books to figure out their own problems. And it's true. You know, sometime sometimes if I'm trying to figure something out, you sort of work it through in the book. But, you know, I've been practicing medicine for over 30 years and I just. About any question a parent or kid could ask, they've asked. So I always tell parents and kids, no question is off limits because if you ask it and you think it's a tough question, I've had tougher. So I think that's really important for parents to just get straight answers with sort of no nonsense. That's all, that's all medically based.
- [03:59]
Jenny Arch
Yeah. So I found you through John Acuff, who is a huge fan of yours. So many people are a huge fan of yours. Actually, just this morning I interviewed David Thomas and Sissy Goff. They have a new book coming out called Capable. Anyway, your name was sprinkled all the way throughout the book. Meg Meeker says this. Dr. Meg Meeker says this. It's so fantastic. So he really talked about John Acuff does, about the strong father, strong daughters. He's got two daughters and how much that impacted him. So you've got strong father, strong. These are just the ones I have sitting here. I have strong mothers, strong sons, hero being the strong father your children need. But today, and there's more than this, but today, we're going to be Talking about the 10 habits of healthy mothers. And I just think, gosh, this is such a wonderful reminder, a wonderful book, reclaiming our passion, purpose, insanity. Can you give the mothers a message of hope that they're worth a lot?
- [04:50]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Oh, absolutely. You know, first of all, I think the G word has got to go. Guilt. I don't know that I've met a mother in the past five years that doesn't feel guilty. And when I say, why do you feel so guilty? For instance, mothers will say, well, I really don't want my kid to have a cell phone, but I gave him one because everybody else has one. And now I feel guilty. I said, you know, get rid of the guilt thing. Because mothers feel no matter what, they just can't get it right. And that's one of the things biggest lies going. Guilt takes mothers down. That's something that younger mothers now feel. I didn't. I remember feeling guilty, but not that guilty. You know, I remember saying, you know, my kids aren't going to be on the ski team in the evenings because I'm going to stay home and do crafts with them. You know, I mean, that's the decision I made. I just wanted to do it. So I think that first and foremost, when mothers feel the voice in their head that's beating them up saying, why didn't you? You should. How could you? Why did you give your kids drive thru McDonald's? Let it go. Give yourself some grace. You know, you're probably doing a lot better job than you think you are. So just really, you got it. That battle in your mind is intense and it's just, it's all lies.
- [06:17]
Jenny Arch
Yeah. One of the things that you see because you're dealing with families and you're dealing with children is you see the way that kids look at their moms. And you talk about that in this book called the 10 Habits of of Happy Mothers. Yeah, can you talk about that part? You know, it's like we don't really see it. You don't see it. But, but from an outside perspective, you
- [06:39]
Dr. Meg Meeker
see, you know, one of the things that I'm trained in is watching and observing. And it's one of the reasons that the computer now in our medical office has really thrown me off because 90% of what I do is watch kids, their mothers. I watch how the kids talk to their mothers, interact with their mothers, how they're walking, how they're looking and so forth. And so I get to observe how kids look at their mothers, respond to their mothers and how mothers respond to their kids. And you can tell so much about the relationship just by watching it for 10 minutes. And what I find is this, that when kids look at their moms, they're aching for mom to say something positive to show that she's interested, to show that she even likes them, you know, likes being in the room. And not to freak anybody out, but I tell this to dads a lot. You know, kids get their identity, identity by reading cues from their parents. So when a parent walks in a room, if mom's in a really bad mood and she just had a fight with another kid and she comes in and she barks with, you know, her second kid, that second kid feels like, well, why does my mom not like me today? What did I do to make her upset? Kids take their parents very seriously. And so I often encourage mothers, you know, if you're in a bad mood and you bark at your kid, tell them that. Just say, you know what? I'm in a bad mood and I didn't mean to bark at you. I'm so sorry. Then move on. Your kids are the most forgiving people you'll ever meet in your life because they need you. And kids by and large adore their mothers. They try very hard to please their mothers. And most mothers don't believe me when I say that. I say they do because they need you. You know, most mothers primary attachment person, and kids need that attachment so much to feel secure that they feel they want to do anything they can to please their mothers. So just remember that your kids are looking at you with much greater favor than you think they are. They're not just trying to criticize you or take you down. If they have a temper tantrum, it's not about you. It's not because you're a bad mom. If your kid is getting argumentative with kids at school, it's not necessarily about you. Maybe your kid just has a really argumentative personality. But see, mothers blame themselves for everything. How can I get my 2 year old or 3 year old to stop having temper tantrums? You can't.
- [09:24]
Jenny Arch
Oh, I know, I know.
- [09:25]
Dr. Meg Meeker
But my friend's kids don't have. Yes, they do. You just don't see it. Let it go. It will pass. It's not about you.
- [09:35]
Jenny Arch
And if you blame yourself for everything, you're not going to be a happy mother.
- [09:39]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Oh, oh, oh. Well, that's where it all begins, is realizing what we're really responsible for and what we're not. And we're not responsible for a whole lot. And I've learned this, you know, talking to my kids now, as they're older and grown and looking back on things that I did. If you teach your kid to ski and he falls down, it's mom's fault. If the kid doesn't like his lunch, it's mom's fault. Even if it's a cafeteria lunch, everything is mom's fault. That's what our kids want us to believe. So don't believe them. They're just kids.
