1KHO 767: Our Presence is What Makes Us Valuable | Eli Harwood, How to Deal With Your Emotions So You're Kids Don't Have To

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast

Episode: 1KHO 767: Our Presence is What Makes Us Valuable | Eli Harwood, How to Deal With Your Emotions So Your Kids Don’t Have To

Guest: Eli Harwood, Licensed Therapist & Author

Host: Ginny Yurich

Date: April 13, 2026

---

Episode Overview

This episode features Ginny Yurich in a candid, insightful conversation with therapist and bestselling author Eli Harwood (a.k.a. Attachment Nerd). The focus is on understanding and managing adult emotions to prevent passing emotional baggage onto children. They dive deeply into themes from Eli’s newest book, How to Deal With Your Emotions So Your Kids Don’t Have To, while also touching on her work in Raising Securely Attached Kids. Key areas include the role of attachment, reframing powerful emotions (like anger and sadness), generational cycles, and practical strategies for parents to become healthier emotional role models. Throughout, listeners receive empathetic guidance, personal stories, and down-to-earth encouragement—grounded in the belief that “our presence is what makes us valuable.”

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Eli Harwood’s Backstory & Generational Healing

• Eli’s upbringing involved loving but emotionally unstable parents (alcoholism, depression, PTSD).
• At age 9, her mother made a “U-turn” (03:17)–seeking help that modeled healing and growth, birthing a legacy of emotional self-awareness and therapy.
  • “She was like, I'm not okay. This is not going well. I don't want this for my kids.” – Eli Harwood (02:22)
• Becoming a therapist let her extend what her mother began—“putting up railings where people keep flying off the pass” (preventative emotional education). (04:01)

2. Understanding Attachment: What Kids (and Adults) Need

• “We are relational creatures... Think of your relationship with your child as an environment.”
  — Eli Harwood (05:47)
• Critiques the myth that responsive parenting “spoils” children; instead, strong attachment builds resilience.
• Secure attachment signals to a child: you are worthy, you matter, you’re capable, and you can rely on me when life gets hard. (07:02)
  • “How can I give my kids the relational environment they need... so they sense that they are worthy, that they matter... and that there is someone for them to rely on when life gets hard?” — Eli Harwood (07:02)

3. Intergenerational Patterns: Parenting, Grandparents, & Perspective

• Discusses how family histories (immigration, trauma, poverty) shape emotional responses and parenting.
• Grandparents often “step into delight” with grandchildren differently than they did with their own kids.
  • “There is something about the grandparent dynamic. There's a freedom there, because it's not my job to turn this child into something...” — Eli Harwood (10:13)
• Encourages parents to consciously bring the “grandparent delight” energy into daily moments with their kids (reunions, mornings, after school).

4. Emotional Literacy: “Feelings Are For Feeling”

• Modern culture often frames feelings as problems.
• Suppressing or drowning in emotions are both maladaptive; emotional health requires tolerating and learning from feelings. (13:07)
  • “Our kids need our help learning how to feel their feelings so they don't either shut down... or drown in their feelings so they can’t differentiate what’s going on.” — Eli Harwood (13:07)
• Eli’s book catalogs a wide range of emotions, some commonly discussed and others—like body disgust or jealousy of one's own children—less so. (14:41)

5. Deep Dive: Reframing and Handling Core Emotions

Anger as a Lighthouse (15:50)

• Anger signals desperation or violation—it's a “helper” and “lighthouse,” not just a danger signal.
  • “The way of viewing anger is: what need is this lighthouse directing me towards, as a way to try and protect this relationship?” — Eli Harwood (18:14)
• Empathizing with anger in children helps them move through emotion to underlying needs.
  • Example: Using “Mommy is mad and needs some space” models emotion regulation and helps children learn to monitor and express anger safely. (24:46)

Body Disgust (29:04)

• Often a taboo subject, body disgust is widespread, especially due to societal and marketing pressures.
• “If we hate our bodies or we're in active disgust... our kids feel that, they absorb it.” — Eli Harwood (29:45)
• The goal isn’t to believe you’re beautiful—but to value your presence regardless of appearance. Teaching self-gratitude shifts the narrative for the next generation.
  • “The opposite of hating your body is not believing you're beautiful. It's believing that your presence is more powerful than your appearance.” — Eli Harwood (33:03) [Notable Quote]

Loneliness (36:09)

• Loneliness “has a fragrance” kids can sense.
• Healing loneliness requires an intentional “connection plan”—but efforts may yield “duds” (unrewarding attempts at connection) before forming meaningful bonds.
  • “You're gonna go out there... there are going to be many attempts at connection that end up with duds. Anticipate duds.” — Eli Harwood (36:53)
• Analogy: Making friends is like fishing; many tries before catching “the right fish.” (39:20)

Sadness vs. Despair (42:50)

• Sadness helps process loss (“like being cleansed at the river”); despair is getting stuck in hopelessness.
• Grief can be a communal, connecting experience.
  • “Sorrow... is what our body does to help us process loss and grief… When we're facing sadness, we are actually just like... we're being cleansed by the sadness.” — Eli Harwood (42:50)

Numbing & Disconnection (47:57)

• Numbing (alcohol, food, screens, etc.) is a learned adaptation when one lacks an emotion mentor.
• Using numbing habits in parenting makes adults emotionally unavailable.
  • “When we numb to cope, we also disappear... but this is not a moral failure.” — Eli Harwood (47:57)
• Key is to notice and consciously shift from habitual numbing so kids feel seen and supported.

6. Practical Tools & Resources

• Both books provide practical scripts, further reading, and action steps for each emotion.
• Self-compassion scripts help parents model and practice gentleness with themselves.
• How to Deal With Your Emotions So Your Kids Don’t Have To functions as a reference: “Pick the chapters you need. There’s one on self-doubt… move through it.” (54:25)
• The Secure Parent Program:
  • Offers support groups and live Q&As (virtual, “pay what you can”), for collective learning and accountability. (52:33)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Presence Over Appearance:
  • “The opposite of hating your body isn't believing that we're beautiful or that our bodies are flawless. It's believing that our presence is what makes us valuable. Our unapologetic embrace of our bodies gives others permission to unapologetically embrace theirs.”
    — Eli Harwood (35:04)
• On Anticipating Connection Duds:
  • “Not every firecracker you buy is going to work. Sometimes things just don’t work out. That doesn’t mean you’re broken or unworthy of connection…”
    — Jenny Ayrton, reading Eli’s advice (40:12)
• On Anger as a Helper:
  • “Anger is really an emotion that is attempting to bring us to a need.”
    — Eli Harwood (16:14)
• On Intergenerational Growth:
  • “If you want to help your kids, the most important thing you do is you learn how to show them an array of healthy ways they can cope with what they feel.”
    — Eli Harwood (24:46)
• On Emotional Hygiene:
  • “One of the most important things we can do for our children is learn how to maturely handle the tricky feelings that inevitably arise inside us as parents.”
    — Eli Harwood (46:52)
• On Celebrating Childhood Moments:
  • “There is something about the grandparent dynamic...that's precious, they are little this once...”
    — Eli Harwood (10:13)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:06–04:47] Eli’s family background, generational trauma, and therapy as a turning point
• [05:47–07:21] What attachment really means, debunking the myth of “spoiling” children
• [10:13–12:18] The “grandparent effect” and how to cultivate it as a parent
• [13:07–14:41] The importance of letting kids feel their feelings, emotional waves
• [15:50–18:34] Anger as a helper, parenting scripts, moving through emotional waves
• [24:46–26:16] Modeling emotional regulation for children
• [29:04–33:03] Body disgust and its impact; shifting from appearance to presence
• [36:09–40:12] Addressing loneliness, making a connection plan, “anticipate duds”
• [42:50–45:05] Sadness vs. despair, communal grief and connection
• [47:57–50:59] Numbing habits, their origins, and how they impair parent-child connection
• [52:33–53:40] Secure Parent Program and additional resources
• [55:36–56:46] Favorite childhood outdoor memories
• [54:41–55:08] Self-compassion scripts for parents and using resources for children as well

---

Final Thoughts & Takeaways

• Parents’ Emotional Wellness Directly Impacts Kids:
  By working through our anger, sadness, shame, and more, we improve our connection and become more emotionally reliable for our children.

