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The Autism Little Learners Podcast
#179: The 4-Letter Shift That Changes How You See Behavior!
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Today, I want to share something I care about a lot. And the funny thing is, it's actually called the CARE framework. It's a way of thinking about behavior that puts connection and the nervous system first. And it's built on one simple belief. They would if they could. See you inside the show. I'm Tara Phillips, and this is the Autism Little Learners podcast, where I share simple neuroaffirming tools to support young autistic children with compassion and confidence. So much of what we are trained to do in special education centers on behavior. We learned to notice it, chart it, reduce it, and reward its opposite. We were handed sticker charts and clipboard systems, and we were told in a hundred different ways that a calm and quiet classroom was a successful classroom. And we did our best with that. We showed up with good hearts and did exactly what we were taught. But over the years, many of us have started to notice that some something doesn't quite add up. We get the behavior to stop, and the child still seems to be struggling. We earn the compliance and we lose the connection. And we're left with a quiet feeling that there's something underneath it all that we're missing. That's what I want to talk about today. I want to walk you through a framework that we use inside the Autism Little Learners membership called CARE C A R E. It's a way of pausing and asking better questions when. When a child is struggling. And before we go any further, I want to name what it is and what it isn't. Care is not a behavior chart. It's not a token system. It's not a script for getting compliance. It's a lens, a way of slowing down and looking at behavior as information instead of a problem to make disappear. I'll be honest with you. I spent years thinking reducing behavior was a really important thing. The whole framework rests on one belief, and I want to say it before anything else, because once you really take it in, everything else shifts. They would if they could. When a child is struggling, we assume that capacity is missing, not motivation. If a child could handle the moment they're in, they would. The hitting, the dropping to the floor, the eloping, the shutting down, none of that is a child choosing to give us a hard time. It's a child having a hard time. Most of us were trained formally or informally to ask one question. When behavior shows up. How do I stop this? How do I stop the hitting? How do I stop the spitting? How do I stop the child from leaving the carpet? And you guys, you don't Even know how many emails I get every week and how many DMs asking questions really specific like that about behavior. And I understand that question completely because these behaviors can. Can be disruptive and some of them can be hurtful. Of course we want to help, but how do I stop? This is a compliance focused question. It keeps our eyes on the surface. Instead of going deep. CARE asks us to pause and shift to a different question. Instead of how do I stop this behavior? We ask, what might this child be experiencing? And how can I support them? This isn't about being permissive or just letting things go. It's about gathering better information before we act. Because the response we give a child's body is shaped by the question we ask. First behavior is communication. Let's sit with why that shift matters so much. Young children, and especially young autistic children, don't yet have a reliable way to tell us. I'm overwhelmed. This room is too loud. I don't understand what's coming next. I need help. Many of our students are still developing language, or at least an effective way to communicate what they're thinking. Some use aac. And many lose access to their words exactly when they need them most, when they're stressed. So the message comes out through the body instead, dropping to the floor, running, throwing, covering ears, refusing, crying, or going quiet. And still. We've all been taught to call all of that behavior, quote, unquote behavior, as if it was something separate from communication. But it isn't separate. Most of the time. It's the clearest communication the child has available in the moment. Behavior is a signal from the nervous system, not always a choice to misbehave. Three things hold this framework. Regulation, connection, and communication. Regulation means helping the body feel safe enough to learn because a dysregulated child can't reach their thinking brain. Connection is what makes regulation possible, because children borrow our calm long before they can find it on their own. And communication reminds us that behavior is language, telling us about their overwhelm, sensory needs, fatigue, and fear that the child can't yet put into words. So let's walk through the framework itself. CARE stands for connect, assess, respond, and expand skills. Four steps in order. And the order matters more than people realize. We tend to skip ahead. We jump to responding before we've connected. We try to teach before the body's regulated. Care slows us down so that we don't do that. C is for connect. Connection always comes before, correction, always. That way we never skip straight from C to R. When a Child's dysregulated. Their thinking brain is essentially offline. They have trouble accessing language in the way they normally would, whether it's verbal speech or AAC use. They have a harder time following