- [10:13]
Jenny Arch
Yeah. So this is 10 habits of happy Mothers. But you lay out this groundwork. And her books are always so compassionate. You just feel like, I can do this. You feel expanded, like breath has been breathed into you. And you say you are worth more than you imagine. You say you see kids in your practice. You see kids who love their mom. I see how your kids look at you, hang on to your knees and hold your hand. I see how you are needed, loved and cherished. We are valuable simply because we are our kids, Mom. And we are loved and needed to because of that. When a mother truly understands her value, she has more self confidence. So you talk about how moms are irreplaceable. Just the language over and over again. Meg, you are more precious than you know. When you walk into a room, your son changes immediately. He relaxes because you are there and life feels safe again. And then you say you're far too critical of the job you're doing. Can you talk about. And I know you write. People write books at all different times. So I don't know if you'll remember all the different people from this book because it is from 2011.
- [11:20]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Yeah, well. And also, you know, also I change names and I tweak the kids because I have to for liability standpoint. But. But you go ahead.
- [11:30]
Jenny Arch
Well, there was a mom. The format of this book is that you bring in real world stories. And so I'll bring up the mom's name, which is not actually her name, but the context of it was there was a mom that taught you about self value. You called her Julianne in the book. But you came in and she. It was almost shocking because everyone else is feeling guilty for everything and blaming themselves for everything. And this mother said, I like myself as a mom.
- [11:54]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Yes, yes. And I said, I wish you could tell everybody that. I think that it takes tremendous amount of courage to like yourself as a mother. It's terrifying to say I'm going to like myself as a mother. Because you even feel guilty for making that statement, which is ridiculous because we are taught. I mean, you know, you and I are Taught as professionals and women that our value comes from, you know, what kind of job we have, how many kids, our house. Are we divorced? Are we not divorced? Are we this, are we that? And it doesn't. As a mother. Our sense of value as a mom comes from the deep connection we have with our kids and just the fact that we love our kids and our kids love. It's so, so simple. But we won't allow ourselves to allow that value to be enough. We always have to add to it. Yeah, okay, I think I'm a pretty good mom, but I need to this and that. Why? Why do you need to. But you know, mothers who are full time at home mothers, I praise them up and down. You know what? You know how hard that is to be a full time at home mother? I was there for a while. My husband and I flip flopped our schedules. We. We work in a practice, medical practice together. And it, you know, it was being full time at home with four kids was much harder for me than going to work because going to work, it was mental and it was physical effort at home. It was mental, physical and emotional. I found that I would allow my kids to just take me down and feel like the wor. Mother because I blame myself for everything. So being willing to really look at ourselves in the mirror and say, I am valuable because I'm my kid's mom and I adore my kid and I have everything I need to be a great mom. I'm okay, period. Don't add to it. Don't add to it. And the kid will come at you and try to teach you, get you to not believe it. Well, you this and why you. That doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And so I really think we need to do some serious and hard pivoting to embrace ourselves and love ourselves as mothers. And, you know, women are women's biggest critics, which is, which is kind of weird. You know, I think that women, mothers in particular, are really competitive with one another. We don't say it, but we are, you know. Well, you know, Julia's kids are in two sports after school and my kids in one sport. Gee whiz. Maybe I'm. I need to go find something else for him to do. Why? Well, because, you know, my friend's kids are into. No, but we do that all the time. We feel like we're not being a good enough mom if we're not toeing the line that our friends are or if our, our all the. I hear this all the time. I need to give my 12 year old or 10 year old daughter a cell phone because all the kids in her have class have one. That's not true. Okay? That's a lie. And also because I don't want to feel like she's the outcast or I'm the outcast mom. I want to fit in with them. No, you don't. And so those are the kind of things we need to really have some self esteem and go, you know what? My instincts are telling what to do, what not to do. I'm going to listen to them.
- [15:33]
Jenny Arch
Yeah. You know this mom that you called Julianne in The book the 10 Habits of Happy Mothers, there was a part of it that just one sentence that really stuck out to me in particular because when you think about your own kids becoming parents, you're like, oh, I hope they enjoy it. You know, kids are delight. And it's, it's, it really overarchingly. Even though the day to day can be really stressful and we're dealing with all this guilt, like overarchingly. What a cool thing to be able to raise a kid, you know, so you think about your own kids and you hope that they will enjoy it. And here's what really stuck out to me about Julianne. So you say Julianne comes in, she has an aura of self confidence. She's not obnoxious, but she has a, you have the genuine, you get the genuine sense that she likes herself, she likes her life. And you said she, she doesn't say, oh, you know, my kids do these sports and reading groups and art or music lessons and they groan and you know, and they're exhausted. She would talk about how that she enjoyed her k. Kids. Yeah, here's what we do together. We, we like being together. And here's what she says. I guess I take after my mother. She loved being a mom. And that changed the whole thing, Meg, because it changes your whole reasoning as to why of course, it's like, yes, I want to enjoy this season of parenting. You know, it's, it's one season, this is it. It comes once, it doesn't come again. I want to enjoy it. But more than that, I want to model that it is something to be
- [16:59]
Dr. Meg Meeker
enjoyed, that kids are to be enjoyed.
- [17:03]
Jenny Arch
Yes.