• Attachment is Built (and Rebuilt) Through Presence:
  Small, everyday gestures of connection and delight outweigh appearance or perfection.

• Don’t Be Afraid of Tough Feelings:
  Emotions like anger, jealousy, body disgust, and loneliness are normal and workable. Modeling healthy engagement with feelings is the most powerful legacy parents can give.

• Practical, Actionable Steps:
  Use scripts and resources, seek community, and remember—progress is “relative,” not perfect.

• You Are Not Alone:
  Struggles with emotion are universal, and support (resources, community, professional help) is available.

---

For more from Eli Harwood:

• Books:
  • How to Deal With Your Emotions So Your Kids Don’t Have To
  • Raising Securely Attached Kids
  • Uniquely Us
• Website: AttachmentNerd.com
• Secure Parent Program: Lifetime access, virtual resources, support groups, and “pay-what-you-can” options.

---

“Our presence is what makes us valuable.” – Eli Harwood (33:03)

---

Transcript

[Host 1]

We have had so many guests on this show talk about how powerful the outdoors can be for kids, especially kids with ADHD or different ways of learning and processing the world. And if you are raising a child with adhd, dyslexia, a language disorder, or really any kind of learning difference, I want to share a podcast that I think you'll really appreciate. It's called Everyone Gets a Juice Box. It's parents just being honest with each other in a really safe, welcoming space about the highs and lows of raising neurodivergent kids. And what I love about it is how real it is. There was one story about a mom who had this big career running a major podcast division, and she realized she hadn't been home to see her daughter before bed for weeks. And at the same time, she was starting to notice these little moments, like her daughter freezing up during a simple preschool performance and just having that gut feeling like something's different here. And then all the doubt that comes with that. Like other people saying, she seems fine. Well, you're sitting here thinking, but I'm her parent and I know her. This mom eventually stepped back in and reconnected and created little games together just

[Jenny Ayrton]

to help her daughter communicate better.

[Host 1]

It's such a good reminder that connection doesn't have to be complicated, it just has to be intentional. So if that interests you, go check it out to listen. Search for Everyone gets a juice Box in your podcast app. That's Everyone Gets a Juice Box.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Welcome to the 1000 Hours Outside podcast. My name is Jenny Ayrton, the founder of 1000 Hours Outside and I'm so honored to have licensed therapist. What am I going to say? Oh, I just said this in our. When we were talking. Who lives in Colorado with her husband and three children and two cats and five chickens. Eli Harwood written some phenomenal books that are really going to help you in your daily life. Thanks for being here.

[Eli Harwood]

I love being here. Thank you for having me.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Congratulations on your brand new book. It's called how to deal with your. I guess, emotions. Right? Like there's a whole. It's kind of like what I'm saying. There's a whole image here of. Of almost like this chaos that we feel. It captures it really well. Anxiety, self doubt, anger, insecurity, trauma. How to deal with all of these things so your kids don't have to. An encyclopedia for ditching your emotional baggage. I've also read Raising Securely Attached Kids using connection focused par to create confidence, empathy and resilience. And also you have a book Called Uniquely us.

[Host 1]

What's your backstory?

[Eli Harwood]

Oh, where do we begin? I mean, my backstory is what most therapists have as a backstory, which is I got schooled in family dysfunction in my family of origin, and I had two parents who very much loved me and were not emotionally stable, and they were different flavors of not emotionally stable. My dad was more of the, I have an alcoholism problem, and I'm checked out, don't really know what's going on. Not reliable. And my mama had lots of depression and PTSD and struggled to believe she was worthy and was more of the variety of. I, as a child, felt like, oh, I got to make sure she's okay. So I was real disconnected from my dad and real enmeshed with my mom. And y' all can read how that turns out for somebody. You know, it gets real messy. And so my story gets real beautiful, though, because when I was nine years old, my mom did what I call u turn parenting. She was like, I'm not okay. This is not going well. I don't want this for my kids.

[Jenny Ayrton]

And she got help, and, wow, that is uncommon.

[Eli Harwood]

It's so uncommon. She's so cool. And it wasn't like, you know, she went and got help, and then bada bing, bada boom. Everything's secure in our life, and everything's wonderful. It was. It. It's a. It's a dedication. She's had to continuing to grow for, you know, decades upon decades now. But what happened was it. It gave a path light for me. It's like, oh, there's this thing we can do where we make sense of our families. We make sense of what's happened in our generational trauma. We heal. We go to therapy. You know, my mom calls therapists her Rent A Friends, which is very funny. She's like, I think I need to go see my Rent a Friend again. Like, yeah, I think you do. But there was this legacy that she created of, like, we can. We can heal through stuff, and we can do better. And, you know, this led to that led to this, led to that. I became a therapist, and then I was a therapist for 15 years before I started running my mouth on the interwebs, because I really wanted people to know the things they could do to prevent some of the pain that, you know, I had gone through. Other people I've loved have gone through, my clients have gone through. I was like, wait a minute. We can cut this off at the pass. Like, we can put some railings up at this spot where people keep flying off the pass, you know, and. And prevent that. And so here I am running my mouth on your podcast.

[Jenny Ayrton]

I love it. I love it. The two books that I read are fantastic. And in how to deal with your emotions, which is the newest one, there were so many emotions in there that I. Not expecting. I was shocked, and I found that it was so helpful. I think we mainly talk about, you know, a small bucket of different emotions that we feel. And then I was like, oh, wow. You know, I've never even seen anybody put words to this emotion or that emotion. So we're going to talk about those today, and people can pick up the books to read about all of the other ones. But let's just give a foundational message about attachment. So your website is called attachment nerd.com people can go there to find the secure parent program, which you can tell us about. But this is a foundational element of our kids being attached to us. And there is confusion because a lot of times people will say, don't spoil your baby. You know, you're going to hold them too much. They're going to be dependent on you. I know this is a huge topic, but if you could give just a broad overview of what is actually the right direction here.

[Eli Harwood]

Well, the best way to think about child development, human development, is that we are relational creatures. So there. There are creatures in the world that are not relationally oriented for their survival. You know, like, there's a lizard that is born and never even meets its parents. It's called the Lab Lord Lab Lord lizard. Anyway, check me somebody who knows things about lizards. But, like, we are not that. We don't have the capacity to survive without care. We're born, you know, like helpless little slugs. We can't do anything for ourselves. You know, there's no baby that crawls out of a uterus and is like, you know what? I can do this. I got this. These people seem nuts. I'm out of here. You know, there is a inherent developmental process that is relational, and that's what attachment is. And we all have this instinct, not just when we're tiny, but all throughout our life, to have close, bonded relationships with people as our avenue to thriving. Right. It's why solitary confinement is a form of torture.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Eli Harwood]

We are not meant to be alone. So if. When you think about raising your kid, you want to think, how can I give my child the relationship which is an environment. Think of your relationship with your child as an environment.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Wow.