directions. They can't problem solve with us when they're in this dysregulated state. So if we lead with words, with logic, or with consequences, we're talking to a brain that isn't available to hear us yet. Connection is what brings the brain back online. And here's what it actually looks like in those moments. A calm voice and slow body movements. Because our pace can become their permission to slow down. Getting down to the child's level or nearby or a little further away, depending on what the child prefers. Taking up less space, breathing simple, grounded language like I'm right here, you're safe. And matching their pace instead of trying to slow them down before we've met them where they are. This is co regulation. Children borrow our calm until they can find their own. Which means our regulated body is the regulating tool. Before we ever teach a child to take a deep breath, our breath is the one their body is reading. And here's the honest, slightly hard part. That means we have to manage our own nervous system too. We have to do it first. You can't pour calm out of an empty cup or a dysregulated cup. Sometimes the most helpful thing that we can do in a hard moment is take our own breath before we do anything else. A is for assessment. Once we're connected, the next question is what is the child telling me? This is where curiosity lives. Instead of assuming defiance or misbehavior, we look deeper. And there are six common areas to consider. The usual suspects when a body is overwhelmed. Sensory needs where the child's cup is too full or too empty. Think lights, noise, textures, crowding, communication. Differences where they might not have the words in this moment to tell us what's going on. Transitions or unpredictability, which can feel destabilizing, especially when they stack, demand sensitivity or anxiety. Where expectation feels too big right now, even if it didn't feel too big yesterday. Fatigue, hunger or illness. The basics that are so easy to forget and so often the answer and plain overwhelm. Too much input all at once. Notice that not one of these is about a child being naughty or choosing to make our day harder. Every single one is about the body that's struggling to manage what's being asked of it. And so often this assess step alone gives us the answer. R is for Respond. Once we have kind of a hypothesis about what's going on, we can respond. And this step looks different from what most people expect. Responding is not about consequences or making the behavior stop. It's about adjusting the conditions so the child's body can stop, settle first. That might mean reducing the demand temporarily, which is honestly the hardest one for most of us. The work can wait. A child in a stress response really isn't taking anything new in anyway. So let's lighten the load or set it down for now. It might mean adjusting the environment, lowering the lights, moving away from noise or crowds. It might mean offering sensory support like movement, deep pressure, quiet space. And it might mean visual supports, because predictability goes a long way when the world feels chaotic. Now, you might be thinking, but won't they just do it again? If they get out of work? Maybe, maybe not. But either way, come back to the foundation. They would if they could. If a child could handle the demand right now, they would. Reducing it isn't reinforcing avoidance, it's meeting reality. So. So we can get the child back to a place where they're actually available for learning. The focus really is never on controlling behavior. It's on supporting the nervous system. And that's the lens change. E is for expand skills. And this is a step we tend to rush to. We so badly want to teach in the hard moment, the deep breath, the break card, the words. But expand skills comes last. Learning takes place when the nervous system feels safe, regulated and connected, not in the middle of a stress response. Trying to teach during dysregulation is like trying to plant seeds in frozen ground. The conditions just aren't right yet. So we wait. We watch for calm, available moments, and then we teach gently. We model communication without expecting imitation, using aac, gestures, words or visuals, whatever that child uses. We teach functional ways to ask for help or a break or. All done. We practice regulation strategies on an ordinary Tuesday afternoon when everything is fine, not in the middle of the meltdown. We build independence through supported, predictable routines because predictability builds capacity. And we honor strengths and interests. Because what lights a child up isn't a distraction from learning, it's a doorway in. Skill building is a long game. The work happens in quiet, easy moments, not in the hard ones. Let me put this all together with a scenario that I know many of you have lived. It's the third transition of the morning. A child drops to the floor at the door, covers their ears and won't move. The room is loud. Other children are watching and notice the pressure in that moment, the noise, the audience, the schedule pressing on us. Our own nervous systems are activated too. So the very first thing we need to do is slow ourselves down and then we walk through care. We connect. We lower ourselves or have an adult already in the room lower themselves near the child. Softer voice, close without crowding. I'm right here. We keep talking to a minimum because we don't want to add to the stress response. We don't ask anything yet. We're just a regulated body next to a dysregulated one. Then we assess, we think, what might be happening