- [17:04]
Dr. Meg Meeker
You know, and kids, I know exactly who you're talking about. She's a great mom. And you know, I mean, even after all these years she keeps having kids. But you know, her life is very, very simple and she just is determined to enjoy her kids. And here's the, the trick about that. Parents say, mom say, I can't enjoy my kids, their pills. Or this. Wait a minute. If you show your kids that you want to be with them and you say, let's go do something fun, and your kids get the sense that you like them, guess what? They're going to act a whole lot better. You know, if you say, guys, let's go for a bike ride, I know you have homework, I don't care, let's go. Or, you know, it's one o' clock in the morning and we get northern lights up here in northern Michigan. Beautiful, beautiful. And I remember my husband, one in the morning, waking all our kids up and come here, come here, come here. You've got to see this. You guys, in that sense that, you know, as a mother, even as a father, you know, wanting to share life with these little people, when they pick up on the sense that you like being a mom, even though it's incredibly stressful and hard, but there's a big part of it that is fun because they're fun to be with, their whole attitude and demeanor around the house will change. And, you know, fun sort of breeds this, a really positive attitude, which breeds more fun and a more positive attitude. And it's, it's like a real positive cycle that you can set. Because what I find parents typically do, I did this, is you see what your kids are doing wrong and. And then you try to correct it, and then it doesn't correct. So then you get mad at yourself. So then you get harder on your kids and matter at yourself, rather than saying, hold on a minute, I'm going to back away from that, walk out of the room, ignore that thing the kid just did. And in an hour I'm going to say, you know, guys, let's make pancakes for breakfast. I need help. Who's in?
- [19:05]
Jenny Arch
Yeah.
- [19:06]
Dr. Meg Meeker
You know, and kids, when they go, what you really want to have fun, mom, they love it.
- [19:12]
Jenny Arch
Oh, and you just see from this story of this mom that basically physically is shocking to you because almost all the other moms are just complaining about how tired they are. And this mom is not that she didn't learn that from a parenting book. She didn't learn it from a seminar. It was legacy that was passed to her. And so if we can take some of this, these habits of happy mothers know that not only will the now be better, but this could create generational impact of kids that enjoy being parents. And down the road, you wrote, kids don't care if you're thin or plump. They don't care if you make brownies from scratch, from a box, or if you buy them, they just want to eat the brownies with you. Understanding our value and then feeling good about the mothers that we are is one of the toughest challenges mothers face. So you kind of lay this groundwork out at the beginning of this book, talking about how we're precious than we know, more precious than we know we're worth more than we imagined. When I was a kid, I used to use kits to build Pinewood Derby cars with my dad. They often weren't the fastest, but I remember thinking I made this. And that feeling, it stuck with me. Now as a parent, I know how hard it can be to compete with screens. They're easy, they're loud, they're constant. So we're always looking for hands on experiences that actually pull our kids in. That is why we love love love Kiwico. We recently worked on one of their engineering crates together and watching my child figure out how the moving parts worked, testing it, adjusting, troubleshooting, it was all that same spark. The best part, the huge gram when it finally worked and that little aha moment. What surprised me most was how long they stayed with it. No one's asking for a device. No one's getting bored. 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Kids get instant explanations when they miss something and parents can see exactly where growth is happening and where a little reinforcement might help. It takes the guesswork out of finishing strong. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and 1000 Hours Outside listeners can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixl.com Visit ixl.com 1000hours to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Can you talk about this struggle with the frenetic culture? We've talked about it a little bit already. I wanted to read this. So this was from. Okay, this is from an article and you'd put it in the book. Is it okay to forego sending Susie to oboe camp in the summer and take walks on the beach, make peanut butter cookies at midnight and paint the family room all summer long? Aren't we just wasting a classical Amount of time. Is that one of your kids or is it from.
- [24:23]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Oh, I've done this with my kids. This is, this is a real struggle I've had. Yeah, it wasn't oboe, but it was other things. Absolutely. Because again, you know, we want our kids to be the best they can be. And so we figure out what the best is by looking around at our friends, kids, kids. The kids that are excelling, the kids are going to be happy. The kids who are this. And we see those kids on tracks. You know, they're going to, you know, around here we have Interlock and Academy, which is a arts.
- [24:56]
Jenny Arch
Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
- [24:58]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Very, very intense for kids. Pumps out a lot of great artists. And so I see a lot of these kids and I've talked to a lot and they come from all over the world and there's a lot of pressure these kids feel and, and a lot of it comes from parents who want their kids to be happy and successful in life. But here's what we need to forget is that we do a huge disservice to our kids by comparing our kids to our friends kids and believing that the way we get our kids to be successful and happy is to mimic what our friends are doing with their kids. You know, it's not uncommon. I grew up on the East Coast. It's not uncommon now for parents to get a college tutor to help their kids get into college, seventh and eighth grade. And I just scream when I hear that because maybe that kid doesn't want to go. Maybe that kid's a carpenter, maybe, you know. But we believe with our heart this is where a kid needs to land in order to be happy. But that's not true. Kids who are going to go to the Olympics, I see this all the time with athletics. They're going to get there. You know, you don't have to start training them since the time they were five or eight. If they're talented and they love it and they work hard, they're going to get there. And so the very best thing that we can do for our kids is to say, I won't fall into the competitive track of trap, of parenting my kids. According to my friends, the way they parent their kids, what I'm going to do, here's it, here's how I struggled exactly with that. I remember that, you know, a lot of kids ski up here competitively. And I remember my kids were all, you know, skiing age, and they all ski on the ski team from six at night to nine at night. And in My neighborhood, all of my neighbors started bringing their kids to ski team and my kids weren't on ski team. And so I started feeling really guilty and I thought, what's wrong with me? You know, why am I not doing that? My kids may need this to get into a better college. And then I decided, hold on, what are you doing? You're doing exactly what you tell people not to do. So right now I'm going to sit down and I'm going to do puzzles. And my kids, I'm talking about 12 year old kids and 8 year old kids, not 4 year old kids are fine. I'm talking about saying my kids need more family connection, more time with me, more fun with me than they need to be on a ski team. Because that's what gives your kids solid feet and ground to stand on.