[Eli Harwood]

How can I give my kids the relational environment they need from me? In order to sense that they are worthy, that they matter, they are capable, and. And that there is someone for them to rely on when life gets hard. Because life gets hard.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yeah, sure.

[Eli Harwood]

No matter what.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Sure. So you wrote in the book that there's an estimated 50 of people who have secure attachment, which means there's 50% of people who do not. Can you talk about the relational environment with your grandparents, your paternal grandparents?

[Eli Harwood]

So my dad's parents. That's what you're asking me about? My dad's parents?

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah. My dad's parents were survivors of their own. Right. You know, it's hard for me not to, like, want to give every detail about my family, because when you start. When you start digging into your family, you're like, this is actually really important. You know, it's like, my grandma's parents immigrated to the US From Russia, but they had. Their family had immigrated from Germany to Russia, and now the Bolsheviks were after them. And so this is why they're here. And then they're trying to survive on a farm, and they have so many children, and it's stressful, and so, like, there's no time for feelings. And so there's my grandma, right? And what does she learn? She learns, like, stuff it down, ignore that it's there. And then what does she do with my dad? And how does that then affect me? You know? But when I was little, my dad's parents were incredibly sweet with me, and I got to experience a different side of them than I think my dad did. Was there a story in particular that you want me to remember that I'm not bringing up?

[Jenny Ayrton]

Well, I just love that this is what you wrote about them, and I think. But I'm glad that you answered the way that you did, because it's so interesting to think about grandparents. You know, I talked to this woman. She wrote a memoir called Here Be Dragons, and, like, her mom was just a total nightmare mess. I mean, it was such a mess. The book was a total page turner because you're like, whoa, you know, what's going on with this lady? But the mom's parents. So this would be the grandparents. You're kind of like, well, why didn't they step in? Or, what the heck is going on here? And there were some things that had happened, like an early pregnancy, like what you're talking about. Like, there were things. And so you get this sense that, like, the grandparent, when they were the parent, struggled, they stepped things down. They had all these things that they, you know, they couldn't Manage well. But then when they became the grandparent, they were like the saving grace. And so you almost hope that you can have the perspective. And I. Part of it is circumstantial, but like, can I get the perspective of the grandparent earlier?

[Eli Harwood]

Yes.

[Jenny Ayrton]

In order to parent in a way that's more whole. So I want to read. This is such beautiful writing. So this particular part is from raising securely attached kids. You wrote this. There was this particular pitch in their voice when I came over to their house and wide open arms with smiles and delight. They hugged me with enthusiasm. And I could always feel the joy in their bodies as we came together for a visit. And I thought, oh, that's really something to aspire to. But you do often hear about it primarily in the grandparent relationship.

[Eli Harwood]

Well, it's easier for a grandparent to give. I've got tears in my eyes, by the way, for those of you who are listening and can't see me. But like, there is something about the grandparent dynamic. There's a freedom there because it's like it's not my job to turn this child into something. It's not my job to manage all the tasks and make sure they look good and make sure their stuff's turned in and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so there's this clarity, I think grand. Some grandparents have, not all grandparents get this clarity, but some do where they realize like, this is precious, they are little this once. And so like, and that they were. I mean, those two people in my life were a source of delight and feeling wanted. And they're a part of why I had so many effed up issues because of how they raised my parents. You know, it's not like they're, it's. It's complicated. It's complicated. But I think that lesson, you know, is, man, there's so many things that we aren't going to do in our parenting or we can't do because of circumstances, but one thing we can figure out how to do is to make sure that that moment when we are reunited with our kids, when they come home from school or when they wake up in the morning that they see on our faces. I'm so glad you're here. You know, because they are gone all too soon. They are grown all too soon. And so making sure that they know. I call it the dog treatment. You know, it's what dogs do for us. They're like, I love you. I love you. I'm so glad you're home. I can't believe you're here, you're the best person in the world. Like that our kids could feel that from us. There's an incredible protection from that type of delight.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yeah. And you try. I think when you read your words about your grandparents, it's like, you try, you try. I mean obviously you're always going to have your day to day things. You're gonna have to work. You're trying to support these children. But maybe if you could let go that. I'm talking to myself like, I mean I already have kind of let go. Like how do my kids look? I don't know. Yes. Everyone's hair is always like not now because I've got older daughters so they like deal with their own hair. But like for the young, when they were younger, I'm like, just put in a ponytail.

[Eli Harwood]

Let's just put it. Anything. Anything. Totally. We joke. My friend, my husband has a friend who whenever he sees our kids he's like, I mean they look kind of homeless. So I'm with you.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Right. If you can have that perspective of the grandparent, which is that. And for some kids, they don't have any relationship with their grandparent because their grandparent has always already passed away. Or like you said, some are not doting. You know, they're down in Florida golfing. So. But if we can grab that perspective of positive. This just blut dump it on of positive attention, it will be so good for the child's development. So you say children who have the advantage of a secure attachment experience have a far more stable and secure trajectory in life. This is long term benefits. So in raising securely attached kids, you talk about emotions as well. Emotional intelligence is a massive advantage to our children's lifelong resilience. Can you talk about how feelings are for feelings.

[Eli Harwood]

Feelings.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Feelings are for feeling. I said it wrong.

[Eli Harwood]

Feelings are for feeling. Yeah. We, we are hardwired to feel because it's, it's one of our protective factors. So human beings feel our feelings in order to move us towards the things we need and away from the things that could harm us. And what gets kind of lost, I would say like in the modern culture is how much our feelings are helpers and, and that we can't use our feelings as helpers if we aren't able to tolerate what we feel. So our kids need our help learning how to feel their feelings so that they don't either shut down when feelings enter their body, which would maybe ignore a need or ignore some kind of danger they need to look out for or on the other end drown in their feelings so that they can't differentiate what's going on in their world. And we all know people who drown in their feelings and they're not usually very resilient. Right. And I think the myth is that if you shut down your feelings, that then you're resilient. But we have lots of data that says the opposite. You know, it's in our feelings that we. We trust ourselves and that we move towards people that we feel warmth from, that we move away from, people that we feel tricky, yucky energy from. You know, it's. It's so important that we learn how to feel what we feel. And that's really what the second book is, is like. I wanted to give every parent who didn't have mature parents the opportunity to really understand the wisdom of your body, the wisdom of your emotions, and how to feel them without shutting down or blowing up so that your kids can gain that inheritance from you.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Oh, it's so good. So you bring up feelings in raising securely attached kids, talking about you're kind of laying the groundwork. Right? Feelings are for feeling, feelings are for sharing. Emotions come in like waves. They're going to come up, they're going to go down, they're not going to last forever. It's going to happen all over again. You talk about anger, you talk about confidence, but then in this book, how to deal with your feelings so your kids don't have to. I was just shocked, really, first of all, how many feelings there are and how helpful. I mean, it's so helpful every single one you go through. So, such as how to deal with feeling with shame. You have further reading, you have trusty tidbits. I mean, you can just, you can thumb through and find what you're dealing with, or you can read it through, you know, from front cover to back and really get the sense that, well, there's a lot of feelings that we're going to deal with and there are ways to deal with them all. So let's talk about a couple of them that people I think would expect to be in a book about feelings, Anger, obviously, is a top one. So you say anger is an. Is an emotion that signals to us and to others that we are feeling desperate or violated about something. It is a lighthouse. It is a helper.