here. It's the third transition, so the stacking may have caught up with them. The first one was fine, the second one was okay, and the third one pushed them over the edge. The room is loud, they're covering their ears. It's a clear signal. We're probably looking at sensory overload, difficulty with transitions and a tired body. So we respond, we keep co regulating and we pause the demand. We're not saying get up and let's walk. We don't actually need to be at the next activity in this exact second. We might offer to move to a quieter space, offer a sensory tool or a visual, or simply offer more time. Time is one of the best things we can give in these moments. And it's so often the hardest for us to hand over, given the pace of a classroom. And then later, when a child is calm and connected again, we expand skills. This is where we might introduce a break card so they have it next time, where we walk through the morning visually to make it more predictable. Where we plan the third transition differently for tomorrow, maybe with a transition object for them to hold. Here's something that surprises people. The whole care process might take about three minutes for some kids. On some days, we tend to assume it will take much longer. What actually takes longer is a full meltdown and us going head to head in a power struggle with them and escalating the stress response. And those are the times that we usually skip, connect and jump right to respond. And it can make everything a lot worse. As you're listening today, I'd love for you to think about your own classroom with curiosity rather than judgment. When a behavior shows up in your room, what's your very first question? Is it, oh, how do I stop this? Or is it, what might this child be experiencing right now? You don't need to grade yourself, just notice. Honestly and without judgment, where does your mind go first? And this isn't about guilt. Most of us were trained in compliance based approaches, we were handed the clipboards and told that a quiet classroom was the goal. And a lot of times, I'll be honest, when an administrator walks in in you want your class to be calm and quiet because you know that they probably think that that is what a well functioning classroom looks like. But not for a lot of our kids. But once you start seeing nervous systems instead of behaviors, it's hard to unsee them. And the good news is this shift tends to start working almost right away, often in the very next hard moment. If it helps, start with just one child, maybe the one who came to mind the moment this episode started this week. Every time the behavior shows up, try walking through Care Connect first, then assess, respond, and later expand. You can build from there. Before I wrap up, I want to tell you two things we built to make this much easier in real time. Because a framework only helps if you can actually reach for it on a hard day. The first is the Care handout. It walks through the same framework we covered today, the shift in question, the four steps, and what each step looks like in practice. It's designed to be readable in about five minutes. You can post it in your room, share it with paraprofessionals and team members so everyone's on the same page and you can even send it home to families. You can find it in the Autism Little Learners Membership hub. And if you aren't a member, check the link in the show notes because we would love to have you join us. The second thing that's in the membership is one of my favorite tools that we've ever made. It's called the Compassionate Behavior Assistant and it's a custom AI thinking partner built specific specifically around the CARE framework. It's not a generic general chatbot. It was built to think the way we think, to lead with regulation, to look for what the behavior is communicating, and to offer suggestions that line up with everything we talked about today. You can reach for it when you're stuck on a behavior and out of ideas. When you stayed calm but the behavior didn't change and you need a fresh perspective. Or when you're feeling dysregulated yourself and you just need help figuring out where to start. It won't jump straight to solutions because that would be skipping to respond. It pauses, asks about the behavior, and helps you think through it the same way a good colleague would if they were sitting beside you. It's a thinking partner, not a replacement for your judgment, your team, or your relationship with the child, but on a hard day when no one's available to talk to. It can be a real lifeline, and you'll find that in the membership hub too. I want to come back to where we started. They would if they could. When a child is struggling, capacity is missing, not motivation. Care is just four letters, but really it's a shift. It asks us to pause, to listen, and to support the body before we ever try to teach the brain. It asks us to trust that children are doing the best they can with what they have access to in the moment. And it makes our job a gentler one to expand what they have access to slowly over time. Thank you for spending part of your day with me and for showing up for the children you care for. What you do matters more than you know. If this episode was helpful, I'd love for you to share it with a fellow teacher, therapist or caregiver who works with autistic children. And if you're looking for more practical neuro affirming strategies, come find us in the Autism Little Learners membership. Until next time, Remember, they would if they could. And connection always comes before correction.