- [27:45]
Jenny Arch
Yeah. And now you have the gift of hindsight to look at all those kids who lived in the neighborhood and to see what percentage of them would owe their success to being on the ski team. Probably not any.
- [27:56]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Maybe 1%.
- [27:58]
Jenny Arch
Yeah.
- [27:59]
Dr. Meg Meeker
But I can't convince parents of a 6 or an 8 or a 10 or a 12 year old who's excelling in hockey or excelling in gymnastics that that kid may not have extraordinary talent, may not get to the Olympics. And if they do get to the Olympics and they win a gold medal, what then? You know, parents, because I've taken care of, I worked with the NFL for a while, okay. And these guys, you know, are handed a lot, a lot of money in their early 20s and they say we never call the NFL a career. It's not a career, it's a time in your life. It's. What do they call it? I don't know. But it's not a job, it's not a career, it's a time in your life, a shift, short period of time. Then you move on to real life. And so real life really isn't about pushing your kid to get to the Olympics because again, most aren't going to get there. And even if they do get there, are they going to get a short. It's so short lived.
- [29:06]
Jenny Arch
Yeah.
- [29:07]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Give them the big stuff. Get the big stuff. Right. And forget about the smaller stuff and let yourself believe that maybe even going to the Olympics for your kid could be the smaller stuff.
- [29:20]
Jenny Arch
Wow. There. Then there's the whole piece of social media because, you know, for a while it was like, yeah, you would see what your friends, kids were doing, but now you can see basically what every kid is doing. And this past year, the Band for king and country. They do. They have this drummer boy song. And so they had this, like, competition where you could have your kid play the drum. And then they had the winner play with them like, somewhere in Nashville, like at a cool place, the Opry or something. I don't know. Anyway, so it's like, that's a cool thing. So our kids, they like to mess around at the drum, so we, like, gave it a go. But my husband was like, you know, there's a kid on here who's 8 years old that plays better than most adults I've ever heard, you know?
- [30:00]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Yeah, yeah.
- [30:02]
Jenny Arch
It's. It's just compounded. It's like you can see every kid and how talented they are. And still your advice is to find ways to live simply. You say, every mother must ask herself, why have I been put here on the Earth? And you talked about this Mom. I thought, wow, this was a really powerful story, Meg. She had one. I can't remember what the situation was somehow. She had 8 million. She had millions of dollars, and her kids never knew. And I thought, wow, what a difference. You know, there's some parents that, if they had that many resources, well, what they'd be doing would be putting their kids in the elite, like, athletic school and every single advantage known to man, they would. They would be getting the tutor for the seventh and eighth grade to get them in the Ivy League school. So can you talk about. I think that that was such a great showcase of. I think we sometimes we have some abundance, and so we automatically feel like we have to spend it on that land.
- [31:04]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Yeah, exactly. And I. I know I have a couple. A couple moms like that. And it's so fun because I still know all these moms. And it's bringing. You're bringing. Absolutely. Because I'll never forget, I was talking to the kid who's probably about 12. The kid, her kid. And they had a second home, and it was lovely and it was really hot. And I said to mom, kind of teasing her a little bit. I mean, they were multi, multi millionaires. It's hot. But you don't have a pool in your backyard. Are you going to get a pool in your backyard? Kind of like, come on, mom, come on. I'd put a pool in the back, and the sun looked up and, no, we're not going to put a pool in the backyard because we need a new lawnmower this summer. And my mouth dropped open. I thought, wow. But the whole point was, they never wanted their kids to believe that they had an edge over other kids that they could flaunt any money they made their kids work, you know, And I am all about kids working, even if they're 12. Our kids started working in the summers at 14. Now I know that's illegal some places, but there are places you can work. You know, where you can work. We have cherry farms. They can help pick cherries. I'm not talking 40 hours a week or even 20 hours a week. Teach them the value of work. Work so that they can see that mom and dad work. Maybe you don't, maybe moms don't get paid, you know, because we work around the house, whatever. But the value of work and the value of money and so you don't hand kids things. And I've seen some kids come from very wealthy families who are less spoiled than kids from lower middle income kids who've been handed everything because their parents feel guilty.
- [32:53]
Jenny Arch
And.
- [32:53]
Dr. Meg Meeker
But I thought that was a beautiful parenting example because she did not want money to be the, a focus in their home. And it wasn't, it wasn't. I mean, she was a thrifter, you know, I'm a thrifter. It's kind of a game, but she plays it with me. But it really is just to teach kids that. And when you teach your kids, you work hard to teach your kids that money is not the center of the home or something to be thought of highly. Kids adopt that and then you start to believe it's, it's just money, it's out there in a bank somewhere. But it's not necessarily, it doesn't define my life or who I am. And so what you teach your kids, you adopt and you believe and then they believe. So yeah, she was extraordinary. And since that time, I've known some other mothers and I, I'm amazed by them. Yeah, you'd see them on the street, you'd never know they were so wealthy, you know.
- [33:54]
Jenny Arch
Wow. And they're not using those resources to throw their kids into this rat race.