[Eli Harwood]

This is mind blowing for you. I love, I love. I want to know, what were you taught? What were you taught about anger?

[Jenny Ayrton]

I think nothing. You're kind of taught, like just to stuff it or don't blow up.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah, I think a lot of People are taught it's dangerous.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yeah. It's certainly not viewed as positive. A helper in a lighthouse. You're like, what?

[Eli Harwood]

Huh?

[Jenny Ayrton]

But then when you explain it, it makes a lot of sense.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah, I think anger gets a bad reputation because it often gets caught up with what I say are some bad influences. And then generationally, if. If anger has been caught up with bad influences in your family system, then the message around anger could be like, don't do it. Don't feel it. I mean, lots of kids get in trouble for feeling angry. Or there's a. There's a layer of anger equals violence angle. Anger equals danger. Or anger could equal disconnection. But anger is really an emotion that is attempting to bring us to a need. So if we're feeling violated in relationship, our anger is rising up so that we can say, hey, I don't like it when you do that. This is what it feels like. This is what I need. So the other person can go, oh, my gosh, I didn't realize that was the impact that was having on you. How can I. How can I do this in a way that meets my need and makes you feel less violated? You know, or if it is desperateness. Kids feel anger a lot because it's hard for them to communicate their tender needs. And so anger will come in to try and help us see the importance or the volume of something that they're experiencing. And we really have to be careful not to try to tamp down their anger. Like, stop that. To say it in a more quiet way so that then I can hear it. It's like, oh, okay. You know, if a kid is angry and we give them our full attention and we go, what is it? Help me understand. The anger goes away on its own. The anger is only there. It's like the body calls anger in when the other signals and cues aren't working. Whether that's because a child is two years old and they can't use those other cues yet, or because someone has tried and tried and tried to help us understand something, and we just have had thick skull and didn't get it. You know, Happens to me all the time. I got a real thick skull. So, you know, the. The way of viewing anger is, what need is this lighthouse directing me towards as a way to try and protect this relationship or my child from crashing on the rocks? Well, in order for us to do that, we have to get comfortable with our own anger. We have to go, whoa, wait a minute. The sensation. I mean, it's simply a sensation. In your body. It's like you gotta go pee, you gotta go poo. Your body sends you sensations. That's what your body is trying to do to help you. It doesn't want you to defecate all over yourself. It wants to send you to the toilet.

[Host 1]

I've been doing a bit of spring reset with my closet, trying to simplify things and focus on pieces that actually work. Not more clothes, just better ones. Things that are well made, easy to mix and match and that I don't have to think twice about. That's really why I love Quince. The quality is there, the fit is right, and the pricing feels really fair. Quince makes everyday staples with premium materials like 100% European linen, organic cotton and really soft, comfortable denim. And many of their pieces start around $50. Their spring styles are especially great because they're lightweight and breathable, but still look polished. You can throw something on and feel ready for the day. They also carry that same level of quality into their accessories. Their leather bags are made from 100% hand woven Italian leather and look far more expensive than they actually are. And I love that Quinn's works directly with ethical factories and skips the middleman. You're getting high quality pieces without paying inflated retail prices. I've been wearing their linen tops on repeat lately. The fabric surprised me. It feels durable but still really comfortable. And the price is honestly something I had to double check. Refresh your spring wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com outside for free shipping and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. Go to Q u I n quince.com outside for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com outside okay, if your home is feeling a little chaotic coming out of winter, way day is a perfect time to reset. From April 25th through the 27th, Wayfair is offering up to 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything. So it's a great time to actually tackle those spaces that aren't quite working for us. It's less about decorating and more about function. We needed a better outdoor setup going into spring and a few upgrades inside. Things like storage, shelving, and pieces that help our home support our daily rhythm. Wayfair made that really simple. You can narrow everything down by size, color, price, read reviews, compare options, and actually feel good about what you're ordering. And I really appreciate Wayfair Verified. Knowing that their team has already checked products for quality makes it easier to shop without second guessing every decision. The whole process from Browsing to delivery was smooth, everything arrived quickly, and there are even options for assembly if you want that extra help, which is huge for busy families, Wayday is the sale to shop the best deals in home. We're talking up to 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything. Head to Wayfair.com April 25th through the 27th to shop Wayday. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair Every style, every home this time of the year in homeschooling, you can really feel the shift. You're looking ahead to spring goals, end of year milestones, and making sure your kids feel confident in what they've learned. It's such a key window to reinforce those foundational skills before wrapping things up. And if you're thinking about assessments, whether that's something required or something you've set for your family, having clarity on where your child stands can make all the difference. That's where a tool like IXL can be incredibly helpful. IXL is an award winning online learning platform that fits seamlessly into homeschooling. It offers interactive practice across math, language arts, science and social studies from Pre K through 12th grade. It personalizes learning for each child, keeps them engaged, and gives parents clear insight into progress. What really stands out is the real time feedback and progress tracking. Kids get immediate explanations when they miss something and you can clearly see growth over time. What's solid? What needs reinforcement without guessing? It helps build real confidence heading into the finish line, make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and 1000 Hours Outside listeners can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixl.com 1000hours. Visit ixl.com 1000hours to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price.

[Eli Harwood]

And so anger is saying, I don't want you to lose this relationship. I don't want you to physically feel unsafe. I want you to get what you need. So if you can learn how to tolerate it. And there's obviously a lot more in that chapter to kind of help you understand anger and what to do with it, there's an incredible amount of trust that happens. Think about someone in your life who you could call and be like, I'm so mad about, blah blah, blah, blah, blah blah blah. And they would be like, oh my gosh, that makes so much sense.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Oh yeah, it just, it just, it

[Eli Harwood]

goes away because it's not necessary.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Sure, maybe not for everybody, but like it does just Feel like then it dissipates.

[Eli Harwood]

Well, then the underlying stuff comes out, too, you know, like, and that's like, so often when kids receive empathy in response to anger, they melt down into tears because the anger got you there. The anger got the parent to the point of awareness. And now it doesn't. It's like, okay, I'm good. I'm going back to bed. But the underlying stuff can come out.

