This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, say a series of words to relax your mind, replace a hectic interior monologue, maybe lull you to sleep, hopefully quell the mental uproar just for a little while. Today: nicknames for woodlice, and a list of cheeses from Great Britain and Ireland. If you need to skip the woodlouse content, go to the 5 minutes 45 seconds mark, whereupon the cheese begins.

Note: this is NOT a normal episode of the Allusionist, where you might learn something about language and your brain might be stimulated. The Tranquillusionist's purpose is to soothe your brain and for you to learn very little - perhaps just a couple of facts about woodlouse urination and a 9th-century saint.

Visit theallusionist.org/cheesy-cheesybobs for a transcript and more information about cheese and woodlice.

There's a collection of other Tranquillusionists at theallusionist.org/tranquillusionist, on themes including champion dogs, Australia's big things, gay animals, ex-constellations and more.

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