What motivates people to grow? Incentives, punishments, or something deeper?

On Marriage Unhindered, Doug Hinderer welcomed Dr. Thomas Zimmer to discuss how parents and spouses can encourage healthy behavior without accidentally crushing intrinsic motivation. Their conversation offered practical wisdom for families trying to build stronger relationships rooted in gratitude, encouragement, and intentional love.

Dr. Zimmer explained that rewards and consequences are not inherently bad. Parents naturally use incentives with children: “Do your homework and you get this. Don’t do your homework and you don’t get this.” But he warned that over-relying on rewards can sometimes weaken a child’s natural desire to learn or grow.

“We see kids naturally wanna learn,” Dr. Zimmer said. “Humans naturally wanna learn.” Yet when constant pressure, grades, or expectations take over, children can begin losing interest in activities they once loved.

Instead, Dr. Zimmer emphasized the importance of unexpected encouragement and specific gratitude. If a child makes the bed without being asked, a parent might respond with sincere appreciation or even a surprise reward later. The key is helping children understand that good actions have meaning beyond earning prizes.

Doug connected this principle to marriage as well. Catching your spouse doing something thoughtful and specifically acknowledging it can strengthen emotional connection in powerful ways.

Dr. Zimmer noted that generic praise like “good job” often lacks impact. More meaningful encouragement points to the exact action being appreciated. “The more you can put specifics on it,” he explained, “the more they see that what they did mattered.”

Whether in parenting or marriage, gratitude becomes more powerful when it is personal, detailed, and sincere. Small moments of recognition can help relationships flourish and remind loved ones they are truly seen.

The best way to listen to the Best of the Week is on our #1 Free Catholic App. It’s free, and always will be! To get and share the Relevant Radio app, check it out here.