[Jenny Ayrton]

I read this book by Gordon Neufeld. He talks about attachment. And then this woman, Deborah McNamara, called Rest, Play, Grow. And they use this phrase. And now I'm talking about it all the time, because I never heard it ever. And it was called tears of futility. And I was like, oh, my gosh, like, this is the end, all, be all. It's like you have. There are so many futile situations in life where, like, you're using these, you feel desperate because you know you didn't win the game. Or there's so many things for small kids, but then for young kids, and there's things for adults, too, where, like, this thing isn't going to change. So you cry your tears of futility. And the tears are the healing part of what's happening. And they talked about, if you can cry, you know, this is a good sign of emotional health. And anyway, I was just. I mean, I just learned it in the last month, Eli, and I was like, oh, I've been missing out here on a lot of important things. But like you say, this comes in waves. It comes and it goes. And I think sometimes we're afraid for ourselves and for our kids that's going to stick around forever. But obviously, if we're logical about it. But it's hard to be logical when you're mad. If you're. Then you know that, like, stuff does come and go. I love the book in the positioning of helping the parent. I think so often the books are about helping the kid. How do I help my kid deal with anger, how to help my kid deal with anxiety, how to help my kid deal with shame, jealousy? This is very much geared toward you as the adult. So can you talk about this, like, phrase using a phrase like, I wouldn't have ever thought about using this phrase ever. Mommy is mad and needs some space to let out her anger.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah, well, think of yourself as your child's primary emotion mentor. You know, your kid learns how to eat watching you use a fork. They also learn how to feel watching you deal with your feelings. And so if you want to help your kids, the most important thing you do is you. You learn how to show them an array of healthy ways they can cope with what they feel. And so, you know, if I'm in a place where I'm. I'm bursting with anger, and I can feel that anger is about to get caught up with some of those bad influences, you know, like a strong, reactive behavior response to my anger, or maybe, like, I want some mean words that come out and. But I show to my kids, like, I need a break. Whew. That's a powerful thing to teach a kid. I mean, oh, my gosh, the amount of domestic violence that happens in the world, because adults, mostly men, do not know how to pause when they are angry and reset their nervous system and then find their words and their need and come back. It's crazy how many people are hurt by that. And so I think, you know, you can say, like, hey, I need a minute. I'm having. I'm having a lot of anger in my body, and I need a little bit of space to calm myself down, and then I'll be back. And what you aren't saying is, my anger is bad. My anger is dangerous. What you're saying is, this is what I need in order to. To figure out what I need. And then kids can learn how to do that. They can learn how to say, mom, I need a minute. Leave me alone for a minute. I'm feeling mad. I don't want to say something I'm going to regret. You're like, I'm so proud of you. I'll be right in the other room. I'm here when you need me. Or when you're ready.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Wow, Eli, it's so good. And it. It does drive home the point that this is a wave. You're. It's like riding a wave. It's gonna go. It's not gonna be there for forever. And what a. What a lesson to learn. So that's one that's in the book. And like you said, there's a lot more in it than the sort of little bit that we're talking about right now. But then it does also end. Each emotion ends with additional resources. So a list of five, six, you know, books.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah. Because here's my thought. I. Well, here's what I wrote. This book is that I've been a therapist for now. It's almost 19 years. And I have watched people mess up their relationships with their kids while trying to love their kids. So their goal was to love their kids, but in their anxiety, their kids found them intrusive or in their Anger, their kids found them scary, or in their, you know, grief, their kids found them fragile. And so the child doesn't experience that secure attachment and the parent is befuddled. They're like, what happened? I loved you so much. Everything I did, I did for you. And so, so I wanted to write the book that was like, hey, these are the things that could get in between you and your kids if you don't know how to deal with them emotionally. These are the most common things. And everyone's going to have different versions of this. You know, like when I wrote a lot of these chapters for myself, no big surprise there, but not all of them. I don't struggle with every single one of the things in this book, but I know somebody who does. And so you're going to pick up the book and you're going to read one, and there might be a couple in there that you get everything you need from the chapter I wrote. You're like, that's all I needed. I got it. That's what I needed. But there are likely going to be one or two in there that you read it. And you're like, oh, dear Lord, this is big. This is mine. And so I wanted there to be, you know, other avenues for you to go, okay, I would like to read more about this because this, this is, for instance, there's a chapter on how to deal with feeling traumatized. It's like a six page chapter. Obviously, I can't like, like write everything about dealing with trauma in six pages. I hope it gives you a lot of clarity. And then there's other resources there so that you can go from, you know, the basics of what it looks like to deal with your trauma into some other areas of growth for you and care for you.

[Jenny Ayrton]

I love that. I mean, there's a lot of books for each emotion that you would be able to go find. And, and also I think by doing that, I think by doing that, Eli, it just, just makes you feel less alone. It makes you feel like there's a lot of hope for me. So I loved that part of the book that each, every single emotion had all these additional resources that you could use. So we talked to them about anger. There's anxiety is in there. There's a lot of emotions in there. I want to talk about one that I was not expecting at all. Body disgust.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah, let's talk about it. Okay, we want to know.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Well, first of all, I just wanted to let you know that I was surprised it was in there and glad it was in there. I was like, oh, I've never really considered this. I've never heard anybody talk about it too much. So can you talk about how much do you, I guess as a. As working with women and families and couples and how often I, you know, hear people talk about anxiety all the time. I don't really hear people talk about body disgust. I mean, there's always the body positivity movement and that type of thing, but not about the emotion of it. So.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah, because it's shameful. Because people feel ashamed. Yeah, you're, you're supposed to look a very particular way and you're not supposed to hate yourself for the way you look. What a terrible bind to be in. And so like, there's, there's an unspeakableness around this, I think for a lot of people, but it's very common and it's very much affects our kids. So we, like I talked about being a feelings mentor. We also mentor our children on, on the beliefs they hold about their bodies. And if we hate our bodies or we're in active hate or we're in active disgust around our bodies, our kids feel that they absorb it. And that might mean that they learn that about their own bodies. It also might mean that they are, you know, cautious about us. You know, we want our kids to feel like we aren't too fragile or too hard. They want, you know, I always say we want to be like a couch parent. Right. You don't want to be like a beanbag where they're like, whoa, there's no structure here. There's nothing to lean on. And you also don't want to be like a steel bench where like, no one, no one wants you. Oh, yes. No one wants to sit there for very long. Right. Like you want to be the couch where it's like you're sturdy enough and you're soft enough. And the way we feel about our bodies, you know, our bodies are ourselves. And so if, if we are, for instance, you know, someone says something about us and we, we talk in a denigrating way about our bodies. We're teaching our kids that what matters most about your body is how it looks. And if they don't have a body that fits the beauty standard. Now we've just added some panic. So you said people don't talk about anxiety, but there's a lot. Or people do talk about anxiety. There's a lot of anxiety in body disgust. Best. I'm not worthy. I'm too much. I'm not enough. And I, you know, this Plays out very differently depending on the body you're in. It's one of the most important gifts that we give to our kids is figuring out how to love our bodies. And I don't mean I'm so hot. I think I'm hot. That's not. That's not loving our bodies.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Like, no, it is tricky because then you throw in aging. And, you know, we've talked about this on the show before for just briefly, but I'm like, oh, every ad that I get served up ever is about, like, your jawline and your face and your skin and your wrinkles. And you can buy this thing that if it massages your neck and it's gonna drain your inflammation. And I'm like, every single ad is about my skin. And so then you're like, and about

[Eli Harwood]

how it's wrong and how it's not doing what it's supposed to do, you know, And. And every. And because they're selling you something, right? And. And I write about it in there like, that. You know, marketing is a big part of our body dysmorphia and our body hatred is that it's like, oh, well, I need something else. And so someone's selling you something. Yeah, I don't know. There's something. But when you think about the people in your life that you feel, like, raw desire to be around, I guarantee it has nothing to do with their jawline.

[Jenny Ayrton]

It's like your grandparents.

[Eli Harwood]

It's their presence. And that's what I say. You know, the opposite of. The opposite of hating your body is not believing you're beautiful. It's believing that your presence is more powerful than your appearance.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yeah.

[Eli Harwood]

That's what we want our kids to learn. And this is a daily wrestle. I'm a woman in the world, you know? Like, I have. It's not like, oh, I have no disgust towards my body ever. Like, that's not real. And that also wouldn't help our kids because they're going to go through those things. The goal is to rebel and resist against that, you know, energy of self hatred and to go, oh, I was just having some hard feelings about my body. I'm going to take a minute and I'm going to think. I mean, I'm a weirdo, but, like, I will actually think my cardiovascular system. I'll be, like, imagining, like, all of the, like, different dendrites. Not dendrites. That's your brain. The village.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Well, but the cardiovascular system does affect your brain.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Okay.