- [33:59]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Exactly. As a matter of fact, they refuse to do so. They're going in the opposite direction. They're making their kids save up for college. Now they're going to pay for college, but maybe the kid has to pay for his books or something like that. You know, they're not short changing their kids, but they're teaching their kids that the value in life isn't the stuff you buy or it's the work that you do and the love that you extend to others. Many of the happiest mothers and kids I find too are families who serve. They work in the homeless shelter or community kitchen every month and kids love it. Kids love to feel they have something to give and if we teach them that we're going to make a path for them so they're successful and happy. They never learn the joy of giving to others and understanding they have something to offer the world and that we can only teach them by getting them to give to others.
- [35:04]
Jenny Arch
And that goes back to this question that every mother should ask herself, why have I been put here on earth? Every mother should get a deep knowledge of who she is and why she was born. And then in those types of instances is you're also passing that along to your kids. I want to read a couple other things you wrote here. So this mom with $8 million you wrote, she embraced a lifestyle of simplicity because she knew that it gave her and her family something that money couldn't Freedom. Freedom from the pursuit of that. Cutting activities from a child's schedule seems heretical for a modern day parent. I have never met a mother who has simplified her life only to later reintroduce activities and behaviors back into her life once she's given them up. The benefits of simplifying are far too rich. Kids need better relationships more than they need practice at any sport or extracurricular activity. So one of the things that you're going to get from this book is to aim to try and live a little more simply. Yes, every season I find myself wanting our home to breathe a little easier. Not a full renovation, just thoughtful updates that make the space work better for our real everyday life. That's why I love shopping at Wayfair. Our style leans warm and collected, a little modern, a little lived in. This spring we refreshed a few spaces, lighter bedding, a couple accent pieces in the living room, and some outdoor furniture to make our patio feel like an actual gathering space instead of just yard furniture. Wayfair made it so easy to narrow things down by style, size, price, and I always read the reviews. Thousands of 5 star reviews make it feel less like guessing and more like choosing confidently. I also love how many functional pieces they carry. Storage solutions, shelving for work from home spaces, even options for assembly. If you don't want to DIY it, it feels seamless. From browsing to delivery, the pieces we ordered fit right into our rhythm. Beautiful but practical. And that's what I'm always after. Find furniture, decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to wayfair.com right now to shop all things home that's w a y f a I r.com wayfair every style every home this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. March is a month where we pause to celebrate women. And I've been thinking a lot about the women I'm raising, my daughters, the strength I see in them, the creativity, the courage. And I want them to grow up knowing that caring for their emotional health isn't weakness, it's wisdom. Women often grow up learning how to be everything for everyone else. The helper, the organizer, the steady one, the one who smooths things over. And while that strength is beautiful, it can also also be exhausting. Therapy offers a place to step out of performance mode to reflect on the roles you play, the expectations you carry, and the pressure you feel. It can help create balance, build boundaries, and remind you that your needs matter too. Better Help connects you with fully licensed therapists in the US who follow a strict code of conduct. They handle the matching process through a short questionnaire so you can focus on your goals. And if you need a different fit, you can switch anytime. With more than 30,000 therapists, over 6 million people served worldwide, and an average 4.9 out of 5 rating across 1.7 million reviews, the support is there. Your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com 1000hours that's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com 1000hours the start of a new season always makes me look around and think, how can this house function better? Not fancier, just better. And honestly, Wayfair has become my go to when we're ready to level up a space without overspending, we tackled organization first, like closet systems, garage storage, and shelving for a work from home setup that was slowly being overtaken by stacks of books. Wayfair's filters make it incredibly easy to narrow by dimensions, finish and budget. I could compare pieces side by side, read reviews and feel confident before clicking order. Then we layered in a few lighter touches for spring, like updated bedding, simple decor, and a couple a couple pieces for the patio so we're ready to be outside more. I love that you can find everything in one place, from big furniture upgrades to functional decor that actually solves a problem. Delivery was fast, assembly was straightforward, and there are even options if you want installation handled for you. It just feels streamlined. Find furniture, decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A Y-F A I R.com Wayfair every style, every home. Okay. This is one that I feel like I fall into the trap of often, which is friendships. So you talk about maintaining key friendships. You talk about your friendship with Marie and riding ponies together on Saturday mornings.
- [39:34]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Yes. And we're still friends.
- [39:37]
Jenny Arch
Oh, I love it. All these people, still friends.
- [39:39]
Dr. Meg Meeker
We're just now old friends. We're not riding ponies anymore. But you know, it's so true. If you want to, if you want to get along really well with your husband, you have to have some good women from. You have to. Because he's just not going to do it. He's not going to. He's not going to get you where you need to be. He's not going to. You know, we put so much pressure on our husbands or so many expectations that they should, you know, do this and help us with this and discuss this. Most don't. And so you, it really frees you up to have a good relationship with your husband. And if you have good women friends, kind of like simplicity. But we all need our tribe. It can be two women, it can be 10 women. But we need that deeper connection with women because we get each other.
- [40:29]
Jenny Arch
That's right.
- [40:30]
Dr. Meg Meeker
And I think when you're first married those first 10 years, you really believe your husband's supposed to get you. He doesn't. He's not going to. But it doesn't mean he's a bad husband, you know.
- [40:42]
Jenny Arch
Yeah. So what you say is, and this is really understandable, especially in this culture where there's oboe camp and you know, you're trying to get your kids ahead. You say friends are the first thing to go and you have this sentence about there not being catch up time. And I believe that that's what everyone thinks. Well, goodness, in five years, you know, I'm not going to be running my kids around from this, that to the other thing. I'll play catch up. But here's what you say. Life gets even more demanding as we age.