[Eli Harwood]

Anyway. But, like, I will literally go, but I'll Imagine like the, that my body has a system that is currently pumping blood to every heart without any direction from me. I mean, I guess maybe my brain is directing it, but any conscious direction from me and I'll, and I'll, I'll just sit there and I'll think it or like, I'll think my pinky toes for the fact that, like, that without them I would have a harder time being balanced. And I'm not very balanced. So I need them, like just moving into that place of, of self love and self gratitude so that our kids can learn that too. Because a lot of time, money, energy is spent on, especially for women, hating our bodies. And what a generational cycle breaking if we radically turn the tables for our kids.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yeah, it's a marvel at your body. When you brought up, you know, who are the people that you just love to be in their presence, it reminded me of the conversation we started at the beginning with the grandparents. And the grandparents certainly are not fitting the bill for, like, you know, the model on the front of the magazine. I mean, my grandmother had so many chin hairs. I mean, I think she had hairs all over her face. And she just probably had given up. And she was odd. She was a rather odd woman. I mean, she just, I think she was a kind of brilliant, but also just odd. So she would just quote things. She just talked and talked and talked.

[Eli Harwood]

But like, you love being around people.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yeah, they just talk about love and being around their grandparents and they're, you know, they're not looking like a supermodel. So I, I have this bolded in, in red. The opposite of body. Hatred isn't believing that we're beautiful or that our bodies are flawless. It's believing that our presence is what makes us valuable. Our unapologetic. Our unapologetic embrace of our bodies gives others permission to unapologetically embrace theirs. It's good. Marvel at your body. So I love that that was in there, like all the other emotions. That's something that's a big struggle for you. There's all these other resources that you could go to. And then more obviously than we've talked about in this conversation about that topic. Okay, so we've talked about one that people would be expecting. Anger, one that I wasn't expecting, which was body disgust. Here's one that I think would be expected, but you have a really interesting twist on it and really practical ideas. So loneliness. Okay, so the surgeon general came out, right? Everyone's lonely. Parents especially, I think are lonely. So a couple Things that you said that I thought were really intriguing. Here's the first. Loneliness has a fragrance

[Eli Harwood]

our kids can feel when we're lonely. They can feel it on us. Because, you know, when we talk about that wiring for relationship and wiring for connection. Like, human beings wilt when they haven't been watered with connection. We wilt. You know, you look at a plant that hasn't been watered for a while, and you're like, oh, that's not good. It needs something. And I. You know, we can feel loneliness on other people, and our kids can definitely feel it on us. Us.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Okay. So it's got this fragrance and you say, make a connection plan. So this is really practical. We can talk about that. But a little. A little just, you know, insert of, anticipate some duds. I love that.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah. Because, you know, it is not. It is not easy work. Honestly, most of the things that I'm offering for us to do here, there's like, like, easy, practical things you can do. But that doesn't make it easy work. And the work of dealing with your loneliness. Oh, it is like logger kind of work. You know, like, you're out there, you're sawing the tree down, and it's taken lots of time, and you get one tree after multiple days. So if you go out into the world to, you know, be like, okay, I'm gonna work on my loneliness. I'm gonna try and make some more friends so that my kids don't feel like they have to be, you know, my social energy. You're gonna go out there into the world. You're like, I'm gonna sign up for a bingo night. You're gonna go to that bingo hall, and you're gonna be like, oh, my, everyone's 82. Yeah. Yeah, this was not my place. I actually really love going to bingo halls anyway. But there's, like, they're going to be many attempts at connection that end up with.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Does there are the stick we have to stick at the bingo hall. I've never. I've never been to one. Tell us.

[Eli Harwood]

I just. Okay. I've only been like, four times, so I shouldn't make it seem like I'm a real regular, because if someone was a real regular, they'd know real quickly that I'm not. But, like, the few times I've gone, the amount of joy that comes when someone gets a bingo. I mean, like, we're all just walking through life, like, hoping for a bingo. And you go into bingo hall and people are getting them. They're getting Real bingos. And one time I won a thousand dollars at a bingo hall. Kind of awesome.

[Jenny Ayrton]

What is the average age?

[Eli Harwood]

Oh, I have no idea. I'm old, you know, Definitely old. It's definitely not my age. I went when I was in like my 20s a few times and was like, this is so much fun. Why, why is not everyone doing this? But I'm weird, obviously.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Well, I love that you did that. I mean, I, I think I, I. People play bingo all the time. You know, they get those, do a dot marker things, right?

[Eli Harwood]

And I, that was half of my reason for going. Those things are so satisfying. They just. The way on the paper. It's so nice I have them at home for my kids because I like them so much. We just use them as like, markers. They're so fun. Anyway. Squirrel.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Okay, but that's your point. Your point is you got, you're getting out to do stuff. But, and, and I think when you're a younger kid and you're in school with, you know, eight or nine other. Let's say you're in the second grade and there's eight or nine other girls that you want to be friends with, and you're like, well, some you're going to click with and some you're not. Yes, that's a lot of options.

[Ad Reader]

Maybe.

[Jenny Ayrton]

I mean, classes are even bigger now. So let's say there's 14 girls to choose from. And you're like, you find one or two that you really click with with. To go through 14 people as an adult and be like, oh, that's like

[Eli Harwood]

something's, something's wrong with me. That's what I see my clients do a lot when they're on this mission to deal with their loneliness. They go out in the world and they're like, okay, I'm gonna try some things. I'm gonna join a running club. I'm gonna go to bingo. I'm gonna do whatever. And then they're like, nothing. I got nothing and no one. Something must be wrong with me or the people that I want to find just aren't out there. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no, you can't give up yet. Like, that was, that was one place. And it, it, you know, it's, it's like fishing. You have to be patient. You're gonna pull up a boot, you're gonna pull up a can, you're gonna pull up a tiny little minnow. But eventually you stay there long enough with the right bait. And you, by way, are always the right bait. Whoever you are. You're the right bait. You're funny, you're smart, you're caring, you're intuitive, you're. Whatever you are, you're the right bait for the right fish. Hang in there and you will find you will get enough fishes to feed yourself. But don't stop fishing just because you pulled up a dud.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Please, I want to read it. Not every firecrack you buy is going to work. Sometimes things just don't work out. That doesn't mean you're broken or unworthy of connection. It just means it wasn't the right fit or the right timing. When a relationship doesn't pan out, ask yourself if. If there's something to learn going forward, and if not, just chalk it up to you win some, you lose some. Don't let it deter you from continuing your mission to address your isolation. Anticipate duds. I have found in my life that. That there are some. There are. I don't know if it's a lot. You're going to know better than me. There are some people who have built in a family that they've maintained close relationships with. Now, obviously, some families are really dysfunctional, but there are some women that, like, they've got sisters, they've got cousins that they grew up with, that they're close with. They've got extended aunts and uncles, and so they don't even need anybody.

[Eli Harwood]

Totally. I'm not that person. So I. But. And I've definitely encountered that, too. And then you're like, well, why don't you want me?

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yeah, because their things are already full and they're fine.

[Eli Harwood]

Yes, yes. Or they need less. You know, like, all of us have different levels of relational need in terms of, like, frequency or type of connection. Like, I am not a small talk gal. I hate small talk. So, like, I have no need to be at a big party with a bunch of people talking about that nonsense. But I do need to have, like, rich, dynamic conversations that stimulate my heart and my brain. And so, like, I'm looking for people like that, but not everybody's looking for that. Like, we live in Colorado, and my husband and I will kind of reference, like, what we call the Colorado, Colorado people who, like, the only thing they really want to talk about is, like, the Rockies or the Broncos or the abs or the climbing or the skiing. They're just like, their whole thing is Colorado. That's what they're about. And like, I. So I'm. If I'm looking for deep intellectual, emotional stimulation and I meet a Colorado Colorado person. We're not gonna click because we just have very different needs. And again, it doesn't mean something's wrong with me or something's wrong with them. It's just like you're looking for someone to watch the abs with, and I need someone to help me deconstruct reality. So we have different needs. And that's. That's okay. You're not my people. That's okay.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yeah. Anticipate dads and you realize that the pool is smaller than. Because you're like, oh, it could be any woman, anyone out there. And then they're like, no, there's a lot of people that don't need. There's a lot of people, like you said, that maybe have a different outlook or it's just not going to click. Okay, so lonely's in there. Feeling judged. Being jealous of your children. Defensive. Powerless. Regretful. Let's talk about sad.

[Host 1]

That.

[Jenny Ayrton]

That's one that I think you would expect to be in there. You say, as a therapist, I think sadness is incredibly valuable.

[Eli Harwood]

Can you explain why I'm such a Debbie Downer? Well, I see sadness as different than despair, and I think that's really important for people to highlight because we tend to group those together. But sorrow, or pure, unadulterated sadness, is what our body does to help us process loss and grief. And that could be a heartbreak. I have a good friend who just had a heartbreak that just devastated her recently, and she's so sad. The sadness is the sensation in her bodies, the emotion in her bodies that is trying to help her make sense of what happened and move her from where she is to somewhere else. From what was into what is into what will be was another way to say it. And so when we're facing sadness, we are actually just like. I don't know, this is a little cheesy, but it's like we're going to the river. We're being cleansed by the sadness. It's helping us, you know, get through this hard loss of some kind. Despair is what happens when we get kind of stuck in the mire of the hard thing, and we don't. We don't allow ourselves to get cleaned. We don't allow ourselves to move through it. And so despair is hopeless. Despair is this bad thing happened, which means that everything is bad from here on out. And so I think people sometimes are afraid of sadness because they think it's despair. But it really, like when we come to each other and we cry and we say, I'm so sad this happened My son, he worked so hard for this battle of the books this week. He read 10 books. He studied, he wrote notes. He did all this stuff fifth grade, and. And he and his team won the school battle of the books. But then they were into this, like, district one yesterday, and they didn't go on to the next round. And he was so sad. He was like, why did I even do all that? Was it even worth it? You know? And, like, that sorrow was, like, helping him process. After I successfully got him to go to sleep, he woke up and he feels better. But had he never cried yesterday, he wouldn't have woken up feeling better.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Wow.

[Eli Harwood]

Because it would have been stuck in his system, you know?

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yeah. The tears of futility.

[Eli Harwood]

I know. It's literally when you said that phrase, I was like, slate book. That's exactly what's happening yesterday. Yeah.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yeah. Well, I think that's a good illustration where. To further the conversation where you talk about that grief is a great time to grow your village. Sadness is a threat of belonging. Because I think often we think of ourselves as very alone in moments of. Of deep grief and sadness like that. That provided a connection point between you and your son.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, we have a neighbor who. The kindergartner and a second grader, and the dad just passed away from colon cancer. And it's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking. And. And in some ways, they are alone in it. Right. In the sense that none of us lost our dad or husband. So there's an aloneliness. However, never more has the neighborhood been interested in this family than right now, because there is. There's an understanding that we could all. It could be all of us. And so people want to bring the meal, people want to be at the funeral. People want to, like, take that kid for a play date. And it's because we're wired for that. We're supposed to be doing that. And so when you are in a state of grief, let other people know. Let other people in and not everybody. Again, some of the duds are going to be like, whoa, those are some big feelings. I don't want to have to do anything with that. But find the people who do care and. And let them get to know you on a much deeper level. They will fall more in love with you. Like, we fall more in love with people in the details of who they are, not in the, you know, grand statement of who they are. It's in the details. It's in understanding. You know, this is when he got diagnosed, and this is what we thought it would be. And. And this is how it's gone, and this is what the doctor said, and here we are now, and that's where we fall in love with people.

[Jenny Ayrton]

You are. It is common for people to want to avoid sadness at all costs, but as a therapist, I think sadness is incredibly valuable. So you go through a long list of emotions that you might feel and you might feel strongly as you're. As you're parenting. And you framed it up at the beginning by saying, there's a lot of gifts that you give your kids if you're a secure parent. So you read about each of these emotions, you learn to become relatively emotionally mature. I love that you threw the word relatively in there. One of the most important things we can do for our children is learn how to maturely handle the tricky feelings that inevitably arise inside us as parents. I'm still regularly blindsided by the intense onset of emotions that come with being a parent. So you go through all these emotions, and then you talk about habits. So that comes next. Different habits. And I would love to talk about the numbing one. You talked about your dad with alcohol. But you say, when we numb to cope, we also disappear. We might not disappear entirely, but this is not a moral failure. So how do we deal with the numbing habit?

[Eli Harwood]

So what you want to think about when you think about emotions is our ability to tolerate what we feel and cope with what we feel and manage what we feel is how we develop emotional maturity. But if you didn't have an emotion mentor that could show you that, you know, you might have grown up in a home where the only mentorship was quit your belly aching, you know, stop it. Then what you had to do was adapt with other coping habits. And the whole second half is all of these different habits that are really just attempts at coping with what you feel will. And if these things continue in parenthood, will they become barriers to your kids being able to rely on you? Because you won't be emotionally reliable if you're numbed out. So a numbing habit is what we develop when there's no one in the room to help buffer our feelings with us. There's no one to say, you're sad. Come here, I got you. It makes sense that you're sad. You really wanted to win the battle of the books. You worked so hard. That was really disappointing. And so if there's no one there to say that or. Or the. Or the response is like, oh, please. Oh, so sorry I didn't win the book thing.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yeah, your Neighbor just lost their dad.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah, yeah, right, exactly. Then you have to find a way to deal with that feeling as a child. And so you learn how to numb. And numbing has, you know, can be a lot of different things. Numbing can be, you know, disassociative. Eating, like, I'm just going to eat until I can't feel anymore because I'm just trying to make the feelings go away. Numbing can be, you know, picking at your skin. Numbing can be substances. Numbing can be scrolling. Oh, my Lord, the scrolling. I'm really working hard on trying to reduce my scrolling. But, you know, so when you have a numbing habit, you're coping with your emotions by distancing yourself from what you feel. But when you do that, that means you go into a dissociative state. And your kids can feel that. I mean, we all know that, right? You're talking to someone and they're not really listening to you or they're in the room technically, but, like, they don't notice that you've got tears streaming down your face because they're drunk or they're on their phone or they're wherever. And so, yeah, it's really important to not use numbing as our way to cope with what we feel.

[Jenny Ayrton]

And what an interesting day and age when there are so many options that are just socially acceptable. It's socially acceptable to be on your phone or, you know, to watch Netflix series. It's actually like, that's what then people are talking about.