- [41:14]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Yep, it does. So we, we wait for a period in our life where I go, oh, okay, now that's done. Now I can do this. Well, really, things get more complicated. Parenting can get more complicated, you know, parenting teenagers, parenting young adults. You know, you say, well, you don't have to parent a 25 year old. Well, you do and you don't. I mean, I'm not telling them what to do. I'm not reprimanding them. But if you have a good relationship with kids, they're always going to come for your advice and they're going to come for more important advice. Should I marry this guy? Should I date this woman? This woman did this to me. What do I do? So, you know, they're bigger problems and bigger issues, so you really do have less time. But again, I think that women are great at sort of being martyrs. My job as a mom of a 10 year old and a 15 year old is to do everything during the day to make sure I get them to all these places after school on time. You know, hopefully I can feed them by seven, maybe by nine, whatever, and sacrifice everything else that we do. And it turns us into miserable people. And then guess what happens? Our kids become miserable. And I believe that. You know, it's interesting since I wrote that, things have only gotten a lot worse because life is far more complicated for parents than it was even then because there's a lot more stuff to do, you know, I mean, have cell phones made your life easier?
- [42:48]
Jenny Arch
No.
- [42:49]
Dr. Meg Meeker
You know, have they made it happier? No, no. I take my cell phone on vacation and I check my inbox and I say to my team, oh, I'm on vacation. But. And my team goes, no, no, no, no, you're on vacation. Turn it off. It's so. It's so much more complicated if we aren't. If we don't discipline ourselves to prioritize a few things and have the courage to really prioritize those things, which means cutting other things, then allowing ourselves to bring some real happiness to our home. Nobody's going to survive. Your kids do not want you as stressed out all the time.
- [43:32]
Jenny Arch
Time.
- [43:33]
Dr. Meg Meeker
It's miserable being married to somebody who's stressed all the time because they never sort of refill their tank. And if mom ain't happy, it really is true. The house is miserable. So one of the best things you do, I talk to a lot of younger mothers who have babies at home who have their baby on them 24, 7. I said, you can't be a good mom if you never get sleep. Your baby needs you to be happier more than they need breast milk, which is terrible thing to say, la leche, but it's true. You know, kids need happy mothers.
- [44:09]
Jenny Arch
Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And so one of the components here are friendships. You write, when something needs to be cut out in the crunch of daily demands, friends are the first to go. Sometimes friendships seem expendable, unnecessary. So we put people off and think that we're going to catch up later you say, we must fight loneliness fiercely. I mean, even in your situation, you know, you think, okay, you know, grandkids multiply. Not always. You know, you meet someone who has six kids and then they only have three grandkids. But most of the time it's opposite. You had three kids, we got six grandkids, you got 10 grandkids. That's a lot to keep up with. Maybe you've got aging parents, you know, you're trying to figure out about your own health. So it's, I think it's a really important thing for you to clarify that life gets more demanding as we age. And it is tricky. I'm interviewing this woman, her name is Dr. Tracy dog leash, because she's got a whole book about mother in laws. You know, she's like, interview me right before Easter for the holidays. You know, it's just so tricky. You have all these other dynamics that come in. So a key to a happy mother is to maintain key friendships in your life. It's a really important one. Here's another one. So there's 10. So people can pick up the book to read all 10. The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers. Another one is faith.
- [45:24]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Faith? Yeah.
- [45:26]
Jenny Arch
We can't live without faith in God. Many try, but when our days draw shorter and our bodies wilt, the existence of God is an issue that everyone. Miss. Must face in one way or another.
- [45:37]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Absolutely. And I, I learned that really pretty early on. I didn't grow up with a faith, you know, I, I just, I'm sure my parents had a faith. We periodic, we went to church on Easter and Christmas and I knew there was a God. But when you start to live with a lot of stress, you have to have somewhere to go. You have to know that there's somebody behind you, around you, in you, who has your back, who can show you how to get out of it and who can help you keep your wits about you until pain passes. Because as you get older, pain can get greater. Disappointments are there. Maybe your kids get divorced, maybe you get divorced. You know, life is just really hard and we have to have something other than ourselves or our friends or our spouses to help us keep moving forward. You know, God is hope, Christ is hope. And if you hang on to him, you will have hope. Now this is a very interesting thing. Some mothers say to me, well, I get that, but here's what I want to do for my kids. I want my kids to choose their own faith as they get older. And I say, okay, I understand that kids having A choice, important thing. But if Your kid is 15 and you haven't taught them about any faith, they don't know what to choose from. They don't know whether they should be Buddhist or Hindu or Muslim or Jewish or. They don't know. So you really have to teach your children. If you really want your kid to choose, you have to go in depth about different kinds of faith. Now, I did not do that. I'm a Christian. My husband is. We believe that Christ is the center of our lives. And we taught that to. To our children because as parents, we must teach our kids what we believe is important in life. We make them go to school. We teach them how to read. They have to learn how to read and do math. They have to learn how to work, and they have to learn about who God is. Now, they can reject it when they're older, but I'm not going to be the kind of mom that a kid in their 30s says, I just learned about God, mom. How could you have not told me about him?
- [48:04]
Jenny Arch
Him?
- [48:05]
Dr. Meg Meeker
That's very different than, gee, Mom, I just disagree with you. Well, I did what I believe was right. And I think a lot of parents, a, are afraid to dig deep with God and have a strong relationship because it can be a little scary. You know, God knows everything about us. But they're afraid to teach their kids about their own faith because they don't want their kids to be made fun of. Whatever, who cares? You know, you've. It's. It's way too important for that. So. And one of the best ways to do that, by the way, is take your kids on mission trips. Our kids went on missions all over the world, and it changed them. They would come back. I mean, they went to the truly poor places. They go to Peru and hike up in the mountains on medical mission trips. And they will come home. And for the first two weeks of coming home, they couldn't go into a big grocery store. It was overwhelming to them. See what happens. You move back into that simplicity. You carve away all the excess. You focus on what's really important. Helping that person get drinking water, seeing that person who has no electricity. You come home and you're used to focusing on what's really important. It almost makes you sick to your stomach to see complexity and too much stuff.
- [49:29]
Jenny Arch
Yeah, and what a perspective shift. What a perspective shift. So you took them on a bunch of mission strips you wrote in the book Medical Studies. This is what you and I talked about. It's been a bit, but we talked about it in your book about boys where you said boys need God and then you talked about kids whose fathers aren't in the picture. Maybe they've passed away or maybe they're just distant and you're like. And I said, you know, in this book about boys and being rambunctious and, you know, playing outside and all the things that boys need, need, why did you put in, you know, as one of the things that boys need God? And you said, because it's true. I love that. I love that. Because even in this book you say medical studies, medical studies show that people who have faith in God live longer, enjoy life more and have better health. They suffer less depression and they raise healthier kids. The sooner we find answers to our spiritual lives, the healthier we will be because we are fundamentally spiritual beings.
- [50:26]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Yes, yes, yes. And you know, and, and here's what's interesting. A lot of parents also will say, you know, my kids too young to hear about God. They're too young to understand the spiritual. It's the exact opposite. Kids in my experience are far more, they, they speak far more easily about spiritual things and God than adults do. And I have had so many kids over the years talk to me about seeing angels now when inevitably when kids talk about them and their mom's in the room, she goes, stop it. And I said, no, no, no, no, please let him go. And so kids don't have the bias, they don't have the sense that, oh, if I believe in Christ and I talk about my faith, I'm one of those this and this and this and crazy people or I'm. They don't have all that baggage. They just talk about what they know and it's true. And I think that spiritually they're much keener and they're much more aware than, than we are. I recently had, oh, I have so many wonderful stories. Had a little kids, 11 years old, having sleep if difficulties and just couldn't go to sleep and was scared and that we, I went through trauma. This and this and this. No, no, no, no. And she said, oh, but my parents, she said, I used to go in my parents room. But then she said one night, oh my God, kids humble you. One night I looked at my doorway. Now my doorway goes into hallway that goes into the kitchen. And I don't think it was very late at night, but I looked in my door, in the doorway of my bedroom to the hall, there was a beautiful figure standing there that was white and bright. And she said at first I was really, oh, I was lace scared. And then all sudden, this, this. This sense of, it's okay, you can go to sleep came over me. And from then on, I can sleep. And I said, well, what was that? She goes, Dr. Meeker was an angel, kind of like you, dummy. And in there, her mother said, no, no, no, no. I said, no, please. I said, she's right. I said to her mother, she's right. Because I've had kids describe the same thing to me in. In hospital rooms, in cancer wards, as they're dying so many times. And so children teach us so much about faith. So if our kids start talking about God, answer their questions. You know, every kid who has a pet or grandmother is inevitably going to ask you, mom, what happened? Where did grandma go? Where did my dog go? I experienced that with our young granddaughter when she was 2. We found my dog dead in my backyard, and I was babysitting and I thought, oh, no. We both started to cry. He'd been taken by a coyote. And we had a discussion, where is he? And I said, honey, I believe that dogs are in heaven and here's why. And for the next, you know, half hour, we cried and we talked about your kids going to ask you about heaven. You better be ready to answer the questions.
- [53:35]
Jenny Arch
Yeah. Yes. I read at least Strobel's book that came out last year and we got to talk about. It's called, called Seeing the Supernatural, which is such an interesting book for him to write because he's an evidence person. You know, he wrote the book the Case for Christ. He's like a lawyer type, you know.
- [53:49]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Yeah, yeah.
- [53:51]
Jenny Arch
And he's similar to what you say. It says that how could it be that all of these people have the same experience? You know, this 8 year old didn't talk to that 7 year old, didn't talk to that 10 year old that's come to your practice. And yet they're all saying and describing it the same way. I talked to this woman, Jenny Allen. She has this part in her book where someone was like, like, you know what? Your situation calls for a stronger angel. She was like, what? And apparently there's some story in the Bible where like, this one angel didn't cut it. They were like, call in Michael or whatever, Gabriel, whatever. The other one was, call.
- [54:22]
Dr. Meg Meeker
In the beginning, I think. Didn't Billy Graham write a whole book on angels? And the reason, you know, kids are the ones that strengthen my faith, because I see their faith and I see they're just cut and dry about it. They believe because it's real. They believe because they sought. And, and it just is. And, and you talk to people who've done mission work in different countries and real poor countries, they will talk a lot about it. And again, because their life is simple and they allow themselves to see. And I think that as mothers, we're. Our brains and our minds have so much stuff flooding it all the time. And our, our. We're so distracted by money or friendships or stuff we need to do, our emails or social media, whatever, that we don't have the freedom to see. To see what's really important or to see what God has for us. And, and you know, and you think about it too. God was pretty clear about what he wanted us to be and do. He. He didn't need us to. He wants us to have communion with him, but he really wants us to just live with him and enjoy him and walk humbly with him and he'll fill in the rest. And to really, as I said, overcome the fear of giving things up. Yeah, we're afraid to give things up. We're afraid to lock our phone away for a whole evening or shut our computer. We're afraid to say no to our kids. You can't have a cell phone until you're 16 or 18 or no. We had a rule in our family. Our kids all had one extracurricular activity after school per semester. That's all I could handle. And they're pretty happy kids, adults now, you know, and so, and I, and I didn't feel the fear to sort of say, no, you're not going to play piano and play on the soccer team at the same time, or no, you're not going to play on the travel soccer team, you're going to play on the school soccer team because our family's not going to be apart on weekends. That's a gutsy thing for a parent to say. But my, my, my husband just put down his foot. He said, we're not going to be separated all the time on weekends. Being together as a family is more important. And I think now our kids, kids are so grateful that he had the oomph or the character to say, no, you're not going to do that because I don't want to be away from you.