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah.

[Jenny Ayrton]

And so, gosh.

[Eli Harwood]

And it's not all bad. Right? Like, the phone is how we find so many important pieces of information. I mean, I run my mouth on the Internet, so, like, I'm a part of the problem. However, it's really about how we relate to it. You know, like, at the end of the day, you put your kids to bed and you're like, I'm so tired. I'm just gonna watch Bridgerton. Fine. That's not a numbing habit that's causing any kind of problem. The problem is when it's the only thing you rely on and it's chron intruding on your presence with your kids.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. You talk about if you don't let these emotions come and go, you become tough. And this. This actually from the other book, this from Raising Securely Attached Kids, where you talk about how toughness is. Toughness is not resilience. It's what we develop when there is no one capable of helping us process our emotions and Experience the regulated state that comes from empathetic. Did I say that right?

[Host 1]

Empathetic care.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Empathetic care. Oh, there's a lot to learn here. I love. I think that the books just pair so well together. You know, it's like you lay this foundation of what kids need and why they need it, and then you. You take it further, which is like, well, here's how to deal with the things that you may not even know you needed to deal with. Yeah. Like the anger one, I think, is a huge example of someone who maybe would try to never feel angry because they think it's just wrong. And you explain actually why it's helpful and. And what people can do with it. So all these feelings in here, this incredible book. You have an appendix at the end. How to write an I wish I had known letter. How to get your partner to read something. I love that, Eli, because you're like, learning and growing, and you're like, wait a minute. Like, I need you to be on board. So that's in the book. These are very, very valuable resources. How to deal with your emotions so your kids don't have to. And it's encyclopedia for ditching your emotional baggage and also raising securely attached kids. Using connection focused parenting to create confidence, empathy, and resilience. There's also uniquely us. Can you tell people about the Secure Parent program and where they can find it?

[Eli Harwood]

Yeah. So I wanted everybody who needed a place to learn the process of being a secure parent. You got my books. You can read it through the books. But there is something about being in a group. There's something about being connected to other people in that learning process. So the Secure Parent program is a virtual lifetime program. When you sign up, you get to be a part of Honesty Hour is what we call it. It's our support groups for parents run by my coaches. And then I do live Q&As every month. So we can kind of like go over a specific scenario. If it's like, yeah, okay, I get it. But then my kid put ice cream all over my cat. What do I do now? Because that happened in my house. Had to to toe. Head to toe. That's in. That's in the second book. You can learn about that story there. But, you know the nitty gritty of it.

[Jenny Ayrton]

You can learn about regret.

[Eli Harwood]

Yes, yes. That's the one. That's the chapter. And there's a pay what you can option. So if you're like, I really could use the support. I need some help learning this because I. I'm unlearning some really toxic stuff from what I grew up in. If you can pay, great. If you can't pay, great. Everybody, everybody come in and let's try and help you feel, feel seen and supported so that your kids get to feel seen and supported by you.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Ah, so many resources. Eli, this has been fantastic. I love these books. I got a lot out of them, a lot more. And I always feel like a jerk saying this, but more than I expected. You know, I'm like, oh, I'm gonna read a book about emotions. What am I gonna learn? And then I was like, oh, a lot.

[Eli Harwood]

And you've read a lot of books. I mean, we've all had that experience where you open the book and you're like, dreams. So bored. You're, like, trying to get yourself to keep reading. That's. I. I've always tried to write a book that makes people feel like, oh my gosh, I just want to keep reading because otherwise, why open a book? And the second book really is like, you don't have to read a whole book because we're all so tired and overwhelmed. So, like, pick the chapters. Yeah, you can, you know, you need. There's one on self doubt, like, if you doubt yourself a lot, like, get in there, read that chapter, like, and just move through it.

[Jenny Ayrton]

So, yeah, and you can. It's a good reference book to flip back to. And also with your own kids, you know, depending on their ages, but if they're dealing with with self doubt that shows up early.

[Host 1]

Right.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Like at school or, you know, then you can pull that open for them. You pull it out for them as well. Yeah.

[Eli Harwood]

And there's self compassion scripts, so you could also use those with your kids. So every chapter has like three self compassion. Self compassion scripts that you can say to yourself around that topic. Because I find it is really hard to feel compassionate with ourselves in general, but as parents, because we'll read these things and we go, oh, shoot, I've been messing that up. It's like, no, no, no, no. Start from a place of compassion. Here's why I was doing what I was doing. Here's what I'm going to work on doing different next time and helping your kids to do that same thing.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Huge congrats on this new book. It is quite the resource and one that I've not seen that similar, you know, in terms of the way that it's laid out and how quickly it can help you. You just thumb through for the thing that you're looking for. And there's more in there than you would expect. I was, like, I said, I was pleasantly surprised by a bunch of different emotions that I wouldn't have thought would be in there. So congratulations, Eli. Thank you for spending this time with us. We always end our show with the same question. What's a favorite memory from your childhood that was outside?

[Eli Harwood]

Oh, I was a pool rat. I loved swim team so much. And I have. I have this, like, deep embedded, like, feeling of, like, what it felt like to be like my feet on the warm pavement, like getting in it, out of the pool, like the whistles, the, like crowd of people all together outside in the pool. And when I've done EMDR in the past, which is a therapy technique, you. You're asked to create a calm place that you go to, to kind of help your nervous system. And for me, I'm always laying on the hot cement on the deck and the outside pool. And I just, I'm so thankful for those experiences that I had.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Okay, that's so intriguing to me because, guys, I did swim team in first and second grade on the dolphins, but it was inside because, yeah, different sensory experience. There's totally pool not that far from us that I was just looking at. I was like, oh, maybe our kids

[Host 1]

could do this in the summer.

[Jenny Ayrton]

It's outside and they have like a sink. A synchronized swim team.

[Eli Harwood]

Stop it. Do we need to join? Should you and I join? Should I move to Michigan so we can do this together?

[Jenny Ayrton]

Is 8 to 17. And I was like, I wonder if. Could we pass maybe?

[Eli Harwood]

I think we can.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Maybe if I bought all the things on the Internet for my skin, we could pass.

[Eli Harwood]

We just wear hats anyway. I love it.

[Jenny Ayrton]

But that's an interesting answer to me because for my swim team experience, it was all indoors. So completely different. I love, I love that you said that. No one else has ever said that answer, so.

[Eli Harwood]

Oh, I love being special. So that makes me.

[Jenny Ayrton]

Well, thank you for being here. Huge congrats on this book. How to deal with your emotions so

[Host 1]

your kids don't have to.

[Jenny Ayrton]

It's incredibly valuable. I think even more so in this day and age when there are a lot of options to numb out and there are a large amount of stressors and, you know, it's harder to get by than it used to be. So I know that parents are really going to appreciate it. Thanks for being here.

[Eli Harwood]

You are so fun and so well spoken. I wish, I wish you lived near me. I would have. I would collect you. I'd be like, like. And you're a part of the friend collection now. Thank you for having me.

[Ad Reader]

This podcast is brought to you by Carvana. Selling your car should feel like one less thing on your list. Not one more. With Carvana, it is. Just go to Carvana.com Enter your license plate or VIN and get a real offer. Down to the penny. No back and forth, no surprises. Just an experience you can trust. Like your offer. Accept it, schedule pickup and we'll come to you with a check in hand. Your car, your timeline, your terms. Visit Carvana.com to sell your car today. Delivery fees and terms may apply.