- [57:06]
Jenny Arch
And then you become a happier mother because you're not run ragged and life is simpler.
- [57:11]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Exactly. So get. I would say to mothers, whatever it is that you're afraid to give up, get past that fear and believe in yourself. If you believe that you want to try giving it up, up or it would be better for yourself or better for your kids. Try it. Do it. You can always add it back in. Yeah, but give it up and just see. I will tell you in studies show kids who stay off their cell phones, teenagers for a month or two or three, don't want them back afterwards because they, they see how much happier they are.
- [57:48]
Jenny Arch
Yeah, yeah, you are. I feel, I do feel strongly that most mothers are exhausted because we do a lot of things we don't need to, to do to be good moms, but we do them because we believe they're expected of us. So you talk about, you know, there needs to be some time for solitude. The moms are like, are you kidding me? But you talk in the book about how to get there. Solitude, making, making different decisions about those types of things and also dealing with, you know, conflict. And there's everything in here, fear, hope, optimism. It's phenomenal. Just one, so many. Meg, thank you for saying yes and coming back on. I adore you and everybody who listens adores you. So you have a book about how to be a happier mother and so many other things. Can you let people know about the online community where they can come and ask you questions? Sure.
- [58:36]
Dr. Meg Meeker
You know, I have an Ask Dr. Meg community and it's@nicarparenting.com and basically I answer any question any parent has. Nothing is off limits. And I also have a course on how to. Which is kind of fun. How to talk to your kids about puberty and sex at any age. Because that's another thing. Parents don't want to talk to their kids about puberty and sex because it's embarrassing, because we have naturally built in modesty. But it's something that I want parents to do, not the schools, because the schools don't do the job. You want a. They're medically behind and balance. They don't. Kids want to know what you think, mom and dad, about them being sexually active at 14 or 16 or 20. They don't want to know what they're teaching. They want you to tell them. So again, it's overcoming that fear. And I walk parents through that in that, in that course. So that's a particularly real fun course.
- [59:31]
Jenny Arch
Yeah, that's interesting. You know, I, I never have really considered that too much, but you remember your own thing from fourth grade or whenever they do it, fifth grade. And it's, it's. I don't know if it's changed, but like back then, it wasn't values based. It was just information. So to your point, of no more,
- [59:47]
Dr. Meg Meeker
no more, no more, no more. And I work. I'm on the board of the Medical Institute for Sexual Health, which is amazing. It's a group of physicians who've been working together. We put out research. Medinstitute.org is their website. And we give medically accurate information on everything. And I testified at congressional hearing a number of years ago on prevention of cervical cancer in women. And basically the CDC director then came out and said the only way to get rid of cervical cancer in women is to teach girls this one. Delay the sexual debut as long as possible. Reduce the number of sexual partners to as few as possible. That's wait until you're married and have one partner. Because the gals who get cervical cancer are the gals who start sexual activity early and who have too many partners. And that's what our culture is teaching them. Teachers are not out there saying, hold on, just wait, you can do it. They're saying, when you do it, and if you do it, here's what you do. No parents, please teach your kids about it.
- [61:00]
Jenny Arch
I read a statistic that said when both have waited, the man and the woman, the marriage, and it's either 90 or 95% or 98%, it was something crazy high will last. And I was like, oh, that's an, that's an important values based thing.
- [61:16]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Well, it is. It's all about bonding. Because the first sexual encounter or second, second encounter, you bond very closely because oxytocin during the sexual act shoots up in your brain and it causes you to bond. But then you have another partner, another partner, another partner, and it goes down and down and down. It's kind of like taking two pieces of tape to stick them together for the first time. It's hard to pull them apart. But you keep doing that, eventually they won't stick together. Same principle. So the bonding, the emotional bonding is much more intense when you wait until your partner. But who's teaching that? But let me tell you a secret, parents. Only 50% of high school kids who graduate high school are sexually active. The ones who aren't, don't talk about it. The ones who are, talk about it. So parents are a little bit duped into believing they can't get their kids to wait. Yes, you can. You know, I, I saw one little boy, one little, he's 23, took off his promise ring the night before he got married and he threw it into the lake. And he was one of the happiest people, you know, And I've seen it, I've lived it. I've watched it and I've taught it. So yeah, I know we're going way over time, but that's my passion.
- [62:33]
Jenny Arch
That's good. I love it. People can find more@meagerparenting.com thank you. You are delightful and you have just such a host of resources for today's parents. Thank you for being here.
- [62:44]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Thank you so much.
- [62:47]
Jenny Arch
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- [63:17]
Dr. Meg Meeker
Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho. Look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you. And hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling, Ross.
- [63:29]
Jenny Arch
Work your magic.